#Before he gets older and is expected to eventually marry or at least have kids (if he lives that long) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

heliads · 2 years ago

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Hiya,baby. I saw that requests were open and I just had to jump on that chance. Can I request a Nikolai Lantsov imagine where reader is a princess from a neighboring kingdom. She and Nikolai are engaged but they both want to marry someone else. Unbeknownst to reader though, that someone else is Nikolai as Stumhond. They were both in similar situations and were tailored but fell in love on the ship. They are both forced to travel across the true sea to get to their wedding venue and at first they're wary of each other but they each start referencing inside jokes and stuff and giving the other mental whiplash as to how they know all of these things. Super fluffy all throughout with a cute reveal at then end. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, this is my first time requesting anything.

hiya,baby yourself, anon

masterlist

Nikolai Lantsov never planned on getting married. Objectively, he knew that it would come at some point, but his eventual wedding always seemed like one of those things of the future that would never truly come to pass. At some point, he would grow older than his brother. At some point, he would outlive his father’s reign. At some point, he would be married.

All of those, now, are true. They happened earlier than he expected, but yes; they are still real, still something that he must recognize at every dawn and every dusk. Far more discoveries have happened along the way, but they still hold strong. With them, too, must stand his marriage.

Marriage is not a thing of love to a Lantsov. That Nikolai knew even before he understood the responsibilities of royalty. His parents may have loved each other at some point, when they were starstruck young things with eyes brighter than their crowns, but nowadays the whole business is more of a hassle than a net win. Nikolai will be married for a political union, but not for him. Never for him.

The contract has already been drawn up. There’s a young woman of significance, a princess from a neighboring kingdom, who will be claiming his hand. Nikolai doesn’t know a whole lot about her, but no one does. She disappeared from the public eye to further her education years ago and just popped back up on the map a matter of months back.

Regardless of her recent activities, her country is wealthy and she is an eligible bachelorette. Nikolai needs a queen, Ravka needs a future; so the lines are drawn. He has yet to meet her in person, but that hardly matters. Y/N L/N will be his wife and there is nothing he can do about it.

He sets out in a week for the wedding. Seeing as her country is located across the True Sea, they’re going to meet up in the Southern Isles, a venue exactly halfway between their two homes. It’s a brilliant display of political maneuvering, and definitely not an excuse for Nikolai to delay the end of his bachelorhood as possible.

By all accounts, this marriage is more than serviceable. Nikolai has sent diplomats and ambassadors over to Y/N’s country countless times, and they’ve all come back bearing messages of her wonderful sense of humor and excellent character. She’s actually a good person, and Nikolai has come to realize that’s worth quite a bit. Factor in the fact that Nikolai can finally count on at least one other nation forced to ally itself with Ravka, and this whole ordeal is technically golden.

To him, though, it is still less than perfect. Actually, this is about as far as Nikolai can get from a flawless celebration, and that’s not just because it won’t be happening on Ravkan territory. No, despite the fact that Nikolai knew since he was a kid that he was never meant to end up dying by the side of someone he loved, he made a mistake anyway.

There’s a woman. Of course there is. Nikolai has no idea where she is. He met her when he was still king of the seas as Sturmhond. He had needed support in a naval battle, she had been the nearest captain, so he asked her for a favor. Proximity hadn’t been the only reason for his asking her specifically, just the one that he told her. Truth was, Nikolai had been hearing about a fearsome captain patrolling the waters for years, and the fact that she robbed only crooked merchant vessels in the interest of helping the needy caught his attention.

Nikolai knew from the very first day of encountering her that she would be on his mind forever. She went by Maradi, named for her favorite saint. According to the legends, a long time ago two lovers from rival fishing villages attempted to run away together. An angry father found out and had one sweetheart’s vessels dashed to pieces. The other dove into the sea, trying to find her man; Sankta Maradi cleared the storm, letting the lovers reach each other. Ever since, the lost and the lovers traveling the waves pay their homage to Sankta Maradi. Nikolai’s favorite privateer happens to count herself among the number of believers.

Maradi is lost to him now, if she was ever his at all. There was a blessed period of a few years in which Nikolai almost thought that he could get away with loving her. He kept that traitorous emotion tucked away behind his lurid teal coat like yet another revolver, but he thought about it, oh how he did. He harbored a secret belief that maybe Vasily would take the throne and Nikolai could stay out there on his ship forever, but of course that was not to be.

So he misses his love, so he feels like he’s betraying her through an engagement of political chessboards and strategically posed kings and queens. There is nothing Nikolai can do about it, but of course his heart will always beg to differ.

At least he has these meager days in which he could still possibly be hers. So he thought, at least, until Zoya arrives at his office door two days later and informs him that Princess Y/N’s ship just touched down on Ravkan shores. Turns out she needs to be there to fulfill some archaic Ravkan tradition regarding the nomination of its rulers. Nikolai knows Zoya kept this information from him so he would have as little time to fight it as possible, and she chose well.

Nikolai wants to run. He can’t, but he wants to. That evening, he’s hosting a banquet in the interest of meeting his soon-to-be wife and forcing smiles just like always. Princess Y/N is as good as they say, quick as a whip and twice as clever, plus pretty to boot. However, even if she were a saint incarnate, she wouldn’t be Captain Maradi, and to Nikolai that’s as good as nothing at all.

Nikolai tries his best to be civil. His country needs that, at least. As much as he complains about the engagement, it would be far worse if Y/N’s country felt insulted and retracted their offer of Y/N’s hand. Nikolai keeps up a perfect demeanor of kindness, but it isn’t legitimate, not really.

Y/N must feel the same way, because even after a few minutes Nikolai is able to detect a hesitation to her smile, a thin veneer of apathy hidden behind the glossed lips and easy laugh. Every now and then, when she thinks someone isn’t paying attention, Y/N gets this look in her eyes like she’s a caged bird wanting nothing more than to fly for miles. She glances at the door just as often– well, just as often as Nikolai, which means that it happens quite a bit.

The night ends eventually, as does the week, flying by in a blur. Nikolai throws out his hands, trying and failing to stop the passage of time, but who can? Certainly not him. Soon enough, he’s standing on the dock of a ship, watching Ravka disappear into a tiny speck of green on the endless blue, and then it’s gone for good and he is stuck on a vessel headed towards a marriage he wants nothing more than to avoid.

Y/N is somewhere on the ship, but Nikolai doesn’t want to think about her right now. Instead, he leans his hands up against the railing of the ship, listening to the creak of the timbers and remembering better times. Sturmhond had only been a temporary dream, of course, a fantasy useful to keep useless younger sons occupied, but Saints, if he hadn’t loved it like nothing else.

It had been intense and crazy and dangerous, far more work than expected, but Nikolai had done it all himself. Not because he was a royal, but because of his own wit and grit. At the end of it, Stumhond was a captain in charge of a fleet, and that sort of power was intoxicating. Even now, standing on a king’s ship run by someone else, Nikolai feels that same sort of tantalizing rush.

After some time, it occurs to Nikolai that he is no longer alone. Someone else has thought the same thing as him and taken it upon themselves to scout out the endless horizon. Nikolai shoots his visitor a quick glance out of the corner of his eye and feels a ripple of shock course through him when he realizes it’s Y/N. He hadn’t known that the princess had an affinity for the sea, but she looks just as heartsick to be out here as him.

She catches him staring about half a second later and a grin slices its way onto her face. “What,” she says slowly, drawing out the syllables, “would you rather I go hide away in my quarters until the voyage is over? You’d have to threaten me at swordpoint.”

It’s more verve than he expected from a dulcet princess, but then again, Nikolai really doesn’t know her all that well, does he?

Nikolai smiles back. “I wouldn’t dare. Unless, of course, you attempt a mutiny. Then I might have to threaten you for real.”

It occurs to him about half a beat later that connecting his future wife and any sort of threat in the same sentence is probably not a good idea. Usually, Nikolai wouldn’t slip up like this. It’s just, well, being out here again is messing with his head. It reminds him of being on his own ship, wearing a different face and answering to a different name.

Sturmhond would have taken it further, he thinks. Sturmhond would have taken out a weapon just to prove his point. And, in return, Maradi would have challenged him to a duel or something even worse than that. No matter how deadly he was, Maradi matched him measure for measure every time. Standing here with the sound of the waves echoing through his ears, he can’t help but think of her.

Saints, he even remembers having a similar conversation several times again. During the early days when Nikolai had just asked for her help on the job, they usually said goodnight by promising to wake the other with a blade to their throat and their ships taken over by morning. Never ceased to make him laugh.

Nikolai blinks hard, trying to drag himself back to reality. He opens his mouth to come up with some way of softening his remark, but Y/N doesn’t look offended or put out. Far from it, actually. Her sharp grin just deepens, clearly pleased.

“If you threatened me in the slightest,” she whispers to him, words half disappearing on the salt breeze, “I would carve out your tongue while you slept and assume command of your vessels. That would be a proper mutiny.”

Nikolai feels as if the ground has just given out beneath his heels. The way Y/N says it, so casually but so intensely, it reminds him of Maradi like nothing else. In fact, he swears she said that exact same line to him before. He had teased her once about not wanting to get salt stains on her sleeves. In return, she had promised to cut out his tongue if he ever dared mention prettiness to her again. They had both laughed and gotten drinks. It had been a wonderful evening.

Nikolai needs to remember, though, that this isn’t real. This is not Maradi. His captain is somewhere out there in uncharted territory, still just as free as the day he met her. This princess, no matter how beautiful nor how dangerous, is a stranger to him and nothing more.

Nikolai straightens, forcing himself to pretend as if he isn’t doubting his own mind. “That would certainly be a sight to see,” he says smoothly, “unfortunately, I tend to keep my doors locked. I find it a far more pleasant method of security than trusting princesses willy-nilly.”

A furrow creases Y/N’s brow, and she seems lost in thought. Nikolai turns his attention back to the sea, but for some reason, he can’t sink himself into it just as easily as before. Now, instead of just hearing Maradi’s voice whispering in the back of his brain, he hears Y/N’s too, the two tones mixing in the mess of his consciousness.

The pattern doesn’t leave him after that first encounter, either. Throughout that day and well into the next few, Nikolai feels like he’s half in a dream. Y/N casually references jokes that Nikolai swore he’s only ever heard when he’s conniving with Maradi. As a test, he does the same thing, name-dropping inside secrets and jobs they did, just the two of them. Every time, Y/N has the same reaction as him, a slight tension appearing in her shoulders, her eyes growing wide.

Maradi would never share his secrets. Sturmhond never shared any of hers, either. Yet how is it that Y/N, Princess Y/N, would happen to know the exploits of Nikolai’s alter ego like the back of his hand? It’s driving him mad. For what might be the millionth time since he left the seas behind, Nikolai wishes that Maradi were there with him. He misses talking through things with her. Nikolai always swore that he made his decisions after even an hour with her, and he knows, he just knows, that if he were to see Maradi again, all would be well.

He has one last night on the ship. They’ll probably dock sometime around late afternoon tomorrow, which gives Nikolai a short window of time if he wishes to make a move while they’re still on board. With the salt air blowing through his hair, the waves providing background symphonies with every step, Nikolai knows that if he’s going to do something, it has to be now. Once he gets on dry land, his ghosts will stop haunting him and Nikolai realizes that he’s been wrong all along. If he’s going to make this mistake, he might as well do it now while he can still believe in himself.

Nikolai heads out to the deck once moonlight falls upon the sails. Most everyone is in bed save for the skeleton crew necessary to keep the ship on track. Still, there’s one portion of the rail where no words can be overheard, and that is where Nikolai finds Y/N. It’s where he used to find Maradi, once upon a time. It is where they always met.

Y/N looks up when she sees him approach. “You know, I’ll be glad to see solid ground, but I’ve always liked being at sea. It feels like home.”

