#CHRIST IVE GONE ABSOLUTELY INSANE

[enthyrea]

let’s boogie

[k1rameki]

i think i need to expand on my losergirl ayana agenda bc lord have i become hyperfixated (buckle up bc i have gone absolutely insane over this) (this might also end up becoming a hc dump uh oh) (also bear in mind thanks to all the recent art ive been seeing of her ive been on a real ayana kick when it comes to ships n shit so yeah some hcs with the other characters imma mention can be interpreted romantically too teehee) (and also!!! more general ayana hcs too :333 i have a cavity in mein cranium that can only be filled with soft ayana content)

also quick emoji keys for dialogue i may add for this ^_^

🎸 - aldryx

🩻 - tabi

🔻- ayana

🎧 - dalia

📼 - agoti

some of the many reasons i believe ayana is an absolute girlfailure is her complete and utter failure in her previous relationship/s (I SAY THIS BC SHE PROBABLY HAS BEEN IN A FEW THAT HAVENT WORKED OUT LONG BEFORE SHE MET BOYFRIEND,, also shes just awkward as hell but thats a story for anotha time)

NOT ONLY THAT BUT HELLO??? she appears so calm and collected whenever shes engaging in simple conversation but internally shes freaking out and she has no idea where anything is gonna end up going and often times she can and she WILL let stupid things slip out of her mouth and immediately she regrets it

and let me tell you this she gets more and more pathetic and losery around dalia,, this woman is in LOVE (hence that stupid doodle i made where aya's just freaking out over the slightest bit of affection given to her) (looks like she might have abandonment issues sorry what)

IN FACT. GIVING PHYSICAL AFFECTION TO EVERYONE. SHES ALL FOR THAT SHIT,, hugs, kisses, stroking hair, you name it, this girl is a massive cuddlebug you cant convince me otherwise

i mentioned my pastry chef ayana hc in passing but i'm gonna fully expand on that now: SO. also aya family hcs bc people should talk ab that but ayana's dad is a chef (no specific speciality, but he does make a lot of baked goods) and growing up she would often mirror what he does and that eventually led to her practicing and honing her skills! :D (she also studies culinary arts at college teehee) ALSO!!! she brings all sorts of baked goods she makes over for all her favourite people to enjoy constantly whether that be cookies, pastries, cakes, all of that yummy stuff

despite being an absolute loser girlfail idiot she can jam on the bass like its no tomorrow. IM TALKING ABOUT SLAP, FINGERPICKING, YOU NAME IT, SHE CAN DO IT ‼️‼️ here's an example of the bass playing style i had in mind for her, very energetic and fluid heuehehehehehe

SPEAKING OF (and this ties in a little with my band au) and whenever she drops an epic bassline everyone just stops and stares at her totally being in the zone

🔻: –casually having the time of her life playing a bassline like theres no tomorrow–

🎸: "yo holy crap aya where has this energy been this entire time"

🔻: "huh what do you mean"

HAIR EXTENSIONS!!! ive talked about this on discord before but ayana with naturally shorter hair so she wears hair extensions! (also bc gender euphoria but shhhh)

i also believe that aldryx and tabi had zero idea that she wore them and just believed her hair was naturally long. this is how their conversation went trust;

🔻: " hey guys ^_^"

🩻: ".....did you cut your hair?"

🔻: "no? my hair has always been short"

🎸: "IT HAS??!!??!!??! 😨 I THOUGHT YOUR HAIR WAS JUST REALLY LONG"

🩻: "ME TOO— jesus christ my life is a lie"

🔻: "theyre hair extensions not the holy grail calm down 😭😭😭"

AND NOW THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT AYANA INTERACTING WITH THE OTHERS, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY AGOTI/AYA DUO HC BC HELLO romantic or platonic these two are fucking adorable, the loserboy + losergirl pairing ever frfr (also bc i hc that theyre really close in age bc iirc ayana's birthday is january 28th so that would make her around 3-4 months younger than agoti to me at least teehee)

those two gossip about anything and everything and every single night they do each other's hair n spend time doing full fledged spa routines while talking shit about anyone and everyone bc theyre high maintenance as hell and take pride in their combined collection of bazillions of good smelling bodywashes and shampoos

🔻: "oh my god, goti i cant believe i forgot to tell you about some crazy interaction i had with someone earlier today i swear its driving me crazy"

📼: "BITCH AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME SOONER? YOU'D BETTER START FROM THE BEGINNING I NEED DETAILS IN FULL"

🔻: "OKOK SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS—"

also she works as a seamstress in her spare time when she's not doing music or baking ^_^ she often uses her expertise to create some outfits (with the help of sketches done by either tabi or agoti) and often has trouble finding someone to be her muse so she often gets dalia to help

she takes this VERY seriously by the way if she hears a singular complaint she will go insane

🎧: "how long is this gonna take 😔😔 my arms are getting sore babe i cant stand like this for much longer"

🔻: "dee i love you but i swear to god if you say that one more time i'm going to stab you with this needle until your arm is red and swollen BE PATIENT PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU 😭😭😭"

🎧: "😀😀😀😀😀 youre gonna WHAT"

also. shes got a BIG sweet tooth — she and tabi bond over sweets and trying all sorts of new things together, especially chocolatey things bc theyre both obsessed with chocolate anything

🩻: "aya i went to the store and i found this wafer cake thing and i thought you and i should try it"

🔻: "TABI THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS OMG go grab two spoons right now you and i are eating all of this right now"

🩻: "OKAY SURE :] i can already tell this is gonna taste good"

also sometimes she forgets to eat proper meals and will consistently only have sweets and snacks all day until someone calls her out on it, shes very forgetful, oopsies!

[pilotheather]

ok.

the usernames are making my lose it first of all

what the fuck is happening please help me

so this could either be the most cringe one (by my measure) or the best one or completely mid. we'll have to see

althoguh one thing i will say its so fucking funny theres a single episode OF SOCIAL MEDIA in a tv show and the Sheep will be like ZOMGGG!! BLACK MIRRORRRRR. shut up

ruby sunday youre so cuteeeeeeeeeeee

2 long hours of data processing is so real - says the data engineer

hi theres bugs

CHRIST IT LOOKS SO FUCKING BADDD I LOVEEE IT I LVOE YOU UGLY CREATUREEEEEEEE

well i could say this whole thing is heavy hadned but as a chronically online loser whose only form of interaction is through a screen and is incapable of existing in the real world im not allowed to say anything i think unfortunately. best leave the other chronically online assholes to say stuff like that

im sure rtd is being an absolute troll at this point directly pointing it out. come on bro.

OH MY HAZY DAYS <- A VERY GOOD PHRASE

UNMUTE GOTHIC PAULLLLL

oh my goshhh it's ricky september. naur way.

im only half convinced this is the doctor using a Schimmer <- said for no other reason except ive got the 10 saying Schimmerrrrr stuck in my head like an earworm

okay so its not...

why on earth is ricky september like the goat. whys that so funny. itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

is it seriously alphabetical roder that's so funny

ehrm

NOT THE SENTIENT DOTS HELP ME

OK THATS SORRY THAT BIT IS LAME AS SHIT. LIKE THATS THE LAMEST ONE YOU COULD DO. ok i get it. ok fineee. i mean ok yeah duhhhh of course the beasts were intentional . even if it was jsut something similarly goofy, but at least tying it together- like the social media algorithm was axing them, or this was part of the whole discipline thing she kept mentioning gone wronglikebut i thought it was gonna be something else. the dots just found them annoyinggg COME ON BRO

HELP ME

SHES LIKE FUCK HIMMMM FUCK HIM FFUCK RICKY SEPTEMBERRRRRRR

GIRL

IM ALUGHING I DONT KNOW I DIDNT EXPECT HIS HEAD TO DO THAT and her just giving them both a look- a WODNERFUL MAN YOU LITERALLY J

LINDY YOU'RE INSANE IM LAUGHING SORRY HELP ME CHRIST

there is no way these people are like 17-27 is that a hateful thing to say

HELP ME THISENDING IS BEYODN FUNNY. SORRY THIS IS THE FUNNIEST ENDING. CHRIST. I MEAN YEAH THIS SHIT REAL AS FUCK. BUT OH MY GOD. RUBY JUST HAVING A WEE MENTY B TOO. MY FUCKING GOD. THEYRE ALL GOING TO DIE OUT THERE THATS ... I MEAN FUCKING YEAH. THATS WHAT THOSE TYPES OF PEOPLE WOULD DO

LINDY YOU'RE LIKE THE WORST PERSON IVE EVER SEEN ON MY SCREEN

[gobstoppr]

a ramble about . having hand and wrist pain that all started hitting me at once .theres no real thesis i just have been thinking about shit . happy disability awareness month .

