#Being part of an group where we give it freely is so amazingly good....

[mrfoox]

Ok looking through OW replay is actually so nice when you're playing with friends. Seeing their POV of things and when there downtime they looking at your character in game and just (:

[herohotline]

Can I request Aizawa realizing he’s falling for a bubbly male hero after that hero helps him in a fight?

A/N: I know it’s not a matchup or going along with my to-do list, but I’ve been really depressed and this I wrote this really adorable request to make me feel better. I now feel at least 2% better. I hope it does something for any of you dudes, too ❤️ I cut this down a bit, it was originally a lot longer lmao. Might want to do a part two!!

Pairing: Shouta Aizawa / Male Reader

Reader: Hero name Witcher, controls the air around him by creating powerful gusts of wind and tornados. 

Villains are ruthless, annoying, trouble-making, selfish, stupid people. 

Villains deserve nothing- but they deserve everything if they’re getting a sentence and trial- ugh, enough of this- villains are exactly what is making Aizawa late.

Now, Aizawa wasn’t any sort of All Might- he never ran forth at every sign of trouble. But Aizawa had his hero license and title for a reason, and he accepted that, yes, sometimes the ‘other person’ coming to help had to be him. This was one of those times- how could he just walk to class and ignore the wannabe group of villains as they wave their guns around and take random passer-by’s hostage?

There were three of them, all remarkably young in age- which further proved Aizawa’s point that villains are stupid- and one of them had a shield quirk- which further proved his point that villains are annoying. 

Before they had the chance to see him, Aizawa had perched himself atop a building and out of sight so he could make some sort of plan. The first thing he had to do was split the group up- then he could focus on the man producing impenetrable shields, then he could try and use that as leverage to free the hostages. The entire thing was risky- he’d have to clean it up by himself in barely a few minutes so he could ensure the lives of the hostages. Hopefully, the police would come soon and provide back-up.

It’s when he finished that thought that someone came swooping in- a bright costume that he didn’t recognize along with a charming laugh that passed right by him. “Stop worrying!” The voice came and his eyes snapped over to a man- he was obviously a fellow hero and stood just a few feet in front of him. “Let’s deal with this quickly, okay?” The sudden new-comer looks behind his shoulder to send a quick wink Aizawa’s way before he dove for the action.

A distraction, Aizawa realizes. That’s what he’s trying to do. 

—

“Well, this is troublesome!” You whistle breezily as you step forward to the scene. You quickly look over everything that looks troubling: guns, hostages, meddlesome quirks… The usual for a hero to deal with. “I’d love it if we could deal with this quickly, yeah?” you tut, a safe-but-kind-of-stretching-it distance away from the villains. 

“Who do you think you are?!” One of them shouts- oh, you love it when they have a short temper. Another one looks equally pissed off by your flamboyant behavior- villains usually do.

“Who am I?” You ask aloud. “Well, I could honestly be whoever you want me to be. Perhaps,” your head tilts to the side as you smile, and the man with the money and long coat in their group is harshly thrown to the side- a large gust of wind following along and nearly tripping his friends. His body meets a hard and cemented wall of the next building over, knocking him out for the time being, “a wizard?” You continue. The other villains look at you, clearly pissed off and cock their guns. “A hero?” Quickly you sweep the hostages in the air, sending them over to you and in your arms. Thankfully there’s only three of them- enough to carry, although with a bit of difficulty. “Or just an annoyance? Maybe I’m all three!” 

They begin shooting in the middle of your speech- which is rude- but your job is done. The dark and brooding hero from before finally shows up, right on time as he uses the strange scarf around his neck to send the guns to the floor and then wrap up one of the villains. As he continues his surprise attack, you quickly run a safe distance away and deposit the hostages in a hidden alley. 

There’s a walkie strapped to your outfit and you quickly take it off. “I’ve got three hostages at the corner of Telvet, officers. Please ensure their safety as Eraserhead and I take care of the villains.”

A voice warbles through the radio. “Got it, we’re on our way, Witcher.” 

You quickly give the oldest woman in the group the walkie. “Keep this on you, make sure to keep out of sight until the officers arrive,” you instruct her carefully, keeping eye-contact as you place an arm on her shoulder. The other two civilians are young boys- brothers, you assume. “Don’t split up, don’t go anywhere. You will be safe, okay?”

“O-okay,” she stutters, the walkie tight in her grip. You shake your head. 

“Tell me. Tell me you’ll be okay- believe in that.”

“I’ll- we’ll be okay, Witcher!” She tries her best to wear a more confident look and you give her a big grin, slapping her shoulder and standing up quickly. You almost fall backwards because of how suddenly you stand, but that’s neither here nor there. 

“Good job! I believe in you!” 

—

Aizawa really wasn’t meant for one-on-two fights, as much as he hates to admit it. It’s obviously not too difficult- he’s a pro and these villains are still kids, not knowing what they’re doing and relying too much on quirks. They’re predictable, easy, but still an annoyance. 

So he’s relieved when you, whoever you are, come dashing back to the fight and help restrain the villains with him- and then the other one who’s still lying near the wall for good measure. The police arrive within seconds once the fight is over, informing both of you that they found the hostages and took them down to the police station for questioning. 

“Oh, be careful with those boys, okay? They were really young looking, clearly shaken up.” Aizawa eyes you from a distance as you talk with the officers. “That girl is really tough- but could you bring me back my walkie? I gave it to her.”

Your personality was certainly one of a kind, that’s for sure. He can’t stop looking at you- because who are you? The way you handled the entire situation was almost perfectly unorganized and impulsive- but impulsive in an amazingly thoughtful way? You clearly knew what you were doing but gave off an energy that made it feel like you were winging it. 

He heard one of the officers mumble your hero name, clearly, they were familiar with you- Witcher? Aizawa’s certain he’s never heard the name before. 

You were obviously not on the same level of unfamiliarity as he was. 

“Eraserhead!” You call out to him, smiling and showing off your teeth as you present your hand to him. “It was great meeting you- or, working with you for the first time!” Aizawa is quick to shake your hand, not wanting to seem rude, for whatever reason. Is it just him, or are you dazzling? Once you put your hand away he’s quick to wipe his dry eyes- it’s probably just the sun. “I’m sorry if I caught you off guard- my ways of hero work are a bit unorthodox for some. I would have filled you in if there was time.”

“Unorthodox?” Aizawa snorts. “Sounds like a better name for you than Witcher.”

“Hey, I like that name! It makes me sound super neat, doesn’t it?” For whatever reason, you laugh, even though Aizawa’s joke really wasn’t that funny. 

He’s sort of blushing and has no idea why- but he hates it and wants to get to class as soon as possible. That’s why it’s strange that he finds himself stuck in place as he continues to talk to you. “I’m surprised I haven’t heard of you before, Witcher. Where are you from?” 

You chuckle, one of your hands scratching the back of your neck. “I’m not surprised. I came from another area of Japan- it’s kind of rural, you know? I just moved to the big city recently.” As you speak, you look at the area around you wistfully. “It’s nice here.”

Aizawa squints. He’s put off- but somehow intrigued by your personality. “How old are you?” He blurts before he can stop- it makes you laugh again. 

“Don’t people in the city not ask that kind of stuff?” Aizawa watches as your whole body moves as you laugh- you give into it, letting it control your body in a weird shake and rumble. Your shoulders bounce, your knees bend and your feet tilt up. It’s… possibly endearing. “Would you believe me if I told you I’m turning 32 next week?” 

“No,” Aizawa immediately says, “but Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks- but don’t you have somewhere to be?” 

Right. He looks down at his watch, internally wincing at the time he sees. No one will really care besides him- he’s rarely late, so people in the school know he has a good reason to lag behind. But he knows he’ll get a stern talk from Iida and several worried speeches from other students.  

Why’s he feel like a kid in trouble when he’s the damn teacher?

“I could give you a ride. I actually own a car, surprise surprise. It’s faster than the subway.” 

