#Brighton cabs

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 44)

Lucy Bronze x Reader (39) & Jordan Nobbs x Leah Williamson Mini (3)

Masterlist (other parts here)

((**This is now my largest chapter at 7.5k. Enjoy!**))

YFN had instantly fallen asleep in her seat on the plane and woke to the jolt of the landing gear absorbing the impact on touchdown. She shook her fatigue away and took her phone off flight mode. 11:15am UK time. She gave a sigh of relief that the flight had been quicker than usual. She knew she’d been cutting it close with the flight time and instead of Ruby picking her up as planned, she’d told her to go to the stadium instead so she could get an Uber. It worked out well, because it meant she had time to speak to Jordan without feeling rude talking in front of Ruby.

She collected her bags and timed the Uber well, hopping in immediately as she exited the building. The stadium was thirty minutes from the airport so she’d be arriving just at kick off. She wasn't too concerned, though. Bridget and Emily were also in Manchester for a 1300 game between Man City and Brighton and were getting a bit more experience up onsite with Ruby at her game. She was lucky to have such good workmates.

She slid into the cab with a polite hello and found the only contact with a fish in it.

“Hey chicken! How was Barcelona?”

“Oh my god, Dory, it was amazing. Absolutely amazing. But I’m dead on my feet.”

Jordan laughed. “I’m guessing Lucy didn’t let you sleep much?”

“Don’t be cheeky. But you are correct.”

“How many hours are you running on?”

She counted. “I had two hours sleep on the plane so…about five hours?”

“What?!”

“I think…I remember we had a ‘midnight snack’ but that was about 4am so…”

“You’re unbelievable. Priorities, right?”

YFN chuckled. “I have no regrets beyond the struggle to walk-”

“Oh god! I don’t want to hear it.”

They both laughed together.

“How are you? Tell me everything.”

Jordan hummed and then proceeded to tell YFN about her dreams and the flowers and note that morning.

“Why didn’t you lead with that?!”

“I don't know. Good news before bad?”

“You think the flowers and note are bad news?”

“I don’t know. My head’s all over the place from the dreams. They were good and bad, but it’s just wrecked me emotionally.”

“I understand that…it’s not great for game day. Are you on your way there now?”

“Yeah, I’m on the bus. We have another hour and a half to go.”

“Well, you can’t resolve these emotions before the game because that would be a miracle. So how about you put a movie on and distract yourself? Don’t sleep, you won’t be able to.

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that to be fair…”

“Perfect. Have you messaged her?”

“No. I can’t do that today. Trying not to mess with my head before the game.”

“That’s all good, I was going to suggest maybe not responding until after the game.”

“You’re doing two games today, aren’t you?”

YFN’s mouth almost dropped open. “You have no idea how proud I am that you remembered that? I told you a while ago...”

“Oh, sorry, I should probably keep up my forgetfulness, right? Who are you again?”

YFN laughed. “I love forgetful Dory. She’s my favourite. Along with cuddly Dory. Football Dory though…jeez she’s terrifying.”

“I definitely will be today.”

“Get those emotions out, girl! Just don’t hurt anyone or get red carded please.”

“No promises.”

“As for your question, yep. I have the 1200 Man United versus West Ham game at Leigh and then the 1845 Arsenal versus Leicester game at King Power.”

“Oh that's right! Kyra…”

YFN had obviously told Jordan about Kyra. They both thought it was cute.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Our bus will drop us back at Villa Park about 7pm tonight…I can drive and meet you there?”

YFN could tell that Jordan needed comfort, and most of her friends were in London. She did the timing math in her head.

“You’d arrive about 8pm tonight with the traffic…how about you get a lift with my guy, Matt? He’s relocating to my game and then driving me back to Birmingham after it’s done.”

“Oh, yeah! That works out brilliant, that does. God, you’re so good at this logistics stuff. I just kick a ball around.”

YFN had a giggle at the visual image and messaged Matt. “And you look great doing it. Plus, you do more than that and you know it.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

YFN bit her lip as she thought a little. Jordan needed some love, and she knew just what to do. “What do you think about us asking Katie and Caitlin to stay the night? We’ll all finish up around 9pm in Leicester so they’ll have overnight accommodation. If I message them then they’ll have time for the team to cancel their room. They can come home with us.”

“Ohhh I didn’t think of that! See, this is why you’re the best.”

YFN grinned at the sound of genuine happiness in Jordan’s voice. She knew she missed them a lot.

She looked up and could see the stadium approaching in the distance. “I’m excited! Okay, I’m almost at the stadium. I’ll message the group.”

“Okay, love you!”

“Love you more. I’m so excited to see you tonight! Have a good game today, please. Smash it.”

They hung up happy and she opened a message from Matt that replied with an excited yes. Being a Villa supporter meant his dream just came true. YFN wondered how the car ride with them would be to Leicester and couldn’t help but be amused.

YFN then put a message in their little four-way group. Caitlin was usually the first to respond whether it be message or Instagram, and today was no exception. She’d answered an unequivocal yes for the both of them before she’d even stepped foot into the stadium.

The national anthems were playing just as she arrived and met up with her workmates. Bridget was running the boundary line, excitedly videoing the singing while Emily and Ruby were taking photos.

“Hey, Em.”

“YFN! Hi!” She gushed, wearing her purple and yellow Lumos hoodie. YFN was wearing Lucy’s hoodie so she opted for a beanie instead. “How was your flight?”

“I slept the entire trip,” she admitted with a chuckle.

Emily snapped a few shots of the starting line-ups.

“How are you and Bridget?”

“Oh, great! Yeah, we’re excited to be staying in Manchester tonight. Because we all have tomorrow off, we have plans to sight see and visit some family.”

They chatted for a little longer when YFN recognised the photographer from the last game she’d been to. The one who followed her home. She pretended to not notice him as she kept speaking to Emily and then made her way around the field to get a few good videos and say hi to Ruby and Bridget also. Bridget was running a mile a minute as she usually did, and Ruby mentioned that she had a date with Matt the next day. Ruby also ran a mile a minute, just with her mouth rather than her legs like Bridget. The whistle blew.

“Oh are those two already leaving already?” She asked rhetorically as Bridget and Emily waved on the way out. “Aw I didn’t say bye! Anyways, Matt said he’d take me on a date but I don’t know where-” she snapped a few photos and then cringed at the tackle she’d just captured, “-and I know it’s going to be amazing because we’ve been talking for a while now and…well not a while but since we all met and we were first partnered up-” she jogged further up the field to take another and came back when she was satisfied, “-and we’ve both been talking about supervising this next group of people coming in and we’re so excited for them to join us-” she took photos while YFN pulled her phone out to get a good Instagram video of Man United’s goal as they were both standing just a few metres from the West Ham goal. Goal number one, just three minutes in. YFN uploaded the video straight to their social media with an update on the score, “-and I just think it’s going to be amazing to have so many people with us. Is that guy staring at us?”

YFN turned to the photographer who’d been following her around the boundary, more focussed on her than the game.

“Yeah…just ignore him. He won’t hurt us.” She said, repeating what Catherine had said to her. Phone still on video mode in her hand, she pressed record but before she could lift her arm up to video him, they were interrupted.

“Now, now, physical violence isn’t my thing.” The voice teased from behind them.

YFN didn’t even have to turn, but she did out of polite habit as Mark stepped next to her, his eyes focussed on the game. She kept her phone on record and down near her body, but angling the mic towards him.

“Mark.”

“YFN. I hear you had a lovely trip up to Edinburgh to meet your…controversial leader.”

Ruby frowned, not understanding.

“He’s just teasing,” she assured. “Could you give us a minute?”

Ruby nodded and headed back up the field.

“So none of them know then?”

“What could you possibly be referring to, Mark?”

“Joanne.” He almost hissed. “That heartless woman.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Well let me be clear, then. I know your boss. She took something from me, so I’m going to tear her whole fucking business down.”

“Which business would that be?”

“The only one not protected by a board. Lumos. Her baby that she’s trying so desperately to hide. And you know exactly how I’m going to start?”

“By getting a photographer to follow me?”

He gave a grin that sent shivers down her spine. “Something along those lines.”

He handed her a large yellow envelope. Against her better judgement, she took it and looked inside. She found several printed photos of herself and Lucy kissing at the airport. The photos weren’t the best quality, they looked like they’d been taken on a phone, but still…it was disturbing.

She turned her attention back to the game as if she were unbothered. “Congratulations. You gave me photos of my girlfriend and I. You do realise that we are public? We have nothing to hide.”

“You don’t think that someone in your position dating one of the most famous footballers of all time is a conflict of interest? Let me give you some advice…people will care. Whoever Joanne has investing in her company will. And this is just the start. I’ll get more and more dirt on not just you, but your workmates also. I’ll drag you all into the fucking ground.”

She sharply breathed in. “You want to ruin a good thing for a little rivalry?”

“A good thing?” He scoffed. “Nobody wants to watch women play. Look around you. The stands are only filled with friends and family. As for everyone who works at Lumos…” He shrugged. “Collateral.”

YFN let herself look at him. He was determined and deadly serious.

“See that photographer? Get used to seeing him around. As for Joe…tell her I’m going to tear down her company before it even begins.”

It was a dominant display by Manchester United who ended up winning 5-0 with five different goal scorers. YFN felt for West Ham who she’d grown a soft spot for since her visit, and especially felt empathetic for their Captain, Mackenzie Arnold, a fellow Australian, as she was the goalkeeper. She couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been mentally after a game like that. You’d feel like it was all your fault while having to be the one to pull the team together.

