#Come bug your uncle Lore lol

[lettherebemonsters]

Even though I'm not a fan of Star Trek: Picard and the "new Trek" stuff, you definitely know my Lore muse is going to freaking Skyrocket.

MY BITCH BABY IS BACK. ;A;

[brawltogethernow]

Have you read Phil Jimenez’ Tempest miniseries from the mid 90s? If so, what are your thoughts?

No, but it’s four issues long. Gimme a minute.

Okay, I’m back. That was VERY stupid (compliment). Absolute camp nonsense. Unfortunately it's also kind of bad?

Obviously these aren’t finely aged takes. Plus I have picked up exactly one (1) back issue of Aquafam content prior to this in my life, usually absorbing them exclusively through team titles, and lack of preexisting attachment to the lore here definitely doesn’t do it any favors.

Okay, so. In this title, AQUALAD (Garth), who is already not going by that at this point, has decided it’s time to STAB HIMSELF IN THE CHEST WITH A MAGIC KNIFE to absorb some kind of ANCESTRAL ELEMENTAL POWERS so he can finally update his name and outfit like every single other og Titan did in the eighties. You grow up slow when you’re not very popular! Complicating the planned KNIFE RITUAL, AQUAGIRL (Tula) has SPONTANEOUSLY COME BACK FROM THE DEAD and REFUSES TO ANSWER LITERALLY ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS. This coincides exactly with Garth’s MENTOR GUY who looks like HE-MAN WISHES HE DID being kidnapped, also Tula immediately begins picking fights with Garth’s only other ally present, an EDGY SHARK MERMAID who is trying to enemies-to-lovers route their relationship and doesn’t appreciate being cuntblocked by a rude corpse. Garth decides to COMPLETELY IGNORE this BULK ORDER OF RED FLAGS because of love, which done well could be touching and tragic but in practice makes him look like a moron. He tells his SHARK GIRLFRIEND to gtfo for saying his DEAD GIRLFRIEND is going to fuck up the KNIFE MAGIC, allowing her to FUCK UP THE KNIFE MAGIC IMMEDIATELY. She’s revealed to be a pawn of Garth’s UNCLE, who is a NECROMANCER TRAPPED IN ANOTHER DIMENSION. So NECRUNCLE escapes and uses their (*communist Bugs Bunny meme*) ancestral mojo to summon a SOGGY UNDEAD ARMY. Garth is rescued by his community he thought were all dead but were actually just avoiding him. They reveal that they knew if he tried to claim his family magic his uncle would escape, so they tried to leave him for dead as a baby, and when they found out that hadn’t worked they decided to lie to him instead of telling him not to stab himself with a magic knife, also the knife was just an unnecessary bit of danger they added to the ritual at the last minute for fun. Did they mention they’re pacifists? Except for when they executed Garth’s dad for trying to fight off his necromancer brother, because they felt that was kind of over the line. They’ve been hiding out in a bunker full of COMICALLY NORMAL-LOOKING ANTI-ZOMBIE GUNS, which Garth takes to go fight his UNCLE and his DEAD GIRLFRIEND and his DEAD PET WALRUS, but he still needs to be rescued by SHARK GIRLFRIEND and her family, who she went to get instead of leaving Garth to die of his own dumbassery which he tbh deserved. So Garth yeets his uncle back into the PHANTOM ZONE BUT WET and levels up his magical abilities an unclear amount, the end.

Every single character is as dumb as a plank and deeply unsympathetic, except Letifos (edgy shark) and Atlan (He-mentor), who can get away with acting mostly normal because they are forcibly removed from the bulk of the plot. Every single thing that happens including all of the backstory could be avoided if the cast weren’t completely stocked with dumb jerks.

Great color palette choices, slightly tortured digital coloring on the version online. Nice underwater art that never forgot everything was underwater or succumbed to the urge to just put everyone in a blue void. My inner four-year-old, who is on some level still sitting at the bottom of a pool trying to manifest an uncanny lung capacity and a magical fish companion, was really vibing with it. This is approximately the age I was the last time I interacted with underwater civilization content, but it turns out I still appreciate it as an aesthetic, and this mini nails it.

