#Body and Brain 🧠

[xtruss]

Ultra-Processed Foods Make Us Eat More, and It’s Not About Their Nutritional Makeup

Two Groups of Study Participants were Offered Nutritionally Identical Diets. Those Eating Ultra-Processed Foods Consumed More Calories and Gained Weight.

— By Katherine J. Wu | Published: Thursday May 16, 2019 | NOVA—PBS | Wednesday 22 November 2023

Sweetened breakfast cereals count as ultra-processed foods, which often include additives and ingredients that enhance a product's flavor, texture, or shelf life. Image Credit: Ponce Photography, Pixabay

At the start of his latest clinical trial in 2018, National Institutes of Health researcher Kevin Hall was sure he wouldn’t see a difference.

His study, intended to monitor caloric intake and weight gain, offered its participants one of two nearly identical menus. Both contained the same number of calories, and comparable amounts of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. Even the diets’ fiber, sugar, and sodium contents were matched. Nutrient-wise, they were about as similar as two meal plans could get.

But as the days ticked by, Hall quickly began to see how wrong his initial hunch had been. Despite the superficial similarities, one group was eating much more of the food they were offered. And by the end of two weeks, the members of that same group had gained an average of two pounds, while their counterparts had lost two pounds.

The only explanation was the one factor Hall had thought would have no effect at all: While one menu was made up mostly of whole, unprocessed foods, the other—the one tied to weight gain—was composed almost entirely of ultra-processed foods.

Compared to unprocessed foods like fresh fruits and nuts, ultra-processed foods like cookies and chips tend to have more calories, sugar, fat, and salt, all of which have been linked to putting on weight. But the findings from Hall’s team, published today in the journal Cell Metabolism, are the first to show there’s something inherent to ultra-processed foods, independent of nutritional makeup, that seems to encourage overeating.

“This is really important work,” says Dana Small, a psychologist and neuroscientist studying food choice at Yale University who was not involved in the study. “This study produces a definitive answer to a question we did not have a definitive answer to.”

Though it’s not yet clear why ultra-processed foods have this effect, the results underscore the importance of an issue that goes beyond effective dieting. With their cheapness, convenience, and long shelf life, ultra-processed foods now make up more than half the calories Americans eat. These numbers tick even further upwards for underrepresented minorities, as well as in lower income populations.

“This is not about willpower—we’re living in a manipulated food environment,” says Ashley Gearhardt, a psychologist studying food addiction at the University of Michigan who was not involved in the study. “Ultra-processed foods are unique in ways that we are only just starting to understand.”

The unprocessed and ultra-processed breakfasts (respectively) offered to study participants on Day 4. Left: A spinach, onion, and tomato omelet made with fresh eggs and olive oil, sweet potato hash, and skim milk. Right: Scrambled eggs prepared from liquid, pork sausage, honey buns, and orange juice infused with fiber. Image Credit: Courtesy of Kevin Hall, National Institutes of Health, Hall et al. 2019

Technically, any food that’s been mechanically or chemically altered from its original state can be considered “processed.” That label applies to milk, tofu, frozen spinach, and countless other foods that appear in our diets, and doesn’t automatically designate a product as unhealthy.

Ultra-processed foods, on the other hand, take things one step further by including ingredients that provide cheap, “industrial” sources of dietary energy and nutrients—like added sugars, fats, and chemical preservatives—that enhance an item’s flavor, texture, or shelf life. Some offenders in the ultra-processed arena are familiar, like candy and chicken nuggets; others, like sweetened yogurts, reduced-fat salad dressing (or reduced-fat anything, for that matter), and packaged soup, may be a little more surprising.

For years, scientists have been linking ultra-processed foods to a variety of poor health outcomes, including cancer, obesity, and even an increased risk of death. Most of these studies, however, have been limited to questionnaires and diet records that rely on people to accurately report what they’ve eaten, and can’t establish direct cause and effect.

So Hall and his team decided to do what no other group had done before: Round up 20 people, house them at the National Institutes of Health Clinical Center, and prepare, serve, and track every single morsel of food they ate for a month. Each person was randomly assigned to either an ultra-processed or unprocessed menu for the first two weeks, then switched. Both diets consisted of three meals and a glut of snacks, providing almost 4,000 calories each day, and participants were told to eat as much or as little as they wanted.

The unprocessed and ultra-processed lunches (respectively) offered to study participants on Day 6. Left: Salmon, green beans with olive oil, baked sweet potato, and plain Greek yogurt with frozen strawberries. Right: Burgers with American cheese, fries, ketchup, and diet lemonade infused with fiber. Image Credit: Courtesy of Kevin Hall, National Institutes of Health, Hall et al. 2019

In terms of their nutritional composition, the two diets were equivalent on almost every front, down to the average number of calories per gram of food. But while ultra-processed foods had no part in the unprocessed menu, they contributed more than 80 percent of the calories in the ultra-processed diet.

It took some serious finagling to get the menus to match, while keeping the ratio of carbohydrate to fat to protein within a healthy range, Hall says. The team also had to take great pains to keep the study’s results mum as they unfolded, even outfitting participants in loose-fitting clothing to mask any weight gain or loss.

But the work paid off. In the end, the only real difference between the groups was the proportion of ultra-processed foods in their diets.

“I can’t think of another study that has been this well controlled for so long,” Gearhardt says. “That allows us to make much more confident interpretations of what these foods are really doing.” If Hall and his team saw clear differences in outcome, there would be a pretty clear culprit.

But even Hall was surprised to discover how quickly changes in eating behavior unfolded. When put on the ultra-processed diet, participants started eating an average of 500 extra calories a day, resulting in several people gaining weight and body fat over the two-week stint. The difference had nothing to do with the amount of food they’d been offered, or even how good it tasted (when asked, participants reported the two menus were equally appetizing and satisfying). But the inclusion of ultra-processed food had triggered a subtle, and likely subconscious, shift in behavior.

The study was brief, and there’s no telling if these results will hold true on a longer time scale, says Vasanti Malik, a nutrition researcher at the Harvard School of Public Health who was not involved in the study. To that point, the difference in the number of calories consumed on each diet actually decreased slightly as time went on. But that doesn’t make the upshot any less concerning: Something in this ultra-processed diet was making people eat more, and it didn’t take long to see the effects.

What exactly that something was, though, is still an open question. Finding the answer will require a lot more research, but Hall has a few theories.

Although both diets were similar in energy density, or the number of calories per gram, these calculations also counted drinks, including juices and lemonade that acted as vehicles for fiber supplements in the ultra-processed diet. But beverages may not make people feel full in the same way that solid food does—and when the researchers took liquids out of the equation, the solid foods on the ultra-processed menu packed in more calories per bite. This might have made it easy for people on this diet to scarf down a lot of calories, Hall says.

People also ate much faster when put on the ultra-processed diet, consuming 17 more calories per minute compared to the unprocessed diet. It takes a while for our brains to register the feeling of fullness, and this lag gives our mouths plenty of time to overeat—an easy thing to do with ultra-processed foods, which are often softer and easier to chew and swallow, Hall says.

The researchers are currently gearing up for a repeat study that may put these theories to the test. One critical change will involve revamping the ultra-processed diet to include more stews and gumbos. Hopefully, Hall says, this swap will both dilute the energy density of the solid food portion of the meal and encourage people to eat more slowly.

Plain yogurt is technically a "processed" food, but still healthful. The addition of flavors and sweeteners, however, transforms plain yogurt into an ultra-processed product. Image Credit: Alexialex, iStock

There’s plenty to grapple with, but one needn’t see directly into the belly of the beast to know to avoid its bite. The study’s results are a resounding confirmation of years of nutritional counsel—and if anything, the problem is only getting worse.

As food production becomes increasingly industrialized, ultra-processed foods have taken over the diets of modern Americans. Even when put on diets at two extremes of a spectrum, study participants experienced a bigger change in their hormone levels when shifting to the unprocessed menu, suggesting that their baseline was more aligned with an ultra-processed diet.

That’s not terribly surprising, given that these products tend to be rich in fat and sugars, which set off the brain’s pleasure system, Gearhardt says. Over time, our bodies get used to the reward, and crave it in even higher quantities. This vicious cycle of addiction makes ultra-processed foods a tough habit to break.

But weaning ourselves off ultra-processed foods entirely isn’t a practical goal. The fact remains that ultra-processed foods require less time, money, and effort to purchase and consume—and they’re effectively marketed as such. In the study, the ingredients that went into the unprocessed meal plan cost nearly 50 percent more than those for the ultra-processed menu. Tacking on the hours, skills, equipment, and energy invested in the storage and preparation of perishable whole foods, it’s no wonder ultra-processed foods have become a mealtime fixture over the past 30 years, Hall says.

Whole foods, while healthful, carry a bigger price tag than ultra-processed foods—even before taking into account the added expenses of storing, preparing, and serving them. Image Credit: Vera Petrunina, iStock

What’s more, because cost is such a big incentive, the burden of ultra-processed foods is disproportionately shouldered by people who make less money—those with the fewest means to avoid them. This trend threatens to exacerbate existing health disparities between socioeconomic brackets.

There’s no quick fix to this problem. But the path forward is with studies like these, Small says. By pinpointing the mystery factor in ultra-processed foods—whatever it is that’s causing us to eat more and gain weight—researchers may be able to partner with the food industry to cook up cheap, convenient foods that can still confer some health benefits.

In the end, “just giving people nutrition advice won’t be enough,” Gearhardt says. “We need to advocate for policy initiatives and support people’s needs. This is a social justice issue. And we’re living it right now.”

[carnographix]

Annoyed at my cursed organ (🧠)

[templeofthev01d]

©️ ᐯ丨丂丨ㄥㄩ乂 - 2024

[mistchievous]

Ultimate Ask Game

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[lvndrfucks]

don’t leave me hanging omg, write the concept. miguel brain rot is on 24/7 — 🧠

You were surprised none of Miguel’s neighbors had complained yet. There were teenagers scattered all around the inside of Johnny’s apartment and the outside, loud music blasting and a fair share of drinks being passed around. At least everyone was getting along after the long overdue karate feud.

You were nursing a red solo cup while standing in the corner of the room, taking small sips. The taste of alcohol didn’t really appeal to you. Your friends engaged in chatter that you chimed in once in awhile, but you were a bit distracted.

“Are you going to talk to him or keep eye-fucking?”

“What?” Your eyes moved away from Miguel’s. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You guys have been staring at each other all night,” your friend pointed out. “He’s single, you’re single.” She made gestures with her hands for emphasis.

You shook your head while looking down to hide how red your face had gotten. “He doesn’t like me like that. We’re friends.”

“Lame,” your other friend bursted. “Go talk to him! Congratulate him on winning karate again or something.”

You rolled your eyes while taking a drink to avoid the conversation.

Her friend smirked suddenly with an idea. “Hey, can I borrow your jacket? I’m a little cold.”

You were feeling hot from the crowded room, so you were a little confused on how she was the opposite, but you did so nevertheless. You removed the cropped denim jacket to expose more of the little black dress you had on. You smiled while handing it to her.

Miguel felt his mouth go dry. His eyes scanned up and down your body from afar, the silk perfectly hugging your body and exposing valleys of skin he had never seen before.

A pat on his shoulder made him jump as he was forced to look away.

“Hey, man,” Hawk greeted. He noticed you and looked back at Miguel with a smirk. “You gonna make a move tonight, or what?”

Miguel chuckled nervously and shook his head. “I don’t think she likes me like that. I mean, we’ve been friends since we were both in Cobra Kai. Isn’t that a bit weird?”

Hawk scoffed. “No. That just builds up more chemistry. And pent up frustration.” Miguel looked at him curiously as he clarified. “Sexual frustration.”

“Dude.”

“It’s true! Remember that time you went out with Sam and she nearly broke some kid’s arm. Or when she got asked out and you broke the practice dummy.”

Even though Hawk’s statements were technically true, Miguel still had his doubts. What would a girl like you want with a guy like him?

“You just gotta go for it, man. Before someone else does,” Hawk advised and motioned his head towards Chris and Mitch who had started talking to you. You immediately started smiling and laughing at what they were saying.

Miguel held back a glare as he handed his cup to Hawk. He cheered, “That’s my boy!”

Your laughter died down as Miguel approached the three of you. You smiled at him in greeting that he returned before looking at Chris and Mitch.

“Robby wants you guys to refill the cooler outside,” he told them.

“But I just did five minutes ago,” Mitch said.

“Well, he wants you to do it. Again.”

Miguel was grateful Chris was the smarter one between the two as he was beginning to catch on.

“Yeah, it’s no problem.” There was almost a smug smile on Chris’ face. “Come on, man.” He began dragging Mitch away, the boy complaining that he already did once again.

That just left you and Miguel.

You glanced behind you to see your friends had ran off somewhere, of course. There was a small beat of silence between you two.

“How are you?”

“This is a great party.”

You two spoke at the same time. You both laughed.

“Sorry. You go first,” Miguel insisted.

“I said this is a great party,” you repeated. “I’m surprised your mom was okay with it.”

“Well, Johnny told her that it was just Miyagi-Do and Eagle Fang ‘hanging out.’”

When you were about to respond, someone knocked into you. As you tripped forward slightly, Miguel had his arms out to catch you. You sheepishly apologized while standing straight.

“Um, did you wanna go somewhere less crowded,” he proposed.

