#But the whole event is like 6 minutes long and I've had enough with trying to record things perfectly

[takadanobaba]

Yet another progress video on the submas Stardew Valley mod I’ve been working on with the help of the wonderful @xdoctorsparklex ! (She wrote the script and I coded it in! Thank you so much!!)

This would be their introduction event! Along with their own individual heart events, we’ll also have a main plot featuring the twins revitalizing the abandoned train station and more! ^^

EDIT: The second introduction event has been posted here!

[yourlocalmerchgirl]

The War Within - Part One

Briefly Joel x Neurodivergant Reader Then Tommy x Neurodivergant wife reader

Summary: You've only been with Joel for 6 months when the outbreak happens, flipping your entire life into a hell scape. Feeling backed into a corner and completely suffocated by life you decide to join the Fireflies with Tommy after a heartbreaking event to search for a better life and the two of you end up in Jackson

A twist of fate happens and you and Tommy Fall in love and get married when Joel and Ellie turn up in Jackson one day and you have to face him all these years later

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, Angst- Lots of it, Verbal fighting- lots of it , course language, emotional, some fluff and happiness, talks of anxiety, depression, Panic attacks, Neurodivergant reader. No use of y/n. Reader goes by the nickname Birdie. Use of typical pet name.

A/N: I hope you all love this new multi part journey I've been working on, I'm extremely proud of this story. I understand that this storyline/ themes aren't for everyone. Part Two will be out shortly.

More often then not you felt like you were outside of your body, floating above it.

Being a spectator to your own life, watching as your dissociative cocoon wrapped itself around you taking hold.

You found yourself in this position for days or weeks at a time. It was your body’s way of protecting itself after years of constantly being in fight or flight mode.

You looked on as you desperately tried to hold on to what little you had left, to your life with Joel. But it was like trying to hold on to a wet rope in the middle of a tsunami. Slowly losing your grip you began to drown, fighting desperately to stay above water. The more you tried to kick to the surface, the more tired you became and the more tired you became the less you fought to stay afloat.

Time dragged on, the air had a thickness to it you’d not yet felt. Everything sounded slow and muffled as you tried to make sense of why and how long you two had been fighting for.

“Are you even listening to me?” Joel pressed, getting more aggravated by the minute.

He got nothing as you blankly stared back him, eyes glazed over.

“Unbelievable…. I should be looking after Sarah, not looking after you”

Joel’s words snapped you back to reality. the fog that incased you not thick enough to protect you from the verbal blow as it struck you, deep and abrupt.

Your whole body burned, the tears started falling so quickly that you had no hope of stoping them even if you tried. The two of you often hastily said things to each other in the heat of the moment when you both reached the point of overstimulation. Things that neither of you meant. But this, this felt different. You knew the tone of Joel’s voice well, always able to understand his meaning by the tone of his voice. His tone was razor sharp, with an anger behind it that he had never used with you before.

“This is why we can’t talk things out like this, why nothing gets resolved. Because you cry every-time we have a argument”

“Are you fucking kidding me Joel?” You shout. Completely losing all ability to keep it in.

“Im sorry I care, that I’m emotional. Trust me I would much rather feel nothing 24/7 than to feel everything as if it’s a electrical currant passing through me, but I can’t. No matter how fucking hard I try I’m always going up be sensitive and emotional.”

“The state of the world doesn’t exactly lend its self to being emotional, one wrong move when your heads not focused could cost someone there life. You- you get stuck in these episodes and it’s like your not in your body anymore, I can’t keep keepin an eye on us both. You’re gonna get us killed one of these days.”

It hurts like hell, but it’s the truth and deep down you know it. But it doesn’t make you any less hurt and angry because it’s the truth either.

“I’m sorry Joel. I’m sorry that I should of died instead of Sarah, I’m sorry that no matter what I do I’ll never be enough for you.”

Your admission stuns Joel, your words cutting him like a straight blade razor. You’d never said anything like that about yourself, atleast not out loud you hadn’t.

“I can’t fucking talk to you when we’re like this. I’m going out” Joel exclaims while grabbing his coat.

“Wait, it’s almost curfew, where are you going?” You ask, everything but concern draining from your body.

“I don’t know? I’m just fucking going out, don’t wait up for me” Joel says as he slams the door

“I love you” you shout after him, but if falls on deaf ears.

You cried in silence, thinking about what had lead you to this point. You and Joel never had the chance to truly be happy. Your relationship was so new when the outbreak happened that it was doomed from the start. You two never had the chance to fully open up to each other

It wasn’t all his fault either, Joel was hardened by the cruel bitch that was the universe when it took the one thing he loved more than life itself. You also knew you weren’t easy to deal with, never getting the opportunity to talk to Joel about your anxiety and depression that stemmed from it. About how to spot if you were getting overstimulated and anxious and how to help talk you down from it. Or about how much you relied on a schedule and a routine to navigate life and how much progress you’d made with it all in therapy. Instead you were both thrust into a situation you didn’t have the tools to deal with and thus your relationship suffered at the hands of it.

The further past curfew it got the more you worried about Joel. It terrified you to think about the situations that would unfold if he was caught by Fedra. Dressing in all dark clothing you decided to go out searching for Joel.

Lurking in the shadows for hours you search for Joel, checking every inch of the qz and the seedy areas people hangout after curfew with no luck. The sun will start coming up soon, so you head back to the apartment hoping Joel managed to stumble back there unscathed.

You hear some commotion inside as you reach your apartment door. Slowly opening the door you feel like the wind got knocked out of you when you see Joel burred deep inside Tess, telling her how much he loved her. You stumble backwards as you try to catch your breath, refusing to believe you’re actually seeing this. But the scene before you never changes and your forced to realize this is unfolding in front of your eyes. Silently scrambling you grab your emergency go bag by the door and shut it behind you.

Your mind is racing as you slid down the wall and slump over. Gasping for breath you try desperately to comprehend what you saw, trying think quickly about what to do.

——————————————————————

Tommy springs awake at the sound of frantic knocking on the door. Creeping up slowly to the door, pistol in his hand.

“Who is it?”

“I-it’s me…it’s Birdie” your voice meek and distraught, tone barely above a whisper.

Tommy quickly unlocks the door to find you on the other side, eyes bloodshot and and desperate. Your body langue is defeated as Tommy notices your backpack.

“C-can I come in?” You ask, a hoarseness to your voice. Your eyes trained on the ground.

“Birdie, what’s wrong? Everything alright?” His face etched with concern as he looks you over.

“ Is- is there any way to join the fireflies quickly. To- to be able to leave the QZ with you guys tonight?”

“You get Joel to join the fireflies?”

“No n-not Joel, for me..just me” you shake your head. Your voice shakes as you speak. Your head hung low, eyes glued to your feet.

“Look at me Birdie” Tommy says gingerly, cupping your chin with his thumb and index finger, gently lifting your head to meet his gaze.

“Did he hurt you? He didn’t hit you did he?” He asked in a firm but calm tone while turning your face side to side to check for visible marks.

Tommy didn’t believe Joel was capable of laying a hand on you like that but he needed to make sure. His brother had become more angry and violet over the years. Drinking more and pushing home made drugs to some of the fedra guards and he was starting not to recognize the man Joel was becoming.

You shook your head.

“Hurt me yes, hit me no. We’ve been hurting each other for to long and I just can’t handle it anymore. I- I can’t live like this anymore and the two if you are the only people I trust.”

“Does he know your leavin’?”

“If they will let me go I’ll go in slip a note I wrote under the door. If not i don’t know what I’ll do”

“Let’s go talk to them. I’m not sure what’s goin’ on between the two of you but I’m not leavin you here like this, but I’m also not going to press you about what’s goin’ on if you don’t want to talk about it”

“ I’ll talk about it eventually Tommy I just can’t talk about it right now much less think about it, I’m just in to much pain”

————————————————————

It’s nearly dusk when Joel wakes up, rolling over to wrap his arm around you.

“I don’t want to fight like that anymore baby girl” Joel says as he nuzzles into your neck, but his eyes snap open the moment he realizes somethings off, that you scent is different. That’s when realizes the grave mistake he made when he sees it’s Tess in your bed and not you.

“What the fuck is going on” Joel shouts while pushing himself out of bed.

“What the fuck are you doing here? Where’s Birdie?”

“You didn’t seem to be complaining a couple hours ago that she wasn’t here”

It’s in this moment as Joel feels the color drain from his face that he’s made a detrimental mistake. That he hadn’t been with you at all last night, that it wasn’t you when he’d finally said I love you.

Joel immediately starts putting his boots on to go looking for you. His motions panicked and scrambled.

“You heard me, I said get the fuck out and don’t come back”

As Joel slams the door he hears paper crinkle under his boot, he steps back to see a folded piece of paper with his name on it just inside the door. He unfolds it yo find a note from you.

Dear Joel,

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for the pain and frustration I’ve caused you over the years. The way we’ve been living isn’t healthy for either of us and just can’t stomach it any longer. You don’t deserve to be worried about both of us constantly because I can’t handle life in the dystopian universe well. You said if anything were to ever happen to go to Tommy that he take care of me so rest easy knowing that right up until the end I listened to you. I’ve joined the fire flies with him and by the time you see this we will have left the QZ in search of a better living situation. Tommy will message you here and there on the radio. You and Sarah will always have a place on my heart.

Love,

Birdie

Anger and failure blend together in a unrelenting weight on Joel’s chest as he flips the kitchen table over, papers flying everywhere, glass breaking.

—————————————————————-

About 10 years later

Tommy is up on the scaffolding when he hears the unmistakable tone of his brothers voice

“Tooommmyyyy”

Tommy runs down the stairs as Joel’s jumps from the horse he’s on and the share in a tight embrace.

“The fuck you doin here?”

“I came to save you guys”

Tommy and Maria take Joel and Ellie into the mess hall for a meal. As Tommy’s taking his coat and gloves off he slips his ring into his pocket, not ready to tell Joel that the two of you are in love, that you’d gotten married. Not wanting to have the conversation in front of everyone. Emotions swirl around Tommy’s head, on one hand he’s happy to see his brother on the other hand fear and resentment in not knowing what kind of person his brother is these days.

“I trust the two of you would like some time alone, I’ll take Ellie up to the house to shower and set her up with clothes and then take her to the town movie night” Maria says

“It’s ok Ellie you can go with her, it’ll be alright”

“ Tommy a word in private before you do so?”

“Is Birdie going to be alright?”

“I think she’s going to be a bit shaken, she has therapy tonight and I know she’ll be home right now unwinding so she won’t just bump into him. Imma make sure she knows tonight that he’s here.”

—————————————————————

“It doesn’t look like you’ve aged much” Joel says taking a seat at the bar of the tipsy bison, nervously smoothing his hand over it.

“You on the other hand” Tommy offers.

“Is she here? Is Birdie alive?” Joel asks nervously

“Yes she’s here in Jackson”

“Where is she? I want to see her” Joel presses

“Now slow down Joel, ya can’t just waltz in here and demand to see her”

“ The fuck I can’t! You ain’t her keeper. I have the right to see her”

“I’m not her keeper nor am I trying to be, all I’m trying to say is she’s made a lot of progress since we’ve been here. Her health and well being has improved 10 fold thanks to therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“One of our residents here used to be a therapist before the outbreak so we built her a place to practice out of and birdie goes every week like she did before the outbreak”

“She went to therapy before? I didn’t know that”

“And I suppose you never asked either”

Tommy’s comment gets under Joel’s skin. Bringing up resentment that had be just below the surface.

“So what’s this have to do with you tellin’ me I can’t see Birdie?”

Tommy let’s out a frustrated huff at Joel’s pressing. He doesn’t want to argue with his brother, they havnt seen each other in so long the last thing he wants to do is get into a fight. But Tommy’s one and only goal is protecting you and he will be as harsh as he has to be to get Joel to understand, even if he doesn’t like the answers.

“Because Joel you just arrived with a mystery kid, she has no idea your even here. You just turning up at her door with no notice would have her shaken, set back her mental health. She deserves to atleast know your here. To make her own decision on wether or not she wants to see you”

“So what are you really doing out here Joel? What’s with the kid?”

“She needs to go to this firefly base out here so Marlene hired me to bring her out here. And I took the job so I could get out here and save you guys.”

“Why did you think we needed saving?”

“I don’t know Tommy maybe because the two of you guys stopped fucking messaging me back. Because Marlene said you weren’t with the fireflies anymore. It must be because your girl keeps you on a short leash.”

“Maria? It is because of a rule we put In place here but she ain’t my girl. We started having some rough people coming through because they found out about us from radio activity so we had to be more careful and only use it for emergency’s.”

“ Let me show you where you guys will be staying so you can rest, clean up and go to the town movie night if you’d like.”

—————————————————————

Tommy can’t help but smile about the way you look up from your book when he walks through the door, food from the mess hall in his hands.

“Hey baby” you coo, the smile on your face lighting up the room when you see him.

“Hey sweet girl, sorry I’m home a lil late. But I have your favorite, it was Shepards pie night at the mess hall.”

You get up to take the food containers from him, placing them on the counter as he wraps his arms around you.

“How did therapy go to today babe?” Tommy asks as he kisses your temple.

“It went good, just exhausted by it tonight”

After dinner your curled up on the couch with your head in his lap asking him about his day.

“Baby I need to tell you something” Tommy breaths out his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Ok… is everything ok?” You ask starring up at him.

“I’m afraid it’s probably going up upset you” Tommy says rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“What is it Tommy?” You ask as you sit up. Mind racing with what it could be.

“Joel’s here, in Jackson”

Taglist:

@hiddenbabynyc @frogjumps-world @kaleidoscopewritings19

@coolchris77 @caitlynsixxx @natasharoblesjoneshi @jarman147 @bobgirllll @lovelessamai @hydralicious-bucky

@bellaramseysbitch @rav3n-pascal22 @saltymagazinecreation

@oriborealis250 @tybsbnbn @mellowbananacowboybandit @f1shb0nez @d19evyn @cafeznha @gigachadcowboy

@racheldon @elkenenvy @mirandablue1 @jellybeanxc

@adrien8097 @sweetlemonade11 @clownd1ck @nightmarebeforchristmas @moravalentine @silv3rmind

@miniatureangelhoundsoul @nopenopenope10484 @harryscumcloth @morgaussy, @kalllistos @spikershoyo @musings-of-a-rose @alongfortheridereader

[authorjoyroyal]

Youth Group Porn Games

Where were the adults?

...

A glib retreat, an itinerary of fun

This year's version?

The girls run away, hide in the woods

Boys have eight hours to look, 

   two hours?

      five?

         It's blurry.

To find yourself a willing slave.

...

I'm sorry, what?

...

Oh yes, a slave. The rest of the trip.

Discussions, errands, massages or... more.

Any number of things that could be imagined.

But that comes later.

...

First the fear.

I still have nightmares about hiding-

   try not to breathe

      hold perfectly still

         don't let anyone see

            be smart, hide well

               don't get caught

I was fifteen.

   sixteen?

      fourteen?

         it's blurry.

I don't know if this is where the nightmares began,

But I remember the fear.

I remember where I hid, and the relief that my coat

Was light green and would act as mediocre camouflage.

I hid for hours. I was almost free.

It was a good spot. Under some brush.

Fifteen minutes before the sound of the horn

And my sentence was pronounced.

Slave for the weekend.

...

Trudging back to camp, for the ceremony.