Nikolai gathers up his courage and convinces himself to take this risk. “What do you know about Sankta Maradi?”

Y/N freezes for a moment, and Nikolai watches as she physically forces herself to relax. “She protected lovers at sea. I always liked her best.”

Nikolai nods solemnly. “So did I. Do you think she’ll protect us tonight?”

He meets Y/N’s eyes slowly. She looks more wary than he’s ever seen her. “Only if you think she’s close by,” she replies quietly.

“I do,” Nikolai says, and pulls something out from behind his back.

It’s a knife, blade shining in the light of the stars. It’s well preserved, due only to Nikolai’s careful polishing. The burn of sea salt on the air has a way of wreaking havoc on any weapon to bear its force. Well, technically Nikolai isn’t the one to watch over this particular blade. That was Sturmhond’s task, one that he treasured above any other because Maradi is the one who gave him this knife, and that meant he kept it like his own flesh and blood.

Y/N’s lips part, and Nikolai knows by the gasp that leaves her that yes, his suspicions were right all along. “You’re Sturmhond?” She breathes, seeming only half able to believe the syllables.

Nikolai inclines his head. “I had one of my crewmates tailor me. It wasn’t best for a prince to be seen terrorizing the seas, even a lesser, younger one. I captained the Volkvony, and that is where I met you, isn’t it?”

Y/N nods, eyes shining. She reaches into her pocket and retrieves a signet ring, which she slips onto her finger. Nikolai feels an ache in his chest lessen, something like having a blade removed from his heart. It’s her. This is all the proof he needs. Nikolai remembers seeing that ring on her hand a thousand times: signaling her men to take a ship, reaching for his in the dark of night, wrapped around a pistol or sword. It is the very essence of her, and thus priceless beyond anything else.

“I was tailored too,” Y/N murmurs, “for the same reasons as you, I think. I didn’t want to be a political puppet, I wanted to feel like I was doing something real. And being Maradi was the best part of my life. She was braver than me, more daring, more capable. The day I had to step down, I thought I might die.”

Nikolai leans over to her on impulse, taking her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “You still found me, though. I’d say that’s pretty capable.”

Y/N chuckles. “It wasn’t on purpose. You were an eligible prince. I was informed that I was to be married to someone within the year. Besides, I had no idea you were Sturmhond until we set sail. If I figured it out any earlier, I wouldn’t have suffered through those banquets quite as unhappily.”

Nikolai pretends to be offended. “You didn’t like my banquets? But Y/N, dearest, I had my stuffiest advisors show up just to make them more fun.”

Y/N laughs. “I seem to remember you being just as miserable as me. You were excellent at hiding it, though.”

Nikolai ponders this. “If I was so excellent, why could you see through me?”

“Because you reminded me of someone I knew better than anyone,” Y/N admits, and Nikolai thinks he must have drowned in the very sea sparkling before him, because nothing else could explain the desperate pang in his heart and lungs.

She smiles at him again. “You’re him, though. Somehow, we found each other, and we’re to be married. Not the worst coincidence in the world.”

Nikolai grins, tries not to let himself implode. “Certainly not. In fact, I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want to be my bride in all the world. I’ve missed you, my Maradi.”

Y/N accepts his embrace, allowing Nikolai’s arm to pull her close. “No one else but you, Nik. I promise.”

He has trusted her unthinkably for quite some time. He is not about to stop now.

grishaverse tag list: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @mxltifxnd0m, @story-scribbler, @retvenkos, @thatfangirl42, @amortensie, @gods-fools-heroes, @bl606dy, @auggiesolovey

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov imagines #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov oneshot #grishaverse #grishaverse imagines #grishaverse x reader #grishaverse oneshot #shadow and bone #shadow and bone imagines #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone oneshot #grishaverse nikolai #grishaverse nikolai imagines #grishaverse nikolai x reader #grishaverse nikolai oneshot

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t1oui · 10 months ago

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penelope clearwater headcanons

she hates quidditch. despises it. this makes being friends with percy, marcus, and oliver all the more difficult.

cho looks up to her like an older sister.

(she sits through all the quidditch talks solely for her sake)

penelope and percy are best friends, despite being in different houses. they just get each other in a way that the others don't.

she's panromantic and demisexual. when it comes to having crushes on people, she has almost no preference as long as they care about schoolwork.

penelope has always been proud of her house, but secretly, when she was younger (and as she grew up), she wanted to be in gryffindor. percy's the only one who knows.

she and marcus act a bit like an old married couple.

she ends up sleeping in percy's bed at least once a week. nobody knows how she gets in, because percy stopped giving her the password in 2nd year.

(when percy isn't there, maybe on a walk or already in oliver's room, she gets in adrian pucey's bed instead because he's the only one in that room other than percy who doesn't snore.)

penelope's patronus & animagus forms are both weasels

she becomes senior undersecretary to the minister for magic (aka percy). shenanigans ensue.

she may be nerdier than percy, but she also has way better fashion sense than him, and is probably the best dressed of the friend group.

she thinks romance, all romance, is funny. when percy and oliver get together they get no mercy from her teasing

most younger students are scared of her

when she and oliver found out remus was an alcoholic when he came to teach at hogwarts (even if he was trying to sober up), they broke into his quarters and made him give all his whiskey to the giant squid. surprisingly, it worked.

penelope is not, contrary to popular belief, a skeptic. she used to be, but then she met luna "probably a seer" lovegood and all that went out the window.

loves the hunger games books

breaks a lot more rules than you would expect (she is a member of the golden era's marauders, after all)

her favorite subject is potions

penelope is a genius muggleborn witch, and when she hears people calling hermione "the brightest witch of her age", penelope kind of hates her for it.

she's head girl when percy is head boy

she despises percy's family. where he's like "yeah my family sucks sometimes but i'm over it", she's ready to kill all of them.

on that note, she's a bit unhinged, but she hides it well. only her friends truly know the extent of it

she, percy, oliver, and marcus have meetings in the room of requirement. whenever she calls the meeting, she shows up at least five minutes late, for "dramatic effect" or something.

if she ends up with anyone, it's marcus, and it's not until they're like 28 or something. she kissed him on new years purely because she was annoyed at percy and oliver snogging right next to her

(if they have kids, they name them percival and cedric, which is cute and not confusing in the slightest :))

when they get older, in their 20s or so, penelope starts calling percy "mr. wood" whenever he says something stupid. within a year all of their friends do it. oliver always gets mock offended but actually he thinks it's hilarious

penelope is percy and oliver's oldest daughter, lucy's, godmother. lucy is obsessed with quidditch. penelope does not think this is as funny as percy and oliver seem to.

penelope was the one who walked percy down the aisle. it was the first time anyone (except him) saw her cry

penelope is obsessed with flowers, and she knows all about them. she forces her friends to garden with her. eventually professor sprout gives her some space behind one of the greenhouses to make her own garden.

when sirius is proven innocent or whatever he gets really confused about why there is a newly graduated penelope constantly gatecrashing to hang out with remus (turns out her and oliver forcing him to become their friend during 7th year paid off)

she and percy make like 20 spells together before they even graduate hogwarts, and they eventually co-author a book on magical theory.

penelope, percy, oliver, and marcus are all animagi, and it was penelope's year to try and do that. she didn't like the idea of having to keep a mandrake leaf in your mouth for a month, so she just invented a new way of completing the transformation.

(when sirius finds out they first transformed in 4th year and without mandrake leaves, he's pissed.)

penelope goes with percy as his date to the yule ball (while he's helping supervise it) solely because they want to snoop around

during quidditch games, she always cheers for whichever of her friends' teams is playing. if it's a gryffindor v slytherin match, she cheers for the team of whoever annoyed her the least that week.

(if she's been really pissed off at her friends lately, usually because of too much quidditch talk, she will go out on a ravenclaw game day with her face painted blue and bronze and scream her head off just to spite them.)

people are scared of her. she likes it that way.

#penelope clearwater #harry potter #harry potter hc #penelope clearwater headcanons #hp fandom #golden era hp #percy weasley #oliver wood #marcus flint

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winters8child · 8 months ago

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It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 3

Nothing could have prepared me for the life I would eventually lead. I was supposed to be ordinary, inconsequential even. Go to school, be a good girl, and eventually become a good wife to a simple man. He didn’t have to love me or even like me, as long as I didn’t complain and bore children, life was good. At least that’s what I had been told.

But as I was getting older, life was becoming more serious. On my 16th birthday, my mother took me aside and said, “You are a woman now, so act accordingly or no man will want you.” I didn’t know what “accordingly” meant, but I didn’t like the sound of it. “You can’t keep hanging out with those boys anymore if you want to find a good husband,” she said, her sadness barely masked. “I’ve seen the way you run down the stairs whenever they come by. That James is not the right fit for you, and don’t get me started on that Steve boy. How could he ever protect you, looking so frail like that?” But I wouldn’t stand for it. I turned on my heel and stormed out of the house.

I ran to the one place where I always went when everything around me became too overwhelming. I called it my quiet spot. It was a low wall by the river where I could sit and watch the water flow by. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was shining, and I could hear the laughter of children playing outside. I didn’t know when I stopped being one of those children, but today it felt like that time was gone for good. I lost track of how long I had been sitting there when I heard footsteps behind me.

“Hey, I was at your place, but your mom said you were out. She seemed distressed. Everything alright?” Steve asked as he sat down next to me.

“I’m getting old, Steve. My mother expects me to get married any day now. It feels like that’s all I’m meant to do—to marry a man I don’t care about and have a ton of kids.” Steve was taken aback, struggling to find the right words.

“Maybe you’ll find someone you like or even love?” he suggested tentatively.

“But maybe I want someone who loves me back? Or is that too much to ask for?” I asked, my voice trembling. He took my hand in his and said, “Any man would be lucky to have you, believe me. And if all else fails, I’ll marry you.” I was speechless, just staring at him.

“You know we can’t do that. You deserve to marry someone you love, Steve. Not a marriage of convenience,” I said softly. He let go of my hand and looked out at the river, a sudden sadness in his eyes. After a few minutes of silence, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, handing it to me.

“Happy birthday. I hope you like it. If you don’t, I can find something else, but I thought…” Before he could finish, I opened the box. Inside was a pin shaped like a ladybug. The colors were vibrant, and it glimmered in the sunlight.

“The day you moved here, something changed. It felt like my life was finally headed in the right direction. Just out of pure luck, the most darling and sweet girl moved into my neighborhood. When I saw this pin, it reminded me of you. I hope that’s alright,” he said softly.

I was at a loss for words. No one had ever given me such a thoughtful gift. Steve crouched beside me and asked gently, “May I?” I handed him the pin, and he carefully fastened it to my collar. He smiled at me, and I leaned in to give him a tentative kiss on the cheek. “Thank you. It’s gorgeous,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

He blushed, and his shyness made me blush in return. We sat there until the sun went down, talking about everything and nothing, until we ran out of things to say.

Next Chapter

#marvel #bucky barnes #marvel fanfiction #sebastian stan #steve rogers #the avengers #fanfiction

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winter-dayz · 1 year ago

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A Year Together

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader Inspired by Holidate (2020) Genre: Angst; Fluff Words: 5574 Warnings: mentions of excessive drinking, smoking, and drug usage; strong language; suggestive content

Masterlist | 12 Days of Ficmas Masterpost

Taglist: @soobin-chois

She stubbed out her cigarette, sprayed on some perfume, and huffed into the cold air, before gathering the courage to enter her childhood home.

“Merry Christmas,” she called, barely over a speaking voice, hoping no one heard her.

Her mother rounded the corner, displeasure written plain as day. “Finally.” She glanced over her daughter, eyes narrowing on Y/N’s hoodie and leggings. “This is what you’re wearing for Christmas dinner? Would it kill you to dress up a little?”

