#Chapmigone

[rhymingteelookatme]

“Off the Cuff”, the Wooden Overcoats bonus episode we deserve, in which Eric Chapman fights for his life to write, memorize, and recite an original marriage proposal to Antigone

[rhymingteelookatme]

Chapmigone Baby Headcanons

As written by group consensus in the corner of this fandom I frequent- below the cut.

-If Antigone’s having any child, she’s having twins. This is fate.

-Neither twin can be a namesake, for the simple reason that almost the entire island wants one. It’s too much. Plus, Antigone would be quite firm that her children are themselves and no one else. Though she might consider letting one child’s middle name be Rudyard. Or Brett. She lets her brother and her husband think she might, anyway. Whether she actually does, whomst can say- not me. That’s between her, the hospital and god.  

-Rudyard initially suggests ‘Baby 1′ and ‘Baby B’ for efficiency- but then he starts begging Antigone for a Rudyard Jr. if she has a boy. A: “Rudyard, do you hear yourself? A child of Chapman’s named after you?” Rudyard: “I think you’ll find he’s a child of yours, and therefore categorically a Funn. Besides, I’m archiving the birth certificates; I can make sure of the surname.”  Antigone: “You’re making sure of nothing. If I have my way you won’t even know the surname.”

-Eric is game for anything Antigone wants vis-a-vis names, with the sole exception of Clarissa. Actually, he does have one suggestion, which is that a girl child be called Clementine. Antigone recognizes the sentiment behind this and agrees on the spot.

-When her labor pains begin (on Halloween, no less), Antigone retreats to her mortuary and will not be coaxed out for anything. She’s got a cot in the corner! She’s fine! There’s only a little bit of cobweb on it! 

-Despite having delivered “loads of babies” in the fabled Long Time Ago, Chapman is less than composed when it’s Antigone having the babies. He nearly faints a couple of times, but he stays with her and holds her hand the whole way through. However, he’s in no fit state to properly help.

-Dr. Barnet can’t attend, much too busy.* Dr. Edgware, despite it being his day off, must be called. He is...somewhat resentful. (Antigone, muttering: “Now he gets busy down there.” Rudyard, scandalized: “Antigone!!”)

*With another birthing mother- Tanya. It’s a son. He’s called Jerry.

-Georgie is great at midwifery, of course. She assists without hesitation.

-Rudyard, despite his typical complaining, remains nearby throughout (in his usual suit; one must make an effort). He holds Antigone’s other hand during the worst of the labor. She crushes it to near uselessness but he doesn’t care. 

-Antigone has a breakdown at one point in the whole ordeal, terrified about being a mother- she’s convinced she’ll be awful. Rudyard insists she won’t. “You’ll listen to them. And remember things, and care. Not like our parents... or me.”

-The newborn twins have their mother’s dark hair and Eric’s blue eyes. Rudyard, upon seeing them, falls instantly in love. He brushes off the eye color (“lots of babies have blue eyes, it’s nothing to get excited about, Chapman”). As far as he’s concerned they’re Funns through and through. 

-Rudyard has the vague sense that he should let the parents be alone with their babies but both Eric and Antigone insist that he stay. They’re exhausted and exhilarated, and they want Uncle Rudyard to properly meet his new niece and nephew.

-The girl twin is Clementine all right. The boy twin is Mortimer. It’s called syllabic symmetry and it’s glorious.

-Everyone in Piffling comes around at one time or another for weeks after the birth with gifts and congratulations. Flowers from Petunia, sweets from Agatha, toy bicycles from the Mayor and Wavering, baby’s first embalming kit from Scout Leader Calliope (who acts as a sort of big sister)- the list goes on.

-The birth announcement is on page 2 rather than the front page, because Antigone is still attention-shy. Sid doesn’t understand that the babies are twins, as they’re boy and girl rather than two of one or the other. He thinks they’re just siblings coincidentally born the same day.

-On their christening day, the weather is simultaneous bright sunshine and torrential rain. Georgie and Rudyard are the godparents. The Reverend is chaotic as usual at the event, but Rudyard is somehow worse. (S4 holiday special: Rudyard Ruins the Christening) Wavering: “Will you pray for them, draw them by your example into the community of faith, and walk with them in the way of Christ? ...if He exists?” Georgie: “Er...” Rudyard: “We’re not really religious..” Wavering (quickly): “Oh you don’t have to! It’s just part of the ceremony.” etc.