Anyone who found someone was master,

The found- slaves.

But the unfound, the free?

Masters, too. The unable to find

Now raffled off to be slaves themselves.

With roles assigned, the ill-advised rubric firmly in place...

Commence the fun! Was it fun?

...

All I remember was giving foot massages.

Looking back, I think I was a lucky one.

My crush's best friend, my master.

My crush, his slave, his friend, and me.

Massaging feet, and listening to them...

   what did they talk about?

      it's blurry.

I remember the anxiety receding some

As I realized that these boys... being made to feel like men...

Would not be abusers this weekend...

Just boys. Young men.

Kind enough to demand only small favors

And foolish and flawed enough to enjoy it.

I was safe- if uncomfortable and unsure.

...

My mind flits back to many years before.

My older siblings, put through the same paces.

The same "fun".

Photos on the wall of the hallway....

...

A massive church building. The youth had a whole corner,

A hall all their own, but with an exit that all used.

Photos and flyers and all sorts of mess

Adorning the wall of that sacred hall...

   a place I called a home for 6 years.

      a place I loved.

I am twelve.

   eleven?

      ten?

         it's blurry.

And after this particular trip

   a regular, planned event. Part of the system.

      signed off on by many years of leaders, students, parents, pastors...

After this particular fun...

The photos appear in the hall.

...

A photo of a girl. A girl I know.

A girl my brother's age.

It looks like a mug shot.

I think there are two photos.

   different angles?

      it's blurry.

A cinderblock wall behind her.

A vaguely military green outfit

   was it too big? I remember

      baggy pants

         and maybe a tight top?

            no, a jacket?...

               it's blurry.

But her face.

...

Lipstick, smeared outside the lines of her mouth

   was her eyeliner smeared too?

      or am I creating that memory

         because now I've seen the porn

            that suspiciously mirrors the memory?

Her hair, mussed.

And a sign in front of her chest

Hanging from a rough string.

Hand written:

"HOT LIPS"

...

I stared at it.

Even at a tender age

I remember the unsettled feeling in my stomach.

The feeling of sex being just beneath the surface

When I didn't even know what that was.

The feeling of something "off"

Something "wrong"

Something... "private"...

...

And there it stayed, that indictment of the weekend...

On the wall, in that sacred hall.

For weeks.

   months?

      it's blurry.

Too long. Long enough

For elders and pastors and parents and children

Walking past that photo

To get that same feeling in the pit of their stomachs.

Did they?

...

I've always said

"Where were the adults?"

But what actually made it so scary,

So unsafe, so unsettling....

Was that the adults were right there.

One adult to every fifteen kids...

   every ten?

      every twenty-five?

         it's blurry.

And I can't help but wonder...

Who started this tradition?

Someone, somewhere, along the line

CAME UP with the idea

Of slavery as fun,

And power as currency,

And of degradation as a lesson to be learned.

[thevindicativevordan]

Comics this week?

Superman #12 - The good: this was a nice showcase of Superman using his brains to win. He's studied kryptonite (because of course he has), and he came up with the plan to use Parasite to absorb all the excess Kryptonite. I liked those two moments. The bad: this whole arc has had some decent moments here and there but the Chained wasn't an interesting bad guy, and while I enjoyed Pharm and Graft I liked them more as mastermind villains upgrading classic Superman Rogues. They're not strong enough to carry an arc on their own, and Letica barely showed up before immediately turning bad. All of that made for an ending that was simply "ok".

Still Williamson managed to tie what happened to Brainiac, perhaps House of Brainiac can give what we've seen more weight. Either way I'm glad the arc is over and now we can get to the big story we've been building to since the run began. Williamson has a bad track record with "big events", but I did enjoy Finish Line as the finale to his Flash run, hopefully that kind of storytelling is what he's aiming to do here for Brainiac.

World's Finest #25 - What's with the Superbooks giving us the best Joker takes in ages? Finally getting a Joker who is funny instead of merely a clown serial killer. Downside is Waid's done better work with Lex elsewhere and this felt pretty cliché. The DCAU influence is strong here and the beats felt predictable: Lex underestimates Joker, Joker shows that he's far more evil and depraved than Lex with what he wants to wish for, but at least Lex managed to banish Joker back to Arkham at the last minute. It's an inferior riff on Rock of Ages, and next up is a 5D imp arc which I'm expecting to be another strike out.

GL: War Journal #7 - Byla shows up! All the connective tissue to PKJ's Action run has me excited. PKJ is really trying to build up this big cosmic epic about the First World across all of his books, it reminds me of what Al Ewing has tried to do over at Marvel. I really want to see PKJ get JL one day so he can spotlight what he's been building. Otherwise I'm glad that Steel and the others have qualms about what Ellie is doing. And hey, a chance to see Guy bro it up with John? Hell yeah, let's pair those two together for an issue.

Wonder Woman #7 - Fun issue! Not quite on the same level as his Batman/Superman issue, but the banter between Clark and Diana made me chuckle at several points (Supperman, getting their nails done, Diana asking Clark for help with the parking ticket at the end, etc). Batman regifting the diamond at the end and keeping the photos was expected but still a nice touch. Usually Diana is underserved when it comes to interactions with her fellow Trinity members, this was a nice showcase of Clark and Diana's friendship. Strikes me that King's Superman reminds me of how MAWS approaches the character in that he's a huge dork at heart. Was disappointed but not surprised that King brought up the American Way, I'm telling you DC if you want to replace that part of Superman's motto you have to commit to forcing everyone to use "A Better Tomorrow", even the golden boy.

JLvGvK #6 - RIP Guy I guess? Tried to go for the Injustice shock value but it didn't connect. I was more baffled than wowed. Supes just... wakes up I guess? What was the point of keeping him on the bench for this long when he simply wakes up? Hopefully the final fight delivers. For the most part I've turned my brain off and had a good time, but this issue kept having the dumb plot get in the way of the kaiju fights.

Fantastic Four #18 - Franklin getting his Kwisatz Haderach on! Clever writing that respects the continuity of what Slott established, while restoring Franklin's powers but not to the point he nullifies any sense of danger. Repressing his powers so he can have a relatively normal childhood makes sense and North weaves in past continuity to justify it well.

[videogamelover99]

you are so galaxy brain, I'm enjoying scrolling through your skk takes so much. I love the depth with which you see them both as individuals and their dynamic. I feel it's something sorely lacking in this fandom (I'm in the process of rage-writing Too Many fics in a fit of "if I want it done right I GUESS I have to do it myself") but I feel like you just Get It ��😌😌I'm trying to think of a question to ask now so I have an excuse to hear you be right about them some more.

mmm, I've been seeing a lot of fics lately that depict dazai acting on his mental illness and harming himself in some way, and chuuya coming along to ~ save him ~ and being all "don't do it again" "okay I won't!" and it's really grinding my gears, what are your thoughts? How do you think chuuya would actually feel/think/react to witnessing or being acutely aware of dazai indulging his mental illnesses in that way? I think it's a really interesting thing to look at through Chuuya's eyes and I think his responses to it would be very complex.

Lets talk about Fifteen for a second.

It's something I noticed recently, that I immediately had to tell @originalartblog about because it comepletely made me re-think skk's entire relationship as well as their deal with mental illness.

(tw: in-depth talk about suicidal ideation, suicide, depression, you know, the works)

I think the fandom collectively tends to think of Chuuya as the "more stable" one, someone who, while maybe not being compeltely healthy, is still healthy enough to "take care of" other people, to take care of Dazai, specifically. And I kind of fell into that idea too, that while a lot of Chuuya's issues are similar to Dazai's issues, he has enough sense of purpose and companionship from the people around him to not be as bad as Dazai. If Chuuya is portrayed as suicidal, it's in a sacrificial sort of way, you know, the classic "I don't care if I live as long as everybody else gets to" type thing we see in a lot of heroic characters.

But then I reread the final fight in Fifteen and was like wait.

Consider this sequence of events:

Rimbaud reveals his true colors and urges Dazai and Chuuya to give him, Chuuya refuses, and fights the entire time with his hands in his pockets.

Dazai asks for his five minutes of "convincing Chuuya to die", at which Chuuya says "You can't convince me of anything."

Dazai says he changed his mind about dying, and Chuuya demands to know why, at which point Dazai gives his whole "living close to death" speech. They agree to team up.

Immediately after their talk, and Dazai saying "Chuuya convinced me not to die", Chuuya takes his hands out of his pockets.

5. A fight scene later, and Chuuya explains why he keeps his hands in his pockets the whole time, a mystery set up on par with the mystery of Arahabaki. Back in the arcade, Dazai asks why he's deliberately putting himself at risk: "It can't just be lazyness...You know someone stronger is gonna come around at some point, you can't afford to let your guard down in fights."

6. Then they beat Rimbaud. And what last words does he have for Chuuya? A plead for Chuuya to live.

I think Dazai's speech about finding a reason to live didn't just impact Dazai, but Chuuya, too. Chuuya convinced Dazai not to die yet, but the same goes the other way around, with Chuuya finally finding enough will to live to take his hands out of his pockets and finally protect himself properly. The hands in pockets thing (and by extension, the gloves) aren't a show of arrogance or boredom or even Chuuya's doubt of his own humanity - they are a show of how much Chuuya is willing to live at that moment, how much he wants to fight back to survive. And before Dazai urged him to beat Rimbaud? Chuuya was letting Rimbaud win.

By extension, the times when Chuuya uses Corruption are probably the times when he wants to live the most. Since Dazai is the only one alive who knows the reason for the gloves, it's a silent signal of "I trust you to keep me alive because I don't want to die yet".

My point is that passive suicidal ideation is *still* suicidal ideation. "If I don't fight back maybe at some point when I'm close to death I'll feel like I want to" is suicidal ideation. It comes back around in Stormbringer, when Chuuya questions why he should fight back against N when his own existence doesn't mean anything. Each one of his mistakes is treated as another reason he shouldn't exist. Chuuya was never okay and I don't understand why we keep pretending he was.

As for the specifics of the ask: Chuuya wouldn't "indulge" Dazai, because everything he hates about Dazai has to do with Dazai's depression and nihilism, because it is his own depression and nihilism. Honestly, if anything I see Chuuya's response to Dazai's mental illness being way more on the problematic side than people like to portray. He can't offer empathy, because he'll have to put himself in Dazai's shoes and that is actually mentally dangerous for him, because it's a mentality he's desperately fighting against in himself. Of course he lashes out. Of course he's angry. He's tried reaching out to Dazai (again, that phone call scene in SB), and Dazai doesn't want that, anyway, so why should he try?

That doesn't mean he's totally apathetic or cruel. Chuuya's acts of care have always been more on the physical side of things. We have Beast, where Chuuya is adamant about protecting Dazai's life both from others and from his own reckless behavior, but they never talk, and that's why the line "Dazai committed suicide without telling him anything" is so brutal. Chuuya honestly wanted Dazai to come to him and say something, but Dazai never did because they both have so many walls up a genuine conversaion seems impossible.

[aphantasia-culture]

just found this account and as a community starved aphantasiac (i made a whole ass post about it on my blog sometime last month i think) i was so excited to see people having conversations about it here!

i'm a generally creative person and love DnD, so i'm sure i will inevitably send in future asks about how aphantasia affects me in those regards but like, omg the driving directions thing in your topic suggestion post—like, that and having a shitty autobiographical memory have probably been the biggest issues for me in trying to navigate the world while having aphantasia.

i've lived in the same city my entire life (except for college), and i can't tell you where jack or shit is. spoken directions mean nothing to me. i know how to get to like, five places from my childhood home without google maps and that's it, and most of those are walkable distances with only one or two turns. the other ones, i could not actually give you the directions to unless i'm on the road. it literally took me until months after getting my driver's license to realize that two grocery stores i'd been going to for literally a decade were right across the street from each other and also just a block from a strip mall that's just a block from my great grandma's house—and when i excitedly shared this revelation with my parents, they teased me about it because yeah, obviously those places are all close together, how have you never noticed that before?

not being able to form mental maps made me so self conscious growing up, like, a friend's parent would try to take me home from an event and i couldn't tell them how to get to my house even though every other kid could direct the parents to their house, and it crushed my little perfectionist heart that i was so bad at something everyone else did so easily? and then i found out about aphantasia and while thinking about it one day i was like, oh, i'm not actually stupid, i'm just operating at a severe disadvantage in this arena! i literally cannot access the cheat code everyone else uses to make this so easy! it was such a huge relief 😮‍💨

i could probably go on but this is already a very long ask. if you have similar struggles and want to just bitch about them with someone for awhile, my inbox is open! :)

Yesssssss send all the DND asks. Struggling to explain what I needed help with to be able to play DND is part of the reason I created this blog.

I can't drive any newish places without a GPS, and I've been in and out of this area my whole life. I can't even get to the library without gps even tho I've been there before, bc it is surrounded by one way streets and that is just too much for me to keep track of mentally.

I've lost appointments to new places bc they didn't have a map of their college campus size facilities, and no matter what I said, they couldn't understand that Google maps wouldn't be enough.

I had the worst meltdown I've had in years just trying to vote, back in August, bc of how convoluted the organization of voting places is. I ended up wandering around in 3 different places all across town for almost 2 hours only to end up at a place that was 5-6 blocks from my apartment.

I am constantly surprised at how close things are together. Like everything is separate in my mind. Like unless they have the same street on their address, or I have to regularly go to both on the same trip, I will not make the connection.

I have a sneaking suspicion that many of my family has aphantasia but I'll probably never tell them bc that would mean talking to them again.

But like probably almost half, bc it was just common sense that certain people could not be trusted with finding their way anywhere, and so would be at least 20 minutes late to everything. These family members would be described as

"they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag. the light at the end of the tunnel would confuse them as to which way was out"

So yeah, I'm starved for aphantasia community too.

[mythicalgemwrites]

Selkie x F! Reader (Linn) Part 1

Sorry for not posting earlier guys! I've been very busy with online classes.

Warnings: mentions of drowning. Pics are not mine, all credits go to the owner!

M! Selkie X F! Reader

Living on an island your whole life has its perks. From the fresh scent of the salty ocean air to the calming sounds of the waves crashing lazily, it never failed to wake you up with a serenity that could be found nowhere else. You had lived alone with your Toller pup for the past couple years, in the house that your grandparents had left for you. You grew up with them, as your parents always had to move from town to town due to their profession. They were both marine biologists and had taken up a job at a top secret research facility when you were 12, so they decided to let you stay with your beloved grandparents. However, on a stormy day a couple years ago, when you were 19, both your grandparents got caught in a storm while they were out fishing, and they never came back. During the funeral, you had found out that in their will, they had stated that you should get the house, in the event of something tragically happening to them.

And that’s how you got the house three years ago. When it became too lonely, you decided to adopt a Toller puppy for company, and you had named him Sam, which was your grandpa’s nickname. He provided good company and unconditional love, which is important in every home. The house had its own dock leading to the beach, so every morning, after your walk, you’d put Sam’s retriever genes to good use and play fetch with him, fetching the ball from the ocean was one of his favorite past times. Whenever you brought him to the beach, you sometimes feared he was going to be the reason why someone almost drowned. To date, you were grateful nothing like that had ever happened, but you sometimes couldn’t brush off that fear. You were a writer, and sometimes, you couldn’t control how far your imagination went, and sometimes, the words you put on paper would be some of your worst fears, if they were to come alive.

