#But ultimately I think I’ll mostly have everything evened out come august (hopefully)

[absoloutenonsense]

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[palettepainter]

(IMPORTANT UPDATES) Look back at 2019

Big changes for 2020! Hey there everyone! 2019 has come and gone, another year passed and a new chance for me to try and improve myself when the new year starts! As far as I know me and my family don’t have plans to celebrate New Years other then of course spending time together, but I want to post this now just so that it’s out of the way it’s posted and I won’t have to worry about. If I can be honest, 2019 towards the last few months of the year has been a real punch in the face..multiple punches. I’ve broken off connections with people who treated me wrongly in the past, had random breakdowns at school (don’t worry they weren’t seriously bad), had trouble with siblings - it’s been overall, a very up and down year for me, but sadly towards the end and in the running up to Christmas, it was mostly down. But hey, 2020 means the start of a new year and a new chance to grow stronger as a person and an artist!..Seriously though 2020, please be kind to me- As you can probably from what’s in the title, there are going to be a few big changes to my characters and stories going into 2020. I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot ever since mid August, it’s been something I’ve mentioned to one or two people, but ultimately I had to make the choice. And now with 2019 gone and done and 2020 being the opportunity to start fresh, I think it’s a good time to make these announcements. I understand that this may upset a few of you and yes it is going to make things a bit confusing for my NGAU, but this is my choice and I’m confident that making this choice will lead to me being much more happier with what I make. 🔸I will not be continuing my Zoophobia: Next Generation book series To anyone new who doesn’t know what I mean, Zoophobia: Next Generation was a book series I started back in December 2018, which included my own NG’s and one or two OC’s from the fandoms Zoophobia and Hazbin Hotel. Since the first book the series has since gained a lot of attention on Wattpad, and believe me when I say that I am truly grateful for how much positive attention the series got! It was my first time ever writing something on my own and it felt really special to know so many of you liked what I was doing! But as the series went on, I slowly began to loose my drive to continue writing. This is something I’ve admitted to close friends, but now that I’m older and I’m more aware of errors in writing and certain ways in which writing can be written to be better, I realise that the series isn’t up to my current standards. The story itself isn’t one that I’m proud of, and as my first book series, I feel like I was biting off more then I could chew when I first started writing this series. Ive realised that the story line I had in mind would be too hard to work into both Zoophobia and Hazbin Hotel without me having to make very big changes to either of those fandoms current stories and/or certain characters personalities, and though yes it is my own AU so if I wanted I could change the characters to fit better with my story, but honestly, I don’t want to change the characters. The characters from Zoophobia and HH I absolutely adore and there isn’t much I want changed about them, so I don’t want to alter the characters drastically to the point where they become an entirely different character. The main drive of the story with the main characters didn’t pick up till around the second book, and when I first started writing, the story line wasn’t even finished, I was just going with the flow and linking one thing to the other, hoping people would like it just as much as I did at the time. And lastly, this is probably the biggest reason why I’m no longer going to be continuing the series, but the first couple of chapters of the first book where too heavily inspired by another book series: I don’t want to continue to create something, when I feel as if it’s been too heavily based around someone else’s work. I want to create my own stuff and I feel as though the first book just isn’t that, it’s not my own work, and that’s leaded to me viewing the first book as my least favourite. This means that from now going forward, any events that took place in the book series is now no longer cannon. Some headcannons will be changed and altered due to this, for one Eve’s Headcannon will be changing as she will now most likely be alive in my NGAU now, so the stories I had planned for her such and the stories I already posted are no longer cannon either: I will say also that this also counts for my Eve X Hatchet NG Diego, he will remain cannon and will most likely be alive also. As for the characters that where involved in the books such as Lucy, Maggot and Bumbuss, I’ll figure out what to do with them. I defiantly want to keep Lucy as she was the very first OC I ever made for the Zoophobia fandom that wasn’t a NG, but I’m unsure on what to do with Maggot and Bumbuss. As much as I now don’t enjoy the series, it was fun to write while it lasted, and I cannot stress enough how grateful I am too everyone who ever read, liked, or commented on the series! But from now on, I won’t be returning to the series. I held off on announcing this and the reason it took me so long to decide this was because I didn’t want to leave you guys without a conclusion to the story, the series was only one book away from completion and I didn’t want to cut off the series so close to it being finished. But again, the book series isn’t something I enjoy anymore, so I hope all of you can understand and will hopefully look forward to the further projects I have planned 🔸New books to come Though my main book series will now be ending, I have a lot of ideas for new book series. Since the second and third book I had been having ideas for stories that could take place after the series, and the reason I kept doing the series for as long as I did was because I really wanted to start work on the stories that would take place after the series was finished. One of my goals for the new year is to try and push out more stories and book series for you guys, I feel like I’ve defiantly been lacking in the story department, mostly because I couldn’t find any ideas for illustrations to go with the story, and because I always felt too tired to ever finish any stories or illustrations. None of these story ideas yet have fully scripted out story lines, so far they’re just ideas and until I can get a script done for them, I won’t be starting work on them. I want these books to be as great and they can be, and not only do I want to make something that I can be proud of, but something that you guys will enjoy as much as I do. These ideas are in no particular order, and I haven’t decided if I’ll defiantly be doing all of these just yet, but here are some ideas I’ve had for books/book series for the future: -A book with my NG Box explaining her past before she came to live with Ribbon -A book with my OC Willem and how he discovers another hybrid like himself -Nidra’s story as she grows up to accept a new family, while letting a beloved friend go to persue their own life -Junior reapers: a story/series of stories involving Lotus, Charcoal, Parfait and Rae as they go on a quest to become junior reapers Maybe a MHA + Dragonous story *Dragonous is a Villainous dragon AU created by shabiest (Instagram), I will need to get permission from them if I want to write a book with this AU* Recently I got into My Hero Academia, and you can all blame that on my cousin When I first saw the series I kinda rolled my eyes at it, I’ve never really been a big anime fan the style never grabbed me when I was younger: and all I can say is that I should defiantly have given the series a try sooner MHA is a series I’ve come too really enjoy and love, I love the characters the story the dialogue, everything about this show! I’ve said this before but what I love about the show is how it’s great at showing us a large range of characters without straying too far from the main plot, and how this show makes me feel: there have been times where this show has had me emotionally frustrated, sad and happy, and if a show or a movie can make me feel a powerful emotion (angry sad or other), then I’m down for it. I’ve since made a few OC’s for the fandom, and I’ve been thinking about making a book about it. It’s not scripted out yet, and some of my ideas play into some events in season 4 - but if you guys enjoy MHA and you enjoy my OC’s, please let me know your thoughts! And Dragonous, a Villanious AU I’ve come to adore! I’ve always been a big fan of dragons, they where my favourite mythical creature growing up! (And still are to this day), with the creators permission I’d like to create a book with the few OC’s I’ve made, this one may not happen because again I need permission, but tell me your thoughts! Merch Again, something I’ve mentioned before, and something I’ve been really wanting to do! Me and my dad have made a shirt design with one of my OC’s, so far it’s only black and white (we’ve decided to go simple black and white since it’s my first time making merch), and hopefully if all goes well we can start to make more colourful merch However this all depends on you guys: I may be opening up commissions in the future, though I can’t say when, but this will depend on you: I have a PayPal and a KoFi if you guys wish to support me and my work (no pressure though!), every little bit counts and it would mean so much to me if you guys would consider supporting me and my work, even if it’s something as small as a pound! 🔸Collabs/art trades/design trades/RP’s There’s nothing really big to say about these things, but I have decided that from now on that I will only do these kinds of things with close friends.

Finally, I want to say a big BIG thank you to everyone who has stuck around on this crazy train ride to support me. This year as I said at the beginning, has not been the best for me towards the end, and I am so grateful to all the support you guys gave me. I know that I'm not very good with replying to comments/messages, and I'm so sorry if I never got round to replying to your message or comment, but I do read the comments, I do see the wonderful things you guys say, and it's absolutely delightful to see the nice things you guys say!  I want to give a big big BIG thank you to these wonderful people who have been there for me, whether it was to geek out over a show to if they where there for me when I needed support: @hazbinextgeneration​   - You've been an amazing pal right from the beginning, you where one of the very first people I met when I first got into the Zoophobia and HH fandom and you've been an absolute gem! You've been there for me when I was down and you've listened through out all of my nerd outs about characters and shows, and to have someone listen to me meant so much! You comment on nearly every piece of my work and you're always so kind and giving! Not only to me but to so many others! You've made me a lot and fanart and I'm sorry I don't nearly do enough for you in return, going into 2020, I want to change that!  @cosmic-artzz​   - If you hadn't been there to listen to me and help me out, I honestly don't know what kind of situation I would be in now. You helped me cut off ties with people I honestly wasn't happy talking with, and despite being dragged into my drama over and over again, you where still there to listen to both sides of the argument and give advice on how I could make things better. You've always been a delight to talk to and I'm so happy we had the chance to become friends! I'm so sorry you get dragged into my troubles as much as you did dude! Going into 2020, I promise you I'll be more confident in putting my foot down when I feel as though I'm not being treated fairly! And lastly, I want to thank all of you! For sticking with me on this crazy journey! Here's to 2020 and hoping its a wonderful year!!

[omgjasminesimone]

Spousal Privilege

Colt x MC

Word Count: 1944

Author’s Note: Set a couple of months in the future from the book. With Colt in jail facing charges for the deaths of the Brotherhood, has Ellie found a way to get him out?

Now with Follow up!: Epilogue

Taglist: @lovehugsandcandy @choicesarehard

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“Kaneko, you’ve got a visitor.”

Colt swings his legs off his hard steel bunk, the thin mattress doing very little to make it comfortable. He stands, and the jail guard puts shackles on his feet before shoving him roughly into the hallway. The two walk in silence toward the visiting room. Colt tunes out the clanking bars, the loud jail house sounds, and the jeers from the older, more hardened inmates. He winces at a particularly loud wolf whistle. He really needs to get out of here before he ends up becoming someone’s prison wife.

Colt stops at the entrance to the group visiting room, full of inmates sitting at different tables talking to family members. He’s surprised when the guard shoves him past the door, toward a part of the jail he’s never been to. As they walk by a closed in private room, Colt looks into the large window and sees Ellie sitting inside, drumming her nails on the table nervously. A smile comes to his face at the sight of her. Even though he’s only been locked up for a week, he’s missed her a lot.

The guard opens the door and restrains himself from pushing Colt inside since the girl is there to witness his rough treatment. “No touching.” He barks roughly at Colt as he walks past the guard and into the room.

Colt gives the guard a mocking salute. “Whatever you say Sanchez.”

The guard scowls at Colt before removing the shackles on his legs, closing the door behind him. He appears a moment later at the window, watching them menacingly with his arms crossed.

Colt resists his impulse to pull Ellie into his arms, clenching his fists to keep his hands to himself. She’s wearing the same pretty blue dress she wore to his hearing this morning. He had to change from his court suit back into the orange jailhouse uniform when he was transported back to the jail.

He smiles at her as he takes the seat across from her, starting to reach out for her hand before remembering himself and lowering his hand back to his leg. “Hey baby.”

She returns his smile. “Hey.” She looks him over. “Orange is really not your color.” She remarks, trying to lighten the mood.

He glances down at himself. “Really? I thought I was pulling this off.” He replies.

“Well, hopefully you won’t have to wear the orange jumpsuit for long. Your mom and I are trying to get your bail together.”

“What did my mom say to you? When they were leading me out of the court room after the hearing?” It’s been bothering him all day. He knows it can’t have been anything good.

“She said I could do better.” Ellie admits.

Colt scoffs. “Well, she’s not wrong.”

“It was nice to meet her. I wish it could have been under different circumstances though. She took me out for lunch afterwards, she’s so interesting. And beautiful!” Ellie says.

Colt smiles. “Where did you think my good looks came from?” He asks arrogantly.

She rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling fondly. “Well, with those good looks we really better get you out of here before you become someone’s girlfriend.” She jokes.

“You joke, but that’s a serious concern. What’s going on with my Dad’s life insurance policy? What about his fire insurance?” Colt asks.

“The life insurance won’t pay out. They’re calling your Dad’s death a suicide.”

Colt slams his fist on the table angrily, and Sanchez loudly bangs on the glass outside to warn him to cut it out. Colt clenches his fist and returns it to his lap. “It wasn’t a suicide. It was murder by the corrupt LAPD.”

“Colt, I know. But ultimately he did sacrifice himself, regardless of how voluntary his choice was. But the fire policy should pay out. The bad news is that they have to investigate first to make sure it isn’t fraud, that you didn’t set the fire.”

“How long is that supposed to take?” Colt questions.

“A couple of months.” Ellie answers.

“Fuck. So how am I supposed to come up with $50,000 for bail?” Colt asks.

“Your mom is trying to get a loan. She’s having some trouble though, her credit isn’t great. I asked my Dad if he would cosign a loan for me, but he said no.”

“I can’t believe this.” Colt mutters, irritably running his hands through his dark un-gelled hair.

“Is this a bad time to say I told you so?” Ellie probes.

Colt glares. “Yes.” He answers.

“But I did tell you not to do this. That this isn’t what your Dad would have wanted. Taking out the Brotherhood, besides Jason, didn’t bring your father back. And now look where you are.”

Colt looks at the guard worriedly, and then the camera in the corner, not wanting to say anything to incriminate himself in the deaths of the Brotherhood.

Ellie notices his apprehension to talk. “The room is soundproof. And they’re not recording. None of this is admissible in court.”

Colt scoffs. “Yeah right. I’ve watched enough crime TV to know they use phone calls from prison and confessions said out loud to an empty room all the time.”

“Except that you’re entitled to discuss your case with your legal team without being recorded if they put in a request with the jail beforehand.” Ellie says smugly, leaning back in her seat and looking pleased with herself.

Colt grins at her, “And since when have you been on my legal team?”

“Since I convinced your lawyer to take me on as an intern.”

Colt leans back, shaking his head in disbelief. “I really don’t deserve you.”

