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blacklesbothatlovestowrite · 10 months ago

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On My Mama Pt. 5

Tags: @mixedfandxms @shurislover @lppriceisright @sweetalittleselfish-honey @desswright29 @cutttteeee @onyxstones-world @katymae12344 @doramilaj233 @sweetalittleselfish-honey @6-noir @khara876 @she-is-my-unrequited-love34 @teadah18 @un-deniable-me3 @goolishh @anayaperry @undercover-introvert @delightreadsfics

The next few days went by agonizingly slow. Riri felt guilty for going as far as she had. She was still angry but she also understood that she took things to hell. She couldn’t get the look on your face out of her head. You looked absolutely disgusted by her, and that hit her HARD. Despite how angry you were at Shuri, you’d never looked at Shuri that way.

She knew as much as you disliked Shuri, what she had done was by far worse. She felt like shit, and it only got worse as she realized you’d skipped majority of your classes and no one had seen you in days.

Riri but the bullet and opened your contact. She looked through all the messages and saw an audio message. She listened to it, her heart dropping into her ass at the information she was taking in. She frowned as she thought back to how she’d warned you against Bria only to end up listening to the vindictive bitch.

She tried calling your number only to receive the blocked voice message. She then sent several messages and attempted several calls to your social medias. When everything failed, she decided to get up after days of sulking to take a shower and head to the lab she’d abandoned.

As she made it to the lab, Riri noticed that none of the scientists were there. She could see certain members of the Dora Milaje guarding the lab but it was emptier than it had ever been.

“Miss Williams, the lab is closed today.” Aneka said, her face void of emotions. Riri found it strange since Aneka was the one that seemed to always be the friendliest to her.

“I’ve never been denied entry before, what’s going on?” Riri demanded to know.

“The princess has requested no interruptions.” Aneka said shortly. She knew Miss Williams was stubborn and she wasn’t interested in the drama that would come from her entering the lab.

“I have just as much clearance here as Shuri. She gave me free reign here—“

“Had is the correct term.” Aneka eyed the young girl with pity.

“What do you mean had? What the fuck is going on?” Riri hissed. She hadn’t talked to Shuri in days but she was sure they weren’t in a bad place.

“Miss Williams you need to remove yourself from the premises for the time being or I will be forced to remove you myself.” Aneka sighed. She could see the hurt that crossed Riri’s face as she spoke.

Riri whipped her phone out and called Shuri’s number. She wasn’t going to take orders from someone under Shuri. If Shuri was banning her from the lab she’d have to do it herself.

“What the fuck, Udaku!” Riri hissed the moment the call picked up.

“Riri now isn’t a good time.” Shuri sighed, her voice tinged with annoyance. “The lab will be reopened in a few days.”

“What is going on? You’ve never locked down the lab, and from me at that?” Riri mumbled, not sure what to make of everything.

“Look I can’t t..talk right now but I n..need you to l..leave for the t..time being.” Shuri stuttered, groaning. Riri’s eyes narrowed. “F..fuck… You look so pretty like this…”

“Shuri? Are you screwing someone in the lab?” Riri inquired. Shuri cursed in Xhosa and Riri froze as she heard a familiar moan and the sound of skin slapping. “Is that y/n?”

“Riri, I’m busy. I’ll talk to you later.” Shuri snapped, hanging up the phone.

Riri stared at the phone in her hand in shock, her body simmering with rage as she pieced together why Shuri had shut down the lab and why she was being banned from entering at the moment.

Your head fell back against Shuri’s work table as she thrusted her strap into you. You were a sweaty, soaked mess as she drilled into you over and over.

Shuri was definitely skilled. That you were sure of, you could see why so many women were fond of her and Riri. Because if Bria’s skills had you hooked, Shuri had you on lock. So far she’d made you come so many times you lost track.

You’d been here for days at this point stuck in a bubble with her, allowing her to fuck you against just about every surface. You could barely keep up with her stamina as she fucked you into a whimpering, hoarse state. You’d lost your voice at some point, and spoke in a low hoarse tone.

Shuri didn’t stop though. She kept you hydrated and fed as she continued using your body. She’d done so many things that had your eyes rolling back you felt slightly embarrassed at how inexperienced you apparently really were.

She’d folded you in ways you didn’t think possible, bending your body at angles that had you sore but still aching for more. She’d done such filthy things that made you feel good in ways you’d never experienced. She’d fed you your own juices, had you suck your juices from her strap, she’d eaten your ass and even sucked on your toes.

Shuri Udaku was a freak. One you’d never be able to shake. You could understand why women went crazy over the tall, attractive, genius. Money or power was the last thing on anyone’s mind when it came to this girl.

“Ahhhhhh.” You hissed, as she hit that sweet spot in you while choking you again and again. You squirted, your toes curling as she fucked you through your orgasm.

“Just like that sthandwa….” Shuri praised, as you cried. You’d never been fucked like this before. She was on a different level from anyone who’d touched you.

“Oh….k..k..kayyyyy….” You croaked, pathetically. Squeezing your legs closed, not able to take anymore as your body shook violently.

“What happened to I wasn’t all that?” Shuri taunted, her strong hands keeping your thighs apart enough to continue thrusting into you. Tears poured down your face as your pussy clenched on her.

“You wanted a taste of what everyone else was so desperate for, eh???” Shuri continued teasing you, as your core got wetter.

“P…pleaseeee.” You cried, not sure what you were begging her for. Your legs spread wider as you watched her enter you achingly slow. Each thrust making you want to pull your hair out.

“Uh uh, You wanted to see what was worth your mama risking her marriage?” Shuri continued and you felt all your self respect leave you as you let her fuck you like you were some needy whore.

“Fuck me….” You demanded, fed up with her playing with you. You were sure you’d regret having her fuck you anymore later as you could already feel the soreness.

“I’ve never fucked anyone, like I’m fucking you y/n.” Shuri leaned down to whisper against your lips. You watched her in shock as she pulled out before ramming the strap back into you.

You closed your eyes as you started to feel lightheaded the harder she thrusted into you. You couldn’t focus on her words. You were trying to hold on, to not cum. You wanted to ride out this feeling.

“I wanna ride you.” You pleaded, opening your eyes to stare at her. She smirked, before letting you go. As you tried to move you nearly face planted, your body ached as she lifted you with ease and laid on the work table before settling you in top of her. You squatted on her, the balls of your feet planted flat as you rode her.

“Damn….” She bit her bottom lip as she watched you fuck yourself on top of her.

After a lengthy sleep in Shuri’s private quarters on a separate floor from the lab underground, You woke to the sight of her watching you sleep. You hated to admit she looked gorgeous first thing in the morning.

She’d never had a bad day in the looks department. Whether it was effortless or full of effort you couldn’t tell but deep down you knew she just naturally had something about her that made her look so ethereal. Her beauty seemed unreal.

“Good morning, sthandwa.” Shuri smiled, as you sat up in the bed. You looked her over to see she was already dressed in a black oversized tee, oversized boyfriend jeans and sneakers. She had a good chain around her neck of her mother’s face, wearing her royal head piece.

“Shouldn’t you be somewhere drinking the day away considering today’s the first day of break?” You asked, snippily. Just because you’d let her fuck you didn’t mean you weren’t still angry at her.

You rationalized her actions to be that of innocence. Your mother was the one that was married and Shuri hadn’t known, she simply saw an attractive woman that was all over her and returned the advances. You hated that Shuri and your mother fucked, it messed with your head.