As the days go by, and the weather gets chilly, you would often take Sam on a walk to the nearby cove, usually in the warmer months it would be filled with children playing by the beach and in the waters, but as the weather got cooler, it was mostly couples going on romantic walks, or some who preferred the solitude, just came to enjoy the sunset. On this particular day, there weren’t many people by the cove, just a couple strangers. It was around 6:15 when you threw the ball the last time, and waited for Sam to retrieve it. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, fully inhaling the chill autumn air, when you heard a whelp coming from the water. Opening your eyes, you saw Sam caught on a wave, and struggling to get back to you. In a panicked state, you took off into the water, not worrying about the growing current, but more worried about your faithful companion, struggling in grasps of strong waves, at least for a dog his size. As you grab him by his collar, attempting to pull him out, another wave comes crashing into the two of you, causing you to go under. Trying to call for help, and failing, as the water fills your lungs, you stop struggling, knowing it might make your situation worse, however, Sam starts barking, with his head barely above the water.

Suddenly, you could feel yourself being pulled out of the water, and being held against a broad chest by strong arms. Once you reached the water, you looked at your savior, beautiful greenish-blue grey eyes met yours, and you saw a cute familiar face looking back at you. It was Linn, the barista in the cute local café. You had to admit, you’ve always had a crush on him, but from afar. You didn’t know anything about him, except that people claimed that his family had lived on the island for years, centuries even.

He had shaggy brown hair, and small freckles were scattered along his face. With his help, you got up from the ground and called out to Sam. “Are you alright? I saw you getting pulled under and saw your dog barking. Do you want me to call someone?” he asked , in a boyishly deep smooth voice. Gaping like a goldfish out of the water, it took you a few seconds to process what was said. Coughing, you rasped out “ Yes… I’m fine, thank you! My dog , Sam, got caught in the waves, and I tried to get him out.” you started babbling like a lost child. “ Can I call someone to come get you?” He asked again, a hint of concern in his eyes. “ oh, no… no it’s okay, I live alone, well with Sam. There’s no one to call.” you said, trying not to act like a 15 year old who just couldn't help but be nervous around her crush. “I’ll be fine, really, I just need to walk home and dry out. Thanks again for helping!” you exclaimed. Calling Sam to you, the both of you started to walk home. “ Hey! Wait!” you heard Linn calling from behind, “ I’ll walk you home, if that’s okay. It’s getting dark anyway. I’ll see to it that you both get home safe,”. Before you could say anything, you felt him putting his jacket over you, helping with the chill. You didn’t realize you were freezing until he wrapped his jacket around you.

When the three of you reached your home, Sam was happy to be back in the warm embrace of his bed. Standing by the door “ Would you like to come in? Maybe a cup of coffee… or tea or anything else, if you prefer?” quickly giving him the option of whatever he preferred, to make sure you didn't seem ignorant. Sure, he worked as a barista in the local café, but that doesn't mean he loved coffee, right? “ Um, sure! Anything will do,” he said, as he followed you in. Looking around, you kicked yourself in your head, not keeping up to the schedule you set yourself for cleaning up around the cottage. Sure, it was decent, but paper everywhere? A heaping amount of mugs were strewn around your coffee table, as you sat there working on your next work.

Quickly picking them up and moving them to the sink, you filled up the kettle and turned it on to boil. “ There’s tea and coffee in the cabinet above the kettle, feel free to help yourself. I’ll go get dried up,” the words left you, as if you were telling them to an old friend, hoping to not make a fool of yourself anymore, you gave him a sheepish smile and made your way upstairs to your bedroom.

(Linn pov)

I made my way to the cabinet, looking through the various tea blends. Something which would help with the cold temperature would be nice. There in the right corner of the cabinet, was a box of peppermint tea. It would definitely help make her feel better, since she was soaked to the bone. I can’t help but feel a sense of concern for her. This beautiful strong woman that I always encounter in the café I worked in, and possibly have a crush on, I can’t believe I never spoke to her. I’ve always seen her writing in the corner of the café, in her spot, as my coworkers and I have labeled it. She always seems so sure of herself, and always seems ready for anything, but today, out in the water when I saw her struggling, something came over me. I had to save her, felt a sense of protectiveness for her, hence why I offered to walk her home. Taking two bigger than average mugs from the cabinet, I filled them up with the boiling water, after placing a tea bag in each and placing them on the coffee table before the couch. Her dog was in front of the heater, longing for some warmth and hoping to dry off. I heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs.

As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw Sam laying before the heater, trying to get warm. Making my way to the tiny laundry room, I picked up Sam’s towel. Making my way to him, from the corner of my eye I saw Linn, sitting on the couch, two steaming mugs of what seemed to be one of my teas in front of him.

“ I made some peppermint tea, it helps with colds, we don’t want you to catch one now do we?” grinned Linn.

Thanking him, and taking the mug he held one, I sat next to him on the couch. Keeping some distance between us, I asked him if he wanted to use the bathroom to clean up.

“ If you have any spare clothing that might fit, I’d like that! It’s okay if you don’t though!” he nervously exclaimed. “ I do have some spare clothing that belonged to my grandpa, they should fit. Gimme a sec! I’ll go grab ‘em, and a towel too!” I exclaimed, leaving the cozy embrace of the couch.

Making my way to my room, where I kept a spare drawer full of my grandparent’s clothes, I dug out a jumper and a pair of pajama pants which belonged to my grandpa.

When I went down, I saw Linn drying Sam with the towel that I had left by his dog bed, and Sam being the belly rub loving dog he is, happily accepted Linn drying him with the towel, belly rubs being a necessity. Letting out a chuckle at the scene before my eyes, I held out the spare clothes and a fresh towel to Linn.

“ There’s a bathroom two doors left from the stairs upstairs,” I exclaimed, reaching for the doggy towel he left by the couch and chucking it in the laundry room. “Thank you,” he exclaimed, leaving to go to the bathroom.

Once Sam was dry enough, I picked up my mug of tea, making myself comfortable on the couch. Looking out the living room window, rain droplets trickling down the class, I sip on my tea, waiting for my guest to arrive from the bathroom. A couple minutes passed, looking up when I heard soft footsteps heading towards me, I offered Linn a smile and patted down the space next to me on the couch. “ Here, you can leave once the storm stops,” I handed him the mug.

We both sat beside each other, talking about what we remember about my grandparents and how we never spoke to each other when we were younger. Sam sitting at our feet. The dying fire casted a warm allure on his face, illuminating the soft scattered freckles. Hours passed as we enjoyed each other's company over another mug of tea, laughing at all the brief mutual moments that were shared between us. He mentioned that he would always get excited to see me whenever I visited my grandparents by the docks. I didn’t want to admit it, but I always loved to catch a few glimpses of him, whenever he wasn't looking as well.

I laughed at his words, tired but somehow feeling rejuvenated. It had been a long time since I last laughed with someone. It felt good to let go.

His expression of awe paused me mid laughter. He was gazing into my eyes, as I his. For a brief moment, his gaze averted to my lips. Moving his gaze up to my eyes, as soft as a whisper “ May I kiss you?” he asked, a foreign emotion lingered behind his now soft eyes.

Giving him a gentle nod, I felt him place his hand at the nape of my neck. Inhaling a deep breath, his scent which reminded me of the sea with a hint of musky peppermint enveloped my senses.

Linn leaned in, gently bringing my face towards his. He closed his eyes, and for a brief few seconds I admired him until mine shut involuntarily as I felt his lips on mine. After a few seconds, he pulled away, still gazing into my eyes, “ I’ve been wanting to do that for quite a while now,” he said, with a sheepish grin, before kissing me again.

He deepened the kiss a little, giving my bottom lip a light lick before pulling away. “ I regretted not telling you how I felt about you earlier… I did ask permission from your grandpa before he passed. The last thing he said to me was, he’d be happy if you chose me,” he paused for a second, a hint of sadness and regret casting a shadow on his blue eyes. “ I… I need to tell you something. I might … might not be who you expect. And I understand if I’m not who you want,” he stammered. Grunting, “ The rain’s about to stop. I should probably get going,” he said as he started to get up.

Grabbing onto his hand, “ No...don’t! Please… It’s late, you should stay!” I stopped him. “And I’ve had a silly little crush on you too… I just never knew how to tell you” I whispered. He sat next to me, slowly, as if I were made of fine china. That, at any moment, I might crumble. “ You did?” he breathed, his breath close enough that I could feel it on my face.

“ I also know what you are. Grandpa made sure to educate me on myths, and he said some were not myths. I’ve seen you carry your pelt around sometimes,” I closed his hand between mine. “I know you’re a selkie, Linn. I don’t want you to hide that from me.” I breathed, gazing into his eyes. I could catch a glimpse of adoration in them. “Thank you… for not running away, even when you knew what I was,” he sighed. I gazed at his lips, before catching them with mine, a soft peck, to let him know I accepted him for who he is.

[aetheternity]

Hard Pass P3 (Levi X Reader)

Synopsis: Levi is forced out of his comfy dorm room and in a strange twist of events right into your arms at a college party.

Levi was relieved for the silence as he clicked away at his keyboard. Mike had gone to his only late class of the entire week. Which meant Levi could actually study in his room.

The scent of tea and the small aroma diffuser on his desk as well as the open window in front of him welcomed a nice calming smell that was normally masked by Mike's gym bags and sweaty clothes. Which reminded Levi of the laundry he would have to do soon.

He pressed his tea cup to his lips feeling a twinge of irritation as he was interrupted by two knocks on the door. He looked down at the time. 6:15. A little too early for Mike to be back complaining that he'd forgotten his keys.

Then it was probably one of his girls complaining that she'd left her shit in the room. If Levi had a dollar for the amount of times that had happened he could pay for a new roommate.

The next couple knocks were a bit louder. "Levi? It's Y/N.."

Y/N?!

His face practically exploded. He stood far too fast because just as quickly he was flopping over his stupid desk chair and hitting the floor with a hard thud. He gasped audibly tugging at his knee and gritting his teeth.

"Levi? Are you ok?" Came her voice again.

He pulled himself up with a huff and staggered over to the door. Unsurprisingly he had to limp. With a quick turn of the lock he yanked open the door right into his forehead. God fucking dammit.

He groaned in a mix of fury and disgust partially because he'd idiotically stood so close when opening the door and partially because he hated the stupid inanimate object.

"Oh my god! Are you ok?" Y/N gasped, squeezing herself inside and shutting the door behind her. "Let me see? Did you hit your eye?" She asked

Her fingers were so delicate as she brushed aside his hands. So close.. Her thumb traced the already appearing red spot on his forehead. Soo close.. She brushed his hair to the side cupping his cheeks to gently reposition his head towards the light. Close....

She breathed out a little chuckle. "It's probably gonna bruise."

Levi barely registered her words. Occupied with her beautiful eyes illuminating moonlight and the dim lights in his room. His lips parted ever so slightly. When her hands fell away he gulped and jerked his head back. Trying to find literally anything to take the edge off.

"I'll.. go find you an ice pack, ok?" Y/N began already heading for the door.

"K-knee.." Levi tried and mentally cursed himself.

"Huh?" She asked, turning back.

"M-my.. t-two please.."

Her smile was gentle, "Two ice packs. Got it." And with a little wave she was out the door. Her lingering touch still causing heat to pool in Levi's chest.

~~~~

"Aww sweetie, are you sure you're ok?"

He was not. Definitely not. One of her hands was on his uninjured knee and the other was brushing his hair away from the ice pack. He didn't even know if he'd breathed in the last 20 minutes. His brain echoing the word sweetie.

The two of you had been sat on his bed as he uncomfortably laid his head back on the wall. Trying and failing to not fixate on your touch. Every brush of your fingertips was downright intoxicating.

"You look kinda red. Do you wanna try seeing a doctor or something?"

"N-no.." It was barely audible but he knew she heard when she nodded.

If there was a hole nearby he would crawl into it and never come out. Though he also didn't wanna move as the fear of making this situation worse for himself stayed ever present.

"Let me see?" He partially removed the ice pack from his forehead, spine tingling over the way she sucked in a breath. "You should be more careful."

Levi didn't answer. Just squeezed his legs closer together and sighed. In all the time he'd been in this room he'd never hit himself in the face with the door. Just what kind of power did this girl have over him.

"I know because my little cousin has done stuff like this but you should put some cream on the bump so that it doesn't get redder and it'll go down faster."

Little cousin? That wasn't a fair comparison. Little kids do stupid things cause they're kids. Did she think about him that way? Uggghhhh.

He was yanked from his thoughts by her hand coming down to squeeze his. "Are you positive you're ok? Do you need anything else?"

"I-I'm fine.."

Just as Levi said that his attention was brought to the door. Mike had barely stepped into the room and he was already grinning like a fucking idiot.

"Well, hello." He greeted, stepping closer. "Levi, you didn't tell me you were inviting anyone over. Especially not a pretty girl."

Y/N's chuckle was nervous, "Hello, you must be Levi's roommate." She stuck her hand out which Mike immediately took placing one hand on top of their joined hands.

"And you must be Y/N." He said "I've heard so much about you."

His teasing was met with a glare that could slice concrete. If Levi had known Mike was gonna come straight back to the room he definitely would've gotten rid of Y/N sooner.

"Oh? Really?" Y/N turned to look at Levi behind her. "You told him about me?" It was a split second thing but Levi could've sworn her features softened.

"Oh, no I meant Hange." Mike replied

"Oh."

Oh? Was she disappointed? It sounded disappointed? Did she want Levi to talk about her?

"But at no point did Hange tell me you were this pretty. Neither did Levi honestly, I'm kinda disappointed."

Alright that's enough of that. Levi stood. Placing the ice packs on his bed.

"You should probably leave." He gritted his teeth at how harshly it came out.

Now Mike was letting go of Y/N's hand. "Oh wait! I came to get my phone. Hange said you had it."

Levi blinked. He'd almost forgotten about that. It had been sitting on his desk since yesterday. His knee was screeching in absolute horror as he staggered his way over to his desk.

"What the hell happened to you?" Mike asked, clearly trying to hold back a snicker.

"Aw, it was an accident. I scared him."

Levi returned with the phone shooting daggers into Mike who pretended not to notice.

"Thank you." She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Y-yeah.."

"Did you put your number into it?"

Levi's face perked up a little. "Yes."

"Ok, then I'll text you later." She assured, brushing her finger tips over his forehead once again. "Goodnight boys." And with those last words she took off.

"Faking an injury?! I didn't think you had it in you!" Mike celebrated as soon as she was gone.

"Dickhead." Levi scoffed.

"Hey, is that any way to talk to the best friend who just confirmed your biggest fear moot?" Mike plopped down on his bed with a playful huff.

Levi flopped down into his desk chair, staring up at the ceiling. "One you're definitely not my best friend especially after that shit. And two I'm not you I don't fake shit to get girls."

"That would totally be hurtful if it wasn't true." Mike shrugged "I meant the fact that she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Levi practically flipped himself out of his chair. "How do you assume that."

"Simple. Hange told me about her ex boyfriend. By the way it was probably that guy that took her from the library that day. And Hange says that a lot of guys find Y/N attractive. Because of this her ex got too overprotective and they broke up. But he had no reason to be because Y/N would always tell people she had a boyfriend or at least around Hange she did."

Levi stared at his barely drunk tea. The liquid probably cold after being left on the table so long. So she had dated that guy.. He had been so tall and pretty muscular looking, was that her type? She didn't seem like she was going to get back together with him.. but he was still around.

"All I'm saying is she seems loyal. You better snatch her up before someone else does or she gets back together with her ex."

His attention was drawn away by his phone softly buzzing on his table. He pressed the on button, swiping his pin and clicking the notification as it popped up.

Hey Levi, it's Y/N.

Listen ik you said you're ok but I bought you some cream just in case. I'll bring it to you tm ;)

His heart fluttered and ached remembering her touch and her kind words. If he didn't full blown know Mike was staring at him he would probably hug his phone.

