#Bald with big noses guys gotta stick together

[spongebob-connoisseur]

Nosferatu really out here struggling. What could be worse than being bald with a big nose😩

[bump1nthen1ght]

Pack Tactics (Werewolf x Reader)

Pairing: Fem!Reader/Male!Werewolf

Genre: Urban Fantasy, Established Couple, Angst with a happy ending

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2896 words

Summary: You are in a wonderful relationship with your sweet partner, Gray. But this far into the relationship, you’ve yet to tell him you have no intentions ever of having kids. You can’t help but wonder, how will your child-loving werewolf boyfriend will react?

Request: I live for very specific comfort! No pressure if this doesn’t inspire you or if you just don’t want to write it obvi.... but could I have a f!reader x m!werewolf where the reader is 100% sure she doesn’t want to have kids ever never ever in any capacity and is worried about how her werewolf bf is going to react, worried she’ll be dumped or something (ya know cause idk I feel like werewolves are built with a breeding kink and like into the whole having a lot of pups) there can be smut if you want!! I love me some dramatic angst comfort :)))))))

A/N: Sorry this took so long y’all, school and stuff has been kicking my ass. But writing this sweet little fic has been a nice reprieve from my work. Hope you enjoy!

“Alright, I’ll get the chicken, the asparagus, and the pasta. You’ve got the wine and the dessert?”

“Sure thing.”

The two of you nod, Gray stepping away from the grocery cart before you call out to him.

“And not one of those huge tubs of ice cream.”

Gray emits a dramatic whine, pouting.

“But the big one is 25 cents cheaper than those little pints. It’s practically free!”

You furrow your brow and pat him on the shoulder.

“Not if we don’t finish them, they aren’t. Now go.” Gray rolls his eyes, clutching his heart and throwing his head back. You playfully push him, walking away with the grocery cart and towards the deli section. You can see the top of Gray’s wild brown hair as he moves into the next aisle, his 6’5” form towering over all the little old ladies who usually crowd the store.

You’re browsing the chicken, trying to decide between 2 breasts or a full rotisserie, when a familiar sound reaches you.

“Oh! If it isn’t ____.” You forcibly paint a smile, fingers automatically clenched around the stellafoam package as you turn to see your next door neighbor Mrs. Star. Her teased, bleached blonde hair teeters on top of her head, bobbing back and forth with the clack of her neon blue heels. While you can respect the 60-year old for digging her feet in and refusing to update her wardrobe from the 80’s, her pension for gossip is a little less admirable. “Shocked to see you out and about, what with that big ol boyfriend of yours.” She says, blue eyeshadow crinkling into a wink and nudging you with your elbow. You wheeze a bit, quickly covering it with a laugh. “Back in our honeymoon phase, Richard and I barely left the bedroom. And he was half-way balding back then, not the babe-a-rama you got going over there.” Mrs. Star’s laugh reaches a pitch almost too high for your human ears to pick up, maybe even giving Gray 2 aisles over a headache.

“Well, y’know, gotta keep our energy up.” You wince, immediately berating yourself for that comment. Mrs. Star throws her hand up in a “oh, you” gesture, letting out another half-whistle half-screeching chuckle.

“Oh I do, honey, I do.” She sends you another dramatic wink, which you return with a shaky smile. The corner of your cart bumps into hers as you begin walking along the meat aisle, trying to forcibly end this interaction. But Mrs. Star pulls off an impressive turn with her cart and strolls alongside you. She does little to hide her wandering eyes, trying to piece together any juicy info from your groceries. “So, are you two trying for kids yet?”

The wheels squeal to a sudden stop, forcing you to choke on your saliva as the shopping cart’s handle digs into your stomach. You keep your gaze locked on the frozen steaks  and turkeys, already way past the chicken you meant to grab.

“Uhhh, no. We’re not really in the phase of our relationship yet.”

Mrs. Star clicks her tongue, pressing her hand to her chest in a show of embarrassment. “I’m sorry, dearie. Old habits you see, whenever a new couple moves in together I assume they’re halfway to the wedding already. You young kids like to take it slow, huh?”

You nod, hastily grabbing a package of buffalo wings, hoping for an excuse to escape this conversation.

Mrs. Star continues to walk by you, her cart blocking off any convenient means to leave unless you significantly pick up her speed. Her eyes glance over the sweats sat in a display in the center of the aisle, humming a small tune.

The end of the aisle is approaching, you’re almost home free! You ready your feet to book it with an excuse, but Mrs. Star clears her throat and begins to speak.

“Now dearie, I don’t mean to pry-”

What do you call these last 3 minutes, Star?

“But I’d at least pop on a ring on that finger soon. Someday someone’s going to snatch that boy up like a piece of meat, saying all the right things. Men got all those suspicions about over-the-hill pregnancies, his eyes might start wandering. That’s how my first divorce went, so I should know.”

You pull your cart to a stop, breathe catching as you look at Mrs. Star, shocked. You can handle some inappropriate questions, but to question your boyfriend’s loyalty and insulting your relationship is crossing another line. Your brows furrow with a simmering anger, your cheeks heating up as you're ready to let loose.

“Well, Mrs. Star, if you must know I have the most wonderful boyfriend on this side of the planet, and unlike your deadbeat first husband, he’s as loyal as they can be.” Mrs. Star looks at you, eyes widened and right hand halfway to grab a pack of oreos. You huff, pushing your cart away from hers and towards the cash register. Right before you leave her sight, you turn back to her with a simpering smirk. “Have a great day, Mrs. Star!”

Your heart is heaving with anger, prepping a rant to Gray about the horrible interaction you just had. On the other side of the store, you spot Gray, his curly hair all tussled, holding a large Rosé and a package of ice cream sandwiches. Just the sight of his back calms you a bit, excited for some delicious food and late-night cuddles. You jog a little towards him, but slow down when you see him crouch down, looking at something hidden from your sight.

You turn your shopping cart slightly, trying to peer behind his massive form, and freeze.

Gray’s sticking out his tongue, pushing up his nose, and making many more silly gestures to a baby in a stroller. The baby laughs, it’s chubby cheeks bright red as Gray blows another raspberry, thrashing its arms up and down with joy. The dad is laughing at Gray’s antics, leaning down and patting his kid on the head.

Gray promptly stands up, sending another big smile to the kid, before waving goodbye. The six-month-old waves back, uncoordinated and decidedly adorable. Gray laughs, turning away and walking towards you.

Your feet feel cemented to the floor, heart down in your stomach.

He’s a natural, you think, nausea building up in your throat.

Gray was the oldest of eight, not a large number for a werewolf family. You adored them, and they you, but Gray had a way of dealing with his youngest siblings. Whether it was letting them climb all over him like a jungle gym, or attending imaginary tea parties, Gray was a pro. He was the guy to cram himself into a tiny chair at the kids table, eating tiny cookies and cracking jokes. ‘Dad’ seemed to be stamped into his very being, the cuddly werewolf with a love of children. He’s any mother-in-law’s dream.

But all those sweet things turn sour when you think about what Mrs. Star said. Gray, moving on without you.

Gray’s eyes light up when he sees your cart, jogging over and holding up the bottle of wine like a prize.

“Hey!” He says, quickly sliding an arm around your waist and giving you a peck on the cheek. “I got your favorite, and those delicious mint-chocolate sandwiches.”

His happy voice and comforting touch help abate whatever it is your feeling, but the way Gray’s brow furrows tells you your  discomfort is present in your eyes. “Is everything okay?” His large hand comes up and rubs your shoulder. You give him a shaky smile, fighting away negative thoughts with a bat.

“Yeah, let’s go home.”

---------

Wet fur presses up against your bare neck as you lazily stir the boiling water, Gray’s shifted muzzle now snug in the crook of your shoulder, the white flecks across his dark fur peeking into your periphery. Your free hand instinctively goes back to scratch between his ears, causing him to let out a satisfied huff, hot air blowing across your chest.

“That smells good baby.”

“It’s just salt and water Gray. The pasta’s barely al dente.”

Gray laughs, turning his head  slightly so he can press a small kiss onto your cheek.

“You could make even that taste delicious, ____”

You dramatically roll your eyes, pushing away his chin as he continues to peck and nip at your neck. After showering Gray always made sure to rub in some cherry-blossom leave-in conditioner into his fur. The artificial perfumes just lightly touch your senses, but the mental connection they have to Gray make them smell that much sweeter. You turn and give him a quick kiss on the lips, patting his shoulder once more.

“Do you mind setting the table? Maybe get started on those messy dishes?”

“No problem.” Gray mumbles, reluctantly pulling away from you and tugging up the towel that hangs loose on his hips. He barely needs to reach for your fancy plates on the top shelf, his chest muscles flexing and bicep taut. Even with his thick fur, you can see the bone of his clavicle which accentuates his long neck.

God, he’s so hot.

You think, smirking a bit as you continue stirring.

And all mine.

You hum, but the cheery mood you’re in quickly sours once you remember your conversation with Mrs. Star. That small seed of doubt seems to grow and leech from your chest.

2 years into this relationship and the two of you have only danced around the conversation of the future. You of course had agreed on living together, what your career paths looked like, even the potential of getting married in a couple years, but never kids. As two 20-somethings, you felt like you had all the time in the world.

But the thing was, you didn’t really need all the time in the world.

You didn't want kids. Even with your family or your neighbors needing that your opinion “might change some day,” you were confident in that decision. Not that you hated them, you just could never picture yourself being a mom. A fun aunt, maybe, but never a mom. It wasn’t even a point of contention in your own mind; The picture of you, your partner, and maybe a couple of pets thriving into your elders was bliss enough.

You sneak a glance to Gray, now clothed and back turned to you as he sets the table. He’s diligently folding the napkins into  fun shapes, a ritual he does every date night. From the hole in his jeans you can see his tail wagging, content as he hums to the low radio playing on the window sill.

A smile crawls onto your face, a small giggle escaping you as you watch Gray’s hips bob to the beat, silently mouthing the words. You snort as he does a dramatic little shoulder shift, Gray’s head whipping back towards the kitchen as you throw your hand over your mouth.

“What, don't you like my moves?” Gray says, shimmering his shoulders again, a large grin across his face.

“They could use some work, Kevin Bacon.” Gray clutches his chest, throwing his head back in mock pain.

“You wound me. After all these years, you would cut me so deep?”

“Sure would.” You turn back towards the simmering pasta, setting the wooden spoon on the rim and brushing your hands on your jeans. “Oof!” You squeak as you yanked away, Gray wrapping his arms around your waist, twirling you in a stumbling circle.

“And how ‘bout now, m’lady?” Gray simpers, eyebrow cocked. Your hands slap his chest as you laugh. He lets your feet back down on the floor, but keeps his arms locked around your waist. The two of you slow dance to the beat, and when the chorus hits, Gray gives his worst rendition possible. You bemoan and feign plugging your ears, but find yourself singing along anyway.