He hasn’t agreed yet, but still, he finds himself following you as you lead the way to your vehicle. “You know where I work?” He asks. “You know I don’t have a car?” 

“C’mon, Eraserhead, everyone knows where you work.” You look him up and down with a smirk, “and it’s easy to tell you ride the subway.”

“Fuck off.”

“Yikes! Sore spot, huh?” You’re obviously unoffended and he hasn’t even realized that you’re both at your car until you open one of the doors for him. A quick glance lets him know that you have money- but you’re obviously modest about it. It’s a nice car, but nothing too flashy or brag-worthy.

Unlike Hizashi’s car. This is a nice change. 

“So, Eraserhead,” you easily slide into your car and shut the door in one swoop, already starting the engine before he can realize. “Am I gonna have to keep calling you Eraserhead, or can I call you by a name?” 

Usually, he’d say no. Eraserhead was fine and he didn’t like giving out personal information so freely. It’s his name and he doesn’t like to wear it out. But, again, before he can think- “Aizawa.” 

“Nice to meet you, Aizawa. Put your damn seatbelt on,” you begin to drive and smile at him again. “My name’s ___.”

It’s a nice name. Definitely better than ‘Witcher’. 

—

Aizawa runs into you several times after that- something he doesn’t know how to feel about. On one hand, you’re interesting and charming in your own way. He likes the conversations you’ll have after defeating a bad guy together or even running into each other at the supermarket. 

But he dislikes the weird, hot feeling he always gets in his chest whenever you come and leave. No, he doesn’t ever lose his composure around you- because he never does for anybody.

But sometimes, he gets close. And Aizawa didn’t know why that was for a really long time- 

Until, eventually, word of you got around and eventually Nezu had you make a special appearance for the hero course. And Aizawa got to watch you laugh and smile and inspire his students so wonderfully- 

That’s when he realized that maybe he’s feeling a lot more than he’s letting on. 

—

This little ‘crush’ doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. Aizawa isn’t used to crushes- it’s been a long time since he was a teenager, and that’s the last time he really let himself think about things romantically. It’s especially hard to deal with because it’s you- you’re so different than him that it makes it more difficult to hide his feelings.

But he does, of course, hide his feelings- that’s what he always does. 

It also doesn’t help that his students now love you- you’re brought up more than once, which is enough to annoy him. He would rather not think about you at work, or maybe at all- for Christ Sake, Aizawa doesn’t even have your number. All your meetings so far have been by chance- or ungodly bad luck. He really shouldn’t be feeling this way about you.

Another swing of good- bad luck comes when Toshi waves a slip of paper in his face one morning in the Teacher’s Lounge. “I got his number for you,” The retired hero looks awfully happy with himself for such a meager thing. 

Aizawa snaps the paper out of his hand. “So? Why are you meddling?”

“You like him, don’t you?” Toshi’s eyes follow Aizawa as he passes the taller man, grumpily making his coffee with the office coffee maker- it makes him grumpier knowing that it’s watered down bullshit but it’s better than nothing. Especially if he’s going to be dealing with Toshi this early in the morning.  

“What do you have to do with that?”

“Aizawa,” Toshi sighs. “Is it so much to do something for yourself for once?”

Something for himself? 

Is pursuing a relationship with you something he’d be doing for himself? It seems unlikely- you probably didn’t like him anyway. Aizawa doesn’t want to take the chance.

“Thanks, Toshi. I’ll think about it.” He assures, making Toshi smile and finally walk away. 

The least he can do is text you, but Aizawa is a liar- he’s sure as hell not going to pursue you like the old hero might want him to. 

Even if he secretly really, really wants to. 

[lucyoftheabyss48]

Top 6 Spring 2020 Anime to Watch

I was going to make this a Top 10, but it got way too long, so I cut it to 6. (Also above pic is from BNA)

Anyway, these are the Top 6 Spring 2020 Anime that I personally think will be worth watching. For all of these included in the list, I have watched at least the first episode. But of course, this list will be very biased, because my beloved Studio Trigger finally has another show again.

I won’t be including sequels (but I’m watching Fruits Basket S2, Ascendance of a Bookworm S2, and I’m trying to catch up on Kaguya-sama and Tsugumomo)

Let’s start from Number 6. May contain vague spoilers for the first episodes of these shows. More below!

6. Gal to Kyouryuu

This one looks like trash. I know. I know, but give it a chance. Maybe all you’ll get out of it is its comedy and strangeness, and its wacky live action second half. But just let me tell you the best part of this show, and why it’s so high on my list.

First, a quick summary. A gyaru (gal) girl takes in a dinosaur that she found one day, and they spend their time just living life together. That’s it.

That is it, but I think there’s more to it than just that. This gal girl, Kaede, from what I can tell, has just been going through the motions in life. She felt bored and uninspired and unmotivated. Her life was just work, and whatever fun things she could find to fill up her free time.

But when she brings in the dinosaur, despite her many complaints, she still cares for him and thinks of him and is considerate towards him. And for her to have someone by her side, and looking to her as a companion to face life together, side by side, creates a little more fun and a little more motivation in her own life.

This isn’t a deep show or anything. I don’t think there’s some dark hidden message, unless you want to look at it that way. It’s a sweet little show about the relationship between two lost and lonely people, finding their way in life together. One of them just happens to be a cute dinosaur.

Which amazingly, no one seems to question. I think that’s great, because it just cuts out that whole obstacle of others coming to terms with the dinosaur’s existence, and goes straight to him as just an individual character, and his relationship with Kaede.

It’s just really sweet, I can’t say this enough. It might be a little subtle. But just watch out for the things that Kaede does for the dinosaur, like how she seriously thinks about what she can do to help him. I also think the dinosaur definitely helps Kaede let down her guard and be more relaxed about some things. Both their lives are just brighter with each other than without.

(Edit after seeing Episode 2, SPOILERS: Never mind about this not being deep or dark, the ending of Episode 2 has changed my mind!! Please watch it, and let’s discuss theories!!!)

5. Arte

If you’ve read any of my past essays, maybe you’ve found out by now that I live for the dynamic between really great and supportive partnerships. And maybe you’ve also found out by now that most of this list consists of said partnerships. Arte definitely has one too.

So Arte is about a noblewoman who wants to be an artist, but everyone is against that, because she’s a woman, and women at that time don’t become artists. And moreover, she’s a noble, and so she needs to be ladylike and get married so she can continue to live a comfy life.

Basically that’s the premise, and Arte goes about trying to find her path to becoming an artist. She eventually becomes the apprentice of someone we all know: Leonardo da Vinci.

If you like art, if you like history and historical figures (read: if you’re a Fate fan like me), or if you just like a cool and determined female MC, then this is for you. I would say this is comparable to Ascendance of a Bookworm, or the anime movie Miss Hokusai. It’ll probably have equal parts lighthearted comedy and darker seriousness, and plenty of coolness from Arte and Leo both.

4. Gleipnir

I read a good chunk of the manga a year or two before this came out, so I’ve been looking forward to this. The animation in this first episode was really good quality, and it’ll probably only get better from here. The story is basically, one day, our MC Shuichi suddenly gains powers to turn into a big stuffed animal suit. Everyone who has these powers to transform has entered into a big battle royale to the death to collect the most coins.

Shuichi just wants to live a normal life and get rid of this animal form, and Claire wants to find a certain someone (among other things). Shuichi doesn’t want to fight, doesn’t want to kill anyone — but he can’t do nothing because then he’d be killed. And he doesn’t even know yet why he was turned into this monster.

That’s where Claire comes in. She has a goal, but she doesn’t have powers like he does. She’d be killed instantly on her own, just as he would because of his hesitation. Just so you know, she gets it into her head that the best way for them both to live, and get what they both want, is for her to get inside his animal suit form, and control him from the inside.

They’d both die on their own, but together, they can survive.

I think the story is interesting and plenty mysterious. There’s a lot of good stuff to sink your teeth into. But like always, the core of the show, to me, is the dynamic between Shuichi and Claire, and how they both find purpose and motivation because of each other.

