#Brentwood academy bitches

[ronnyraygun]

Buzz and Tim…my awful little creatures…ily…

[gothambatsnews]

[Podcast 7: Clubs, Relationships, and Jason Todd]

[“Spoiler Alert Podcast” theme song plays. There are three taps of the mic before Stephanie clears her throat.]

[Stephanie:] “Goooood afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Spoiler Alert Podcast, your weekly dose of tea and drama from Gotham High. I am your host, Stephanie Brown! Joining me today, we have-”

[Jason:] “Me! The one and only, Jason Todd. Wink.”

[Stephanie:] “...Did you really just say ‘wink’?”

[Dick:] “I cringed. I cringed so badly.”

[Jason:] “Shut the fuck up.”

[Dick:] “Make m-”

[Stephanie:] “OKAY! Hahah, can we get on with it? Thank you. So yes, joining me is Jason Todd and Dick Grayson.”

[Jason:] “Yo.”

[Dick:] “Hey!”

[Stephanie:] “And today, actually, this episode will be centered around an ask we got from an anonymous, sent from our Tumblr inbox. Thanks Anon!”

[Jason:] “And this anon actually wanted me to appear much more frequently and even though I absolutely, 100% annoy your usual hosts-”

[Stephanie:] “YEP.”

[Dick:] [at the same time with Stephanie] “You’re not wrong.”

[Jason:] “-I’ll try to be a more frequent guest.”

[Stephanie:] “He winked by the way. There’s no camera, dumbass, they can’t hear you.”

[Jason:] “Ah. I see this is already a lost cause.”

[Dick:] “Thanks, Jay. Really.”

[Stephanie:] “Riiight. So, Anonymous asked, ‘What clubs are the Wayne kids in? Tim’s in Paranormal, Jason’s in Drama, what else? What about Cassandra and Damian? And Babs?’ Heh, I love how they didn’t mention Dick.”

[Jason snickers.]

[Dick:] “It’s okay, I’ll cry about it later.”

[Stephanie:] “Also, ‘Who’s dating who in the zoo and what do they identify as?’ We will cover moooooost of what the ask.. Erm, asks us about.”

[Dick:] “We actually asked them the question Anon’s ask was talking about. So these papers-” [sound of papers wiggling] “Have most of our answers.”

[Stephanie:] “Yep!”

[Jason:] “Starting off with Tim then? Since his name was the first to be mentioned? Tim’s answer: ‘Hey, Anon. Thanks for the question. I’m the captain of the Decathlon team, we actually have a match coming up next week at Brentwood Academy, so please make sure to support us.’ You know, if I would have known his answer would literally just be an entire half page of advertisement for his clubs, I would done the same.”

[Dick:] “No one wants to hear you go off about your Drama club, Jason.”

[Jason:] “It’s in the notes! THE NOTES!” [sound of papers shuffling] “And the ask! Anon asked!! And I shall give!”

[Dick:] “You LITERALLY go on and on and on and on-”

[Stephanie:] “And ooon and ooon and ooon-”

[Dick:] “And on about it for hours when you get the chance.”

[Jason:] “Speak for yourself, bitch, you do the same thing when someone asks you about Babs.”

[Stephanie:] “You know, I’m really gonna have to put ‘beep’s on future eps on top of every curse word you say, Jay.”

[Jason:] “Oh, so right now won’t count?”

[Stephanie:] “Wait no, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”

[Jason:] [Taking a deep breath] “FUC-” [His mic gets turned off.]

[Stephanie:] “Can we continue? Please?”

[Jason:] [Heard by Dick’s mic.] “I was kidding, it was a prank, please put my mic back on.”

[Stephanie:] “If you try to do that again, I’m kicking you out of this podcast forever.”

[There’s a click sound.]

[Jason:] [Clearer, back on his mic] “Whatever, fine.”

[Dick:] “...Are you both done yet?”

[Stephanie:] [Sighs.] “Yes.”

[Dick:] “I’m gonna keep going. Tim’s also part of Band during school hours, he plays clarinet. But during after school, he’s in Symphony Orchestra with Cassandra, who plays violin. Jason, isn’t he also in the Robotics club with you?”

[Jason:] “Yeah, we’ve been working on a robot together for next month’s tournament. We’re certain Jay Jr. can win the trophy.”

[Stephanie:] “You called your robot ‘Jay Jr’?”

[Jason:] “It’s better than TD-1020. He was going for more Star Wars.”

[Dick:] “TD-1020?”