-Chapman changes nappies and deals with spitup etc. unquestioningly. He also procures a double baby sling with his usual incredible speed. He’s a deeply proud father; he walks around with the pair of them at every opportunity.

-Rudyard proceeds to be the most beloved and doting uncle the island has ever seen. Georgie catches him at least once cooing to the babies: “You’re going to be the best on the island, aren’t you? You came just to get revenge at long last for Uncle Rudyard, didn’t you. To do what neither your mother nor I ever could. You’re cosmic justice, yes you are!...” All is recorded on Georgie’s phone to share with Jennifer later. 

Damn near every wall of Funn Funerals is papered with the babies’ drawings when they’re old enough to draw. He calls it special archiving. He teaches them the importance of proper schedules, and how to play the mandolin, and so on and so forth. And he makes sure they each have a tiny black suit to be worn at funerals. Yes, even as infants. 

-Lady Templar invites the twins to tea. Not their parents, just the babies. She wants to teach them aristocratic manners and so on. And to piss off Chapman. The first thing the kids do is spit up on her fur stole; Rudyard is so proud.

When they’re old enough to start teething Lady T also sends them teething rings with 'Girlboss’ printed on the center disc. Yes, both of them. 

[rhymingteelookatme]

Latecomer’s Love Song

Were I one half as bold as some have called me, Were I as confident as some declare, I’d blow a kiss to you across the square.

So strange, the way this one thought has enthralled me— To trust the fickle currents of the air With even this small gift for one so rare.

I’ve tried so many other ways to show you That, rivalry be damned, I cannot bear To let you go much longer unaware 

Of what a privilege it is to know you, Of how there’s no one else who can compare. I hear your phantom scoff, yet still I swear

I’ll face down any test you try to set me, If that will better prove to you I care. For after all these years, it’s only fair.

I know I’ve got a nerve to think you’d let me. I know, and yet so desperately I dare To dream of a kiss blown across the square.

[rhymingteelookatme]

So many thoughts of the big dramatic confession scene i want to hear in s4 e10

Obviously the Funns find out he’s leaving. That’s in there for sure. But there needs to be a Moment, whether on the actual parting or before it. Big Moment with Antigone and Eric where the feelings are hanging between them like a friggin’ zeppelin and they’re so big that neither one can express them at first.

Just. The most halting dialogue. Smth like

ERIC: Well. Er. Antigone...

ANTIGONE: Chapman. (long beat) I suppose this is it, then.

ERIC: Yes, I suppose it is. (another even longer beat) 

ANTIGONE: I won’t ask if we’ll see you again. We probably won’t. 

ERIC: No, I... no. 

ANTIGONE: ....Chapman-

ERIC (not breathing enough): Yes? 

ANTIGONE: If you’re - going, then... then you know what that means.

ERIC (exhaling): I’m not a competitor anymore. 

ANTIGONE: Yes. And... you know I don’t hate you, right?

ERIC (a shaky smile, a steadying breath): ...That’s. That means a lot. 

(Wind off the water. They can’t take their eyes off each other.)

ANTIGONE: Does it mean enough for you to stay?

ERIC: I- what?

ANTIGONE: I’m asking, Eric. If I don’t hate you, does that mean enough for you to stay? 

--And I have no idea where it goes from there, but there has to be a big damn kiss somehow, so. Yes.

[rhymingteelookatme]

oh to be the man who might finally get to kiss Antigone Funn

[rhymingteelookatme]

Chapgone Pregnancy/Extra Parenting Headcanons

My friends are the gift that keeps on giving, y’all. Under the cut!

~Pregnancy section~

-After some suspicious bouts of morning sickness and other well known signs, Antigone and Eric decide they have to know once and for all whether they’re going to be parents. Off to Dr. Edgware it is. Rudyard, hiding his sincere worry under obnoxious certainty that Chapman has poisoned his sister, insists on coming along to the hospital as well.

-Much like the line in s2 e8, Edgware comes in post-tests and announces smth like “It’s serious, I’m afraid. You’re going to have a baby.”