Also Shuichi’s VA is the same as Tanjirou. And Ikuto in Runway de Waratte. So that’s a plus.

3. Princess Connect! Re:Dive

So it might be easy to dismiss this as another fantasy adventure harem with the lackluster MC, but I’m going to argue for our mostly silent and robotic protagonist. We find out in the first episode when he wakes up that he lost his memory, so I would say that that’s the reason why he’s pretty emotionless. So as he interacts more with Kokkoro, and learns more about the world from her, he becomes more expressive.

I think the best example of this is his last line at the end of the first episode, which sounded a little more emotional and personal than any lines he’d said earlier.

On another note, the animation is top notch — way, way too excessively pretty and beautiful and detailed, but I ain’t complaining. The grass. The grass. Watch it, and you’ll see what I mean. And the lighting. The lighting.

The action animation and comedy both are pretty reminiscent of Konosuba. A certain character’s finishing move is pretty similar to Explosion. And like Konosuba, a lot of the appeal of this show will probably be the female characters, their wild personalities, and all the shenanigans they get into.

But also like Konosuba, there’s a small, hidden sweet side sprinkled throughout, in how their ragtag group finds friendship and companionship with each other, when they couldn’t find it elsewhere. If you look at it that way, I think this show can be sweet and deep in its own way.

2. Tower of God

This is a big one that I know lots of people have been looking forward to, as it’s an adaptation of a popular Webtoon. I haven’t read the webtoon yet, but I will eventually. I’ll just say that first, the art and animation here is really, really good. In particular, the scenery and background art is amazing, and really creates the whole atmosphere. A single change in background can change the mood in a second. You’ll see what I mean immediately in the first scene with the big door. Or a little later on with the blood splatter.

The animation of the movement in action scenes is smooth and fluid, no problems there. The art style may take some time to get used to for some people who may not like it, but it’s personally just the kind I like. Honestly it reminds me of a Shaft work. So if you like the Monogatari series, the use of art style and background art here gives a similar vibe, or at least I think so.

As for the story, it starts with Bam getting separated from Rachel, and he starts his journey to climb a tower so he can meet her again. We get pretty much no reason for why she left yet, but I think we’re in for something really good with this story.

(I’m planning on making a separate analysis essay entirely on a certain scene in the first episode, so look forward to that.)

1. BNA

Brand New Animal. Trigger’s latest work, the last few being SSSS Gridman and Darling in the Franxx, and their first movie, Promare. I am a huge Trigger fan, and I’ve been excited for this one for a while.

Our MC, Michiru, is a human, but she suddenly gets turned into a tanuki person. She seeks refuge in Anima City, because (surprise!) the humans don’t like the animal people. But not everything is as it seems in Anima City, and she teams up with the wolf person, Ogami Shiro, to find answers — thus getting caught up in something way bigger and stranger than she ever expected.

First off, if you’ve been missing the crazy and cartoonish animation from Trigger’s earlier stuff, then you’re in for a treat. This has an undeniable Kill la Kill vibe, but with Promare’s amazing popping colors and backgrounds.

If you want to say it’s another animal show, like Beastars and Zootopia, go ahead. Let’s just get that out of the way.

Moving on, Michiru escapes to Anima City, expecting it to be a place where all the animal people can live freely and be themselves. But it turned out to be a free-for-all, strongest wins type of society, where animal people are quick to betray their own kind for their own personal gain. And even side with the humans who discriminated them in the first place.

Michiru’s character will probably be a hit or miss for most people. Some might find her annoying, others charming and endearing. I like her, as I tend to like these types of characters.

But I think what’s great, is that she gets challenged. Her ideas and beliefs about both the animal people and humans are put to the test, and her suddenly becoming an animal person herself means that she’s in a unique position of being able to understand both sides. But she’s also still an outsider, and she finds that maybe neither side was really quite like what she once believed. And so, her place in either side of society will come into question for her. There’s a lot to dig into here, and I’ll probably make separate posts for BNA alone later on.

If you like Trigger, watch it. It’s probably more of a mix between Gridman and Promare than it is Kill la Kill, despite sharing many animation similarities (even a certain sports match that’s basically torn right out of Kill la Kill). If you want something that’s a little more different and subtle and intriguing than their usual works, then this is for you. If you liked Beastars, give this one a try too.

Some Extras

--that I wanted to add to this list, but I’ll just briefly put them here so this post doesn’t get any longer:

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

Shironeko Project: Zero Chronicle

Listeners

If there’s more you think I missed, feel free to put ‘em in the replies!

Upcoming Essays:

Analysis on Orb Scene in Tower of God Episode 1

Navigating the numerous Fantasy-Adventure genre anime of the Spring 2020 Season

Various BNA essays (I’ve seen episodes 1-6 already, will be tagged for spoilers)

Gal to Kyouryuu Theories

Maybe something Fate related, it’s my recent obsession

[anarcoqueer1994]

Bowling Confessions

A short follow up follow up fic to "Don't Let Me Go." Also note you are valid regardless whether you pass or not. Also, if you need anyone to talk to, I am here and my inbox is open.

TJ couldn't believe what had happened today. It was 2am and he knew he should be asleep but just couldn't. If you had asked him 24 hours ago if today's simple day of sledding would of ended with him getting his first boyfriend, he would have laughed in your face. He never imagined that Cyrus would like him back. But not only had Cyrus told him he liked him as much as he liked Cyrus, but Cyrus now knew he was trans and that didn't change anything in his eyes. He still loved him. To say TJ was relieved, was an understatement. All he has ever wanted was to be treated like any other guy. He knew it shouldn't matter if your cis or not, but also knew not everyone thought that way. Even people who are supposedly "allies" often misgendered trans folks without meaning too. That's why it meant so much to TJ that Cyrus saw him as a boy even after finding out his secret. 

But that's also the reason he still did not want to tell their other friends quite yet. He was still nervous about how they may react. Sure they almost immediately went downstairs and told everyone they were dating but that was easy. (Well except for Buffy pulling him aside to personally kick his ass if he ever hurts Cyrus.) It was easy because he was pretty sure everyone in that room was a little queer. He knew his sister, Amber, was a lesbian, having only dated Jonah out of some misguided internalized homophobia. Andi was pan and so into his sister. Jonah and Buffy were bi kids all the way. So yeah, telling them that hey he was gay and dating Cyrus was a piece of cake. But telling them he was trans was way scarier, and luckily Cyrus would never push him to tell when he was not ready.

There is one issue though, someone in that room earlier, other than Cyrus and Amber, knew TJ was trans; Marty. Marty was the person in the group that he knew the least about. Up until a month ago, he didn't even know who Marty was.(Apparently they were in some classes together but he doesn't remember him.) He is pretty sure Marty is a straight, cis boy but pretty harmless. But that straight, cis boy was also the person who walked in on him in the bathroom while he was changing. This is the boy who now knew he was trans. 

Sure, Marty was respectful enough not to out him but TJ had taken note of how much more quiet Marty was the rest of the day. He also noticed Marty staring at him from time to time. He may be over thinking it but he can't help but be worried. What if Marty doesn't feel comfortable around him and it makes hanging out Cyrus' friends weird? 

TJ sighs in annoyance at himself. Why is he wasting his night obsessing over this? He has better things to think about, like the fact that before leaving Cyrus' house, the shorter boy asked to take hm on a date tomorrow...err...later today at this point.

Ugh , he thinks to himself, as he looks to the clock. 3am. He needs to sleep. So he throws a pillow over his head in a desperate attempt to subdue his own racing thoughts. Eventually exhaustion wins out, and he drifts asleep.

**************

It's about 4pm later that day, and TJ is waiting anxiously for Cyrus. They are supposed to meet at The Spoon for their first official date. Sure they have been to this same restaurant hundreds of times before but this time felt new, and exciting, and scary, all at once. He wanted today to go perfect. He spent two hours changing his outfit to find "the perfect date look." Amber also convinced him that Cyrus would like his hair with no gel. She may have also slipped in there the fact that Andi mentioned to her that Cyrus really likes TJ in his glasses, the glasses he only wears around the house typically. 