god for what, over 4months now , ive had chronic hand/wrist pain thats made it fucking frustrating as all hell to do . the things i want to do . i cant play games for hours at a time . i can barely draw for over 30 minutes at a time without a break (oftentimes i have to take breaks long before that point) . i cant scroll on my dash forever since even with the keyboard shortcuts it strains over time (sidenote but CHRIST can i just . but a bookmark on a point on my dash. i want to come back there later and scroll from there . iwant the site to stop lagging ). everything i do i have to consider how bad my bones will hurt from it and if i can do it, if its something i can adjust to make easier on my hands, if its something worth 'wasting' what i call my 'hand stamina' for the afternoon. like oh if i play video game then i wont be able to draw or do shit for like at least 30min .

ive gone to the doctors. ive gone to the tests . its not carpel tunnel they say ! thank you for clearing that option after 3.5 months of pain. now i get to do more trial and error tests to see what i have . ive finally gotten at least like. the orders to let me get physical therapy so hopefully that can help . just side note i fucking HATE decentralized medical care holy SHIT why cant this info just be fucking shared between u guys . i wait 2 weeks between getting to go into the doctor and say 'yea mate it still fucking hurts' so they can give me a different appointment 2 weeks later and so on . its so much fucking treading water . weve been over this bullshit . why do i have to wait 2 weeks to see the dr for 10 minutes and then figure out an appointment . i just fucking . god .

i have to go to college in a month . im not going to be better in a month . im definetly never reaching what was once 'normal' condition for a long time . its . its hard to think about that shit . i feel like ive been trapped ykno.

i remember . for about 3 months. starting in late september 2021. i was having an absolute fucking blast . i had spamton brainrot . i could pump out several small doodles a day, sometimes multiple cleaned up/colored sketches, every couple weeks i might make a fully finished piece . i could spend hours upon hours just. doing what i loved . drawing silly guy who i liked . seeing what the other people in my community were doing . art, creativity is a conversation to me. i see peoples works, i get inspired, i want to create, even if i don't have anything in particular to say at that moment . it doesnt matter i have no ideas for posing or anything . i wanted to create . and i created .

i could be in my element . have this conversation . this feedback loop of inspiration . a constant improvement to my own skills as i just enjoyed art how i enjoy art . i'm mad at myself for not taking more breaks. im mad at myself for not fucking stretching all these years . but i will never regret my time . it was worth every second . and even if im not always interacting with everyone i met thru that time, im forever thankful for getting to meet all of them .

this is sounding a bit mopey huh . ok some quick advice then for this sorta shit in general.

for one . yes i know its fucking hard . but please just stretch a lil sometimes . even just learning one or two u can do pretty consistently can help u get going . this page has alot of good ones.

two . get yourself a good dumbass friend to watch stupid cartoons with you . yes im serious . if it were not for having my sister this summer to watch anime for children i would have gone insane with boredom whenever my hands hurty so i cant do shit . find yourself some bullshit to binge and laugh at . highly recommend the yokai watch dub of seasons 1+2 . good head empty but very entertaining shit . incredible for passing the time

three . find shortcuts for doing smaller straining tasks udont really think about . for example, theres the more prominant things like using keyboard shortcuts to navigate ur dash, but then theres stuff like realizing . oh trying to cut my sandwich with a knife is a kinda weird strain and because the bread is so soft its hard to cut super easily . so now i just . tear my pb+j up with my hands to cut it . jsut rip it . its not fucking worth the nonsense

yeah ok i think im out of things to say for now but yea. fucking hands huh . take care of yourselves gamers . i apologize if this is a bit gloomy

[myownprivatcidaho]

HOWS THE CRUSH GOING GIRL IVE BEEN GONE FROM TUMBLR SO LONG I FEEL LIKE IM TOO BEHIND ON THIS

HIII EL OMG. so sorry it took me a minute and a half to answer this. ok SO. like im about as expressive as darcy pride & prejudice and emotionally available as bruce springsteens dad so its taken me a while to convey any type of interest. but i did it. it took WEEKS but basically heres what happened (and ik you know some of this stuff but yknow theres shit i gotta call back to for reference ashgsdg)

- realized he had a thing for me after he tried getting my number and so i sat next to him every week in ass flattering jeans thinking that was me making advances. this was done as i also never looked him in the eye never talked to him never looked at him when he talked and generally just didnt acknowledge his existence. (like reflexively ive just found it imperative to never ever let on that i like someone so i had to like. really really really jump that hurdle & overcome it)

- realized he was sort of backing away like he didnt think anything was gonna happen because. yknow i wasnt ACKNOWLEDGING him. meanwhile he was always being sweet and helpful and all that jazz. so i was starting i was STARTING to mope about how everyone leaves me because i can never show that i want them etc just total victim complex stuff before i Shut That Shit Down. i decided i was gonna get this guys number and on god i was gonna TALK to him and then he would see. then he would fucking see.

- finally was able to get his number but i made it as impersonal as possible just reflexively. this was right after getting another classmates number and then i approached him (by lowkey running after him) and said smth like "hey can i get your number. .. i need more people in this class's number" so. yeah so i got it and texted "hi! this is sia" so he had my number but this was 2 seconds after as i was walking away so.

- was totally distraught he never responded even though thats really not the type of thing you necessarily respond to. so i was so TORN UP like i was totally making advances by sitting next to him in ass flattering jeans i got his NUMBER so whats he waiting for im totally doing all the work here. and then it hit me .... this guy has absolutely no reason to believe that i like him. ive never ACKNOWLEDGED him i never looked at him i was twirling my hair over him on here but meanwhile in person i seemed like the most indifferent fucker on the planet. also that meant i wasnt showing interest by sitting next to him every week in Jeans but giving him just an extremely hard time instead. shit.

- so i talked to my sister about it. which i never do like she tells me everything i dont tell her everything but. like shes got a gf so she knows SOMETHING about emotional availability in intimacy so. i spilled my problem and basically she was like. flirt with him i was like NAUR. and she threw out other suggestions and i kept rejecting them and she was like jesus christ sia. she settled for saying "how about you start out with looking at him when he talks" and i was like "BUT PEOPLE WILL SEE" and she was like. "so?" i was like. hm. good point. so there was that and then she was like "check him out maybe too. and let him see it" and i was like OKAY. OKAY I CAN DO THIS. so i DID IT. and he SAW. i was on about it here for days like he saw i was acknowledging him and THEN he caught me looking at his hands. his nice ass hands. and SO he started flexing them more hes insane. hes insane. and THENNNNN he started doing fingering gestures hes bonkers hes batshit (i was straining my peripheral vision to watch so i couldnt tell if it was his index & middle finger or middle & ring. but either way. hes fucking crazy.)

- so i was like OKAY. im gonna wear my slutpants. and thats when i sent you the pics for an Opinion much appreciated bless you :')

- HE WASNT FUCKING THERE. so i was like OKAY. OKAY. fuck it im texting him and so i DID.

- turns out he is comically slow at responding. every fucking time id respond id get torn up over him taking fucking 5ever to respond. this was about the time The Anon came into my inbox and blessed me with encouragement that their now-boyfriend used to take SUPER slow to respond and they, also, would be crying pissing throwing up etc until hed respond again. so i was like OKAY I CAN DO THIS

- the next class after our slow ass conversation sorta ended after taking a literal week to exchange a net total of like 8 texts like. we sat next to each other again and we were able to just talk a little. he is SO easy to talk to and so friendly and so FUNNY its like. i like you so bad. and then i did my scene and basically i was crying on the floor and shit and like he was super helpful and encouraging as always and at one point he was like giving notes and he looked me in the eye and i looked HIM and the eye and it was so nice to have that. we werent iffy or nervous and he didnt seem worried about Saying The Wrong thing it was just. peaceful and still. yknow. ALSO his pupils were dilated as hell ive said it before ill say it again ppl with light eyes are SEETHROUGH. bless him

- SO i wore my slutpants AGAIN the next week. that day like i think we both got so iffy we barely talked. after some sorta musical chairs he ended up sitting in front of me AND I WAS WEARING NY SLUTPANTS. musty wail dot jpeg etc. we started that class like sorta talking and then i think we both got so iffy and nervous we barely talked and like. when id say something he Would Not turn around to look like even when everyone else did (pretty small class) like he was looking Dead Ahead like. girl. and then i was crying and throwing up again before realizing like. the times he DID look at me were. holy shit. like i mean he was just. 🧿👄🧿 like he looked So. idk i dont want to say head over heels cause that feels egotistical but. jesus its like. wow. keep looking at me like tgat please. not even a horny type of looking it just kinda. :'). like made my heart melt. still not over it. ALSO he like straight up smiled at me while i was talking. i think he really likes kids and especially now bc this was one of the few times he turned around to look at me and i was talking about one of my neices and he was just :') like straight up like grinning and has SUCH a beautiful smile. i used to think "your smile makes my day" was one of the cheesiest most obvious romantic compliments but. jesus christ man its TRUE.

