#Can Cat Pee Kill You All Time Best Ideas

[mushroomates]

legolas headcanons:

is, by all accounts, the worlds most awkward elf

most of the fellowship doesn’t even realize how weird he is

thranduil did not socialize his boy well. legolas is not aloof he just has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing.

will walk very slowly with exaggerated movements around hobbits because he thinks they won’t see him otherwise.

the hobbits thinks this is elf custom. frodo theorizes this is because elves want to rest their eyes and ears when they’re at home, so other elves like to announce themselves so no one gets spooked.

this is aided by the fact that legolas loudly announces his presence whenever he enters the room, just incase you missed it.

this conclusion is false. legolas will approach other elves by charging at them, full speed. alternatively, shooting an arrow in their vicinity for a vibe check.

he also likes shooting at people to wake them up and/or scare them

legolas likes that it’s a gentle reminder to his companions that he could kill them at any time and they should be honored that he doesn’t.

aragorn has options about this. legolas tells him that he should be grateful that such a skilled elf is on his side and cares for him. aragorn maintains that if legolas really cared, the elf would stop waking him up with ‘good morning’ shots. he also would like to note that legolas’s loud singing is only slightly better than an arrow flying at you first thing in the morning:.

legolas tries to make friends by staring at them from afar and when they look at him he looks away. like a cat. he will also blink at u as if to say “look! i like you! i’m closing my eyes!!!” again, like a cat.

will bring you small gifts to curry favor, also like a cat. interesting rocks and pretty feathers, samples of dirt, fallen leaves in different shapes and colors, and whatever flowers are near by and catch his eye. gets very upset if you don’t marvel at them for the appropriate amount of time.

will eat bites off of your plate. this is a form of endearment. he’s showing he trusts you and likes you. he’s also showing his inability to cook and hopes you’ll take pity on him by sharing your food.

sometimes will intentionally walk loudly around the camp if he’s bored, angry, or lonely so he can wake aragorn up and they can be awake together :)

likes to sing, loudly, at inappropriate times

no one in the fellowship has seen him piss. some of the hobbits are under the impression that elves don’t pee. aragorn and gandalf do not correct them.

up at the asscrack of dawn. this is annoying, because he’s chipper, looks amazing, and is a tad judgmental that you aren’t as well.

captain obvious as well as worlds most unhelpful elf ever. will point out your mistake, claim to know how to fix it and half the time not offer the solution or his assistance.

cannot do laundry. he doesn’t even get dirty enough to consider it, and with how little people in middle earth wash their clothes anyway, none of his clothes have been cleaned for easily centuries.

is very confused by dogs. doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do with them. they’re always so happy and want (physical???) attention and,, it’s not a one and done thing either. you’re supposed to keep petting them? after you already pet them.

they’re like wolves, but smaller and maybe stupider. they also stink. boromir has explained to him many times that dogs are man’s best friend and are beautiful creatures. this worries legolas, because that means either dogs are more evolved than they let on,, or men are significantly further behind than elves than he first thought..

can not play the harp. is upset by this fact.

never really bothered to learn how to harp, either.

he believes he should be able to play the harp regardless because the harp is just a big bow with many strings. this is, in fact, false.

will eat anything. mushrooms and questionable berries mean nothing to him.

this upsets aragorn as he believes legolas is setting a bad example for the hobbits, dispite hobbits having the most durable digestive systems. (note: elves can eat almost anything, but hobbits have the stomach of a labrador retriever. they are always hungry, can can eat anything, even what they’re not supposed to)

DID set a bad example for boromir, who mistakingly ate some of the berries legolas offered him and had the shits for weeks.

is like 90% sure who frodo is. it’s definitely one of the hobbits. it’s probably not the one with the pony.

is faceblind. he can’t recognize other people’s faces for the life of him. if you asked him to pick out aragorn in a sea of humans, he’d panic dispite knowing the man for 50+ years.

this also goes for all races, including dwarves. gimli thought he might just be racist and covering his ass, but then watched him stall for like 30 minutes making small talk with some lorien elves and try (and fail) to pick celeborn out of the crowd.

does know what galadriel and thranduil look like. has a hard time pointing out elrond.

will forget your name almost immediately after you tell him. guys like 3k old and has met a lot of people give him a break

to be fair he does know who you are and what you sound/look like. defining features like voice and hair help a lot. it’s just if you were to give him a book of cropped faces and ask him to name, just one,,, he’d panic and throw it at you.

feels robbed of the golden ages,, resents the fact that the world he knows is drastically different that the world he could have been. wishes there were more elves his age and just more elves in general.

that being said he wouldn’t change this for anything as the world he’s in gave him the friends he’s made and the adventure of a life time :)

he doesn’t wash his hands. like ever or at all.

[wheelin-after-midnight]

13.

Does bad grammar bother you?

As long as I can make out what that person is trying to say, it doesn't bother me in the least. Unless someone is asking me to check their grammar or read over something for them, I won't even mention it. I think it's really rude to insult people over grammatical errors or their command of a particular language. Especially if it's not within a context where things like that are genuinely important. Even then, you don't have to be a dick about it. Some people are disabled and use assistive devices to write or communicate, some people are elderly, some have serious injuries, not everyone has the same mother tongue, some people are multilingual and use multiple languages all the time and make mistakes. You just have no idea. There are much bigger problems in this world to focus on. As long as that person is trying, it's usually not that big of a deal.

Do you save your shoe boxes or any other box?

I don't save shoe boxes, but if I buy something new that was packaged in a box I will keep it for a while in case I have to return the thing or make use of a warranty. I also put a lot of things I wanted to keep away from Nippy in boxes I kept away in the pantry cupboard when she was smaller.

What's the craziest rumor you've ever heard about yourself?

It wasn't crazy, but "she's bi" (I'm not, I'm gay as hell...but I identified as such for a while when I was trying to figure stuff out) got spread around before I was actually out. PSA: this sucks. Don't do this shit. No matter how harmless you think you're being, you don't have any idea the kind of personal or home situations that person is dealing with or coming from. You are potentially making it very hard and very unsafe for someone else. All that aside, it's not another person's business to out anyone. It's that person's journey and they have every right to go at the pace they want, if they want, telling or not telling whomever. The end.

How many sweatshirts would you guess that you own?

Maybe like, 12.

Are you a fan of Taylor Swift?

I'm not. She's my best friend's absolute favourite though, so I'm familiar with quite a bit of her music and I don't mind a few songs. I'm just the supportive sidekick along for the ride when it comes to my friends' passions. I'll learn the songs, sing and bop along, listen to you talk about the discography, hype it up and ask questions even if it's not my favorite, because that's what good friendship and genuine support should be about. I love seeing the light in someone's eyes when they get excited about things they love that make them really happy and bring them joy. I know what it feels like to have that snuffed out just because someone hates you, is very self important, genuinely nasty or just for no good reason at all. If you love and care about someone it's not just about you and what you like or how that relationship can be of benefit to you. It's what you can give, too. I also just like learning things or being exposed to things I'm not usually or wouldn't choose for myself. It's not gonna kill me to go on a road trip and belt out some Taylor Swift.

What's the coolest name you've ever heard someone have?

There's a few. My friend's sister named her son Asher and I loved that name. It's not one you hear often around here.

What's your least favorite genre of music and why?

I don't really have a least favourite. I'm a pretty musical person and I love almost all music, generally. I just have genres I don't listen to near as much as others or ones I fall off listening to or whatever for a while. I don't listen to a ton of heavy metal.

If you wear make up, what's some good brands you'd recommend someone with very pale skin?

I'm not the person to ask for brand recommendations. I almost never wear makeup.

Do you usually complain a lot when you first wake up?

If Nippy sneaks under my blanket and bites my toes and feet, yes, lmao.

What did you last complain about?

That I had to pee really bad. This frickin punk cat was like "hello mama. Dis the purrrfect time to sit RIGHT in front of your wheelchair so you can't MOVE." I was legit arguing with her for like, ten minutes. It was a full on conversation. She was back talking me and everything. (she's an extremely vocal cat) Every time I tried to get her to move she'd move about half an inch away from my wheel and then look at me like, "that good?!" I finally broke out her full name and she moved for real, but omg. I thought I was gonna pee my pants. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

What's something you're thankful for?

My girlfriend. My cat. Music. I would say this apartment, but I'm not gonna have it for too much longer. :(

What era had the best music/movies?

Oooh man. I honestly love music and movies from the 40s and 50s to today, so this is hard. I'm gonna go with 80s, though. So much of 80s music was bangin' and I can think of quite a few movies I loved from then off the top of my head.

Did you ever like nursery rhymes as a child? What was your favorite?

I didn't hate them, but I don't recall having a favourite.

What do you usually purchase at gas stations? (aside from gas of course)

I'm never really even at gas stations, but occasionally I'll get coffee or snacks or someone might bring those here. I did get gas station pizza once when I was having a golden girls marathon and wine night and it actually wasn't bad pizza at all. I wouldn't typically choose to get that from a gas station, though.

Do you drink regular or diet soda?

I used to drink diet soda all the time. I don't know how I drank so much of it because if I even taste it now I usually think it's vile. I don't drink soda anywhere near as much now, so I'll drink regular when I want some.

What's one of your favorite artists/bands, and least favorite song from them?

I love so many artists and bands. I could go on for pages and pages about this, but Whitney Houston is my favourite vocalist of all time. Let me preface the second part of this question by saying that least favorite song by Whitney does not - by any metric - mean bad song. That woman could sang any damn thing, any day of the week, backwards, forwards, upside down and sideways. I don't think there are any songs of hers that I genuinely hate, but I do skip Greatest Love of All quite often. I know it's a lot of people's favourite, it was one of her favourites of her own catalogue, if I'm not mistaken. I just don't particularly play it that often. I have to be in a certain mood, idk.

Have you ever seen them live?

No. I was an adult when she passed away but I never had the chance to. I'll forever be salty about it. I did see the theatre showing of the remastered Durban, South Africa concert though, which was great. So that's something.

Do you go on walks regularly?

I physically can't walk, but if someone asked me to accompany them on a walk, I would, depending who it was.

Do very sociable people aggravate you or more shy people?

Sociable people don't aggravate me at all. I love when people actually engage me in conversation and look me in the eyes when talking to me and don't use disability as an excuse to treat me like a leper or talk to me disrespectfully or like I'm stupid or mentally disabled also. I'm pretty shy and reserved and quiet, so if I'm around people like that it might take a bit for me to warm up. I try to make other people feel comfortable though, if I see that they're like me and struggling or sitting alone.

Are you registered to vote?

I absolutely am.

Do you consider graffiti to be true art or just messy?

It's absolutely art. Art is open to interpretation. I'll die on this hill.

Describe something odd that you own.

Nippy! Hahahahaha. She's a very smart cat, I love her with my whole heart, but my god she's weird. She often acts more dog than cat like. The things she does just make me laugh so much every single day. I was originally supposed to take a different cat, but that didn't pan out. I questioned my decision at first and wondered if I was a good enough pet parent or if I could handle it because she's so high energy and absolutely fucking nuts almost all the time even now at almost a year and a half old. But I would absolutely die if anything happened to her at this point. She's saved me from so much grief and loss and I'm so glad I stuck things out and established a bond and routine together. I definitely made the right choice and I'm really glad I picked one with so much personality.

What last overwhelmed you?

Thinking about how much time I have left until I have to move. It makes me feel so anxious and so sick. All the time. I'm really worried about how it's all gonna turn out and if it doesn't go well, I'm stuck there. Makes me wanna die. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with no other options and I hate it.

Do you wear a lot of pink?

Some, at times. I wouldn't say a lot.

Do you currently have a fan on?

No.

Do you take a lot of pictures?

I take a fuck ton of pictures of my cat. My devices keep telling me I need to delete stuff or add more storage. I'm not deleting anything. I want to keep every memory of her. I know she's not gonna be with me forever and I'll probably outlive her and that thought just breaks me and makes it impossible to get rid of anything.

Do you like the name Aidan?

I do.

What is the first thing you said when you woke up this morning?

"Listen here, you fluffy little freak! My toes are not food! Do I grab your paws and take your claws in my teeth to wake you up? No. So let's not. Thank you!"

What's your McDonald's order?

I don't have a usual order. Last time I got something from there it was a double quarter pounder with cheese combo and a drink.

When did you last have a donut?

I'm not sure, tbh.

What's the longest word you know that you can accurately spell?

Antidisestablishmentarianism.<<< yoooo same! This is always my answer for questions like this.

Do you live in a city with more than 100,000 people?

Lmfao, no. I live in a place that's barely even a town and has a population under 400.

Does your name begin with B, L, M, T, or H?

No.

What do you do when you can't fall asleep?

Put the tv on, listen to music in my headphones, play a game on my tablet, talk to my girlfriend as she's usually always up late.

What did you last watch on TV?

I rented It Ends With Us on Prime and thank god it was on sale for very cheap and not full rental price, because I hated it. I thought it was terrible. I still can't really fully articulate why. Just really rubbed me the wrong way.

Do you know anyone who keeps a Christmas tree up year round?

I did this til like, May, once. A long time ago. But no I don't know anyone and I wouldn't do this now.

Who were you last in a vehicle with?

My mum and mum's husband.

What's the strangest video you've ever seen?

The stuff my brother sends me! Some of it is funny and makes me laugh, a lot of it I'm like... How do you even find this shit? Lmfao.

What country are you from and which country would you not mind residing in?

I'm Canadian. It wouldn't be feasible for me to live anywhere else for a lot of reasons even if I wanted to, but I've always wanted to visit South Africa. It's at the top of the list of places I'd choose to go first, if I could travel more.

What's something you care strongly for?

I love my cat more than anything. She's my child. I deeply care for my friends, how I can be the best version of a friend to each of them. I love my girlfriend with my whole heart and fall more in love with her all the time. I care about her needs and her feelings and how I can be the best, most supportive partner. I care about music and theatre and art, things that allow others to express themselves, make the world better, and bring people joy. I often have to remind myself that there is still good in the world through all the mess and darkness we're so inundated with. It's so much bigger than just my corner of it.

What goes best with dessert, coffee or milk?

I only drink white milk if I add protein powder and make like a meal replacement shake. It's often the only thing I can keep down during migraine episodes when I can't eat. Coffee is definitely my choice to go with dessert or sweet things.

If Kirby absorbed you, what power would they get?

Hmmm.

Who has better coffee, Dunkin or Starbucks or maybe somewhere else?

I've never had Dunkin. I love Starbucks, but it's expensive and I don't go there often. I love McDonald's coffee.

What's your go-to appetizer?

I love fruit trays with cream cheese dip, mini pieces of naan with siesta dip, chips with sour cream with shredded cheese on top, spinach dip, Buffalo chicken potato skins, loaded nachos.

Have you ever received a present that made you cry?

Oh, absolutely. I definitely cried when babe and I gave each other the rings our mum/Nan gave us that we wore all the time the first time we were together. There are others from other people, but that one sticks out and probably will always.

Would you rather read a history novel or fiction?

I would read whatever really, if subject matter held my interest.

What's something you are addicted to?

Mint Oreos. Hoooly fuck I love those things. Now I think all the other Oreos suck. I don't eat them often though because the store closest to me often doesn't stock them.

Do you know what time you were born?

No.

Don't you hate when you jerk yourself awake while falling asleep?

Ugh yes! The worst.

Nobody is perfect. Who do you think is close to perfect though?

She will say that she's not - and technically she isn't, I guess, cause no one is. We've had our problems and even broken up before, but I think my girlfriend is the closet thing to perfect that I could or will experience. Sometimes I'm just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling and she'll randomly call or message me, or something will just remind me of her or one of our conversations or something, and I'm just like, goddamn, that's my baby. What the fuck? What do you mean we found our way back to each other and she apologized and took accountability and proves herself to me every day and doesn't want to be without me? She survived her medical scare and didn't die and came back to me? I get to tell her I love her every night before we fall asleep and every day when we wake up and didn't have to say goodbye? Permanently? It's possible to be loved correctly after so much trauma? Is this real life? What? What is happening? Ahh.

Okay, my bad. I'll shut up now. Lmfao.

Do you know of any haunted buildings in your town?

No.

Do you think too much about your past or future?

Yes and yes. Send help. Lmfao. :/

Is anyone on your bad side lately?

A little bit.

What's the most random song on your playlist that people wouldn't expect?

I have a fair bit of Maria Callas, actually. Not a lot of people listen to her that I know.

Do you wish Bzoink would let you put music on your profile?

RIP Bzoink. You were the OG.

When did you last receive a business card from somebody?

I'm not sure.

What makes you want to take a survey?

Idk I just take them when I want to and have some time. I skim them to see if it seems like one I've taken already.

What song did you last hum or sing along to?

Seriously singing it was Grapevyne by Brownstone. Fucking around singing it was Wobble by V. I. C.

What TV streaming service do you use the most?

Netflix or Disney Plus, probably.

Would you try that flaming hot mountain dew? isn't that so wild?

That sounds nasty. I don't like mountain dew to begin with.

What's something strange that you enjoyed when you tried it?

Putting mayonnaise on hot dogs.

Do you own any adult coloring books?

Yes.

What did you last draw or write down?

I don't remember.

Do you always smile in pictures or what is your go-to pose for pictures?

I don't have a go to pose, but I don't always smile.

What's a topic you love discussing with others? share something with me about it (:

Idk I just love talking with people who don't shit on my passions or interests and engage me about them because I don't experience that much. I love jamming with other people who can sing or people who can play instruments, I love talking about music with people who really love music. I love talking to my friends about any adventures we've had or trying to plan other ones. I love talking about all the funny things my cat does and showing all the tricks I've taught her. I love deep talks with empathetic, gentle, understanding people. I love hearing other people's stories and when they trust me with things that they've been through or are really important to them. It means a lot to me.

Would you say that you're an outdoorsy type person?

I love summer, but otherwise I'm not super outdoorsy, no.

In your opinion, appearance aside, what makes someone beautiful and ugly?

Their values, their passions, how they listen, how they treat and interact with others, especially those who are more vulnerable or less fortunate than they are.

What's the craziest hairstyle you've ever had or would have?

I've shaved the side of my head once, then completely shaved my head twice.

Do you use matches or lighters more?

Neither.

Have you ever played pinball on a machine or just online?

Neither.

Do you have any chores you need to get done?

I need to do laundry soon, but I don't have enough to make a load worth it quite yet.

If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be of and where would you like it?

I plan to get one in memory of my Nan as soon as possible. Something she painted, with Nan underneath it, her birth and death dates, then "the secrets in your heart she's always known" it's from the song Mother, by Sugarland. It makes me think of her more than it does my own mum. She was more emotionally supportive than my mum is and knew me better than everyone and anyone. She was my rock and I'll miss her with my whole heart forever. She never put herself in the middle of things with me and my mum, though she often offered to. She knew all my deepest darkest shit I couldn't even tell my mum or anyone. Swore she'd take it to her grave and never say a word. And she did. That's the rarest thing in the frigging world. I'm so lucky to have had her. But I never would have been ready not to. It never would have been long enough. The grief still just hangs out in the pit of my stomach all the time. It's horrible. I miss her so much.

Have you ever had a bad sunburn?

Many times.

Have you ever seen a play? What was it about?

I've seen several. I go any chance I can. I used to be super into acting in middle and high school and I love musicals and live theatre.

Would you enjoy being famous or does it seem too stressful?

Oh, Jesus, no. It would absolutely ruin me. It's ruined too many long before their time. The money might be nice, but I don't think the sacrifice is worth it. The things paparazzi and crazed, overzealous fans put celebrities through is disgusting. Leave. Them. Alone. Just because they sign up to use a talent to make money and/or entertain does not mean we own them or we are owed every bit of their time or behind the curtain of their every day lives. Everybody deserves to have their boundaries respected. Everybody.

[magiclwritings]

"But where is the fun in that?" He asked plainly, trying his damnedest to not roll his eyes. He could see why Quintus was so tiring. According to his uncle. Of course, that wasn't exactly what he meant when he said it. Neither of them were strangers to how matters of court went. But they weren't exactly at court, at least not formally. And he needed to get his point across before Quintus got the idea that he could actually walk all over him. "But I suppose for someone that only has a week until his freedoms are forsaken, would be a bit on edge."

He couldn't help but take notice of the bed of his nails while the quiet passed between them. Fingers flexed out, Renly ran his thumb over the other four but kept his eye sight from Quin. "And you are correct." He started again, feeling the air change around them on that balcony. "You don't owe me anything but you do owe the people of this kingdom and my cousin. But I doubt Cesare would ever believe anything else but the very best of you" He rolled his eyes, pushing off from his spot to stand directly behind the prince, obscuring his only exit from the balcony.

"The last thing your uncle wants is to sacrifice such a great ally like Adros. But ... "He trailed off, exhaling slowly. "He knows that the prince, soon to be king." The eye roll could have leveled a city if he had the power to do so at that moment. "Would never do anything against his best friend and whatever the hell you are. So I'm here to make sure that your last week of freedom is well lived but ultimately, you will be leaving with me when your time is up. It can be willingly or otherwise." He shrugged so nonchalantly that it didn't seem like he were actually threatening the prince. "I think Cesare would enjoy getting to lay eyes upon you one last time before you're hung for treason. And Max.... " He sucked in a breath and softly tutted at Quin. "He can't seem to understand what would possess the two of you to run off together. You're uncle is soothing him as best he can. The small troop that Cesare left behind is making that rather difficult though. No matter, they'll be dead as soon as you're back on Vivec soil. But then again, Cesare might not get off entirely scott-free either"

Renly yawned, growing ever the more tired of this cat and mouse game. He was not worried in the least about his time here. He'd make nice with his aunt, tolerate his cousin and swoon over the king. Afterall, there may be openings in his future. "Don't bother to spin whatever is going through that pee brain of yours. You've already been beaten. He's just allowing you the courtesy to savor what you'll never have before he kills you." Renly smiled so sweetly you'd think he were made of sugar.

