#BUT Rain would be super respectful of the bikes immediately because he knows how much it means to Phayu

[glamgoblin]

Phayu teaching Rain how to ride a motorcycle lives rent free in my head

[onewmin]

the perfume on the shelf. pt. 9 | bangchan

Pairings: Bang Chan x Fem!reader, Kim Yugyeom x Fem!reader

Summary: Falling in love with your best friend was never a part of the plan. So you end it up. But does he want to put a stop to it, too?

Warnings: AU, awkward friends to lovers (flashback), a description of a kiss, a super-overused cliché (you’ll know when you see it), profanity, slightly violent behaviour by Chan, a lot of awkwardness, Chan doesn’t seem to see that he’s the problem, typos

Author’s note: hope you enjoy the chapter!! Let me know what you think <3

Disclaimer: the names and appearances of real people are used for inspiration and writing purposes only. I do not claim anything, everything belongs to its owners.

Part 8 | Part 10

“Come on, Yugyeom, come on!”

You screamed at the top of your lungs, wind roughly hitting your face as you were pedaling your bicycle at a crazy speed. The clouds abruptly turned dark grey, making the two of you ending the picnic on the meadow and ride your bikes back to your respective country houses. A short summer weekend to the country that your parents had organized was supposed to be all outdoors, hanging out under the sun experience; however, the weather had other plans for all of you.

Your mom was calling you non-stop, demanding the two of you you came back home before the rain started. Yugyeom’s parents weren’t that concerned, having texted him to get back home safely only. Yours, on the flip side, your mom especially, had already scolded you about you getting soaked and getting sick before the rain actually started. So that’s why, Yugyeom and his slow bike pedaling made your blood boil. You were not supposed to get even more berated at because your friend was super sluggish!

You hit the brakes as soon as you saw the cottages on the hill. It would only take around fifteen minutes to get back home, so you really needed to rush even harder.

“We really need to speed up-“, as you turned around, saying the words, there was no Yugyeom. He was far away, standing on the side of the road, taking pictures of the thunderclouds on his phone.

“Are you kidding me?” You hissed as you hopped on the bike again to aggressively ride to where he was standing. In that moment the fact that you went on that picnic was to create a super romantic atmosphere to finally confess your feelings to him — the feelings you, what seemed, had been carrying in your heart since you were eleven — this fact had completely escaped your head. The only thought circling around inside your brain was how much you wanted that idiot to be scolded by your parents for being irresponsible and having his head so far up his ass-

“What the hell are you doing?” You jumped off your bike, leaving it on the ground on that empty country road the two of you had chosen for your rides when you were ten. “It’s goin’ to rain soon, we have to get back home!”

“Look how beautiful it is”. He pointed somewhere, but you didn’t pay attention; you were looking at him watching the sky. Yeah, he was extremely pretty, you’d noticed it a long time ago. And while he was gawking at the grey clouds, you were examining the moles on his face — especially the one under his eye. You felt that absorbing urge to pepper kisses all over his stupid handsome face, but gulped and turned to follow his directions instead.

The sky was painted in dark colors as the bluish and grayish shades were mixed, clouds turning purple, when they unhurriedly moved to the two of you. You’d never seen a view like that; mesmerized as you were, you couldn’t take your eyes off the sky.

“It’s really pretty”, you breathed out, eyes glued to incredible scenery. In front of you was another meadow, and the green grass looked almost grey under the darkly-colored sky.

“Y’know what else is pretty?” You heard Yugyeom saying quietly.

“What?”

“You”. His voice came out as a whisper, but you heard him; turning your head to look at him, your hand immediately reached to your neck to start scratching it nervously.

“Wh-what?” You stammered.

“You”. Yugyeom never stammered as much as you did. “You’re so pretty, I-I-”. Oh shit, did he stutter? Holy crap. “I just can’t think of anything else, you’re always on my mind”. He paused to take a deep breath.

Did your everlasting crush just confessed his feeling to you? Wha-a-a-t? “I only, uh”, he scratched the back of his head, still looking at you, “I was waiting for the right moment to kiss you today”. Your heart skipped a beat.

