#BUT THATS WHAT MAKES IT SO GOODDDDD

[cautiouslyyyoptimistic]

The best part about the bingqiu epic-misunderstandings-era during the jin lan city arc is that it works so well BECAUSE luo binghe is genuinely scary and unnerving at times. I think he should have been SCARIER actually. The dreadful feeling of inevitability that justice will be enacted upon you by the protagonist and his presumably world warping powers and persuasion should be utilized MORE!

[spatio-rift]

i love mountain water... haters (my siblings) are gonna hate but i see her... shes beautiful to me

[rotthepoet]

HELLO???????????

DID I JUST SEE ABAB ON THIS PAGE?????

Hoping on the trend if you do not mind🙏🙏

Dark Mattheo with a boy next pookie 🙏🙏🙏🙏 God your dark Mattheo is so gooddddd

He’s definitely rougher with a guy right??????? Like what if he was obsessed with a dude, hmmmmmm… BI Mattie headcannons for sureee!!!

Baby please you gots to do with for me, it’s a neeeeddddd

HAHAHAH okay so i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, i refuse to designate any of the slytherin boys as gay or straight or bi simply because i want everyone to feel included. While i usually write for afab/fem readers(thats my typical audience as far as im aware), i totally take requests for gn/amab/masc readers.

That being said, I think Mattheo is already rough enough with a Fem reader, and his intention isnt exactly to harm his lover? So i dont think he’ll be any rougher with a male love. He loves his pookie, its not about hurting them<3 its about making sure they never leave him<3

[mekatrio]

ok additional thoughts on 4-3..

it was very 🤯🤯 to learn that trucy has a "real father".... who i highly suspect to be shadi smith lol. it hasnt been stated explicitly whether this is her biological father or not and i still stand by the opinion tht wright isnt the type to adopt children he has no blood relation obligations to, so im still under the belief tht shes wright's biological daughter.. tho it wouldnt be super hard for me to believe tht shes actually not his bio daughter cuz wright having a child at 18 would be crazzyyyy. but yeah thats for case 4 to reveal to me so thts exciting.. oh and also im guessing mr. hat is modelled after zak gramarye, so valant = yellow, zak = blue, and trucy = pink/red like she was in tht cute little picture!

klavier's and apollo's relationship is sooo interesting to meee.. i really really like how its completely different from every relationship wright has had w his prosecutors. every prosecutor has been antagonistic to wright, but even tho klavier makes fun of apollo's forehead and is condescending to him in the court, hes still pretty respectful towards apollo. it was really cool how he entrusted apollo to incriminate drayan, it was very reminiscent of edgeworth's trust in wright during the engarde case. klavier is sooo interesting, like hes all here talking abt "finding the truth" which took our previous prosecutors like 2 whole games to reach that point, but klavier has already reached it here. i also liked how bratty and grumpy he was in the concert LOL and tht whole part in his office where hes like "i want to pursue simplicity :)" is so interesting and i bet will get unraveled next chapter hurhuahfksdj. hes so different in such a refreshing way and i really really enjoy it. i also like how nice he is to trucy, honestly its nice that everyone is nice to trucy! shes the games special girl and im glad we all treat her nicely!

and of course apollo has been so refreshingly different tooooo, it was typical game stupidity for him to leave the crime scene unattended but hey, he hasnt endangered trucy at any point so that has been a huge plus for me. i really like how deadpan and level-headed and 'serious' he is. its just really good character writing that he fills out the same role as wright but his personality is still very different. like wright was bizzare and apollo is not. but hes still as entertaining. also his confidence in the court was very coollll i really like this kid. and also its so neat to play as a protagonist whose the same age as me HAHA. and ive already said this but seriously him and trucy are so cuteeee together, maya and phoenix were the best of friends, but apollo is like looking after trucy and its just super adorable.

