#Bitching bout my AVPD

[l-anomalous]

Brain doing a stinky so vent under the cut hhhhh

Man don't I love having a personality disorder that makes me overthink every single social interaction I make. I am hyper paranoid constantly about people's perception of me and I have RSD so bad that I get anxious over rejections that don't exist. I get anixous leaving fucking tags on people's art for fucks sake.

I wish for nothing more than to go back before I had this. Either that or punt the fuckers that caused this in the sun but I already wanna do that several reasons. Hhhhhh, I just wanna be normal but I lost that option god knows how long ago now and now I can just scream...

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[witch-of-the-west-country]

@angelmarya24 Here's a rough first draft of the start of my fic xx Marya burst out into the area behind the hotel and stood trying to gather her thoughts. There were dumpsters all around, providing the valuable service of concealing her from sight whilst being suitable company for the mood she was in. Taking deep breaths, she tried to calm herself. Gloria had done it again: Managed to humiliate her in front of other members of staff, whilst still maintaining that innocent “But what did I say?!” expression. Marya didn't know how she did it. The outspoken 65 year old woman had a particular talent of bluntly speaking her mind, saying thoughtless, hurtful things that cut deep in such a way that if challenged, she'd be able to defend her words without recriminations. Maybe others could withstand her cutting comments - even come up with an equally cutting retort - but Marya wasn't one on them. Marya leaned against the outside wall, glad of the solitude. It was times like this she wished she smoked so she'd have an excuse to be out here. Most people were understanding about her social anxiety and AVPD but it was still embarrassing to her that she occasionally needed a timeout to cope with her emotions. Sighing, she launched into one of her coping mechanisms, envisioning herself safely shut away in her room, practicing one of her musical instruments with her cat curled blissfully up on her bed. She was so invested in this little daydream that when the rear door opened in the wall next to her she gave a shrill yelp, clutching her hands to her chest in alarm. The man who stood framed by the doorway looked equally startled by her reaction, jerking halfway back into the building before he could stop himself, blue eyes wide in shock. “Holy fuck!” he squawked, recovering from his knee-jerk response with something that looked like embarrassment. Marya blushed, his embarrassment shared, but also had to stifle an awkward giggle at the look on his face. It was an uncomfortable moment, and one she wished with all her heart had never happened, but his expression was priceless. The man checked his retreat, drawing himself up from his instinctive crouch and assuming a carefree swagger as he exited the building, digging into his pocket as he did so. The tips of his ears burned red in his own blush, something that made Marya feel a tiny bit - but not much - better. “Sorry….” she muttered, looking at her feet to avoid eye contact. “You surprised me.” “No shit,” he said. “Thought it was the fuckin’ end of days.” His voice had a Southern US lilt that she latched onto immediately, her heart leaping uncomfortably in her chest. She'd always found the Southern state’s accents painfully attractive, and here on Prince Edward Island it sounded even more exotic and mysterious, redolent of magnolia blossoms and lazy, sunny days in the bayou. Marya risked an upward glance, watching him as he produced a pack of cigarettes and pulled one out. She didn't recognise him, and the realisation made her feel more awkward still. Living on an island where practically everybody was related to everyone else meant she encountered few strangers who weren't guests, and to meet one now when she was feeling so vulnerable made her want the ground to swallow her up. He was wearing a porter's uniform, which meant he was a fellow employee. Great. Now she'd have to suffer the humiliation of working with him after this. Add to that the fact he was near her own age and she had a whole heck of a lot to preoccupy her. The man had his cigarette pinched loosely between his lips and he regarded her with unnerving curiosity as he lit it, squinting those astonishingly blue eyes against the tendrils of smoke that drifted up. “You're Marya, right?” he asked, his straightforward approach disarming even whilst it was