#Cate I agree we reacted the same way

[frick6101719]

lol I didn’t even read your Percabeth tags and had the same reaction 🤣

😂 The idea that his friends would start calling him Perky has me giggling like an idiot I mean CAN YOU IMAGINE

[z00r0p4]

Do you have any episode ideas where they could bring up Eugene possibly being on the spectrum?

I’d go with same general idea I had for Cate’s story. But it doesn’t have to be Cate, per se.

Besides, I’m getting the jist that Eugene and Katrina will foster or adopt another child besides Buck. That’s what they’ve hinted at. So, while it pains me to leave Cate out of the equation, here’s the concept:

Eugene and Katrina look into fostering/adopting another child and eventually find a candidate. The kid is probably much younger than Buck. Maybe 5 or 6. Social services (or whatever) had warned that it was a tough case, but Eugene and Katrina (Katrina especially) felt compelled/called to help this kid in particular.

So they bring the kid home, and things go surprisingly well for a little while. The kid’s got some quirks, of course, but nothing Eugene and Katrina don’t know how to handle. They’re especially tickled at how precocious the child is in the language department (who does that remind you of?). Ofc, it’s not entirely smooth sailing from the get-go, either, as it’s clear that this kid has a lot of trust and abandonment issues going on. And while the kid is clearly very intelligent, there are a host of developmental delays elsewhere. More or less, however, that was to be expected. E & K had done research into it well before they agreed to take on fostering the kid.

So then the kid inevitably has some sort of meltdown. I’m not saying it has to be on the same level as the classical, extremely clichéd “autistic meltdown”, but it’s definitely a meltdown of sorts. Maybe it’s the way something feels, or they become overstimulated in a certain environment and completely shut down. Either way, it’s kind of a big deal— at least, it is for Katrina. Eugene is... oddly unfazed by the whole ordeal, and basically reassures Katrina by saying this was what they signed up for. And he’s not wrong, of course. There’s no doubt about that in Katrina’s mind, but the situation left her searching for some sort of answer.

So, naturally, she goes back to her research. She was well aware of the typical abandonment and attachment disorders often found in children growing up in foster care or neglectful households, etc, but this... felt different. After having the kid stay with them for however many months at that point, there were a variety of things that simply could not be chalked up to an abandonment or attachment disorder. Some of those things would probably include a seemingly ever-increasing amount of physical sensory issues/overstimulation, repetitive self-soothing behaviors (and repetitive behavior in general), and a need for rigid routine (signaling some mental inflexibility).

Katrina’s a teacher at this point (right?), so she’s no dummy. She knows what autism is; she’s probably had autistic students in some of her classes, but even so, so she doesn’t begin to connect the dots until she stumbles across something comparing some of the symptoms of reactive attachment disorder to common traits of autism. So she diverts some of her research into that area, and starts to observe the kid according to those diagnostics. Things start to make sense then.

But something else also becomes apparent.

As she’s making all of these observations and mental notes, she’s referring to Eugene, naturally. “Doesn’t that seem a little odd?” She says to him, after pointing out one of the kid’s repetitive motions or behaviors. He chuckles and responds, in essence: “Don’t be coy, Katrina. Have you not seen me do that before?”

And she realizes that, yes, she has. But it was always written off as one of his many idiosyncrasies.

So she goes back to observing the kid, but she can’t help but notice all of these strange parallels. Eugene’s mannerisms, things he says and does; things he professes to hate, bear a lot of resemblance to the kid’s behaviors and preferences.

One day, she goes on a research rabbit trail about Autism and its relationship to savantism. And she is absolutely shocked at what she finds. Eugene is practically the poster boy for autistic savantism. It’s clear as the light of day; how had she never noticed this before? Furthermore, how had he never noticed this about himself? And what about his foster parents? Teachers? Doctors?

All the while, Katrina is becoming convinced that there’s a good basis for getting the kid tested, so she goes ahead and schedules an appointment. She wants to talk to Eugene about him potentially getting tested as well, but she’s unsure of how to bring it up— especially because, at that point, Eugene is completely unaware that there may be more to himself than meets the eye. He sees the basis for getting the kid tested; there’s evidence to suggest it. But him? He didn’t have meltdowns.

...or didn’t he?

Y’all remember when Eugene experimented on himself and ended up with a serious case of amnesia because the funding for his project was cut? He had to have been absolutely incensed in order to do something like that. Incensed enough to do something that batshit insane.

Yeah. That’s a meltdown, babes.

We didn’t actually get the privilege of hearing what happened the night he experimented on himself, since our knowledge of it comes from secondary sources, but we can imagine how he must’ve felt when we later hear him begging Mr. Whittaker to use everything in his arsenal to try and get his memory back. Katrina literally had to corral him back before he devolved into a nervous wreck. You can argue that he was just emotionally compromised from trying to navigate a life he couldn’t remember, but his response is, in my opinion, directly related to what drove him to act so carelessly in the first place. It’s in his nature to react so strongly to something like that.

Of course, Eugene doesn’t recognize that. And how could he? That is and always has been his reality. He assumes it must be similar for everyone else. And since his meltdowns, or “moments,” as I’d like to call them, don’t involve kicking and screaming or completely shutting down, he doesn’t think there’s any reason to suspect that he may be autistic, but Katrina is only more and more convinced as time goes on.

So from here I’ve got two ideas; Katrina schedules an appointment for him right around same time that their kid gets tested, so they show up to the office, and the psychiatrist (?) calls up a very confused Eugene. Or , the psychiatrist they’re seeing for the kid straight up reccommends he get tested. I could probably go into more detail about that, but this is already literally SOOO long so I won’t be subjecting y’all to any more.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

All right, more writing advice has occurred to me, as promised, so here it is.

Writing Advice #2: Find a scene you like in a story you enjoy and dissect it.

I say a scene you like, not a scene you love, because honestly you’re probably never going to enjoy the scene again by the time you’re done.  BUT.

Find a good scene in a good book, and list as many observations about the scene as you possibly can.  Figure out: what does that scene accomplish?  How does it follow on from past scenes?  How does it set up future scenes?  What does it do for the characters and/or plot?  Most importantly, how did the author make it do that?  Do it in a macro level, for plot and character and theme.  Do it on a micro level, for individual word choices.

I’ll use an example from #22: The Solution, because this is me and I never shut up about Animorphs.  And I’m gonna do just a macro-level breakdown, to see how that scene fits within the book to understand why I like it so much.

One of my favorite scenes from #22 involves the entire extended Berenson family crowding into a hospital room to witness the “miraculous” “recovery” of “Saddler” — really David using Saddler’s DNA to sneak into Saddler’s family — before Jake and Rachel, the only two Berensons in the know, step out into the hallway.  In classic Berenson style they deal with their feelings by shouting and nearly coming to blows... but they gradually open up to each other about the fact that they’re both feeling scared and helpless right now.  They actually hug, the only time we ever see Jake and Rachel show that much affection, and resolve to handle this David-Saddler situation together.  The Hallway Scene (as Cates and I call it) is p. 107 - 113 in #22, most of Chapter 21.

So how does Applegate set that scene up?

First of all, we get exposition on the Saddler situation.  It comes up twice earlier in the book — once in the form of Naomi giving Rachel an update while Rachel staggers off to bed after fighting David all night, once in the form of Jordan seeking Rachel’s big-sister comfort about the situation in a conversation Rachel later realizes David overheard.  Both of those moments mean it makes sense when Rachel’s struggle against David gets interrupted by her mom bringing her to the hospital to visit an injured cousin.  That moment with Jordan also sets up David’s decision to kill and replace Saddler, while on the surface being a tough-but-sweet moment between sisters.  So the reader understands the Saddler situation pretty well, and thus it’s equipped to drive the plot.  We also don’t need exposition about it during The Hallway Scene, and can thus focus on just the characters there.

Second, we get Jake and Rachel’s dynamic.  The book opens with Rachel going into a rage and promising to murder David when she discovers Jake lying on the floor of the mall.  Through the planning and execution of the Hulk Smash the team does on the G8 summit, we see that Jake and Rachel work together seamlessly during emergencies — and that they fall into bickering once the emergency ends.  Later, we get Rachel’s first attempt to confront Jake about his willingness to use her as a weapon against David as they’re on Jake’s front porch, only to have Jake cut Rachel off with a reminder that Tom is inside the house.  All of these scenes build up the tension between Jake and Rachel but allow it no release until The Hallway Scene.

Third, we get the mood.  Rachel misses her first night of sleep in the opening sequence, when Ax gets her out of bed and she ends up hunting David clear until dawn.  Rachel misses her second night of sleep when the Animorphs resort to a smash ‘n’ burn on the G8 summit.  Rachel misses her ability to catch up on sleep when Jordan comes into her room, and then David reveals he’s been in her room as well for an unknown amount of time.  Not only has she been without rest for the past three days, she’s been unable to relax anywhere: David might be in her house, David might be in her school, David might be in Cassie’s barn, David might be Marco, David might be crawling on her skin.  Rachel and Jake’s confrontation is dangerously close to being public — they’re in a hallway of a hospital — but they’re exhausted and have nowhere else to go.

Fourth, the book sets up the contrast between appearance and reality within the Berenson family.  Obviously the whole series is about how appearances are misleading, but this book has several moments with Rachel reflecting on her mall-rat past self and realizing that that girl is a killer now.  There’s also the moment where she says “[Jake] was sitting there, looking like any other kid stuck in any other boring minivan.  If you saw him walk down the street you might think, Oh, there’s a nice-looking guy... /But then, I guess that’s true of everyone.  You can never be sure whether the pretty blond lugging a pair of bulging Express bags through the mall is just another sweet, ditzy, harmless mall rat.  /Or me.”  Rachel is conscious that the Berenson family is simultaneously the most “nice-looking” (white, upper-class, close, mostly nuclear) and in some ways the messiest family even on their whole team of messy families.

Their very closeness is what makes Tom’s yeerk so capable of hurting Jake and Steve — as Tobias points out in #31, any yeerk in his family could just tell his guardians to fuck off and that’d be the end of it.  Their very closeness is what enables Jake to trust Rachel up to the point of asking her to commit murder, and what enables Rachel to trust Jake up to the point of committing murder on his say-so.  But it’s not until The Hallway Scene that we see Rachel’s understanding of “appearances are deceiving, especially in this family” and her understanding of “I’m a lot more scared of myself than anyone realizes” coalesce onto the epiphany of “oh wait, Jake feels the same way I do.”

So how does that scene set up the rest of the book?

This breakdown’s a little simpler, because this scene is 75% of the way through the book and 95% of the way through the trilogy.

First, it takes away a lot of David’s power, because being vulnerable with each other allows Rachel and Jake bring the team dynamic back in line.  All of a sudden David’s attempts to sow discord — calling Rachel a monster, gloating about killing Tobias, pretending to be Marco — shift from being terrifying and heartbreaking to being... there.  Rachel has all the power in that scene in the Taco Bell, even though David continues to think that he has the power, and part of the reason that’s true is that she has her team at her back now.

Second, it sets up the resolution.  The Hallway Scene allows Jake and Rachel to confront their own brutality, and to a certain extent they choose to embrace that brutality because they see no other way out of the situation.  Thus Jake green-lights Cassie’s plan to trap David as a rat, and Rachel does the dirty work of executing that plan.

Third, it prepares several other moments of uniquely brutal vulnerability between these two later on in the series.  Jake morphs howler for the first time while cradled between Rachel’s grizzly-bear paws, because she’s the one he trusts to kill him instantly if he can’t control the morph (#26).  Rachel spends the entirety of #37 denying that she got a civilian killed until the moment she can finally talk to Jake about it, and Jake all-but confesses to having done the same.  Jake can’t bring himself to ask Rachel directly to kill Tom in a suicide mission, but Rachel understands what he’s saying all the same, and makes him agree in exchange not to blame himself for their deaths (#53).

Fourth, it shifts the mood away from the kids feeling more and more trapped in their ever-shrinking corner, toward the kids realizing they’ve all got each other in that corner.  David’s fate is a terrible secret binding the team together, and it’s the reason that these six never really trust anyone but each other ever again in the series.  Jake’s scared of himself, Rachel’s scared of herself, but at least from here on out they can be scared together.

Why’s The Hallway Scene so impactful?

Contrast, mostly.  For instance, Applegate could’ve written a scene where Rachel reacts to finding out that Michelle’s and the other vets’ intervention kept Jake alive long enough for him to demorph and survive David’s attack.  There could’ve even been a scene with Rachel hugging Jake in a thank-god-you’re-alive way, processing the earlier emotion of having found him dying on the floor of the mall.  However, if we had gotten that moment, then it wouldn’t be nearly as surprising or as bittersweet when Jake and Rachel hug in the hospital hallway.  In canon, we get told-not-shown about the aftermath of Jake being rescued, and Rachel just assumes that neither she nor Jake needs a hug after all that because they’re Built Berenson Tough and must be fine.

Another hypothetical: Applegate could’ve set that same scene somewhere safe for them to talk freely, like the clock tower or another location David doesn’t know.  Or she could’ve set the scene somewhere completely unsafe, like Saddler’s hospital room where both Tom and David are within earshot.  However, setting it somewhere completely safe would raise the possibility that Jake and Rachel morph and attempt to do real violence to each other.  The scene wouldn’t work as well if they had quite that much freedom of expression, and quite that little urgency about talking things out right now.  Setting it somewhere unsafe might have interesting implications if they’re forced to use doublespeak the whole time (as we see them doing on the phone) but wouldn’t allow them enough space to be as emotionally vulnerable as we see them being in canon.  Forcing them to have the appearance of a normal conversation from a distance, while also allowing them to say what they will without fear of eavesdroppers, gives us exactly the right balance of tension.