~~~~

Too much time had passed and suddenly the whole school was on break. Levi had been dreading this. Not because he was a workaholic like Mike claimed but because he knew Hange was gonna drag him away and make him vacation.

And no form of vacation could possibly be more relaxing for him than curling up in bed with some books, doing some casual cleaning, and drinking tea with light music playing at all times. Mike was definitely going home during this time so it'd be the perfect way to spend his break.

But Hange's family owned a couple lodges and that meant another year of begging for Levi to come ski and freeze his fingers and toes off.

"Come on, Levi!"

"Absolutely not."

"Erwin!" Hange called to him where he sat on Levi's bed, scrolling through his phone.

"You knew he was going to say no." Erwin replied

"Which is why I brought you to help me make my case." Hange complained

"You clearly made an error in judgment then." Erwin retorted

Mike laughed from where he was laying on his own bed. "Might as well give it up Hange, Levi is just too stubborn about this. We all know he wants to be close to all my junk while I'm gone cause he'll miss me."

"I wouldn't hesitate to tell your stalker where you're going over break." Levi spat

"She'll figure it out anyway. She's a high class stalker. And I'm not her first." The room fell in uncomfortable silence but Mike just leaned back giving his full attention to his phone screen.

"That disturbing remark aside.." Erwin began shaking his head. "I'm going."

"And that's supposed to change my mind? How'd Hange force you into it?"

"It may stun you but I chose to go through with this all on my own. There are studies that claim it's good for the mind to get away from normality during breaks or away from your comfort zone to properly clear your mind. It'll also help you make less mistakes when classes resume."

Hange smiled, "Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking."

Levi rolled his eyes. "If I go you can't beg me next year." Hange's loud shrill screeching made Levi's heart drop out of his ass.

"Finally!!" Hange screamed in excitement as she wrapped her arms around Levi's neck.

"Get off already! You're such a pest!"

And that was how Levi ended up on a train for almost three long hours with Hange blabbering on about nothing and Erwin sat in the seat across from the two of them listening to podcasts while staring out the window of his own very sad music video.

And all of the crap Erwin had spewed about getting away being more relaxing proved to be completely from the ass as Levi shivered along wrapped in two scarves, a pair of gloves, his long green coat that fell around his ankles and a winter hat plopped over his ears.

"Walk faster Levi! Is that the best your little legs can do?!" Hange called, somehow racing her way up the slope with three bags. One that wasn't even hers

Levi grunted in irritation. Not only were they walking up a hill but it was covered in snow so deep that every step felt like he was falling.

"Do you need help?" Erwin asked, not waiting for Levi to respond as he hoisted the overnight bag off his shoulders.

Levi just huffed. "I swear Hange was made in a lab."

"As possible as that is, Hange was basically raised in the snow so this is the equivalent of dust for her." Erwin replied as the two of them trudged along.

"Her parents own multiple ski lodges why the hell did we go to the one up a fucking hill."

"The other closest one was more than 6 hours away. Did you really wanna be stuck on a train with Hange for more than 6 hours?"

Levi just groaned as they finally walked through the surprisingly big doors of the huge ski lodge. Hange raced over to the front desk as Erwin slipped onto the lobby couch, followed by Levi who was still kicking snow off his boots and his second bag.

"What's in that bag?" Erwin questioned, nodding to the luggage Levi had yanked over his lap.

He exhaled loudly giving the bag a couple soft pats. "Clothes, extra boots, extra gloves, two bottles of cleaner and a small box of tea as well as some light reading material."

"When are you gonna have time to read? We're going to be skiing most of the time we're here."

"If you think I'm getting on a ski lift you have less working brain cells than Hange."

Erwin smirked with a roll of his eyes, "Alrighty then, what's in this bag."

"All of the shit that didn't fit in this bag, toothpaste, toothbrush, cologne, extra pairs of underwear-"

"Woah, Levi you can't just talk about your underwear in a public space." Erwin chuckled at his own joke.

Levi rolled his eyes, "It's bad for your health to hang around Mike as often as you do."

"How is it you're not dead yet then?" Erwin retorted

Hange had been chatting up the receptionist for almost 15 minutes, bouncing up and down in front of the desk and indulging him in the stories of their travel up here. The man just gave her a sheepish grin and honestly Levi felt a little bad for the man but a little less when he thought about how it wasn't his problem anymore.

Moblit.. his name tag read. Somehow Hange's mannerism seemed more crazed with him if that was even possible.

"Yeah.. it has been so long." He heard the man say. You got.. taller..

"We're never getting out of this lobby are we?" Erwin sighed as the two continued to chatter on. Levi and Erwin stared as Hange continued on about her car with a surprising amount of engagement from the other party. "You know they kind of remind me of you and-"

"Hey, Hange!" Erwin cut himself off as a brown haired girl that Levi instantly recognized hopped down each step, a bald boy following her. And Levi believed he remembered them from Y/N's stories as Connie and Sasha who he remembered from the party.

"Hange, what're you doing here?" He asked as the brown haired girl gave her a hug.

"My family owns the lodge so I brought Erwin and Levi for the break!" Hange said, pulling Connie into side hug that he immediately reciprocated.

"Oh god! Why didn't you tell me your plans for break? Jean would've driven all of us up here and you wouldn't have had to waste gas."

Hange just shook her head. "It's quite alright I was already out of gas so we just took the train up here."

"You didn't put gas in your car again?" Connie asked

"Wait, if you guys came then does that mean Y/N is here?" Hange asked completely dodging Connie's question.

At her name Levi bounced out of his seat. Almost launching himself into the spot next to Erwin. Pulling his hat over his eyes and sliding his back as far into the chair as he could.

"What's up with you?" Erwin questioned

"I embarrassed myself last time I was with Y/N.."

"What? Didn't she buy you cream like a month ago?"

"Y-yeah." Levi shimmied his feet together as he slid further down in his seat.

Erwin's chuckle next to him made him grimace. "I know you don't really get it Levi. But uh, making an ass out of yourself in front of your crush is the first real hurdle to knowing you've got it bad."

"Shut up.."

"It could've been worse.. You could've accidentally injured her. Or got caught by the loud mouth in your class while writing her first name and your last name in a notebook."

"Sounds like a personal story.." Levi replied, inching the hat off his eyes to look up at Erwin.

Erwin scoffed, "Point is it happens." He said with a roll of his eyes.

Levi let out a little snicker that instantly got caught in his throat. It had never occurred to him that he'd actually paid attention to the romance movies he'd seen a hundred times with his mother. But now that Y/N was walking down the stairs it was like a scene from all of those movies combined.

Her smile just as warm as always. Turtleneck sweater hugging her features along with dark blue jeans and brown boots. Each step felt slower than the last as if everything in this particular room had been put on the slowest speed imaginable.

The butterflies in his stomach swarmed like they were all chasing after one specific thing. Everytime she appeared somehow it was different.

"We're still going skiing today right?" Connie questioned as Y/N stopped on the last stair.

"If Jean's up to it sure." She replied, her cheeks flushed like she'd just walked in from outside.

"Well this is gonna be a fun weekend." Erwin said but Levi didn't even register his words. His heart stammering in his chest. "Go make a fool out of yourself." Erwin nudged

"Hey Jean! Come on!" Connie said

"Yeah, Jean I'm hungry!" Called Sasha

Levi's heart stopped, his chest crumbling in on itself. The same guy from before.. just as soon a loud crash sounded and everyone turned all at once.

"Oh god are you ok?!" Y/N was the first person by Hange's side followed by Moblit from behind the counter.

Hange let out a laugh, wincing as she pulled herself up with Moblit and Y'N's help.

"I'll be ok. Just took a little spill." She continued to laugh.

Erwin was soon standing by her side. "Are you sure, you're alright? Your face is super red.."

A momentary lapse in Hange's facial features made Erwin step back a little. "Shut up Erwin." She huffed

"You fell on your side. You should rest a little bit." Moblit said, coming closer. "Just.. in case."

"Ok.." Hange replied

Y/N seemed to relax at this information. Her gaze immediately falling on Levi surprisingly. He really hoped he didn't outwardly wince.

"Hi, Levi." She spoke plainly giving Erwin a small greeting as well before her, Connie, Sasha, and Jean were leaving the lobby.

Hange and Erwin unsurprisingly crowded into Levi's room about five minutes after the whole ordeal. But Levi couldn't even bring himself to wipe one thing down like he'd wanted to. He just laid still on the bed, eyes planted to the ceiling.

Surprisingly Hange had also stayed silent. Her eyes shut where she laid next to Levi.

"I can't believe you broke the handle on my luggage Hange." Erwin called still sat on the floor holding his luggage in one hand and the handle in the other. Pressing the broken part of the handle to his bag as if it'd be that simple to fix.

"Now what am I supposed to do?"

"It broke my fall Erwin. Be grateful."

"For what exactly?"

"I don't know!"

Levi blinked, his gaze falling on Hange for the first time since she took that spill in the lobby. Her hands were crossed over her stomach, thumbs rubbing the spot where she fell.

"Are you alright or not?" Levi questioned

"I'm fine."

"Ok, I know why Levi's upset but why're you?" Erwin chimed up

"What's Levi upset about?"

"What else? Y/N."

"Uggggghhh Levvviiiii why don't you just ask her out already?" Hange said

Levi sat up on the bed pulling his feet into his chest. Shoes long gone, pushed up against the wall as soon as they'd walked into the room.

"I'm not talking about this shit anymore this week."

"Levi, if we're staying here all of this week and next then chances are she's also staying here all week and next. Which means somewhere in here is a perfect opportunity to-"

"Get in her bed." Hange interrupted

"Or something less crass." Erwin suggested "You did pack condoms in your emergency undies bag right?"

"Did you pack a spare handle in yours?"

Hange's obnoxious laughter was almost loud enough to muffle the low knocks on the door. Her irritating jabs to Levi's shoulder quickly halting when Levi grabbed her fingers.

"Who is it?" Erwin asked, one hand on the door.

"It's Y/N.."

Now Hange stopped laughing. Erwin shrugged as he looked back at both of them before pulling the door open.

"Hey, here." Y/N sounded filled with fatigue as she handed over a small bottle to Erwin.

"Oh! Thank you! Where'd you get this?" Erwin smiled with delight immediately flopping back down next to his bag.

"Jean carries around extra strength glue because Connie always manages to break something fragile." Y/N replied "I doubt it'll work but maybe it'll help a little?"

Erwin nodded happily as Y/N turned to look at Hange. Her hands balled up and her fingers fidgeting where she was pulling at them.

"How's your rib Hange?"

"It's ok now, thanks for asking."

Y/N nodded and at this moment everyone in the room was looking at Levi who automatically felt extremely naked.

"Levi um.. can I talk to you? In the hall?"

Levi didn't know if he had nodded in his head or in real life but he was swiftly moving across the room. Passing Y/N where she stood and then holding the door open as she walked out just behind him. The door shut behind the two of them and if Levi felt naked before the feeling out here was somehow worse.

"What happened?"

Levi could hear the slightly muffled footsteps on the other side of the door and even a whispered Hange as Y/N spoke. His hands felt both too dry and wet all at once as he looked into her mildly menacing gaze.

"Wh- where wh-when.."

"You barely said anything to me after I brought the cream for your forehead. What happened? Did I do something wrong?"

Oh god how can she possibly assume that? Levi felt his stomach clench. He had never had it easy with text, which was why he pretty much always called everyone.

"I-I didn't mean.. it um.." He shuffled his feet a bit now remembering that he still had no shoes on.

Y/N sighed. "I wanna be your friend Levi. Please tell me you want that too."

With a deep breath he replied, "Call me."

"When?"

"Anytime.. I'm a bad t-texter.."

When her facial features softened Levi felt his shoulders finally sag for the first time since he'd heard her name in the lobby. "Ok.. oh ok, that's all it was? I thought I did something wrong. I'm glad we talked."

And Levi was barely registering her hands wrapping around his shoulders. Her body pressing oh so comfortably close to his. Hand sliding over his back, scent overwhelming his nose. And then just as soon it was all being taken away.

"I'll call you, ok?"

"Ok.." Levi's hand was still waving long after she'd already disappeared out of plain view.

"Oh god you're her friend!" Hange laughed the door suddenly yanked open behind Levi.

"It's as cute as it is sad." Erwin clicked his teeth.

"Tch, shut up." Levi stomped back into the room.

"Levi, you're in the friendzone!" Hange huffed as Erwin shut the door. "And if you don't get out of it. You're gonna be the short shoulder to cry on when some big dude with an invalid drivers license, a shit ton of tattoos and a porn addiction breaks her heart."

"That's oddly specific.." Erwin retorts

"All of you keep assuming I wanna be her boyfriend. I don't!"

Erwin rolled his eyes, "That tall guy that she was with actually. I think he'll be the guy who has her running to Levi's shoulder."

"Oh you mean Jean?" Hange nods "But they broke up a while ago."

"Then why is she still hanging out with him?"

"He's Sasha and Connie's best friend. So they've all known each other a while. They're a set, don't separate type deal."

"Then it's only logical that Y/N will marry Jean someday. You know if they all stay so close."

"Yup, definitely."