A few of the players wandered over to her after the match, one being Mackenzie. She gave her a hug and surprisingly agreed to an interview. She interviewed her alongside Mary Earps, letting the two talk business. Mary didn’t exactly have a quiet game, she’d had shots that she’d saved and they both bantered about that, with YFN steering the questions when and where she wanted. The fact that they both pointed out the brilliance in several different moments of each teams and gushed over not just their team but the opposite was the exact reason she’d fallen in love with women’s football. After those two, she interviewed Kirsty Smith and Riko Ueki with Ella Toone and Lucia Garcia. The dynamics of who she put together were interesting and got the results she wanted. She felt like she was Graham Norton putting interesting guests on and leading them here and there with questions, making sure they each felt acknowledged and appreciated for their time and their skill on the pitch.

They finished up around 2:30pm and stopped for a late lunch and some quick editing and posts before they started their two-and-a-half-hour drive to Leicester for their next game. It was only early evening, and YFN could already feel herself getting tired.

As they got into the car, Ruby noted that and told her to get some sleep. She had no idea that Ruby could be quiet for long enough and was pleasantly surprised.

Just before she went to sleep, she sent the video recording of Mark’s voice to Catherine who she knew was busy with few royal duties, and then she fell asleep just after she put her phone on charge.

YFN woke to the loud sound of her phone ringing and she jumped, her face feeling half numb from the window. The car was stopped and she looked outside to Ruby who’d noticed her wake and gave her a thumbs up from the fuel bowser. She gave one back and answered the phone without checking the caller ID.

“YFN! Are you okay?!”

She recognised the voice immediately. “Cath- I mean. Joe? Wow, you really did a great job of sounding not yourself before we met.”

Catherine gave a light chuckle. “One of my secret talents. I listened to your video. Did he threaten you?”

“Not physically, just what you heard on the video.”

“He’s absolutely insistent and much more of a pain than I’d expected.” She sounded annoyed and that was amusing to YFN as she was always painted as the perfect Princess. “I’m so sorry. I spoke to Joe and even she is surprised. He will not hurt you. If you feel unsafe at all, I will hire security.”

“That’s okay, I think we’re okay for now. He seems to be all bark at the moment..”

“He is, I assure you. Also, there is no conflict of interest here. I’m aware of your relationship. We are not even covering her games yet and when we do, it is absolutely not a conflict of interest. The man doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I know you, I chose you for a reason and your judgement, and your actions won’t be compromised by your relationship. Not only that, but there’s nothing in which to base these allegations on just yet. I understand the implications that may occur with you interviewing her and potentially being seen as biased, but I’ve seen your work, I’ve seen you interview friends and colleagues without that bias. I chose carefully.” She sighed. “My plan was for us to build your reputation in the field so high it would surpass any of these allegations before they even occurred.”

“I appreciate the support, and I promise that anything to do with Lucy or her team against another team will not be an issue. I want everyone and every team to be represented, regardless of if they’re against her or not.”

“Perfect. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, I think. In the meantime, you don’t need to hide your relationship. I’d never ask or expect that of you.”

“Thank you…also I’m assuming part of your security check on us is that you look for anything controversial which may be used against us like this?”

She hesitated. “Yes. I don’t like it, but we need to protect ourselves and the business from any potential threats…”

“I understand, and I agree.” Ruby hopped back into the car then with a grin. “You have my support…Joe.”

Catherine took the hint. “He won’t find anything controversial on the other employees because there is nothing. We just need to stay a tight knit group and continue our jobs.”

“Copy that, will do. Would you like me to send out a group memo about him?”

Ruby started to drive again.

“Yes, absolutely. If you don’t mind, I’ll write it and you send it?”

“Perfect, that saves me the work.”

“Lastly, the office won’t be ready tomorrow.”

“Oh?” Her interest peaked at that. She could be with Lucy on her day off. Jonatan had been giving her more days off with her knee. She only had to train four days this week, Tuesday to Friday.

“It’s all related. Mark somehow managed to talk to the local council…anyways I’m sorting it. It’ll be ready by Wednesday, I promise you.”

“Okay. That’s perfectly fine. I’ll meet up with the real estate agent and then the original ten of us will settle in and prep for the new group to arrive.”

“I thought it would be best to start the new group on Thursday instead because of the timing with the office date moving, but I wanted to check with you first to make sure you weren’t losing too much preparation time with them for the next round?”

YFN thought about it a little. Their first game was Saturday, and it was the only one. Catherine had gotten permission for ten employees at that game which allowed her to send two original crew with a full new crew to train. “I think Thursday will work. It’ll give us two full days to cover everything which is enough, and for eight of them, they’ll get experience on Saturday at Stamford Bridge. If I feel we need more, I’ll organise Saturday with the others not at the game to prep more.”

“Agreed! We think very much alike, you know.” It was a compliment that made her blush.

Catherine asked if she had any more questions before the call ended. She wasn’t surprised it wasn’t a long conversation, as she knew she’d been busy all day with regular duties and then Mark’s drama in the background. She couldn’t help but think about the possibility of booking a flight to Barcelona to spend the next two days with Lucy, as she knew she had the next day off. She could explore Barcelona with Narla and do a bit of work on the Tuesday while Lucy was training… She bit her lip and shook her head. Jordan needed her. Jordan was her priority. Thinking of, she looked up Jordan’s game which was almost finished. It had been fairly even all game and Jordan had been subbed on in the 65th minute, having a goal attempt in the 66th minute. YFN smiled as she watched Jordan running around, looking frustrated which was so opposite to her everyday self. Aston Villa were up 1-0 and she watched while Ruby listened to the end of the game. Multiple fouls were made by both teams. Aston Villa scored a second goal. A foul by Jordan at the 90 minute mark. And then it was over. Jordan had only played 30 minutes, but she’d made an impact. YFN sent Jordan a message saying how proud she was of her.

They arrived in Leicester around 5:45pm and stopped at a local café for another snack and a drink before the game. Being too early at the stadium meant boredom. They made sure to arrive around 6:15pm and set their equipment up, capturing the players during warm up. The Leicester players exited first to warm up and a few came over to chat. Luck have it, Courtney was one of them. Australians tended to flock together outside of Australia, she realised. YFN asked if she’d do an interview after the game and she agreed for the price of a hoodie. She liked Courtney and could see why Kyra did too. They were both cheeky.

“Hey stranger.”

YFN turned to see Leah’s smile as she stepped next to her. She was alone and not in kit, not quite ready to play after her ACL.

“Leah!” She smiled, pulling her into a hug. She liked Leah, regardless of her issues with Jordan, and she’d previously spoken to Jordan about their little growing friendship. She was okay with it, of course, otherwise YFN wouldn’t have been so forward. “How are you?”

“Oh mate, desperate to get onto that field, I’m telling ya.” She looked longingly at the pitch and then back to YFN. “I watched your interviews. They’re great! I don’t know why anyone hasn’t interviewed like that before.”

“The ones from last week?”

“Yeah and this morning. I loved it, honestly. I’ll be happy to do interviews anytime with you, just let me know.”

“That’s just given me an idea…” She hummed as she thought.

“Taking me up on the offer already?” She laughed.

“Actually I’ve been trying to work out different segments and ideas that would make us stand out from other companies….you’re not playing today. There are always players who are not playing but watching their teams. So it might be a good idea to get players willing to on the sidelines with us to interview and to film some of the snippets we upload with their own perspective and jokes and insight. Sort of like when you’re excitedly screaming motivation at the girls from the bench, but this time they’d be in snippets for our social media. It’ll promote the team and show just how supportive all of the players are with each other. Plus, I think it'd be hilarious.”

“Sort of like when they mic up the cricket players?”

“EXACTLY.”

“Put me in, coach. I love the sound of that. Plus, if it mucks up, you can just blame me.”

“You are 100% my scapegoat if it goes bad.” She laughed. “You’d be willing to today?”

She shrugged. “I have nothing else going on and I’m used to the camera so why not.”

“Perfect! Yeah, oh that’s so exciting-” She stopped and bit her lip as she thought of Jordan.

“What is it?”

“Um…maybe not today? Maybe next game?”

The frustrating thing was that she didn’t know yet if she’d even be at Arsenal’s next game. It depended on the roster.

“YFN, just tell me.”

“So…hm…here’s the thing…”

“Please don’t tell me this is about Jordan?” She asked, a little upset. “I was hoping that wouldn’t affect our relationship…”

“It won’t! Dory’s fine with us being friends. It’s just…”

“Spit it out, mate.”

“She’s going to be here in under an hour.”

She swore Leah paled. She definitely froze. “Oh.”

“Yeah…so she’ll already be with me on the sidelines for company.”

“She just finished a game…” she looked at her watch. “…so if she’s coming here I guess it’s to talk about us?”

“Leah…”

“She told you about this morning?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” She groaned and ran her hand through her hair. “Look, I don’t know your opinion on everything and I don’t want to drag you into it all, but I promise you I just want the best for Jordan.”

“And the best for Jordan is you?”

Leah held her eye contact. “Yes. Just…I know I don’t have the right to ask but I will. Can you please maybe tell Jordan it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to go with me this Friday night to the awards? I want to win her back, to be there for her but I can’t without opportunity to actually be around her.”

“I won’t convince her to do something she doesn’t want to…”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. Just…advocate for me? You don’t have to push it. Just…please?”

“I’ll have a talk to her,” she murmured.

“CHICKEN!”

The Arsenal players were headed out for their warm up and most were headed her way led by the Irishwoman who was being overtaken by a smiley, wavy Kyra.