Everything about Gray is warm and bright, from his goofy grin to his excitable tail to his two left feet. He adds that pep of energy to your daily routine, pulling you out of an exhausting cycle for a quick jog to the beach or an episode of your favorite drama. Gray fills out all of those little spaces, makes them a little less gray.

Your head rests against his chest, feeling the fur through the fabric of his t-shirt as the two of you sway back and forth.

You want it to stay this way.

But that pestering weed squeezes your heart again, forcing images of Gray with a kid on his shoulders. Showing up to little-league football games with a big cooler and a “#1 dad” T-shirt. All those little moments, all without you.

You can’t fight the deep sigh, pressing your face even deeper into Gray.

Just let me have this. Just this moment, just for now.

-------

“Ugh, I think my stomach is going to explode from excess-pasta.”

Gray huffs, laying his head on your lap as the two of you slump onto the couch. His tail wags lazily, flickering back and forth as his legs swing over the coach's side, his long torso bunched up as he curls into you. The fur of his head is soft as you twist your fingers into it. “But I gotta say, what a way to go out.”

You giggle, losing your thoughts in his soft fur. Gray lets out another deep breath, nuzzling his face into your hand. You brush over his cheek with your  thumb, admiring the cheekbone you feel just underneath.

But that burning question refuses to leave your mind, and you ask it without even thinking.

“Do you want kids, Gray?”

Gray’s eye’s stay closes, his posture relaxed as he sinks into your massaging fingers.

“Hmmm, maybe. Never really thought too much about it. Why?”

Your throat dries up, mind reeling. It wasn’t even a definitive yes, but your heart is still reeling. Your fingers pause and Gray's eyes open. He shifts his head when he sees the look on your face, concerned. “Babe?”

You nod, eyes still wide, trying to fight off the inklings of a panic attack. Gray pushes himself up on his elbows, paw quickly coming to caress your cheek. “Baby, is everything alright?”

You find the energy to breathe, and suck in deeply. Your heart begins to slow down as you look into Gray’s yellow wolf eyes. You dig your cheek into his large palm, smelling the perfume of his conditioner.

“Yes, sorry, I just-” You pause, taking another deep breath. “I ran into Mrs. Star in the grocery store, and-I’m sorry I’m overthinking things.” You mutter, patting yourself  on the cheek as to snap yourself out of your mood. Grays other hand rubs the back of your neck.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m here. Did she say something?”

“No-Well, yes. It’s silly, typical Star things. She just brought up how ‘ought to get started having kids, and it just-” You let out a shaky sigh, pulling away Gray’s hand with your own and looking him straight in the eye. “I don’t want to have kids, ever.”

In Gray’s eyes, you expect to….something. Confusion, disappointment, maybe? But instead, all you see is relief. Gray rests his paw on your thigh, squeezing it.

“_____, is that what you’ve been worrying about?” You nod, throwing your eyes back down, but Gray tilts your chin towards him. “If you don’t want kids, we won’t have kids. Simple as that.”

Your eyes widen and you pull your face back.

“Seriously? But-what if-”

“____, I grew up with eight siblings. I’m going to have to deal with more nieces and nephews then I can count on my fingers and my toes, I think I can handle not having kids.”

A weight lifts off of your chest and you slump forward into Gray, pressing your forehead against his clavicles as you let out a long, relieved sigh. He laughs, patting your back and kissing the top of your head. “I’m sorry you had to deal with this all day, I didn’t even realize you were so upset.”

You slap his chest, letting out another frustrated sigh. With him? No, but yourself, and Mrs. Star, for stirring up nightmares for no damn good reason.

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine for being so paranoid.” You press your chin up, pouty lips admiring your boyfriend's face. “I’m sorry for freaking out. She really got me into my own head.”

“No apologies needed baby.” Gray says, giving you a small peck. You send him a cheesy smile, chasing after his lips with a couple of small kisses. A low rumble growls out from his chest as you nip at his jawline. Behind him, you hear his tail begin to hump on the floor.

“Hmm, does that mean you feel better?” You nod, pressing another kiss into his pulse point.

“Yes, thank you for letting me get that out.” Another kiss, now on his Adam’s apple.

“Welp,” Gray says, quickly adjusting himself. In another second, you yelp as he picks you up by your butt, legs quickly wrapping around his waist, “Let’s give Mrs. Star something to talk about, hmm?”

You throw your head back with a laugh, clinging tight to his chest as Gray blows a raspberry into your neck. “That good with you, my lady?”

You nod, giving him another kiss on the lips as he carries you off into the bedroom.

Yeah, you have it good.

[cake-in-a-tin]

My thoughts rewatching all the Harry Potter movies back to back

forgive typos, and be warned - there's a lot...

the first two have a smaller amount of thoughts for some reason, idk why

 Philosopher’s Stone

teeny harry haha

that snake is so beautiful

no post on sundays bro

hi hagrid

how did the dursleys get off the island tho

aw harry is so teeny and innocent

ollivander’s entrance is so iconic, like i want to enter every room like that

hermione is so great already

and you are…

‘you’ve got dirt on your nose by the way, did you know?’

haha tiny malfoy

TREVOR! + neville

that death glare mcgonagall omg

oof snape really hates harry

it's leviooosa not leviosaaa

troll in the dungeon!!!

hi fluffy

ew norbert is gross to be completely honest

creepy malfoy staring at the window

malfoy being sassy wow

‘nighty night…’ whyyy filch?

oof ron are u ok

bye hermione

voldemort is kinda cute with his big eyes

harry really just killed quirrell jeez man

alas earwax

Chamber of Secrets

ah go away dobby don't be weird

yes the car with fred and george

oof bye uncle vernon haha

ah awkward let go of harry lockhart we hate u

haha ginny is iconic

rons face when the train comes omg

ron can drive? that's impressive…

ooh a voice scaryyy

hey colinnn

eat slugs - yas

let go of his arm lockhart

uh oh colin is petrified

hahaha snape annihilated lockhart wow

gosh moaning myrtle is annoying

tom riddle is such a weirdo hgh

ew spiders

lockhart is hilarious when he has lost his mind wow

yas fawkes

ew he just stuck the sword right through its head didn't he...

powerful sock…

go away lucius ur annoying

Prisoner of Azkaban

ugh aunt marge blow up already

sassy harry tm

tom is iconic

so is crookshanks tbh

the knight bus kinda sucks in the movie tho

yess lupin hi

ugh shut up trelawney

ah the best scene aka harry and draco being sassy towards each other

‘it’s killed meh!’

the other best scene: lupin, boggarts and the record player

love when they are eating sweets and just being good friends

yay marauders map - iconic fred and george

nice snowman also

my dad didn't strut and neither do i - yeah right...

yes leave hermione

trelawney stop being creepy

take that malfoy

harry third wheeling

yas remus save sirius

"old married couple" haha snape knows what's up

die peter lol

haha yes they will chop your leg off ron definitely

ugh harry stop being noble

haha yes mentioning the marauders

ew stop peter

oh no werewolf

sirius is so dramatic haha he cant stop turning into a werewolf my dude

bad idea yes ron i agree

oof fight him sirius

no sirius!

the dementorssss

no harry that's not a real patronus dude

nom eat the little soul nugget nice

ah no they're gonna kiss sirius nooo

scabbers did it ok... shut up ron

dumbledore just smacking ron's broken leg and being mysterious

and enter many time paradoxes

‘this is not normal’ hahahah wow harry

yess save buckbeak dudes

yas beautiful patronus dude

this music tho wow

au revoir sirius

I wonder how many stairs they ran up...

poor ron so confused

that bird just got squished no

don't leave lupin

please tell harry about the marauderss

i love lupin omg

ooh a firebolt thanks godfather

the ending face wow

Goblet of Fire

ooh nagini hello

yay frank you will die soon so enjoy your tea

dr who!

ah voldemort's creepy little hand tm

yes ron is covering his non existent boobs wow

hermione's so mad 4 some reason

yes cedric diggory in a tree

everyone has long hair why

isn't just any manky old boot mate

cedric amos and arthur are show offs

feet off the table!

i luv magik

wow krum is enjoying himself

Why is draco wearing a suit?

lucius is very ominous

think ur in luvvv ron

is there no winky in this? sad

harry is so awkward omg

bye hedwig find sirius even though the ministry cant

oh bonjour beauxbatons

wow so dramatic here come the durmstrang peoples

wow run filch ao athletic

ew the beauxbatons entrance is so weird and compared to the durmstrang one is kind of sexist

ow poor flitwick a fork to the hand that's gotta hurt

moody is so dramatic

dumbledore already shouting nice

why does he have so many bugssss

ah that is a creepy spider

poor neville he has to have cuppa with moody that sucks

yess fred and george back at it again

hermione ruining the vibe

HARRY POTTER DIDJA PUTCHA NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH dumbledore asked calmly

what would happen if harry was just like "nope"? would he die that would be interesting

igh rita skeeter go away ur creepy my dude

hate it when ur eyes glisten with ghosts of ur past

yas sirius in a fire

"who are u talking to?" "im vlogging ron" (how it should have gone. harry should have a youtube channel just saying)

poor harry a third wheel yet again between madame maxime and hagrid ew

wow draco in a tree, why? so many people in trees this movie

"nyaaah"

malfoy as a ferret is my favorite character

my father will hear about thissss

omg rita get outttt

fight the dragonnnn

feel like someone should have stopped the dragon after it broke free... idk *shrugs*

it would be so boring if u were watching the tournament because you can't see anything that's happening most of the time, only for the 1st task and a bit if the 3rd task.

knew u wouldnt die harry, lose a leg - or an arm -pack it in all together? nevaaaaa

god just open it harry

ron ur so awkward...

harry spitting out his drink will never not be funny to me

oh yes the gorgeous dress robes

poor ron has it tough, having to dance with mcgonagall and having ro wear those robes...

*babbling bumbling band of baboons*

the twins are hilarious in this haha

aw neville!

snape is really violent can't 2 boys discuss their love lives or lack thereof in peace

ron's jealous of viktor krum haha

love harry just being so confused and saying "spectacular" when cedric speaks to him.

given the fact harry literally told him the task cedric didn't do that much to help.

ugh no myrtle stop

harry going "do i" when neville tells him he seems tense is such a mood

harry's hair when he was swimming haha

just leave them harryy omg too noble

harry holds his breath for a long time after his gills go away - longer than i can

fred and george making fun of harry having 'moral fiber' is exactly what i would do in the situation

mr crouch stop being weird

yes finally singing hoggy warty hogwarts

oh hi mr crouch, taking a nap in the forest are u? cool

i would say do not stick your face in the pensieve but that's just me

Dr Who changed a bit since i last saw him, he's a bit mental now...

snape is so iconic wow

"bubble juice sir?" bahaha sassy harry back at it again

this music is so great

i would freak out if i had to go in that maze it's so creepy and feels like it would be so filled with jumpscares just nope

"a cauldron? What are u guys gonna do - eat me? that's gross!" feels like it should be in the movie

aw baby voldemort is so cute

ugh just chop off another finger or something wormtail jeez so much drama

how is voldemort still alive - the cauldron is on fire??

the movie is also really missing voldemort dancing with the death eaters

u dont have hair my dude stop caressing ur bald head

voldemort has lovely long fingernails

lucius' blonde hair poking out from beneath his hood is so funny 4 some reason.