- so after that i wore the slutpants One Last Time before it got too cold. this was a couple weeks ago before thanksgiving break which was this past week (so no class :/). BUT. so he was about to sit in front again and then Noticed my pants and then like. backtracked JUST in time. like he went to the front abd then was about to walk along the front row and was gonna sit right in front of me but THEN i heard him go "is this someones pencil?" and i looked up and he picked up a pencil lying right next to the chair next to me and then he SAT. DOWN. IN. THAT. CHAIR. it was a nice save. sorta clumsy and would be indiscreet if anyone knew we've been eyefucking for like 3 weeks now but fortunately thats not the case.

for reference:

- SO. that class went well. he didnt even try being discreet checking me out cause he KNOWS i was wearing them for him because its part of What We're Doing. like i wore the slutpants and he returned the favor by flexing his hands/did fingering gestures for me to look at cause he knows i like that. at this rate its like we've been playing a game where we do something the other likes to look at and then the other returns the favor by doing something they like. also we'll purposefully mirror each others body language a lot but ESPECIALLY before and/or after we're like. being Playful. its all flirting if youre insane enough.

so yeah thats all the recent shit and i have COME TO THE CONCLUSION. if nothing happens before the end of the semester then on the last day im GONNA ASK HIM OUT!!!!!!! stupid excited also he made some jokes im still laughing at a week later hes so funny also it turns out he was homeschooled which kinda follows i wondered once or twice but. idk how to explain it just sorta Makes Sense. like at least in texas leftist dudes are already usually pretty sweet but hes like. kinda Extra sweet like theres another component there. was kinda surprising cause otherwise he doesnt initially give off HomeSchooler Vibes cause hes just really laid back and also clearly fucks (and is a fast learner who returns favors and generally likes making people feel good and has nice hands that he knows how to use man this is gonna be GOOD). but yeah i can see the homeschooling influence. he seemed kinda surprised tgat i was homeschooled because i Do Not give off those vibes yknow i put in effort to purposefully seem more confident and assertive and sure of myself and experienced than i actually am. but just as well because tgat wall has Got to come down i feel like half of whats made this take so long is im way too guarded and quick to shut down my emotions or even just my own general authenticity so. YEAH thats been that HOW ARE YOU DOING?? id love to hear how lifes been for you :DDD

[adashelbysgirlfriend]

A Taste for Something Younger  - Polly Grey Headcannon

Omg I love the Ada roommate headcanon! Could you do the same for Polly? Maybe with a woman a little older/same age as Ada (because we accept age gaps in this household) and her and Polly actually get together in the end? I'd die for that ( @vikingsxf​ )

this idea gave me a big gay hard on and honestly I'm so glad you had it; Polly doesn't get enough love. Ive gone for a younger (Ada age) reader because we definitely support a healthy age gap relationship and i just want to pretend its me who's with polly so. ALSO THIS IS A BIT SMUTTY JUST A LITTLE BIT BUT JUST A WARNING OKAY BABES 

you and Ada had been friends since she started at the library

you both had a lot in common and she would tell you about her crazy relatives which always kept you entertained

obviously you had no clue that the Ada Throne you knew was actually thee Ada Shelby 

when you finally do meet her brother in one of his unannounced visits to her flat its a massive shock that your besties family are the notorious Shelby's 

she brings you out to meet the other brothers and John and Arthur both take a liking to you

when Finn tells Polly about Adas new friend from the city who is breaking hearts all over Birmingham she doesn't really have much to think 

i mean it wouldn't be the first time the shelby boys lost their heads over a girl (especially dumb and dumber) and it probably won't be the last

but when she gets the pleasure of meeting you she can't help but understand why the lads lost their heads

you're stunning, not just physically 

you're mind is almost too wise for your years

“you've got an old soul” 

“thank you, Mrs Gray”

“its Miss, and call me Pol”

you're around a lot

you help in the office with the other women and come for drinks when Tommys in a good mood and feels like having the gang out

Polly’s sass making an impression

you're really intimidated by her because she's just this all knowing mature lady who is also really stunning 

she invites you and ada over to have a girly evening 

you literally don't want to go

anxious as hell

i feel like Polly is one of those people that gives off this no bullshit vibe, so you're scared to even chat to her just incase you say the wrong thing

dressing to impress by buying a new outfit and feeling like a fool for it

its the first thing Polly notices when she sees you 

“you look ravishing don't you”

literally blushing all over

stumbling on your words

Ada has no clue whats going on and is so confused

maybe even a little jealous? why are you swooning over her auntie so much 

Ada gets a surprise phone call and has to leave and you are wanting to leave with her but Polly all nah stay 

this is the (best) WORST CASE SCENARIO PEOPLE 

ALONE WITH POLLY 

in her HoUSE

getting drunk to hide the fear but then also getting loose lipped

chatting absolute beans with her and she can't stop laughing at you 

Because she loves that you're a bit scared of her but seeing a more bold side of you kinda turns her on

the drinking night becomes a weekly thing

you start to relax into Polly presence 

seeking comfort in your time in her home 

Ada doesn't even get an invite anymore

getting drunk together and her listening while you babble on about literally the most random topics ever

you get two whiskies in and start telling her all the facts you know about giraffes or the fall of the Berlin wall

and she just loves to sit and watch you 

insane tension 

a lot of staring 

touching but nothing that would cross the friendship line, flirting with it though 

her doing you makeup and telling you about the wild things she's done 

that almost so close you could kiss but without the kiss tension when she's in your face putting your lipstick on

she says you look good in red, which you don't believe but at this point she could tell you you looked good in a teletubbie costume and a bitch would be dressed head to toe as Lala

she sees you start to push your comfort zones and she loves it 

the new found confidence makes her horny as hell

Jealous Ada is more jealous when she sees you walking round in Polly’s shade of lipstick 

“she must really like you to let you borrow that” - but its LACED IN GAY ANGST BECAUSE WTF HOW DID HER AUNT STEAL YOU 

i feel like you make the first move 

which isn't something you or Polly expected

like you've both been drinking all night and for some reason you start doing vodka shots

and this is the good shit vodka were stalking russian standard pissed off your tits shit love

and you watch her neck those shots like she's getting paid by the hour

and you just 

walk stumble right on over there and fall into her lap 

grab that sexy face in both hands and give her the softest kiss she's ever had in her life

it feels like her first kiss ever

which is saying something because you betcha that womans had a lot of kisses

polly doesnt know how to respond she's SHOOK 

she doesn't even close her eyes she's like 

literally frozen in shock 

pulling straight back

whoops

suddenly all that drunk confidence is gone and you're hit with that crippling anxiety you get when you've done something wrong and been caught for it 

Polly grabbing a fist full of your hair and pulling you back down 

now she's KISSING YOU AND OH LORD 

passion 

she's not even clumsy when she's drunk like you are this woman is EXPERIENCED

lip biting oh my christ 

not that pussyass nibbling but actual biting 

and tongue 

and i mean after that loves theres no going back really is there

finding your confidence again or maybe just horniness and drifting your hand under her skirt

your newfound confidence surprises her but she refuses to let you know that because hello she's Polly fucking Gray 

“dont start something you can't finish, little dove”

“do you want me to stop?”