So here he was, in the middle of the diner, with his hair falling way more freely than he prefers and his dorky glasses on his face. He doesn't feel the most confident in how he looks right now. But he needs today to go well. So he is trying out his look. Part of him was nervous because what if yesterday was a fluke? What if Cyrus got there and realized this was all a mistake?

Every single one of those worries melt away when he sees Cyrus walk through the door. The moment Cyrus sets eyes on him, the brunette's face lights up. The way Cyrus stares at him makes TJ's face heat up in a deep red blush. Why or how Cyrus can make him feel so soft is a mystery to him but it can't be stopped. Cyrus walks to the table and stands for a moment in what looks to be awe. 

"You look so…" The brown eyed boy's voice breaks the silence. He kneads his lower lip trying to find the best word to describe how he thought TJ looked. Cute? No that was too soft. Beautiful? Not quite the right word either. He finally decides on the word. "Handsome." It was the right mix of affectionate and distinguished.

 Without thinking Cyrur runs his fingers through TJ's hair as he keeps standing by the edge of the table. "I really like your hair. It's so soft. Not that I don't  like it other times though…" Cyrus backtracks, turning slightly red himself for putting his foot in his mouth. "It's just that I like that I can touch it without feeling the gel. And I like your glasses, you look so...I'm sorry if I am saying the wrong things. I'm just nervous you know and I really like you and I think you look so good..and…you smell good, like citrus and...

TJ smiles to himself listening to his boyfriend rambling. He finally grabs Cyrus' hand and pulls him onto the booth bench next to him, before placing a small kiss on the boy's cheek that suddenly leaves him speechless. TJ takes the moment of quiet to say "I think you look pretty good, too, muffin.

"Thanks Teej…" Cyrus replies before settling against TJ as TJ casually wraps his arm around Cyrus' shoulders. As they sat and talked and ate it felt like neither boy can remember being nervous. Sitting like this feels like they should of been doing this all along. It felt natural to sit so close, enjoying each other's company.

*************

When they finished  another renowned rendition of baby tater theater, followed closely by actually eating said baby taters, TJ asked "So what else do you have planned, underdog?"

"Nothing crazy. Buffy invited us to go bowling with her and Marty. Andi has family stuff going on so it would just be the 4 of us. It could be fun." Cyrus notices TJ's face change. It clouds over with what looks like worry. "Or we don't have to, sweetie…we can go to the park or something. "

"No Cy, I want to go. It is fine. I promise."

"Tell your face that then…" Cyrus says half jokingly. "What's up, my not-so-scary basketball guy?"

"It is nothing…" TJ says but knows he does not sound so convincing.

"Let's not start off this relationship with you lying to me. What is it?"

"I'm scared, okay?" TJ replies quietly.

"Of what?" Cyrus lowers his voice to match TJ's.

TJ takes in a deep breath like the air is suddenly heavier. It always feels heavier whenever he talks about his trans identity. It feels like if he says the wrong thing, he could mess something up. Sometimes it felt like he had to work harder than everyone else just to exist. Every once in awhile he wishes someone else he knew was going through this. 

As he thinks about this, Cyrus can see the distress on his face. Cyrus says, "You don't have to tell me, TJ… its okay. " Cyrus  smiles.

TJ returns the gesture with a weak smile. "No I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything all the time, actually. Its...its  Marty. He is the one who walked in on me yesterday, remember? And he was staring at me yesterday the entire time after that. I don't know if he is comfortable with me."

Cyrus reaches for TJ's free hand. "Like I said, we don't  have to go.'

"No we are going to go. I'm just nervous." TJ says in a soft voice, he barely recognizes as his own.

"To be honest, I don't know too much about Marty so I can't speak for him but I know Buffy. She really likes Marty and I can't see her being with someone who would treat you differently for something like being trans." Cyrus keeps his voice down so he doesn't bring unwanted attention to the green eyed boy.

TJ gives his boyfriend a small, unsure smile.  "I guess you are right…"

"Plus I will be with you the entire time." Cyrus says with a wide grin that TJ can't help but mirror. Maybe this will be okay TJ thinks to himself.

***********

Boy was he wrong. From the moment TJ and Cyrus arrived at the bowling alley, it seemed like all Marty could do was stare at TJ. TJ would catch Marty eyeing him up and down, like he was trying to figure something out. It got to the point where even Cyrus noticed it, prompting him to wrap his arm around TJ's shoulder, almost like he was trying to protect him. 

Amazingly Buffy did not seem to notice. Cyrus really wanted to tell Buffy so she could talk some sense into this guy she likes so much. But telling her would be outing TJ so that was out of the question. So those two just keep up their banter, albeit Marty being a bit distracted.

TJ meanwhile tried to focus on Cyrus. He was trying to keep distracted from the blatant stares that bore into him. It is hard though. Even with the bumbers up, (at Cyrus' request) he was not doing well. All he could think about was how uncomfortable Marty is making him feel. He didn't do anything to deserve to feel like a freak on display. Finally when Buffy gets up to grab some food, TJ pulls away from Cyrus and walks up to Marty.

"Can we talk, over there?" TJ's voice comes out more abrasive than he intended as he points to an empty corner of the alley.

"Uh, yeah, sure man." Marty says in a voice that seems riddled with anxiety.

TJ leads the way to the corner of the room. As he passes Cyrus he hears him say "I'm here if you need anything." TJ blushes at those simple words as he continues to walk away. 

When they finally get to a secluded spot, TJ clears his throat and Marty looks at him. This is probably the first one on one conversation they have ever had. "So what is your deal?"

"What do you mean?" Marty asks as he looks to the floor.

"You know what I mean. You haven't stopped starring since you walked in on me yesterday. Is it because you know I'm...I'm trans?"

Marty looks up. He looks so insure. He says "Of course not, actually yea." TJ's eyes look hurt and angry at the same time. Before he can say anything else Marty continues. "But not in the way you think.'

"Oh so you aren't staring at me because you think I'm weird and a freak?" TJ says sarcastically. He is used to assuming the worst so that doesn't seem like a stretch.

"No! Of course not!"

"Then why have you been staring at me?!" He says in a hushed yell. Then he pauses. He notices the look of sadness and fear in the other boy's face. He recognizes that look from his own mirror. His voice softens "Hey man, are you okay?"

Marty shakes his head as his breathe catch as he tries to speak. After a long couple seconds, he chokes out, "I was staring because I couldn't actually believe their was another guy at school like me. I've been trying to figure out if it was all my imagination. I'm...I'm sorry if I made you feel weird."

"Wait…" TJ says in disbelief. "Did you say 'Guy at school like you?' as in...as in you're trans?" 

"Yea, I am." Marty gives a half smile.

"How did I not know this before?" 

"The same reason that no one knows about you. Sometimes if you manage to pass, it is way easier not to go around announcing your trans."

TJ huffs at his own dumb question. "I guess you are right."

Suddenly the world around TJ felt lighter. There was now another person he could confide in that probably understood this aspect of his life better than anyone else. He is suddenly glad his boyfriend brought him here.

"Can I ask you a question?" Marty says interrupting his thoughts.

"Yea, anything."

"How do you get your voice to sound so good? I catch mine cracking all the time and I am so worried is going to give me away."

TJ cracks a small smile. "My mom is a piano teacher and she understands all this pitch and tone stuff. It sounds dumb, but she helps me."

Marty frowns and TJ is worried he said something wrong. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you didn't. Not at all. Um, did you say your mom helps you? She knows?"

"Well yea, it would be hard to hide something like this." TJ says matter-of-factly. Marty knows too well it is hard to hide something like this.

"She supports you?" Marty continues to question.

"Yea, since I was little. So does my dad."

Marty looks away. "That must be nice."

TJ puts his hand on the other boy's shoulder as they stand across from each other. "I take it your parents aren't the most supportive?"