"Enjoy the rest of your evening. I saw a woman in there that looks like she'd make a fine wife. Good breeding stock too. At least mine won't be sickly and weak like ... well, like other country's spares." He gave a nasty grin and quickly found his way from the balcony, leaving the other two completely to themselves.

Cesare stood quietly, straining to hear every word that had come out of his cousin's mouth. And while, in hindsight, he wish he hadn't; Cesare never dreamed that Renly would be such a low, hopeless being that it would come to something like this. His father had always told him that that was the way things were. It was one of the reasons he didn't have any siblings. And now he wished his father had adhered to the same philosphy with the rest of their family. .Renly skated by him so quickly he thought to reach other and strangle him but he knew better. Cesare's hands balled into fists at his sides and he sunk more into the shadows. He'd have happily disappeared all together if that were possible but this had to be dealt with. Now.

When he was sure there was no one else coming and that Renly was truly gone, the prince stepped out to see Quin. He felt ghostly white, unnerved and in need of something. Reassurance or a drink. Something hopeful or destructive. "He can't mean that." He spoke before considering what he actually thought about what was going on. It was all too much. For either of them. How could he have known about this? They just got here. They could have gone anywhere. The only good thing to come out of any of that was that Cesare knew his men were still alive. As selfish as it was, he was relieved. And even more so when he considered Max was also still alive. What state he was in, Cesare couldn't even begin to imagine.

The prince looked back at Quintus and he sighed, shaking his head completely at a loss for what to do next. Or even where to start for that matter. "I never thought for a moment in my life that Renly would ever be anything to anyone. Your uncle truly doesn't care who it is, does he?" The gravity of the man they'd been dealing with was slowly unraveling for Cesare. Quin had told him the entire time and yet, he'd questioned it. And here they were, cornered, surrounded and nearly no where else to go. "We have to tell my father. If he hasn't already come to that conclusion himself." He sighed, knowing a fight was about to take root and he wasn't sure he had it in him to quell another one in such a short span of time. "Please Quin?" He damn near begged. "We need help."

Quintus slid off of the balcony, standing head-to-head with Renly. Their proximity made Quin’s skin itch, but he refused to show it. He leaned in even closer, his nose brushing the shell of Renly’s ear. “Oh, Renly,” Quin whispered, his breath brushing against the other’s ear. “You have much to lie about but it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me now. I’ll keep working my way under your skin, frustrating you until those lies burst from your mouth. I’ve lived with people my whole life wanting something. I can see that there is something you want but yes, let’s play this the hard way.”

His gaze shifted from the side of Renly’s face to behind him. Hidden in the confines of the shadows was Cesare. Quin’s entire body heated up as their eyes met. He smirked at the prince. A cocky expression that said See? I was right. But he was also thankful and relieved that Cesare could see his cousin’s true colors for himself. 

“If you know Cesare would never double-cross Maximus for me then you have your answer,” Quin said, stepping back from Renly, and ripping his gaze away from Cesare to look at his cousin instead. He crossed his arms over his chest, hip jutted out showing his impatience at the man standing before him. “You’re forgetting one very important detail, Renly, so let me be clear. I don’t owe you an explanation as to what happened. I’m not sure who inflated your head with this asinine idea that you’re of some importance to the royal family but you are not or else you would know what happened. Your King knows, I know, and Prince Cesare knows.” He held up three fingers in front of the man’s face. “You don’t make the cut and I don’t need to prove my innocence to anyone but them. Especially not you.” 

Quin turned his back on Renly, making his way back to the balcony and looking out at the surroundings again. A turned back for someone like Renly was the biggest insult someone with a title would give them. “If you’re too lazy to connect the dots on your own that is your fault, not mine. I sure as fuck won’t do it for you. Run along now, Renly. I’ve grown bored of this game.” He turned his head, flashing the man with the most insincere smile he could give him. “And I would advise against seeking me out like this again. While you cannot lay hands on me, I do not make the same promise. I am a feral beast, after all.”

[elysianslove]

Hiii! I loved your Iwa fluff headcanons and was wondering if you could do one with Suna? thanks <3

yesyesyes i would love to!!! iwaizumi’s version. 

↬ when suna was younger, he really, really wanted a pet bunny. like he really, really loved bunnies, and would beg his parents day and night for one. he even made a really badly edited powerpoint on bunnies and why he deserves one (aside the editing, it was a very persuasive powerpoint. they filmed him while he presented it and the video haunts him to this day). his parents were relentless, though, and didn’t get him his bunny. instead, though, they surprised him with a cat. a cat isn’t as high maintenance since they’re very independent creatures, but can also be very fun. they figured any pet would make him happy. they were wrong. suna hated her so much and would never interact with her. like to the point where he nicknamed her “bitch” and now she mainly answers to that instead of her name. but all that only worked against him, and the cat just kept getting more and more attached to him.

↬ suna now loves her so much, and she’s just as attached to him. like he would kill for her, honestly. it’s his cat >>> everyone else. he has an album on his phone dedicated to pictures and videos of only her, and her bed is in his room because she always ends up sleeping there anyways. he realized later on when he grew older that a cat was the perfect animal for him, and he’s not sure if it’s a parents thing and they really knew or they were just winging it and hoping for the best, but she’s his favorite ever and he would risk it all for her.

↬ his favorite sleeping position with her would be when he’s casually laying on his back scrolling through his phone and she comes and crawls along him to lay on his chest. the warmth he feels within his chest like he just gets so giddy.

↬ suna is crazy obsessed with serial killer documentaries, horror movies, unsolved mysteries, everything like that. his favorite pastime is watching and reading these things, but honestly, it’s not even a like, “wow that’s so cool,” and more of a, “suna what is wrong with you???” type of thing, because he’s the type to have like insidious 2 in the background as he does his homework or gets ready or something. it’s kind of scary how unfazed he is with things like that.

↬ but! yeah he’s extremely brave when it comes to horror movies, borderline unhinged, but his biggest fear? his phobia, if you will? spiders. insects in general, really. he will scream like a sixth grader that’s yet to hit puberty if he sees a spider crawling near him. once he was peeing in the miya twins’ bathroom and some kind of cockroach crawling on the wall and nearly fainted. thank god he was already peeing because he would’ve pissed his pants either way. it’s so embarrassing for him, so he’s so good at hiding it. he just freezes impossibly when he notices an insect and doesn’t take his eye off of it until someone else notices it and kills it. there was this instance when they were at a training camp and he kept feeling as if something was crawling on him, but assumed it was just really hot and his skin was tingling from that. something was crawling on him, though, and it was not just really hot. Top 10 Most Traumatic Moments of his life, especially because atsumu’s first instinct was to record the whole thing.

↬ suna is extremely, and i mean extremely, touch-starved. physical touch has always made him uncomfortable for a reason unknown to him, so he never really accepted hugs or kisses from his family, and would feel so icky if he was roped into a group hug b by his teammates. so when he met you, he thought you’d be so against the fact that he’s uncomfortable with it, because who would want a partner that doesn’t wanna touch or be touched? turns out he actually craves it, and needs it badly, he just needed to take his own time and pace approaching it, and with how understanding you were, he doubted he could ever figure this out without you. he just took it slow, you know? but the more he touched you — held your hand, pinched your cheek, rested his head on your shoulder, pecked your lips for a few seconds longer than last time — the more he wanted you.

↬ when suna became comfortable with the thought and idea that yeah, he actually craves physical touch so damn bad, he wouldn’t stop touching you every second he could. he became insanely clingy, no matter if you were in public or alone. just always has a hand on you at all times. when he’s alone with you, he’s always trying to cuddle with you. you wanna sit and chill on your phone and not really talk? sure, just come do it with your head on his chest. you wanna watch a movie and munch on some popcorn and possibly share a drink? of course he’d love to! just come sit between his legs with your popcorn on your lap so he can steal some and also offer you some sips from the drink. you don’t wanna hug him after a game cause he’s too sweaty? that’s too bad, he wasn’t asking for permission. so you see, suna is a clingy mf. like latches onto you like a koala clingy <3

↬ suna’s music taste is very diverse. his favorite genre is alternative and rock, like the neighborhood, arctic monkeys, etc, but he also loves, loves loves glitchcore music, but also will un-ironically listen to kpop, and rap, and hannah montana’s old music too because why not. he just doesn’t care. if a song is good, it’s good. so what if it caters to a bunch of 12 year olds and not him? who decides that anyways?

↬ suna is very good at hair. like so good. as his sister started to get older, and her hair grew longer, she would sometimes ask him to do it for her before school. at first he was terrible at it, except maybe ponytails cause his hair was long enough at some point to push back into a ponytail, but everything else like parting her hair for pigtails or doing braids or a bun… he was just awful. so, in response, he’d just practice. he’d watch videos as he’s doing his little sister’s hair and be so focused, with his tongue sticking out a little and his eyes squinting as he tries to get it accurate. eventually, he becomes a master at it! you find this out when one day, as you’re just over at his house, his sister comes into his room with a hair tie and a brush and he just carries her up onto his lap and braids her hair as he chats with you and it was so endearing and so impressive and you genuinely believe that was the moment you realized you were in love with him.

↬ he offers to do your hair for you all the time now!! especially if you’ve just showered and are too lazy to brush it and tie it in some way, so he does it for you. he’s actually so, very gentle when brushing your hair, you don’t even feel a thing. if anything, it makes you really sleepy.

↬ when he joined the national team and started to become more and more of a public figure, he’d send you really explicit fan art of him and other teammates he was shipped with just to piss you off. if he was feeling really bold, he’d send you smut written about him. he says he wants to make you jealous. he just wants to provoke you in every way possible, really. one time someone made an edit plot twisting you and him to him and like atsumu so he downloaded video star and made such a bad edit of you and him and posted it on his twitter and instagram and it went viral. like it was one of those edits of just pictures flipping and hearts flashing and lights spasming all over the screen it was so bad it made you cry with laughter. that was his way of telling the world, no one but this person for me, right here <3

↬ i think he’d be very good at doing chores and cleaning and all that, despite how lazy he is. i just think it’s a habit kind of thing, where he grew up doing laundry and making his bed and cleaning his room and washing the dishes that he genuinely doesn’t mind doing it cause it’s natural for him. and he’s learnt to enjoy it.

↬ suna’s favorite color was deep, deep purple at some point, but now it’s between green and black.

↬ he’s caught up with all seasons of keeping up with the kardashians. please don’t ask him why, he doesn’t even know.

↬ once when you were out with him you just gave him a rock that was on the floor and he’s kept that rock with him ever since. like it’s in the drawer next to his bed and sometimes he just takes it out and holds it in his hand while he’s doing homework or scrolling through his phone.

↬ he spams you a lot. like at any time time of the day he just sends you a million videos of him doing the most mundane things; he sends you a video of him eating some almonds and at the end it’s just him going, “i’s good,” or him lip-syncing a song you sent him to listen to, or him trying to do eyeliner because why not. or maybe it’s pictures of him and it’s always ridiculous: him exaggerating him thinking, and then captioning it “thinking,” or just a picture of him on the roof with a peace sign and a pretty smile, or a close up photo of his face saying, “miss u.”

↬ he also spams you with memes all the time. and there’s no set type, it’s just all kinds. really corny memes and really cursed memes, wholesome memes and also memes that bully you. it’s all about the versatility.

↬ suna loves to sleep, he really does, but before meeting you, the only place where he could properly fall into a deep sleep was his bed. after meeting you, anywhere where you were next to him was the perfect place to sleep. if he had your presence near him he could sleep, it didn’t matter, especially if he was resting on your lap or shoulder or gripping onto your hand or resting his legs on your lap. he just wants you close to him, you know? like he feels so safe and comfortable when you’re around, it kind of scares him if he’s honest.

[potatoes-is-are-food]

NEED NSFW HCS FOR DRIDER SHIGARAKI PLWEASE

Haven’t written anything in months but I’ve got a sliver of motivation and this ask really just made my day with the enthusiasm so here ya go <3 I wanted to add some cute stuff too so I did SFW and NSFW

~

Basically, you decided on the worst(read: best) day and time for a hike, having been talked into it by a couple friends and assured the trail wouldn’t be too harsh. When you stopped for a break, you went off into the trees away from the group to pee in a secluded area. The sun was high enough to give plenty of light, but the thick canopy of the forest left you in much darker light than your eyes were used to. You wrapped up your business quickly, nervous in the unfamiliar terrain, only to find that you couldn’t see the trail anymore. And it was steadily growing darker, much faster than a normal sunset.

~

SFW

- Drider Shiggy, much like normal Shiggy, has a very “I see it, I want it, it’s mine.” mentality. Only he has even less self control and no one to stop him.

- Naturally, he just used his ability to see perfectly in the dark and watched you stumble around for a while before he came in to “save” you.

- At first he just watches you. The way you stare up at him with big, terrified eyes and your shaking hands as you reach out to gingerly touch him the first time.

- You don’t speak the same language, but he knows just enough human words and behaviors to decipher important things. “yes,” “no,” crying, smiling, laughing, and a few others.

- Obviously, you eventually come to terms with the fact you’ll never be able to get away and you do kinda like him, so you accept it.

- He’s completely feral, but mostly he’s like a cute, exo-skeletoned cat. But over two feet taller than you and strong enough to rip you in half without exerting much effort.

- Extremely demanding. You will be forced to drop what you’re doing and snuggle him or do whatever else he wants at any given moment.

- He’s never had a mate before (female drider are dominant and it kinda scares him a little and he absolutely will never admit that) so he’s ecstatic to have someone, even if it’s hard to communicate at first.

- Every time he brings back stuff he’s’ killed for you he gets really chirpy and excited when you approve. He does not and will not ever understand why you’d burn it over fire before eating but he also can’t imagine you sucking all the blood out like he does, so he won’t judge.

- At night he sleeps on his back, the more spiderlike portion of his body curls up so he’s flat against the bed (a hammock made of silks) and he’ll have you lay on top of him, preferably straddling him for easy access in the morning.

- Sometimes he finds little presents to bring you. A fair amount of the time it’s a forgotten water bottle or some other garbage, but he just looks so happy and eager to please you can’t reject it. Occasionally he’ll bring you jewelry or a beautiful stone, though.

- His hair is long and he doesn’t take care of it, but if you sit behind him and tend to it and braid it for him it’ll be really silky and soft. He purrs a little at the contact and gentle attention, but if you try to call him on it he’ll pout and insist he doesn’t make such sounds.

- He’s not the best at actually making stuff with his silk, but he’ll give you as much as you want if you wanna make clothes or jewelry or anything else. And if he sees you making a lot of certain things, he’ll try to do it too and give it to you.

NSFW

- Drider don’t really go into heat or anything, but in the spring he gets excited a little more easily and any time he can smell your arousal it’ll send him into a frenzy. It’s not helped by the fact he touches you all the time, even just on the face or shoulder, but the contact sends shivers across your skin.

- The second you give him the green light to start having sex, be prepared to not walk much or leave the nest at all for weeks. He’ll pound you for hours, overstimulating himself until he’s sobbing but continuing anyway.

- He’ll still want to do it often after the initial haze, but he does calm down a lot. He gets overexcited most of the time, purring and drooling and filling you up over and over.

- He can and will use his webs to keep you still and tie you up into neat positions, vulnerably hanging like a ripe piece of fruit for him to devour.

- He’s overprotective, and if any of his drider friends come around and get too friendly he’s not above fucking you in front of them to prove a point.

- It’s not physically possible, but he will never stop trying to get you pregnant. He’s very convinced that if he fucks you enough eventually you’ll have a clutch of eggs and some little fluffy kids.

- He’ll shove his face between your legs and eat you out until you cry at regular intervals, but the idea of a blowjob is foreign to him until you wrap your lips around his leaking cock the first time. After that, he’ll want it pretty often and he’ll purr really loud if you kiss and lavish affection on it.

- After sex he gets more cuddly than usual and refuses to let you up from his embrace. He’ll lick you clean and if you’re insistent he’ll take you to a stream to actually bathe.

[luimagines]

Waking Up Next to Him

Masterlist

Set platonically and within the adventure. It’s long so it goes under the cut!

Time

The bright sunlight winked just beyond your eyelids at an blinding angle. Your back was against warm though and was surprisingly comfortable despite the growing ache in your neck. There’s a weight over your shoulder, pinning you in place but doesn’t dig in. A thrown blanket is covering your body and the secret weight, even if half of it has ended up on the forest floor. You’re too tired to think of what the weight can be. All you know is that it’s comfortable and you don’t feel like moving. A heartbeat passes and the solid form on which you lay shifts. 

A groan.

More shifting.

Heat flushes your face slightly as you resign to get up, trying to play the whole cool, once you realize what, or rather who you passed out against.

“Mornin’ Time.”

Your pillow takes a minute to assess the situation.

It’s early, none of the others are up yet. Too tired from the journey the day prior, but the resident chef wakes up the earliest to cook breakfast on time. He’s asleep now but won’t be for long. You thank the stars and your luck that you woke up before him. No pictures for him to take this time.

Time grins, seemingly unbothered by the events and sighs good naturedly. “Good morning.”

Twilight

It was a cold night. They told you it would be. Both your traveling companions and the breeze as you settled with the day’s end.

But you couldn’t have guessed how cold it turned out to be.

Sleep didn’t come easy. Discomfort and shivers kept you awake. Your blankets were warm but not warm enough. At some point, in the middle of the night, you gain the warmth your tired brain was waiting for before drifting off to sleep. 

When you wake, you can’t breath.

Hairs tickle your mouth and nose and there’s a large and heavy being on top of you. At first you think it’s Wind because the shape is much to large to be four but smaller than some of your other companions.

Further analysis and you realize that it’s not hair but fur, that’s threating to enter your lungs and the color of the material seems awfully familiar.

“...Wolfie, I love you but you’re killing me. Get off.” You weakly push the beast away, not coherent enough to move your limbs and piece together how to be a functioning human yet.

The creatures blinks up at you, having just woken up as well and notices your open eyes. A yawn and crushed ribbed where he stepped to get off later and your freedom has been duel earned.

You take a breath of relief and grin, only now noticing the cold with the rising sun to be a little more barrable than the previous night.

“Thanks buddy, you’re a walking heater. I probably would have been a popsicle if it hadn’t been for you.” He nods in acknowledgment and swiftly turns away before you can reach behind his ears to thank him properly.

You look up and see Wild and Time already awake, not talking. Warrior looks to just have woken like you today. Not unusual but welcoming nonetheless. Wind and Sky probably won’t wake up for another hour or two and Hyrule and Four always wake up a little after them. No one knows for sure when Legend will get up because its never consistent and Twilight seems to be missing as well.

The ranch hand emerges from the tree line seconds after you realize he was gone to begin with. He smiles at you and waves in greeting.

You wave back and try to dust the wolf hairs off of your clothes.

You missed Twilight’s subtle smirk.

Warrior

It was a hard fight and not a safe place to stay put but the dungeon left you with little option. Separated from the group and low on provisions and healing items, you and Warrior realize that your both running low on fumes. Taking refuge in a secluded corner, hopefully far away from any potential monsters and threats, you rest.

Waking up is hell.

Sleeping back to back was probably not the best idea but neither of you wanted to risk an ambush. Shifts were supposed to be taken but given that you both fell asleep says something about your energy levels and the previous fights.

Your neck hurts, your legs are sore, your butt and hips are not thanking you for the treatment and everything ache will familiar but expected battle wounds. None major but each one takes its toll.

“You up?” Warrior stands up as if he wasn’t bleeding from the shoulder yesterday and he also didn’t sleep sitting for who knows how many hours.

“I am clearly sitting Captain.” You mutter. “I am not up. I refuse to be up.”

“You know as well as I do that we have to get to the others. What if they need help?”

“I’d argue we need the help. Everything hurts. We have no fairies and there’s more dungeon ahead of us with obviously more enemies and traps and puzzles...” The puzzles... were the worst. “Just five more minutes....Please?”

Warrior says your name in a way a tired mother tries to get her stubborn child to listen to reason. His face twists at the idea and when he attempts to look over his shoulder to check your surroundings, it instead contorts in a pained grimace.

So his shoulder pain was still there after all.

“Fine. Five minutes.”

Sky

As expected, Sky goes down for the count within the first few minutes of the mandated lunch break. Unfortunately after a rumble or two and strange smoke coming from the distance that decidedly wasn’t there when you first arrived, the group decided to investigate.

Legend goes to shake Sky’s shoulder in an attempt to wake him but it’s all in vain.

Sticks are drawn after a long and loud argument about what to do and yours in the shortest.

Everyone else goes to check out the commotion and you are stuck with babysitting duty. It’s not bad all things considered- he’s asleep- no actual babysitting happening. But part of you can help but grumble about missing the action so you sit non too gently next to him and decidedly not pout.

Your stomach is full and the sun light begins to feel heavy and warm and nice.

Your eyes close before you can fight it.