You nodded and started following him out. People from school were still showing up and it seemed the outside was becoming just as packed. You maneuvered around while still trying to keep up with Miguel. He turned to face you and offered his hand out so you wouldn’t lose each other. You took it, trying to hide your growing smile.

He guided you across towards his apartment. He opened the door and let you inside first. You were still able to hear the music and chatter of people, but it reduced slightly. Plus, you guys were completely alone now.

“Sorry. I thought it would be better here to talk and stuff. Unless you wanted to go back to the party. I’m fine with either, I just assumed—“

“It’s fine, Miguel,” you cut him off with a light chuckle. “It was getting a little overwhelming out there.” You set your empty cup on the dining table and moved to lean on the edge of the couch.

“C-can I tell you something,” he asked, standing in front of you.

“You can tell me anything.”

Your smile made him weak in the knees. His hands suddenly felt clammy as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

“I…I really like you.”

“I like you too.”

Miguel gulped. “No. I mean I like-like you. Like more than friends type of way.”

“Oh.”

Oh?

“If you don’t feel the same way, it’s fine. I get it. We’ve been friends for a long time and I understand not wanting to ruin that. It’s just that when I’m around you, I feel different. Different like you’re the one person in my life I’d hate to lose or I wouldn’t mind kissing. You know, that was probably a really weird thing to say. I’m sorry—“

“Miguel.” You laughed a bit. “It’s okay. I like-like you too.”

“Really,” he breathed out in disbelief.

You nodded. “And you’re the person I wouldn’t mind kissing either.”

Your hands reached forward to grasp his flannel and pull him closer towards you. The heels gave you an advantage to be nearly face to face with him. The close proximity made you both nervous, but someone had to make the first move.

Meeting halfway, Miguel’s lips pressed against yours in a savory kiss. His hands rested on his either side of your neck, his thumbs on the underside of your jaw and pulling you in even closer. You pulled away briefly, seeing his heart-shaped pupils and puffed lips parted. He pulled you back in with urgency.

There was only the heat of the moment, the electricity between you two, and the pure, unbridled passion of your kiss. It was a moment you would remember forever, a moment that would stay with you long after the kiss had ended.

The buzz of Miguel’s phone brought you back to Earth. He seemed to have no intention of stopping, though.

You pulled away, his lips immediately attaching to the side of your neck. “Do you wanna get that,” you asked, slightly breathless.

“Not really,” Miguel answered and kissed you again.

His phone eventually stopped until whoever was calling decided to call again. You laughed slightly at Miguel’s annoyance when he pulled away.

“It’s okay,” you reassured, one of your hands combing through his hair.

Miguel begrudgingly answered the phone with a haughty, “What?”

“Dude, where are you,” Hawk asked from the other line.

“I’m a little busy right now.” Miguel pinched your hip lightly in warning as you continued sucking on the skin of his neck.

“Well, I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I need a beer pong partner.”

“Ask Robby.” Your hand began to trail down his body.

“I’m going against him, dumbass.”

He held back a groan when you squeezed his hard on over his jeans. “I gotta go.”

“But—“

Miguel hung up and tossed his phone on the couch. You yelped in surprise when he lifted you, your legs wrapping around his waist in response.

Once in his room, he had shut the door swiftly with his foot. Next thing you knew, you were lying back on the bed with Miguel hovering over you, leaving wet kisses and sucking on your exposed chest. One of your hands was threaded in his hair as the other tightly gripped the comforter. His hand slowly trailed up your thigh, giving a soft squeeze and earning a low moan from you.

Miguel pushed the bottom of your dress up to your stomach, exposing the black shorts underneath. He looked at you as you were panting already from the build up.

"You okay," he whispered.

"Of course."

He pecked your lips before going down on his knees at the edge of the bed. He ran his hands over your thighs, placing light kisses ever so often. Eventually, he hooked his fingers onto the waistband of your shorts and pulled them off, leaving just your underwear.

Miguel was hesitant at first as he ran his thumb over the wet patch, but you moaned softly from above as you tried closing your legs if he wasn't in the way. He repeated the motion with more pressure, causing you to jolt. He enjoyed the reactions.

He gently guided your underwear over your hips and slid them out from under you. A soft gasp emitted as you felt Miguel slip his tongue between your lips. Your mind went blank as he licked, his tongue spreading over your clit in smooth strokes. His open mouth panted heavy, moist breaths over your cunt, absorbing every drop of essence as it pooled on his tongue.

Your fingers tugged on his hair, your back arching off the bed slightly. You could feel a growing sensation low in your stomach, your orgasm twisting and winding into a tight knot.

A sudden gasp fell from your lips as he slowly pushed a finger inside of you. You inhaled sharply, eyes rolling back as he pushed his pointer finger in knuckle by knuckle until he rubbed the tip of his finger against that tougher spot inside of you.

His finger slipped in and out a few times until he added a second. It made you choke, walls clamping down and tightening painfully, tears pricking your eyes in a mix of pain and pleasure. Miguel kept them still as he leaned forward to press soft kisses on your clit.

“You're doing so good, baby. I just need to relax, okay?"

You nodded, even though you were sure he couldn't see it. You exhaled loudly, gasping just as loud before groaning and bucking your hips unconsciously. He resumed pushing in and out, his fingers shined with arousal.

You could feel every inch of his fingers inside as his mouth continued to stay hot and slick against your cunt, letting his spit collect all around. Your eyes rolled back when your stomach began twisting, feeling as though something was on your chest. You whimpered, followed by a groan of his name as your body relaxed once the knot snapped, and your vision blurred.

Miguel lapped up the mess and licked his fingers clean, watching the way your chest rose and fell rapidly. You looked utterly fucked the way your hair was sprawled out and little breaths leaving your plump lips, your head tilted to the side and eyes still shut.

He moved beside you and kissed your temple, combing your hair back. “You still got one more left for me?”

With shining eyes, you looked up at him and nodded.

Miguel grinned as he started to remove his flannel and shirt. Your thighs rubbed together while staring at him undo his jeans. You shakily stood on your knees and shuffled closer to him.

He gave you a tender, slow kiss, but you weren’t ready for such gentleness at this point in time. Instead, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer to you. A low groan released from his throat as his hands moved from your hips to the zipper of your dress. You pulled away to disregard the rest of your clothing before pulling Miguel onto the bed.

He sat back as you straddled him, lips moving together once more. Reaching between the two of you, you grabbed his leaking cock so you could set him up at your entrance. As you lowered yourself, you inhaled slowly through your nose since the preparation and care he had given you had made the stretch easy to endure. As a result, all you felt was the full sensation he had given you.

You performed an exploratory hip roll once you were seated completely. You let out a groan at the feeling, every little motion causing electricity to tingle through your body.

Miguel sat up, you two now chest to chest while he held you firmly. “Fuck, you feel fucking amazing.” He placed wet kisses along your chest.

The noises of the party drowned out his moans as you began to ride him in earnest. His hands settled on your hips, causing the soft flesh to crease as he started responding to your thrusts with his own. You could feel him moving deeper with every motion, until eventually you could almost feel him in your stomach.

“Miguel,” you gasped out, meeting his gaze.

“I’ve got you, amor.” His mouth attached to one of your breasts, making you whimper.

His actions left your limbs feeling like rubber while he proceeded to fuck into you harder. Your tongue grazed his flushed skin, your head tucked into his neck.

“Making me feel so good,” you told him gently in his ear. “Want you to finish in me. Want all of you.”

Your babbling was cut off by a higher pitched moan at Miguel’s hard thrusts, your words egging him on more.

“Think you can take it all, baby?” His forehead pressed against yours as you nodded with a pleading look. “I’ll give you everything. Again. Again. And again.” He punctuated with each thrust, your grip on his shoulders tightening. “You gonna cum? Can feel it.”

“Please.”

Your loud moans echoed throughout the room as your legs tightened around his, your body moving faster to keep you on your high. You could feel Miguel spilling out of you, the warm feeling comforting the both of you. His arms wrapped around your waist to cease your shudders as he placed light kisses upon your shoulder.

Miguel, though he didn’t want to, slowly removed himself from you, a small whimper slipping past your lips. He laid you down on his bed and told he’d be right back. When he returned, he had a damp washcloth in one hand and a water bottle in the other. He carefully cleaned you up, knowing your legs must be sore, and sat you up to take a few sips of water.

He smiled gently at you and kissed your forehead, making your face flush in admiration. He grabbed an extra t-shirt for you and changed into a pair of new boxers for himself. Once settled beside you, Miguel draped the comforter over both of your bodies.

You both stared at each other, a grin on your lips as you leaned forward for one last kiss in the night.

hera speaks!

sorry for the long wait. i honestly get embarrassed writing smut, but this has been on my mind for a long time

[zvdvdlvr]

— I Love You

— 🧠 synopsis. A tough case leaves you in the more than willing arms of SSA Aaron Hotchner.

— 🧠 word count. 2,409

— 🧠 warnings. Foul language. Idiots to lovers. Friends to lovers. Weird plot. Possible jealous!Hotch.

Maybe it was the children that hadn’t been saved in time. Maybe it was the pitying glances from not only the team, but the police officers. Maybe, even, it was the way Aaron’s eyes flitted away any time y/n looked up. 

No, y/n was mad. Angry, spiteful, defiant- any other synonyms for angry. The fact that the unsub had been completely fooled by y/n’s act until he had promptly decided he didn’t believe y/n’s promise to help in any way she could to lower his prison sentence. That’s the thing with schizophrenics: they’re extremely paranoid.

Y/n was so infuriated, she refused to talk- a habit that she had learned from childhood. If she didn’t say anything, she couldn’t get in trouble. It was a bad habit that y/n had eventually stopped by the time she went to college because the anger she kept inside of her without any kind of release would always find a way to rot her from the inside out. 

So now, even on the flight home, y/n still hasn’t said more than two sentences in a row.

— 🧠

Aaron Hotchner was a man with excellent observation skills and the ability to adapt. He knew y/n’s habit of reserving herself to silence due to the amount of time they have worked together, but Aaron felt like something was different this time.

Instead of starting the pile of paperwork he already had, Aaron instead found himself watching y/n. She was always extremely sensitive to cases that dealt with kids, but this seem to hit home, adding to the fact that their unsub had blown his brains out within a five foot radius of y/n and the seven-year-old girl that had been the last victim. 

When the team had gotten to the scene, they watched the little girl dissolve into y/n’s arms, brain matter and blood on the latter’s face. The look in y/n’s eyes when Derek had immediately rushed to the two of them was one of complete despair. Aaron watched, paralyzed, as you picked up the little girl and let her scream and wail near your ringing ears. You turned, pressing her head down so she wouldn’t look at the dead body and look Aaron dead in the eyes and took the child to the ambulance.

Something in your eyes had provoked worry in Aaron. Did you feel guilty? Were you not allowing yourself to break down when you needed to be strong for the little soul in your arms? Was there something you were trying to tell him?

“Hey,” Hotch murmured. He sat down as carefully as he could (which wasn’t too impressive seeing as it was 1 in the morning on a plane).

When you didn’t say anything, Hotch sighed. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I need you to know you did what you had to do. What he did… that wasn’t on you, y/n.”

Then you looked up at him with tears in your eyes and Aaron felt his heart sink. “Oh, honey…” he whispered. 

And then you were in his arms, crying, while trying not to wake up the others. “Hotch, I-“ you started, sniffling. 

“I’m here, sweetheart,” Aaron all but cooed, lightly carding his fingers through your hair. He knew you blamed yourself because that’s how you are. You always strive to do the best you possibly could, oftentimes resorting to neglecting yourself whenever you did something that you knew you could have done better or simply because you forgot. 

“It’s all my fault, Aaron, I- I could have saved him but- I… I messed up and I- I don’t even know what I did! And that little girl…” you trailed off, another wave of tears threatening to overtake your ability to speak. 

Aaron’s throat bobbed as he struggled to find the words to comfort the woman in his arms. Long ago had he resigned to simply being y/n’s boss/borderline friend because he accepted the fact that- as much as he hated to admit it- he was older, not your type, or just simply unattractive. But he would do theoretically anything you asked him to do even if it caused him heartbreak in the future.

“You saved that little girl, angel. *You* did. If you save one of them, you save all of them. Focus on the good, honey, not the bad. If you can do that then you can do anything, and believe me,” Aaron smiled, “I have no doubt in my mind you can do anything.” 

Aaron held you and prayed to God that you didn’t hear how fast his heart was racing. He brushed your tears away and let you sleep on his shoulder, happy that he had hopefully gotten you out of your funk.

— 🧠

Later, Aaron woke up to Derek tapping his shoulder. “Do you want me to take our golden girl home?” Derek asked, with a softness to his voice that he had whenever he talked to you. 

Blinking away the tiredness from his eyes, Aaron shook his head. “No. No, I got her. Tjank you, Derek, but you need to go home and get some rest.” 

Derek nodded. “Get home safe,” he said to Hotch, a small smile in his face when he heard you sigh a little in you sleep and bury your head even further into Aaron’s neck.

Derek patted Aaron’s shoulder before taking his leave.

“Wake up, y/n,” Aaron murmured, heart swelling in his chest when he heard you mumble incoherent words.

Slinging his own go-bag and yours over his shoulders, Hotch helped you stand up.

“Hotch, lemme take my-“ you started, being cut off with a yawn.

“I got it, y/n,” Aaron chuckled. He let you slip your arm in his and all but lean on him as he made his way to his car. 

