#also cant believe im drawing out like fucking illustrations and shit im losing it huh asdhdgh

[myownprivatcidaho]

HOWS THE CRUSH GOING GIRL IVE BEEN GONE FROM TUMBLR SO LONG I FEEL LIKE IM TOO BEHIND ON THIS

HIII EL OMG. so sorry it took me a minute and a half to answer this. ok SO. like im about as expressive as darcy pride & prejudice and emotionally available as bruce springsteens dad so its taken me a while to convey any type of interest. but i did it. it took WEEKS but basically heres what happened (and ik you know some of this stuff but yknow theres shit i gotta call back to for reference ashgsdg)

- realized he had a thing for me after he tried getting my number and so i sat next to him every week in ass flattering jeans thinking that was me making advances. this was done as i also never looked him in the eye never talked to him never looked at him when he talked and generally just didnt acknowledge his existence. (like reflexively ive just found it imperative to never ever let on that i like someone so i had to like. really really really jump that hurdle & overcome it)

- realized he was sort of backing away like he didnt think anything was gonna happen because. yknow i wasnt ACKNOWLEDGING him. meanwhile he was always being sweet and helpful and all that jazz. so i was starting i was STARTING to mope about how everyone leaves me because i can never show that i want them etc just total victim complex stuff before i Shut That Shit Down. i decided i was gonna get this guys number and on god i was gonna TALK to him and then he would see. then he would fucking see.

- finally was able to get his number but i made it as impersonal as possible just reflexively. this was right after getting another classmates number and then i approached him (by lowkey running after him) and said smth like "hey can i get your number. .. i need more people in this class's number" so. yeah so i got it and texted "hi! this is sia" so he had my number but this was 2 seconds after as i was walking away so.

- was totally distraught he never responded even though thats really not the type of thing you necessarily respond to. so i was so TORN UP like i was totally making advances by sitting next to him in ass flattering jeans i got his NUMBER so whats he waiting for im totally doing all the work here. and then it hit me .... this guy has absolutely no reason to believe that i like him. ive never ACKNOWLEDGED him i never looked at him i was twirling my hair over him on here but meanwhile in person i seemed like the most indifferent fucker on the planet. also that meant i wasnt showing interest by sitting next to him every week in Jeans but giving him just an extremely hard time instead. shit.

- so i talked to my sister about it. which i never do like she tells me everything i dont tell her everything but. like shes got a gf so she knows SOMETHING about emotional availability in intimacy so. i spilled my problem and basically she was like. flirt with him i was like NAUR. and she threw out other suggestions and i kept rejecting them and she was like jesus christ sia. she settled for saying "how about you start out with looking at him when he talks" and i was like "BUT PEOPLE WILL SEE" and she was like. "so?" i was like. hm. good point. so there was that and then she was like "check him out maybe too. and let him see it" and i was like OKAY. OKAY I CAN DO THIS. so i DID IT. and he SAW. i was on about it here for days like he saw i was acknowledging him and THEN he caught me looking at his hands. his nice ass hands. and SO he started flexing them more hes insane. hes insane. and THENNNNN he started doing fingering gestures hes bonkers hes batshit (i was straining my peripheral vision to watch so i couldnt tell if it was his index & middle finger or middle & ring. but either way. hes fucking crazy.)

- so i was like OKAY. im gonna wear my slutpants. and thats when i sent you the pics for an Opinion much appreciated bless you :')

- HE WASNT FUCKING THERE. so i was like OKAY. OKAY. fuck it im texting him and so i DID.