“i didn't say that”

this is the START OF SOMETHING NEW

leaving her panting and sweating, lipstick smudged and clinging to the arms of the chair

i mean once it happens once its a common occurrence loves

not that either of you are complaining 

not just sex but dates in her living room by the fire

walks together arm and arm 

nobody really thinks to much of seeing her and you together, either assuming you're just one of the boys girlfriends or that you're her niece or something 

and they couldn't be more wrong but their ignorance is bliss

she loves how young you make her feel

and you love how much she takes care of you

i feel like maybe she's a little nervous of baring all to you; physically and mentally

her body is slightly more mature than yours, things aren't as new and shiny as yours may be; i feel like she’d take some reassurance maybe before she knew that you wouldn't just leave her for someone your own age

not that Polly is one to doubt her self worth but she feels like maybe she's just a phase for you 

you wouldn't want her any other way though; you love her body and lets be real we all do too 

she takes even longer to be open about her memories and past

i feel like she slowly but surely reveals more and more about her private life until she can finally trust you with the complete story 

the rest of the shelbys know better than to question Polly on her personal choices; but they are happy to see the carefree woman they remember from when they were young 

even salty Ada can see the happiness you bring out in her, although she doesn't want to admit it to herself

Polly buys lingerie for you all the time 

being bratty and flashing your bra strap to her in public places 

or grabbing her hand and running it under your dress until she can feel the lace of your underwear when you're both out in the Garrison 

she has this “wait until i get you home” look that you'll do anything to provoke 

she teases you until you beg for her to let you finish as punishment 

“you see what you get for being naughty, y/n?”

she likes it when you ride her face, because although Polly is still in control she likes to put you in a position of power

and she likes to be able to see all of you when you're close to the edge

angry sex, because lets be real Polly can be a snappy little bitch and when you both get angry what better way is there to solve the issue than rough lesbian sex 

she loves your smile 

and your giggle

it makes her feel like a teenager all over again 

nobody really understands how you put up with such a intimidating, dominating woman everyday but they don't see cuddly Polly who likes to be little spoon 

she does her very best to keep you out of the family business and always will because you're one of the only people on earth Polly couldn't live without 

you often joke about how Polly would just move in after you but she knows that after you there would be nobody else for her

“without you my little doll, i couldn't be me” 

lots of lap sitting 

hair stroking  

the sweetest kisses; she tastes of cherry and whisky

she says you're like pink gin, sweet tasting and extremely intoxicating 

Polly had given up on love until she found you, and now she's got you best believe she will spend the rest of time she has on earth making sure she keeps you 

[hellerism]

I want an essay on #12)

12. symbolism: tell me about some cool symbolism in spn! your pick

*puts on my english major hat* im about to put more effort into this than anything ive ever written for college. ok top 10 supernatural symbolism...this isnt in any particular order its just whatever i think of first. also it might not be actual top 10 im just remembering random shit. this has gotten out of hand so im putting it under a read more

1. the most obvious one, the impala. many have discussed this before me and im probably just repeating what others have said, but the impala is an extension of deans body/a representation and mirror of both his physical and mental state. obviously the impala gets destroyed in the season 1 finale when dean is dying. and he rebuilds it in season 2, while he is trying to regroup and rebuild from the death of his father. ive seen a post about how dean losing it and smashing the impala is a metaphorical form of self-harm which is :(( also, the impala staying covered and hidden away while dean is living with lisa and ben with this reading is so interesting. i do think dean loved the idea of a normal life with lisa and ben more than the reality (not that i dont think he loved them! any scene with dean and ben makes me soft). but this also makes it that much sadder because supernatural considers dean unable to live a life that doesnt involve hunting; the impala is hidden and dean is a shell of his real self. in season 7, they once again have to hide the impala away and use other cars. the impala is gone and hidden away; something is wrong. dean is hurting. he isnt his full self. why? whats missing during that time? cas. and in season 10, when dean is a demon, he stops caring for the impala. you know, because something is wrong with him. because hes a demon.

2. dean knocking over and breaking the angel statue in the beautiful room. he makes it fall with a single touch, hardly a push. and all it took cas was a single touch for him to fall and break. dean, of course, doesnt mean to shatter cas, though he does mean to make him fall. dean repeatedly argues with cas, acting as the human opposite to cas’ emotionless faith in heaven, pushing him toward the edge, pushing him to rebel, pushing him to choose humanity. and it works; cas learns to love through dean, and through that he rebels against heaven and falls in “every way imaginable.” and when he hits the ground, he breaks, shattering all his faith in god and everything, leading into the godstiel arc as he tries to put his pieces back together.

3. the streetlight as a halo over cas’ head in on the head of a pin. it flickers when anna appears, which is physically meant to show her power. however, it also shows cas’ wavering faith in heaven. interesting how anna, the angel who chose humanity over heaven and decided to fall, is the one making cas’ halo flicker. he is beginning to question things. he is beginning to feel. he is beginning to fall.

4. deans leather jacket in the first few seasons. its not actually dean’s, of course. it belonged to john. dean picks it up and puts it on while he and sam are searching for him, physically shouldering the weight of johns expectations of him. its too big on him. and dean is 26 at that point. hes well past done growing; he’ll never fit perfectly into that jacket. no matter what he does, he’ll never fit perfectly into johns expectations: the perfect son, the perfect soldier. and leather jackets are heavy even if they fit well. there is a physical weight on his shoulders now, a manifestation of the weight of the world and the weight of being a parent for his younger brother and everything john has piled onto dean since he was a child. he eventually stops wearing it (bc some absolute legend stole it irl), and i wish they’d taken that as an opportunity to have dean grow out of the shadow of his father, but supernatural is a bad show so they didnt.

5. mary, who just happens to be named after the mother of jesus. the perfect wife, the loving mother, the tragic figure, the victim, clad in white, the color of innocence. except shes not. she was raised a hunter. shes lived the bloody dark side of the world hidden from most. she loved her children, but she wasnt a perfect wife and mother. she didnt know how to cook. she and john fought, and he even moved out for a few days, and she needed her four-year-old son to comfort her. she is not the virginal mother; shes an imperfect person just trying to do her best. the dabb-era deconstruction of the very concept of mary makes me crazyyyyyyy if you couldnt tell.

6. these shots from 9.14 captives

in the first shot, we have a statue of cupid over cas’ left shoulder and a cross over his right. and in the second shot, there is a bible on the right side of the table, and nothing on the left. and cas turns to the left. he turns away from god, continuously choosing to turn away from stability and what he always knew in favor of love and humanity. there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing certain in cas’ future with humanity, but he chooses them anyway. plus, cas inventing free will by falling in love with dean retroactively makes this shot that much better; there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing written for him. cas falling in love with dean created an empty space in gods story. this show is pure fucking insanity oh my god.

7. serafina the angel (the pantheistic view in that episode makes me crazy but we wont get into that). serafina, whose name is audibly similar to seraph, the class of angel that cas is. coincidentally, the only seraphim we see in the show are cas, who falls in love with dean, and akobel, who married lily sunder. serafina, who fell in love with adam, the literal progenitor of humanity. and who is the character in supernatural that has always stood for humanity as a whole? dean. serafina literally had me convinced that deancas would happen in the finale.

8. the removal of -iel from cas’ name. dear god this one drives me crazy and i doubt it was on purpose. castiel, the shield of god. for eons he existed as a warrior and tool of god. and then along comes dean winchester, who does a very human thing. he gives him a nickname. cas. he removes the “of god” part. he removes god from cas, because dean doesnt value him for being a good soldier or a good son. he values him simply because hes cas. and cas questions everything, his loyalty to heaven, his blind faith that god would one day return. he is no longer a warrior of god. he is simply cas, the shield, and this time he chooses to be a shield for humanity, for the winchesters, for dean. for the michael sword. the shield protects the sword. cas dies shielding dean. this got off topic but its just sooo insane.

9. this shit from 2.13 houses of the holy. i know it was an unplanned coincidence but jesus christ.

10. ...lamp. i know i know but it still boggles my mind. the completely out of place tap dance that they had to spend time and money on to train two actors who had never tap danced before. the lamp being a source of light. divine light. cas. the whole thing being set to the song lets misbehave. WHY LAMP.

[oh-shit-a-baby]

BLACK FRIDAY THOUGHTS PART TWO

A complete compilation of my thoughts throughout the musicals second half,,, this bois going to be real long bc I have a lot of thoughts lol

Now without @drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces :(

Yep dumbledore can still sing

Omg his voice

This song is going to make me cry aaaaa

Becky: you don’t look at all the same as I remember

Me: yeah no shit dumbledore grew a beard

Jesus,,,,, theyre just going to go for it right there,,,,,, ookay

Wtaf is this movie they’re watching

HOLY SHIT HER VOICE IS /PRETTY/ HER RANGE IS HUGE!!!

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion bc no one has an opinion yet but Becky and toms song is the cutest one ever and a bop and I love it

Jesus they payed for a balcony and they’re going to fucking use it aren’t they

WELCOME TO PEIP HQ IM SO DOWN FOR THAT

OH THERE ARE MANY DIMENSIONS????? U GONNA EXPLAIN THAT MR GENERAL MACNAMARA????

The black and white isn’t that what lexs sister was on about

Wiggly is the king u wot m8

President kurt knows nothing about anything and that’s a mood

So if the next movie isn’t about ‘13 years ago’ imma freak

U WANNA SEND ME INTO THE FUCKIN TWILIGHT ZONE AND HAVE DINNER WITH THE DEVIL??????!?!!

NO!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!!

^^^president kurt quotes

In short, mr president, we are trying to stop the birth

*dramatic piano*

Of a god.

