#But oh well like I said came out fine | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

coconut530 · 2 months ago

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Bump in the Night & Sleeptober Day 22: Rattling Chains & Winged

#6 #Sleeptober #Sleeptober 2024 #Sleep Token #Bump in the Night #Bump in the Night 2024 #Lavender Jack #Lavender Jack Webtoon #Webtoon #IT’S STILL THE 22ND #Hello I am here not late just don’t look at the clock #Uh yeah so I didn’t totally know what to do for this one but I just remembered how Honoria and Theresa got captured so that was that #Turned out really well!!#I love drawing Crabb she always goes right :)#Love the thick lines and coat and expression just mmmm love you girl #And then for Sleeptober it’s Sunny from Covenant Webtoon!#Oh wait need to tag it #Covenant #Covenant Webtoon #ok um yeah. This was in the video I found TMBTE from #Also the video I drew the one for Pyre from #Turned out a little worse than the Pyre one but still fine for it being a side profile #Love how I did the fade of his arms with the water eraser it came out great #Had to like heavily doctor the colors bc the og ones were really weird to work with #Like these ones feel like I plastered red on top of dark red. The Pyre piece it felt like I was applying heavenly light to Ezra’s shoulders #The shading doesn’t feel like shading in this one #But oh well like I said came out fine #Alright uhhh see you tomorrow!!

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thedreadvampy · 7 months ago

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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

#red said #recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis #like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes #and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not #for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening #i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine #as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital #as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin #ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes #some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am #bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me #like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD #there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife #but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't #tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us #like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well #i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point #anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also #been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them #i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it #most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables #honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk #is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry

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nerdie-faerie · 7 months ago

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Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart

#summer camp tag #ace is a mess #i do not have a drivers license and i havent even been behind the wheel in like 4 years since i stopped lessons cus of the pandemic #the day was going fine i got loads done didnt feel like i was irritating my director too bad #doing some paperwork for her and she says when im done well take the golf cart out while its not currently raining #im like ooh fun never been in a golf cart before i see the higher up staff in them im not gonna say no to chilling in a golf cart #i did not realise that meant i would be driving esp when she asked if id been in one before and i said no #she then asked if i could drive and i said not really thought that would be it #cus i was supposed to be studying for my theory before working towards my practical #but no she insists im driving and first off i gotta reverse outta this bay now at least i didnt have to think about gears #but i hate tryna figure out how to turn whilst in reverse in mess with my brain im not great with shape visualisation #we do all our stops its fine for the most part a lil too fast going down some of the hills #and some tight turns but my turns were always like that cus im too busy focusing on the most immediate thing #we get back i park fine and then shes like oh actually there are some more stops we can make so i reverse and turn back out #do our two stops with only minimal confusion about direction then as i go to park into the bay we came from #shes like oh actually park in the bay closest to the health centre and what i should have done was reversed and adjusted my angle #instead i drove directly into the supporting beam separating the two bays 🙃😭#i immediately turn the cart off and expect her to switch with me instead shes like laughing it off oh it was just a little bump it was fine #im like it was not that was a loud ass bang i feel so bad and then she lifts up the light cover i broke off saying its just a scratch #and i feel worse so pf course thats when the camp director comes out to check on the noise and i dont think ive ever worn a guiltier look #but theyre both laughing it off oh just having a little driving lesson :) and i am mortified #she gets back in the cart and shes still insisting that its fine and i should still park after that which i do with great trepidation #but there are no more problems and the lights still work but the cover does need fixing and i just oh my god #ive never crashed before never clipped or scratched a car so of course id crash the golf cart trying to park of all things 😭

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regular-lord-reckoner · 5 months ago

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i’m home !!

procedure went real well, everything was really smooth and almost as soon as they said, “you can count backwards if you want,” i don’t think i even said ten before i was suddenly in recovery and sipping some ginger ale.

honestly the worst part was the iv because they had to do it on the side of my wrist because apparently my veins are crooked ?? i just hate ivs anyway so that’s no surprise but other than that no complaints.