“I love you Colt, even if you don’t always deserve it. Like when you completely ignore what I say and do something like this.”

“I didn’t actually kill anyone. I just manipulated a situation that resulted in the Brotherhood all dying.” Colt responds.

“Besides Jason.” Ellie adds.

Colt grimaces. “I wish I could have taken that bastard out too. But I needed him to make the plan work.”

Ellie sighs. “Did your plan include him trying to cut a plea deal by implicating you?”

“They have no evidence. It’s just his word and he’s a corrupt cop who has actually murdered people.”

“Except it might not be just his word. Colt, I have bad news.” Ellie says.

“What?” Colt asks with dread.

“Jason told the prosecutors about me. I got a subpoena in the mail yesterday. They want me to testify against you.” Ellie confesses.

“Shit.” Colt mutters. He should have accounted for this. The rest of the crew couldn’t be tracked, no last names, aliases, scattered to the wind. He didn’t have to worry about any of them testifying. But Jason knew all about Ellie Wheeler.

“I won’t tell them anything.” Ellie assures.

“No Ellie. You can’t lie under oath for me. If you do, you could go to jail. Just testify. Maybe the jury will be sympathetic. This is my first offense. I was avenging my father.” Colt reasons.

“Colt, we can’t take that chance. You’re looking at up to twenty years!”

Colt winces as he’s reminded of the severity of his possible sentence. “So I’d be out by the time I’m 40. That’s not the end of the world.”

“Colt, there’s another way.” Ellie confesses. She’s blushing for some reason.

“What?” Colt presses.

Ellie has trouble meeting his intense gaze across the table. “If we got married, I wouldn’t have to testify against you. It’s called spousal privilege.”

Colt blinks in disbelief and the couple sits in an awkward silence.

“You want to marry me.” Colt mumbles in disbelief.

“Obviously, these aren’t ideal circumstances. Hell, this is never how I pictured getting married, but I think it’s the best way to get you out of this.” Ellie responds.

“You should leave me Ellie. Not marry me.” Colt says, but the loving way he’s looking at her contradicts his words.

“I’m not going anywhere Colt. I love you.” Ellie says reverently.

“I love you too, Ellie, but this is insane. We’re way too young.”

“Not legally. I’m 18. My Dad is going to hate this, but he can’t stop us. Honestly Colt, why not? We love each other, we practically live together now anyway, I’m always at your place. We definitely fight like an old married couple. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just a piece of paper.”

“You know it’s more than a piece of paper. Are you sure you don’t want to find someone better? You’re going to college next month, what if you meet someone who’s not facing 20 years in prison? Who treats you right and has a bright future?”

“Colt, I deferred. I’m not going in August” Ellie admits.

“Why Ellie? Langston College has been what you’ve wanted forever.”

“What I want is you. I’m not going anywhere until all of this is worked out. College will be there next year.”

“You’re being stupid.” Colt says harshly.

Ellie’s eyes narrow. “And when are you going back to college?”

Colt rolls his eyes. “That’s different. I wasn’t valedictorian. I didn’t have a full scholarship. You’re giving up everything. You’re going to regret it and resent me one day.”

Ellie’s eyes soften as he reveals his insecurity about holding her back. “Colt, I’m not giving up anything. I’ll go next year. And you’ll be cleared. We could move to Boston together. That’s what I want.”

“What you want is a jailhouse wedding? That’s what you dreamed of as a little girl?” Colt questions sarcastically.

“I’m not having a jailhouse wedding. I’m not marrying you until you’re out on bail.” Ellie responds, showing she’s put a lot of thought into this.

“You really want to do this?” Colt asks, giving her another chance to come to her senses and change her mind.

“Yes. I want to be Mrs. Colt Kaneko.” Ellie says with a smile.

Colt smiles back. “We could elope in Vegas. Be married by an Elvis impersonator.” Colt suggests.

“You can’t leave the state as a condition of your bail. But we can get married in a Los Angeles courtroom.” Ellie corrects.

“So no honeymoon in Cancun then.” Colt adds.

“Not right now, but once you’re cleared we can go on a late honeymoon. Besides, on a honeymoon I think you mostly just stay in the bedroom. We can do that right here.” Ellie says, shooting him a seductive look.

“I really want to kiss you right now.” Colt admits.

Ellie looks out to the window, where Sanchez is still standing but he’s playing a game on his phone and not paying attention. “Make it quick.” Ellie warns.

Colt smirks and leans across the table, burying one hand in her hair as he kisses her hungrily. He doesn’t make it quick, instead deepening the kiss and resting his other hand on her neck.

The door slams open as Sanchez storms in. “Break it up you two!”

They reluctantly pull apart. Sanchez pulls Colt roughly to his feet. “Open you mouth.” Sanchez demands.

“Aaahhh.” Colt mocks as he opens his mouth wide.

Sanchez glares, gripping Colt’s chin and looking into his mouth.

“You didn’t slip any drugs in there, did you?” Sanchez directs at Ellie.

“Nope, just my tongue.” She responds cheekily.

Colt chuckles and Sanchez glares at Ellie this time. “Visit time is over.”  He mutters, putting the shackles back on Colt.  

“I love you.” Colt tosses over his shoulder to Ellie as he’s jostled out of the room.

“Love you too. See you next week!” Ellie returns.  

…

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[dimples-of-discontent]

Hello, it is I, a 34 year-old woman who has come here to talk about someone I know who may or may not have a crush on me but it’s irrelevant because 1) he’s not single and 2) I have cancer so I’m not going to date anyone anyway. But guess what? I don’t care!! Some things just never change and the kind of “am I reading this right??” insecurity that you have when you’re a teenager just never goes away.

So, hey, if you’ve missed me I’m here to deliver all kinds of silliness tonight! I’ve been away lately because, during the week, I went to an appointment in Boston with a doctor from Harvard who specializes in the kind of breast cancer I have and (hurray!) think it really paid off and I think I’ll be treated there. Then, for the weekend, my NY-area friends and I went away to a cabin in the woods for pre-chemo celebration/togetherness. (Don’t worry; it wasn’t like a horror movie.) It was totally wonderful. I drove to and from the cabin with the dude in question. My adolescent ramblings below.

So, back in August I wrote this silly post about whether I was over- or misinterpreting my friend’s behavior. At the time, we’d been friends for about 3 months and he and his GF were long-distance. Now, we’ve been friends for an additional 7 months and she’s lived with him for 6 of those. They are now both actually my closest friends in town and really high on the list overall too. I like hanging out with them together and separately. We’ve got a neat nexus of overlapping interests so that any combination of the 3 of us has lots to talk about and a lot of fun. I’m somewhat closer to him, because we see each other SO often and because we often confide things in each other. I’m close to her too, though. It’s rare to find such good friends and, honestly, that’s the only really important thing. I have no interest in losing that.

Anyway, my read on the situation back when I posted in August is now pretty much that he was stressing out about the imminent arrival of the GF because they hadn’t been living together and she was moving there without a job just to be with him and that’s kind of a lot. I have no idea if it had anything to do with me. I think it may have, just in the sense of an additional thing. I think it’s likely that he had some level of crush on me--although even if not we were definitely good friends--and was worried about how that would change with the addition of a partner would change either dynamic. 

It all worked out because the minute the three of us met as a group we clicked instantly. We spent the summer and fall going hiking together and all having long conversations in the car and on the trail. We watched movies together and threw a Halloween party. He and I see each other 5-7 days a week (since we work together) and have a constantly active text conversations (the 3 of us have a GC too). I worried about intruding, but both of them invited me to stuff and were happy to be invited. (I did find it hard/annoying to try to see either one of them socially without the other...they do the couple thing of coming along as a unit but, ultimately, I didn’t make a thing out of it b/c they are great.) I could see how much he relaxed, literally the first few hours we all met up together as it was apparent how well we all got along. So, maybe he was worried about what I was going to do myself as well as his feelings? Who knows.

So I was pretty much on the side of “this was a temporary crush that abated once GF moved in and he remembered why they were together and it was clear that that wasn’t changing just b/c I was around.” That’s true, I think. But...ok. So, I’m very much one for crushing on, hooking up with, and getting into relationships with friends. I find it hard to know any other way. This means that I’m constantly keeping a lid on low-to-high level crushes for unavailable folks. (I think my brain is just wired for romantic/physical attraction to align with emotional closeness...too bad I’m only romantically and physically attracted to men though.) So of course--of COURSE--there is a part of me that wants us to be dating. Inevitably. It’s not helped by the fact that he reminds me so strongly of my first serious boyfriend, a wonderful guy I was with for 3.5 years. And, generally, I blame myself and this fact for any over-reading of things. But then I wonder if I’m not just gaslighting myself (an expert move) b/c I am so worried about coming off as arrogant by thinking he does have romantic feelings.

There are plenty of small things aside from just the constant contact. For one, he was deeply upset by my cancer diagnosis and is taking it all (including my feelings about it) very seriously. And, yeah, that is a very valid reaction, but we haven’t known one another that long...even my exes and friends from 10+ years ago haven’t been as affected, and the people who are have have been in my life for absolute ever. I’m shocked that he and the GF are willing to go through this with me since I feel like I haven’t given them much as friends so far, but they absolutely are so clearly they are just great people.

More frivolously, when one or both of us is intoxicated or otherwise in an altered state he’ll let himself be a lot physically closer to me than usual. Like, it’s actually notable that usually he tries hard not to be touching me, in a way that just has to be deliberate. Friends sit together and knock their shoulders or elbow each other or will pat backs, ruffle hair, share blankets, lean into each other...all the kinds of touching that communicate intimacy without it being sexually charged. If we do that by accident, he’ll move away fast. Except if he’s drunk. And even then it’s absolutely nothing untoward, just drifting into my space, resting knees together. One time we were standing in line for fried food after a bar night, with the GF, all happily drunk, and I leaned into him so our shoulders and arms were pressed together as I read the menu. He moved away so that we weren’t touching. Then, a fraction of a second later, he moved back so that we were pressed together again, like he’d made some kind of decision to do it. He also *never* says anything about my appearance. Like, not even “you look nice” when I’m dressed for an event or “I like your haircut.” Maybe he just doesn’t want to be brought in to validate me or something, but again it feels like it goes against the social norms for friends but makes sense if he’s trying to conceal non-platonic feelings.

We behave enough like a couple that people who encounter us, even at work, often believe we’re together. We share food and drinks (from the same plates or cups) and often bring things that the other has left behind at our places. We have to try not to get the giggles at meetings when inside jokes come up. We tease each other with stories only 2-3 of us (him, me, and GF) know. This is all kind of dumb and, mostly, background noise to a great friendship. I decided that we’d just always have a little tension/chemistry but that we’d probably never mention it and that’s fine. That’s likely right! But this weekend he and I drove up to this cabin together (about 3 hrs each way) and things felt...loaded?

I’m getting tired, so I may need to write down the rest of my thoughts later. But, on the way up, we listened to music and drove through the dark and had some good conversations about friends, family, work, life, etc. The weekend was great (about which more later, hopefully) and then today on the drive back (which, again, is close to 3 hours) we did nothing but talk. First, about life stuff and then, rapidly, about our entire relationship histories. We’d exchanged a lot of that info before--including how much I remind him of the GF before this one, which we affirmed again when I referred to her as “the one who is basically me” and he said “yeah, and in more than the superficial ways too.” To be clear, he wasn’t talking about his current relationship or implying anything like dissatisfaction with it. There was just a whole LOT of dating history, hookup history, good/bad feelings and experiences; the kind of long convo you can have with a friend while burning miles of highway.

We took a break, got back in the car, and I laughed and said “I feel like that was pretty much my whole history but if there’s anything else you want to know AMA!”. I didn’t expect him to take it seriously but he did and basically asked “What crazy things did you do when you were younger” and I was like “in what sense? and what’s do you consider ‘crazy’?” and he was like “I mostly mean sexually...and you get to decide what counts.” So, I don’t have a totally extensive experience to draw from but I have some so I shared a few and was like “what about you?” and then he shared a few. And we had actual real conversations about how relationships make you feel and about the weird nexus of desire and shame that can happen. 

Eventually I was like, “I think that’s everything I could tell you...anything else you wanted to know?”. And he goes quiet for a L O N G time and goes “is there anyone in [place where we live] that you have like a crush on?”. And I am rolling my eyes internally (and possibly externally) because EITHER this is the most obvious ploy to get me to say “oh it’s you!” that I’ve ever heard, or else he so TOTALLY doesn’t think of me that way that he’s not even counting himself as a possibility. So I just go ahead and say, “well, if you weren’t in a relationship I would want to date you” b/c I am not going to coyly misdirect. I’m watching the traffic b/c the highway is crowded so I don’t know what face he made but he says, “Thank you. I mean...yeah. I could see that happening. [pause] But what I meant was is there anyone you have just, like, an idle crush on?”. So then I feel kind of dumb because was that his way of letting me down gently? OR was it way of saying “yeah, what you’re talking about with us is more than an idle crush”?? One way makes me feel stupid for saying anything, and the other makes me feel like he pretty much just told me that we’d be dating if he weren’t with someone else - which is what I suspected but which I also thought it made me arrogant to think. (Or maybe it was just a way to not have to follow up on us both basically admitting that if things were different we’d be a couple.)

There was some other odd stuff, though none of it felt weird in a bad way just like it stuck out a little. (FYI, it was all in fun and not at all awkward - we are super comfortable together.) I was talking about how several times I’ve gotten together with guys for a short time who then went back to their long-term girlfriends and how one of my other friends said I was a “what if” girl; like “sure I have a girlfriend but what if I were with HER??”. And he was like, well yeah, that’s possible and a huge compliment b/c why not dream big? And then later said that clearly I could be a homewrecker if I ever wanted to be (though we both know I wouldn’t). He also told me about another girl who was his ex’s roommate who just started texting him again talking about how she’s unhappy in her relationship; he says they always had chemistry and that she’s reaching out b/c of that but that, obviously, he’s just playing dumb in the text messages and pretending that’s not what she’s doing. But, like, is he letting me know that other people like him? Why? Basically, I couldn’t get a handle on whether this conversation, whatever else it was, had a subtextual vibe of “I have doubts/questions about my current situation” or not.