"i can touch u now" is really not a good sentence

bit awkward to return with a dead body...

its alright harry *shakes his head violently*

uh oh that's not professor moody its barty jr

Order of the Phoenix

halfway done woo

the intro music is still a jam the 5th time

that is big whinging not little whinging

hi big D what a great nickname...

uh oh dementorrrrr

yes mrs figg the most iconic character in the movies

harry looks a lot like frodo baggins

yay the order is rescuing him finally

yes remus and sirius and mrs weasley and everyone

ooh kreacher

jeez hermione attack him

crookshanks attacking the extendable ears is just what my cat would do

cute godfather godson moments yeass

arthur weasley trying to function as a muggle is just so wholesome

ugh not umbridge ew

yes clear those charges

aw padfoot yess

wow that's a lovely coat sirius

voldemort looks great in a suit wow

didn't harry see his parents die? why couldn't he see the thestral before?

yes luna!

oh shut up umbridge oh my goddd

yes ron u tell seamus like a good friend

sassy harry reaching full potential

ugh umbridge sucks wow

so evil torturing harry

yes weasleys wizards wheezes

luna is so pure and perfect

the friendship between her and harry is so amazing

yas tell umbridge, mcgonagall

trelawneys bad but she doesn't deserve to be kicked out by umbridge

oof professor dumbledore just straight up ignored harry

yes harry just say you're rubbish that will make people think your sane

yes hermione break the rules!

oof ginny is jealous of cho liking harryyyy

yay the room of requirement!

dumbledores army is so fabuloussss

nigel is amazing and i love him

wow hermione just knocked out ron haha

harry potter the boy who made cheesy inspirational speeches

wow ginny is so powerful

harry and cho are so awkward eeehhhh

just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon *cringy forced laughter*

occlumency lessonnssss yay what fun

cute christmas scenes wow

ooh the family tree and sirius' backstory yay

harry u aren't becoming like voldemort u are going through pubertyyyy its hormonesssssss

yay hagrid finally

oh no it's bellatrix get ready for crazinesss

poor sirius he keeps getting the blame for everything that's so unfair

is neville tall or is harry short, because there is a huge height difference

aw all the patronuses are so cute

uh oh here comes umbridge...

noo they are captured and dumbledores lying waaa

oof dumbledore is as sassy as harry at some points - "dumbledores got style"

no umbridge is heaf and shes fricking evilllll

grawp yess. hes kind of cutee

ron is jealous of grawp bahaha

sheesh snape chill

yes a bit of maraudrrss aahhhh

thats it? noo

aw fred and george comforting a little boy is too cute!

yes fred and george!!! disrupt those OWLS!!

no harry! he doesn't have sirius nooo

yes hermione fake it till u make it ( or until u get umbridge attacked by grawp )

yay the centaurs are here as well get herrr

'i must not tell lies' the sass omg

jeez how many prophecies are there wow

pranked, harry dude ur kind of rubbish

well done ginny you've made all the prophecies fall

yh id rather watch my friends die than give u the prophecy, don't really like them tbh

yas sirius!

the order yes

you're beautiful sirius

noooooo siriusss 😭😭😭😭

yooo voldemort my dudeee

hope the ministry has a massive roomba

the DA just come in to see harry writhing on the floor and are like 'cool'

nice one fudge finally realised he's back cool, cool

ah yes angsty harry tm

aw poor luna, her shoes are all stolen.

luna is an icon though

we have something voldy doesn't - noses hahahaha

Half Blood Prince

uh oh the dark mark is here

death eaters as well fun

fenrir greyback!!

oh no not this bridge! i went across it and i was scared af

dumbledore appearing out of nowhere is so funny

ew slughorn no

wow i need dumbkwdored tidying spell so badly

slughorn collecting people is kind of creepy tbh

im so glad i dont have as many staircases as the weasleys

oh yes narcissa and bellatrix being shifty

oops snape u probs shouldnt have done that

yess fred and george!!!

weasleys wizard wheezes looks amazinggg

uh not cormac mclaggen

oooh its "draco and mummy"

no fenrir we wanted to look at draco stroking a cabinet

yes arnold!

yes draco malfoy is a "creepy bloke" ronald

why is draco always wearing a suit??

yes draco is going to pigfarts!

ouch why would u stomp on his nose??

yez luna save him

noo dont let snape teach defense against the dark arts!! i miss lupin...

poor harry having to do potions again ugh

dun dun dunnn the half blood prince

poor seamus stuff is still exploding

haha dumbledore ships hermione and harry lol

baby tom riddle is creepyy

tom riddle and slughorn were bffs wow so cute

edgy draco in his loki suit

aw rons the only one listening

ugh cormac mclaggen is so gross nooo

haha ron is so rubbish at quidditch id be just like him

'the binding is fragile' hahaha excuses

harry sleeps with his potions book hheehe wow

wow sneaky draco

rons face when hermione mentions her snogging him haha.

uh oh cursed necklace alert

harry pottrr the boy who just knew

snape is so sarcastic wow icon (not really tho ew)

oh god they're talking about skin aahhh

noo harry stop being awkwarddddd sit downn

ew cormac stop eating profiteroles so suggestively ugh

haa rons outfit

ew lavender stopp

oh yes "felix felicis" makes ron great at quidditch

poor hermione she just loves ron thats all

aw hermione and harrys friendship is so nice

angsty draco standing in a tower

"bUt I aM tHe ChOsEn OnE" god harry so pretentious

luna is the coolest person there is, nice work harry

draco in a suit again looking sad he does that a lot

no draco ur apple!

oh nvm its back dw

ugh cormac sucks.  hermione why??

at least cormac did 1 good thing and vomited on snapes shoes

draco was lurking omgggg thats his vibe now

cant break an unbreakable vow - figured that out for myself thanks (sassy harry)

ew lavender stopppp

ooh noo ginny dont feed him a mince pie awkwarddd

thanks ron

stoppp ginny. harry can tie his own shoelaceee

why do they need to burn the burrow this doesnt happen in the books #not canon

wow everyones sassy including hermione now

also lav is an awful nicknname

aha tom riddle is still creepy

okay thats a lie slughorn u told him about horcruxes

uh oh ron loves romilda vane oop

harry thinks the moon is divine haha

Ron hugging a pillow then falling off the sofa in the background oh my gosh

slughorn is so useless

haha snapes face while rons saying hermiones name

draco being edgy again woowwww

lavender that is a death glare if ever i saw one

oh no draco is crying in a bathroom now like a moody teenager

let him cry in peace harry god man

'nyaaah' is dracos go to dueling sound

oops harry u kinda killed him a little bit.

no this is so awkwarddd ginny dont

just kiss like in the books after the quidditch match thats way better

yes the felix felicis

love harry potter like this its so funny

‘harry!’ ‘sir!’

not to mention the pincers *gestures awkwardly*

nice speech harry, now u have answers on the horcruxes

ooh back to tom riddle being creepy

yas harry and dumbledore field trip quality student teacher time

snape being edgy now wow everyone is in this movie

oops foreshadowing...

harry has precious blood apparently?

yay boat ride and smoothie

harry potter not harry water bro

noo bad just aguamenti right into his mouth Harry

yay new friends!!!

dumbledore ur gonna set harry on  fire careful my dude

ooh death eaterz

did draco change intot hat suit to impress the death eaters?

oop bye dumbledore

harry brooding in dumbledores office

yess RAB get wrecked voldemort

harry ur thick apparently?

aw cute friendship

Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

rusty logo wow

‘ello whoo are u

oh scrimgeour hi i dislike u dude

veey dramatic

aaawww hermione no

yas dudley being nice to harry and vernon listening to him and leaving

ron brooding wow

bye parents sad face

wow vernons old man

ooh its snapeee he looks loke he has a lot of contpur on

yay snape has a savey seat

pius is a great name

uh oh i dont wanna give u my wand voldy

dracos face haha

ugh do they have to watch nagini eat professor burbage gross

the dursleys house looks so empty

yay the cupboard happy memories and his baby toys cuteee

moody thinks that harrys gorgeous.

yay remus and tonksss

shut up mundungus

blimey hermionee

'just trying to diffuse the tension' hahaha lol

wow so many harrys lol

yh  wouldnt want to go in the motorbike tbh

uh oh death eaters

wow parkour harry

nooo hedwig - the saddest bit of this movie

yo voldemort wassup

oops the pylons fell down... just fly away good idea

nooo george's ear

jeez lupin y are u being crazy dude

george is saint like and holy aw so cute brother moments

uh oh bye moody u were a bit creepy tbh

ha lol harry a lot of people are going to die for u

harry stop being moody omg

wow george way to ruin the vibe dude

yo minister leave pls

ron just being ungrateful - u can turn out lights now ron lucky u

yay hermione you get a childrens book thats great

wow a snitch lucky u harry. hes so pleased with that. little does he know.... its a resurrection stone bro

give him the sword man

yay nice wedding

luna interrupting deep thoughts casually

xenophilius is creepy

ron and hermione staring at each other is a mood.

way to crash a wedding dude

hermione is the most competent out of all three it has to be said

i really want that bag of hermiones

shouldnt have said voldemory now the death eaters are here whoops

"hermione" *strokes face awkwardly*

sassy harry yas

oh yes grimmauld place

oof voldys having wand struggles

hi kreacher please leave ur creepy thanks

aw siriuzz room so cute sad hes dead

regulus arcturus black yay

ugh mundungus fletcher u suck dude

aw neville

oh no pie dude is the minister if magic now

uh shut up umbridge

feel like u dont need that many posters

sentimental piano playing wow

yo dobbyyyy

umbridge ruins everything omg

ron - u dont have a wife

haha harry getting out of the lift and walking in such a weird wayyy bahahaha

ew umbridge has moodys eye groosss

yas the ugly plates are still in her office

oops ron u just kissed that random dudez wife

nice suit harry

ouch splinch

lovely tent

kill the locket dude

dean thomas is on the run ooh fancy

yh harry stop letting voldemort in dude

harry stop being so moody bro

ooh watch snape on the map thats not creepy.

oh no snatchers...

ah u almost got caught dudes

ron ur so weak wow cant apparate or anything

lot of missing people...

