#CRACK CRACK CRACKITY CRACK

[buddiewho]

Imagine you're the person who was working reception that day or something. You're having the typically lunch break with co-workers.

"So how goes it today?" Someone asks.

"Normal," you say. "I mean as far as hospital duties go. I mean…well…there was this one thing that's is kind of seared into my brain. Not trauma related, not ER and not a medical emergency thing at all.."

"Okay, so what then?"

"Um, man in blue hoodie comes from the hospital rooms to entrance door and then a firefighter walks in and they…" You smash your hands together.

"You're going to need to clarify."

"I witnessed a make out session and HEARD a make out session. Ultimately, I ducked down behind the desk, pretending I hadn't seen anything, but then it wouldn't get out of my head. The intensity and then the sounds…maybe it is a trauma."

"Ha, ha yeah okay, you're making this shit up."

"Um, no, I'm not. I'm not crazy because this legitimately happened like a "right in front my salad" scene."

"Okay, if you say so. It's time to get back to it and I think you need to quiet that imagination of yours."

"Yeah, whatever, because I saw what I saw. I heard what I heard and the man the in blue hoodie thinks the firefighter he kissed is a beast. So good luck to those men I will never see again."

You go back to work and get comfortable in the receptionist chair; realizing it is perfectly facing that damned spot. Like a movie, the kiss you feel like you intruded on replayed over and over again.

[thetarttfuldickhead]

Is Trent Crimm deeply disappointed that he missed the whole locker room scene where the team airs their “stop hogging Jamie” grievances or deeply relieved? On the one hand, reporter instincts for a good story, on the other hand his own morals would never let him put it I the book, massive (reporter/writer) blue balls.

re: Jamie Hogging Ask- some days ago on the Colin/Jamie post, you mentioned that you'd daydreamed out a bit of an AU where Jamie ended up dating a whole section of the team on some sort of rotation schedule. I assume that there was some dramatic locker room scene where they all hashed out that they felt it was unfair that only Colin on the team got to date him. I assume Trent was no longer hanging around the locker rooms at this point (but who knows, he may be a fixture now. also it could be mid season 3 when this all goes down, idk). But he still has the instinct to know when a really good/interesting story is around. On the one hand, he knows his conscience won't let him publish the level of ridiculousness that Richmond can sink to. On the other hand, it would be really really funny to write a whole chapter on the way that this was negotiated out, and also that a google calendar/groupchat was created specifically for coordinating who gets to monopolize Jamie and when.

Ooh, love the way you think, nonny!

If Trent weren’t around for all that he’d be massively disappointed, I think. Yes, as a (former) journalist he’s driven to share the truth, but I think he’s even more driven to know the truth. He can keep quiet when he has to – see: Colin kissing Michael – but realizing he’s missed out on Something Good? Ah, no, that’ll drive him nuts.

But now that you’ve suggested it, I am convinced he was there. Admittedly, in my head this whole thing goes down quite some time after the S3 finale, but that’s not a problem! Even though the book’s both written and published, I’m sure Trent finds plenty of reasons to stop by Nelson Road for a visit. He’s a Diamon Dog now, right? Gotta drop in for the weekly barking session! (Ted Zooms in sometimes, which is always a treat.) Besides, Trent grew very fond of the whole team while he was there, and though he gets most of the gossip from Colin – they obviously stay in touch, Trent knows all about the Jamie situation – he still wants to hear the coaches’ takes on everything that goes on, hang out with the rest of the lads for a bit. So, yeah, he’s there.

I think he might write the chapter, actually – knowing full well he can’t ever publish it, but needing to put it down even so. Get it out of his system, somehow. Also, it gives him a chance to indulge in all the (affectionate!) sarcastic and wry little comments he dutifully left out of the actual book!

Say Trent’s showed up one morning before practise while everyone’s getting changed and let’s say Roy shows up with Jamie and sort of hand him over to Colin and Colin and Jamie start enthusiastically making plans for the evening and maybe it’s Jan Maas who notes that “It’s not actually fair Roy and Colin both get to date Jamie when no one else does.”

