#Boomer is so so so stupid i love him to death

[a-noodle-doodle]

i love these stinky rat bastards

[shapard]

Yeah I just got a idea for a scenario, if you don't want to that ok. date night with lucifer playing untitled goose game, I know it's not ducks but would still be funny 🤣

Playing the Untitled Goose Game with Lucifer🪿

Fluff, Lucifer being a boomer

Lucifer x Reader

Lucifer was working on one of his dozen duck’s creations. 

He was too deep into his work that he didn’t sense you coming from behind.

You called out his name and he was startled at your sudden presence that he jumped up from his seat. 

The duck flew out of his hand flying into one of many piles of little ducklings. 

Dumbfounded he looked at his hands, “… My.. DUCK!”

You watched guilty as Lucifer threw himself right after it, searching for it. 

After a while he came back up, “She’s gone…” He pouted, “Well, just going to make another one.” He stood back up fixing his hair and his tuxedo. 

“Luci?” You called out for him, he completely forgot that you were standing there.

“Oh- OH! Hello Sweetie!” In a blink of an eye, he had you in a death grip, hugging you closely against his body. 

He stepped back and gave you a wide smile. “Next time please knock, you scared the shit out of me.” He laughed nervously and looked up to you with his loving eyes. 

His eyes travelled on your hands which were hiding something behind your back. “What do you have there.” He pointed at your hidden hands. 

Remembering why you were here in the first place, you smirked and pulled out a game named “Untitled Goose Game”.

Lucifer looked at you confused. 

“A game?” You nod furiously. “Can you please play it while I watch? Like a little date?”

After a while of being in a relationship with him you found out that he hates TV, and everything that came with it. 

He had an old Tv and it barely worked. For you he made an exception and bought one of those newer Flat Tv (The newest). 

When you found that game you just knew you must play it with him.

It was a game about a Goose?!

Who doesn't like Geese?

Lucifer sighed, “You know I don’t like any Tv related things. Maybe something else, for tonight?” He asked nervously, fidgeting with his tuxedo.

After minutes of Arguments, you both were sitting in couple duck pajamas on the Couch.

You two were cuddled up together and he had you in his Arms.

He didn't look impressed at all.

He agreed to play that game with you if you wear couple pajamas, he bought few weeks ago.

And you gladly accept.

You explained to him the main controls of the controller and he started to curse:

“Why is this so complicated?”

“Why doesn't it work?!”.

“You’re being so dramatic.” You said and Lucifer glared at you. “Here you can move the goose.” You moved the link stick to show him. 

You danced in Victory when you saw him playing after minutes of rage.

Finally he pressed the right buttons.

With sparkling eyes, he walked around as a goose in the game he was already obsessed.

He moved the goose easily around the game and he honked at almost everything in the game. 

It was so adorable.

He loved this game. 

Even though he rages every time someone shoos him away.

Once he even tried to throw the controller at the human in the Tv. you managed to stop him just in time. 

He was very pissed at the humans in the game screaming every second: “Let me through!”

"How dare they not let me pass?! I'm the king of Hell!" You stroked his back, calming him down. "It's just a game."

It was a simple, stupid game but he loves everything about it.

And he’s secretly thankful you bought him this game.

He squealed like a child who got a Lollipop when he discovered he could swim in the little lake. 

Even when you fell asleep and woke up in the morning after you saw Lucifer still playing the game. Fighting with the urge to go to sleep. 

Maybe you changed his mind about Video games and Tv with this little date night.

He finally did something else than working on his hyper fixation about ducks.

But now he started to also make rubber Gooses.

A/n: I hope this meet your expectations! I completely forgot about this game's existence💀.

💫

@i-have-no-life-charlie @sirenetheblogger

[finniestoncrane]

hey i'm here to see a movie in your wee cinema!!

i'd love to see gn!reader sit in the front row with ssktjl!boomer, watching an action movie while eating strawberry ice cream<33 (sorry if the requests are suppose to be more straightforward, i like the lil set up you have and wanted to play along heheh)

also congratulations on 2k followers!! i've been following you since the peak batman 2022 days and you're a writer i always look forward to seeing on my dash. i'd love to be entered into your commission raffle too if that's okay?? thank you for your writing, you're a real treasure<33

ah, thank you bug!! i'm glad we're growing from terrible boy to terrible boy together ;-; and of course!! 💚🩷 cw: blood, injury, hurt/comfort (physical wounds), flirting, drunk george 🔞minors dni🔞 send a request • masterlist • kofi link • tag: finnie2k (to follow or to block)

Usually you wouldn't answer your door in the middle of the night. And you certainly wouldn't answer it to the loud, threatening pounding that had shaken you awake. But as you approached it, nearest solid object in hand as your only weapon, you felt your body relaxing. Outside of the door you could hear George's voice, mumbling.

Drunk. Again. And no doubt making an attempt at a late night 'root' as he often put it.

But when you swung open the door, you found him slumped between two men, beaten, bruised and bloody, and filled with questions which were quickly answered by his reluctant assistants.

"Nah, you were right, he's completely wasted. Didn't stop him trying to fist fight three guys in the parking lot, though. All because they claimed that the Flash was the best one in the Justice League. He never stood a chance."

And when two patrons had decided they couldn't watch him be beat to death, regardless of how much they felt he deserved it, your address was the one he had chosen to give them.

"Great. Well, thanks. I can take him from here."

As they passed him over to you, George smiled, his mouth filled with blood that spilled over his lips as he spoke.

"Ah, see! I knew you'd be good for it, babe!"

With his arm around your shoulder, you practically carried him over to your sofa and let him slump down into it. His eyes were closed over, but he was still grinning, a wide and stupid smile that was irritatingly pulling at your heart strings.

You snapped your fingers in front of his face, calling his name until he opened his eyes and focused, very slowly, on you.

"Hey! Don't fall asleep yet. I need to make sure you're ok, first."

"Cos you like me?"

"Hm. More that I don't want a dead guy on my couch."

He laughed, snorting incredulously.

"Yeah... it's cos you like me."

The moment you began to wipe away the blood on his face, however, he made an attempt to bat you away.

"Oi! Get off, I'll be fine! I think I can take a beating without needing to be looked after, thank you very much."

George stood up from the couch and immediately stumbled over nothing, falling back down with a heavy thud.

"Come on, Harkness. Don't act like you're so tough and brave. I think you've forgotten how many times you've been on this couch in a drunken stupor. Now, stop with the machismo and let me look at you, idiot."

You took his face in your hands, and though he stubbornly wiggled at first, he calmed down as your thumb grazed across his cheekbone, your eyes focused on his as you surveyed the damage, the blooming bruises in the corners that spread to the bridge of his nose.

"You're hands... are so soft..."

He smiled at you, a genuine, gentle grin that you couldn't help but return.

"... I can think of somewhere else that might need some attention from them."

"Aw, come on."

As you stood up and turned from him, hiding your smile, you could hear him groaning.

"What? What was wrong with that? I thought you were going to look after me? Nurse? Nurse! Oi! Get back here for my sponge bath!"

[jaxxsoxxn]

you got more of NSFW Headcanons of Flasharang 👌💋

Oh boy, do I! ;] (hcs from before in chronological order: normal, nsfw, spicy, normal)

Boomer absolutely loves Barry's thighs - bites them the most. Flash has to sometimes just wack his head away because "I have to run tommorow, Digger!" but usually he let's him go at it.

They'd be the worst in a threesome - their jealousy and need to touch would make it horrible for the third person unless they're a voyeur.

Talking about voyeurism - even when none of em have enough patience for just watching, after some "worse" fights, Barry would just tie Boomer to the bed and make him watch get himself ready/finger him without letting him touch. Digger fights him only for a few minutes, before softly begging and being like "doll... Ya know I didn't mean it-" man's thinking he's slick lmao

Flash would absolutely fight til grave that he's not even a little sadistic - but he also definitely enjoys just not letting Boomer do anything, leaving him at his mercy.