Antigone goes a bit woozy. Eric sits bolt upright as though electrified. Rudyard reels and clutches at the nearest bit of furniture.

Before anyone can say anything, Edgware squints at the machines and his clipboard again and corrects himself- “Ah, my mistake. You’re going to have two babies.” 

A, very softly: “Oh... my goddd...”  Eric, with dawning ecstatic joy: “Two? I- that’s- that’s incredible! Amazing!”  Rudyard, losing what little color was in his face to begin with: “Now... look... heeee....” (doesn’t finish the word, falls to the ground in a dead faint)

Rudyard stays down there, whether genuinely unconscious or not, far longer than he has any right to. Georgie has to come get him. “Come on sir, we’ve got bodies to get in the ground...”  R: “Oh, Georgie, hello. I had the strangest hallucination. Dr. Edgware said my sister was having Chapman’s babies, of all things.”  G: “I know, sir, now up you get. We’re going to be late.”

-The CDC expressly recommends not handling formaldehyde while pregnant. Antigone’s response is to haul out her allergy suit and get right back to work. She makes a point of carrying on as normally as possible as long as she can; she does love her work, after all. (It’s got nothing to do with Rudyard’s griping that Chapman clearly had a long-term plan to hamstring Funn Funerals by taking their mortician out of action. No indeed.)

-Of course Eric offers to take over when she’s eventually bedridden. She furiously refuses, a full “How daaaare you!” and everything. He responds by doing every single chore around the place, whether he’s asked or not. Reshingles the roof! Replaces the rotting windowsills! Unclogs the kitchen pipes! On and on and on. 

-She hate hate hates when she’s too pregnant to do much but sit in bed, stewing, and eat the fruit Eric brings her daily.  Eric: “Look, if you don’t want the grapes-” Antigone (angrily munching): “No, they’re mine! Get your own.”  Rudyard (down the hall): “Grapes?! Share, for Christ’s sake!” Antigone (hollers back): “I’ll share when you grow humans in your body, Rudyard!” 

-There are also daily foot rubs and other such loving gestures. He holds her hair back when she vomits; at one point she’s actually diagnosed with hyperemesis. A twin pregnancy would be hard on anyone, let alone someone like Antigone. 

-The hormone-fueled conversations are. Hoo boy. Antigone hormonal is angry one minute, laughing the next, crying seconds later. Sample Convo 1: Eric: "Do you want more butter on your toast?"  Antigone (snarling): "WHY? IS IT BECAUSE YOU THINK I’M UGLY?" E (beat): "No--what? Antigone, what--" A: "YOU HATE ME, DON’T YOU?! JUST SAY IT-  NO, DON’T EVEN SPEAK TO ME, I’M GOING DOWN TO THE MORTUARY, GOODBYE"

Sample Convo 2:  Eric: “I wonder if they’ll look more like me or you...” :) Antigone: “WONDER??? YOU HOPE THEY LOOK LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU SEE ME AS A FRAUD OF A WOMAN CONSISTING OF DUST AND SPIDERS AND YOU ARE GOD’S GIFT TO THE ISLAND AND I DON’T SEE WHY I EVEN THOUGHT CARRYING YOUR SPAWN* WAS A CONCEIVABLE IDEA--” E (firmly calm): “Would you like a piece of toast??” A: “….yes.”

*it’s always “spawn” when she’s feeling extra irritable, at least up til about halfway through the third trimester. Rudyard just calls them that as a matter of course,** up to the very day they’re born (at which point, as previously discussed, he changes course to “...they may be spawn, but they’re Funns now.”). The rest of the townsfolk call them things like “Eric’s little angels.”

**That and “the seed Chapman planted in my sister.” Georgie does a spit take the first time she hears that one. G, laughing: “Sir! You can’t call them that.” R, prim: “I think you’ll find it’s accurate.”

-Toast isn’t always the answer. But it often helps a great deal.

-When it’s quiet at night, they doze off together. 