“Maybe…” You uttered, fingers tugging at your earlobe. “Maybe you could do it now…” You turned away, having no ability to bear looking at him. You were chewing on your bottom lip, eyes fixated on the clouds while the sky was playing its thunderous symphony.

In a swift moment your hands were in his as Yugyeom interlocked your fingers. Your heart was drumming inside of your chest the same way the thunder was blasting its favourite song. And Yugyeom, ever so stoic and never nervous, blabbered about his sweaty palms and how it was supposed to make you uncomfortable. What an idiot.

You smiled. Never in a million years you’d think Kim Yugyeom, the dream of half of the girls in your year, would awkwardly mumble in front of you, his childhood friend.

He unlocked your fingers, his hands hesitantly landing on your shoulders. “I don’t really… I don’t know how to it”.

“Me neither”.

His eyebrows rose and he glanced at you as if you’d told him you were secretly a royalty. “You… don’t?”

You lifted an eyebrow. “How would I know?”

“Well, uh…” He gulped. “You… I’ve never thought… I thought… Oh god”, he sighed, “whatever”.

With that being said, he cupped your checks, leaning in close. Warmth blossomed inside your chest as roses in the garden did every spring. Your lips brushed together, tentatively, as you felt his hot breath on your face. Yugyeom’s eyes were already closed, and you squeeze shut yours. The smell of his almond shampoo was dizzying, and you tugged on his arms, just to keep yourself from falling. His lips were warm, almost pillowy against yours, so soft you could drown in that mere touch. Yugyeom’s bottom lip was caught in between yours, and you finally responded to a kiss, timidly repeating his movements to taste the strawberry flavour of the chapstick he had applied earlier.

It was too sloppy and open-mouthed for your liking now, but for the eighteen year old you that was a perfect first kiss.

The drops of rain hit your head abruptly, adding more water in your already wet kiss. And as the two of you pulled away simultaneously, your eyes opened only to see him breathing heavily, his eyes still closed. The rain had wetted his hair quickly, and his face was glistening under the grey sunset. And when he finally opened his eyes to look at you…

The both of you grinned at each other. Yugyeom ran his hands through your damp hair and smiled again. “I liked kissing you more than I imagined I would”.

You bit your lip. “I didn’t think you, uh… I didn’t think you noticed me in… In this way”.

He sighed. Having brushed off the strand of hair behind your ear, Yugyeom quickly pecked your forehead. “I notice you. All the time”.

A smile stretched across your lips as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, tiptoeing, to brush your nose over his. To say your heart was ready to jump out of your chest would have been an understatement.

If eighteen year old you only had known that saying goodbye to him would be like a repetitive torture made by thousand cuts from sharp daggers, she would have beaten you up for moving on from him in the first place. But now, looking at him eight years later, you could still catch a glimpse of that boy you fell in love with, however… He was different. Yugyeom radiated confidence even more than he used to, being able to withhold conversation with everybody in the room; only his smile was a bit more simper than you remembered it to be.

“So?” Eunjoo showed up in front of you as if she hadn’t done anything weird several minutes ago.

“You totally failed as a matchmaker, Eunjoo”, you sipped on the drink in your hands. “I’m honestly embarrassed for you”.

She smacked your shoulder angrily. “I can’t stand you”. She crossed her arms at the chest and huffed. “How long are you going to cry over Chan? Your entire life?”

“It’s been only two months”. You reasoned. “Or, was I supposed to move on immediately after we broke up?”

“Not immediately”, she agreed, “but…”

“But what?”

“You’re not supposed to suffer forever”.

“Eunjoo”, you put your hand on her shoulder, “it’s been two months. Let me suffer through it”.

She sighed, but nodded. “So…” She continued. “It didn’t go well with Yugyeom then?”

You let out a deep breath, hands covering your entire face. “You’re unbearable”, you mumbled. “Can we, please”, you looked at her again, “talk ‘bout somethin’ besides my ex-boyfriends?”