Y/N ignored her mom’s criticism, as she had for years, and looked around at the meticulous decorations. “The house looks beautiful.”

She hummed, motioning her daughter to follow her. “No thanks to you or your aunt. She brought a date, at least, unlike you.”

“Speaking of plus-ones…” Y/N’s older sister, Nayeon, cut in. She pulled Y/N to the kitchen. “Why didn’t you call Seungmin?

“I just wasn’t feeling it.”

Nayeon sighed, “It’s been six months. Eventually, you have to start dating again.”

“I mean who’s surprised no one wants to take her out when she just sits at home looking like that,” their mother snarked, coming into the kitchen.

Y/N’s eye twitched, the urge to smoke rising. “I work from home, Mother. My boss and coworkers don’t care if I wear pajamas. You know what they do care about? You constantly calling while I’m working.”

She ignored her daughter and leaned closer. “Are you still smoking? You’re going to die alone for sure then. No man wants a smoker who can’t be bothered to dress well.” Her mother scowled at her and left the room, Nayeon in tow.

Y/N rolled her eyes, throwing her drink back, and mumbled to herself. “And no man wants a bitchy mother-in-law either. So, I guess that’s three strikes.”

The rest of the afternoon and evening went exactly as she expected.

When her brother, Jeongin, arrived, he lightly taunted her about showing up alone again. His girlfriend, Chaeryeong, scolded him for teasing someone for being sad. Y/N insisted she wasn’t sad. Then Nayeon’s husband asked her why she didn’t just call Seungmin. She had tried to argue back but was interrupted by her mother calling everyone to open presents—Y/N received dresses from her mom that didn’t fit, pajamas from her sister that were definitely a regift, and a gift card from her brother. When Y/N managed to escape (finally) from the judgment of her family, she refilled her drink in the kitchen, and her aunt joined her.

“Isn’t he so fun?” Her aunt giggled drunkenly, nodding in the direction of her date playing with some of Y/N’s nieces. “He’s Santa at the mall this year. You’d be surprised about the kind of men you can meet there.” Y/N didn’t respond, not wanting to come across as judgy as her mother was of everyone, but her aunt sensed the hint of criticism anyway. “Calm down. I’m not gonna marry the guy. He’s my holidate.”

Y/N laughed lightly, “What is a ‘holidate’?”

“A date just for the holidays. No commitment, no strings attached. Just fun.”

Y/N hummed but didn’t get a chance to respond as dinner was announced to be ready. She wasn’t even surprised to find herself at the kids’ table.

“Could I have everyone’s attention?” Jeongin asked from the main dining room. Y/N stood from the kids’ table just in time to see Jeongin kneeling before his girlfriend. “Lee Chaeryeong…” Y/N felt her eyes widen, her head shaking no. Her baby brother couldn’t be getting engaged before her… “Will you do the honor of becoming my wife and marrying me?”

“Fuck no…” Y/N whispered to herself as Chaeryeong jumped up with an excited “Yes! Oh my god, yes!”

“Two down… One to go.” Y/N’s mother smiled at the young couple before flicking a snide glare to Y/N in the doorway.

🎄

It was in line at some store in the mall a few days later that she met him.

Chan had been trying to return khakis that were very much not his style, and Y/N was trying to return the dresses and pajamas she had gotten. They had gotten to chatting about their awful Christmases, when her aunt’s Christmas date recognized her.

“Have your aunt call me!” The man called out, Y/N embarrassedly pulling Chan away from the food court.

“So what was the deal with that?” Chan laughed goodnaturedly.

“He was my aunt’s holidate.”

“Wait, wait… A holidate? Like a date for Christmas, or does it work for all holidays?”

Y/N shrugged, “I assume all of them. But then again, my aunt doesn’t stick around with one man long so she might find a new one for Easter.”

Chan breathed out a laugh, “That’s what I need for New Year’s…”

“Why would you need a holidate?” Chan glanced over at her in confusion, and she shrugged. “I can’t imagine you’d really have that much trouble finding a date. You’re extremely good-looking. You seem sweet. Look pretty dependable… I mean, you have dimples for Christ’s sake! That’s every girl’s dream!”

Chan hummed, “I’m also a workaholic.”

“Oh…” Y/N nodded, “Okay, I get it.”

“And casually dating on the holidays…” Chan shook his head, “It just becomes a lot of pressure. People expect more than I can give them, especially once the holiday is over.”

“That sucks… Try being the only single person left in your family, though. I’m so fucking sick of the pity party and them trying to set me up.”

“I get why they do it though. They don’t want you alone on the holidays… We’re not meant to be alone. Humans need companionship, warmth… someone to drunk-mock strangers with at parties.”

“I do enjoy drunk-mocking strangers at parties…”

“Great, so be my holidate for New Year’s.”

A laugh bubbled out of Y/N, “I don’t even really know you.”

Chan stuck a hand out to her, a big grin with crescent eyes and dimples shining. “Hi, I’m Chrisopher Bang. I go by Chan, though. I’m a music producer. A perfectionist and workaholic. I have VIP tickets to the JY New Year’s party. Would you like to go with me?” When she hesitated, he pulled out a business card and passed it to her, “Think about it? There’s no pressure, no expectations. I mean…” He cleared his throat and darted his eyes away for a moment, “I don’t even find you that attractive so no worries there either.”

“Wow. I’m so flattered.” Y/N scoffed, snatching the card.

The tips of Chan’s ears colored red, but Y/N didn’t notice as she stared at his business card. “Just think about it and text me.”

Y/N hummed and shook her head, waving him off as she headed to her car. She would think about it, but she definitely wasn’t going to text him…

Well, she probably wouldn’t have. Except the next day her mom video-called her while she was working and proceeded to berate her for wearing another hoodie (even though she was just working from home and had no virtual meetings that day). After the berating was done, she moved on to trying to insist that Y/N go on a date with their new neighbor, Felix. It ended with Y/N snapping that she already had a New Year’s date and hanging up on her mother to make a new call.

She heard the smile in Chan’s voice as he answered, “Hello~ I thought I said text me, not call me.”

🎄

Y/N pointed out another couple from their balcony booth. “They’re for sure getting engaged at midnight.”

“You think?” Chan asked, sipping his fifth? sixth? drink. Y/N nodded, finishing her own and taking new glasses from a passing waiter.

At some point the conversation turned away from drunk-mocking strangers to their thoughts on romantic comedies.

“So who ruined love for you?” Chan asked, leaning in close so Y/N could hear him.

She shook her head vehemently. “You don’t really wanna hear about him.”

“Why not?” Chan shrugged, “We’re already on the topic… At least give me a name.”

“Minho.” Y/N swallowed the rest of her drink. “He was handsome and smart. I loved his dry humor, a bit mischievous. He was a dancer, sexy.” Y/N groaned in memory.

“So what happened? If he was so perfect…”

“We wanted different things. I wanted someone to bring home for the holidays. He wanted someone to fuck behind my back. So…”

“Oh damn… I’m so sorry.” Chan frowned, trying desperately not to sound like he was pitying her. He already knew she hated that.

Y/N shrugged, “It’s my own fault. My sister always told me to date down, but I didn’t listen… He was just too hot to be trustworthy…”

“Still sorry he screwed you over like that. No one deserves that.” Chan hesitated looking around, while Y/N simply hummed in thought. “I’ll be back in a few. Gonna run to the bathroom and get us new drinks on the way back. Sit tight, yeah?”

Of course, as soon as Chan had left the announcer began the ten-second countdown. Y/N looked around frantically, not wanting to be alone when they got to–

“Happy New Year!”

“I’m so sorry,” Chan huffed, running back through the crowd to her side. He glanced over to her and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. “Happy New Year.”

🎄

She was alone on a holiday again, save for her overflowing basket of candy. Even though New Year’s was fun with Chan—probably the best holiday she’d ever had—she couldn’t find it in her to call him again for another holiday. Especially Valentine’s Day.

“Y/N?”

She wished she had called Chan.

Her eyes widened, and she whipped around, truffle hanging out of her mouth as she ate from the basket she had yet to pay for.

“Minho? Oh my god! How’ve you been?” Y/N rushed to wipe her mouth clean as she came face-to-face with her ex-boyfriend.

Minho didn’t get a chance to answer since a young woman ran up and did it for him. “Baby taste this! Isn’t it good?”

He had a new girlfriend. A new, adorable, perfect girlfriend.

Lost in her self-deprecating thoughts, Y/N felt an arm slide around her waist. “Hey love, I thought we were gonna meet over by the little ice cream stand? You told me you wanted to try that new flavor.”

How was he here? Why was he helping her?

“Oh, hey there mate. I’m Chan, Y/N’s little boy toy. I’d love to get her to commit long-term, but she’s just so strong and independent. Fingers crossed though!”

“Stop it,” Y/N finally snapped out of her reverie and hissed under her breath to Chan as she fake nuzzled him. He covered it well with a laugh.

“Yeah, nice to meet you…” Minho smiled down at his girlfriend. “I’m Minho, and this is Tzuyu.”

“Cool, well did you get everything, love? I wanted to get you something from Victoria’s Secret. Let’s go,” Chan grinned secretively at her. A show for Minho, she knew. “Anyway, lovely to meet you both. All the best, bye Julie~”

“Um, it's Tzuyu!” They called back to Chan as he dragged Y/N out of the store.

She was dragged past the ice cream store he mentioned and the Victoria’s Secret, all the way to Chan’s car, as she continued to mumble about feeling sick. Finally, in the privacy of his car, she let out a shaky sigh and a single sob.

“I need a cigarette.”

Chan’s head ticked to the side, “You smoke?”

“Sometimes… Not regularly, just in high stress situations. Holidays are the worst…”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I thought about it but… I was embarrassed that nothing had changed since New Year’s. I’m still bitter and single.”

Chan laughed lightly, nudging Y/N to lighten the mood. “That’s the point of this whole holidate thing. We both get to avoid the pressure of a real relationship and the judgment of not having one yet. So… Let’s just make it official, yeah? Holidates until further notice?”

🎄

St. Patrick’s Day came and went smoothly. Chan and Y/N met up at a pub, drinking until all the green in the room began to blur together, and surprisingly ran into Nayeon, Jeongin, and Chaeryeong. None of them quite understood the arrangement the two had, but they were supportive of their sister getting out of the house, having fun, and letting loose.

After St. Patrick’s Day, Easter rolled around, and with Easter came a family brunch.

“Hoppy Easter, my little bunnies,” Y/N’s aunt strolled into the backyard wearing a Playboy outfit. She motioned to her own holidate, who was wearing a long white robe, “This is Jesús.”

“What in God’s name are you wearing?!” Y/N’s mom shrieked at her sister. “This is an Easter brunch; silly costumes are not allowed.”

As she spoke, someone came literally hopping into the yard wearing a full pink bunny suit, tossing candy-filled eggs to the kids.

Y/N choked on her mimosa at the sight. “Looks like someone didn’t get the memo.”

“Felix!” Her mother beamed. “I’m glad you could make it. Honey,” she turned towards Y/N, dragging a freckled, ball of sunshine with her, “This is our neighbor that I told you about.”

“Hello,” he smiled at her. His voice was deep—deeper than she anticipated—and sent a subtle chill down her spine. His freckles stood out, even against his lightly tanned skin, and his smile warmed her from the inside out. “I’m Felix… Sorry, I volunteer at the kids’ cancer ward and was doing a bit of cheering up. Came straight here… Wow, you are prettier in person.” Y/N blushed deeply, dipping her face to hide her grin. Chan glanced between the two. “Thank you,” she mumbled out at the same time that Chan piped in, “I’m Chan. Y/N’s date. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m so sorry, Felix. We weren’t expecting Y/N to bring a guest.” Her mother cut in, sneering down at Chan and Y/N.

The warmth Felix had brought drained out, and Y/N glared up at her own mom. “That’s odd to say since I explicitly told you that Chan was coming.”