everyone was real nice and made sure i was well taken care of (my nurse even had me pee one more time before so she wouldn’t have to do a catheter which with my history…..thank you)

but yeah, i’ll have a follow up in about a month just to make sure everything’s good and the iud is doing its thing !!

i do have some cramping and bleeding but that’s normal, although a little funny because i literally just stopped my period yesterday but…oh well !! hopefully in a few months i won’t have hardly any so this we can handle and i hace some medicine (and my ~medicine) that’ll help so i’m all set.

mom had to go run some errands so my little recovery buddy is keeping me company. also, a moment of recognition for my new favorite shirt (thank you as always, Boss Dog Art; i’ve already got my eye on another one that says, “i think therefore i am against transphobia around the world” or something like that and it’s got a cool skeleton on it; this is my third shirt from them and they’re really comfy and good quality so not sponsored but check them out, they seem cool):

#It’s been a rough week leading up to this i’m not gonna lie #one of my neighbors was shooting on Sunday when i was in the pool #which i’m used to at this point #but for some reason i got triggered into a panic attack #and could not catch my breath #could not calm down for several minutes just scream crying #had to dunk my head underwater a few times and splash myself in the face #eventually i just buried my face in my towel and screamed cried until i physically had to stop #because i thought i was about to have a heart attack #so that wasn’t so chill #spent the rest of the day shaking #guess you just never know when it’s gonna hit!!#another plane has hit the ptsd towers #sorry #not for nothing though but the shooting stopped so there’s that #they probably thought someone had a fuckin’ ari aster movie turned up over here #nope just a mentally unstable bitch doing her best which clearly isn’t great but what can ya do!!#it was kinda funny though because i’ve been hesitant to go back out there since #but finally yesterday i had even worked longer the day before so i could really enjoy it #it had been sunny all day #no signs of rain #i’m ready to get some exercise in because i knew it might be a while #before i can again so i was really looking forward to a nice 30 minute run #damned if it didn’t start raining as soon as i got out there #and that was fine #i still ran a little got my water weights in #but the kicker was i looked at the weather on my phone and it looked like it was going to keep raining #so i said okay let me just go take a shower and settle in for the night #it didn’t rain and the sun came back out so oh well!#but point is…today went well and i’m doing okay and things could always be worse so no worries <3

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tsnbrainrot · 6 months ago

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#ok so update #i had the eye surgery #dude said it went well but we wont really know for a bit #im prob gonna get more info tomorrow when i see him for a follow up #i kept telling myself my phobia prob just made the anticipation worse and the actual thing would be okay #but it was so horrible #triggered my eye phobia and my claustrophobia #i mean it was fine but the things i could feel and see him do to my eye #even without pain and with some iv calming shit #oh i hated it #and it started with them giving me so many drops and one of them the nurse was like ‘oh you might feel pressure like a headache from this’#yall i thought i was gonna throw up from the pain and i was like tf ????? cos i deal with chronic pain i have threshold #and when thr surgeon finally came to see me i mentionned that i was dealing with a lot of pain from this #and he goes yeahhhh thats normal. young people react p #pretty badly to that one. a lot of them pass out.#……….#anyways didnt pass out didnt throw up go mel #me*#but yeah at least its done #im gonna have nightmares about this #about moi

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ihamtmus · 7 months ago

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#so i had acute tracheitis like two weeks ago #then at the follow-up visit the doctor said i was ok #so i went to malta for my vacation without worrying about the occasional cough that eventually stopped #but then at the end of the trip i suddenly had temperature 39°C #i got better and went back to poland #i got home yesterday but suddenly today my voice is gone #and i started coughing again #so i went to see the doctor at our local weekend and holidays public health clinic #and it turns out i have acute tracheitis (again)#AND i also have acute laryngitis (new)#i had a doctor's leave before my vacation and now i have a doctor's leave again krehxksjkx my boss will be upset but oh well #i'm on antibiotics again 🤧#anywayyyyyyyyy why am i sick again the doctor said i was fine the last time 😞😞😞 WELL #anyway i felt totally fine for 8 out of 10 days there so i'd say the trip was still ABSOLUTELY AMAZING #absolutely amazingggg guys i loved it so much #i'm so glad the sickness came back only at the very end when i had already seen and done almost all i planned so it was okay #it was so wonderfullll i need to show my army followers here some pictures later on because oh man are they crazy #okay rant over i'm going to go lie down #maybe watch a bit of bon voyage on malta lmao it's so fun to watch it now that i've been there myself #my post #personal