Having typed it out, though, it sounds a bit like it does? And like they might involve me? Or that it’s just fully a “bad timing” kind of thing where we could date but obviously never will. Can we at least conclude that this is someone who is attracted to me?? It sounds like that, right?

I mean, it also sounds very silly and not appropriate to my age to be going over in such detail but, honestly, if it’s distracting me from cancer that’s kind of just good. Anyway, you are readers and writers of fic and consumers of literature so I appeal to you to let me know what YOU think is going on here...aside from the fact that no matter what I have a great pair of friends who I care very much about. I welcome the distraction....though if you could comment and not reblog that would be great. And thank you for reading this diary entry. ;)

[ahiddenpath]

Survey Results

Hey babes!  I’m gonna show the results of my survey and announce my Nanowrimo 2019 project beneath the cut!  WooOOOoooOOO!

First, thank you all so much for your responses, I appreciate it so much!  Also, thanks for you patience while I reblogged my own dang survey XD

Seeking Resonance is the winner!  I know from past surveys that people generally want me to finish my old fics before I start new ones (shocking, I know XD).  This is a bit rough for me, because I’m itching to write something more lighthearted...  But I also truly do want to finish what I started.  

So, once After August is complete (only 1 chapter remains), I will do my best to complete SR, at least until November.  Hopefully I can get a few updates in.

And speaking of November...

HOLY COW.  SO MANY VOTES FOR EIMI IN TRI.

I didn’t even come up with this idea!  While Tri was running, I received PMs from people asking...  Basically, what would Eimi have done here?  Would Eimi worry about Iori?  Would she feel betrayed when she saw the Kaiser?  What would happen to Galemon after the Reboot and during the infection?  I think I sort of... jokingly mentioned writing a fic to address those questions, and people... seemed enthusiastic!

I’ll admit that I’m... well, really surprised!  For one, I mean, uh...  Generally, OCs are unpopular, and I always see myself as sort of...  Being kind of embarrassing.  Sort of being like...  “Er, ehehehe, here’s an OC fic, ahahha, I know fandoms hate them but, ahhhh well, HERE YOU GO!”

So, I just... thank you all for loving Eimi and Galemon *weep*

Secondly, I was under the impression that Tri is pretty divisive, with people either loving or hating it.  But I also think that...  People who disliked Tri might want a fandom author to...  Well, to address some of the things they didn’t like about the canon content (ie, the “I fix for you” fanfic genre).  I don’t want to imply that Tri was broken and needs fixing, but there are points that are unpopular for a lot of the fanbase.  So maybe that’s why you guys are interested?  When I wrote this drabble set in Kokuhaku, I received a few messages to that effect.

So, well, I’mma do it for Nanowrimo!  There are almost 9 weeks until November 1st.  My plan is to watch 1 Tri movie per week and plan the chapter set in that movie that week.  This will leave me almost 3 weeks to go over the plan, make sure it’s cohesive, cut things, add things, etc.

Eimi’s “out of darkness” ultimate evolution arc will happen alongside Sora’s in Sōshitsu.  I’m thinking that the Kokuhaku and Sōshitsu chapters will have 2 updates (since those movies contain Koushiro’s and Eimi’s arcs), and the other chapters will have only 1.  The story will be between 40-50K words, I hope.  Readers of Growing Up with You will recognize my...  The thing where I write mostly through the lens of Koushiro and Eimi, with occasional input from the others.  

I plan to touch on and expand the following ideas:

Eimi searching for the 02 kids while the others believe Himekawa.

Eimi questioning Himekawa, her organization, and Meiko/Meicoomon, creating tension between her and the others.

Expansion on the digimon/humans politics issues.

Expanding of Meiko’s arc and motives, with heavy reduction of ‘comforting Meiko’ scenes (except for Mimi bonding with Meiko and Sora comforting her; I consider reduction of Sora a crime).

What happens to an infected Galemon?  How does Eimi react?  How does this further isolate her from Takeru and Meiko, who made different choices?

In general, Eimi is going to take issue with Meiko’s choices more than the others.  This, combined with her distrust of the organization and distress over the 02 kids and Ken/Kaiser, is going to make her an outsider and cause issues.

Lots of exploration and answers regarding the Glen, Justice, and anomaly issue.

I’m removing the “pervert Koushiro” stuff and changing the angle on “fashion disaster Koushiro” and “socially inept Koushiro.”  Basically, Tri Koushiro is going to feel a lot more like an older GUWY Koushiro.

Even more tension for Koushiro in Kokuhaku (sorry dude) as we add politics and distress over Eimi’s withdrawal to what he was already dealing with (sorry dude).

I was confused by Mimi and Koushiro fighting and never... resolving it (Mimi was briefly shown delivering tea for him as a peace offering, but after that, they didn’t react much in a meaningful way).  I want to explore Mimi and Koushiro’s argument and friendship.

Those are the things I know for now!  Thank you again to everyone who voted!  Apologies to those of you who weren’t in the majority, but I do hope I can get to everything someday.

If you have any ideas for Eimi in Tri (including a fic name, I can’t name it Eimi in Tri, that’s a bit too...  On the nose), please message me and let me know!

[yeonchi]

Thinking about the future of EDGN

I’ve never asked a lot out of my fans over the years, but to some of my close fans (you know who you are), I’d really appreciate some helpful advice because this is an important decision I’m making that will affect both you, the fans, and myself.

To cut a long story short for a tl;dr, I no longer enjoy posting about the voice languages in localised Japanese games because of some recent events and realisations and I want to retire from the English Dubbed Game News page altogether.

It’s been about five years since I started all this with the Koei Warriors Rant Series and since then, everything I’ve done that’s related to English dub has brought me nothing but hate. I know it’s a bit of an exaggeration and some of my close fans may have something to say to the contrary, but I’ve been feeling quite negative lately and because of that, I think it’s a brutally honest summary.

After ending the Dub Logistics series, I thought the one thing I could do to repay my fans for their support over the years was to continue posting on EDGN. Personally, I think I’ve done enough already and also, as I said in a post back in August, I’ve been having doubts about the future of the page and what I want to do with it given my current interests. There are several factors that led to me having these doubts, which I’ll be outlining after the break. (I can’t even put horizontal lines in my posts with the rich text editor now, thanks Tumblr)

1. I was never interested in any game outside of the Koei Warriors series or any game I played in the past (eg. Dissidia Final Fantasy).

This really shouldn’t be a surprise to my fans because in the past, I’ve rarely posted anything outside of the series I was interested in, including the aforementioned series. If I came across something by chance and liked it, then I would do some investigation into it, but these days, the spark just doesn’t want to light up anymore.

I’ve never really taken the chance to buy new games because my family doesn’t believe in buying things that aren’t important and as such, I took that mantra to heart. While I never brought a PS3, I did get a Nintendo Wii, but I traded it in later for a Wii U and not a PS4, which I still regret to this day. I pirated my PSP, DS and PC games (let’s face it, who doesn’t) and played with emulators on my computer. I only got a Steam account to play Team Fortress 2 (laggy though it was on my shitty computer) and I never brought anything from it, which made it difficult for me to add friends on there (not that they really cared in the end).

By extension, this applies to anime as well, which is the reason why I never post anything outside of the same few animes on the Waifu Network or on my Facebook pages. My belief on sexism in anime has also contributed to this disinterest; the only reason why I’m still posting the same few animes is because I’m still somewhat interested in them and I’m grateful for how they inspired some personal projects of mine.

2. Various factors have led me to lose interest in video games, including the Koei Warriors Series.

The reason why I started my dub crusade in the first place was because of Warriors Orochi 3 (Ultimate) and Samurai Warriors 4 not being dubbed. The reason why I decided to jump ship was because of Dynasty Warriors 9 being dubbed, just not with the same cast I had grown to love. I know that there were extenuating circumstances for the latter, but given everything that happened between that time, my hope that the old English voice cast (since Dynasty Warriors 4-6/Warriors Orochi 1-2) would return to voice that game (and other future games) was gone.

In addition to the previous factor, I started to find myself with more commitments than I had in past years, along with some different interests that I picked up along the way. At first, I didn’t feel like playing games because of my commitments, but eventually, it got to the point where I didn’t want to play most video games again because of the disappointment I’ve experienced from Koei Tecmo. Learning about all the things that AAA gaming companies do to reduce expenditure and increase revenue turned me off from video games as well. In my opinion, it wasn’t so much a boycott (per se) than it was a loss of interest.

3. The original group of people who inspired me to start writing these rants are now gone.

I know I’ve had other fans since the start of all this, but the original group had a special place in all this because of it. There were four people in the original group, who I met on Koei’s original Facebook page, and they were as follows:

The first one did comment on my older stuff, but he left quite early, possibly since DW8E’s release. I saw that he deactivated his account some time in 2017.

The second one had a YouTube channel and he was an admin on one of my Facebook pages for some time, but then he left after a period of inactivity without any explanation.

The third one was the more prominent because of his LGBT status and mental health issues. In the middle of 2015, he announced to everyone that he was deactivating his Facebook account because it was a burden on his mental health. He reactivated his account some time later, but he deactivated it again in September 2017 and hasn’t come back since. During that time, I saw a post from him stating that he was going to take a lot of pills and commit suicide. I reported it to Facebook in the hope that it might encourage him to find some help, even though I remember him stating that nothing works for him anymore. When I noticed that he hadn’t come back to Facebook months after he deactivated his account the second time, I assumed the worst.

The fourth one, also known as the family man or “the last one standing”, deactivated his account in June this year. We never really talked much, but as I said in this post, I’m still grateful to him for helping me find the new weapon and Musou information in DW8E when the Koei Wiki didn’t have it yet (because the game was just released at the time).

4. The impact of the feud’s aftermath still haunts me to this day.

When I agreed to end the feud on a mutual understanding a couple of years back, I promised myself that I would quickly move on from the troll behind it and not keep reminding myself of everything that happened. However, I’m a person that’s prone to anxiety when I think of worst-case-scenarios and at times, I found myself thinking about what would have happened had my Facebook account been deleted just because a troll couldn’t take the L when he got owned by someone half his age (compare that to Leafy who made terrible criticisms of people who are older than him, then claimed that he can hide behind the fact that he is younger than them). Him coming back out of nowhere earlier this year didn’t do any favours for anyone either. Regardless of that, I’ve got my bottom ground and I’ll continue to live on it regardless of what anyone else thinks of me.

I’d like to take a moment to digress and talk about cancel culture and political censorship. Because both parties in the feud weren’t exactly that popular (we had our own little fanbases, but that’s it), me and the other party “cancelling” each other (admittedly) didn’t seem to have as much an effect as we had hoped. Other factors that contributed to this could be that cancel culture (an extension to call-out culture) wasn’t that much of a thing two years ago and when the other party tried to cancel me, he made no attempt to spread the word to his fans. It was likely that he was trying to show mercy, but that doesn’t explain why he kept reporting my posts relating to him and current events in Hong Kong, knowing that I would eventually get banned if I didn’t call him out on it. I was as much a victim than I admittedly was an offender of cancel culture.

Following the feud, I’ve become wary of social media censorship because I experienced what it was like for someone to get petty and get people deplatformed by mass reporting them. Other pages like meme pages have suffered the same fate in the past (mostly because people take certain jokes too seriously), but despite my hopes, it didn’t seem like Facebook was going to do anything about the petty mass-reporting of those pages. Recently, however, I’ve been seeing news on tech companies being grilled over the censorship of conservatives and President Trump criticising them for the same thing. I’m not saying that I’m supporting Trump backing the pages that are being censored (conservative, far-right, alt-right, you name it), but I hope that this can hopefully extend to random meme pages being reported for petty reasons.

5. Ever since I decided to stop being toxic, I found myself conflicted when confronted with more toxic comments to the point that I’ve started to become paranoid over negative criticism.

When I decided to change the #NoDubNoBuy page to EDGN, I hoped that the hate towards my page would be reduced somewhat, but I never expected that it would be gone entirely. Since then, three people have made negative comments on the page; one was a girl who saw one of my posts being shared on a private group, misunderstood the (new) purpose of the page and despite her attitude, was still somewhat respectful, one was a Europoor dub hater from Spain (from what I’ve seen and learnt, Europeans tend to be sub fans and/or dub haters because of their English comprehension and ability to read subtitles) and one was an Americuck soyboy dub hater who pointed out about “crybaby fans” (”fans” as in the gatekeeping term “fake fans”, never mind my theory that people, especially men, who call other people, especially other men, “crybabies” are actually spreading toxic masculinity) who liked stuff to be Americanised but didn’t acknowledge the Japanese origins.

I’m gonna go off on a tangent and do a bit of an ad-homimem here (but it’s alright because I’m going to rebut his point next) and point out that I called the Americuck a soyboy because he had quite a long beard, but to be honest, if I called everyone who had beards “soyboys”, that would make people like Count Dankula and Sargon of Akkad “soyboys” as well, so it’d be a pretty slippery slope if I didn’t clarify who I was talking about.

Now, I’m going to move back on another tangent and rebut the soyboy’s point, because I think this is a pretty important point to address. No one is saying outright that they want Japanese games to be Americanised in terms of cultural references (if 4Kids has taught us anything). Saying that Americanisation is responsible for bad dubbing is a bit like blaming video games for causing violence. If someone says that they would like a game to be dubbed into English in localisation, then it is presumed that they want the dialogue to be dubbed in addition to the text being translated (or “dublated”). Any cultural changes made to the game or the dialogue are entirely the responsibility of those who made those changes, like the gaming companies who censor stuff for Western audiences, so if you’re complaining about a Japanese game being too “Americanised”, don’t take it out on dub fans because chances are that they didn’t want the dub to be too “Americanised” either.

Completing the square and going back to the original tangent, I didn’t post any of their comments to the dub hater comments album because I had deleted it after the feud in the hope that I wouldn’t be as toxic as I had been before. You can probably already see how toxic I would probably be if the above responses were posted on the page and directed back at them, which would mean that I’m not upholding myself to the standards I wanted to follow.