"You can both eat shit."

~~~~

Day one

Levi strained awake, blinded by the harsh sunlight stabbing his eyes through the uncovered window. He couldn't even remember when he'd fallen asleep last night but he could already tell it was too early for everyone else to be awake.

He could recall a couple things from last night. Hange overstaying her welcome in his room, Erwin suggesting that Hange pay for his fucked up luggage and somethings he would rather not think about.

Preferably the others joining in his room to discuss breakfast plans. At which Sasha had suggested the diner they had already planned to go to early in the morning. Levi's heart sank as he recalled Y/N's gorgeous smile directed to Jean who had stood behind her rubbing her shoulders and whispering in her ear.

He squeezed his eyes shut, standing from his bed and immediately working to straighten out the sheets before eyeing the book he'd unpacked last night.

Maybe he could get some reading done before Hange inevitably came to annoy him.

The one he was currently holding was of a dog wearing a big floppy hat in the mist of sunflowers. He quickly matched it with his black and white sweatpants. And with a small sigh he headed to the bathroom.

He thumbed at the spine of the book, sliding his finger between the pages to the current bookmark. A shower would probably be a better start to the morning though. He set the book down unzipping one of his bags and pulling out the first pair of clothing folded at the top. Levi hadn't remembered packing one of his mother's many silly birthday gifts to him. She had always bought him shirts with pictures on them that confused him.

He didn't even remember the last time he'd had a shower that was hot for more than five minutes. Or the last time he could look down at his feet without seeing a hair monster in the drain.

He took a couple extra minutes to completely wash his hair, combing his fingers through the strands before shutting off the water and quickly getting dressed.

As he reentered his room he remembered the random gaze Jean threw his way. The smirk on his lips, the taunting glare and then just as quickly it was over. And he was talking to her like nothing had happened.

Levi had never once in his entire life thought about having a girlfriend. It just wasn't something that absorbed his thoughts but he knew the second he saw that smirk on Jean's face what he wanted to be to Y/N.

He just couldn't imagine how.

His fluffy towel hugged his head as he popped open the book he'd discarded a couple minutes ago. He pulled his feet in closer to his body tracing the letters on the page, delving into the story-

"Levi!"

Two fucking seconds.. that had to be a new record.

A barrage of harsh knocks sounded outside his door and he yanked it open to see Hange standing there out of breath with a barely alive looking Erwin behind her. Excitement flooding her features as she pushed past Levi with Erwin in tow. A blue toothbrush almost falling from his lips.

"You couldn't let him finish brushing his fucking teeth?" Levi grunted, shutting the door behind the two of them. Erwin sighed his eyes shut, toothbrush dangling from his mouth. "Why're you here?"

"We're all going for breakfast remember?"

"Not for another thirty minutes." Levi narrowed his eyes and leaned back against the tv table.

Hange smiled, "Yup and that means we have enough time to figure out a game plan to get you and Y/N together by the end of today." Hange clapped excitedly though both Erwin and Levi couldn't possibly look less enthused.

"I don't need your help."

"Erwin, back me up here!"

"I'm not doing shit since you didn't let me spit and I had to swallow toothpaste." Erwin remarked, squeezing the bridge of his nose.

Levi's face scrunched up and Hange let out a snort. "Why did you swallow it.. you could've just spit it out in the hall or something."

"That's fucking disgusting." Levi grunted

"Why the hell would I do that?" Erwin asked

"You're not supposed to swallow toothpaste duh!"

Everyone huffed all at once and Levi flopped down next to Erwin on the bed. "If I need any help I'll ask.." He mumbled already feeling heat fly to his cheeks.

"We're finally gonna get you a girlfriend Levi!!" Hange squeezed his body in a tight hug.

Just as Levi was about to push her away a couple of soft knocks sounded on his door again, "We're leaving a little earlier, hurry and come downstairs."

~~~~

Before the car had even pulled up back at the lodge Hange was already screaming about going skiing. Erwin had asked if Levi wanted to which he'd replied with a scoff.

"Really? Cause there are plenty of chances for Y/N to fall on you. Or you to fall on her." He shrugged.

Levi just rolled his eyes and at that Erwin gave up and now he was standing at the freezing cold railing watching everyone go down the stupid slope for what had to have been an hour or so. How'd he end up with bag watch? He didn't even wanna come outside.. He blew on his fingers trying and falling to warm them. At this point he felt exhausted, absolutely none of his clothes were keeping him warm.

With a sigh he pulled Hange and Erwin's bags up onto his shoulder along with Sasha and Connie's belongings. If he could manage to get upstairs he could warm up at least a little. A hot cup of tea practically beckoning him.

It took him only a couple seconds to realize he didn't have Y/N's bag. He looked around for a couple seconds. Did she bring a bag outside? Did he lose her bag?? He'd only left once to got to the bathroom. Did someone steal it.. Shit. He grumbled in disgust. Where could he have left it?

Feeling a bit panicked he headed towards the stairs. Blood running cold, his eyes practically bouncing out of his skull. His heart stopped at the display in front of him. Jean's hand on Y/N's waist as she leaned forward on the railing. Their lips pressed together..

(Hey Siri, play Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon.)

[thatmexisaurusrex]

The Complete Bucky Quest Saga

Hey, people!

I just realized that I don't think I've ever put the complete list of the Bucky Quest Saga into one post, so I thought I'd do it now.

So here it is! All of the Bucky Quest Saga:

PHASE ONE: BUCKY QUEST

From Captain America: The Winter Soldier to Civil War

1. Bucky Quest 2K14

Sam Wilson’s out on his search to find the infamous Winter Soldier shortly after the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. What he finds isn’t what he expects.

EXCERPT:

Sam stared down at it. Shiny. A bow carefully tied around it.

“The fuck?” Sam accidentally let slip, just staring down at the damned steering wheel the hotel front desk worker was awkwardly holding out to Sam, clearly bewildered.

“He just…left it here? And told me to give it to Mr. Samuel Wilson of Room 1405,” she spoke up, as if she’d said it already, which she might have, Sam felt like he’d been staring at the wheel for somewhere between five minutes and five hours.

2. Bucky Quest 2K15

Sam Wilson, part-time Avenger, was tasked to find a certain Winter Soldier. And maybe Sam had found him. That didn’t mean the Winter Soldier was ready to be found.

EXCERPT:

So, Sam probably messed up? He did a thing for sure. After Flugate twenty-fourteen, Sam had been, well…okay, so Sam had been annoyed with how Bucky lived. Like he wasn’t asking for like a full-on human experience if Bucky wasn’t there yet, but maybe some minimal human needs fulfilled. Instead of going straight home the next day like usual, Sam spent a week moving with Bucky from Bucharest to Bratislava, which, okay maybe Sam sort of abused his power within the Avengers by using his quinjet privileges, but whatever, Sam could do what he wants. Not like Bucky couldn’t, say, cut off the power to the CCTV within the jet so that no one knew he was in said quinjet.

3. Bucky Quest 2K16

Maybe Sam Wilson was a little stressed. He understood Bucky needed time to get himself ready enough to face Steve, but two years was a long time to lie to a best friend, on both their ends.

EXCERPT:

“You’re…still supposed to be in the business center,” groaned Bucky.

Sam shrugged, placing his computer bag down.

“Yeah. I was. Now I’m here. You’re still doing this mysterious letters shtick?” asked Sam, walking over to the bouquet.

“Well. I was. Until you decided to ruin it,” said Bucky, “Why can’t I just send you mysterious letters with bouquets, Samuel?”

“Because I’m the one three steps ahead of you now,” said Sam, smug.

Bucky was not amused. Or at least. He was trying not to be.

PHASE TWO: WAKANDA WATCH

From Civil War to Endgame

4. Wakanda Watch 2K17

Sam Wilson might be a fugitive out on the lam, secretly stopping global crises for a certain alive this whole time Nick Fury, but that didn’t mean Sam couldn’t make time to visit his favorite recovering cyborg.

EXCERPT:

Sam knew nothing about flowers. But Bucky liked flowers. So, Sam would be damned if floral design was going to break him.

5. Wakanda Watch 2K18

Sam Wilson wasn’t sure what to make of his relationship with Bucky Barnes now. This was too close to be friendly, but it wasn’t as if they’d pledged their undying love to each other. Stop thinking about that, Sam. He was fine with whatever it was for now.

EXCERPT:

Sam leaned closer in, just happy to be there, a little blissed out in his sleepy haze with the thrum of a hangover there just enough for Sam to keep his eyes closed, and he wasn’t sure when his fingers started to comb through Bucky’s hair, but they were doing that now and neither of them seemed to be complaining. Sam found a knot and felt Bucky grimace as Sam slowly worked through it as gently as possible.

“Has to be a way to prevent this at night,” mumbled Sam, “What do people with straight hair do? Braid it?”

PHASE THREE: SAM QUEST

The Time Between Endgame to The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

6. Sam Quest 2K23

Bucky was pretty sure the United States Government was trying to push him into a mental breakdown. Or maybe he was just being paranoid. Labeling him as a sentient weapon didn’t help. It would be better if he was able to discuss things freely with Sam, but that was hard to do when the government had Bucky’s court ordered therapist Bucky was very sure was not there to help him reading all his messages, listening to all his phone calls, and keeping a list of anyone who visited him. So. That wasn’t swell.

EXCERPT:

Bucky sighed, feeling around to find the seat he was supposed to be, well, sitting in. And it felt like hours, just there, alone, bag on head, waiting. It felt very rude, if Bucky was being honest. If someone was going to ask him the same dang questions about his “construction” that he wasn’t going to answer, they could at least be on time. Would rather get the trigger words at the beginning over with sooner rather than later.

PHASE FOUR: GULF COAST AVENGERS

7. Gulf Coast Avengers 2K24

Sam and Bucky could run the Avengers. Yeah. They totally could. This could work. Definitely. They got this. Just need to. Make sure the other didn’t stress out too badly. Yeah. Definitely got this. Neither of them were totally freaking out about the responsibility of such a task. How did Steve even do this?

EXCERPT:

Three days. Sam loved his job, but he also only had three days of pure and uncut Bucky before being thrust into some five day chase around the southeast hunting down a weird man going by the name the Armadillo who had been stealing all the armadillos throughout the entire United States to form some giant armadillo army to overthrow the US government and claim Texas as his kingdom of Armadilland. Which.

Why?

Why would someone want that?

PHASE FIVE: CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE SUMMER WEDDING

8. Captain America and the Summer Wedding 2K25

So, Bucky and Sam were planning a wedding while juggling kids and work. How hard could it be?

EXCERPT:

“You seriously have to go and one up me again?” said Sam, because he wasn’t prepared for all these emotions, “Right now? This is a pattern. A goddamn pattern, you hypercompetent asshole. Mr. Grand Speech McGee, Mr. Can’t Ever Have Someone Else Have an Emotional Speech. You are unbelievable.”

“Well, sorry you make me want to make beautiful impromptu speeches,” said Bucky, trying to stop himself from laughing.

“Impromptu? The hell that was impromptu. I bet you were practicing that all day, Man of a Million Plans. You’re such a liar,” said Sam.

INTERLUDES

9. Interludes (ONGOING)

Short stories that take place in between points in Bucky Quest, Wakanda Watch, Sam Quest, Gulf Coast Avengers, and Captain America and the Summer Wedding that didn’t feel like they would fit the pacing of the arcs in those “phases”. Think of these as additional stories, “filler”. They are not necessarily needed to understand the arcs of the “phases”, but they might provide more texture, more depth if you’re looking for more to read within the universe of this story of mine. Odd chapters are steamier, even chapters are fluff.

EXCERPT:

“Stop that, you’re crossing too many wires, you asshole,” laughed Sam, “No more penis epithets. Call it a dick. This is a dick household.”

“Is it? Good to know,” said Bucky, like he wasn’t being the most confusing person on the planet up until five seconds ago, giving Sam a quick kiss before the fucker winked at him, climbing back down his body.

[emily-the-fae]

Sound of a Heartbeat

Part 2. Edge of the Water

Part 1 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6

Okay so apparently this piece has formed some more or less coherent storyline and I just had to write it down...well at least try to. So if anyone enjoyed part one and is in to hear the further turn of events, here we go.

Pairing: Dracula x OC

Warnings: um, none again, suicidal mood a little bit if that counts

Watch out for the side effects of slowly dying by vampire bites (and no, it's surprisingly NOT turning into vampire)

***

Shari woke up in a strangely lit place. Woke up - big word, rather jumped into consciousness with total clarity as to what she is and what happened to her and total frustration as to where she may be located. It was definitely not the place she left. The forest around her seemed to glow light blue, fireflies dancing in the air with their bluish sparks. She didn't feel cold nor warm, all the pain seemed to leave her body together with most of her senses - Shari felt light, almost weightless and when she looked upon herself, she saw that her own body was glowing the same bluish color as everything around her.

She stood up hesitantly.  She had no idea what the place was - the campfire was gone and the forest around was nothing like the spot she stayed at before. What was this? A magic trick? A hallucination? Was she dead? Shari saw particularly bright light behind the trees and decided to walk in its direction - perhaps it was a trap, perhaps she's dead and in purgatory and there are punishing beasts waiting to see her. Shari could never be sure, but felt surprisingly at peace even in her current state, strangely at peace.

The source of light turned out to be a lake. A long and seemingly deep lake that ripped its way through the forest, no end of it seen any near, it might also be seashore, although she doubted that due to abscence of waves - there were fireflies dancing above it and the water seemed crystal clear, even though she couldn't see far below the surface because of the light emanating from it. Shari felt the urge to go closer - to dip her feet in the shiny water, almost felt the need for it, but something restricted her from doing so. She could hear whispers too - as if there were hushed voices coming from the depth of water and that scared her off quite a lot: whatever that thing was, it was definitely not as simple as it tried to look. Her witching life has taught her - if something looks nice and calls out to you, but is also magical: in most cases it wants you to be its lunch. A rule that definitely worked in practice.

The healer stopped still, then sat down on the ground abruptly, feeling awkward in her position; but she needed time to think. This all seemed unexplainably odd - the water, the indecisiveness, the whole place - it seemed like a vague dream even though she felt completely awake. Dracula said it was going to be like sleeping. But by Dracula's deeds she should already be dead. This did not look like afterlife.

Suddenly Shari sensed, rather than saw a movement behind her, ready to jump to her feet and defend herself the best she could, she turned her head to face the source of it. It was a woman. Shari could swear she wasn't there before - a young woman stared at her, standing some distance away. Her beautiful, intelligent face looked somewhat concerned, her long blonde hair thrown over her shoulder, she was glowing the same bluish light as everything else around them. Shari recognised her, very vaguely, but she did remember: Adrian had shown her portraits before.

- Lisa? You're Lisa, right? Lisa Tepes, I know you! - Shari wanted to jump up, but the woman held her back with a gentle gesture of her hand. Lisa - or whoever it was that looked like her - floated rather than walked closer, then sat down next to a very confused and excited Shari, giving her a reassuring smile. There were a few moments of silence, while her guest studied her face intently.

- You are beautiful, you know, - Lisa smiled warmly.

- Wh-What? I mean thanks, but why? I mean... Umm what kind of a conversation starter is that? Are you?... Are we?... Am I not dead or...? - Shari was startled to say the least.

- Yes, you are... Heading in the direction of death, though your friends and specifically my son are very insistent upon the opposite. I believe, you'll have to live up to their expectations and survive now... although it all depends on you, really.

A pause. Shari nodded slowly, taking in her words.

- But-but hasn't your husband killed me? I thought he was definitely going to finish me off...

- He was going to, I'm sure. But he didn't have enough time to do so... or will, for that matter, - the woman turned somewhat remorseful. - I hope he didn't hurt you too much.

- He... tried not to, at least in the end. That's a pity he didn't succeed. I almost felt grateful to him for doing so, - Shari turned away to look at the lake. - It wasn't going to end well anyway...I wasn't going to end well.

- Don't. It's probaly his poison wearing off on your mind, but stilll.Just don't say that. Value what you have while it's still in you. You have to live. Trust me, it's not as pleasant as it seems to be when you get to the other side.

- Why excatly? - a chuckle. - You know, I'm not far from death anyway, it is going to be pain and waiting for me. To go like that is the best way now, I am afraid. Going to be there soon, why not strip myself of needless agony, - she hesitated for a moment. - You are actually dead by the way. If you say I'm still alive, how are we even talking?

- I am not quite sure I can explain this properly, - Lisa frowned, her gaze drifting off to the lake. - The simplest way to place it is: sometimes the people who die are not yet ready to leave this world - and then they stay between life and death, like...

- Essentially, you're telling me that you're a ghost, - Shari felt a bit sceptical.

- Essentially, yes.

- And why am I seeing you out of all people?

- Because I wanted so?

- Why? To tell me to survive?

- Yes.

Shari arched an eyebrow, looking at Lisa with mistrust.

- I don't like this simple tone.

- You are not going to like it, - she hesitated, then continued. - You have to save Wallachia, - the words left her mouth so easy and obvious, that Shari burst out laughing.