also at first i was very 🤨 at this case bc it took its time to point out my defendant was BLIND and short and also how could letouse have known lamiroir was a witness if he wasnt facing the small window, so i was irked during the 1st trial bc of this, but then it ended with a WOAHHH when lamiroir accused drayan and then the court started to get criticized and it was just soooooo gooddddd. oh and the part where i had to figure out how the magic trick worked was really funny bc i genuinely had no idea, and trucy knowing but not telling apollo was hilarious and so was the judge's insistence on learning how the trick worked 😭 i really liked that part! im very happy with the game so far and im super excited for the last case, cuz even tho turnabout corner kinda rushed its ending it was still a neat case and i liked alita's personality as a killer very much, all the cases have been very solid. and im excited to finally receive answers to the many mysteries of this game.. tho im a bit worried abt having the time and space to actually play it cuz eid is in like 4 days hejfkwehjkshdagjk but what happens happens!

^i like this line

[tears-of-boredom]

OH NO EPISODE 11 IS THE GROUNDHOG DAY EPISODE OH NOOOO NONONO SAMMYYY SAMMY HONEY OH MY GOD THE DEJA VU IS HITTING ME BEFORE THE DAY HAS EVEN RESTARTED. OOOHHHH GOODDDDD oh yeah ohhhhhhhh,,, the fucking deja vu,,,,,, sam i feel you before anything has even happeneddd gabriel? gabriel where you at?? torturing sam tonite? LESSGOOO LOOP NUMBER UNOOO oh no its tueasday!!!! i think this tuesday will feel quite long!! loop DOS! dean speaking my mind lmaoooo oh god sam sam did you get a make-up job before this scene why your skin so smooth gabriellllll!!! wednesdayyyy!!! six month later!!!! oh my god is he hot sammy fuckkkk damnnnnnnnnnnnn im so weak for himmm sam your hair please its getting quite long……. oh thats not bobby huh. wait is it? oh i thought sam would realise that bobby was lying NO BOBBY MNONONONONONONONONO BBOBBY MOO FAUCK NO NO NONONONO WAHT THE FUCK I DIDNT REMEMBER THIS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WAIIIT THIS HAS GOT TO BE GABRIEL TRICKING HIM RIGHT RIGHT???? NO SAMMY SAMM SMAAMSMAMMSASAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSMAMSAMM NO NONONONO N ONO NO NONO NONO NONO NO NOSMA FUCK FUKC OHHHHH THANK GOD!!!! oh i've seen gifs of this scene and his puppy eyes lmao oh fuckk dudee

@sardonic-the-writer im way too into the episodes to pause and post these in the middle lmao,, so im posting the rest of these now

[traumxrei-archive]

Oh my gooddddd Trau the Azul fake dating AU sounds SO GOOD???

Im weak enough already for the fake dating trope but then you add in Azul AND some familial (at least thats what I immediately thought of first) Crewel and Crowley ?????

I would ascend. On the spot. (real)

(DONT YOU STRAY FROM WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING THOUGH I SAW YOUR TAGS, BE STRONG TRAU)

(the azul fake dating au skull emoji)

YES. ARIES. YOU GET ME. me when all i’m doing is squishing all my favorite tropes into one but shhh no one needs to knowww—

azul bc he’s just the ultimate, slow burn material character. like bro would probably take 10 years to ask someone to HOLD HANDS, and i believe the fake dating would make him fold and panic 10x faster lmao

and yes. familial nrc profs. they are all yuu’s dads in my heart. crewel’s worried bc in his memory all the whelps around during yuu’s schooling are not worthy, and crowley’s there bc he heard the students talking about it and he’s like how did i not know ?? (he prides himself on knowing what yuu’s up to but now he’s confused)

when i actually start writing it. i will send a crow or something to alert you, so uh…be prepared for a crow to visit you in some distant date.

(ALSO DW. WRITING THAT ASK KINDA APPEASED ME, SO I’VE BEEN WORKING ON MY OTHER THINGS. TY FOR YOUR CONCERN.)

