#Btw I literally cannot tell if it's me arguing with myself or some other bitch doing it. I can't tell if I'm capable of that because like.

[sepiasys]

Quality interaction that just happened

I love having a quotebook in SP XD

[vizowrites]

“We” vs “Me”| or “Why BlitzStrike Works So Well For Me But Stolitz [as of episode 6].....Doesn’t”

Alright my Loves, so I said that I was going to talk in further detail about my feelings regarding Stolas and the multi-layered portrayal of his relationship with Blitz in the new episode, and today’s the day where that happens!!  First of all, though, before I really get into my feelings about things, I want to just make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I’m not trying to sway anyone from one side to the other, or trying to shame anyone for shipping two fictional characters.  I’m fully in the boat that you are completely entitled to ship whoever you want, but I also think it’s wise to at least be able to recognize the faults and flaws in a pairing--and especially to be able to recognize them in the context of an IRL relationship.  In this analysis in particular, I’m specifically focusing on these two relationships within the realm of the Helluva Boss universe [......Hell] and within the specific context of their characters as they’ve been portrayed in the show thus far.  And, my biggest disclaimer of all: I’m doing this for no other reason than I felt like putting my jumbled thoughts together into a cohesive post so that they don’t have to stay bouncing and buzzing around in my head.  Please keep that in mind that this is just pure personal opinion and interpretation before anyone comes at me with torches and pitchforks.  <3 <3 

SO WITH THAT LONG ASS DISCLAIMER OUT OF THE WAY 

Let’s finally get to the good stuff.  And the not so good stuff.  :D

So I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone who follows me here that I’m a huge BlitzStrike fan.  What I think fewer people know is that when I first entered the fandom a few months ago, I actually was on board the Stolitz train like so many others that I’ve met here in the fandom.  Naturally Stolitz was the first major pairing I was introduced to, and I did find both the characters of Blitz and Stolas incredibly interesting and compelling in their own rights AND saw the potential in how they could really come to grow into one hell of a relationshp over time.  I was honestly really excited to see it happen, too.  

And then I watched Episode 5 [still my favorite episode, btw] for the first time and had this sudden question hit me like a truck that even now is still relentlessly burning in the back of my mind because I still haven’t found a legitimate answer for it: Why in the FUCK wasn’t Blitz falling head-over-heels in attraction to Striker throughout this fucking episode??

And I don’t mean that in a “They’re so hot and I ship them now why didn’t they get together?? DX DX” kind of way--I mean that in the genuinely perplexed “I don’t understand based on what has been presented to me thus far about Blitz as a character and the storyline overall why he’s reacting so nonchalantly to this whole thing”.  To Note: This is me wondering this from the context of what’s in the show itself, not from any extra fan materials like the Instas or Twitter or just straight up knowing that the most likely answer is that there are people on the creative team that ship Stolitz really hard and realistically wouldn’t have probably written Blitz as being attracted to Striker because that would just be--to quote Jack Sparrow--blowing holes in their own ship.  No, this is me disregarding ALL of that and trying to rationalize this with myself from the perspective of a fan whose entire knowledge of the show and its characters comes exclusively from what’s in the episodes themselves.  .....And that’s where I just can’t find my answer, except for the Stolitz positive “He’s not attracted to Striker because he’s in love with Stolas” answer.  Which really doesn’t even feel like a satisfying answer, because the entire vibe I’ve gotten from Stolitz in the show has just felt.....strangely.....off.  Like, the framework is there and the elements are there, but I’d felt as though they had so far to go still that it would be entire SEASONS before they got there.    

And THEN the new episode [Episode 6] came out and I’d heard a handful of fans going crazy because the show was finally addressing Stolitz in full, and I thought to myself, “Well, maybe if the show really is going to go with saying that the reason Blitz wasn’t interested in Striker is because he’s in love with Stolas.....sure.  I’m curious to see how they finally establish it in an episode, especially since there’s only two more episodes left in the entire first season.”  And then I watched the episode.  And then it hit me why Stolitz just does not do a damn thing for me but BlitzStrike does despite the fact that we’ve had 4/6 episodes [5/7 if you count the Pilot] of Stolitz but only 1/6 [1/7] of potential--not even canonical--BlitzStrike:

When Striker talks about Blitz, or interacts with Blitz, he always talks about them as a “we”.  As a team.  A partnership.  OR he just straight up puts the entire focus on Blitz and his accomplishments and keeps himself out of it entirely.

When Stolas talks about Blitz, he always talks about them within the context of “me”--of himself--of what Blitz does or should do for him.  Even here in episode 6, in the most “selfless” instance we’ve seen yet, where he does ask about Blitz’s safety first BEFORE going right back into how Blitz’s actions affect him and what Blitz should be doing in response for him.  Stolas’s focus is always automatically set to himself--and even when it comes to the people he supposedly loves the most.  

To explain what I mean here, let me give some examples directly from the show itself, starting with the Stolas side of things: 

Episode 1

Blitz, in the middle of trying to hide so much that he actually clamps both of his hands over his mouth just to muffle the sound of his own breathing, knowing damn well that this psychotic bitch who already shot him once won’t hesitate to do it again if she finds him.....gets a call from Stolas.  Stolas, who we clearly see from his leisurely hang out time in his bubble bath, is literally watching this happen and is fully aware that calling Blitz right then was potentially putting him in danger. But what does he say when he gets Blitz on the phone?  He offers--not help--but Blitz the use of his book in exchange for monthly sex.  Stolas literally uses Blitz’s peril as leverage here--consciously or not, though given the fact that he knows the situation at hand, I’d find it very hard to argue that he didn’t do this on purpose--just to get him to agree to be his bootycall until further notice.  

Stolas not only doesn’t lift a finger to help Blitz once in all of this--even at the moment where he and Millie are about to be shot in the face--but instead continues to stay on the phone talking about all of the things he wants for their upcoming future rendezvous.  He already got exactly what he wanted out of this and he still just continues to go for more for himself.