One day he decided to just check every tattoo Digger has, maybe while using his mouth. Boomer absolutely curses him and his entire "Speedy goddamn bloodline".

Also, Barry likes to notice every small thing, so Digger can hide his more sensetive areas only for that long. Boomer's sure that he hid them well enough, until his fav Flash stabs him with his fingers slightly under his ribs and makes him choke on his spit.

Digger, who will also fight this violently til death, adores working for getting shit - like, of course you can open him up if you'll beg nicely.

Getting Barry ready is Boomer's fav part of topping him - if he can eat him out before? Even better.

One time he just spits at Barry's hole and gets a concussion right back, after he jolts and kicks him in surprise with superspeed, almost throwing him across the room.

Talking bout rimming, Digger always acts like it's the biggest embarrassment ever when he's on the reviving side - he will fight tooth and nail, just to curl his toes five seconds later like a little bitch.

Flash's a rider and them thighs are definitely working overtime. He's also the one bringing snacks and water after a longer session - Digger might give him few snack bars, but he's usually not as concerned about himself, which he should be.

Boomer's not actually a crier! So when he starts tearing up the first time mid sex, he can't help himself not to stop Barry, so he can "deal with it."

Barry is absolutely down to just stopping fully and helping him with it, but he believes that it's "stupid" and it'll "go away". They have a talk about it later, with lots of softness.

Their relationship stared by sex and Digger fully believed that it'll be just that, because "why would he want him any other way lmao"

They still have an issue with softer sex sometimes, when Barry actually let's himself love Digger, not fuck him. Poor ol' Cap needs few breaks in-between, when he can just take some shaky breaths and relax.

Barry's so carrying that the first few times when he's like "Poor baby, you need a break? We have all the time you need, just breath with me, love." Digger sobs. He also gets 100% more sensetive to everything.

Me 🤝(shaking hands emoji) Making Boomer pathetic

Also it turned slightly angsty at the end, didn't it? Well,,

Also, my Boomerflash lovers n dear anons, sorry for slower response, but I am drawing a shorter comic rn for these two with lyric from "Too Sweet" by Hozier! So expect that, I guess <3

[nfumbewalk]

Deadication 💀

Clever title? Ha! 😆 I think so. Photo: Necromantic Rite, old.

I'm dedicated to my craft. I've really never done any work as seriously as my work with muertos. I care for my departed humans. Why do magicians treat them like trash? They banish them harshly after a conversation with them! Why be like that? If you are going to do this, then expect them to over stay! Its akin to kicking a guest out of your house after being nice, then kicking them to the curb! Rude af, thank you. There are harmful muertos, but don't assume that they are all dirt!

I have the constant presence of muertos in my home and we live peacefully, though there are noises and shadows. Its not scary at all. At first, I was a bit spooked - and Rodolfo can be mischievous at times, but I take comfort in him and say "Hi, sweetie." Tom doesn't say much, he just grumbles. Lol. That's him. Other muertos are not very present unless I start ritual with Rodolfo and I start Siphoning the Earth. They come out to join. I welcome them to have drink and get some healing energy for their Elevation. Muertos love that.

You can help a haunting with a blue candle and a glass of water set in the West. Tell the "ghost" its for them and their healing, even if the "ghost" is angry. Do this for a week, with a new candle and fresh cold water. They should leave on their own. If they don't, that means that they are stuck in their "death state" (usually) and you may need further help.

Humans who have passed are not stupid but they may be helpless. They will act like children for attention but never treat them like a child unless they are one. They act on base instinct and so much emotion. I cannot express how much I hate paranormal investigators, except for some psychics. Those shows propagate a lot of misinformation and they act egregiously towards muertos. So disrespectful!! Sorry, a newer pet peeve of mine.

Am I ever scared? Truly? Dead humans, no. Other beings? Depends on their origin. Why do I put "ghosts" in parenthesis? Ghost is a nebulous term. Dead humans aren't nebulous, they are concrete. Muerto = dead. Simple. Not ghost, not spirit. Not apparition. DEAD. 😊 Dead human. Done.

I wonder why ppl think its so hard to reach out to a muerto? Thinking rationally, for me, its easy. Normies are too far removed, I guess. I just had a conversation for the first time with my deceased mother since she died in 2006. She sounded really weird toned but it definitely was her vernacular. Her way of speaking with terms like "far out." Lol! That's what she thinks of me and dad's "Thorp Family Power." 😆She is funny still. Her sarcasm hasn't left. Damn Boomers. Have to love em! She'd be 76. She was only 58 when she died. Now I can reach her! I'm getting my relatives back, its just not conventional.

I've said a lot and I'm probably going to stop for the night.

M.M. 💖💀💖

[tachosnachos]

I just saw your hierarchy kdrama rant and I thought I would share some things as well!

First things first for me personally the trailers really hyped up the drama to the point where after the watching the show I feel as thought the trailers had more plot than the actual drama

As we go though the drama I felt like there was just so many plot holes that needed to be filled but just wasn’t. Like I thought this whole time until the end of the show that Jae-I was in love with In-Han and got pregnant by him just to find out it was Ri-an’s child this whole time(I just feel like Jae-I hid things that if she told Ri-an about them they would have been solved a lot faster aka the video and the pregnancy) idk Jae-I and Ri-an’s relationship just pissed me off the ENTIRE show just terrible communication, if Ri-an was able to find the person who threatened him with the video in less than a week the same video Jae-I had to leave for 3 months I feel like she should’ve just told him, the holding off thing was just unnecessary. Like you said with Kang-ha I just kinda feel like after the kiss with Jae-I he forgot about his entire plan and his purpose there, so bad to the point where it took the principles son to really remind him, like what are you here for is it Jae-I or your brother(I’ve seen dramas where the main character get revenge and their love interest but this was just done poorly) I also felt as thought the revenge was really bland like they could’ve faced more consequences like even though the kid’s didn’t kill In-Han they should have to face some sort of punishment. The teacher also really pissed me off as well especially with how obsessed she was with Woojin when you know clearly he’s in love with Hera. (They constantly showed happy scenes of In-Han and characters who are responsible for his death as if were supposed to fell sad for them,or if that supposed to justify anything 💀) I don’t really have much to say for Hera’s character but I felt as though she added drama to the show(though the post-it note scene was just confusing to me) (also really hated the whole student x teacher trope💀)

Also at the very end of episode 7 I feel like that was better plot twist than the end, overall I had really high hopes for the show but it was just really disappointing like from episode 1-4 we really interesting for me but really confusing and disappointing from there

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think, hope your days going well!

I have 2 more episodes to go to which I’m really having a hard time jumping back on. If it wasn’t for this stupid thing I have on where I have to finish what I started no matter how miserable it might make me, I would’ve dropped it long ago. The only fortunate thing about this show is it’s 7 episodes, one more than that I might actually lose my mind.

My guess is the show saw the audience penthouse and sky castle got and tried jumping on the band wagon. Only, they bit more than they can chew on. With sky castle and penthouse, even though the premise are about rich privileged kids, the children’s high school life was somewhat relatable. ie, students competing with one another, over ambitious parents, school bullying. That and the drama and revenge plot of the show keep us on our toes and is actually satisfying to watch.

This show almost feels like what boomers think rich high school kids do in school. It’s overly dramatised in parts that didn’t need to be, and in some of the plots it’s like they introduced it and then completely forgot about it. That’s probably why there’s so many plot holes.