[satoruhour]

hi!!!! i have another bass!suguru/jjk band thought (ง ื▿ ื)ว. satoru's goofy ass would rope suguru into doing this, you know for the theatrics, especially given that suguru's also well-versed with the guitar. i think about the jjk band at least once a day. i would love to hear more about their dynamics and all if you have something in store.

anyways i hope you're doing fine and dandy <33

AWWW WHAT THE HELL THATS SO CUTE !!!!! gojo totally would hes so annoying doing everything but his job 😭😭😭 (jk but well..) hes just a goofy lil guy who loves music and jamming and playing and performing so satoru does weird stuff like this sometimes!!! making silly gestures and rocking out while his white hair is all ip in getos face and he cringes from gojos sweaty body LMAOAOAO but yes ungffff geto would be so hot playing without even seeing the strings / frets bc hes just so accustomed to the guitar despite playing bass?!?!!! its terribly attractive and you mention it to him after the show and eek! mayhaps he teaches you the same way with your back against his chest and you strumming a simple chord? my GOODDDDD babes u just unlocked something in me i would LOVE to develop more on tiis concept!!!

[gender-mailman]

theyre super gooddddd if our friendship evolves into it I shall send some over >:D

anyway Ive been trying to updatw my fursona but its so hard because... who am I.... I really want 1 fursona because even if I have like 200 (not joking) OCs too many fursonas stress me out but also... being plural kinda makes it really hard to keep to one fursona T T

I STIMMED SO HARD WHEN YOU SAID THAT AAAAAAAAAAA /vpos

Oof <:( *pat pat pat* maybe try tô combine your most big kins in the fursona? Thats what i did at least, (a cat-goat) never drew them tho <:)

[regularbeans]

tlou spoilers ig idk issssmyopinion cause i cant tell linn about them cause she asked for no spoilers and i already yelled about it to sara and my sister and i dont know any more people.

i dont think there was anything i didnt like tbh. sarah was really gooddddd, the actor nailed that shit on the head. i like how they established more that tommy depends on joel, with the jail thing, and how they shared the job at the start, i think that was really good. there was more set up about the neighbours too, i just think all that was really cool.

none of the direct quotes from the game felt like pandering or fanservice, which i liked, all of them were really welcome for me. (Didnt think i would sob at hearing a teenage girl say "i sell hardcore drugs" as a joke but here we are.)

I liked that it was all from sarah's POV in the beginning. in the game one of the most poignant scenes is trying to escape in the car, how the adults are in the front seat making the calls and everything is happening around you and all you can do is turn the camera and watch. it was nice that you could like, see her interact with the world even if for a short bit. it didnt feel drawn out or unnecessary, it was sufficiently Paced.

none of the direct quotes from the game felt like pandering or fanservice, which i liked, all of them were really welcome for me. (Didnt think i would sob at hearing a teenage girl say "i sell hardcore drugs" as a joke but here we are.)

the worldbuilding was really nice, like im sure it couldve been done more extensively in the game as well, seeing the QZ and how it works and all that, not just through cutscenes but i do get why they wouldnt do it, they did, however, have time for it on the show, which i really liked. the whole circle of trades joel got through to get info on tommy. i love that tommy is more present from the beginning. like in the game we were looking for him when we find him but it comes up as an idea later in the game like "okay what now, ig lets go find tommy" but here he's already established to be. Out There. and something happened between him and joel that we dont know anything about yet.

i am wary of tess a liiiittle bit because annie wersching is just so fucking good. like when they said she walked into the audition As Tess, you just know they mean it. and i only ever saw anna torv as olivia in fringe and shes good in that but a part of her character is that she's a little grey and a little unnoticable and all that so. i was a little afraid. and sure she gives off a different vibe but she has that same gentleness juuust below the surface that game tess did, and i love that joel really is just the muscle, but tess is the brain and the authority in the pair.

so that was good.

marlene is 100%, i really loved her. i dont know why i thought seeing her wear the same simple clothes as game marlene did was such a huge deal that i had to hyperventilate, but you know. like dude, its a tank top, calm down.