Episode 2

.....There are honestly so many fucked up things that happen here as far as Stolas and his relationship with Blitz goes but honestly the thing I want to draw the MOST attention to is actually Stolas’s storyline with his daughter, Octavia.  I know it’s a little left field, but bear with me--this is actually something I want to use as comparison for Stolas’s relationship to Blitz as we go along:

When Stolas first decides that he’s going to take his daughter to Loo Loo Land, he does so while completey setting aside the fact that she doesn’t want to go.  He just offers her assurances that it’s going to be so much fun because he remembers that she loved it so much when she was a little girl--effectively putting his memory above her wishes even as she’s sitting right there and telling him that she doesn’t enjoy the idea of going now.  

Stolas doesn’t actually notice just how uncomfortable he’s making Octavia throuhought their entire trip by spending his time sexually harassing paying more attention to Blitz than he is trying to cheer her up.  This tells me that Stolas--though I do believe he genuinely wanted to do something to make her happy--still wasn’t able to completely overcome his own self-centered tendencies at first even when it’s for her.  And this is the person that Stolas loves more than anyone or anything else in the entire world. It still wasn’t enough.

It’s only when Octavia runs off and completely breaks down that Stolas finally gets the much needed slap-to-the-face of reality to understand just what he’s putting his daughter through--and, for the first time in the entire show, he actually puts someone else’s needs and well being above himself.  It’s the one solid honest display of love that we see from Stolas in the entire show--and it’s how we as the audience come to learn that that’s how Stolas shows that he loves someone: When he puts their needs above his own with no strings attached or expectations of something in return.  A true selfless act just because he loves them.  **Keep in mind the parallel of Stolas carrying Octavia out of Loo Loo Land at the end, and how it compares to Stolas carrying Blitz out of D.H.O.R.K.S headquarters.

Episode 5

The. Fucking. Cigarette.  I had no idea that something so small and quick would be able to infuriate me as much as it did, but the fact that Blitz used the post sex cigarette to free Stolas from his wrist bondage but then Stolas turned around and put the cigarette out on Blitz’s horn which is literally a part of Blitz’s body just.....honestly it sums up exactly what I’m trying to get across in this entire huge ass post: Stolas only ever thinks of himself first and anything pertaining to anyone else just doesn’t cross his mind at all unless you blatantly put it there in front of his face.  And the fact that he’s still at this point with Blitz all the way here in Episode 5 is not.....promising for their relationship.

The fact that Stolas literally cannot stop himself from calling Blitz “Blitzy” or talking to him in such a condescending way no matter how frustrated Blitz gets and how many times he asks him to stop.  I just--how is that supposed to be interpreted as someone talking to a person that they love?  There’s no respect or dignity given to Blitz at all on Stolas’s part, and the fact that it seems to be presented as a “Oh teehee it’s just their cute couple thing” is just.....I really, really don’t like that.  It also doesn’t match with the Stolas in the very next episode which I quite frankly think is because the creators have been listening to the feedback from fans and were like “We need to SHOW THEM that Stolas actually does speak to Blitz respectfully!!” but that’s just my personal opinion there and, also, it still didn’t happen.  

Episode 6 

Keeping in mind that THIS is finally the episode where we see Stolas actually save Blitz from danger and demonstrate even the slightest inclination towards his well-being.....I think that honestly makes the next few things here even more fucked up

First and foremost: “WE”.  The second after Stolas asks if Blitz is alright and gets the assurance that he is, he roughly grabs his cheek and points out that “If you get in trouble, I get in trouble!  WE don’t want that”.  The fact that this is the first time that Stolas ever talks about Blitz in the context of “we”--when really what he’s really saying is that him [Stolas] getting in trouble is going to be a bad thing for all of them--is just.....so, so disappointing.  At least with this I could hope that perhaps the idea here is that Stolas is genuinely afraid that if he gets in trouble, he won’t be able to protect Blitz from the undoubtedly much worse trouble that he would be in as an imp, but still.  The fact that Stolas immediately reverts back to his self-centered perspective so quickly after supposedly being so worried about Blitz’s wellbeing, really makes it seem as though it’s just his own ass that he’s trying to protect.  And that.....isn’t  exactly what I’d been expecting from “the episode that confirms Stolitz is canon” feedback I’d been hearing.

"Am I going to get ANY thank you for the rescue Bltizy?”  This for me was kind of what actually lead to me having this whole epiphany over Stolas’s selfish perspective in the first place.  I realized that even here--even when he’s just been the most “romantic” towards Blitz that he’s ever been in any previous episodes up until now [and yes this shift in his character was incredibly jarring for me because of that]--Stolas still goes right back to thinking about what he’s going to get out of this now that he knows Blitz is safe.  Let’s take this back to that thing I was saying about Episode 2 and comparing how Stolas rescued Octavia and how he rescues Blitz.  Obviously they’re going to be different because it’s Stolas’s daughter vs his hook up BUT just think about where the focus is for Stolas in both of these scenes.  With Octavia, Stolas is entirely focused on making things up to her--taking her to do something she wants to do--even if it’s something that he himself doesn’t fully understand or isn’t fully into.  That doesn’t matter though, because the entire point is that he’s doing something just for her.  It doesn’t have to be about him.  But now go back to the scene where Stolas is carrying Blitz out of the room.  What does he do?  Ask what Blitz is going to do for him.  That just takes the idea that this scene was a confirmation of their love and throws it right out the window.  Stolas--as we’ve been shown before--would never ask for something in return from someone that he actually loves.  

Now let’s take a look at the one and only episode we have of Striker and Blitz interacting together, with an honorary shout out at hallucination!Striker’s appearance in Episode 6: 

Episode 5: 

Striker knows Blitz’s name.....and he uses it.  He’s literally the ONLY other character that we’ve seen so far refer to Blitz as “Blitz” instead of “Blitzo” or “Blitzy” by someone who wasn’t a member of I.M.P..  Aka someone who wasn’t a member of Blitz’s family.  He shows Blitz respect at that basest level, and only builds on that from there going forward.

Striker first recognizes Blitz for being “the bold imp that started his own killin’ biz”.  Not his hotness, not his skills in the Harvest Moon games because at that point he hasn’t seen them yet.....but for his accomplishment in starting up his own successful business down in Hell.  He treats it as an accomplishment.  With the kind of respect that comes with acknowledging another person for their accomplishments.  Right there, within two seconds of meeting him, Striker demonstrates more respect for Blitz than Stolas has yet to do in the entire show.