“Thank you, I really appreciate it. Also, I can still do that thing with you, I can be over the other side away from Jordan if she doesn’t want me near.”

“Thanks Leah, I’ll ask her about it when she gets here,” she replied with a smile.

“Ask who about what?!” Kyra asked as she landed on YFN’s back. YFN’s hands immediately caught her legs.

“Oof. You do realise I’m small, right?”

“Yeah, but I knew you’d catch me. When’s Nobbs here?”

A few of the Arsenal girls looked awkward because Leah was there. “It’s okay…” she assured them. “She’ll be here during the first half.”

“Okaaaaay.”

“Oh, also Kyra invited herself tonight.” Caitlin said as she wrestled Kyra off of YFN so she and Katie could give her a hug.

“Tonight? Where was our invite?” Beth asked.

YFN grinned sheepishly. “Our apartment isn’t big enough for the entire Arsenal squad…”

“I’m just joking, this one wants an early sleep anyways,” she said as she nudged Viv who looked unimpressed as usual.

“Aw what a granny!” Kyra teased.

YFN couldn’t help but laugh at the look on Viv’s face. Kyra giggled at her joke, ducking away from Caitlin’s motherly swat to the back of the head when a blue shirt appeared amongst the red and Kyra stilled.

“Hey…”

“Courtney!” YFN replied, making sure she didn’t feel left out. “Hey!”

Courtney looked around, her eyes finding Kyra and then tearing them away pretending she hadn’t looked at her. “Just letting you know Sam and Sophie are both good for the interview after the game. Do you know who it’ll be with?”

“Awesome! Yeah, I was hoping Beth and Frida would be up for it…”

“Me? Yes please! Not sure if I’ll be subbed on though,” Beth said eagerly.

Viv rolled her eyes. “She’ll be subbed on.”

“FRIDA!” Katie yelled.

“FRIDA!!” Beth yelled shortly after. Viv covered her ears and YFN chuckled at that.

The blonde spun around and jogged over. “Yes?”

Frida Maanum was a Norwegian midfielder who’d been with Arsenal since 2021. She was rarely chosen to be interviewed and softly spoken, so YFN thought it’d be great to involve her and help her confidence out with Beth who she could always rely on to talk if she didn’t.

“Want to do an interview with me after the game? YFN wants to know.”

Frida looked over at YFN with a polite hello wave. “It’s going to be with Sam Tierney and Sophie Howard from Leicester. You can absolutely say no if you want.”

“You want me?” She sounded surprised.

“Of course she wants ya, you’re amazin’.” Katie said with a playful grab of her shoulder.

“O…okay. Yeah.” She smiled at YFN which made the Australian feel good for asking.

“Aw, I’ll look after you mate! No need to be nervous!” Beth said loudly, extending an arm around her shoulder.

“So…Beth and Frida,” YFN said to Courtney with a smile. “And then you and Kyra. Is that okay Kyra?”

“Yeah that’s cool.” Kyra said, suddenly quiet.

Courtney’s eyes widened hearing that she’d be interviewed with Kyra. YFN knew it was sneaky of her but it was an opportunity for Courtney to reject the idea before she surprised her with her ex. Not that they were ever public knowledge.

“Okay. I’ll see you after the game.” She said, directed straight at YFN but she knew it was more for Kyra from the tone of it.

Caitlin and YFN shared a sheepish look.

“Come on girls, Jonas is about to kick our asses. Let’s get warmin’ up!” Katie ordered.

“If you see me shouting from the sidelines, it’s because I’m mic’d up!” Leah warned them and received some amused looks in return.

“You’d better not be focusin’ on my ass.” Katie teased.

Caitlin messed up Kyra’s hair. “You’d better be focusing on this one’s debut!”

They all jogged off and Leah turned to YFN.

“Okay boss, where do you want me?”

Jordan and Matt arrived just after 7pm, both with wide grins. Matt because he’d just spent a car ride with Jordan and Jordan because of YFN.

“Dory! Come here!” She took her friend in a hug big enough to lift the footballer off the ground and a few Arsenal fans spotted Jordan and shouted their love for her as she did so.

“I missed you.” She mumbled into Lucy’s hoodie.

“It’s been a day. Needy, hm?”

“I’m always needy.” Jordan grumbled as she put her down.

“I missed you too.” YFN chuckled before turning to Matt. “You look excited, mate.”

He was still grinning ear to ear and nodded.

“I think I tired him out with all the talking, to be fair.”

“I’m glad you two got on for the drive then. Matt, are you okay taking a few of us back to Birmingham tonight? If not, I can ask Ruby…”

“Yes!” He almost shouted and then cleared his throat. “Um, yes, of course. Who..?

“Uh Dory, Katie, Caitlin, Kyra and myself. Oh actually that won’t work… Ruby will have to take some of us anyways… maybe those three and I’ll ask Ruby if she can take Kyra and I.”

“Done.”

“How was the game?”

“Yeah, great. Noel and I got some great footage. A few of the girls were asking about interviews but I said we’d start next week.”

“Next week hopefully… and congrats on Aston Villa’s first win for the season?!”

“Yeah!” Jordan grinned. “I wasn’t on for long but I think I did alright.”

Loud noises from the crowd turned their attention to Leicester running towards goal. The ball was pushed out by Lotte for a corner.

“I’ll go record that.” Matt said as he ran towards the goal up the side of the pitch. Jordan spotted Leah behind the goal then.

“Leah…?”

“You had to have expected her to be here,” YFN teased.

“Well yeah but…is she recording with a phone?”

“I have her mic’d up for some footage. Trying something new out and she’s helping.”

Jordan frowned but her eyes remained on her, mixed emotions in her eyes.

The crowd went wild as Leicester scored from their corner. Jordan swore. The game reset.

“She really wants you to go with her on Friday..”

Jordan’s eyes flicked up to meet hers. “She said that? What else did she say?”

“Nothing you don’t already know… that she wants the best for you, she wants to win you back, and she wants an opportunity to do so.”

Jordan groaned. “I can’t. We rarely went to events together before. Now she wants to show me off to the world like I’m hers when I’m not?”

“I think she just wants a night with you, Jords…”

“Nope. No way. Unless she has another plus one and you come to chaperone us.”

YFN tilted her head. It wasn’t football but… “I could get an invite?”

Jordan spun back around. “You could?”

“My boss can 100% get me a ticket. Now, did you mean it?”

“I mean…” she looked over at Leah. “If you’re going, I will.”

“And is this really what you want?”

Jordan got a little frustrated and pouted, trying to think. She was a bundle of confused emotions and the dreams wouldn’t have helped. YFN put her arm around her and pulled her close.

“What do you think?”

“I think whatever this is, you need to resolve it. The best way to do that is communication. I think you should go. Sooner or later it’s going to be clear to you if you do or don’t want to have her back in your life.”

Leah looked over at the pair, her and Jordan looking at each other. She nodded. “I’ll go.”

“You’re sure?”

“I think I wanted to, I just didn’t want to admit it. Plus, you’ll be there now so it’ll be less awkward.” She grinned up at her.

YFN rolled her eyes and messaged ‘Joe’. Just as she finished the message, Leicester was surging forward, forward, forward, and tucked away their second goal. Two goals in two minutes. A terrible start for Arsenal.

Jordan settled next to YFN, following her and her camera around, watching the game intently. She always wanted the best for Arsenal. They had more of a catch up in between photos that she’d changed to as Matt was now doing the videography. YFN didn’t miss Leah off and on staring across at them just as longingly as she stared at the pitch she missed. Jordan and YFN gradually moved closer to Leah through that first half, though Leah ducked away to the change rooms for half time with her girls.

While it was half time, Ruby, Matt and YFN on worked on their footage while they talked.

“New office tomorrow?!” Matt asked excitedly.

“Oh…no. That’s been delayed until Wednesday. Waiting on approvals. New group are now starting Thursday.”

“You’re not going to Barcelona?” Jordan asked. “Doesn’t Lucy have tomorrow off?”

“You spoke with her?”

“Yeah she messaged me. I assumed you suggested it,” she laughed, “she’s terrible at messaging.”

“Not with me.” YFN winked. “Also that was all her, I promise.”

Jordan rolled her eyes and nudged her almost off her chair. “She misses you.”

“I was there this morning…”

“You miss her too.”

“Dory…” She groaned.

“No.” She said, putting her hand on the camera YFN was playing with which made her look up at her. Ruby and Matt shifted a little nervously as they could do nothing but listen. Jordan looked serious. “Don’t you dare stay here tonight just for me. You barely get any time with her as it is. She’s my friend too, and I like to see her happy. And you happy. And you’re both never as happy as when you’re together.” YFN opened her mouth to argue but Jordan continued. “Let me live vicariously through you. You’ve already done enough, I have Katie and Caitlin and Kyra tonight! They need a bed.”

“You’re kicking me out of our apartment?” YFN laughed.

“Only if you can find a flight.”

She put her camera down and took Jordan into a warm, long hug, mumbling into her. “I love you, Dory. You know that? If we’re both single in five years, I’m going to propose.”

Jordan laughed but they were both emotional. They just wanted the best for each other. “Okay but Blu will be ring-bearer.”

YFN laughed back into her and sat back, wiping tears away that she didn’t even know had formed.

“You’re putting Kyra on the couch?”

“I’ll let her share my bed if she shuts up.”

“She’s only small, she’ll be asleep before you all finish dinner. She tends to tire herself out fast, the little baby.”

“Little baby,” Jordan mimicked adoringly. “Now look for flights. I’ll message Lucy.”