It was actually slightly too good at remembering literally everything was underwater, in the sense that I had trouble turning my brain off about the logistics and kept pausing to go, “Underwater...blanket...? Why...? How does that...” I am very ready to allow the ocean zombies, however, for cool factor reasons. Although skeletons are also cool and don’t raise questions about underwater mummification.

This was my introduction to the fact that in post-Crisis DC Neptune and Poseidon are two separate dudes, one of whom is blue and has a bubble beard and one of whom is a bald white merman. And they hate each other? Alright! Okay, okay. Like did DC accidentally establish both and they just decided to roll with it?

Now, you know I love me some undead women.👍 Unfortunately Tula’s agency and interiority are lower than zero, just steeply in the negatives.👎👎👎 Tula is Charlie Brown and agency in this plot is the football. Jimenez’s entire approach to women in this gives him an extremely punchable vibe. I would not go to a bar with this man. He remembers the girls have super strength (and doesn’t keep the violence completly divvied up by gender), at least, but doesn’t seem aware that they’re people, which is unsettling. You could have turned around a LOT with like, a single scene from Tula’s POV after it’s established that she’s been bespelled to experience a completely different set of events from reality so that by the end she’s experiencing her ally losing it and attacking her, or just by working harder to convey that experience through her reactions. But lol no it’s fine that she’s basically a hand puppet, because what matters is the lead’s reaction to her! Jail. Go to jail. Also as it stands I’m confused about how her deal shook out to be that she was both not actually Tula and being mind controlled, and also her real experience of love for Garth was critical to the villain’s plan? Explainy-looking words happened but the zombie logistics absolutely went unexplained in spite of them. While we’re at it, why did Letifos come back for a big damn heroes scene at the end. Devoting a thought bubble to addressing this turn around wouldn’t have even had to break the binding contract that seems to be in place forbidding any lines from her not directly about Garth.

Right, the villain. Great design, very gross. I do kind of want to boil him and then try to crack him open and eat him like a crab. Love that Garth lampshades that Slizzath is a ridiculous evil name by saying he can’t pronounce it, right next to the reveal that Slizzath is his uncle. It doesn’t seem like he took that on as his necromancer title or anything. Garth’s grandparents just named their kids Thar and Slizzath. Really, the way that his face is a skull now is their fault.

I was surprised to see that the contentious dick towers from the Little Mermaid VHS cover have taken refuge in this version of Atlantis.

I feel like I should segue from there into something about Garth’s shrinkwrapped costume’s gratuitously pronounced crotch bulge, but like, I don’t know. Whatever. We’re just uncomfortably up close and personal with absolutely everybody’s anatomy consistently, it’s whatever.

So yeah, that was not good. I enjoyed it. I would punch Phil Jimenez in the mouth without hesitation.

[caithyra]

Vampire Game Reviews Part 1

This Halloween I sat down and played a bunch of vampire themed games and decided to review them. First up, Vampire Legends: The True Story of Kisilova, Dracula: Origin and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. I might get around to Vampire the Masquerade: Redemption and Dracula: Love Kills in a later post.

I use my own 5-scale gradation in this:

0: Either I couldn’t force myself to finish it, or I was more relieved it was over than anything else. 1: I had no fun, but there might have been something fun in there… maybe…? 2: More bad than good. 3: About evenly good and bad. I actually start having more fun than not. 4: A solid entertainment piece. Has it’s blemishes, but despite that I like it. 5: Almost perfect (perfection is a myth). I had lots of fun and am satisfied.

(Semi-minor spoilers below. Unless you’ve gone quite far into the games, you likely wont suss out what’s happening until it’s happening.)

Vampire Legends: The True Story of Kisilova: You’re an investigator for the Hapsburg Empire going to the small town of Kisilova, recently beset by a killer leaving bloodless victims behind them. Rumors of vampires abound. After a series of mishaps the rumors do not feel so farfetched. Especially not when a mysterious, young woman enters the picture.

(Left: The Beginning of the Adventure with our buddy and hint machine. Right: The first of many, many hidden objects screens in this game.)