-The first time Antigone feels a little foot kick from inside her, she freezes. It’s an ordinary night, they’re lying there in the dim stillness of the house and then- tiny kick. She goes stock-still, holds her breath- and feels it again. Eric (sleepy): “ ‘ntigone? What is it?”  A: -stays silent and rigid- Eric (waking, frowning): “Antigone? What’s-” She grabs his hand and puts it on her stomach. They both feel the next kick. Then two. Eric helps her sit up, turns on the bedside light, then goes right back to following the in-utero movements of their kids, oh heavens, their children, being alive and safe and well. He loses the ability to say much but “oh my god, oh my god” and the like for a minute there. Looks at her with his eyes shining like a couple of stars.  And Antigone can’t say a word while he’s babbling away; she just clings tight to him, her head somewhere between nodding and shaking with equal parts affirmation and disbelief. E: “Antigone, are you all right? Talk to me.”  A: “I... I... they’re real. They’re ours. They’re real.” (beat) “God, of course they are, I’m just...”  E: “Happy?” A (whispers, watery): “Yes.” She climbs into his lap and gives him the softest most tender kiss. Rests her head on his shoulder. E (kisses her hair, whispers back): “Antigone Funn, brilliant once again.” 

-Within the week, Eric’s acquired a specialized tiny sound system with speakers and microphone, for the sole purpose of talking to the little ones as directly as possible. He tells them all his silly life advice, sings to them, reads them stories, etc. Rudyard fights to be allowed to use it too, of course. Antigone finds the whole contraption ridiculous. “Babies can hear perfectly well in the womb! Why would you need all this?” But that’s Eric for you. Gotta have his gadgets. 

~Parenting section~

-Eric’s often the one to get up when one twin or the other starts fussing in the night. Or both, of course. He’s so warm and cozy and soothing, and also has the arm strength to hold the pair of them at the same time- they’re quite big babies, it turns out.

-Antigone is a very nervous mother. Constantly fears she’s going to drop whichever twin she’s holding. That double baby sling does help, however. She takes them right into the mortuary when she gets a bit more sure of herself, and talks to them all the time she’s working. Mostly, though, she’s extremely protective. 

-Lullabies are a bedtime staple. Antigone is too shy to sing when anyone besides her babies are in the room, but she has the softest, sweetest voice Eric’s ever heard.* Though the songs she sings are the same grim and morbid ones her own mother sang in her childhood. She doesn’t change a word of “Oh My Darling Clementine,” despite the fact that the title character trips into a river and drowns. 

*He tiptoes up just outside the door and listens.

-Even as toddlers, Clementine and Mortimer are incredibly mischievous and prone to hijinks. Their Auntie Georgie and Uncle Rudyard are delighted by this. Sometimes Rudyard starts to be upset when the joke is on him, but he just can’t keep it up when he hears those little giggles. 

-He makes sure to keep extra sherbet dip dabs in his pockets just for them. They love those dip dabs, messy as they are. 

-He’s almost as bad as they are, honestly, especially if they want to prank their father. He has told them many times over that he’ll be their alibi whenever they need him. “Remember, if anyone asks, you were with me all the time!” This never fools anyone, least of all Antigone.

-When the pranking (on others) leads to trouble, it’s still straight to Rudyard that the twins run seven times out of ten. Despite the fact that he maintains a stellar track record for making things worse, they still go to him. 

-The eighth time out of ten, Auntie Georgie is great at fixing things.

-The ninth time of ten, they go to Eric to help smooth things over with whoever’s upset at them this time.

-Antigone is the nuclear option. Some things no one but Maman can handle. It’s worth her stern talking-to’s, though they’d get those in the end anyway. 

[rhymingteelookatme]

Chapmigone Wedding Headcanons

Before the baby chat, there was.. the wedding chat. Collected group headcanons below the cut!

-Antigone, ideally, would carry right on with Eric forever and let Rudyard never find out they’re even a couple. But Eric convinces her it’s better if he hears it from her in the end. All their attempts to sit him down and tell him meet with firm resistance, however, as Rudyard’s power of Do Not See It is far stronger than anyone realized up to this point. (“No, Antigone, I am not sitting down to coffee with you and Chapman so he can try to steal company secrets; he knows too much as it is. Do you think I was born a week ago?” A: “Rudyard we’re twins.”  R: “Exactly. Now let’s hear no more about it.”  A: -noise of exasperation-)

-Literally he caught them in a broom closet once and convinced himself that Chapman was just getting mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Standing up. As one does. 