haha a quarantine haircut

yes hermione ur brilliant

oh god ron stop chill

bye ron i guess lol

poor hermione

yas awkward dancing timee

awkward stares

kissy for the snitch. he must really miss ginny

uh oh its opening at the closee

vfd!!! an eyee!!!

ooh godrics hollowwww

oop its christmas eve whoopssss

oh a deathly Hallows

parents grave yay!

ur bathilda? nope im a snake boiii

bathilda is 1 creepy lady

what are u saying my dude????

ew snake lady

chaira are good defences agaunst snakes definitely

ah she jumped at them

looks like a nice campsite

wow now hermiones being sentimental

oop she sat on harrys wand

wait nvm

oooh a doe a deer a female deer

dont drown harry that would be awkward

omgbharry stop undressing

oof the locket strangling him

yay ron saved him yas dude

ron kill the horcrux

u tell him hermione

nice ron tell them u have been hearing voices

yes go see xenophilius the crazy dudee

aw ron ur so awkwsrd bro

their house is so cute

shut up ron god

yay we know about the deathly hallows now

xenophilius is so suspicious tho

why would you say his nameeee

noo snatchers

ooo ominous malfoy manor

draco dont doo ittt

yay dobby!

ah no hermione

aw draco looks sad in his little loki suit

yay dobby 'maiming and seriously injuring'

nooo dobby! he deserved so much better 😭

"hey guys welcome back to my unboxing video today we are opening dumbledores grave"

yay the elder wand wow

giving away ur position a bit dude by shooting stuff in the air

Deathly Hallows Pt. 2

snape hi ur brooding

lots of dementys

dramatic music

waaa dobby

yay bill and fleur

yo griphook what up

the sword was in a river bro

madam lestrange? no!

oops thats not dracos wand anymore wowww

wands are just like 'ya hiiii we have feelings too'

oop ollivander knows about the elder wand bros

ron looks great with a moustache tho

harry just broke the law jeez...

wow that cart looks fun

wow they fell from the cart nice

oh no ron broke the law too whoops

yay a dragon

lots of gold nice

yay the cup

oops they messed up nkw everything is multiplyinggg

griphook y are u evil my dude

yay ride a dragon

oops they fell no

yas they escaped

uh oh voldemort is onto them

that's a lot of dead people

oh no everyones looking for them

ah aberforth hi!

the other part of harry's mirror!

oop dumbledore was a secretive dude

ariana yas

neville!

i love neville hes so great now

yay all of the DA

luna!

ginny is being awkward

'shut up seamus' hhaha

aaa snape yooo

snape stop being a meanie

stop being angry harry

yas queen! mcgonagall!!!!

yay

uh oh voldemort is whispering to harry again

stop voldemort you need a cough sweet

yes everyone protect him

haha filch is a blithering idiot wow

i love mcgonagall

run harry

boom! seamus blow stuff up!

yay the knight peeps

uh yes theyre protecting harry and everyone

yes luna is so smart and iconic

go talk to a ghost harry

thats a lot of death eaters

go away voldemort no one likes u

yes go stab a crown harry

yay remus

fred and george aw

ron fake parseltonguing lol

nooo quidditch

lol peeps got disintegrated

go hermione stab the cup

yessss kisss!!!!

tonks and remus together wow

wow i hate voldemort's bald head with the weird veins

run neville!

yay ginny and neville

yay a little kiss for harry!

ooh the room of requirement

edgy draco back at it again

ooh the diadem

no dracooo

yh draco y didnt u give harry away?

aw ron loves hermione

uh oh fireee

nice work goyle

bye crabbe lol

yay hes saving draco

nice killed the tiara

oops voldemorts getting angry

snapes gonna dies dudes

runnnnn guys

lavenders being eaten

yay aberforth

yeet snapes dying

gosh naginis violent

“ew snape sorry i dont like u even tho u loved my mum” - what harry should have said

woops bye snape

freds death is too sad

nooo remus and tonks

go watch snapes life my dude

yess the always bit (i dont like snape but its iconic)

poor harry

its so sad that hes just sacrificing himself

his eye contact with ron omg im cryinggg

ooh yay his familyyy

he should have said 'its muffin time’ to the resurrection stone and it would be like 'cool bro here's your dead family'

u got this harry

yay teddy mention

"until the end" yas james

lets do this harry

wow voldemort why are you standing like a weirdo

yes harry be a brave man

byee harryyyy

oooh hes alive still

hi dumbledore

yes harry is a brave brave man

cool explain it to him dumbledore

bye dumbledoreeee

wow voldy u weakk bro

yas dracos alive get off me

aw neville u got this man

voldy yeeted that dead giant wow

ew snakey boi

nooo hes dead waa

poor draco such an awkward hug

oop neville what?

ok ur just making a speech that fine carry on

voldys very polite for a villain

yay harrys alive

haha dieee

run lucius wow

oof destroying the school harry really

naginis coming run hermione

u got dis neville

noo ron

yes molly!!!

y r u hugging dudes u arent friends... did u forget? oops..

ouch

bye snake boiii

neville is so iconic omg

kill him HARRY

noice

haha disintegrate voldemort

byeee

dont breathe in voldemort guys

wow harrys a mess

yay hagrid

hermione and ron are so sweet aw

harry yeet the wand

wow draco owns the wand and now harry has it

YEET

aw the friendship

yess 19 years later

wow that hair harry

all of their haircuts are tragic tbh...

should be albus remus potter... just sayinggg

THE END DUDESSSSS

[stinkfacestories]

Stinkface Stories: Total KnockOut

Featuring: Kevin Owens, Big Show

The service elevator ran the length of the building; from the sub basement to the penthouse and everything in between. The staff used it because it was easier than taking the stairs and the talent used it because it ran directly from the gym to the suites. It wasn’t uncommon for a  PA to be riding up with coffee and contracts to have one or two slick slabs of sweaty wrestler squeeze in headed to change or go run through a routine in the practice ring.

“You can’t,” Big show said. He pressed the button to summon the elevator. He was wearing dark blue sleeveless shirt. He wa quite the imposing sight: giant,bald, big bushy beard.

“Come on, I’m telling ya, I can do it. It will really give me boost you know?” Kevin Owens, though nearly a foot shorter than Big Show, stood next to him also waiting for the elevator, They had been working out together all week. He cut quite the figure too. A little pudgier, just as big a beard. His grey t-shirt emblazoned with the letters ‘K.O’  was near black with sweat.

The elevator opened and a thin looking PA looked up, wide eyed at the two. The other runners had always joked about who would be the worst pair to be forced to ride up with, and out of all the possible combinations, Big Show was always one of the pair. The elevator itself was not nearly as big as the ones in apartment buildings. Two normal sized people would have an uncomfortable ride, let alone a giant, his fat sweaty friend and a 9-5’er.

“Hey there,” Big Show said kindly as he stepped in. The box groaned in protest but the floor held. He turned his back and wedged himself into the opposite corner, though his massive frame still covered half the width. When Owens joined him taking up the other side the PA was pressed practically nose to back with the two. The doors closed as the fourth passenger made their presence known: the hot body odor wafting off the two of them. It filled the compartment like a thick fog. The two wrestlers either didn’t notice, or didn’t care. The PA was barely able to hold his breath.

“Maybe I could just do it once and see how it goes. Then we can make a decision” Owen spoke up, the first to break the silence.

“You can’t finish with a Stinkface, there’s a tradition with it. Unless you wanna quit and do house shows in high schools for the rest of your life, then you gotta follow the rules.”

“What rules? Its sticking your ass in some guys face for fun, what rules can there be?” Owens said.

The PA heard the word ‘ass’ and looked down at the two of them. Two big ones right in front of him. Each were covered in some dark shorts; The Big Show’s were a camo pattern, very tight, almost painted on. His ass was like two monster boulders crashed together. Owens were looser, solid black, athletic--slick and shiny. He was a bit rounder. The globes of his ass were bubbly, jiggling slightly every time the elevator would jostle just a little bit.

“We don’t have time for this man, when the time comes I’tall happen.” Big Show said.

“Time? We need time?” Owens looked at the panel in front of him. He opened a small door revealing a large red lever marked ‘Emergency Only’. He grabbed at it and turned it. Turned it so far and so hard that it broke off in his big thick hands. The elevator jerked and sputtered to a halt, somewhere between the floors.

“Hey man, what the hell did you do that for?” Big show said

“Are we stuck? What happened?” The PA said, trying to see between the two walls of flesh in front of him.

“I figure we have at least an hour before they send people to get us, maybe longer for them to get us out of here. So now we have time for you to tell me just what rules and qualifications I need to finish a match with a Stinkface,” Owens said. He thumped at Big Shows arm, punctuating his point.

“Stinkface?” The PA said.

“Yeah, Stinkface. I want to start using it in my routine. I think my crowds would love it.”

“You couldn't have left me get off before you got of stuck? Can this thing hold you two? Is there enough air?”

“Hey ho, quite up now,” Big Show said. “It’s done now so no use complaining. Having you here will work out fine. We can get some outside perspective on the matter.” He looked down at Owens “So tell me. Why do you think you deserve to do this Stinkface?”

Owens smiled. “Well, look at me man. I think the crowds would love it. I’m like a smaller version of you. Got the big beard, pretty thick. Wouldn't they think it was funny if I sat my big ass on some jobber?”

“Well, you stumbled in the first requirement. You gotta have an ass. I know you can be an ass, but that dont mean that you got one. The crowds don’t want to see just any flat-ass guy pinning someone in the corner. They want to see someone with some real powerful haunches smother a guys face; that’s why Me and ‘Kishi are so good at it. So… do you really have the ass?”

Owens reached back and punched his own ass, the big thing trembled before the smaller PA. “Hell yeah man. I got one. You see this thing? I avoid doing too much work on it because I want it to be big, but I don’t want it to be to hard. Know what I mean?” He peered behind him at the PA. “You got a good view, tell the guy about it.”

“What?”

“Tell Big Show how my ass looks like it would be great to give a stinkface”

“I don’t think Im really the best to ask--”

“Come on now play nice,” Big Show piped up “We might be here a while so just be helpful. Tell the guy if you think his ass is good enough to stinkface a guy.”

The PA looked back at Kevin Owens’ ass. It wasn't something he would want to tangle with.

“I’t looks..good I guess?”

“Come on guy,I need more than that get in there” Big Show said.

Owens obliged and reached back and grabbed the guys hand and put it on his ass. “See,” he said. “Feel how its just the right mix of soft and firm. Plenty of room for a face right?”