How’d Applegate to it?

Not in the first draft, I guarantee you.  Attempting to fit a scene that well into a book that doesn’t yet fully exist is quite simply impossible.  Maybe there was a scene where Rachel gave Jake a thank-god-you’re-not-dead hug after Michelle fixed him, and it got taken out later.  Maybe the Saddler situation was originally explained as Rachel was already on her way to the hospital, and the exposition got deliberately moved to an earlier and less-tense moment in the plot.  Point being, it took writing and rewriting and rerewriting to get the book to fit together that well, and the same is true of any book that flows well in its entirety.

My other guess about what went on behind the scenes: lots of prewriting.  Lots of outlining the whole series, lots of “what would Rachel do?”, lots of research on elephants and rats and dolphins and eagles.

All of that is work.  All of that is a pain.  All of that is returning to a project even after the glow of initial excitement is gone.  All of that is fighting the urge to scream and yeet the draft after getting criticism.  But books don’t function if you don’t put that much work into them.

[marwritesgood]

Changes | S. Harrington

Pairing: Steve x Henderson!Reader

Timeframe: Season 3

Summary: When Dustin asks his sister to take him to Scoops Ahoy so he can see Steve, she knows it’s time to break the news to him.

masterlist

A/N: Send your requests in! I’m finishing Season 3 as we speak.

“Henderson! He’s back!”

When Dustin kept nagging me to drive him to Starcourt so he could see Steve for the first time since getting back from camp, I would have never anticipated the greeting they gave one another the minute Steve bursted through the doors.

“You got the job,” Dustin exclaimed, grinning happily. I knew he was disappointed about not reaching Suzie, and his friends not welcoming the way he wanted, so it was nice to see him happy again for a change.

“I got the job!” Steve laughed back, matching Dustin’s enthusiasm, something I had gotten mildly used to during our time together over the summer so far. 

After the two exchanged a complex, yet extremely dorky handshake, I sighed and leaned against the counter. Robin and I shared an amused glance, before turning our attention back to the two boys who were giggling, for having completed their elaborate handshake which ended with them pretending to vomit. Classic.

“How many children are you friends with?” Robin asked from behind the register. I tried my best to stifle the urge to laugh, but Steve’s inability to respond to her question sent me reeling.

“Okay, alright,” he droned, acting like he didn’t appreciate mine and Robin’s amusement, however, his unfazed grin suggested otherwise. “Henderson, you look like you’re in need of some ice cream, yeah? On the house.”

“Alright,” Dustin cheered. I didn’t think it would be possible for his mood to improve even more, but ice cream has that kind of effect on people. “I could go for a banana split boat.”

“You got it,” Steve answered, before turning to me with a smirk. “I think I might need an extra set of hands though, since Robin’s working the counter-”

“Oh jeez,” Robin sighed, knowing exactly where he was going with this.

“Y/n? Could you gimme some help?”

“Suuure,” I answered, in my artificially sweet tone. I hadn’t broken the news to Dustin yet, that Steve and I were dating, and he was making it really difficult to hide with all of his smirks and side glances. “Dusty, go save us a table and we’ll bring it out to you, yeah?”

“Okay,” he answered, too overcome with joy and excitement to take note of anything weird in our behaviour. Thank goodness.

After Dustin began walking towards the closest empty table he could find, Steve took my hand and gently pulled me along as he hastily made his way to the back room of Ships Ahoy, making sure my little brother wasn’t looking.

“You haven’t told him yet, have you?”

“I tried to,” I said, trying to reason with him. We had agreed that I would tell Dustin about our relationship as soon as he got home from camp, but with his friends surprising him and him getting disappointed when he couldn’t reach Suzie, it got increasingly difficult to bring up. “But then Mike and El bailed on him, and he couldn’t get Suzie to reply so Lucas and Max still don’t believe she’s real, and I didn’t want to overwhelm him.”

“Babe, slow down,” Steve said softly, placing both of his hands on my shoulders and breathing deeply, so that I could follow.

“He was just really bummed out,” I explained. “And he was super excited to see you, and I didn’t wanna change that.”

“Okay, I get it. We’ll just tell him now. Together... After we give him the ice cream, yeah?” I nodded after chuckling lightly. “But, I gotta ask... Was he... The only one excited to come see me again?”

He didn’t wait a second, to pull me closer to him, and snaking his arms around my lower back. As he leaned in towards me, staring intently at my lips, I placed my hand on his shoulders and kept him from getting any closer.

“What are you doing? He can probably see our silhouettes.”

“Aw, c’mon,” he whined, frowning as he reluctantly leaned back. He still kept his around me, and gently tightened his grasp. “I haven’t seen you all week. Can’t I have just one kiss before we break your little brother’s heart?”

“Well I’ll be damned. Do my ears deceive me?” I gasped dramatically, before linking my fingers together behind his neck. “Have I been transported to an alternate dimension, or is the Steve Harrington actually begging?”

“You know what you do to me,” he leaned close and whispered in my ear. It was needless to say that, even after years of dealing with his bullshit, and almost an entire month of dealing with his whining, he still knew just what to say to make my heart jump.

“Tell you what,” I began, before slowing pulling away from Steve, who reluctantly released his grasp. “You help me get through breaking the news to Dustin, and I’ll consider ‘accidentally’ making my way over to your place after I drop him off at home. Deal?”

I hold my hand out for him to shake, the way we always would when making deals. A tradition that dates back to our time together in middle school. But, instead of shaking my hand, Steve takes hold of it, lifts it up, and kisses the back of it. Before I can react, he quickly turns towards the ice cream tubs, and begins assembling the banana split boat.

“You’re such a dork,” I laughed, before helping him with the toppings. 

After we finished Dustin’s banana split, I held the door open for Steve so he could take it to the table where he sat. We had been in the back room for at least twenty minutes, but Dustin’s excitement remained unfazed. This both warmed my heart and brought me a strong feeling of unease. 

“Hey Y/n,” Robin called out to me, as I followed Steve towards the table. When I turned to face her, she held out a cone with two scoops of my favourite flavour of ice cream. “For you... You look like you need it.”

“Angel, Robin,” I muttered, before eagerly taking the ice cream from her hands. “You are an angel. A whole fucking guardian one.”

She tipped her hat off, making me chuckle, before I turned to see Steve sitting with Dustin. I walked over to their table, and sat on the left side , so that Dustin was inbetween Steve and I. They were in the middle of a conversation about Suzie, Dustin’s girlfriend. 

“No way,” Steve said, shaking his head at Dustin, who lifted a heaped spoonful of ice cream to his mouth. “Hotter than Phoebe Cates? No way.”

“What was that Steve?” I asked in annoyance, daring him to call another woman hot in front of me again. He quickly realised I was at the table too, and smiled cheekily at me. “Hm? Oh, nothing,” he answered.

“So do you really just get to eat as much of this as you want?” 

Dustin was an easily mesmerised kid, I knew that better than anyone. The prospect of free unlimited food, however, was something he will forever be blown away by.

“Yeah, I mean sure,” Steve shrugged. “It’s not really a good idea for me, though. You know, ‘cause I gotta keep in shape for...”

I raised my eyebrows, and Robin did too from her spot all the way from behind the register. Was this really how he wanted to tell my little brother we were dating? Steven quickly noticed my expression of concern, and kept himself from finishing the sentence with my name.

“... the ladies.”

“The ladies?” Dustin repeated, amused by Steve’s response.

“Yeah, the ladies, Steve?” I repeated, in a more aggressive tone, with eyebrows still raised and eyes widened. Steve found my expression entertaining, and smiled playfully in response

“Yeah. The ladies,” he affirmed. “One girl in particular, actually. She’s about Y/n’s height. Works with Miss Byers at Melvald’s. I think you know her?”

“She sounds like a real catch,” I exclaimed, whilst smiling proudly.

“Ehh,” Steve muttered, tilting his head from side to side. I pretended to be angry, and glared playfully at him. He returned the favour. “She’s alright. Never lets me kiss her, though. And her family members are a little weird.”

“Is that so?” I asked dramatically, crossing my arms in an exaggerated manner.

“Oh yeah,” he answered, a bit too quickly for my likings. “She has this little brother-”

Before we could keep playing the little act we found ourselves playing, Dustin cut in. Only then did we realise how confused the poor kid must have been, and how horrible of a job we were doing in easing him into the news. Perhaps the bandaid approach was our only option.

“What’s going on? Am I missing something?”

“We... We have to tell you something,” Steve explained, before nodding towards me. Once Dustin turned to face me, I took a deep breath before beginning. 

“Buddy,” I murmured, causing Dustin to immediately groan as though he were in excruciating pain. “What?”

“You only call me buddy when you tell me bad news,” he said, and just like that his expression was completely drained of all the joy and enthusiasm he was initially overflowed with after his reunion with Steve. “So, what is it this time? Are you moving away? Is Steve terminally ill? Did you two go on a date while I was away?”

I suppose for a kid who grew up playing DnD, we should have anticipated he would be great at figuring out what people are gonna do or say next. When Steve and I remained silent, Dustin’s jaw dropped.

“You guys went on a date while I was away?!”

“No,” Steve answered defensively, trying to get Dustin to calm down. “I’ve taken her out on at least 7 dates while you were away.”

I lifted my hand up to my face and sighed. Robin did the same, having been able to see and hear everything that was happening. 

“WHAT?!”

“Dusty, calm down,” I said softly, placing my hand on his shoulder, less in an attempt to soothe him and more as a precautionary measure in case he stood up to do something. 

“My sister, Steve?... Really? Of all the girls in this fucking town, you decide to go for my sister.”

“Hey,” I cried out in offence.

“Ugh, you know what I mean,” Dustin says, frustrated. “Why didn’t you guys tell me? Y/n, you sent me two whole letters while I was away... You didn’t think the fact that you and Steve were sucking faces is something important to note in?”

“I knew you’d react like this,” I explained calmly, trying to mellow down the mood of our conversation. 

“Because everything is changing,” he cried. I glanced over at Steve briefly, and he looked just as gutted as I was. After taking yet another deep breath, I wrapped my arm around Dustin’s shoulder.

“Look, Dusty, I get that a lot of things are changing,” I began. “But change doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.”

“Yeah,” Steve chimed in. “And just because Y/n and I are- I don’t wanna say sucking faces.”

“Yeah, please don’t,” I warned.

“Just because we’re going out, doesn’t mean anything else is gonna change too,” he explained. “Y/n’s still gonna be your sister, and I’ll still be here for you whenever you need. If anything, things are changing for the better.”

I had to hand it to him. Steve would make a great mom.

“I guess it is pretty cool that you guys are sucking faces.”

“-Again, I do not like that phrase,” I muttered, making both of them chuckle.

“And I s’pose if anyone’s gonna date my sister, I’m glad it’s you, Steve, and not someone like... Like that guy you were talking about before- Matt Lewinsky.”

“Right?! That guy is so lame. Spent all of last season on the bench.”

“Okay, moving on,” I said, as I rolled my eyes. I had heard enough of Steve’s complaints about Lewinsky to last a lifetime. I was not about to sit and listen to another one. “Are you okay now, Dust? Are we good?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, before reaching for the rest of his banana split. “Just... Don’t... do couple stuff in front of me. I’m cool with you two dating, but that doesn’t mean I’m not weirded out by it.”

“So, you’re saying it’d be weird for you if I did this?”

As Dustin leaned over to finish his banana split, Steve stood up as much as he could, and leaned towards me, pecking my lips quickly, but long enough for my little brother to squirm. I giggled, both amused by Steve’s antics and relieved that our relationship was out in the open now.

“I finally got my fucking kiss,” Steve stated proudly, completely unbothered by how very visibly bothered Dustin was. 

Deep down, we both knew the kid was happy that of all the teenagers falling in love this summer, his sister and the guy he looked up to did so with one another.

[rael-rider]

i read your thoughts on gotg#4 and im glad im not the only one picking up on ewing undoing the whole mcu peter and gamora cates planted in his last series. the hints were heavily implied in the first issue with peter not being contempt with not being starlord and settling down. which makes me wonder from ewings new interview about richard being forced to take a seat back if in #6 it'll reconnect him and gamora again *fingers crossed*

I think it’s more complicated than just splitting them up (but I can see that happening they way Peter left and how she’s reacting to it). Ewing is a writer that is very canon driven and the kind that would go back and read every comic that he can find with the characters he’s using and tries to reconcile all of what’s been done before and make a story out of it (His tumblr blog is full of Hulk stuff that he’s been reading in Immortal Hulk, it’s great as a companion piece). Gamora has tried to unsuccessfully settle down at least two times before (and they were with Adam) and considering how her life was since Thanos met her I can understand why she would try. Peter chose the Star-Lord life and even after he dropped the name he was all about protecting the Galaxy and doing whatever it took.

If anything he’s taking what Cates did, what Duggan did, what Bendis did, what DnA did, what Starlin and Englehart did and trying to reconcile all of it. Why would these characters change so much and why did they make these decisions? Why did Gamora and Peter end up together? What do both characters really want? And iwhen Peter comes back changed (which will happen because Ewing wants to make sense of 616 Peter’s history since it’s a mess) will Gamora be the same person she was before he left?

It’s interesting if you read GotG #3 because Gamora thinks about three moments she had with Peter and juxtaposes them with Peter’s words about settling down forever if they wanted to. It’s even the name of the issue “Forever. If we wanted to” and those words haunt her because of Peter’s uncertainty and him leaving her and dying

The bottom two are about love, the one in the middle is from Bendis’ Original Sin arc after Peter confessed to her what happened to Rich in the Cancerverse.

The last one is from Cates’ GotG after they defeat Thanos and come close to dying again and Peter says they had too many close calls that he wants to confess his feelings for her before it’s too late.