The Harvest Moon Festival Games.  Now this is something I find fascinating to think about from Striker’s perspective in particular.  We as the audience are shown pretty early on that Striker has a strong desire to be the one who comes out on top.  He likes the idea of being superior and he openly relishes in the praise and attention he gets for being better than everybody else.  ....Except Blitz.  When they tie in the games, Striker doesn’t seem bothered with sharing the spotlight with him at all.  If anything, he--again--respects just how skilled Blitz is in rightfully earning his place beside him on the stage.  That, to me, is HUGE.  I’m not going to go so far as to say that Striker necessarily sees them as equals because I think that might be going a bit too far for his ego but he does still fully acknowledge that Blitz is in the same general class as him: that is to say, better than most.  Worthy of the same kind of acknowledgement and praise that Striker gets.  I literally can’t get over just how big of a thing that is for what we’ve been shown of Striker’s character, and I think it’s unfortunately something that’s incredibly easy to miss or gloss over. :(

And now--for what I personally think is the most significant thing of all--we have: “We”.  How many times does Striker suggest during that final scene between them that he really wants Blitz to join forces with him as equals?  He never demands that Blitz join up with him, he doesn’t threaten him into joining up with him--Striker barely even hurts Blitz at all during their fight scene compared to how he tried to straight up murder Moxxie--and, most of all, Striker continues to acknowledge that Blitz deserves better than his current arrangement with Stolas.  And he’s right.  But instead of putting it as “I’M right and this is why you should do this”, he always puts his focus on Blitz himself, or the two of them together as a partnership:  “You are so above sucking on a a digusting rich pompous Goetia” | “We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitz” | “You could partner up with me and klll the unkillable--starting with the one that treats you like a plaything”.  It’s just--I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to put together why Striker appeals so much more to me as a romantic interest for Blitz, but really breaking it down episode by episode and comparing the differences in wording between Striker and Stolas’s dialogue when it comes to Blitz is just.....holy shit. 

Honorary ShoutOut of Episode 6: 

The fact that the only thing hallucination Striker has to say to him is “But you don’t want to do things alone Blitzo!” is really, really interesting to me in the fact that he’s.....not......wrong??  Like, To be fair, Striker, RoboFizz, and Verosika all spill their harsh truths, but the thing is.....Striker’s is markedly different in that his wording really isn’t harsh or aggressive at all the way the other two are.  He’s just kinda stating a fact in an overexaggerated way because tripping balls hallucination sequence.  It’s very interesting to me that that’s the worst that Blitz can imagine him to say--as well as the fact that halluci!Striker calls him “Blitzo”, which is really weird considering that Striker’s never called him “Blitzo” once in the entire show.  Makes me kinda wonder where that came from tbh. 

Alright so, in conclusion of this very long and rambly styie post: I want to take things back to where I started by reiterating that this is not me trying to convince anyone that BlitzStrike is “right” and Stolitz is “wrong”, or that you should stop shipping what you’re shipping in the fandom.  This was just me honestly getting way more excited than I should’ve been over having my “Eureka!” moment for realizing why this new episode didn’t put me back on the Stolitz train like it did for so many other people--and why, in fact, it actually made me think even more favorably of the idea of Blitz and Striker being together.  

Thanks for sticking around with me for this very long read, I hope you found it interesting, and I really really hope that it didn’t piss anyone off or rub too many people the wrong way.  Like I said at the beginning, ship who you want to ship!!  That’s part of the fun of being in a fandom.  I’m just hoping that this might help make it easier to understand at least one perspective on why Stolitz is seen as being so problematic as a ship [as of where they are right now].  

Here’s to seeing where things go from here!! 

[light-of-being]

a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

1.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

2. 

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

3.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

5. 

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

6. 

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

.

.

.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz/dbo 23.05.17 lb

day 2! please god, let this be a better episode than whatever yesterday was. 😕😕😕

plain text version here. 

oufffff shivaaaay, such screamy. 😣😣😣

ohhhhhhh shit. i thought this was part of the "plan" he made with anika, but nope. BIG BROTHER KNOWS. AND HE IS NOT HAPPY. 😬😬😬

haaaaye, look at this innocent praani. “mujhe kuchhhh samajh mein nahi aa raha haiiiii.” pffft. 🙄🙄🙄

i'm totally relating with shivaay's teeth-grinding waala gussa. kyunki is nikkame ne kaam hi aisa kiya hai. 😠😠😠

before anyone accuses shivaay of being a hypocrite considering how he himself got married, lemme jump to his defense real quick: shivaay's always seen himself as the big bad wolf who does all the dirty work to protect the fam. he does the things he does SO THAT omRu can maintain their innocence and go through life as "the good ones" who never have the bear the weight of such actions on their consciences. i imagine he's very disappointed and angry that om too, fucked up at the start of his marriage in almost the exact same way he did (which is something he still hasn't forgiven himself for, even if anika has.) 😔😔😔

... suddenly subha's nose looks... not that different???? or have i just gotten used to it? 🤔🤔🤔

pffffffft, shut it buamaa. at this rate, shareef toh bas rudra bacha hai. warne baaki sab ke sab... khair chodo. 😒😒😒

"hum teeno ne kuch decide kiya tha, ki ek dusre se kuch chupaayenge nahi"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK SURE SHIVAAY. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

says the guy who JUST THIS MORNING was avoiding rudra's calls so that he didn't find out sahil had been kidnapped. lmfao, ok NOW you guys can go ahead and call him a hypocrite. 😊😊😊

ouff shivaay, i know this is 45 min ka episode and tujhe lamba kheenchna hai, but JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY. 😒😒😒

lol om and jhanvi's “oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit” faces. 😆😆😆

yup, the chairman of Organization for Upliftment of Oberoi Bahus is carrying out his duties much seriously. 😊😊😊

lmao pinky's face be like "ab yeh nayi gareeb kaun hai???" 😂😂😂

lmaoooooooo, way to drop a bomb on dadi, billu. socha bhi nahi ki woh buzurg hai, and the last time you pulled this shit nearly killed her???? she had to go on like, 4 theerth yatras to get over it.  🙃🙃🙃

lollllll rudra-anika arguing terminology. 😂😂😂

shivaay's pulling a real anjali from IPKKND on finding out about baby bro's secret wedding. 😗😗😗

no for real he looks so hurt tho. someone give my boy a hug. 😞😞😞

all i want to know is this: does shivaay know that this bulbul is the current maarta hua chulbul???? 😆😆😆

ohhhhhh boy. buamaa ne bhaanda phod diya. 😬😬😬

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER. 😑😑😑

and pinky, tum toh chup hi raho. badi aayi bataane waali. 😤😤😤

oh shit, NOW WHAT???? 😧😧😧

how did she escape the cops alreadyyyy??? 😯😯😯

OMG WHAAAAAAAAAAAT. i thought shivaay would be the one to face offfff with fauxlana, but IT'S JETHANI JI JR. TO THE RESCUEEEEEE. 