“Or…how about we make it a surprise?”

“I love it! If she thinks you’re robbing her and knocks you out though, that’s not on me.”

She did wonder what Lucy’s reaction would be. She found a flight from Birmingham to Barcelona at 11pm.

“Won’t you need her to unlock the door?”

“I have keys…”

“You two are adorable.”

“I found an 11pm flight from Birmingham…”

“Do you think you’ll make that?!” Ruby asked. “I’m happy to take you…”

“That…sort of works out perfect because then the girls will all fit in Matt’s car. Um…the game finishes at 8:30pm. Interviews until 9pm. Arrive at the airport around 10pm. Cutting it close for international but it’s a late flight and nobody will be there… I think we can make it?” She shrugged and booked the flight anyways. If she didn’t make it, it wasn’t meant to be.

Jordan grinned. “Tell her to thank me when you get there.”

“Honestly, I’m probably going to be passed out from fatigue all day and not even get the chance.”

Her phone buzzed. It was the flight confirmation.

“Are you sure?” She asked Jordan. Sure, she’d already booked the flight, but it was cheap and she didn’t care. She wanted Jordan to be okay.

Jordan grabbed her around the shoulders and smiled. “I promise it’s okay. You’ve really cheered me up today and helped with my Friday night decision. Plus, I have the girls tonight. We both know you’ll just pass out anyways.”

“How dare you…” she laughed as the crowd began cheering loudly as the players re-entered the field. Ruby and Matt got to work. She stood to do the same when her phone buzzed again.

Joe: Done, they sent us through two invitations. Check your emails. Enjoy!

She grinned at the message and then at Jordan.

“What?” She handed her phone over and Jordan took it, an ecstatic look crossing her face. “Yes mate!”

She took her phone back and pocketed it, holding her camera up to take photos of the players as they ran out.

“One condition.”

“Anything.”

She jerked her head towards Leah who was wandering over to the pair. “You tell her.”

Jordan groaned. “Okay but at the end of the night. She can sweat until then.”

YFN chuckled at that.

Starting the second half 2-0 against them meant Arsenal had to push deep. And they did. Arsenal kicked six goals in the second half. Their first came at a hesitation from Courtney which YFN felt terrible for. She was next to Leah when that happened who filmed a mic’d up scream of joy from behind the Leicester goal as the shot went in. Slowly Jordan gravitated towards Leah more during the match, Leah managing to let her come at her own pace. The rest of the match was an absolute riot. Caitlin with an assist and a goal, Katie with an assist, and Kyra with multiple attempts at goal. She was shocked when she saw Courtney take Kyra down in the 83rd minute and wondered just how much of the history between them she didn’t know. The game ended 2-6 Arsenal. A complete second half dominance that had Leah screaming with joy on the sidelines. It turned out to be the perfect day to test the mic’d up segment, as she posted the live updates with video’s Leah had taken of her yelling at the girls running towards goal and screaming, turning the camera around on herself to show her celebrating. It was great content.

Regardless of the outcome, the Leicester players still came over for their interviews. First she had Sam, Sophie, Frida and Beth who actually did get some game time and almost a first goal since she’d come back from her ACL tear. Beth was the loudest, of course, and helped Frida to open up a bit. Frida had some back and forth with the Leicester girls talking about some of the plays including Sam’s goal. Overall, she was happy with the results of the interview, and how much the girls had come out of their shells.

Next was her interview with Courtney and Kyra who seemed equally nervous next to each other. They knew each other well though. YFN waited to sense the overall mood before she allowed herself to go in with some cheeky questions about Courtney’s tackle on Kyra, and Kyra’s debut. Her goal was to get them to start teasing each other, and it worked. At first, they didn’t want to address each other, and after a few comments here and there, it was more them talking and throwing cheeky comments to each other, and YFN could almost sit back and enjoy watching the show. She had to steer it a few times of course, both were young, but the tension between the two was obvious. For the sake of the viewers and their privacy, YFN made sure to make it known to the camera that they were teammates and brought up that they went to school together as justification which started a whole other line of questioning about their start in football.

Only when she was satisfied that she’d helped them break whatever awkwardness they’d previously had, did she end the interview, but not before she told Kyra how proud she was of her on camera for her debut. Courtney gave her a proud shove for that too.

Being Australians, and women, they all hugged their goodbyes, Kyra whispering a thanks into her ear. As they were packing up, she could see them still chatting as Courtney was being called away. She gave Kyra her phone and she typed into it what YFN assumed was her number. Courtney gave an awkward wave, obviously not knowing whether a hug was appropriate, and ran into the change rooms. Kyra turned to YFN with a grin and a little fist pump. It was adorable.

She looked past Kyra to where Leah and Jordan were standing, Jordan telling her she’d go on Friday. Leah’s expression flashed excitement before she contained it, and then it went a little shy as she pretended to be calm about it. They didn’t speak for long, just enough for Jordan to agree before she wandered off with Leah’s eyes following her longingly. She watched for a while until she met YFN’s eye and blushed, having been caught. She mouthed a ‘thank you’ to which she gave a smile in return.

“We really need to go.” Ruby stressed. She looked at the time and groaned. She only had time for quick goodbyes with everyone and a threat to Katie and Caitlin to not have sex in her bed. Katie seemed to enjoy the idea of the threat, to be honest, and that terrified her.

She rushed through security as quickly as possible and was the last person to board the flight, sweating and grateful she’d made it, though cursing herself for having to stay longer just to make sure Kyra and Courtney were good. As with her morning flight, she passed out immediately and wished she had a chance for a shower before seeing Lucy. Instead of a shower, she tidied herself up in the bathroom at the Barcelona airport when she touched down, changing her clothes and washing away the day. She brushed her teeth and did her nightly makeup routine, ignoring some funny looks. She sure as hell wasn’t going to let her skin suffer more than it already was with the change in weather between the UK and Spain.

Her Uber dropped her off at just before 3am and for some reason she was nervous, jiggling the keys Lucy had given her in her hands and playing with the little flags. At the front door she took a deep breath in and unlocked the door, entering as quietly as possible so as to not wake Lucy or Narla. She kicked off her shoes and left her suitcase in the entrance, not wanting to risk the wheels waking them. The smell as she walked into the house was home. Vanilla and bitter orange, and whatever the hell Lucy had been cooking for dinner. She swore she could even smell the big breakfast they’d had that morning. She looked at the trophy Lucy still had out and smiled, putting her phone on charge next to it before tip-toeing her way into the bedroom.

Lucy was quite literally dead asleep. She was on her back facing YFN’s side of the bed, one hand touching the pillow YFN had been sleeping on the night before. She was beautiful. She loved seeing her so vulnerable and herself. Her dark hair was spread out over the pillow, another thing she loved. Lucy with her hair down. She clicked the door closed quietly and snuck around to her side of the bed, avoiding Lucy’s collection of shoes around the bed. She carefully laid down and when she touched Lucy’s hand to move it, she jerked awake, her head rising and her eyes opening.

“It’s just me.” She whispered and put a hand to her cheek, coming closer so Lucy could see her better without her glasses.

“What? What?” She was dazed and confused, her body tense.

“Shhh. Shhhh.” She comforted and cuddled up to her, her head finding Lucy’s collarbone. “It’s okay, it’s just me. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“Little one?” She asked, unbelieving. “You…you’re here.”

Her arms wrapped around YFN tighter than they ever had before, holding her close to her body, her own body softening into her. “Is everything okay?!”

“Everything’s fine, Luce. I have the next two days off. I’m all yours.”

Lucy groaned happily and kissed her wherever she could reach.

“Sleep now, Luce.”

“You’re home,” she whispered huskily with emotion, her voice already fading.

“I’m home.”

[poraphia]

"I’ll Hold Your Hands."

Wilbur x anxious!reader 1303 words • 8.16.23 Request from @ax-y10! Reader has anxiety and picks at their hands and fingers. Reader is also overstimulated and nervous, but Will comforts! wilbur soot masterlist here :)

It's our first date, but you've shown me that even through anxious habits, you'll do anything to make me happy.

♡♡♡

“Hey, you ready?” A soft voice asked through the phone. Even with no effort his accent could send shivers down my spine.

“Mhm,” I hummed. “Give me a moment to come downstairs.” I took one final look in the mirror, making sure my outfit was pressed down enough to compliment my curves and gorgeous enough to let Will know there won’t be any regrets in asking me out. I slipped on the perfect set of shoes before walking out of my hotel room and toward the nearest elevator.

I was only staying in Brighton for two weeks before heading back home. Wilbur and I have been friends for a while beforehand. It wasn’t until recently that mutual feelings started to bubble up between us. It was a late night 2 AM call when Will asked me:

“Hey, (y/n)..?”

“Yes, Will?”

“Um… If you do come to Brighton anytime soon… I know a lovely place for us to eat dinner.”

I chuckled, noticing the shyness of his voice. “Are you asking me out, Mr. Gold?”

“Perhaps.”

After some packing and planning, I flew out to the United Kingdom to visit friends, travel to different locations, and most of all, go on my first date with the one and only, Wilbur Soot.

The elevator doors slid open. I walked out with the clicking of my shoes echoing down the hallway. Once I made it to the lobby, it didn’t take long to spot the dashing tall man sitting on one of the complementary couches. His legs were crossed with his glasses resting upon the bridge of his nose. I waved at him in an attempt to get his attention, and soon enough he spotted me as well.

Once he got up, I was able to see his outfit more properly. He was wearing black slacks with black dress shoes on, and he wore an orange dress shirt with the top three buttons unbuttoned. His hair was fluffier than usual, and his sleeves were folded up to show his forearms.