"Not really. My dad barely talks to me and my mom refuses to address me by anything but my dead name. Sometimes the teachers at school are more supportive than my own parents. At least they call me Marty." Marty looks devastated as he continues. TJ just let's the other boy get it out. "And it's hard you know? Like the one binder I saved up and bought, my mom found and threw out. So most of the time, I'm stuck with bandages and sports bras. And like I can't have friends over because my parents would out me. What if that's how Buffy finds out? I really like her and I can't even bring her to my house, without being forced out to her. I just...wish they would stop treating me like a bad daughter and start being proud of son they have. Like, come on, I am the fastest guy in school ...why don't they care, you know? Why don't they care about me."

TJ's heart broke for Marty. He suddenly felt 100x more thankful for his parents. He sat in quiet with the other boy for a while. After a bit TJ breaks the silence. "I'm sorry about your parents. You don't deserve that. But I can say for 100% sure if Buffy were to ever find out, she would not care. Anyone can see how much she cares about you.

"Yea, and I'm going to tell her but not today."

"Okay." TJ says simply. This is Marty's truth to tell on his time.

After a few more minutes, they walk back over to their awaiting friends. As TJ settles back into Cyrus' side, the shorter boy says "Everything okay?"

"Yea, everything is fine." He smiles and Cyrus doesn't push for more. The rest of the evening is a lot of fun. TJ's life could not be better. He has a cute boyfriend that he loves and so many great friends, now. Sometime soon he thinks he will tell the rest of them his truth.

That night after he and Cyrus spend too much time on the porch saying goodnight, he slips into his house. His mom sits on the couch watching an old movie. He simply sits down beside her, hugs her and whispers "Thanks mom."

Thanks for reading and thank you to @kippens-a-goodman for the idea to add Marty in!

[korinsu-t-blog]

May 25 // Imperial Palace + Yasukuni Shrine

Uneventful but hot day today. After the disaster that was the Fuji trip, I think most of the Lime crew were just happy to have an easy(er) day. I got to wake up at 9 today, which was pretty nice.

The Imperial Palace was a little disappointing, despite how big it was (5KM circumference in the direct center of Tokyo, a landspace that once had a value higher than the entire state of California combined). Back in it’s heyday it must have really been something, but most of the space inside the first wall had been leveled out and left as open gravel. There were moats and tall stone walls making subsequent wall layers, but not being able to go inside was a little disappointing. We did get to muse around in the gardens though, which was a good diversion. The gardens were really beautiful, and there was a square wishing well sequestered away deep within the garden that not too many people found. We also heard a Kendo training match going down behind some walls further in the palace which was neat- they shout like tennis players whenever they swing, part of channeling their energy or something to intimidate and challenge their opponent on the mental field.

The whole palace dynamics, the Shogun and Daimyo, are things I’ve really enjoyed learning about. In some ways it can be compared to the history of Feudal Kings in Europe, but it’s also quite different. The Shogun, who deposed the reigning emperor, relegated control of individual territories to his twelve generals, the Daimyo. Some were more loyal than others and some were more pure of blood, but all of them routinely had to journey to Tokyo with a massive retinue to pay respects to the Shogun at his palace at least once a year. The soldiers of a Daimyo would stay in barracks just inside the walls, living with the Shogun’s people and soldiers while the Daimyo himself went in further with nothing more than a token honor guard to confer with the Shogun. The politics of the different factions, in addition to the emperor and his eventual return to power, are very interesting to me.

After the Imperial Palace was the Yasukuni Shrine, which I talked more about later. Basically, it’s a place where warriors from WW2 were enshrined, very analogous to Arlington Cemetery. It’s a culturally significant place to a huge degree, but not much going on there besides paying respects.

Post Yasukuni we were left to our own devices. The Lime gang went to get udon (thicc noodles served in broth, I got mine with tenpura chicken), then hopped a train home to work on blogs and stuff. After that we left for Shibuya to go shopping, got a whole lot of nothing done while wandering around in crowds at least twice as packed as our last visit (the scramble crossing was insane, thousands of people), and generally just wasted time until we came back to our home block and ate curry. No luck finding a place that sells robes, but I did google one back in Harajuku, so I’ll be dipping back there in the future to see if I can pick up a happi or yukata.

[Tokyo Station, where we got off in the morning. It’s really hard to describe how massive some of the buildings in Japan are, especially when the residential areas are so crammed and small. It’s like there’s no in between: either it’s huge open spaces, or it’s deep urban.]

[One of the skyscrapers across from the station. You can see that greenery is still everpresent in the city.]

[The second layer of the Imperial Palace is right over that bridge. There’s a gatehouse with slits to fire projectile weapons from, though they haven’t seen use in ages.]

[A view of the outer moat.]

[The Imperial Gardens. You can see the Tokyo skyline in the background, but the garden is amazingly silent and tranquil. I don’t know how they did it.]

[The wishing well, located deep in a secluded corner of the garden. I washed my bad-luck rock here, hopefully that was enough to purify it.]

[One final picture of the gardens from higher up on a waterfall.]

[The gates of Yasukuni shrine- again, absolutely massive. These gates always signify that you are entering a sacred site, much like how the spirit rope signifies a particular small place where a kami or spirit resides or passes through.]

[The gates of the Yasukuni shrine, emblazoned with the crest of the emperor: a chrysanthemum blossom.]

[Today’s bad candid is Rebecca, a DAS major and member of the Onlime gang. This one was taken in rush hour, we were all crammed into the train with a bajillion other people and just trying not to lose our group.]

====

Reading review:

Today’s readings had a lot to talk about the conservative Japanese movement (a little more nationalistic than their country’s current anti-nationalist stance), which looks to move Japan closer to the standards of national pride that countries like America exhibit on the regular. One of the major confluxes of problems for the conservative movement comes from locations like the Yasukuni shrine; a place where 2.5 million warriors are enshrined. Included with these men are 14 Class A war criminals from WW2- this makes visits by the Prime Minister extremely problematic from a public standpoint. To visit the shrine is to call back and even honor the people that Japan has culturally and societally denounced ever since WW2, but at the same time, it’s like the President visiting Arlington Cemetery. Not being able to publicly pay respects to their dead without getting major flak from China, Korea, the US, etc. must be a pretty disheartening thing. That, combined with the massive post-war somewhat foreign-enforced culture of “do not be proud to be Japanese, nor of your country’s accomplishments” has certainly left a lasting impact in the people. There are no flags in the streets, no pride in the country, and no soft nationalism like American citizens so freely celebrate in their own country.

It makes it interesting then, when foreign powers constantly take a dump over Japan diplomatically whenever they do something to acknowledge their war dead- especially Americans. Like I said a few days ago, the parallels in Japanese and American society are extremely aligned; and to an extent they have historically faced similar problems. Honoring the dead- all of them- is much like the American people honoring Andrew Jackson by plastering his face on the five dollar bill. Jackson still did terrible things, but no one is giving Americans flak for keeping up statues and such in his name. I think there’s a lot of room for Japan to expand in terms of national pride, but massive internal and external pressure is preventing its people from truly regaining their sense of national pride for fear of becoming what they once were. It’s sad to see these people having to play a close game of shunning their past while also paying respects where they can, for fear of being called out by foreign enemies or overbearing powers-that-be.

[inazuma-art]

Why my favorite characters are my favorite characters and what makes them special to me:

For whoever is interested in this, read on! This is a pretty big rant and it also contains a lot of personal stuff so, I know a lot of you won’t be interested in reading this, that’s why I’m just gonna continue under the cut.

My favorite characters have changed over the years, so I’m gonna start with the one who was the very first!

Fubuki Shirou

So, Fubuki is a very likable character from the very start. He’s badass, kind but also very mysterious. During the arc where he is introduced you get to know him better, and that’s when he became my favorite actually. The show very clearly describes that he is mentally ill but what is also very important is that he is lonely.

The first time I watched Inazuma Eleven I really related to him because of that last thing. I didn’t have friends and was alone most of the time in school, it sounds stupid and dramatic but you all know that kid that doesn’t really socialize with anyone or maybe that’s you, well around that time that was me as well.