6. I’m becoming more and more concerned about current events to worry about things like English dubbing in video games.

If you’re someone who has unironically thought that I was making a big deal over something you thought was minor, then this is going to sound very ironic for you. From all these years of learning and research, I’ve attained an expansive world view and while I have made jokes about current events in the past to lighten the mood or express my anger, deep down I’m actually concerned about these things, particularly in regards to Hong Kong during this politically sensitive time.

For some reason, my desire to make posts has decreased because in addition to the above factors, I’ve been getting more and more worried about current affairs. Granted, the point of things like anime and video games and the Internet is to provide an escape from reality, but in the end, I guess that you have to face it whether you like it or not.

Making the decision to stop posting on EDGN hasn’t been an easy one, but all the factors I described above have gradually made it easier. Like the Undub page did, I had considered changing the focus of my page to merely report on the voice languages of games without saying whether we approve or reject it because it isn’t dubbed in English/Japanese; that is, we report on them with an unbiased viewpoint. Not adding excessively biased pro-dub comments on our posts has made it more neutral, but in the end, it didn’t stop the dub hater cucks. I should point out that one of the reasons why I wanted to change the #NoDubNoBuy page to EDGN was so that we could reduce the amount of hate we were getting.

What was the original goal of me starting this dub crusade? If you have read my rants in the past, then you will have picked up my hopes that Japanese games would be localised to the West with full Japanese and English dubbing and that if game companies couldn’t achieve that, then they should apologise and explain why. Would I say that I achieved or failed to achieve this goal? Not really, because over the years, I learnt a lot about the video game and voiceover industries and gradually realised that it’s not as straightforward as I had initially hoped. To be honest, it was kind of stupid of me to hope that gaming companies would say anything straightforward about this, but on the other hand, I learnt that gaming companies are like politicians as well; they say the things they want to say and not the things people want to hear.

To my fans, particularly my close fans, feel free to send me your opinions about my decision, however if you’re trying to change my mind, then I’m not sure if it can be changed so easily. If you think that I haven’t lived up to what you expect from me, then I’m sorry, but in the end, I have to think of myself as well.

If I could say one thing to the dub fanbase, I want to ask why no one else has ever tried to do something like EDGN. You have your groups and pages on social media and yet, it had to take two people pissed off with the dubbing direction of gaming companies to do it. Granted, that was how the Undub page started, with the lack of Japanese voices in localised games, and yet they didn’t get as much hate as my page did.

If there is anyone out there who wants to follow in my footsteps and make a page like EDGN, let me be the first to give you my blessing because I’m not going to be like the Undub page when they discovered us and point fingers for copying their posts when in the end, games are the same to everyone. While transparency regarding voice languages has increased over the years, there was never a place where dub fans could know about what games were dubbed in English. You don’t have to be like me and make a series of rants about why some games aren’t dubbed, because I’ve already done it, but instead, I suggest going the unbiased route as I stated earlier. Of course, you don’t have to follow my advice - it’s your page, after all.

My plan is to retire from EDGN at the end of the year. I have 12 more games in the backlog, all with English voices, and I’m hoping to post them all on the page before then. I probably won’t remove myself as an admin (because I think there’ll be some petty, obsessed cuck who’ll dig out my posts and make a rant series on me or something), but I’ll probably have it so that I can forget about the page as time goes on.

With this, my dub crusade has come to an end. Once again, to the fans, I’m sorry and I thank you for your support. As always, it is your choice as to whether you wish to continue following me, whether on Facebook or Tumblr, after my retirement.

[qtakesams]

Is Traveling Really Therapeutic?

For those of you who haven’t followed my social media this year (I really apologize for how showy I can be on Facebook), 2019 has been a really powerful year of my life.

           In the first week of January, I took a weekend trip to Toronto with two of my best friends. We did everything from the driving to the hotel booking to the meal planning. It was intense and so, so much fun. Over my spring break, my dad and I took a week trip out to California, Nevada, and Arizona. We started in Vegas, worked our way the entire way through Death Valley into the Sierras, and back down to Willow Beach. In the span of four days, I fell in love with the Sierras, Joshua Tree, and flying in planes. It was right before this trip ended that I received an email, lying in bed as the sun poked through my window shades, that I had earned an internship in Edgewater, Maryland, with the Smithsonian. Directly after spring break ended, I headed back to school where I remained until May 16th. Over Memorial Day weekend, I moved down to Maryland, where I lived until August 2nd. Two weeks later, I hopped on a plane to move to Amsterdam for study abroad, where I currently sit writing this post.

           If you aren’t a seasoned traveler or you don’t have excessive wanderlust, your head is probably spinning from reading that paragraph. I don’t blame you, because my head spun while I wrote it.

           There have been summers of my life where I was barely home at all, usually because of a lengthy field trip in June and then vacations in July and August. Yet, this has been the first year of my life where I have truly been everywhere, up and down, side to side. Every minute of every day. Every month had a new place, a new adventure.

           I’ve been in Amsterdam almost a full month now (more on this later). Yet, I’m still having the moments where I leave class or get off the tram or open my curtains in the morning and think holy shit, I live here. This city is one I’ve dreamt about visiting for my entire life. Nothing is more striking than walking down a narrow, brick street in Amsterdam West and realizing you’ve seen a picture of it in National Geographic.

           I grew up watching Bindi Irwin, Malala Yousufzai, Malia Obama. These young women are all my age, women who started globetrotting before they started high school. Their shows, books, and photos have instilled in me dreams of journalism in the Middle East, making a difference in the animal kingdom, and kickstarting campaigns that work toward reducing sexual stigmas against women. If the amount of traveling and adventure I’ve had in 2019 had taught me anything, it taught me, finally, that the world is big, but I am bigger, and I can do the things I want to do.

           I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how “The Year Quinn Goes Everywhere” ended up being the last year of this decade. In 2010, I was an annoying, awkward, anxiety-riddled fifth grader who had no idea where I stood in the world. In one single decade of the 2010’s, I battled middle school, high school, and over two years of college. I flew threw my teenage years directly into my early twenties where I am now. I changed a lot, in so many ways. Quite honestly, if I had a time machine, I might use it to return to that 2010 Quinn and show her what she’d turn into by 2020. That said, I’m not sure she’d believe me.

           This rambling brings me to the purpose of this blog post: is traveling as educating and therapeutic as we are led to believe?

           My first year of college, I didn’t do very much outside of academics. Multiple things were occurring in my life that I disliked strongly but didn’t have the courage to end because I didn’t think I could. This last year, a few major changes happened in my life that for once, I welcomed with open arms. Then the spring semester happened. My social life was awesome, and my grades stayed mostly decent, but I felt drained from the life changes and my mental health dipped a little. Not a lot, but enough to feel disappointed in myself. For about a month, (this is my first time admitting this), I strongly considered dropping out of college, not sure if I had what it took to keep going. I told myself to finish what I’d started, to prove to the world that average kids like me could still make something of themselves. I suppose, ultimately, I realized I needed to keep going because 2010 Quinn had kept going, and she’d made it. If I kept going, I would make it, even if it was a difficult journey.

           A love of travel is something I think I love, partly, because it runs through my family’s blood. On my father’s side of the family, there are seven cousins. I am the youngest, and my oldest cousin is roughly eight years older than me. Between all of us, we’ve lived in different countries throughout Europe, South America, and North America. Between the cousins and the parents and the grandfather, the 16 of us or so have covered every continent on Earth, dozens of countries, and so, so many cultures. If I didn’t have excessive wanderlust, I’d be kicked out of my family.

           I know I’ll get backlash for saying this, but I do not like the way our current governmental administration looks at the rest of the world. I don’t like “America First” or “Make America Great Again”. I dislike these phrases because they isolate us. They prohibit us from the ability to walk a mile in another’s shoes. They imply that we used to be something fantastic and then we weren’t, for a long time. Our administration tells migrants and refugees they are not welcome here or they should go home, when in fact our country is founded upon immigrants and the work, they do to keep themselves alive. It’s occurred to me several times that our administration focuses on these phrases because they have never worried about anything, or anyone, else but themselves.

            This, my friend, is where traveling comes in. Just by visiting Toronto, Death Valley, and Amsterdam, I’ve seen ways of life that are entirely different from my own. There are differences in safety measures, environmental protection, and the way homeless people will react to your presence. Differences in grocery stores, the way people hold doors open, and food preparation. Mind-blowing little things you could possibly only notice if you travel to these different places.

           In some ways, 2019 has been one giant therapy session for me so far. I’ve learned (thus far) how independent I can be—how well I can take care of myself when nobody else can do it for me. I’ve looked some of my greatest fears (more on these later) in the face and told them to fuck off. Traveling forces you to leave your comfort zone. It forces you to expose the raw parts of you to the literal, worldwide public audience that watches you navigate an airport or a new city.

           I’ve cried a lot this year, sometimes from sadness and sometimes from being so happy I cannot contain it all. I’ve smiled so much that I think any wrinkles I started developing have dissipated. Until this year, when I started going on so many trips, I never realized how trapped I feel in my hometown. Of course, I love going home for a few weeks at a time, specifically during the holidays. Yet, whenever I return to the town I grew up in and I drive past my high school, I feel myself reverting back to who I was as a teenager. The overly introverted, shy kid who doesn’t know where she’s going. I don’t dislike this version of myself, but I’m still glad she’s gone, and I never want to return to her.

           At the end of this year, I think I’m going to get to look back at my adventures and realize how much I’ve changed. Or at least, I hope so. I feel refreshed and new, and hopefully I’ll give off similar vibes when I come home in a few months. And, I’ll get to answer once and for all if this year was as therapeutic as it currently feels.

           Mostly, I hope that somewhere out in space, wherever that fifth grade, 2010 Quinn is, that she can deem herself proud of me. I’m obscenely proud of her, and somehow, I think she knows that.

[justalittlemango]

Hmmm

So uh... I haven't posted on this Tumblr for a while. A few months by the looks of it? That last post was the beginning of this year. And now it's 20th August 2021.

So what happened? Also ugh the formatting on this site. Welp, my last post seemed to be a lot about my now-ex. I'll call him Tit as I think that's an appropriate name. So yeah, he did come back sometime after I wrote that post. He came back. He seemed to have been feeling better. It was nice to see him happy and things pretty much went back to how they were before, even better if anything. Sadly that was only temporary! Well, I say sadly. Sad at the time. I don't care these days.

Something happened, he lost it over me doing literally nothing. I knew he had problems with my mental health but I don't like to be accused of all sorts when all I try to do is help. I knew at that time, that was the calling point. Cutting off ties. Because my health both mentally and physically could not deal with everything he was putting me through. I cut him off. It felt sad but I knew I had to do it. And fast forward six months later, there's been no contact between us. Thank god.

So.. that was always fun.. I lost my friends who I had met through Tit. I knew that was coming as well. I can still be mad over that, but at the end of the day, who's side are they going to stick by? Mine (someone they've only known for a few months) or his (someone they adore and known for years even.) I guess the outcome here was kind of obvious. I wish I could say I didn't care it happened, but it did hurt me. When I was already going through so much hurt just seeing that was not nice. Thankfully I was never confronted before it happened, I was just swiftly deleted/unfriended/removed and that's that.

That was the second time in a 7/8 month span that I lost friends because of these love problems. So all in all? I'm pretty fucking tired of that happening lol. Anyway, these people are irrelevant now and no longer play a part in my life. So I just need to forget about them.

So did things get any better? Yes! I met someone new. My Dommy. I joined this server in attempt to make some friends and play games with (since the friends I once did that with departed..) so I thought I'd shoot my shot there. It started off okay, I was making friends and it was fun. I met Dommy in there. There was something that caught my eye about him when I would see him chatting and stuff. We spoke to each other through DMs for a bit and played games together. It was so much fun. And the more I got to know about him the more I was like ... My god ... Because I knew I was going to catch feelings for him. Everything he was telling me about himself just made the feelings grow more and more. Like he just kept ticking my boxes in what I seek in a partner.

At first I didn't wanna catch feelings, mostly due to the fact he's 18, and I was 23 (now I'm 24 so yay). I felt the age gap would've been too weird and I wouldn't usually consider anyone that's under 21 to be a potential partner. But god it was so hard to think like that when the more I learnt about him, the more these feelings kept growing. He just knew exactly what to say. His personality and everything. He's so fun and kind. So wholesome. Positive. I find him so relatable too. I definitely didn't expect this for someone who is quite frankly, fresh into adulthood. But here we are!

Heh, let's just say I tried to dim my feelings down. And it definitely didn't work. And I remember thinking at first like, oh god he wouldn't want feelings for me I'm like 5 years older than him LOLLL. But boy was I wrong! About a month after chatting and playing games together (quite frequently too) - he told me he had a crush on me. And I remember how great that felt. It felt so... fucking... amazing. To read everything he said to me. I really didn't think he'd feel that way.. I had my suspicions on somethings but they were more just me being overly hopeful. And of course, I had to tell him I crushed him back. I had the same feelings. And ever since then it just continually grows.

26th May we decided to become long distance boyfriends. We both felt ready for it. Every day and night I got to spend with him on voice chat was SO enjoyable. It was so much fun. The love kept continuing to grow and grow. The more he told me about himself, the more he truly sounded like my perfect man. My soul mate even! And he felt the same way about it all. And now we're so clingy and romantic for each other all the time and I LOVE IT!!

Fast forward to August. We still here. We hope to meet up soon. We surround ourselves with such positive romantic energy. Inspiring each other to be our best selves. Heck, we both got jobs just so we can buy stuff for each other and visit frequently. And that's where we're at. We're awaiting the day for when we meet.

I'm so grateful for him. He changed my life around. I hit rock bottom and he full on dragged me out. Showed me that I can still love. Supported me through everything. Even with everything that happened after my ex. He was there. And still today, with everything I went through.. he had my back.