*dRAMATIC PIANO*

It’s good score tho 10/10

Sherman young

Nuff said

After today’s great battle???

Faith in the one true god!! All hail wiggly!!!

My new religion lol

LET LAKESIDE MALL BE A NEW JERUSALEM!!!!

*cue joey and Robert just screaming wiggly for like 5 mins straight*

NO THEY FOUND LEX

OH YEAH FUCKIN KILL THEM!!!

Who????????

FUCK YEAH LINDA

CULT??? NO! ITS A NEW EXCITING RELIGION THAT I STARTED!!!!

Yeah Gerald

She pronounces Cinnabon as see-nah-bohn what’s up with that lol

I NEED A WIGGLY DOLL...... IDEALLY FOUR OF THEM!!!

IVE MET GOD. HE HAD NOTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

*cue people dying and their mics stopping working*

Holy fuck they all wanna kill Hannah now (lexs sister gets a name now apparently)

LAUREN I LOVE YOU AS A VILLAIN

I would kneel before villain Lauren any day

I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything and then I will oh shit it’s Gerald.

While I don’t want you to think for yourselves I do want you to understand what I mean when I say my evil shit

I’m sorry that choreo is a yike

ETHAN DARLING COME BACK I MISS YOU <<<333333

IM CRYING NOW

He’s in the black and white now we’ll that sounds like shit

NOT ETHAN

Hannah is the unsung hero of this musical so far

*said in wiggly voice* well, webby (Hannah’s spider imaginary friend who I think is gonna be the deus ex machina of this thing) is a stupid bitch!

Rotten little banana. I’m going to peel you. I’m going to split you in two. I’m going to eat you Hannah. I’m going to eat you right now. *all said in dramatic wiggly voice*

Aaand their mics broke again

We don’t get tricked! We’re grown ups!

And Becky and Tom are immediately evil the second they see the wiggly bc of course they are

Jesus beckys the villain???????

Welcome to the musical where everyone gets a villain song AND a hero song??????

Her voice is still beautiful

*Prancing around* DO YOU WANT SOME CANDYYYYY??????

She’s still wearing ethans hat my heart is going to go oh my god

And he just,,,,, leaves Becky to die?????

President Kurt in a space suit oh my god

And America is great again is playing in the background

MACNAMARA SAID ‘GODSPEED’ AND IS THAT A CATCHPHRASE I SENSE THERE

Yeah no president kurt can’t do foreign policy

His name is like howie or something but imma call him president kurt just like Tom was dumbledore for like the first half of this mess

Oh fuck joeys character is here and he’s gonna FUCK PREZ KURT UP

He’s eating an apple that means he’s a asshole

Holy fuck joeys character is like the ultimate capitalist

And also terrifying holy shit

NO MACNAMARA DONT GO IN THERE

Joeys character: Do you think that in the Netherlands they’d care about some toy??? Nah!!! They’re too busy with their free vacations and FREE healthcare!!

(When I refer to joeys character I mean the evil one he just doesn’t have a name yet so idk what to call him)

And joey can still sing I love him

His voice is so good and this whole villain is giving me spies are forever flashbacks

I have absolutely no fuckin clue what’s going on rn

Holy fuck joeys voice is so beautiful and his range is killing me

I take back what I said earlier this song is the best one bc joey

Holy fuck someone just hit like a high d and I have no clue who it was bc the video quality is not the greatest

JESUS THATS TERRIFYING

THE FUCK YOU MEAN DONT BE FRIGHTENED THATS MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON

LOOK AT THIS FUCKER JESUS CHRIST

Wiggly is so scary because he speaks like a child and those are scary

MACNAMARA EX MACHINA

Mac: BEGONE

Prez kurt: SORRY JOHN I FUCKED IT UP

THATS THE HOOK FROM NOT YOUR SEED ISNT IT HOLY SHIT

Joeys voice and acting is gonna kill me

Yeah made in America is the shit

MAC NO U CANT DIE U DIE IN TGWDLM

Also the black and white is a dumb as shit name for an alternate reality

Prez kurt: MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

*wiggly voice* Uh-oh mr prezzy-wez. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-womb.

Well shits about to go down

I’m calling it the bomb bombed the White House

Oop no they’ve only gone and lost Moscow

Well fuck here comes ww3 I guess

And prez kurt is definitely insane in the brain

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN THE ‘ALIENS INVADING MINDS’ BIT OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE A MUSICAL GENIUS

Jesus Sherman is a weird fuck and lex is kinda clever I guess it’s a shame we haven’t seen her for most of the musical

Lex: I THREW EM IN THE FUCKIN TRASH

LEX BABY NO DONT DIE

Lex: Is this what I live for? To be choked in a toy store?

Lexs beautiful song is this musicals version of not your seed but depression

And her voice is /pretty/

MAC?????????????

WHAT??????????????

OH MY GOD HE IS AUTHORISING HER TO USE HIS FIREARM YES QUEEN

I’m sorry lex and Hannah can do what

Jeffs voice kills me him and joey need a duet and that would be the end of me

What did lex just do in so confused

MAC DID THE SALUTE IMMA CRY YALL

And we’re back with Tom

Oh fuck lex is gonna shoot tom

Hold up Tom names his son Tim

Wiggly is playing mind tricks now yikes

Lex: KIDS DONT WANT THAT PEICE OF SHIT!!!

Tom: wat

Lex: THEYRE ALL INTO FORTNITE DUDE!!!!!

So the doll can only fuck with adults not kids???

Jesus Christ this is depressing

U wot lex

Lex: YOURE LIKE 40!!!!! YOU PROBABLY THINK YOURE LIFE IS OVER!!!!

Holy fuck this shit is deep

Wait lex still doesn’t know about Ethan oh my god

And Dylan gets another hero song holy fuck just give Robert a song already everyone else has one

At the same time though this is S a d

I’m not crying you’re crying

YES DUMBLEDORE U HIT THAT HIGH NOTE

Tom: in fact you’re real fuckin ugly

Me: yeah no shit

Lex: FUCK YEAH!!!! Should i move these boxes first?

*cue very clever scene change*

Yeah Gerald no one wants to talk to u

Oh my god Linda leave Hannah and ethans hat alone my heart is breaking for Hannah

Linda: is this some kind of a jooooke?????

They’re gonna set one of their dolls on fire ok ok ok this is fine

More villain songs ookay

If someone could tell me what the fuck is going on in this scene I’d be very impressed

Evil yoga

YES LAUREN U QUEEN

HOLY FUCK IS THAT CHARLOTTE??????

OH MY GOD ITS JAIME IN THE CHARLOTTE COSTUME IT IS CHARLOTTE HOLY SHIT

ITS CHARLOTTE AND THE HOMELESS DUDE HOLY SHIT

The choreo is...... interesting

Cue Robert not-Corey and Lauren being the only good dancers and getting special choreo

FUCK YEAH BECKY WITH THE GUN

LINDA NO

Ookay so everyone’s on fire this is fine

Emma and Paul ex machina

SOMEBODY NUKED MOSCOW!

paul is family third wheeling

YOU KNOW, SHE HAS THIS KOOKY RECLUSIVE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR

*audience fucking looses their shit*

WHO LIVES ON THE EDGE OF TOWN

Paul is having an existential crisi because he sHOULD HAVE WORN A WATCH

Someone’s gonna fall of that staircase by the end of this performance

HOLY FUCK ITS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID

IT IS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID OH NY GODDDDD

LOOK AT HIM

It’s the what if tomorrow comes bit!!!!!!!

Okay again this choreo is interesting but the vocals are all S t u n n i n g

They’re literally counting down until the end of the show imma loose my shit that’s the least subtle they’ve been during the entire show

Hang on hang on hang on hang on haaaaang on right there

Did lex just never find out that her boyfriend died we were deprived of a heart wrenching moment when she found out about Ethan

Like jeez I cried and I barely knew him she was dating the guy and just... didn’t ask about him????

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN

That’s it!!!!! Those were my thoughts the first time I watched this through!!!!!!!

Scream at me in the notes with any questions and I’ll try answer them :)

[chrliekclly]

do you think charlei and dee had sex because they mistook their genuine platonic bonding as attraction? (serious question, steming from thatlesbian dee post). I never thought of it that way, and I'm interested to hear that side !