Part of the reason you were so angry at Shuri was the fact you’d crushed on her for years. Since the first time you’d seen her online, you’d held a torch for the princess. Your mother knew that, hell you had posters all over your childhood bedroom of Shuri, the Dora Milaje, the avengers.

Your mother often shamed you for crushing on women, liking women. She was very unhappy when you came out and even more so when your father supported you. It felt like a knife to the back that she’d fuck someone around your age, someone you’d crushed on for years, and a woman?

She was such a hypocrite, a whore, a liar. You couldn’t understand how she’d become who she’d become. You’d remembered how she was before she there was any inclination that you were gay. How loving, how caring, how involved she’d been. It was like a switch flipped when she found out you were gay.

Suddenly the mom and daughter dates, the bonding, the love was just gone. She became overbearing, strict, and at times downright hateful. Your father was the light. He was more involved, he showed up and showed out for you every time.

“I’m not a drunkard despite what many murmur when they think my back is turned.” Shuri smiled, a smile that had your sore thighs clenching.

“What would you call yourself then?” You rebutted. She partied hard on a consistent basis. Though while she was drunk she could be very irresponsible and reckless at the mouth, once she sobered up she was the same girl genius you’d crushed on.

“A regular girl who’s human.” Shuri shrugged. She ran a hand over her curly fro, realizing she needed to get a cut again.

“Why do you go so hard?” You asked, curiosity had you wanting to learn more about her.

“You’ve experienced loss. I imagine It’s pretty hard on you considering you cry yourself to sleep most nights.” Shuri eyed you. You swallowed, not realizing she’d heard you. She tapped her ears. “Enhanced abilities.”

“I’ve lost my entire family in such a short period of time. It feels like I can’t breathe sometimes.” Shuri looked down. “All the pressures of the mantle, and being alone.”

Though she had T’Challa and Nakia. They had their own life in Haiti and Nakia had no plans of leaving or raising T’Challa in the spotlight. She agreed with her brother and Nakia’s decision, T’Challa deserved to grow up normal with none of the pressures she and T’Challa faced.

“I know what it’s like to be alone.” You rolled your tongue against your cheek as you looked at your hands. “It sucks when you have no family, no one to fall back on, no one to count on. Nothing but loneliness.”

“You aren’t alone, Y/n.” Shuri cupped your chin, forcing you to look at her. “I am so sorry for having a hand in the dissolution of your parent’s marriage. Whether I knew she was married or not, it led to very serious consequences for you and I can’t apologize enough. I may try to joke or brush it off as if it weren’t a significant thing but I genuinely feel remorse for the pain it’s caused you.”

You stared not sure what to say to that. You hadn’t expected her to apologize, and so genuine at that. Her words felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders as much as you hated to admit. It effected you in ways you could hardly speak of without tearing up.

Tears pricked your eyes as you tried to look away but the firm grip she had on your face had you stuck looking at her. Direct eye contact was something you hated as it forced you to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that stirred.

You hated that you had feelings sometimes.

“I am here. You may not trust me, hell I know you don’t like me but I am here for you. No matter what. I swear it on my life, you will never be lonely as long as I live. We’re kindred spirits in a way, everything happened to lead us to one another.” Shuri asserted. You took a shaky breath.

“I’m not saying there was any right in the situation leading us to know of each other. I’m simply saying things happen for a reason as fucked as the reason may be.” She added.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned since I found out about you. About what my actions caused. It’s that I owe you so much.” Shuri insisted. “I promise you a life long friendship, even if that means us not having sex even though I hope that’s not the case since you’ve outdone anyone I’ve ever had.”

“I don’t know what to say.” You mutter, lowly.

“You don’t have to say anything. We’re friends, that’s it.” Shuri assured.

The rest of the day is spent with You getting to know Shuri. The more you learn, more you realize how many similarities there are. She allows you to see the latest things she’s been working on and you act like a kid in a candy store when she gives you permission to tinker.

“You have a little residue right there.” Shuri laughed, swiping the grease from your face. You stare at her, taking in her beautiful smile, her shiny teeth in the lab’s light.

“So you’re creating solar powered generators that can power everything in a standard family home?” You clear your throat, as you wipe your messy hands on the rag you’d grabbed.

“Yes. I want African Americans to be free in every sense. My brother bought land in Georgia, over 300 acres. A super city is being built currently, he started it and I’m ensuring it gets finished.” Shuri’s eyes gleamed as she spoke of her work. “I plan on giving people a second chance, a real life worth living. A fair chance they can’t get elsewhere. Wakanda isn’t open to outsiders and it shouldn’t be, it’s just too dangerous. However that doesn’t mean Wakandan’s can’t help the children of the lost tribe.”

“Did Riri help you with this ?” You asked as you looked at the finished generator. You’d helped her finish it. You were sure Riri had a hand in helping build it as you could see her handiwork all over it. You’d seen her work before in the apartment. Small projects she brought home or school projects.

“She did.” Shuri confirmed.

“Why’d you bar her from entering the lab. I thought it was considered both of yours ?” You asked.

“You’re angry at her. I don’t know all that happened or why considering Riri is one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met, though she can be hardheaded and stubborn. I respect your need for space.” Shuri admitted. “I knew you didn’t want to be around her so I closed the lab down for a while.”

“Shouldn’t have more loyalty for her? Isn’t she your best friend?” You raised a brow.

“Riri is my best friend, yes. However you are also my friend and I want to show you that you can count on me. That you can trust me.” Shuri reassured you.

“I’m starving. We should get some food.” You change the subject.

“I’ll order something.” Shuri grabbed her phone but you shook your head.

“Let’s head somewhere.” You find yourself saying. You had something in mind.

After showering and dressing in a Sweater of Shuri’s that hit your mid thigh and fit you snug, you decided to grab food from a food place you knew Riri frequented. She used that food as fuel.

“What are you up to?” Shuri asked, once she parked in the parking lot of the diner.

You remained silent as the two of you entered the diner. You weren’t sure just what you planned on doing. As you were led to the counter by a waitress, you took notice of Nina and Gina in a booth with a few other girls.

“Order the food, I’ll be right back.”

You walked over, watching as Nina met your eyes. She looked slightly wary but said nothing as you stood in front of their table.

“Hi, Nina.” You spoke, looking at the girl beside her. She was a pretty dark skin girl with neon pink small locs that fell to her shoulder. She was gorgeous.

“H…Hey, Y/n.” Nina greeted, her voice cracking. You looked at the girl beside her, a girl she’d been interested for a long time so she told you.

“Audrey is it?” You asked, watching as the girl nodded shyly. “You should know Nina’s a back stabbing, disloyal, whore. I’m not saying this to be spiteful or rude. I just believe in brutal honesty. You’re such a beautiful and sweet girl, don’t let her hurt you. You deserve more than someone with no morals.”

“Who the fuck are you calling a whore?” Nina exclaimed, trying to get to you but Audrey and Gina had her sandwiched in the booth.

“Yo, Y/n you need to chill with that. Idk what ya’ll got going on but that’s still my sister.” Gina defended Nina. They were sisters after all so it only made sense. Hopefully her whore of a sister was just as loyal and down for her sister.

“She fucked Riri in my living room, on the couch. On top of a portrait of my father and I.” You clarified and Gina’s mouth dropped open. You turned your attention back to Audrey. “My dead father.”