Okay, it is a point-and-click visual novel adventure thing that’s really short (less than 5 hours, and I think I left the game — and the clock — running for a while at some point), and also cheap. It was enjoyable enough, the music was forgettable but good enough, the graphics nice and atmospheric enough and the story was short and serviceable. The problems mainly came through the game-play; this game relied faaar too heavily on hidden object minigames, and those were unskippable, while all others were skippable after a short while. Fortunately, your partner can give hints to speed things along. As for my final decision in the winter-themed bonus chapter? Well, it was Halloween so I thought “why not?” and that was that for Europe. I always try to pick the most supernatural decision whenever I can lol (see Squirrel Elves in the Witcher franchise, or picking spell-sneaking classes in the Elder Scrolls).

My biggest problem with this game, however, is that I need to resize the resolution on my ultrawide monitor to play it without horizontal stretching distorting the art. The Options menu is seriously lacking in Options (actually, that whole menu is a mess that looks more at home in a Free-to-Play mobile game).

All in all, I generally liked it and its short nature meant that except for the hidden objects minigame, most of it didn’t outstay its welcome and it was really cheap (less than 4€ when I bought it, which is about the right price IMO. I think regular price is something like 9.99€?) so worth it. 3/5.

Dracula: Origin: You are Van Helsing. Yeah. That guy. And you have a missing friend, Harker, who had something to do with Dracula, and you have a pretty friend named Mina who ends up targeted by Dracula and now you must rush across the Old World to save her from a curse.

(Left: Yup, same dev as the Sherlock Holmes games. Middle: Vampires don’t like garlic breath. Right: Dammit Mina, I gave you ONE job. One. Job. All of this slow walking could have been avoided!)

Ah. Frogware. I generally like their Sherlock Holmes games, but this game… It felt more like a waste of my time. Oh, I’m sure there is a good game in there that isn’t a waste of time. Unfortunately, it is hidden behind the biggest time-sinks in the game: Van Helsing walks at half the speed of a normal person at all times and speaks really slowly, in conversations that has no branches, yet they will periodically be interrupted so that you can click on the next topic in the list (that wont reveal the next topic until you’ve listened to the topic listed before it). There’s this scene during a cave in when he says something like “quickly, we must make haste to escape!” and then you click on the exit and he waaaaaaaaalks slooooooooooooowlyyyyyy through it. It certainly doesn’t help that he must cross the entire span of the screen and backtrack locations many times and… AGH! RUN YOU FOOL!!

And, well, Frogware adventure game with its strange clues and non-clues and objects. There’s this bit in the first outdoor area when you have to capture some flies. Now, if you have followed the story logically, you will have a jar and a lid in your inventory. Easy, peasy, just click the flies with the jar, right? Nope. You must find a mourning veil hidden in the cemetery (that is large and that Van Helsing waaaaalks sloooooowlyyyyy through), use it on the flies and then combine the fly-ridden veil with the jar to get a jar of flies (I wont say what for because of spoilers, but, well, I don’t recommend eating during the Cemetery/Mansion part of the story if you have a phobia against bugs). There are also several objects that are basically five pixels on the screen because of the angle we’re viewing them at that we must find to pick up, and on the whole, I had more frustrations than fun with this story. Like, there’s even this puzzle minigame with a picture of Minos, the Labyrinth and the Minotaur and you find thread/string in the same house and wouldn’t you know it! The thread/string has nothing to do with the minigame and the minigame has nothing to do with the legend of the Minotaur!

On top of that, well, lets just say that the Egyptian section has quite a bit of stereotyping (think Victorian stereotypes of Egypt and its people in a modern game. Also, potential racism against white people must be prevented at all costs, including lying to a bereaved family), and when we run into our first, unliving female vampire she of course wears a top made of strips of cloth and a sheer skirt (you’d think a rich vampire’s favorite mistress would own a nice dress at least, but nope), and every woman (including dead of non-vampiric variety) have their beauty commented upon (and, of course, a young, pretty girl’s defilement/death is a tragedy, which is why it is so important to include that she was pretty).

And, well, this game markets itself heavily with Dracula at the forefront, not Van Helsing, yet while Dracula is the main antagonist, he only has a few, brief scenes, which were disappointing. All in all it was a 1/5.