YES that’s actully smthn i lose my sht abt !! iv blown up ppls mssgs with this kinda talk like, im a mess. ok lemme type right nd lemme type A Lot Again Anyways cz thos 2 giv me Way too many feelings (im spposd to b working on a final rn christ…)

okay…i scrolled back up after finishing nd turns out i went…literally insane…aka Much too far…so i need to under-the-cut it. mobile…viewers…i’m rly so sorry. swipe hard to leap ahead…hell im sorry fr computer viewers too. my theme is rough.

to start, my HCs surrounding chardee are rooted in charlie being on the ace spectrum and dee being gay (or like @ least bi, but imo all the men stuff is straight up compulsory heterosexuality).

i will always cling tight to the deleted scene wherein charlie says he thinks sex is gross and will genuinely get sick when he thinks about it unless he thinks about it with one specific woman. i know he shows sexual interest a decent amount of times throughout the show and has canonically had sex (on camera too, yeesh) but i see each time as very out of the blue moments (coming onto dee @ multiple points while worked up, agreeing to bang tatiana cuz she says to, that kinda thing) or relating to his long standing and delusional obsession with the waitress. in that vein, he’s also canonically enjoyed sex, and I don’t try and blind-eye any of it, because ace doesn’t always mean sex can’t be enjoyed in the moment. charlie definitely has a libido, and bodies be bodies. hell, sex-repulsed can sometimes even flip 180 in the right conditions. shit is one fun spectrum i’ll tell you that…but either way, to start with him, i think him going forward with banging dee was very much a misjudgment of what feelings are and being extremely caught up in a moment where he felt real, genuine, closeness with someone else who he was having a damn good time making terrible poetry with.

as for dee, i, first of all, just agree with everything in that post. in the context of chardee, as much as i will lose my mind in tags about how hard i ride or die the ship, it’s mostly my obsession with their dynamic. i don’t think chardee is meant to be endgame. i absolutely 100% believe that dee, too, is misinterpreting her feelings. i think part of it is her consistent comp het, and the other is she’s never been close with someone the way she has been with charlie, and she doesn’t know what she’s meant to do with it. i think she was similarly caught up in a moment in which she showed her own vulnerability, opening herself up to someone who could easily just ridicule her as she’s used to (”right now? i’m scared”), and she receives support from him instead (”you’re not gunna bomb, you’re gunna do great”). we’ve seen how much dee craves validation, thats her entire thing. i’m not shocked she dropped her pants in this moment lmao. she probably felt her damn heart flutter cuz she got told by someone who she at least somewhat trusts that she really is good, even if she doesn’t think so. the only rational explanation for the feeling associated with that person is that he’s The One right? pretty big leap

just…basically i dont think either of them know what a relationship is.

charlie’s lived nearly his entire life deluding himself into thinking that, 1. he and the waitress have a relationship that is anything other than creepy, and 2. that the warped-ass mess of an image he’s created in his brain for what he and the waitress are to each other is what love is. he thinks he’s making progress in getting close to her when the only thing she’s Ever done pre-s12 is ask him to leave her the fuck alone. he’s never even attempted to look past the waitress before, and the only time he shows interest in other people it’s purely his libido talking. he doesn’t pursue romance, and the one time we’ve seen him do so he was using her to get to, who else?, the damn waitress. 

dee’s lived her entire life having to prove herself to every single person she interacts with, and its familiar to her to getting ahead by using men, usually as sexual objects. i’m hesitant to bring this up on a post wherein i speak on dee’s sexuality because i don’t want to link this trait to it in any way as if its related, but to be fair, dee is as much a serial rapist as dennis is in that regard. the gang are shitty people, we know that. she will get men drunk to have sex with them, or pressure them into it, or trick them into it. she’s not having sex with these men for pleasure, she’s literally doing it for power. it’s absolutely fucked up, but so is she.

when she Is romantically involved, she’s shown to leap headfirst into those relationships and blow them out of proportion on 0 grounds for it. she buys a promise ring for a guy who didn’t think they were dating, it’s implied she’s going to actually go ahead with the brad fisher marriage thing after the episode ends, she gloats about how important she is to a stripper who was literally shame-crying during sex (also? she says “we BOTH wept,” and she can say that’s because it was that good, but i really doubt it). i mean the woman GAGS when talking to men she’s “nervous” around, something she takes as meaning she’s attracted to them? lmao uh???

at this point i’ve probably repeated myself over and over, my brain is on backwards and my train of thought went off the rails years ago. but i’m still gunna retype an old set of tags i found:

i hc that neither of them end up together but they do go through a relationship-ish phase, but dee’s gay and charlie’s okay with that (and always ace in my mind) because they finally move on from their own irrational drives to adhere to what they think is expected of them. i dont think either of them have any idea what a relationship is meant to be and they pathetically grasp at each other because they’re kind-ish to one another and that feels safe for once. chardee may be my main ship but i purposefully backtrack on myself because i know they’re two people who barely know love and have found each other, both as underdogs in their environments, and feel an electrifying Something that they Cant Name wen theyre together, and that something just so happens to be friendship and they don’t realize it cuz they’re doofuses who’ve led really unfortunate lives where friendship and hatred are always intermingling.

i’ve never brought it up here, but i often imagine a timeline of their relationship, because i enjoy the idea of them figuring themselves out through each other, just because they are genuinely amazing (platonically) together, and they get into some of my favorite shit. the thought of late night talks and confessions about their worries and confusion about their feelings while lying in bed, just close because they feel comfortable that way, realizing they can keep loving each other and not force it to mean something it doesn’t, the relief that comes with that, a final kiss that really doesn’t mean anything but thank you, not losing what they had but rather gaining a whole new kind of intimacy, and still getting into absolutely ridiculous situations. maybe dee realizes shes, ironically, found herself with a crush on the waitress and it cracks charlie up. he doesnt mind. he’s finally learned that if he Is going to be with someone it should definitely be with someone who makes him feel at Least half as comfortable as the way being around dee does, and knowing he doesn’t have to make himself look for that, but when he knows he will know. plus, he cant imagine dee pulling that one off. but maybe one day she does. dees gentler around the edges, and she gets butterflies when talking to women, but she never gags. charlie’s a terrible wingman but he keeps convincing dee to let him try. she brings a girl home for the first time and charlie all but backflips in an empty pool that day. they’re still shithats but they’re learning to let that go. people can get better. AA would probably help.

iv gone too far goodbye

[dedalustephen]

back for a bit.

i was reading through my diary entries from before and my shit adhd working memory really... makes me forget that i dont actually live as good and privileged a life as i think (or my parents allege) i do

the amount of /trauma/ you can see younger me was put through as a result of my parents' breaking and broken relationship was... slightly insane? i dont think me now would be able to handle that

like my parents really... straight up never gave a fuck about my mental health? it doesnt really clock as Really Bad but threatening to throw the dog out bc ur kid is crying in the toilet and refusing to leave maybe isnt a good thing to do?

and that also neglects the fact ive had to function at "gets into oxf*rd as an intl student" level with undiagnosed adhd that is the root of many, many, many emotional issues (which again of course my parents were not kind to)

and /then/ when i stopped being judgy of everyone and started to appreciate the world around me, 2019 hit and my entire life was thrown into political crisis after crisis, the notes i had in late 2019... i was absolutely terrified then??? like im paraoid now but it was even worse then for me, mentally. and then there was corona, i lost everything i looked forward to, there was never a proper full stop to my secondary school life, and then i was launched into covid era uni life, and then when i got home i hated every moment of it bc my dad was moving out and my mom was dating someone else and i was basically living with reminders that the life i was starting to know how to appreciate was already gone forever.

and then i was stranded in the uk for a year, and still am, put into more and more stressful situations having to deal with an adult adhd diagnosis having to try out meds living alone etc. etc. etc. all while my parents continue to not really give a fuck about my mental health, etc.

and all this isnt counting the stress of studying a dse curriculum and studying at oxf.

not to give myself too many pats on the back but ive really been through quite a lot lol and im quite glad for my adhd impacting my working memory bc i dont actually rmb all this happening, im just dealing with the consequences lol

the whole i want to go home to feel safe and secure thing has probably been a running theme thing, i only really was able to identify and verbalize it as that now bc im physically away from what i call home :( when thing is i never really felt safe and secure at home for a majority of my childhood anyways...

so like 1) ive always been this emotionally unstable, its not some im only like this in uni thing, and 2) ive been forced into dealing with most if not all of the issues thatve been piled up /all in one go/ bc if not i literally cannot be a functional adult that gets thru uni,,,,it is not a wonder that im constantly stressed and breaking down rn lmaooo

oh and i forgot i was gay and trans in hk???? at a very homophobic christian girls school??????? and my crush was deeply suic*dal and i had to talk her out of suic*de like once every two days?????????