The great thing was, and I still find it crazy that it happened till this day, when I came around to watch the episodes where the match against The Genesis is happening I went to a new school. And right from the very first day, I had friends! And I remember thinking it was crazy how I had just watched my favorite character realizing he wasn’t alone anymore and the same thing happening to me just a day after I saw it! Fubuki isn’t my main favorite character anymore, but he still holds a spot in my heart because of it.

Second up, the one I know that I will relate to till the very end of times.

Midorikawa Ryuuji

In the FFI arc we get to know the real Midorikawa and the show made it very clear what kind of character he is, what he struggles with and so on. His biggest struggle at that time in the show was not being good enough for the team, feeling the need to show off every time because he was insecure about his own abilities. (He was amazingly blessed with Hiroto as a friend)

More about me: I have done field hockey for over 10 years. I’ve been the worst player, the best or just an average one on my team throughout the years. I’ve played many different positions and learned a lot of things, made amazing friends that I hope are for life and much more. I played at the biggest club of the country, the amount of teams they had in my age group went up to over 12 teams. Team 1 ranking the best and the team with the highest number the worst. Team 1 to 3 were called ‘the selection’ and if you were a part of them you belonged to the best players of your age group of the entire club. So making it to the selection was a big accomplishment, especially when you played at the most well known club of the country.

Mostly in my younger years I was always in team 3 and didn’t really have to worry about anything, until they dropped me to team 4. It was one of the most frustrating moments ever because my entire family had a history of being in the selection, my brother was a part of it as well and knowing that you are this close to being one of the best, to being good enough, it’s the worst feeling ever! Whenever they were short on players they’d invite me to play for team 3, so I wasn’t good enough to play for them normally, but only when they needed the extra player.

Whenever the year was over they would divide all the players of your age group into 3 groups again, group 3 being the worst and ‘the selection group’ being the first and best. Now why is this relevant? At the end of each year I spent in team 4 they would call me and say “Your plays look amazing! You can join the selection group and we’ll see if you can join us next year!” I was ecstatic after receiving the call, knowing that I could play with the best people again.

But whenever the results came in of in which team you would be a part of the upcoming year, I saw the number 4. And each time I was remembered of the fact that I just wasn’t good enough. I could keep up with those people, I could score against them, stop their attacks, but I wasn’t good enough to be a part of them. So I completely related to Midorikawa’s character when he was first introduced as Midorikawa instead of Reize. Not everyone gets to have their happy ending, because when people do they forget that there are people whose dreams get shattered.

Eventually, I found my place in team 4 with an amazing coach and teammates that made a huge difference to me. It’s because they made me forget about wanting to be the best, to be a part of the selection, they made me realize that it was so much more fun to play with these people that understood me and that I could play freely with. I never felt the pressure ever again to perform well and to show off because they made me forget about the selection and I could just have fun while playing my hockey with my team.

I don’t think I’ve ever related more to any fictional character than Midorikawa Ryuuji and I am super thankful that Inazuma Eleven included a character like him.

One of the last but not least:

Fei Rune

Oh, Fei means so much to me. He too, starts off as a mystery to every watcher of the show and again he’s awesome, kind and likable. Fei was abandoned by his father as a child, leaving him to grow up on his own. He is also lonely. He hides his pain behind a strong and cheerful facade, and he pushes through any hardship because he doesn’t want to open up or be seen as weak.

I was definitely not abandoned as a kid, my parents are the best actually. Although in my younger years they weren’t at home very much and I had a hard time getting to know them as people, all of that is fine today even when my relationship with my father can be rocky sometimes. Like I explained in the part about Fubuki I know loneliness like no other. I believe loneliness is one of the worst things an individual can feel, and I hope that if you don’t relate to the feeling you never will.

But Fei doesn’t want to share his feelings or wants others to see him as weak. Me. So me. I’ve always thought that crying in front of others is stupid while in fact it isn’t stupid at all, it’s completely normal to feel emotions but I always thought (and still kind of do) it’s a sign of weakness for myself whereas I don’t think it’s stupid at all when I see others cry. I dislike sharing my thoughts or feelings with others as well, it’s probably because I’m scared they’ll use it against me in some way possible. And I have great friends who I can trust, so only a single individual in the world (or two) know everything about me.

However, Fei also encouraged me. Other than relating to the characters like before, Fei inspired me. He’s mature for his age and throughout his story he learns to forgive, he pulls himself through any hardship he encounters and something also very important: he never gives up. And I know there are a lot of characters who have the same mentality, but Fei was the only one who managed to get that message through to me and I’m thankful for it.

This guy is gonna end this way too huge post right here.

Fudou Akio

And yes guys, I relate with this guy even from his crazy Teikoku days. I know a lot of fans like him bc he’s an ass and honestly same but I could actually really understand where he was coming from. He wanted power, to get back at people and with that especially the ones who hurt his family. Now this is actually a thing that his mother told him to do, you could call it some family pressure or whatever or a thing he just misunderstood in a way.

Now, I know all about family pressure and shit- it’s why Kidou is also relatable to me but I’m not a genius so he isn’t on my list (no jk there are more than enough other reasons for it that I'm not gonna go into detail for). Anyhow, like I mentioned before when talking about Midorikawa, my family had always been successful in the hockey world. My mom is a former world champion, my cousins both compete on national level and my brother as well. So I always felt like I needed to be good as well, I needed to be strong because I felt like I owed it to my family. Other than that I wanted to be a stronger and better player to get back at the people that called me a bad hockey player in the past (I actually succeeded once but it didn’t last long).

So I get where his want for strength comes from. He’s also an ass which is less relatable although I get where he comes from with that behavior as well, cause he thinks that almost everyone is an enemy. Relatable? Yeah, everyone on the entire club was my enemy when I was still trying to make it to the selection. Luckily I passed those days long ago just like Fudou’s character has.

I feel like he has been a bit misunderstood throughout the entire show actually, not saying that I know everything but it’s just what I think.

And that sums up why my favorite characters are special to me and why. They’re relatable to me and helped my through difficult times. I don’t care if Inazuma is a kids show, the characters will forever be in my heart!

[johnhardinsawyer]

Favorable Conditions

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

10 / 22 / 17

Exodus 33:12-23

Psalm 99

“Favorable Conditions”[1]

(Into the Unknown – Part 7)

How are you feeling right now – about your life and the life of the world?  When you turn on the news, are things going favorably or not?  Seven months into a global pandemic and nearly forty-eight months into a presidential election, are you overwhelmed with positive feelings or. . .  other feelings?

Three years ago, in October of 2017, I preached on today’s story from the Book of Exodus, and I started the sermon by saying, “Two-thirds of Americans are stressed about the future. . .”[2]  This was part of a finding by the American Psychological Association.  Actually, the study said that “Two-thirds of Americans [regardless of political affiliation] are stressed about the future of the nation” and that the nation’s “stress index” – yes, apparently we have one of those – had its largest significant increase since the stress index was invented.  Now, I don’t believe that the American Psychological Association published this report just to drum up business.  Groups like that typically don’t play fast and loose with studies like this.  But I asked a licensed counselor back in 2017 how business was going and he said that it was booming.[3]  It still is.  At one point, in 2017, someone said to me, “You know. . . just about everybody I know seems to be having a hard time right now.”  People were anxious – stressed – about all kinds of things:  life, money, the country, the world, and the future.  If only we knew then what we know now. . .

Remember, all that was three years ago.  And, it would seem that things haven’t gotten much better in terms of people feeling stressed.  Back in July[4] of this year – 2020 –  76% of Democrats and 67% of Republicans polled by the American Psychological Association were feeling stress because of the amount of uncertainty in our nation.  A lot of this was being driven by the political climate.  And there is still so much that is unknown.  So, how are you feeling right now?  It’s like we’re all wandering around in the wilderness – not sure of what is coming next.          