The first one is the odd one because it’s not about love, it’s a scene from DnA’s GotG #5 and it’s a precursor to a pretty crucial moment in DnA’s GotG. The team is breaking apart and the Luminals and all of Knowhere are going after Drax thinking he’s a Skrull. Cosmo orders the Guardians to stay confined in their quarters and Peter reluctantly agrees. Phyla feels guilt because she mentions Drax was in the Continuum Cortex without permission and thinks she’s responsible for everyone thinking he’s a Skrull. Phyla wants to go and save him but worries about Peter’s reaction. Gamora tells her that she should go if she feels like helping Drax and asks her if Drax’s life or Peter’s opinion is more important to her. Phyla thanks Gamora and tells her to tell Peter she went after Drax and Gamora says she will but she will also tell Peter Phyla was right.

Then this happens.

I don’t know if this is significant but we later find out that Peter had Mantis manipulate the team’s minds and emotions so that they would want to join the team and stay together in an attempt to keep the Guardians together.

It shows an ugly side of Peter and just how far he’s willing to go to protect the galaxy that he would manipulate everyone into staying, it also contrasts with how he was risking upsetting Gamora and fracturing the team to save the galaxy in Ewing’s run. 

As for Gamora and Rich they will either have a heart to heart or things are going to get worse with them and it all depends what Gamora is feeling. The solicit for GotG #6 reads"old friends and lovers must redraw the maps of themselves or tear them up entirely." so anything can happen. We learn from Drax in issue 3 that Gamora blames Rich for Peter’s death so it might be a confrontation regarding that or Gamora making her peace with it and wanting to see how Rich is doing. I find it interesting that she’s angry at Rich considering it was Peter’s decision to go and sacrifice himself and how it compares to when she was angry at Peter for coming back from the Cancerverse without Rich who also sacrificed himself to save Peter. Maybe a part of Gamora is in denial about Rich and Peter’s sacrificing themselves.

That said I am all for Gamora and Rich reconnecting although I think it will be awhile until Rich can have a romantic relationship with the way he is right now.

[kimkymury]

Blue Rose Tears - Chapter 3

Hello everyone!

I’m back with the third chapter of my Carl x Pascal fanfiction. I hope you like it!

I would like to thanks @depressedoverdrawings​ for  reviewing the history and help fixing grammatical errors.

Warning:  Just a little warning, some characters have distorted views about sexuality, and those views do not represent what I think in real life. This was written on purpose to suit the environment and the time that the story takes place, since at that time people were more closed minded.

The Portuguese Version of this story is also Available on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/928977847-as-l%C3%A1grimas-da-rosa-azul-cap%C3%ADtulo-3

Under the cut! Enjoy the story.

Blue Rose Tears

Chapter 3

P.O.V Narrator

The whole situation was new to Carl, he had already talked to the scientists about psychology, but being one of his "patients" was new. Pascal held a clipboard and a pencil, he wrote quickly without worrying whether his handwriting was legible or not. After a few more minutes of silence, the redhead turns his attention to his friend.

"I will ask you a few questions, all of which are basead on my research and on reliable sources."  - The elder boy said, he seemed excited to help his friend.

The dark-haired boy nodded silently. It was the first time he had vented to someone like that, It felt like a consultation with a doctor. Carl hoped he would be "fixed", that after those series of questions, he would stop feeling things for Serge.

"First question, descibre in detal how you feel being around this person." - The redhead asks patiently, preparing to write down the answet that would come.

For a few moments, the religious boy thought about how he could verbalize the feeling he had for the pianist. He had never felt anything like it. It felt mote like an obssession, if he could call it that.

"When I am with this person, I feel happy and I want to be closer to them. I really admire that person, they are everything I am not and will never be." - He says, praying internally that all that would pass.

"Okay, can you tell me what it's like to know that this person doesn't love you back?" -  The eldest boy asks, carefully writing down every word his friend said.

Carl felt desolate, that was the perfect way to describe what he was feeling. It was like he was never going to be good enough to be with someone like Serge. He tries to turn his feelings into words, in a way that is easier to understand and at the same does not sound so desperate.

"I feel...horrible. It's like I'm drowning in a wave of guilt, every time I'm with this person, I need to pretend I don't feel anything." - The dark-haired boy answers the question as he lowers his head, his eyes were fixed on the floor.

Pascal was surprised by his friend's response, It was normal to be sad because he fell in love with someone who doesn't correspond his feelings, but there was no need to feel guilty about something he couldn't control. That was when he decided It was necessary to find out who Carl had fallen in love with.

"Why do you feel guilty about loving that person? I mean, you're not doing anything wrong." - The redhead looks at the friend who sat opposite him with a worred look.

He didn't want his best friend to get involved with someone who might hurt him.

The religious boy was silent, not knowing what to say. He couldn't belive tha he was feeling things for another man, It was too much for him.

"Do I know this person?" - Pascal asked, diverting Carl's attention from those bad thoughts, making him focus only on question.

"Yes, you know.." -  He replied, afraid of the possible reaction of the scientist to know who he was referring to.

"I see, is this person your friend?" -  The redhead asks while looking at the boy in front of him, It was as if he was analyzing him inside and out.

"Yes, they are..." - At this point, Carl just wanted to his friend to stop trying to find out who was the person and to come up with a solution right away, so his problems could be solved.

"Last question." - After the scientist said this, the religious boy was more relieved.

"Is this person called Serge Battour?" - Pascal said with the same naturalness that asked the other questions, that phrase shocked Carl.

The dark-haired boy went pale when he heard that, he didn't expect it to be so easy to find out who he was in love. His mind was littered with fears and worries about what would happen next.

Would Pascal remain my friend? Would Pascal continue to treat me the same way? Would Pascal tell Serge this? But the most important, Could Pascal find a way to heal me?

"How did you find out?" - Carl said startled, looking at the scientist. He expected an aggressive reaction from him, but he received the usual calm look.

"It was really easy, actually. I just needed to analyze what you said, compare it with your social cycle and see who else fit in. As you said that we both know and the person was your friend, I just thought and discard the options that didn't match." - Pascal replied calmly, taking another drag on his cigarette that was in one of his hands.

No matter how long they had know each other, the scientist always found a way to surprise him.

"Aren't you...disgusted?" - The youngest said confused, his reaction was of someone who had just heard the most normal thing in the world.

"Of couse not, I'm surprised you think I would react in that way. So many conversations we've had, I've already explained to you that same-sex love is a natural thing." -  The eldest replied while leaving the clipboard aside, noting was no longer necessary.

"But...this is wrong. If someone finds out I could end up being expelled from school, and if Serge finds out, he-" - Carl was saying before he was interrupted by his friend.

"He won't find out because none of us are going to tell him, and about school, chill out. If they expel you. it'll be for the best, if it weren't for the lab I woudn't be in this school full of people who are limited and have closed mind." - The redhead replied while lying back in the armchair.

" Pascal! I can't leave this place, I grew up here. You too spent a lot of your life here, would you leave if you had the chance?" - The religious boy spoke a little irritated by the friend's comment.

"Of course not, I am being ironic, Despite all the defects, I would not leave Lacombrade, I would miss you and the others." -  The scientist replied, being a little kinder than usual.

"I would miss you too...but that is not important now. I need you help, that's why I agreed to answer the question." -  The dark-haired boy said the beginning of the sentence in a lower tone, before changing the subject.

Demonstrations of affection weren't exacltly Carl's thing, he didn't know how to express his feelings for people, sometimes others thought he didn't care much. But when he wanted someone to know that they were special to him, he found a way to demonstrate.

~Flash from a Year Ago ~

When Carl was younger, until he was about thirteen, he was closer to his younger brother. They moved away because the older one was too busy with his studies and did not like to hang out with his brother's friends. But the love Carl felt for Sebastian never changed, even though they didn't spend much time together or argue from time to time, he always protected his brother On a normal day, Sebastian looked more downcast than usual. He was usually smiling and running around, but this time was different.

"What happened?" - The eldest says approacing his brother, who was surprised by his presence.

"Tomorrow is my birthday, I asked Rosemariné if I had received a letter, but he said no. Mom and Dad must have forgotten about me." -  Sebastian replied saldy, it broke Carl's heart to see the 8 year old boy like that.

"They haven't forgotten about you, there was probably a delay in the post office and the letter may arrive after your birthday. Don't be sad." - The dark-haired boy tried to comfort his brother, bending down when speaking to stay the same height as him.

"Sometimes, I miss them..." - The tears threatened to flow from the small dark eyes, but were prevented by the same.

"I miss them too, but don't be sad. Tomorrow is a special day, so you better be smiling!" - Carl tried to cheer up the sad boy, running his hand lightly through his hair.

The two said goodbye and followed different paths, Carl's intention was good, but he was not very good at showing what he felt. Sebastian thought about his parents' letter all day, forgetting about it only at bedtime. The following morning, he was eight years old. Upon waking uo early as usual, he gets up and looks at his table. What was on it surprised him: there was a note wrote in a very familiar calligraphy, along with a small miniature hare, carved from wood.

That made the smile, he excitedly opened the note and read in a low voice;

" Happy Birthday, Sebastian.    I hope you like the gift, I bought it when we went to Arles and I thought you would like it.   I know it's not like the toys that Mom and Dad could give you, but I think it can be a susbtitute while we´re here. As much as they don't show it, know that they love you, and so do I. Congratulations for your eight years. Your brother,                          Carl Messier."

If Sebastian had ever doubted whether he was loved by Carl, those doubst were gone. He smiled, not cating if he hadn't received a letter from his parents. He knew he was not alone, as he had his brother by his side."

~End of FlashBack ~

"Why do you want my help?" - Pascal said, taking his friend out of those memories.

"Well, because I did imagine that maybe you could heal me. Can't you do something to make me stop feeling this way?" - He replied seriously, showing his concern

The religious boy was surprised by a laugh, of all the hours that Pascal could laugh, this was the least suitable. Carl watched his friend with an incredulous look, he didn't know why the scientist was laughing so hard.

Had he said something funny?

" How do you want me to heal you if you are not sick? Carl, you are just in love, there is no reason to see this as a disease." - The eldest speaks composing himself, while drying the tears that flowed while laughing.

"Yes but, feelings these things for another man is wrong. In fact, I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore..." - He replies, worried as always.

"I already said and I will repeat, if you want to sleep with someone, just go and do it. Life is too short to worry about what society will think." - The redhead says still recovering from the laughter

"P-Pascal! I did not mention that I would like to do these things, that would be outrageous!" - The dark haired boy says as get up from his chair.

He hadn't been thinking about that, had he? Feelings things for Serge, wanting to be around him was one thing, but...sleeping with him? This thought made the religious boy red with shame, he was not used to having that kind of though.

Since he was a child, he was taught not to question and not to think about this type of thing, especially with other men. People around him taught him to leave that kind of thinking only after he got married.

Pascal, different from his friend, saw no problem in thinking, studying or even talking with other people about sex. For him it was a natural thing, he was delighted at how the human body was capable of generating life. The relationships between people of the same sex did not boher him either, he used to ask himself why they did this, since it did not lead to reproduction. But that changed when he discovered the relationship between Serge and Gilbert, he realized that the feeling of love was more important than biological factors.

"Well, forget about that. You  said you're confused what you feel, what exactly confuses you?" - Pascal asked, motioning for Carl to calm down and sit down again.

"I don't know exactly, maybe I just admire him a lot and I'm confusing things..." - The youngest replied, with his usual shy way.

The two were silent for a while, the scientist was thinking of some way to help his friend understand what he was feeling. The questions were useless, he knew he felt something for Serge, but he wasnt sure what it was. Until suddenly, the older boy had an idea: he wanted to find out if Carl was attracted to other boys, just so he could discover the kind of feeling he had for the pianist.

"There is a way to make you understand what you feel." - Pascal said, with a smile from someone who made a discovery.

"Whatever it is, I am accepting it, I can't take this feeling anymore." - The dark haired boy spoke, showing a little excitement.

Seing that his idea had a good reception, he continues with what he was doing:

"Sit in front of me." - He says, right after that Carl gets up from the chair and puts it in front of his friend, before sitting down again.

The two are close, with only a slight inclination their face would meet. Carl seemed a little apprehensive, he was not used to being so close to people, but the desire to find out what he was feeling was bigger than any fear.

"Let's do an observation experiment, the fuction of it is to relax your mind and let your subconscious guide you." - Pascal explains to his friend, carefully analyzing every trace of his face.

"And will it help me understand and get over what I'm feeling?" - The youngest question, curious about what comes next.

"Maybes yes or maybe not, it's very relative. What matters most is the moment itself and how you felt." - The scientist explains, reassuring his friend.

"Okay, I accept. What do I need to do?" - Carl asks, determined to continue with that.

"I'll explain, but first I have to ask you...Do you trust me?" - The redhead asks, with a serious expression, showing that he expected an exact answer.

Carl did not hesistate, he trusted Pascal more than anyone else, perhaps even more than Serge. The two boys have know each other for a long time, have always been honest with each other and never keep secrets from either of them. In all the bad times, the scientist was there to help him, and vice versa.

 The answer was obvious to Carl, he trusted his friend and knew that he would never do anything bad to him.

If I could choose from all the people in the world to know one of my secrets, It would obviously be you. The one who never judged me, even though I was wrong. The one who was by my side in difficult time.

"Yes, I trust you." - The religious boy replied, assuring the eldest that everything was fine.

CONTINUED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER

Written by KimKymury, thank you for reading <3

[laughingpinecone]

Trick or Treat 2020 letter!

I am laughingpineapple on AO3  

Hello dear author! I hope you’ll have fun with our match. Feel free to draw from general or fandom-specific likes, past letters, and/or follow your heart.