I love him so much. With everything I have. To the end of days. I've never met ANYONE like him. My past relationships don't even come close to what he and I have. And the crazy thing? He feels the same.. this is just magical. See, it would be TOO good if we were living in the same country. But alas, I am UK, he is US.. a few thousand miles away. But you know what? I'm making it my goal that we'll live together. We talk about having a family, living together, going on so many dates and just doing everything together.

It's my goal. Ultimate. Life goal. I don't want to die without being able to hold him in my arms. And very soon I hope, I will be able to hold him, watch him fall asleep in my arms and whisper "I love you" right in his ear. I 100% trust him. I've never been able to fully trust anyone in my life before. Not my previous partners or anything. But my Dommy? I trust him with my life.

But are there any issues?

Nope. Not really. Sometimes I still feel a lil weird about the age gap. I'll be meeting my boyfriend who's 18, as a 24 year old.. doing lovey things lol. Sometimes I worry about what others think about that, mostly his family. My family know about it and they think it's fine, as with my friends. I hope his family are the same! I mean, it's only 5 year difference. It's not that much at all. I just overthink it and it's a ridiculous thing to overthink! Because he is my soulmate. If anybody has a problem with it, then they'll have to deal with it. Cause I ain't going anywhere. And neither is he 😏 actually I think he'd get more sassy at them than I would!

But yeah. Uh. Anything else? Not really. He's a busy lad but I love that for him. He does so much for his family. He can do so much. Working, driving, going to college.. I'm so proud of him! And I think from what I know from his childhood, he deserves to have all these nice times with his family. So no, there are no issues between us. We have never even argued yet! And I couldn't imagine arguing with him.

So I hope next time I write here.. I'd have met him in person. And experience that. It would be the best day of my life.

____

Anyway! How am I? I'm fine right now. I'm struggling a bit because I have no money left. Kinda annoyed I spent my travel moneys on myself (because I had to.) I hope that issue will be sorted next month when I get my student loan, and hopefully this job that I interviewed for yesterday! Interview lasted over an hour and I'm only competing against one other person. So.. if I get that.. the money gonna be sweet. And you already know I'll be investing in travelling to see my Dommy!

But I also want to try to do my driving lessons. Get my own groceries again and my weight gain stuff because my body is far too skinny! I want to try and get a gym membership too while I'm at it. I say all this, but where the heck am I gonna find the time to do all this? Especially as a full time student! But I think we got this. Driving lessons aren't urgent, and even so they wouldn't take long if I do lessons in an auto. Since I've driven before. So maybe I'll only need 10 lessons.

I want to go the gym and build my body a little bit. Look a bit more in shape for when I see my boy hehehe.

So yeah, lack of money is my main issue here. I can't afford to go out and get my own food and supplements. So until I get my moneys, my mood is going to be patchy. It'll be worth the wait though if things go all out to plan.

Anything else on my mind? Well.. being back here in B'ham! I don't particularly feel safe here. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be back with my parents. And not have to pay rent on a student house.. but that does come with some negatives... Quite a few negatives. These being.. lack of privacy, not being able to make a lot of noise late at night, not feeling safe in the city, issues with bathroom/showers, and the god forsaken slow internet.

Positives though? Being with my parents, in the big city where everything is, good stores and nightlife. Few friends are here. Though not too many I'm interested in seeing. Lol. I guess I'm in the middle of everything too so if I wanted to travel out of city to see someone , I have the option to do so.

So.. yeah! A lot more good than bad going on right now and thank god. Because how this year started was awful. It was literally the hardest time of my life to get through it. And everything that happened in the summer, I'm so grateful for. And my Dommy. I'm so happy he came into my life. I feel honoured and blessed to be in a relationship with him.

I hope things go to plan. I'm in my last year of university, and will be graduating next year. So that should be exciting! And then I have plans to study at BCU next year to do a master degree in UX! Which is exactly the kind of thing I want to get into! So that's a good two years of a steady income from student finance, and hopefully this part time job! So fingers crossed these plans will work out.

Those are my goals that I see in the distance. Travel to see my boyfriend, graduate and get onto that post-grad course! My short term goals. Oh and also get a part time job. Lol. My long term goals is to honestly.. immigrate to the US. I know it sounds wild. But it's what I want. I need to be with my boyfriend. Start a life with him. And spend the rest of my life with my Dommy. I don't know when I'd ever be able to live with him.. but let's just say you need to have a strong background to be accepted as a US citizen. But with the plans I got...it should work! Having a master's degree and hopefully someone will hire a UX designer from the US and sponsor me! With some luck.

How long do I think that would take? Probably sometime within the next 5 years.. I hope. If I'm lucky! And interesting to think, in 5 years I'm 28, and my boyfriend will be 23! Which I think is the perfect time in both our lives to find a place together to live and be happy.

I feel with that, being away from my parents via long distance is going to be VERY difficult. But I'd try my best to visit them for a month or so. And of course, I still want to support them even if I am living abroad.

Ok. Here is the end of the post. I hope I don't look back at this in a few months and laugh. I know not all of this will work out, but I hope most of it will! So yeah, here's to the future! To good health, happyness, and my boyfriend of course ;)

-mangiiii

[rpgmgames]

November’s Featured Game: lux (dream.girl)

DEVELOPER(S): Rindre Rindere ENGINE: RPGMaker 2k3   GENRE: Psychological Horror, Exploration SUMMARY: lux (dream.girl) is a surreal psychological horror game created in RPG Maker 2003 where you play as Benjamin, a socially inept teenage writer who struggles with depression, loneliness, and writer’s block. When he decides to try lucid dreaming to figure out how to push his story forward, he meets new friends, new enemies, and his literal dream girl. Making certain choices will either help or hurt his relationships, and the outcome of his story.

Download the demo here!

Introduce yourself!  *Hi! I'm Rindre! I've been working on RPG Maker for about 5 or 6 years at this point! First and foremost, I'm an artist, then a game developer, then a voice actor. I am also a garlic bread enthusiast. You might also know me as: -The voice of Aria/the lead translator in Aria's Story -Will's Teacher in The Hanged Man -The mod of Yumeresource -The admin of the RPG Horror Discord server -The host of the Pixel Horror Jams! I'm also on plenty of teams, mostly as a voice actor. These include b/f, AURORA, and The Doctrine of Perseverance.

What is your project about? What inspired you to create your game initially? *Rindre: lux is about a boy named Ben, who is an aspiring writer who hits a writer's block and tries to take up lucid dreaming to interact with his stories and characters find out how to advance his story. He ends up meeting interesting people, including his literal dream girl. Yume Nikki is a big inspiration for me. My stories I had written when I was younger also played a huge part, and I decided to recycle bits and pieces of them into lux. Ultimately, the frustrations and experience of being a content creator inspired me to make the game. Hopefully these themes will ring universal to whoever relates to being a creator as well.

How long have you been working on your project? *Rindre: You could say 5 years, or 2 years, or since July 2017! lux actually originated as a Yume Nikki fangame in 2012 (as are all games I've made...). I picked it up again on October 2 2015 as a concept to keep a work log, but actually making it into a tangible product took me until 2017's Pixel Horror Jam. The work log has 30+ pages to it! The Yume Nikki fangame version was prepared to be released, but I forgot, and now I'm too ashamed to release it because I meant to do it 5 years ago :(

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Rindre: I'm a big fan of psychological and sci-fi/cyberpunk media. These things usually ask: Who are we, and who are we in other people's eyes? What defines us? What does it mean to be an individual in our society? It's a question I like to ask myself and explore in my own projects. My major inspirations who ask these existential questions are deep within Satoshi Kon's works and Philip K Dick's stories, as well as other movies that were inspired by those two or are in the genre (like The Matrix, Inception, Akira, Ghost In The Shell, Serial Experiments Lain, etc.). Some other inspirations and influences that might be surprising are: Kappa Mikey (art style mixing), Vocaloid producers (Crusher-P, Mothy, Yuyoyuppe), Evangelion, Linkin Park, the Hamtaro GBA games, Kirby, and my own dreams. Unsurprisingly, Yume Nikki is the biggest inspiration. I really like the concept of dreams and escapism, and how it often plays into existentialism.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them?   *Rindre: They say that when making a game, 10% is actual development and 90% is bugfixing/quality assurance. This is VERY TRUE. I spent a couple months working with my bugtesters (Thanks Biel, Choko, Meaka, Pinkuboa, and Uboaappears). The actual demo was a bunch of crunch time for the jam, which was July - August). There were a lot of bugfixes involved, including a bug I was so puzzled with and thought I couldn't fix but the solution was so simple. It took me a month to figure it out! The RM2k3 update caused a bit of trouble for me, but I thank my bugtesters endlessly for helping me squash most, if not all, bugs. On the other hand, in case anybody asks, yes: I have lucid dreamt of my characters in lux when I hit a roadblock. These were never successful. I've only been able to do it twice, both by accident.

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Rindre: I usually go into development with a clear idea in mind with certain events and endings, but lux differs greatly from its old Yume Nikki counterpart (dream.girl). Notable major changes: Ben now wears glasses. Ben is now a writer. Stella used to not be a bunny. Stella also did not have any stars in her eyes before. The only things retained was the concept of dreaming a dream girl, and Ben's and Stella's names and facial appearance. Even if I make a bunch of plot outlines and flowcharts, things change, but it's natural! The stories that occur within lux also have changed slightly plot-wise from their earlier pre-2012 counterparts (most were written over 10 years ago!), and are begging for a facelift. One involved parkour, but sadly, there is no parkour anymore :(

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don't have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Rindre: I prefer working alone when it's my project! I like working at my own pace, but if needed, I'll reach out to other people for help. I like helping people out on their projects too, but when it comes to my own, I like to handcraft everything by myself. It shows me what I'm capable of doing, and gives my game a "this was 100% made by me" stamp.

What is the best part of developing a game? *Rindre: Making music is relaxing and lets me convey a mood or theme without having to take out my tablet to draw or write something extensively. Being able to relax yet still work on the game is great. I like nights where I can sit down and make something nice I can put in my game. A lot of them are on my SoundCloud (Rindere), but some of the really nice ones are ones I haven't uploaded there. I'm really not a musician, but I did take a class on music technology. My favorite ones going to be in lux on my SoundCloud are "Nepenthean", which is also Ben's theme, "Choke On Your Misery", and "Empyria Incarnadine". It's also really nice to get files from your voice actors and they sound EXACTLY like how you thought your character would sound like! Special thanks to Aidan, Mizu, JR, and Nuei.

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Rindre: I prefer to do my own thing! I like to push RPG Maker 2003 to the limit. A lot of the cool effects were done before the major update of RM2k3 that came out earlier last month. Some things I thought were never possible in RM2k3 are things that I made possible after some thought. Like any problem, it can be solved in a bunch of ways, even if you have limitations.

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Rindre: The character I relate to the most is actually my least favorite character. It's Ben! I specifically modeled him after myself but changed certain things, like the intensity of his reactions. It was actually difficult to write him, because I had to think about how I would react in the situations I put Ben in. I feel like I had to get into some kind of mindset that was "mine", but also "not mine" as well.

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Rindre: I feel like I could've released the game sooner, or continued work on FLUX instead. I would like to go back to working on FLUX soon, since I haven't worked on it in a long while. But after hosting the Pixel Horror Jam with Choko and jamming on this game, I'd like to rest up a bit before I take on a big project again.

Once you finish your project, do you plan to explore game's universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Rindre: Because lux is part of the -UX Series, it would naturally be a series with other entries. I don't know if or when they'll all be created, nor if they'll all be games, but I do eventually hope to see it finish. Something I want to explore is to further flesh out the stories Ben has written, especially because they were concepts written before lux ever came up as a concept. I've also given them -UX titles! I think I'll work on Crux/quX next.

What do you look most forward to upon/after release? *Rindre: I am donating proceeds to the One More Light Fund with what is being donated to the itch.io-uploaded version of lux, so I really am looking forward to donating to a cause that is important to me. I encourage people to donate to the OML Fund directly, not through me. I also really like fan reaction, but I love the catharsis of releasing something you've made. It's a mix of relief and pride, but a little bit of anxiety because you don't know how well the fan reaction will be. I hope that my game will affect somebody in a positive, personal way, whether it be a new favorite game, something for them to draw, or become inspiration for their own works. I look forward to free time and rewarding myself with something good, like chicken parmesan too!

Is there something you're afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game?  *Rindre: I constantly ask, "Is my game worthy enough for others to play? Is my game good enough?" But when it comes down to it, really you're asking it to yourself, not to the people that will play your game. Sometimes, you have to sit down and ask yourself, "Am I satisfied with what I have made so far?" Then you go down the list of things you've made and say either, "I'm proud of this!" or "This could use some more work." and you fix it accordingly. The first audience of your game is always you, so if your game is "worthy" and "good enough" to you, then it is for other people.

Question from last month's featured dev (Team Galanx): What kind of stories do you appreciate most in RPG Maker games? For example, do you like ones based off real-life experiences, fantasy elements, or morals? *Rindre: My series of games is called the -UX Series, with there being 4 main stories that are related to each other: "FLUX", "lux", "Ux.", and "X". The rest of the titles end in "-ux" as well. It was only natural to do that!

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Rindre: Game Development -Give things meaningful names. -Back up your work in three different places. -Back up your games frequently. -Never be afraid to remake things, but do this occasionally. If you do this frequently, you'll be caught up in a loop of perfectionism. -Think if the cool new thing you want to put in will actually serve a proper purpose in the game. If it's only there just to be cool, don't put it in your game. -If things don't work out, it's perfectly fine to scrap ideas. -Don't pander. Make a game you want to make, not what others want to play. Releasing your game -Reach out to people who haven't played games similar to yours. You'll have opinions that you wouldn't normally get, compared to others who are familiar with your type of game. -Learn how to take critique. This might be the skill that will take you the longest to hone. -Not everyone is out to get you, but sometimes there will be people who want to bring you down. Even if this happens, there are always people there to support you. -You don't have to agree with every critique given to you. Other advice -If you're not embarrassed about your old work, then you haven't progressed. Continue to improve your skills and yourself. -Don't compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to your past self instead. -Don't be working on your game 24/7. Take up hobbies to occupy yourself, so you don't get burned out. -Learn to be a generalist, but also learn to specialize in something that people will recognize you for. -Be proud of your work.