“That’s so fucked up!” Audrey gasped, moving from the table and storming off. At least she had some sense you thought.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Nina shouted, struggling against her sister.

“You. Girls like you disgust me. You don’t know how to be a friend, not that you ever were one to begin with.” You told her.

“You’re so mad!” Nina laughed, shaking her head. “Riri fucked me so good and you’re jealous. Admit it. You’d of let her fuck you wherever and however if you had the chance. You’re just mad it was me and not you.”

You snorted, staring at Nina in disbelief.

“What kind of strap is this bitch choking y’all with? I’m jealous! Me? Of a girl that’s so fucking easy all you have to do is smile her way and her legs open?” You laughed. “You literally tried to fuck me a few weeks ago and I chalked it up to you being drunk and let it go but clearly you’re another fan.”

“Bitch, please.” Nina huffed.

“So, what? You got rage fucked against a couch, as a way to hurt me and you think that makes me envy you?!” You couldn’t stop laughing, tears were leaking from your eyes as you watched Nina’s face get red. “Sorry to break it to you but I don’t envy pick me��s. It’s clear who the real pick me is, weren’t you just sniffing around Jess who publicly told your ass she didn’t want you? I ignored that weirdo shit because at the end of the day that wasn’t someone I claimed or took serious but you’re just a weird ass, hating ass, pick me bitch that clearly wants a taste of what I got between my legs. It must kill you that a ‘negrita’ like me is getting the people you clearly want effortlessly. That they’re chasing me, ready to do whatever just to have a taste of me.”

You watched as she moved to get closer to you but Gina kept her grip on her sister.

You leaned close enough to where your lips almost touched and you smirked as her breath hitched.

“You had a taste of Riri and thought that was a prize but baby I had the teacher. And she far surpasses the student.” You gloated, winking before moving away.

As you turned around and walked back to Shuri, you saw Riri standing by Shuri. She looked hurt but you couldn’t find it in you to care. She was angry off of words and no evidence, you actually witnessed what she’d done and it disgusted you.

“We should head back.” You said, staring at Shuri. You leaned up on your tip toes to speak against her lips. “I want you to fuck me so hard, I can barely remember the name Riri Williams.”

Shuri swallowed thickly before nodding, tossing a 50 on the counter and grabbing the bag of food before snatching your hand and leading you out with a quick see you later to Riri. As Shuri led you out, you turned to blow a kiss at Riri watching as she looked devastated.

#SoundCloud #shuri black panther #shuri udaku #princess shuri #shuri smut #shuri x fem!reader #riri x you #shuri x black!reader #riri wiliams x reader #riri williams #riri x reader

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uzumaki-rebellion · 2 years ago

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“Black Boys Bloom Thorns First: Volume 4, Chapter 52″

Masterlist HERE.

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"She blows a kiss On all things To make them sacred You best believe She kissed her womb You are her brightest star Her chosen heiress Her love lives well beyond the tomb"

Mélissa Laveaux – "Lilith"

The weeks had become a blur, and Erik couldn't keep up with his royal duties and his reunited family without sipping on strong coffee or downing cups of bria tea every few hours to help him focus. Three days after his parent's return, they were driven through the nation's streets and then placed inside a viewing room in the West Palace so that everyday citizens could come to pay their respects.

They had sent Captain America back to the states and Nick Fury soon followed, being promised a spot on the American delegation's return. Erik and T'Challa agreed not to inform any of the nations about the change in the monarchy to keep them at bay until they arrived and saw that Erik was king. In the evenings after his family surprised him in Birnin Zana, he slipped away with Shuri to her lab to assist with the probe launch that Fury helped set up in New Mexico. They sat for hours with anticipation, waiting for the probe to find and enter the Asgardian wormhole, and once it successfully did, all they could do was wait for the probe to send back a signal that it had reached the intended target area. Once that happened, they could study transmitted images, and Erik could use his exceptional hearing abilities to help figure out what happened. If there were survivors anywhere, they would know soon enough. All of that took a back burner to the family, though.

Erik and T'Challa spent more time together going on tours with the family and doing in-person press on Wakandan TV and social media. There was power in their united front, especially during their time of mourning. Many nights, they stayed up together in T'Challa's suite drinking and really getting to know one another as family and not adversaries. The void that had engulfed their relationship shrank to nothingness once N'Jobu and Califa returned. Their conversations revolved around what was best for Wakanda and the diaspora. He had an inkling that T'Challa was ready to turn over power as they spoke about what Erik saw as his cousin's role being out in the world as the Black Panther. It excited T'Challa to have the freedom to focus on protecting Wakanda and not deal with internal politics. Within three weeks, Erik learned his cousin was a reluctant king, taking on the role out of filial duty for his dead father, and not a genuine desire to rule. Erik had to admit to himself after having long midnight discussions with T'Challa while drinking plum liquor that he was the one truly fit to be king, just as his father, N'Jobu, had been before him. Sadly, Erik also understood that T'Challa only wanted to please his father and make himself worthy. Even as a grown man, and even in T'Chaka's death, his cousin still sought his father's approval and love that had taken so long to finally bond them. It made Erik more grateful than ever to have N'Jobu as his Baba. N'Jobu's love was unwavering and unconditional. He grew more empathetic toward T'Challa and drew him into his friendship with Walter and Shawn.

Erik made a point of inviting W'Kabi to the mourning activities. Despite what others in Wakanda may have felt, reconciliation involved the Border Tribesman too, and after a private talk with W'Kabi in his office, Erik convinced the man to drop his lawsuit against Okoye and the Dora Milaje. Erik had placed the general in a tough position, and her loyalty to T'Challa and the throne was commendable after much afterthought. W'Kabi was an attack dog, a man who loved his country, but loved justice more. That type of energy would be needed on the outside, and Erik hinted at a spot on his royal cabinet in the newly formed Wakandan inner circle. W'Kabi respected Erik as a man of direct action and agreed to come on board once Erik became king.

At a sunset family dinner outside near the Ikubun river, W'Kabi walked over to sit at Erik's table much to Okoye's surprise. A fireworks display enthralled the family, and T'Challa quietly told Okoye to take a break. W'Kabi stood and followed her and Erik glimpsed them huddled together far away, talking. Hearts all around him were still healing. After the fireworks, Erik took Riki and Sydette back to Yani himself. It had been his first time approaching her since she left and he only did it because she was returning to her lakefront home with her immediate family to spend time alone with them. The outings all around Wakanda made her skin the toasty brown color he liked. Her mother Paula took pictures of Yani and the children in front of the river and Erik offered to take a picture of them together with the sun glowing in the burnished bronze it did as it slipped behind a mountain. They posed. He snapped the shot with a regular camera and finally gazed down at Yani's face. She seemed bashful as he watched their children climb onboard the Scorpion Fighter with Leona, Twyla, and Yani's father, Halston. Paula glanced at Erik for a second before she left Yani's side.

Alone, Erik admired Yan's beauty. Big, pure gold hoop earrings hung to her shoulders with delicate lilac-stringed beads stacked from the top of her neck and draped over her clavicle. Her strapless dress clung to her breasts and hips, and her mulberry lips puckered like she wanted to kiss him. His intense gaze forced her to look away from him first.

"You look happy," he said.

"I am," she uttered in a soft voice.

"Sweet Pea and Dumplin are loving all this attention."