All requests are art or fic - for art, the stuff I like is the kind that depicts the characters doing something. I’ll always be happier with a very simple drawing of two characters walking together or sharing a cup of coffee than with an ambitious composition that looks like an Avengers poster. I also enjoy seeing them wear different clothes, getting a feel of what their fashion sense is like beyond their canon outfit(s).

Likes: worldbuilding, slice of life (especially if the event the fic focuses on is made up but canon-specific), missing moments, 5+1 and similar formats, bonding and emotional support/intimacy, physical intimacy, lingering touches, loyalty, casefic, surrealism, magical realism, established relationships, future fic, hurt/comfort or just comfort from the ample canon hurt, throwing characters into non-canon environments, banter, functional relationships between dysfunctional individuals, unexplained mysteries, bittersweet moods, journal/epistolary fic, dreams and memories and identities, canon-adjacent tropey plots, outsider POV, UST, resolved UST, exploration of secondary bits of canon, leaning on the uniqueness of the canon setting/mood, found families, characters reuniting after a long and/or harrowing time, friends-to-lovers, road trips, maps, mutual pining, cuddling, wintry moods, the feeling of flannel and other fabrics, ridiculous concepts played straight, sensory details, sickfic, places being haunted, people being haunted, the mystery of the woods, small hopes in bleak worlds, electricity, places that don’t quite add up, mismatched memories, caves and deep places, distant city lights at night, emphasis on non-human traits of non-human characters (gen-wise, but also a hearty yes xeno for applicable ships), emphasis on inhuman traits of characters who were human once and have sort of shed it all behind

Cool with: any tense, any pov, any rating, plotty, not plotty, IF, nerdy canon references, unrequested characters popping up.

DNW: non-canonical rape, non-canonical children, focus on children, unrequested ships (background established canon couples are okay, mentions of parents are okay!), canon retellings, consent issues

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Hurdy

I love the game’s world and all the little stories and legends that fill it. Great atmosphere, great lore, so if you feel like getting a little worldbuildy and indulging in the scenery and its story, please do! A focus on the sense of camaraderie in a caravan would also be great (like people could do on Gamecube.....). Hurdy’s a bit of an odd duck for that theme, but maybe he hitched a ride at some point? With whom? Amidatty or De Nam maybe, among the nominated characters? I love the whole cast so anyone goes. Do they travel together enough for them to cotton onto the weirdness of the whole Gurdy situation? Got any run-in with Lady Mio? Or what’s his status after the miasma is lifted, can he go back to Tipa, can he/they begin to heal? What does healing even look like for him and Gurdy?

Ghost Trick: Cabanela

You know.. him. Dazzlingly OTT, untiring, rock-solid self-esteem, loyal to a fault, following a rhythm of his own, flawless intuition until it fails and it all burns down... him. I just want to see more of him doing stuff! The way he’s chill and open toward new people (like Sissel and Missile in ch15) makes him perfect to throw at most other characters and see how they react to the sparkles... I’d love some focus on how ridiculous his aesthetic is, half Saturday Night Fever half hardboiled detective half bubbly preteen (for a total of 150%) and yet he makes it work. Or how ruthless he can be, possibly for the sake of the people he cares for. The quote “The intimacy of big parties”. Him and Alma in the new timeline bonding over knowing (once Jowd has spilled the beans) but not remembering that terrible timeline. Some tropey scenario on the job. Snark-offs with Pigeon Man, by which I mean PM snarks and it bounces off him like water off a spotless white goose’s back. Dreaming Sissel but he’s strange... and wrong?

Ship-wise it’s only Cabanela/Jowd whenever it’s not infidelity, Cabanela/Alma in what-ifs and Cabanela/Alma/Jowd for me (and Lynne/Memry and Yomiel/fianSissel on the side). There are a bunch of shippy prompts in all my past letters - I would however reiterate here that Jowd. is. the worst tease. always.

Conversely, Cabanela/Lynne and Cabanela/Yomiel are NOTPs especially from Cabanela’s side. So while I appreciate the thick tension of a good Yomiel VS Cabanela confrontation like everyone and their cat, and also really appreciate a roughed-up Cabanela, and I do love Yomiel in his own right... I don’t want Cabanela being into it. Adrenaline junkie he may be but this hurts and his coat’s a mess and there’s no perfect winning scenario so he hates every second of it. (JOWD being into it is another matter altogether and he should probably mind his own business)

Kentucky Route Zero: Carrington, Cate

Act after act, intermission after intermission, I somehow didn’t see the arts rising to such a dominant theme in KRZ and it’s stuck with me since the ending finally hit. It’s great and moving. So! Who better than good ol’ antler man to linger in those feels! Carrington’s playwright adventures or Carrington&anyone you fancy, either way I’d listen to him ramble for a week and I would like to know more about his big dramatic plans. Or maybe him helping someone, more or less accidentally, by offering his unique takes? Overriding my “no canon retellings” DNW for a hot second, did he ever figure out what was going down in the Death of the Hired Man (or Nap of the Hired Man as the case may be) interlude?

For Cate, I’m mostly interested in two things: life on the river and mushrooms. Maybe both! The Echo river ecosystem is intensely fascinating to me as opposed to life on the surface and life on the Zero, and yet all these environments are permeable. So what’s a moment in her daily life that encapsulates the river? Someone they picked up on the Mammoth, a strange island that popped up at some point? Cate&Will bonding extremely welcome, I’m love Will. And then there’s the mushroom hunting. I don’t know much about mushrooms, but I do know that they’re cool. Cate seems to agree, so if you’ve got a story or pic in you about her and them mushrooms, I’d love to see it.

Pyre: Volfred Sandalwood

This is a Volfred solo, Volfred&literally anyone or Volfred/Tariq, /Oralech or /Tariq/Oralech request. If &Manley or &Brighton, I am not interested in more lenient takes on their characters than canon’s. fwiw I also enjoy Jodi/Celeste and Bertrude/Pamitha a lot!

I feel deeply for all of Pyre’s main themes - literacy, degrees of freedom, the fragile time that is the end of a historical cycle, nobodies rising up to the occasion, building a better society, and of course found family, “distance cannot separate our spirits” and all that jazz, and Volfred is squarely rooted at the center of all of them. Just please tell me things about my fave. His relationship to the Scribes (as a historian, a some kind of vision, via *ae or once he’s a star himself)? A ‘forced vacay’ Downside ending where he looks at the Union from afar and keeps living in this strange transformational place? Life in a cramped Blackwagon that was meant for like 5 people tops and is currently eight Nightwings, a herald and an orb? Since he picked him for the job to begin with, does he respect and cherish Hedwyn as he dang well should? What does it feel like to try and Read a herald? Was he ever in danger, in the Commonwealth or in the Downside? Does he puff up as prime minister because he’s nervous, and who can see past his hyper-professionalism and lend a hand? Please roast him big time about the votes he assigns to the various Nightwings in his planner? What’s his attitude toward the flame’s purification (what with being a tree but mostly like, as a general concept. He did nothing wrong!) (well he definitely said some things wrong and sometimes oftentimes the ego jumps out, but his intentions did nothing wrong)? When did his calculating approach fail him? Something with Pamitha along the lines of that edit that goes “Can we talk, one ten to another?"/"I am an eleven, my girl, but continue."? btw that ‘emphatically yes xeno’ from my general likes is only applicable here I guess so: emphatically yes xeno to both shippy interactions at all ratings and to gen explorations of what a Sap is like...

Shenmue: Qiu Hsu, Xianzi Bei

Cormorants... kung fu... cormorant kung fu. They turned out to be my faves in a very likeable cast and I’d love to see either or both of them slice-of-life-ing it up in Niaowu, or anywhere up or down the river. The rest of the cast is welcome to join! Did Ren end up at Liu He Hall for whatever reason, or did Shenhua chat up a cormorant, as she does? Id love to see a spookier mood too! Ghost story time in Liu Jiao shrine maybe?

The Silver Case: Catherine, Kodai Sumio, Kuroyanagi Shinko, Kusabi Tetsugorou, Macalister Edo, Morishima Tokio

I‘m all for the surrealism, big things being introduced and never picked up again, Rashomon’ing it up with six explanations for the same thing where no single one can be true, people dying and then popping up again like nbd...  maybe the thing I like the most is characters transcending their humanity and looming over the dystopian world like ominous avatars. Correctness’ first ending had me swooning, that kind of mood is unparalleled. I have played TSC, FSR and 25W so far and have vague memories of K7. I’m aware of the “everything’s connected” readings but that’s not my main interest in these games. Mainly I see Lospass as a real island but also a metaphysical  place of transformation first and foremost, where strange things happen that don’t make sense elsewhere, but I’m good with anything that works for your story! There are a few & prompts for these fine folks in my Press Start letter [here].

For Catherine, I’d love to see something along the lines of her YAMI appearance, on Lospass on her own or hanging out with another character of your choice (or Tokio again). Sumio leaves me at a loss for words... if you’ve played 25W, maybe an expansion of his [intense ethereal whooshing] moment? He’s a gust away from vanishing from existence altogether... &Sakura and/or &/Tetsu if you want. Or his time in prison or a return to Lospass or whatever’s going on with that one, really. For Shinko I’m itching for different team-ups! Throw her at anyone you like and see what happens! FSR-era Tetsu could be cool, or off-the-grid Tetsu, or Tetsu&anyone... as for Edo, I’d be curious to see his pov on anyone and anything! WAS the Flower Sun and Rain the friends we met along the way? And Tokio... oh Tokio. Something about older Tokio and his gaggle of tulpas (Slash and whatshisface from YUKI who looks suspiciously like YAMI Tokio himself?)? Any...thing...about any part of his life from Lifecut onwards? Any portentous encounters?

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Absolute Carnage #1 Thoughts

Absolute Carnage is an Absolute Triumph!

Do not get it twisted. I will not be covering older or future issues of Cates’ Venom run. Nor will I be covering every tie in issue for this event. In fact I was not planning on covering the main book in the first place.

But after reading it I now will be and have put it on my pull list.

Cates’ Venom work has been tremendous despite the detractors.

There have been some writing issues with older Venom continuity, but those issues are the by product of Cates desperately loving this character and the symbiote franchise and wanting to make Eddie Brock and his version of Venom a viable anti-hero protagonist character going forward.

To be clear I still fundamentally oppose that direction for the character, but if it must happen (and sales practically demand it happen) then yes we should have good writing accordingly. Cates has thus reinvented Brock and Venom (without a total overhaul) and rendered them fascinating, sympathetic, but still with plenty of edge and moral ambiguity.

He has not done the same for Carnage. He has simply taken Carnage and made him true to what he always was. A force of nature, a force of chaos and death with a Freddy Krueger wisecracking personality.

However what Cates has done for Carnage is reframe him in this story.

Whereas before Carnage was a spikey, sharp obstacle heroes needed to band together to bring down, now he’s beyond that. As he says, he is a God now, or at least almost Godlike. A Red Grim Reaper that even a monster like Venom is rightly afraid of.

Heroes might be able to stall him for awhile, but never stop him.

Much like Freddy Krueger, or Jason Voorhees or any of the classical slasher villains then, Carnage has been reframed as a horror monster. But imagine Jason, Freddy or Michael Myers with the almost Lovecraftian raw power behind them.

Scary right? And that’s what Absolute Carnage is. It’s a superhero horror story.*

It gets scarier when you consider Carnage isn’t even himself the real horroer, he’s the harbinger of it. Knull, the literal GOD OF THE SYMBIOTES is the ends through which Kasady is the bloody red means. Knull has recently appeared in Cates’ Silver Surfer run and it only just struck me writing this that in a sense Carnage is to Knrull what the Surfer was to Galactus.

Carnage is the Herald of Knull.

Kasady has all the over the top immense abilities he had before as Carnage, only now they’ve been cranked up to 11. Which considering the whole point of Carnage was that he was cranked up to 11 makes Absolute Carnage 22? He’s less vulnerable to sonics and fire and injury in general. His anatomy is contorted to the point where when bonded with the symbiote his waist is as thin as his spine and he’s HUGE. He can generate other symbiotes and bond them to others making them his footsoldiers.

He’s seemingly Absolutely unstoppable.

In this sense Absolute Carnage is a true blue sequel to Maximum Carnage. Like so many sequels of the time it is BIGGER. Whereas in Maximum Carnage the question was how far should the heroes go to stop Carnage, in Absolute Carnage the question is rather how on Earth CAN they stop him?

It’s Carnage taken to his absolute logical conclusion and I love it.

Now in fairness all that is contingent upon you liking Carnage in the first place. I’d still recommend regular ASM readers skim the issue as events from it will be relevant, but if you don’t like Carnage in general maybe don’t buy this.

However the issue holds other merits.

Cates is a unique beast amidst symbiote writers because he actually seems to unrepentantly LIKE them.

In the history of all the symbiote comics writers have either approached the characters as enjoying Venom and/or Carnage or parts of their lore but being very selective. Flash Thompson’s run on Venom for instance carried an undercurrent of, if not contempt, then elitism towards Eddie Brock and all the other symbiotes hence Remender (or was it Bunn?) sought to clean the slate of them. Bendis infamously didn’t even want to do Venom in Ultimate Spider-Man, rarely used him after he did and totally reframed the symbiotes in Guardians of the Galaxy to be glorified gooey Green Lanterns.

And I will be the first to admit I fall into the cadre of people who are extremely selective when it comes to symbiote lore. My love for them is through the lens of how they fit in and enrich Spider-Man’s  mythology, not appreciating them on the basis of their own mythology.

Cates is entirely different. He is first and foremost a Venom/symbiote fan. He is someone, and there are interviews corroborating this, who as a kid had one of his formative comic book lover experiences with anti-hero 90s Venom and stories like that.