lol ok, too dramaticccc anika. tone it down a little. 😗😗😗

wah. devarji gets in on it too! 😊😊😊

all i want in life is a devar like rudra. 😘😘😘

lmao, though we've never seen you use this body rudra???? your brothers are always having to do the haathapai themselves. 😕😕😕

lo, bade bhaiyya bhi utar gaye maidan mein. ab toh haar maan lo, behenji! 😂😂😂

lol, how much older than SHIVAAY is svetlana supp to be???? 🤔🤔🤔

also hello, what happened to that fast approaching birthday of shivaay's? did we miss it? 😐😐😐

again, no one is bothering to ask her WHY SHE WANTS TO DESTROY THEM. they're just like “yeah, everyone wants to kill us, we're used to it now. 🙄🙄🙄”

bua maaaaa, you're just adding flame to fire. kyun bechaare shivaay ko aise jalaaa rahi ho? 😟😟😟

aw. billuuuuuu. *pats his floofy hair* 😔😔😔

"O bhi bareilly jaake SSO pt. 2 ho gaya."

and therein lies the root of all the problems. and awwwww, poor rudy boy was feeling left out. 😪😪😪

MAN I MISSED THE OBROS. I REALLY REALLY MISSED THESE BOYS AND THEIR BONDDDDDDDDDDD. WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE ONE SHOW AGAINNNNN?????? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

ok this “one for all bs” i did not miss. 😒😒😒

OBRO HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 *THROWS MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS HANDSOME MAN SANDWICH AND ABSORBS ALL THE LOVE* 😚😚😚

mystery solved: shivRu didn't know chulbul = bulbul. 😅😅😅

LMAOOOOOOOOO SHIVAAY'S FACE. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

ok, i guess everyone's just glad om didn't threaten rape/kidnap anyone to coerce gauri into marrying him that they're all like YAAAAY WEDDING TIME HAPPY TIME. 😕😕😕

dadi doesn't have naseeb to watch any of her kids' weddings. ab bas prinku ek aakhri umeed ka chiraag bachi hai. 😌😌😌

shivaay toh chun chun ke badla le raha hai. if he had to go through all that, he's gonna make damn sure that om suffers through it all too. 🙃🙃🙃

lolololol om's face. so enthused. 😐😐😐

ok shivaay has a lot of opinions on ladkiyaan and their shaadi ke sapne and armaan. 😕😕😕

you guys, don't come for my boy like thisssss. HE'S TRYING OK?????? 😖😖😖

shaadi ke 6 mahine BAAAD pre-wedding functions. this fam is fucking bonkers. chalo, mainu kiiii. maine toh bas dekhna hai. 🙄🙄🙄

i was just thinking where this tikiya chotiiiii was. 😑😑😑

anika ne toh matlab, full on adopted gauri. she's the rudra to gauri's anika. 😊😊😊

which bhaabi you talking to? use their names, kid. 😐😐😐

aaaaaand her nose is back to looking f'd up. 😕😕😕

lmaooooo i missssed rudra's taaang adaaana so much. 😂😂😂

"MAIN jaa raha hoon" 

*firmly grasps HER hand and quickly pulls her along* 😏😏😏

snorttttttt, rudra. ek hi dialogue kitni jagaon pe maaroge? 😆😆😆

lol all the big brothers taking their wives and leaving poor rudy boy alone. 😂😂😂

OMG GOOD DADI STILL CONSIDERS SUMO AS "BIWI". 😧😧😧

pleaseeeeeeeeeee god, let all this love ka magiccc shit be referring to SAUMYA. 💗💗💗

siiiiiiiigh, i guess this is our new girl. *moodily stares at her* 😕😕😕😒😒😒

YAAAAAAAAAS, ANIKA/GAURI BONDING!!!!!!!!! THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE FEBRUARYYYYYY!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭

... what about the super serious conversation om took gauri to have tho???? 🤔🤔🤔

omfg pinkyyyyyy i hate youuuuuu. please die, thanks. 👿👿👿

hee hee hee, rudra getting his two grumpy older brothers ready. 😂😂😂

lmaoooo om's frustration with his jackettttt. what a child. 😆😆😆

"UNCLE" omfg. 😂😂😂

the uncles do not look amused. 🙈🙈🙈

let's all take a moment to appreciate shivaay in black tho. haaaaaaye. i am truly blessed today.  😻😻😻😻😻😻

"apne bhaiyya saade dus se pehle so jaate hai. o saade dus ke baad hi dikhta hai, aur mera kya hai, main toh dikhta hi nahi hoon!"

lolololol dude, i love these meta jokes ok. they never get old to me. 😂😂😂

yeah, how many times have you idiots made this promise to each other? fuck it, just give up now. 🙄🙄🙄

my man rudra spitting the truth about how fucked up this house is. WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE GIRL IN THE FREEZER. 😫😫😫

"ek ghante ka episode hai. mahasangam." 

snort. 😂😂😂

looking gooooooood, 3rd generation oberois. i love prinku's earrings. 😍😍😍

waaaah, synchronized entry by the girls. 😌😌😌

look at the contrast in faces of the boys tho. 😂😂😂

meme time! your crush looking at you when you enter a room.

expectation: 

“OMFG. AN ANGEL. MUST KISS NOW.” 

reality:

“WHO DIS BASIC?” 

hey guys??? where's tej? did 🐊🐊🐊 jango 🐊🐊🐊 eat him when no one was looking? 😶😶😶

ok that was a realllllllllll contrived fall. BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING, BECAUSE HAAAAAYE LOOK HOW BOOTIFUL MY BABIES LOOK. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

HOLY SHIT BOY. HOW YOU LOOK AT HER LIKE THIS AND NOT KISS HER??? HOW???? 😫😫😫

excuse me for a bit, i need to pause and admire his expression for 5 minutes. 😍😍😍

"thande thande paani se nahaana chahiye, shivaay bhaiyya ko anika bhabi ko pakadne ka bahaana chahiye." 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 😂😂😂

btw, does om not do shayari anymore? ghatiya as it was, i miss it. 😢😢😢

HOOOOOOOOOLY SHIT. 😧😧😧

MERI MAANO SHIVAAY, FUCK THE FUNCTIONS, JUST TAKE THE GIRL UPSTAIRS AND BANG. 😯😯😯

"isse zyaada pyaar se toh police chor ko pakadti hai" 

pfffft, i'm sure fauxlana would disagree with you, dadi. 😝😝😝

ugh ommmmmmmmmmm. you're such an asshole these days. you need another talking to from bhaiyya and jethani ji, methinks. 😒😒😒

rudra, please be the checks and balances that the messed up riKara relationship needs right now. 🙁🙁🙁

he's trying to tell you that you look hotttt, girl. let him. 😏😏😏

haaaaaaaaye, theirrrrr smilessssssss. my babiesssssssssssss. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

OMGGGGGG HE CALLED HER "KHIDKIIIIIIITODDDD KHOOBSOORAT" I CAN'TTTT HANDLEEEEEEE. I... THEY'RE... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

PINKY GTFO WITH YOUR BURI NAZAR. *waves nimbu mirchi around my children's head* 😠😠😠

ugh whyyyyyyyy is pinkyyyyy even here i hate her so much she's ruining everythinggggg I JUST WANT MY GIRL TO BE HAPPYYYYYYYY 😩😩😩

goddamn, nakuul just looks too fucking handsome today. they shoulda chipkaofied disclaimer at start of episode so i could have mentally prepared myself. 😣😣😣

"warning: show ka hero aaj full black pehne hue BEHADH AMAZEBALLS lagta hai, aur pyaaaar bhari aankhon se heroine ko ek ghate ke liye lagataar dekhta hai. kripya show saavdhaani se dekhein." 

competition: whose zeher bhari kaatil nazrein are worse, pinky's or om's???? 😬😬😬

i guess this is the remarriage plot we've all been waiting forrrr. look how happy my girllll looooooks. she deservesssss it, my queeeeen. 😌😌😌

poor gauri. *pats her extremely beautiful head* 😞😞😞

awwwwwwwwwww, bade bhaiyya and bhaujaiiii are here for moral support. 😊😊😊

honestly, i don't care if this show doesn't have a plot anymore, i just wanna see shivaay and anika's loving and supportive relationships with everyone else in the fam. and a sesky scene with them in every episode. 🙃🙃🙃

ok don't like this weird tinkly happy "saathiya". it's weird. 😕😕😕

BOY STOP LOOKING AT HER LIKE THIS. LIKE... HONESTLY, MY FUCKING HEART CANNOT HANDLE THIS AFTER A LONG HARD DAY OF WORK. REHEM KARO MUJHPARRRRR. 😩😩😩😩

OMFG, I SPOKE TOO SOON. I SPOKE TOO SOON. TOO MUCH HOTNESS. MY FACE IS MELTING. 😧😧😧😲😲😲

"normal log jo hote hai... tumhari tarah nahi, NORMAL..." 

pffffffffft. hello kettle, this is pot. YOU'RE BLACK. 🙄🙄🙄

PYAAAAAAAR. DID HE SAY PYAAAAAAR???? 😯😯😯

omfg their little finger wrigglesssss at each other. I AM FUCKING DYING FROM THE CUTE. I AM I AM I AM. 😍😍😍😍😍😍

i honestly need to fucking pause and lie down for a bit, coz jesus christ this is just getting too much for me. ☠☠☠

"sanki singh oberoi kabhi bhi sweet singh oberoi ban sakta hai." 

YEAH BITCH SOME WARNING WOULDA BEEN NICE THO?!?!?!! 😩😩😩

pedantic singh oberoi can't let go of the "happy birthday" thing, can he? 🙃🙃🙃

awwwwwwwwww. new kangannnnnn. 😊😊😊

NOWWWWW PLEASE DON'T GIVE THESE AWAY, YOU OVERLY SACRIFICIAL IDIOT GIRL. 😒😒😒

pehle se her haath are so full, kangan pehnaayega kaise? 🤔🤔🤔

men, so easily freaked out by tears. pffffft, babies. 🙄🙄🙄

yes, get the cheapdi outttttt already. while you're at it, throw mummeh out toooo!😤😤😤

and bring mahi ve in!!!!!! 😊😊😊

ouffffffff oh, again with the 20 year old songs. whyyyyyy can't this show afford newer songs???????? honestly. 😑😑😑

who these random ppl who justttt showed up to dance? 🤔🤔🤔

also, you ppl know my sentiments to naach gaana... so fwding. ⏩⏩⏩

GOD. SUCHHHHHHHH HEAVY HANDED WITH THE SHIVAAY SINGING TO OMKARA BIT. WHAT NONSENSE. AWAIIII KA DRAMA. 🙄🙄🙄

lmao, om certainly got persuaded pretty easily to dance. 😂😂😂

whereeee was buamaaa allll this timeee? 😐😐😐

shivaay's happiness since discovering gauri is fucking amazing. i love it. may it become x1000 once he discovers devrani = saali. 😇😇😇

ok are the last 10 min just slo mo dancing? 😒😒😒

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A FUCKING AMAZING TWIST RN? IF ROOP BUA CAME BACK RIGHT NOW. WITH MRS. KAPOOR. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 😈😈😈