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines: You are a fledgling of one of the Camarilla clans, recently thrust into the secret world hidden by darkness, and more specifically into one of the most fucked cities of the World of Darkness. After your illicit embrace into the undead by your executed sire, the Prince of the City has graciously offered to adopt you, provided you prove yourself worthy to the exacting clan of rulers. Except the prince’s domain is built on quicksand, and this is Los Angeles; the birthplace of the modern Anarchs, and one of the domains of the Kindred of the East, on top of the eternal, political dance all Kindred must dance, and you, baby vampire as you are, have no allies and no clue as how to proceed except to survive.

(Left: Told ya Velvet is a mascot in this game. Middle: Did you know that Mercurio was meant to handle the Voerman sisters and we wouldn’t have to go through sewers and a haunted hotel if he did his job? Right: Apparently the Chinese are masters of Japanese swords and the Ventrue need no neckbones...)

Here’s the thing about VtM:B: It is a very enjoyable game and definitely the definite vampire game out there. It also has no story for your character. “What about the Ankaran Sarcophagus?”, well, your character participates, but it does nothing to answer the questions we are immediately confronted with in the opening of the game: Why would our unknown sire, an upstanding member of Kindred society, break one of the Traditions (pretty much laws set in stone for all Kindred over the entire world) to embrace us? Why would the prince, whose sole job is to uphold the Traditions, then break one of the Traditions and allow the ill-begotten progeny live?

Except for the opening of the game, we never hear from our sire again, nor the questions raised during the opening. And that makes our player character a bit superfluous when any random neonate could serve just as well.

So if not story-telling, what does VtM:B do that makes people sing its praises? In short? Characters and the World. It is incredibly atmospheric and while characters don’t develop (vampires are static by nature in this world, and most characters in the game are entrenched in their places and wont be shaken by some random baby vampire showing up), they are all very distinct and written in different tones. However, if you’re not role-playing as an ignorant fledgling, but meta-playing with some Vampire the Masquerade lore known, you will feel extremely railroaded (if your character had any inkling of who Smiling Jack is in the World of Darkness, they would never believe his coarse but kind uncle-figure thing he’s got going on. Because even before a certain hugely Biblical spoiler got involved, Jack was an imposer, liar, manipulator and mass-murderer who has sired many, many thin-blooded vampires and abandoned them to their fates. There’s a reason why only ignorant neonates like Nines’ gang admires and likes him. What I just said is not a spoiler for the game, btw, because it never comes up because your character is an ignorant fledgling being manipulated and deceived by literally everyone. Maybe Velvet and Bertram don’t, but Velvet might seem so sweet when she convinces you to be her knight because of Presence and acting, and Bertram is a Nossie and they have major secrets within secrets).

And while it is easy to sink into the world of the game and roleplay, thus mitigating the railroading feeling above. This game was clearly written with an audience of White Male Teens in mind. We have Velvet (of the fashion-conscious Toreador clan) show up at the prince’s court in Elysium in only a lacy basque, g-string and thigh high fishnets, tall heels and not as much as a peignoir thrown on top. Yeah, she attends an important society function in her fetish underwear. Then we have the explicit sex life of game cover-girl Jeanette (yeah, the one dressed like a dilapidated school girl), and those two are THE female mascots of the game.

The less said about the Orientalism and the Kindred of the East the better, but that segues into how around the time you reach Chinatown, the game starts losing its luster and strengths. Okay, so if you’re sensitive to that kinda thing, you might notice it a little bit in Hollywood, but by the time Chinatown rolls around, you might notice how it is less immersive and how it starts to feel more and more gamey (specifically, Action gamey), and you get less options that isn’t some variant of “kill it”.

On top of that the game has technical issues if you do not use the fan-made patch (I always use Patch Plus, which restores cut content and quests, as well as ReShade for better anti-aliasing and sharpness), and it still has a few cropping up from time to time. At least it works perfectly well in ultrawide resolutions?

Still it has that charm, and despite its flaws and how I can think of a dozen complaints at the drop of a dime, I still love playing it. So it’s a 4/5 from me.