intrusive. “Uh, yes. How did you know?” “Got ears,” he replied, shrugging. He looked away as he smoked, allowing her a swift and cautious examination of his features: Those ice-blue weren't available for study, but she could still appreciate the hook nose, angular cheekbones and the long, almost elegant neck. He was tall, and though his uniform hid his build she guessed he was skinnier than he appeared at first. Unaware of her attention, he shivered, drawing up his shoulders. “You're cold?” she asked before she could stop herself. He looked at her warily. “Uh-huh. Fuckin’ freezin’,” he replied, sounding defensive. Marya was mystified. It was true she was one of those people that didn't seem to feel the cold and could happily wander about in freezing temperatures with bare arms and legs, but it was October and the fall weather was still surprisingly mild. It wasn't even near the colder weather they expected in the winter. Perhaps seeing her disbelief, he bristled slightly. “I ain't used to this weather,” he explained. “Hotter than two rats fuckin’ in a wool sock where I come from. Swear I'm gonna freeze my balls off here ‘fore the year’s out.” Marya giggled despite herself at his turn of phrase, and after a brief glare of suspicion he relaxed, favouring her with something that was almost a grin. The warmth of the expression softened the hard angles of his face, creasing the corners of his eyes, and as he turned away from her again to survey the dumpster-crowded lot in which they stood, Marya felt a lot more comfortable in his presence. Even so, she felt like she should make some kind of effort and cast around in her mind for some topic of conversation. “So I'm guessing you're not from round here,” she tried. He raised his eyebrows at her, taking another drag of his cigarette. It was half gone already, being sucked down at speed, possibly to avoid further conversation or possibly so he could get inside out of the cold quicker. “Quite the detective, ain't ya?” he remarked. “Yer right. From Dulvey, Louisiana. Asshole o’ the state in my opinion.” He flicked his thumb against the filter of his cigarette, sending a cylinder of ash flying off. “Now yer gonna ask me what I'm doin’ here, right?” Marya nodded earnestly, grateful he was doing the talking. He shrugged, a lazy gesture that utilised only one shoulder and gave the impression of a laconic demeanour that Marya envied. “Had to get away from ma folks. Love my momma but my dad was ‘bout to drive me crazy with his drinkin’ an’ his naggin’. Never thought I'd end up here but it's as good a place as any. Don't reckon I could deal with a big city.” He tossed his cigarette away with a practised flick, watching as it rolled across the asphalt to settle by the wheel of dumpster and lay there smouldering. He was still hunched against the cold but made no move to go back in. “Heard that fuckin’ old bitch chewin’ you out,” he said eventually. “That woman got a mean mouth on her.” “Yeah. She's, uh, kind of a problem for me. But I guess she can't help it. It's just her way.” He cast a dubious glance her way, shaking his head. “Naw. She's a bully. Polly always has been. An’ I tell ya, I can't fuckin’ abide bullies.. ..” He looked grim for a moment and Marya wondered if he'd had his own experiences with bullies in the past. Whether he had or not though, his sudden unexpected solidarity touched her, and she found herself warming towards this gangly stranger. “You're probably right,” she said, not wanting to say anything too inflammatory even to this apparently sympathetic man. “Anyways,” he said. “Oughta get back inside ‘fore they notice I'm missin’. You comin’?” Marya hesitated, but he was already opening the door, standing back to allow her to enter first. Perhaps sensing her reluctance, he tried a smile again, having more success this time. “C’Mon. Don't let that old bitch get ta ya. She'll be dead before you are.” The observation drew a shocked snort from Marya and before she'd fully realised what she was doing she'd stepped over the threshold. “There ya go!” he said. “Show her what yer made of.” “Marshmallow and insecurity,” said Mary, cringing at the sudden unintended exposure of her psyche. He sniggered. “Fuckin’ love marshmallows….” He let the door slam shut behind them and wandered off towards the foyer, hands in his pockets, not even looking back. Mary's watched him go, feeling somehow bereft in his absence. A thought occurred to her. “Hey! What's your name?” she called after him. “Lucas,” he shot back, not pausing, and turned the corner out of sight.