Some time later, you’re shaken awake. Adrenaline fills your system instantly but upon seeing the laughing face of Sky himself, you remember yourself and only marginally resist the urge punch him.

“Feel better?” You ask instead.

“I could ask you the same thing.” He chuckles and points to his chin.

You wipe across the area and your hands comes back wet, cold and covered in drool. 

“You saw nothing.”

“Oh sure, but Wind did.”

Great.

Now it’s on his pictobox. That’s blackmail material in his favor, you suppose and refuse to acknowledge it further.

Wild

When you wake up, it’s still dark. Not even close to sunrise.

The fire burns bright and warm throughout the area but it’s not the fire that’s keeping you warm.

You also find out you can’t move.

You crane your head slightly to find long hair draped over your shoulder and a familiar scarred ear belonging to the resident champion.

He wrapped around you completely, hugging you tightly and pining you down with a leg to boot. 

You attempt to shimmy out but his grip tightens instead.

You sighed and watch as Twilight comes into view. He crouches closer and squats on Wild’s side, whispering to you. “Do you need help getting out? I can wake him to take over Hyrule’s shift for the night.”

You take a minute to rethink about your position. It’s not painful. The opposite actually. It feel nice. You’ve seen Wild cling to who ever he can get his hands on when he sleeps so you’re not surprise. 

You don’t need to pee or leave anytime soon anyway.

“No, I think I’m good actually.” You reply, whispering as well. “Let him sleep, it’s been a day for everyone.”

Twilight nods and leaves, but not without looking back once or twice in case you changed your mind.

You shimmy back in place and allow yourself to be held by your friend. 

Sleep comes easier this time.

Hyrule

Gentle fingers card through your hair. Warmth, magic and the unusual feeling of safety plague your mind. Confusion hits you but the alarm that typically follows never comes.

“Oh thank goodness, you’re awake.” A voice fills your ears. It’s muffled and must have been quiet to begin with because you can’t make out who said it yet. 

Organizing your thoughts feels like traveling through knee high mud.

Your eyes blink open and the light comes through.

The Traveler is leaning over you, thankfully blocking out most of the sun from immediately assaulting you. 

“Hyrule?”

“You had us worried for a minute.” He visually sags with relief, a tired smile on his face and leans back. “You took quite a hit.”

Your head feels swollen but as Hyrule continues to push your hair back it dissipates as time passes. Your thoughts clear and with his help, you sit up.

A hand places itself by your temple. It takes a half second before you realize it’s yours.

It comes back covered in dried blood.

Sky runs over after tending to Four with what looks like a bloodied wet cloth. He sits down slowly and begins to clean your head in a familiar fashion.

“Thank you. Both of you.” You tired voice comes through and a worn out smile follows soon after.

“Anytime.”

Wind

It’s nice day. 

According to some people.

Dark clouds cover the sky, the sun nowhere to be seen. It pours cats and dogs and the only cover for miles is a lone cave where your group currently takes up residence. Everyone’s wet and your clothes feel heavy and cold. No one is happy. 

Wild, Twilight and Legend dive deeper, intending to check out if any monsters reside in the cave.

Hyrule insisted on traveling with them but Warrior’s concussion and Time’s bleeding leg call for further attention and Legend claims to have more magic restorative potions than healing potions.

He stays behind.

Four and Sky take over the food while he’s distracted, trying to make a half decent meal before he intervenes.

Wind is groaning, sore and bored but otherwise unharmed.

You don’t make any comments at your own pain, biting your tongue and taking a deep breath. As you lean against the stone wall, Wind stomps up next to you and sits down with purpose.

“I could’ve gone with them.” He slams his fist into his cheek with his elbow on his knee.

“But you didn’t. It’s not so bad.” You said.

“They didn’t want me to go.”

“You’ll live.”

“I’m just as good as them you know.”

“I know and you make a better pillow.” You says, throwing yourself sideways with your head landing on his lap. He squawks indignantly and attempts to push you off but you hold on. “Sorry, you make the best pillow.”

“NOOOO!”

“YEEEESSS!”

“Nooooo.” Wind keeps his hands on your back but you’ve misjudged your exhaustion. You’re out in seconds.

A moment passes.

“Hey, hey, hey.... wake up. You have to eat.” A small hand shakes your shoulder.

“Hm?” You blinked tiredly. There’s a bowl if front of your face and you don’t hesitate to grab it. “Thanks.”

“You’re heavy.” A voice calls from behind. The owner lets you take the bowl and begins to gently push you off into a sitting position. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“It was supposed to be a joke but thanks for letting me sleep.” You admit and smile at the pirate. 

“You trapped me.” He pokes your side, trying to look annoyed but falling flat. There’s a joke in there somewhere. You’re missing something.

The others have come back while you were out of it, all either have hidden smiles or failing to hide their shaking shoulders and snickers.

Curious and a little self conscious you looks into the provided meal, your reflection greeting you as always.

A lightbulb goes off over your head.

“DID YOU DRAW ON MY FACE?!”

Four

There’s a force dragging you down but there’s two arms under you.

It’s very concerning for a moment but then....the size of them catches up to you.

Your head snaps up and comes face to face with a very surprised Four.

“Hello.”

“...Hi.”

“Lovely weather we’re having, don’t you think?””

“You’re leading with that?” Four snorts and continues walking, unbothered by your weight in his arms.

“How...?” You trail off trying to find the right words to explain what happening to you. You don’t feel any pain and nothing feels injured....but the lack of memories is a little concerning.

“How am I holding you?” Four smirks as he guesses incorrectly. “I’m stronger than I look.”

“I was going to ask how did I fall unconscious. I don’t remember anything. I’m more surprised by that than the fact that you’re holding me despite being half my size.” You blinked and try to keeping searching through your memory.

Nothing comes up.

“Wizrobe.” Four answers causally with a shrug. “It caused some chaos, fought another wizrobe and you got caught in the cross fire between the two of them before we could intervene. Their attacks canceled each other out well enough that you weren’t actually injured but uhh..... Well I suppose you’ll figure it out sooner or later.”

“Four.” You glare in warning.

“Maybe don’t look at your reflection for a while. Legend, Twilight and Hyrule all agree that it’ll fade with time but...”

“What are you talking about? What happened to me?” You sit up a little in his grip, Your arm reach over his shoulders and something wrong catches your eyes.

Your skin is green.

Your shocked silence stills your entire body. Four winces once he follows your eye line and stops to place you on your own feet.

“It could be worse?”

You stare a little while longer and look back to Four with hopeful eyes. “Think you can knock me out again?

He’s not amused.

Legend

You blissfully wake up for the first time in a week. 

It’s been an easy week in terms of travel and attacks so the boys take it upon themselves to cause trouble and it hasn’t been merciful to your sleep schedule.

They are the very incarnation of that thing your hometown friend used to say. How did it go again? If there’s no trouble then I’ll create it? Something along those lines.

But this is different and you don’t plan on wasting it.

You close your eyes and attempt to go back to sleep while you can but hushed voices reached your ears, keeping you awake before you can tune them out.

“Should we wake them?”

“You know how Legend is. He can be as bad as Sky and he had a rough night to boot.”

“But he’s right on top of them and they promised to show me how to fight in hand to hand combat.”

“You have all day for that and they didn’t say it was going to be today.”

“But I‘m excited! I want to start as soon as possible.”

“Will you idiots keep it down?” A voice by your shoulder speaks up. It lacks the usual snark it posses but the intention for venom is there. “Some people took double shifts last night. Shut up.”

You breath a small sigh of relief as the voices abruptly cut off and don’t return for a long minute.

The body next to you stills.

Three heartbeats pass and the unnoticed weight gets off of you.

You pretend to be asleep still, not wanting him to push you away so early in your relationship. He’s just started to get used to you.

You’re determined to be his friend before everything ends.

He’s determined to avoid that.

It’s been a battle of wills.

An unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.

But this could tip the scales in his favor if you fail to play it off correctly.

“No one say anything.” Legend hisses. “Not. One. Word.”

You make the mistake of stretching. 

“You’re up! You’re up! You’re up!” Wind practically pounces on you, knocking his name sake out of your lungs and demolishing any chances for a peaceful morning. “We can start now!”

“Can I eat first at least?” You groan out, not bothering to fight him off.

“Wind. Off.” Time calls out and the boy follows the command without question. He quickly kneels by your side though, practically vibrating on the spot.

You sit up and look around.

Looks like you were the last one up.

“Morning everybody.” You smile. You glance at Legend who unluckily has the tips of his ears tinted red. His arms are crossed and he’s avoiding looking at you, even greeting you as the rest of the group return your call.

You smirk. “Good morning Legend. Did you sleep well?”

He huffs and turns away completely, taking a few steps to leave.

You get to your feet, shadowed by Wind and head to take your share of the food from Wild.

A beat passes without any words exchanged and you tilted your head innocently at the Veteran. You refuse to let it be awkward between you so you pretend you know nothing.

The blush travels down his ears to his face and neck. “I did. Thanks for asking.”

[rayofsunas]

s/o is half-human, half-cat.

A/n: back to requests for a bit and as of rn requests are closed! they'll be open again when I finish all of them, I currently have 20 to do. ALSO, sorry for this being really late to the anon who requested this, I've been procrastinating + busy. I also hope you don't mind that I did Childe's s/o male and added Scaramouche and Xiao (Fem and Gn respectively). I added a bit of everything so everyone can hopefully read it/feel included (if this doesn't make sense cause I'm dumb, check the pairings lol). I've never written anything like this so I'm so sorry if this makes zero sense ;-; anyways, have a great day everyone! <333

Summary: s/o is half-human, half-cat.

Parings: Childe/Male! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader

Warnings: fluff, swearing, nsfw (18+, implied, mating/heat)

Word count: 1.1k

Childe

mannnn, Childe has never seen a boy as attractive as you

EARS, TAIL AND ALL

omg, Childe thinks you're the cutest

like your soft kitty ears are just so cute

and he loves to tease you so he's going to pinch and pull at them a lot

if you're frustrating him and he isn't challenging you to fight (lmao he would) he's going to tug on your ears, because he knows it bothers you, especially if he's doing it roughly

your tail though is a different story

he's so fascinated with all of your cat-like features, but one thing he loves is your tail

it's not too fluffy, but it's fluffy enough that it's still adorable

you have a long tail too, and you wrap it around his

and like a male cat, you're going to mark EVERYTHING

you're still human, yes, but you still have cat-like features and habits

so sometimes, he finds that you'll come up to him and mark him

male cats pee to mark their territory, but you don't do that since you are still human (that's gross ngl), you'll just constantly rub against him, especially up near his neck

your scent is much stronger than a female cats, so it's much more pungent

and guess what? Childe doesn't mind it, he likes the smell. plus, it keeps other hybrids away (not that there's a lot, but you know)

he would mark you too, in his own way

he's not half cat, so he doesn't really leave a scent on you unless it's some type of fragrance he uses

all in all though,

and he has a lot of questions for you too, like how did this happen? are/were your parent's cats too?

tbh, you're going to get a lot of stares, lets be real

and people think you're a freak but he's always there to keep you safe if needed

"Leave my boyfriend alone, asshole, unless you'll face my wrath!" says it teasingly and it comes off sweetly innocent, his usual teasing tone, but he means it deep down

Scaramouche

he thinks you're very weird at first, like wth

why do you have cat ears and is that a tail at your rear end he sees?!?!

he's never seen a girl like you EVER and he's seen so many strange, questionable things

he's never met Diona before, so he just thinks you're odd, but hybrids like yourself these days are more common than he thinks

he also doesn't understand how this was even possible?!?!

like how tf does one even become half-cat, half-human?

nonetheless, he still finds you attractive, like wOw you're hot af

you're still a cat tho, so like I said before you have cat-like traits and such

for example marking your territory and mating

you like to mark him (he says he doesn't like it, but he's a fucking liar and we know this)

when you mark your territory, you lick his face/neck and he genuinely hates this ngl

it's the one thing he can't stand

even during intimate moments

he's like "don't lick me you brat."

but it's only natural, you need to do it

when it comes to mating that's an entirely different story

you're still human, so if you were to fall pregnant, you wouldn't carry a huge litter of kittens like if you were reproducing with a male cat hybrid

so, you would probably only have one baby at a time (the most being two; twins) but the second one is unlikely

you kind of miss the whole multiple children and big litter thing :(

Scaramouche's glad though, because he doesn't like children one bit

he's glad and doesn't hide it, big-mouthed bitch-

also, you go into heat during random seasons which kinda SUCKS for him

like, you wanna pounce him a lot when that happens whew chill

his favorite feature of yours is your ears, never admits it, he's a secret lover but he knows that you like them scratched

If you leave me alone while I do my work, I'll consider scratching your ears, hmm? How does that sound?

you're pestering him, he'll use the "I'll scratch/won't scratch your ears" card, and you will act accordingly

and you know what?

you're his weirdo, but if anyone else calls you that, he's taking it as an insult and disposing killing them immediately

no one gets to call you weird, except him

he's a bully but I love him

Xiao

pretty boy is confused on how you became to be a cat-human mix, but he doesn't mind as much as you'd think

if you're afraid he'd be indifferent towards you, trust me he's not

sure he thinks you're peculiar, but you're unique as well, more unique than any other human he's come across

and it doesn't change his love for you

plus, he thinks you're so cute :)

your ears are an added bonus that contributes to the cuteness

so fluffy, and soft and AAJDDBEHI

he blushes every time he lays his eyes on you, 'cause you're just that cute

he's going to refer to you as his "cute little neko" omg so cuteeee

he doesn't understand your biological nature, but he'll definitely try too

like if you mate, or are in heat, etc. he's trying his best to grasp those concepts

he's already touch starved so good luck (he's trying for the one-hundredth time!)

but if you explain everything to him, he'll get the idea(s) quickly

and he's not going to judge you at all. I feel like this goes against his characteristics because let's be real, he's a small judgy bb boy adepti and I feel like he already has assumptions about people/motives so yeah ANYWAYS

if you love your tail played with he'll often play with your tail lol, there's not much to say or deny about this

he will do it if asked, he'll do it without being asked, he just likes playing with your tail

he's not going to openly admit how cute he thinks you are or be so open about it that everyone knows how he feels about you, but you know and that's fine. that's all that matters to you

he will not tolerate people making fun of you, not at all

"what does their appearance have to do with you, small fry?"

like don't try to make fun of his s/o, he's not having none of it

he'll protect you to the ends of time ALWAYS

3.15.21, rayofsunas

[thr-333]

Drastic Measures- Part 7

@daminette-december2019-2020

~Chill~

Wrote it all in an hour and 20 minutes just about? Not bad, not bad at all.

Ao3

First< Previous

----------

“Why! Why does it have to be so cold!” Marinette pulls on her coat tighter.

“Why did you come if you’re just going to complain?” Damian scowls, looking over the list they were given.

“Dick asked me to,” Marinette shivers, “Besides I need to get out and see the city, you said you would show me,”

“I only agreed to this because Dick insisted I apologize for trying to kill you,”

“You were trying to kill me?”

“... No?”

“Damian,”

“Fine,” He pulls off the sweater he was wearing, the one she had made him, “My bad, now keep warm,”

“My bad is not an apology,” Marinette chides pulling the sweater on, “If you didn’t like the sweater you could have just said so,”

“That's not-” Damina turn to see her smirk, tutting then turning back around, “You're incorrigible,”

“Your apology is accepted,” Marinette giggles skipping slightly to catch up, she takes note of how he shivers as a gust of wind blows through, “Hey you're cold now right? I have an idea,”

“I’m not cold,” Damian snaps, picking up the pace, “Unlike you, I have more discipline than that,”

“Oh please, you grew up in the desert right?” Damian glares at her, “What? You think I didn’t know anything? Maman not as good at hiding things as she thinks she is,”

“Be careful where you say that,” He warns, they walk for a little while more the temperature dropping. Marinette continues to keep an incredulous eye on Damian. After ten minutes he sighs, “What's your idea?”

“It involves me getting on your back,”

“Not a chance,” Damian tuts, “You could stab me in the back,”

“Literally or figuratively?” Another glare but Marinette just smiles under it, “Fine then, I’ll just take this sweater off and we can both freeze,”

“Don't be ridiculous,” Damian snatches it off her, “I’ll just wear it,”

And so he does. They walk for a while longer Marinette simultaneously congratulating and cursing herself for picking such a warm fabric for Damian's sweater as she shivers in the cold Gotham winds. Her teeth are chattering and they are still a long way off from their destination. Marinette starts to slow down, ever since she had become ladybug her tolerance to the cold was lowering, like how Adrien's eyesight at night kept improving; although she probably got the short end of the stick for that one. Her thoughts are interrupted by a long suffered sigh from Damian.

“Fine, we’ll do your plan,”

“Really?!”

“If we actually want to get there today, yes,”

 ---

 “This was your plan!” Damian shouts as they run down the street.

“It’s a great plan!’ Marinette clings to his back.

“Everyones staring,” Damian scowls, the sweater just big enough to stretch over both of them locking Marinette against his back.

“Then run faster!”

“Maybe if you stopped strangling me I would!”

“Oh please, stop being dramatic,”

“Why don't you start running and we’ll see whos being dramatic!”

“I could probably get there before you!”

“Yeah right, you-”

“Wait! Wait! Go back!” Marinette tugs, Damian lets out a choked sound stopping as he brings his hands up to remove hers.

“What,” He is unable to get her off with the sweater around them both.

“Pet store,” Marinette shimmies down, managing to get out with some difficulty, “Look how cute- wait,”

“Where are you going!” Damian calls as she storms into the pet store, he trails reluctantly behind her. Marinette walks right up to the desk slamming her hand down.

“Excuse me are you in charge of this store?”

“I’m the manager, yes,” The man raises an eyebrow looking up from his newspaper.

“Are you aware that the enclosure out there is filthy?” 

“Animals get dirty,”

“It’s a health code violation,” Marinette scolds, “You're going to make the animals sick,”

“Tt, she’s right,” Damian looks around the store, the rest of the cages in even worse condition, “Just what sort of business do you think you're running? These are live animals, you can’t even see into the fish tank at this point,”

“I’ve followed company policy,” The manger huffs, going back to the newspaper adding a mocking, “So if you want to take it up with anyone take it up with them,”

“Oh I will,” Damian hisses, before going to the other end of the store intently tapping at his phone.

“Ha, have fun getting bounced around the phones for the next ten hours,” The manager barks, Marinette rolls her eyes turning back to him.

“Look it may not be required by your employer but try to have some compassion these are living creatures, they look miserable,”

“Well then, why don’t you buy them if they look so miserable,”

“That's not the root of the problem and you know it,” Marinette reasons with the unreasonable, “You’ll just replace them with more animals, this place isn’t fit for that,”

She could just feel the negative energy coming from the place, a place of suffering for those who had no way out. Her magic had perked the animals up a bit but that wouldn't solve the problems at hand. Not that any of this seemed to get through to the manager as Marinette kept arguing. She brought up her phone and articles to help support her argument. Only finding to her disdain that the pet store franchise itself had a long history of animal abuse, that this was the norm, not an exception. They just threw money at any lawsuit that came their way and bribing inspectors.

“Why are you even working here if you hate-”

“Excuse me,” A new customer walks up, Damian close behind, “Could I look-”

“Do whatever you like!” The manager snaps, “Can’t you see I’m busy here?!”

“Do you treat all your customers like this? No wonder your not getting any business if the facilities alone didn’t scare people off,” Marinette finally snaps. Damian, dare she say looks impressed, which probably isn’t a good sign.

“You’re insulting me now?”

“I’ve been insulting you the past hour, nice of you to catch on,”

From there it devolves into a full argument. They rage while Damian and the other customer poke around the store, talking to each other. Damian keeps on making calls and Marinette wishes he would stop and come help back her up, he seemed just as disgusted with this place as she was. But whenever she sends a look his way Damian just brushes her off going back to his call.

The argument escalates. Marinette's magic lashing out, subconsciously sending the animals into a frenzy. Barks and howls ring out mixed with cat yowls and whatever noise the other animals can manage.

“Quiet down you!” The manager roars, winding up to hit a puppy yapping at him, Marinette moves just a fraction of a second too slow.

“How dare you,” Damian catches the fist, twisting the arm in a painful unnatural position, “You’re fired,”

“You can’t fire me!” He struggles in Damian's grip, who in turn looks completely unfazed by the effort.

“Actually I can,” Damina flips his screen around to show a contract, “I just brought the company,”

“You what?!” Both Marinette and the manager shout at the same time.

“Yes well, it was easy enough to get in touch with the president of the company, when I put in my offer he laughed me off,” Damian shrugs letting the shell shocked man go, “So I called in one of our best lawyers,”

Damian nods to the other customer, who nods back.

“She built a case for us compiling evidence from this store, thank you for full access by the way,” Damian looks smugly at the manager gaping like a fish, “Other lawyers were in charge of inspecting other stores and researching past allegations, and I had some working internationally look at the branches in other countries, the results were not flattering,”

Damian's glare turns cold and piercing. Marinette had been on the receiving end of that glare and would like to think she handled it better than this guy was.

“Couple that all with the declarations I recorded from you arguing with Marinette,” Damina inclines his head to her, Marinette nods kind of dumbly, “And we had quite the case to shut the business down, you can guarantee the Wayne influence and lawyers would prevent this all from being swept under the rug,”

“Wayne?!”