guess we have to settle for NT ka cheapdapan. 😒😒😒

lol dadi and buamaa's faces = mine. 😒😒😒

lmaooooooooo sahil escaped his confinement to come jam with everyone. 😂😂😂

nazarrrrrrrrr toh ghar ke andarrrr ke logg hi laga rahe hai, hmph. 😤😤😤

haaaye my babies. such beautifullll. 😍😍😍😍😍😍

lol sharmaaa kyun raha hai billuuu? remember when you brought a buffalo into the house to get her to throw gobar at you???? 😆😆😆

lol shivaay be like 😂😂😂:  

also, bitch please, she already told you she loves you. no need to get all oooooooh pyaaaaar. you’re the one who hasn’t told her yet! 😒😒😒

also, KAHIN BHI SHURU HO JAATE HO, KISI KE BHI SAAMNE????? THODA SA TOH CONTROL KARO! 😧😧😧

lmao, everyone ELSE is feeling awkward, but yeh bhaisaab toh is too high on pyaaar to notice. 😂😂😂

tum aur tumhara pati kisi aur ko bolne de toh woh bolein. 😑😑😑

lol shivaay helpfully translating "gaiyyaaan" for everyone. 😂😂😂

lmao anika's impressed face + shivaay's slightly intimidated face @ "dabanggg gauri" 😂😂😂😂😂

"jaise electronics ke saath manual aata hai, in bhaabiyon ke saath dictionary aani chahiye" 😂😂😂😂

of course shivaay thinks "jhaap" is a high five. 🙄🙄🙄

precap: OMG YAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS SHIVAAAAAAAAAAY FINALLLLLLLLLY KNOWSSSSSS. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[survivorelara]

Episode #6: “"NOT ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE" - Big Z

Even though I misplayed my idol, I cannot believe that my incessant need for wanting Toby gone actually fucking worked. Like. I will be taking the credit for this one because I just fed it to my peoples and had Loris know about it and just controlled his emotional vulnerability. I would have been good without having the idol either... so wig- I fucked up on that end but WOWZA it feels good to actually lead a vote, see the vote go the way you want, and have my target argue with someone who HE thinks started this revolution. Hehehehhehee

bruh im getting major Byzantium teas right now... where my og tribe gets decimated and only two of us actually make it to the merge. right now theres only 3 of us left and just like then if only 2 of us make merge we're gonna start off as swing votes, then everyone will target us.  please don't let that happen Byzantium wasn't my greatest org experience

LMAO SO DANI THINKS WE ARE DEAD TO HER BECAUSE WE BLINDSIDED HER AT THE LOUISE VOTE? poor girl. you're playing a vivor org, get over yourself. you better pray to GOD we don't lose or that you have an idol... because your ass is done otherwise. one way or another, like I said before, only 2 zosma's max are making merge lmao…

In the middle of the challenge, so this confessional will have to be brief. I can definitely WIN this challenge, but I do question if that's the best for my game. The other tribe had a unanimous 6-1 vote, so now it's an even 3-3 split over there.

If we win, it's possible that either they'll go to rocks, or one of the Revati's will flip to save themselves? (Because it's unlikely the Auva are dumb enough to flip on one-another since that'd give us majority in the merge.)

However our tribe is currently a 3-2-2 split, and while I don't THINK the two sets of two are working together, I can't eliminate the possibility that they'd gang up on us to eliminate one of us and evening the numbers for the merge.

It's difficult to say where this whole tribe will end up shaking down, but I'm hoping to avoid Tribal if I can help it. The less Tribal Councils I go to, the more options I have going into merge because I won't have necessarily hurt any feelings by voting a particular way.

Well, I crushed the challenge, scoring all 5 points on my tribe, everyone was talking about how I carried them... which already has me worried given my history of being labelled a challenge beast after only having one good challenge.

But at the very least no tribal, I'm curious if we'll be merging at 12 or if it'll be some other number. Guess I'll know soon enough, but it's nice to have a break for a bit, and I think I'm doing pretty well on bonding with others so as to better my position.

Dylan still never talks to me. So ideally he'll be gone soonish, either by us losing the next challenge or him serving as an early merge boot. But even if he sticks around I doubt it'll be a major problem.

MY HOPE, for the other tribe is to send home Drew or Roxy (preferably Drew since I know Roxy and can work with that I think), to split up that Power-Pair as Drew was a fool for spoiling that. I don't really care who goes so long as the Revati's stay, and if we DO lose

Now if I could just find a damn idol... or SOMETHING.

HELLO LITTLE MIX AND NICKI ARE COLLABING I REPREARJT  HHHHHH THEYRE COLLABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack Lawrence is so nice and so pretty. I would die for Jack. I would cry for Jsck. I will climb a mountain- and I hate walking. oh thats climbing I hate that too. Jack is nice Jack is kind. I shit on the Jack haters. He is just perfect. He could do nothing and still be thebest non-lead host. (Ya AJ shuttup) Anna Jane is PERFECTION. Erik is cutie she is cutie and I love AJ n Erik. She is hot and if I was gay i'd fuck. She is good listener and perfect and beautiful andeveryone get u a friend like AJ bc she is a BIG ASS MOOD in my life like stop being so perfect thanks

Sometimes I get confused about which day we’re on, so hopefully it’s day 14 lmao. The other tribe snatched Toby & I’m not surprised. Auva didn’t just make a mistake that will hinder themselves, but it will also affect what’s left of og Zosma. The Auvacados could’ve worked with Toby to start taking down Revati, but it would seem that they’re still out for vengeance. Toby was setup to be in a swing position, of course he’s gonna feel out both sides before choosing one. Now Auva is split with 3 on each side & I don’t see any of them flipping, unless og Auva is gullible again. Drew T. didn’t trust Revati either because he wasted an idol on himself even though Toby voted in favor of him. Flops.