I agree with a lot of the revelations are disappointing. It’s like they built it up, let our imaginations go wild, only for it to go down in dissatisfaction. I still don’t know what the problem is if Jae I and Ri an dated because their reasoning is not enough for me to buy it. It’s like they’re more upset with the idea of Jae I with Rian, who are both of the same privileged background, than Jae I with Kang Ha. All Kang Ha got was a couple threats and then nothing. He’s literally allowed in her vacation home, he could still walk around her freely but god forbid they know about Rian. A dating scandal isn’t big enough reason for someone to be killed off.

Sometimes it’s almost offensive how bad it is. It’s like they think the audience would eat up whatever they feed us without thinking the logistics of it. None of the characters has a purpose or goal, none of them the writers cares enough to give back story to and the acting didn’t make it any better.

Why is Rian so obsessed with Jae I? Why is Jae I so scared of her father? What is Kang Ha’s revenge plan? Why is Hera so jealous of Jae I? And why is Woo Jin sleeping with their teacher? If he’s upset he can’t have Hera, he could’ve gone for one of the other girls in school. None of this is answered. All they did is barely scrape the surface and expect us to buy it. I actually believed if they wanted to they could fit it all to 7 episodes but the show has no direction whatsoever.

They also lack that self-acknowledgement that makes this all infuriating. Rian as a character is morally skewed yet the show is trying to sell him like he’s a character we should be swooning over. Jae I is not as strong as a character as they think she is, because the choices she makes are questionable. And the show still has yet to show that the teacher x student trope is problematic. If their goal was to show the teacher as manipulative, they didn’t have to pair her with her student. She could be one of their parents’ mistress and it would do the same job.

The fact that netflix thought this show was a good idea to have in their platform is actually baffling. They truly have poor judgement.

I’ll try reviewing the last two. Hopefully I can get it together.

[didasgomas]

I am here again to offer funny stuff to @mustangsart .... I guess ( there was a problem before so that's why I'm posting this one all over again )

Mustang offers angst to his fans and I offer memes to him . Except that I'm not the only fan who does that and this time it's not all memes

I'll be calling the deer / Mary statue / Alt!Thatcher alternate just Deer cause it's much easier . And the one interaction with Preacher is not meant to be a prediction , this is all just for the funzies

But anyway , you're here for the funni , so yeah

Deer : Come on , it's been two days! Go kill that human! Alt!Ces : Nuh-uh! Deer : The fuck you mean "nuh-uh" ?!

Deer : Hey dude , can I get a sip of that vodka? Six : It's not vodka . Deer : Vinegar! I like your style! Six : It's orphan tears . Deer : Wot? Six : It's orphan tears , you puss-

[ Tbf if you haven't yet heard Orphan Tears 1 by Your Favorite Martian then I recommend you do . It's a very good song ]

( Now presenting : Interactions between Sus!Gabriel and his employees )

Gabe : I just need you to take out some people here and there , okay? Alt!Ces : On a date or to their deaths? Gabe : I- Just go already Alt!Ces : Okay boomer Gabe : You little-!

Gabe : Six , I have a job for you Six : Yeah boss? Gabe : I need you to be a parent Six : BITCH WHA-

Deer : Hey boss Gabe : Hmm Deer : So I've still got my attention on the blonde cop dude ; I've gotten rid of the identity crisis fucker like you asked ; and I've traumatized the tall white boy that I think he might end himself tonight Gabe : Good job Deer : Sooooo… Gabe : What? Deer : Am I one of your favourite employees now? Gabe : Haha no Deer : Awh :(

Meanwhile in the void *

Random alt 1 : Do you have an eight? Random alt 2 : No , go fish

Alt!Ces : * groan of boredom *

( Warning : Roasting Six ahead ) [ I can imagine Alt!Cesar with a british accent lol ]

Six : Pff , what are you gonna do? You're just a little hater

Alt!Ces : I'll tell you what , you fat little cunt! You're boring , you don't sound scary at all , so go fuck yourself in the dirty corner you came from , you dirty little baby-eater who puts on chapstick!

Six : … Gabe : Wow

Alt!Ces : Okay , the baby-eater part was probably a little bit overtop , but at the end of the day you're fucking boring! Every single newbie alternate who admires you are all stupid , they're ignorant , they're fat little cunts like you!

Deer : Don't listen to him , he's just jealous cause he's single- Alt!Ces : The creator doesn't even- Deer : -hated Alt!Ces : Huh? Deer : The fans both love and hate you ; me and Six are hated on all sides

Alt!Ces : I'm gonna jump! Six : No , don't jump! * Runs to get a camera * Six : Okay , jump now! Deer : Do a flip!

Alt!Ces : And then he says that … He's my friend Preacher : Oh my Gabe , I DON'T FUCKING CARE!

Hope you have enjoyed this bunch of non-sense

[hippodamoi]

no, but actually let me just talk about the Inkblack Heart for a sec. I devoured that book. All 1004 pages of it. Like I devoured every other book in that series, granted, but it was so cathartic to have proper literature address the severity of online witchhunts based on nothing but misinformation and misogyny.

Several people were hunted to death by misinformation and hate-campaigns on twitter and there's no bandying about with it. the online bullying and the misinformation would seep into the everyday lives of the targets - spread like cancer in fact - until even the people closest to them would begin doubting what they knew about them.

It addresses online grooming and the risk we all take sharing so much of our lives on here - how easy it is to find out your identity and track you unless you're being exceptionally careful. We've normalized online relationships and friendships, but Inkblack Heart just emphasizes that you can never really know who is on the other side of the screen - even if you've been friends for years. How easy it is to catfish another for your own purposes. How easy it is to fake romance when all you have is text messages. And these reminders aren't overbearing, browbeating i-know-better-than-you boomer preaching - it's just a gentle reminder to be careful. no one is being called stupid for trusting online friends (only one person but she is remarkably gullible and yet it is acknowledged that it was a professional deceiving her.) There's even a cathartic moment of a pedo having the fear of god put into him - and you know i love that.

The depth of character displayed makes me green-eyed with envy. good heavens i wish i had the skill to create character depth like Rowling can. Such interesting characters with such god damn depth and dimension, it makes you wonder if they're characters or real people.

even incels and 'pick-up artists' are addressed. Incels are characterized as seriously disturbed individuals, domestic terrorists capable of a lot of damage instead of just vague pitiable neckbeards. Pick-up artists as the pathetic, laughable gate-way into that world.

Not to mention all the examples of parent-child relationships and how they can be toxic, how they can be positive and healthy and what to recognize. The plot just covers so much without being the least bit preachy and it all fits and it's so masterfully tied together (i am not a whodunnit kind of girl, but i love these and i stand over the cooker, making my dinner while seriously contemplating who the murderer might be. i was ALMOST right. one degree of separation! so close! i am always right about the killer in midsummer murders but those are a bit easier) it's so fun and so engaging and i hate that it has a bad rep because gendies have to mindlessly witchhunt and punish anyone with a dissenting opinion. i have not read or seen a single transphobic thing in any of the books in the series - and i actually read them all thankyouverymuch - good grief, rant over.

[talesofmetalandmagic]

Dad!Nasus and Azir – headcanons

Nasus was always baby Azir’s favourite compared to Renekton, obviously since crocodiles are kinda seen as scarier than doggos. It took him days to even touch Renekton.

Azir was also Nasus’ favourite child of the Emperor, possibly because he saw how unloved he was. Behind the excuse of Azir’s small age, Nasus would bring him treats and trinkets to make him smile.

When he told baby Azir that he was a sick child and risked death, he clung to his neck and refused to let go.

The Emperor, a classic boomer dad who sees parenting as a way to act like a dictator (I mean he kinda was as a whole but…) was a firm user of corporal punishment on his children, and Azir was always his favorite to punish. Nasus would always refuse to cane him, and when it came to someone else to do it, he always had sweet words and medicine for baby Azir.

