#Beanie's thoughts

[hisnameisbeanie]

SPOILERS FOR HELLUVA BOSS S2 EP 11

It's so sad to think about this, but in the Apology Tour episode, when Stolas sings All 2 U (Motherfucker), we see how heartbroken he is while he sings about his (perceived) unrequited love.

He thinks he never mattered, and Blitz clearly feels bad about making him feel this way; he doesn't know how to tell him how he feels, and he doesn't want anyone to get close to him because he thinks he ruins everything he touches (as we later see in Ghost Fuckers).

And this was the last time Blitz saw Stolas before their break-up:

And of course he's heartbroken at the thought of Stolas moving on.

He's sure he'll never get the chance to make things right, to apologize, to fix things so they can have some kind of actual relationship.

And then, in Mastermind, when he's sure that he is about to die, Stolas appears.

And he finds out that not only does Stolas still love him, when he was sure he was moving on with someone new, but he loves him enough to literally sacrifice himself to keep Blitz alive.

And you can see Blitz's horrified understanding dawning on him: that there is nothing that he can do to stop this from happening.

He believes that Stolas will die before he can apologize.

He believes he will die without ever knowing that he loves him.

It is clear in this moment that all he can think about is what he believes is happening on the other side of that door.

He believes that Stolas is about to die because of him.

And he doesn't think he's worth it.

[hisnameisbeanie]

^ I'm in a similar boat.

I don't have an official diagnosis, but a year or two ago, a friend (that was formerly diagnosed) just straight-up asked me if I was autistic. And I didn't think I was, because the only reference point I had for autism was what I'd seen in movies/tv. (I was born in '91, so we really didn't have representation).

She sent me a quiz she'd used to help her with getting her diagnosis. (For anyone curious: here), and I took it out of curiousity. And when I sent her my results, she sent me hers, and went, "LOOK, TWINS!"

So, I started doing my research, and looking into it more, and realized that, oh, holy shit, this makes my life make A LOT more sense. The stimming, the echolalia, the agoraphobia, the special interests...

It has helped me so much to understand why my brain works the way that it does. And now I have more friends that are autistic, too, and based on the peer review they've all given, I'd say it's a pretty good self diagnosis.

And more recently, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which was a lot less surprising, since it runs in my family, but the medication is helping with that aspect of my life at least.

I was bullied so much for being 'weird' and 'different' and now, as an adult, I'm learning why I struggled so much with doing 'normal' things. And it's just nice to see other people sharing their experiences with this. (Sorry for adding so much to your post!)

friend asked recently how I knew I was autistic (late self dx) and after a joking answer of ‘five autistic people told me unprompted in the span of about two weeks, I settled on: I don’t.

I don’t Know that I’m autistic. What I do know is that my life makes more sense, and is easier to navigate, when I view it through the lens of being autistic.

I learnt what masking was, and started to undo the damage of 20+ years of it. I let myself stim for the first time out of joy and it was incredible. I recognised it as a regulation skill and started using it for coping. I stopped being cruel to myself about making ‘weird’ noises, I let myself ask for tone clarification from friends. I stopped thinking I was being rude by mimicking others (echolalia). I started respecting my own communication needs and differences. I started being able to communicate these with friends and loved ones, and had the language to do so. I recognised my sensory needs and was better at reducing shutdowns and meltdowns (which is also been confused by and blamed myself for in the past). I also could better identify things that were genuinely impeding on my life and ways to work with myself around them. (Social situations are easier now that I know what information I need before hand, and can prepare. I know what the difficulty involved in switching tasks is and can work with myself on it.)

Mostly I stopped bullying myself the way I’d been bullied growing up for everything that has made me ‘weird’. I stopped policing everything I did the way my parents had in an effort to ‘help’ me blend in. (I don’t resent them for this- I understand that what they did to me is likely what was done to them and they didn’t (and don’t) recognise it.)

Not a weird or broken horse, but a regular zebra.

[umblrspectrum]

do you ever like wanna make something cool but you dont know how so you just sit around like a moron for 5 hours straight pretending you know how

me neither

on a more serious note i know ad astra as a whole isnt over but i still want to thank daybreaker for their fics. what friends are for was the very first md fic i ever stumbled upon when trying out ao3 for the first time, and prior to joining the server i was checking it near daily for uploads. god knows if i'd be as deep in ao3 as i am now if it werent for this story and convenient timing. Thanks for the story.

[5oobin]

YEONJUN ✦ EP.43 minisode 3: TOMORROW

[hisnameisbeanie]

^ My addition to the post, I'm just over here now.

So Episode 6 wasn't my favorite but! I did collect all the soft stares Angel gave Husk

Bonus:

Angel being Niffty's dad

The heaven part was okay for me but Angel and the gang was wonderful

Can't wait to finish the season

[calciumyum]

The Iliad modern AU but make it Indonesian

Eng ver + explanation

[hanjlsung-archive]

endless hanji gifs 1/♡ for @strayklds ♡

[dademigod]

Just finished binging PnF and I’d just like to say

I like them a normal amount

[polyamorouspunk]

I want to push a boy’s beanie off his head while I make out with him so I can start playing with his hair <3

[sorryiliketoscreenshot]

| I AM ALIVE

[hisnameisbeanie]

I kept thinking about this version of Stolas that we briefly see in Mastermind, and I think I finally figured out what about it was itching my brain. Because besides the obvious change of him looking like a fucking eldritch god here - if I'm not mistaken, this is the only time that we actually see him fly.

And I know that's not a huge thing, because in all fairness, he's never really had a reason to utilize this form, given that he can use magic to open portals.

I just found it kind of interesting to actually see him take flight.

[shapeless-lord]

it's May 9th, which means that Cheezer the mouse is turning 23 today!

happy birthday Cheezer!!

[saintmalosunsets]

Shane Taylor at actor boot camp (pt. 2/3)

[dandunn]

His names Rafaello and he thinks he's a model.

[moodyseal]

Whenever people in the AA universe made fun of Phoenix for his hair I used to go like "Aw but it slays why would they say that :(" until I actually had to sit down and draw it. Now I think he needs to be bullied more actually

[kweenratking]

"I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I decided when I heard his voice"

?? Hello?? ? most underrated line in the show???

That is some romance movie shit right there I'm so serious