When he got you settled into the passage seat, Aaron tossed the bags in the back and started the drive to your house. 

“Aaron?” You asked, voice small.

He looked over at you. Despite the lack of light, Aaron watched you pick at your fingers. “Yeah?”

It took you a minute before saying something. You wanted to ask him why he kept calling you ‘honey’ and ‘sweetheart’. It’s not that you didn’t like it (you loved it), you just don’t think he could keep calling you that if he didn’t have any kind of attraction to you. You, though, you’ve been enamored with Aaron Hotchner since the day he shook your hand and offered you a job. 

Similarly, you wanted to ask him what he did when he got lost in his own mind; when he himself couldn’t pull himself out of his thoughts. 

So you settled on a breathless “Thank you”. 

Silence reigned once more as Aaron tried to pick out the meaning of your thanks. Where you thanking him for driving you home? For letting you fall asleep on him? For… being one of the best friends you’d ever had in your life without saying it?

When Aaron carried your bag to the door as you unlocked the it, he wondered if there was another universe where he was taking you home every night, going to bed with you, waking up to Jack begging for pancakes with you, dropping Jack off at school with you, and then going to work with you. Maybe, Aaron thought, somewhere in another universe I’m watching the woman I love fall asleep with my child in her arms. 

“Do you… need anything else?” Aaron asked, holding out y/n’s go-bag for her to take. 

Aaron kicked himself. He felt like a school boy whenever you’re around, and the fact that he’s standing in front of you and your home isn’t really helping his nerves.

“Would you maybe want to, uh… stay? For tonight?” Y/n blurted. Aaron’s eyes must have widened because he saw y/n become flustered. “I- you know, just for tonight. I need a ride to work tomorrow anyway… You- You might as well just stay.”

“If you want me to-“

“Please?” 

Aaron stepped into y/n’s house and immediately toed off his shoes. “Where do you want me to put this?” 

“I’ll take it.” She accepted the bag and walked to her room.

Aaron walked around the kitchen. Your house was clean and colorful. You had quite a few photos of the sunset framed by your television, but there were a lot more candid shots of the BAU then of your family. Hm.

“Come here, A,” you called from your room (?).

Dutifully, Aaron followed the sound of your voice, pushing your door open slowly and entering your room. Where you sleep. Where you get dressed and undressed. Where you live.

You walked over to Aaron and handed him a little pile of clothes. “These should fit. I guessed your size. If those don’t fit I have more men’s clothes.” 

“Why do you have men’s clothing?” Aaron asked, a smile toying at his lips. 

“Brothers, boyfriends… they’re comfy,” y/n shrugged. “Does it matter, Aaron?” 

Aaron watched you tilt your head, smirk widening. 

“Just curious.” He defends himself poorly, red tinging his cheeks as he scratches his head.

“Bathroom’s right in there,” you say, pointing to the door attached to your room. 

Aarom walks to your bathroom and shuts the door. He immediately releases a breath of air he hadn’t realize he had been holding. After turning on the lights, he changes into the clothes you gave him. Both owns smelled exactly like you, something that made Aaron smile.

He shut off the light and closed the door. “Thank you, y/n. I appreciate it.”

You looked up from your dresser. “You’d do the same for me. There’s nothing to thank me, Aaron.”

“What are you doing?” Aaron asked, approaching your figure. 

“I don’t think you would want to see me walk around in just a bra and boxers, A,” y/n laughs. 

The bluntness of your answers smacks Aaron in the face with a metal bar. “Boxers?” He finds himself asking.

You just laugh. “They’re comfortable.” 

“You don’t have to change your sleeping routine for me,” Aaron says quietly, eyes looking directly into your own.

“Are you sure?” 

“We’re just sleeping,” Aaron shrugs. “So there’s nothing to worry about.”

Your eyes flicker between your boss’s and suddenly your wondering how you got here. The line between boss/employee and more-than-friends/not-quite-dating was blurred and you didn’t even remember putting your thumb on how you felt about your boss.

“Okay,” you say slowly. You close the drawer, holding a sports bra and boxers. “I’m gonna go change and go to sleep… Do you want me to set up the couch or just sleep in the bed with me?” 

“What do you want, y/n?”

You direct your gaze to the floor. “I don’t care, honestly.” You weren’t just gonna tell your crush you feel safer when his touch is what lulls you to sleep, that you’ve been in love with him since practically the beginning of time, that you wanted more than just a night (of PG activities!) with him.

“I hear your brain going 200 miles an hour over there, sweetheart. What’re you thinking?” Aaron teases.

“Will you hold me, Aaron?” You ask, urging yourself to look into his eyes. Moment of truth, you think, he’s either gonna laugh in my face or I’m gonna fall even deeper in love with my boss as we cuddle.

Aaron feels winded at your tiny voice. Yes, he wants to scream, yes! “Go get changed, honey. I’ll be right here.” 

Then that smile is back and all Aaron wants to do his pick you up in his arms and kiss you, maybe spin you around the room. His heart swells in his chest again (it’s been doing that a lot lately, he notes) as you pat his arm in thanks as you pass him to head to your bathroom.

Aaron climbs into your bed, setting his essentials (badge, keys, gun, etc.,) on the nightstand. 

You flip off the light switch and pad over to the bed and slip under the covers. 

For what felt like a millennium, Aaron held his breath and waited. 

“Aaron, I have to tell you something. It’s been on my mind and… just hear me out. Please. You don’t have to say anything back and I understand if-“ you babble.

“Take a breath, y/n,” Aaron soothes. “What’s up?”

“I’m in love with you, Aaron Benjamin Hotchner. Like, if I had to choose between you over breathing I would literally spend my last breath telling you how much I love you. You are always on my mind, Aaron, and it hurts because I can’t do anything about it. I know I’m not your type, I know I’m just your co-worker, I know you probably aren’t looking to date anyone, but I just… I want you to know,” you ramble, words tumbling out of your mouth like Reid when he get’s started on some random fact. 

Aaron blinks, pupils widening. “Do you seriously think you’re ‘just a co-worker’ to me?” 

You swallow. “Yeah?”

“Do you think I would let just anyone call me Aaron? How often to you see me taking out Morgan for coffee when he gets cranky? Do I almost always end up sitting by Emily on the flight home after a case? Do I call Spencer ‘sweetheart’ and ‘honey’?” Aaron asks quietly, hand resting on your cheek while he tucks a loc of hair under your ear so he can see your eyes better. “Jack loves you. I love you.” Aaron laughs at how comically large your eyes get.

“Jack loves me?” You ask.

Aaron laughs. “He loves you ‘to the moon and back’.” 

“He loves that book, Aaron, don’t laugh at your baby boy,” you scold playfully.

“I outdo him though, because I love you to Saturn and back.”

You turn to the nightstand and shut the light off before turning back to face Aaron. “Will you hold me, Aaron? Please?” 

“C’mere, sweetheart,” Aaron says, opening his arms to welcome you into him. 

And then that’s when you know his words are true. His heart rate  is definitely elevated, but so is yours. “Will you tell me you love me, again?”

Aaron, now lying on his back with you clinging onto him like a weighted blanket, complied. Carding his fingers through her hair, Aaron lulled her mind off to a quiet, safe place. “I love you, angel,” Aaron whispered, pressing a soft kiss to y/n’s forhead.

[runninriot]

Wiggly 🧠🪱 Wednesday

thank you @just-my-latest-hyperfixation for the tag! 🖤

today's brain worms are brought to you by one of the steddie smutty september prompts 😏

i'm thinking about Eddie who lost a bet to his boyfriend and is now getting ready to pay up. Or at least he's trying to. Because he's still not sure he can really pull it off.

He keeps turning from left to right, sceptically looking at his reflection in the mirror.

God, he looks ridiculous, doesn't he. This stuff isn't made for him. It's for people with less boney asses. People with more meat on them and with defined muscles they can show off. Pretty people, whose perfect bodies would shine covered in black lace.

Eddie just looks... wrong. Like he's trying to be something he's not.

The dainty floral pattern is a harsh contrast to the crooked lines adorning his skin - too soft, too delicate, enhancing all his little flaws and blemishes rather than fulfilling the purpose of making him feel good. That's why people usually choose to wear these things, right? To feel hot and pretty and confident.

Well. He definitely doesn't.

At least Steve will get a good laugh out if it. That's probably why he thought of the punishment in the first place. Not necessarily to make fun of Eddie, he's not that mean. But- whatever.

A bet is a bet, and he lost, so he'll suck it up and get it over with.

He's got a one-man-crowd waiting for him in the bedroom and the sooner he gets what he wants, the sooner Eddie can get out of this fucking lingerie.

Meanwhile, Steve's buzzing with anticipation. He's been sitting on the bed for what feels like hours, waiting for Eddie to finally come out of the bathroom.

He's been dreaming about this forever, literally. It's a secret fantasy he's had ever since Eddie and him started dating, since they started exploring each other's bodies in the most intimate ways.

To see Eddie's perfect body covered in lacy lingerie, to let his fingers dance over the soft fabric, gently caressing what's underneath, mouthing at his cock through his panties just to tease, just rile him up - God, what a vision. What a thought. And soon, so soon, it'll become reality.

Steve's hard just from imagining it. Can barely keep his hands to himself at the dirty thoughts looping in his mind.

He needs to see it. Needs Eddie to come out right now or he'll combust.

And then, finally, Eddie does. Slowly opens the bedroom door before he hesitantly steps in. And he's even more beautiful than Steve could ever have imagined.

Standing there, all shy and pretty, with his cheeks tinted pink and his arms crossed before his chest, looking so... so perfect.

   "Fuck," is all Steve can get out. Too stunned, too lost in the vision his boyfriend is.

    "It's okay, Steve. You can laugh. I know I look stupid."

Suddenly, Steve notices that what he thought was Eddie just being a bit shy is actually him being uncomfortable. That the way he tries to hide his body behind his own arms is not him acting coy, it's him being ashamed.

    Oh, hell no.

That just won't do. That's not at all what Steve had intended.

Luckily, he knows just how to turn this around.

(i'll stop right here before it gets even more out of hand 😅 to be continued)

no pressure, all love @novemberthorne @morningberriesao3 @pennyplainknits @steddieas-shegoes @matchingbatbites

@ataliagold @wynnyfryd @queenie-ofthe-void @stevesbipanic @steddiecameraroll

[skelliko]

Hi Skelle! ☆ How r you? I hope you have a nice day/night! 🫶🏼 I want to request something.. my request is can you make like a full (not a mandatory) headcanons of how the guys will act if they have a crush on someone? Like how they behaviour will change, how they first meet the reader immediately think “yep, she’s the one”, where, and overall how sappy they can get when they have a crush 🥹 i would like them with baji, kazutora, chifuyu and haitani brothers.

Feel free to ignore this if you feel this is too much cause I don’t wanna stress your cute 🧠💐🎀🩷 brain 🧠💐🎀🩷

Lmao

a/n: hope this is okay, sorry for the wait. i didn't intend to make these all be in a school setting, I had tried to do some in a workplace but It's all I could think off without making it basic 😕

★-Tokyo revengers

๑-context: first interaction + how they act/feel with a crush

๑-featuring: Baji, kazutora, chifuyu, ran, rindou

°- kazutora hanemiya

-- kazutora was forced to stay behind the classroom to finish his work that he hasn't done, the teacher was sat in front of her desk doing whatever a teacher does there while everyone else but him exit out the room. however when you were on your way out you slickly slid a small, folded up piece of paper on the side of kazutora's desk which certainly didn't go unnoticed by him.

-- his eyes went right at you and watched as you walked away almost expecting you to look back at him but you didn't. to then occasionally glance at the teacher to make sure that she doesn't look up as his hand slides towards the note to carefully and quietly open it up. anything could have been written on the note but since he was so focused to not get caught his mind was blank and didn't assume anything right away.

-- the piece of paper held all the answers to the worksheet that he was supposed to complete. to avoid any suspicions from the teacher he immediately placed it flat on the desk underneath his palm to collect himself and not get too ahead of himself, I mean what if the answers are incorrect and your setting him up for longer detention? eventually he risked it and wrote down all the answers that you had given him and handed in his work. and sure enough you become a life saver there, he was able to get out of there quicker than he first anticipated.

-- eventually he came up to you "hey, thanks for the... you know. but why'd you give me 3 incorrect answers? thought you were supposed to be smart" he said it in a almost teasing way, not upset at all about the incorrect answers. but you replied with "because no one would believe you to get them all correct without being forced to do them again" and that right there is the moment that he realised what kind of smart and mischievous person you are, enough that you've captivated his thoughts for the rest of the day and onwards.

• normally he'd get pissed off when forced to stay behind in class, but now, his mind is flooded with you that he's getting stayed back more and more just so that your hand can brush over his desk and give a semi warm piece of paper that you've held safely in your palm on the way to his desk to get him out of a situation that he put himself in, it almost feels like holding your hand. are you aware of what he's doing? probably, but that won't stop him. he also keeps all the pieces of paper even tho they serve no purpose, but knowing that you were the one that gave it to him changes the perspective of those little scraps.

• he has a major urge to be around you, he's craving your presence and voice and he always feels some sort of ache is in body from just thinking about seeing you once the weekend has passed. also the same thing goes for craving your physical touch such as a tight hug or maybe even a scalp massage but he knows that won't happen any time soon but the crave is still there, it's like a maladaptive daydream.