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reanimatedgh0ul · 8 months ago

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listen ik lance would NOT be the type of guy™ to watch a disney movie but ik for a fact that if someone showed him treasure planet (2002) he would relate to jim hawkins sm that he would basically turn into this lol

#ok now that i think abt it that person would be ilana if i'm being honest #i think lance would point out the fact that it's a kids movie and that they're not kids so why did she pick that out 🤨#which ilana's like well i picked it bc based on what i read abt it it sounded like the things we have back home (galaluna)#and lance is just like ok fine w/e 🙄#i feel like octus would sit down and watch it w her #ik ilana and octus would know how to make their own popcorn too #i def think the 3 of them have movie nights sometimes #octus would be like where's lance isn't it movie night she's like yeah well he said the movie #i picked was for 'little kids' so he passed on it w/e it's his loss #then i imagine lance comes down at some point to get like idk a glass of water or smth from the kitchen #then lance is just like so how's movie you guys are watching (but def says it in like a sarcastic type of way)#and ilana like oh man it's just getting good so turns out jim (he's the main character) came into possession of a device that's actually #a secret map to planet that's believed to filled w treasure and now him and his other guy (his name is dr delbert)#are going on an expedition to find it :D #lance is like wait rlly :0 (internally thinking wait this movie actually sounds kinda cool what)#lance sits down on the couch and ilana's like wait min i thought you said you didn't wanna watch this movie #and lance is like what no i'm just sitting down for couple mins #i'm totally gonna leave here in a bit ok (ilana's just like sure *doubt it*) and yeah ofc lance doesn't actually leave #watches the rest of the movie w them he just didn't wanna admit it #on that note i also totally think they'd check out atlantis: the lost empire (2001) afterwards #sym bionic titan #robi hcs #robi rambles

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gaytobymeres · 3 months ago

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So it turns out I don’t have anaemia so who knows what’s wrong with me 👍

#doctor didn’t even say like ‘oh your blood came back fine we still need to figure out what’s wrong’#I had to phone and the receptionist was like ‘the dr said the results came back fine’#great what do I do now #fucks sake #like girl what about all the symptoms I told you about??#I know doctors are busy but like. I’m clearly not well 😐

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attractthecrows · 4 months ago

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brooo i hate having Dreams That Piss You Off i woke up all pissed off at NOTHIIINNNNNGGGGG

#dreamt that my ex (platonic we were toxic besties) fucking CASED MY HOUSE #i saw him through the fucking WINDOW taking PICTURES of my FUCKING BEDROOM #shoved my hand through the blinds to flip him off and he took off running #i ripped down the blinds and slammed open the window and yelled HOW DID YOU FIND MY HOUSE #he said something like What and i yelled louder HOW DID YOU FIND MY FUCKING HOUSE. MOM FUCKING MIKE IS HERE #she came up to the window and pointed at him and said I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS #and i climbed out the window and he was like OH MY GOD BITCH CALM DOWN and i yelled HOW DID YOU FIND MY HOUSE #and his backup (of course he had backup) was like oh dude shes pissed and misty (WHY WAS MISTY THERE??) was like PET OMG CALM DOWN #and mike said WELL I HAD TO SNEAK! YOU ALWAYS FUCKING DO THIS YOU JUST VANISH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRYING THAT IS?!#and i yelled HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!! YOU PIGFUCKING BASTARD!!!!!!!!! ANSWER ME #and he yelled I WENT TO THE ARMY!! I DIDNT KNOW WHERE YOU WERE BUT I KNOW YOUR LAST NAAME BITCH and i bluescreened #and he went NO ONE KNEW WHERE YOU WENT!! YOU JUST WENT CRAZY AND LEFT #and i said DON'T FUCKING BLAME THIS (GESTURING BETWEEN US) ON ME YOU FUCKING DUMPED ME #and after some more argument we wound up inside. in like. a dorm common room. me & mike sitting in separate chairs not looking at each other #and he asked how have you been. and i said Fine. How's your mom. (i have known she died for years)#and he went into how she died of cancer that he should have had her check out but he didnt bc he thought it was just her being funny again #and then into how his latest best friend died of alcohol poisoning after mike started a co-binge. and i said im so fucking sorry dude #thats so awful. and he snapped at me Why the fuck are you talking about ME thats all you ever talk about!! youre obsessed!!#and i said What the fuck are you on about and his backup was like Oh please he told us how you're obsessed with him and youre still doing it #and i looked at the backup. and i looked at mike. and i stood up and said Thats all i needed to know. fuck you both. and walked off #turned to misty and said Good to see you again. if you wanna hang out sometime I'm down. WITHOUT (pointing at mike) him.#it was. ph my fucking god. aaauhhjgh FUCK. i hope shared dreams are real i hope he heard the contempt in my voice as i told him to fuck off #and also WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