- turns out he is comically slow at responding. every fucking time id respond id get torn up over him taking fucking 5ever to respond. this was about the time The Anon came into my inbox and blessed me with encouragement that their now-boyfriend used to take SUPER slow to respond and they, also, would be crying pissing throwing up etc until hed respond again. so i was like OKAY I CAN DO THIS

- the next class after our slow ass conversation sorta ended after taking a literal week to exchange a net total of like 8 texts like. we sat next to each other again and we were able to just talk a little. he is SO easy to talk to and so friendly and so FUNNY its like. i like you so bad. and then i did my scene and basically i was crying on the floor and shit and like he was super helpful and encouraging as always and at one point he was like giving notes and he looked me in the eye and i looked HIM and the eye and it was so nice to have that. we werent iffy or nervous and he didnt seem worried about Saying The Wrong thing it was just. peaceful and still. yknow. ALSO his pupils were dilated as hell ive said it before ill say it again ppl with light eyes are SEETHROUGH. bless him

- SO i wore my slutpants AGAIN the next week. that day like i think we both got so iffy we barely talked. after some sorta musical chairs he ended up sitting in front of me AND I WAS WEARING NY SLUTPANTS. musty wail dot jpeg etc. we started that class like sorta talking and then i think we both got so iffy and nervous we barely talked and like. when id say something he Would Not turn around to look like even when everyone else did (pretty small class) like he was looking Dead Ahead like. girl. and then i was crying and throwing up again before realizing like. the times he DID look at me were. holy shit. like i mean he was just. 🧿👄🧿 like he looked So. idk i dont want to say head over heels cause that feels egotistical but. jesus its like. wow. keep looking at me like tgat please. not even a horny type of looking it just kinda. :'). like made my heart melt. still not over it. ALSO he like straight up smiled at me while i was talking. i think he really likes kids and especially now bc this was one of the few times he turned around to look at me and i was talking about one of my neices and he was just :') like straight up like grinning and has SUCH a beautiful smile. i used to think "your smile makes my day" was one of the cheesiest most obvious romantic compliments but. jesus christ man its TRUE.

- so after that i wore the slutpants One Last Time before it got too cold. this was a couple weeks ago before thanksgiving break which was this past week (so no class :/). BUT. so he was about to sit in front again and then Noticed my pants and then like. backtracked JUST in time. like he went to the front abd then was about to walk along the front row and was gonna sit right in front of me but THEN i heard him go "is this someones pencil?" and i looked up and he picked up a pencil lying right next to the chair next to me and then he SAT. DOWN. IN. THAT. CHAIR. it was a nice save. sorta clumsy and would be indiscreet if anyone knew we've been eyefucking for like 3 weeks now but fortunately thats not the case.

for reference:

- SO. that class went well. he didnt even try being discreet checking me out cause he KNOWS i was wearing them for him because its part of What We're Doing. like i wore the slutpants and he returned the favor by flexing his hands/did fingering gestures for me to look at cause he knows i like that. at this rate its like we've been playing a game where we do something the other likes to look at and then the other returns the favor by doing something they like. also we'll purposefully mirror each others body language a lot but ESPECIALLY before and/or after we're like. being Playful. its all flirting if youre insane enough.

so yeah thats all the recent shit and i have COME TO THE CONCLUSION. if nothing happens before the end of the semester then on the last day im GONNA ASK HIM OUT!!!!!!! stupid excited also he made some jokes im still laughing at a week later hes so funny also it turns out he was homeschooled which kinda follows i wondered once or twice but. idk how to explain it just sorta Makes Sense. like at least in texas leftist dudes are already usually pretty sweet but hes like. kinda Extra sweet like theres another component there. was kinda surprising cause otherwise he doesnt initially give off HomeSchooler Vibes cause hes just really laid back and also clearly fucks (and is a fast learner who returns favors and generally likes making people feel good and has nice hands that he knows how to use man this is gonna be GOOD). but yeah i can see the homeschooling influence. he seemed kinda surprised tgat i was homeschooled because i Do Not give off those vibes yknow i put in effort to purposefully seem more confident and assertive and sure of myself and experienced than i actually am. but just as well because tgat wall has Got to come down i feel like half of whats made this take so long is im way too guarded and quick to shut down my emotions or even just my own general authenticity so. YEAH thats been that HOW ARE YOU DOING?? id love to hear how lifes been for you :DDD