“Um… I’ll go say hi to the kids. I have some more treats for them…” Felix excused himself, glancing between the staredown the two women were having.

“You see what you did!” Her mother hissed. “He’ll think you aren’t interested.”

“I’m not interested.” It wasn’t totally a lie.

Y/N’s mother fussed with her hair. “I just want you to find someone with real potential.” She glared over at Chan again. “I don’t want you continuing with this holidate crap. Do you want to die alone like your aunt?”

After remaining silent, her mother huffed and dispersed to nag at someone else. Chan waited a few minutes and then cleared his throat. “You know… Maybe you should actually give that neighbor guy a chance?” When Y/N simply stared at him like he was crazy, Chan continued, “I mean he has nice hair, freckles, volunteers with kids… That’s gotta be a dream guy, right?”

“I just don’t think I’m ready yet.”

“Hasn’t it been almost a year?”

Y/N pouted down at her crepes. “I mean… yeah,” she said softly, a bit broken. “Women take their time to process though. We don’t just dump and move on like men do.”

“To be fair, women can be brutal too.” Chan breathed out heavily, “My ex… I mean, my friend’s ex. She crushed him. Pretended to like his friends and hobbies. Started leaving things at his apartment until he just suggested they move in together. And it was great at first, or maybe she was good at pretending… They started exploring more things sexually and talking about the future. But then one day, she was just gone. All of the stuff she had left around was cleared out, her phone number was changed, and I was blocked on social media. I mean, my friend was blocked.”

Y/N looked over at Chan, really looked at him. He looked as broken in that moment as she often felt inside. She rubbed his arm lightly, and he gave her a sad smile. After a few more minutes, Y/N cleared her throat.

“So… what kind of sexual things are we talking?” She joked, trying to lighten the mood.

It worked, and Chan laughed loudly. “I am not telling you that.”

🎄

Much like St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo was spent at a fiesta party getting blackout drunk together. This time without the interruption of Y/N’s siblings.

Several rounds of tequila shots in, Y/N finally asked about the “sexual things” Chan had explored before since he never answered at Easter. He just laughed her off again. A few more rounds, and some light flirting, and Y/N was taunting that he probably hadn’t even slept with anyone in a while and lost his touch. He corrected her that he had actually met some waitress at St. Patrick’s Day that he’d taken home. She downed her next drink after hearing that, not stopping to think about why it bothered her. More shots, more drinks.

And the next thing they knew, they were waking up in Chan’s apartments and promptly going their separate ways until Mother’s Day.

“Can we please not talk about my personal life for once?” Y/N questioned, sipping her drink, while Chan sat silently beside her eating brunch.

“It’s my day. I have a right to know what my only child is doing with their life.” Her mother snipped.

Y/N grumbled about her siblings, and her mother cut her off, “They aren’t single.” She spat the word like it was a curse. “I just worry about you… And you,” she turned her glare to Chan, “I don’t understand why you’re wasting my daughter’s time.”

“It’s not a waste. We’re friends, Mother.” Y/N defended immediately, and Chan perked up, glancing over at her with a small smile.

“You don’t need a friend. You need a husband. Or at least a life partner. You need someone legally bound to be there when you go through chemo.”

Chan looked worriedly, “chemo?” at the same time Y/N spat the word out.

Y/N’s mother turned back to her daughter. “Let’s not kid ourselves. You have bad genes, and you smoke. Bald women don’t get a lot of dates. You need a husband now.”

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Ms. L/N.” Chan interrupted, noticing how she curled in on herself. “Y/N is an amazing girl. Even bald.”

🎄

For Independence Day, Chan and Jeongin gathered fireworks and drove up to the lake cabin separately. Y/N met up with Nayeon, Chaeryeong, and her aunt to ride up: girls’ trip style. With the addition of her aunt’s holidate…

“What’s that smell?” Chaeryeong asked, sliding into the backseat beside Y/N’s aunt and her date.

Nayeon breathed deeply, “Is that marijuana?”

“It’s medicinal.”

“Don’t care,” Y/N laughed, “pass it over!”

Slowly but surely, the girls hotboxed Nayeon’s car, arriving at the cabin happily high. Upon arrival, they settled in with munchies while the boys ran down to the lake to start shooting off the fireworks, shouting excitedly while they did.

“What is it about men and explosives?” Y/N laughed, watching from the balcony as Chan gleefully shot off fireworks.

“It’s like jacking off.” Y/N’s aunt giggled back, “Men live for the orgasm. If they’re not fucking then they’re dreaming about fucking… Or blowing stuff up. It’s the next best thing to fucking.”

The girls burst out laughing, but petered off as Jeongin ran up frantically. He was shouting about a freak accident and how Chan shot off a firework and the kickback knocked him over and the explosion hit the tree and a branch fell on him and he broke his leg.

Which led to Y/N, miraculously the most sober person at the cabin, taking Chan to the hospital.

“All right, so it looks like you only fractured the bone,” the doctor said coming into the hospital room.

“Felix?” Y/N asked, confused.

“Y/N! Are you hurt? You’re okay, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine… I didn’t know you were like a doctor doctor; I just thought you volunteered.”

“Well, I’m technically still a resident. But I also volunteer in the cancer ward.” Felix smiled at her.

Chan glanced between Y/N and Felix as the two grinned shyly at one another.

“That’s so amazing… You’re just… Wow. Doing amazing things.” Y/N breathed out. (Maybe she was still a bit high).

“I’m just trying to help people,” Felix blushed. “Anyway, I was disappointed I never heard back from you…”

Chan couldn’t stand their flirting anymore. “You know what I’m disappointed about? This broken leg.”

“Ah, yeah, man… It shouldn’t be too long now. We’ll give you some pain medication and a prescription and make sure it’s set and cast properly. Then you can go.”

“Sounds good.” Chan smiled, although the grin was tight around the edges.

Later that evening, Y/N had managed to gather the necessary prescriptions, taken Chan home, and ordered him food.

“I’m sorry I ruined your Fourth of July…” Chan pouted at her, grabbing her hand when she turned away to leave.

She pulled away gently but moved to push his hair out of his eyes. “It’s no problem, Chan… Holidate rule number three: leave no holidate behind.”

🎄

The next holiday did not come as smoothly. Since Labor Day was also the weekend of Jeongin and Chaeryeong’s wedding, Y/N and Chan decided to take different dates.

Not that either necessarily wanted to, but neither knew that the other wanted to take each other. It was unnecessarily complicated.

Instead, Y/N brought Felix and Chan brought the St. Patrick’s Day waitress, and the whole event was awkward overall.

At some point, though, the two found themselves at the bar, and it went from awkward to horrible as they argued. But, their tempers were smothered upon finding their dates making out near the dessert table, and they both sighed and smiled sheepishly at one another.

“So you got any ideas for Halloween?” Y/N pouted.

“Already on it.” Chan shrugged, planning out matching outfits for the two of them.

On Halloween, Chan spotted Y/N first, calling her over with wide-eyes at the corset wrapped tightly around her. “I’m glad it fits… Perfectly, actually.” He eyed her pirate costume, gaze dragging up-and-down her body. He hadn’t anticipated how good it would look.

“Ahoy!” Y/N smiled and held a flask out to Chan, “Rum?”

The party, hosted by Jeongin and Chaeryeong, was going well. Y/N and Chan were having a blast with her brother and sister-in-law, along with Nayeon who had come out. It was fun… Until…

“Happy Halloween!” Minho cheered, heading towards them.

Y/N whipped around to hiss, “Who invited them?” Chan’s hands came to rest on her shoulders, giving a reassuring squeeze.

“I love the slutty pirate costume. Classic!” Tzuyu smiled.

She was being genuine, and Y/N wanted to hate her for it. Wanted to hate how genuinely sweet and pretty she was. But she couldn’t. Because at the moment, she was busy hating her for the obvious baby bump she was sporting.

“Um…” Y/N smiled awkwardly, “So, baby?”

Tzuyu’s eyebrows rose, “Oh, yes… Minho and I are expecting. Isn’t that great?” She looked so happy.

Y/N felt sick.

“Wow… Pregnant. That’s– that’s great! She’s pregnant everyone! Isn’t that great?!” Y/N babbled frantically.

“Alright, love, let’s go get another drink!” Chan interrupted, pulling her away with Nayeon following closely behind.

Once out of earshot, Y/N grabbed Chan’s hand. “I don’t feel well.”

“Do you want me to take you home?” Nayeon offered, but Y/N shook her head, insisting that her older sister enjoy her night out.

“I’ve got you. I’ll take you home.” Chan said. No room for argument. “Holidate rule number three: leave no holidate behind. Let’s go.”

Back at her apartment, Y/N rushed to the bathroom. She slid down to the floor, the panic attack pulling dry heaves out of her. Chan settled next to her after a few minutes, passing her hot tea to soothe her nerves and rubbing her back. She let out loud sobs and fell into his chest.

When she had settled down, he helped her up and into her bed. He moved to leave, but Y/N grabbed his hand, pulling him back onto the bed. “Please stay…”

“Are you sure? You’re really upset about this.”

“I’m upset that he gets to cheat and still finds love, and no one will love me. I’m upset that my mom is right. There’s something wrong with me…”

Chan’s brow furrowed, and his jaw ticked. “There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve love, and…” He paused, head tilting in thought slightly. “Someone will love you.”

She nodded and slid down into the blankets. Chan followed, curling around her and holding her close to him.

She’d never fallen asleep so quickly.

In the morning, Y/N woke up with Chan only a hair’s breadth away. He looked so soft. She reached up, finger tracing his pouty lips, but froze when his eyes fluttered open. His own hand reached up, grabbing hers and placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles.

As a small smile tugged on both their lips, Y/N leaned forward. Her hand slid over his cheek and into his hair while their lips met. When she started to pull away from the chaste kiss, his grasp tightened on her, and he pulled her back in for another. And another. And another.

Before either knew it, the October morning chill had turned heated. Their kisses turned into bites and licks. The gentle caresses turned into scratches and roaming hands. The early clouds turned into the midday sun.

And both flopped back onto the bed, exhausted and sweaty.

“Wow,” Chan breathed heavily, “So should we…”

As he trailed off, Y/N felt the panic rise again. “You can go if you want.”

Of course that’s what he would want. They were holidates, friends at best. He had said he wasn’t even attracted to her…

Chan’s smile, that she hadn’t noticed yet, fell. “You want me to leave?”

“I mean… I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay.”

“Why would I feel obligated?”

“Well, Halloween’s over.”

Chan’s eyes widened, brows raising. He nodded, “Right.”

“So… I’ll see you at Thanksgiving?”

🎄

“Are you sure he’s coming,” Y/N’s mom snarked, moving about the house to finish preparations. “I don’t want to put the leaf in if he’s not.”

“Yes, Mother. Put the leaf in. He’ll be here.”

“Well it’s all the way in the basement…”

“Mom–”

She didn’t stop walking, ignoring her daughter, “We could just use the piano bench somehow.”

Y/N snapped, “Put the goddamn leaf in!”

“Fine, no need to shout…” Her mother started to chastise but was cut off by the shrill of the fire alarm. “Oh no! The pies!”

Since her mother had burned both pies and several of the sides to a crisp, Y/N was being ushered to the store. As the door was pulled open, though, Y/N was met face-to-face with Chan.

“Hey?”

“Hi… I have to go to the store, if you want…?”

Hearing her mother fussing in the background, Chan grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.”

At the store, the two mostly shopped in silence, awkward chit-chat kept to a minimum, but eventually, Chan couldn’t take it anymore. “So are we really just going to pretend we didn’t have sex?”

“Sounds good.” Y/N smiled, albeit obviously fake.

Chan shook his head with a scoff. “Fine. But, for the record, I didn’t want to leave afterwards.”