Side note: don’t f***ing hit your children

Nasus kind of hoped the Emperor would disown Azir at once, to remove him from that toxic family and be his new dad.

He was the one teenage Azir would go to to ask embarrassing questions about the birds and the bees. Cue Renekton laughs.

When Azir married his queen, Nasus gifted him splendid books he barely looked at because at this point all he had in mind was power. Renekton, who’s more reactive and less stuck in the past, gave him a more welcome gift: a chest of jewels and a majestic fur-lined cape. Azir would bite himself for days for not having given Nasus’ gift the proper attention.

Xerath planned to steal those books for himself, seeing Azir as an idiot unworthy of such wisdom. They were eventually plundered and lost. Thanks, Azir.

Nasus knits to relax his mind, which brings him closer to Taliyah. She says he’s too smart to think all the time. He says he’s stressed out.

He’s big enough to hold Hawk!Azir bridal style, which he sometimes does when the stress of everything conks him up early. He puts him to bed and watches over him for a while, as if he could vanish like Renekton once he turned to the side.

Since birds are of warmer blood than mammals, Azir feels like a small heat bag whenever he hugs him. He loves it even more so.

He’s conflicted between scolding Azir for his stupidity and just… being thankful he’s there. He reminds him of a much happier past. He feels as if he’s failed at everything and he must protect what little is left of old Shurima.

He’s a master of giving advice he’s not going to follow, and Azir is the field where he’s best at it. He tells him not to beat himself up for the past, to move forward, to find healing at once… yet he’s the one who dwells in the past the most.

If Azir was to be banished, he’d go with him. Nothing would be left for him out there.

In short, he’s pretty much the Slipping Through My Fingers scene from Mamma Mia.

[finniestoncrane]

love your piss fics with boomer. hope you write more now that kill the justice league is out with some wonderful cutscenes for us piss lovers<3

Life Goal

KTJL!Boomer x GN!Reader, word count: 500 i am NOTHING if not an indulgent little slut who would happily take a golden aussie shower 💙 request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: piss, spoilers, death reference, allusions to that cut scene so uh... disrepecting a corpse OOP

Taking a deep inhale and then sighing, filled with satisfaction, Digger spoke.

"Aw yeah. I'm gonna do it. Definitely."

You'd been resting on his shoulder, hand on his chest as you lazed on the sofa. He'd been silent throughout the movie, his thumb absent-mindedly stroking your arm, intermittently bending his neck to kiss your head. He'd been deep in thought, but given that his thoughts were usually pornographic in nature, you hadn't bothered pressing him. There was always something filthy rattling around in his dirty mind.

"Gonna do what, Dig?"

"When I kill the Flash."

"When, not if."

"Yeah! When I kill him!"

"Yeah?"

He turned to you, causing you to fall onto his chest, looking up into his excited green eyes as a crooked smile pressed into his freckled cheeks.

"When I kill him. I'm going to piss on his stupid corpse."

"What a noble life goal."

"Is it, isn't it."

Walking your fingers up his sternum and resting your palm in the centre of his chest, feeling his quickening heartbeat, you batted your eyelashes playfully.

"Will you let me help?"

He raised an eyebrow, confused and taken aback.

"You wanna piss on him too?"

You laughed, quick to shut that line of thinking down, but gently so.

“If you wanted me to, I’d think about it… But I was thinking more along the lines of a helping hand.”

Your free hand quickly skated up his thigh, gripping the ever-present bulge in his pants, his thick, impressive cock stuffed in tight.

“This has always seemed like a two person job, after all. I could help you hold it, so your arms don’t get tired, of course.”

His voice cracked ever so slightly as he spoke, a definite twitch against your palm as his cock began to stiffen.

"Really? I mean, obviously, I could do with the help. I'm never going to say no to any assistance."

"Is that so?"

Stroking his growing length, feeling the veins pulse through the thing layer of fabric between them and your hand, you felt your own arousal growing. He jutted his hips up a little, pushing at you to go further, begging you to, silently. As much as he loved a tease, he was far more interested in getting to the point of the action. Your soft skin against him, your hand tight, pumping, stroking. He realised he was holding his breath, a lopsided, brainless smile on his lips as he daydreamed.

You could sense his desperation, and you knew it wasn't fair to tease him with no intentions of providing any relief. So you spoke up.

"Maybe we should go practice then. I'd hate to mess up your big moment."

Digger jumped up from the sofa, almost sending you tumbling to the floor. He spoke as he ran to the bathroom, pulling his pants down as he walked.

"Righto, sweetheart! Hurry up! I could kill Flash at any moment!"

Rolling your eyes a little, but gleefully, you followed in his wake.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary51

11/1-2/2023

wednesday - thursday

today sucked but that's okayyy.

not really but whatever. it's not because errands themselves were stressful. but first i should list off positives of the day, i made a guitar sound just now, it's crazy feedback freakshit, really cool to me, kind of really gets the pv stuff down too, which is mental. i recorded vocals and re-wrote lyrics for that song, and i'm sure i'll need to go back in, but it's huge to have that idea down and stuff.

anyways, today sucked because my gf's mom decided, while she and my gf were out together separate from me, me in the laundromat, laying into her about basically random bullshit, from me not having a job (i try! no one wants to hire me, there's huge gaps in my employment history, i can't act right in interviews or something i guess, sometimes i accidentally put "would prefer not to answer" for questions of gender on the questionnaire things, and it's apparently not something you're meant to do) and then getting into how we behaved on the trip, she believes for some reason that i think there is no war in israel when what i said to her, days ago in arizona, was that world war 3 is not going to start and china is not looking to invade america or use a nuclear weapon on us because one why would they start mutually assured destruction, unless they destroy america totally and just america (and what would they get?? no land, no resources, they are extracting all the capital they could want because they have beaten us at manufacturing and basically everything (we still have to see if they will achieve communism tho (i hope they do))), and two like i just said, they have beaten us industrially, america wants to stoke hate for china to start something because one: america is racist and evil and two: humiliated about not being number 1 (and all boomers are too thus the china is evil fantasy). i was also pro palestine and said that israel is obviously to blame here in every way, because they hold their people hostage essentially feeding these deaths to justify greater and greater strides towards genocide. in the car, she was agreeing with me, but she just does that. she also kept talking about how she had family who were in the military, and a husband too, and like wow who cares, the first place they test all the propaganda, where all the red scare cold war bullshit hit first, panic over those paper tigers that are kept to just destroy the world if we wanna. stupid. she also brought up multiple times that i am uneducated because i didn't get my degree because i could not justify going to school during covid virtually because i would be so bad at it and stuff, so she thinks i am like a stupid uneducated hick, something she loves to use against all kinds of people!!!!! she's so classist it honestly makes me sick.

she also brought up bill maher, and how disrespectful we were, and how she was so upset hearing us make jokes, and my gf asked if she thought i liked hearing him make bathroom gender jokes, and her mom was like "well he's just a man. it's a choice. he isn't one of them right." and a bunch of other shit, so my gf came in to tell me all this, she sees her telling me, and then she just calls my gf to say that if she's going to have a conversation then at least include her, and then she literally abandons us in the fucking laundromat for a while until my gf calls her, and during the call she begins ranting about bill maher again, and how he's making jokes for a different generation and how we don't understand, and also how i need to "pick a side, he's either transgender or not." and more stupid nonsense, but she at least comes to get us again. the whole rest of the day she acts like nothing happened, and that she isn't an abusive/manipulative bitch. my gf cursed her out during the first go around, and she was so pathetic, she acted like she was being abused and had to get away from her evil daughter defending her partner and getting upset her mother is literally a stupid and bad person who can't get over gentle banter over fucking bill maher. i can't believe he's developed into this great a problem in my life. he is a demon that looms in my existence now until i die, or he dies. not that i am wishing for his death (sincere, it feels awful to wish for people to die unless they are intensely rich demons like bezos who have so much funding behind them they are literally impervious to wishing (i think my superstitious sectors of my brain are over active in unfun ways that can rule my life sometimes but whatever (just washing my hands of intent and telling everyone my intent is perfect and good and i would never hurt anybody i am just nice and happy and not evil)))

it's so whatever, literally too stupid for earth.