- Oh no-no-no, now I'm definitely hallucinating. Is this some fairy tale for children or something? Listen here, you ghost of Christmas past, I'm no kind of warrior-saviour person. I'm not going or willing to catch up to the pathos of "you are the chosen one" or whatever it is that they say in those situations. I believe you confuse me with your son, madam, - Lisa listened silently to her monologue with an amused smile on her face; it was obvious that the reaction was quite expected. When Shari finished, the ghost carried on:

- That is exactly why you have to do it. You are no chosen one. But you are one who has at least a chance. Adrain doesn't. He thinks he does, everybody thinks he does, but in reality it will only go worse if he works out his plan. I know... I don't need you to save all of Wallachia after all, - Lisa paused after that sentence and Shari looked up confused, trying to catch her meaning. -  Just one person - and that will do the rest, - the woman was very serious, and Shari suddenly understood this conversation was somehow real, even if happening in a dream realm.

- And who might that be? - she asked carefully, in a hushed voice.

- Dracula.

Shari actually laughed.  Loudly. Not quite rolling on the ground, but close to doing so. Lisa looked at her, with a raised eyebrow and calmly waited for the small hysteric to finish.

- Done yet? - were her only words, when Shari seemed to calm down a little bit.

- Listen, ok, I get it, you want to protect your husband, but...

- You don't understand! It's not only about protecting him - it's about stopping this war. Peacefully. It's about stopping Adrian from killing his own father - you need to persuade Dracula to call back his army, - Lisa was looking at her earnestly, determination in her stare. Shari only huffed.

- You... How do you imagine me do it? Persuade him? Are you insane? He would tear me apart and finish what he started, he didn't listen to Adrian, he actually almost killed Adrian, his own son. Why would he listen to me now?

- That is quite the point. He would listen, because it's you, - Lisa leaned back, smiling at the confusion on the girl's face.

- Oh yes, and what's so special about me? - Shari replied sarcastically.

- Nothing.

- Ouch.

- Apart from the fact that he pities you, - sensing that she was about to be interrupted, she quickly added. - I've watched both him and Adrian, thinking of a way to figure this out and stop them from tearing at each other's throats, and you suddenly came as the most valid solution I can think of for the time being.

- He... "pities" me? - Shari rubbed her neck, raising her eyebrow. Sure. He pities her so much; she flinched slightly at the memory of their encounter.

- Don't go witty. He does. He was merciful to you, he almost didn't want to kill you, that's why he didn't succeed. You're the first human after my death that he feels this way to... You are a person he did not know before all of this, you evoke his pity and you seem to have the skill to negotiate your way into people's good side and out of conflicts. You may actually have something in you to change his mind.

- That's not how it works, he...!

- You remind him of me. You may persuade him that there are people worth fighting for... That there is a life worth fighting for, - her tone was growing louder with each word, getting more insistent.

- Wait a minute, so you want me what? To replace you? Remind him of you and tell him you wouldn't want it? Tell him your final will, you think that'll stop him? - Shari jumped to her feet, backing away.

- I want you to go to find him. To reassure him, show him pity, show empathy. You will remind him of me. And he will come back to understanding that humanity is not all bad, that some people are still worth keeping alive. And that awar against them is not worth his own or our son's lives, - Lisa stood up too, sensing the tension rise and stepped closer once again. Shari did not like it. She didn't just die heroically to come back and search for yet another heroic and probably much more painful death.

- No, Lisa, I-I see what you want me to... But I'm not you! You see, I'm not you! I can't just go and drag - who? Dracula-the-vampire-king-that-just-killed-me - out of his murderous depression! - she backed away.

- If you had a choice: you can surrender or you can come back to fighting with a new way...

- Yes, I think if I had any kind of choice and if I survived, I would keep away from trouble and try to hold onto my final bits of life for as long as possible, thank you very much! - Shari argued loudly.

- You have to do it, if you live, Shari. It is the only way to protect you and... - Lisa made another step towards her.

- And die a much more painful death, yeah, thanks, great, - Shari almost hissed. Her attention suddenly turned to the pool of water behind her. So that was the whole trick, why Lisa appeared to hold her back from dying. - Oh. I know how this works. The lake is the entrance. My decision if I do or don't die, right?

- Precisely, though it's not really you, who decides. You touch the water - you either leave or wake up. Can't be sure until you do... - Lisa answered. - But before you decide and step in I want you to think. Shari, you have to fight for it, for yourself annd for Adrian, for all the people out there you've been trying to help!

- I am not your son, - she answered barely audible, but firm.

- Shari! - Lisa stepped yet again closer.

- No! I've had my bunch of suffering. I'm not going back in just because you believe I am good for the fight, I'm not! I'm selfish, okay? I did not ask for this, - she paused, glancing at the water. - Whatever it is, let it be. If I die - I die, right? - Shari turned away decisively and with a moment of hesitation made a small step forward, into the water, not looking back at the ghost.

She awaited darkness or light, hell or heaven or emptiness and quiet. Whatever escape was about to come, she threw herself at its mercy.

[badapricot]

If you don't mind, I'd like to respond back to your review of 1000 stars to the specific bullets you provided:

2. My reasoning for when Phupha told Tian to go back is that this is a man in his 30s while Tian, so I've heard, is supposed to be 21 or so, that's a whole ass (almost) decade in between them. Which makes me believe Phupha's whole hesitancy and what you describe as "slow" is that he is thinking that Tian is doing all of this out of infatuation instead of thinking rationally. He does not want to be the reason Tian didn't finish school, if in any case, they break up or he no longer wants to stay in PPD anymore. He feels like by making him stay it'll prevent Tian from achieving his true potential. Especially since he has $$$ and all of his opportunities are so readily available and if not, his money makes it so that it is (I mean that's how he got his heart in the first place). I feel like as the older adult, Phupha feels like he needs to put a limit to Tian's impulsivity (and we all know he's the embodiment of it). He's making decisions based on logic whereas Tian is making his decisions based on emotion (which ngl, makes sense since he felt empty and apathetic before he got a second chance to live). Phupha probably doesn't even feel like its  love, just very strong attraction, so to have a young person be so willing to give up his education, something very valuable, out of infatuation for someone he met less than half a year ago doesn't sit right with him.

3. I do agree with you that their relationship (or whatever it is since they haven't really defined it) needing to end was melodramatic since, like you said, if you really want it you'll find a way to make it happen. I feel like it all comes down to Phupha not pursuing Tian bc he feels he can't provide him with what he's used to or what he thinks he needs.

6. I won't excuse the hurtful and cruel things phupha said to Tian but he was /grieving/ and the fact that Tian said it plain and clearly "I killed Torfun" in front of the /whole/ village is not going to make anyone want to sit down and try to analyze it and find evidence. This is someone who was perhaps like a blood sister to him (which quite frankly, I wish they would have elaborated more of their relationship, but alas. I think people in the fandom are quick to point fingers at Phupha bc the show didn't really /show/ that he really cared for her). If somebody admitted that about a family member you /loved/ who was run over/murdered/killed and didn't receive justice I think anyone would react the same way. We, as the audience, are aware of the events that transpired that night. Phupha does not. All he knows is Torfun was run over by someone, didn't receive justice for it, told Rang and Yod at the funeral he would never forgive the person who did this, months later after loving/liking/falling for Tian finds out through a third party that Tian received a heart transplant the same night she died, has her heart, walks in on Tian telling the village /he/ killed her and that's about it. He doesn't have the details to the gaps in between. On another note, I, too, don't like that he was cruel to him to "protect" him and in a way shows he's not quite ready to be in a relationship or at least shows his inexperience with relationships considering you can't lie to your partner every time you want to protect them if you want a relationship to thrive and be healthy. If it involves Tian then he has a right to know and to solve it together not one making decisions for the other. That part was not correct and I don't like that Phupha made him suffer for no reason, but the first part was out of genuine pain and grief so, for me, I can't blame him for it.

7. Again, They keep going in circles simply because Phupha feels like he could never amount to or provide what Tian is used to which is luxury and stability so he doesn't pursue or beats around the bush because he feels Tian can have someone who's his age and would probably have the same interests and life experiences and is still young enough and just starting life to give/provide him those things while he feels he's already done everything he could do with his life and is content with it.

I think the main issue is the fact that their relationship never progressed. It was all just them staring longingly at each other only for it to be quickly resolved at the end half heartedly. It kinda feels like the 2gether shit where they never really went through the show as an established couple without the drama immediately following (-_-) I wish they had focused more on their established relationship instead of everything else.

Sorry it took me awhile to get to this because of the length of the response.

2. I agree that Phupha is coming at Tian from a paternalistic place because of their age and power difference. Phupha feels responsible for Tian and doesn’t want him to throw away his degree for a relationship with Phupha. That was clear on-screen. But Tian doesn’t have to throw away his degree to be with him and that’s where my confusion and disbelief comes from. Phones and monthly visits don’t exist in the 1000 Stars universe? In real life, people have long-distance relationships for less.

6. I don’t blame Phupha for his reaction after Torfun’s death. It was him continuing to hurt Tian to “protect” him that made me go “Uh-oh is this a pattern?” because it was totally unnecessary. Like you said, it shows how immature he is. He can’t just be cruel to Tian every time he wants him to back off.

7. I was not talking about their relationship going in circles because of Phupha’s worry that he’s stealing Tian’s life. I meant narratively in Episode 9 they went from a heartfelt conversation outside, to slinging insults at each other as soon as Tian saw Phupha talking to his Dad. They’ll stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, and then they’ll fight like cats and dogs, rinse and repeat.

I think the main issue is the fact that their relationship never progressed. It was all just them staring longingly at each other only for it to be quickly resolved at the end half heartedly. It kinda feels like the 2gether shit where they never really went through the show as an established couple without the drama immediately following (-_-) I wish they had focused more on their established relationship instead of everything else.

We completely agree on this. But at least in 2gether they got together before the last episode. At this rate, Tian and Phupha will only get together in a 2 year flash forward and it will be the last 10 minutes of the last episode, when their relationship should have been given more priority and earlier on.

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

[takaraphoenix]

You've said that female characters mostly reduced to the love interests, or that all they're thinking are their bf or love interests. But imo, this case access to the male characters as well. Percy doesn't think about Grover for example, I've always expected it to be there in his mind because of he's his bff. Instead, Grover just is... not that much of important anymore I guess? He doesn't think or concern that much about the demigods in CHB, whether they're okay or not. 1/9

They meet with the f-ing Hercules and Percy never once gets upset or brings the Zoe’s name in the ship. Instead, we see Percy’s making the dam joke in the MoA and saying it’s an inside joke. Which shows that Zoe is still in his mind. But dude, RR, please. If you’re gonna make Percy to come across with Hercules, and never once make him salty or angry with trying to acting on it while the other characters in the ship saying ‘’Percy dont1!!’ Then I’m sorry but what’s the meaning of those cases? 2/9            

7 team dynamic and friendship are basically dead. Riordan puts 7 supposedly all different characters in a ship and all dynamic that exists is mostly the love triangles. I don’t know if you talked about this issue but I’d like to see you point on this. Bc it was an important part in the series and Rick’s not playing with the potential actually is disappointing. He just mostly focuses on fricking romance instead and it’s annoying. 3/9            

Similar cases also existed in first series too. For example worst offender was whole Calypso case. I first thought that it wasn’t Percy’s fault that Gods didn’t keep their promises. But it was actually his fault, and also Annabeth and the others were at fault as well because of they legit thought Gods would keep their promises. I mean, dude. They even broke their biggest oaths and you all know it, and now you tell me that you never once checked out the gods’s jobs? 4/9            

In order to see if they kept their promises or not? Honestly it’s so… dumb? There must be a character development on this, basing on this situation, it does suck too. Percy should’ve learned that gods don’t keep their promises. And he should’ve checked it out himself after the war ends. Let’s say Percy was dumb, but Annabeth? She is a child of the Athena, who supposedly is smart, but never comes up with the idea of checking things out instead of just trusting gods to do their jobs. 5/9            

Or any other character, no one points the issue out. I’m not sure if this case was intentional or not, or RR himself just forgot about this but man, it comes across as such a bad writing. Also another biggest offender was May goddamn Castellan. So RR, you’re saying to me that no one, no Percy, Annabeth, Thalia, didn’t go to her house in order to see if she’s okay or not after war and events?In order to help her case, even if she’s still crazy or is cured? Or, was underw-kiss more important? 6/9            

After learning about her case, none of them didn’t ever wonder? What the actuality? Bob is another big offender. Not because of Percy left him; he didn’t. Bc you see, Bob was never his friends unlike Calypso. He was just a Titan, there was no actual friendship or anything. And it’s kinda dumb that Rick tries to portray Percy as a terrible friend in this case rather than pointing out other issues in his writing. 7/9            

But then in the Tartarus, they built a relationship, this time it’s actual. But when they go to the Doors, Percy never once actually try to save Bob or Damasen and it’s just…. I’d expected Percy to pull a thing in the end and sending them to the doors with risking his own life bc it’s Percy’s supposed characteristic element; he would do anything for his friends. But it just… doesn’t exist? Why it was never a big characteristic issue right there when you had to chance to write it? 8/9            

Also, at the end of the boO, Percy just generally is okay with sending his friends to fight with Gaia. They have a talk with Frank 1 minute, and after that, it’s all okay. No big issue. I guess it was so much challenging to pull that, RR. I believe that there are so much other problematic events but those came to mind at this time. Sorry if this was so much long and salty rant. *looks at the rant and cries in salt* 9/9            

Uhm, so, I love getting asks, I really do. But at a certain length, I think you should consider maybe… writing your own post and just tagging me in it if you want me to see it, because daaamn this is very… very… long. xD”

But yeah no, the boys are just as bad as the girls, that was never up for discussion. The question was just very explicitely about female characters, so I’m definitely not gonna drag guys into that. *chuckles*

Everything in Heroes of Olympus is about the romance. I mean seriously absolutely everything because even the villains shipped it - Gaia wanting specifically the blood of Annabeth and Percy because they totally are her OTP, Arachne having a tapestry of the underwater kiss how the ever-loving did she even know that happened how is that not the creepiest, most inappropriate and weird thing to happen in that entire gods damned series. They shoulda named that ship Ark II not Argo II, because it’s all about pairing up. It’s just that, in that ask, we were specifically talking about the bad writing of the female characters! ;)

Honestly. The Grover thing. I think that’s more on Riordan not thinking about Grover than on Percy. Like. I feel as though Riordan temporarily forgot Grover exists because he was so busy shipping. Because Coach Hedge should not have been on that ship. The satyr to go with them should have been Grover. Grover and Percy should have gotten a proper reunion. Instead, one throw-away dream-spy sequence where we got to see him and Rachel. So cheap.

The lack of friendship dynamics was most disappointing, yeah. Everything was about love. Even the one damn quest where all the girls could have bonded - lol nope it’s not a quest it’s actually a tea party with Aphrodite to talk about your love life!!! Because girls!!! Doing girl stuff!!! Seriously, old straight man writing teenage girls? Cringe.

Okay no I find it really asking too much that Percy shoulda pushed the gods about Calypso. Bear in mind the time. The war ended on August 18th. Percy gets abducted on December 15th. That’s four months. Four months of PTSD, of rebuilding the camp, of having a lot of other shit on his mind. If like… an actual big amount of time had passed and Percy had never checked? Okay. Yeah. That’s on him. But within four months? And… it’s not just Percy who had a lot of shit on his mind, let’s be honest, so did the gods. Tartarus was broken into, Olympus was demolished, very shortly thereafter they started having that identity crisis and souls started escaping from Hades. Four months pass in no time at all, especially when you do have a lot on your to-do list.