-Antigone tells Eric time and again that it’s no use trying to be reasonable about this- “Rudyard won’t believe I’m with you until he’s walking me down the aisle. And maybe not even then.”  Eric, the last time she says this: “So why don’t we let him?” A: “What?” E: “Walk you down the aisle.”  A: “....Chapman, are you-” E: “Yes. Er. No? Ah- I meant to do it properly, sorry, forget I said anything-” A: “I certainly will not. ...But we are picking this up later.”  E: “Later?” A (arch): “When you’re ready to do it properly.”

-Of course he gets on one knee and everything subsequently. Just the two of them, by the fireside in his parlor. She’s overcome with emotion and can’t quite answer him at first; he starts babbling a bit, he can’t help it, but then she cuts him off with a lapel-grabbing, lip-bruising kiss. And, at length, a yes. 

-Having agreed to be married, Antigone suddenly realizes that weddings are often rather... public events. She gets all panicky at the very idea of everyone watching her in such a personal moment; she wants to be married in another broom closet so no one can see them but Reverend Wavering and his dubious god. It takes the combined efforts of Georgie and Madeleine to get her out of her spiral. 

-The compromise they eventually work out is to have an intimate ceremony with a big reception. Only the closest people will witness Antigone and Eric’s vows- Georgie (standing as Best Mate), Jennifer, the Mayor, Madeleine (as ring bearer and Mouse of Honor)... and Rudyard. 

-Of course it also takes Georgie to make Rudyard understand that his sister and his competitor are in fact together and getting married. He loses it, but not in the way anyone expects- he goes hunting for Antigone’s cyanide capsules. Or tries to. Georgie has to physically bar his way from the mortuary. Very long afternoon, that. He comes round in the end, but it is yet another Ordeal in this family. XD

-Even with the reception being the ‘big’ part, there’s plenty that can and does go wrong in the course of planning. Eric wants everything perfect, of course. He even has a bit of a breakdown at one point- only for Rudyard of all people to calm him down.  R: “That’s just what happens to the Funns, Chapman, things never work out as they should. Welcome to the family.”  E (stopping short mid-drag of hands through hair): “-Family?” (no response) “Did you just-” R: “You heard me.”  E (touched): “I thought I did.” (Moment of silence) R (sniffs): “Mind you, if you hurt my sister, she’ll be the first to make sure they never find your body. And Georgie’s great at fires... among other things.” E (beaming): “I know.” 

-Antigone and Eric collab on the cake design. Dark chocolate, white chocolate accents on the outside, and an inner layer of salted caramel. Very lovely as well as delicious! 

-Rudyard takes it upon himself to arrange a custom place setting for Madeleine to use at the reception dinner. Tiny plates, tiny cutlery, everything perfectly to scale. It’s the most ambitious thing he’s ever made for her and it’s gorgeous.

-At the altar, Rudyard can’t resist putting in one last word. Wavering does the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit and R’s all, “Remember, Chapman. They’ll never-” but Antigone interrupts him with “Overruled. Carry on, Reverend.” 

-There is a brief photo session post-ceremony. The results are mixed. Chapman glows like a supernova, Antigone appears half swathed in shadow, and Rudyard is in every single picture- often making a disgusted face, except for when he’s got an evil grin as Georgie whispers jokes in his ear. The very last photo is Rudyard and Georgie fully taking up the foreground while the sunshine and the shadow disappear off to the right of the frame.

-The big reception ends up acting as a distraction for the bulk of Piffling Vale’s population, so no one will notice the happy couple themselves slipping away to sit on a bench in the square. They take their cake slices along, listen to the Piffling Philharmonic playing their hearts out from the hall, rest their heads against each other. The night is still, the music is pleasantly muffled, the moon and stars are out. Antigone briefly muses that this ought to be the happiest she’s ever been- and then realizes that, if not happiest, this is certainly the most contented she’s ever felt. And she tells Eric so.

-There are maybe five minutes of blissful uninterrupted peace before Rudyard and Georgie come out looking for them. Upon sighting the occupied bench, brother and Best Mate make a beeline for it; they proceed to scoop Antigone’s skirt out of the way and wedge themselves determinedly onto the end of the seat beside her. Eric has an inkling of where this is headed, and manages to get to his feet before his new suit can hit the dust when they successfully shove him off the other end.

-It’s not a ruined moment, though. Just a new one. 