Eunjoo lifted her hands. “Alright. But just so you know”, she took you by the arm, “I’m just trying to lift you up”.

“This is your strategy, not mine”, you said, as the two of you were walking towards the tables. “Y’know, running back to an ex after a tough break up”.

She smacked your shoulder again. “Ouch!”

“Shut up”, she hissed. “My strategy worked”.

“For who? For you piece of shit ex? Or for Jeong, who didn’t even care?”

She said your name through gritted teeth, what was a total contrast with a smile she was faking. “One more word”, Eunjoo almost spat, “and I will kill you”.

You huffed, but didn’t respond — sometimes Eunjoo was too serious to take her threats lightly. Besides, you were enjoying this fun bickering with her in the last couple of weeks.

As you were seated to finally have a meal, your eyes couldn’t help but wander to where Yugyeom was sitting; to you, it was this soft golden light around him, making him look even more angelic than you remembered. Once, when Chan asked what was so special about Yugyeom, you even thought that you made him up, that you romanticized your first love too much for it to be actually the way you remembered. But you didn’t. Yugyeom was real, and his love, as free as running through the meadow on a sunny day, just to have the wind gently hug you with every step you took, — his love was the realest thing in your life.

Loving Chan had never felt as gratuitous; it was always filled with your tears, everlasting chest ache for someone who could never be yours as much as you were his. As a matter of fact, you even felt a bit happier it was all over now.

You didn’t have to pretend around him anymore, you didn’t have to hide your feelings, to suppress them to the point where you almost became numb. Your heart was broken; almost every night you were going to bed and overthinking every little thing you did. The tears you showed only to your cat felt harder than rain, however, they weren’t draining anymore — they were liberating.

Yugyeom raised an eyebrow, noticing your fixated gaze on him; you slightly nodded and turned away, feeling the embarrassment creep up your cheeks. Hopefully, he wouldn’t think too much of it — otherwise, it would be too difficult to explain what you’d been thinking about.

Your mind always came back to Chan, no matter how hard you tried to mute even the slightest memory of him, your mind conjured up every shared moment with him possible. However, what’s more important was the other point that bothered you: was Chan thinking about you as much as your thoughts were wrapped around his silhouette in your life? Was he also crying himself to sleep throughout these months, listening to the midnight radio program just to rock himself to sleep? Was he obsessing over every little detail of your relationship during his therapy sessions?

Of course, he wasn’t. He resisted therapy while being with you, so he wouldn’t be a dedicated patient now either. Probably he was too engrossed in his own thing, writing music and doing whatever assholes do. Incidentally, Minho tried to tell you something about Chan, but you refused to listen; you were glad, truly glad they were slowly building up their friendship once again, but you didn’t want to know Chan’s whereabouts. When your previous boyfriend broke up with you, scrolling through his social media hundredth of times a day didn’t really contribute to your healing — quite on the contrary.

Your thoughts were flowing through your head concurrently with giving toasts and people declaring their love to Youngjae, his loud laughs at whatever joke made and Eunjoo’s so-called ‘discrete’ texting under the table. No matter how much your never ending thinking consumed you, no little detail ever left your vision.

A couple of hours had passed before Youngjae started persuading everyone to continue his birthday party at a karaoke bar. He was rather tipsy to make good decisions, nevertheless, everyone agreed to it. Everyone, except for your best friend.

“Are you kiddin’ me?” You took her by the arm as she led the two of you to the exit. The other guests followed shortly after.

“What?”

“You’re leaving Youngjae’s birthday party to go and hang out with Minho?” You couldn’t believe your ears! Always well-composed and strict, now Eunjoo was being like that? What’s next? She’d start using contractions in her speech all the time?

“It’s not like that”, she responded quietly, “I’ve had a horrible headache for the whole day, you know it”. You nodded frantically; she was texting you all day, complaining that her migraines seemed to be back again. But it wasn’t a reasonable excuse for…. For this whole Lee Know thing. “Minho’s just… Offered me a ride home”.

“Really?” You raised an eyebrow. “You could’ve asked me”.