This is why so many of the Web of Venom comic books that have been setting up this event have directly or indirectly referenced those 90s Venom books, even if it’s just in the name of the comics. Unleashed. Funeral Pyre. Cult of Carnage. Carnage Born. I mean he’s the first comic book creator to have ever expressed adoration for Carnage Mind Bomb, the first ever true blue Carnage horror story that is his equivalent to the Killing Joke. It’s obscure, macabre, twists and gruesome. But it lays out for you everything about who Carnage is. He hasn’t got layers. And that is the point.

Cates’ love for those stories, for the symbiote lore oozes (pun intended) in his Venom work and this comic. He WANTS to use every corner of that lore that he can and add to it. He wants to tell the greatest symbiote epic of our time. He wants to do the ultimate Carnage story, the ultimate Venom story.

Hell he WANTS to do a Maximum Carnage tribute because he unapologetically loves that piece of hot trash.

And he wants you to love that stuff too. I don’t agree with the decision to do stories like this because I feel Venom and Carnage should be just about the only symbiotes around and be nothing more than Spidey villains at that. And yet...I feel his enthusiasm pulsing from the pages of this comic.

His love and excitement for using these characters and doing something this big is as palpable as it is infectious. And so he’s won me over. I don’t agree with doing this story but I’m so onboard for enjoying the ride.

It helps that it’s honestly very well written.

He’s done his homework (and symbiote canon is a fucking mess let me tell you so that is impressive), he throws out deep cut references to stuff like Marvel Knights or the Life Foundation. More than that when you look at this issue and his Venom run up to this point you can see how meticulous he planned it. it could go way off the rails of course, but right now he’s firing on all cylinders. Carnage was appropriately foreshadowed and built up, his escapades were well documented in various issues preceding this event. The Knull mythology was clearly established, the stakes were appropriately set up.

And just in case you disagree he spells it all out for you concisely in the first few pages of this oversized issue. I’ve been reading the run and even I appreciated the refresher course.

He doesn’t just give us a larger than life doomsday scenario though, or even a ‘a bad guy is doing bad things we need to stop him’ plot. By making everyone to have bonded to a symbiote a target it means characters we are emotionally invested in, even if they are villains we love to hate, are in jeopardy.

And at the beating heart of it all is the story of a father and a son.

Eddie Brock and his son, unbeknownst to the boy of course. On a thematic level this is relevant because Dylan and Kasady/Carnage are both the products of Brock and the Venom symbiote. But the fact that this is all about Knull, the ‘father’ if you will of all symbiotes makes this a metaphorical family drama.

And Peter Parker to my surprise and delight is a part of it. I didn’t expect him to show up or to seemingly have the starring role he will have, and yet here he is. That’s what got this onto my pull list.

If there are any criticisms to be had it relates to Spider-Man continuity.

Peter is nonchalant over Brock knowing who he is.

Spider-Man in costume refers to Normie as his Godson multiple times in front both Normie and Dylan.

Norman Osborn may or may not still have the Carnage symbiote (the art makes this a bit unclear).

Spidey is very chill with Brock.

These do bother me, they are objectively writing issues I will not deny that, even though my thrill at the rest of the comic means on a pure enjoyment level I can’t bring myself down by sweating them.

My only defences would be that Peter upon learning Brock is once more aware of who he is would probably not react that badly to the information for a few reasons. First of all he was already living with the distinct possibility that Brock already knew the truth about him. The symbiote had known for a long time and had been bonded to Brock for awhile now so it was always a possibility. Second of all the Brock/Venom of the 80s and 90s is not the Brock of the current run. That is to my personal chagrin, but nevertheless Peter knows Brock and the symbiote are nicer more moralistic folks now and if they still held a grudge they’d have come after him, with or without knowing who he was.

My other defence is that this is not a Spider-Man story. It is a Venom story. It is in essence Spider-Man/Peter Parker filtered through the lens of Venom and the needs and requirements of serving Venom’s character and narrative. Whilst a major problem in Maximum Carnage was serving Carnage and Venom at Peter’s expense, that was a Spidey story in his titles, this is Venom’s story so giving him the spotlight, short-changing Peter’s continuity for the sake of propelling the plot along, that’s fair game. I don’t like it but it’s fair game.

Similarly Peter becomes Brock’s supporting character in this story and an effective one at that.

Brock recognizes Spider-Man is his best ally to resolve this situation even though he hates him. We learn more about Brock as a person through his feelings towards Spider-Man. Where once irrational hatred flowed now there is surprisingly...jealously. Spidey often gets a bum rap in the press and yet Venom is envious of that because in and out of the costume it’s much better than his lot in life.

There is also two wonderfully poignant moments between the two. The first is where Peter learns Dylan is Brock’s son and that Dylan doesn’t know this. We see the hurt Peter feels when he relates how terrible it is to not know who your father is. The second poignant moment is when Brock is distraught that Carnage must have desecrated the body of his deceased ex-wife and Dylan’s mother. For a character like Eddie Brock who’s so often (unfairly frankly) been dismissed as lacking depth this is a shocking moment of sadness, compounded by the fact that Dylan doesn’t know who Ann was. In this same moment Spider-Man looks remorseful too, which is a subtle piece of continuity porn done right by Cates. Ann was first introduced in ASM #375 (the issue setting up Brock’s solo series actually) and later died in ASM vol 2 #19.

What follows is another Spidey/Venom team up but arguably the best, or at least one of the best ever, as they encounter the Maker a.k.a. Ultimate Reed Richards which is a historic moment as Spider-Man finally gets to meet the counterpart to his old friend. There is plenty of other connections between hem too. The Ultimate Universe is innately associated with Spider-Man more than anyone else, the Maker like him was a young genius and they were both among the Secret Wars 2015 survivors. We get Normie Osborn returning for the first time since Fresh Start, a welcome return at that as I always love seeing his relationship with Spider-Man acknowledged. Then we get a nightmarish sequence set in Ravencroft with yet more well done continuity porn. John Jameson, veteran of Carnage Mind Bomb, Carnage: It’s a Wonderful Life, Conway’s Carnage run and 90s Ravencroft stories shows up to pay off his appearance in Cult of Carnage earlier this year. Norman Osborn returns in what will hopefully fix the asinine Red Goblin story arc. Spidey and Venom have their backs up against the wall (literally) and facing down Carnage, an army of Carnage infected psychos and Norman Osborn with the Carnage symbiote.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve ended a comic thinking ‘How WILL they get out of this?’

To tie aaaaaaaall this together is Ryan Stegman’s stellar art.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, Stegman is the best new Spidey artist of the 2010s. He’s Bagley, JRJR, Frenz levels of awesome. He’s also the perfect fit for symbiotes as his art seems to be somewhat influenced by McFarlane co-creator of Venom despite what fucking fools (like RDMacQ) might think. His style here is dynamic, detailed, funny when it needs to be, scary when it needs to be, awe inspiring when it needs to be.

His double page spreads are eye candy and the one depicting the pit of bodies feels straight out of a late night drama. It’s just brilliant.

Never before has there been a Carnage or a symbiote story that’s felt this epic, this ambitious, this sheer mad and audacious in scale.

I can’t wait to read future installments.

Cates in this issue, and his run in general, has somehow managed to recapture the allure of the symbiotes that I think 80s and 90s fans felt when they first fell in love with them.

If you don’t like Carnage or symbiotes inherently I strongly recommend you skip this. If you even vaguely like them though I cannot recommend this enough. 

*Carnage has been making the transition into a horror character for awhile now. Carnage U.S.A., which is recommended reading for this event, felt very similar to a Dark Horse horror comic only with Marvel superheroes. Gerry Conway was explicit about how his Carnage ongoing series was effectively his take on Tomb of Dracula.

[ratherashleigh]

yall, katie mcgrath did not one, not two, but three interviews this week. i’m shook.

obligatory supercorp content:

"I think that's why people have taken it to heart, because in us making it our own, I think people have been taking it for themselves. Yes, it's similar to what you've seen before, but only in its infancy. I think where it is now, it's become something individual and it's become something that is just theirs, and it's just the show's, and it's just the fans', which I think is what makes it compelling and what's made it so popular as a relationship, that it just exists now as its own thing."

i think what she means is the fans don’t give a shit what the show does, and that’s okay?

"I feel pretty good this year because Lena may not know, but Alex has lost her memory and if Alex doesn't know that Supergirl is her sister, then I think it's OK that Lena doesn't know," she says. "When that happened, I was like, this is amazing, it's no longer all on my shoulders. Her own sister still can't tell, so I'm fine now. I'm like walking in and feeling great now, now that I'm not the only one who doesn't know."

i can actually imagine katie seeing this and i’m cackling.

"See, this is the thing. You don't have just one person with a loaded gun behind Lena's head. The bullet is the knowledge that Kara is Supergirl, and before, it was Lillian who had that, but now you have Lex, who's even more of an unknown quantity, and he's holding that information, and it's almost the information that will completely destroy Lena. He could pull the trigger anytime, and that's an amazing dramatic point to have in a show of at any time, if that trigger's pulled, what that would mean not only for Lena, but what that would mean for Kara and Supergirl. So it's this sort of extra added switch to a bomb that could go off at any time."The common goal of finding and catching Lex helps bridge Lena's relationship with Kara and her relationship with Supergirl, McGrath says. "That kind of unifies them…so you get a more friendly relationship with Lena and Supergirl then you had for a season and a half, and then at the same time, the betrayal of Eve has had the result that I think Lena becomes a whole lot closer to the people that she does trust, and the main person she trusts is Kara, so ironically what that has done is it has brought her closer and more trusting to Kara, which from a viewer's point of view, because you know that Kara has been keeping a secret from her, is so bittersweet to watch because you see Lena start to rely on her even more, but at the same time you're going, oh god, but only if you knew. So it's just an amazing, dramatic quality and this extra sort of delicious ingredient to this whole storyline."

IT’S FINE I DON’T WANT TO CRY OR ANYTHING.

“If and when she finds out that Kara is Supergirl,” McGrath agrees, looms large over Lena right now. “I can’t tell you when it’s going to happen … but if it did, I think the results of that are utnold for what that could mean for Lena, her psyche, her emotional wellbeing, her friendships.” Unlike the recent betrayal by Eve, with her true friend Kara, “I think it’s a greater betrayal, and I think it will have more lasting results on her.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ironically, what it does is, rather than make her more wary of the people she trusts, it makes her cling onto them even more. So her relationship with Kara is ultimately strengthened by it because she’s driven toward the people she trusts because she’s had yet another person taken away from her — which, especially with Kara, for the viewer watching it, is so heart-rending because she’s growing closer to the friend who she trusts when ultimately the viewers know that this person is also lying to her, for very good reasons and not to hurt her or anything.

is it stupid to hope that last bit matters?

[When we spoke to you at the end of your first season on the show, you said you were happy that Lena was the only person who didn’t know Kara’s secret because it made their relationship special. Two years later, we find out that even Lex knows her secret. Do you still feel that way, or are you dying to join the club now?] No, I still feel that one of the loveliest parts of the Lena-Kara relationship is that Kara can be human and frail and not a hero with somebody — that she can just be Kara Danvers, rather than having to be Supergirl. I think that’s a wonderful thing for Kara to not always have to be the person who has to solve every problem and face the world. I think she needs that. For as long as it may last, I’m very happy for it to be Lena that has that relationship with her. Up until Alex had her mind wiped, Lena was the only person who could have that relationship with her. For Kara, it’s not the same with Alex because Kara knows what’s missing in the relationship and Alex doesn’t.

and literally none of this answer is about how lena. rip me.

anyway, the wild part of this interview spree is that one of them was with the mary fucking sue.

One such factoid that emerged was that Lena’s birth mother was Irish, like McGrath herself. “This is an illustration about how lovely and sweet our writers are,” McGrath laughed. “They do put in little things for us to make us smile.” Further than that, McGrath gushed, “This is why we’re so lucky with this job, that everybody on it cares about you as a human being.”

mhmm, yeah. that’s why they did that.

In the most recent episode, “House of L,” we learned that Lex, like everyone but Lena at this point, knows Supergirl is Kara Danvers. How did that happen? McGrath theorizes that Lillian Luthor told him. “He didn’t figure it out on his own because he’s no smarter than Lena is,” 

S C R E A M I N G.

Lena knows how to prepare herself for hard days, even so, and some of that preparation comes down to the gorgeous fashion McGrath gets to sport (sometimes in places where a cocktail dress isn’t appropriate, but we’re not complaining). No Lena outfit has made as big an impression lately as the plum three-piece suit she wore to work with her brother: “I think, when a woman wants to feel elegant and powerful but in control, a very beautiful, tailored three-piece suit goes a long way to making you feel that … and I think that was part of what was going on there with Lena.” McGrath actually brought the idea of the suit to the costumers, inspired by photos of Cate Blanchett in suits that were “sill feminine but totally in control.” Indeed, Lex may have his “Lexo suit,” but Lena has perfect couture, and I think we all know which one is better.

this interviewer is all of us. and all of us is gaaaaay.

ew:

At the same time, though, Lena will be dealing with her guilt over, well, everything that’s happened: the mayhem that Lex’s nefarious deeds cause, Red Daughter’s existence, and James experiencing the side effects of the Harun-El serum. But she won’t let that guilt get her down.“A lot of what drives Lena in the second half of the season is this need to fix those wrongs that she feels responsible for,” McGrath says of how Lena will react to Red Daughter. “[This] is an ongoing theme within the show: Her research, [which] is created for good, is taken and perverted, and it is often the source of all evil for the series. This has happened again to her. So much of the world is dealing with the results of her actions again. So she becomes very focused to fix it, and a focused Lena is a force to reckoned with.”

not for nothing, but i keep trying to think of a real world equivalent to this specific conundrum and it’s like... people who build weapons probably don’t operate under any illusions that what they’re doing is going to hurt people if used by the wrong people (and lol that in this instance the wrong hands were lena’s. and by lol i mean holy fuck.) but like... is lena mark zuckerberg?