A big smile was planted on his face now as he outstretched his arms. I picked up my pace before nearly throwing myself in his embrace, hugging him tightly. His limbs wrapped around my waist before lifting me in the air and twirling me around.

“It feels good to finally see you!” He exclaimed through laughs. He put me down and stepped back a bit, admiring my outfit. “You look so beautiful..” He muttered.

A soft chuckle escaped my lips. “I could say the same for you.” I said, making sure I hid my hands behind my back. He raised an eyebrow before reaching for my arm and holding my hand.

“Come on, the restaurant is just a taxi cab away.” He said, to which I nodded in response. We walked side-by-side, but a bit of my confidence faltered. Did he notice my fingers? I painted them this morning so that from a glance, they looked perfectly fine. But I know that with a good look, anyone could notice the peeling skin, the bitten-off nails, and the swollen tips. It’s safe to say, I wasn’t opting to be a hand model anytime soon.

Wilbur kept my hand in his as we entered the taxi. After he directed the driver and paid him, he turned to me. “Hey, you doing alright?” He asked. He used his thumb to soothe the back of my hand, but his furrowed eyebrows and worried glance never left my face.

“Hm? Oh, I’m fine, Will, don’t worry.” I reassured.

I was very much not fine.

I didn’t have the realization that I was in an entirely new country, going on a date with a long-term best friend I’ve had on the internet, to what I presume to be a relatively fancy restaurant in the city—

until now.

Nervously, with my other hand, I started to pick off the skin of my thumb with my index finger, a little frustrated that I was unable to use both hands. Wilbur and I continued to have regular conversations as I absent-mindedly scratched off nail polish and skin.

Once we got to the restaurant, I made sure to hide my other hand in my pocket or behind my back. Anywhere out of Wilbur’s vision. The only time Wilbur let go of my hand was to check off the reservation he had for us as we followed the waiter to our table. In cushioned chairs, we sat across from each other. The white tablecloth and circular surface sat promptly in between us.

Our waiter placed the menus in front of us, and Wilbur immediately picked up the booklet to begin examining the options. I, on the other hand, quickly flipped it open and hid my hands under the table, still fiddling with swollen fingers. Once again, my heart was racing. The abundance of people in the room chattering with utensils clinking against plates, someone I consider important in my life sitting right in front of me, my shaking leg bouncing my hands up and down— I’m getting overstimulated.

“(y/n)? (y/n)!” His voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up, only to notice our waiter was back with a pen and notepad. I glanced over to Will. His head was tilted, and he only looked at me with concerned glistens in his eyes. “Do you know what you want to drink?” He asked softly. I looked over to the waiter again.

“Oh— uh, can I just get a water?” I asked, stammering over my words. The waiter nodded before walking away to retrieve our beverages.

“(y/n), you haven’t been holding up so well and you look pale. Is everything alright?” Wilbur asked. His hands were placed on the table, almost reaching at me so that he may take my hand in his. I sighed, looking down at my lap in shame.

“You promise not to judge, right?” I said.

Wilbur shook his head. “No, no, of course not, love… Tell me what’s wrong.”

With a deep inhale, I placed my hands on the table. My nail polish was chipped, and the tips of my fingers were beet red. By the sides of my nails, my skin was peeling off.

“Oh, sweetheart,” He sighed. Carefully, he picked my hands up by the palm and brought them close to his lips, gingerly kissing each finger with the softness of his lips. My face flushed at the sight, not being able to look away.

“I-it’s just,” I started. Tiny tears started to prick at my eyes. “I didn’t realize how fast this was all happening, and I guess I started to get all… Panic-y. I-I’m just really sorry. I didn’t want to ruin tonight.” I stuttered out with a trembling voice.

“Love, I promise you, you didn’t ruin anything. Everything is okay. Do you want to get out of here? If this is all too much we can go back to the hotel and just hang out there. Anything you want, (y/n). Because what matters at the end of the day, to me, is that we have a great time together.” He planted one last kiss in the palm of my hand. “That’s all I want for us.”

I couldn’t help the small sniffle as the warmth of his words wrapped me tightly in a blanket. I looked at him with lovestruck in my eyes. I wanted to do nothing but melt in his embrace, bury myself in the crook of his neck every morning, to hold hands while walking around the big city. At that moment I knew—

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

With the sincerest smile, I looked at him.

“Just keep holding my hands, Will.”

In turn, his dimples nearly lit up my whole world.

“Only for you.”

♡♡♡

a / n ~ eep hope you enjoyed! Ax i hope this comforts you in some sort of way I lowkey had to do my research for this one loll

[duskstargazer]

[1988]

Typically, Billy and Brighton rotated piloting duties, but one of Billy's piston rods had broken off, so Brighton had to assist Victor in the Works in her place.

This left Crovan to assemble her return train herself.

Now, Crovan had no reservations about shunting her own trains, but she was by no means ideal for it. Nevertheless, she did her best to navigate the occasionally tight trackwork, and used other wagons when she herself couldn't reach the trucks she needed.

Crovan was moving to fetch some wagons from the out-of-use siding, when a faulty set of points sent her down the wrong line. She came to a gentle stop, and found herself in a rather forlorn part of the yard - one very much tucked away.

Crovan looked around. Weeds and tall grass grew, threatening to conceal the rails she was on. Rails that weren't yet corroded, but that had undoubtedly seen better days.

The big diesel then gazed sympathetically at the buildings near the line. Buildings that were falling in on themselves. She could only imagine what this area would've looked like in its prime. A prime she would never know.

She was just looking down at a set of derelict tramway lines, going into the town, when an angry gust of wind struck her. A bundle of leaves blew past her, and a dark object brushed past her buffer. Crovan might not have noticed it if she wasn't looking directly at it.

“What's that…?” She murmured.

Her driver jumped down and picked it up. She stared for a minute.

“It's… a hat.”

An old top hat, but one that had been ravaged by time, seemingly even more than the buildings themselves.

She made to set it back down, when another sudden burst of wind gave her pause.

“Do you think we should hold onto it?” Crovan asked, abruptly. “It looks important.”

The driver looked down at the hat once more, then nodded once, and climbed back into the cab. Both pretended not to notice the way the wind suddenly seemed to die down, becoming little more than a peaceful breeze, as though the area had just been liberated of a great and terrible burden.

[stephensmithuk]

A Study in Scarlet: The Lauriston Gardens Mystery

To quote the current dress regulations of the Royal Navy (https://www.royalnavy.mod.uk/-/media/royal-navy-responsive/documents/reference-library/br-3-vol-1/chapter-38.pdf): "Sideburns for RM [Royal Marines] Personnel shall not extend below halfway down the ear." Moustaches can be worn by Royal Marines at their discretion, but not regular Royal Navy personnel. Beards require authorisation and are to be shaved off if the situation means that a gas mask is likely to be needed.

A hansom is a two-wheeled horsedrawn carriage with the driver sitting on an open-air seat at the back and officially two (although three could squeeze in) passengers in an enclosed cab below him, being able to give the driver instructions through a trap door. They were the standard London taxi until motorcabs turned up in 1908 and were largely superseded by the early 1920s, although the last licence for a hansom wasn't given up until 1947. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hansom_cab)

Taxis in London can be hailed on the street or via cab ranks. Minicabs were of course not a thing at this point. The taxi business in London has been regulated since 1635 - when the numbers proliferating the streets were starting to cause hazards.

A hat tip to @geeoharee for raising the distance involved for the taxi journey. At around 5.4 miles drive, you would probably be looking at around £24 at today's prices, depending on traffic.

The Brixton Road dates back to the Roman era as it was part of the London to Brighton (to use their modern names) road - it is today part of the A23 that follows the same route and is notably used for the annual London to Brighton Veteran Car Run. It had - and still has - a lot of Regency-style houses.

Strand is a major throughfare in the City of Westminster, part of the London theatreland area.

Trichinopoly is now called Tiruchirappalli, a major city in Tamil Nadu, India.

[lnwrcauli]

Thomas the Tank Engine [NWR AU]

(Brief) History

Thomas is an LB&SCR E2 built in 1915. He was hired out to the newly-formed NWR, where he was subsequently (and quite suspiciously) sold after being written off as "lost in action". After the end of WWI, Thomas was allocated to Vicarstown to act as station pilot. During his tenure here, he was dragged along behind the Wild Nor' Wester as far as Crovan's Gate, after which he required new bearings on his coupling rods and valve gear.

In 1925, Thomas ran away down Gordon's Hill with a goods train. This act of negligence caused The Fat Director to re-allocate him to Wellsworth to learn how to handle wagons properly. His tenure here was short, however, as the then newly-purchased James also ran away down Gordon's Hill with a goods train later that month. After the alarm was raised, Thomas sprung into action with the breakdown train, his actions earned him re-assignment to the Ffarquhar Branchline. He worked here rather uneventfully for some thirty years until 1955 when a cleaner meddled with his controls and he ran into the stationmaster's house, badly damaging his front end. Repairs took longer than previously thought due to some issues securing the works drawings from Brighton, and when he finally returned to traffic in 1957, he had been completely rebuilt and reclassified. His running plate had been brought flush with his bufferbeams, his boiler, cab, bunker and tanks had been lowered and his classification was changed from LB&SCR E2 to NWR A1.

Returning to traffic, he had quite the few run-ins with Daisy, whom had done his work in his absence, as well as with the freshly-bought FQC No. 2 Mavis. From here, Thomas' life calmed down significantly, and except from a few mainline railtours, he has mostly remained on his little branchline in peace.