She grinned and checked out his maroon robes. His tailor-made fits were the shit, especially with his golden jaguar necklace. He stepped forward, and Yani inched back from him.

"I have to go," she said, rushing past him.

He sensed she was still unsure of her place in his world. Erik wanted to kiss her so badly, but he respected her need to be alone and not hounded by his physical attraction to her. She had always aroused men in an instant. That was nothing new to Yani. It was probably tiresome on some level, but she was his princess and he was determined to prove to her he cherished her personhood even if he fumbled their reunion. She wanted to be his one and only, and he would give that to her when he was worthy of claiming her again.

Tending to a migraine that snuck up on him after too much wine and the smoking of cigars from the Jabari mountains after the dinner, Erik wandered the halls of the palace in the middle of the night to enjoy the quiet solitude. Having family back was empowering, but it drained him more than he could cope with dealing with all the emotions swirling around him. They shot his empath abilities to hell as he took on too many sensations from all the surrounding people. Wandering the halls at night alone soothed his nerves.

Meandering around the atrium waterfall, he found Marisol staring up at his royal portrait. She tied her hair into one long braid, and she wore a white tank top and white running shorts with a string of colorful beads draped around her neck made of seeds and shells. She fingered the shells and rocked her heels with bare feet on the pristine floor.

"You have the eyes of Ogum here," Marisol said, staring up at his figure on the floating wall.

Erik stepped next to her at looked at his enormous image. Marisol turned to him and concentrated on his eyes.

"You are not well, JaJa," she said.

Her voice matched the throbbing in his temples as the migraine worsened. Marisol clasped his hand, and they walked through the grand hall together, taking in the vast richness spread all around them. Erik threaded his fingers with his play cousin and let her lead them around the back of the waterfall that flowed into a cascading lagoon that shimmered with rare iridescent rainbow fish only found in Wakanda.

"All of this is yours," Marisol said softly. "Was it worth it, JaJa?"

Disa's words to him after Yani left his side settled in the front of his mind.

"Yes. My purpose in life became this. I'm here now and I will do what I dreamed of."

She squeezed his hand, and they stopped near a pool of water that appeared coral because of the light pink marble containing it.

"Yani is a beautiful woman. So loving and full of life. I was afraid she wouldn't like me because I'm close to Disa."

"I'm surprised you didn't tell her about Yani."

"I almost told everyone when I thought Sydette was yours. We didn't know where you were, and when Disa became pregnant, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to hurt her with my suspicions. Look at it from my side. You pop up out of nowhere with pictures of a woman and a baby who has dimples like you? You run off in the middle of the night to go back to her worried about her child… I just knew that was your baby. Disa was so happy to have Joba. We all were. At least we had a part of you with us. I was so torn, JaJa, thinking you had another child in the world and Grandpop grieved over you for so long. Turns out I was right… but I was wrong about when you had it. I actually thought about getting a plane ticket and tracking down Yani to see if Sydette was yours."

Marisol sighed and played with the bottom of her hair.

"I couldn't go because it would've devastated Disa. Joba was her pride and joy, and it brought us all closer to you. I prayed for Yani and Sydette every day, hoping I did the right thing in leaving it alone. If Sydette was really yours, you would've told us. Even though you never wanted children, I told myself that you would never hide something like that from us."

She looked into his eyes.

"You are in so much pain and turmoil. Unbalanced," she said.

"Tired…"

"No. It is beyond tired. You're carrying years of trauma and you need release."

Erik lowered his head and Marisol stroked his cheek. She wiped away a tear from his eye.

"Look at you," she said.

"Big crybaby," he said, wiping his other eye.

"You used to tease me about being a crybaby all the time," she said.

"It's just because you had deep feelings."

"Yours are deeper. Mostly when I was crying, it was because of something you did."

"I wasn't mean to you."

"You could be dismissive when you said I annoyed you. I just wanted to be around you all the time. You were like a hero to me. So charismatic. Not afraid of anyone or anything. I needed to be around someone like that to make me feel strong. You were a do-er, not some big talkin' loud mouth pretending to be about something. I was so proud to point at you and say, 'That's my family.' I would do anything you wanted because if you won… we all won."

Her eyes turned hard.

"When we found that prison guard and killed him, the one who beat your mother in prison… I wasn't afraid. I was fifteen and I would've killed more of them right by your side. Neither of us was afraid of death back then because we both knew how it was all around the world for children like us. The throwaways. The future slaves for the global machine. That killer instinct is still in you and you have grown wiser about how to use it. We have to cleanse your soul first."

"We?" Erik said, grinning at her.

Marisol tapped her kimoyo and ten minutes later, his slick grin faded when Dante, Besouro, and Andres stepped into view from the other side of the waterfall. All three carried berimbaus and began playing a tune that brought goosebumps to his arms. The Master Hammer's song.

Uncle Bakari carried over a drum and sat on the lip of the waterfall's lagoon. He tapped out the beats that gave the music more power. Junie and Mãe materialized from the mist of the waterfall in his peripheral with serious expressions. The gargantuan ceiling seemed to close on them as the music took hold of Erik. Junie shook a small plastic bottle with a faded label on it. He twisted the cap and tossed the liquid contents into his right hand. He strolled over to Erik and sprinkled drops all over the front of his royal robes, then smeared the rest on top of Erik's head. Florida water. Nana Jean's homemade mixture. Mãe puffed on a thick cigar and blew smoke toward him, then handed the tobacco to Marisol.

The smoke carried heavy tendrils up into the air, and Marisol walked all around him, puffing and blowing until she covered his entire body. Mãe pulled out a six-inch stick of palo santo wood and burned it, smudging Erik down from head to foot. Marisol spoke to him in Portuguese.

"We will unbury our dead…." she said.

She handed the cigar to Mãe and began swaying on her feet in time to the music, her hands outstretched and inviting him to play. Erik pulled off his top robe and untied his shirt, letting them drop to the floor. He slipped out of his sandals and rolled his neck from side to side. Surprise registered on his face when Aunjanue and Soliel arrived with Joba in tow, so late in the night. They stood across from the others and watched him circle Marisol. She glimpsed the questioning look on his face.

"You need to know what you are fighting for to elevate and protect. It's not just about justice, JaJa, it is about their future. The children you brought into this world have to live with your decisions like you had to do with Califia and N'Jobu," Marisol said.

Dante's voice rose above the others as the capoeira song sank into Erik's mind, body, and spirit.

"Look at her," Marisol cajoled with a firm tone.

He swept his eyes over toward his little one. Joba looked intrigued by all the smoke and music. She rocked on her heels, trying to match Marisol's sway.

Marisol pointed to the ground at his feet.

"Come back to us, JaJa… come back to us and claim your power," Marisol said.

Erik closed his eyes and dropped low to the ground. He did a cartwheel and swung his right leg over Marisol's head as she slid down and thrust her left leg between his. Erik backflipped, and Dante gave a yelp to signal that playtime was over. Marisol went off and fought him for real.

Lunging at him, she worked him over with years of skilled training. She was quick like his mother, and her agility threw him off. He shook his shoulders and jumped around, relaxing into his flow like the master he was. The pain in his head continued to grow and it made his eye sockets hurt. A stabbing sensation in the pit of his stomach became a battle against queasiness, but he kept moving and widening his arm and leg movements, striking Marisol who flipped around him like a trickster luring him into a trap.