• he also looks at you different compared to others, with you it seems like kazu is looking at an angle with gorgeous white wings and a stunning outfit, whereas with others it seems like their just ants. big difference there.

-- sure you've been in his class for a while but that was the first time you've actually interacted with each other, other than a quick eye contact from looking around the room. there's always that one classmate that you haven't talked to but once you do it changes so much more than you first intended.

• he feels his emotions to a certain extreme level and cause of this he tries to hide it as much as he can otherwise he grows too expressive without realising it. and that can easily make his feelings seem obvious if not tamed correctly. he tries to act casual despite his stomach is turned into a butterfly sanctuary, his palms are grown sweaty, and his breath is held in to get rid of the feeling of jumping about and smiling like a complete idiot. mentally hes turned into a little kid with red cheeks just because his crush smiled at him, someone give the kid an ice pop otherwise he'll overheat. no seriously he's burning up like a fever just being near you.

°- Keisuke baji

-- Baji was getting into some sort of escalating argument after school had ended, him and two guys were getting a little rowdy but because of Baji being in his nerdy disguise at the time he couldn't risk in making a scene

-- but then that's when you butt in and stand by Baji's side. it was certainly a shock to suddenly see you appear beside him and hear you verbalise your opinion and defend him like that against these two delinquents even though he could have easily defended himself despite the circumstances, he could have walked away and led them somewhere else but no, you brought yourself into the bickering before he could act on it

-- Baji was gonna speak up to cut you off and try and get you away from the slight hazardous situation but you certainly had a lot to say and that just caused him to keep quiet. were you not scared? if you weren't for yourself then he was surely scared for you. he wasn't mad at you for getting involved, instead he somewhat gained respect for you and he had to hold back in smiling.

-- though he obviously couldn't let the situation keep going so he had to quickly drop the whole argument by speaking over you and basically drag you away by your sleeve gently. his feelings didn't grow immediately right there and then but they did develop quickly over a short period of time.

• thinking of you? his cheeks are sore and he brings a hand up to his mouth to suppress it and as if to hide it even though there's no one around to hide his smile from. he doesn't know why he does that but he just does.

• if someone were to be told that baji giggles when you message him they wouldn't believe it, that whole image for them is nonexistent when it comes to Baji, wouldn't even consider it. but this man really does, he tries to stifle them and keep a calm exposure however when he's laying down on his bed he has a wide smile plastered stupidly on his face and when he feels an excited, giddy feeling he can't help but feel a small laugh escape. when he tries to hold them back it almost feels like his chest is being tightened. your suffocation him without even being there, imagine a potential news title 'baji Keisuke suffocated due to feeling giddy about a crush'

• not much of an artist, can only actually draw simple outlines of certain objects such as pain flowers or stick men, but that doesn't stop him from picking up a pen or pencil and start to doodle, nor does it stop him to have your features flash in his mind and him draw you as a stick figure or even a wobbly blob. he sometimes zones out in class when doodling and when he catches himself in drawing you he quickly scribbles it out before anyone or you sees.

°- chifuyu matsuno

-- its raining outside on a school day and you don't have an umbrella nor a hood to cover yourself so due to that you chose to stay behind in your empty classroom to wait out the rain just so you don't get soaked. you chose to stay behind and do something captivating that it even caused you to lose track of time, luckily Chifuyu walked past your classroom and saw you there, it's at least a few hours past school hours (don't ask what he's still doing here)

-- he curiously came up to you and mentioned it however even after those few hours the rain hadn't left and it was still pouring the same weight as it had at the start, and due to the sudden passed time you had no choice to head home even if it means getting drenched. but upon chifuyu hearing your reasoning, there was no way he was gonna leave you walking out in the cold rain while he had a perfectly good umbrella, even if he wanted to leave he just couldn't bring himself to.

-- so he did the first thing that came to mind and that was to try and offer his umbrella to you. at first it seemed convenient for you but then the thought of him going out in the rain with nothing bothered you, so obviously you declined. bit of "no it's fine" here and there but after some of those you both came to an agreement to share it.

-- halfway through with you both walking underneath the same umbrella and chatting away to avoid the awkward silence he walked you home without you realising, he had to turn a corner ages ago but willingly chose to stay with you since you both were having an interesting conversation. and sure enough, thump-thump-thump his heart is racing, ever since then you've been on his mind.

• he feels so much about you, butterflies in his stomach and the need to move around because if hes sat still he'd probably snap in half from the excitement that he can't handle when the thought of you appears. he can explode from the overjoy of interacting with you as if it's a rare thing to happen even though it really isn't, you're just that special. he definitely jumps around and about in his room and punches the air silently whilst trying not to cause too much noise. making a whole new cardio work out.

• whenever he's reading his manga and romance comes in he can't help but picture the two characters to be you and chifuyu. he flicks his eyes between the two characters repeatedly even if he's been on the same page for 5mins, he'd still play out the scenario of them being you two. I mean that whole first encounter almost seemed too cliché to not have come straight out of a movie with unrealistic standards. but no, it all really did happened which causes his mind to go in places that you two are almost casted together and made to talk, as if the universe is setting you both up.

• passing your classroom at any chance he gets just to try and get a glimpse at you but while doing so his heart paces like hes just ran a marathon, he hasn't even seen you yet but the anticipation is killing him. and even when it rains on school days again hes not heading straight home but instead he's making his way to your class to see if you're there again waiting for the rain to leave, always hopeful and wishing that you're empty handed without an umbrella or a hood.

°- ran haitani

-- your in an empty room scribbling something in a sketchbook, using both hard and light pencil strokes. doesn't bother ran at all that you're here doing your own little thing but what actually does is that you're sat in his usual seat. normally he wouldn't try to intervene, especially if it's something this petty plus he wasn't all that desperate to stay here for long but even then, he still walked up to you.

-- first instinct that you had when hearing his footsteps was to close your sketchbook shut before looking up, clearly you don't want no one seeing your personal work/drawings. this little thing perked ran's interest, he doesn't know much about art in the form of paper and pencil, but he's still intrigued as to why you chose to hide it that it made him forget about his petty emotion of you sitting in his seat.

-- in short term, he ended up seeing a few of your pages and the reason for it is cause you despise your own work, despite continuing drawing in your own time you seem to always criticise yourself and think harshly on them. but in his eyes he can't help but be in awe of them, he cant understand what's so bad about the drawings. next thing you know he's asking for a drawing of himself, you didn't seem too bothered by the idea as you were about your skill wondering if you could even pull it off but ran managed to convince you.

-- sitting in a chair in front of you as a muse, meeting eye contact as you looked at his features repeatedly to get the right shape of his eyes, nose and lips. him purposely moving a little to see if you'd say something about it and trying to peek over your sketchbook book to see your progress only for you to move it away out of embarrassment. it took a short while but finally seeing himself on a page in dark grey lead made him feel something, not necessarily a major attraction but appreciation even tho he's the one that pressed on the idea.

-- and that's when the butterflies hit, it's a major delayed reaction but the giddy feeling hit after being the muse and grasping the fact that you were able to draw him this well from you analysing his features, something about this made him more seen than he already is. maybe a confidence boost? who knows, even he himself can't figure it out exactly other than feeling warm from the inside out about you.

• no matter how hard he tries to relax around you he always feels blood rushing in his body making him become tense whenever you two have an interaction as small as just saying hi to each other, and once you both pass he sighs out air as if you've caught his breath and didn't let go, though he also ends up smiling after that sigh but it's more or less a mix of a nervous and happy smile, one that makes you to be unsure if you're supposed to be excited or scared.

• i reckon hes a yapper once he gets comfortable enough, anything that comes to mind he can talk and talk about it with you like his life depends on it, but once he's finished speaking he only then realises the things he's said and regrets it all even if the topics he's talked about aren't all that bad but he still gets embarrassed of himself for letting himself get carried away like that to the point where afterwards he speaks in a much shallower tone "...I don't know why I said that, ignore that" it's kinda cute tho.

• you got him twisting and turning, losing focus in certain activities and even his sight of where he's going. at some point he was walking but his eye view was so focused on you that he ended up walking into the metal, water foundation and he had to embarrassingly play it off hoping that no one had seen the doofus walk right into it as his head was turned 80° in your direction.

°- rindou haitani

-- you and him happen to share the same taste in music and favour the same band/Artist, he knew this by overhearing a conversation you had with someone and that made him perk up a little but not enough for him to engage in the conversation. he'd silently listen in to hear what your favourite song is and guess if your a hardcore fan or just a regular

-- despite rindou not being the one to come forward about the mutual interest that you both have, it was you that needed up going up to him after hearing his music escape though his earphones from how loud he set the volume to be. sure he was a little embarrassed after you mentioned it but once you both started talking about the band, something had opened him up as you talked about it with enthusiasm while he was agreeing with everything that you were saying and adding his own little comments, you were both constantly on the same page.

-- hes gained a small interest in you but not enough to catch feelings and be attached, there's plenty of people with the same interest as him and even though he can't find many it doesn't mean that you should be on top of the list. yet.

-- those previous, tamed feelings were immediately thrown out the window after hearing you sing his favourite song when you thought you were alone, he didn't mean to intrude but when he quietly walked in a room to get something he ended up hearing your voice singing along to a favoured song, you immediately became his favourite cover. your tune and enthusiasm had him captivated and stuck. he didn't get the item but instead but he stood outside of the door listening until you stopped.

• when you suddenly appear and make yourself known he gets a little spooked and drops whatever he was holding in his hands (mainly depends on what the item is, as in if it's not fragile and just a pen) its the type of scare that makes his mind go 'oh shit they're here, act cool, act cool' you can just walk into the room and when Rindou looks up to see you its like his whole body does a nervous shut down for a split second. he's normally not like that at all so when that became a common occurrence he swore he was starting to become insane.

• only you're allowed to touch his glasses or gloves or in fact anything that belongs to rindou. sure his brother is an exception but that's to be expected. if anyone else tried to touch his stuff he'd more than just swat their hand away like an annoying pest, but with you? he feels warm and giddy about you picking his glasses up and trying them on yourself, heat rushes up to his face but he always tries to act cool and casual. he just can't shake the thought that you've worn his glasses that he's wearing right now, it almost feels like getting a high five from your favourite celebrity.

• anyone would probably assume Rindou to be a little heartless from him occasionally being nonchalant around others and sure that's true enough but with you? he's flustered, cannot specify enough of it, poor man can't even go a day without his lungs constantly shifting in volume from the way you get him so nervous. he's even grown to stutter a little, not a whole lot but enough for it to be noticed once in a while and each time he looks back on the sentences he's said he always cringes at himself.

 ♡----

[peggyao3]

Relic - Pt. 7 "The Iceberg"

PAIRING: Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen x Unnamed Ambiguous FMC

SUMMARY: ✧ Dreams are messages from the deep ✧ A woman from the unknown comes to Feyd in his dreams and his nights become his days as he flees to the dreamscape to escape the nightmares that haunt his waking hours.

TAGS: 18+, smut, she/her AFAB FMC, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, oral sex, Porn with Plot, Feyd-Rautha's black cum, Feyd-Rautha's big cock, Praise Kink, Body Worship, angst/hurt and comfort, drama, fluff, Frank Herbert would frown, some politics, implied/referenced (child) abuse ❗, Trauma, mentions of suicidal thoughts ❗, Healing, Strangers to Lovers, falling in love, Vulnerable!Feyd, Emotional!Feyd, Possessive!Feyd, Feyd is a sweet baby who did nothing wrong and I WILL pamper him, nurture not nature, Stockholm Syndrome but in a consensual way, lucid dreaming, implied/referenced cannibalism ❗, implied/referenced murder

WORD COUNT: 3.7k

A/N: I had to use my entire brain cell to write this one 🧠 Hope you're ready for some ✨LORE✨

Reposted from my Ao3 💕| Masterlist | Relic Masterlist

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

← Previous Chapter, Next Chapter →

Giedi Prime, Day 1, later

This shouldn't feel so awkward.

Two hours after her arrival, Feyd and her are still in her room, seated on the couch. The cushions are wrapped in squeaky leather and her gown is too tight at the waist. She yearns for trousers and a shirt but doesn't dare open her coffer and change into her old sleeper clothes, because should she ask Feyd to turn around? Or simply undress?

The room with its black within black interior strangely reminds her of an insect burrow, molded out of plastic.

They've had a meal delivered to them half an hour ago by female helpers (slaves) without a personality and the empty plates are stacked on the coffee table. It had been nice while they were eating, giving them both something to do with no pressure to think of topics.

What would she even ask him? So, what was it like growing up on this planet I've never heard about? What do you even do here and please tell me anything about your culture, because I have no idea?

What would he even ask her? So, what was it like on old Earth, your old home that's lost forever? What kind of horrible war was that that made you flee to space and how exactly did you end up with the Bene Gesserit and survive for 24,000 years?

It's astounding how they've spent half a year together in their dreams and loved each other, yet managed to avoid anything that might give away their identity, hiding dirty secrets from each other.

Whenever she looks at him, new heat rises to her chest and her heart hammers like crazy. It obscenely feels like meeting your long distance boyfriend in person for the first time and the person you've known so well is suddenly a familiar stranger.

Every once in a while, Feyd takes a deep breath, head twitching forwards to close the distance between them and kiss her on her sweet lips, but the longer he waits, the greater the force that holds him back. She seems different, frightened and overwhelmed and like half of her mind is someplace else when he should be the center of her attention right now.