Personality

Thomas is, as expected, a cheeky little bugger with a loud mouth. He's immature, fussy, impatient and a joker. Since getting his branchline however, Thomas has matured somewhat, though he is still the witty little blighter he was in 1915.

This is my first stab at an existing character, it may not be the most fleshed-out, but I tried.

See you in the next one.

Cheerio!

[spottedenchants]

I wwill 100% take suggestions fire (ha) away!

AH OKAY!! (your lovely list in case anyone is curious for context! 👀👀)

Burn Your Life Down covered by Bleachers

Very staring-at-the-ceiling-wishing-for-either-sleep-or-death both in terms of lyrics and sound. Caleb burnt his life down once, so he knows he could do it again. But he won't. But- what if he does. If he doesn't pay attention, something will make the choice for him, and we all know how much he emphasizes and values his autonomy with regards to the atrocities he's willing and able to commit.

-

Forest Fire by Brighton

I like thinking about the conversations early Caleb might have with Bren. We know Caleb planned over the course of the whole campaign to bring his parents back, but did he ever think of other routes? Did he ever have moments when he could see the blazing, bloodied path from Bren to him and wish he could go back and grab Bren by the shoulders, timeline be damned, and cry into him everything he knows now so maybe he won't end up like Caleb? I dunno, but this song makes me think of that xD

-

The Burnin' by Nik Ammar

This one's a bit more early Caleb @ early Caleb than early Caleb @ Bren I think- something about Caleb taking blame, responsibility, fault for who he was and carrying it all into the present even after the cleric clears his mind. A bit mopier than his usual smoldering self-hatred but still :3

-

Ashes by Arrows to Athens

Graduation day! Or- with the journey there superimposed onto it, and all that superimposed onto Everything before that. There's one particular page in the comic (28 in the digital version), the montage as the drei are headed back to Blumenthal, that just really Hits with this song, so much so that I don't remember the context I originally added it for xD

-

Torches by The Oh Hellos

Just. Just pull up the lyrics- it's Scourger training verse one and Bren on the run verse two. This song feels like a threatening grin morphing into endangered smile.

(shoutout to @vagabondfirelily for this one!)

-

Home is a Fire by Death Cab for Cutie

The song's more about earthquakes and stuff but I think Caleb's story counts as pretty ground-shaking xD Really an emphasis on the impermanence of everything, buildings, people, safety. This song sounds like a nervous smile to me.

-

Hold Me Like a Fire by Reuben and the Dark

This makes me think of Caleb and his first experiences with the beacon. Hear me out- the choir Constantly repeating the contradictory chorus once Caleb has a twinge of a thought of possibility, Caleb seeing all of himself and all he could be, Caleb's parents living through him both in memory and narratively b/c he hasn't yet opened the proverbial cat box to see if they're still dead.

-

Fire Fire by Flyleaf

Wrote some thoughts here :D

(shoutout to @valakiir for this one!)

-

Bonus!

The Empire & the Sun by The Moth & The Flame

No fire in the title BUT it is in the band name AND one of the lines is literally "I'm a house on fire, and everyone is leaving (me)", so xD

I absolutely Must peddle this song for Caleb because it just fits soooo well with his self-hatred, his desperate desire to see the potential for change in others (and, by extension, himself), and the bone-deep bonds he forms despite himself

[foundtherightwords]

Love in a Storm - Chapter 2

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Chrissy Cunningham (Regency AU)

Summary: A devastating loss threatens the happy marriage of Edward and Christine Munson, Lord and Lady Hurtsfield. However, when Edward is accused of a crime he didn't commit, Christine has to set her grief aside and embark on a perilous journey to prove her husband's innocence.

Warnings: childbirth, stillbirth, infertility, angst, false accusation, wrongful imprisonment, legal drama, some violence (non-graphic), some smut (non-explicit)

Chapter warnings: period-typical attitudes toward women and infertility, some awkward sex

Chapter word count: 3.4k

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

London, February 1820

"Your ladyship, please come inside. It's snowing."

Christine was startled by the maid's voice. She looked down and saw that, indeed, snowflakes were sprinkling over her hands as well as the rose bushes and the shears she was using to prune them. They melted almost as soon as they touched her skin. She put the shears away, gathered her shawl more closely around her, and went into the warmth of the drawing room.

"Is his lordship back yet?" she asked the maid.

"No, ma'am. He said he'd meet you at the doctor's."

Christine sighed. They were due to meet a sterility specialist that afternoon, one of the many they had consulted over the last eight months. They had tried every herbal remedy, every tonic, every tincture available. They had gone to Bath to take the water and to Brighton to try sea-bathing, and finally, at Dr. Sinclair's recommendation, they had gone to London and visited physician after physician, listening to their treatises on uterine scarring and defects and imbalance, being subjected to one uncomfortable interview after another, filled with indelicate questions and even more indelicate examinations. She doubted this one would be any different. She knew Edward only accompanied her out of love; he had no faith in these doctors, whom he deemed to be greedy quacks trying to make money from others' unhappiness and desperation. She could hardly blame him for not wanting to see another one, especially one who demanded that they came to him, instead of allowing them to consult him in the privacy of their own home.

At least they could afford the privacy. Christine smiled mockingly to herself when she imagined what her mother would think about having a parade of doctors in and out of her house. But a year ago, during a trip to Naples with her friend Lady Harrington, Mrs. Connyngham had, against all odds, caught the eye of an Italian man. He was untitled but wealthy enough and seemed to dote on her, which greatly made up for any lack of peerage in Mrs. Connyngham's eyes. She had decided to make Naples her permanent home, giving Edward and Christine the use of her townhouse in Hanover Square. Though, to be fair, the house was in Edward's name, considering he had been paying its rent. Still, Christine's relationship with her mother had improved a great deal now that there were over a thousand miles between them.

Later, as the cab rattled toward the specialist's office, Christine couldn't help feeling slightly hurt that Edward wasn't there to accompany her. London had been in chaos since the passing of the late king just two weeks before, and there was a sense of unease on the damp, foggy streets. There seemed to be more police officers mingling about, recognizable by their red waistcoats and tall stovepipe hats. A group of laborers congregating on the curb was roughly broken up by a constable. There was hostility and fear on people's faces, and the usual noises of the city had a threatening note to them.

Christine sighed again and wished she hadn't let Edward convince her to stay in London. In the immediate days after the loss of their son, they had found comfort in grieving with each other, but in the months that followed, the comfort wore off. It became painful to be around each other and be reminded of what they could have had. So Edward had started going out more, focusing more on his charity work. Christine had encouraged it at first, thinking it would benefit him to find other things to engage his time, knowing she was not the best company when melancholy had her in its grips. That was when he decided to spend the summer in London. It would be more convenient for them to seek treatment and allow him to become more involved with reform efforts. For a while, he seemed to have found a new sense of purpose, brimming with ideas, looking as excited as he had back when he'd just started the school in their village, in the early days of their marriage.

Then the riot in Manchester, labeled "the Peterloo massacre" by newspapers for its bloody conclusion, occurred, followed shortly by the passing of the Six Acts. Christine, who did not follow politics at all, was alarmed the day Edward came home with a thunderous expression, some newspaper clutched in his hand. "Is something the matter?" she asked.

"This," he said, tossing the paper onto the table. The headline "SIX ACTS PASSED" jumped out at her, followed by the cartoon of a chained and gagged man wearing tattered clothes. She picked it up and scanned the article. 

"Read the third one, the Seditious Meetings Act," Edward told her.

"Any parties wishing to meet for consideration of subjects connected with church or state should notify their intention by a requisition signed by seven householders, and it should be illegal for any person not usually inhabiting the place where it was called, to attend," Christine read. "Every meeting for radical reform is an overt act of treasonable conspiracy against the King and his government." She looked up at Edward. "What does this mean?"

"It means we are losing our freedom," Edward said grimly.

His mood had changed after that. On the rare occasion that she accompanied him to the drawing rooms of the Hargrove sisters and their friends, Christine could hear him ranting and raving against the Six Acts to everyone and anyone that would listen. And he still went to meetings, despite the harsh law now restricting them. Just that morning, he had gone to meet with the Hargrove sisters to discuss the organization of a free day school in Whitechapel. Christine had nothing against Miss Beatrice and Miss Minerva Hargrove, though she had found them rather intimidating upon first meeting. In their fifties, they had seen too much of the world to care what others thought of them, and quietly but undauntedly, they went about making changes wherever they could, regardless of the law. Christine knew it was unfair and unjust that their charity work, aimed solely at bettering the lives of less fortunate women and children, could now be seen as seditious. She was even glad that Edward had found solace in working with them, whereas she herself couldn't. She merely wished he didn't have to endanger himself while doing so.

She knew this was selfish of her and felt ashamed. There were others who had been through much greater tragedies than the loss of a child, and yet others whose loss of a child had been much more tragic than hers - just look at the Hoppers, whose only son was cut down in his prime in a senseless war. And her husband was out there, helping them. If only he could find a way to help her as well...

***

Christine was ushered into the specialist's consulting room by a maid. The specialist, Dr. Brenner, with his pure silver hair, black eyebrows, and unlined face, looked more like a stage actor than a physician. He glanced at her card and stood up to greet her with a little condescending smile, and Christine immediately knew this would turn out to be another humiliating experience.

"Will Lord Hurstfield be joining us, your ladyship?" he asked.

"I hope so," Christine replied, though without conviction.