anyway. i was fine with all of the changes, i dont think anything they changed took away anything from the characters. maybe i expected them to react to the fungi'd body a little differently. like the spores were already established and seeing a bitch like that should mean its about to start sporing but. maybe its just a detail that theyre. not. supposed to wear a gas mask at that point.

ig thats the one thing that made me go hOL'UP. but nothing else i can recall

the fireflies were alright, like we see the explosion from the game just somewhere else in the game so we see about as much of them in the show as in the game.

obviously, i think ellie's actor has the most to prove which, goddamn, thats gotta be Some pressure eh. but i think she did well. the few lines she had were well written, they got her character through well. but i also loved how once they were outside and in danger following tess and joel, she really was just a scared kid who's really just trying to Appear Big and scary by cursing and yelling and lashing out at new people and being a little brat.

i dont think i have any like, observations about her as of now. i liked her on screen, obviously shes never gonna be the same as ashley johnson ellie but i also dont want her to be? actually there were two lines where i felt like she was imitating game ellie (or it really just came across like that for my ears) and that actually bothered me more than when she was "different". which. she is, obviously x)

so yeah i really like her, to me it all hinges on her chemistry with joel. i think the actor will do a fine job if the dynamic is written well.

joel for now is kind of a blank slate i guess, classic hardened badass that he was in the game as well. so im excited for him to become a real character next to the cast of characters they'll meet along the way and as their relationship with ellie transforms.

for now, the show is really promising, it really got me hyped, i cried, i laughed, i literally screamed out loud when they mentioned riley x') so it had me in my tlou feels, definitely.

but im also wary because of the video game adaptation curse thats been going for centuries x) also for some reason adaptations often love to go tits up right before the ending? like they want to do something else something different and have their own moment. i expect and accept a lot more changes thats not the issue but just dont... steal the heart of the story, okay?

thank.

also i had no idea they kept gustavo for the music so i may have wept when i heard the theme song. i have sooOOO MANY fond memories of playing the game for the first time. it was such a special, special experience with giules in rome, playing a video game for the first time in my life, having so many great experiences just being with her family and all. listening to the OST on the beach together :")

ahh so good.

anyway, feels. yes. good. lets go. i have faith.

[lisxdumbr]

I think the reason why Nazuna got into singing in the first place is that it was freeing. It was an expression of freedom, although he never truly liked the church songs, and his mother had put him in, she just let him do his own thing. It was a church thing, it mattered that he did it but didn't matter if he was good at it or enjoyed it. All that mattered to her was that her son did it, and so she just let him do it. But what she didn't know is that he found a sort of freeing from these songs. It wasn't the songs themselves, the lyrics or the instrumentals, it was the time he had spent with the rest of the kids in the choir. He didn't particularly like them, in fact, he can't quite remember their faces now, but it was that he could simply interact with them however he wished. His parents weren't watching, and all his mom did was talk to the other parents- and unless he caused a ruckus, he knew that they'd speak positively about him. So, he was free, free to sing. Even though the chorus was about singing how it was supposed to, everyone was unique, and once he had found his own voice in the sea of voices of the many children present, he was finding himself. That was freedom.

sorry you are subject to my thoughts too

+ another ask:

Nazuna has felt trapped in a cage for all of his life. When he was young, he banged on the door of all sides. Many would come to visit him, admire him, as a child- but he never wanted them there. He soon came to cherish them that at least he wasn't lonely, that he wasn't trapped in a cage and alone- at least he was trapped in a cage and had some people with him. It wasn't so bad... that he could be near others- so he stopped being hostile, because they'd leave. Even if he knew that some of their interest was only because of his looks and reputation. People brought things in, it was somewhat comfortable. But he was still stuck inside the cage, trapped and in his own space forever. It was when he got to sing in the chorus that there was a beautiful sound in the cage, where he could stick his hand through the golden bars stretching ever too far up. It was a little bit, a taste of freedom- and he loved it. He pursued it, he stuck his hand further out, his voice becoming his greatest weapon in piercing the magical barrier created by this cage of his parents' "protection". At least he was grateful there weren't too many outside forces.