Every once in a while, she glances at Feyd's hands longingly, imagining to just reach out and hold them, but the longer she waits, the more difficult it becomes. He seems different, reserved and anxious, like he's weighing every word and action ten times before executing it.

There is also, naturally, a bed in her room and its mere presence has been making her flustered and nervous. They've both been looking at it in secret this entire afternoon and pointedly acting like it isn't there, pretending not to think about how they've already touched and explored each other everywhere. And yet they haven't. Not really.

She takes a deep breath, striking up a conversation. "What was that creature in the corner of the audience chamber?"

"Oh. That was my uncle's pet." Feyd's tone is apologetic. "I'm sorry you had to see that. Did it scare you? It's not dangerous."

"Didn't you say you… Killed it?"

"That's a longer story, I'm afraid." A muscle in Feyd's jaw twitches with a thousand thoughts and stories untold.

"But you did kill a pet of your uncle?" Horrified, she thinks, what if we did not actually have the same dreams? What if this reality is not quite like it should be?

But Feyd calms that worry quickly. "Oh yes, I did. More than once." 

Shouldn't he have said 'more than one'? 

"That's the joy of having a genetically engineered pet," he says without a trace of joy.

"Is that what Tleilaxu-fashioned means?"

"Yes." Feyd tilts his head curiously. "Aren't you horrified at all?"

"We did have a fair bit of genetic engineering at home, though that's not exactly my field of expertise." She briefly looks over her shoulder to where her cryo pod lies. The rectangle of sun has moved a fair bit. "But I've never seen anything like that creature."

The fact that Old Earth was capable of biological engineering is astounding to Feyd, but she keeps looking so longingly at the bulky, coffin-shaped thing and he fails not to become jealous of the inanimate object.

"What's up with that thing?" Feyd finally asks, finding a bit of his bravery and scooting closer to her. Her head snaps back to him, finding him less far away than he was before and her gaze drops to his lips and the tempting curve of his cupid's bow. Her breath hitches.

"It's just…" She takes an even deeper breath, perhaps her deepest one yet. Feyd watches her mouth as she speaks. "Would you help me with something?"

"Of course," he frowns. "Anything."

She hesitates for a moment and then bravely slips her fingers into his hand. "Are you… as afraid of technology as everyone here?"

"No," Feyd declares immediately, despite not being sure if that is actually the truth. But he wants to be his woman's confidant, more than anything.

"Okay, then…" She stands and tugs on his hand. Feyd follows her obediently towards the vessel which had preserved her for 24,000 years and released her unharmed. She kneels down in front of it and so does Feyd, warily. The stiff military uniform he still wears is uncomfortable at the knees.

She prompts: "Could you please shave my hair just over the ear right here? I'd do it myself but it's a tricky spot. I can't see it properly. Just a small stripe." She indicates with her fingers over her right ear. Feyd had expected many things, but not this. She bends to her little coffer and unclasps it. "There should be a multi-tool with a blade somewhere in here- Oh!"

Feyd has whipped his kukri from the holster under his jacket, presenting it with the sharp tip pointing upwards. One pale, blue eye regards her proudly from behind the curved blade that had been polished and whetted in the morning.

"That w-works too." She offers the side of her head to him, trembling when long fingers brush tenderly over her scalp, sectioning the area she had asked him to shave. He finds the hair in that area to be shorter than the remaining hair.

Her Feyd will be careful and not cut her. She suppresses the shiver that runs down her spine and into her core, nervous like it's the first time he's touching her. Silver glints at the corner of her eye and the whirring sound of strands being cut so close to her ear is momentarily louder than her heartbeat. Severed hair pelts softly on her shoulder.

Meanwhile, she deftly twists the cuboid capsule attached to her necklace and a tiny mechanism sussurates. The capsule comes apart and reveals a slim, shiny plate.

"What's that?" Feyd murmurs, brushing the pad of his thumb softly across a tiny slit he's found beneath the millimeter of hair that's still left.

"My port."

Jittery, she brings her hand up, shooing Feyd's away so she can trace the slit. Feyd notices her undone capsule pendant and the tiny rectangle in her hand.

"And what's that?"

"My chip. I had to take it out for the cryogenic sleep." She frowns, fingering around the area some more. "The port is overgrown. We had to have it sealed to protect the electronics."

"Are you a computer?"

She bursts out laughing so brightly that Feyd can't help but grin and his cheeks do the thing that they haven't done in so long.

"Oh dear, no! Where and when I'm from, everyone had one of these. You're technically only half a human without it. I've felt so naked…" She looks at him earnestly. "Could you cut it open for me, please?"

Feyd nods slowly, lifting the blade. The invitation to cut her elicits a twitch of his groins. He hasn't felt anything like his in so long, no enticing spark, not even when he tried to touch himself... His woman trusts him, so he will trust her chip.

She flinches when the blade tip comes close. "A-Are you sure you don't want to have the multi-tool for that?"

"Yes, I'm sure." Feyd moves closer, nose only centimeters away from her head. The pointy tip of his kukri tickles her scalp. "You need to keep still."

"I know, I'm just- Agh!" She flinches again.

"I haven't even cut you yet." He tries once more.

"Ouch! I'm sorry, I can't control it." Feyd nearly cuts where he isn't supposed to cut.

"Stop jerking around, my darling!" He determinedly reaches around her head with his free hand, stabilizing her and utilizing the fact that she's momentarily dumbstruck by the nickname, finally uttered in reality. She hisses when the blade precisely penetrates her scalp, just one millimeter deep. The skin is thin and bleeds only a little. Feyd is tempted to rasp his tongue over the cut and suckle her blood off the electronics inside, but he withdraws.

"And this is… safe?"

"Yes, don't worry. Most people don't remove their chips for several years, so the port has to be cut open when they need a replacement." 

Her face is so full of elation when she lifts the chip and slots it into the port that Feyd can't help but hold his breath, excited with her. His hand slides around her back, coming to rest on the crook of her arm. He scans her for change, unsure what to expect. Perhaps the soul of a machine flickering to life in her eyes, but she remains entirely the same.

Only her face brightens like she's seen paradise.

A virtual interface flickers into existence in front of her eyes, looking at the cryo pod. The world used to be so full of these interfaces, but now she looks into an electronic void that makes her feel lonely and empty. It's just her and the pod. The only surviving  human and piece of technology from Earth.

"What, what is it?" Feyd urges, scanning her face alertly.

"I used to communicate with the world with this," she murmurs. "Now there is… Nothing. I can only communicate with my sarcophagus."

"So, it's a transmitter?"

"It's a transmitter and so much more. With a  little bit of fiddling, perhaps I could link myself up to your satellites someday. This chip used to give me access to everything. Communication, information, entertainment, data processing, calculations. It's all virtually displayed in front of my own eyes. I can read, watch films, work... It has an in-built hard-drive, so not all is lost, at least." A piece of home. 

"So, you're no computer, but that chip is?"

She weighs her words, head swaying left and right. "It is a small computer, if you will, but it has nothing on the processing power of-"

"That's heresy," Feyd hisses, moving right in front of her face. She notices the tight set of his jaws but also the glint of temptation in his eyes, scanning her like she's a sweet poison apple.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"I won't. It'll be our secret. I swear it on my honor." She knows so many secrets of his, he will keep all of hers in a silver cage in his chest, twice locked. Feyd reaches for her face, softly grazing his fingertips against her jaw, but her gaze is faraway, drifting downwards diagonally.

The messages folder in the lower right corner of the interface taunts her with the promise of memories. Messages received from friends and family, the echo of her old life. Suffocating sorrow threatens to overwhelm her when she realizes this folder will never blink again with new messages and the contacts of loved ones in there are nothing but husks of the past.

"What do you see there?"

"Nothing," she replies earnestly. "Just memories."

"Look at me…" She follows the prompt of his soft voice. "What does it say when you look at me?"

"Hmm." Shyly, she focuses her attention on Feyd's face, lifting her hand and splaying her fingers across his soft cheek. Immediately, his lids drop halfway and she feels the weight of his head against her hand, relaxed. "First of all, nothing, because you don't have a chip." The tip of her index finger rubs over the smooth skin above his ear.

With the electric current of a thought skipping across neurons, she selects an application from the vast array. "But it has a tool that allows me to scan the environment. It's helpful for identifying flora and fauna."

"So, what sort of fauna am I?" Feyd mumbles, cheek still against her palm. A half-transparent box flickers to life in the virtual space above his head. 

"Human," she declares and smiles. "See, no fucking Bene Gesserit torture test required to find that out."

That causes Feyd to stir and he snatches her wrist with one hand and cups her face with the other, pulling their foreheads close. "They tested you?!"

"You know about the tests? Are they… A common thing?" Her heart pounds loudly in her chest.

"I don't know how common. But they tested me too, last week. Said I couldn't have you unless I passed the test." 

For a brief moment she catches herself wishing Feyd had plunged his daunting blade into the Bene Gesserit sister after the test. Feyd seems quite content with the vitriolic expression in her eyes, exhaling softly against her mouth, lashes half-lowered. His heart pounds quickly and he wonders if this is the right time to sleep with his woman and cover every inch of her body with himself, explore her real flesh until every square inch of her is covered with his handprints.

"Why are we sitting on the floor in front of this pod, my darling?"

"Because now that I've got my chip, I can finally get my things."

Feyd regrets that he said anything, because now she pulls away, attention diverted to the metal behemoth of a coffin. "What about your-?" He points towards the small coffer.

"Only odds and ends in there. My old cryo suit, the multi tool, couple of necessities the sisterhood gave to me. You know, a toothbrush and such," she rambles while establishing the personal area network between herself and the sarcophagus. The batteries have been holding up well for 24,000 years in space. She must have grazed the gravitational periphery of multiple suns which have fed energy into the cryo pod's solar panels. The pod was at 20% when she exited it on Wallach IX, puking and shivering after being woken. In Giedi Prime's unforgiving sun, it has already climbed up to 50% within a few hours.

The tethering is complete and the CryoSysTM system (evil tongues will say it pronounces like crisis) immediately recognizes her chip and her as the occupant of this pod and a rank 3 member of the International Spacing Cooperation of Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia, America and Luna, short ISCO.

On the virtual interface, she enters the passcode which she remembers by heart and completes the triplicate identification process by pressing her thumb on one of the four, small scanner panels.

Welcome, Astronaut M2-84.

Feyd flinches when the sarcophagus buzzes to life with a heavy, electronic sound and a segment in its lower half clicks open along what he had thought welt joints so far.

The relic reaches into cargo compartment 2 which had obediently opened upon her command. Feyd squints his eyes, frowning at the strange item she removes. A fuzzy thing with plump arms and legs which she squeezes against her chest. 

Is it delusional to think it still smells of home? But somehow it does and she can't help the tears that burn in her eyes.

"What is that?" Feyd tries to pry the thing out of her arms, but she fiercely resists.

"That's mine!" She flinches away, then adds more softly: "That's my stuffed animal."

"Oh. Ah. What can it do?"

"Nothing." She looks up with surprise and Feyd's eyes widen a smidge. "Have you never had one?"

Feyd thinks: Maybe. But he says: "This must be something we don't have anymore… nowadays."

"Hmmph." She highly doubts that. But she can imagine a childhood on this planet must be extremely different. "Well, it's mine and it's very personal to me, so please don't do anything that would damage it or I'll never forgive you."

"Okay!" Feyd reassures her quickly, taken aback. Her voice sounds so tearful all of a sudden and it puzzles him that one can be so attached to an object. It almost makes him jealous. Not directly of the stuffed animal, but of the fact that there was happiness in her old home. Happiness acquired through soft and useless things. How badly he wants that. But he doesn't even dare request a softer blanket for his room. Perhaps if she asked for him, he could have one…

Feyd will not touch the stuffed animal, even though it looks very soft. He touches his woman's back instead, sliding his arm around her so she leans against his side.

"Thank God I placed him in the high-security compartment." She looks at the fuzzy thing. "And my diary. The Bene Gesserit put my pod through its paces, but couldn't get past the outer shell." She taps the slit above her ear. 

If Feyd had such emotional objects, he'd keep them in the high-security compartment as well. Which is why the security for the palace has been doubled and the guards for this corridor alone tripled since her arrival.

"So, what would you have done if the witches had found and touched your little… friend there?" He grins, face conspiratorially close to hers, hoping to see maybe a sliver of that pretty violence again.

"That's not the problem," she shakes her head, squishing the plushie in her hands. Her heart pitter-patters from the closeness of Feyd's mouth near her cheek.

"Obviously, I don't only keep useless items in here." The look she gives him then is sly and Feyd's hairless brows shoot up. "I stopped asking for my necklace when I realized that computers are… Demonized. These pods were meant to preserve my people on our way from Earth deeper into the solar system, letting us sleep in a frozen slumber to skip the time. But each pod is also a fully equipped emergency capsule with all the necessities one might need as a stranded astronaut on a foreign world."

"Astronaut," he repeats the word uttered in a foreign language which sounds ancient to him. "How many like you were there?"

"We were twelve ships, 100 sleeping astronauts aboard each, all headed  to new worlds. Mine was the Magellan II, headed to Mars. Do your aircrafts have names?" Feyd shakes his head. "Ah, well. Traditions do change within 24,000 years I suppose."

"So, you left Earth to colonize the solar system, is that what you were trying to tell me on our last night?"