She snagged his legs with her feet and he fell, rolling into a handstand to attack her with his feet and legs. The palo santo smoke grew thicker and lodged into his lungs, making it difficult to breathe like cotton balls jammed in his throat and nose. Sweat mixed in with the Florida water dripped from his scalp and leaked into his eyes, creating blurry vision. He struck and kicked his cousin, but she kept fighting and pushing him harder and faster until he was almost windmilling and kicking just to slow her down as his legs and arms ached with lactic acid. He huffed and puffed with his breathing as the singing voices in the room became louder, piercing his brain. Erik heard Joba singing too, her attempts at pronouncing all the words she didn't understand as sincere as she could be. All of his children's lives were in his hands. He wanted them to be proud of him and not have to shoulder the type of pain he lived under for most of his life. A nation was only deemed great by how it treated its women and children. Women had always elevated him and they were the first teachers of children. If the diaspora was going to thrive with his leadership and help, then women and children had to come first to make lasting changes.

Erik clutched at his stomach and staggered on his feet. The music and singing reached a crescendo, and Marisol kept coming for him, relentless with her attacks.

"Come back!" Marisol yelled, and kicked him with the flat part of her foot directly into his belly.

Erik fell on his backside and struggled to get up again. Wobbly on his feet, he held out his hands to counter her moves with ulwa, but Marisol kicked him again, right above his belly button and he tumbled back but didn't fall. Anger raged through him and he lashed out at her blindly, trying to connect with any body part to knock her on her ass, but she danced around him, did a handstand, and kicked him in the face. Her ponytail swung around, teasing him with her fast ducks and dives, and his feet lumbered around like they were battling quicksand and tons of bricks tied to his legs. Bile rushed up, but he suppressed it with a sour belch in his mouth and cursed at her. She only drove into his body harder, flipping, leaping, swaying, ducking, and twisting her torso until he stood with clenched teeth, bulging muscles, and hooked fingers aimed for her throat.

"Whose child are you?" Marisol said with a cruel sneer on her lips as she swung her right leg around and struck his face with a solid foot to the mouth.

Erik yelled and charged her with impulsive abandon. Marisol raised up her fists and thrust them back to her sides as her right leg kicked out again and struck him in his solar plexus, sending him flying backward into the deep side of the lagoon.

The splash of water shocked Erik. One minute he was running full track star speed at his cousin and the next he was falling back underwater. He screamed his humiliation deep down in the water and a purge of dark gray liquid spewed from his mouth and rose above him. He choked and flailed his arms, orienting himself before he broke the surface. Besouro and Bakari helped drag him out, and he gasped on the floor, spitting up more of the dark fluid. He expelled globs of thick viscous gray bile and it pooled before him with a stench that made the others turn their heads and cover their noses. His stomach muscles ached from retching and his throat became raw from the sour acidity of the darkness he had been carrying for over twenty years. He blinked away tears forced out from all the vomiting.

He flopped over onto his side once his body voided all the rotted rage from within. Joba knelt down next to him and rubbed her hand across his forehead.

"Daddy? Daddy, are you okay?"

Erik's body shook from the fighting and exertion of throwing up what felt like fifty pounds of putrid rot.

"Daddy?" Joba peered at him with wide eyes.

She touched Erik's cheek and stared down at him with worry. Besouro helped Erik sit up, and Dante came to his side.

"We had to free you. Understand?" Dante said.

Erik nodded and wiped his lips. Dante patted his hand.

"We used everything we had once Marisol told us you were in a bad way," Dante said.

"Daddy, look!" Joba squealed.

Erik gazed over at what his daughter pointed to and they all watched Mãe use more palo santo smoke and blow it over the inky gray vomit. When the smoke touched the purged liquid, it faded into an ashy pale white and blended away with the fumes.

"Whoa!" Joba said, touching the spots where everyone saw Erik retch. All the gray bile had vanished. Mãe waved the palo santo over the lagoon water and returned to him, letting the cleansing smoke purify his sweaty body.

Marisol pulled Erik to his feet and he stood on unsteady legs.

"JaJa."

Erik snapped his head around when he heard the voice clear as day. He jammed his lips together to keep from saying anything in case he was wrong. Marisol gathered his outer robe and shirt while Dante handed him the flashy sandals he liked to sport in the palace. Erik slipped them on and tied his shirt around him again.

"Focus on the right way."

He inhaled and took a sense of his own body. Awake and alert, he felt lighter and clear-headed. The voice was only inside his head, but it wasn't something to be afraid of. He welcomed it.

"Baba, I hear you," Erik whispered to himself.

"That is good my son…"

The voice faded away in his head, and a surge of energy filled him with purpose.

Erik's kimoyo grew warm and vibrated on his wrist. Still lost in a hazy, dream-filled slumber, images flitted about of his father kissing his mother, Nana Jean cooking shrimp in her kitchen, Disa laughing at him with a glass of wine in her hand at her Cambridge dinner party. He woke up from the last cycle of images swimming in St. Thomas and his left hand brushed the left side of his bed thinking he was back on that tiny rock with Yani. Alone, he sat up and tapped the kimoyo.

"N'Jadaka, the probe has signaled back! It began transmitting images twenty minutes ago. I am in my lab. Fury is waiting for you on the holo," Shuri said.

T'Challa came into view with a somber expression.

"The planet is gone?" Erik asked.

T'Challa nodded.

"There is only debris. Asgard was destroyed. We are still receiving footage with a three-minute lag time, but so far there are only pieces of planetary pebbles floating," T'Challa said.

"I'm on my way," Erik said.

He tapped his kimoyo and glanced down at his giant bed. Erik knew he'd have to be accustomed to being woken up in the middle of the night. He was still a little shaken from his family intervention in the grand hall, but he quickly dressed, brushed his teeth, and made himself presentable. A king had to look the part at all times, no matter the time of day. He had to get used to it.

He rode out in the Scorpion Fighter and yawned while the city whirred past below the aircraft at three in the morning. It was six at night in New Mexico where Fury was. Noxolo followed Erik into Shuri's lab and Fury's brooding figure stood near T'Challa and Shuri as a holograph. On the workstation vid screen, the SP-1 probe spewed back image after image and vid recordings of the location in space where the planetoid should've been. He slipped on earbuds made to amplify the sounds of space through the probe and listened for anomalies. Although technically space didn't have sound because of the large empty areas that didn't have stars or planets for molecules to vibrate through, charged particles and the tech on SP-1 would allow Erik to hear electromagnetic waves. Anything out of the ordinary and Erik would pick up on it.

Closing his eyes, he tilted his head and spent a good fifteen minutes listening.

"There are no emission trails," Shuri said.

Erik opened his eyes and studied the images taken. Shuri dialed back the coloring so that different spectral imagery could pop into view that couldn't be seen with the naked eye.

"They might have gone through a wormhole to another pocket dimension with emergency ships to relocate," T'Challa suggested.

"We would've been contacted," Fury said.

"Not unless something happened to the other planets or their wormholes, too," Erik said. "All you have now Fury is proof that the planetoid was blown up."

"They could also be in hyper-sleep to conserve their resources if some were able to escape," Shuri suggested.

Fury rubbed his forehead.

"Two Americans were killed here trying to pry open the SP-2," Fury said.

T'Challa looked shocked. Erik shrugged and folded his arms.

"We placed built-in protections to keep anyone there from reverse engineering our tech for their use as weapons," Erik said. "Klaue taught me that lesson."

Erik glared at Fury.