As Roy stares at him incredulously and Dani pipes up. “I agree with Jan. It makes me happy to see you together, but it also makes me sad”, Trent’s spidersense is not only tingling but absolutely exploding and he discreetly pulls out his notebook and start jotting things down as fas as he can while the room unravels before his very eyes:

JT says he’s willing to date anyone who wants to date him, if OK with RK, KJ & CH. They are.

Explicitly wants in: Jan Maas, Dani Rojas, Jeff Goodman, Paul Reynolds, Bhargava, Sasha Kukoč.

Suspect might want in but didn’t say: Potentially everybody but Sam, but especially Arlo Dixon and Martin de Maat.  

Bumbercatch volunteers to sort out a calender & group chat bc better if it’s someone who doesn’t want to date Jamie, make sure it’s fair.

CH pleased MB doesn’t want to date JT?

McAdoo claims first date even though he doesn’t actually want to date Jamie, bc his right & duty as captain to make sure it’s ok for everyone else. JT: “What? The fuck do you mean, why wouldn’t it be ok?” IM: “I’m the captain, and I say this is happening.” JT: “Fine, but you’re taking me somewhere fancy and you’re paying.” IM: “Just to be clear, we’re not having sex.” JT: “This is the worst date I’ve ever been on and we haven’t even been yet.”

JT questions why Sam doesn’t want in on the schedule and seems offended on principal when SO explains that JT is his best friend and not some one he wants to date. JT pouts until SO offers to take him out on friend dates.

Cockburn also wants to go on friend dates with JT.

Brief but heated discussion if friend dates & boyfriend dates should be different schedueles and if it’s OK to sign up for both. CH’s attempts to question how friend dates is different from just being friend and hanging out from time to time is shut down.

Tom O’Brien wants to know if he can sign up for a date with Jamie, Keeley and Roy. RK stares at him for 1 good minute before saying “No.”

Discussion about the etiquette of not wearing Jamie out if he’s scheduled to have another date soon after your date with him.

JG: But we don’t have to check in with everyone else if we want to sleep with him, right? RK: You better fucking check in with him. B: I don’t think I want to know what anyone else is doing. JM: Yeah, that’d be weird. JT: I don’t think anyone else should get to decide if I have sex with someone or not. RK: *clears his throat meaningfully* JT: I mean, as long as Roy and Keeley and Colin don’t mind.

That’s just the first page of Trent’s notes, btw, they go on for like four more, practice is delayed by at least an hour. Keeley follows the whole thing on video call (obvs they had to run it by her before handing Jamie out to everyone who wants a piece). Rebecca stops by, blinks once and then nopes the hell out of this madness. Nate wonder if he ought to sign up for a date with Jamie, if everyone else is doing it, but he doesn’t think Jade would approve.

Colin can’t quite let go of the notion that maybe this means he could date Bumbercatch, Roy questions his sanity every other second, and Jamie is living his best life (and is delighting in the fact that the next time he sees Roy and Keeley, they are going to make very sure Jamie knows where he ultimately belongs).

[theothervonkarmagirl]

Changes Takumi's name to Big Booty Judy in her phone.

[heclingmuzik]

"Hey! If you're gonna pick on Break, make sure you're doing it right."

[tabbyrp]

"Sir, I think he's bleeding out"

Gamble’s down. Repeat, Gamble’s down.

The message carried into various earpieces, rough with static. It sent Jim moving, out from where he sheltered behind a tree, across the danger zone. Rust colored leaves crunched beneath heavy boots. He stayed low. Cautious, until he saw his partner.

T.J. had gotten there first. His hand covered Brian’s chest, red seeping between splayed fingers. When Jim crouched beside the pair, T.J. looked to him with sorrow-laden eyes. “Sir, I think he’s bleeding out.”

 “He was a good soldier.” Hand to forehead, Jim saluted.

 With a grunt, Brian shoved T.J. away. “You’re both assholes.” Slapping his own palm into the red paint smeared across his clothes, Brian wiped it over T.J.’s cheek.

 “Hey, hey, hey.” T.J. retreated quickly to a safe distance. “Dead men can’t fight back. That’s the rule of paintball.”