"That's right." She shivers at the memory. Her family and colleagues hadn't understood why she was crying so hard the whole morning before climbing into her sarcophagus to sleep. "I wasn't sure if I could dream in cryo sleep. The journey to Mars would have taken three years." Pleadingly, she turns to Feyd, startled by his proximity. "And how could I have told you I was leaving when you were doomed to die on earth? The program was scorned by the public, they said we're worse than terrorists."

So, she did leave him deliberately, Feyd notes almost matter-of-factly. But he isn't hurt, because her departure is the cause for his woman being here and he can convince her of his love every day for the rest of their lives, so that if the opportunity arises to leave him again, she will choose to stay with him.

A suspicious thought overcomes her. "I dreamed of you the months leading up to our departure. When did you dream of us?" He looks exactly like in the dreams, only a bit more tense around the edges. And no scar on his neck.

"The dreams stopped two years ago. And until one week ago, I had no idea if I'd ever see you again." He exhales deeply, eyes flitting across her face.

A frown spreads across her forehead. "Two years ago, the Bene Gesserit thawed me after receiving my cryo pod from the Guild. So, you've been dreaming while I was… asleep."

How odd. The timing seems to make little sense.

Feyd can see it in her eyes, how intrigued she is, already trying to understand and unravel the mysteries like back then. But Feyd has bigger concerns and looks only at her lips.

"And why are you here with me now, and not on Mars, 24000 years ago?"

"That's what I've been dying to find out."

Again, she pulls away from him before he can kiss her and Feyd silently curses himself. A muscle across his jaw tenses. It bugs him that he can't see what she can see, makes him feel excluded. Her eyes dart about, then squint as if she's reading. Feyd manages to keep quiet for a minute.

"What?" He eventually snaps, staring at her from the side.

"Well…" Her voice sounds small and disappointed. "It's what I expected. An emergency protocol released my pod after critical hull damage." 

Pensively, she kneads her own palms, staring at the virtual interface. Perhaps the others are still out there. Perhaps by some miracle they have survived the cryogenic sleep for much longer than what should be possible as well, and the folder in the corner of her interface will someday blink again.

The truth is, death has most certainly found everyone she's loved, embraced them with silent arms in their sarcophagi, cells turned to ice and withered away in the cold, endless night of the universe. A lonely and peaceful death, much more peaceful than the life that awaits her.

It was the program she was a part of that sparked the human advance into the universe. And she lives to see its terrible fruit.

"Why were you on that pod?" Feyd murmurs from the side. "What made you so special?"

Finally, she turns her head to face him again. "Because I helped build them."

"You?" A subtle frown crinkles the milky skin between his brows.

"Oh, yes. Where I'm from, women aren't just slaves. I'm a trained engineer."

And as the smart ship grew In stature, grace, and hue, In shadowy silent distance grew the Iceberg too. - The Convergence of the Twain by Thomas Hardy

A/N: Yes, hello, I'd like to have one helping of Neuralink meets Cyberpunk 2077. To everyone who's not a trained engineer, myself included: We've got this! And also: Who is the ship and who is the iceberg here? 🤭

TAG LIST:

@nostalgichoya, @forgedfromthestars, @sweetiee-o, @missbingu, @charmingballoon,

@minedofmoria, @flower-frog, @welliah, @coastalcowgirl35, @sebastianswallows

Do let me know if you'd like me to tag you for this series or for Feyd fics in general 🫶

[xtruss]

Cannabis Doesn’t Enhance Performance. So Why Is It Banned In Elite Sports?

Here’s how cannabis use became prohibited—and the science of its biological, psychological, and social effects.

— By Kara Norton | Published: Tuesday November 9, 2021 | NOVA — PBS

The cannabis plant contains over 400 chemicals, including the cannabinoids tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the primary psychoactive compound, and cannabidiol (CBD). Image Credit: NOVA/GBH

At the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan, snowboarding made its debut as an Olympic sport. No longer relegated to the fringes, snowboarders took to the snow-capped peaks of Mount Yakebitai, and 26-year-old Canadian Ross Rebagliati rose to global fame. But shortly after he won gold in the giant slalom event, a drug test revealed 17.8 nanograms per milliliter of THC, the psychoactive compound in cannabis, in Rebagliati’s system, which he still attributes to secondhand smoke.

“Cannabis back then was seen as being for losers and lazy stoners,” Rebagliati told The New York Times. “The big corporate sponsors didn’t want to sponsor me. I became a source of entertainment, a joke. I went from hero to zero overnight.”

Rebagliati was initially stripped of his medal, but because cannabis had not been officially banned by the International Olympic Committee (IOC), he was ultimately able to keep the gold. Two months after his failed drug test, the IOC officially banned cannabis due to its illicit status as a social drug.

The Politicization of Pot

As the war on drugs was waged on America’s streets, it was also playing out in sports arenas around the world. “We had to draw a lesson from Nagano,” IOC Director General Francois Carrard told the Associated Press in 1998. “The IOC wants to take a stand against a social drug."

Prince Alexandre de Merode, chairman of the IOC medical commission at the time, added that cannabis should be banned even though it does not act as a performance-enhancer like steroids.

Roger Pielke Jr., an expert in sports governance and a professor of environmental studies at the University of Colorado Boulder, claims that “the deeper reality was that the Clinton administration’s focus on anti-doping regulations helped serve its domestic policy agenda, which was focused on waging a war on drugs.”

In 1998, the United States pledged an unprecedented $1 million to assist the IOC in its mission to eradicate drugs from elite sports. Barry McCaffrey, director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, was adamant that recreational drugs such as cannabis should be just as much of a priority for the international sports community as performance-enhancing drugs.

“We raise Olympic athletes up on international pedestals for all the world’s children to look up to as role models—it is vital that the message they send is drug-free,” McCaffrey wrote in a 10-page memo to the IOC. “The goal of this whole effort must be to prevent Olympic medals and the Olympic movement from being tarnished by drugs.”

Snowboarder Ross Rebagliati at the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan, where he won gold for Canada in the men's giant slalom. Image Credit: Mark Sandten, Bongarts, Getty Images

According to Pielke, Rebagliati’s case gave the U.S. government the leverage it needed to lobby U.S. anti-doping leaders to include marijuana on the World Anti-Doping Agency’s (WADA) Prohibited List.

WADA was established in 1999 through a collective initiative led by the IOC, and maintains the World Anti-Doping Code and prohibited list. Its key role is to standardize anti-doping regulations globally for Olympic sports. Director McCaffrey led the U.S. delegation at the first official meeting of WADA, after which “WADA looked far more like the institution the United States and its other international partners called for, than the original IOC-formed WADA” according to a report from the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) on the agency’s actions and accomplishments from 1993-2000. The United States is also the largest individual contributor to WADA, which receives half of its funding from the IOC, and half from governments around the world. In 2020, the U.S. pledged over $2.7 million of the $37.4 million WADA budget.

Despite the U.S. government’s stance on social drugs, the ONDCP acknowledged that the athletic community itself was less concerned about cannabis than about performance-enhancing substances, like anabolic steroids, which can promote tissue growth and muscle generation and shorten recovery time after a workout.

“In the course of our efforts to put in place an IOC ban on marijuana, athletes and sports officials at all levels—ranging from Olympians to high school coaches to youth athletes—informed ONDCP that they felt that the more urgent drug threat within the sports world was the use of performance enhancing drugs,” the ONDCP report stated. These concerns, the report notes, were “scientifically grounded” by the results of the 1999 Monitoring the Future survey, which concluded that youth steroid use increased roughly 50% over the prior year’s study.

Why Is Cannabis Banned?

According to WADA, any substance may be included on its prohibited list if it meets two of three criteria: it has the potential to be performance enhancing, it poses a potential or actual health risk to the athlete, or it violates the “spirit of the sport.”

WADA did not respond to questions from NOVA about the prohibited list or cannabis’s status on the list. But several recent studies investigate whether cannabis has performance-enhancing qualities in athletic competition. A 2020 literature review by researchers not associated with WADA concluded, “there appears to be no reason based on current data to believe that cannabis has any significant ergogenic [performance-enhancing] effect.” An independent 2021 review echoed that conclusion, saying cannabis “does not act as a sport performance enhancing agent as raised by popular beliefs.”

“In no circumstances is (cannabis) ever a performance enhancing substance. It is a net negative in terms of athletic ability and performance,” says Jeff Anderson, a professor of radiology and imaging sciences at the University of Utah who studies how the brain responds to compounds found in cannabis. “On the whole, people under the influence of THC are not able to perform as well on cognitive tests, they have slowed reaction times, decreased executive function, decreased attention.”

Two decades after WADA banned cannabis, U.S. track and field sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson delivered a show-stopping performance at the Olympic trials, followed by an emotional interview in which she said she learned the week before that her birth mother had died. However, Richardson’s dreams of competing at the (delayed) 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo were dashed when she tested positive for THC, renewing a discussion about cannabis’s impact on performance.

Since cannabis was banned, the public perception and legal landscape surrounding its use have changed greatly. While cannabis is illegal at a federal level, medical cannabis is legal in 37 states, and cannabidiol (CBD)—reportedly used by 1 in 7 Americans—is no longer prohibited by WADA. In the court of public opinion, where Rebagliati once found infamy, Richardson found support, and her case left many questioning the science behind cannabis’s prohibited status.

“Drug testing is yet another tool of the drug war, and it’s a failure,” Kassandra Frederique, executive director of the Drug Policy Alliance, said in a statement. “Sha’Carri’s suspension serves as a cautionary tale and a reminder of how insidious the drug war is in our everyday lives, far beyond the carceral state.”

Sha'Carri Richardson looks on after winning the women's 100 meter final at the U.S. Olympic Track & Field Team Trials on June 19, 2021 in Eugene, Oregon. Image Credit: Patrick Smith, Getty Images

Cannabis In The Body

Under the guidelines outlined by WADA, “all natural and synthetic cannabinoids that mimic the effects of THC are prohibited, however CBD is not prohibited.”

A cannabinoid is a compound that—no matter the source—interacts with cannabinoid receptors, which are found in nearly every organ in the human body. THC, for example, affects cannabis users by binding to cannabinoid receptors in and outside the brain, causing cells to behave differently. (The receptors also bind with the body’s natural cannabis-like chemicals, called endocannabinoids.)

Since the 1998 Winter Olympics, the THC metabolite limit for Olympic athletes has been raised from 15 nanograms per milliliter to 180, purportedly to only detect in-competition use of cannabis. However, the length of time cannabis will stay in a person’s system depends on frequency of use and the amount consumed.

This has to do with the way cannabis is metabolized. When smoked, ingested, or otherwise consumed, cannabinoids are absorbed and retained in many parts of the body, particularly fatty tissue. Eventually, the THC byproducts are released and excreted through urine. However, daily consumers of cannabis accumulate THC faster than it can be removed from the body, reports Lia Tabackman for Insider Health.

“Urine testing is one of the most common drug testing methods,” notes Tabackman. It is also widely used in elite sports.

According to a 2008 report on drug screening in the journal Mayo Clinic Proceedings, cannabis can be detected in urine for up to three days after a single use. For moderate users (4 times per week), cannabis can still be detected 5 to 7 days after last use. And in heavy daily smokers, it can be detected in urine for up to 30 days or more after they stop.

But when it comes to quantifying behavioral impairment while using cannabis, a National Institute of Justice study led by researchers from RTI International found that measuring THC levels in blood, urine, and oral fluid were not reliable indicators of marijuana intoxication, regardless of how the cannabis was consumed.

“Drug testing does nothing to show current impairment,” Frederique said in a statement. The [United States Anti-Doping Agency] must undo this archaic, inhumane, and unscientific policy.”

"An Actual or Potential Health Risk"

In addition to prohibiting it, WADA considers THC a substance of abuse, meaning it is “frequently abused in society outside the context of sport.” Cocaine, heroin, and MDMA (ecstasy) are also on this list.

Some mental health experts have expressed concern over the development of cannabis use disorders, which may lead to increased anxiety or depressive disorders.

“I'm among the group that wishes to see cannabis remain on the prohibited list,” says David McDuff, an addiction, trauma, and sports psychiatrist who has served on the IOC's Consensus Panel on Mental Health in Elite Athletes.

When McDuff was working at University of Maryland College Park, he says he was shocked by the level of mental health symptoms and disorders within the college athlete population, and that the number of athletes using cannabis on a regular basis jumped across a number of sports.

“I was referred to the substance misuse cases and many of them had comorbid anxiety or depressive disorders along with their cannabis use disorder,” says McDuff. “As a clinician, I can't help but tie its use to reduced performance academically and athletically.”

Other experts say that while the risk of cannabis abuse is real, it is unfair to not apply the same standards to alcohol, which was no longer prohibited as of 2018.

“Alcohol is something that’s far riskier than cannabis use for health, in terms of morbidity and mortality,” Angela Bryan, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of Colorado Boulder, told Scientific American. “I think [cannabis] should be treated like other drugs that people use for various reasons—alcohol, caffeine, nicotine. It should be regulated, but I don’t think it should be banned.”

McDuff points out that if cannabis is considered a substance of abuse, alcohol should be as well. “Alcohol use would surely violate all three of WADA's criteria.”

In September, WADA announced that it is reviewing cannabis’s status as a prohibited substance, but that it will remain prohibited in competition through 2022. The announcement followed a summer of negative media attention and criticism following Richardson’s suspension.