Even when he had gone to yumenosaki, he thought he'd been let out of the cage, but in this point, the cage had been created within his mind, wandering and aimless, until he had met itsuki shu. valkyrie had given him reasons to work hard, a concreate goal and a teacher who knew how to achieve perfection. he was to become the doll he had always been called. and he pushed himself, hard, harder than he could ever take, and thats when the cage snapped, when he released himself, he wandered again, out in the world. it was cruel and tough, until he met ra*bits and joined them, and it was then he discovered how to live outside of the cage, and even guiding others along with him.

Sorry for the late reply, you sent this the day I have my full day routine (please free me--)

BUT OHHH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOODDDDD. I love how passionate you are talking about him pls, don't apologize!!

I may not know a lot about Nazuna but I can get your point. I believe he indeed felt the necessity of being free. he wanted to stop being in the glass cage to become human (ah yes, the Valkyrie member experience) and he indeed found how to do it by encountering Ra*bits.

I actually believe Valkyrie was able to make him realize about the cage in some way? Because he formed it with Shu and he agreed to be the doll in the first place, that was the only life he knew so he took it. But after the war, everything changed, and that's where the eccentrics enter (bless them 🙏) because I do think Wataru made him realize that the cage was open the entire time and he was the one who decided to stick to it and that's SOOO IMPORTANT

The only Niichan story I've read is the one from Love it Love it (sorry I am not inclined towards Ra*bits that much </3) AND HIS DEVELOPMENT IS SO HUGE. I do believe he loves ra*bits with his life, not only because they were his key to happiness but because they gave him a purpose to pursue. And speaking of Love it Love it, I do think he sees himself reflected in Tomoya; that scene where he breaks down, I'm so sure Niichan made sure to be there because that's what he always wanted from his senpai, reliability of some sort <333

ANYWAY QIAN I'M KISSING YOUR BRAIN RN THANKS FOR THE THOUGHTS

[rowdent]

ohhhh bc ee have things that look the exact same usually filled with cheese and bits of fried chicken and theyre soo gooddddd thinking about it is making me hungry rn

YRAH they are so good. unrelated but also kinda related rn I'm in a boat tour thing and all I want is tequeños bc thats iusuallt what the restaurants sell to ppl ln the beach an f j want them so bad rn

[hammcrkind]

YESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK avatar TLA is VERY good

[izzyliker]

I've never really participated in a fan week for anything before and I saw tmt4t was a thing and INSTANTLY was overjoyed. Finally I had a reason to write my jongeorgie & jonmartin thing with gender exploration (not that i needed a reason, but still) and I'm SO excited for what the week is gonna be like, thank ya for making something like it!

OH THATS SO EXCITING!!!!!! gender exploration GOODDDDD and jongeorgie gender exploration [vibrates quickly]

[legobatjoker]

wait ok so idk if this will make sense but like. i made colour pallets based on each tswift album not in like. the album cover or colours assoicated w each album but like the colours mentioned in the albums if that makes sense ? (i didnt like. listen out for colours in each album myself tht wld have taken me agess i got then from this post) this is what ive made so far (the colours beneath each one isnt part of it theyre j there so u can see the white shades)

this doesnt have the lyrics corosponding 2 each colour on it rn so ill j give a quick example, for red the lyrics are, "this is the golden age of something good and right and real" "comes back to me burning red" "and my cheeks are growing tired of turning red and faking smiles" "after plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own" "all my walls stood tall painted blue"