what the FUCK was going on

processing all of this in hindsight when im away from my parents, politics, my past etc. is... quite insane i just took all of this in stride. im literally going thru less insane stuff than i did as a child which is why i acc have the headspace to deal with all of this and the emotional stability to process this like this without resorting to vague convoluted poems... also meds help lol

anyways im going to go easy on myself with collections this week and a lot of stuff in the future, of course my standards wont drop but i'll be kinder if that makes sense? like i wont beat myself up over crying rn and if i procrastinate too much i'll know whats up (though procrastinstion is so, so, so stressful) and im still going thru a lot of stress and anxiety,,and while i think im not enough like jesus christ ive been thru some shit people dont usually go thru

it's like wait lemme count

oh god theres also the people pleaser religious guilt and also chinese continue bloodline etc. guilt wtf

like that's 8-9ish things i had to deal with that, with any single one, could very likely break a person completely on the mental side of things lmao

ngl im quite strong :')

anyways now that ive processed that or well, at least started to process it, it's time to move on grow up 現實令你快要快要變做大丈夫 etc except like very much on the emotional strength and not 現實應對能力 lmaooooooooooooooo not j*rs voice being a main motivater again what if i see him and im like omg thank u for singing so many songs!! u helped me process my trauma <333 like akdksjjfsjjfjs lmaooo

[pilotheather]

EDIT: MY READMORE DIDTN WORK

- NO NOW HANG ON HANG ON.... OPENING THUS FAR IM ACTUALLY LOVING IT. I KNOW ITS TOO SOON BUT IM FEELING SOME PERSONALITY FROM THEM FOR ONCE AND I LOVE THE CHEESINESS THAT ISNT TOO... BECH AS IT WAS

- and the evil yorkshire guy

- AGAIN THIS IS ONE I-

- OH THATS ONE FUCKED UP LOOKING FELLA I -

- Hiiiyaa whos these cuties

- anyways my point: theres just sth off sometimes with the way chibs writes dialogue. like the doctor just asking things loudly whilst ic it just feels so fucking weird sometimes .

- also i did sneak a look into twitter livetweets. someone literally saI-

- OH MY GOD THIS BITCH SPIKE OH WAIT THAT KINDA LOOKED SICK FINE

- BITCH LOOKING LIKE A RIGHT CREATURE

- ANYWAYS people on twitter: "why is it so cheesy" girl you are watching doctor who?

- again witht he dialogue: you see that. theres something out there. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS SOUND SO STILTED SOMEHOW? IS IT LIETERALLY JUST ME?

- anyways also that "trick or treat" thing ok thats a bit too cheesy that one i'll concede bless but THATS IT

- dan he is literally holding eggs

- also regarding some dwcourse: people are whining about d

- I'M THROWONG UP DAN ..... KN-

- IKARAVNISTA

- HIIIII KARVANISTA HAIIIII HI HI HIHIHIHIH HI HELLO KARVANISTA HIIII HIIII HI I LOVE YOU KARVANISTA I LOVEEE UOI HIIII HI HI KISS KISS SHII AWWW WHOS A GOOD LITTLE PUPPY WHOS A GOOD LITTLE BOY GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO LITTLE PUPPY WAWWW DO YOU WANT A TREA-

- dan im insane

- YOU PUT HIM IN A CUBE?

- YOU YA MAM'D THE DOG, DAN?

- ANYWAY regarding the dwcourse about bishop: ive said my shit about me not wanting a new guy, even if i do LIKE dan thus far, BUT. i will say ppl are so silly for complaining about when they hire celeb actors and say the shows gone to shit. girl..... billie piper the popstar? catherine tate the comedian? even kylie minogue was like. such a good one off casting .

- GIRL HIS HOUSE?

- now why cant i smash some shit up with a hammer, say something kinda foreboding, whilst wearing a funky sweate

- a dog shot me how can a dog shoot me

- dan really is having an unlucky fucking day isnt he.

- karvanista my good little boy n'aww wwhos a good little pup dont be mean to dan

- karvanista: im going to kill you im g dan: bet

- "oh my god! doctor!" "who tf." OKAY COOL. HIII CLAIREEEEEE

- more women wacking things with hammer. thats exactly what doctor who needed in my opinion.

- GIRLIGHT GASLIGHT GIRLBOSS

- like are yaz and doc good though for real girlies cant we all just kiss about it hm

- oh so theres just an angel here now. hi . also unhappy about the decision to put you here but nonetheless- oh christ is she about t BYE CLAIRE.

- outpost rose?

- VINDER VINDER VINDDER HIII HIIIII HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIHHI (TWIRLS HAIR) I JUST THINK HES CUTE.... TEE . HEE.

- OH NOW THERES NO FELLA I LOVE MORE THAN A KING STUCK OUT ON SOME OUTPOST, WITH A LOG, REPORTING PRETTY MUCH NOTHING FOR DAYS AND DAYS IN ISOLATION

- "whats wrong with sheffield"

- "lifes a gamble" i do like her now

- NOW THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT BTW: YAZ HAS HAD MORE CHEMISTRY WITH DAN IN THAT 2 MINUTES THAN SHE EVER GOT WITH GRAHAM OR RYAN. because YOU ACTUALLY LET THEM TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!

- i knew karvanista wasnt a bad guy. hes just a little grumpy puppy. n'aww.... sniff sniff. hes just trying to help u guys. why dont u want a little trip with the grumpy little puppy.

- is the tardis literally good

- IM THROWING UP WHY IS HIM SAYING "i cant live in that :/" WHEN BEING HANDED HIS TINY STUPID HOUSE OK... ITS FUNNY FINE ITS TICKLING ME FINE

- why- OHUGHGHGHGH LUMPS MY LUMPY LITTLEB MEN

- OHHHFHFHH

- YOU LOOK LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT "you look disgusting"

- the sontarans actually being used properly we do hope i would like to see it :3

-again christ why do they have to do the doctor is in the centre of all of this like why cant there just be a problem and she drops in and helps for goodness shakes

- FOR GOODNESS SHAKES I DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THAT BU-

- W.... WAS THAT A PLANET IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

- YOU LITERALLY stood up

- girl what is happening

- GIRRLLL WGAT

[madewitharkit]

ARKit Inter-dimensional Portal by @nedd. Music by The SAME.

Literally chills down my spine. The future is going to be nuts 🥜 https://t.co/hZcXee18rH

— Aaron Watson ☄️ (@AaronWatson59) June 30, 2017

This is absolutely incredible. https://t.co/CxpTGotNvi

— Paul Maclennan (@PaulMaclennan)

June 30, 2017

Ive been sitting here for 10 mins trying to figure out how theyre doing this....

— Fabian Buentello (@initFabian)

June 30, 2017

This may be cooler than VR. https://t.co/vnOm39ClHF

— Alex Delia (@alexdelia)

July 7, 2017

Incredible.

— Jeff Benjamin (@JeffBenjam)

June 30, 2017

This is epic next level #AR. https://t.co/W3rfcsOp3Z

— Blair Hughes (@MrBlairHughes)

July 11, 2017

We need AR Apple Glasses!!! 🙌🏻

— Benjamin Geskin (@VenyaGeskin1)

June 30, 2017

The game has changed.

— Asim Aslam (@chuhnk)

June 30, 2017

I've done this hundreds of times across multiple video games, but I honestly was surprised when you were able to step into the door.

— iandanforth (@iandanforth)

June 30, 2017

Someone call @StephenKing stat

— Mitchel Broussard (@mbrsrd)

June 30, 2017

AMAZING AND WOW WOW WOW !:)

— azamsharp (@azamsharp)

June 30, 2017

Wow, this is amazingly cool

— Sulka Haro (@sulka)

July 6, 2017

That's just way too cool. The imagination unleashed.

— 🐲Radjin🐲 (@_Radjin)

July 2, 2017

jesus christ ARkit is going to be insane

— juan (@juanbuis)

June 30, 2017

Absolutely stunning

—  ZABIR (@ZPCigaars)

June 30, 2017

This stuff is getting mind-blowingly good SO quickly. https://t.co/XhYY5FHHEt

— Dennis Doughty (@DennisDoughty)

July 23, 2017

Madness

— Abdus Fauzi (@abdusfauzi)

July 3, 2017

Unreal.

— Martin Legowiecki (@IAmMlego)

July 1, 2017

This is incredibly cool. I'm beyond impressed.

— Youssef Sarhan (@YS)

July 1, 2017

No words possible for the awesomeness of this. When will we hook ourselves up to the Matrix? https://t.co/DEMzhg9j6Z

— Michiel Sikkes (@michiels) June 30, 2017

it's like a magic ✨✨✨

— Lisa Dziuba (@LisaDziuba)

June 30, 2017

How????

— Gustavo Saez (@gustavosaez)

June 30, 2017

With an ARglasses, an iPhone and ARKit there is going to be a revolution. Awesome demo!!!