Kori is legitimately a godsend. He c a r r i e d Revati in the challenge by scoring all 5 points that we needed to win. He says that he focused hard & waited for the messages to pop up which mind you were separated by intervals of several minutes in the span of 4 hours. Kori is a very humble dude & tries to downplay his capabilities, but he’s the GOAT. Maybe even the shield I needed. :O

I’m not too worried about Dani at this point in time. If Revati happens to lose then she would probably be the easiest to turn people against. Everyone participated in the music video challenge while she was the only one that did not, and she has a habit of sitting out. Sam told me that she hasn’t talked to him since the day we blindsided Louise & I’ve gotten the same treatment. Since I’m “dead to her”, I think that making a move against Dani pre-merge would benefit me in the long run. This would also change everyone’s perception of Sam and I to being non-threatening come merge as we don’t have the number

tea time sisters! toby was a king but was a threat and I have to see the benefits in him going. this tribal is going to be eventful I think... because I think I’m getting votes because roxy seems to really want me gone??? but i have a plan that I think will work :))))) I tell John to vote out drew t or roxy and I say that I know he doesn’t really want to vote out drew h so I’ll settle and sacrifice for drew t. if he’s fine with voting roxy then I tell him that I think I can get drew t to vote her too, and then we can vote him out next, when in reality we’ll vote out drew h next. if he wants to vote drew t now then I tell him me and z will do it too when hopefully z will vote out roxy with me and drew t instead because roxy is trying to get one of us out. ezpz . In fact we could even vote drew h. it’s all tea. I really hope z and John are loyal to me, I think z will be, and I think I can just play with me saying I trust you to John over and over. cute!!!! I stay winning... I can’t believe that I .. actually have a plan... that’s t it’s so easy idk why I couldn’t do this before my mind is just so powerful now? also auva idol is GONE and that’s fantastic and also I got legacy bitches!!!! only 7 more bitches need to go then I can use it :)

Soooooo half of this tribe is just completely inactive during the most important hours of this game prior to tribal. It’s SO FRUSTRATING because even if I want to make some sort of strategy with them it’ll take them at least 2-3 hours to reply to me. I cannot do this for too long. The other issue is that people are sooooo hesitant to throw names out, and when you do throw a name out literally EVERYONE hears that you started it and it gets turned on you. That happened to me when I said John’s name once to Roxy last tribal. I worry it’s about to happen to Loris suggesting Roxy too. We’ll see how it plays out, if I end up dying I’ll at least go on an active note rather than an inactive one.

THERE ARE TWO HOURS UNTIL TRIBAL AND LORIS IS THE ONLY ONE HERE

Whew another tribal and everyone is like absent again!? Wow we love productivity! Trademarked by the Celestial ORG! Please, come buy some productivity!

I hope we merge soon. My goal is to make it to merge without going to tribal. Idk how my tribe would pan out, we got a few inactive asf people. I dont have an idol but I really want one . tbh I'm so glad I took my break bc I'm not focused on winning im just focused on enjoying myself and my game while it lasts and I feel like its significantly improved my game.

Okay so Loris isn't talking to me but he's talking to other people so I'm being TOLD they're going for Roxy but I don't really believe it, I think if an idol is played, I'm dying courtesy of him and Z. Just gotta keep the faith in my people tbh

We doin big z vut doing loris kihhtve been better cause of her connections vut my nothing much I can do. I dint Rlly like the mrtge we r hesding into we r hella in minority

sometimes i forget im playing a org because all we do is win oh i got an idol btw hihihi

Honestly I am happy Toby went. HE WAS A BITCH! He wanted me out the the first round. Now to get Sam and Ciere out next. Expect Tea motherfuckers. Anyways, literally I have not talked a lot. I have gotten to know Kori. He is a shady fuck, I know that from past experience but I need him. I talked to Emma or Emmy or whatever the fuck her name is too. She seems really sweet.

ok so I think me and Ci'ere are bonding, which wow I never imagined that I would have a social game. I still haven't messaged Dani or Kori which is something I should do. The fact that they haven't messaged me, coupled with the fact that I'm alone on this tribe cements the fact that I am the obvious vote. Brb let me try to make connections.

SO we lost again, and my broken phone prevented me from participating in the challenge. Looking at this based on the challenge I should be leaving, buuuut I am going to be voting big Z out tonight, and because the auvas don't want rocks, they are going to do what I want. I have wanted this guy out from a game standpoint from the very beginning, but once you throw my name out there it's very hard to get back on my good side. Loris is going to be annoyed with me I am sure, he was trying to manipulate the situation between us but I could see right through the whole thing. I had a call with Roxy and she made an alliance with us and the two drews. She seemed to be worried that I would want to stick with loris and Z but I knew immediately what I wanted to do. I am really hoping that a merge will happen next, and that this move will not deeply affect me right away.

Big Z is voted out 4-2.

[notdonelearning]

This one is a wild one so get ready.

My friends and I were going to have a kickback at my house, but because of multiple reasons we ended up cancelling the whole night. We were kinda bumbed out about the whole thing but didn’t care much about it cause we were high, and eating pizza. That’s when one of my friends started to feel sick so me and my other guy friend decided to take her back to her dorm.

My guy friend and I still wanted to go out to a house party so we started to ask around. We met up with another one of our friends cause she also wanted to go out. We had agreed that we only wanted to get buzzed, so keep an eye on each other. We started to ask other people if they knew of anything going down, but with no luck. I ended up asking the girl that I like if she knew of anything going on, which she usually does cause she goes out a lot. We ended up going back to campus to her dorm, and just hung around with her roommates for a while. This is when things started to go south for me… and I let it. DISCLAIMER: I AM A LIGHT WEIGHT. The girl that I like, lets call her violet, started saying how she wanted to get me fucked up. Violet then starts handing me drinks and eventually a bong with a full beer. Let me just say that it was my first time doing that and I did a great job.

After drinking a bit, we headed towards a house that there was a party, or so we thought. When we got there, it was a bust. Violet and her group of friends decided that they wanted to go to a bar near downtown. My two friends did not want to go, but I did cause I wanted to hang out with violet. I felt super shitty about leaving my friends but they ended up finding another house party so I didn’t feel too bad about it. At this point violet was being kinda touchy with me, but in a cute way. Before we get in the uber, two of violets friends decide they need to pee and so they start peeing behind this random house. We finally get in the uber, and violets friends who sat in the front starts hitting on the uber driver and starts calling him “baby g”. Violet whispers to me that her friend will probably sleep with baby g tonight, and I believe it happened cause she did get his number and she was really persistent.