We mods would like to thank Rindre for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved! 

Remember to check out lux if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum 

[bubbleteajuseyo]

I Quit My Job for Ateez and I'm Moving to Korea?| Bubble Tea Talk Thursdays | Bubbleteajuseyo

안녕하세요 여러분! (*＾▽＾)／  

How are you guys?

Have you had water? Have you been resting well? Taking your vitamins? Ate something delicious? Staying warm? Smiled or Jopped yet? Did you Yeosang ponytail dance today? 

Anyways~ let's just jump straight into it.

Am I officially moving?

Well...not exactly. Not just yet. 

Did I really quit my job for Ateez?

Again...not exactly. I quit for content creation, and some (not all) of my content does involve Kpop, more specifically Ateez. 

The plan and goal is to move by Summer 2021, but attend KU's intensive language program in August 2020.

Remember My First Video?

If you guys watched my very first Youtube video, which was tragic, so if you go to watch...I'm sorry.  

*Side note: I have to say though, I've come a long way with actually learning how to use my camera, mic, and ring light. 

Anyways, if you saw that video then you probably remember my original study plan.

Well, things of course have changed since after uploading that video.  And I even made an updated video that goes with this blog post discussing everything. 

The past several months have been a complete rollercoaster and along the way I've grown to truly figure out my 'why' when it comes to what I'm doing with my life and figuring out a plan. Well.....trying to at least.

My 'Why' And Updated Plan.

Not much has changed with my original plan. But there are a few minor changes.

I'm going to be taking the CLEP Exam since I only need one math course worth 3 credits to graduate. This will help me save a lot of time and money, and I can graduate in May 2020.

My next step is saving and attending Korea University's intensive language program this summer. Especially since I discovered it will bring my bank statement of $20,000, that I have to present at admissions, down to $10,000. Which is what I will ultimately need to get my student visa approved for when I do my international transfer.

Hopefully, if everything goes well, I'll be applying to Korea University in March of 2021. Their application usually opens up around the time of my birthday. So for my birthday in 2021, I'll treat myself to applying to KU for my bachelors degree.

My plan is to major in media communications and minor in Korean language and graduate with my Bachelor's and Master's degree. And my overall goal is to obtain my F-2 Visa so I can continue to live and work in Korea, but not as just an English teacher. Instead I would love to work behind the scences in entertainment as a social media manager or still as a content creator.

With all that said, why?

Why do I want to move to Korea?

Why am I doing all of this?

The main reason why I want to move to Korea so bad is because I felt so comfortable and content. As weird as it may sound and even though my last two trips were short, I feel more comfortable in Korea than I do here in the states. And during my two (soon to be three) experiences there, I could see myself living there, starting a new life, and being happy.

Another reason is, 6 years ago when I started my Korean language journey and dove deeper into learning about Korean language and culture, I told myself that I would move to Korea. But a lot of things have been holding me back.

Which we’ll discuss what's holding me back soon.

With so many concerns and fears eating me alive, I kept truly forgetting my 'why' and losing sight of the vision and goals I created for myself. And that made me so frustrated the past several months to over a year.

And while I was slowly forgetting my 'why,' I kept changing my plans on how I was going to get to Korea and just kept pushing everything back. I was getting upset and disappointed in myself.

I was even struggling with my 'why' for being a content creator.

Why do I want to be a content creator so bad?

Why am I trying to monetize my content?

Why am I doing any of this and why do I want to?

I had to figure out the answers to those questions too. I had way too many thoughts going through my head.

Until recently, I forced myself to sit down and organize my thoughts and really get a clear vision as to why I really want to do all of this.

I've gotten inspired by people like Vanessa Lau, Jade Darmawangsa, The Bucketlist Bombshells, and Yoon Sun who all quit their 'traditional' jobs to pursue doing what they're passionate about.

I know I'm capable of so much more than just a regular full or part time job that I truly have no interest in. I want to create content and provide value to those who may feel the same way as me.

I'm also trying so hard to monetize my content in order to, not only pay my bills, but to save up finally go back/eventually move to Korea.

I even discussed this in a recent twitter thread because for so long I have been torn with making the decision to go full-time as a creator. Constantly on this rollercoaster of self doubt and really questioning if I can even do this.

But I truly feel deep down that 2020 is my year, not just for my channel, but in general. 

Which is why I've decided to take this leap of faith with focusing my energy into growing my channel and blog.  And this is why I've been pushing myself more lately and will continue to work harder than before.

This is only just the beginning.

So let's move on to what I mentioned shortly before...  

What's Holding Me Back? Concerns? Fears?

Just like I mentioned before in my video, there are things that have held me back with trying to move to Korea.

As of right now, the fear of getting rejected during the admissions process and the financial part are my biggest concerns.

And after even more research. The one thing I feel like that's going to truly hold me back is the financial part. More specifically, the bank statement that is required to prove I can survive for at least one year on my own as a student.

Which basically is, the visa is what is holding me back. Which goes hand-in-hand with the bank deposit.

Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but during admissions and applying for a visa, you basically have to provide a bank statement in this packet of documents that you create and submit. Now, visas are very complicated and complex to explain. Which, I can do a whole post/video on this if anyone is interested since I discovered some new information recently and some helpful sources.

But, this bank deposit is typically a large sum of money to display that you can survive for one year (two semesters) or half the year (one semester). As of right now, I believe I have to have a deposit of $20,000 in my bank account to get my visa approved. However, if I take a Korean language program at the university, they will make the deposit $10,000. 

Now, that could remain the same, but it could also increase within the next year. It's very unpredictable... and stressful.

But that is probably my biggest concern and the one thing I'm stressing at the moment. While also being anxious of getting rejected in general when I apply.

Truthfully, after seeing the bank deposit requirement, I almost completely gave up on everything. Saving less than $2,000 in about a year to go for a simple trip seems a little easier. However, $10-20k seems impossible, even if I waited another year or two.

I'm even stressed for saving for the language program this summer.

That's why I decided to hustle doing something I actually enjoy doing in order to attempt raising money. But I also want to do more than just raise money and give back along the way.

How I Plan To Save/Raise Money Through Content Creation:

Let me take some time to explain how I plan to save/raise money in order to make my dreams a reality.

Simply put, using mostly Ko-fi.

I feel like if I'm trying to monetize while being a content creator, Ko-fi is probably my best source. 

Until I figure out how I can do even more and exclusive monthly content on Patreon for people who are trying to support me during this process. 

Ko-fi allows you to buy creators a "cup of coffee” for $3/cup, but its not really cups of coffee. The $3 automatically goes to my paypal and will then go into my savings. 

Also, Ko-fi has this super cute feature that if you "buy a cup of coffee," you can leave a message every time (even anonymously).

Also, I like to think of Ko-fi as a way of "tipping" creators. So it's like tipping $3 or "buying my a cup of coffee" if my content bring you any sort of value, brightened your day, motivated, or moved you in away.

I've even decided that if I raise more than my savings goal, I want to donate it to charity. 

So, if I raise more than my savings goal for both the intensive language and undergraduate programs, I will donate the rest to a charity that I will be having you guys vote on. 

I have four charities in mind ( Polished Man, Shiny Foundation, Unicef, or Reborn Center ).  

I really want to give back to those who do support me along this journey in any way I can. 

So, I have also decided to do a huge giveaway.

Therefore, if I reach my savings goal for both programs, not only will I donate to charity, I will choose one lucky supporter each for both goals to receive a gift box as a massive thank you.

I'll announce more in detail what is within the giftboxes, but I want to give back more than I receive and a much as I can to those who are helping to support me in any way they can.

What If I Don't Save Enough In Time?

Now if I can't raise enough in time for both programs, what will I do then?

Well, just continue saving until I reach my goal to do so.

It's been 6 years since I started learning Korean and having this dream, and I refuse to give up.

If I have to push it back one or two more years, then so be it, but I will make it to Korea no matter what.

Even if I get accepted into Korea University, but can't attend due to not meeting the bank statement requirement, what's great is I can always re-apply again when I do have enough.

It may be a major bummer if I can't reach my goal in time, but I know that I’ll get there eventually.... I hope ㅜㅜ; 

I want to thank you all for reading this blog post. I really hope that as this journey continues, I can inspire many of you to chase after your dreams as well.

This isn't really about me, this is about how many people can I bring with me on this adventure to motivate to take the leap themselves.

Whether it be moving to another country like Korea or just doing what they love, if I can spark the passion within at least one person, then I won regardless.

Thank you so much again for reading this post and if you haven’t already, make sure you join the #BOBASquad to receive exclusive newsletters regarding my channel, blog and my journey to finally move to Korea.

And make sure to subscribe and hit that notification bell to my channel for videos that will possibly go with blogs posts like this one. 

I want to add again, if anyone wishes to donate and support this adventure I'm on, please check out my Ko-fi page! 

All earnings will be going into my savings account for future projects I have planned for my blog/channel as a full-time creator, to save and back to Korea in Summer 2020, and to save and move to Seoul by 2021.

As I embark on this journey, I want to create a community that I can provide value to, especially if they want to follow their heart and move/travel to Korea in the near future.

I really hope you all enjoyed this post and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

Until next time~

감사합니다!

나중에 봐요! 💕

[atopfourthwall]

State of the Wall: 6-2-17

You know the drill! A bunch of stuff coming up, some questions for you guys, and a few general announcements!

Schedule of Upcoming Episodes 6/5 – Babylon 5 #1 6/12 – The Star Wars #5 6/19 – PATREON: All-New Ghost Rider, volume 2 6/26 – Miller Time: Robocop vs. the Terminator #2 7/3 – Superman vs. the Terminator #2 7/10 – Tandy Computer Whiz Kids: News By Computer Foils Kidnappers 7/17 – Ultimate Power #4 7/24 – PATREON: Delicious in Dungeon, vol. 1 7/31 – Batman: Odyssey #1

As always, the schedule is subject to change for any reason I see fit, particularly if it is not funny, though the Patreon-sponsored episodes are a pretty safe bet (although Delicious in Dungeon may only be a chapter or two depending on length).

Storyline 90% of the remainder of the storyline is written, it just comes down to filming it. I’m trying my damndest to get this all together and barring real-life emergencies or unavailability of actors, I should be able to start pumping out more storyline stuff over the next several episodes, hopefully concluding ASAP. There are about 10-11 more storyline segments if I counted correctly (some of which will be both beginning and end of episodes) and getting them done is my highest priority aside from just making videos.

Player Changeover Progress As you may have noticed, there are currently A LOT of videos still down. The problem is really just that I have to collect the embed codes for those videos… and there are over 1,000. The good news is that most everything has youtube links, so there IS still a place to view them. The first 300 or so Atop the Fourth Wall episodes have been updated and while progress is slow, it IS happening. However, there’s a new snag there.

I replaced the History of Power Rangers embeds… and they are now not viewable. About twenty of the videos have been taken down from Vid.me by DMCA takedown notices. These are a real thing and different from a youtube copyright strike. The good news is that, from all accounts, Vid.me is MUCH better about talking to content producers about resolving these things, so I will work on getting them back… but I promise nothing – they may be unwilling to restore the videos that were taken down and frankly I’m not exactly enthusiastic about utilizing MULTIPLE video hosts on the site JUST to accommodate History of Power Rangers… and any other platform that hosts them may just have the same issue. I haven’t had a chance to try contacting them yet – just been too busy with other projects, mainly finishing the DVD and Event Comics Month, but I will be doing so and I’ll try to update you all when new information becomes available.

I might need to simply go with the youtube versions for the videos simply because the old videos don’t hold up to scrutiny for players. I’d LIKE to keep the old versions up for posterity’s sake, but the simple fact is that if they’re just going to keep getting taken down off of other platforms, there’s no point it continuing to try to save them, especially when the youtube versions have (for the most part) worked fine.

Longbox of the Damned I regret to announce that there will be no Midsummer’s Nightmare this year for Longbox of the Damned. I considered all my options, but simply put the kind of work I WANT to do with it would occupy a great deal of my time and distract me from getting other work completed, most especially the storyline. October will indeed still have regular Longbox videos, but this year we have to cancel the additional summer theme ones. My apologies to anyone who was looking forward to it – I hope to be in a better place to do it again next year. I’m also planning on having another bumper contest for this year’s Longboxes, so feel free to start thinking up ideas for that early!

History of Power Rangers It’s probably going to be a while before I get to the In Space youtube videos, mostly because of other the other projects. And of course you won’t be seeing a Ninja Steel video until that’s all done and released on video. That being said, Dino Charge’s views are… pretty low right now, which I ascribe to the fact that it, much like the Samurai and Megaforce videos, are Unlisted on youtube. A lot of my audience has shifted to mostly youtube-based stuff and because the videos are unlisted, they don’t get viewed as often.

I’m going to ask for you guys’ opinions here. The reason they’re unlisted is because I want stuff to be released in order, just as much to avoid people constantly asking “why is THIS being released and not In Space/whatever other season is next?!” However, as I continue to build more of an audience and get more revenue, there is something to be said about just having the videos out there anyway. So here’s the question: should I just make them all public anyway, even though we’ve still got a dozen series to be revamped for youtube?

Let’s Play Pokémon Omicron The next Pokémon Omicron stream will be Monday, July 17th at 7 PM Central time! We’re nearing the end and while the sessions will probably start consisting more of grinding than anything else, we might have something special in store for when we get to the Elite 4 – which I’m considering the end of the Let’s Play simply because of how long it’s gone on. I’ll try to get back to work releasing more episodes ASAP, since I’ve certainly got plenty of footage now to work with.

DVD Volume 3 Released! In case you somehow missed the announcement, Atop the Fourth Wall vol. 3: Character Reboot is now available for sale! As a reminder, volumes 1 and 2 have now gone down in price!

You can buy the DVDs via credit card HERE!

You can buy the DVDs via Paypal HERE!