“Yeah sure, it’s like sweaty bread dough,” The PA said

“Amature. It’s not the Stinkhand Owens.” Big show shoved Kevin and he went stumbling backwards. Flailing to keep his balance, his ass slammed into the back of the elevator; the poor PA’s face between his cheeks. Owens blubbery cheeks engulfed his face, wrapping from ear to ear. One could only imagine the smell that he must have suffered. It may have only lasted a moment, but when the beefy wrestler leaned forward and looked behind him at what he had done, the PA’s face looked as if it had looked as if it had been wedged in there for an hour. He was in shock. His face was splattered with sweat; as was the wall behind him.

“Well shit,” Big show said. “I was wrong about you K.O. That right there is the sign of a good Stinkface. The look of horror, disbelief.”

“How was it?” Owens asked the PA.

“ Uhg…” He just wiped his face.

“Good? Bad? Come on we need words dude,” Big show said. He leaned down a little “Or do you need another, longer, go to form an opinion?” He raised his eye and gave a grin.

Wet, cold, but also hot. Silent”

“Awesome,” Owens said

“And the smell?”

“Didn't inhale, thank god” The PA said.

“You didn't smell? Your face was buried and you didn’t smell?” Big Show rolled his shoulders and slapped Owens on the shoulder. “He didn’t smell. How are we supposed to judge how good it was if at the end of the day he didn’t take a sniff.”

“Im sure its bad,” The PA said. “This is a pretty small space. You can’t smell it already? It reeks in here.”

Kevin sniffed at his pits. “I smell nothing.”

Big Show sniffed too “Me either. We were in that Gym for along time. Your noses is the only one that knows. So go on smell it and tell me how it is”

“Whoa, Show you sure that’s a good idea?” Owens pipped in. “Trust me when I say that’s a pretty dangerous area back there. Might not be safe to go in and sniffing around.”

“ Ill pass,” The PA said. “I can smell it from here. I give it a 9/10 on the bad scale.”

“Not good enough for me pal,” Big show said. “Who knows what your smelling. Could be me. Only way to go is to get up in there and take a big sniff. Owens assume the position.”

Kevin turned and put his hands against the wall, spreading his legs ever so slightly, like he was preparing to be frisked. His ass was begging for someones face at that point.

“No way. You can just take my word on it.”

Big show grumbled. “Your choice pal: You can either take a big sniff of Owens, or you can be sniffing my ass  from now till the fire department gets here. And my ass don’t play nice.”

Kevin gave a short laugh, his ass jiggling with it “Aint that the truth; take the easy way out guy.”

The PA had no real option. Given the choice between the two asses, he opted for the less violent of the two.  

“Where should I, you know.. Target?”

“Right where the back turns into the ass, if your a chicken-- right in the blast zone if your a real man.”

“Blast zone?” Owen looked over his shoulder at Big Show

“You know,” Big Show blew a raspberry “Blast zone”

Owens laughed “Oh man, I get it. I should get some underwear that says that”

The PA swallowed

“So what’s your choice?” Big Show asked

“What’s the current.. Blast danger I guess?”

“... rising with each passing second bro, so the quicker the better”

The PA leaned in, settling somewhere not quite as high as the back, but a fair share north of the blast zone. He was less than an inch away. He could feel the head radiating on his face.

“Keep that mouth closed,and give it a good 30 seconds. I don't want you cheating and holding your breath”

The rank odor of Owens ass was powerful. It filled the PAs nostrils. It burned. If he were lucky it may have destroyed his sense of smell right then and there and he would be done with it. But nevertheless it kept on stinking.

“When's the last time you took a shower K.O” he asked

“What day is it now?”

“Saturday,” Big Show said

“Easy: Late Friday Night”

The PA took another wiff

“...you mean yesterday?”

Owens counted on his fingers “.. no..I think it was three or so Fridays ago.

“And when did you wash these shorts last?”

“Wash them? These are workout shorts. You don’t wash them. I just shove them in my gym bag.”

Big Show laughed. “So that’s why they call you K.O, everyone who gets a wiff gets knocked out. So how is it dude?”

The PA pulled away “Bad. Salty. Hot. I wish I had been knocked out. My eyes were burning”

Owens gave a thumbs up “Thats two for two. So I can stinkface guys now?”

“Not yet. One final qualification: The gimmick.”

“The gimmick?” Owens said

“Gimmick?” the PA said. “I thought the stinkface was the gimmick.”

“Don’t we wise. Everyone who does the stinkface does their own little twist.”

“Oh yeah,” Owens said. “Like how ‘Kishi hikes up his thong, or does it bare ass?”

“What do you do then?” The Pa asked Big Show.

“I fart.”

The PA groaned and turned away

Owens laughed. “Thats real? I thought that was a joke. You really do that when you give a stinkface?”

“Yeah. Every time.”

“Who does that? Why would you even do that. It’s not like the crowd can tell. Your big but I don’t think you could.. Do that...loud enough for the cameras to pick up” The PA said.

Big Show loomed over the PA, forcing him to one of the corners. He pointed his big finger down at the guy. “First off, if you wanna find out how loud I can fart all you have to do is ask and I’ll be real happy to give you a demonstration. Second it’s not for them. Its for me, and for the tradition.”

The PA groaned again

“I could do that too!” Owens interrupted

“You could?”

“Yeah. I never ripped one in front of you? I swear I must have. Haven't I?”

“Think you could work one up now?”

Kevin scrunched up his big bearded face, grunting a little as he closed one eye. “Yup. There it is. All loaded. I was gonna drop it in my Uber on the ride home but I can drop it here.”

“But were in an Elevator. A tiny, tiny elevator” The PA said. Both Owens and Big Show looked at him like he was speaking some alien language. “So?” they both said

“That’s like the only elevator rule. You don’t do that in an elevator.”

“I do.” Big Show said.

“Same. A lot.” Owens said.

“In fact I dont think Ive ever ridden an elevator without farting in it.” Big Show said.

“Fine. Just.. let me get out of the way.” The PA slide as far in the corner as possible, leaving Kevin on the opposite side.

“This is a stinkface test though. K.Os bringin the stink, you gotta supply the face.”

“What? No way! Not this time” The PA said.

Big Show had enough. He reached out and grabbed the guy by the shoulder, effortlessly sliding him forward. Big Show leaned back against the wall, his arm pinning the smaller man in place.

“Hey let me go!” He said

“You’re free to try, but bigger men than you have failed.”

Owens turned around and began to back up slowly.

“Hey K.O. Why not try out both. Maybe that can be your thing”

“Both?” He said

“Yeah. Drop them draws.”

K.O slid his shorts down. Like the rising sun, his pale ass light up the room. It was glimmering from the sweat. The first thing everyone notices was how hairy it was.

“Damn K.O even your ass has a beard. You ever think about getting that thing waxed?” Big Show said.

“Tried it once, but they said they didn't have enough wax and wanted to charge me three times the regular price.”

Owens backed up even more. Soon the PAs chin was resting on the dark valley that was Owens ass. He backed up even more and he could feel the weight of the two fat globes pressing him into Big Shows gut.

“Come on guys. Show. Big. Big Show. Tell him to call it off. He doesn't want to do this. You can stop him”

“Let’s see: Hey K.O”

“Yeah Big?” Owens looked over his shoulder. Lining up his ass for the best stinkface possible.

“You sure you wanna rip one in this guys face?”

“Sure do Big,” Owens said.

“There, all settled. Go on blast away K.O. Hell I think I might give him one after.

“Come on you can’t do-mpf--”

Big Show pressed the PAs head down so that everything save his eyes were pressed into Kevin’s hairy crack. He was really tasting the musky, sweat soaked forest of hair. Kevin was braced like a centerlinemen, ready to snap the ball.

“Here,” He grunted out. Half of his face was scrunched up. “Comes. The knock Out..Ahh..”  His ass erupted in a deep and vibrating blast. The bassy rip reverberated throughout the elevator, shaking even Big Show to the core. Owens went slack jawed. His mouth open almost drooling on the floor. “ Puuunnnch…...aw man now that Felt great.”

The PA’s eyes rolled back in his head as he was forced to breath in every once. He coughed, but that only forced him to breath in Owens Ass through his mouth. His senses were completely overwhelmed. He could see nothing but Owens hairy ass, smell nothing but his meaty fart, taste the salty hairs of his crack, feel the flapping and giggling of his cheeks on his face, and hear Big Show and Owens laugh.

And it wasn't even over

Owens hoisted up one leg and propped it on the wall behind him. He cocked to one side and let out another, less intense but longer sputtering fart. “It’s like a flood gate. Once you break the seal all the rest just wanna slip out”

The PAs eyes rolled back even further. The sloppy blast had done him in. With one final sniff his body went limp and he passed out.

“Damn K.O, you really earned that name.”

‘Hell yeah!” Owens pumped the air. “This means i’m in right. I can do the stinkface on my opponent's right?”

“Not quite.”

“What? Come on Show, I practically melted this guys face off. I can do it!”

“Oh you can do it all right. But you can't do it on stage till someone gives it to you.”

“Wait you mean I have to…”

“Thats right.”

Just then the elevator jerked back into motion. Big show reached over and pressed the button for the floor with the practice stage.

“I’ll see you in the ring, Owens”

[apicturewithasmile]

LOST rewatch (season 3):

[follow the entire rewatch-tag here]

episode 1 – A Tale of Two Cities:

Time for Dooooowntooooown!!!

“So I guess I’m out of the book club.”

Aaaah it’s THAT Jack flashback episode aka the lowest he’s ever been aka

It’s not that Matthew Fox is a bad actor… it’s just that everyone else on the show is better than him. It becomes even more apparent with the presence of Michael “I single-handedly invented acting” Emerson being around there to stay now.

Sawyer solving the bear cage puzzle is so cute I wanna hug him.

episode 2 – The Glass Ballerina:

Awwww yaaaaas Ben’s round glasses jkdgnidfgnoidsfg

It always baffles me how long it takes for the credits to finish. Going on minute 8 of this episode and they still rolling.

It’s Sally Slingshot

Only Ben Linus can use a camping chair as a dramatic prop

“My name is Benjamin Linus and I’ve lived on this island all my life.”

episode 3 – Further Instructions:

John being speechless after seeing naked Desmond running through the jungle – #same

Wait… is that the sweat lodge episode? If so it means sweaty topless Terry O’Quinn and my body is absolutely and 100% ready!!!

Charlie just made the same “you don’t call, you don’t write” joke on John that he already pulled on Eko

It’s probably the only totally… useless John flashback. Like… we don’t really learn anything about his character that we didn’t already know. I still enjoy every second of John screentime we get but… I wish they had used this one for something else.

“amendable for coercion” is probably what Ben has written in John’s file as well

episode 4 – Every Man For Himself:

Oh shut up Charlie, you jealous ass.

It’s the episode in which Ben knocks Sawyer out with his phallic baton.

“the big kahuna”

First time appearance of the true star of the show: bunny #8

I love that of all the characters on the show, Sawyer’s the one who reads every book he can get his hands on.