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perilegs · 8 months ago

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i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans

#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was #a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha''#yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans #i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that #but it's still a bit. hmmm.#also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute #i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way #but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my #wavy hair and slight babyface and round features #which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man #as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this #though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c #well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow #also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which #once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans #the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy #oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute #face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man #and i love that #but also one of these ppl is not cis #if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people #but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans #but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im #living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow #but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl.#anyways i dont want to ruin our broship #i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared #agh idk #leevi talks

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l4tedawns · 1 year ago

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Another day another incident of parent being snarky as a joke for no reason I Don’t know why I bother

#my stepmom can be mean in specific ways for no reason #like it’s not like I’d call her Mean but there’s also no reason to be a dick like that #I offered my dad a substitution for making those like instant pancakes #and said smthn along the lines of ‘yeah cuz when I made them the Other way they came out kinda gross’#and she was laughing and just ‘oh well no offense but anything you make is kinda gross’#and I was like ?????? ‘okay fine then I’ll never make you anything again’#she responded being like ‘oh well those things you made the other day—‘#and I just said ‘that sucks I guess I’m not making you any again’#(she then said ‘well it’s not rocket science to make them’ whilst still laughing)#I made one (1) thing that didn’t go immediately right . once #bc I couldn’t get the chocolate to melt properly #and she had my Whole Family (they came over for some reason) laughing at me for it #my aunt tried being consoling but sigh #can’t wait to move out truly emphatically #gotbeck #beck’s ranting again

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deeisace · 1 year ago

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Alright. Train home.

I've run out of tags so I best shut up before I cry (again)

#very very tired and zoned out #i just keep thinking about my eldest auntie #saying like #oh you only live just there you've got no excuse to hide then #and everybody saying like ill see you soon an all this #which obviously they aren't saying to mum #tho we did sit at the front #mum cried at at um her cousin's wife? saying something like you know you're always welcome or or something #um #which. which she's not really or well she is but it's it's all it's not it's #it's hard to explain disfellowshipping #i don't know how to explain it properly #like if she came back to the truth. they call it. then everything would be fine #but she hasn't and she won't #so we can go to the funeral but not the wake #well when mum cried as that set me off again #and i sort of said through tears like um to my cousin michael he was saying like it's overwhelming isn't it #cs there is billions of family like granny had 4 kids and then their kids and grandkids and then various cousins an all #so even if there weren't the situation it'd be. a lot.#im not used to it at all like im an only child as grew up in the woods y'know #my sister's in the same crem as granny it turns out ive got a map to where she is i never had before #she hasn't a name on the stone but there's gonna be a thing made in february mum says #um so i sort of said to michael oh well it is overwhelming and i wasn't expecting to sit right at the front #and he said well it's only right you are family you should sit with family #which which um #just everyone saying oh it's lovely to see you and oh that's where you live and where you work ill have to come and pop in #and you have to keep in touch #and and and but i can't i can't not now #not when there's everything #not with all the london doctor's things an stuff that obviously they don't know. and i have to leave for good before they do. so so um

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skitskatdacat63 · 2 years ago