"That's what they get for trying to steal," Erik said.

"I took care of it," Fury said. "We've decided to launch the SP-2 in the morning. Our time. Cover more range, and hope for a distress signal."

Shuri swiped her fingers across the vid screen. They filtered the information received first before downloading it to the Americans.

"SP-1 has some planetoid particle samples analyzed," Shuri said.

She enlarged the data.

"It burned up," Shuri said.

Erik pulled the earbuds from his ears and turned to Fury's image. T'Challa spoke in a calm tone.

"Launch SP-2. We may have missed the window for a distress signal if our first probe hasn't picked up anything yet," T'Challa said.

"We'll keep trying and hoping," Fury said.

Erik stayed in the lab for another two hours before yawning and returning to his suite. Walter, Shawn, and Dante were snoozing in their guest rooms, so he climbed back into his bed. His kimoyo lit up, and the signature was a new one he created for Fury.

"Are you alone?" Fury asked.

Fury was no longer in the secret New Mexico launch viewing room. A glass of whisky swirled in his hand and he sat on the edge of what looked like a motel bed.

"I am," Erik said.

"Can you talk privately… securely?"

"Yeah."

"I've considered your offer," Fury said.

"It's contingent upon you keeping mum about me becoming king."

"No one will hear anything from me until you present yourself to the world."

"Let's talk more when you come back as a delegate liaison since you are in a prickly situation with your status over there," Erik said.

"You trust me?" Fury said.

"Do you trust me?"

"Hell no," Fury said.

Erik laughed, and Fury joined with a hearty chuckle.

"Asgardians aren't the only ones out there, huh? You already know that," Erik said.

The grin on Fury's face left, and in its place was a tight-lipped expression.

"You can tell me the truth, man. I revealed something truthful to you about becoming king," Erik said.

Fury chugged down his whiskey.

"How about we talk about that too when I come back?" Fury said.

"Bet."

Erik pulled off his kimoyo and turned it off. Wearily, he fell back on the bed and dragged his arm on the left side. He needed Yani next to him. Whenever he worked hard or became exhausted with activities that mentally wore him down, she would hold him and hum in his ear, telling him to sleep and leave all his weariness behind. She'd crawl on top of him and rest her head on his chest while he rubbed his hands along her spine, tickling her and making her sweet voice giggle with his touch. The temptation to call her struck him and he reached for his kimoyo. He lifted it, then dropped it back on the nightstand. The eyes behind his eyes had returned, and he sank his head back on his pillow.

"Leave her be until you show your true self," he mumbled.

Erik closed his eyes with his body as light as a feather. He fell into another dream and found himself looking over Wakanda from a great mountain carrying a giant spear in his right hand. The dream gave him peace. At last.

Chapter 53 HERE.

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anniekoh · 3 years ago

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the crypto syllabus

https://the-crypto-syllabus.com/francesca-bria-on-decentralisation/ We also had another partner in Spain, Medialab-Prado, which at the time was building a tool that was starting to be used by Podemos, and ended up as the main participatory platform of the city of Madrid. It would eventually form the backbone of Decidim, the tool for deliberation and governance that would eventually be used not only in cities like Barcelona and Helsinki, but also at the pan-European level, endorsed by the European Commission, the Parliament, and the council of the Conference on the Future of Europe. On the one hand, D-CENT wanted to promote decentralisation in the sphere of political participation, i.e. we wanted citizens to be consulted when it came to decision-making – much like they were consulted when it came to participatory budgeting in Porto Alegre. On the other hand, we wanted to solve the question of the concentration of economic power and somehow link it to Nachira’s ideas about digital ecosystems. So we wanted to promote economic empowerment and decentralisation as well.

There were several big assumptions driving it. First of all, it became clear that the city became the site for democratic experimentalism. In 2015, as progressive mayors got elected in many European cities, we saw this new wave of interest in “democratic municipalism.” Suddenly, people wanted to contest this notion of a heavily financialised, for-profit city – including, when it came to technologies, the image of this very slick “smart” city, where everything was offered “as a service” by some technology vendor. So I wrote a short paper on how to move from the smart city to the democratic city and I actually got a call from Ada Colau inviting me to implement that vision in Barcelona, as its chief technology officer. So Decode, in a way, was an effort to think through what would be involved in that transition, with citizens enjoying more rights and control over digital public infrastructures, sensors, data, and so on. We clearly also wanted to show that there were other paradigms to think about data; for us, it was obvious that it was something collective and public and that citizens should be given an option to decide what to do with that data – including, of course, giving them the ability to share that data with the public sector so that more and better public services could be built with it. We thus started talking of “data altruism” and “data sovereignty,” which are now central concepts in the new Data Governance Act of the European Commission. How could we deliver on the promises of decentralisation, decarbonisation, the Solidarity Economy, the new welfare state through the companies that will be created and funded? Likewise, when we think about enabling political participation – to help people fight climate change or even solve their own local problems – how do we do it in a way that goes beyond the logic of the market and doesn’t require turning everyone into an economic agent responding to financial incentives of some kind? How do we do that without financialising politics? This is exactly the problem. There is a big fight for the democratisation of the state, for the new notion of the democratic public. We either win or lose that fight. That has been my frequent response to advocates of things like “platform cooperativism.” Ultimately, these cooperatives cannot and do not live in a void. You do need the state to enact new regulatory frameworks, new ownership patterns and structures inside an economy; the state is the only tool that we have, it’s the one and only institution that we have to regulate and to create laws that would prevent big companies from usurping their dominant position and abusing their market power. So, in the end, if you want to democratise the economy, you will need the state. We need to reclaim that power, not hide away from that responsibility by invoking the power of crypto or the market or financialisation. https://the-crypto-syllabus.com/blockchain-imperialism/ Who are all these people pushing for blockchain technologies in the development sector in the Pacific? I’ve started describing them as the solutionist class. These are people who hop between the tech sector, the NGO sector, and the advocacy sector quite seamlessly. So there's a real blurring of boundaries here. As far as institutions such as the US State Department go, their real priorities are less about promoting particular applications and more about inculcating Silicon Valley solutionist logic into the development space. This is something Lilly Irani has written about a lot in the context of hackathons; it’s that very logic but transposed into the space of economic development. What's a typical hackathon in this space like? The organizers would typically say: OK, let's get community leaders. Let's get developers. Let's get venture capitalists. Let’s put the best and the brightest in the same room and jam it out. This is a rather idealistic and rather limited view of the world. Just where's power here, in this quest for solutions? In the context of Pacific Nations, there are rich and very complex indigenous cultures and indigenous legacies and histories. All of that gets flattened into this bubbly, optimistic Silicon Valley stuff, with external developments parachuted from abroad, mostly for photo ops and other PR gigs. We see this, for example, in Oxfam, with their OxLabs, or the World Food Program, with their hashtags like #disrupthunger. Everybody is taking on the language and the performative style of Silicon Valley, to the point where NGOs are doing VC-style pitch decks. So there's a sort of cultural imperialism that's happening here. The real showpiece at the 2018 TechCamp was the tuna supply chain blockchain project. It was a collaboration between the local development company TraSeables, the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and a start-up called Viant.