(also i think this interview was done by email, otherwise it’s super weird that a lot of katie’s quotes include parenthetical asides.)

[I knew Lex was playing Lena, because it’s Lex Luthor — but I found myself sort of wishing he wasn’t, especially in that moment when he tells Lena about the time he met her mother. How did you feel playing that moment?] He had me in tears. I was weeping down my face. We didn’t do that [scene] many times because I was crying so much. In that moment, I think he made Lex very human, and I don’t think we were expecting that. I don’t think we were expecting a vulnerable, human, relatable Lex Luthor, and I think that’s what’s really interesting about what Jon Cryer has done with Lex. He really [shows] all of these very different sides. There are moments, like you said, where you’re like, “Oh, maybe he isn’t a bad guy. Maybe there’s hope for him. Maybe we’re going to see a Lex Luthor that might be a hero.” (And maybe you don’t want to see another person be horrible to Lena, but that might just be me projecting.)

so anyway, i have this headcanon that lena believed using the harun-el on lex would actually fix him in the head, but this makes just feel bad for lena. like, at the end of the day when someone says they need her, she’s going to bend over backwards to provide. ugh :(

I think her confidence is completely shaken, but at the same time, it has hardened her resolve. She is a woman that when she is faced with a problem, she doesn’t retreat from it — she attacks it. Yes, this has completely shaken her, but it has focused her mind to go forward and to fix the problem. Her drive and her focus to fix this is sort of second to none.

please get this girl therapy.

Although Lena and Supergirl are coming at the same issue from different points, they ultimately have the same end goal. They both believe in helping people and the greater good and saving mankind, which are all lofty goals.

good answer. i wish this is where this answer had stopped when she was talking to e. see below.

(What I love about my job is that I can sit here and talk about this like that’s normal. Honestly, sitting here half in my pajamas talking about saving mankind is a good day. But I digress).

look, girl, you’ve put me through the ringer with this series of interviews but lmao i love you.

and finally, e! online.

warning: there’s a clip from the upcoming ep that autoplays right at the top.

ANYWAY THIS INTERVIEW IS THE WORST.

"They both believe in the greater good and helping humanity," McGrath says. "They just come at it from two completely different sides, like the left wing and the right wing, but they ultimately both want the same thing and the search for Eve and this need to catch Lex sort of unites them and you see them all working together, but at the same time in doing that, Lena is still dealing with the secret that she helped Lex, and she has to carry that through as well."

i would like to go back in time and never have read this sentence with my own eyes. ms mcgrath is forbidden from interviews for another two years, thanks bye.

Lena definitely feels some guilt, but she's also been betrayed, and McGrath says we won't see her "totally deal with it.""I think she can't. I think if she starts to unpick it, she'll unravel completely, so what you get instead is it pushing Lena to be extremely focused on catching Lex and catching Eve and a focused Lena Luthor is a very dangerous thing. With her single-minded pursuit, you should be very wary, and I think that's what they've done is rather than her sitting around and unpicking straight away all the stuff that's happened, it's just lit a fire under her to go fix it, because she feels so responsible.

this part is fine. totally fine. katie has some genuinely good insight into lena’s ongoing trauma and how that drives her, BUT THEN.

But not only does she feel responsible, but she can't tell anybody truly 100% why she is responsible, because she would have to admit that she was helping Lex."

EXCEPT NO. NO NO. sorry, this is spoilers from the clip, but LENA WAS GOING TO TELL ALEX. AND ALEX SHUSHED HER. CONFLICT THROUGH INTERRUPTED COMMUNICATION IS HACKERY. don’t defend that shit katie.

"So I will say that the Lena you get in the show is not going to be what you've expected, and a focused Lena is a very dangerous thing, but that doesn't necessarily mean what you think it might mean. Or it could!"

oh no, she’s totally drunk the kool-aid.

"I don't know if I could like, hold my own in a scene with Jon Cryer and Brenda Strong. I think I would just like, melt into a puddle of Katie on the floor and just be like, I don't know what I'm doing, you guys just talk and I'll watch over in the corner."

giiiiiiiiirl.

also whoever wrote this kept spelling it Tessmacher.

[neighbours-kid]

The Truth

I am tired.

I am so tired. So tired of trying to live a truth, my truth, while everything— everyone around me continues to believe the lies of perception, of “what has always been like this” without even questioning if they are still, or were ever, true.

I am so….so fucking exhausted.

I was watching this British show on Netflix about a murdered boy and with every new episode of characters lying to each other to save themselves some pain or to gain something for themselves, I got more and more restless. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

So I put on my jacket and my shoes and I went out, walking around in my neighbourhood, trying to breathe in the cold winter air and just….calming down. And I couldn’t.

I just…. I need to stop living in this perception everyone has of me. I can’t fucking go on like this anymore. On my walk I was so close to just….trying to punch my fist through a tree or a wall just so I could feel something else than this perpetual dread of exhaustion and living in these perceptions people have of me that are just not true.

I can’t do it anymore. I am done living in these lies. I want to live my truth and only my truth.

We lie all the time and I can’t do that anymore, not about something as important as my own life.

While I was on my walk, I thought about calling my mom and just telling her, because then at least somebody in my immediate family knows for sure. Even if it is the one person who I know pretty much for sure will not like my truth and will try to change my mind about it. It’s not her fault and I have hope that she will learn how to live with it as well, but if I know anything, I know that it will not fall on ears that like hearing it. But I thought, who cares, I just need somebody to know. Just somebody.

But then I thought what good is it to have the one person to know be one who will probably not support me. That’s just stupid.

I have wanted to tell my dad so, so, so many times. But thing about my dad is, I am not sure how he’d react. And I can’t lose him. I can’t. I already know my mom does not agree with this thing, but my dad? I have no idea. And I am afraid to find out. I am so afraid.

I thought about calling my brother. Because he is the only variable that I can’t….I don’t know anything, I have no clue how he’d react. But I know, if he even payed a little attention over the last years, he should know, or at least, he should not be surprised. I was *this* close to calling him, or at least leaving him a voice message. But I couldn’t.

I can’t just tell them. I can’t only tell them, because it won’t change any of the other situations. Everyone needs to know. Everyone. The lies of perception can only be shattered if there is no single believer left, and I need them to see what is true and what is not.

…

I have a few friends who know. Who know and have been supportive. Aside from them, I have no idea how any of the other people will react. Not a clue. And honestly, I am terrified.

But I am tired of letting my life be controlled by fear. I care deeply what those people will think, but I am gonna stop letting that keep me from being happy and living my truth out in the open.

It’s not fair, that I *have* to do this. It’s not fair that I have to tell people something that I have always known to be true, but just because I have finally learned the vocabulary to express it, people who have known me for most of my life now get to decide if they like this or not. It’s garbage.

But I just can’t go on like this anymore, I need to live this truth.

So here goes nothing.

…

When I went to see my doctor this past December, she immediately picked up on why I was there, without me really having to say a single word. I was not planning on telling her as much as I did, I only wanted to get a general check-up to see if I was healthy, and to get a referral to a psychiatrist so I could get my brain checked as well.

And then she asked me if I felt comfortable in my body.

And I said no.

I talked with her for a while, I explained my point of view, and she told me she would refer me to someone she knew. I am currently waiting for this person to get back to me so I can get an appointment.

For something over a year now, I have been binding my chest, because nothing has ever made me as comfortable in my body as having a flat chest.

My friends know that I have been exclusively shopping in the men’s section of clothing stores.

I have had short hair since sixth grade.

None of this actually matters, because that’s only aesthetics.

What matters is that I have never, not since I can remember, not as a small child, understood the concept of “male or female”. I have always thought of me and my brother as being the same. And I was asked numerous times over the last, at least, 16 years, by strangers and by people I met repeatedly, this one inane, stupid fucking question: “are you a boy or a girl?”

I will say this: I DON’T FUCKING CARE AND IT DOES NOT MATTER BECAUSE THE BINARY GENDER IS A SOCIETAL CONSTRUCT AND DOES NOT EXIST. Also, sex isn’t binary either, but I’m not gonna go into a biological discussion here, because this is about me, and not about how uneducated the world is about these things.

What matters is this: I have never felt comfortable being categorised as a woman or a girl. I don’t feel comfortable having boobs and I will have them removed/made more masculine at some point.

There are days on which I feel like throwing up whenever someone calls me girl, woman, she, her, daughter, sister or any other female thing. There are days on which I want to go scream in the woods for an hour because I feel trapped in this perception of myself that is not, has never, and will never be true.

On most days, I don’t identify with any side of the spectrum. That is what we call nonbinary. This word has been in my instagram and twitter bio and on this blog for a long time now. Some people have picked up on it and I am infinitely grateful for all of them. Some haven’t, and that’s okay.

The other thing that matters is this: I am trans. And I will explain this exactly once, and then you can go google this stuff yourself. Being trans, for me personally (the experience is different for every individual), means that I want to get Hormone Replacement Therapy and chest surgery, maybe more. Once I get my appointment with the psychiatrist, I will figure out with this person what is best for me, and I will hopefully be able to take testosterone in some form and become more of who I am, which means in my case, more masculine and less feminine.

What this DOES NOT mean, is that I want to be a man. Being trans does not negate the fact that I am nonbinary and that I do not identify with either side of the gender spectrum. I would say it is like this. If gender is a line with one end being female and the other end male, I am somewhere in the middle, but on the male side of it, and not the female.

What does this mean for YOU? Well, for one, please stop calling me woman/girl/female. Another thing that would be nice, is to just accept this. You don’t have to understand it, you don’t have to agree with it, you don’t have to like it or even support it. All you have to do is accept it and that’s all. And respect my choices, because this is my life and not yours.

For you religious/spiritual folks: No, I don’t want to hear your “BUT THE BIBLE SAYS” things. I know what the bible says, I know what my God says, and I know what I know and how I feel about it. I have been having this conversation with Yeshua for around six years now, and he has never once shown me anything but love and understanding and never once told me that this is not my way. I know what I’m doing, God knows what I’m doing, and that’s all that matters. If you try to give me your religious/spiritual insight on it and it is in any way negative towards my decision, I will shut you down, because I do not need or want to hear it. This goes for you too, Mom. Especially you.

I know this may be hard to understand, but I just can’t go on like this anymore. It will destroy me if I did. It’s already tearing me apart every single day, and I refuse to go on like this. I am tired.

A few more things:

You can still call me Andrea. I don’t mind that name. If you want, you can also call my Alex. I’ve been also called Adrian once, which I also don’t mind. Just don’t call my girl.

The pronoun thing, well, that’s difficult. In English, I do very much prefer they/them. In German, well, it’s not as easy. If you must use a pronoun, use Er/Ihm please. If anyhow possible, just don’t use pronouns. It’s possible! It might sound wrong at first, but if we want to change something in German grammar for people like me, we can’t just say “oh there is nothing we can do” and carry on how it is. We have to change things for the better.

I am open to talk more about this, because this post is just the necessary bit of it. If you would like to know more, don’t be shy. I will take the liberty to not answer certain questions though.

As for my sexuality, I still like men. If that makes me gay in your eyes, so be it. I prefer the term queer, but you know, everyone’s a bit gay, and it’s alright. (I have bible related opinions about this too, so, you know, can’t change my mind). I also think Cate Blanchett is incredibly attractive. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

You know, when I started writing this, I was still restless and felt like I was suffocating. Now? I’m good. I’m at peace somehow. Shows how much I needed to do this, doesn’t it?

Anyway, that’s all for now from my side.

Be strong out there, people. Live your truths. I’m trying to do the same.

Onward, with pride.

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching The Husbands of River Song for the first time

(When I started writing the post I messed up my typing and the title said “Watchgin the Husnabds of REierv Sogn for the fitrst time”)

-Oh dear, one episode closer to catching up to the show, and one step clser to a yet unknown source of heartbreak.

tf is this flying dish

Wait, they’re celebrating Christmas in 5343?

-Wow Jesus looks like you’ve really outdone yourself

-TARDIS

-TARDEEEEHS

Why is the music all doom-y and scary like this is something bad That is the best note ever

-HEEEEyyyyy it’s the bald guy from the Series 10 trailer!!

-He looks like he’d be a mouse or a hamster if he was an animal

“Is there anything on my head?”

-YES THERE IS

-OH GOSH

IT’S CONTAGIOUS

-I MUST RUN BEFORE RED CHRISTMAS RUDOLPH ANTLERS SPROUT UP ON MY HEAD

-well hello alien santa under the hood

-RIVEEEEEEER

-WTF

-WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAQ

-wait why is she so pissed-- OHHHHHH

-IT’S BEFORE SHE wait hold on a minute

-This is the first time she’s seeing his twelfth incarnation in-show, yes? No?

-*checks Wikipedia* Yes I’m right but...

-I think I’ll have to watch more before jumping to conclusions

-By the way, this.

A time travelling alien as old as time and also a fluffy grinning cat.

-”My husband is dying.”  Doctor: wtf is going on am i about to cross my own timestream or what

-”wtf river”

-Ah yes, flurry snow in the middle of a bajillion cogwheels, brilliant intro.

-Oh shit it’s Moffat

-Poor Twelve must be confused so much.

-River looks like she’s faking though. She’s not the kind of person who coos at people like that.

(unfortunately I could not find a stock photo of a cat looking exactly like this. pity.)

-No, seriously. Look at this cate.