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have you ever…. taken your placement exam (sorry bud just checkin in bc i saw your tags earlier)

Hello!! Sorry, I didn't want to answer this until I actually did it! Thank you for encouraging me and checking up on me, I really appreciate it :DDD

#but seriously ty bcs knowing that someone else knows abt my struggle makes me actually wanna do it(if that makes sense)#like i am just the ultimate procrastinator but if someone else asks im like OH god now its not just me thinking abt it shdkfkfl #i guess its just avoidance(since this has to do with something i gotta do in the future)#my cat also came in to check on me :) scared the fuck out of me tho #but like anyways should be fine! when i submitted it it didnt say anything about lateness or anything #just about when id get my results back...which is scary (:#mostly just a little AGHHHHH at my prof bcs i wish he wrote a whole guide to how to fill out my info #like please i am clueless and i dont wanna accidentally fuck anything up 😭😭#okay well thats probably the last school thing i have to for a bit :D #i think i said but i just completely lost all work motivation after i finished all my finals and forgot abt this #again tyyyyyyy hehehe :)#ig i can peacefully go back to monaco 2009 now!#catie.asks.

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kavehater · 1 month ago

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THIS IS SO HUMBLING FR CAUSE the only ppl who did reach out were Hal dahlia and meto (out of the billions of ppl ik)

#and raisa but I didn’t get back to her so that makes me a bad friend in that regard #I should fix that #idk I don’t think I have a valid excuse per se but like it’s a bit valid bc she disappointed me and it kinda added fuel to the flame of wha #everyone else was doing #dora daily #it was just insult to injury even tho she always said oh sorry I couldn’t reply bc ….#you do realise I can tell when someone is making a legitimate excuse and when someone is making up a dumbass excuse ? most of the time it i #not a legitimate excuse it’s just a dumbass excuse #and if you think I’m so stupid as to not see right through that you’ve got another thing coming #you don’t need to make excuses to me out of social nicety you know #if you don’t gaf that’s completely fine I will not hound you to gaf abt me more 🤷‍♀️#like idk why ppl make it seem we’re tied by some indestructible tether #we’re not exactly bound for life if you don’t like me that much #and I wish ppl would be less reluctant to cut ppl off even if there’s no problem apart from the fact that they realise they do not like the #that much !#like istg if you don’t like me that much idm I swear I don’t just cut me off is all I ask #and it’s strange bc it’s like this is the exact same issue with almost everybody I know right now #it’s strange bc I don’t know why everyone’s like this and #it’s odd to see the way this is at such high frequency like ??? questions all around fr #eh whatever #and the thing is I can tolerate rlly bad abuse without a word so I can endure A LOT. but the reason I just stopped was bc my health actually #plummeted really really bad I’d get panic attacks every time I’d think of speaking to someone #it just felt like every time I’d go to sleep and wake up I’d not get any rest or reprieve from that feeling #then came the heart issues like I swear I genuinely in all ways you look at it I COULDNT speak at all #and if you’re like oh well texting is different to speaking #no I COULD speak irl But it’s the texting that couldn’t happen #like if I tried to even if I was miserable I can do things while utterly miserable it’s fine #but this wasn’t even the miserable benchmark it was something so completely unexplored uncharted territory #I’ll never be able to explain what that period was #but do know I hold all who even asked or remembered I existed in very high regard

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arundolyn · 6 months ago

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replaying twdg for genuinely the first time since it came out and MANNNNNN. playing this game with a fully cooked brain. theres some good writing in there. some of the foreshadowing and stuff. oof