 Another annoyed huff and Brian was on his feet, tiny twigs and other forest debris drifting loose from various limbs. “You want to know the other rule of paintball?” His head nodded northwards. “Don’t come gloating before you’ve won.”

 The other two men turned just in time to see Tabby scale her team’s tower and wave the captured flag in triumph.

 “Damn it.” While Jim never enjoyed losing, he could take it with a certain amount of grace. “I thought she was already out.”

“She played dead. Where do you think I got the idea to smoke you guys out?” Brian propped his paintball gun over one shoulder. “And next time, double tap, T.J., instead of coming to feel me up.”

 T.J.’s noises of protest was the last thing the rest of the team heard before the connection cut off, replaced by the laughter of the victors ringing through the site.

[gallant-gained]

@tactful-kind-daedra​

Playing the trumpet as sound effects as she walks around and goes about her business.

[naive-petals]

“Miyu is my waifu!”

[reallysomeonetookobituaries]

My bones creak

So I can't sneak

[myfrillspaythebills]

Its pretty bad when your pet detective has more game than you do

"Little boys need game, men have class."

[kneelbeforeyourdogbabylon]

This made me laugh so much! Highly recommended for fans of crack—and be sure to read the previous chapters, they are Gold as well.

💖

Snatched 3: Weekend at Crowley’s

Final chapter of Snatched is up! Thanks to @kneelbeforeyourdogbabylon for the beta and general support 😊

Aziraphale and Crowley are on the run with the Son of God in tow, trying to avert the Second Coming, but they run into a spot of trouble when they get Jesus discorporated. Luckily help is on the way, because as it turns out, body snatching? It runs in the family. The thrilling conclusion to the Snatched Saga.

8k words, rated M

TW/CWs: blood, dead bodies (no one actually dies they just get inconveniently discorporated), transphobia (very brief and justice is swiftly dealt), references to Sharknado

Read on AO3

———

“That was such a fun time,” Jesus said. “Crowley really is a great guide.”

“Oh yes,” Aziraphale said, “I’ve heard some of the stories.”

“Did he tell you about the time in Sweden when we got laid?” Jesus said.

Crowley spat out his coffee all over the steering wheel.

“No, no, we didn’t–” he sputtered. Aziraphale was looking at him with absolute horror.

“Yes we did, we laid together under the stars.”

“Jesus, that’s not the phrase,” Crowley said quickly. “Your translation from Aramaic isn’t quite–”

“When we slept together?” Jesus amended.

“So much worse, dear Satan, I think you mean when we slept adjacent but separately, respectable distance apart, to watch the northern lights, and do absolutely nothing else.”

Aziraphale was glaring daggers at him.

Things had been weird between the two of them since they reunited. Neither of them were good at talking about their feelings, and they’d been so busy running around trying to figure out what The Metatron was up to that they’d barely had time to do anything more than have marathon sex in the Bentley. And now here they were, on babysitting duty for the Son of God.

Continue reading on AO3

Read from the beginning

@goodomensafterdark

[zhertvapobedy]

#kolya vc: it can't be treason. /i'm/ the prince ( @korolnichevoya​ )

“ yeah well i’m a saint, so it’s divine treason. ”

[theothervonkarmagirl]

@prettyboywarrior

Xaos vc: unfortunately

"Do you want to go back to the dungeon?!"

[heclingmuzik]

"I think what they need is some edibles or something. I know a guy! or two. dudes who gets high together sticks together."

[on-21-jump-street]

Totally see this.

21 Jump Street: Incorrect Quotes

Judy Hoffs: and what should be our primary rule in the Chapel?

Hanson and Ioki: don’t dare Penhall to do stupid stuff

Hoffs: and why is that?

Penhall *with his head stuck in between stair railings*: i have no regard for my personal wellbeing

[naive-petals]

“Im a fox MILF too!”

Beat.

“Whats a MILF?”

[noh-ell]

how did wallter get the crackity crack on his hea d

i need 2 know

Wallter's a pretty tall guy, sitting at a whopping 10 ft! I like to think that thanks to his height he has a hard time getting around sometimes, the world just isn't built for giants. He's bumped his head a lot over the years and that damage takes a toll...