“Yes, and as you can imagine after we sent through the case file the owner wasn't laughing me off the phone, he agreed to my price,” The man was sweating buckets now as Damian advanced looming over him, “The contracts aren't finalized or signed yet but you can guarantee by the end of the week I will own this place,”

Damian leans over him as the manager tries to sink into the floor.

“So. You. Are. Fired.”

 ---

 “So are you going to teach me the glare that makes grown men pee their pants and run for their lives or do I have to figure it out myself?” Marinette teases, picking through the stocks in the back.

“You wouldn't be able to pull it off,” Damian shoots back, taking the bag she hands him, “An emergency demand was put out for new workers, they’ll be here soon to do this,”

“Oh no you don’t you little rich boy,” Marinette laughs at the face he makes, “You don’t just get to roll through here, throw some money at it and expect your job to be done, you took this company on so show a little responsibility,”

“I am taking responsibility,” Damian scowls, “I fully plan on improving this place,”

“What? By hiring someone to take over with the vague demands of ‘make it better’?” Damian sour look is all the answer she needs, “No way, this is your own responsibility and no one else's, so you need to take a long hard look at what's wrong and figure out how to fix it,”

“If I recall this all is partly your fault,” Damian stacks another bag where she told him too.

“If I recall I didn’t tell you to buy an entire pet store franchise,” Not that she didn’t approve, “But fine, I’ll help you out if you want,”

“I didn’t say that,”

“You didn’t have to,” Damian huffs and looks away, Marinette smiles and picks up a bag of food, “First things first, the food is horrible quality, it’s all filler with little nutritional value,”

“I’ll order new stock right away,” Damian takes out his phone, Marinette snatches it from him.

“Hold on now,” Damian gives her that little put off look she finds adorable, “You have to look at all the problems first then make a plan of action or you're just running around like a headless chicken,”

“Your point?”

“The staff are also underpaid, it’s not enough to live off and certainly not enough to motivate a good work ethic,” Marinette hands back the phone, Damian pockets it, “So before you go around firing everyone that's ever worked here why don’t you try changing the bones of the company then picking out the bad seeds?”

“Alright,” Damian concedes, “... You have a point,”

“Was that tough to admit?”

“The only excruciating part of it is your smugness,”

“Why hello kettle,” Damina gives her a light glare but she just laughs it off.

“All these changes are going to be expensive,” Damian frowns looking through the statistics the lawyers had sent them, “The company was already falling into debt,”

“It needs a hook,” Marinette hums, “Something new and unique that no other chain has…. I got it!!”

She brushes past him, going for her sketchbook and starting the brainstorming process.

“Would you like to share your epiphany?” Damian asks after about five minutes of watching her sketch. “An exclusive pet clothesline!”

“Oh boy,”

 ---

 “See I was right wasn't I?” Marinette finishes fixing the outfit onto Titus.

“I was under the impression you were going to make something vapid and ridiculous,” Damian deflects, looking at the raincoat Marinette had made for Titus, it fit him perfectly and worked well with his fur color as well, “This is at least useful,”

“Wow, that might be a bigger compliment than ‘it’s well made’ or is it?” Marinette cocks her head to the side, “Should I start a ‘Damian's compliments’ tier list?”

“Do not,” Damian calls Titus back to him, taking off the raincoat, “This should at least partly help make up for the new expenses,”

“What changes should we make first?” Marinette follows Damian inside, already sketching new designs into her book.

“There's no point in launching the pet clothes until the company goes through its rebrand, and that will take some time anyway,” They settle in a study they had commandeered to work together in, a sewing machine up near the window, “By the way whats your design fee?"

“Hm… make me a co-owner and we’ll forget about the design fee,” Marinette smiles as Damian doesn't immediately look disgusted by the prospect, “Besides If I recall this is partly my fault,”

“Fine co-owner,” Damian rolls his eyes at her, “I guess we’ll be drafting a new contract,”

“Make sure our shares are 50/50,”

“80/20,”

“Awe you’d let me have 80%”

Damian gives her a withering glare with no heat.

“50/50,” Marinette holds out her hand, “Equal,”

“... Equal,” Damian takes her hand, “You better design a lot of clothes,”

“Already on it,” Marinette holds up her new sketchbook, dedicated to just this, “Plus I’ll be part of the planning so let me in on it,”

“I was-” Damian cuts off glaring towards the door, Marinette follows his eye to see Dick and Adrien caught like deer in headlights looking at them with phones held up.

“Adrien!” Marinette starts towards them getting overtaken by Damian as they both start sprinting.

“Delete it or I destroy your phone!” He threatens, chasing them down the hall.

“Already backed it up to several computers!” Dick calls back, disappearing around the corner, the three yells disappearing into the distance. Marinette chuckles to herself, going back to finish up her designs.

--------

No tag list :P

[spencersprentiss]

Best. Present. Ever. (Roommate!Spencer X Reader)

a/n: I know I’m cutting it a little close, but I had this idea and really wanted to get it out. I really hope you guys like it and aren’t to mad at me for putting off “Where is my mind?” for this. Unsub!Spencer doesn’t really scream Christmas. 

Summary: y/n has feelings for their coworker and roommate. So Jack decides to help them out a little. 

Word count: 1310

“Thank you y/n, this means a lot. Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to make it up to you?” Hotch yells from Jacks’ room while helping him get dressed. You pull your vision from your bouncing leg back to the rest of the room. 

“Of course not, I’m happy to help!” You call back as thumps descend the stairs. In seconds Jack is jumping the second to last step and looking back at Hotch. 

“Dad, I’m gonna pee before I leave with y/n!” You’re smiling as he races down the hall towards the bathroom and Hotch sits beside you to put his shoes on. 

“Really, thank you so much. We’re rarely home from a case, and when we are I’m here with Jack. Normally Haley would get all of Jacks’ presents so it just slipped my mind this year.” He lowers his voice, to assure his son can’t hear or out of guilt, you can’t tell. You rest your hand on his shoulder and sigh. 

“I know, but hey, we’re all here to help and I promise. You just get through this, and it’ll all get easier from there.” He nods and wipes the tears from his eyes.  

“I’m ready!” Jack yells, bounding toward you and pushing you back on the couch. “I missed you.” He states as his arms squeeze your shoulders tightly. Hotch smiles at the display of affection from his son. 

“I missed you too little man!” You laugh and start to tickle him. “You wanna come with me to pick up my gift for uncle Spencer?” You ask as his laughter dies down. He nods enthusiastically and you grin. 

“Let’s get going!” He grabs your hand and pulls you off the couch.  

--

"Did you get it?" Your voice rings cautiously from the door. You bite your lip and tighten your grip on Jacks' hand in anticipation. 

"Yes! Oh god y/n it's perfect. He's going to love it!" Oz calls across the shop and you drop Jacks' hand, taking off in a sprint. 

"Let me see!" You yell as Jack makes his way to the kids spot in the back of the store to pet the cat. 

"Original press, perfect condition, y/n it's an original copy." Her voice fills with amazement as you take the book from her hand. The Works of Edgar Allan Poe inscribed in gold on the blue felt spine. 

"I swear, if you don't give him that note that you spent hours writing, I'll kill you." She laughs and your heart drops. 

"What if I give it to him and he says he doesn't love me too?" You ask, running your fingers along the corners of the book. 

"Trust me, he's going to. He loves you kiddo." She smiles warmly at you and you nod. 

"I hope you're right." You huff, the patter of feet cuts off your conversation. 

"y/n, I'm thirsty." Jack smiles up at you and Oz pulls an apple juice from the fridge. 

"So did what I gave you cover it, or do you need more?" You wince at the thought of how expensive the book in your hands should be. 

"I took care of the rest hon, you just tell that boy you love him and give me two dollars for the kids juice." She smiles while pointing at Jack. 

You nod, anxiety still littering your body. 

"Hey, he's going to tell you he loves you too." She pats your shoulder and you smile, giving her the money for Jacks' drink. 

--

"Okay! It's time for presents!" Garcia shouts and you all gather in Rossis' living room. 

Jack sits in your lap as Morgan sorts through the gifts. Lots of laughs and 'thank you's carry across the room as the team opens their gifts. 

"Oh my god-" You hear Spencer inhale sharply and your gaze snaps up. He's looking at the book, grinning like an idiot with tears in his eyes. "You found one." He looks up and you, and your heart clenches at the joy in his eyes. 

"Yeah, took me like five months." You laugh, everyone in the room watching the scene unfold. 

"y/n… this probably cost so much. Why would you do this? I would have taken socks." He laughs and you giggle. Another voice cuts you off before you can speak. 

"Cause that's the stuff you do when you're in love. Right, dad?" Jack looks up from his new art set, courtesy of JJ, to his father. You feel your heart stop, and Spencers' jaw drops slightly. The room stills. 

"How about we go outside?" Hotch laughs, grabbing his son and making a b-line for the back door, the others tailing close behind. 

"y/n?"

"Yeah?" You ask softly, keeping your gaze on the floor. 

"Have you opened your present from me yet?" He asks you, as if it's the simplest thing in the world. You shake your head. "I think you should." 

Your hands are shaking as you take the box from your pile. 

"Didn't I wrap this?" You ask, glancing up at him. He nods, still watching you intently. 

"Wrapped your own present and didn't even know." He nods and you force a laugh. 

When you open the box, you're met with a pair of custom FBI converse that you had asked for a few months prior. It was something you had off-handedly mentioned to Spencer while laying on the couch one night. 

“Spence, they’re amazing!” You smile up at him, and he nods back at the box, telling you to continue. The shoes are placed on a small tin box, one you hadn’t seen in almost two years. 

You make quick work, pushing the shoes away and opening them. Sure enough, the inside is filled with an assortment of things from your childhood. Notes, report cards, pictures, small things you had collected over the 4 years of highschool. 

“I-” The words catch in your throat as you look through all of the things you considered to be long gone. “I lost these when we moved into the new apartment.” You look up at him, and he had tears running down his face to match yours. 

“You were so upset when we lost it in the move. All of the things you kept close were gone. So a few months ago, I tracked it. I know every single person who touched it between the old apartment and now.” A sob escapes you and he bites his lip. “I added a note.” 

He moves to the spot beside you and takes the lid softly from your hand. He pulls a small note from it’s tape, and hands it to you. You look into his eyes, and you see how anxious he really is. 

“I’m not going to read this.” You whisper softly, and set it in the box. He looks shocked, and for a second it feels like you stepped on a puppy. 

“Why not?” He asks, pain is his voice, more tears wheeling in his eyes. 

“Because I wrote you a note too, and now it’s under my mattress, I’m not going to tell you that I’ve been in love with you for five years by giving you a note. And you’re not either. You state, and before you can continue, his lips are on yours.  It feels right. The two of you, like this, holding each other. 

“I love you.” He breathes against your lips. 

“I love you to-” Another voice cuts off yours. 

“Guys! Hurry up it’s fucking freezing out here!” Emily screams, and a shout of ‘language’ comes from Garcia and JJ. You roll your eyes as footsteps carry into the house. 

“Aaron, I’d like to have a chat with your son.” You smile, crossing your arms over your chest. The room fills with laughter and Spence holds your hand. Best. Present. Ever. 

Tags: So i don’t really have a taglist for one-shots because this is my first one, so I’m just going to use the series tags. Please let me know if you don’t want to be tagged for these!

  @fish-on-trees  @pumpkin-goob @reidsmissmatchedsocks​ @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel​ @eva-cadeau​

[ptergwen]

Peter getting drunk for the first time and he does some crazy shit

this was fun to write 😭

“peter! peter, you have to get down,” you call up to him and grab flash’s arm. he was trying to sneak away. “what the hell did you give him? he’s never drank before.”

everyone is over at liz’s for a last minute decathlon practice. flash showed up with two six packs of beer. not to mention, he was late. he said you could all use some liquid courage before the competiton tomorrow. the group swarmed him for their bottles. you and ned were the only ones who passed.

peter didn’t explicitly say he wanted any, but flash tossed him one. he also took the bottle opener mj offered him. you were shocked to say the least. drinking is so unlike him, especially the night before a competition.

“you don’t have to act cool for him, pete. if you don’t-“ “i wanna try it. besides, i have a high tolerance,” he reassures you and sniffs the liquid. “ew.” you and ned share a worried look while he downs his first sip.

two bottles in and he’s perfectly fine. the study session has become a drunk game of truth or dare. betty asks peter something embarrassing, so he grabs another beer. there are extras since you and ned didn’t take yours. that’s when you discover there’s a loophole in his high tolerance.

he can handle a lot, but not this much all at once. you’re surprised he hasn’t passed out or worse. he’s had five beers in an hour. no human can drink that much at once. no sixteen year old can for sure.

he’s leaning all over you and leaving sloppy kisses on your face. you can’t enjoy any of it because he’s so not himself. ned brings him a bottle of water at one point, but he pushes it away.

everyone is starting to sober up except peter. they keep playing truth or dare, anyway. it’s pretty calm until liz dares peter to jump into the pool. you’re pretty sure he won’t do it. there’s no way he can stand up, let alone go swimming.

he proves you wrong. he stumbles all the way up to the roof. in liz’s defense, she never said where he had to jump from. the rest of you are yelling to him from the ground. not even flash finds this funny, but he also doesn’t want to be involved. he’s not getting blamed for this.

ned taps your shoulder. “what should we do? should we... should we call the fire department?” you throw your hands up. “he’s not a cat!” betty grimaces and looks at the pool over her shoulder. “all he can do is jump.” “and what if he gets hurt? it’s a long way down,” you point out.

“you can’t feel shit when you’re that drunk,” mj says with full confidence. liz puts a hand on her shoulder to shut her down. “um, what if we guide him?” “ok, yeah. that could work,” you agree, ned nodding quickly. it’s her house, so she has the best idea of how to do it.

“hey, peter?” you try to get his attention. he’s walking around in a circle. well, if you can call it walking. “i’m jus’...” he takes a step forward. everyone gasps. “i’m gonna do it.” liz cuts in. “we’ll help you, okay? you have to be careful you don’t-“ he jumps off the roof before she can finish explaining.

betty screams, mj cusses, you and ned hold each other. liz rushes over to the pool, where peter thankfully landed. she leans over to see him. “he’s okay, guys! i think.” “i killed parker?” flash whispers to himself and claps a hand over his mouth.

you let go of ned and crouch down at the edge of the pool. liz goes back with everyone else to give you two a moment. peter is on his back and floating in the water.

“peter? are you okay?” he stands up in the pool again. he rubs at his eyes. “i feel like pee.” you’d laugh if he didn’t almost die a few seconds ago. “i don’t know what that means, but as long as you’re alright.” you give him a sad smile.

he swims up to you and grabs your shirt so he can move closer. it’s drenched now, but that’s your last issue at the moment. his hands stay on your waist.

“cuz i’m all wet.” peter drops his voice to a whisper. “and i peed a little.” “we’ll find you some new clothes,” you say softly and take both his hands in yours. he tugs on each of your fingers like a kid would. you’re too preoccupied giving flash a look to care. “i’m telling mr. harrington tomorrow.” his mouth drops open.

“snitch!”

[holylulusworld]

Man's Best Friend with Benefits

Summary: A killing spree brings the Winchesters back to St. Louis, Missouri.

Pairing: Dean x Witch!Reader; Familiar!Eric x Witch!Reader

Characters: Sam Winchester, Familiar Portia, Spencer

Warnings: angst, language, characters death, mentions of murder/sacrifices/witch stuff in general, jealousy, tension, smut, unprotected sex, light dom!reader, light sub!dean, woman on top , a hint of cockwarming

Kinktober special: Dom/Sub

A/N: Yes, Eric is Eric Northman from True Blood. I couldn’t imagine a better vampire to turn into a familiar. I just liked his black leather style, and it matched the readers style.

Divider by @writeyourmindaway

Kinktober 2020

“Why again do we have to help Portia?” you had better plans than to sneak around a cheap motel in the middle of the night. “What does she want at a place like this? Shouldn’t she with her witch?”

Your familiar purrs, rubbing his head against your calf. “Hey, only as you and that dog had a thing going on years ago doesn’t mean you can drag me out here in the middle of nowhere to stalk her.

Your familiars’ neck hair gets erected when he senses danger to Portia. His reaction is to transform into a human form to burst through the door.

You follow him silently, shaking your head at his bad manners.

“Great idea, Eric. Just storm into a room only to meet the barrel of a gun,” you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. “Tell me again why I let you stick around,” you round your familiar, ogling his ass before you slap it harshly. “Yeah, you’re eye candy.”

Playfully you slide your hand over the gun aimed at Eric’s head, tutting the hunter who looks at you confused and bewildered. “Hey there, pretty boy. My friend and I were looking for a friend of a friend and I think you found her.”

“The dog?” The shorter hunter lifts a brow, still not lowering his gun. “Why would you look for her? Is this a conspiration?”

“Let her go,” Eric snarls, stepping closer. He ignores the gun, rather bumps his chest against the hunters. “I know you wanted to hurt her.”

“Eric,” Portia’s soft voice calms the angry familiar but, he won’t budge. “You must protect Y/N, not me.”

“Protect who?” The hunter asks, glancing at you. He’s giving you a once over, a dirty grin on his lips. “I’d like to protect you too, sweetheart.”

You snicker, patting his shoulder before you turn your attention toward Portia again. “Don’t hurt yourself, pretty boy. I’m here to help a friend, not to find a new bodyguard.”

“That’s what the guy is? Your bodyguard?” You don’t reveal your true nature or that Eric is so much more than a bodyguard. “Alright. Who are you and what do you want?”

“I’m Y/N, that’s Eric, my bodyguard,” you slide your hand over the hunter’s shoulder, keeping an eye on the taller man who seems to be calmer. “Portia is the friend of a friend. He’s missing her and called me.”

“Don’t even think about it, hunter,” you hiss at Eric’s words, giving him a warning glare. “He stared at your ass.”

“Many men stare at my ass, Eric. Stop causing trouble. We are all friends here, right,” you smile at the hunter who’s more interested to drink your outfit in than to shoot your familiar.

“I like her outfit, is all,” he’s cocky, you give him that. “Never saw a girl combine leather pants with a skirt and combat boots. I like it.”

“Dean, don’t,” the other hunter groans but Dean looks at you like a needy puppy, and you chuckle, patting his cheek. A low whine leaves his lips, and you know, he’s not a threat to you or your familiar.

“It’s fine.” You press your lips to Dean’s ear, licking it to force another whine out of his throat. “I’ll tell you a secret, Dean.”

“You will?” Dean’s voice is hoarse when you place one hand onto his chest, slowly drawing circles with your index finger. “Really?”

“I’m wearing leather jeggings, not pants.” Patting his cheek, you turn your attention toward Portia. “Now come with us and stop bugging hunters with our problems. If you need help, ask your kind.”

“Your kind?” Dean pants, eyes glued to your face when you wave your finger at Eric who slowly stalks toward you. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Show him, Eric.” You click your tongue and Eric turns back into a black cat. He’s glaring up at Dean who sneezes immediately. “You see, Portia is worried about her friend James.”

“We already heard about it, sweetheart. He turned into a full-time witch cop or something,” Dean grumbles, sneezing once again. “Can he turn back? I’m allergic.”

“Aw, poor hunter,” you coo, running your fingers along Dean’s neck. “Just relax. Look into my eyes and stop sneezing.”

“What the…?” Eric snarls. “It’s gone…aw-crap. No…no fucking no,” Dean jumps backward, aiming his gun toward your head this time.

“Now, that’s not nice, pretty boy,” you purr, giving Dean a soft smile. “Guess the cats out, Eric.” Your familiar groans, turning back into human form. “Yes, Dean. I’m a witch, just like your friend James. Unlike the blood-thirsty black magic slaves, I prefer to use my powers to…well…”

“Kill people?” Dean asks, hating he started to like you. “I get that, witch.” He’s unlocking his gun, ready to end your life. “Pity. I liked your outfit. Shame to ruin it.”

“Gosh, why are all hunters into killing me?” you dip your head, lips formed into a pout. “I’m not killing people. You can call me karma witch.”

“Karma witch?” You picked Sam’s interest. “What does that mean?”

“I’m a punisher if you want to call it like that,” you waltz toward Dean moving your hand to his gun to lower it. “When a witch breaks a rule like using magic in public or killing one of our kind, I’m there to punish the bad boy…or girl.” Dean shivers when you slide your nose along his neck.

“You’re like a witch cop or something?” You laugh at Dean’s choice of words. “I mean, witches kill people all the time.”

“Not in my town, cowboy. We have rules here. Not all witches live in the past. Nowadays we prefer not to sacrifice virgins or eat hearts.” Shuddering Dean looks at you when you start to laugh. “You should see your face, Dean. God, he believed I ate hearts, Eric.”

“I did, once or twice,” Eric grumbles, looking at Portia who tries to turn everyone’s attention back toward the problem she came for. “But I was a vampire back then.”

“Son of a bitch,” Dean curses, eyeing your familiar warily. “What is that thing? A familiar, a man, a cat, or a vampire?”

“Let me explain before we come back to Portia’s problem,” Sam nods, mesmerized by your presence.

“Go ahead before I kill Mr. black leather cat over there,” Eric hisses, close to showing Dean his teeth and claws. “Come on kitty, give it to me good.”

“Don’t tempt me, hunter. I’ll rip you apart with my teeth,” Dean grins at Eric who dares not to move closer to the hunter when you snap your fingers.