I had never been to this bar so I was pretty excited. We finally get there and let me tell you… this place is nice. It was a patio bar/club place. Outside there were lights strung around the patio, swings around the borders, a stage with a DJ, and a bar. It was really pretty. When we walk in Violet and one of her friends head straight to the bar. They buy me a beer and one vodka soda. I was feeling good. I was happy to be there, and having fun. We also take one shot each, and then head inside to the dance floor. I cannot dance so this was my reality check and a nightmare. Violet is dancing and she takes my hand so that I would dance with her. All that I was thinking is “shit, I cannot dance”. Luckily, I was saved by one of her leaving and we had to chase after her cause she was already drunk. We ended up losing her, so Violet just gives up and we just start talking. Again, touchy touchy.

We head back outside and find all of her friends by the swings taking pictures. Somehow, violet and I lose her friends again so we go on another search. We found them again on the other side of the bar. One of her friends was sitting on one of the swings and tells me to sit with her. We start talking and we kinda bonded. While I’m with her friend, Violet is making friends with a couple of guys. Her friend and I take a picture together that I have yet to see almost a week a later. Violet then comes over and tell her friend “Jayc is coming, you have to prepare her”, and leaves. I was very confused at this point. Her friend then turns to me and says “its okay, he will probably come here and kiss her in the mouth but its okay”. I was confused at this because violet and I were not dating, and barely talking. I wouldn’t have cared if he did kiss her. If we were dating, then that would be another story.

Through the entire night I was texting my guy friend. At this point I kinda wanted to go home because I had a bad feeling and I was tired. I get up from the swing and tell violet that I might be going home soon. She tells me that I should stay and that I should just go home with her and just stay with her the night. It sounded tempting, and I was torn. I should have gone home, but I didn’t.

I think this is when I started to black out because I am not sure how I got to some places. However, the next thing that I remember is talking to some guys and they were pretty cool. I turn around to look for Violet and she is next to me but talking to another guy at the bar. I started talking to them and quickly figure out that they are taking shots. I declined violets offer of a shot, but the guy says its his birthday… I give in.

The next thing I remember is Violet putting her arm around me and telling me that I had to find some gay girls to get drinks from them. We walked around the bar once, only to come back right were we started. I sit on a swing next to the bar with violet, and next thing I know Jayc and his friend Donni are there. Jayc goes straight for violet, so I started talking to Donni. I recognized him from somewhere, and he says that we had a class together. Next thing I know I had another tequila shot and a lime in my hand.

I black out.

The next few things I am about tell you are the handful moments of clarity I had. We ended up back at Violets dorm, and I remember throwing up. I only remember this cause I was so frustrated I could not find the flush button. My next moment of clarity was laying in Violets bed and she is taking my pants off, but not in a sexual way, and I am freezing. At one point I look at violet and tell her that I am about to have a panic attack, which I was. She grabs me by the shoulders and tell me that everything was going to be okay, but I knew better. Next thing that I remember is my friend that I had taken back to her dorm earlier in the night was there, but wearing one of my sweaters that was at home. That is it. That’s all I remember.

Now I will try to fill in the gaps from what my friends have told me.

Around 1:30am, while we were still at the bar, Violet takes my phone and starts texting my guy friend who was at my house with two of my other friends getting high. Violet is telling him how I am fucked up and how its her fault cause she kept giving me shots. However, violet tells him that shes got me and how they don’t need to worry. But she decides to take a picture of us, and I look GONE. This is when my friends start getting worried and decide that they need to come get me. THANK THE LORD FOR GOOD FRIENDS. Somehow, violet and my guy friend talk on the phone and he was not happy apparently. I imagine this is around when I was either throwing up in the bathroom or naked on violets bed.

Around 3:30am, my friends leave my house and head to campus to get me. Take in mind that all 3 of them are high out of their minds. It’s about a 15 min car ride, so not too bad. They get to Violets dorm and my friend, the one we dropped off earlier in the night, finds me in violets bed wrapped in her bed sheets with violet wrapped around me trying to keep me warm. One of violets roommates apparently was being a bitch about the whole things, and trying to make it seem like she was the most fucked up while I’m over here on the verge of having alcohol poisoning. My friend told me later that she literally looked at her and told her to shut the fuck up, which I am very proud of cause I didn’t like her very much either. Apparently, I look at my friend and say “its gonna happen” which she knows its code for ‘get me the fuck out of there cause I am having a panic attack’. They get me up and start dressing me with clothes my friends had brought me, cause I could not physically stand up or get dressed by myself. While all of this is going on, violet is still insisting that I should stay and that she can take care of me. Oh btw, violet is also blacked out alongside of all her roommates. My guy friend take both of these girls and pushes them off me so that my other friends could dress me. He then proceeds to help me out the room but then I run back inside and tell violet that I will be back… so many regrets. As soon as we get in the elevator I have that panic attack. I do not remember this. We walk outside, while my friend is still carrying me and I ran across the street to the car and I start throwing up on the side walk. Great moment.

We finally get in the car, after I apparently argued about being in the front seat. My friend who was driving tells me that I would not stop moving around in the car, and kept sticking my head out the window. We pulled up to a red light, while my head is out the window, and a car pulls up to us. My friend starts freaking out. Oh btw… we go to a school that is very big on basketball. The car that pulls up to us rolls their window down, and it turned out to be one of the starters for our basketball team… big deal. He asks if I am okay, which my friends reply “yes, shes just very drunk”, and he just starts cracking up. He then asks my friend if she wants to race, and she not so politely declines. All that I could do was put my index finger up and wiggle it to say no. I might have been drunk but I knew that racing was a bad idea. Good job, me. I remember feeling like I was dying the entire way home. According to my friends, I had another moment of clarity when I ran up to my room and I told them that I had to go to sleep otherwise I would throw up. I passed out, but one of my friends stayed up another 2 hours to make sure I was okay. I LOVE THEM.

The days following this all that I feel is regrets and guilt. I had to pick up my clothes from violets room, and I dreaded it. I could not look at her in the face. I still feel so shitty about the whole night. Violet and I are not talking anymore, even if we were I don’t know if I could do it anyways. I’m too embarrassed.

Lesson learned. 

Saturday September 9th, 2017