[Jason:] “TD for Tim Drake and 1020 ‘cause there’s 26 letters in the alphabet and he put my name as numbers.”

[Dick:] “Okay, but that’s cool.”

[Jason:] “I like Jay Jr better. But I’m also in the Debate team. I like to yell and tell people that they’re wrong.”

[Stephanie:] “Ah yes, you do that really well.”

[Jason:] “Right? Who’s next?”

[Stephanie:] “Damian. He’s in a lot of clubs, actually, but sometimes he hangs out in some clubs for the hell of it. Like Journalism. Dick’s in there too.”

[Dick:] “Not that the Anon cares, or anything.”

[Jason:] “Dick, could you get any more salty?”

[Stephanie snickers.]

[Dick:] “Nah, I can’t. That’s your specialty.”

[Jason:] “Yeah, but like, today it’s like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and stepped on a wet puddle with your sock.”

[Dick:] “...THEY CANCELLED MY DRAMA, OKAY?” [Despair.]

[Stephanie:] “Aaand there it is.”

[Dick:] “WE WERE SO CLOSE. SO SO CLOSE. BENDITA WAS GONNA CHOOSE ROGELIO, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU GUYS SAY-”

[Jason:] “Oh my god, yeah, we know. We know, you tell us about it every time.”

[Stephanie:] “You know, you never really say what drama it is.”

[Jason:] “Steph, please don’t-”

[Dick:] “IT’S FROM-” [his mic gets turned off, but he can till be heard to the side, picked up by Jason’s mic.]

[Jason:] “This is why we don’t ask Dick why he’s not okay most of the time. Can we keep going? Please? Before I hit him with his own mic?”

[Stephanie:] “Yeah. Damian. But the clubs he’s actually in is the Art Club, Astronomy, Sword Fighting, and sometimes he sneaks into Cooking Club, which I’m actually part of.”

[Jason:] “The best part is, he doesn’t even go here. They accepted him into several clubs. I think he scares them.”

[Dick’s still being heard ranting about his drama in the background, but it’s not actually intelligible when Stephanie and Jason talk over him.]

[Stephanie:] “I thought he hacked his way into the system and put his name into the roster?”

[Jason:] “That was at first, yeah. But you know, every time they tried to change the system and take him out, he’s always getting back in.”

[Stephanie:] “So they gave in and gave the brat what he wanted, huh.”

[Jason:] “Careful, he might hear you.”

[Stephanie:] “GOOD. LET HIM. HE STOLE MY LUNCH.”

[Jason:] “Waffles, again?”

[Stephanie:] “As if I eat anything else.”

[Jason:] “Should we add Dick back?”

[Dick’s just sobbing in the background now.]

[Stephanie:] “Give him a few seconds.” [She sounds farther from the mic.] “Here Dick, take a tissue.”

[Dick:] [Sounds farther too] “I just want them both to be happy.”

[Stephanie:] “I know, Dick.”

[Dick:] “And get married and give Bendita the best wedding.”

[Stephanie:] “I know, Dick. Pull yourself together, we’re on air right now.”

[Dick:] “Okay.”

[A click can be heard.]

[Stephanie:] “Dick’s back.”

[Dick:] [sniffles] “Hey.”

[Jason:] “...Are you good, dude?”

[Dick:] “Yeah, yeah. Where’d you guys leave off?”

[Stephanie:] “We left off with Damian. We were gonna do Babs next.”

[Dick:] “Right, okay. So she’s not in many clubs. She’s in the Writing club and the Programming club, but she’s saying that next year they probably won’t have a Programming club next year. There’s not many people that join anymore.”

[Jason:] “We’ve got lovely listeners here. You don’t have to be tech savvy to learn how to program, right?”

[Dick:] “Nope. She helps people who don’t really know what they’re doing. It’s for everyone to learn. And it’s not too late to join!”

[Stephanie:] “Moving on. We’ve got Cass. Ah! She’s in the orchestra as first chair violin!” [She sounds chirpy.] “And she’s doing so well! She’s also in cross country, but I think it’s more fun to watch her in ballet when she performs. She looks so so pretty.”

[Some silence from the boys.]

[Jason:] “Stephanie, are you dating Cass?”

[A beat of silence.]

[Stephanie:] “Nonsense. She’s my best friend!”

[Dick:] “Uhh, Stephanie? You hesitated.”

[Jason:] “Holy shit, you’re dating Cassandra.”

[Stephanie:] “I’m not dating anyone! You can’t prove tha!”