“Sure,” Y/N rolled her eyes, “You didn’t even want to have sex with me. You told me you didn’t find me attractive, but sure. You definitely wanted to stay all day and talk about our feelings.”

“What did you want me to say?!” Chan snapped back, pulling Y/N to a stop. “I was some stranger in the mall. Did you want me to scare you off by telling you how beautiful I thought you were, even in your sweats. Did you want me to tell you that on New Year’s I ran away to the bathroom because you have these lips that just beg to be kissed. And on Valentine’s Day, I could see from outside the store that your eyes were filled with tears, and it crushed me. Is that what you wanted to know?”

Y/N felt her heart constrict, turning away to stare into a freezer. “No. I didn’t want to know that. In fact, I don’t want to know any of those types of things. You can relax and keep sleeping with St. Patrick’s Day waitresses all you want.”

“Wow…” Chan breathed out in disbelief. “You’re really trying so hard not to feel anything, huh? Well at least that makes you the liar and asshole and not me.”

Storming out of the store and leaving her alone in the frozen section, Y/N felt her heart crumble and eyes fill with tears. She wanted to scream and cry, but instead, she checked out and headed home, already anticipating the fight that would be waiting for her.

“Where’s Chan?” Nayeon asked as soon as Y/N walked through the front door alone.

“I don’t know…” Y/N whispered, moving to put groceries away and start helping to make some of the replacement dishes.

“I knew it!” Her mother called from the dining room. “No leaf!”

“What did you do, Y/N?” Nayeon sighed heavily.

Y/N whipped around, trying desperately to ignore the snide remark from their mother. “What makes you think it was me?”

“Well, honey, you don’t have the best track record.” Her mother chipped in again. Jeongin, having come in to get a drink, glanced between the two.

“Excuse me?! Minho is the one who cheated on me. Chan left me in the store.”

“Well maybe if you were honest with him…” Nayeon mumbled.

Jeongin shrugged one shoulder, “Yeah, if you just told him how you feel we could get through a holiday without your personal life being such a mess.”

Y/N started to argue back when her aunt’s holidate collapsed. The fighting promptly cut off, an ambulance being called, and Y/N somehow getting roped into the back with her aunt.

“You know… I barely even know him.” Her aunt whispered as they sat in the hospital waiting room. “I even had to write his name on my arm… And I know how sad it is; I know what everyone in the family thinks and says. It’s my own fault, too. I had so many opportunities with good men, kind men, who liked me. Loved me even… But as soon as they got too close, I ran away. Ran away and found someone who wasn’t good or kind. Someone who cheated, but was sexy and fun. And now I’m in my fifties, waiting in a hospital for a man I don’t really know…”

Y/N hummed, realization hitting her.

🎄

Inspired by her aunt, and a few very-much-needed therapy sessions, Y/N found herself outside Chan’s production company a week before Christmas.

Her chest felt tight, and despite the cold, her hands felt sweaty.

She could do it. She could confess. She just needed to walk in there and tell him.

“So… Are you going to go in, or just keep standing outside stalking me?” Chan’s voice came from behind.

Y/N spun around so fast she almost slipped on the icy ground, Chan reaching out to steady her.

“Chan! Hi. I just…” She exhaled heavily, breath coming out in a puff of steam against the freezing cold. “I just… I fucked up.” His brows rose, but his hands remained on her arms. She took it as a good sign and continued. “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve had more fun with you this past year than with any other loser I thought I was in love with. And I know I fucked it up because I was scared, but letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life… I miss you so much. So much that I even quit smoking and eating junk food all the time and drinking so much. You really ruined all my vices for me… Anyway…” She swallowed heavily, gaze traveling across his blank face to gauge his reaction so far, despite him not giving any. “You were right. I do have feelings for you. I thought I wanted a holidate, but the truth is that I just want you. For all the holidays. And the weekends… And weekdays would be nice too. I know I’m probably too late, but honestly, you’re the only one I’d wanna go through chemo with.”

Chan’s lips quirked into a small smile, and he stepped closer. He rubbed his nose against her freezing one and pecked her lips, pulling away just enough to say, “Yeah, why not… I bet you’d be hot bald.”

#stray kids #skz #bang chan #reader #bang chan x reader #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #angst #fluff #holidate #holidate 2020 #oneshot #ficmas

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maya-matlin · 10 months ago

Note

What would you highlight as key similarities and also a few major differences between our beloved Maya and Haley James Scott?!

Okay, I'll have to think about this one. Even though I've always felt their characters were similar, I never thought to break down the similarities and differences.

To start with, both Haley and Maya are passionate about their music. Both view it as one of their life's greatest ambitions. Ultimately, I think Maya's more ambitious than Haley. Or at the least, she has and had different priorities. Before Haley was able to seriously think about pursuing a musical career, she'd married Nathan. Based on that alone as well as inexperienced teens trying to play at being an adult married couple, there were automatically different expectations for what Haley should do and how she should go about it. Maya had no such limitations. While Maya sometimes tried and failed to put her music first, typically allowing boy drama to get in the way, she never stopped trying to make her music happen. In some ways, the Nathan/Haley/Chris and Zig/Maya/Jonah situations parallels, albeit with some differences. Chris was actually interested in Haley (actually in love with her if you believe what Dan says in season 9) and kissed her multiple times, which Haley returned. Although Jonah was very sketchy around Maya and seemed insulted by Zig's mere presence, he never showed any concrete signs of liking Maya, instead going for Frankie. But both Zig and Nathan at least believed these guys were threats to their relationship, attempting to step in and assert themselves. Nathan physically threatened Chris while Zig attempted to lock down his sexual relationship with Maya so that she wouldn't "look elsewhere". The girls' musical ambitions indirectly tore apart their relationships. But due to Zig objectively being far more to blame for his relationship with Maya falling apart in contrast to everything being very grey where Naley were concerned, Maya remains guilt free about putting her music first, never wavering from that. Haley, on the other hand, felt a great deal of guilt for hurting Nathan and for the tour, later downplaying her love for music multiple times, constantly feeling the need to reiterate that her musical career was nothing compared to her love for Nathan. As Maya and Haley look towards their futures after high school, their priorities are once again different. Even before Haley got pregnant, she was prepared to give up the school she'd wanted to attend since she was a kid just to follow Nathan. Maya thought only of herself. Though, Maya was single at the time and had no reason to believe Zig was going to be a possibility again, even if he did get into university. Regardless, I feel confident that Maya wouldn't have attended a lesser school just to be with Zig.

Personality wise, they're pretty similar. Both are wise, sometimes bordering on judgmental, believing that they know what's best for their friends and loved ones. Both are often the moral centers of their friend groups. Both are the younger siblings of older sisters who screwed up their own lives in some way. But while Taylor was more of a party girl and the type to sleep around (nothing wrong with it - it's just the way she was portrayed), Katie held herself to very high standards and eventually crumbled at the first hint of imperfection and a real challenge. In that way, Haley and Katie are probably more alike considering how laidback Maya is the majority of the time. Both Haley and Maya are friendly and supportive towards everyone in their lives. Maya and Haley experience occasional bouts of anxiety. Maya's feels more like a combination of social awkwardness and a direct result of her PTSD over losing Cam. Haley's is more general, in my opinion. It took her longer to become comfortable performing, even in season 6 after she's gone on tour. Maya seems pretty fearless in this way. Both have a thing for "saving" troubled men (Haley with Nathan, Maya with Zig and Miles). But while Haley seems very hesitant to rebel and attempts to hold herself to an unreasonable standard, Maya is pretty comfortable pushing the boundaries of who she is as a person. It's a pretty big deal for Haley to get drunk during the school day. But if Maya decides she wants to pop molly like it's nothing, why not? She's at a party, and she wants to feel closer to her boyfriend. Even before losing her virginity, Maya is comfortable expressing her sexuality. She writes about desiring to do more than talk with her boyfriends in multiple songs (Actions Speak Louder Than Words, Unravel Me, Wanna Get Off). Whereas Haley is very stuck on wanting sex to be something magical and meaningful, I don't think Maya has the same reservations. She wants her first time to mean something ("I sort of wish my first time wasn't high, you know?"), but I don't think she needs anything specific or necessarily a big commitment outside of being in a monogamous relationship to feel ready to take that step.

Then obviously, both girls eventually develop depression and suffer from suicidal ideation, going as far as attempting it or coming close multiple times. Following the death of Haley's mother, she's despondent. Though Haley's closeness with her family members was rarely ever touched on following them literally packing up and moving away the instant Haley's marriage license was dry, apparently Lydia was a constant in Haley's life that she could turn to for advice and emotional support. She has no idea what to do with herself without her mother. Haley's depression manifests in sadness, which we see when she breaks down sobbing alone. We also see Haley becoming angry and feeling numb, unable to care that she's neglecting the people and things in her life. Only Haley snapping at Jamie is able to briefly break her out of this. Still, Haley has Nathan and a support system willing to stick with her through all of this. Maya doesn't. This is a good example of One Tree Hill and Degrassi being very different shows. Not only that, but Degrassi depicts teenagers pretty realistically. By this point in OTH's run, the characters are adults and have a better grasp on how to handle something like this. On Degrassi, all of Maya's warning signs are either misinterpreted, missed completely, or kind of unable to be followed up on due to things like Maya kissing Zig while he has a girlfriend. So, Maya is much more alone than Haley was, with only Saad as a true companion. But even he doesn't fully understand the extent of Maya's pain and suffering. The majority of her depression manifests itself in numbness with her struggling to enjoy even the smallest things. Like Haley, Maya no longer feels like her old self. Her years of burying her grief over Cam and constantly being shat on by life itself, this time temporarily losing even her musical outlet when she breaks her wrist, has left Maya in a dark place. She questions her own existence, wondering why she gets to live, blaming herself for other people's misery. Maya clearly thinks she's cursed. Eventually, both girls attempt suicide, no longer able to take the pain. Haley is rescued by Nathan while Maya is saved by Zig and Esme. Both recover in time. Honestly, the follow up to both arcs could have been better, but things like Haley's pregnancy and Maya preparing to graduate high school obviously took precedence. Interestingly, Haley is never shown to return to pursuing music after this while Maya only reaffirms that a musical career is indeed what she wants.

Anyways, I feel like this was all over the place. So sorry about that!

Edit: I'm so annoyed with myself, but I won't be able to let it go until I also acknowledge Maya's and Haley's respective "not like other girls" issues. Both made comments alluding to looking down on cheerleaders and more popular girls. Though, both seem to identify as feminists. Maya actively seems to unlearn this trait, spending the rest of her time on the show lifting other girls up. Haley continues to perpetuate this from time to time, mostly because the showrunner was a controlling, toxic, sexual harasser who hated women.

#mayamatlinscello #suicide tw #depression tw #Long post

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berryscaryskies · 1 year ago

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Havent gotten very far in Jupiter gen yet really, but wanted to write stuff down before I forgot it lol

"Your whole life you’ve dreamed of having a big family, and well you’re a bit of a bleeding heart always having your doors open for whoever needs you. Your kids would say you’re a tad too protective and you also maybe ran into this whole parenthood thing faster than you should’ve but there’s no better way to learn than first-hand experience!"

-Iker was actually closer friends with Gaelle initially, and despite the two being kind of distant Gaelle often feels a wolfy sense of protection for her twin sister. So the two generally run in the same circle of friends. Iker and Stormi really hit it off and with only a mild suggestion from Gaelle led to the two sort of niavely getting into a romantic relationship. I imagine a lot of their early relationship was a lot more platonic than either intended. They acted more like besties than anything, but slowly the two really did fall for one another. Stormi still sometimes get caught up having a crush on Iker despite currently being married to him.