“Enough, Eric. Where are your manners? Stop the peeing contest and concentrate on the task at hand. Portia needs our help, we will help. Now let me tell the hunter your story and we can all go to James and find out if he did what everyone believes.”

“Do you purr when she crawls your ears, kitty boy?” Dean mocks again.

“Well, at least she crawls my ears,” Eric smirks, licking his lips lazily. “She’s the best at crawling my ears, hunter boy.”

“Alright,” you snap your fingers to turn Eric back into a cat. “Time out for you, Eric.”

“I’m sorry for my brother,” Sam shrugs. “He can be like a toddler when he’s jealous.”

“I’m not,” Dean grits out. “Kitty boy started the war.”

“Back to the story,” you pick Eric up, gently rubbing his back. “Eric used to be human, but he got turned into a vampire centuries ago. He lived like that, always hiding in the dark until he met a girl, she was special, but it ended in his death. I found his lost soul in the ether. A place where go if the big guy up the hasn’t decided where you end up. Eric did shitty things during his time as a vampire, but he sacrificed his life to save people.”

“I still don’t like him,” Dean looks at Eric in your arms and he swears, that cat just grinned at him when you crawled its ears. “Look at his face.”

“Anyways, I was looking for someone else. I needed answers but the soul was hiding from me that night. I found Eric, he was lost and just wanted to know where he’ll end up. Heaven, hell, the big empty.”

“I get it. The anticipation of death is worse than death itself,” you nod, smiling as Dean understand Eric’s feelings.

“I used a binding spell to bring his soul back and carried him in my chest until I found his body. I couldn’t let him stay a vampire, so I used a powerful spell and turned him into a familiar.”

Dean smirks, looking at Eric who stretches his body. “…and now he’s your kitty boy.”

“Dude, can you just not,” Sam sighs, shaking his head at Dean’s antics. “We should try to help James, Dean.”

“He’s a witch, Sammy. No one forced him to dive into that shit. James did it on free terms. If he’s in trouble, it’s his fault.”

“Why can’t you see not all witches are evil?”

“You see, here’s the thing…witches…” Dean clears his throat, “…not real fans, sweetheart. No offense. I’m sure you and Mr. kitty boy are nice but…”

“Moments ago you wanted to go for a wild ride with me, Dean,” you purse your red lips, mischief in your eyes. “Pity you are afraid of strong women. Such a shame,” you slide your hand over his chest up to his shoulder to grip him tightly. “I could’ve shown you there is a good boy inside of this cocky hunter.”

“Good boy,” Dean sweats. His Adam’s apple bobbles and you can see the curiosity in his eyes. “I…I just…”

“Back to James, Portia. Tell me everything on our way to my apartment. I don’t think you’ll find help among hunters,” you hold out your hand, smiling when Portia trustingly places her hand into yours. “Let’s get out of here…”

“Why are they here?” Eric hisses. His eyes narrow and you can feel the tension getting thicker anytime Dean grins at your familiar. “We could’ve solved the case without their help.”

“They know James better than I do, Eric. Let’s listen to Portia and decide later.” Portia nods, clearing her throat before she finally gets the chance to tell you about James and his nightmares.

“Well, something’s been happening to James. It started with headaches, screaming sounds in his ears, nightmares. He’s unable to sleep, think or work. I had hoped you can find a way to help him.” Portia continues, tells you he saw the murders before they happened. Your eyes meet Dean’s, and you know he believes James is guilty of murder.

“Sounds like someone tries to use his powers against him. I had a case like five years ago. A young and powerful witch suddenly dreamed she’s hurting her husband. One night, it happened for real. Everyone believed it was her slicing his throat open, I didn’t,” you explain, opening your spellbook. “There is a spell to plant memories into the person’s memory.”

“Wait…you mean, well shit,” Dean falls onto your favorite armchair, glancing around the room as you recite the spell and how it’s done. “So, someone is influencing James to make him look like a killer.”

“Exactly, Dean. You’re such a smart boy,” Dean swallows thickly. His pants feel too tight out of the blue and he needs to cover his ‘little problem’ with his hands. “But not anyone can use the spell. It must be someone powerful.”

“Your choice was bad, Spencer,” you slide your witch killing blade out. “Eric, bring James and Portia out. This is my game.”

“Little witch believes she can kill me,” Spencer cackles, throwing his head back. “I will kill you, Y/N. No one is more…” You use your powers to slam Spencer into the wall. Suprised he gasps when you hold him there. “Impossible.”

“No, sweetheart. This is my fate, you know. With every punishment, my strength grows. I’m a woman on a mission. We used to be powerful, graceful even. Now, look around this town. Rotten to the core,” you sigh. “I will end you fast. That’s more than you deserve.”

“Y/N,” Dean gasps when you ram the blade into Spencer’s chest, ending his life painless.

“He deserved to suffer, but that’s not my style, you know,” Dean nods when you step away from Spencer, chanting a spell. “His soul, I’ll send it to the empty. The place where angels end and powerful creatures like me…”

“Why are you here Dean?” you smirk, watching Dean walk into your apartment. He’s unsure, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “Does my good boy want to stay a little longer?”

His green eyes sparkle when you close the door, leaning against the wood to give him a once over.

“I…what you said…I…fuck…I mean. It was incredibly hot when you ordered me around,” you nod, stepping closer to Dean. He’s eying you warily when you slide your leather jacket down your shoulders, throwing it onto the couch.

“I want you in your underwear in 60 seconds. I’ll get something and if you are not in your boxers on my bed, I’ll get angry,” you purr, sliding your hand over Dean’s chest. “60 seconds, pretty boy…”

Dean pants, looking at his watch when you walk into the bedroom, wearing nothing but your panties and a bra. His cock twitches in interest when you slam the door shut.

“Don’t worry, Dean. Eric is not here tonight. I gave him a week off to do what familiars do.” You dip your knee into the mattress, eyes trained on Dean’s face when you slide your hands over his thighs.

“God,” you enjoy the groans leaving the hunter’s lips when you crawl between his legs, looking up at Dean. “I…I never gave up control before.”

“Just relax, Dean. I will not do anything you don’t want to. I want you to tell me your safe word,” Dean laughs nervously but he manages to choke ‘Impala’ out. “Impala got it. If I do not understand the word, say ‘red’ and I stop.”

“Okay…red. I get it,” Dean watches you run your hands over his chest. Anticipation taking over he moans, wanting to feel you touch him where he needs it the most.

“Look at you, already wanting it to end,” you purr. You grip his waist, leaning over the hunter to place a soft kiss above his belly button. “Just enjoy, Dean. We will only have sex tonight. No crops or the things I like to use.”

No woman ever touched Dean like you before. He’s putty in your hands when you crawl up his body to kiss along his neck, leaving little love bites.

“You smell good,” he nervously chews on his lower lip when you press a searing kiss to his collarbone. “Is that cream, perfume?”

Your lips wrap around one nipple and Dean looks at you wide-eyed. Licking around his other nipple you smirk as you can feel his erection press against your belly.

“Such a good boy. You’re so hard for me, baby.”

“Hard,” Dean pants. “All for you, Y/N.”

“All for me tonight, Dean. Now just enjoy and let me have you,” nodding eagerly Dean watches you hook your fingers into the elastic of his boxers. You drag the fabric down his body, a seductive smile on your lips when his cock springs free.

You throw his boxers over your shoulder, smiling when Dean looks down at you. On your knees you crawl back toward Dean, never breaking eye contact. “Shall I -erm, do anything?”

Shaking your head, you lean over his body, pecking his lips before you open the drawer of your nightstand to get a bottle out.

“For sensitive skin, baby,” Dean huffs when you crawl back between his legs. You unclasp the bottle, adding some lotion onto your hand.

The hunter’s eyes never leave your face when you grasp for his cock to gently run your hand up and down his length. You swipe your thumb over the tip, earning a deep growl when you dip your head to let your tongue take over.

“You taste good, but I want you…now,” Dean nods eagerly, cock already twitching in your hand. “Do you want me to fuck this nice dick?”

“Yes,” the hunter chokes out, looking at you, pleadingly, desperate. “Please…”

“Good boy,” you crawl back up his body, straddling his hips to rub your soaked pussy over his dick. “Feel this? That’s all for you, Dean.”

“Oh-god,” wetness coats his length and Dean is close to losing his cool when you raise your hips, gripping his cock with one hand to line him up with your dripping entrance.

You take him in, inch per glorious inch but it’s not enough for you. Your hands grasp for his waist when you slam down the last inches. Dean gasps, feeling your walls clench tightly around him.

“You feel so good, Y/N.”

You dig your knees into the mattress, lean forward over Dean, and rest on your elbows. His eyes search your face when you still your movement to feel his length press against your deepest point.

“Fuck,” you slowly rock back and forth. “You make me feel so full.” There is a cheeky grin on Dean’s lips when you wrap your arms around his neck to kiss him fiercely. The hunter relaxed underneath you, just taking what you are willing to give.

“My pleasure, ma’am,” Dean smirks when you let go of him to grip his shoulders, now bouncing up and down on him. “Can I rub your clit, sweetheart? I’d like to make you feel good.”

“Not tonight, baby, I want you to give in,” you grab his wrists, pin them over his head with your powers when you start to move faster on top of him.

Dean moans your name when you rock your hips faster and faster until he can only give in and fall back against the pillow.

“I…I…oh-god,” Dean whimpers when you clamp down hard onto his length, squeezing him almost painfully. “Y/N,” cum fills your belly and you whisper ‘good boy’ earning a deep growl from the hunter.

“I must say, you live up to your reputation,” you fall onto Dean’s chest, panting heavily. “Do you want a shower or cuddles?”

“Will you call me unmanly if I say cuddles?” Grinning you peck his lips, before you rest your body on top of Dean’s. “Uh-erm, I’m kinda still inside of you.”

“I have a thing for cock-warming. You’ll get used to my kinks,” you smirk at Dean when you lift your head to meet his gaze. “Oh-yeah I almost forgot to tell you that Sam invited me to the bunker and I thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know you better…”

SPN Forever Tags

@donnaintx

@screechingartisancashbailiff

@fallen-wolf22

@sister-winchesters99

@mogaruke

@the-is13

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————————————–

Dean/Jensen Forever Tags   

@spnfamily-j2

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@deans-baby-momma

@thefaithfulwriter

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@myopiamystical

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@bluecornflowers

@rosalynshields

@nihilismworld

@peaches007

[avengerscompound]

It’s You and Me - Chapter 16

It’s You and Me: A Hawkeye Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Clint Barton x  F!Reader

Word Count:  2306

Rating:  E

Warnings:  action, canon typical violence, mentions of past child sexual abuse

Synopsis: You and Clint Barton go way back.  Since you joined the circus as a child, he took it upon himself to keep you away from the people who really wanted to hurt you.  For years the two of you danced a line between dark and light.

When he chooses light the two of you go your separate ways.

Fifteen years later he tracks you down.  Those feelings the two of you shared never went away, but now he is not only an Avengers but a single father.  Can the two of you make it work after all this time when your lives have gone in such different directions?

A series told in flashbacks and current day.

Chapter 17: Then

Clint was nervous as he followed you along the edge of the rooftops.  Not because he was afraid of being hurt, or getting caught.  You and he had been living in Brooklyn for a few years now in a shitty little apartment in a not great neighborhood and yet things had been going pretty smoothly.  They had a regular gig at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow and Clint even had a part-time job teaching kids trapeze at a trapeze school in Brooklyn.  It was generally enough to pay the rent and utilities and buy food.  On weeks things might get particularly tight because of an unexpected bill or doctor’s visit, you would find some sketchy wall street guy to cat burgle, and the two of you would have enough to make sure you wouldn’t need to do that again for at least a couple of months.

It wasn’t ideal, but the two of you were happy.  He loved being with you, and he loved this sense of stability you had together.

Then around four months ago, things had started to change.  He’d brought up the idea of having kids.  He knew despite the fact he felt his life was more stable than it had ever been, the reality was, you and he were in no position to raise them right now - he just wanted to put the idea out there.  If there was a plan to do it, then maybe you could work towards that as a goal.

You had completely shut down.

“No… no, no, no.  You can’t do this to me, Clint,” you said, moving down the couch away from him and hugging your legs.

He looked at you confused and more than a little hurt.  “What?  You don’t want to have kids with me?”

“I don’t want them at all,” you said.  “I thought you’d be on the same page as me.”

“What?  But why?  I love kids.  Working at the trapeze school is so much fun…” Clint explained.  “You always seem to get on with kids during the show and back when we were at the circus.”

You shook your head.  “I like them fine.  But Clint you should know… what we’ve been through in our lives… why would you want to create a life and put them at risk of repeating that?”

Clint blinked at you.  “But you would never hurt a kid.  Neither would I.  I want to give someone the chance at a happy stable life because of what mine was like.”

“What if something happened to us?”  You said.  “We don’t have any family.  They could end up going into shitty foster homes just like you did.  Or.. or… they …”

You stopped talking and hid your face in your legs.  He moved closer to you and put his arm around you.  He wasn’t sure how he felt.  He’d always seen himself as a dad at some point.  Even when he was young and angry he wanted to have a family … almost like it would be a way to finally fill in that box he’d never been able to check before.  But you didn’t want that, and he loved you.  You’d stuck by him through so much and he’d stuck by you.  To throw that away now when he was happy seemed crazy.

So he dropped it.

The problem was it seemed to cast a shadow over things.  He wanted to move forward but you were pulling away.  And then one day you came to him and said you had a job.  When he pressed you about what the job was or even why you had set one up when money had been fine lately, you wouldn’t talk and just asked him to trust you.

Only he still had that stupid issue with trust.

He tried though.  He had gone along with it and followed you into the mouth of the lion completely unsure if it was an old circus cat trained to keep his jaws apart or a young wild animal ready to tear you both apart.

After jumping over more rooftops than he’d care to count, you stopped suddenly and indicated for him to drop.  The two of you crept to the edge of the roof and peered over the roof to the one over from you.  There were a group of people standing around a bunch of crates talking.  Some were armed with guns, but he noticed the sword hanging from a large man’s hip.  He narrowed his eyes and slowly it dawned on him. 

“Is that Jacques?”  He whispered.

“Yes,” you said in a soft growl.

“What’s in the crates?”  Clint asked.

“It’s not important,” you said.  “It’s not why we’re here.”

Clint turned his attention from the group on the roof to you.  You opened and closed your hand on the hilt of your sword as you stared daggers at Jacques.  “Why are we here?”  Clint asked.  You didn’t reply, but your fingers twitched on the sword.  “Sugar… why are we here?”

“Revenge,” you seethed.

Clint’s jaw dropped open and he grabbed your arm, spinning you to face him.  “That’s not what we do.  If you wanted to get back at him, you should have just called the cops. Obviously whatever he’s doing is illegal.”

“After what he did to me?  To us?” You hissed.  “He broke your leg and left you for dead, Clint?  You told me that yourself!  And you’re just going to let him go about hurting other people?”

“This isn’t the way…” Clint implored.  “Come on.  Let me just call the cops and we’ll leave them.”

“I need to do this, Clint,” you begged.  “Please.  You want this life with me, and I can’t… I want you to have it, but I can’t if he’s out there.”

Clint was going to try and reason with you more, or beg you not to do this when a commotion on the roof drew his attention.  A group of people burst through the stairs with their weapons drawn.  They looked like government agents - feds or CIA - and everyone was shouting as they swarmed onto the roof.

Chaos broke out.  Swordsman and his group scattered, trying to escape the agents swarming the roof.

“He’s getting away!”  You shouted and jumped out, bounding over the roof after Swordsman.

“Sugar wait,” Clint shouted.  He took off after you, quickly nocking and loosing arrows, taking out anyone that came close to you.

A helicopter swooped in, lighting up the area as a firefight broke out.

Clint kept his attention on you.  He didn’t want you to kill anyone.  Even Jacques.  Especially Jacques.  As much as the Swordsman had been responsible for so much pain, he was also one of the only father figures Clint had.

“Sugar!  Stop!”  He shouted as he followed after you.

You and Jacques began to duel, your swords flashing with the light from the chopper.  “You think you can best me, girl?”  Jacques sneered as he cut your bicep.  You flinched and he took the opportunity to run again.  At the same time, one of the agents aimed his gun at you.  Clint reacted without thinking.  He loosed his arrow and it clipped the agent’s gun barrel sending the shot wild.  At the same time, two agents tackled him to the ground and wrestled the bow out of his hands.  You spun around and screamed his name.

“Run!”  Clint shouted, but it was too late, another agent grabbed you and knocked you down, sending your sword flying as he pushed a gun barrel into the back of your head.

“Don’t struggle and we won’t have any reason to shoot you,” one of the agents growled.

“You’re letting Jacques get away,” Clint argued, as they dragged him to his feet.

“How about you worry about the prison time you’re about to do,” the agent growled.

Clint’s shoulders ached.  He felt like he’d been sitting at this bare metal table with his hands cuffed for hours.  He worried about you.  No one would tell him where you were or if you were okay.  People would come in and ask him questions and then leave again.  He hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink and his bladder felt like it was going to explode.

A guy with an eyepatch came into the room with a tray of food.  Two agents that could practically have been twins flanked the door.  “You must be getting hungry,” eyepatch said, putting the tray just out of Clint’s reach.

“Need to pee,” Clint grumbled, squirming in his seat.

“You haven’t let him use the bathroom?”  Eyepatch said, looking at the agents.  When neither reacted, eyepatch uncuffed him from the table.  “Take our friend to relieve himself.  We aren’t animals.”

Clint hadn’t appreciated a piss as much as he did that one in his entire life.  By the time he was wrestled back to the table, he was already feeling a little more comfortable.

“So,” eyepatch said, pushing the tray over to him.  Clint grabbed the bottle of iced tea off it and popped the cap, swallowing the sweet liquid in large gulps.  “We’ve been asking around, and the only one of the group who even knows who you are was the girl with the sword.”

“Is she okay?”  You asked.

“Nasty cut on her arm.  Needed stitches,” eyepatch said.  “She’s in our medbay.”

“Who’s our?”  Clint asked, taking a bit from the meatball sub on the tray.

“We’re asking the questions, Mister Barton,” eyepatch said.

Clint choked on the bread and took another drink to clear his throat.  “How do you know my name?”

“We know a lot of things, Clint,” eyepatch said.  “Can I call you Clint?”  Clint shrugged.  “The names, Fury,” eyepatch added, offering Clint his hand.  Clint shook it awkwardly before going back to the food.  “For example,” Fury continued.  “We know you were in the circus with Duquesne.  So if the two of you came from the same place how do you explain your being there if you didn’t have anything to do with the rest of them?”

“Like you said; we know Duquesne.  I’d say the reason we were there was not far from the reason you were there,” Clint snarked.

“You shot at one of our agents,” Fury said.  “Doesn’t seem like we were on the same side.”

“I knocked his gun off course so he wouldn’t shoot my girlfriend,” Clint said.

“You expect me to believe you made that shot intentionally?”  Fury snarked.

Clint took the lid from the iced tea and flicked his wrist.  “Camera, thing one, thing two,” Clint said as it spun through the air.  It hit the security camera cracking the screen.  The two guards turned to look at it and it ricocheted off and hit the first one in the forehead, bounced up, and came down right on top of the second one’s head.

“Mister Barton,” Fury said.  “I want to offer you a job.”

Clint hurried into the medbay, still being flanked by the twins.  They left him at the door and Clint rushed to your hospital bed where you were sitting, handcuffed.

“You okay?”  He asked, patting you over like he was checking for breaks.

“I’m fine.  Just some stitches.  I don’t even know why they’re keeping me here,” you said.  “Mind games, probably.”

“They offered me a job,” Clint said.

You looked at him and tilted your head.  “What?”

“I know, right?”  Clint said.  “They said I’d be an asset to the organization.  Imagine us - spies.”

“Spies?”  You asked.

“Yeah,” he said.  “We’d make so much money and … we could get a house.  And a dog… Maybe even… if you wanted to… kids?”

You opened and closed your mouth like a goldfish.  “I - I can’t… I can’t join them.  Clint… they’ll control us.”

“It won’t be like that…” Clint argued.

“How do you know?  How do you know what it’s going to be like?”

Clint shook his head.  This was not going at all how he expected.  “But it’s you and me… that’s how it is.”

“Clint, I can’t let people control me like that.  I can’t.  Why do you think I do the things I do?”  You asked.

“Because we have to… to get by,” he said.

“No,” you said with a hollow laugh.  “I can’t trust people Clint.  Only you.  I don’t even trust the manager at a McDonald’s to not try something.  If I steal shit, I’m the one in control.”

“Sugar… I want to do this,” he said.

“Then… then I guess you better do it without me,” you said.  “I can’t… I can’t…”

Clint sight.  “Well, maybe… maybe we can… I’ll take care of you.”

You laughed again.  That same hollow sound as before.  “Sure, Clint.  The spy and the thief.”

“Are you saying you want to break up?”  Clint asked.

You shook your head.  “That’s not what I’m saying.  I want you to choose me.”

“But… but they said… they said if I don’t take the job I’m gonna go to prison,” Clint said.

“What?  See Clint?  I’d rather go to prison than take that option,” you said, a tear rolling down your cheek.

He leaned in and kissed you deeply, cradling your jaw.  He wanted it to reassure you that it would be fine.  And maybe it would in the sense that neither of you would end up in jail for this, but it wasn’t going to be okay between you.  He pulled back slowly and looked down at you.  “I’ll make sure we both get out of here.”