this isn't even all the news of the day though, my gf's brother had a party last night, and he had a friend over who was on acid, coke, weed, and booze, and he had an ego death moment, obsessed over his own death a while, shit himself, ripped his clothes off, screamed, slammed his head into their mirror and broke the thing into one million pieces or whatever, climbed on the countertop of their kitchen totally naked, screamed about dying more, and ran out of the house to beat a cop up and steal his car and drive it 5 miles out into a car with 2 people in it. there is a video.

needless to say he is traumatized, his friend is in the trauma unit, the people he crashed into are in the trauma unit, no one is going to come out of this even half okay.

hearing that, and the thing with her mom insulting me behind my back (not new but it sucks and this is the worst it's ever gotten), today is kind of a stupid nightmare. but i feel okay basically. i was more pissed earlier and my gf left a drink in the laundromat, she mentioned it in the car ride to the grocery store, and i said "another one of today's disappointments" and her mom said something and we just said it had nothing to do with her, the statement. maybe that sucked of me. whatever, kind of. i don't like being mean but how else is she supposed to take the hint that she is being not a good or even likeable person when she acts like this, and is only being delusional when she believes she's in the right.

and i totally am grateful she drives us around to help us run our errands, she doesn't have to but, like, she does it because she thinks she's going to get payment from it some day, and she also does this because literally, i hate to bring it to him again, but she has fantasies of her daughter going on bill maher or cnn, and hoping her daughter would agree with anything she says in her head, she'd get to finally have her genius thoughts spat out in the most meaningless information streams the general public are exposed to, hoping her daughter will be an 'expert' that can be used by the media to bludgeon people with basically because they are wrong and she would, being her daughter and hopefully (but in actuality she disagrees with her entirely) agree with her, and prove that she, ******a, is right about everything. she would like to reduce her daughter that she has beaten, manipulated, called an accident, into a mouth piece and robs her of herself totally in her daydreams. a miserable excuse for a parent. i am grateful though. i try to like her. sometimes she is a very kind woman, or she makes the effort which counts i guess, but my gf is beyond ever being convinced that she really is nice, rightfully so, i'm just on my way there, i am going to lay down in a sea on the other end of some mountains and let the sea take me away, the wash whispering oh well a million times over.

some people only have ressentiment. that's how her mother is. the wasted life. she hates that i don't work because hard work is all that matters, she doesn't see the ways i work hard but all her hard work has given her is arthritis and misanthropy.

i should put some images here about this vague malaise.

yanase masamu - a length of capitalist's drool.

combatwoundedveteran - this is not an erect all-red neon body

mark mccoy - wound

hans bellmer - la poupee

ilona jurgiel (idk if she called this anything, striking though)

jean cocteau (tragically i do not know where this is from, making me feel stupid, but it strikes me right now as meaningful).

i don't know if these images connect at all really for anyone else but they are pretty things to adorn myself with, little resonant chimes that harmonize with right now distantly, or maybe in detuned 5ths, some kind of gamelan tonal array.

i always feel like anything where someone has their guts out though, re: mark mccoy + the cwv album cover.

anwayssssssssss ughhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhh:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[littlefreya]

Behind Blue Eyes

Summary: Beaten and broken, August Walker walks the streets of an unnamed city while he is taken by sudden longing.

Pairing: August Walker x OFC (August's POV)

Words: 2k

Warnings: +18, angst, bad language, mentions of sex, mentions of alcohol, mentions of a breakup, longing, love, heartache. August being poetic AF and August being a prick and stealing candy.

A/N: This story was in my WIP drive for 2 years now and I finally got inspired to finish it. Beta'd by the amazing @agniavateira. I hope you'll enjoy it, I admit it's different from my usual stuff.

Behind Blue Eyes

Ghostly smoke carried onto the autumn breeze. It permeated my nostrils, making my throat itch and my tear ducts sting. The entire street smelled like burning elm leaves and some sort of tarty odour that resembled charred pumpkins. Might have been some ritualistic witchcraft. 

This time of the year made all sorts of freaks swarm the streets. 

I should know, I was one of them. With blood seeping out my nostrils and caking my moustache, I looked like something that crawled out of hell myself. 

Stumbling to the hotel, my feet nearly failed me. Whatever I was tonight, it wasn’t a man but a shadow at best, no more than the swarming pack of ghouls and demons that rushed toward me. Their white and green faces leered with taunt, eyes glowering hollow and fangs of red plastic greeted me with an insult. 

Fucking kids.

Unbalanced, I swayed from one side to the other. My long arm casually lunged forward, my hand diving straight into the pumpkin-shaped bucket a little boy was holding. Not batting a single eyelash, I grabbed a handful of candies.

“Hey, mister! That’s mine!” The kid whined with protest, lifting his mask to look at me with a distressed pout.

Unfazed by his stupid face, I snorted and stored the pillaged Halloween snacks down the pocket of my trench coat, offering him a scolding frown instead. “You damn kids should be in fucking bed, it’s almost 2 am.”

Was it actually? I lost track of time after my sixth glass of bourbon.

“Fuck off, boomer!” They shouted at me as I walked away. The Cheshire grin smeared on my face hurt my cheeks; I haven’t been this amused since I hate-fucked Hunt’s daughter against the window at HQ. But my smile shortly waned as every bone in my body kindly reminded me of the beating I took a few hours earlier. 

‘Screw this night.’ I balled my fist around the sweets in my pocket and spat a mouthful of blood on the curb. This assignment didn’t go as smooth as planned; someone informed the target and he was well aware and prepared for my arrival. As he mauled me down and pulled out a box-cutter I was sure this was going to be the one where I kicked the bucket.

A brush with death on the night of Halloween, how poetic.

'More like pathetic.' In that glacial moment when the blade kissed my throat, the only thing that lingered on my mind was her.

How the phantom of her lips kissed below my sideburn, her scent so vivid yet drifting away. I couldn’t grasp it, couldn’t keep the sensation that was her entity. As the remnants of her reverie completely faded, came the pure rage. That asshole didn’t stand a chance once I gained the upper hand and started beating him to a bleeding pulp. 

I needed a drink after that—at least four to dull the pain and erase those ridiculous thoughts. 

Flares of striking pink and orange blinded my eyes as I finally made it to the hotel’s lobby. The honeyed spirit that laved my veins failed to take the edge off; rather than dimming my senses, it enhanced every physical and mental pain while I oscillated into a whirlpool of hurt. One by one, the memories hit me like a flash, gnawing at me while I made my way through the empty neon-lit lobby and advanced toward the elevator. 

Did I even remember what she looked like? Or was her face altered and changed by the fickle fingers of memory? 

Trying to keep on my feet I barged into the lift, surprising a middle-aged lady who stood against the translucent glass wall with eyes wide open and disdain written all over her wrinkled face. She curled her nose, either because of how badly I smelled or how bludgeoned I must have looked. 

“Ever had sex in an elevator?” I teased, grabbing the flaccid bulge in my groin with a suggestive wink. Horrified, she grunted at me and fled in an instant.   

Still laughing, I took the elevator and then sauntered toward the hotel room. My amusement surely died as my chest burnt with every heave and the unmistakable taste of iron climbed up my throat. 