-Fun thing I was Not aware of until the two moved into their own household is that Iker actually comes from a family of spellcasters?? Like he's of an ancient bloodline and everything. Which paired with Stormi's dormant wolf is honestly so fascinating. Like from a Sims lore perspective that sim werewolves were once considered a branch spellcasters themselves before corrupting into what they are now. Also the fact that I like to imagine neither was actually aware of their family's history and were happy with the totally normal human life together away from their supernatural heritage.

-Stormi's always envisioned a life with a big family full of extended relatives and children, and it's something her and Iker can both agree on. Stormi always felt somewhat isolated growing up, she loved her mother and sister and didn't exactly desire to go through the hardships of being a werewolf the way they had to, but nonetheless felt distant from them. And considering the isolated cottage on the outskirts of town with only her mother and sister around really it's no wonder she grew up feeling rather Lonely and misunderstood. Shayne joining the family I think helped a lot, he's a bit of a weirdo tbh but he was kind and human and that allowed him to be a good parental figure for Stormi to latch onto. Regardless the goal for Stormi is to have 5 kids(at least one of them being adopted)

-Stormi and Iker's first son is named Galileo (after the satellite) I imagine they often call him Gali for short which will annoy him when's older since "leo" is obviously the cooler nickname option though no one goes with it. He's actually a werewolf too!! I hadn't really expected it and then the lil newborn baby started Howling to get their attention it was crazy. I like to imagine he'll grow up to be like an overprotective oldest brother type, lil guard dog of the family haha

-Stormi worked as a primary school teacher(i like to imagine she eventually winds up a high school teacher) actually and because of that connection she wound up with an emergency foster certification that allowed for Juno to come into their home. Juno's only a toddler, and she's a bit shy but Stormi, Iker, and Galileo all absolutely adore her so it's no wonder the filed for adoption. Stormi is also currently pregnant with baby number three who will probs be the Saturn generation.

i just use like a normal blonde in game but canonically I imagine her as more of a strawberry blonde

#planetary challenge #stormi solare

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sacredwarrior88 · 1 year ago

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What's Love Got To Do With It (Spencer Reid x OC)

Summary: Zafina Cartwright meets Spencer Reid thanks to mutual friends and despite claiming to not want a relationship due to her traumatic divorce, she still desires Spencer especially physically which leads to her feelings becoming stronger than anticipated and she lets Spencer go to protect her heart and his.

Warnings: Age gap (OC is 10 years older), mention of sex (18+ only), angst, brief mention of serial murder and rape

Tagging: @reidsbtch who inspired me to write this! Thank you baby! @reiderwriter

What’s love got to do, got to do with it? What’s love but a secondhand emotion? What’s love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Ice Queen. That is what most people called her. Ice Queen. Although the nickname was born out of derision and dislike at first, Zafina Cartwright owned it and it eventually became a term of endearment. Being in the military for so long made her develop thick skin and a hardness that made even the strongest of men fear her. Softness wasn’t in Zafina’s vocabulary nor was it in her nature.

However there was one man that changed all of that for her and was doing things to her that she never thought it possible for a man to do. Dr. Spencer Reid who was an FBI agent and major genius as well as 10 years her junior. Zafina’s ex-husband Emmett Washington was a serial killer and rapist and he absolutely ruined love and relationships for her. At first, all she wanted to focus on was her career and raising her 4 kids but they were growing up and her first 2 kids were already grown and out of the house. Her last two were teens but definitely independent enough to take care of themselves. This gave Zafina a lot of free time especially since she was getting ready to retire from the Army.

Enter Spencer Reid. She had met him thanks to her childhood friend William Lamontagne Jr who was married to Jennifer Jareau. Zafina never expected to hit it off with the BAU but she did with a quickness and the attraction between her and Spencer was obvious to everyone. Zafina was skeptical about pursuing anything with Spencer because of the age gap between them as well as not wanting to fall in love ever again. But she had needs and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t find Spencer very attractive.

Fast forward to a year later. Spencer was now laying in Zafina’s bed spooning her and kissing the back of her neck. Zafina shivered lightly as she felt a breeze against her naked body and smiled lightly as Spencer held her tighter. Every chance Spencer got, he was always at Zafina’s place and the sex between them was mind blowing to say the least. No man had ever been able to satisfy her like Spencer did! Not even her ex-husband!

Zafina’s eyes widened as Spencer whispered those three forbidden words in her ear. The words that she told him to never say because she didn’t have the heart to love again. The words that she didn’t want to hear because she’d be forced to face her fears.

“I love you.”

“Spencer, don't do that. We’ve been through this. This is strictly casual, remember?”

“Yes I know. But let’s not pretend that we haven’t gotten closer in the past year either. I’ve been spending the night more and more and you’re even cooking for me every time I come over. I’m not going to deny my feelings anymore Zafina. I’m in love with you. And I would appreciate it if you tell me the truth. How do you really feel?”

Damn it Spencer! Why did he have to admit his feelings now? Things were going so well too! Zafina could feel her heart racing and she knew that she had to end things before someone got hurt. Deep down inside, Zafina knew that she loved Spencer too but she couldn’t risk having her heart broken again. Assuming she had one to begin with.

“I feel nothing Spencer. This whole affair has been purely physical for me. It’s been amazing don’t get me wrong but I have no love for you. I can’t give you what you’re looking for. I can only give you physical pleasure.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

If only Spencer could read minds and see that Zafina was lying. All she wanted to do was pull him into her arms and make mad, passionate love to him all over again while loudly declaring her love for him. But her fear was too strong to overcome and Zafina had powerful ice walls to protect herself. She wasn’t called the Ice Queen for nothing!

“That’s not good enough for me. I want all of you, not just a part of you. I can’t do this anymore Zafina.”

She didn’t say a word as Spencer got up and got dressed. What could she say? It wouldn’t change anything. It would just cause unnecessary confusion. Zafina had to let Spencer go for his sake as well as hers.

It was for the best. Or was it? Zafina’s heart was screaming for her to go after Spencer but her body wouldn’t obey. It was for her own protection. Or at least that’s what her mind was telling her.

“Goodbye Spencer.”

Those were the last words Zafina said to him before he walked out the door and her already fragile heart shattered into a million pieces.

I’ve been taking on a new direction And I have to say I’ve been thinking about my own protection It scares me to feel this way

#criminal minds #spencer reid #original character #black woman #songfic #Spotify

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mackfabray · 6 months ago

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Need To Know | Self-Para

who: Mack Fabray when: June 24th what: Mack decides to go looking for information on their birth father warnings: brief mention of death

Mack wasn’t sure what they were expecting to find when they decided to go looking for information on their birth father. Sure, they’d been curious over the years, the vague memories of the man and their mother’s general taste in men, meant that they had an idea of what he was like, but they couldn’t say they knew him, and they weren’t sure they wanted to. However, it was hard to ignore that by being back in this part of Pennsylvania they were presented with a possibility of finding him and getting important medical history. If only for Xander’s sake. He was a healthy kid, but knowing a complete family medical history would be beneficial for Ned and Emily when it came to caring for him. So, they went searching.

In their search, they learned a number of things relatively easily. He was from Bearcreek, he’d been married, and he was now deceased. Which, so much for getting medical history from him. However, he did have children. One of whom happened to be older than Mack. Meaning that Mack was confirmed to be an affair child, but worse than that, the man had managed to keep such hidden from his wife, presumably until the day he died.

Something about knowing he was dead hurt. They hadn’t gone looking for any other reason than to get medical history, but knowing they wouldn’t ever be able to see him, to ask other questions, it hurt. They could never ask if he’d gotten the call when their mother lost custody. Could never ask why the pair had split in the first place. Yes, it was an affair, but it had lasted for years before suddenly it was over and Mack would never get those answers. Because the one person who might be willing to tell them was dead.

The ensuing breakdown over this knowledge lasted far longer than Mack would have liked to admit. But, eventually, they calmed down enough to return to their research. They needed to find at least one of his other children, one of their siblings. Because they needed that medical history and… Well, maybe meeting a sibling wouldn’t be the end of the world. It could be, but they had to try, for Xander.

Quinn Fabray. She’d been easy enough to locate online and after a bunch of debating, writing and re-writing of their message, they finally hit send. It wasn’t the best message and they weren’t sure she’d even answer, but they could at least say that they tried.

#death tw #p: self #p: s001 #p: all #holy blinking star (about)

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donnabroadway · 2 years ago

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To be young, beautiful, and the preference

I recently made a video about the Sprinkle Sprinkle lady, Sheraseven, and how her messaging didn't seem right with me, especially the part of her husband being married and having a girlfriend and her allegedly helping to clean out the wife's bank account, and I was told I didn't get it and they're right. The message is missing me, because at 36, I have lived to see a few things and know that everything she is saying is not completely copacetic and simply unrealistic and don't make sense. When I was 23, I was asked on a date by an older gentleman who then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to be a courtesans, which is another word for escort or, what we call today, a 304. This was not the first or last time I was asked this. I wasn't that type of girl, so I declined but no shame to those who are in the life. I had offers from older men to "take care of me," which was expected as I was young and beautiful and they were older, not necessarily ugly, but older with stable careers and money and we both knew what it was. But I noticed by the time I hit my late 20s, the offers kind of stopped. Not completely, as the man got to be a bit older, but slowed down. I say all that to say, the women like Savannah James and Sheraseven, who can truly have the hypergamous life, at seemingly very little expense, are few and far between and even Shera7 is looking a little funny in the light and Savannah doesn't talk much, so it's easy to project onto her.

I have noticed that most of the discord against Sheraseven and the SprinkleSprinkle movement comes from women in my age range, mid-late 30s to Gen X women in their 50s because we've been through it and we see how the men treat these women when they're done with them and it's not us being bitter that we're "old," it's that we know how it turns out and all the stuff they're telling you and giving you is just B.S. But like every generation, this generation of young people will have to figure it out on their own and will eventually join the elder circle of those watching the young people make the mistakes they once made.

There is a reason why the age gap between men and women began to widen around the age of 28 or so because as women began to wisen up, so do men and the luster tends to wane on both ends and this also the age when most people start to permanently, or at least legally, couple up and begin families and men, who like to impress with money, material things, and experiences can't really do that with a woman who has been experiencing that life since she was 17 or 18. Bow Wow, who is only a few months younger than me, famously said he want a woman he can give new experiences to and Marques Houston, who is in his early 40s, said he wanted a younger woman who didn't have baggage and kids, all the while saying his 19 year old wife was more mature than women twice her age. Okay. This is nothing new, men can simply blame it on feminism and independent womanhood but if we go back to history, the amount of our grandmothers and great grandmothers who got married and became mothers before they turned 18, to men twice their age, is astounding and this was before women had "rights." So miss me with the reasonings and excuses.

Youth and beauty are the most depreciating commodities but we treat them like they're everlasting and for some reason, every generation believes they are the exception and not the rule. Men have trained young, beautiful, 18-25 year old women to give them their peak beauty and time, many times to be left with very little to show for it once they hit the proverbial wall of 35 and up. Every older woman with a not so tight body and 3-4 kids, was once supple, young, and believed the world was her oyster was well and that she would never be traded in for the newest model. The naivete and resilience of late teens-20 somethings to see the best in life and that they're the exception will always amaze me because 20 somethings, who have never experienced life on their own, believe they have it all figured out. I remember being in my early 20s and getting offended when an older person told me I had more to learn or that I wasn't as wise as I thought I was and they weren't wrong and I should have listened because I would have saved myself a few mistakes and some time.