He strode out of the room and was met by Fury in the hall.  “I’ll join,” Clint said.  “But you need to let her go and leave her alone.”

“Great,” Fury said, clapping Clint on the shoulder.  “Come along Agent Barton, you’ve got some papers to sign.”

// NEXT

[felswritingfire]

First Parent up is Horkeu Kamui! I hope these satiates those who requested for him for a bit, I’m still getting a feel for his character! 

Under the cut for length!

Word Count: 2429 

Horkeu Kamui

IF YOU WANTED TO HAVE/RAISE BABIES, HE’D BE SO HONORED ABOUT IT

He’d probs go off into a spiel about it and you’d have to sit through this hour long talk of him shooting off about how humbled he is that “you’ve chosen this Horkeu Kamui to sire your children, my Hero- it is the highest honor-”

He’d probs end up with with three little babies, all of them boys, the oldest is two years older than the twins and all of them are extremely overprotective of you when they get older

He’s ecstatic when you bring home your first boy. He’s always been enamored with the thought of a family and now here’s the start of one with his beloved hero. He’s honestly euphoric about it 

You’d think that he'd be an amazing dad with zero problems since he’s had a history of raising heroes- but, here’s the thing, he has zero clue how babies work because when he gets the heroes, they’re usually all older then, you know, little kiddos. So when you hand him your guys’ first boy for the first time, he just, let’s him lay in his arms too afraid to move because what if he drops him????

You have to lead him by the hand for a bit, which he’s a little embarrassed about, real talk, until he gets the hang of it- which he does, he gets it real quick

He’ll try his best with diapers, but,,, my guy- the dude has a sniffer, what, 100xs better than ours??? So like, he’s coming out of that shit (haha) with tears in his eyes and a migraine. So I suggest you doing it just to spare him and then just comfort him afterward, because a Kamui who’s in pain is… well, painful to see

He does everything else tho!

He loves dressing your babies up in general! He gets these really cute baby clothes that Bathym designed just for your babies, even tho your first boy would always give him grief about wearing clothes- which killed Kamui because he hates doing stuff that makes your babies uncomfy (he’s really soft for them- like extremely soft for them) 

Your twins tho, love wearing the clothes and he actively sends pictures of them to Bathym who literally flips his lid everytime 

Your older one will try to pull said clothes off of them any chance he gets though, in his two year old words: “Trapped!”

Kamui is distressed and you laugh at his distress, which just distresses him even more because:

“My Hero, are you taking a video of this?” “Yes” You say as you continue to hold up your phone, a bright smile on your face. 

He’s struggling with pulling your biggest boy off of your youngest son who’s fighting to keep his shirt on.

With your guys’ babies, they slept in their crib until they started figuring out how to crawl out of it (especially when they all respectively start walking) to get to you guys; you thought that this was just going to be a trend with your first born- but no, he started breaking out the twins and you two almost shit when you both woke up when you felt shifting on the end of the bed that ended up crawling up until your guys’ chest, Kamui tensing, and then you two open your guys’ eyes and there’s three sets of sparkling eyes staring down at you. Suffice to say, Kamui almost launched your boys into the ceiling until he realised who they were. Which they were giggling all the while, your oldest holding the other two up by their waists, until your youngest yawned and flopped down in between you two. And then your middle boy went right after and then your oldest boy rolled your middle out of the way and squashed him up to your youngest, proceeding to curl up against Kamui’s side and knocked out

You and Kamui looked at each other until you shrugged and grabbed the blanket at the end of your bed and pulled it over the boys before you snuggled deeper into the blankets. Kamui promptly followed your lead

When they turn to toddlers, Kamui starts to teach them all how to fight since he wants his boys to be able to protect themselves (and you)

Your first born is, of course, two years ahead of them in his training compared to the twins so he takes it upon himself to help them when they need it so that their papa doesn’t have to worry about them too much, which Kamui is so proud of him for

When he he first took them to the Berserkers colosseum- they uprooted EVERYTHING because all of the gladiators went bat shit crazy when they met the babies; nobody went to do any of the fights, they were all derailed because everyone wanted to say hi to the boys

Kamui was a little worried about his oldest because he almost bit Claude’s hand when he tried to touch his youngest brother, but Claude just laughed it off and started into a spiel about how he would make a great gladiator for the Berserkers one day!

It all changed when he noticed Snow and he screamed and rushed to hug his leg. Snow was shocked and Kamui was trying to pry him off his leg all while saying “Apologies, I should have warned you all, he loves lions and other such big cats.” 

Snow was so flattered that day

The boys are enamored with Pollux and they cheer every time he’d show off his punches, your middle thinks he’s one of the coolest things ever and wants to learn how to punch like him 

Bathym already knows the boys but he’s still so excited to see them and he shows off his moves too, which the oldest tries to copy but he refuses to let go of Snow’s pant leg so he ends up slipping and almost falling but there’s, like, four different sets of hands shooting to keep him from falling; but your youngest is hoping around and toddling towards Bathym and Bathym is MELTING. He ends up holding him the entire time that Kamui is there with them 

They meet Nomad and Macan and your oldest is determined to hold onto all of the cat therians; Nomad complains as he lets him hold onto his pant leg too- Macan he has to be convinced a bit more. “Hah? You wanna get eaten, kid?” 

“Not if I eat you first!”

Kamui almost shit until Macan laughed and wrapped his tail around his arm (which left him sparkly eyed) and said: “you can’t even if you tried.”

Your middle boy noticed this and decided to grab onto papa’s tail and Kamui almost died

All three end up meeting Garmr and they are IN LOVE with him and Garmr gets all the pets and love he could ever want 

They’re all sad to leave and the Berserkers force Kamui to make a promise to bring the three babies back

Kamui is happy too because now he has like, 20 different babysitters. Score.

When they hit the tween years, your oldest is very boisterous and energetic, he bounces off the walls and you have no idea which one of you he got that from. Your other two are very calm, though your youngest is the shyest out of your boys

Your oldest boy is very popular and definitely joins a sports club, something like football, but he definitely goes into wrestling if they have that  (he practices with Uncle ‘Suke who makes him a mask for him, but instead it’s wolf themed). He’s protective of his brothers and the people he cares for, so he doesn’t put up with any bullying on his watch. He will square up if he has too, but it usually doesn’t have to come to that because he’s pretty chill by the end of it 

The oldest comes to Kamui when he needs help with emotional problems, which, might not be the best, but it also is an added oof for Kamui because your oldest has zero filter so when he asks why you have to pee into a girl to have a baby, Kamui almost DIES

  Your middle flits between you and Kamui, luckily he is not one to just hit you with any off the wall questions, so it’s all nice and relaxed when you answer his questions

The little one goes to you with any of his problems. Which can go either way because he’s very similar to Kamui with his social skills, so you’re sometimes sitting there blinking at him trying to figure out how to answer a question 

The boys at this point are becoming more and more protective of you and they are determined to keep you safe and happy. Like, any person even thinks about flirting with you- they’re getting three tweens in their face and it’s terrible because they could all snap a man’s back over their knee and they’re only, what? 13 and 11 respectively (they are huge baby bois, adopted or not) 

Your twins are both much calmer than their older brother, they’re also much closer to their dad’s disposition too, so they tend to be closer to wall flowers- or at least they try; their big brother drags them into the spotlight a lot because he talks about them ALL THE TIME- so they have to put up with their brother’s rambunctiousness a lot

All three of them have a tendency to get in trouble together, your oldest usually runs head first into things while the other two are trying their hardest to get him to not do what he wants to do

There was this one time you and Kamui had to go and get them at three in the morning because your oldest dragged the boys into, what they thought was an abandoned fake haunted house, and your youngest twin called you in near tears as he quickly screeched that: “THE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY HAUNTED- THE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY HAUNTED- MOM/DAD/NANO- COME AND GET US-” And then the message cut out at the sound of your oldest son screaming bloody murder and your oldest twin… also distantly screaming: “DAD. COME AND GET US-” You also heard some… growling??? And more screaming????? You think???? Anyway- you almost shit, and since you were in the living room at the time and Kamui was in your guys’ little home gym you both ended up almost running into each other trying to get out of the house and into the fucking car- 

So, you two get there, ready to murder someone- when you see all three of your boys sitting in front of said “haunted house” just to see Benten of all people yelling at them with Ebisu holding his face in his hands; turns out Benten also thought that the house is haunted and decided to go in their for a video, she also dragged the poor man into it too, and they ended up bumping into a dresser and knocking it over, which set off the boys which caused your son to start swinging, which kicked up a whole bunch of dust, almost got Ebisu punched in the face, and caused Benten to start swinging as well-

Long story short, they were very grounded after that 😔😔😔

By the time they get into high school, your oldest is still loud and boisterous but he’s already on the verge of getting a scholarship for his football and Wrestling and the twins have really committed to their passion: which is MUSIC!

Your oldest twin is in band and plays the French Horn, but he also plays the violin and Bass (Kamui really likes the bass so he learned how to play it just for him ); while your youngest is in choir! Him and his brother get together and do a mini concert just for you two and their older brother- who cried whenever they first played, he was so proud

Their older brother still brags about his little family- it’s actually gotten worse

All of his friends know almost everything about you guys, it’s kinda freaky tbh

Also, you will never forgive Kamui for instilling the instinct to protect you with their lives because they really take their job seriously 

There was this one time where your oldest brought one of his friends over and, aw, poor boy had a big ol’ crush and you and almost got chucked through a window when he tried to be smooth with you by three different giant boys

Kamui just sat with a serene smile on his face as he flipped some pancakes- he’s such a little shit, you swear-

Your boys still like to be near your guys despite being older- like they prefer sticking to you guys than going with their friends

UM, YOUR BOYS TRAIN- despite the boys not focusing on a fighting career or anything of the sort, they still like to be able to stand on par with their big brother so they can help him train- WITH THE RANKERS AND CLAUDE HAD TO REALLY SELL YOU TWO ON IT TO LET HIM TRAIN WITH MACAN BECAUSE, BRO, IF MACAN HURT YOUR BOYS HE WAS GONNA BE TURNED INTO A TIGER RUG BY THE BOTH OF YOu

But he’s actually a really good teacher??? Which shook the fuck out of both of you (and Nomad) 

Speaking of that, your oldest likes training with him, Snow and Nomad the most, while your oldest twin likes training with Pollux and your youngest likes learning from Bathym the most and has some scary ass kicks now 

When your boys do graduate, all of the Berserkers are there to see it and Kamui is so proud of them- he’s not one to cry but he will have this super proud smile on his face and he’ll bring his boys into his arms and squeeze them real tight- your oldest is full on sobbing because he doesn’t want to leave you guys for college; the twins are also sobbing because they don’t want to leave, but they end up going to the same college as their older brother (who is excited AS FUCK ABOUT IT) 

Another really good dad, I think he’d be really fulfilled by the end of it all- he loves his boys to death and he’s so happy you chose to have a family with him- he’s just- ah- so good

[nemesisadraste]

Daily bug.

From : Nemesis Adraste 

To : @cosmomugen

Setting : Lyoko, sometime during season 4.

Pov : Omniscient.

It was a normal day for the warriors. They woke up, took a shower, had breakfast, and then X.A.N.A. attack! The only less usual thing is that they were missing a warrior cause Ulrich was out on a scholar soccer tournament for the weekend. But it's not like that never happened before. They can handle it.

When Yumi arrives at the factory she finds with no surprise that she was the last. Her house was less close to it then Kadic after all. She always feels bad about having to lie to her parents. This feeling had worsened when they stopped using RTTP systematically because her parents actually remember those lies now. But it was for the best. For theirs and Hiroki's safety. Though considering how often they almost… that she almost… Was it really?

- Hey Yumi! Welcome to the party! Said Odd as soon as the elevators' doors opened at the lab level.

- Good morning! Replied Yumi, her dark train finally stopped. What's in it for us today Jérémie?

- Oh nothing special really. X.A.N.A. activated a tower on the mountain sector and hasn't shown himself on earth yet. If you hurry you might stop him before he actually does something so you three go down there asap!

Yumi, Odd and Aelita went in the elevator down to the scanner room and entered in one, ready for the virtualisation. The virtualisation went perfectly as usual… except for one little tiny detail…

- Odd?... What happened to your outfit? Asked Aelita.

Odd looked down at his outfit to realise that his all new all good lyoko outfit has been replaced by his old one that he never really liked. I mean the cat thing wasn't complete without hears and the old outfit wasn't well adjusted to him. It has elephant pants strapped with knee protection, big gloves instead of literal clawed arms, his shoulders weren't covered and for lyoko's sake it had Kiwi peeing on his chest like seriously?!! 

- Einstein what's going on?!! Why do I have my old outfit back?! Is that a joke of yours? Cause the girls still have their new outfit on!

- I have no idea Odd… It must be a bug. Explained Einstein. You sure have a way to collect them.

- Or maybe X.A.N.A. is messing with you, said Aelita with her gentle laugh that'll make anyone forgive her anything.

- Well either way you have to fix this Einstein! I can't go on with my lyoko life with this old stuff on me.

Would you stop over dramatising for a sec Odd? I will fix this when I'll have the time I promise, but right now we have a tower to deactivate so focus on that ok? 

- Ugh fine. There is no reflective thing on the mountains anyway so I'll try to forget that I'm badly dressed.

- You're too kind, sarcastically replied Yumi. 

- I know, I know… Now let's get over it! The sooner we finish, the sooner Einstein can get my good outfit back!

- If Ulrich was here he'll probably tell you how well placed your priorities are. Remind the princess.

- Well he's not here so it's too bad. 

- I can take a picture and send it to him so he doesn't miss out on this. Offered Aelita. I'm sure he would enjoy it!

- Don't you dare! 

- Oups… too late! Bluffed Aelita.

- Unsend it! I won't hear the end of it if he sees it!

- Don't worry I was just kidding! Assured Aelita. I'm not evil.

- I'm sorry to interrupt you, but there are monsters coming your way. Warned Jérémie.

The rest of the mission went fine. They killed monsters and deactivated the tower without any damage done on earth. Not that they were aware of at least. So no need for RTTP. Too bad. Odd would have loved to see Ulrich's reaction when he would have suddenly gone back in time without warning.

That night, like almost every night, Jérémie didn't sleep. His work didn't end with the missions. He had to find new stuff against X.A.N.A., made sure the upgrades went perfectly with the current codes and system, worked on how to free William from X.A.N.A. and found Hopper, and as if this wasn't enough, now he had a bad outfit day to take care of. To be fair he understood Odd's frustration, but this was just a ridiculous glitch he would have gladly passed on. He still hadn't found the solution when Aelita entered his room.

- Still not sleeping I see. She said caringly.

- You neither. Observed the genius blond.

- I had another nightmare and I knew you would be awake all night over Odd's fashion problem so I thought I'll come to give you a hand. She said while gently crossing her arms around him from behind and kissing him on the check.

- Guess I can use the help. I kinda miss having you on my screen to talk through my insomnia. Admitted Jérémie.

- I miss those conversations too. Admitted Aelita. I also miss not having nightmares, she added. But you know I'm always here for you anyway right? I might not be available 24/7 on your computer screen anymore, but as much as I can I'll come help you and talk to you anytime you need it. And so are you friends. You don't have to do this alone.

- I know. I guess I'm just used to being alone. Just my computer and me you know. I'm the only one on the team except for you that know how those things work. It would be unfair of me to ask for their help for this and you have been through enough already without having to deal with a fashion crime on a computer.

- The same can be said for you, you know? Laugh Aelita. Also, fixing a little glitch is exactly what I need to forget my nightmares and the more the merrier right! Together we'll fix it in no time!

- If you say so. Accepted Jérémie. Ok let's give Odd his new outfit back before the next mission or he'll be worse than X.A.N.A. to deal with.

- Hmm… said Aelita… while we're on it, maybe we could also upgrade it a little no?

- What do you mean? Asked Jérémie.

- I mean… And she whispered her idea in the blond ear who had to contain himself to not burst laughing and wake up the entire floor and gladly accepted her Idea.

The next mission happened 5 days later. This time, everyone made it to the factory and when Odd got virtualized, he looked at his outfit, happy to see it exactly like before the bug. But that's because he couldn't see the back of it… When Odd started walking, turning his back to the others, they all started laughing. 

- What's so funny? Asked the cat-boy.

- It's a shame you can't see your back, sais Ulrich, because you have an amazing portrait of Einstein with a crown saying "fashion king" in it 🤣🤣🤣

- WHAT?!!!! You're serious?!! How dare you?!!

- Don't blame him, it was my idea. Admitted Aelita. Don't worry Jérémie will take it away in a sec I just wanted Ulrich to enjoy this bug story too. 

- Ha ha very funny… everyone had their laugh so you can take it away now Einstein.

- Wait! Scream Ulrich. Before you do this… Aelita, can you send me a picture of it please? I wanna make it my wallpaper. 

- No problem answered Aelita

- NO! Screamed Odd. Einstein take it away now! He ordered while making sure that Aelita couldn't see his back and took a picture.

- I'm trying but I don't remember how too… I was really tired last night you know… give me a minute or two...

- Hurry!

Like I said, it was a normal day for the warriors. There were a lot like them in the past, and there will be a lot more in the future.

End.

Hi Cosmomugen! Here was my gift for you for the Code Swap project. I hope you liked it! Your prompts was Odd in his original lyoko outfit, Yumi and Jérémie X Aelita so I did a mix of the three… Tell me what you think of it and have a nice day!

[snusbandxknifewife]

Jurdanweek2020 Day 2 pregnancy/labor

Hey y’all so this is based on the story of my birth, because I’ll be damned if my mother didn’t play the part of Jude Duarte while my father acted as Cardan. In this fic, Jude is so sure that their daughter won’t be born on her due date, that she drags Cardan to the mortal world. Things go downhill quickly.

“Cardan shut the fuck up, we are fine!”

Cardan Greenbriar had tried for hours to convince his very stubborn—very pregnant—wife that maybe a trip to the mortal world this close to her due date wasn’t the wisest idea. Naturally, she stomped her foot and crossed her arms over her swollen belly and that was that, off to the mortal world they went.

“Jude, my love, will you at least let me carry your purse?” He would keep trying to help her until she finally snapped and killed him.

Jude wasn’t happy about having to carry a purse now, but she was unable to lean down to strap a knife to her thigh and her breasts had grown too large for her to force a dagger between them without risking injury, so a handbag was her only option to carry her weaponry. Cardan, wisely, had long since decided that questioning his wife’s ability to even wield a knife in her current state wasn’t the smartest move.

She huffed and shoved the bag square into the center of his chest before turning on her heel and waddling her way down the baby aisle of the local Target.

She had no mortal maternity clothing, so she’d settled for wearing a simple dress of flowing silk, held closed by a belt just under her breast and giving way to the large belly that she always kept one protective hand on. Cardan walked closely behind her, his mortal sneakers squeaking against the linoleum floor as he tried not to remind himself that this was very stupid.

Jude Duarte Greenbriar, his wife and the High Queen of Elfhame, had given new meaning to the term stubborn today. As the entire palace tittered with excitement over it being the baby’s due date—she would forever curse herself for sharing that information from her human OBGYN—she’d lost her cool. A strongly worded letter had been sent to every one in her family and any courtier or guard close enough to the royal chambers could hear her screaming at her husband about how “THE BABY WILL NOT BE COMING TODAY SO EVERYBODY CAN JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!”

Then she’d decided that they needed something called a “pacifier,” whatever that was, and next thing he knew they were walking into Target.

Jude had wanted to go alone, but Cardan had been wise enough to insist that Fand and the Bomb accompany them. She’d finally given in, but only once they’d promised to stay out of sight the entire time.

He was, naturally, fucking panicking. Today was their daughter’s due date, and now that Jude had gone and told everyone off, all their family and friends would be preparing for the upcoming Christmas festivities, set for two weeks in the future. They had no way to get in contact with anyone if the worst were to happen.

Jude picked out a set of pink pacifiers with different zoo animals drawn on them. Evidently unsatisfied, she then set about grabbing every baby blanket and stuffed toy she could possibly reach. Cardan was bemused, but chose to hold everything she handed him, rather than fight her.

“Do we need diapers?” She asked, both hands under her belly as she looked over her shoulder.

“Our baby will be fae,” he reminded her. “No need to worry about all that.”

He couldn’t help his snort of laughter as she looked heavenward and thanked the gods.

Then she was back on her quest, looking for something or another that they suddenly, desperately needed for the baby, despite her not even knowing it had existed a few minutes ago. When her eyes catch on a baby pink stuffed lion on the top shelf, she got up on her tippy toes and reached for it, her fingers just barely brushing against its little feet.

Cardan, seeing his wife struggling and being comically taller than her, reached over and plucked the little toy with ease, not noticing how Jude froze when he did.

Her face twisted in anger and disgust and she stomped her foot once more. He, thinking he had somehow offended her by helping her out, was halfway through apologizing before she loudly announced that she thought she’d just peed herself and he needed to go get her new panties while she went to the bathroom.

She left in a flurry of silk skirts and wild hair, headed for the woman’s restroom and leaving her poor husband behind with an armful of baby products and a rogue thought about how uncomfortable it must be for mortals to have to do things like go to the bathroom.

After so long with his Jude, he had come to love all her mortal quirks. Her rounded ears were his favorite part of her body and her dulled senses made it all the easier to surprise her. But he still found himself occasionally wishing that she wasn’t a mortal, now solely because he saw all the discomfort it brought her. Pregnancy had kept her sick and cranky for nine full months. He’d never known a fae mother to have such terrible morning sickness, and he had no idea how mortal women did anything while pregnant, given how often they had to pee.