[Jason:] “IT’S ALL OVER YOUR FACE!”

[Stephanie:] “AREN’T YOU DATING ROY?”

[Jason:] “You’re dating Cassandra, holy shit.”

[Dick:] “I always knew something was up between you both. Even Babs had suspicions.”

[Stephanie:] “I’m not! What about Jay, he never denied he’s dating Roy!”

[Jason:] “Oh I’m not. I mean I’m bi, yeah, but Roy’s like a brother.”

[Dick:] “I thought you were hanging out with that guy from Liverpool?”

[Jason:] “John Constantine? Yeah, why? He can hold his booze pretty well, ‘course.”

[Stephanie:] “And?”

[Jason:] “‘And’ what?’

[Stephanie:] “That’s it?”

[Jason:] “Yes? Aaand that he’s fun to hang out with? What, you think I’m just gonna drop my pants for any guy cute guy or girl who comes along?”

[Some silence.]

[Dick:] “But you’re single right now right?”

[Jason:] “Yeah?”

[Stephanie:] “YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS, COME GET YA’LL JAY JUICE.”

[Dick:] “You do realize that’ll just attract the attention of that girl from his fanclub? The one that snuck in our basement twice already?”

[Jason:] “KATHY IF YOU HEAR THIS, CEASE AND DESIST OR I WILL BE FORCED TO GET A FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER I SWEAR-”

[Stephanie:] “Jason, jesus, calm down.”

[Dick:] “Yeah, besides restraining orders don’t seem to do anything to them. Remember that guy with Cass?”

[Stephanie:] “Ah. Yes. Andrew?” [Tone sounds cold.]

[Dick:] “Yeah, him.” [Sounds like he’s highly unamused]

[Jason:] “Ah right. He snuck in once and Titus almost bit his di-”

[Stephanie:] “Anywaaay…”

[Dick:] “Right, we’re getting sidetracked, again.”

[Jason:] “What about Tim? So what, is he with Cassie S. or Kon or what?”

[Stephanie:] “Jeezus, please. That’s like an entire podcast in itself, there’s so much going on with that. But right now he’s with Kon.”

[Jason:] “So what about you, Dick? If Stephanie’s in no relationship, then there’s on point in talking about her.”

[Stephanie:] “Thanks, asshole.”

[Dick:] “Uhh, Babs and I are good.”

[Stephanie:] “Awesome, that wraps it up for Dick’s relationship.

[Dick:] “Wai-”

[Jason:] “Daaaamian’s not really interested in any of this right now, honestly. I mean, he’s made new friends with a girl in his middle school.”

[Dick:] “Maps, right?”

[Stephanie:] “Cute kid. Weird name. I know she listens to the podcast. Hi Maps! Hey, when you get here next year, join Orchestra, I know you play violin. Cassandra’s a great teacher. She’s amazing and talented and-”

[Jason:] [Whispers into the mic.] “And she says she’s not dating her.”

[Stephanie:] “What’d you say?”

[Jason:] “I said you smell like vinegar.” 

[Stephanie:] [A beat of silence] “...No I don’t?”

[Dick:] “Sidetracked again, please. Plus he has Jon, but Jon’s still in elementary. But he is gonna promote to middle school, he’s so grown up now.”

[Jason:] “Please don’t cry again, seriously.”

[Stephanie:] “Oookay I think I’m just about to end this podcast, we went over our limit for today and Jason, we’re late to Drama.”

[Jason:] “Oh shit.”

[Stephanie:] “Anyways, this podcast is brought to you by the ASB, the Associated Student Body. Theeeey sell hot cocoas in the mornings because it’s cold and they care about us.”

[Dick:] “And if you ask, they put little marshmallows in there!”

[Jason:] “That and they’re gonna be selling Sadie Hawkins Dance tickets soon, so make sure to save up for that.”

[Stephanie:] “Also, we’d be more than happy to have guests for our podcast, such as Jason, just go on ahead and drop us an ask or a message, or drop little notes in our lockers to request someone, and we’ll oblige.”

[Dick:] “After all, we’re a student-made podcast, so we’ll student-give.”

[Jason:] “Nice. And to the anon that requested me-” [a kiss sound] “That’s for you.”

[Stephanie:] “Yeck.”

[Dick:] “This has been Dick Grayson-”

[Jason:] “Jason, the Glorious, Todd-”

[Stephanie:] “-AND Stephanie Brown. As always, love and sparkles.”

[End of Episode 7.]