Then, specifically on land registries, there’s the Asian Development Bank blockchain project, which is now underway in Fiji. Something like 90% of Fiji’s land is held in indigenous communal trust, which is a legacy of sabotaging the British land commission of the 19th century. At the time, land surveyors were regularly attacked, because the locals understood that technological abstraction was an imperial tool. So, this land has been in the communal trust for all this time – and for good reasons. This has been a great legacy of Fijian sovereignty and independence. Now, the Asian Development Bank, with its neoliberal mentality, comes around, looks at all this land, and says – ah, here is an untapped resource that we need to rationalize in order to generate wealth. And we’ll do that via the blockchain. The lack of transparency with regards to land ownership in Fiji has not necessarily been a problem that needs solving; it’s what allowed for keeping those lands outside of extractive property rights relations.

#crypto #economics #blockchain

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briabella · 3 years ago

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It’s just you’re really close right now..please Bria I-fuck. Please don’t do that.. *I whimper, looking at her with big eyes.* S’ not like that. I promise, it’s just you’re getting really close right now. *Its embarrassing how hard I’m getting, my face red and body stiff, my eyes darting around trying to look anywhere but her out of discomfort and shame.*

No-no it’s not perverted! *I lean against her shoulder, moaning pathetically as she strokes my cock as it gets painfully hard.* I asked-I asked..if we could wait till marriage, wanted it to be special with her. *A soft whimpers draws out from my lips as my forehead is pressed against hers, looking at her with teary eyes, I was ready to burst and start crying already.*

I don’t want that..would be wrong. M’ engaged Bria, m’ engaged. Please. Please stop before I cum. I’ll make a mess and it’s so fucking sensitive. *My heart is pounding, I’m sweating and my legs are shaky. I want to push her away but why don’t I? Why am I enjoying this so much.*

- Takemichi

*I let out a frustrated groan and push his chest away from me, watching him stumble backwards looking at him with eyes filled with tears of arousal and fear. I take a couple steps forward and push his chest again— the look on my face void of any emotion except high irritation irritation.*

“Why do you keep talking about Hina, huh?” *I ask, backing him into the living.* “Why’s she so fucking special? I had you first but then she took you away from me! I thought you loved me, Michi..”

*I take a hand and wrap my fingers around his throat, applying enough pressure and strains my hand. I walk him towards the couch. I push him again so he plops down onto the fluffy sofa and I straddle his waist. Both of my hands finding the sides of his face.* “Takemichi.. you’re really breaking my heart right now..”

*My hips start to move along his, my clothed pussy rubbing against his aching cock through his jeans.* “I thought you said I was pretty.. why don’t you want me?” *My hands find their way into his fluffy black locks, yanking his hair back harshly. My lips are hot on his ear letting out tiny whimpers of his name as I grind down on him harder.* “I’m so fucking wet for you.. and you treat me like this?”

*I sit up, one hand still pulling his hair but my other lands a harsh slap across his cheek.* “If you hate me and think I’m ugly— just fucking say it. Don’t lie. You never cared about me did you, Michi? Hm? I was always about Hina with you. You left me.” *I look at him coldly, my hand slapping him again.* “C’mon, answer fucking me.”

#takemichi 💙#tw.slapping #tw.manipulation #tw.infidelity

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jenscommentary · 3 years ago

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The Meaning of "We."

Now that we are about 3 days from the premiere of Season 10, I wanted to talk about Matt and Sylvie's dynamic and some of the things I noticed she did that set Brettsey apart as a relationship, compared to Matt's previous relationships.

1. Sylvie never used the words "I" or "my." She always spoke of them as a "we" and as an "us."

Before they ever started dating, Sylvie always talked about her and Matt as a team. As two people who would prevail together if they just leaned on each other. We saw this when Matt was dealing with his head injury last season. She said:

And:

"We'll get the MRI."

"We'll figure it out."

"We can be scared together."

She let him know that he was not going to be dealing with this alone. That he wasn't on an emotional island. She spoke of them as a pair, and really, she kind of stepped into the role traditionally reserved for a wife in that moment.

I went back over it in my head and it sounded so profound to me. Because Matt has never had that before. Matt has never really felt like he’s enough. He’s never felt worth it, and I think with these words, she made Matt feel included and equal and like he was worth caring for.

With his other relationships, it always felt like Matt took a backseat or was screaming into a void.

2. Gabby's "I" and "my."

The thing about Dawsey was that cracks started forming almost since the beginning. They were constantly trying to make two puzzle pieces fit when they just didn't. It started in Season 2 when Gabby was contemplating becoming a firefighter. Matt was never unsupportive. He just told her to talk to female firefighters and ask questions before making a decision. Firefighting is hard and demanding. She got defensive and made the decision on the same day.

Next, the Louie foster and adoption. Matt raised concerns about their relationship, the stability of their lives, and about his readiness. They're first responders who work 24 hour shifts. Matt grew up alone and with an absent and abusive father, so he spoke from the heart. Despite being with him, she chose to adopt Louie on her own.

Matt stepped aside when they broke up the first time in Season 3, got her the CPS meeting in Season 4, was willing to raise Louie without marrying her because she had told him they were better off dating after everything they had gone through (before Season 5). He made sacrifices to keep Gabby and Louie in his life (and loved Louie like his own). He hid how Wiley’s death affected him so she could celebrate her parents' disastrous anniversary.

Then, Gabby prioritized Cordova's feelings over Matt's, hiding their past from him because Cordova asked her to instead of protecting her husband's feelings so he wouldn't find out they "used to bang" through someone yelling it in front of their co-workers at Molly's, leaving Matt mortified and angry. 👇

Next, the Bria situation, where she confided in Severide over Matt just because he disagreed with her.

Finally, the dreaded baby situation where she said the words: "I've decided that we're gonna keep trying for a baby" and "It's my risk not yours."

What would Matt do if she died and he had to raise a baby as a single father? Has to leave them alone for long periods of time? Would he have to quit the CFD so he could fully be there? She just always spoke of things like they didn't affect him, when in reality, they were married. The final fight is important because it was the one time Matt stood up for himself. She couldn't go around him if she wanted to have a biological baby.

“This is one decision you can’t leave me out of.”

He wasn't going to budge—so in the next scene, she asks Chief Hatcher about Puerto Rico.

All of this is to say that Matt couldn't really be himself with Gabby (and we didn't see his relationship with Hallie really, other than their disagreeing over children as well).

Gabby was a great character. It’s not that Gabby is a villain. She just is who she is and she wasn’t going change for anyone. That’s great for her, but it’s not really conducive to a good marriage. She was right when she said “It used to be the thing you loved about me,” and it was—until she loaded the gun and started aiming it at him.

@fighterkimburgess said something I loved: "All either of them (Brettsey) want and have ever wanted was to love and be loved for who they are. They don't want someone who loves an idealized version of them."

Gabby loved an idealized version of Matt. I think that because she spent so long crushing on him—literally for years before he finally gave her a chance—she built up this version of Matt in her head and didn't want to admit, once she was with him and saw what it was like, that this might not be the right man for her. Matt was guilty of this too.

Gabby took pride in her independence and that's okay, but Matt wanted a relationship of equals, full of "we" and "us." I finally think he's found that in Sylvie. She had no preconceived notions about him based on a years-long crush. Sylvie got to know Matt on her own terms as a co-worker and friend over the course of years. She didn't have rose-colored glasses. She fell in love with him eyes wide open, knowing his strengths, flaws, and desires.