“Shit…” I mumbled.  Exhausted, I sank into the cradling grave that was my bed, and my eyes soared to the ceiling. Memories of her lying beside me haunted my thoughts; the tender pads of her fingers, hovering over my hairy chest, the fragrance of her skin - subtle, like dry autumn leaves, wafted over me.

The idea that I might die here, in a city so far away from her, without her even knowing crept into my mind and a sense of painful hollowness wove in my gut. 

If I could only speak to her, one last time…

“I still have her number,” I mumbled into the dim light.

I never lost it. Like an idiot I kept moving it from one burner phone to the other, lying to the agency that it was an important informant. Fishing for the device from my pants pocket, I stared at the black mirror and stroked a bloody thumb over the opaque reflection. 

The last memory of her was sobs and screams, her pretty little face swelling as she cried because I told her I didn’t care about her.

And I really didn’t. At the time.

'Did I?'

My thumb slid to unlock the phone, seeking the directory for her name. And there it was, imprinted black on white. Just a name of a girl—a common name even—and yet my throat clenched just from uttering it on silent, chafed lips.

“Don’t do it…” I tried to reason with myself, remembering how she screamed at me that she never wants to see me again. Her eyes were so red I was afraid she'd cry blood and despite it all, she was pretty when she cried. 

“Don’t be that idiot…” I warned myself.

But then the sound of the line ringing filled the room like the guilt that poisoned my heart. 

'What heart?' I chuckled bitterly, my eyes squinting at the brightness of the screen while I stared and waited to hear her voice. “Answer princess, what time is it there anyway? Is it late?” 

“Hello? Who is this…?” 

My entire body stiffened once her voice penetrated my head. Crisp and sharp, buffered by the phone line yet her timbre was soft as always, just the way it was when we used to speak before that when I would call to say goodnight while on a mission. God, I lied to this woman more than I ever lied to anyone else in my entire life. 

I didn’t deserve her, and yet I wanted her too badly.  

“Hello?” she asked again, slightly groggy but not even an inch of agitation.

“Princess…” Finally, I managed to speak.

Silence fell on the other line and then her breath shuddered. She swallowed and exhaled loudly and all I could think of was how much I wanted to touch her face right now. It’s been a year, and yes, I might have been with a dozen other girls, but none of them was my sweet little angel with her tragic, soulful eyes. 

“August…”

After all this time, my name was on those lips again. Instinctively I scoffed on the bed, bliss warm and golden surged through my tendons. She remembered my voice… she didn’t hang up right away. 

“It’s three in the morning.” There was a deep sadness in her voice but no signs of anger, not that I could hear, so I pressed on, letting hope lead me astray. 

“It’s me, yeah. Did I wake you up?”

“Are you drunk?” 

I sniffed my own breath, the sour scent caused me to curl my nose. “No,” I lied. But she wasn’t fooled for a second. Words, as few as they were, slurred and she knew I was too proud to ever call a woman in order to tell her how much I fucking missed her. 

“Are you alone right now?” The thought of someone lying next to her made me clench my jaw. Surely, my heartbeats slowed and like a cougar, I tried to listen to her bedroom to detect any shift of fabric, any weight on the mattress that wasn’t hers.

“Don’t do this,” she deflected, “you left me, remember? You didn’t want a relationship.”

‘I made a mistake, I want you, princess.’ I knew that now more than ever. I wanted to wake up next to her every morning, to have her sleeping on my chest, her little head resting on my pec while I caressed her hair.

Maybe with her, I could be normal. In my mind, I could see it all clearly;  little potted herbs growing on our kitchen’s window ledge, friends coming over for a summer BBQ while I’m flipping burgers and she’s serving rolls in a summer dress. She would roll her eyes at my bad puns while I’ll sneak a cup at that delicious ass.

My sight became even blurrier, and something wet and warm rolled down the corners of my eyes. With a broken voice, I half-whispered, “I miss you…” 

She remained silent, or at least she tried to, but the sound of her little sniffles was noticeable even through the hand that must have covered her mouth.

“Remember Malibu? Remember how I ate you out on the beach, during sunrise? You were so beautiful when you came around my mouth, your body arching on the sand, the first rays of sunlight kissed your nipples and showered your torso with warmth. You told me you could love me forever that day. Do you still feel that way?”

She pulled at her nose and swallowed slowly. I could see those beautiful eyes going glassy and for a moment there, I felt like that jerk again—the jerk that made his beautiful woman cry.

“Do you?” I asked again. 

“Did you just call me to validate yourself?”

Answering a question with a question. Of course, my woman had always been wise. 

“How many others have there been? Is there a list? Are you going through us all right now because you are bored and need to feel like a man?”

A faint grin stretched across my face. There it was, the anger, but it wasn’t because she hated me. No. It meant she still cared and perhaps she was even a little bit jealous if she asked about ‘others’.

“Angel, in all those long, excruciating months there was just you. I only ever wanted you.” 

“August…”

An odd wail came from the other line, cutting her off mid-sentence. Alarmed, she let a sharp gasp and covered the handle to muffle the sounds.

‘Did she get a cat?’ I frowned dumbfounded but briefly the realisation hit and I shot up from the bed, pressing the phone so close to my ear it seared. 

It’s been a year, enough time for...

“Is that…? Is it my ba…”

“I am sorry, I have to go,” she responded in obvious panic. 

“Wait!”

I could hear her rushing out of bed, the rustling of the fabric whooshing while the cries grew louder and ravenous. “Please, August, just go to bed. You will forget all about me in the morning and move on with your life like you always did.” 

The connection was severed as she hung up the phone. The cold, monotonous tune screamed through the device like the life support monitor of a dead man. But at that very moment, my heart was anything but lifeless; it pounded in my chest as if it was beating for the first time in many years. 

Half-sat on the bed, I exhaled with sheer astonishment, my fingers still tingling at the discovery as I held onto the phone. 'You couldn’t let me leave, couldn’t you princess?' She kept a piece of me inside her, a piece that will forever symbolise how much she truly loved me. 

A breathless chuckle left my throat. Fuck, it hurt but I couldn't care less anymore. Amid the blood and crushed bones, hope began to sprout, spreading throughout my chest and bringing life to what used to feel like a graveyard.

After all the years, there was a purpose, and I knew what had to be done. And maybe she'd hate me at first, perhaps she'd resent me for coming back, but now that we were a family, there was no way I was to be denied.

'I’m coming home, baby. Daddy is coming home.’ 

[ryoryeonggu]

THE UMBRELLAS VS THE ORIGINALS

Seven siblings

Worst parent(s) in the world turning children into monsters

Abused, manipulated and traumatized childhood

Dysfunctional dynamic

A bunch of idiots with a worst/chaotic team up ever

Luther Hargreeves / Elijah Mikaelson

Leader of the family

The strongest one

Protective

Honorable aka "thAT'S mURDER" vs"neeeeeklaussss"

Polite and respectful to the elders

Tries to keep his siblings behave then finally gives up in the end

Only wants to protect his family and decides what's best for them but ends up making all bad decisions

Suits (Black suit / Monkey suit)

Diego Hargreeves / Finn Mikaelson

Hero complex

Mommy boy

Easily manipulated

Wants to save people but his strategies always involve violence and murders

Has no clue of wtf is going on

Made fun of him and called him a fool multiple time by his siblings

DILF

“Batman aim lower” vs “Sherlock Holmes after one too many tequilas”

In love with a crazy bad bitch who would fight anyone but them (Sage/Lila)

Allison Hargreeves / Freya Mikaelson

Big sister who takes no shit from anyone

A powerful bad bitch with "i don't give a sh*t" energy

Lost her child

Cares a lot about her siblings but also so done with their stupidity and endless bickerings

Done with everyone in general

Rolls eyes 90% her screen time and shut people's mouth with her power

Would do anything to get what she wants

Has soft spot for his little sister / smol little brother

Klaus Hargreeves / Kol Mikaelson

No one takes him seriously but ends up having all the answers, everyone pls listen to him