— Choche (@Fremen1430)

June 30, 2017

This is absolutely bonkers. I stopped working and watched it about ten times in a row. https://t.co/ehoVsqIJ52

— Chad Marriotti (@cmarriotti) June 30, 2017

Once again, the reason I think Augmented Reality is going to be bigger than Virtual Reality :)

— Will Burns (@darianknight)

July 5, 2017

@mattmchale That is INSANE!!!!!

— Casey Ferrier (@caseyferrier)

July 1, 2017

@bst3r @erfon @lkahney this just blew my mind 😳

— MrShep23 (@mrshep23)

July 1, 2017

Wow wow WOOOOWWW

— Arturo Elissonde (@AElissonde)

June 30, 2017

mind = blown

— Marcos Griselli (@marcosgriselli)

June 30, 2017

Looking so good looks like I’m gonna have to get a new iPhone after all

— chrrissss (@chrrissss)

July 1, 2017

I've seen a lot of cool AR but this might be the coolest https://t.co/YchD8N63jX

— david gabeau (@dgabeau)

July 15, 2017

THIS IS SO COOL. https://t.co/pZS7whKLKc

— James Nichols (@Jamesnicholsfry)

July 15, 2017

this is the one that blows me away the most https://t.co/QX9KIFV4IE

— kiggle (@kiggle)

July 12, 2017

Ok, my doubts about AR are gone with this. https://t.co/d6Q6ccqi75

— Franz Unterkoffer (@peterapmcfly)

July 23, 2017

What the...?! https://t.co/xuIuCSKrMx

— James Marsden (@Jimbomarsden)

July 11, 2017

This is awesome! Alot happening in AR these days https://t.co/P73QgpG6QV

— Bjarke Aagaard (@bjarque)

July 7, 2017

This is blowing my mind https://t.co/Mo6clRVNqO

— Andrew Minchew (@andrewminchew)

July 11, 2017

Lots of potential applications for AR games with this sort of tech! Exciting times! https://t.co/qFD7QZs82h

— Tim Browne (@N1tch)

July 11, 2017

HOW DID THIS ONLY GET LIKE 4 MINUTES AND A COFFEE CUP IN THE KEYNOTE https://t.co/nqjRP2145y

— Ed Cormany (@ecormany) June 30, 2017

Wow! Just wow! This is going to be amazing! https://t.co/THqJ14mqpT

— Gerald (@jfversluis)

July 23, 2017

Absolutely crazy stuff! https://t.co/7373nro2N7

— Alex McPherson (@mymocouk)

July 7, 2017

Mixed reality... The next level. WOW! https://t.co/peEDZQ5bGP

— cedric chambaz (@CEDRICtus)

July 7, 2017

Mind. Blown. https://t.co/4Y8hKBZIHm

— Carlton Jefferis (@CarltonJefferis)

July 7, 2017

This is incredible. Wow. https://t.co/QnMrQd337e

— Jake Underwood (@jakeu) June 30, 2017

Okay this is pretty damn amazing. https://t.co/Sbh1wGF7Sb

— David ಠ_ಠ (@dacoursey)

July 6, 2017

Absolutely inspiring! Cannot wait to use this! @Matteo_Aliberti @kamenovk https://t.co/JjswEWNu0o

— ajwhelan (@ajwhelan)

July 6, 2017

VR and AR adds so many new variables to the game palette. Wow! https://t.co/rLXoV1oOfJ

— Brian Fargo (@BrianFargo)

July 6, 2017

We're gonna see some pretty awesome AR stuff hitting the mainstream this year https://t.co/Yz8aRUfisD

— Troy Hunt (@troyhunt)

July 6, 2017

#AR platform #ARkit from #Apple will open entirely new directions of storytelling as #OS11 launches. https://t.co/maD6Tktp5V

— Jared Hendler (@jaredhendler)

July 5, 2017

ARKit will be huge. 😱🚀 https://t.co/ctboPx9EO4

— Jakub Beneš (@jukben)

July 4, 2017

This is surreal https://t.co/kRziJm73Gq

— Krishna Sagar (@_KrishnaSagar_)

August 3, 2017

Lots of cool ARKit demo's to be found these days. Seems to be an AR Renaissance happening... https://t.co/qcoU9peRQs

— Brian Selzer (@BrianSe7en)

July 5, 2017

Definitely the coolest use of AR I've seen 😵 https://t.co/HNg2Cqmgeb

— Edie//Jo (@digitaldualist)

August 2, 2017

I want this so bad. https://t.co/m3MZ9nruD5

— Mike Dwyer (@Cruiter)

July 4, 2017

This but with historical scenes would be amazing!! https://t.co/L7sducd34s

— Tom Screen (@tomscreenx)

July 3, 2017

I want one https://t.co/LP1SD1i9Zs

— Maegan Collins (@maeganc16)

July 3, 2017

This has actually blown my mind https://t.co/8hnerIa2ig

— Adam Howe (@AdamHoweStop)

July 3, 2017

So super cool https://t.co/WMQw730Xrx

— Josh (@Jetstopia)

July 4, 2017

This is incredible. ARKit continues to astound. https://t.co/86XouGhhNU

— BJ Homer (@bjhomer) June 30, 2017

Every demo I see of things @madewithARKit convinces me that the world is about to drastically change. https://t.co/HNWqkKGb1i

— Scott McDaniel (@mcdev)

July 1, 2017

This is nuts. I’m constantly floored by what people are building with ARKit. https://t.co/BsH7Ie5NZr

— Grant Butler (@grantjbutler) June 30, 2017

Mark my words - the next appstore gold rush will be in augmented reality. #ARKit #appstore #iOS11 https://t.co/POKTgUSuvW

— Fran O'Reilly (@franoreilly)

July 1, 2017

This is just getting silly now https://t.co/ESUch0B1d5

— Tony Onodi (@TonyOnodi)

July 1, 2017

This is getting very crazy very quickly. Wow! 👏👏 https://t.co/xY609lHiuQ

— Sid (@sidoza) June 30, 2017

This is ridiculously impressive. Convinced that #AugmentedReality has some serious potential yet? #ARkit https://t.co/mVDrqijvQw

— Rob Lindley (@rlindley70)

July 3, 2017

Everything else was awesome but this is wild https://t.co/n24mtCkr2r

— BEE | Kraken 🇵🇷 (@allonsykraken) June 30, 2017

This is beyond next-level. https://t.co/CKj3hHxTPn

— Timothy Reavis (@TimothyReavis) June 30, 2017

This is awesome. And think what this would be like on a pair of Apple glasses #takemymoney https://t.co/uNSRrboENM

— ᴀʟᴇx ᴍᴏʏʟᴇʀ (@aeoye) June 30, 2017

This is cool and will be even cooler when you can step through the portal into the same streetscape as of 50-100 years ago. #VRTimeTravel https://t.co/xAynwPCTp9

— Vance A Lehmkuhl (@VanceTune) June 30, 2017

Whhhhhaaaaaatttttt...... 😳. These ARKit prototypes on iPhone are INSANE. My bet is Augmented Reality will be bigger than VR. No doubt. https://t.co/2wbogRmCOn

— Jason Jahnke (@JasonJahnke) June 30, 2017

For anyone doubting the dramatic potential of ARKit… https://t.co/csRn0pOrJ4

— Nick Pryor (@nickpryor) June 30, 2017

ARKit is smashing it, and the publicity and increased awareness for AR are going to accelerate https://t.co/ypnuxBBC4L

— Lee Walker (@leewalker10) June 30, 2017

This is pretty jaw-dropping, especially at the end when the camera turns around. https://t.co/zw40nVbysL

— Cult of Mac (@cultofmac) June 30, 2017

😲 ARKit is some straight-up sorcery. Can't wait to see more! https://t.co/qZnUSM1apU

— Realm (@realm) June 30, 2017

Like I said before, #ARKit is going to be huge. Hundreds of millions of eligible devices on day 1. Biggest thing Apple has done for years. https://t.co/3eBiJsNjjn

— Evan McCann (@MrEvanMcCann) June 30, 2017

Android friend still saying ARKit won’t be significant 🤷‍♂️ https://t.co/H6wLOm2zkY

— Saleem 🇨🇦 (@SaleemUsama) June 30, 2017

Historical tourism will be amazing with ARKit and iOS 11 - the past will come alive https://t.co/a8kW7vhjaG

— Daniel P Dykes (@DanielPDykes) June 30, 2017

Press: Apple not innovative as before Apple: ARKit https://t.co/s5oeXEENhJ

— Amro Guzlan (@3amrology) June 30, 2017

Devs are getting out of control. Wow. https://t.co/uWJp200i8A

— Tai (@bullseyetech) June 30, 2017

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