I'm looking forward to the Brettsey era of "We" and "Us." 🥺

#brettsey #matt casey #sylvie brett #matt x sylvie #dawsey #gabby dawson #matt x gabby #chicago fire #one chicago #jesse spencer #kara killmer #hallie thomas #my point isn't to bash dawsey #it's just easier to notice things when you have a point of comparison #chicago fire season 10 #season 10

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fenharelxenansal · 7 years ago

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ooc;;

so i went back into my discord history to dig up some meta i wrote a while back about briala. alice, nixe, mo, merc, and cay have all already read this, but i feel like a lot of it is really important to my characterization and i want it on my blog. maybe someday i’ll format it to read in a less disjointed, chat-style way, but for now -- have 1600+ words about briala’s backstory, i guess?

cw: lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting, lots of character death

im having a mood abt the tactics celene might have used to keep briala on her side when they were fighting and aaugh

bc i think a lot about the scene at the beginning of TME where bria is getting sexually harassed by a palace guard and the fact that nobody in that scene, briala included, acts like its anything particularly abnormal. that worries me

i mean. celene killed her damn parents. i dont think encouraging a guard to harass briala from time to time to make herself look like a saint in comparison is beyond her

and i have this mental image of briala being hurt in some way, nothing serious, a bruise here or there from someone other than celene, deliberately caused to send her running back to the empress who will make it all better

to give briala someone to hate instead of celene

to give celene the opportunity to 'make it up' to her

because i dont believe for a second that celene, grand player of the Game that she is, wouldn't stoop that low

she would do anything in her power to keep briala

because she is too dangerous, she knows too much

my headcanon is that when celene tried to send her away to live with the Dalish, it wasn't for her own protection

it was to keep her from ever realizing the truth of what happened the night her parents died, because it could destabilize celene's grip on power

and when Briala came back, well, she had to come up with another plan. and she cared for Briala enough that she didn't want to just kill her. so she made her into an intensely loyal asset

so i think any time Briala started to turn on her, started to want to leave her service even a little, she would do something to make herself look like the good guy again

the thing i always think about

Briala was supposed to be killed that night along with her parents

it wasn't 'all the servants except briala' it was 'all the servants'. the fact that she survived was pure luck, and the fact that celene didn't just have her killed after that point was because. well. Celene was a 16 year old lesbian about to ascend the throne of one of the most powerful countries in Thedas. One might imagine her a bit lonely.

im pretty sure she knew sending briala away was sending her to likely bandits or death by starvation

but she didn't have to feel so personally responsible for that

its easy to kill a palace full of servants whose names you dont know

theyre just numbers on a piece of parchment saying how many bodies you have to clean up

briala made herself real to celene and that makes her harder to kill

because she could have just killed her right then herself

but celene never had the stomach for killing people herself. she just gives the orders.

and so when faced with that situation, with her personal handmaiden traumatized, crying, covered in her parents' blood saying 'they're all dead', the smart thing to do would have been to kill her. but celene didn't do that. she just sent her away to near-certain death instead.

Briala is incredibly dangerous to Celene

especially post-TME, post realization of exactly how Celene orchestrated her rise to power

she is the only one who knows that Celene's claim on the throne is truly illegitimate, no matter how much Gaspard tries to argue it

not only did she have her own palace servants murdered

she had the emperor assassinated

which i think everyone misses?

she had him assassinated and then staged the murder of her palace servants to paint herself as an innocent victim who just happened to not be there that night

thats why all the palace servants were killed

so that suspicion would not fall on her for Florian's murder

the point was to make it look like the same assassins who went after her uncle were also going after her

when in reality she was the one calling the shots all along

i did briefly toy with writing a verse where Briala never met Felassan, where she made it to the Dalish safe at 14 years old and tried to become one of them

but the fact is that the moment he sent her back to Celene was a defining moment for her, something that fundamentally changed her, and she wouldn't have been anywhere near the same person without that

it told her, right there and right then, subtextually and insidiously, that the cause was the most important thing, more than her safety - because she knew it was dangerous being anywhere near the Empress-to-be, she wasn't stupid. she didn't even really know what the cause was at that point; he never told her what he got out of their meetings. so the cause to her became helping elves. and then that really quickly became warped to helping celene because she convinced her that it was the best way to serve the cause.

"what would have been different if she'd decided what she wanted to fight for on her own?"

she would have been a lot less.....not less dedicated, but less 'dedicated to the detriment of her own wellbeing'

if she had decided herself not to go to the Dalish, to stay by Celene's side to enact change, rather than just following the orders of other people, her story would be very different

concept: briala actually processing her trauma??? what???

bc you know the moment she got back to the palace with Celene after meeting Fel for the first time she threw herself headfirst into the Game

she focused all of her energy on intelligence-gathering and supporting Celene in her bid to become Empress

She never gave herself a single moment to grieve

and it isn't an uncommon story in Thedas, an elf watching someone or multiple someones they love cut down by humans

imagine if u will: briala, trying to have a funeral, not just for her parents, but for all of them

thats the thing i really feel the need to

idk

it wasn't just her parents

briala grew up in the palace. her parents were both palace servants.

she knew every single one of those servants. they were her friends and her family. and at the end of it she was left standing covered in blood in front of celene. celene was all she had left.

she didn't have any friends at the beginning of TME. she was friendly with the cook, but that was it.

celene took a generally happy, driven, and incredibly smart 14-year old elven girl and took away everyone she had ever known except herself. she made herself briala's world.

that's the real reason i hate that you can reunite them. its not that i don't believe they could be reunited - its that they can. because briala doesn't have anyone else. she has celene and felassan. that's it.

when you only have one person, its easy to make excuses for them and justify the things theyve done. its easy to believe them when they apologize and promise to do better.

thats why i want briala to have friends and lovers and people

i want to have a verse where she has grown so far beyond that point that she would laugh if Celene asked her to return to the palace

i want her to stop loving Celene but she isn't there yet

in my current writing, at least

she is still vulnerable to her in every verse where Celene is still alive

i just imagine her like

talking quietly about her childhood best friend among the servants

we don't get to see much of Briala's childhood

we get the moment of her mother telling her she mustn't try to hide her ears and that she must be proud of being an elf. that's really it.

but we do know that there were other children of servants who were considered for Celene's handmaiden aside Briala

i like to think she was friends with these other children. that she wasn't always lonely from the start

but of course that leads down the road of those friends being slaughtered as well so its a tradeoff

and then there's the question of whether when Celene kissed her when she was sending her away, if that was her first kiss, if she ever even had the chance to love someone else

i think a lot about how Briala spent 20 years learning how to love exactly 1 person the way she wanted to be loved

just imagining her trying to have a romantic relationship with someone else with that framework still in place is painful. it wouldn't work no matter how much she wanted it to because she'd be treating them like celene. she has no other model for how a relationship can work

she bypasses that somewhat with Lana, but its still there, thinking that the best thing to do is the thing that Keeps Lana Safe

she wouldn't recognize abuse if she got into another bad relationship

and she doesn't know how a relationship works where she isn't centering the other person's needs over her own

she gave up everything she ever wanted or aspired to for Celene

one time i got a prompt from a lyric starter list i made

'you can still be what you want to'

and briala just. broke for a moment.

'no. i can't. i never could - none of us ever could. thats why we fight.'

she doesn't have interests or hobbies or friends or a life

celene was her life and now she's filled that void with her cause

#meta;#about the muse;#this is a lot of words and i really need to go through and retype this in a way that is proper sentences and such #don't have the spoons for it today #emotional abuse cw #death cw

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