Release Date/Time Change? So Event Comics Month finally concluded… aaaand the videos were late. All but Secret Wars came out late… but only just, because Secret Wars finished up a minute before 10 AM Central time on Monday, which has been the official release time for new episodes for the last several years. To be perfectly honest, I’ve been slipping when it comes to getting stuff finished ahead of time. I don’t know if I’m being lazier, if it’s a matter of taking on too many projects and thus continually rushing to finish stuff later, or simply that Atop the Fourth Wall ITSELF is growing larger and larger, with more and more episodes getting longer and thus TAKING longer to finish.

While of course I know my fans are very patient with me in releasing episodes, I take great pride in getting episodes out on time and I want to see that happen again. As such, I’d like to open the floor to the possibility of changing the release day and time. Why would this affect thing? Well, sometimes stuff in my personal life is what prevents me from getting stuff out on time – I have to go somewhere, meet with people, etc. And the fact is that a lot of the time this happens on the weekend, when that’s also supposed to be crunch time trying to get the video done with. As such, shifting the release date to later in the week might help. On that same note, changing the time of release. Originally, the videos were released at 4 PM on Mondays. That changed a short time later because ThatGuyWithTheGlasses needed their videos scheduled by 10 AM to be up that day on their site. That’s still the case, but I could simply have it released there the next day instead of on the same day it’s uploaded.

The original logic of Monday at 4 PM was that Monday was the most stressful time of the week, since it’s the beginning of the work/school week, so releasing something around the time people generally got home from those made sense to give something to people to de-stress with. Do you guys prefer things the way they are, with occasionally lapsing release times, or would you prefer another day of the week and time for videos to be released?

Conventions Sadly, Wausaubicon has been cancelled, so I will not be making an appearance there.

Anime Midwest – I’ll of course be at Anime Midwest again at the Hyatt Regency O’Hare in Rosemont, Illinois on July 7-9!

Conbravo – I will of course be attending ConBravo again in Hamilton, Ontario on July 28-30! Doug Walker will also be there and a slew of other people!

Geek.Kon – I’ll be going to Geek.Kon in Madison, Wisconsin for the first time on August 25-27! Other guests include Brad Swaile, Jeff Nimoy, and Robert Axelrod!

That’s it for this time! Tell me what you think of all this in the comments and I hope you enjoy the next two months!

[noiseartists]

Orange Crate Art: Psychedelia and melodic noise from Sweden

Orange Crate Art is the musical project of Toby, from Malmö, Sweden. he has produced some quality ‘Hallucinatory music since 1995’.

He just released his new LP, Astral Lullabies on the Threshold, which he was very kind to us the Premiere. Thanks Toby.

And he was even kinder in giving us a glance in his music and himself in the following interview.

His music work to date is as follows:

2019: Astral Lullabies on the Threshold, LP;  Song for Celluloid Babylon: The Visionary Photographs of William Mortensen in the Silent Film Era (Original Soundtrack), Single

2018: Microscopic Liquid Subway to Oblivion , LP; Inside Out: The Art of Susan Te Kahurangi King (Original Soundtrack), LP;

2017: Quantum Distortion in Empty Space, LP; The Exegesis of Matt Marello (Original Soundtrack), LP; Circular Rays of Infinity Cells, EP

2016: Extraordinary Gradations of Mauve, LP;  In a Sea of Crystal Radiance, EP; The Tibetan Year of the Dead, EP

2015: oca EP, 2015; ehs EP #1; Italian futurism, LP; ehs EP #2; ehs EP #3; ehs EP #4; Exploding head syndrome, LP

What is your music about?

Nothing in particular. It's more a state of... being in between states. Like hypnagogia. Trance-like and somewhere else, but with a physical presence. Even though the songs might have choruses and verses and vocals etc. Not comparing OCA to painters like Heron or Rothko, but.

I see quite a similarity between what I do and abstract impressionism, or painters like the above. What I put into the music is usually very to the point but the actual output, the expression, tends to come out as kind of blurry, see-through, or geometrical shapes in layers with blurred outlines. So what's it all about, when you sort it out... Alfie?

Once something is released, I have no say, but hopefully, the music can draw the listeners into a rewarding musical experience that they can define for themselves.

What are your goals as an artist artistically/commercially?

I don't really have any commercial goals. It's not a career. It's not an intentional anti-approach, I just don't think like that. I would love if the income from OCA could pay the rent and food, but I don't see it coming. Once something is recorded, I'm already working on the next thing. It's always about the next record. I'm making soundtracks for my friend and director Brian Chidester in New York, and ultimately, I'd like to make a living out of making music for film and television, but... I don't dream about it.

Since everything I do is DIY and on a small budget, I have gone the digital release route, but the plan is still to release/reissue everything on vinyl. These days, I'm more open to releasing music on other labels. I'm going to give Somewhere Cold something, for example, and that will probably come out on CD too.

I have a huge backlog of unreleased albums and EP dating back to 1995s. Most of these recordings will come out one day, so one of the rules I try to follow is to finish old stuff before recording new material. On the other hand, I really love the immediacy of recording something today and releasing it tomorrow. The "OCA" and "Tibetan Year of the Dead" EPs were recorded and released within the space of a few weeks.

The album I'm finishing right now is fairly new, recorded right after the Matt Marello documentary soundtrack in August/September 2017. The idea was to make a more song-based version of the soundtrack. It evolved into a gentle folk-psych collection of songs. Mantras and cosmic lullabies. The vocals are always record last, and I didn't get around to record them until February/March this year. I'd say the record is a bit more accessible . Less noise, more focused.

Who would you want as a dream producer, and why?

I have never thought of anybody else producing my music, so not really sure. It'd would have been interesting to have worked with Gary Usher around the time of his first Sagitarrius album and The Byrds' "Notorious..." album. His productions are so experimental and crisp sounding.

On a similar but different sounding note, Curt Boettcher. He'd put his usual Ballroom cast of vocalists on my tracks, which would've been lovely. Have you heard the Bobby Jameson record Curt produced in 1967? Those background harmonies by him, Michelle O'Malley and others..! And his work with tape delay, reverse reverb, Chamberlin, oboe and tremolo guitar on a lot of his backing tracks... he's a huge influence on OCA. I have a song called "In the Direction of the Non-Believer" which is sonically sort of a mix of a 1997-era Kevin Shields-remix and the album Curt did with Tommy Roe. A bit of Arthur Lee in the middle-eight but the rest of the music was kind of like that Tommy Roe album, with Boettcher-ish backwards tambourine and more.

As for current producers, it'd be interesting to see what somebody like Tim Hecker would do with an OCA record. It would end up radically different to everything I've done so far.

But generally, I will more than likely continue to produce my own stuff, but in the future, I'll probably hand the mastering over to a professional mastering engineer. And I'm always open to collaborations with other artists or musicians.

What are you trying to avoid as a band?

I don't think I'm trying to avoid anything. I just do it, like Nike footwear. I might not have their swoosh, though. Generally, I think it's better to try something than to avoid it.

Explain your songwriting process.

It used to be fairly traditional. Writing songs on the guitar and, later, the keyboard. These days, the process is more like people in electronica and film scoring: the writing and recording process is the same. One method I use a lot is to just press record and begin writing the song as it is being recorded. That's one reason why many of my songs change key so often... the songs just take off in their own directions.

I tend to mix a song right from the start, for every track I add, so it's continually molded into the final product. I usually mix into the two-bus, ie. I let EQ, compression, tape saturation etc colour the recording from the get go, rather than adding everything to the final mix. That essentially comes from the dance or electronic music world. Traditional rock engineers would probably disapprove. Again, it's maybe a bit like painting. I work really fast. Apart from the vocals, 90% of any released record is what was recorded in the first hour or two.

Why do you make the music you make? Is it in you? Is it your environment?

I have no idea why I make it. I just do it, and have done since I was a kid. It's an inner experience, but we're all connected to the cosmos.

Describe your palette of sound.

This is like the moment when John Lennon wanted a track to sound like an orange and George Martin was like "ok... I'll try to make it sound like an orange" :-) My bandmates would probably agree that I'm not that good at explaining what I want. I can be very precise for myself, but that's just the input into the music. Explaining the output to others is very hard, because everybody has their own idea of what X or Y is. Essentially, like any other artist, it's not my job to define what I do. It's up to the listener.

But from a more technical point of view, or in terms of arrangements, I have an anything goes attitude. I'll use whatever I have around me. Generally speaking, I do tend to come back to the same sets of arrangements. Usually one or two guitar, two bass guitars (one fuzz, one clean), organ and drums. I usually go for Vox or Fender Tweed amp tones, maybe a Mellotron, maybe a tack piano, sometimes brass, a lot of flute actually... for the soundtracks, it all depends on what the director wants and I try to translate it into music.

The guitars I use the most: a J Mascis Jazzmaster, a Squire Jaguar with Curtis Novak vintage pickups, one of those really cheap Danelectro guitars and a Danelectro electric 12-string guitar. I also have different acoustic guitars, and about one hundred effect pedals. Mostly fuzz and overdrive, but also several envelope filters, delays, tremolos, etc. I used to collect Devi Ever pedals and I use them a lot. Lately, I've come back to Boss pedals. Their overdrive pedals are so warm and musical.

If you could guest on someone else’s album , who would it be and why? What would you play?

I would probably play the guitar, my J Mascis Jazzmaster, which sounds three times as good as it costs. Can't actually think of a specific artist, sorry... maybe one of the newer London free jazz groups, or somebody who makes pure abstract or electronic music. Tim Hecker, hello? :-) What musical skills would you like to acquire or get better at?

Playing in time :-)

Which other musician/artist would you date?

Yoko Ono.

Is there a band that if they didn’t exist you wouldn’t be making the music you make?

Sure. OCA would sound radically different without My Bloody Valentine, Stereolab, High Llamas, Mouse on Mars, and many others.

You’re from Sweden, what are the advantages and disavantages?

Of the country? Politically, I'm Old Labour, so I'm completely lost in today's landscape with morons on all sides of the political spectrum. The new left might have good intentions but the road leads directly to neo-liberalism. I guess living in this country has influenced me to check out of current times, musically. Being painfully aware of reality and choosing the inner, cosmic musical experience.

Musically, we've always been more international than local, attracting pockets of listeners all around the world. I love looking at the streaming statistics and see people from South America, Asia, the States, mainland Europe... it's like the Stereolab scene in the late '90s. Always international, with bands like Mouse on Mars in Germany, Tortoise in the States, Cornelius in Japan, and so on. I don't really see any particular advantages living here, as an artist. Being a 20 minute train ride away from Copenhagen makes a huge difference, though.

Find Orange Crate Art here

Bandcamp

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Soundcloud

[happydarkthoughts]

A Skeptical Believer Rates Magic

If you know me at all you must know that I’m somewhat weird or just a product of my generation and Urban Outfitters marketing and so I do believe in magic. My overall theory on magic or I guess I should say magick with a “k” (like doing spells and shit) was that it doesn’t matter whether it’s “real” or not, that what it most likely does is creates an action and ritual that sends a message to your subconscious mind, kind of like a mantra, and that the repetition and devotion of time and materials to whatever it is helps you to create it in your own world because it reinforces something in you.  Recently the resurgence of psychic mediums (see “Psychic Seatbelt” on Lifetime) has gotten me questioning all of it. I go through this phase every so often in my life, where I question everything. I think the questioning is important. I belong to some “magic” or “witch” communities (mostly online, but somewhat in person too) and the thing I find very frustrating about those groups is that none of them seem to want to question it at all - but then when I’m asking for examples of their experience or how it works for them they just get really defensive. I dunno, as I’ve written about re: Esalen I’m super wary of cults or of not shaking things up and recalibrating every so often. I have always loved this TED Talk about the interconnectedness of faith and doubt. I think that sums it up for me. 

So anyway that said, I’m a little annoyed with all the woo woo shit right now (even though a part of me does love it and “practice” it) so I’m going to go ahead and rank it all on a scale of 1 (being total bullshit) to 10 (meaning it’s legit) so that I know at least where I stand personally as of August 2018:

ASTROLOGY (9/10) I love astrology, it’s one of my faves. At a party some dude got all annoyed with us for talking about it and said it was bullshit and I said, “saying it’s bullshit is bullshit. That’s like saying poetry is bullshit. The point isn’t necessarily for it to be “accurate” -- if you read certain astrologers it’s more like they’re offering a weekly sermon that’s just based on astrology charts. It’s one of those things that really depends on the astrologer, first of all, and how you use it in your life and it’s not about it being ‘real’ it’s about the emotional value you get from thinking about your life in that paradigm.” Yeah, I still stand by that. I think it’s why astrology has never let me down and why I’ve questioned it the least out of everything. Most of the astrologers I read never try to predict the future anyway -- it’s always very much more about what’s going on in the present moment and what you are navigating, how to cope, what your soul lessons are, etc. I read all the ‘scopes at this point because as you might know if you follow my tumblr some weeks I feel more like a Taurus than a Cancer and maybe that’s because my Jupiter is in Taurus lol. Anyway, I think there’s something to it - it’s not so radical to me that the movements of the actual Universe would reflect something in our universe, and beyond that most astrologers have to do a lot of actual study to be any good and the practice is ancient too so it feels less bullshitty to me. It’s like the right brain’s version of astronomy. 