"His lordship has been busy, I've heard," Brenner said, smiling thinly. Christine's irritation rose, though she didn't know if it was with the specialist or Edward. Edward had always been vocal about his beliefs, but sometimes, he could be too vocal. He forgot that for all of its largeness and its crowds, London society could feel like a small town, tight-knit and full of gossip. For once, she was glad Edward was not with her. He would not hold his tongue in front of this man.

"My husband's charity work is very important to him," she said.

"Shall we wait for him then?"

"I don't see why, unless you wish to examine as well," Christine said, keeping her voice even. The specialist's smile wavered slightly.

"I can assure you, your ladyship, there is no need for a physical examination," he said. "I do not subscribe to the newfangled, and frankly immoral, notion of some of my colleagues that they need to be intimately familiar with a patient's body to treat them." Then how do you expect to know what's ailing them? Christine thought but said nothing. "These notes from your personal physician will suffice."

He looked over the notes from Dr. Sinclair with a theatrical air, and regarded Christine for a long moment. "I do believe, your ladyship, that your struggle to conceive has less to do with physical issues and more with mental ones," he announced.

"Oh?" She had heard that before.

"The scarring from your stillbirth, as described by your personal physician, should heal by now. And if there is no problem in your marital relations—"

"There isn't," Christine said, her face turning pink. And it was true, at least in the physical sense, though it had taken them months to be intimate again. But she wasn't going to tell this pompous little man that.

"Well, then, it is as I suspect," Brenner said, putting Dr. Sinclair's notes aside. "It appears you are prone to melancholy and hysteria."

Christine knew Dr. Sinclair's notes didn't say that. What they did say, however, was that she had once had a brush with death after ingesting arsenic in a moment of despair and madness. Brenner had simply drawn his own conclusion from that.

"You often take long walks or go horse-riding, do you not?" he asked. It was the first question he'd asked her.

"I thought exercises were good for one's health," Christine said, confused.

"But such restless activity, my lady, is detrimental to your ability to conceive. I can prescribe you some calming tonic, but it is essential that you stay away from any sort of excitement. Keep to your home and your feminine roles."

Christine was losing her patience now. "I am here for your medical advice, doctor," she said, "not to have you tell me how to live my life."

"This is my medical advice. It is well known that a woman's neglect of her calling goes hand in hand with sterility. All those women, running around in the name of good causes and demanding equal rights, willfully rejecting their duties..."

"What duties?" she asked, raising her voice. "How could I fulfill them if I have no child to raise, to care for?"

"You have your husband, and it appears he is more interested in helping other women than helping his own wife," Brenner said coldly.

Christine stared at him, too angry to speak. Finally, she stood up. "I think it is you that are neglecting your duties, doctor. You are not my spiritual guidance, or my father, or my brother. Your duties are to treat my physical ailments. If you refuse to do so, then I must take my business elsewhere. Good day."

She turned on her heel and almost ran into Edward, who burst in at that very moment, his hair wild, his cravat askew, followed by the flustered-looking maid. "Apologies for my late arrival," he said. "What's happened?" he asked, looking from Christine's furious face to Brenner's indignant one.

"Nothing. We are leaving," Christine said, pulling him along.

***

It was only when they were in the relative privacy of the hackney cab that Christine unleashed her fury on Edward. "Where were you?!" she hissed.

"I'm so sorry. The meeting ran later than I thought..."

"I've never been so humiliated in my life!"

"What did he say to you?"

"He didn't ask me a thing. He simply decided, after one look at me, that he knew all about me, all about our life. He blamed me for being restless, for not keeping you at home so you could impregnate me—"

"He what?!"

"Not in so many words, but the implication was clear."

"Of all the impertinent—"

Edward half-rose from his seat to stop the cab, but Christine pushed him back. "What are you intending to do, challenge him to a duel for insulting me?" she said, exasperated. Edward opened his mouth to speak, then decided against it and sat down apologetically.

Suddenly Christine felt as if all her strength was drained out of her. She slumped against her husband. He wrapped his arm around her, and she snuggled closer to him. "I'm tired of it, Edward," she said. "Tired of doctors and their probing and prodding, tired of all the medicines and potions. Let us go home."

Edward didn't answer, and she glanced up at him. He was looking out the cab's window, his brow furrowed in thoughts. "Edward?"

He turned back to her with a quick smile. "Yes, dear?"

Suspicion immediately reared its head in Christine's mind. Edward never called her dear, except when he had something to hide. But she knew better than to ask. He would always tell her of his own volition in a day or two.

"Let us go home," she repeated.

"We are going home."

"No, I mean home to Yorkshire. To Hurstfield."

His face was unchanged, but the arm around her shoulder stiffened slightly.

"I know you still have a lot of work here," she said. "But we can go home, can't we?"

"Of course. Give me a week or so to make sure the school is set up and the Misses Hargrove can continue without me, and we'll go home."

"Thank you," Christine said and leaned back against him. But his arm remained rigid, and he kept his eyes out the window.

***

Edward remained distracted over dinner. Though she tried not to let Dr. Brenner's judgmental words affect her, Christine couldn't stop herself from mulling over them as she watched Edward across the table. He did look more wearied than she'd remember, his hair tangled, his eyes dimmed and sunken, and she felt a pang in her heart. Had she been too focused on her own grief and neglecting her husband's?

Later, she found him in the study, going over their account books. Back in Yorkshire, where the estate was much more vast and difficult to run, the accounts were the domain of Edward and his steward, but here in London, he left the running of the household to Christine, so she was surprised to find him looking at them. "What are you looking for?" she asked, eager to be of help.

Edward jumped and hastened to put the book down. "Oh, uh, nothing in particular. Just want to make sure the accounts are in order before we go home, that's all."

"I can do that, you know."

"Yes, but you've had a trying day."

Christine lingered by the desk, rearranging the already neat papers and quills and inkstand. "Edward, what would happen if we could never have another child?" eventually she asked.

Edward gazed at her for a moment, then reached for her hand and pulled her down on his lap. "We've been over this matter before, Christine," he said. "It is of no importance to me."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her face into his chest. How comfortable and safe it was to sit like this, in his arms and with his lips on her hair. If only that was enough to chase away all the pain and the doubt. "But what about your inheritance?" she asked. They had gotten married so that Edward could inherit from his great aunt, whose will stipulated that he must have a wife and produce an heir.

"I rather hope that you would want to have children with me because you're madly in love with me, not because you're worried about the inheritance," Edward said, glancing down at her with a twinkle in his eyes. But upon seeing Christine's beseeching look, he sobered up. "I'd give it back, if it came to that," he said.

She was stunned. "You would?"

"Yes. Hurstfield is prosperous now, we can afford it." He kissed her forehead. "I married you for you, remember?"

"I thought you married me to secure your inheritance," she teased.

"Well, that was a nice bonus too." He smiled, sliding his lips down her cheek to her mouth, and for a moment, while she kissed him back, it was as if nothing had changed between them. Then the kiss became more pressing, more eager, and his hand started moving under her wrap, under her nightgown, and Christine tensed up, not from anticipation, but apprehension. Though it had been nearly two years, she still remembered the pain all too well - the pain in her body, and the pain in her heart. Involuntarily, she turned her head to the side.

"Is—is everything all right?" Edward asked.

"Everything is fine," she said, reaching up to caress his face. "Let us go to bed."

He leaned down to kiss her again. Then, putting his arms under her, he picked her up and carried her to their bedroom, his lips never leaving hers. As he put her down on the bed, she forced herself to focus on the kiss, on him, his soft lips, his hair entwined in her fingers, his familiar smell, his warm hands touching her in all the places he knew she liked. But her mind kept wandering. Every time they made love now, she both hoped and feared it might result in a child. Perhaps it would this time, this time, or this time. But what if it did result in a child? Could she carry that child to term? What if the child died as well? Could they face that pain once more?

She tried not to flinch when he slid into her, but Edward must have noticed and paused. "Are you—" he said, his face wavering above hers. "We don't have to—if you're not..."

"No." As much as she feared a pregnancy, her desire for it was stronger. She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer. "Don't stop." They couldn't afford to stop.

She kissed him, trying to sweeten the act, but it didn't help much. She wasn't sure if this could be called lovemaking. There was something mechanical about it, two people having become so familiar with each other that there was no longer any newness or excitement to their touches. Before, she had taken comfort in that familiarity. Now it felt almost... dreary.

A coolness on her skin lifted her out of her reverie, and she realized Edward had withdrawn from her. She didn't even know when he had finished. Now he was sitting up, looking at her. The flickering flame of the candle kept his face half in shadow, so she couldn't fully make out his expression. There was sadness there, and something else too. Guilt? Disappointment? With her or with himself? She couldn't tell.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He brushed his lips over her temple, before blowing out the candle and lying down with his back to her.

***

When Christine's breath had steadied, Edward gently turned around so he could watch her in her sleep. She looked so fragile, with her hands inert on the counterpane, the bruised lids covering her eyes, the fine lines of pain etched on her forehead and at the corners of her eyes like cobwebs, lines that a thousand kisses and touches could never erase. There was so much he wished he could tell her, so much he wanted to share with her. It had been on the tip of his tongue when they left the specialist's office, but then he had seen the way she'd covered her pale face, the way her hands had shaken with futile rage and exhaustion, and the words had died before they could reach his lips. He had always prided himself on being truthful in his marriage, but this was one truth he couldn't burden her with. She had been through enough. No. This trouble was his to bear alone, and bear it he would.