there are other colours mentioned in the albums other than the ones i chose for this but wanted 2 limit myself 2 five per one (the teal nd green dots next 2 folklore nd evermore r colours i thought abt incuding but wasnt sure abt) nd i limited myself 2 one colour per song (not including colour mention in multiple songs) nd i think they all look rly cool so nd i do wanna make this into like proper post/edit thingy nd mayb do smth with them like draw a scene described in the album w the colours (e.g "theres something abt the way the street looks when its j rained" w the fearless colour scheme) but i think i kinda wanna tweak the colours a little bit 4 some of them so they work better 2gether nd stuff nd also like. the thing abt speak now is tht it only mentions five colours (nd one of them is "and her snobby little family all dressed in pastels" line which i j made pastel purple bc thats the speak now colour) nd like. bc of that since i didnt rly have an options to chose from nd it doenst rly work so i think i mgiht wait 4 speak now tv 2 come out nd choose the colours from that if any of the vault songs from it mention dif colours bc rn its rly not working tht well imo 😭😭😭 but ya i j thought this wld b rly cool so i made it :]

WAIT THATS SOOO COOOOL omg so many of those look soso gooddddd like esp the red one…. and now im gonna pay more attention to the colors mentioned in songs wow:000

[survivetashirojima]

Episode #4: “My move........ it approaches.........“ - Joanna

NOOOO JG. You will be missed ;-;. Sorry I didn't ally with you but like, following your trend of orgs, I couldn't risk this one having you go missing in the middle again which happened. The challenge sucks tho. I really wonder what the punishment for not doing it is. A lot of people are hella inactive so I'm assuming its to curb on that. Its really annoying tbh. I want a nice friendly game but most of the people don't talk and i'm sad. I came back to make new friends but its okay, I still got Madeleine and Joanna and others. *sigh so quiet...

Okay so, I am getting my goals Play the game with out my parents knowing-  it’s been over a week. They don’t know. Make moves, do shit- I am in 3 alliances and just successfully coronated my first vote. Don’t fail my classes- I’m only failing one it’s fine. And everyone is so nice! I love this cast so much!!! And JG just quit, ugh. I hope everything is okay, and he is okay!!

Oop, it’s been a minute since I’ve confessed. My bad. Not much has been happening but now I’m up to 3 alliances without doing much so I guess that’s good. There are people who are real quiet...I guess I am too, but I have people I trust

https://youtu.be/DmayBejZEqM

OKAY 1. I just won myself back into I Love Money, which was the ORG that I got eliminated from that drove me to steal that road sign LMAO anyway if that makes me more inactive I’m sorry ;-( I’m naturally bad at orgs so this twist of no tribes already puts me at a disadvantage 2. and now I’m one of the 6 people who can be eliminated which. Puts me on edge. UGH why am I on the bottom of this already. I’m gonna try to push for Kevin bc he’s a comp beast, that’s all I got

I DID IT I WON A THING I WON MY FIRST THING OH MY GOODDDDD I'M SO EXCITED TIME TO MAKE BIG MOVES

Pat and I are going to try and make a move tonight. We are deciding between Dylan or Andrew. I think Dylan is feeling super comfortable so I'm pushing for him. I'm excited to try and mix up this game. I think this is the round that things need to start happening, and I am going to do my best to make them start happening, and make them start happening exactly as I want them to. I want to become a mastermind in this game. An under the radar threat. I have won a single immunity, I can use Pat as a shield and as an ally and I can control this game behind my shield, because nobody will think of this little high school girl as a threat. Thats the hope at least. 

I thought Stephen was going to like want to work with me, but he is super hesitant about it. Currently trying to sway Timmy into voting for Dylan. Said that I heard Dylan and that I was leaning towards voting for him, he doesn't have to know that voting Dylan is my idea. Hopefully I can pull this thing off, a blindside under my belt won't be too bad. I told Kevin that I heard his name from Stephen (this is true btw), so hopefully Kevin will trust me more than he already does (or at least I think he trusts me). I got my work cut out for me if I am going to pull off this Dylan vote, but Pat and I are working hard at making sure this happens and I really hope that it is pulled off.