Feeling stress about the unknown is not a new thing.  In today’s reading from the Book of Exodus, we find that Moses is stressed.  You might remember from last week that the Israelites were out in the wilderness and they were anxious because Moses had gone up a mountain to supposedly talk with God.  But Moses hadn’t been seen in quite some time and they thought he was dead, so they made an idol – a golden calf – and they bowed down to worship it.  Needless to say, the Lord was not pleased by this.  There was some punishment – a plague.  People died.[5]  And then the Lord told the people to go away – to leave for the so-called “Promised Land”:

“It’s a land flowing with milk and honey,” the Lord said.  “But I won’t be with you in person lest I destroy you on the journey.  You’re such a stubborn, hard-headed people!”  When the people heard this harsh verdict, they were plunged into gloom and wore long faces.[6]

No one’s face was longer and gloomier than Moses.  In today’s reading, Moses is having a full-blown crisis of self-doubt and anxiety and he has a conversation with God that is one of the most honest and blunt conversations recorded in the Bible.  I am paraphrasing here, but Moses says:

“Look, Lord, you have asked me to do this job – to lead your people to the land you promised – but now I’m not sure if you’re still going to help me do this.  We are your people, Lord.  If you don’t go with us, then don’t trouble yourself anymore with us.  You say we are your ‘chosen people.’  Your love for us – your promise to us – is what sets us apart from everyone else on earth.  But how will anyone else know that you love your people if you don’t come with us? ”[7]  “Are you going to be with us, God?  Are you going to be with me?”

This is the question asked by people of faith in times of uncertainty and hardship – during things like pandemics and long wilderness journeys – especially if you are Moses and are about to set out from a place where you know God is –  a place where you have been talking with God for days on end – and are headed into the miles and miles of bleak desert that lie between Mount Sinai and the Promised Land with thousands of people who may or may not like you, or trust you, or want to follow you.  There will be enemies on every side.  There will be heat and thirst and even death.  So, if you’re going to go out into the wilderness, it would be nice to have God go with you, wouldn’t it?

The Bible talks a lot about the wilderness.  Most of the biggest names in the Bible – from Abraham to David to Jesus – spend time out there.  The wilderness is a place of struggle and worry, a place of challenge and change, a place where you cannot rely on anyone or anything, except God.  If God isn’t going to go with you, then you’re sunk.  The wilderness is an in-between place and time.  You are coming from one certain place and are going toward another place that you’re hoping for.  But in the meantime, you are in neither place and the uncertainty of where you are can be very frightening.  

Sometimes, we are tempted to go back to where we came from – back to an old job or relationship or place – tempted to find some certainty, even if it’s bad, just to get out of the wilderness.  The Israelites were always remembering how “good” they had it back when they were slaves in Egypt, when they were asked to make too many bricks with too little material, and they were regularly beaten by their slave masters, and if they had any baby boys, their sons would be killed.  But at least things were predictable back in Egypt.  At least they knew what to expect.

Out in the wilderness, you don’t know what to expect.  And, at times like this, it is perfectly reasonable to wonder if God is with you.

Moses knows what is facing him and his people.  So he asks, “Are you going to go with me, God?  I really need to know.”  And then, God says,

Moses, my presence [my person, my face][8] will go with you, and I will give you rest [a resting place][9]. . .  I will do the very thing that you have asked; for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name.  (Exodus 33:14, 17)

The word that God uses, here – to find “favor” – is, in the original language, our word for “grace.”[10]

You know what “grace” is, right?  To be loved with a love that you do not deserve, to be shown unmerited favor that you cannot earn and you cannot repay.  Grace is a gift – given freely.  It is precious and mysterious – beyond us, and yet, at work within us.  And God gives this gift to us, and to Moses, and to all who turn to God in hope and faith, no matter how frail and fragile and failing that hope and faith might be.  One of the amazingly gracious things about God is the same gift of grace is lovingly and generously offered even to people who don’t turn to God in hope and faith.  God is just that gracious. . .  

Now, after all of Moses’ doubts and questions, you would think that the promise of God’s grace would help him breathe a sigh of relief.  God says that God will go with him, after all.  But Moses wants to make sure.  After all that God has done for Moses – all of the proof God has given (the burning bush, the plagues in Egypt, the crossing of the Red Sea, the destruction of the Egyptian army, the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night that the people follow, manna to eat every morning and birds to eat every night, water that flows from a rock when the people are thirsty, not to mention all of the time that Moses has spent one-on-one with God, talking) – Moses still wants more proof.  And so, he asks if he can see God with his own eyes.  “Show me your glory, I pray,” (33:18) Moses says.  And, I don’t know why God does this, but God says, “Okay, Moses. . .  Just this once, I’ll give you exactly what you want.  If you want to see me – if you want some kind of sign – I’ll show you.”  Now, God’s face – God’s presence – is so powerful that Moses can’t even look at it.  The full presence of God would kill him.  So God has to protect Moses by only giving Moses a glimpse of who God really is.  The story is a strange one – Moses hides behind some rocks and is able to glimpse God’s backside.[11]  But he is able to see God – to know that God is there.

What about us?  Do we need to “see” God to know that God is there?  Are we able to see God at all?  We do not live in a time and place where God speaks clearly out of a burning bush or leads us everywhere with a pillar of fire.  God isn’t speaking to us the way God spoke to Moses.  Instead, we have to take it on faith, and for many of us, our faith is challenged and tested, especially in wilderness times, stressful times – pandemic times – times filled with unknowns and uncertainties.  And so we want some kind of sign that God is there.

The good news is that God has given us far more than just a sign.  God has sent God’s own self.  God sends us Jesus – “God-with-us” – and, through him, have come to know what God’s grace – God’s loving favor – looks like:  Jesus, who came to bring good news to the poor, and sight to the blind, to feed the hungry, welcome the stranger, heal the sick, calm the storm, forgive the sinner, welcome the prodigal, love the unlovable, die for the ungodly (even for us), and rise again for the life of the world. . .  Jesus, whom we see on the face and in the heart and soul of every living person. . .  Jesus, who saves us and knows us and calls us by name.

You know, it’s been over three years since that report about stress was published and I wish I could say that Americans are no longer stressed about anything.  But I know that’s not true.  

Believe me.  I.  Know.

There are days when the world looks bleak and life feels like the wilderness, even when you are a pastor.  But there is no wilderness that is so remote or frightening where God will not seek us out or choose again and again to be with us.  And, because of the wondrous favor of God, glimpses of the Holy can be an everyday occurrence, even out in the wilderness.  It is out in the wilderness – whatever our wilderness might be – where God has the ability to open our eyes to the reality that the Holy is really everywhere you look.

God is revealed to each of us in tiny glimpses and things remembered, in exuberant singing and full-bodied revelations, in times of great grief and times of great joy, in times of total surprise and times that are completely mundane, but filled with so much grace – a gift, a touch, a smile, a word, a song, light, and hope, and love, and peace.  And God is in all of it.  God is in all things – seen and unseen.  The Holy is in all of it.  May God grant us eyes to see, and ears to hear, and hearts and minds and souls to know. . .

May you live, trusting in the gracious mercy of the One who made you, the One who calls you by name, the One who is always with you – even. . . especially. . . out in the wilderness.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

------

[1] Using material from a sermon preached on October 22, 2017 called, “Are You There, God?  It’s Me. . .”

[2] http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/02/stressed-nation.aspx.

[3] D.R., October 17, 2017.

[4] https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2020/report-july.

[5] See Exodus 32.

[6] Eugene Peterson, The Message – Numbered Edition (Colorado Springs:  NAV Press, 2002) 122.  Reconfigured for the spoken word.  Exodus 33:3-4.

[7] Exodus 33:12-13, 15-16, paraphrased JHS.

[8] F. Brown, S. Driver, and C. Briggs, The Brown Driver Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (Peabody:  Hendrickson Publishers, 1997) 815.

[9] Brown, Driver, and Briggs, 628.

[10] Brown-Driver-Briggs, 336.

[11] Brown, Driver, and Briggs, 30.  The word can be translated, “hinder side, back parts, or behind.”