Same goes for May. Seriously. It’s only been a total of four months. I… genuinely would not have half a mind to care about a total stranger like May Castellan in the middle of my whole entire world kinda coming apart in a war and me having to deal with my own personal aftermath of that?? I mean, those are literal children who just saw their friends and family murdered in a war and who fought in that war themselves. I really, really do think that they had enough on their mind without caring to check in and see if this total stranger had been taken care of… And Percy, Thalia and Annabeth, were like the only ones with any kind of investment or even knowledge there, I mean it’s not like May was public knowledge and everybody cared. And who knows, maybe Thalia did go there off screen, check on her with the Hunt.

I’m generally not okay with Riordan’s attempt at portraying Percy as a bad friend in HoO. It’s wildly OoC. He established Percy’s fatal flaw to be that he would let the world burn for his friends, but suddenly he can’t be bothered with said friends? Both, Calypso and Bob, as used by Riordan, then the lack of Grover, the lack of… of any big reunion aside from Annabeth. He took this character that he specifically created as a very loving and devoted friend and suddenly made him not really care and also not really making friends. Yeah, Frank and Hazel. But… Percy Jackson? The Percy Jackson from the first series? He’d have been friends with everyone on the ship in five hours flat.

I STILL DON’T GET THE BOB AND DAMASEN PART. FUCK YEAH. Seriously, it’s been years and this still bugs me. That Percy and Annabeth were just like “Well. The doors closed. They dead now. Such a shame”. What the actual fuck was that. Try to save them! You could have still saved them!!! That was, too, so very OoC. Like Percy Jackson would just turn his back and let two of his comrades die.

[hoopdiddies]

I'm Not Over You // Ben Hardy x Reader (Part 7)

A/N: This is probably the longest I've written in this series. Again guys, thank you for the support, your comments and likes mean so much! My tag list is always open so feel free to ask. And on a slightly heavy note: the next chapter could be really angsty. Just a heads up right there uwu

Summary: You had always loved Ben ever since you two met in university and became the best of friends. That feeling went out like a candle flame when the two of you parted ways until he re-entered your life...but this time with someone who has already occupied his heart.

Warnings: Angst, slight drinking, slight swearing, (yeah the fluff is still present)

W/C: 5k-ish

Tags: @haendel-me-with-care

@mrsdoradominguez-barnes

@mickmoon

@lakef

@mrsmazzello

@valeriecarolinaw

@queen-turtle-boiii

Edited// I forgot to link the previous parts

Parts: 6 5 4 3 2 1

(Got the pic from Pinterest hhh-)

Storing the luggage bag you've purchased for a fair price in the spare room, you come across a small box of sundries tucked in one corner with cobwebs clinging to the sides. Your eyes light up with curiosity spiking within you, you pick it up and dust the webs off, blowing the particles away from the top. You squat on the floor and open the flaps, discovering small yet familiar items that had been lost in time– one of them being a sepia-toned polaroid of you and Ben posing dramatically with hilarious doodles drawn on your faces. You forgot about this, feeling a little guilty that you had hidden it away in a drafty box without remembering doing anything of the sort. You flip the picture over and spot a date and an unfinished sentence written in faded ink on the bottom left part. This was taken on Homecoming night.

'I'm not going-' it says, clearly discontinued next to the date. Silly to think that the picture somehow represents a puzzle piece torn away from its board.

You were bound to graduate the week after and barely a day after, not see each other for several years due to your career paths and post-college choices.

You pull on the hem of your shirt, clearing the picture of dust and any more impurities, finally fitting it into your back pocket to finally treasure it the way it was always meant to be treasured.

The door clicks as you bring it close, your eyes gluing themselves at the hardwood floor seconds to having self-pity billow over you at how quickly your tears surface in the corner of your eyes from the memory of Ben spinning Rosy around - the exact way he did with you -and kissing her like she's a pouch full of life.

You clamp down on your bottom lip, trying your hardest not to stain your cheeks with your pooling tears. "Jeez, you just-" you pace back and forth in frustration, balling your fists as you gesticulate lazily, "you just don't get it, Y/N! Ugh, you're so- fuck, just get over it..." Knowing your harsh soliloquy would be getting you nowhere, you snarl strongly at yourself and roughly wipe your tears away with the back of your hand.

"He loves Rosy. F-freaking deal with it!" The reminder takes a hiss from your quivering lips for it to sink in; you have your own place in his life– a place behind the line you'd drawn in the years prior. The friend zone couldn't be any more hollow and cold than it already is.

And a polaroid pic is the only remnant left of how inseparable you and Ben were in the early days.

At the same time you're feeling your heart tear itself apart, Ben pulls out a picture - similar to what you've found - from the inner pocket of his old varsity jacket in the middle of rummaging through his wardrobe. He leaves his room in his pajamas and tosses himself on the couch next to a sleeping Frankie, softly apologizing to the little beagle for disturbing her cat-like nap. As he cuddles Frankie close, he scrutinizes the picture and it's also from Homecoming, but in it both of you are beaming widely with your arms slung around one another– the doodles ever-so-present on your faces. Behind it, the date and the continuation of the trailed-off sentence written at the back of your share of the memory.

'-anywhere at all.'- it ends in Ben's part of the duality. He grins fondly at the long lost picture, feeling twice as guilty for not keeping it safe and...close to his heart, just as he had promised you that night.

- - - - - - - -

In the convenience of Lucy needing some company to shop with for awards season just as she had returned from her get-away with Rami, she drags you along happily, having to pass through you insisting that you stay at home and study but purposefully ending up under her mercy anyway. You couldn't say no to her, she's basically your sparkly, glam counterpart and you're in need of her life-altering sparkles as of now. Especially since you're going to be tagging along with them, mainly as Joe's date cause you know, you're his 'girlfriend' and all.

You're at the mall, in a stylish boutique full of lines of voguish clothing and shoes that could span miles if not compressed together. For once in the hours you've spent scampering around the mall with Lucy to hoard dresses, skin products and make up, you admit that this is the most aesthetically pleasing space in the entire building.

You traipse along a section with black dresses fashioned into different forms, silently praying that what you have with you will amount to at least one of the varying prices.

Lucy's on the opposite side, ogling at the most colorful section in the boutique for a piece to wear. She peers over at you to make sure you've chosen your 'fighter'. A few swishes of the dresses lined up and you do, holding it up high to evaluate the appropriateness.

It's a sleeveless, halter neck satin that's just a few inches above the knee. Utterly backless but it ends right up the small of your back. The fabric is stretchy enough to move around and breathe in as it simultaneously hugs your shape. You love it but gulp as you prepare yourself for the price. Flipping the tag over, you suddenly wish you could let out the biggest, girlish squeal the human race has ever heard with how surprisingly affordable it is.

"Finally picked out yours?" Lucy pokes her head up playfully and you nod, quite speechless but giddy. She makes a grabby hand at your dress to examine it for herself.

Well she's the fashion guru so why not? You hand her the dress and as she trails her eyes from top to bottom, her mouth falls at the simple yet elegant details. "This is perfect! I highly doubt that it's not going to catch every exposed eye present at the event."

Your flush profusely at her comment. "Thanks but I'll be bringing a coat with me."

That triggered her, but of course you're only teasing. "You better effing not." She warns you and you chuckle, taking the dress from her and evenly brushing the skirt.

"I won't, you can sleep soundly tonight."

You assure her of the possibility. As you exit the boutique with a few bags you're not used to holding, Lucy takes out her phone and gasps, her face contorting with a little disbelief. "Uh oh, this might ruin your mood." She hands you the phone and you gape at her confusingly before taking a quick look.

Ben's posted some updates on his wedding preparations, shockingly tagging you, Joe, Gwil and Lucy in one photo. He's pretty busy alright; unable to text or call you for days but miraculously tagging you out of nowhere.

You come to disregard it until you notice one minute but important detail hidden in plain sight in all of his posts– there isn't a single one with him and Rosy together alone. None of such as well on his new ones.

The only post he's had with a close girl is the one with you, which is at the very bottom of his Instagram feed. You won't admit it but it warms your heart a little. Actually, a whole lot despite wondering why there's none of him and his fiancee. You hand Lucy her phone back and tilt your head to one side, suddenly finding the eagerness to go on shopping. "Let's go."

The following week comes as a radial blur contrasted to the slightly moderate one you just woke up from; your manager phoning you up to take the earliest shift you've had in years at the expense of your allotted time to rest, the heavy workload and rush hours in the upcoming hours followed by the slowest progress of filing your travel documents and visa needed for your departure on the 26th. You've got tons of missed calls from your parents and Joe, who's requested for you to pack up early since you'll be leaving for LA with Lucy on the day of the awards but earlier.

Also noting that you still need to double check the costs for flying to LA and back, ruling out the one exclusive for your flight on the 26th.

For mere days you feel as if you could lose your sanity as your life spirals into madness with everything you're required to do– whether or not you're obliged to do it.

But they are effective distractions for that problem you are still very much preoccupied with. That's a matter noteworthy of later discussion. Amidst all the chaos happening, part of you wishes for Ben to reply to your messages or even talk to you in the slightest. You never bothered to call this week since he's tied up but the least he could do is let you know how he's doing, if he's thinking of you once in a thousand passing seconds.

You give up for a day waiting on him and drown yourself in work.

- - - - - - -

Securing your phone between your tilted head and your shoulder as you indulge in your talk with Joe through the line, you crouch and zip your luggage bag close. Your eyes fixating themselves on two, separate luggage bags for two, separate travels.

"Was that all of it?" Joe's disembodied voice asks. You spring up and take your phone between your fingers. "Pretty much. I better have a kick out of something by the time we touchdown tomorrow– it's my first visit to the US." You inform him, leaping into your bed and landing comfortably.

He chortles softly and ensures you. "I know and you can be sure to expect a good par- ow! Bad kitty!" His smooth transition to a yelp amuses you for split second.

"Are you alright? "

"No. I'm finally feline food to my kid." He refers to his pet cat that has taken a small nibble on his finger, in which Joe returns with a light ruffle to its fur. You can't help but giggle heartily at him.

"Anyway, I'm picking you and Lucy up from LAX tomorrow." He gives you that heads up and you bring your hand up to your forehead. "Where will we be staying?"

"I've booked a hotel earlier so you've got nothing to worry about the moment you land." A faint crunch can be heard from your end and you mind to ask Joe about it. "Are you- are you eating?"

To answer your question, he bites down on his food sloppily and guarantees you of what you heard. You smack your lips together as your eyes narrow in bewilderment.

"Does that answer your question?"

"Sometimes you make it easier for me to hit you with a pillow."

"Is that how you treat your boyfriend?" He taunts at you and cackles, his distorted voice bouncing off of the walls of your room. You sigh, defeated by the fact that this charade is still going on. It's silly and immature yet you and Joe somehow managed to stick to the act.

"Speaking of boyfriend though– would he be furious if I told him that I couldn't be there on his wedding day?" Since you're rested and got nothing else to distract you, you pop the question to Joe.

"Ben?"

You hum softly.

"There are two scenarios that we need to consider," on his end, Joe taps his finger on his lips as he thinks of said scenarios, "Best case scenario- he would get discouraged and slightly unmotivated, and obviously sad, but he'd still support you cause that's your dream."

You sit up and twirl the ends of your hair around your finger, swallowing. "And worst case scenario?"

Joe falls silent before exhaling harshly. "You'd crush his soul, heart, everything ranging from physical to spiritual and it would take a toll– and I mean a substantial toll on your friendship."

"Joe, don't make it sound like a prospect! "

"That is, " he adds strongly, "if he finds out that you had meant for him to be oblivious to it." And he's right. But you had a reason. You still do. Even if you do end up telling him and he supports you, you need a great deal of space to move on.

As long as he's committed to Rosy and you're in the sidelines still in love with him, it's just something toxic. You couldn't love anybody they way you do Ben and you feel like you'll never love someone like him ever again. Albeit how clueless he is sometimes and clumsy, you both had survived every storm and wave. So sticking around to witness him give his hand and heart to someone else is torture for you.

"I'm gonna be direct and say-" just as you begin talking, your phone shrills to another caller, cutting you off from Joe.

One look at the screen and your heart begins racing. Speak of the devil. You reserve an explanation for cutting off and answer Ben, clearing your throat. "You're late."

Ben's gruff chuckle welcomes you back. "I know, I'm so sorry. Busiest week I've had and the lady at Starbucks signed my cup like a snail."

"What are you doing tonight that requires coffee?"

"Call me dramatic- or do so, given that I'm an actor- but I just want to stargaze right now." You hear a light rustle coming from his end, like he's seated out on his lawn.

Silently giving him the 'oh really' look, you spread one side of the curtain to let some moon light in. "Ben, you're leaving early tomorrow."

He hums, seemingly enjoying himself. "But that's not an excuse to not enjoy the night." This boy can not get any cornier. You cast your gaze upon the moon, sighing profoundly. "How did the wedding planning go? Good?"

"Hm, yeah. Church wedding, big reception. Whole lot of booze binging planned out. And a killer bachelor party the day after the awards. " He jokes through the line and you tell him off in a playful chide. "Benjamin Jones, you better-"

"I won't. I won't." You sense his gentle smile from your end, checking the time and reluctantly coming to the decision to hit the hay since you'll be leaving early as well. As much as you want to recreate those late night conversations you once had with him, you can't.

"Hey?" You coo somehow.

"Yeah?"

"I gotta sleep. I have to meet Lucy at the airport at 5."

He gives out a throaty grunt as if he's pulling himself up. "Tragic. I'll see you in LA then, love."

Your lips curl up into the gentlest smile with the moonlight blessing it from the window. "You too. Tell yourself and the rest- especially Brian and Roger- that I'm gonna be rooting for you guys to get up on that stage."

"I will. Thanks for the motivation, Y/N. All the words coming from you just mean so much to me. To all of us." And in his voice, you can hear his utmost sincerity and fondness just highlighting his tone.

"Anytime. Now let me sleep, you bloke. "

"Haha, alright. Love you tons, love."

Shifting your eyes to the sky once more, you reply, allowing the words you're about to say to mean more.

"I love you too, Ben. Good night."

- - - - - - -

24th

You had promised Lucy you'd arrive 10 minutes earlier than her and you really didn't hold on to that promise. As soon as you arrive at the airport nearly bathing in sweat and deaf from the multiple rings Lucy has given you, you both take off to the waiting area with your heavy luggage where you spend an hour and a half waiting for your flight to board. Joe has sent two texts telling you that he's still in the middle of having coffee and it's a questionable action since he's 8 hours behind you and is expected to be asleep by now.

You reply with a simple, "See you there" before heeding to the call of your flight number from the speakers.

All the rushing and you haven't had a bite of breakfast yet. An eleven hour flight doesn't sound so bad, as long as you make sure you don't reel everytime you get up to use the bathroom and acquire jet lag the moment you land from a direct flight without any pit stops. The flight is long as you are awake but by the time you fall asleep in between hours, it shortens the duration. The pilot announcing your arrival wakes you and Lucy from the latest nap you've had on the plane. After gathering your luggage and answering a couple of phone calls on you way down the plane, the arrival area is where you spy Joe behind the red tapes, a scarf around his neck and an eager look plastered on his pale skin, just waiting for you and Lucy to step in. His eyes crinkle as he sees you both treading towards him with a handful of luggage. He greets you both with a tight hug and ushers you to his car, assisting with the transport of your things.