In response to a request from lawmakers to revisit its policies on cannabis, WADA pointed out that historically, the U.S. has been “one of the most vocal and strong advocates for including cannabinoids on the Prohibited List.”

“WADA has, for more than two decades, faithfully and obediently followed U.S. demands to assist in supporting its domestic drug policy agenda,” says Pielke, “only now to find itself subject to criticism from U.S. policymakers.”

[queers-gambit]

Bullet Train masterlist

requesting rules and masterlist

requests are OPEN where to watch: Netflix, Hulu, Disney+

Perpetual L's and Overwhelming Dubs

slutty stranger bathroom sex on a train.

word count: 3.7k+

🍒 author's favorite 🧸 mild fluff 🥰 romance 💦 smut 🔥 NSFW 🙊 general language warning

read here

part two:Shower Shenanigans

midnight callers turn your quiet night upside down, but at least it ends with you riding your stranger in the shower.

word count: 4.7k+

🙊 general language and content warning 💦 smut ❤️‍🩹 literal hurt and comfort (i guess?) 🥰 romance 😵‍💫 wonky brain goes wonky 🩸 depiction of injury and blood

read here

Love What You've Done with the Place

he's never been a man built for relationships, until you come into his life. now, the house feels like a home.

title citation: song by Rascal Flatts

word count: 1.8k+

🙊 general language warning 🔏 NOT edited 🧸 fluff 🥰 romance

read here

Blue Bunny

you and the Twins show up to collect the same debt.

word count: 4.4k+

🍒 author's favorite 💸 technically Mafia AU 💍 kinda established relationship 🥰 romance  🎭 drama 🎀 Daddy's Girl trope 🙊 general language and content warning 🥊 depiction of physical violence and / or aggression 🍑 character with given nickname [ Bunny ] 🩸 depiction of injury and blood ☠️ depiction of MINOR character deaths 🔫 handguns 💛 requires maturity and caution

read here

part two:My Date With the President's Daughter

your father finds out about Tangerine in the worst way during a charity gala before marauders try to rob it.

word count: 6.3k+

💸 Mafia AU 🎭 drama 💔 light angst 🥰 romance ❤️‍🩹 hurt and comfort 💦 limited, interrupted smut 🔥 NSFW 💍 established relationship 🎀 Daddy's Girl trope 🙊 general language and content warning ☠️ depiction of MINOR character death and other dead bodies 🥊 depiction of physical violence and / or aggression 🥂 alcohol consumption 🔏 barely edited ✝️ Lord's name in vain 🩸 depiction of injury and blood 🔫 guns 💛 requires maturity and caution

🚩 supposed to be 🍑 character with given nickname [ Bunny ] but Cherry NEEDS to make this edit officially

read here

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

what happens when Tangerine's little lady is targeted in their home?

word count: 9.1k+

💸 technically Mafia AU 🎭 drama 💔 angst 🥰 romance ❤️‍🩹 hurt and comfort 🍒 author's favorite 🙊 general language and content warning 🐍 small small small toxic family 🥊 depiction of physical violence / aggression 🔏 not edited 🩸 depiction of blood 🔫 guns 💛 requires maturity and caution

read here

Menace

in essence, "drabble about Tangerine going to the bathroom and texting Reader 'come here'."

word count: 4.4k+

🧸 fluff 🥰 romance 💦 smut 🔥 NSFW 💍 established relationship 🙊 general language and content warning 🥂 alcohol consumption 🧠 discussion of mental health (anxiety) 🔫 handguns (it's Tangerine) 🥊 mild depiction of violence (again, it's Tan...) 🔏 barely edited

read here

Fine Line

going after the same silver briefcase, you and Tangerine exchange more than a few blows. pun intended.

word count: 5.2k+

🎭 drama 🥰 small romance 💦 smut 🔥 NSFW 🥀 enemies-to-lovers ⚠️ small spoilers 🙊 general language and content warning 🥊 depiction of physical violence and / or aggression 🍑 reader with given nickname [ Peach ] 🩸 depiction of injury and blood

read here

The Blood of the Covenant

being raised alongside the Twins, you naturally fell on path to become a contract killer - much to Tangerine's chagrin. when you're recruited onto the Bullet Train, too, emotions cum into play - get it?

word count: 9.1k+

⏳ AU timeline ⚠️ small spoilers, too 🧸 little fluff 🎭 little drama 🥰 romance 💦 poorly written smut 🔥 NSFW 🙊 general language and content warning ☠️ minor character death 🥊 depiction of physical violence / aggression 🔏 not edited ✝️ Lord's name in vain 🍑 character with given nickname / codename [ Olive ] 🩸 depiction of blood and injury

read here

All Mine

you and Tangerine break up, and the man you date after is a serious downgrade. on a night out, Tangerine decides your story isn't yet finished.

word count: 7k+

⏳ assumed AU timeline - Tangerine lives 💔 angst 🎭 drama 🥰 romance ❤️‍🩹 hurt and comfort 🔥 small NSFW (it's really mild, but better safe than sorry) 💣 relationship angst 😭 break-ups 💍 established relationship 🩶 morally grey!reader / mean!reader / cheater!reader 🚬 smoking indoors 🥊 brief domestic aggression and depiction of violence 🔏 not edited

read here

requesting rules and masterlist

[strongheartneteyam]

Late night fun.

pairing: human!neteyam x female!reader

cw: fluff, established relationship, oral sex (female & male receiving), dirty talk, netflix and chill (lol), grinding, snuggling for warmth "trope", use of "babygirl" and "princess", hair pulling, dominant neteyam/sub reader, use of "daddy", use of "slut", possessive neteyam, slight degradation, praising kink, slut-for-neteyam-reader

Synopsis: It was supposed to be just a cozy winter night where you would chill in bed with your boyfriend while watching TV... but when it came to you and Neteyam alone in a room for too long, it was never just cuddles. The magnetic force that was the attraction that burned between the both of you was far too strong.

I've been wanting to write something for human neteyam for ages and I guess this is my first attempt lol hope my dear readers like it <3

Not proofread. The heat is cooking my brain 🧠 🔥 sorry babies, mama promises to do it soon lol

⋆

The night was cold and there was a sitcom playing on the big TV on Neteyam's bedroom. You snuggled closer to your boyfriend's chest, trying to get some warmth out of his soft black hoodie and his own body heat.

Neteyam chuckled at your smaller body holding onto his - he was 6'1, so, it was not hard for a girl to look short compared to his tall, broad body - and said "You cold, babygirl?" His voice was a bit hoarse and you had always found it to be the sexiest thing ever, even before you two started dating. Neteyam wrapped his strong, long arm around you, pulling you even closer.

"Mmhmm... You're so warm and comfy. I love it." your words were tender and needy. You let out a relaxed sigh.

"You're cute, baby." He pressed his lips softly on your forehead, making you feel protected.

After cuddling with Neteyam for a while, you started feeling a big bulge under his jeans.

"Teyam, you're hard?" A mischievous chuckle left your lips

"Don't blame me. It's impossible not to get turned on with these delicious fleshy thighs wrapped around my hips." He tried to defend himself and you could only keep laughing, though you tried to keep your voice down not to wake his family up. God knows Jake was a strict ex marine dad and Neytiri was short tempered. They were the best parents in law to you, despite that.

"Want me to help you out with that?" Your dirty suggestion comes with a pair of lustful eyes directed at Neteyam's gorgeous face. His sharp jaw looked sexier than ever that night. Or maybe you were just turned on by the feeling of his hard cock against your soft thigh.

Neteyam answered you by swiftly placing you on top of him. You were now straddling his large lap and you couldn't help but grind against his erection.

"Keep doing that and I'll use your little mouth to make me cum before I fuck your tight pussy." Neteyam warned, his voice husky. Your teasing ways always drove him crazy with desire.

You smiled at him.

"You know I don't mind if you do that." Your lips kissed his warm neck and you were drowning in the natural, cozy scent of Neteyam's skin.

Before you could notice, Neteyam grabbed a handful of your hair and pulled your head back, forcing you to look at him.

"Adress me right, then." Your breath was slightly labored and at this point your panties were utterly soaked.

"Daddy?" You tried

"That's right" Neteyam grinned, cocky. He loved it when you were good for him. "My obedient little slut."

"All yours, Daddy. Just yours." You mewled, eager to suck his cock. It was just like you could taste him already.

"Only mine." He reinforced your previous statement "Get off me for a while, princess." You immediately obeyed. You loved being his fucktoy.

Neteyam got on his knees and took his hoodie off, followed by his white shirt and then his light blue jeans. His clothes were now on the floor and your mouth almost watered at the sight of his large, girthy cock, all out to see. God, why was his cock so big and so pretty? Is that weird to think a guy's cock is pretty? Not that you actually cared about that at that moment. The only thing you truly cared about was tasting that little bead of pre cum on the slit of his swollen tip.

"Come." Neteyam ordered and you did as he said.

You got closer to him and he rapidly took your black buttoned up shirt off, revealing part of your body to him.

"You're so fucking hot. So fucking perfect for me." Neteyam praised you, winning a shy but joyful smile from your rosy lips."Now, wrap these pretty lips around Daddy's cock."

You lowered yourself, face right next to his hard member, your ass up in the air. Neteyam roughly grabbed one of your butt cheeks, squeezing the soft flesh hard, getting a somehow sadistic delight from that action.

Your mouth was now filled with his cock, his girth making it hard to fit it all in but you did your best to please him. Neteyam breathed in with pleasure while he looked down at you with half lidded eyes.

"Feels good" he murmured, captivated by the way your soft, warm tongue felt on his length. Your head made up and down movements swiftly and you looked up at him, eyes full of submission and devotion.

Neteyam grabbed the back of your head and gently pushed you away from his cock. You licked your lips, his strong taste lingering in your tastebuds. You kissed his toned but soft torso, licking his skin too. You wanted all of him, you needed all of him.

"Put your tongue out for Daddy." Not a second later, your tongue was already out as you waited for what was to come.

Neteyam grabbed his cock and put his girthy, swollen tip on your wet tongue, making tapping motions over and over again at a rapid pace, making you feel like a dirty slut but you loved to feel like that for him and only for him. Tasting his salty, musky pre cum on your mouth made you feel something so unique and you were just utterly addicted to it.

He watched you, full of himself, seeing how much you loved tasting his juices.

"Now it's my turn to taste you." Neteyam stated

"But I'm not done yet..." You protested with a whiny face

"I love how greedy you are for my cock, princess, but I wanna make you feel good too, hmm?" Neteyam buried his long fingers on your soft hair, holding your head in a slight move of soft but effective dominance

"'Kay..." You looked a bit defeated

Your response was followed by a chuckle coming from Neteyam.

"Don't act like you don't like it. Don't be a little brat."

"That's not it. You know I love it when you eat me out, Daddy." You gave him a lewd smile

"Then open these legs for me." Neteyam's large hand touched your inner thigh, caressing the sensitive skin slowly.

Now you wanted to feel his tongue on your core more than anything in the world. You laid back at the comfortable mattress, in the sheets that smelled just like Neteyam and watched as he slid your white panties down your legs.

Neteyam hiked up your skirt, leaving your pussy out to see. He opened your legs and stared at your glistening folds, coated with your juices. Your boyfriend was now licking your pussy from the bottom until your clit. When his warm tongue reached your sensitive nub, you let out a cry of pleasure.

"Just don't be too loud so we don't wake my family up, okay, babygirl?" He smiled at you, lips shining with your juices all over them. That was so dirty and so fucking sexy.

You moved your head back and fourth, telling him you understood, desperate for him to continue what he was doing before.

Neteyam started suckling on your clit and your mouth fell open with the wave of pleasure that came over you. Your hips started moving while you pushed your wet cunt against his mouth. You could feel his nose rubbing against your clitoris now, as he was licking you deep, gathering your juices with his tongue and swallowing them, savoring his babygirl's taste. You tasted like Heaven to Neteyam.

You held onto his thin, silky braids while Neteyam feasted on your sticky cunt, eating you out so eagerly you felt like the hottest girl alive. He looked up to you, his hazel eyes so enticing, almost like he was trying to tell you through his piercing gaze how much he loved eating your pussy. Neteyam sneaked one of his hands under your bra, cupping one of your boobs while he kept licking you. All the things he was doing to you were so good that you had to put both your hands over your mouth to try and muffle the way you were moaning intensely. Your legs were starting to tremble now.

⋆

Taglist:

@yeosxxx

@criticallybella

[medusapelagia]

Wiggly Wednesday 🧠🪱

I've been being tagged in wiggly Wednesdays last week but Wednesdays are hell and time zones are a mess so... thank you to @penny00dreadful and @pearynice for the tags and sorry for the delay! And thank you to @just-my-latest-hyperfixation who tagged me this week!

This is a brain worm I'm a bit scared of sharing but I like it a lot so I hope everything will be fine XD

TW: gender dysphoria, FtM Steve Harrington and Seahorse dad

Stevie Harrington, after years of diets and sports imposed on her by her mom (who always told her that she was too big and not feminine enough) starts to hide her body under huge male sweaters and cargo pants.

She meets Eddie, who is working many jobs and he’s a shop assistant at Stevie's favorite store. Eddie, instead of directing her toward the female section of the store like all the other shop assistants, helps her find what she's looking for in the male section.