MY MOOOVVVVVVEEEE It's falling apart. I don't think I have the numbers and tribal is coming up. Brien might have to go I guess.

literally I’m probably going home LMAO I think I have people protecting me, but it’s probably me. So basically if this is my last confession: I love you all, and this is the lowest placement I’ve gotten in an ORG

So, developments. Cause I’m a messy bitch I’m making another alliance with kevin pat joanna and maybe others, the reasons for this are twofold. 1: more information. seeing how they talk and who they talk about will tell me a lot, and 2: i never wanted to put all my eggs in a kalokairi basket to begin with. Dylan barely talks to me, god knows what madeleines doing after that challenge, timmy is awesome but also very smart and knows me well. So this alliance provides me with other options, however, the risk is that if theres a majority alliance with someone from kalokairi and this new alliance they will know im being shady, and likely vote my ass out. But they may have been targetting me all along, who knows. At this point I might try and target brien, because he is in neither of my major alliances, but the new alliance is pretty sold on dylan so... who knows?

So, I’ve been busy. I am honestly out to get Madeline. Joanna is my main bitch. I am close with jay and brien as well. And me timmy and Madison have an old relationship. I feel good about working with them going forward. I love Kevin as well. I like vi. Everyone else is boring. But I’m like trying hard to get Dylan voted out first and be the crazy vote and save brien my Philly brother. This has been the craziest vote yet and you all have me and Joanna to thank for that. This whole individual immunity thing makes me feel so good.

*Screams into the void* THIS VOTE IS A FUCKING MESS so this is the Dylan Brien vote. (unless something else gets thrown in then I'm just fucked) so basically i was helping plan a good ol' Brien vote out. I had it all good. we had Majority, then I watch it crumble before my very eyes. first it seemed like Kevin wasn't with us, and then Stephen. so as far i know it is 45 minutes until tribal and we presumably have majority OR everyone is lying to me and dylan is going home. I just, this is a giant mess.I love it, but i also hate it. it is out first complicated vote. *Continues screaming into void*

Sorry I haven't confessed in a bit, I've definitely been INV the last few episodes lol. But anyways, get out of work and for the first time it really felt like I'm playing a game. People were FINALLY messaging me about an actual strategy and actual decision that needed to be made. Joanna filled me in that it's Dylan or Brien going tonight, and that she was leaning Dylan. At first I wanted to go for Brien instead, but I talked to Pat and he give me a whole list of people who are voting for Dylan. And TBH if no one is gonna give me an alternative, that's just what I'm gonna do. Besides, the only people who have talked to me today were on that list so those are the people I want to work with. Like Pat, Joanna, Madeleine, Kevin. But apparently this vote is split down the middle so?? I assume if it deadlocks that everyone immune won't have to draw a rock, so I really don't mind letting it tie. Though realistically anyone not immune is just gonna flip their vote to avoid it. Tho I'm really not worried about next round's tribal either. There are far bigger fish to fry in this game over me right now.

My move........ it approaches.........

So I'm desperately typing this 5 minutes before tribal AHH! So earlier on Pat told me Madeleine was voting with him. I messaged her like, 30 minutes ago, asking her what she was doing. And she just starts pushing real hard for me to keep Dylan. It was pretty much like I was her last hope in the world. TBH I'm not falling for the age-old Survivor trap of telling both sides I'm voting with them. If the vote doesn't go my way, it doesn't go my way. I can't be a wishy-washy player this early on in the game. It's way more likely for the majority to take revenge on the person in the middle than someone who was just a cog in the machine for the other side. Right now I just want to play the part of a loyal alliance member and get down to smaller numbers. I can't be seen as anywhere near responsible for the first game defining moment of the season. It's way way way too early.

CASUALTIES:

CAST ASSESSMENT:

PART 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqzYsBDKxCc&list=PLB-4yJ0EHce-bxHQVmQVdrV6tx36_6Jly&index=9

PART 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqnaixVax30&list=PLB-4yJ0EHce-bxHQVmQVdrV6tx36_6Jly&index=10

PART 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2z-brIL5i0&list=PLB-4yJ0EHce-bxHQVmQVdrV6tx36_6Jly&index=11 

[undyinghappinessblog]

Thank you Universe, for presenting safe and timely places to unabashedly fuck up

Loooollll wellll THAT was an experience. 