The way things were done may have changed but the game is still the same. I was in my early-mid 20s when social media really began popping to the point where nobodies became bigger stars than those with legit talent. It made multimillionaires and red carpet staples out of ordinary people. IG really became the new King Magazine, if you know you know, where a new way of life opened for women simply because they were beautiful. These women like Amber Rose, Black Chyna, Brittney Renner, India Love, Bernice Burgous, and even Kim Kardashian would go viral every time they posted a picture and many got opportunities and high profile relationships from it. The IG baddies who were at their peak in the early-mid 2010s are all in their thirties and some in their 40s and they're starting to pivot. They know Kim Kardashian is the only 40 plus woman who can still post a naked picture and it seem normal. Women in this life, from all generations, typically do one of three things, they have a baby, they get married, or they pivot into a successful business owner or even religion. The women who are my age, mid-late 30s are considered old or used up because this is the age your body changes and no longer easily bounces back, and women tend to be wiser and talk back a little more and men want a trophy and not a chihuahua.

The amount of women who believe they can outplay the architect of the game, is amazing to me. The game will always be rigged to let just enough of the select few in for us to believe we all have a chance at being the exception to the rule. The amount of women I see who believe they are playing men, only to get played at the end, is astounding. I remember when Ashley, from RHOP, was still married to Michael and they redid their prenup after he got caught cheating to get half of their shared assets and they're now divorced and she's not getting any child support while living in a house she cannot afford, that is in an LLC, that Michael owns and he can come by anytime he wants and make her company leave but let the internet tell it, Ashley won and she outplayed Michael.

There is a phrase that goes "church is where hoes go to die" because at some point, everyone ages out of the game, no matter what game you play, and sometimes the church is the only place a former hussie can have a little bit of power. There is a reason why Blac Chyna and Brittany Renner are trying to pivot because while they're still beautiful and someone's dream girl, they've aged out of the population they were once prominent in.

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linawritesocs · 2 years ago

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TEEHEE OKAY SO 16 and 7 for allen, 11 for roland, 13 and 14 for minnie, and 18 for angel >:D

THANK YOU SO MUCH SOL!! and yes, i read that ask about seth and i added him too!

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16. "if your muse could say one thing to their childhood self, what would they say? would your muse want to meet their childhood self in the first place?"

allen: i doubt that allen would want to see his younger self. thinking about it makes him feel so.. sad, he had to go through a lot when he was a child even though his parents spoiled him. allen wouldn't want to raise his child self's expectations too high, but he also knows that love was his main motivation to keep living for a long time, so if he did meet his child self, then he would tell him to never stop believing that one day he will find someone special.

7. "did your muse have any enemies? playground rivalries? how did that turn out?"

allen: there were some kids who didn't like allen that much and were jealous of him because of how rich he was, so every time he tried to talk to them, they would tell him to go away or they would actually fight him. it's part of the reason why allen is so strong now, he eventually learned to fight back and he got used to dealing with them. also, you can kinda count riley as his enemy, i guess? though allen didn't really hate him back then, he just thought that he was a very weird kid and avoided him.

11. "what expectations were placed on your muse as a child? who had those expectations for your muse? how did your muse feel about them?"

roland: roland's parents are actually kinda similar to riley's parents because they let this guy do anything he wanted and that's why he was such a troublemaker in the past. they never had any expectations for him, they even would be okay with him becoming a bad person because they were just so happy to have a kid. and now roland kinda wishes his parents were at least a bit more strict with him, maybe he wouldn't grow up to become such a cruel and violent person if they tried to stop him. roland is a lot like his parents now, if you think about it, because now he's obsessed with making people like him and he's okay with doing anything they want from him, even if it hurts him and he knows that those people have bad intentions.

13. "what did your muse want to be when they grew up? did they have any childhood dreams, and have they achieved them?"

minnie: little minnie wanted to become a president!! >:D no, when people asked if she wanted to be a princess, she said that it would be too unrealistic because she's obviously not royalty and she's not planning to marry one, she would rather do everything without anyone's help. and about achieving her dreams.. well, uh, at least she becomes seth's vice prefect in the future.

14. "who was a mentor or a hero to your muse as a kid? why did your muse look up to them and what did your muse learn from them? how is that relationship now?"

minnie: the closest thing minnie had to a mentor/hero was her mom and she still respects her a lot. minnie says that her mom was a very admirable and hardworking person before her dad left and that's when her mom lost all hope and motivation. she still loves her mom, however, she's not sure if she wants to go back home, because even though she misses her, she has lost a big part of her life (and it was supposed to be the most fun part of her life, it's her childhood after all) because she was too busy taking care of her and trying to help her get better.. and she's too scared of it happening again. she can't go back home until she's absolutely sure that her mom is doing fine and her brother is okay with taking care of her if something goes wrong.

18. "what's one thing that instantly transports your muse back to their childhood? why?"

angel: it's sugar cookies! angel's older sister liked to bake them often and angel liked to steal them from her when she wasn't looking. also reading outdoors! again, it's because of their older sister, she enjoyed reading in their family's garden more than her room and angel liked to sit next to her while she was reading even though angel found her books boring since there weren't any pictures.

8. "what did your muse do in their free time? How did they entertain themself as a kid?"

seth: oh, he did A LOT of things. he read as many books as he could (mostly fiction and he believed all of it was real), he painted, he played games, he watched movies and videos, he also spent a lot of time online and that's how he learned to do so many things, he just found the info he needed and used it. his sister luna praised him for his work, but she also reminded him not to push himself too hard and she actually found some of his hobbies too dangerous, like there was a time when he accidentally broke his leg when he tried to learn how to dance. he also tried to cut his hair without luna's help once and he ended up injuring himself with scissors and that's why his hair stayed long for so many years, luna refused to let him do it himself and said that she's the only one who's allowed to cut his hair. and whenever seth asked her to help him, she simply said "you look better with long hair, so let's keep it"

#lina plays ask games #friend: sol!#the ultimate simp: allen #the gardening club leader: roland thorn #the mouse girlboss: minnie #a strange but loving dorm leader: angel #the isolated prince: seth

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tired-salty-vampire · 28 days ago

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This hit way too hard. I came out to my mom late last year for similar fears. My parents aren't bad people, per say, and they love all of their kids - myself tentatively still included - very much. But it has always felt like there were strings attached. I told her that I'd been with my partner now for over a year and we plan to get married eventually. She said that while she and my dad would not shun me from the family, they would not be celebrating my relationship. Most of my family are very religious so I was amazed that I wasn't cut off on the spot because my parents had shunned my older sisters (who have since been welcomed back into family functions) for years on end for far less. I was proud of them for that and it showed growth and while I wasn't expecting them to be elated and jumping off the walls in excitement for me, I am sad that they will never be happy for me and that I've found someone I love, loves me in return, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We spent our last Christmas with our respective families before moving out of state and neither my partner nor I were able to spend it together at each other's famiy homes because they are both incredibly pious and have forbidden the other from being at their house. So we are allowed to still be with our families on the condition that our partner is not with us. This just drove home even more the "loved with strings attached" aspect of family who isn't awful, but definitely not great.

"It's just so sad." This something my mom has always said about people who are LGBTQ+. Especially about my uncle, who has been married to his husband for three decades at this point, but I didn't find out by that he was gay until I was fifteen. He'd been a part of my life with his "roommate" who'd occasionally come to Christmas or other holidays. It just wasn't talked about because of the homophobia and essentially the homoerasur from my parents and their parents.

Whenever she would say things like that, I'd always think, "No, what's sad is that you think it's sad for people to love someone of the same sex. Or to realize that they identify as someone that they weren't originally assigned at birth. It is sad that you can't accept or respect people who have different beliefs than you and don't adhere to the rigid system you do, and you reject them on principal."

My only hope is that after my partner and I are married, my parents at least will allow me to bring my wife to family gatherings. Because I have every right to do that just as much as a heterosexual family member would.

To come back to what OP said, most parents of queer people usually aren't just straight forward good or bad, kind or abusive. It's very often some confusing and emotionally trying combination of "We still love you, but with conditions" and because of that you never know where the line is or what is safe to mention or talk about before they go off on you about "life choices".

Overall, having parents or family members who are passive aggressively "accepting" of your being queer is likely more far common than media shows and that aspect, as much as it sucks and is complicated, is still worth sharing.

I feel like we always see parents who are 100% super supportive allies, or parents who are horrible and cruel. At least in media or in the most popular stories. But I feel like that ignores just how many people have parents where you just have no idea? And even if you think they’ll accept you on a surface level, you don’t know if they have a breaking point. Especially if you need to go on hrt, or request they change the way they think about and refer to you. Sure they’re liberal and all, or centrists, or “tolerant”, but how far does that stretch?

I think most closeted LGBT+ kids live like this, wading around in the grey area. I’d like it of more of us knew that was normal, I’d like if we talked about it more.

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gojoidyll · 2 months ago

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chant the same old mantra

gojo x wife!reader pt. 3

i just wanna be loved. stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.

pt. 1 , pt. 2

taglist

@acornwinter @shokosbunny @tw0fvced @thesunxwentblack @roscpctals99 @mononlogue @meg3mis @lailamatepeque @iamrgo @crookedtimetravelheart @jsprien213 @avaliniko @mischeif-maker @theepitomeofswag @akio-ayashi @saihar4s @dann-acalle @yozora7154 @spookysoowpprince @iluv-ace

some say "no blogs found" when i try to tag them

The moment that Ijichi got off the phone you had immediately punched him right in the gut, “idiot! Why did you call Gojo?! I have everything under control!”

Which was the truth, sure at first the situation did start to get out of handle, but by gritting your teeth and using all the strength you had left you took out the enemy the second that Ijichi got off the phone.

“I- I’m sorry-“

“And now he’s coming here. Do you realize how mad he will be once he realizes that he came here for nothing-?!”

“I wouldn’t say it was for nothing,” Gojo said.

His sudden voice and appearance made you groan both inwardly and outwardly as you turned to look at him. His body seeming to materialize out of thin air.

He… teleported himself here?

“Gojo.”

Ijichi looked between you both and had instantly felt the tension, so he politely excused himself as he went to go get the car, and once he was gone you crossed your arms over your chest.

“I thought I said not to come for me?”

“You did, but I chose not to listen.”

You saw how he pulled his blindfold off, slowly as if to see your reaction. You gave him no indication to caring.

“As per usual. You never seem to listen. At least not to me.”

“Y/n, I-“

You stopped him, “you know, maybe this is a good time to finally talk things out. Honestly, it has all been weighing on my mind recently, and then Megumi talked to me…,” you trailed off before looking at Gojo. And you really looked at him.

Despite being older now, he still looked like his old self. Strong, worried over his teammates, and unbelievably cocky. But you also saw the memories that came with it. The unspoken words od I love you that gradually turned to hate just because he was forced to marry you.

You wondered, silently, that if he wasn’t forced, then would your relationship have been normal?

Would you both have gone through an ordinary relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend before he eventually pops the question one lazy afternoon when you’re both sitting on the couch watching a Digimon rerun.

What wishful thinking.

“Gojo. This isn’t working out. Not anymore.”

His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, anything, but in the end, he was at a loss for words. It wasn’t until he saw you turn to walk away that he stopped you.

“So what now?”

It wasn’t a question you were expecting Gojo to ask you. He didn’t seem like the type to care. At least, not now anyway.

“Divorce?”

The word slipped out of your mouth before you could stop it. A mere suggestion in hopes that he agrees.

“No can do.”

You frowned at his dismissal as you finally turned back to him, “and why not?”

“Our family agreement, remember? In order for us to get a divorce, you have to have a kid with me.”

You thought back to the arrangement meeting, to the wedding, to how he hadn’t made a move to touch you at all. You thought back to the agreement. How could you possibly forget?

Well, then again, it was easy too when Gojo made you want to forget…

“Fine, we can adopt-“

“Has to be ours, wifey.”

You pursed your lips at that, your anger slowly starting to take root.

“Whatever, so once that happens, you’ll let me go?”

He watched you intently as you spoke those words. Let you go, huh? He felt like he never had you to begin with. All because of his own doing no less.

“Sure, anything you want…”

You watched him carefully before sighing, “fine then, I guess I’ll see you back at the estate?”

