#Cade.vnts
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i rly dont know how to keep going.
#Cade.Vnts#sits here watching the inauguration w my mom.#i just dont know how to have any hope for the future anymore.#its probably stupid of Me but i'm just exhausted and i can't see a point to anything anymore.
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This is me just Rambling about shit.
God I'm so tired of feeling unlovable. I'm so tired of feeling like no one will love me for me. I always feel like I need to make myself less for people. Or make myself 'Smaller'- and 'Quieter'. Like I take up too much room and i just need to shove myself into a smaller box so I'm easier to care about or drag around. I feel so far behind anyone else my age- being 26 years old and having Literally No Experience with anything basically- makes me feel like a child compared to anyone else.
No one wants to be with the overgrown 26 year old, stupid child who can barely take care of himself or drag his ass out of bed. I just feel like a burden to everyone. It sucks growing up always hearing people 'would' love me if I changed something about myself, or if I stopped doing this, or that- or that if I 'lost weight' I'd be be lovable. It feels like I'm never going to find someone who will look at Me, and Love me- for me. I'll never really mean anything to anyone. Feels like I'll always have to pretend to be someone or something else for anyone to care about me- like I need to be someone else for people to accept me.
Why do I need to change myself for someone to find reason to love me? Why do I need to change my body for someone to see me as worthy to love? I don't want to feel like this forever. I want to love- I want to tell people I love them and hear it back. I don't know how to make myself into someone lovable. I don't know what pieces of myself to hide to become someone lovable or worth loving.
I don't know how to Love and be in a relationship. Realistically I know I can't be in one because I'm too fucked up for it and I don't know how to handle it. It feels like its my fault in the end. I don't know how to be lovable and how to love.
#Cade.vnts#it all feels like my fault. i'm the reason im Like this#I dont know how to be anything or anyone else.#Idk. I think its just stupid of me to want this Shit knowing I can't actually handle anything.
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Think this has been the worst i've ever been.
#Cade.vnt#Things is bad. and it feels like nothings ever gonna make it better.#like damn. shits always happening. and I'm always scared for people i love and people who need help and people who are hurting and people w#i am so Scared and so Anxious and Tired all the time every day#Idk how to cope w anything Anymore or how to Keep Doing things and Keep Going like things are fine when nothing is#anyone tired of just how i can never be happy. i sure am. i wish i could be happy.#i am The Most insufferable person to be around.#anyways i am working so hard on shit on my stimblog.#not like it Matters but i am. its something at Least.#sure wish i could get therapy. or someone would call me back about it.#im so tired of doing intake appointments on the phone and then Nothing Happening or Hearing back or Anything.
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#Cade.vnt#I feel like my body is falling Apart.#keep having pain where it feels like its embedded deep in my bones and i hate It.#and shark week has been happening since. at least the 11th of september. n i keep getting horrible#cramps that feel like i'm being Stabbed.#feels like i'm rotting from the inside Out.#intrusive thoughts love running w this shit.#and i know i need to see a doctor but i dont want to go and just be told#everythings because im fat. n no one listen to me n act like im jsut wasting their time.#i keep having bad self harm intrusive thougts and i hate It a lot.#and i'm just stuck here thinking about how god awful my body Looks and how I always feel gross.#everything sucks as Always and Everythings shit. cade has no good very bad time as always.
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I am so incredibly tired of everything anymore.
#Cade.vnt#existijg and being alive is nothing but stress wnd anxiety and im tired of all of it.#i hate sitting here knowing i cant afford tobget stuff to make dinner!!!#i hate sitting here w torn up old as hell clothing and no jacket or coat for winter!!!#ihate how everything in my size is so fucking expensive!!!! i justwant a fucking hoodie!#i hate my hair and how its always in my face and i hate how everyone refuses to let me get my hair cut or help me cut it myself#i hate how i can takw a shower n then still feel dirtyy n gross. thats not relared i think but i always just feel dirty.#i wanna pull my skin off i hate it.
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I don't want to keep doing this anymore.
#Cade.Vnt#i dont want to keep fighting for the rest of my life. i dont want to do glthis anymore.#i am ao fuckijg tired. i wanna curl inro a ball n rot away.#i wanna give up ao fucking bad. i dontvwant to keep going i wanna lay down n rot.#i hate tgis country.#i just wanna lay here.#i should sleep but my body hurts.#dontvmind mw im just dealinf w a lot of realizations due to tgis Shit.
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Genuinely I have no motivation to keep Going anymore.