Murder cactus hair!!!

Ben’s Bunny Bag™!!!

episode 5 – The Cost of Living:

Sexy linen outfit, Ben! Love the abundance of chest hair!

“Do you believe in God, Jack?” – “Do you?” – “Two days after I found out I had a fatal tumour on my spine a spinal surgeon fall out of the sky, and if that’s not proof of God then I don’t know what is.”

“I guess he’ll be expecting us.”

episode 6 – I Do:

Yet another bad wig for Evangeline Lilly

Random Nathan Fillion

I love the cage frickle frackle scene

Nice psychological warfare, Benjamin fucking Linus!

episode 7 – Not In Portland:

 I love Juliet’s curly hair <3

“I’m Tom btw.” – nice timing, Tom!

RICHARD ALPERT!!!

Ben just lying there, chilling with his back cut open… getting some fresh air on that spine.

There it is: Angel Hair Pasta story 2.0

“I wanna know what he said. You owe me an answer.” Good God what is it with Jack and this overly possessive behaviour? Why does he always have to know everything about the women in his life?!?!?! That’s not healthy, Jack!

episode 8 – Flashes Before Your Eyes:

More Desmond, hell yes!

istg that blue semi-unbuttoned shirt is such an iconic look for Desmond and it’s also hot as fuck

OF COURSE Charlie is playing Wonderwall

episode 9 – Stranger In A Strange Land:

The worst episode yet it gives us topless Benjamin Linus.

Seriously, I have hardly anything else to say about this one.

“Your bedside manner leaves something to be desired, Jack.”

Good fucking God, Jack you entitled self-righteous asshole!

episode 10 – Tricia Tanaka Is Dead:

Roger Workman!

Where’s Sayid btw?!??!?! Haven’t seen him in a while!

Aaaah there he is my bebe Sayid!!!

“SHUT UP! Red…. Neck… Man….”

episode 11 – Enter 77:

It’s the Mikhail Bakunin episode!!!

Oh wait…. Is that a Sayid episode? The one with the cat that I had completely forgotten about until now?!?!?!

I loves Sayid’s flashback hair in this episode.

NOT EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY, JOHN!!!

Oh John, what is it with you and beeping computers?

episode 12 – Par Avion:

“Remind me why we’re keeping him alive?” – “What do you suggest? We shoot him like a dog?” – “No. I like dogs.”

I love you, Danielle!

“The John Locke I know was…” nice time travel foreshadowing

Claire’s aunt is such an asshole!

John throwing Mikhail through the sonic fence is my jam!

DADDY SHEPHARD!

Okay but… if you can just go over the fence? Then why does Smokey not just… fly over it?!

episode 13 – The Man From Tallahassee:

OH NO NOT THAT EPISODE!!! Right in the feels!!!

John finally reunited with his future island husband.

The bedroom scene! Yassss!!!

“The man from Tallahassee? What is that, some kind of code?” – “No, John, unfortunately we don’t have a code for: there’s a man in my closet with a gun to my daughter’s head. Although we obviously should.” FUCK YAAAAS!!!!

“I know you, John Locke. […] Tell me John, did it hurt?” – “I felt my back break. What do you think?”

I like Tom Friendly – he really lives up to his name.

I can’t believe that Jack – the only doctor the survivors have – wants to leave the island all because Kate fucked Sawyer. Sounds like something a guy would do who’d detonate a hydrogen bomb because his girlfriend left him.

Ben and John out-sassing and manipulating each other is foreplay tbh.

“I was born on this island…” LIAR!

THE MAGIC BOX!!!! Fgnidgnidflsgnlkdd FUUUUUCK!!!! SHIT’S GETTING REAL!!!

Also a very rare occasion in which Ben’s beautiful face has no wounds, scratches, bruises…

You can see I adore this episode by how much I have to say about it even if it’s just a ramble of feels

And now it’s bondage John!

“And then you came striding out of the jungle, John, to make my dream come true.”

episode 14 – Expose:

Wow… I can’t believe I’m already that far down into my rewatch.

Unpopular opinion: I actually love Expose. It’s so… useless and dorky that it’s amazing!

“I’m just a guest star and we all know what happens to guest stars.”

It’s Boone and Shannon *cries forever*

I can’t believe someone called Maggie Grace and told her “hey, we know you got totally screwed over and we killed your character before you could have any substantial character development but… we need you back for an episode, you gotta scream your fucking lungs out of your body once more!”

Seriously…. This is the creepiest death on the whole show.

episode 15 – Left Behind:

Hahahaha it’s the one where Hurley tricks Sawyer into being nice

I loooove Cassidy and I love they mirrored this flashback with the Kate-and-Juliet-are-handcuffed-together episode

“My name is Kate.”

episode 16 – One Of Us:

It’s the one where Ben is very very creepy

That’s probably the only episode in which I can somehow understand the people who dislike Ben…. But I still love my dear rat boy!

episode 17 – Catch 22:

Ooowwww I love Desmond episodes

Oh Kate…why?!?!

I deadass forgot the whole freighter plot, like… I knew Miles & Co. where about to appear but I forgot how this whole thing started

episode 18 – D.O.C.:

Jin’s the only one who has a nice dad and a terrible mother

Also I just typed “John” instead of “Jin” which makes me wonder: where’s my bald jungle baby?

Aaaah first mention of fake 815

episode 19 – The Brig:

Fuuuuuck I’M NOT READY!!!

They made me miss my dear John for two (three?) entire episodes only to come back with this to totally rip my heart out

The “previously on” bit already wrecks me

IT’S THE PINS AND NEEDLES SCENE!!! Also known as: Ben tries this “flirting” all the cool kids are talking about.

Terry’s looking hot as fuck in that entire episode

Ben knocking out Anthony Cooper with his walking stick is my aesthetic.

Danielle causally poppin by to get some dynamite

“little hot for heaven, isn’t it?” – I would looooove this whole red herring if it weren’t for the “they were dead the whole time”-crowd

God that Anthony Cooper = The OG Mister Sawyer reveal is AMAZING!

“I thought I was special.” – “Well, everyone makes mistakes.”

Yes, James, KILL THAT ASSHOLE!!!

“I’m on my own journey now.”

episode 20 – The Man Behind The Curtain:

My precious Carrie Preston!

Uncle Horace

“Call him Benjamin.”

“You are the man behind the curtain – the wizard of Oz. And you’re a liar.”

Namaste!

Sterling Beaumon was the best casting choice for baby Ben!!!

Mikhail Bakunin still running like the devil’s chasing him (literally, kinda, considering Smokey revived him.)

John: [Ben] and I are going to see Jacob. – Everyone else: Wuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Ben really has a history of very shitty birthdays.

And this is making me very emotional because it reminds me of the “video of tears and pain” which makes me wanna cry my fucking soul out.

“Kinda hard to celebrate on the day you killed you mom.” Oh fuck off, Roger.

Ben’s Bunny Bag™ back in action

“I don’t wanna go back there. I hate it there.”

The way Richard talks to baby Ben is soooo similar to the way Ben talks to John I’m gonna scream!!!

Okay but this is no kiddon the best episode of this entire show so far. Like… Nothing that happened up until this point compares to this!!!

I FORGOT ABOUT BEN SPEAKING TO AN EMPTY CHAIR!!!!

Still baffles me they thought they could slap some fake hair and make-up on Emerson’s face and make him look like a 20yo – when he was already older than Ben is in our now-timeline… like… was there no 20yo actor with a big nose and bug eyes around?!?!

“Goodbye, Dad!”

“The Dharma Initiative. They came here seeking harmony, but they couldn't even coexist with the Island's original inhabitants. And when it became clear that one side had to go, one side had to be purged, I did what I had to do. I was one of the people that was smart enough to make sure that I didn't end up in that ditch, which makes me considerably smarter than you, John.”

John Locke seriously bringing a knife to a gun fight!

alright kiddos, I am #fucked up now.

episode 21 – Greatest Hits:

How many episodes actually start with someone running through the jungle?

Danielle just showing up to blow something up!

According to Jack this is day 90? So it takes another 18 days for them to actually get off the island at that point?!?! Wow.

Guess that’s the end of bunny #8

episodes 22 & 23 – Through the Looking Glass:

OH MY GOD IT’S THE FIRST FLASH FORWARD!!!

“WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE!!!!”

“I’m a dentist. I am not Rambo.” – I love these two so much!!

Can you believe they thought it was a good idea to give Ben round glasses that make his eyes look even bigger than they already are? He looks like straight out of a manga.

There really is a lot of fatphobia in this episode.

It’s taller ghost Walt

ALEX AND DANIELLE MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!! WELP!!!

Ben letting himself be tackled and punched by Jack is such a power move. I am 100% convinced he let it happen on purpose because it’s already canon that he can easily knock out friggin Sawyer!!!

NOT PENNY’S BOAT

From Ben’s perspective this is once again John “striding out of that jungle to make my dream come true”

“I don’t wanna shoot you.”

Remember when you watched that finale for the first time and didn’t know all the time it was a flash forward and not a flashback?!?!? And then Kate steps out of that car and you were all like WOOOOAAAAHHHH?!?!?!

Remember when you didn’t know whose funeral they were talking about?!?!?!

That last scene was the first time I found Jack actually likable and relatable!

WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!!

[imagine-that-one-thing]

Vegas, baby.

A night in Vegas was an idea on your behalf; you were joking around with your soon to be husband while trying to clasp his attention to take him away from his football game he was thoroughly getting into. When more than half his attention and energy is put into watching some football game, he is unbelievably hard to talk to, but incredibly easy to mess with and lure him into committing to things he otherwise would generally contemplate. While he was muttering under his breath a string of cuss words, words you hate being uttered in the house, but you made an exception for sporting games. You intrigued his attention when the words 'vegas,' and 'bachelorette party,' ran off the tip of your tongue. 

He turned away from the action of the football game, his eyes shining blindingly over at you, a smirk forming on your lips. For a moment he frowned, a clear inkling he does not like the concept of you in Vegas for your bachelorette party while surrounded by god knows how many other bachelorettes with the same idea as you. He has seen far too many movies to know that Vegas and bachelorettes is not an idea he wants for you. 

"Next you are going to ask for male strippers while you sit in a high rise hotel in Vegas after you lose money with your terrible poker skills." He commented, his eyes promptly glancing over towards the television to check the game.

 "Wow, you do listen to what I say when you are watching the game." You chuckled, amused that he turned his attention towards you rather expeditiously.  

"Mhm, I listen.. Every now and again." He admits, adjusting his position on the couch, taking a quick drink of his beer before turning back to you. "So, you wanna go to Vegas?" He questioned, seeming intrigued by your idea. 

Little did you know that your cheeky ways of trying to get his attention would lead the two of you in Vegas holding a bachelor and bachelorette party, along with a Vegas wedding- of course with a proper wedding that isn't held in an elope like church and a man dressed as Elvis. 