“Our estate.”

“Not for long,” you said simply before hearing the honk of horn only to see Ijichi pull up with the car, “now, are you coming, or are you going to teleport again?”

Gojo was surprised that you even asked, but he smiled nonetheless and agreed to join you in the backseat. He didn’t expect anything like this to happen today.

But now he had a new goal to work towards, and that was to not give you a baby.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #gojo angst #satoru gojo x you #satoru gojo x reader #gojou satoru x reader #jujutsu kaisen gojo #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #jjk gojo #gojo x reader #gojo x y/n #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo satoru x you

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journeyforthepublic · 1 year ago

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Well, here we go...

This feels so weird for me, I genuinely don't expect anyone to read or relate to this. I tried journaling alone in my room with pen and paper and maybe it's the Gen Z in me but keeping up with it proved to be difficult. A therapist that I admire who said during his own healing journey that he started a blog inspired me to do this and here I am. Maybe it'll be easier to type instead of writing on paper, and maybe it'll feel cooler to make it seem like I'm talking to an audience instead of just to myself. I'm willing to try anything to get out of the dark place I'm currently finding myself in. A little bit about me might be a good way to start this off so, I'm a 20-something gay guy born and raised in Southern Cali and still living here today, mixed race, tall, taurus, and probably the most emotional person you'll ever meet. I've been told all my life by family, friends, and even my ex-boyfriend that my emotions are a burden, and I believed that for so long. But now I want to start seeing them as a superpower, there's nothing wrong with feeling things deeply and often, the care that I have for people comes from my mom and I never want to lose that. Back to the topic at hand, if you can't tell I have no outline, no game plan, nothing for any of these posts so we will go off on tangents at times because that's how my brain works. I have a dad and stepmom who live in another state, my mom passed away when I was in high school, I have two older brothers both married (straight) with kids and more on the way. And I, my friends am the homosexual disappointment of the family. I'm currently reading a book called Single on Purpose, I just got out of my first relationship so trying to figure out how to be me again, and the author is currently writing about pinpointing the time in your life when you lost confidence, lost love for yourself, stared putting others needs before your own, and became the kind of person that lost what they love to do and what makes them feel alive. I've been trying to pinpoint those moments in my life, and I have chocked it up to 3 big turning points in my life that I'll talk about over time on this blog. First off, we have going to high school. Coming in at second would be, my mom dying. And last but not least would be, being forced out of the closet by my dad. Now every one of these situations has stories and explanations to go along with them but for now I'm leaving it at that and will explain more in future posts. I don't know if this blog will actually help, but I do find myself going through one of the darkest times in my life since my mom died (this might end up being turning point number 4) and I'm willing to try anything to help myself through this at this point. Also a warning, a whole lot of this will eventually be about my ex. We broke up not too long ago, he was my first relationship, my longest relationship, and will always go down in history as my first love, and the indifference he has shown since we broke up is telling me every day that he never actually loved me. Processing that alone has proved to be extremely difficult so, we're going to be processing this together. I was right, talking to the void is much easier than my pen and paper, see you next time.

#healing #self help #life

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years ago

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When Obi-Wan gets to AotC, there's also about two dozen Anakin clones on-site. They're all girls because... IDK Anakin is trans. They have a hive mind and are developmentally a few years younger than Anakin himself.

It's incredibly unsettling to Obi-Wan.

It's almost definitely a "fuck with Anakin's already fragile mental health" ploy by Palpatine, along with a "what if Jedi Black Widows, for me, a Sith Lord. Wouldn't that be neat? That would be neat."

Anakin is torn between "this freaks me out" and "GANG OF BABY SISTERS LET'S GOOOOOOO."

(I just finished reading Like Real People Do by glimmerglanger, so this is definitely inspired by that and the obligatory 'lay back in bed and daydream variations on plot points of that fic you just really enjoyed,' and also a little by Same Heart, Same Blood by loosingletters.)

They're physically like 14-16 on average, and Anakin's vibrating out of his skin with a million conflicting emotions, but when he tells Padme she's just like "oh, you have a handmaiden gang!"

I told this to @willowcrowned and she suggested:

Once Anakin decides to repress the part of him that’s weirded out and just regard them as baby sisters he gets. A little strange about it The first time one of them dies he may or may not slaughter every person he can [in response to Padme's comment] Anakin starts worrying that he needs to get them cool matching outfits

I also chatted about it with @firebirdeternal and they said:

Gang of Unsettling Smol Siblings is exactly the Karma that Anakin deserves

Do you think the Clones have a kind of Collective Name that they use at first that eventually just kind of morphs into a new last name? Skysisters or something? Like Palpatine was trying to be clever and name them like the Nightsisters.

I initially went with "functionally one person" hive-mind but I'm torn.

I think maybe they're BASICALLY one person on Kamino but drift into Separate Consciousness once they're far enough apart physically that their minds don't blend from proximity anymore.

Then they start Dating (like half of them are dating Fett clones because they grew up with these dudes, it's like childhood friends romance), and Anakin loses his mind about Protecting Them and They're Too Young.

Padme: You're nineteen and we just got married, they can date. Anakin: THEY'RE EIGHT. Padme: And the Fett clones are ten and dying for us in the field. Get them rights before you panic about their love lives.

Firebird:

it could be worse, one of them could imprint on Obi-Wan. "Anakin I promise I won't yell at you for the next five stupid things you do if you can figure out a way to stop this baby from having a crush on me" (I like the idea of Obi-wan bargaining not with "I won't be mad at you ever" because they Both Know That's Not True, and instead haggling with specific allowances. Like he's handing out Stupidity Coupons)

Please imagine Mace and Obi-Wan's personal responses to the idea of suddenly having to deal with not one, not two, but OVER TWENTY SKYWALKERS.

Plo is delighted to take one off their hands.

So is Yoda.

Willow:

Mace is like. okay suicide isn’t the Jedi way but on the other hand. i physically cannot deal with this Yoda: a skywalker, you say? one who is tall enough to reach the top shelf, you say? such a skywalker, bring me

Anakin would be given at least one because fuck you, suffer with us, but he's still a padawan so Ugh, fine, no.

I want to say one stays on Coruscant to hang out with the Guard, and ends up half-adopted by Padme. She keeps dressing up the Aniclone left with her in handmaiden outfits and sending selfies to Anakin.

"Hanging out with the little SiL!"

Anakin has so many issues about WHEN his genetic material was acquired.

And there's some confusion from the Fett clones about how much of a hive mind is normal for Jedi. They are confused that the answer is basically none, and "this is WHY nobody clones a Jedi"

ONE OF THEM STEALS BOBA FROM THE ARENA ON GEONOSIS.

Firebird:

"I have followed in our progenitor's footsteps and acquired a sibling." holds up a struggling Boba "He bites."

Willow:

Ooooo okay so if they have a sort of hive mind then they probably don’t have names other than their designations on Kamino right BUT When they SEPARATE The one that picks Boba up on Geonosis gets a name specifically for that. Okay what if the one Padmé picks up gets some variant on ‘pretty’ because she’s always being dressed up BELLE Maybe Yoda’s Ani has a name that means thief? Because obviously Yoda is using Anakin to steal sweets

So, to make the timeline work...

I don't think anyone would give Anakin one of his sisters until after he's knighted at least.

So obviously when they're doing initial placements none of the sisters go to him or Obi-Wan.

Once he's knighted, of course they're already all placed with someone, and Anakin instead gets Ahsoka. He loves Ahsoka. She is also a little sister. He said so.

At some point afterwards, one of the sisters is left without a place because the Master that was in charge of her died in the field battle.

That sister then gets placed with Obi-Wan, because he's already mostly-successfully raised one Skywalker, so he can do it again.

Anakin gets to hang out with her basically all the time.

Ahsoka is very very jealous of this girl stealing Anakin's attention.

Anakin is oblivious to the rivalry.

He asks Barriss to look after them while he's discussing Adult War Things with Luminara and Obi-Wan, and Barriss gets an eye into This Mess, which is quickly colored by Ahsoka growing a puppy crush on the lovely Miss Offee herself.

Firebird:

Ahsoka: Ah yes, my nemesis. Anisister: Ah yes, my new older sister whom I want to impress so bad.

"I will impress her by being Stoic and Competent" "Oh my god she must think she's so much better than me what a bitch"

Anakin is oblivious to most things to be fair Anakin: Laser focused precision fighting machine who can read the tiniest body movements and predict your moves seconds in advance, who also cannot understand even the most basic social nuance. I was originally writing this as to Dunk on Anakin but then I made myself sad, because none of those things are really his fault.

So you know that post about like, Sasuke and Brooding, specifically in the context of "Brooding" as it's used to refer to Nesting Chickens? Grouchy and protective and sitting on a tennis ball trying to hatch it because they're just. "These are my Babies." Anakin Broods. Baby sisters. Must protecc. "I'm actually fine and extremely deadly in combat." "MUST PROTECT."

Bad Guy: [catches Ahsoka in a Trap] Aniclone: Must rescue sister! Aniclone: [fights, is not winning fight, gets ouched] Ahsoka tearing her way out of Trap: I lived bitch. Also: stay the fuck away from her. [murders so hard]

Ahsoka catches the Protective Older Sib feels by the traditional method: "Hey, only I'm allowed to be mean to them."

Willow:

Oh Anakin has no clue what’s going on. He walks in on Ahsoka glaring at the Ani and is like!!! Little sisters!!! Bonding!!! When Ahsoka was about three seconds away from tossing her out of the airlock. Ahsoka mistakenly assumes that Barriss has a crush on the Ani, and gets even MORE jealous.

Obi-Wan is like oh god. I can’t take care of an Anakin going through puberty again. He’s great with periods and other stuff because he read about a billion books. He is TERRIBLE with everything else, as he was the first time.

Barriss is like???? YOU'RE BOTH CHILDREN, PLEASE CALM DOWN, I HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN DATING ANYONE, LET ALONE SOMEONE YOUR AGE.

IDK how old Obi-Wan's Aniclone is, probably physically the same age as Ahsoka?

Per @atagotiak on discord:

Also something something, similarities btw Anakin and Obi-Wan where like. "Am I a parent? That seems uncomfortable, I'm too young to be a dad to a kid this age, I mean I'm cool with being a mentor/caretaker but..."

Obi-Wan can't even sidestep parenthood this time.

"Is Anakin basically your dad?" "Uhhhhhh" [Muffled discussion] "So Obi-Wan is your dad." "Okay!" "WAIT NO I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS"

Ahsoka: She's stealing my brother, that BITCH. Obi-Wan's Aniclone: new sister new sister new sister gotta make a good impression

Firebird:

I feel like the Sister Squad would make very effective interstellar espionage agents Even like, kind of by accident. They just get encouraged to branch out in their interests and figure out what they want to do with their lives and end up all over the dang place, and since they're all pretty dang competent they tend to gravitate towards Important Positions wherever they end up. Except for one sister who just retires to raise Space Sheep.

I like that in this AU Palpatine is just like "I will create an army of Loyal Murderers who will obey my every whim and also be a big psychological lever on my Other Pet Murderer," and then they all just Baby Duckling imprint on the first Jedi to be nice to them instead and he has to just be like "Wait no not like that."

AND one of them Steals Boba

I want Obi-Wan's Aniclone to start dating Fives. All the sisters judge her for it, because he's a Goof. A very competent, ARC Trooper goof! But a goof.

Not as goofy as Anakin, though.

Firebird:

Who expects a clone of Anakin Skywalker to not make questionable lifelong romantic choices impulsively?

#Anakin Skywalker #Ahsoka Tano #Obi Wan Kenobi #Disaster Lineage #Sheev Palpatine #Skeevy Sheev #cloning #Yoda #Mace Windu #Skysisters AU #trans anakin skywalker #Phoenix Posts #hive mind #Padme Amidala #Anidala

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