"nowhere to be found" but always shows up when needed

Wildest and wisest

Unique power amongst family (seeing ghosts / witch)

Alcoholic and high all the time

Tells the kidnapper "my family don't give a shit about me" while being tortured

A punching bag

Highest death and coming back from the death counts

Deep quotes / nonsense shit / inappropriate jokes

Sexually active

Lives for dramas and chaos

"Disgusting but consistent" aka a sexy trash

Fun uncle

Looks sociable but actually anti-people ("don't touch me" and you can't say Kol didn't accidentally start a cult too then ran away from his worshippers)

Five Hargreeves / Klaus Mikaelson

Psychotic murder

An aggressive sarcastic dramatic bitch

Master of planning

Disappointed at his incompetent siblings all the time

"is it too late to be unadopted" vs "this family makes me want to murder people" - but actually just wants to be with his family and wants them to stay together

"I'm better than all of you" aka "I'm the hybrid" "I'm the DADDY here"

"LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS/USELESS PUKE BAG" and "if you don't do it I will kill you" aka yelling, insulting and threatening are his love languages

Throwing, kicking and screaming aka the stress relievers (note: the stress level is always high)

Teleports out of nowhere and hovers over people like creeps

Everyone want to kill him (including his own family and his brothers's lovers)

Grumpy boomer and anti-people

Anger issues, paranoia and potentially some personality disorders

A romantic when he's in love

Has soft spot for his little sister / smol little brother

Ben Hargreeves / Henrik Mikaelson

DEAD

Sweetest angel who never did anything wrong in his life

Adored by everyone in the family

The family fell apart after he died

Viktor Hargreeves / Rebekah Mikaelson

The baby of the family

Soft, sensitive and emotional

Looks like a cinnamon roll but actually can kill you

Adored by everyone in the family but also was abused, manipulated and lied to all his/her life

Abandonment issues

Stubborn and naive, but grew to be the mature one

Almost got his/her family killed twice but has precious bonds with all siblings

Desperate for love and finding identity

Kissed boy(s) and girl(s) (terrible taste in men)

Note: Finn and Kol could pretty much switch places to each other since they has a lot of similarities - anger issues, trauma from being locked/abandoned in coffins/ graves, being overlooked, underestimated and treated like a fool, dying and coming back to life repeatedly... Kol is also head over heels for a special power girl who had a vendetta against his brother and tried to kill their family. And he also did have a bit of hero complex, given the fact that he died twice for trying to save someone/the world. But I prefer that way because Kol is the one who matches the chaotic energy of Klaus xD

[crowtrobotx]

Let your followers love you and write us a ficlet of Karl trying to get Lottie to eat her least favorite food.

This is my first time posting one of these, pls be gentle lol. But thank you very much for sending this, and thank you for your patience! I am old and always tired. And sorry for any bad/weird formatting, I am having a Boomer Moment™️ on mobile and can’t figure out how to do anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beets Me

Characters: Karl Heisenberg, Original character (daughter)

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None, unless you count swearing and an old man negotiating with a child.

Word count: 1068

Humiliating.

That was the only word that came to mind - Karl Heisenberg was a Lord, a nigh indestructible and powerful demigod who instilled awe and terror in all who stumbled across his path. He could make life from death, had built machines the likes of which no one in world had seen or would ever see again, and for God’s sake he could wield a fucking lightning hammer. He had worked incredibly hard for all of these things, for his reputation, which made the fact that he was currently being bested by his own personal tiny tyrant all the more miserable.

“Lottie,” he called not for the first time, his tone even but with a twinge of desperation. His latest soldat was due to wake up soon, and he preferred to be present lest the stupid things felt the need to have a destructive existential crisis upon realizing they were decidedly not dead anymore. He searched about what passed as the living room, grimacing internally at all of the not-so-childproof items carelessly strewn about.

Is that a rusty bone saw— nope, better not think about it.

He’d already checked all of the kid’s usual hiding places, and it would have been a lie to say there wasn’t a twinge of panic beginning to worm its way up his throat. Most of the horrors that lurked outside and below couldn’t reach her here, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t leave of her own accord - and there was one person he knew he couldn’t stop, not until his army was finished. Not that he trusted a damn thing dearest Mother said, but she’d sworn she wouldn’t take Lottie - she wasn’t a suitable vessel, she’d made that abundantly and infuriatingly clear.

At last, two little grey-blue eyes appeared from beneath a milk crate stashed under one of the many workbenches that littered the factory. Karl quirked a brow, amusement and relief playing on his lips. After a small squeak of alarm, Lottie disappeared just as quickly back into the shadows - as if it would change the fact that she’d been undeniably caught.

Karl snorted, his knees cracking in protest when he begrudgingly knelt to her level. It was fortunate she was cute - the frankly embarrassing amount of shenanigans she got away with made him feel ridiculous. He barely remembered his own father but he knew that he sure as shit wouldn’t have taken this lying down from his own son. Lucky Lottie, he wasn’t his father. He tossed his hat aside and ran a hand through his wiry hair, waiting for her to reappear.

And reappear she did, squishing her nose up against the plastic to get a better view. Stifling a laugh when he saw the rebellious and familiar expression his daughter boasted, Karl knocked politely on the top of the crate. “Anybody home?”

“No.”

“No? Then who’s talkin’?”

A pause. “…Not Lottie, that’s for sure”

Heisenberg sighed, removing his trademark glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Well, Not Lottie, you still have to eat dinner, I’m afraid. I’m running behind already and don’t have time for hide and seek right now.”

The little demon glared out in defiance from the baby jail of her own design. “I hate beets.”

Ah. So she’d seen the cans he’d set on the counter earlier in the day. Observant.

“Yeah, not my favorite either,” he conceded, “but Duke ain’t due back here until tomorrow and it’s dark out. I don’t want to go stomping out there to shake down the village grocer just because you’re being picky.”

Not that he hadn’t been conned into doing that before. Not that there hadn’t been at least three separate occasions where he’d found himself crossing the ancient bridge that separated the Heisenberg Factory from the rest of town and audibly yelled “What the fuck am I doing” to no one in particular. Not that he hadn’t always found it completely worthwhile to see Lottie’s little face light up when he returned with a bag of goodies for the two of them.

“It’s not just beets, y’know,” he attempted to reason with her. “I’m not a monster. There’s some, uh…. Meat of some sort, too.”

Lottie groaned. “But what if the beets touch everything else! They’ll ruin it! Can’t you call the supersized bi—”

“No, absolutely not,” the Lord had never answered a question so quickly in his life. “Although it would be pretty funny to piss her off with a takeout order from those ridiculous kitchens of hers, I think I got on her last mega nerve at the meeting yesterday and she might actually try to kill me this time. Then what’d you do? You might have to live with her. And wear dresses.”

Lottie gasped in horror.

They sat in silence for a moment after, clearly at a standstill. The ambient noises of the factory were much fainter here, amounting to little more than distant humming. Karl could practically hear the gears in that little head of hers overheating while she tried to think of a way out of Beet Hell.

“I’ll tell you what,” he said at last, “you suffer through this hideous torment tonight, and I’ll make it up to you with extra good stuff from the Duke tomorrow. Sound good?” He threw in a good natured wink for added effect.

Lottie drummed her fingers on the floor, her nose scrunching while she considered the offer. “Five donuts this time,” she declared firmly.

“Three,” Karl countered.

“Four.”

“Three and I’ll throw in that new bright ass pink screwdriver you were eyeing last time.”

“Hmm,” Lottie was making an obvious show of trying to sustain the suspense. “I dunno… Maybe… I guess we have a deal.”

“Perfect,” Karl grinned. “I’d shake your hand but you’d have to come out for that.”