If the celebrity-filled nightclubs, exotic cuisine and top-notch hotels in Las Vegas wasn't enough to fill your heart contently, or the indoor glow-in-the-dark, KISS-themed miniature golf course, the warmth of the air and the bustling of eager tourists and happy couples is more than enough to make you smile. 

Your eyes gleam down at the view from the top floor of the hotel room, your eyes mesmerized by the reflecting brilliance lights of the big city.

 "Ya ready to have fun?" Your soon to be husbands voice examines from the softened California King bed accompanied by several pillows. You turn to see him sprawled out on the bed, his hair dropping around his face, soft curls falling appealingly around his face. 

"Yes, are you?" You smile blissfully, curious as to what precisely he has planned for the evening. 

The two of you are yet to discuss the full adventures of the celebration, all you know is you are not allowed to see him once you leave the hotel with the girls; the girls' and his crew of men made a pact to keep the two of you away from each others parties promising the two of you that at no time will strippers be involved. For some reason you don't fully trust Harrys crew of groomsmen to keep him completely out of trouble and away from strippers and gorgeous women; the men are always up for a laugh, and what a laugh it is to stick your soon to be husband in situations where he can knit his brows, crinkle his nose, and try to hide his smirk while his friends get a hoot out of his embarrassment.

 "I'm ready," he confirms with a nod, "any idea what is planned?" He questions as you take a few steps closer to the bed, carefully crawling on the bed, feeling the comfort of the hotel bed. You shake your head, having no clue to what is planned, you have an idea that the night will be full of laughs, alcohol, inappropriate jokes, and presumably inappropriate props. 

"It's not too late to just let the others run wild while we run wild in here." He pets the empty space beside him and you roll your eyes at his comment. You press a kiss to his cheek,

 "we are having our parties." You inform him, watching as he heavily sighs, pouting his lips playfully in an attempt to lure you into covering his lips with kisses. "Kiss me." He instructs, graciously wrapping his arm around you, pulling you closer. You give into his demands, kissing him sweetly, promptly being interrupted as a knock on the door to the connecting room sounds. Harry groans and pulls his lips away from yours, "come in," he calls, the door opening and Harry's sister stepping in and closing the door behind her, "this better be important." He adds, looking towards her to find out what she wants. She points to you, a smirk painted across her face as she holds up a black dress in one hand and a pink sash in the other. 

"You need to put this on," she gives precise instructions, placing the dress and sash on the bed, "and throw on a pair of heels," she goes on saying, making a quick inspection in the surrounding area of the spacious room. 

"Remind me again why you're the one in the connecting room?" Harry calls into question, his fingers subtly drawing circles on your side while his arm is draped around you.

 "Because nobody else was brave enough to take the room next to the love birds with thin walls." She smiles, causing you to bury your face into Harry as you chuckle, dimly embarrassed.

 "Whatever. No strippers, no men, not too many drinks, and please for the love of God do not do anything that'll end anyone in jail for a night." Harry entrusts his sister, unsure of how wild she intends to get. With a laugh she rolls her eyes at her protective brother, 

"don't worry. I only have male strippers dressed as fire men waiting in the lobby. C'mon love, we are on a schedule. Get dressed, don't forget the Tiara." She beckons over to the tiara she must of placed on the small table by the connected door as she entered. 

She leaves the room and you pull away from Harry, getting off the bed and inspecting the dress. With tall black heels, a black cocktail dress hugging your body, and the pink sash hanging around your body you gaze at Harry as he buttons up the his shirt. 

"Promise me you'll behave." He looks over at you, admiring you as you smile in your dress, showing off your long legs.

 "Of course." You take a step over to him, "nothin' to worry 'bout. I'll try not to drink too much." You assure him, pressing a small kiss to his lips, "no promises on the gambling down in the casino." You wink, quite excited to play a round or two down on the poker table. 

"Mhm, keep yeh clothes on this time while playing poker," he reminds you of the one time you two played strip poker in the comfort of your own house, accompanied by a bottle of wine.

 "I'll do my best." You chuckle, "you do the same." Harry shrugs while smirking, his eyes beaming down at you, his finger fiddling with one of the last buttons, 

"no promises," he impishly responds.

 "Don't take your clothes off unless it's for me." You whisper, leaning up and kissing him deeply, your tongues tying together. 

You pull away, leaving him wanting more as he glides his finger across his bottom lip, further smearing the remains of your red lipstick. 

"Gotta go, I'll see you at some point." You chime, heading towards the door, "oh, and baby don't forget to wipe your lips." You inform him of the lipstick smeared across his tempting lips, ready to emerge yourself into the sins of sin city.

After a night of partially completed a "I dare you" to do list, full of a few different dares, ranging from getting a guy to buy you a drink, dancing on a bar top, getting a hug from a bald guy, and holding a penis toy in your hand while walking to a different bar, you finally find yourself laughing and slightly stumbling around the hotel casino. Harry's sister hands you another shot as you sit in a private lounge with your bridesmaids, 

"no, I promised Harry I wouldn't drink too much." You shake your head, knowing that you're already tipsy enough and you don't need to become drunk.

 "C'mon, one more." The girls all cheer you on through their giggles of tipsiness. You shake your head, kindly declining,

 "Let's head to the tables and show these gamblers how us British like to play." Gemma hands the shot glass off to one of the other ladies, instantly ushering everyone over to the gambling section. 

Your ears ring with the sound of slot machines and chips clinking amongst tables, high rollers eagerly watching their opponents in an attempt to call their bluffs. You play for a bit at the tables, losing every so often but gaining back your losses over time— meanwhile the girls continue to drink and stumble over their own heels, giggling as they place bets and at random times win. Gemma hovers over you, watching you carefully. You turn to her and smile,

 "play." You instruct, forcing her to play a round. At first she's skeptical, she's an adventurous person, the more of a thrill seeker between her and her brother; Gemma doesn't usually play it on the safe side like her brother. But, for some reason she's holding back. "Don't be mad that you lost, it's just your first time. Keep playing." You gesture towards the cards on the black jack table, Gemma nods slowly getting into the game. 

When you see her having fun and bouncing up and down when she finally wins more chips, you give her a small smile, 

"I'm going to the room, stay and play." You beckon towards the game, 

"No, it's only four in the morning and I'm not allowed to leave you alone." She disputes as you glance around at the other ladies cheerfully playing at different tables. 

"I won't be alone." You assure her, deciding it's time to break away from the bachelorette crew and let them have their own fun that isn't revolved around you. 

"You cannot find my brother, I made a deal with Niall." She shakes her head adamantly. You raise your brow, smirking as you look at her, 

"no, I know what you're thinking. My brother gives me that same look, no." She shakes her head, reading your mind almost instantly, 

"Niall, huh?" You wink, mannerly nudging her mischievously while she rolls her eyes and tries to hide her blushing cheeks, 

"don't even start this teasing thing." Gemma chuckles, crinkling her nose just like her brother does. 

"Have fun and try not to get too close to Niall tonight, Gem." You wink, walking away from her and walking amongst other late night players and partiers as they gamble and drink their night away. From what you gather, it's like one big party that doesn't end, there's never an area that's empty. 

Your eyes spot a tall figure accompanied by five other men while they're gathered around a poker table along with six others. You walk over to the table and take a seat across from Harry, filling the poker table. He doesn't notice you straight away, being far too busy trying to peak at Liam's cards while Niall and Louis laugh at some kind of joke. Harry's step father is the first to notice you, giving you a nod and a smile as a polite way to say hi. 

As soon as the game begins Harry's eyes meet yours, instantly he smiles and gives you a wink. He struggles to keep his eyes off you, taking no notice to Niall peaking over at Harry's cards. He has a cheeky grin on his face, his eyes are glistening as he gives you a little wink miming a quick, "I love you," before the dealer reveals cards on the table. 

A few hands go past and the boys' are enjoying their winnings, the other men at the table becoming frustrated as they seem to continuously lose to one of the of the boys. The dealer flops the last card and you and Harry are the only ones left who haven't yet folded. 

"Uh oh, this could be the end to a soon to be wedding." Louis teasingly nudges Harry as he peeks over at his cards, 

"Lad, raise the steaks." Niall chuckles as Harry grins over at you. He isn't the best poker player and to be honest neither are you. 

The last time the two of you played poker you were both tipsy and taking your clothes off. 

"To what? She's my soon to be wife, I can't raise them." Harry shakes his head and you instantly roll your eyes,

"Play, it won't hurt my feelings." You assure him with a luring smile, hoping he doesn't call your bluff. He looks at the boys and they all look over at you, attempting to read your poker face. 

Harry places his cards down in defeat, folding the hand instantaneously awarding you the pot of chips. 

"I'm done boys, goodnight." You stand from the table with the chips in your bag. Harry stands as well, 

"ah no, yeh not leavin' we aren't finished." Louis shakes his head at his mate. Harry rolls his eyes and places his hand on Louis' shoulder, 

"I'm raising my steaks elsewhere, you lot keep playing." He mutters, leaving his winnings at the table for the boys to continue. 

With a few whines and groans, Harry leaves his crew and takes your hand, 

"go have fun with them." You gesture, noticing the pouty lips on the boys as they all stare at the two of you, 

"I'm ready to go upstairs," he places a soft kiss on your lips, 

"We aren't allowed to be together." You remind him of the pact Gemma and Niall ultimately created. Harry shrugs, not caring too much about the promising pact Niall and Gemma created together. 

You and Harry find yourselves walking around the hotel, chuckling to yourselves as other couples stumble amongst the slot machines, every so often the slot machines ding with a winner.

 "So, why'd you fold?" You curiously ask Harry, referring to the poker game the two of you were playing. You watch as he smiles, a grin that is always charming to behold. 

"I had bad cards." He stutters, a clear indication he is lying. He's never been a good liar, there's always something about him that gives away that he's lying. Whether it be his stuttering tone, a slight had pressed to his neck as he gently rubs it, or nervous bite to his lip; Harry always does something when he's lying. 

"You're lying." You shake your head, knowing him far too well. 

"What makes ye’ say I'm lying, love?" He raises a brow as he sits down at a slot machine, 

"I know when you're lying." You shrug, sitting in his lap, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

 "You do know these machines are rigged, right?" You quickly add as he places money into the machine, 

"I folded because I knew I'd win, happy? And they may be, but I'm going to win." He mumbles, his free hand gently pressing to his side, 

"Wanna make a bet?" You question, deciding to raise the stakes, he nods pulling the lever and losing money to the machine.

"If I win, we go upstairs right now and raise the stakes in the bed." He whispers just for the two of you to hear, 

"and if I lose, your fantasy of tying me to the bed with my tie, will become a reality." He carefully murmurs in your ear, instantly intriguing your interest. 