“I’ll get her the panties.” He about jumped out of his skin when the Bomb popped up behind him, like she’d been lurking just one aisle over and had heard everything.

By this point in the pregnancy, he’d long since learned when he just needed to shut up and go with the flow, so he went about purchasing all the new baby products with a few leaves glamoured to look like mortal money. When he looked up, Target bags hanging from his fingers and handbag firmly situated on his shoulder, his wife was waiting by the exit with her arms crossed.

“The Bomb promised to stay away,” she explained with a scowl. “Why’d she bring me panties?”

“She promised to stay out of sight,” he countered as lovingly as he could in an effort to calm her. “I’d say, as long as she didn’t come in the stall with you, she kept her promise.”

He transferred all the bags to one hand so he could grab hers. Jude, scowl still plastered across her face, took his hand and led him out of the Target.

“I want donuts.” She switched her direction mid-step and started stalking down the sidewalk towards the little donut shop in the same plaza as the Target.

Cardan sat across from her at a two-person table in the donut shop for close to an hour, just watching as she angrily ate three glazed donuts. He’d left their shopping bags outside for Fand to grab and have sent back to Elfhame.

It was as he watched Jude eat her third donut that he began to sense something was amiss. Every so often, his darling little demon of a wife would get inexplicably angrier, her brow furrowing and her nostrils flaring and her teeth grinding down. Then, after a minute or so, she’d go back to her calmer level of pissed off.

As Jude announced that she wanted to go buy something called “pads” for after the baby’s birth, Cardan started paying more attention. He grabbed her handbag and kept his other hand firmly on the small of her back, feeling how she’d tense up for a few minutes and then go back to normal.

Holding Jude’s brand new supply of extra absorbent pads, and the few extra things she’d spent an hour dragging him around the store for, Cardan fully began to panic. Jude’s episodes were getting longer and closer together.

He’d done enough reading to know she was having contractions, and he’d done enough reading to know that when you have contractions two minutes apart, you aren’t getting on a ragwort steed and making it back to Elfhame.

When Jude went to the bathroom again, Cardan was ready for the Bomb.

“She’s in labor,” they announced simultaneously.

“Send word to her sisters and have the healers ready for when we return.” Cardan let out a sigh. “I think we’re having this baby in the mortal world.”

“I’ll call Vivienne.” Just like that, the Bomb was gone.

Cardan could fall to his knees and weep with relief at the reminder that Vivienne lived close. She was only a few minute’s drive away, she would know the way to the hospital, she’d be able to help him get Jude in the damn car.

By the time Jude was out of the bathroom, Vivi had broken a minimum of seven laws to get to them and she was waiting outside the front door, heavy parka pulled up over her pointed ears and dark sunglasses blocking her cat eyes.

“What’s all this?” Jude looked ready to murder Cardan, and he didn’t doubt she could do it even with him having all her knives. “Cardan, I wanted to be alone!”

“Jude, you’re in labor,” he announced, doing his best to keep his voice calm. Internally he was losing it, but he didn’t think that letting her see that would help the situation.

“No I’m no—“ she breaks off with a growl, her face contorting in anger right on time with the counting in Cardan’s head. From his reading and the stories he’d heard, he expected tears or screaming when her contractions got this bad, not to have her hide her pain behind a wall of pure fury.

He opened the car door and threw their shopping bags in, offering a hand to his wife and desperately trying to coerce her into the car. “Darling please, we need to get to the hospital. I don’t know how to deliver a child, and I don’t plan on finding out today.”

“They’re just Braxton-Hicks,” she tries again, almost whining. “I’m not having the baby today!”

“Baby says otherwise,” Vivi calls out from the front seat as Jude once again tenses. “Now get in the damn car, it’s a fifteen minute ride to the hospital.”

“We can’t go to the hospital!” Jude digs in her heels and looks to Cardan with wide eyes, suddenly coming to terms with the fact that they were in the mortal world. “Cardan, our baby has pointed ears and a tail!”

They’d been going to regular OBGYN appointments and seeing ultrasounds of the baby so they’d have an idea of what animal characteristic their child would present, glamouring the doctor after every visit. They knew that their little girl had a tail like her daddy. That would be a fucking problem if the hospital noticed.

“You focus on the hard part and leave the glamouring to me, darling,” he said with a kiss to her forehead.

Vivi had to threaten to knock her out and drag her into the backseat before she finally gave up and climbed in, grumbling the whole time.

“Cardan, start timing.” Vivi threw an old wristwatch over her shoulder and he caught it mid-air, marking the time and then staring at his wife as his sister-in-law did her very best to break the sound barrier with a beat-up SUV.

By the time they made it to the hospital, Jude was silent, save for her episodes of heavy breathing. A minute and a half apart now.

They pulled up to the women’s center and Cardan picked his wife up like she weighed no more than a feather. Vivi sped off, promising to go pick up Heather and return with food and a baby bag, since they were going to be in for the long haul.

Cardan made it to the maternity ward check in and was suddenly faced with the fact that he had literally no idea what to do here. Back in Elfhame, Jude would’ve had the baby in the comfort of their private rooms, with healers waiting on her hand and foot. The sterile smell and white walls of this mortal hospital made him infinitely more nervous than the comfort of their home would’ve.

“Hello sir,” the receptionist lady started, eyeing how he held his wife and how she didn’t seem at all panicked, and deciding that she has another father who had no clue what’s going on. Her tone was somewhere between soothing and mocking, like she’d dealt with this sort of thing all day. “If you’d like to fill out these forms—“

“My wife’s contractions are a minute and a half apart,” he cut her off, his fear somehow taking a backseat and his voice coming out with all the authority of a High King.

The receptionist’s eyes went wide. “I’m sorry, what?”

He maneuvered Jude so he could throw the watch down on the desk. Then he counted down from five and, right on time, Jude tensed with a contraction.

Then it was a flurry of movement, the receptionist throwing the papers to the side and calling for a wheelchair as Cardan stood dumbfounded. A nurse took Jude from his arms and settled her in a wheelchair before running through a set of double doors, leaving him to chase after her.

They ended up in what looked like a little sitting room with a table in the center. Then, as he watched, the nurse hit a few buttons in the wall and the whole room transformed. The two chairs pulled away from the table and the table unfolded into a bed, lowering down enough for Jude to climb up.

His wife was far past claiming that the baby wouldn’t be coming today. She’d gone somewhere within herself, both hands on her belly and focus written in every line on her face.

He helped the nurse undress her and tied her into a hospital gown while they strapped her into a bazillion different monitors. Soon, her heartbeat filled the room and he was watching all the screens, utterly terrified by his confusion.

“Can you give a urine sample?” A small nurse with a sickeningly fake grin asked, holding up a little plastic cup.

“Not with my baby’s head in the way,” Jude grunted in response, her teeth grinding down and one of her hands reaching for her husband’s. “Can you get the doctor?”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad, sweetie, let’s see how far along you are.” Cardan’s brow twitched at the offhanded way she spoke to his wife and he found himself gripping her hand harder to keep her from swinging for the nurse as the woman bent under the blanket, pulling Jude’s knees apart.

She was down there for a few seconds before popping back up, that smile even bigger as she said, “you’re at about nine centimeters. Don’t you worry at all, I’ll go get the doctor!”

Cardan, unaccustomed to speaking to many mortals, would’ve never thought twice about her words, if it weren’t for the way Jude snorted at the nurse all but sprinted out of the room.

“She’s lying,” Jude observed, sounding callous.

“My love?” He turned to her, new fear sprouting in his stomach.

“The nurse is lying about how dilated I am.” She nodded after where the woman had run out. “They have you start pushing at ten. She checked me and then said I was a nine and ran. That’s what they tell you when you’re at a ten and the doctor isn’t here.”

That comment leaves his mouth tasting like ash and she must see something amusing in the way his face changes, because she gives a little laugh.

For the next ten minutes or so, nobody came in except for one nurse who tried to force Jude again to give a urine sample, only getting blood and one pissed off couple for her efforts.

Jude turned onto her left side and Cardan sat on the bed by her hip, fingers carding through her hair and opposite hand rubbing her back to help her through a contraction.

They were like this when the door slammed open and a man, wearing a suit that most definitely wasn’t even close to sterile scrubs, ran in.

“I’ll be right back!” His hair was wild and his jacket half off as he held out both hands, almost like he was telling them both to wait. Just that quickly, he was gone again.

“What in the hell—“ Jude broke off with a groan and her heart rate spiked. Cardan may not know a lot, but he wasn’t that stupid, he knew this baby was coming soon.

A minute or so later, the door crashed open again and the doctor skidded into the room sideways, his scrubs pulled up to his elbows and a nurse tying on his cap as he finished adjusting one of his gloves.

“Let’s have a baby!”

Cardan watched in fascination as the man picked up what looked like a magic wand with a bulb on the end. He held it high above his head and pressed a button, causing the bulb to flash and all the lights to come out of the ceiling and angle towards the wand. The doctor then ordered the nurses to get Jude on her back and aimed the lights between her legs.

“Jude, did you see that?” Cardan asked, his jaw on the floor as he battled between awe at mortal technology and amusement at how his wife was now lit up like a stage. “The lights followed him!”

“I’m a little busy!” Jude hissed back and Cardan suddenly remembered that, oh yeah, his wife was literally in labor, and he should probably be paying attention to that instead of the lights.

“Shit, sorry!” He gripped her hand once more and kissed her forehead.

The whole room was alive with movement as the doctor got Jude in the right position and she began to push. One nurse was watching the monitors, keeping an eye on both mom and baby. Another was trying to force Jude to take some oral medication called Tylenol, because she had nothing to ease her pain, and Jude was batting her away. A third nurse held an oxygen mask to Jude’s face and kept one of her legs back.

Cardan held his wife’s hand and kept his other hand on her knee. He tuned into her, watching how a preternatural calm took over. The only thing giving away her pain was how she was nearly breaking his hand with every contraction.

He knew that a lot of woman were in labor for a long time, and that some pushed for hours, so this all seemed to be moving quite quickly. He kept his eyes on her face, on how focused she was on their baby. She still wasn’t crying, wasn’t screaming in pain. She just looked angry with every push, like she was using her fury to keep her cool in the situation.

Then something changed, just a little. She’d been pushing too hard, hadn’t stopped long enough to recover. For just one moment, Cardan saw fear flit across her face.

“I can’t breathe!” Cardan’s heart leapt as his wife cried out and he frantically ran through his options, trying to find something, anything to do to help her.

Then the nurse with the oxygen mask made a mistake.

“I just don’t think you’re trying very hard,” she snapped at Jude. It was the same woman who’d lied about how dilated Jude was.

Pure, unadulterated rage grew from the very pit of his stomach, but he didn’t get the chance to unleash it. Instead, he watched his wife’s eyes go murderous, her face go as blank as it did every time she held a knife to someone’s throat.

She stopped pushing and sat up, raising one finger to point at the nurse’s forehead like a witch laying a curse.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!”

It was the loudest he’d ever heard her scream, and her shout was a low bark instead of a shrill order. She was a general ordering a court marshall, the High Queen ordering an execution, not a woman going through the pain of childbirth.

The nurse fell back in shock, turning to him like she expected him to counteract his wife’s wishes.

“Get the fuck out!” He waved a hand to the door and made a face at the very idea that he’d even think of going against his wife’s word when she was busy birthing his daughter. How fucking dare this woman?

The nurse, now completely flabbergasted, turned to the doctor, who had only looked up when he heard the screaming. He took one look at Jude’s face and told the nurse to get the fuck out.

Jude grabbed the oxygen mask from the nurse as she left and held it to her own face, turning back to the ordeal of childbirth with twice the ferocity of before. It wasn’t a minute afterwards that the crying of their child filled the room.

Cardan threw himself full-force into glamouring away their daughter’s ears and her tail, a short little tail of fluffy black fur, sticking out like a sore thumb the way a kitten’s tail always does. The nurse and doctor didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary as they laid the little girl on Jude’s chest and asked Cardan to cut the cord.

She had a shock of midnight black hair just like her father and she certainly shared her mother’s temper as she angrily cried her little heart out, her face turning red.

Jude didn’t relax as they took her away to clean and measure her. She stayed focused on the rest of the birth, nodding her head to Cardan to tell him to keep an eye on their daughter.

It wasn’t until the little girl was weighed and cleaned and wrapped in a blanket that Jude keyed into the fact that it was over, their baby was here. She took the child in her arms again and wept, holding her as close as she could.

Cardan reaches a finger out, running it over the tiny pointed ear that only he and Jude could see. In response, the baby flexed her little hand and showed that she had the claws of a housecat.

His heart swelled with an emotion he couldn’t really describe as he took in the sight of his wife and daughter, his two girls.

The next two hours consisted of Vivi and Heather showing up, the Bomb in tow with a carriage to take them home since there was absolutely no way Jude was getting on a ragwort horse in her state. Vivi couldn’t believe that the baby was already there, just a half hour after she’d dropped Jude off. Cardan had to glamour their way out of the hospital after stealing the baby from the nursery, removing a little pink bow from her forehead that they’d affixed with toothpaste.

“Who the fuck puts toothpaste on a baby?” He raised an eyebrow at Jude from across the carriage, holding their daughter during the ride back so Jude could lay down.

It was a mess getting her out, especially so soon after birth. He’d had the Bomb ensure that healers were waiting in their chambers to help her in ways that the mortal doctors couldn’t, so he knew that it was best to move them both as soon as possible, but it still hurt him to see how drained she was.

“I can’t believe they put toothpaste on our baby,” he continued, looking down to where his daughter was watching him intently with big black eyes. He knew then and there, as he looked to her, that he was in trouble. He’d never recover from how much he loved this little girl.

“What in the world are we going to name her?” His whisper filled the carriage and Jude blinked back tears once again. Just seeing him with their little girl did things to her heart that she didn’t even know could be possible.

“Well,” she started, doing her best not to move too much, “why did your parents name you Cardan?”

“I don’t pretend to know why my parents did anything,” he snorted. “Why were you named Jude?”

She smiled up at the carriage ceiling. “I was named after a song that my mother enjoyed. Hey Jude. It was by a band called The Beatles.”

“You’ll have to show me the song sometime.”

She laid her hands on her belly, which still looked pregnant, and studied how her husband’s long fingers curved over their bundled up daughter.

“How about Lucille?”

He made a questioning noise, obviously having gotten lost in their baby’s eyes.

“Lucille,” she tried again. “The band who wrote the song I’m named for had another song, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. We could name her Lucille and only ever call her Lucy. It would make it all the harder to guess her truename.”

“Do you ever stop scheming, my darling nemesis?” He smiled as he turned the name over in his head. He liked the idea of naming their little girl after a song, especially a mortal one. He wanted her to be proud of her roots.

“Not when it comes to protecting my family,” she promised, her voice suddenly grave.

Cardan just smiled again and looked up at his wife, at his whole world.

“Lucille Greenbriar,” he tried the name out. “Little Lucy.”

Jude’s face softened once more and she reached out to take the baby, tucking the child close to her chest as they sailed over Elfhame.