-Anyway who the fuck is that guy in that disproportionately large armor, like, where in the actual sarlacc butthole did he come from

-River Song’s Drama has increased by 100!

-uhhh lemme see I think that’s a mix of Megaman, the old Transformers cartoon and ahh what’s that one videogame I swear there are videogames with people wearing hulky armor like that

-DAMN TWELVE DROPPIN IT

-I don’t even

-I don’t even know what I’m watching

-And yet there’s this lingering fear in the back of my mind that’s still scared of the text “Written by Steven Moffat”

-Wait, if she’s talking to the people in the little screens and they react accordingly to her gestures, then it means they’re watching her too, but where’s the camera?

-Doctor: “the fuck”

-”Do you recognize me?”  “No”  So the Doctor said no because of something unrelated but I swear a part of him just wanted to get back at River

-HE’S WHITE DIAMOND, GEMS HAVE GENDER, WHITE DIAMOND CONFIR-- nevermind wrong show

-”You’re talking about murdering someone!”  “No I’m not, I’m actually murdering someone.”

-”Do you know who you remind me of?”   “Yes, probably of a chap with a big-” (he means big chin, don’t get any ideas)   “My second wife!”

-The dialogue is top notch in this episode

-Oh no, it’s the robot king who doesn’t look like he can eat his enemies very efficiently and his legion of...

...sword-wielding Jawas.

-Heck, they even sound like Jawas.

-what the effing head

-”I wondered why we didn’t share a bathroom”

-Well for me it explains the nonsense body proportions

-”Decision overruled. Recommendation: Chill.”

-I love how the robot suit says “Chill”, it’s just so.. chill. It’s actually chilling out. It’s the chillest robot in robot history.

I have paused at just the right moment

They’re nerding out together

-Aw the Doctor’s laughing

-He’s having so much fun

-”I haven’t laughed in a long, long time.”  There. All the more merrier because of that.

-Oh god

-Okay how many people are River Song gonna hang around with in this episode

-”He only has twelve faces” OHHHHH BECAUSE RIVER DOESN’T KNOW THAT THE TIMELORDS GAVE HIM A NEW REGENERATION CYCLE DOES SHE

‘Little do they know the BBC wanted to continue the show for another fifty years.’

-noooo not the bald guy nuuuuu

-What a cynical robot

-DOCTOR JUST TELL HER THAT IT’S YOUR TARDIS

-Poor Doc

-”Oh yeah I’m SURE I’ll get SOOOO surprised”

-”It’s my girl.”

-The sarcasm is strong with this one.

-”Oh it’s BIGGER on the INSIDE how SURPRISING because I’ve NEVER seen one beFORE”

I’M DYING ASDGSDJSA;;

-”Wait, my Tardis had a fridge?”

-Sooooo when River was with Eleven she was the better driver (in terms of comfort; no offense to Eleven’s Timelording skills in general) but now Twelve is probably the calmest drver so far and River’s, well... not so much.

-”Of course I’m NOT getting frustrated by you doing everything wrong and trying to give you instructions because it’s CLEARLY not my Tardis how can you even SUGGEST such a thing”

-”Yes thank you I am a quick learner and NOTHING else, NOTHING like I’ve flown this Tardis countless times before”

-So if the Tardis can’t take off while someone’s both in and out, then this wouldn’t work, huh.

(From one of the Bunny Suicides books)

-”What sort of medical school did you go to?”

-A king does not unnecessarily endanger the lives of his people... Unless he is cross.

-LOGIC

-OH SHIT THAT GUY’S HEAD GOT CHOPPED OFF TOO

-”Death initiated.”

-The fuck kind of Star Wars cantina did they walk into

-”They’re still digesting their mother.”

-”--I will rip you open and devour you--”    “It’s my stomach.”

-Even the guy whose wife got eaten by his kids is going ‘wtf’

-The fuck kind of CGI was that

-”This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax.”    Oh boy, that’s gonna get on the Doctor’s nerves.

-”Why are you frowning?”   “How’d you know?”   “It’s audible.”

-”The man who gave me this was the sort of man who’d know exaclty how a long a diary you’re going to need.”  “Oh yeah that’s definitely not me”

-I SAW THAT EYEBROW RAISE, RIVER SONG, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE TIME TRAVELLER

-Annnnd River’s supposed to be paid by a Voldemort with a nose.

-WHAT THE FUCK HIS HEAD OPENS UP

-JEEZ!

-YOU HAVE A JAWBREAKER IN YOUR HEAD??!?

-OH MY FUCKING GOD EVERYONE HAS CRACKED UP HEADS

-For some reason, Credits seems to be the common term for whatever currency is used vaguely in scifi universes. They have Credits in Star Wars too!

-Whoever is playing that pale guy is going to have a royally sore throat by the end of the episode.

-”Hail Hydra”

-You should probably just give him the head...

-To be fair you crackhead guys did creep them out

-The thing.

-Did the head just run away or something, why are the Doctor and River so uneasy, do they really just don’t want to witness a brain surgery or am I missing something here

-Dang it Doctor.

-”The skyyyy shall crrrrrack”

-Well the head is there...

-what. the. fuck. is. happening.

-”At last I am whole again”  Well I wouldn’t really call it whole if your body’s a robot but...

-Okay.... that happened.

-*hastily muffled Steven Universy screeching*

-SCREW YOU CATFISH BUG MAN

-Why do his eyebrows make a squeak sound

-”A picnic at Asgard...”  MARVEL/DOCTOR WHO CROSSOVER CONFI-- nevermind

-jesus christ why is that guy so intent on reading River’s diary out loud

-’The Angels Take Manhattan’ was three seasons ago. And yes, that episode was written by Moffat too.

-”An infinite number of faces”   Well, I wouldn’t say it’s infinite per se...

-Besides, if there’s only the head left, wouldn’t that kind of hinder the regeneration, if not stop it altogether?

-Wait, since when was the robot the king and not the head?

-I don’t like the catfish bug guy with the French mustache. In fact, I am liking him less and less by the second.

-WHOA WAIT THAT ROBOT COULD STORE MULTIPLE HEADS IN IT? I THOUGHT IT JUST TOOK ONE OFF AND PUT ON ANOTHER

-Dammit River why would you want to hurt him like that HE IS RIGHT THERE  ;_;

-;_;

-*CRYING EMOJI INTENSIFIES*

-”Two hearts, stupid clothes--”  Well the latter changed a bit.

-MOFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

-DAMMIT MOFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

-HE IS RIGHT THERE

-DAMMIT MOFFAT

FUCK YOU MOFFAT

-TAKE MY HEART AND RIP IT APART SOME MORE WHY DON’T YOU

-”I’m an archaeologist from the future.  I dug you up.”

-DAMN

-”What do you think of my new body”  “I’ll let you know, I’ve only seen the face”  Okay it’s either me or Moffat that isn’t aware that this is a family show.

-She caught it in her f-cking boobs

-HER BOOBS

-FAMILY SHOW

-”FAMILY SHOW”

-”So, King Hydroflax?”  (idk how tf it’s spelled)  “I married the diamond!”  (”wE ARE THE CRYSTAL--””SHUT UP!!”)  “So you say.”  “Elizabeth the First.”  “Ramone.”  “Marilyn Monroe!”  “Stephen Fry!”  “Cleopatra!”  “Same thing!”

-IF YOU HAVEN’T GUESSED ALREADY, I’M DYING

Glowing cables.

-”Crashing spaceships, that’s my job.”  I feel like I should write a sentence that rhymes with this, but unfortunately I can’t.

-OH THE TOP PART OF HIS SCREWDRIVER ROTATES

-”I’ve been doing it longer!”  “I do it better!”  Like how you drive the Tardis, for example.  (I can also see the above dialogue used in a very, very, wrong, scenario, but I’ll just keep quiet and hope that it wasn’t Moffat’s intention.)

-river u ok?

-k

Looks like one of those audio equipment machines.

-Reminds me of the ‘Profit’ memes.

-1. Crash ship  2. Look outside  3. FIRE  4. Nope the fuck outta there and travel forward in time  5. ??  6. Profit

-1. Visit some yet-to-be tour spot  2. Give money to a random guy and tell him to set up a restaurant  3. Travel forward in time  4. ???  5. Profit

-River why aren’t you closing the Tardis door

-THE GOD DAMN BOT

-Oh look Nardole’s alive too

-”Now that, my dear, is a suit.”  Gotta agree.

HOLE-LEE SHEE-EHT

-THAT’S THE SCREWDRIVER FROM ‘SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY’

-THAT WAS SEASON FOUR

-MOFFAT

-YOU’VE CONSTRUCTED A PLOT STRING THAT SPANS FIVE SEASONS YOU BIG ASSHOLE GENIUS SPIDER

(Screencap of webpage http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/30-9.htm)

-HOLY FLUKES HOW DARE YOU

-”Are you crying?”

-i-- yes yes i am  blame moffat not me

-”There are stories about us, you know.”  “Oh, I dread to think.”  Been looking around AO3, have you River?

-m o f f a t   y o u   m o t h e r f u c k e r

-asdflsdhglljfhslhHSAHG

-ASJDAFLHGLASDJHGFALSDF

-sglsdhgflWEGyglhsghsgFLH;;1 LDG lJHGJLHAGLJhglhgljhglhHS DFHS5134 GLHFGLSDHFGh 454123gshdHFJHgjGSJDFL

-$^B&C%TB#%*&#BWKUWURH#$VB&*#B*:#V:B&*$&*B#&VBBBEYBYEBYFF

Moffat you deceitful fuck, I won’t trust you until the very end

-But thank you for sparing us from saying goodbye to her face

You forgot to say ‘forever’

-Please just let them stay together happily for those 24 years

HA I spelled it right

-Overall one of the best Christmas specials in my personal opinion, and top-notch acting by Capaldi. Really, top, notch.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

How I would fix Venom

This continues on from my last post about Venom vol 4 #10

The way I see it there are currently ¾ dominant backstories for Venom Marvel treats as canon (even if they shouldn’t).

Lethal Protector

Dark Origins from 2008

The way things played out in ASM #300 and other older stories in contradiction of Dark Origins (Dark Origins contains a lot of original material hence I said ¾)

And now Cates’ origin which has stated various details from Brock’s past actually didn’t happen.

And they do NOT jive together, along with Eddie’s various personality shifts over the years.

But what if…they were all true..what if there was a reason for all the contradictions?

This is not a very Spider-Man story, but it is a more cosmic story and the symbiotes are after all aliens.

What if some cosmic hiccup led to different AU versions of Eddie Brock’s life converging and overlapping.

Eddie Brock and the Venom symbiote essentially exists in all these different universes including Earth 616 simultaneously but his memories, personality and past spontaneously change and convulse sometimes becoming identical to one versions’ other times another and yet other times a mad combination of all them. This process would be exacerbated by Brock’s mental problems in almost all his lives and the symbiote’s effect upon him.

One man but many lives in one. Almost like his life is as malleable and changeable as the symbiote’s.

However after the Final Incursion and the remaking of the Multiverse. These versions were separated out.

But they weren’t necessarily put back in their proper place.

Whilst each version of Venom has accurate recollections of their past (barring other factors affecting it, like the symbiote altering his perceptions)

For instance Eddie’s father as seen in Cates’ run might not be the one native to Earth 616 and his sister Mary may well have existed on Earth 616 but all records about her might have not been recreated after-SW.

Or maybe not.

Maybe Cates’ version of Venom truly IS the 616 version and all those elements it contradicts (Mary’s existence, Brock really having cancer, etc) were things that were actually from AUs that have now been exorcised.

Regardless Cates Venom is the Venom/Eddie Brock we now have in the 616 universe and he’s a sympathetic anti-hero.

Oh…but there is also another Venom!

This version of Eddie Brock hasn’t got the modern haircut or beard of Cates’ Venom, he’s got the Marine buzzcut and weightlifter look of the 1980s Venom.

Although all the Venom stories prior to Cates’ run occurred as we saw them on the page, this Brock’s backstory prior and in between all that stuff played out in a way that combined certain elements of Venom Dark Origin and Uncanny Origins #7 (read: all the ways that didn’t contradict any of the Michelinie era ASM Venom stories).

The only exceptions would be flashback stories Michelinie did in the 1990s designed to make Brock seem more sympathetic and more of an anti-hero. For example Venom’s first kill, that truck stop story that occurred en route to his second fight with Spider-Man, ASM #375 and 388 and Lethal Protector #3. For this Venom those stories might still have happened but not quite the same. I’m specifically thinking his housekeeper’s account of his backstory in LP #3 might for this Brock be wholly untrue, something that she herself dreamed up because she is old and senile.

Furthermore for this Brock when he battled Spider-Man for the second time the brief point in time when the symbiote was bonded to both him and Peter simultaneously caused both of them to see into one another’s minds and create a psychic rapport of sorts.

For Peter this meant that Venom’s murderous intent for him was felt on a visceral level leading Peter to experience an instinctive desire to run and escape, increasing how much he’d otherwise fear Venom.

For Brock exposure to Peter’s heroic mind, given his own religious upbringing, deluded belief he was a crusader of justice and over all fragile mind left Brock feeling compelled to act in an over all more heroic manner. This is why after the second Venom story he gradually began acting more and more anti-heroic.

This psychic rapport weakened over time, so Venom went back to being villainous and Peter went back to being less afraid of Venom. However the rapport was still there so when Brock’s fear of dying from cancer and desire to live by rebonding with the symbiote reached it’s height it caused Peter to instinctively react by forcing Brock and the symbiote back together.

Brock’s fragile mind combined with the psychic rapport and continual unhealthy exposure to symbiotes made his mind a mess. He would sporadically be inclined towards a form of heroism (anti-Venom, Toxin during Conway’s run) or villainy (Toxin during Agent Venom).