You can't help but smirk at the thought of his tie become a prop within the bed...

[waldos-writing]

The Dig Initiative: Chapter 12

The Recruit

The agent ordered a non-fat soy milk Frappuccino with double shot of espresso and vanilla whip cream, drowned the bitch in caramel and grabbed a fistful of sugar packets. Olsen just wanted an Americano. The woman didn’t know how to live. The agent stabbed through the caramel and whip cream with his straw before sucking down a big gulp of sugar and fat and chemicals. The soy milk was supposed to help his stomach. Didn’t work. He never guessed why. It was so damn good.

Olsen picked a table near the windows. The sun was out and, for once, it didn’t feel like an oppressive world of white and gray. The agent checked his watch. April 26th, 10 am. It wasn’t the latest winter they’d had, but it was dragging on and he was glad to see it finally go. The snow was melting so everything was watery and if it wasn’t watery it was salty from the road salt and if it wasn’t that then it was mud. Nothing could be good without a price. Their shoes were caked in dirty slush. Still, coffee was good.

“I heard it was tower 171, out there near the county line,” said the agent, sipping little bits of coffee through the strain of whip cream. “That’s a long ass way out there. It would be hard to know it went offline for a while.”

“Anybody with a truck. That’s all it takes.”

“Sure,” he said and shrugged. “Just, you know, who the hell thought about taking down a CleanAire tower? Like, fuck, we need those, don’t we? To breathe?”

“Apparently,” said Agent Olsen.

She was distant that day. There were times she was chatty and excited and in your face about whatever was on her mind. Had to be she was a manic depressive kinda chick before the fever. Nobody at Locke Security liked to play that game, but the agent was always guessing who people were before. This one was a psychopath, that one was depressed as shit. Some of them had to have heard voices or seen stuff or whatever whatever whatever. It was all in good fun.

The agent used to pull his hair out in the morning as part of his rituals, because if he was bald then he wouldn’t have to drive to the barber shop and get into a car accident and kill a kid in the crosswalk he didn’t see because he was too obsessed looking at his reflection in the mirror and making sure there wasn’t anything on his face that would get him fired so he couldn’t pay his rent and end up on the street and robbing a stranger at gunpoint to make ends meet. He washed his hands so that none of the germs infected a friend at work who might have cancer and an autoimmune disease and he’d murder them with a handshake or a pat on the back and he’d have to live the rest of his life knowing he’d killed someone. Couldn’t keep his house clean to save his life. Too busy keeping himself clean, clean, clean for the safety of everyone else. Good fun.

“So how many groups do you think there are?” Olsen asked without taking a sip.

Theory for the coffee was that she just wanted it to look like she belonged. Maybe she wanted it to warm her hands and keep her grounded. There were little tricks that leaked over from before the fever, little human moments encrypted in the muscles and the blood. The agent still ticked his head to the left now and again or snapped his fingers, stimulating himself as a comfort. He was lucky that the twitch was the only holdover from what it used to be. At least he wasn’t pulling his hair, right? And he got his hands dirty all the time. Sometimes it was okay.

The agent was almost certain she didn’t enjoy the taste of coffee. He slurped some of the caramel off the whip cream as a show of a delicious alternative, even if it was going to make his stomach gurgle and cramp later on. It was good. If she just paid attention.

“Not sure yet,” the agent answered after he swallowed. “How come nobody’s picking up on rogue NARA projects outside the facilities?”

“They probably have,” she said with an eye roll. “Nobody’s saying anything.”

“Because we’re the newbies, right?”

“Probably.”

“Sexist pigs!” But that wasn’t right; Olsen’s face said it all. “Racists!” Nope, not that. “Bunch of bastards.”

“Yeah, well,” she said and rolled her palms across the hot paper cup. “Give me a rough estimate, how about that?”

“Fifty-eight,” he answered. It was a shot in the dark nothing-number. “I dunno, honestly. First day I was there, they were poking each other, you know, how you see in the testing centers. There were, hmm, ten or so I could see. I’ve got two positives at least.”

“At least,” she echoed. This was only funny because he was the augmenter. Neither of them laughed, though. “What about the head guy?”

“Father Barkley?” The agent scoffed, accidentally spitting some of his Frappuccino. He took from a wad of napkins at the table and smeared away the mess on his chin. “Sorry. Uh, he’s nobody. I don’t know, doesn’t act like a priest.”

“He wouldn’t,” she said.

Olsen knew about this guy. She knew a lot about him, more than she let on, and he wasn’t sure why this bothered him. Maybe because they were a team and they had to share everything just to survive. It felt selfish to keep something to herself, but that was her life. The agent didn’t think he had secrets, and he did, but he thought he didn’t. He drank his coffee.

“So,” he said, slurping some more, “what’s the next part?”

“Mm,” she said and looked down at the lid to her coffee. “Just keep on reporting for now.”

“That’s boring as shit, Olsen.”

“Yeah, sure,” she said. “It is.”

“Then you go do it.”

“I don’t want to,” she said.

“That’s bullshit, Olsen.”

“It is.”

He wasn’t actually mad. It was a show, is all, and he had to make sure to keep testing those emotions, keep pushing back against the dynamic to ensure he was still all there. All the other augmenters just became stiff robotic shadows to their talented partners. The agent wasn’t going to let himself become that.

Olsen threw away her cup of Americano, untouched. The agent tossed his after hers and dusted his hands, up and down and up and down on his suit. The sky was already bubbling up with white clouds, ready to converge into a flat matte bank of gray. They had enjoyed their time in the sun, as brief as it was. The agent agreed to meet her tomorrow morning at the same place if she agreed to get something she’d actually drink.

“Never,” she said and smiled only with her mouth and not her eyes.

“Alright, Olsen,” he said, and waived.

They went separate ways down the sidewalk and, as they did, the rain had come back. Olsen undid an umbrella, kept it over her head as she disappeared into a crowd. The agent popped his collar a little and shielded his eyes until they had adjusted, but there was nothing else he could do but trudge on. There was a bus stop close by. He’d hide out in the shelter until the red line made its round and took him closer to the soup kitchen so he could check in on the little nest growing. There was a stick of gum in his pocket, which he fetched and unfolded and popped in his mouth, ignoring the gritty sand that had managed to get in under the wrapper.

It was close to 2 pm when the agent made it to the soup kitchen. He slipped in through the side door near the dumpster he’d been beaten by for allegedly stealing bread. The lights were only half on, near the kitchen and the first tables. A lot of the people inside were huddled under the lights, crowded in but saying nothing.

“Hey,” he said to the closest person, “what’s going on here?”

“Nothing,” said the woman next to him and jerked her shoulder away from him in a big hurry.

“Right,” he said. Rude. He turned to someone else. “What’s going on? Why are the lights off?”

“Micha’s at it again,” said a man to his left as he scratched his face. Before the agent could ask who Micha was, the man pointed into the shadows across the cafeteria.

It wasn’t exactly dark yet. There was still some light coming through the windows, even as cold and rainy as it was out there. It was simply the juxtaposition between the overhead lights and the dark corners that made it seem a more severe contrast. So the agent had to squint a little to see the shapes of people standing in the corner, which only made them bruised outlines. There was a lump sitting on a table with arms raised.

“What the hell’s he doing?”

“He just does this,” said the man and scratched at his nose, turning back to a friend.

The people in the light did not seem bothered by the people in the dark. They stood around and talked or they sat at the tables and talked or they did neither of those things and said nothing. Someone was leaning against a wall and he certainly wasn’t talking.

The people in the dark just looked like they were sitting there. They were all crowded around the table where Micha was raising his hands, spreading out a strong influential field. He was the gray kid from before. The woman with the round glasses was next to him, a hand on his knee. It looked like the gray kid still had a nasty head wound and he’d been picking at it. They were all humming quietly, a beehive under a bucket under another bucket and buried in loose dirt. It was just there, playing under everything, not quite disturbing everyone else. The agent leaned into it, wondering why nobody noticed.

“What’s he doing?” the agent asked quietly only to have the man who was scratching his nose answer, “Just prayer shit. Leave him alone.”

The sun was trying to set. Some of the volunteers were louder in the kitchen, banging pots together or unloading the big industrial dishwasher. They did not come out into the main cafeteria. Nobody was really supervised because the priest, Father Barkley, had fucked off. The whole humming thing was just happening. The agent started to go towards the shadows when the man scratching his nose reached out and stopped him.

“Wait,” he said.

“Hey. What, why?”

“Just watching out for your health,” he said and let go of the agent’s arm.

“Health?”

“Ah, they all gotta cold. Spreading between them like wildfire. So we told ‘em to stay over there and we’ll stay over here.”

“What, that’s so stupid.” The agent stared at them in the shadows. “You’re breathing the same air. You’re gonna get sick too.”

“Oh well,” the guy answered and shrugged. “Is what we have, so.”

“That’s so dumb,” the agent said. He tried counting their heads to give Olsen a number. “You’ll all be sick. What does he think he’s doing? I’m gonna go talk to him.”

“You do, you better not come back to this side,” said the man.

“I’ll do whatever, okay? It’s the same air! You’re so dumb!”

But he stayed put, watching them. He had the number. He had the place. The agent wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Any minute now the ones who couldn’t turn were going to get the fever and go up in a bad way. He wondered if he should convince them to leave the shelter or force Micha and his crew out. Someone coughed and someone else suddenly fell over. They all just kept humming, real low and real persistent.

“Christ, I gotta get Olsen here.”

As he said it, the gray kid whipped his head back and stared hard at the agent from the shadows. The agent almost backed away, almost, but he wasn’t really in danger. He’d already been infected. He kept his ground and crossed his arms as if to say so what, punk?

Careful, a voice whispered across the cafeteria. It was a beam of sound shot right to him. He didn’t flinch, not outwardly. The little shit was an EM. Thought he would scare the predator, well, what did he know? It will hurt.

“Hey, is that a threat?” the agent asked as his head jerked to the side. No, come on, where was the control? He had control. He was the control. He was an augmenter Black Jacket; he knew what he was doing.

“What’s wrong with you?” the guy next to him asked.

“What? I’m not the idiot breathing the same air as those people.”

“Maybe you need to go over on their side if you’re going to be weird about it.”

“Yeah, maybe you need to shut your face,” said the agent and took a seat, his back to the nest. Whatever fuss the agent was putting up seemed like too much of a hassle for the old homeless guy. He made a noise, a loud “baaaah” and waived the agent off like a bad memo from the bank. It was good. The agent decided he was just going to sit there quietly, back to Micha, and wait for something real bad to happen before he raced out of there to tattle to Olsen. She was the active talent, right? So she knew what to do.

Another person fell over. Hot meaty bag of human garbage was being boiled alive. Poor suckers. The whole place was going to be shit soon.

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