#Cade.vnt#im sorry if me venting is annoying to hear rn. everything just is bad and i am finding it#so hard to keep Trying to do anything anymore.#n thts probably stupid to hear considering everything else happening rn in the wide world#but I really am just struggling to make myself wake up anymore or get out of bed- or do anything other then Sleep.#im ok w just rotting in this bed.#sure would love to see a therapist but thats all gone to shit.#i feel like i need to just apologize for being like this all the time anymore.#i used to have moments where shit was oksay but now i dont.
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Whars up I'm sick as fuck.
#i fewl like dog shit rn and all i wanna do is lie ib this bed and rot away.#its prob juat a cold but i still feel horid.#hell is having my nose leaking constantly and coughing uncontrollably to the point ur throat n chest hurtsm#also tumbles ate mre asks. so im so sorry to anyone that sent me anything.#i need to check more opften but i e been sleeping mostly rn so i am v sorry.#and dealing w the usual bullshit w my family. great times.#im not gonna get into shit but its hard. snd bad. and exhausting.#September was supposed to be kinder and its just been awful.#sorry im barely here anymore. i barelt feel here ever. just kinda struggling to exist right now at all.#Cade.vnt#also have photo of bigfoot as a reaction image. hes fine he just looks like thatm.
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Just the way the wider community treats those like me makes it so hard for me to ever feel good about myself.
#Cade.Vnt#sorry for venting butim sad.#i can never fit into what peopls think transmasc people should be#im always too this or too that. i feel like a joke and like im faking it all the time#and it feels like no one ever wants to listen to me or hear whT i want or feel like i need to say#im not skinny im nit the thin attractive passing transmasc#im a fat big chested non passing Person n it just feels isolating and suffocating.#my body is all wrong and i cant stand itb i dont think ill ever feel at home init.#icfeel unwanted and unloved and like i dont mattr.#idk where im going w this i guess its just hard trying to exist as i am#when it sseems like mg own community hates me n cishet/non queer people hate me too.
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Sure do wish my family could not fight for one day.
#All anyone in this house does is Scream and explode about things and shout at the top of their lungs#I'm so fucking tired of it man. at least my headphones work so I can block them Out.#Cade.Vnt
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#Cade.vnt#I complain a lot about shit on here so im sorry but haha things fucking suck n i hate everything.#i wanna curl into a ball and just rot here.#evrrything costs so much money i cant do anything. getting shut off notices for everything.#being alive is so fucking expensive and i am so damn tired of trying anymore.#im just exhausted. im tired. everything keeps gettibg worse. i wanna sleeop#i cant even get myself into therapy or get myself to a fucking doctor.#i have no energy for anything anymore.#i wish things could just be ok for a little while n things could be easier.#why is living so expensive
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why is trying to live hard.
#Cade.vnt#Why is it hard to just try and be alive and live. why is the food i can afford have shit like lead n things#that'll kill me in it#wqhy is everything hard and exhausting. im gonna just go to sleep i think.#im too tired to be worried about thinhgs anymore.#probably over reacting but idk anymore at this point.#dont know if i should worry or if i should just not care cus theres already other shit to deal with n worr about#anyways.
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#Cade.vnt#I hate tht i need money. i hate that everything is so expensive and i hate tht it costs so much to just#feed myself and my family.#everytime i feel hungry anymore i feel guilty and i dont wanna eat becsuse someone else might want whatever it is#i hate being hungry i hate needing food because it costs so fucking much#i wish i id not need to eat#feels like im wasting my families mney everytime on food for me
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Wish I didn't care about what people I do not know think about me.
#Cade.vnt#constantly feel like i need to make myself smaller or try and not take up space or be too loud or too much#or be too me.#idk how to explain wht i mean.
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HhrHG
#Cade.vnt#money is. really tight. mom is panicking all the time because we barely have money to buy food n she#doesn't know how we're going to afford to use the heat this winter#the only reason i still have wifi is because my brother pays for it#our washer is broken and our garbage disposal broke.#everything costs so much fucking money i am simply tired. existing and living costs so much fucking money im tired#i need to go to the doctors n try n get someone to lisren to me but who knows ehen i'll be able to#i need to try n get disability but they've denied me twice.#been trying to get a appointment w a therapist but no one ever returns our calls or takes my insurance#i am going insane. every resource i've tried using doesn't fucking work#i have been trying to get help for the past 3 years and it seems like no one gives a shit#i'm going to curl into a ball and let myself rot i think at this point.
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figured out why i've been feeling so off. todays my dads birthday,
#cade.vnt#head hurts and i feel sick and im so fucing spacy right now#trying to not tihink about how old he'd be now#hate this an i dont want to think about this
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