However now his mind has been ‘purged’. Which is to say he no longer has Spider-Man in his head anymore so his personality is more consistent.

Over all the backstory for this version of Brock would serve the purposes of:

Reconciling a lot of contradictory continuity

Removing continuity that painted Brock as a sympathetic anti-hero

Ensuring those removals and reconciliations make it clear this Brock in truth is a selfish, hypocritical, delusional psychotic killer at heart incapable of accepting personal responsibility.

And THIS would be the Eddie Brock who appears sporadically in Spider-Man stories as a villain.

He and Cates’ solo-series anti-hero Venom co-exist with distinctly different personalities and backstories any one of which may or may not be indigenous to Earth 616.

Two Brocks built for 2 different purposes.

As for how we differentiate them, simple.

One looks like Todd McFarlane’s Venom with the big creepy grin and the other looks like Mark Bagley’s/Erik Larsen’s Venom with those huge teeth and slobbering tongue.

Neither are sure which one of them really comes from Earth 616, neither one much cares. They agree to stay away from one another since contact with one another would destroy them and so Cates’ Venom entrusts Spider-Man to deal with the evil Brock.

Now we can go off and have character developing solo stories with Cates new revised anti-hero Venom and Spider-Man gets his numero uno bad guy back.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

"“Post-Infestation Affective Blunting Syndrome,” Dad was saying in the other room. “By far the most noticeable symptom is the flat affect—the relative lack of emotional expression—which can create the illusion that the person is genuinely not emotional, but usually that is not the case. I know that it appears Joey isn’t responding to you, but that is an adaptive response for him right now. It is a normal, healthy neurological reaction to the sort of stress...”"

DVD commentary: Is my inner Psych student showing?  Pretty sure my inner Psych student is showing throughout THX 1138.  

Seriously, though, being a huge Psychology nerd made me fascinated by the idea of how the field would respond to the discovery of yeerk infestation.  I may or may not have gone up to multiple Psych friends at multiple parties and started conversations with “You just found out that aliens which can more-or-less demonically possess people exist, and have existed for years.  What are the implications for our conception of selfhood?”  Being as it is that most nerds are also geeks, I got plenty of surprisingly good answers to that question—credit for the realization that the symptoms best parallel catatonic schizophrenia goes to a counseling peer.  I also miiiiight have written an entire DSM-IV-TR entry for “Post-Infestation Affective Blunting Syndrome.”  Because I’m a dork.

However, if you actually think about it, yeerks would probably have a big impact on the DSM-IV-TR, which was coincidentally released right around the same time this fic is set.  Psychology is eternally descriptive rather than prescriptive (although you’d never know that from watching Hollywood depictions) and as soon as a new pattern of distress or maladjustment starts emerging, psychologists start running around trying to figure out how to alleviate it.  The specific name is my attempt to imitate the real naming conventions of the DSM: “Post-Infestation” is a pretty parsimonious way of describing the fact that (unlike most things) the distress has a known origin, “Affective Blunting” is the technical term for a lack of emotional expression that isn’t underpinned by a lack of actual emotion, and “Syndrome” refers to the fact that it’s a loose collection of observable symptoms whose long-term development and course aren’t well-known.  (Like most people, I have A Lot Of Feelings on the inadequacies of the disease model of mental disorders, but *emphatic sigh* for now “syndrome” and “disorder” are the generally agreed-upon terms.)

Of course, the “affective blunting” would be just the most obvious manifestation of the experience that gets problematically shorthanded into “zombieism” throughout my series.  The difficulty of executing willful bodily motions comes partially from my own speculation about the effect of cognition and behavior being dissociated on natural neuroplasticity (basically what Steve explains with synaptic pruning going into overdrive if one isn’t using one’s body) and partially from the sparse descriptions of ex-hosts we get from canon.  Chapman and Eva are both unable to walk on their own or speak normally in the first several minutes after regaining control of their bodies, and a future in which the yeerks have had control for years is shown as one in which caged hosts are slumped over in apparent apathy rather than calling for help or fighting back (#7, #41).

However, as I wanted Steve to emphasize in that passage, PRETTY MUCH ALL MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE SITUATIONALLY ADAPTIVE.  The simple fact is that depression is an adaptive response loss of situational control, anxiety is an adaptive response to situations in which threats are both common and ambiguous, rituals are reasonably-adaptive responses to executive control problems, psychosis is a reasonably-adaptive response to perceiving the world as full of patterns and accepting all sensory stimuli, and that most symptoms are pretty good at getting people through acute Bad Shit and only later causing chronic Bad Shit once the immediate threat is gone.  That fact is important because we need to cut down on the stigma against mental illness, but it’s also important because it (we hope) potentially holds a lot of the keys to trying to help people dismantle some of that distress and maladaptation.  

I really try my best to apply that “everything has survival value, yes even things that hurt you” principle when writing about the ex-hosts and Post-Infestation… (PIABS?  Let’s call it PIABS.)  There are several moments with Tom (and, I hint, Bonnie) experiencing partial or complete dissociation, because dissociation does a decent job of mentally removing an individual from a situation that the individual cannot physically move away from.  I have some of the hosts display repetitive motions (Tom folding and unfolding his right hand, Eva spinning her bracelets, the lawyer from #23 and his finger-twitch) that are meant to be a little like rituals and a little like stimming, because both of those are repetitive motions that soothe an individual and—in this case—help to serve as reminders that one is in control of one’s own body.  Even learned helplessness (i.e. sitting still and literally not moving even to blink for hours on end) would probably be adaptive under circumstances where fighting back could only get you hurt by the yeerk.  It was also one of my personal principles to name the syndrome at all, because (and Cates was the one who pointed it out to me, but now I can’t unsee it) there are waaaaaay too many works of [fan] fiction out there that describe entire disorders (PTSD, GAD) or specific symptoms (panic attacks, flashbacks) without ever using the specific name, as if trying to have it both ways: to explore the issue without really exploring the issue through playing coy with a stigmatized topic.

On the subject of which, I felt I couldn’t show the hosts having invisible disability without showing stigma as well, because there are (in all of human history) very few instances of disability or disorder without stigma.  Le sigh.  Humans suck.  There’s this natural human tendency to go “you don’t look like you’re suffering, so you must not be suffering” that comes up in everything from conflating depression with sadness to denying assault survivors’ experiences if they don’t act in ways that align with people’s (usually Hollywood-based) ideas about what trauma looks like.  So I have to imagine that it would be hard for people who never experienced infestation firsthand to wrap their heads around the reality of it, and the fact that distress in ex-hosts often manifests as sitting there (apparently) calmly and not reacting to the situation.  Ergo, side characters like the angry mom in this scene who… just don’t get it.  And do a lot of harm with the best intentions in the world, thanks to their Not Getting of It.  Ergo, the need for ex-hosts to spend time around each other in order to support each other (i.e. the entire plot of Eleutherophobia).

And god I hope I’m being respectful about this.  I don’t know if I’m doing this right, I’m just trying my best from what little I know.  This series is just the best I can do to try and explore realistic complications of the Animorphs war.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Could you do 1 or 54, please?

#1

Short opinion: Anyone who says that this series became dark over time has clearly not reread the first book in a while.

Long opinion:

While it is true that there are lighter books (#14, #35, #44, #51) and there are darker books (#6, #22, #30, #33, #52) I’m not convinced that the series gets darker as it goes.  Sure, the kids become more violent, more competent, and more morally compromised.  Yes, the yeerks gradually win the war all the way up through #52 at which point they start losing.  No, the protagonists do not grow as people over the course of the story so much as they fall apart as people over the course of the story.  However, right from the start K.A. Applegate makes no bones about the fact that this is a war, one in which there will be no nice neat simple answers, so you’d better strap in, kids, because these depictions of trauma are not for the faint of heart.  

This book is about its protagonists fighting a major battle which they lose. It contains a scene with Marco extracting a promise from Jake that Jake will kill him before letting him become a controller.  It heavily implies that Cassie is the first person on the team to become a murderer, because she doesn’t have another way to stop the controller-cop from telling the other yeerks she was morphing.  It features a battle in which the “good guys” suffer casualties (Tobias is trapped in morph; several human hosts get killed) while also accomplishing almost nothing to advance the war effort (they free one human? Maybe?), giving us the sense that Marco was probably right that they should have stayed home.  It lovingly describes pieces of Elfangor’s body falling from Visser Three’s jaws so that the hungry taxxons below can devour them.  

The series also doesn’t magically become lighter from there.  The arc of #2 hinges on the horrifying realization that, as awful as Melissa Chapman’s life has become living with neglectful and emotionally abusive parents, the alternative is infinitely worse because those same parents are allowing their conscious willpower to be destroyed in order to shield her from slavery.  #3 builds up to and then graphically describes a scene in which its narrator attempts to commit suicide.  Although #4 is lighter overall, it explores the impact Marco’s death would have on everyone from Peter to Cassie.  #5 has The Scene With The Ants.  So on and so forth.  But that’s what makes this series so freaking good: it is always horrifying, it’s always funny, it’s always heartwarming, it’s always tense, and it always features a clever balance of plot and character driving one another forward.  K.A. Applegate is a grand master wizard when it comes to emotional flow, one who does far better than most series writers I’ve ever encountered (JKR, Cornelia Funke, Jonathan Stroud, JRRT, Jeff Lindsay: take notes) at imbuing her tragedy with comedy and her comedy with tragedy without ever mocking her characters’ real pain or overdramatizing her more ridiculous plots.  

Anyway, this book doesn’t spend any time at all messing around before it launches the characters on their adventure.  The narration fulfills the promise on the back of the book (“everyone is in really big trouble.  Yeah, even you.”) right from the start by giving us enough details to make the Animorphs’ hometown vivid and individuated while also making it feel like Anywheresville, USA.  Jake’s got the most “typical” (according to fiction, anyway) life of anyone on the team: married parents, golden retriever, one sibling, big suburban house, home computer, swingset in the backyard.  And it turns out that not only are there aliens invading, there are aliens that have already invaded his house.  Jake’s been surrounded on all sides by the war for weeks if not months, and he was just pleasantly clueless enough to avoid realizing that fact until Elfangor came along and woke that boy up.  Of course Jake’s apple-pie life is the exception not the rule on this team, but the fact remains that he’s the “everyman” on the team… and he’s also under the most immediate threat of infestation.  Jake punches Marco in the head for implying that Tom’s a controller (as Cates mentioned, Jake’s a heck of a lot less practical about the whole aliens-have-your-family bit than Marco is) and we can’t even necessarily blame him—he has the most to lose in this war of anyone on the team.  The call knows where he lives; he doesn’t even have the option of refusal.

The plot wastes no time at all in having the kids encounter an alien and end up on the run for their lives, but also gives us tons of characterization along the way.  Rachel thinks Jake’s an idiot for thinking he can protect her and Cassie from anything, but agrees to walk home with him and Marco so that Cassie can have a chance to talk to him.  Jake really is kind of an idiot, since he’s apparently in the habit of climbing abandoned construction equipment in his spare time.  Marco’s a fairly brilliant video game player and all-around more mature than Jake, not that you’d know it from all his irreverent jokes throughout this plot.  Jake is adorably baffled by Rachel’s response to Tobias, because he thinks of his cousin as the kind of person who eats men for breakfast and totally fails to consider that maybe she’s got a crush like any other teenager on the planet.  Tobias goes from “it’s a flying saucer” to “we find the yeerk pool, and when we do we blow it up and kill every one of those evil slugs” in about .03 seconds flat, and to some extent drags everyone else (especially Marco) into the war kicking and screaming.  Cassie’s more than a little starry-eyed at the idea of becoming a horse, and in some ways she’s almost as naive as Jake about where this war is going.  (Marco, by contrast, figures it out a lot faster: “You sure this is just the yeerk pool?… I see a guy with horns and a pitchfork and I’m outta here.”)  

Given the immediacy and scale of the acute tension here—the planet is being taken over by parasitic aliens!—the chronic tension seems sort of silly.  Jake didn’t make the basketball team, boo-hoo.  However, he only wanted to make the basketball team so badly because he was hoping it would make Tom want to hang out with him again.  Because Tom’s been acting distant toward his whole family recently, to the point where Jake’s parents are mildly concerned.  Because Tom’s been wrapped up with this new organization, The Sharing.  Because The Sharing seems to have some really strange effects on its “full members”… Because the planet is being taken over by parasitic aliens.  I love the subtlety with which everything in Jake’s life comes around.  The war has already started reshaping his school, his town, his family, and his whole life, well before he starts turning into animals and killing aliens.  This book is scary, because not only is the invasion moving quickly but also because the Animorphs’ early attempts to fight back are like spitting on a forest fire.  Anyone could be a controller.  None of the other Animorphs know for sure about their own families until #49.  These kids can’t even ask their own families and friends for help.  

As scary as this book is, it still has room for a lot of wonder.  Cassie compares them to ancient warriors tapping mystical animal spirits for help in protecting the Earth.  Tobias reacts like every one of us sci fi fans would to finding out that aliens exist.  Jake insists that there’s hope for the planet no matter what just as long as the andalites are out there.  Right from the moment the Animorphs lose their first battle, both on a personal scale (they don’t save Tom, and lose Tobias) and on a cosmic one (they find out that Visser Three is a lot better at morphing than they are) this series sends the message: buckle up, because it’s going to be a hell of a ride.  But as scary as it’s going to be, there’s still space for Marco’s awful driving, Cassie’s wondering fascination with dolphins and horses, Tobias’s crazy eagerness to embrace the bizarre, Rachel’s joyful exploration of her inner elephant, and Jake’s heartbreaking willingness to walk into hell in order to try and protect his big brother.