#Clark meets Bruce for ten minutes and Bruce sneaks his way all the way to Kansas just to confront him

[faeriekit]

It's you and me, @arbrehoux

So, imagine, if you will:

Mr and Ms House-of-El don't have a child at the time the planet explodes. Inconvenient!

But cloning is, if something carefully undertaken, something extremely typical on Krypton. Most couples reproduce via cloning on the planet. It's very simple to arrange for a cloning device onboard an escape-pod size ship at a relatively reasonable cost (to a family whose planet is exploding)

So genetic matter goes into the tube, they plug in information meant to help their future offspring understand the planet they hail from, and they shoot the resulting embryo off into space! Whapau! 🚀

Cut to the Kent farm, where the Kents are a loving, if childless, couple, who desperately need a hobby. There's a boom outside the farmhouse. Ma grabs the shotgun, and Pa grabs the first aid kit. (It's probably just a car accident.)

And they find?? A spaceship?? In the dirt?? Like no way a spaceship landed in their corn field but ALSO look at that. That's a SPACESHIP.

Out tumbles the least adjusted, entirely nude form of a twelve year old boy. He's scared. He can't walk. He doesn't know English, and they don't know his language.

"Because he's an alien, Jonathan." "Be nice! He can understand your tone! Look, you're making him all worried! Listen, son, I hope you're not lactose intolerant, but let's get you a glass of milk and a cookie for now, alright...?"

"What if aliens can't have milk, Jon? C'mere, hun, we'll split the difference. I have some apple juice..." "What's wrong with milk?"

"It's mammalian, dear". "And what??"

Anyway, SUDDENLY there's a Kent boy mysteriously at the farm, and he's very gentle and very shy and super strong, but if any cops come sniffing around, then he's always been here and you never saw otherwise!! 'Kay??

Anyway, I think that this officially turns Superman's heroing career into a mostly after-school activity skdhhdjajsz. He can still be a reporter, it's just for his high school. Lois can be an out of state rival he competes with on an online blog or something. He and Batboy are best friends, because otherwise how can Batkid exploit his prowess for the sake of tackling so many problems no kid should even remotely tackle?? Clark gets paid regular babysitting rates by Alfred after hours of. Like. Trying to keep Bruce from fighting a full-grown Lady Shiva in Europe. He and Damian talk animal husbandry over the phone once a month.

Woe to Bruce, the Youngest One™️ 😔

Reverse Robins AU but instead of making Damien oldest and going down the line so on and so forth, it’s a bunch of assembled weird vigilante-crime men and their accidentally adopted autistic eight year old rich boy, Bruce, who calls himself “batkid” for reasons beyond their mutual understanding of expected kid behavior

[hintofelation99]

Banned Item No. 23 Toothpaste.

Steph, Tim, and Jason sneak into Duke's room after patrol.

Duke, jumping out of bed half asleep but ready to fight: What the-

Steph: Shut up, it's important meeting time.

Duke: What are you-

Steph: Shhhhh!

Tim: Steph, what's going on, why'd you call us all here?

Steph: Well Timothy, I am so glad you asked. Remember the other night on the roof?

Jason: Yeah?

Steph: Remember the toothpaste?

Duke: Yeah?

Steph with a smirk: Timothy, would you like to explain what happened afterwards?

Tim, looking confused: Uhhh, I actually don't know what happened afterwards or during...

Steph, looking at Tim confused: What do you mean you don't know?!

Tim: I was very high and on day four of no sleep and cup ten of coffee. I have no clue what happened.

Steph, staring at Tim confused: You don't remember?

Tim: Uh... no?

Steph: Tim you bought a toothpaste company.

Tim: What?! No? I would notice that's a lot of paper work and legalities?!

Tim pulls out his phone and starts going through his email to figure out what he bought.

Tim: Oh. My. God.

Jason: What?

Tim: I bought the companies entire stock...

Duke, laughing: No way!

Tim: And I have a meeting on Monday to discuss buying the company...

Steph falls over laughing and gasping for air.

Tim: What am I going to do with 200,000 tubes of toothpaste?!?!

Jason and Steph smile wickedly.

Jason: Alfred's out of town.

Tim: Then who's-

Jason: We are Timmy, we are cooking dinner.