[rhymingteelookatme]

Chapmigone Baby Headcanons pt. 2

Mostly as spun by the same group consensus, although I kind of got carried away at the end here. Under the cut.

-Herbert Cough runs the Thursday night movies a little softer, with better lighting in the house, so that if Antigone & Eric need to bring the babies they can. (The little ones later show an affinity for learning French. Antigone is pleased no end; she has them call her Maman.)

-Rudyard & Madeleine, Georgie & Jennifer, and Desmond & Nigel rotate babysitting duty.

-Clementine likes to hold Rudyard’s finger in her tiny hand.

-The only thing that always makes Mortimer laugh is hearing Rudyard scream, shout, or otherwise be audibly hurt. He teeths on R’s fingers every chance he gets.

-Georgie constantly plots ways to make Mortimer laugh. Jennifer lets the babies babble on mic for Piffling FM’s exclusive baby chat hour.

-Mayor Desmond misses no chance to tell the twins how much their parents have done for the community, and how their uncle Rudyard’s archive was the final stroke to make the village a town. The kids can quote the whole story by heart by the age of four if not sooner.

-Mortimer’s first word is “Mama.” Clementine legit waits to speak until she can form a proper sentence, and then her first sentence is “Uncle, where is Madeweine?” (She’s cross that she couldn’t say Madeleine’s name right. It spoils the achievement a bit for her.)

-Clementine, it later transpires, thinks that all mice are called Madeleine. This melts everyone’s hearts, though Antigone can’t help gently correcting her. Clementine insists.

-Both twins alternate between chatting pure gibberish and being creepy quiet. They’ve got plenty of influence for both behaviors.

-Despite Eric’s best efforts to get the babies to call him Papa, it doesn’t work; it’s all “Chapman” this and “Chapman!” that. Well, more like “Cha’ah!” But you get the idea. (Rudyard, triumphant: “There, you see! I knew they were Funns!”)

-Mortimer says “Now look hewe!” all the dang time. Answering the toy phone, dropping his toy and being cross, etc. Clementine takes to the embalming kit and practices on all her stuffed animals.

-Agatha Doyle slips the twins free sweeties when they’re older. She’s made them specially because Mortimer has a peanut allergy. And they don’t have too much sugar. “They’re bad for your health- but I think you two will be fine,” she beams as she hands them over.

-The circus is a favorite family outing. Lady Templar walks the tightrope and flies on the trapeze; Marlene is ringmistress as ever. Behind the scenes, the whole circus knows the baby twins. Even the animals- Marlene blithely introduces them to the elephants, the lions, everyone. “Do not fret, Chap-man. No animal of mine is going to hurt a child.”

-Herbert starts screening children’s movies as the twins get bigger. Antigone insists on final approval of the chosen films. They won’t be just watching any old thing. Got to be quality.

-Halloween birthday party locations are split between Funn Funerals and Chapman’s. They switch off every other year. Kids knock at FF for candy and are met only with Antigone’s bloodcurdling (recorded) screech of “GET OUT!!” Despite the fact that there’s never any candy, they keep trying; clearly Chapman has put on a haunted house. Then it becomes a yearly local dare- how long can you stand on the Funns’ doorstep? Georgie happily contrives new scares to frighten them off every time. She’s great at that.

-Lady Templar gets a little army of children together to throw eggs and TP at both funeral homes. Especially Chapman’s, but as he’s now a sort of honorary Funn, they get in for it as well. Marlene grudgingly joins her in a two-person horse costume, as long as they can dress up as each other underneath and M doesn’t have to stay the whole time.

-Clementine always wants to have a scary costume- something bloody or furry or gory, or all of the above. Mortimer likes to be a sheet ghost, purely because it’s the simplest costume there is.

-Antigone and Eric go all out with couple’s costumes every year. And indulge Clementine’s increasingly theatrical wishes.

-Rudyard, if he dresses up at all, will repeat his sherbet-faced ghost look- or put on a pair of desultory vampire fangs. He takes great delight in telling scary stories, though. Especially that of the Piffling Witch, and the Sinister Sherbet.

-Eric makes up stories about Spectre Detective Inspector Kojak Holmes that get wilder with each successive tale. Antigone reads aloud short Gothic classics from Poe and such- when she’s not spinning mad scientist yarns.