Remember my last post? The one where I am ranting about how I NEED that acting fix??? Well I mean, I still do, but I gotta come at it from a completely different angle. Hahaha and I learned that the hard way this week in my last class. 

So I took a 9 week women's lab acting class. And it was amazing!! My instructor brought in women from the industry and who had been doing it for a while, they answered all of the questions that were BURRRNNING my soul and they really reminded me that you gotta stay grounded and supported in order to succeed and stay sane in this business. THAT, and I reaaalllyyy fucked up hahah. 

Alright so, I havent really had a chance (nor have I given myself one) to sort of hash out and talk about what happened in my life and how its affected me. This has resulted in an intense case of anxiety for me in maaaanny circumstances...I panic and jump to conclusions and rush and never really take my time because I am too busy panicking. And lately, I have found that its really starting to bleed into my acting. Which fucking ssssuuuuuuucccckkksssssss. I will all of a sudden become INCREDIBLY aware of myself and freak myself out with thoughts like “Oh god...IM ACTING....THEY ARE WATCHING OH GOODDDDD WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT OH GODDDD”...and then its like..I am paralyzed...and I forget words and slur and its a fuckinnn meeessss!!! 

I first experienced it last summer on the musical I worked on..I was on stage and I wanted to say my lines, but something else came out instead...I freaked the fuuuccckkk out and panicked. I experienced it again in my last class when I performed a piece that was directed by another girl in the class. I was meant to lip sync a rap and I got half way through and I compleeettteellyyy lost the lyrics. I should have kept going and just faked it, but I dropped out and was literally like “I FORGET EVERYTHING GUYS”. Fuck..it was AWFUL. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and so upset that I ruined the piece for my partner. I could tell my teacher was disappointed in me...or maybe I am just being insecure..I dont know...either way it was terrible....especially because I had done it perffeeecctttttly 383842 times before.

But after experiencing that, I learned the biiiggest lesson. Man, you really gotta take care of yourself and pay attention to what YOU need as an actor. And without judging yourself!!  I learned that it doesn't matter what kind of performance it is, or who is watching, I have to get myself COMPLETELY grounded with a warm up or a calm down deal. I am a panic-prone person and I cant just go into something cold turkey. And that is okay!! It was a really great reminder to myself that I gotta stop comparing myself to others and how they work and get back to looking after myself and focusing on how I work and without judging myself. So what if I need a minute to warm up and get grounded?? I NEED EXTRA TIME AND ITS OKAY. I FUCK UP. I PANIC. I GET OBSESSIVE. AND ITS OKAY. 

I gotta say though..I am so fuckin glad it all happened. Because I guarantee you that I will NEVER do that again and I will find a way to manage the anxiety and panic attacks. I’m going to focus on getting myself better with my self esteem, but also with accepting help when I need it. And assssskkiinnggg for it when I need it. I immediately emailed counsellors in the city so I can start to work on taking better care of myself and having more trust and faith in myself. Had this not happened in class, who knows where the fuck I could have freaked out. It was the safest and best place to fuck up and freak out.

 So. Thank you universe for presenting me with this opportunity to fuck up, and learn to make myself better, healthier and happier. I’m starting to see that you have my back. 

Hahahahahah as embarrassing and fuckin shitty as it was in the moment, it was a much needed reality check for me. It reminded me that although I have come a long way, I still have a loootttt longer to go...AND THAT IS OKAY. I may not be at Meryl Streep or Emma Stone level yet, but thats okay because I am at a Paige level....and I don’t want to be anywhere else. It also in a weird intuitive way showed me and reaffirmed the fact that I will get there and reach my goals (this I am fuckin 100000% sure of. I will ABSOLUTELY get where I want. ALL of my goals will be reached), I just have to take my time and not rush it or question it or try to force it or plan it!! I don’t want to know HOW I get there, I just KNOW and TRUST that I will. 

I gotta take it as it comes without judgement and take it with patience, grace, commitment and gratitude. 

That, and a full grounding warm up ;)