Chapter 3

A/N: No, this Dr. Brenner is not the same Brenner in canon. Some other ST characters (or, rather, their Regency equivalents) are going to show up later, but in this case, I just ran out of names :))

[tunbridge-wells-taxi]

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[fussy-sammy]

Wincest playlist

Okay here's my wincest playlist! It's kinda long, I think it totals to like 6 hours or something?

But feel free to send asks if you wanna know about why a particular song (or songs) is in the list! I'll try to include a link to the song with my answer!

I Just Wanna Know - NF

Ricochet - Starset

Always Gold - Radical Face

Come Back to Me - David Cook

Uneasy - One Less Reason

Guiltfree - Bootstraps

Fix You - Coldplay

What If - Safety Suit

The Kids Aren’t Alright - Fall Out Boy

Things We Lost In The Fire - Bastille

Thick as Thieves - Shinedown

Forest Fire - Brighton

God’s Fault - Matthew Mayfield

Burnin’ for You - Blue Oyster Cult

Hey Brother - Avicii

Shame - Bastille

Brother - X Ambassadors

Fourth Of July - Fall Out Boy

Little Brother - The Blue Stones

Hell and Back - The Airborne Toxic Event

Let You Down - NF

Twenty Twelve - Matt Maeson

Misfits - Shinedown

Life Starts Now - Three Days Grace

Right Here - Staind

Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

The Real You - Three Days Grace

The One Who Stayed and the One Who Left - Regina Spektor

Heaven - Dalton Rapattoni

For My Brother - Blue October

I’ll Follow You - Shinedown

The End is Not the Answer - Three Days Grace

This Is The Thing - Fink

The Distance - One Less Reason

Passenger Seat - Death Cab for Cutie

Stop - Dalton Rapattoni

Brother - NEEDTOBREATHE

Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons

Coming Home - Young Rising Songs

Come Back Home - Matthew Mayfield

Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You - The 1975

Follow You Down - Matthew Mayfield

My Blood - Twenty One Pilots

You Had Your Soul With You - The National

Home - Phillip Phillips

Hell - Have Mercy

When I Sleep - Have Mercy

Pieces - Rob Thomas

Let’s Talk About Your Hair - Have Mercy

Cry Out - Tom Walker

Beggar’s Song - Matt Maeson

I Bet My Life - Imagine Dragons

Dancing After Death - Matt Maeson

Safe And Sound - Capital Cities

Demons - Imagine Dragons

Handyman - AWOLNATION

Goodbye - Cage The Elephant

Amsterdam - Imagine Dragons

All I Need - AWOLNATION

Boomerang - Imagine Dragons

Table for One - AWOLNATION

When We Drive - Death Cab for Cutie

Blood’s Thicker Than Water - Bobby Bazini

HEY CHILD - X Ambassadors

Flaws - Bastille

My Fault - Imagine Dragons

Some Boys - Death Cab for Cutie

Favorite Record - Fall Out Boy

Out of the Woods - Anthem Lights

I Found - Amber Run

Freak - Lana Del Rey

Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie

Hold On - Chord Overstreet 

Work Song - Hozier

Drive - Halsey

You Are The Reason - Calum Scott

I Can’t Go on Without You - KALEO

Almost (Sweet Music) - Hozier

In a Week - Hozier

Ghost - Halsey

Like Real People Do - Hozier

Dad Says - Emily Kinney

If You’re Gone - Matchbox Twenty

Baby Boy - Mother Mother

Automobile - KALEO

Night Drive - Gotye

Shattered - O.A.R.

Miss You All The Time - O.A.R.

NFWMB - Hozier

Mr. Brightside - The Killers

Jenny - NOTHING MORE

Too Close - Alex Clare

Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms

Blackbird - the Beatles 

[stadtfunk]

The Hack Green Adventure

Date: October 17, 2020 Last week I decided to head North and revisit Hack Green Nuclear Bunker in Nantwich, Cheshire.

Originally I was going to stay at my second home in Paddington and catch the train up to Cheshire, but then Covid struck back and I didn’t want to take the risk.

The next best thing was to drive up, so that’s what I did.

After finishing work yesterday, I slept overnight in the car (I say slept but it was far from it), just off the M25 in Surrey.

I then set off around 8.15am, round the M25, up the M40 and a bit of the M42, then the M6. I passed Birmingham on the journey too so that’s another place ticked off the list. 😄

The last time I came to Hack Green I went by train to Nantwich, got a cab to the bunker and then walked back to the station, so it was nice to go by road this time and not have to worry about the walk back.

The staff were as lovely as ever, and we had a good old laugh about being Cold War nerds.

As I write this, I’m already in bed in the Crewe Travelodge (nearly called it a Travel Tavern there 😂) and am feeling pretty shattered.

Tomorrow on my way ‘back South’ I hope to be able to visit Greenham Common, but we’ll see how I feel.

Before I go on to the photos from Hack Green, I’d like to give a shout out to the staff at Travelodge in Crewe. I’d never stayed in a Travelodge before and I was really impressed with the service and the room.

Looking back on my old website, through the Internet Wayback Machine, I’d previously caught the train up and ended up walking to the site! Here’s what I said before

After a 4 and a bit journey from hell, up from Brighton, across London and up to Cheshire I arrived at Hack Green. Tip: The bunker is 3.5miles away from Nantwich Station. If you are planning on going and don’t drive, get a cab! The walk is pleasant enough but it’s goes through a country road and lane which can be a bit hairy at times!

I’m glad I drove this time, I got to see the sights of the M6 Toll, the outskirts of Birmingham and I had to get a silly pic of my car by the security check point.

My summary is still the same though and hasn’t changed

Being legally bound by the Official Secrets Act, I can’t tell you anything else apart from; The staff are really friendly, The NAAFI is great, it’s well worth a visit and, it’s very very real!

[anand07723]

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[llctheregistry]

2016 Mustang 1650R Skid Steer Serial Number: MMC165ORJOD191598 2016 Mustang 1650R Skid Steer with only 243 hours on it! Equipped with quick connect tool couplings, leather seats, A/C, heat, and radio with USB in enclosed cab, and air ride seat. This...

[ashwithapen]

There is an urge that fills me right up to the brim every now and then at the most inopportune moments. In the street, at a smell, at a sight, at a thought: write something. Open your notes app and immortalise me—this moment. And I want to: to prove myself, to ready myself, to free myself, but I don't because the moment is inopportune.

Something about the unique giddiness of being in the same country as someone you look up to so intensely. It's a trait I must have accidentally gotten wound up in at the airport back home because really, we are cities and trains and plane rides apart still, but to know that once upon a time, somewhere else here in London, a brown-haired musician used to practise his guitar unendingly, is nearly enough. To know that somewhere up in Newcastle a man and his wife are probably cuddling up on their sofa and watching something together makes my nervous system flood with electricity. And to turn the corner in the cab yesterday in Brighton and see the blueish-greenish-tealish tinge of the waterfront's iconic railing and realise it's the very same stretch of beach in the vlog I've rewatched an innumerable score of times by now—it's like the breath of life was being forced deep into my lungs for the very first time, and suddenly the wind was not cold and my legs did not ache and my breath was not short and I was not a kid, only free.

The countrysides our train cut through today to and from Plymouth as The Bell Jar idled in my lap urged me to set aside my wonderful paranoia that they are all watching you, looking over your shoulder, reading your every imperfect word, especially your father— and open my laptop and let my fingers fly. To prove to myself that I can pinch life from the very oxygen in the air and with just the tips of my ruined fingers weave a tapestry that puts me up there with the rest of my favourites: Madeline Miller, Rick Riordan, Carol Ann Duffy.

And I want to both pitch myself from The Shard and holler down the streets my sheer joy when first I guess Briony Tallis to be nineteen though she is thirteen and then when I say something clear to me about contrast that makes the university professor shoot me some praise. "Oh, actually, that's quite good. Yes, excellent."

And I want to bear myself vulnerably to the critics, but only if they promise, pretty-please, not to say anything mean about this silly little thing I only just poured a portion of my soul into. I want you and your wise eyes to pause on a particularly good line and make my stupid heart trill when you shoot me a quick, guarded look overtop the laptop screen that later you will tell me was of awe. I want to impress you, but also, don't get your hopes up. There is so much of me that is not worthwhile, and every now and then, I wonder if maybe Sylvia took the best route. I wonder how she might have talked. I wonder if we, in other circumstances, might have been something like high school friends. She seems like the type of friend I'd be open to attracting.

I wonder about tomorrow when Norwich will open its arms to me and my father and we will go to the uni campus and talk with the talkers and meet with the meeters and go with the goers until I am certain how fall 2024 shall look for me. I wonder if the dorm walls will be too thin for some past-midnight guitar. I wonder if I will make friends.

I wonder that one a lot. I do love my friends, my two favourite friends, but they are so different from me so often. It feels so disloyal to type. I love her because she is me but more dyslexic and less autistic and less ADHD and more Canadian. I love him because he meets my creativity where it wanes and puts up with and takes care of me and my lackings. But I wonder what it would be like to have a friend to whom poetry is just English and to whom music is just magic and to whom tattoos are just A-OK and to whom clothing is just fun and to whom their life is mine and mine is theirs, and maybe one day, something of an 'ours'.

Ours.

What I wouldn't give to be my own main character, to stroll—without tense and cramping calves—into a tattoo parlour, talk with a pretty she/they behind the counter, and leave an hour later with pink etched into my cheeks and a perfect little infinity rainbow covered protectively from the world just sitting there beneath my skin like a marker, a reminder, a separator, a symbol: I will be free, and a kid, and happy, and alive, and electric, and A-OK, and myself.