With Eddie's help, and his love, Stevie starts to become more comfortable with herself, and finally admits to herself, and her boyfriend, that she doesn't feel comfortable in her body. 

Stevie, now Steve, starts to use male pronouns and stops pretending to be who he's not. He starts taking hormones, and every time he looks at himself in the mirror he likes his reflection more, but there's always something that bothers him.

When Steve tells Eddie he would like to get a top surgery, he's super supportive. They save as much as possible, and when Steve wakes up from his surgery Eddie is always at his side.

When, a few years later, Steve gets pregnant with their baby, the image in the mirror is exactly what he always wanted: his rounded stomach is hiding the most precious person in the world, his top surgery scars are covered in stars tattoos Eddie himself draw on him and he has never felt so beautiful in his life.

Tagging a few people to know their steddie brainworms: @vicecapitain, @oiveyzmir, @katyawriteswhump, @hbyrde36, @soaringornithopter

[miguelswifey04]

May I request Miguel “The wilderness must be explored” O’Hara insisting on eating the reader out even though the reader hasn’t had time to go get their usual waxing done?

oh god yes! i love your brain 🧠 <3

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

“relax, i don’t care if you’ve waxed or not.” miguel rolled his eyes in a playful manner as he gripped onto your plush thighs. his fingers were digging into the edges of your thighs as they dipped into the pillowy areas—leaving finger marks. you slightly closed your legs on his face as you felt your cheeks warm up at his comment.

“but—miguel, i really haven’t waxed wouldn’t that make you feel—” miguel cut you off as his grip loosened a bit and went up to meet your face as he gave you a soft kiss against your lips, “i promise you, i don’t care whether you have shaved or not. please let me taste you, sweetheart.” he reassured you multiple times as he promised you he didn’t mind at all. you simply nodded while you felt yourself get wetter as miguel traced hot hungry kisses on your breasts for more reassurance. he did so to ease your nervousness. he tore your bra off in one swift motion and he massaged your small perky breasts, bringing his face up close. he always praised for how beautiful and perfect you were in his eyes no matter what. he then took one breast in his hand while he latched his lips onto your other hardened peak. he suckled gently and harshly earning moans from your pretty mouth. he took his time with you as his main focused was to play and caresses your nipples. he loved how wet you’d get every time he’d give attention to your perky breasts, and with that miguel teasingly brought his hand down to your damp panties. he could feel how swollen your clit was as he gently circled your clit with your fingers in a teasing manner. your body trembled and jolted from the immense pleasure…it was pretty stimulating since you were always so sensitive.

“ah, sensitive as always, don’t worry you’ll be screaming my name when i eat you out.” miguel’s lips left your hardened peaks with a pop as he lowered himself down to your wet panties. god he could smell just how wet you were which made his cock harden and slightly twitch within the confines of his boxers. “you smell so good…”

with one hook of his fingers miguel brought your panties to the side seeing a few strings of your wetness connected to your panties. you were a mess and to say you were also nervous was an understatement. this was your first time miguel was going to eat you out where you haven’t shaved at all. miguel looks up at you with hungry and lust in his eyes. all you could do was nod giving him your permission to eat you out. so, miguel grabbed the back of your thighs angling your knees to meet your chest so he could have the perfect view of your hairy pussy. he couldn’t lie to himself the view of your hairy pussy made him harder than other times where you’ve shaved. his warm breath ghosting against your most intimate of areas. he could see the way your pussy and the tight hole of your ass clench around over nothing.

without hesitation, his tongue darts out to swipe along your folds, eliciting a gasp of pleasure from your lips. his movements are purposeful, his tongue skillfully exploring every sensitive spot, flicking and teasing with precision. “you taste so fucking good, muñeca.”

the sensation is electrifying, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. miguel’s devotion to your pleasure is evident in his fervent efforts, each lick and caress driving you closer to the edge. his hands wander, exploring your curves and guiding you towards the peak of ecstasy. while miguel laps up the excess juices that spilled out from your pussy, he brought his other hand where his thumb rubbed small gentle circles on your other hole. he would casually dip his thumb inside the tight hole of your ass as you moaned out his name. “mmm-mmiguel mmmmm, deeper-” he always liked to give you the upmost pleasure and he loved seeing you so weak under his control. he fingered your ass with his thumb while focusing on making out with your pretty hairy pussy.

moans of delight escape your lips as his skilled tongue brings you to the brink of release, the intensity building within you. the power and control you exert over miguel, even in this role reversal, fuels your desire further, heightening the pleasure coursing through your veins. he would dip a couple fingers inside your soaking pussy that was coated with his saliva as he continued to suck and circle his tongue against your clit. your thighs squeeze his face as he grunts over on your swollen clit.

as you reach your climax, you whole body convulses as you feel the warm rush of your essence coating miguel’s face. he continues to lap up your essence with unyielding dedication, his own desire evident in the way he devours every drop. he slightly let’s go of your legs as you meet his gaze. his chin is wet from your essence and he licks his fingers all clean right in front of you. “you always taste so good…but i’m not done with you wet.” your face contorts in a confused look as miguel brings you closer to the edge of the bed as he stands up right in front of you. “get ready because i can go for a couple rounds.”

———

a/n: good god 😩

[vecnuthy]

🪱🧠 Wiggly Wednesday 🧠🪱

Tagged by @just-my-latest-hyperfixation sending luscious dirt vibes your way to feed the babies 🖤🖤 I've had this brain worm wriggling around in my head for a while, but it requires spice and I really feel that I just cannot do spice, but, regardless, here's my nsfw maybe au brainworm that I have definitely already kind of written the beginning of:

Steve finds a handwritten note in the adult only section of Family Video that prompts him to choose a number between one and twelve, saying that it would be fun (wink wink). Steve eventually caves because he's bored and curious and writes a number down, then gets a tape a week later saying something along the lines of "Your choice awaits." Later that night, he finds out that it's basically the 80s version of a camboy video, and the guy in it loooves the sound of his own voice, and, looky there, Steve does too. A lot. He likes the way the guy (Eddie, obvious to us) touches himself even more, and by the end of the video, Steve is shaking and sweaty and in the sweetest pain bc the guy on the video said he couldn't touch himself, only watch.

And Steve does what he's told.

Or at least he does this time, because he's just so engrossed in what this tattooed guy with the slightly gravelly voice is doing, and he hates that he can't see his face, and he's just kind of frozen until the guy on the screen sets him free, but then he succumbs far too quickly.

It's the first of a few tapes that appear.

There are more notes asking for Steve's thoughts and for more numbers, and Steve's frustrated as all hell because he's jerking off too damn much, and he's trying to do one night stands that just aren't cutting it because those girls are just not this guy, and the guys are just not this guy, and his hand isn't satisfying, because he just wants that guy's hands on him, his voice in his ear, muttering the nastiest things that he can't even fathom, that make him blush shades of red that he can feel all over his body through to his bones, that drip like hot honey down his spine and make his fingers tingle and his chest squeeze and stomach swoop so wildly that he want to scream.

But yeah, it's bound to be a multichapter thing or a longggg oneshot kind of thing, which is intimidating, so who knows if it'll happen, but. Brainworms.

Tagging @steddieas-shegoes @sidekick-hero @cuips-not-cute @corrodedbisexual @thefreakandthehair @griefabyss69 bc I feel like y'all have brainworms 😌🫶

[hoodreader]

Saturn asks: “What are you so afraid of?”

read for saturn persona chart or where saturn falls in ur natal chart. read for solar return chart to see what fear u need to overcome. this is a general post: house placement, aspects, etc all have an influence in how the fear may manifest.

remedy saturn to subdue the fear. good luck!

forms | menu | archive

🧠 WHAT IS FEAR? fear is spiritually sourced from insecurity. and fear is the predecessor of a lot of emotions / feelings: such as anger, or sadness. it’s in the root of the animalistic, carnal, survivalist part of u. the part of u that is of this world — ur flesh.

fear is housed in the amygdala — a part of the brain responsible for survival instincts. it’s one of the oldests parts of ur brain, having been developing since before the transition from life in the sea to the land… that was a long time ago. this means that the amygdala (or the capacity of fear) is almost as old as the brain (the capacity to have a thought) itself.

fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” for billions of years, this is how living beings survived. by being afraid.

but that’s the problem with a mindset centered on survival. in order to fear something, u have to sub/unconsciously believe that something else has the power to threaten u. u must believe that it can bring harm to u.

fear has its place for the body. it’s instinctual. the rabbit fears the serpent. the serpent fears the cat. and so on. when u fear something, that’s because ur animalistic, physical self is trying to protect the body. and we are animals, after all.

but in many ways, fear is the antithesis of the limitless soul and spirit. because fear is in the core in the animal’s physical form, it can corrupt what is beyond the physical — including the core of the non-physical.

this is why we must address our fear — it’s a necessary step in acquiring freedom from the cycle of survivalism and to allow urself to evolve past what you have been conditioned in. read on to learn how u may house fear within u. good luck!

first house. what you fear in yourself, in new environments, fear of your mind, of your psyche. what you fear of your spirit and soul. self-consciousness in your body; fear of your appearance; fear of health. fear of life itself.

second house. fear of losing your possessions and assets. fear of loss in security. fear of poverty.

third house. what you fear in your personal communities. fear of not belonging. what you fear in your siblings. being the “black sheep.” fear of communication; of expressing yourself. anxiety. fear of information, of the truth.

fourth house. fears you inherit from your family. fear of karma. what you fear in your ancestry or family. fear of death; of the grave; of the “end.” fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, fear of your ‘shadow self’. fear of leaving home or fear of home itself (look at aspects). fear of emotion. if you have a uterus: this could even be menophobia. you may fear even acknowledging a fear at all.

fifth house. your fears of pregnancy, childbearing, sex, romance, or creation. fear of parenthood. your fear of adventure. fear of self expression (especially with art). how you may suppress your inner child; fear of expressing it.

sixth house. health-related fears. fears relating to the obstructions in your routine; your day-to-day; your comfort. fear of not doing enough. fear of cats or dogs (lmao, but seriously). fear of your enemies (private).

seventh house. fear of other people; fear of partnerships (business and marriage/long-term romantic). fear of binding commitments. fear of death. fear of enemies (public). fear of justice.

eighth house. fear of the taboo, of the misunderstood, of the socially exiled. fear of debts owed. fear of what you inherit. fear of your karma. fear of your nature. fear of change. fear of sex (as a binding, energetic exchange). fear of sexual organs. fear of surgery. fear of purging. fear of insects, arachnids, reptiles, and/or amphibians.

ninth house. fear of foreign communities. fear of planes; of far-distanced travel. fear of religions. fear of god. of higher education, college, etc.

tenth house. fear of being seen. fear of legacy. fear of your public reception. fear of how you’re seen. fear of your reputation. of authority. goals. afraid of your honor. of fame.

eleventh house. afraid to aspire. of liberty and freedom. afraid to challenge or rebel. afraid to think outside the box. fear of society; of friendship.

twelfth house. your fears of isolation; fears of being lonely. fear of rest. fear of closure. fear of death. fear of your ‘shadow self’. fear of therapy, of hospitals, of prisons. fear of exile. fear of introspection. fear of sadness, woe, and sickness.

saturn aspecting ascendant. similar to saturn in the first house. you’re afraid to embody your own energy. afraid of your own body. you can be your own jailer.

saturn aspecting sun. afraid of being noticed or seen. afraid to create. you’re afraid to perform; stage freight. you have shame, you may try to remedy your shame with pride but that’s not going to help your insecurity.

saturn aspecting moon. you’re afraid to have emotional needs. to be emotional at all. you may have been told your feelings were burdensome, so when you feel, you grow disappointed or shameful at the fact that you do. fear of letting go, so the native may hold onto emotions that no longer serve them. emotional stunting.

saturn aspecting mercury. you’re afraid to speak. to make your presence known. you might’ve been told you were only to be seen, not heard. you internalize this by not verbalizing yourself. you may have shallow breathing.

saturn aspecting venus. you’re afraid to love. to be close. to desire. you may be ashamed of wanting to be intimate. you could also simply have self-esteem issues, or you have shame relating to your wealth and finances.

saturn aspecting mars. there’s shame in anger, in your root / carnal needs. you’re ashamed of perceived weakness, and you may fear being viewed as anything other than strong. you may also fear betrayal or someone sneaking you, so you may be prone to grudges. fear of blood. fear of being hurt.

saturn aspecting jupiter. this is viewed as auspicious, but there can still be fear lurking. fear is, at times, consuming. large. pervasive (if a conjunction). fear can be of water. religious-related. community-related. fear to aspire. fear of marriage, fear of feeling shackled by marriage. it can be related to feeling like you lack freedom.

saturn aspecting the nodes. the nodes are about your destiny, about your karma, your past life experiences. the lessons you carry into this lifetime, and thus, what you may fear from lives long dead. and they are much more significant than some people will lead you to believe. it’s more than “future” and “past.” they meet you here in your current body. look to the nodes in your saturn persona chart — it’ll be a key in learning how not to rely on fear to guide you.

you should also use the lessons that have been taught in your familial line, the lessons from the past will be relevant to the future. for the long-haul for sure. for this, i’d advise looking to karmic advisory. if you have living elders, talk to them (a lot). if you don’t have living elders in your family, talk to elders in general. don’t be afraid of your destiny. you chose it for a reason! good luck! ⭐️

works of @hoodreader. all rights reserved, 2024.

tips — $mooninfall on cashapp. readings are open.