[howtechpress-blog]

ARM's new Cortex A7 is carefully fit for Android superphones ARM's most recent CPU, the A7, is the consequence of ARM's investigation of how the Android OS.

On Wednesday, ARM formally disclosed its cutting edge cell phone processor, the Cortex A7, codenamed "Kingfisher." But there was a great deal more to the A7′s dispatch than simply the uncovering of another processor design for cell phones. The chip organization likewise declared arrangements to combine the A7 with the considerably bigger and all the more capable Cortex A15 in telephones and tablets, utilizing a system called heterogeneous multiprocessing (or "big.LITTLE," as ARM likes to call it) to powerfully move lighter workloads from the bigger, more eager for power A15 to the less fatty A7 keeping in mind the end goal to augment portable battery life.

At the point when utilized as a part of a double center setup, the A7 will bring the execution attributes of what is at present a $500 telephone to the $100 "highlight telephones" of 2013. These future element telephones will have an indistinguishable capacities from today's top of the line cell phones, yet they'll have the low costs and long battery life that the component telephone advertise requests. For the top of the line "superphones" and tablets of 2013, the A7 will be matched with the considerably bigger and all the more capable A15 center to yield a processor that tastes control like an element telephone when everything you're doing is some light Web surfing, yet can wrench up the juice when you're gaming.

The Cortex A7

ARM guarantees that the A7 will twofold the execution of its current Cortex A8 family through a mix of process psychologists and upgrades at the level of microarchitecture. Or, on the other hand, as ARM processor division boss Mike Inglis put it at the dispatch occasion, "Outpacing Moore's Law with microarchitectural development is what we've been really going after with A7 as an item." Though Inglis never said this particularly, I discovered that we can really say thanks to Google's "open" cell phone OS, Android, for some of that advancement.

The A7's outline changes over the more established A8 center are conceivable on the grounds that ARM has had the previous three years to precisely examine how the Android OS utilizes existing ARM contributes the course of typical utilization. Subside Greenhalgh, the chip planner behind the A7's outline, revealed to me that his group did nitty gritty profiling keeping in mind the end goal to learn precisely how distinctive applications and parts of the Android OS stretch the CPU, with the outcome that the group could plan the A7 to fit the necessities and attributes of true cell phones. So it might be said, the A7 is the main CPU that is truly carefully fit for Android, in spite of the fact that those same microarchitectural advancements will profit whatever other cell phone OS that uses the design.The abnormal state piece graph for the A7 discharged at the occasion uncovers an all together plan with a 8-organize number pipeline. At the front of the pipeline, ARM has included three predecode stages, so that the guidelines in the L1 are properly increased before they go into the decipher stage. Greenhalgh revealed to me that A7 has amazingly weighty branch expectation assets for an outline this lean, so I'm speculating that the predecode stage includes labeling the branches and doing other work to eliminate mispredicts.

(Take note of that branch forecast is one of the best places to spend transistor assets where you get significantly enhanced execution as well as enhanced power proficiency. The energy of branch forecast for boosting execution/watt was one of the real disclosures that Intel's Banias (Pentium M) group initially conveyed to the Intel product offering. So it bodes well that the A7 has gone hard and fast here.)

After the decipher stage, two directions for each burn can issue through one of five issue ports to the machine's execution center. This execution center comprises of a hilter kilter whole number math rationale unit (ALU), where one pipe is a full ALU and the other is restricted to less difficult operations. There's likewise an increase pipe for complex number operations, a coasting point NEON pipe for drifting point and SIMD operations, and a Load/Store pipe for memory operations.

The list of capabilities for the A7 is indistinguishable to that of the Cortex A15—this is basic, since when A7 is matched with A15 in a big.LITTLE design the two centers must be indistinguishable from a product point of view.

big.LITTLE: Wave without bounds, or bargain?

As essential as the dispatch of another center outline is, ARM's heterogenous multiprocessing arrangements are maybe the greatest news to leave Wednesday's occasion. big.LITTLE joins a double center A15 and a double center A7 with a reserve reasonable interconnect, and it covers the match with a layer of open-source firmware that progressively moves undertakings among the centers relying upon those assignments' execution and power needs.The OS doesn't really should be changed or to be at all mindful of the littler A7 centers keeping in mind the end goal to exploit the innovation. All famous portable and desktop OSes now transport with dynamic voltage and recurrence scaling (DVFS) capacities, so they can tell the CPU when they require more pull and when they require less. For lighter workloads, a normal CPU reacts to the OS's flag by throttling back its working recurrence and bringing down its recurrence and voltage, in this manner sparing force; for heavier workloads, it can blast the recurrence and voltage higher briefly to give an execution help. The open-source firmware layer that will sit between the OS and a big.LITTLE chip can take these standard signs and, rather than downclocking the A15 when the OS requests less pull, it just moves the workload onto the A7 centers. So while it will be conceivable to adjust an OS to be big.LITTLE-mindful, however it's a bit much with a specific end goal to exploit the capability.To make a stride back, there are two approaches to take a gander at big.LITTLE. The primary path is to run with ARM's point, which is that heterogenous multiprocessing gives you the best of both universes by giving you a chance to scale processor recurrence and voltage to much lower levels than would somehow or another be conceivable by essentially moving the heap to a less fatty center. Investigate the power versus execution graph beneath, and you can see that in the big.LITTLE setup A7 basically extends A15's DVFS bend to much lower levels.

I have a great deal of sensitivity for this point, in light of the fact that heterogeneous multiprocessing speaks to a power-effective utilization of Moore's Law that is ending up noticeably progressively mainstream. Heterogenous multiprocessing initially sprung up as the Next Big Thing on the server side numerous years back with Sun's disastrous MAJC engineering. At that point there was the AMD/ATI merger, and soon thereafter AMD began discussing heterogenous multiprocessing and "quickened handling units"— or APUs—rather than the conventional CPU/GPU division. All the more as of late, Intel has been talking up the capability of heterogeneous multiprocessing in the cloud.

On the customer and shopper side, heterogeneous multiprocessing made its huge presentation in the Playstation 3's Cell processor. All the more as of late, Marvell has been utilizing this approach for over a year, and NVIDIA's "Kal-El" ARM chip utilizes it too.

So as a general way to deal with boosting power productivity and even crude execution, ARM's big.LITTLE has been completely approved over the business. In reality, ARM is in reality late to this specific gathering. The greater part of this is to state that I have probably heterogeneous MP will do great things for the cell phone space, since it's a standout amongst the most broadly perceived Good Ideas for what to do with the shame of shabby transistor wealth that Moore's Law has given us.

In any case, then there's my more skeptical side, which feels that, notwithstanding being a smart thought, on big.LITTLE is likewise somewhat of a hack that was required by a mix of ARM's server aspirations and its compelled designing assets. Back before A15 was freely propelled, I started got notification from sources in the semi business who were conscious of the subtle elements of the plan and who weren't especially satisfied at a portion of the tradeoffs that ARM made. The talk was that ARM was obviously gunning for the cloud server showcase with this chip—the same "microserver" space that Intel is presently assaulting with some portion of its Atom line—and some of A15's plan choices would hurt it in the tablet space.

At the point when A15 was uncovered, it was obviously an extremely hearty, full-highlighted, out-of-request outline that was expected to contend in the server and desktop markets with Intel CPUs. Obviously, ARM will have the capacity to fit this outline into tablets and telephones, particularly at the correct procedure hub. My exclusive point is that the organization could have done a more direct and portable cordial cycle of the A9 in the event that they either 1) didn't have one eye on the server space with A15, or 2) had the assets to do both an out and out server part and a top of the line cell phone/tablet part in the meantime.

In this light, big.LITTLE can be viewed as ARM's endeavor to have its cake and eat it, as well. It gets the opportunity to address the top of the line by packing as much equipment as it can into the A15 while as yet calling it a versatile outline, yet in cell phone utilization circumstances where A15 will be pointless excess the substantially littler, less fatty A7 will be there to assume control and moderate battery life.