#crow.txt #twdgposting #i guess sure #and i forgot baby clem is like. pretty well written as a kid character goes thats easy to fuck up #SHES JUST A LITTLE BABY THING AUAUAUAUUAUU CLEMMMMMMMMMMM.#we poppin the biggest bottles when fucking larry dies i cannot stand this fucking man at all i need him to die faster i need him to explode #i forgot he dies like Literally next episode but thats not fast enough #i forgot the st johns insane shit is episode 2 like MAN it feels like more shit happens before then #bc so much happens There. my GOD.#who up impaling andy st john with a pitchfork. can i get a hell yeah #oh shit the train one is third. goddamn season 1 always felt so much longer than it was #but i guess it was just that i was like.. 12 whenit came out or whatever #but some of the writinggggg ugh like #'aw that was my dad's cane. that thing was used to defend this place better than any guard dog'#and then using the cane to barricade the door when they were leaving......... waahahhhhhhhahhhhhhhhh..#this wasnt writing but when clem was asking about the cane bc shes Six Years Old and Baby #my bf said something like 'her legs work shes fine'#giggled. foreshadowing is a literary device-#also the parallel of lee clarifying that hes not clem's dad all the time when people assume that #and clem doing the same for aj constantly in the last season. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the parallels.#something poignant about a convicted murderer with a life sentence being the most sane decent guy in the apocalypse yknow #i love lee soooooo much i will throw the fuck up #lee everett will see a tiny baby stranded alone and say anyone gonna adopt her and not wait for an answer #the first time i played this i didnt pick up that the voicemails from her parents. her dad was bit they were dead before this started. oof

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featherymainffins · 7 months ago

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I thought I would walk some additional 14 km today and thus burn my accidental lunch (caved into peer pressure and went to a restaurant and had a salad instead of eating my perfectly counted can of tuna) and as such I agreed to go have breakfast with some friends tomorrow to celebrate the end of the excursion.

But I did not walk those 14 km because I wasn't able to get water + I just finished 12 hours of lectures + my arches were killing me + it was raining + I wanted to shower + I wanted to study + I was fucking freezing.

Which means I have to punish myself for my lack of discipline and I also have to make up for the food and that means I CANNOT have that breakfast. In fact I cannot have anything. For 2 days. Just to be sure.

So now I'm trying to figure out what lie I can make up. Currently thinking about saying that I just started to feel really nauseous all of a sudden and as such I unfortunately cannot eat breakfast oopsie. It feels really random and not really believable though.

#god this is so tiring. i wish i wasn't me so i could just live. people don't have to be ideal to earn being tolerated but i do #people don't even have an ideal and there should never be one. but there is one for me and the court of the world expects me to #always fit it. it's a competition and the jury is judging me. I'm constantly trying to win the case. to make the judge rule me innocent #of what I don't know. of everything i suppose.#but it's just exhausting. and I'm not sure if it's more exhausting to just give up and follow whatever the nagging voice says or #if it's more exhausting to fight it. i feel horrible and full of guilt and shame and terror either way so does it really matter?#if i die because my heart gives out or if i die by my own hand?#apparently bulimics have a much higher self-harm percentage but i personally have a tendency to harm my body after i eat #i don't want to do it but i recognise that that's partly exactly why i want to. my emotional torment is probably much more #of a goal than the physical pain. there's a part of me that wants to lead psychological warfare against me #and you know what it's like. it's fine. i accepted that i would die by my own hand a long time ago. I've always said that #i don't know when and that it might be in two decades or a year or a month or a day; but that one day i would go past the breaking #point and kill myself.#i think it's an inevitability of my life and I'm fine with that. someone has to kill themselves. someone has to be that number #in the statistics. there is no reason for it not to be me and if not me it'd be someone else #so it's fine #but yeah it's like...well it's been a run...not sure if a good one...but it's been a run and considering how much i just don't care anymore #i think this time it's really it. and i have a lot of responsibilities so I'm really pissed about it #but listen I'm just exhausted. my every waking thought is plagued by counting and avoiding reflective surfaces and wanting #nothing more than to stare into reflective surfaces for 20 minutes straight and check for every imperfection and irregularity #and check if everything is the same as the day before. i don't know if i should trust my eyes or my emotions or my logic #i don't know which is which. half of my brain power is devoted to making up plausible lies. 'i had a stomach bug earlier'#'im just really nauseous. yea accidentally had lactose earlier.' 'my stomach hurts so i shouldn't eat anything' 'i ate before i came here'#'oh i said i didn't have anything with me? i uhhh i went shopping yesterday evening actually'#i can't focus at all. I'm either too tired or the voice is too loud and too aggressive. i have no idea how I'm going to pass my classes

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