TAROT (6/10) 

Maybe a 6/10 is too generous, or not generous enough. I could go on a super long tarot rant but I’ll try to keep it succinct.  I feel very strongly that you should be very careful who you do a tarot reading with. I have definitely encountered more scam artists this way than not. The thing is most people don’t know what the cards mean and so it’s easy for them to not go into depth on anything and just make up shit people want to hear. I believe some readers are good and genuine, but I think they are generally not working out of a psychic store, you can probably follow them online, and hopefully they don’t charge insane amounts.  ALSO I think in my understanding for tarot to really work it should be a conversation with the client about what’s going on in their life. I think we all go into a reading expecting the reader to be psychic and it’s more like a parlor game where we want someone to know some magical specific facts about us to prove it’s “real.” I think it’s mostly not real though. I think that the value of tarot, in my experience, is that the cards do have a lot of imagery and meaning and so you can use that to spark ideas, make connections that you were struggling with, or bring to the surface something you knew but didn’t know you knew. That’s when it’s been most effective for me and when it’s felt like it’s “worked.” And a good tarot reader is just like a good therapist - they help you ask questions and come to understandings but you do the work with them and they (and in this case the cards) are a catalyst to get to those conclusions.  Tarot to me is a word association tool. “Eight of Cups” means “moving on from a situation” and I asked about my friendship with so and so and I’m feeling like we’re growing apart and so this just confirms to me that might be the case and to feel okay and peaceful with it -- and I know some people think you shouldn’t read for yourself but I feel like you maybe should only read for yourself (unless you find someone who really knows the cards and isn’t trying to pull a fast one on you) and also take it with a huge grain of salt.  I’ve been using my tarot cards while writing lately. It serves the same purpose. It helps me reconnect with the ideas I already had but had forgotten, and then sometimes I pull cards that don’t resonate with me at all for my project so I just throw them back in the deck.  In summary: I don’t think tarot is totally magical or mystical or provides divine messages, but I don’t think that means it’s useless either. 

YOGA (10/10) Much less to say on yoga because it’s more straightforward. It’s great exercise, I love flowing, some teachers are better and resonate with me more than others and provide a work out that I like more for my body. It helps me connect with my breath and work muscles I wouldn’t otherwise. There’s a spiritual component sure and I do believe that the body carries emotion and so moving your body helps you work through emotion (ie. you feel less depressed when you work out more than when you’re sedentary all the time). So yeah. Yoga is great.  MEDITATION (10/10)  I use headspace and I don’t always meditate 20 minutes a day. Lately I’ve been a little lazy about sitting and breathing (which is ironic because sitting and breathing is seemingly doing “nothing”) but it’s really helped me to become more mindful of everything and I feel significantly more peaceful than I did a year ago. At the beginning of July I remember thinking, “wow I can’t believe how much better I feel than I did a year ago and it’s like nothing outside of me has changed, and the only thing that has changed is myself and so maybe it’s good nothing externally has changed yet because it’s helped me to see how far I’ve come internally.”  Meditation is all about training the mind, knowing yourself, creating space for your emotions, acceptance and self-acceptance, finding peace and calm, not trying to change anything, learning how to just “be,” etc. I find that the practice can be totally secular and there is science behind it too. Meditation is very slow to work and to see “results” and you are technically asked to do it without seeing any results because results are not the point because meditation is essentially not about achievement, but it has really helped me more than anything else. I’ve quit smoking weed for the most part and am really cutting down on alcohol too. I don’t think I could have been able to do those things without meditation. I am also 90% vegetarian now. I dunno. I love meditation. It’s subtle, a life-long practice, has practical results and applications. Plus, a totally personal journey and so you can’t be scammed so much.  PSYCHIC MEDIUMS (0/10)

Psychic mediums are totally bullshit and also gross because they’re exploiting grieving families. If you asked me if I believe in an “after life” I’d say “I don’t know” because that’s honest. I’ve been a little obsessed with near death experiences at various points in my life and I’ve read everything from people who had these weird mystical LSD-type experiences and people who were just unconscious and it was nothing.  I oscillate on what feels true to me on this, but I think regardless of whether there is something or not I feel very strongly that no human has access to “the other side” on demand for “readings.” I’ve had dreams about loved ones who have passed. I’ve heard stories about people where loved ones had passed and they heard a warning from them that helped them save their life. It is not beyond me to think that maybe there is a possibility we can connect sometimes with some other dimension of life.  Even my grandma once told me when she was younger she saw a ghost-type presence of a boy who had passed down the street from some weird disease when he was young (I think, or car accident, dunno, he was young and dead) and he said, “there’s nothing to worry about, this is just the next step” to her.  But then if you ask my grandma now she mostly thinks it’s nothing or more like whatever “energy” you have that is your soul just goes back into all of it and you cease to have a unique identity or presence, which also feels logically and practically right to me.  Well, whatever, we don’t know, but I do feel uberly certain that no one has 24/7 access to other people’s dead relatives. If someone tells me they had a personal experience, I’d be more inclined to believe them. And even those people aren’t going to be able to “call” on it whenever they want and especially not charge lots of money. So yeah I guess I’m just a little angry about it for some reason, haha. It’s the ultimate scam and also not how this all works if it does work.  DREAMS (8/10) I like dreams and think there is value in recording them down. I rarely know what mine are telling me. I don’t have psychic dreams which I think is really good. My friend used to have psychic dreams, but it freaked him out so he asked for it to be “turned off” and then he stopped having them. I wish I could lucid dream sometimes. I have books on lucid dreaming. But... I haven’t really been able to figure that out and my brain is already tired so maybe being consciously aware while I’m sleeping subconsciously isn’t what I want, haha. I think all the things that are personal experiences I’m cool with... I think I’m running into issues with the areas where nothing can be proven and people can be exploited. Hard to exploit your own dreams. They are what they are and they happen for you however they happen for you and maybe eventually we learn what they mean to us too.  SHAMANIC JOURNEYING (?/10)

I don’t know a ton about this. Shamanic journeying is also a very different practice depending on what culture you’re talking about... shamanic journeying could mean taking ayahuasca or it could just mean banging some drums and imagining shit in your mind.  I’m interested in learning more about it, but it’s also a weird area because it is something that some people feel is being exploited by white people -- and there have been similar concerns about yoga. I wonder about that myself because I don’t want to culturally appropriate someone’s spiritual practice but also I am on my weird, constant spiritual quest and kind of looking for what feels true and what works for me so I’m open to it all.  I’ve heard really interesting stories about people who practice shamanic journeying. I would never do any version of it that involves drugs. But I think I understand it to be “conscious dreaming” or like a more active, involved form of meditation. Shamanism also usually involves animal totems and I am all about animals and their symbolism so generally I’m into this idea but haven’t practiced it or delved deep.  PALM READINGS (5/10)

I know less about this too, but one time my uncle apparently saw a palm reader and they said “you’re going to get divorced and re-married and have two girls” and then that happened!!! Coincidence, perhaps.  This definitely seems like an area where you are susceptible to being scammed, but I would still be interested in finding someone who could legit read palms and had studied the lines and could at least tell me what mine said. I’ve looked at palm reading books before but I just have a hard time telling which line is which or what it’s saying.  I guess the jury is out on this one but I think my rule is like, “don’t give anyone money until they’ve proven themselves to have some legit background of study in this area.”

SPELLS (5/10) See above. I don’t necessarily think they “work” I think they just help you connect to an idea and intention in your own subconscious that gives you a stronger likelihood of making it happen for yourself.  CRYSTALS (6/10)

I just listened to the Spiritual Gayz podcast on crystals and it was really helpful and I felt like I learned a lot more about them. I think in general my own take is the same way I feel about “spells” in general. That working with them is more about working with your own mind and intentions and the crystal is an object that carries that meaning and is a reminder to you.  Also in the spiritual gayz podcast they were talking about how crystals generally have their meaning but that sometimes it’s more about using your intuition... like someone used a citrine to heal their back but it’s not known for healing.  I think in my personal experience I mostly don’t believe in them a whole bunch, but they are super pretty and so for some reason I own a ton of them. I meditate with them sometimes and it doesn’t feel any different than when I don’t.  This is what I tried to ask my online witch community about haha! Do I not experience anything because I’m a novice at this shit or because it’s less about the actual magic of any of this stuff but more about how it helps you connect with your subconscious so you can go deeper into yourself and heal yourself? I feel like their silence and lack of clarity is sort of my answer.  I lean towards this is a little bit BS but they are super pretty and I am still open to being proven wrong and learning more about them. 

REIKI (3/10)

Well, I don’t know. I think I lean towards thinking it’s total bullshit but I give reiki three points because there are three points that I think are worth considering: 1) I’ve definitely heard stories of people who took reiki classes or got reiki attunements where they had some weird spiritual crisis / energy shit happening personally and so it seems like it does something.  2) I have heard stories about people who had reiki after a car accident and the doctor told them they did six months of healing in one month and had no idea how. 3) I got a “womb healing” once haha, which is a form of reiki specifically for your womb which is like I guess a creative energy center. I was in an abusive relationship at the time so I think I felt like I wanted something to work for me to help me navigate that. I don’t know that I felt like it worked or not to be honest, but the reiki woman did tell me “you come from a line of very strong women” and that is super true and was like what I got out of that experience. She also gave me some rituals to do that I did do .... and I mean I have come such a long way since that time, and I think all of this esoteric weird “spell” shit has helped me in that process, but again I think the results of this work have been more about my persistence and desire for the psychological change rather than something outside of me creating it.  IRISH TEA LEAF LADY (7/10) I go to my Irish Tea Leaf Lady on the 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica once a year since 2011. She has been super right about some things and then not right about others... which for a supposedly psychic reading is sort of low returns maybe, but the stuff she’s been right about has been so weird and uncanny and sometimes specific too that I keep going back. I also love that she doesn’t charge like $40, she’s entirely donation based so you could just give her $5. I think giving her $5 would be a little shitty because even on a purely entertainment value basis she’s worth more than that. But still she sits with me better because I never feel like she’s scamming me. I feel like she reads tea leaves because she’s a weirdo who loves it and it’s not about the money for her. I’m so sensitive about scams, obviously.  I think she’s most off in her timing. Her predictions have happened for me but not always when she said they would. She finds the timing based on where the leaves are in the cup so maybe that’s not her specialty. A lot of what she does is reading symbols so lately I try to focus more on the symbols she’s giving me too rather than trying to get her to predict the future per se -- like what symbols to look out for in my own life.  Anyway she’s the only psychic I return to on a regular basis and I’d say she’s about 60% accurate but for psychic shit I think that’s really good and again I always have a good time with her and it’s a fun yearly thing to do in January.

PRAYER (9/10)

I dunno, to be honest. Someone said prayer is like talking to God and meditation is like listening to God. I pray sometimes, although usually it’s just me rambling out loud to myself in my car and pretending I’m talking to someone else. For me it’s just helpful to work through some things sometimes, kind of like an invisible therapist. Sometimes I ask for “signs” and I feel like I get them and something feels like it clicks and I’m like, “oh okay I get it.”  There might be “no God” and I have my thoughts on “God” anyway. I think prayer is a really nice, harmless activity no matter what way you slice it or no matter what is real or not real. I think generally one prays for guidance or for something positive and so I think “putting it out there” isn’t bad, even if it’s only you talking to yourself ultimately it’s still better to have some kind of relationship with yourself, in my mind, where you’re communicating and trying to work things out (rather than being quiet and keeping it to yourself all the time).  In my experience there have been some returns on my prayers, but also sometimes my prayers end up being like existential where I’m like, “sometimes I don’t know if you exist. I hope you do, but sometimes I feel like it’s all bullshit and then I feel a little depressed. But I guess if everything some really strange cosmic accident it doesn’t matter in terms of how I need to live my life. Anyway I’m just feeling a little lost so dunno just thought I’d check in with you to see if you exist today” type of thing.  I’m mostly agnostic, I guess, oscillating between being totally convinced of there being more to this world and other times being totally convinced there’s nothing... and I guess with all of it I find prayer to be one of the least harmful things you can do and the most optimistic whether you’re in an atheist mood or not.  SYNCHRONICITY (9/10) I love synchronicity. Sometimes I experience so much of it at once I feel like the world is on spiritual fire and that even though I’m sober I might as well be on psychedelic drugs (which I have never taken beyond weed).  Sometimes the random coincidences feel so over-the-top to me that it feels undeniable. I couldn’t have made it up and it’s not just me “looking” for connections. I love when that happens. It just makes me feel... calm and connected. It’s like some reassurance that there is connectedness and meaning and that there’s some kind of path that’s adding up over time...  And sometimes I go on for so long without any of it that I start to doubt my prior experiences and wonder if they were all bullshit... but usually something happens again to make me feel like, there has to be more to this world than what we can see or know.  So I love synchronicity because it feels like tangible external evidence of a deeper feeling and it’s never something I’m forcing or creating on my own. I don’t always know what it means right away, but sometimes something catches my eye and I just know it’s more than I can explain and later on it might make more sense to me to. I feel like Twin Peaks is sort of a representation of this to me. 😬 IN CONCLUSION:

Experiences and practices that are personal and are not about someone else interpreting or translating to you are good and worth pursuing.  Most magic practices probably lean towards being bullshit but it doesn’t mean they can’t have or add value in your life.  Try not to spend too much money on figuring out the future unless it’s fun and you have reason to trust your reader.  There is probably more to the world than we know, and I think a lot of it has to do with the subconscious mind, but I lean towards feeling like any “real” magic in the world is a very personal experience and cannot be conjured by someone else.  Sort of like we’re an antennae and psychic phenomenon is a radio station. We can’t control the radio station or what it’s putting out or when it wants to broadcast shit, but we can just be receptive and open. But also no one is a super antennae -- I don’t believe anyone has constant access to the radio station and therefore has the right to charge $400 an hour to listen to what the radio station is saying. Or if they do then they’re working for the FBI right now and we don’t know about them publicly and they are definitely not using those gifts to scam grieving people. But most likely not. 

And if someone in a tarot reading says “they’re giving me a message that... blah blah blah” I think that’s a red flag and an indication that they’re putting on a show for you. If they’re just reading the cards and going in depth on their meaning I think that’s more something I’d personally trust more.  I’m skeptical of anyone who isn’t a little bit skeptical. I think this can be like a placebo effect. I believe so much that I create the meaning and the connections and then I start seeing more reason to believe it’s all real.  I’m also skeptical of people who are totally doubtful too. Anyone who is convinced this is all bullshit feels like bullshit to me. That’s a certain kind of dogma and close-mindedness I can’t abide by because that feels as wrong to me as diving off the deep end.  The place I’m at now is wading in the uncertainty and being open but also not fully accepting it all either yet until I get more evidence that it’s worth proceeding further.  I’m interested in finding out what reality is and how consciousness works and what humans are capable of and at the moment I can only try things out and measure against my own experiences and anecdotal evidence. So this is where I’m at with it all.