Steph: Sixteen hours until dinner. Let's see how much we can use by then.

-> December 8th 2:40 am <-

The after replacing every tube of toothpaste in the house with Batman toothpaste they head down to the kitchen.

Jason and Duke start drinking all the milk as Steph and Tim eat all the candy canes off the christmas tree. At the same time they're all taking the oreo cream out of all the oreos and boiling four giant pots of water.

Steph: The waters boiling!

Tim starts empting tubes into the boiling water as Duke stirs. Jason pulls out parchment paper and starts squeezing toothpaste on it in the shape of candy canes.

Duke: That's enough toothpaste Tim, we don't want it thicker than whole milk.

They let the tooth paste water mix, that now looks like milk, cool and Duke washes out the milk jugs. Tim is putting toothpaste between the oreos. And Jason puts the toothpaste covered parchment paper in the freezer.

Steph: Hey if we any left over milkpaste pass it to me, I wanna make a marinade for tonight's chicken.

Duke fills the empty milk cartons with the mixture now dubbed 'milkpaste' and passes the leftovers to Steph.

Jason starts pulling random containers out of the fridge and moving whatever's in them to different containers. Then he fills the newly emptied containers with toothpaste. Butter, mayo, mustard, yogurt, etc are all replaced with toothpaste.

This chaos goes on for hours. No one else in the family wakes up or notices anything. At one point they call Cass, who's in Hong Kong, and she gives them even more horrible ideas.

-> December 8th 9am <-

Jason and Tim redecorate the christmas tree with candy canes made from toothpaste.

-> December 8th 11am <-

Bruce, from his bathroom: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TOOTHPASTE?!

Dick, from his room: OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING!

Damian, from the hallway: I WILL KILL WHOEVER WENT INTO MY BATHROOM!!

-> December 8th 12pm <-

Jason, smirking: Hey, B.

Bruce: Yes Jason.

Jason: Well, Tim, Steph, Duke, and I have all been working on dinner all day.

Bruce: You have, and I thank you all for that. I'm very excited for dinner.

Jason: Me too, but the thing is we have a lot of extra food. So I was thinking we could invite the extended family and maybe some of the JL.

Bruce: Jason I don't know, it's so last minute and-

Dick: Just sent out a group text, they're all coming!

Jason, trying not to look suspicious: Thanks Dick! -> December 8th 6pm <-

The entire Batfamily, their partners, their closest friends, and the main members of the Justice League sit down for dinner.

Clark: Mmm, smells... minty?

Steph bites her hand to stop herself from laughing.

Wally: Tastes... fine, a bit... refreshing?

Jon, choking on his milk: Um, I think this milk is... expired?

Tim is biting his lip so hard trying not to laugh that it almost starts bleeding.

Roy: It's, uh, interesting? What spices did you say you used?

Kon is hiding his face behind a napkin trying not to gag. Hal left the room five minutes ago, his pockets suspiciously full.

Bart, already on his third helping: I like it! The toothpaste was a great idea!

Duke laughs so hard he falls out of his chair. He tries to cover it up by pretending he dropped something.

Bruce, who hadn't said anything and was trying not to criticize his kids cooking starts to choke: THE WHAT?!

Hal walks back in, face bright red. At the same time Tim slips from the room without anyone noticing.

Bruce: What happened.

Hal: Nothing! Unless you count me clogging your toilet by trying to flush an entire meal down it and then flushing repeatedly until the bathroom floods as something.

Bruce runs to try and unclog the toilet. Jason's face is basically glowing red from how hard he's trying not to laugh.

Kori, looking into the living room at their christmas tree: I believe your festive plant is... melting?

Everyone looks to the christmas tree to see the now thawed toothpaste canes dripping globs of minty freshness all over the tree and floor around it.

Oliver: Is that... toothpaste?

Duke can't control himself anymore, he starts laughing loudly as Tim walks back into the room.

Damian narrows his eyes at Tim: Where did you go?

Tim just smirks: You'll see later.

-> The next few weeks <-

Over the next few weeks toothpaste is found everywhere, from hair gel to pillow cases to shampoo, it's even found in a light fixture. This all results in a very stern lecture from Alfred and in toothpaste being banned from family dinners.

-----

also thanks @timdrakeisaclownbaby for showing me boiled toothpaste.

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