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’,” she grumbled, the sounds of shuffling now audible from beneath the crate.

Karl rose with a grunt, satisfied with the negotiations. He returned his shades to their proper place and glanced at the grimy old clock that hung sadly in his makeshift living quarters, relieved to see that he still had plenty of time to feed the little gremlin and get back down into the bowels of the factory.

He hadn’t made it but two steps toward the kitchen when he heard an uncertain voice call out from behind.

“Papa?”

“Yes, princess?”

“I think I’m stuck.”

[bigboobyhalo]

obviously disregard this if you want etc etc you dont need me to tell you. but as someone who fell out of dsmp a while ago but still loves c!sam as a character. can you briefly sum up what happened or at least why it was so terrible?

okay okay let me see if I can try. I couldn’t do it last time cuz I was so pissed off about it and knew that my bias would drag it wayyy down but. well I’m still gonna be really really biased against it cuz it sucked but maybe it will be more coherent ? I’ll probably miss some stuff too cuz I have actually been trying my hardest to NOT remember this stream

basically c!sam and c!philza were friends way back in the day, which is already really confusing and weird and unnecessary and ultimately kind of stupid, and sam showed phil that he made a way to create multiple bodies (yep the alternate bodies lore is the focus here) n that it could maybe be used to cheat death and phil was like “nope. fuck that. death is awesome and I’m not you’re friend anymore” and flew away and then they were never friends again. which like. what was the point ?

then there was a way-too-long recap of the egg lore finale which contained lots of stuff that was completely unnecessary for understanding the events of this stream (honestly this isn’t even crit on the content of the lore itself, it’s just like … we didn’t need it!)

and THEN this is where it gets REALLY BAD. boomer is at his house and then he gets visions of the egg and some frog statues and a castle and he’s so so so scared or something that he runs away and he runs for literal years and years and years and then he reaches the castle from his visions and he goes thru a cave under the tunnel and finds a secret laboratory where sam’s body is floating in a tube and he breaks it and sam is like “ahhh boomer ?? what happened???” and sam slowly starts remembering everything and it turns out that he’s been in that tube for years ever since ponk killed him in the egg finale which means this is a fucking timeskip to YEARS in the future and apparently there’s been a fucking eggpocalypse that we literally don’t get to see or learn anything about and maybe everyone is dead but we don’t fucking know !! absolutely fucking ABYSMAL way to reveal that an eggpocalypse happened it pisses me off sooo much. we had just reached the climax of the crimson storyline. something that has been gradually built up for nearly TWO YEARS NOW. the egg LITERALLY JUST HATCHED. and now we’re skipping SEVERAL YEARS INTO THE FUTURE ?? thru POVs of characters who are now COMPLETELY DETACHED FROM THE EGGPOCALYPSE ITSELF ??? and THAT’S HOW THEY WANNA REVEAL THAT AN EGGPOCALYPSE HAPPENED ????? LIKE ?? HELLOOO ??? THIS SUCKS. IT WASTES ALL OF THAT WONDERFUL CLIMACTIC BUILDUP THAT THE EGG HAD GOING ON. THE EGG FINALE HAD BEEN SO FUCKING GOOD AND THEN THIS SHITSHOW COMES ALONG AND FUCKS IT ALL UP !!!!

and as if it couldn’t get any worse, CC!boomer apparently said that this is actually an alternate timeline and up to interpretation or whatever. which initially sounds like it makes it a lot better because oh well it’s just an alternate timeline it’s not necessarily canon to other storylines but then you realize that these motherfuckers just introduced ALTERNATE GOD DAMN TIMELINES into the ALREADY RIDICULOUSLY COMPLICATED STORY that is the DSMP. like what the actual fuck is WRONG with you ?? also, since the eggpocalypse happening is apparently an “alternate timeline” thing, then it probably won’t happen in the actual canon timeline or whatever the fuck. it’s just completely garbage

some other shit happened after boomer broke sam out of the tube or whatever. they went to a swamp and boomer jumped in a hole or something but I honestly could not even be bothered to care at that point. the best outcome here is that this convoluted, nonsensical garbage gets retconned and no one ever speaks of it again. UGH.

[signorin-anarchia]

Make up title: For Love and Gold

Made up fic title ask game

Holaaa Nada! Thanks for asking 🥰

Ok this was giving me crack vibes since the beginning, and I was wondering if it was just my brain or me loving comedy (not bad for someone who's always written almost exclusively dark!fics).

Then I realized that "For love and gold" is actually the title with which one of my country's most famous comedy is known abroad: "L'armata Brancaleone", literally "Brancaleone Army" lol.

The movie's basically about this unhinged down-at-hell gang accomplishing various ridiculous feats, and if this doesn't give you LCDP vibes, don't know what.

So, basing on my instinct, I'll say:

LCDP, but it's the crackiest enemies to lovers rom-com AU:

Andrés & Martín are both thieves, both masterminds, both the bests in their own fields.

They would make a perfect match... If they weren't the worst rivals in the whole world.

It's not personal, not really, but in the end... It is.

Like the kids they are, they keep stealing one another toys:

Andrés has a plan to rob the Louvre? Martín would figure it out and actually do the thing on his own, just to add an unibrow to the Gioconda and send him a picture in order to give him a stroke.

Martín hacks an online bank security? Andrés would force his assistant Anibal to infiltrate the servers and drain the whole accounts, and then spend the whole pot to book all the tickets for the Engineering Fair.

It may sound hilarious, but Martín isn't having fun at all, so he decides to take totally down his rival by creating the most ambitious and astonishing plan, his poetry, his obra maestra: robbing the Bank of Spain.

But Andrés isn't as stupid as the whole ridiculous cocktail bar scene could tell, and thank to his secret sources (aka: Helsinki with a spyglass), he gains access to Martín's plans.

With the help of his still single - and probably virgin - brother, Andrés is determined to beat Martín to the punch and steal the gold with his own gang, which involves: Anibal, who lives on sending pishing mails to boomers ("pay, or I'll send your wife the video of what you do with your laptop"); Silene, who's the best attraction at funfairs when she does the death roll around a fiery ring riding her motorbike; and Mirko, for no particular reason just like it was for 5 seasons straight.

Martín has on his side Santiago, who needs money to finally pay his vasectomy, Daniel, who currently gets punched in the face for cash by people who need to vent anger, and Agata, because this fic really needs weird debates on sexism during a fucking robbery.

Despite the best conditions (?), Andrés & Martín are soulmates at heart, and unbeknownst to either one, they decide to enter in the bank on the exact same day.

After a kinda-spiderman meme situation, several arguments, various insults about eachother mothers and genital sizes, death threats, and a nervous breakdown (spoiler: Sergio), both sides need to face the hard truth: they're locked in a bank together, police outside is planning to kill them all, and best they can do is to team up.

But Martín is not going to give up his majestic plan because of a dude who uses a fork to eat a cake, so behind the scenes he's planning to give Andrés and his whole gang to the police and escape with the whole gold.

Unfortunately, Sergio - who's falling in love with the charming inspector leading the negotiations - has the very same idea, and while both gangs are forced not to argue to avoid losing face in front of the hostages, they're also secretly planning to betray each other.

If only sudden and frankly disturbing homoerotic feelings weren't popping in Andrés shrunken heart...

May I present you:

"For Love and Gold"

or - the crackiest rom-com you've ever had the displeasure to read.

Written by me for me - and a few other I guess :)

Featuring: a lot of drama, unnecessary slow burn, canon-typical inaccurate descriptions of how a robbery actually works, Martín being Martín, Andrés being Andrés, Arturito being Arturito, mentions of Rafael, gang war, Monica as an hostage again, and Raquel giving relationship advices on the police line.

LOL hope you enjoyed my delusions