He's booked you in the hotel he's staying in to, of course, avoid some minor inconveniences especially since the awards start at 7 pm and you drastically need Lucy to help you prepare. Upon reaching the hotel, he leads the both of you up the second floor and into the hall for your rooms.

Apparently you and Lucy will be sharing which is the great and Joe will be staying in the room right across yours.

After giving yourselves a brief tour of the room, you settle in and unpack your essentials.

"Y/N, bring out your fighter!" Lucy declares with a giggle, pulling the dress she's chosen from her suitcase. It's a purple, off-the-shoulder, crepe satin and black velvet gown that cascades gracefully against the stable air.

Your eyes widen in awe at how it looks against the light. "No need for a match, Luce. You win," you raise your hands up in surrender, "that's- that's catching more eyes. From Rami of course."

"Oh shut it. You'll look smooth in black." She clicks her tongue and smoothens it at the edge of the bed. You whip out yours and hold it up high, wavering a little at how you'll look like in it tonight. How fortunate you were to find 3-inch, black pumps closeted when you were 'panic packing' the night before. You take it out from your suitcase and set it aside before striding towards the blinds, pulling it up and beholding the breathtaking view of Hollywood before you.

Your first visit to the US and you're already headed to the Oscars. This isn't the real life. This is just fantasy.

- - - - - - - -

"We're having a dinner party afterwards, I don't see any reason for two sandwiches before the ceremony." Staring blankly at how Joe's handling waiting for you and Lucy to emerge from your room, Rami purses his lips quizzically– he's come by to pick up his girl as well. The two men look dashingly handsome in their black tuxes and slick hairstyles– their individual charm strong as they highly anticipate for your appearances.

Joe swallows the chunk in his mouth before speaking. "I'm stressed."

"About what?"

He bites down on his last sandwich, dusting his hands off crumbs as he reasons out. "It's the Oscars. Biggest ceremony of the year."

With a shake of his head, Rami opens his mouth to protest but pauses as the creak of the door behind them butts in their conversation. Lucy - exquisite in her cascading satin gown and look dotted in light to moderate make up - emerges with her purse in hand and eyes heady on Rami.

Joe wishes he could loosen some hinges in Rami's jaw since the latter has got his mouth agape at her girlfriend's evening look. To him, she is his ultimate award and he wouldn't have it in any other way.

"Hey, babe." Lucy smiles delicately and kisses Rami's cheek, to which he responds with a breathless, "Luce, you look..." His starstruck silence finishing his compliment for her. Joe hums, agreeing with crossed arms. "I wish I was as pretty as you, Boynton."

"You boys look handsome, too." Lucy giggles softly and Joe begins to wonder. "Where's Y/N?"

"She'll be out in three...two..." As Lucy deliberately pauses her countdown, you come out of the room, head down as you feel a bit hesitant to continue but you regain your confidence and look up timidly– your appearance putting Joe in the same position Rami was just in with Lucy. The dress really agrees to your form, contouring every curve of your body in a semi-sensual way, guaranteeing that you'll be snagging some looks tonight. Your (H/C) hair frames your face intricately with your light make-up emphasizing the color of your eyes and lips. The light brush of air against the skin of your exposed back makes you clutch your purse tighter, deeming it uncomfortable.

Lucy smiles proudly at her work and that is you. "Well, how does she look Joe?"

Joe lets out a hitched exhale, hazel eyes wide as a sinkhole and a slacked jaw struggling to budge. "Like my girlfriend."

"You wish." You can't help but retort playfully and he brings his finger up to his lips, hushing you. Rami compliments you as well and you thank him as the four of you make your way to the elevator– your arm on Joe's and Lucy's on Rami's.

You've taken a limo for the sake of convenience, since Joe and Rami wanted to propose a pre-toast - with the champagne present in the vehicle - to their successes and hard work in the past year. You have faith they'd bring home an Oscar; considering how spectacular their work was portraying the members of Queen. You're also thrilled that you're about to meet Brian and Roger.

The limo parks just across Dolby Theatre and the four of you climb out, making your way arms-in-arms into the place crowded with paparazzi and attendees. You see yourself as a small fish swimming in a sea full of majestic dolphins. This is the big leagues right here and you're not even one bit of a celebrity– at least you feel like you aren't one. After a couple of shoulder brushes with either familiar and unfamiliar faces and escaping the blinding flashes of the cameras, the four of you reunite with Gwilym who has Roger and Brian present by his side. You are introduced to the two Queen members by Joe and you couldn't be any more happier to meet them in person. A couple of moments of interacting with the rest of the crew and cast, Ben joins the 'party' looking sharp and admittedly drop-dead gorgeous in his white tuxedo blazer and slicked back hair with Rosy by his side.

Before he could even reply to the greetings of his friends, he lays his eyes on you and for a while– his pupils dilate and his expression flits faster than he can command it to. He can't believe what or who he is seeing before him amidst all the glam. Letting go of Rosy's hand for a minute, he steps close to you, indescribably captivated. "Y/N...h-hey."

You keep your composure, musing back. "Hey. You look left out, outfit-wise, and a like a million bucks."

It takes him nearly five seconds to reply with the way hes has his eyes transfixed on you. It's like he's seeing you for the first time. Your evening look setting him back to Homecoming night and something inside him just tweaks. You avoid his mindless gaze and break the silence, trying your hardest not to flush. "Ben, please talk. It's just really-"

"You look...beautiful." He breathes out like he had just gotten up from under water.

[yikes-strikes-again]

i've come to make an announcement:

Neil Gaiman is a BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER -

but seriously i want to go off on a very specific ineffable husbands thing in episode 3 for a hot minute so let's blow this popsicle stand

 ~~~🐍♡🕊~~~

now, at the risk of sounding like one of those shippers who overanalyzes every single infinitesimal detail of their ship's interactions, i would like to momentarily draw your attention to a beautiful little moment in episode 3, Hard Times, the first half of which is, as we all know, entirely comprised of beautiful little moments.

so, about a minute into the episode, we get to see the world as it was in 3004 B.C. during the tale of noah’s arc. aziraphale is standing in a crowd, observing the commotion, when crowley (i guess it’s technically “crawley” at the moment but idc) appears.

now, i could go on about this interaction for days if you wanted me to. the fact that crowley greets him by his NAME after 1000 years of not seeing each other, which is an impressive feat of memory even if you don’t consider the fact that aziraphale NEVER TOLD CROWLEY HIS NAME IN THE FIRST PLACE (and yes, i did check). how did he know it? did he ask somebody because he was so curious (awww), or did he remember him from before he Fell??? makes you think 🤔 i mean it’s POSSIBLE that azzy just told him his name after it cuts away but i’m not making this fucking analysis based off of the HYPOTHETICAL god damn it  the cute little way crowley pops up over azzy’s left shoulder (symbolism much?) while azzy glances to the right (which was probably intentional on crowley’s part; it’s an appropriately mischievous thing to do (perhaps even a bit... flirtatious? hee hee hee)), the genuine, pure DELIGHT in crowley’s voice when greeting him, which, contrasted with aziraphale’s nervous reply, is even more conspicuous. like. crowley. dude. you’re not even trying to hide your massive crush at this point.

but this isn’t even what i made this post to discuss!!! 

this is gonna get real long tho so i made a read-more link

i haven’t heard ANYONE mention the significance of crowley’s very next line in this scene:

the smirk. the head tilt that he uses as an excuse to sidle just a little closer to such an interesting angel. the wiggle. head tilt #2 accompanied by inch rested eyebrow raise. the wiggle. the fact that his eyes are glued to aziraphale the entire time. and when he stops talking? oh, i know that look my dude. i see that little smile. that’s the look of Yearning. you’ve got a case of Gay Yearning and it only gets worse. you’ve fallen twice and you can’t get up. not to mention the delivery that i can’t show you through a gif but trust me DT wasn’t just playing up the flirtation factor through his body language, he was using his voice too. he doesn’t sound like he’s talking about inventing war and defying God, he sounds like he’s talking about a spicy little rumor that’s been spreading around the science building that directly concerns the very cute person he’s talking to. like, i can almost see the lockers and messenger bags. 

but more to my point. so, again, it’s been 1000 years since they last spoke, and what’s the first thing crowley mentions? that’s right, aziraphale’s rebellious act of kindness that initially surprised + impressed him! come on, we all love this moment:

*freddie mercury voice*  I've Fallen In Love, I've Fallen In Love For The First Time

what i’m getting at is that aziraphale made such an impression here, on crowley, that it was on his mind for basically the entire 1000 years since eden. enough to go out of his way to learn his name. enough to bring it up first thing next time they met. it’s the moment he remembers azzy for, the thing that sets him apart from the rest. aziraphale directly disobeyed God in an effort to protect adam and eve, which caused crowley to have the first crush in all of history. this we all know. but more than that, it was the first crush to survive a millennia-long gulf of exactly zero interaction god he just fell so in love in 3 words klajfldajsfkldsjf i’m soft

now, a counterpoint. it is absolutely true that their meeting on the walls of eden was hopelessly brief, and very little of their exchange was shown beyond this moment. therefore, there wouldn’t be a whole lot to make conversation about. BUT TO THAT I RAISE YOU the fact that azzy was standing alone when crowley specifically approached him at the front of the crowd. sure, it was probably a happy little accident that they managed to end up in the same place. but i assure you that this was no chance meeting, my friends. crowley meant to meet aziraphale here, and he meant to learn more about this angel who was Different and Not Like The Others and also to ask So What Happened Next? not to mention the fact that he popped up so unexpectedly behind azzy that i wouldn’t be surprised if he just miracled himself there. everything about their noah meeting just screams Deliberation. 

so, here’s my hypothesis for what exactly went down circa 4000-3004 B.C. 

1. eden meeting. crowley catches the gays for the angel of the eastern gate. both of them fuck off to do their jobs on earth and don’t see each other for a long long time. 

2. some years pass. in between temptations and pretending to cause horrible events, crowley’s thoughts routinely turn to the angel he’d met earlier, wondering what had happened to him. what was he doing now? probably some other genuine acts of kindness that came from a place of compassion, unlike the angels he’d known before his Fall. or, what if he got in trouble because of the sword thing? what if Heaven conditioned him not to do things like that again. that would be a shame, crowley thinks. a real shame. 

3. some more years go by, perhaps a century or two. you know what, crowley decides, it would probably be a good idea to figure out that angel’s name (he doesn’t remember him from Before). not out of any personal interest, of course, no way. just as, like, a polite thing. for in case they ever met again. god does he want to meet him again  so he asks around hell, real casual, y’know, like hey, just out of curiosity, does anyone remember the angel of the eastern gate? before they Fell? and some of them are just like Who? and others give him dirty looks. 

4. so he gives up on that for a while once his coworkers really start to get sick of it. maybe does his job, maybe fucks around for some years. but he won’t be stopped forever! he still wants to know that angel’s name. so crowley resorts to some more underhanded tactics. he corners some low-ranking angel who was just on earth for a courier assignment, and they only give him aziraphale’s name out of slight fear. success!!!

5. aziraphale. aziraphaaale. he tries it on his tongue. wonder what he’s been up to. is he even still on earth? hopefully. someone’s got to go out of their way for these guys. wonder if he likes the humans as much as crowley does. probably maybe? i mean if that sword thing was any indication. does aziraphale like demons with long hair, or short? wait. he’s angel, he doesn’t like demons at all. fuck. crowley doesn’t have a crush! he doesn’t!

6. he should probably get back to work. enough of this aziraphale business. psshh. he doesn’t know why he cared so much in the first place.  

7. 1000 years since the creation of the world already? wow. time flies when you’re immortal. although, the weather’s been really overcast lately. is there something fishy going on?

8. wow look at this huge crowd. that sure is a lot of animals. and is that... a boat? what’s that for? we’re nowhere near the ocean. better check it out.  should try to find a spot at the front so i can see - wait is that. is that...? noooo. no way!!!

9. aziraphale holy shit!!! fucking finally!!! wait no i’ve gotta play it cool. can’t act too friendly. he doesn’t know me. probably doesn’t even remember me. off on his own doing really nice things for people. doing really nice things even to his own detriment. i’m not even on the radar. but what if he does remember me? okay. focus. gotta be chill about this. i’m gonna ask him about that fucking sword.

okay hhhhh this was way too long for something so minor but god crowley continues to be relatable as fuck thank you gaiman + pratchett + tennant + sheen + fucking everyone who worked on this

[woolandcoffee]

My AC went out last Sunday. Y'know, the Sunday before labor day, also the week that Arkansas decided to go from having a mild summer to being 80,000 degrees out with about 200% humidity. After being absolutely obnoxius and offering to bring in an AC tech from a company that my property management place didn't use to look at the AC, I was finally able to have them send someone out Monday. It took until Tuesday for me to confirm that the compressor had stopped working, they weren't sure exactly why it had stopped working, and they wouldn't be able to figure out the why until they could install a new compressor. Which had to be ordered from the manufacturer (because its still under warranty and fair enough because a non-warranty part would be in the neighborhood of $2500), and the part won't be here until Friday at the earliest. None of this would be so awful (I mean, it wouldn't be ideal regardless), except that every window in this house is GODDAMN SEALED SHUT. Which, I had just sort of acceoted as a quirk of the house up until this point until people started mentioning that this was a fire hazard and probably illegal. I'm sure it is a fire hazard, and right now it is definitely a heat stroke hazard because if the windows can't be opened then I'm living in the world's most unwelcome sauna. No thank you.

So I called my dad nearly in tears yesterday (I've been communicating with my mom this whole time, I've got to stop thinking of my dad as a last resort), because this is a frustrating situation and due to how the pay structure at my job is, I won't get paid for a full month until the end of this month. Plus my dad is one of the best problem solvers I know. This dude recommends that I take an exacto knife to the windows and try to get those sonsuvbitches working. Well, here it is, 6 in the goddamn morning, and I have easily managed to exacto knife my bedroom window open. Like, in less than 5 minutes I had a fan in that sucker and now the cool morning air is blowing into my house like there's no tomorrow. With any luck, I should be able to sleep in my house tonight.

The biggest downside of this whole thing (and there are a lot to pick from), is that it made me realize I just can't make it to my friend's wedding in WA next month. Even with my mom helping with the plane ticket, I just can't afford to go. Not when I had to stay in a hotel room one night this week and have been forced to eat out to deal with several days of sleeping on friends' couches. Plus, after dealing with this nightmare for a week, I just don't think I have it in me to fly from Arkansas to Seattle less than a week later for a one day event. That's at least 7 hours and one layover each way. PLUS I'd have to rent a car once getting to Seattle, AND I can't afford to get a refill of the benzos I take to fly and I don't know if what I have left is enough to get me through 4 flights without having a panic attack. I'm not looking forward to breaking the news to the bride (we were close in law school, I helped her pick out her wedding dress), but I just can't make it.

On the upside, this whole week has forced me to get better at asking for help and feeling vulnerable in a new place and withr people I haven't know for very long.

Oh.

And I got to see RBG give a talk in Little Rock last night. So there's that.