“I like it,” he announced.

~~~~~~~~~~~

For those of you keeping track at home, here’s a list of things that:

My mother actually did during labor/my birth that Jude Duarte 100% would’ve done:

•Refused to believe I would be born on my due date. Was so adamant that she called every family member and told them to leave her the fuck alone/stop fucking asking about the baby/there was no way the baby would be born on her due date so shut up

•Confused her water breaking for peeing on herself

•Had to be threatened with physical violence before she’d go to the hospital

•Had to remind a nurse that she couldn’t actually pee with a bABY’S HEAD IN THE WAY DIPSHIT

•Called a nurse out for lying

•Pointed at the nurse who told her she “wasn’t trying that hard” and screamed to GET THE FUCK OUT

•Took no medication because she was a fucking boss, held her on oxygen mask after she fired the nurse. Didn’t cry or yell, just got angry

•Had her baby 30 minutes after showing up to the hospital. On the baby’s due date

My father literally did during my mom’s labor/my birth that Cardan Greenbriar 100% would have done:

•Stood by and let his wife call all the family yelling, even though it was two weeks from Christmas and he knew they’d have no way to get in contact if the baby came (everyone was 15 hours away and it was pre cellphone)

•Started timing his wife’s contractions and then dragged her into the car when they were 2 minutes apart after a huge fight

•Slam dunked on the receptionist when they checked in

•Was in awe of the hospital technology

•Literlly, I’m not kidding, when the doc did the whole “lights pointing at the wand” thing and aimed all the room lights at his wife’s crotch he actually yelled “Honey look! You’re a star!”

•Backed his wife tHE FUCK UP when she fired a nurse (the doctor also literally told the nurse to get tf out that really happened. He also really 100% did slide into the room with scrubs half on)

•Asked a nurse why the fuck she put toothpaste on his baby

•Named his baby after a song

My parents’ best friends did that Vivienne would’ve done:

•Brought the baby bag because the dipshits forgot it

•Went “what the fuck do you mean the baby is already here it’s been half an hour”

•(not in the story but) Offer the pregnant lady fried chicken and then never make it iT’S BEEN 21 YEARS SIR WHERE IS HER CHICKEN

•Help no-longer-pregnant lady sneak out cuz she didn’t wanna be there anymore

~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @cardan-greenbriar-tcp @hizqueen4life @slightlyrebelliouswriter23 @thewickedkings @aelin-queen-of-terrasen @cheekycheekycheeks lol just tell me if you wanna be added

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Unus Annus: A Complete Ranked List

well, now that every single video has been released, i’ve compiled them all into a complete ranked list, from best video to worst! this took way longer than it had any right to.  (also, please note this is just my opinion, and in all honesty, this list was really hard because so many of these videos are fantastic. you could tell me that you’d rearrange anything in the 50-250 range and i’d probably agree with you.) 

And if you don’t feel like going through the whole list, here’s Unus Annus ranked by month!

If the video is in: Top 50: 5 points 51 - 100: 4 points 101 - 150: 3 points 151 - 200: 2 points 201 - 250: 1 point 251 - 300: 0 points 300 or below: -1 point (Any ties settled by which month had the highest ranking video overall.)

November: 93 October: 72 December:70 September: 66 February: 66 August: 63 June: 60 January: 59 July: 53 May: 43 March: 37 April: 1

The Truth of Unus Annus (Oct. 31st)

Ethan Finally Becomes a MAN (Jan. 10th)

Phasmophobia in Real Life (Oct. 25th)

Mark and Ethan Attempt an Escape Room (Dec. 6th)

Hunting HeeHoo (Aug. 29th)

DIY Geriatric Simulator (Jan. 18th)

Recreating Every Single Unus Annus Video (Nov. 4th)

Mark Teaches Ethan to Read with Hooked On Phonics (Jun 6th)

Ethan Gives Mark a Viking Funeral (Dec. 9th)

Cooking with Sex Toys (Nov. 15th)

Mark Reviews the Impossible Burger But There’s a Looming Sense of Impending Doom (Dec. 13th)

Helium Therapy (Nov. 29th)

2 Truths and 1 Lie -- Waxing Edition (Nov. 26th)

Ethan Will Be Kicked in the Balls (Nov. 22nd)

Being Brutally Honest With Each Other (Nov. 3rd)

Would Chica Save Us From Drowning? (Jul. 24th)

Mark and Ethan are Now Fathers (Mar. 22)

Ethan Kidnapped Mark (Oct. 30th)

Mark’s Outdoor Escape Room (Aug. 28th)

The Unus Annus Last Supper (Nov. 2nd)

Mark and Ethan Go Casket Shopping (Jan. 11th)

The Sensory Overload Tank (Jan. 7th)

Mark and Ethan Summon a Ghost (Nov. 25th)

Mark Knows What Ethan Did… (Sep. 22nd)

Pee Sauna (Jun 17th)

We Made Nude Paintings of Each Other (Dec. 14th)

All of Our Video Ideas that Never Happened (Nov. 5th)

Mark Teaches Ethan How to March in a Marching Band (Sep. 4th)

Hiding Our Sins From Amy’s Holy Peepers (Jan. 2nd)

Our Perfect (and last) Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14th)

The Barrel - Official Music Video (Mar. 9th)

Edward Pumpkin Hands (Oct. 26th)

This Video Is Completely Unedited (Oct. 17th)

Ethan Teaches Mark How to Swim (Jun. 28th)

The Unus Annus Annual Sleepover (Nov. 12th)

Everything’s Legal if You’re Dead (Nov. 10th)

Harnessing Our Dogs’ Unlimited Energy (Dec. 23rd)

2 Grown Men Attempt the Presidential Fitness Test (Dec. 31st)

Learning to Breathe Underwater (Jan. 13th)

Playing Children’s Games in Total Darkness (Aug. 17th)

The Unus Annus Annual Costume Contest (Oct. 28th)

Saying Goodbye to All Our Guests (Nov. 9th)

We Got Pepper Sprayed (Mar. 10th)

The Cryptid Olympics (Oct. 24th)

Mark and Ethan Get Into a Fight (Mar. 8th)

Mark Punishes Ethan (Jan. 27th)

Ethan Watches as Mark Achieves the Impossible (Sep. 29th)

Drunk College Party Simulator (Feb. 15th)

God’s Fitness Test (Nov. 8th)

3 Big Boys Attempt the King’s Royal Fitness Test (Feb. 18th)

The Beginning of the End (Jul. 26th)

Mark Cooks Blindfolded While Ethan Guides Him Through FaceTime (May 22nd)

Pitching a Tent in the Woods But There’s a Bear 15 Feet Away (Aug. 22nd)

We Forced James Charles to Run a Military Obstacle Course (Mar. 23rd)

We Tried a Labor Pain Simulator (Mar. 20th)

The Bad Kind of Cupping (Nov. 20th)

Ethan Destroys Mark’s Van with a Bat (Dec. 7th)

Duct Tape Crucifixion (Amy, Please Don’t Watch This Video) (Dec. 29th)

A Bear Attacked Us in the Middle of the Night (Aug. 24th)

Mark and Ethan Look at a Puppy for 10 Minutes (Jul 7th)

Building the World’s First IKEA Boat (Jun 27th)

Goat Yoga (Feb. 22nd)

10 Strange Amazon Products Ethan Bought Mark Because He Doesn’t Know How To Spend Money Responsibly (Feb. 16th)

Top 10 Worst Things Your Friend Could Possibly Spend Their Money On (Feb 29th)

Fixing Mark’s Hole with Ramen But Every Time We Add Glue We Get 5% Closer to God (Jan. 14th)

Being Attacked By a Fully Trained Bodyguard Dog (Feb. 19th)

Preserving Ourselves in Wax (Dec. 26th)

Santa’s Mukbang (Drinking 1 Gallon of Eggnog) (Dec. 24th)

The Unus Annus Space Program (Jul 11th)

Ethan Explores Mark’s Haunted Basement (Dec. 17th)

Dummy THICC for Dummies | A Tale of Two Butts | Pushing Our Butts Even Further Beyond (Jul. 4th)

DIY Bungee Jump (please don’t try this) (Jan. 4th)

Unregulated Axe Throwing (Feb. 7th)

Making the Ultimate Unus Annus Burger (Sep. 15th)

How to Rescue a Cat from a Tree (Aug. 23rd)

Beer Sauna: Turning a Portable Sauna Into a Portable Hell (Mar. 16th)

The End of Unus Annus Is Almost Here… (May 15th)

We Accidentally Made an SCP While Amy Was Away (Sep. 13th)

We Play The Newlywed Game While Consuming That Which Will Kill the Other (May 23rd)

Building IKEA’s Hardest Piece of Furniture Without Instructions (Jun 18th)

Recharging Our Phones Using Only Brute Strength (Jul. 30th)

Eating Only Onions for 24 Hours: How Many Onions Does It Take to Kill a Man? (May 8th)

The Candy Bra Challenge (Jul 6th)

We Bought Every Grinch Costume on Ebay (Oct. 13th)

Only UNUS-es/ANNUS-es May Watch This Video (May 28th)

Only Watch From 2:25-6:11 --- DO NOT WATCH ANY OTHER PART OF THIS VIDEO (May 29th)

We Force Mark to Swim in the Ocean (HIS GREATEST FEAR) (Oct. 22nd)

Recreating The Miracle of Childbirth (Mar. 21st)

Making Our Own Sensory Deprivation Tank (Nov. 18th)

Turning Mark into an E-Boy (Feb. 2nd)

The First Annual Unus Annus Roast (Nov. 7th)

Reacting to Your Hilarious Green Screen Memes (Jun 5th)

The Ultimate Trolley Problem (Feb. 21st)

We Looked at Unus Annus Memes (Apr. 30th)

Exploring the Unus Annus Subreddit for Your Delicious Memes (May 16th)

BLACK LIVES MATTER: Resources and How You Can Help In The Description (Jun 2nd)

The Chubby Gummy Challenge (Dec. 4th)

Who Can Teach Their Dog a Trick the Fastest? (Mar. 5th)

Taped and Afraid (Dec. 20th)

We Played Strip Poker (May 20th)

Consuming the World’s Hottest Chip (Sep. 30th)

Mark and Ethan Learn About the Human Body (Jan. 26th)

1 Man 100 Accents (Dec. 1st)

Mark Steals Ethan’s Face (Jan. 15th)

Chickens Teach Us About Life and Death (Feb. 17th)

We Lubed Our Floor for a Sliding Competition (Aug. 3rd)

Mark Conquers His Fear of Night Swimming (Oct. 11th)

The Ultimate Paper Airplane Showdown (Jun 20th)

We Pierced Each Other’s Ears (Sep. 11th)

Crushing Watermelons Betwixt Our Mighty Thighs (Jun 3rd)

7 Minutes in Heaven | 7 Minutes in Hell (Nov. 11th)

Two Men in a Trench Coat Teach You How to Save Money at the Movies (Jun 26th)

Having an Adventure in VRChat Because We Can’t Go Outside (Mar. 27th)

Preparing a 5-Star Meal for Our YouTube Famous Dogs (Jul. 16th)

Mark and Ethan Shave Chica (Aug. 8th)

The Wubble (Aug. 7th)

How to Start a Fire (except don’t…) (Aug. 27th)

Unus Annus (Nov. 15th)

This Is Goodbye (Aug. 5th)

Puberty Simulator (Aug. 13th)

This Video Went Completely Out of Control (Oct. 1st)

This Video Will Never Make Sense (Sep. 23rd)

Blowing Our Souls into Some Hot Glass (Feb. 28th)

We Attempted to Create THICC Water (May 10th)

Brick Soccer (Sep. 19th)

Accepting the Truth (Nov. 1st)

Drinking Real THICC Water...How Bad Does It Taste? (May 19th)

How Far Can We Chuck a 16lbs Rock? (Sep. 10th)

Recreating Ourselves as a Cursed Mannequin (Jan. 8th)

Recreating Childhood Photos (Jun 13th)

Nutball: The Most Dangerous Game (Feb. 10th)

Mark Teaches Ethan How to Play the Trumpet (Aug. 1st)

How to Safely Bury Your Friend (Aug. 25th)

Mark Breaks His Nose on an Aerial Hoop (Oct. 4th)

DIY Bed of Nails: OH GOD, PLEASE DON’T EVER TRY THIS (Jul. 20th)

Pee Soda (Sep. 17th)

We Had to Drink Each Other’s Pee (Dec. 16th)

Creating Mark FISHbach (Jun 21st)

Making Our Own Gravestones to Prepare for Our Inevitable Demise (May 11th)

We Made Fanart for Each Other (Jun 11th)

Bear Trapping 101: An Elegant Knot for an Elegant Beast (Jun 25th)

Pressure Washing Our Sins Away (Oct. 21st)

Literally Finding a Needle in a Haystack (Oct. 8th)

We Ate Dog Treats so You Don’t Have To (Sept. 12th)

Giving Away Our 1,000,000 Subscriber Gold Play Button (Dec. 18th)

2 Idiots Get Crushed By 18-Ft Giant Snakes (Mar. 15th)

We Cryogenically Freeze Ourselves (Jan. 20th)

DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2080 (May 27th)

Fighting Fish to the Death in the Deep Blue Sea (Oct. 23rd)

DIY Teeth (Jul. 17th)

We Attempt to Make UNHOLY Water (Sep. 24th)

We Attempt to Make Holy Water (Sep. 20th)

DIY Cheese (Jan. 29th)

Making an Indoor Tornado to Flex on Mother Nature (Feb. 9th)

Literally Eating Fire (Feb. 6th)

2 Absolute Beginners Experience the Dancing Glory that is Salsa (Jan. 17th)

Team Building for 2: Trust Fall, Tug-of-War, and More! (Aug. 26th)

The Great Ice Cream Cake Race (Sep. 27th)

The Unus Annus Confessional Booth (May 26th)

Blood Bath (Oct. 27th)

2 Dirty Boys Wash Their Filthy Mouths Out With Soap (Jun. 30th)

Who Can Make Themselves Taller? (Jan. 6th)

Mark and Ethan Share a Drink (Aug. 6th)

2 Adults Take a 4th Grade Math Test  (Sep. 6th)

Bobbing for Literally Anything But Apples (Oct. 16th)

Momiplier Teaches Self Defense (Aug. 15th)

The Human Mop (Jul. 21st)

We Attempt Pottery Without Amy’s Help (Sep. 8th)

Becoming One With the Horse (Jun 19th)

Wikifeet: A Tale of Two Tootsies (Apr. 4th)

We Found Websites That the World Forgot About (Apr. 11th)

1 Gallon of Jello Nearly Broke Us (Aug. 20th)

We Finally Drank Our DIY Wine (Sep. 5th)

We Do It Better Than Icarus Ever Could (Jul. 25th)

We Turned Our Bodies Into Art (Jan. 25th)

You Blink, You Lose (Dec. 30th)

Can You Bake a Cookie from Cookie Dough Ice Cream? (Jul. 13th)

Mark Turns Ethan into a Mummy to Prepare Him for the Great Beyond (Dec. 3rd)

Ethan Turns Mark Into a Werewolf (Oct. 29th)

Making Soda with Literally Anything But Soda (Sep. 16th)

Dunking Oreos in Literally Anything But Milk (Jul. 15th)

Making Snow Cones With Literally Anything But Normal Flavors (Sep. 7th)

How Many Slaps Does it Take to Cook a Chicken? (Sep. 2nd)

Play Doh Thanksgiving (Nov. 28th)

Hot Dog’d to Death (Nov. 17th)

Mark and Ethan Build a Scarecrow (Oct. 20th)

Transforming Mark into the Eighth Wonder of the World (Aug. 16th)

Unus Annus Try Pole Dancing (Jul 8th)

Mark Teaches Ethan to Wrestle (Sep. 28th)

Ethan Teaches Mark Gymnastics (Sep. 26th)

Who’s Cutting Onions in Here? (Nov. 6th)

How to Escape from a Hostage Situation (Jul. 18th)

Are We Already Dead? (Feb. 13th)

Bored? Press This Button (Apr. 27th)

Judging Your Terrible Unus Annus Ideas (Aug. 10th)

This is for FUN and NOT a Fetish (Oct. 10th)

This is What Being Tased Feels Like (Jan. 21st)

Learning the Ancient Art of Chinese Archery (Feb. 20th)

Tearing a Phone Book in Half With Our Huge Manly Hands (May 31st)

Beating Inanimate Objects to Death (Dec. 27th)

Edible Slime was a Mistake. (Feb. 23rd)

We Eat Bugs (Jan. 3rd)

Amy Sent Us a Mystery Box (Sep. 21st)

Hydro Dipping a Baby (Aug. 11th)

The Egg Smashing Game (Jul. 12th)

BEYBLADE NUTBALL (Sep. 14th)

Discussing the Idea of Murdering Each Other But It’s Just a Joke and Definitely Not Serious Haha (Feb. 12th)

Mark is Guilty. Ethan Has the Proof. (Jul 1st)

Learning How to Lockpick (FBI Please Don’t Watch) (Jun 22nd)

Mark Needs to Rub Ethan and Only His Mom Can Help Him (Mar. 14th)

Learning to Use the Force (Sep. 18th)

The Secret Unus Annus No-Touchy-Touchy Hand Shake (Apr. 25th)

We Google Each Other to Find Our Darkest Forgotten Sins (Apr. 6th)

Shooting Archery ON A HORSE (Oct. 6th)

Ethan Redefines Male Beauty (Feb. 3rd)

Ethan Roasts Mark for 15 Minutes Straight (Jun 7th)

Playing Cards: The World’s Deadliest Weapon (Aug. 2nd)

Morphing Our Bodies Into Superhero Poses (Jun 4th)

Becoming a Master of Mime (Feb. 11th)

This is the Most Dangerous Children’s Toy Ever Made (Jul. 23rd)

A Serious Conversation Under the Stars (Jul. 29th)

Is Mark a Masochist? (May 1st)

Literally Laying On Literal Broken Glass (Feb. 8th)

Bad, Bad Beans (Jan. 23rd)

DIY Wine (May 30th)

2 Men 200 Accents (Apr. 18th)

DIY Boob (May 24th)

Mark and Ethan Go On a Drum Date (Feb. 27th)

10 Miracle Products to Give YOU the Thiccest Jaw On Planet Earth (Jun. 29th)

Ultimate Horseshoes (Jul. 28th)

Mark and Ethan Get a Full Body Scan to See What Secrets Lay Hidden Within (and learn their body fat) (Mar. 13th)

Acupuncture is NOT Painful (Dec. 11th)

What the Hell is a Pink Trombone? (May 2nd)

Donating Toys to Charity w/ Jacksepticeye (Dec. 22nd)

Poopsie Sparkly Critters (a slime surprise…) (Nov. 27th)

The Great Meat Mistake (Dec. 10th)

DIY Minesweeper (Oct. 7th)

Popping Popcorn with a High Powered Laser (Aug. 12th)

Bobbing for Apples but the Water Keeps Getting Thiccer (Oct. 3rd)

We Buy a Professional Hypnosis Video and React to It (Dec. 5th)

Long Hair, Do We Dare? (Feb. 25th)

Recreating Mark’s Childhood (Jul. 2nd)

Professional Fire Cupping (Going Even Further Beyond) (Feb. 4th)

An Extremely Sour, Not-at-All Sour Meal (Feb. 5th)

Purging Our Sins with a Neti Pot (Nov. 16th)

Attempting to Build IKEA Furniture Without Instructions (Jun 9th)

The Annual Unus Annus Dunk Contest (Jul. 27th)

Our Fans Try to Scare Us With Their Homemade Creepypasta (Jun 12th)

There’s Something Horribly Wrong With This Picture… (June 8th)

Too Many Pickles (Aug. 21st)

5 Products to Grow Your Patchy Beard (Jul. 31st)

What is the Least Viewed Video on YouTube? (Apr. 10th)

Baby Hands Operation (Nov. 24th)

Mark Builds a Pillow Fort for the Very First Time (Apr. 2nd)

Are Reptilian Humanoids Living Among Us? (May 6th)

Mark and Ethan Bet Everything on a Wikipedia Race (Apr. 15th)

We Will Churn Thy Butter (Sep. 25th)

We Take a Lie Detector Test to Uncover Our Darkest Sins (Jan. 12th)

Drawing on Each Other’s Backs in Total Darkness (Oct. 9th)

Drawing Memes from Memory (Nov. 30th)

We Made Every YouTuber Battle in the Hunger Games (Apr. 5th)

Ultimate YouTuber Boxing Showdown (Mar. 30th)

Tasting Weird Food Combos: Pickles and Chocolate? Ice Cream and Soy Sauce? (Jul 10th)

How to NOT be the Perfect Boyfriend (Apr. 13th)

Help Us Break a YouTube World Record (Apr. 17th)

Momiplier Tells Us True Scary Stories from Korea (Oct. 18th)

DO NOT TRY THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Aug. 9th)

The Most Dangerous Shave (Jun 23rd)

We Took the Polar Plunge (Jan. 1st)

2 Complete Amateurs Enter a Body Building Competition (Jun 1st)

Does This Magnetic Skincare Routine Really Work? (Jul. 19th)

Mark and Ethan Milk a Goat (Oct. 5th)

Pumpkin Spice “Challenge” (Oct. 19th)

Doing Each Other’s Makeup in the Dark (Nov. 23rd)

We’re Better Than Dogs (Aug. 18th)

We Have the Best Bellies on YouTube (May 25th)

The Good Kind of Cupping  (Nov. 19th)

Hacking the Very Fabric of the Universe (Jan. 30th)

Where in the World is Unus Annus? (Apr. 1st)

Mark and Ethan Become United States Citizens (Jun 10th)

Mark and Ethan Desperately Attempt to Feel Something (May 4th)

We Took an IQ Test (Jan. 9th)

Mark Teaches Ethan Korean (May 13th)

Lost Omegle Video (Mar. 31st)

Finding the Most Cursed Image on the Internet (Jun 15th)

Amazon Shopping for the Apocalypse (Mar. 28th)

Desperately Trying Not to Touch Our Faces (Mar. 24th)

Going on an Internet Scavenger Hunt (Mar. 26th)

Reading YOUR Scariest True Stories (Apr. 21st)

The Scariest True Stories on the Internet (Apr. 12th)

REAL Ghost Hunting At An Abandoned Zoo (March 2nd)

Bleachus Annus (Jul. 14th)

Pumpkin Taste Tier List (Oct. 14th)

Floating in a Real Sensory Deprivation Tank (Dec. 12th)

Was 2020 a Bad Year for Unus Annus? (Aug. 30th)

Speed Reading 1000+ WPM to Gain a Complete Understanding of All Human Knowledge (Apr. 9th)

We Give Each Other Tattoos Blindfolded (Mar. 11th)

Mark’s 1 Weird Talent Leaves Ethan Absolutely Speechless (Apr. 3rd)

Learning to Jump Higher in 16 Minutes and 16 Seconds (Oct. 15th)

You Breathe You Die (Jan.16th)

Breaking Glasses With Our Screams (Aug. 4th)

The 1000 High-Five Challenge (Oct. 2nd)

Becoming the World’s Greatest DJs (Mar. 4th)

Grip Strength Test: Loser Becomes the Winner’s Butler for a Day (Aug. 14th)

Forcibly Turning Mark into Santa Claus Against His Will (Dec. 25th)

We Smell Every Smell (Sep. 1st)

We Wrote a Hit Pop Song in 30 Minutes (Feb. 26th)

Unus Annus Carves the Roast Beast (Mar. 18th)

The Painful World of Aerial Skills (Oct. 12th)

The Koala Challenge: TikTok’s Intimate Couples Trend (Aug. 19th)

Ethan Traps Mark’s Soul in the Palm of His Hand (Jun 24th)

Will We Break the Boards...Or Will They Break Us? (Jun 14th)

DIY Chiropractor (Mar. 7th)

Mark Gives Ethan a HOT (stone) Massage (Aug. 31st)

We Bought a Camera That Can Look Inside Us (Mar. 3rd)

Can Plants Feel Pain? (Sep. 9th)

This is Hiding on Your Body RIGHT NOW. (Jul 9th)

Strange (and legal) Things You Can Do With Your Body After Death (Jan. 28th)

Like It Or Not...This is What The New Human Looks Like (May 7th)

Looking at Long Lost Memes (Jan. 31st)

We Played Mad Libs and Ran It Through Google Translate (Apr. 7th)

Running Internet Drama Through Google Translate (Apr. 24th)

Mark and Ethan Desperately Try to Name a Single State in the USA (Apr. 8th)

Professional Fetish Scientists Rank the Best/Worst Fetishes of 2020 (May 3rd)

Reddit 50/50: Two Player Edition (Mar. 25th)

Mark and Ethan Find the Lost City of El Dorado (Apr. 14th)

Using Google Maps to Find the Lost City of Atlantis (Apr. 20th)

We Hired a Real Hypnotherapist to Analyze Our Darkest Dreams (Jan. 24th)

2 Boys 2 Poops (Sep. 3rd)

This is How We’ll Die... (Jan. 19th)

Nutball Extreme: Taser Edition (Mar. 1st)

You Made Beautiful Music for The Barrel...But Only One Could Win (Dec. 15th)

Can Sound Therapy Heal All Wounds? (Jul. 22nd)

Middle School Science Experiment Teaches Us About Life and Death (Mar. 6th)

Reverse Engineering a Kite to Steal the Idea of Electricity from Benjamin Franklin (Jul 5th)

Ethan’s Relaxing and Totally Normal Nail Salon (Dec. 19th)

Mark and Ethan Take a Personality Test (Apr. 22nd)

An AI Generates Our Worst Nightmare (May 5th)

Learning to Cry on Command to Increase Our YouTube Views (Jun 16th)

How Big Can a Nuke Get? (May 17th)

Granting Access Into Heaven’s Sweet Gates (Feb. 24th)

We Put an Apple Watch in a Rock Tumbler (Jul. 3rd)

Whom Would Eat Whomst First in a Zombie Apocalypse? (Mar. 29th)

Bigfoot is Real and It Ate My Friend (May 14th)

What is the Most Painful Thing We’ve Ever Endured? (Dec. 21st)

Don’t Go In The Ocean....Ever. (Apr. 28th)

An AI Predicts How We’re Going to Die (Dec. 2nd)

Harnessing Our Yodeling Power to End The World As We Know It (May 21st)

The Creepiest Videos on YouTube (Apr. 16th)

What Does Astrology Say About Our Friendship? (Mar. 12th)

Discovering the Secret to Eternal Life (Feb. 1st)

What Happens When a YouTube Channel Dies? (Jan. 22nd)

5 Weird Apps That Predicted Our Death (Mar. 19th)

Emotional Pain vs. Physical Pain...Which is Worse? (Dec. 28th)

How Tall Can a Human Get?: An Impartial Review By 2 Average Height Men (May 12th)

Will AI Soon Take Over Humanity As We Know It? (Apr. 23rd)

Mark and Ethan Hunt the World’s Most Wanted Criminals (Mar. 17th)

The Illuminati...Do They Really Exist? (Apr. 19th)

We Explore the Most MYSTERIOUS Mysteries of Our Wildly Mysterious Mystery Moon of Mystery (Apr. 29th)

Two Male Men Judge Female Women On Their Beauty (Apr. 26th)

We Have the BEST Thumbnails on YouTube and No One Can Tell Us Otherwise (Jan. 5th)

How Much Caffeine Does It Take to Kill a Man? (May 18th)

There’s Still Hope… (Dec. 8th)

Unus Annus ASMR (May 9th)

The Worst Kind of Cupping (Nov. 21st)