“You’re drunk”.

You stopped abruptly. “No”, she looked at you in disbelief, “I didn’t have a drop of alcohol tonight. Even if I was drunk”, she took you by the arm, “you could still ask for a ride. Just, y’know, to be polite.

As the two of you stopped at the parking lot, waiting for Eunjoo’s ‘ride’, Youngjae and Yugyeom — of course — had caught up with you.

“You sure you don’t wanna go?” Youngjae held his cousin by the shoulders as she shook her head.

“My head will explode if I do, Youngjae”. He nodded to her words, also knowing about her history with migraines. And as they engaged in the conversation, you and Yugyeom awkwardly stood next to each other.

“Are you comin’?” His question was the first one to cut through the silence. And you glanced over at him to see he was looking back at you.

You shrugged your shoulders. “Yeah, I guess”.

“Cool”. He nodded. Some more seconds passed in silence. “You’re also callin’ a cab?”

You shook your head. “No, I’m drivin’ there myself”.

“Cool”. He nodded again. Oh dear lord, it had never been this awkward when you were teenagers.

“How’s your job?” Yeah, no matter how uncomfortable it was, you still had this urge to speak to him. You really had no idea where it was coming from.

“It’s good”, he replied, hands in the pockets of his pants. The way he was stepping from heel to toe, looking like an absolute idiot, reminded you of the same circumstances many years ago, when Yugyeom, doing the same thing as of now, confessed his love to you in the park alley. A sunny day as the two of you were walking from school to your respective tutors, sweaty palms interwoven. Life was so much easier back then.

“I like it much more than my previous one”, Yugyeom continued, “the, uh, position is better”.

“And the money?”

He let out a breathy chuckle at your shameless comment. “Always the materialistic”. You huffed. “Yeah, the money’s better too. Can afford not having a bunch of roommates now”.

“Cool”. You responded with a small smile.

“What about your job?”

“There’s nothing about it”, you looked at him, “it’s boring. Drains the life out of you”.

Yugyeom rubbed the back of his neck. “I, uh, was surprised to find out you weren’t working… Somewhere as a writer”.

You snorted at his comment. “Yeah, it was out of the question since the publishing agency rejected me”.

“How many?”

“What?”

“How many publishers rejected you?”

Ouch. Yugyeom definitely knew what wound he should get bleeding again with the right pressure. He knew you too well, even after all these years, to realize that you didn’t pursue your dream with enough ferocity. Like you should have.

You were silent for a moment, but still uttered an answer, even though Yugyeom already knew what your next words were going to be. “One”.

He took a deep breath and let out a loud exhale. “Why didn’t you move onto the next agency?”

A hard question like this required a simple answer, but the reply was even more fucked up. Two years after your graduation you were working as a secretary at a publishing agency, had just gotten on a hook of a emotionally abusive relationship and, at last, your heart was actively aching from the breakup with Yugyeom himself. You never told him, but one of his last visits to Seoul, when the two of you spent the night together for the last time, was right the day before your meeting with your boss about the book you were going to present to him. Needless to say, the rejection and Yugyeom leaving again made you feel absolutely devastated. Being shaken to the core as it was too much for you to handle another criticism and rejection, you shut down the chase completely. You were not going make it as a writer, and you were the one person responsible for ruining that dream of yours.

But explaining all this to Yugyeom was a waste of time — or, as usual, you had projected that idea onto him yourself.

“I’m givin’ up easily”, you simply said, “you know that”.

Yugyeom shook his head, not really taking your answer as an absolute truth. Yes, you had a tendency to give up whenever it was getting too difficult, but this time he couldn’t believe it was that easy. “That’s not it. But”, he ran his hands through his locks, “it’s not my place to give you a lecture”, like I used to, he almost added.

“Like you used to?”

His eyes went wide for a moment as you pointed out the exact thought running through his head. “C’mon, Yugyeom”, your speech pursued, “it’s not like we can’t laugh while talking about… past”.

“We sure can”, he let out a chuckle, looking you up and down unwittingly. Nothing had drawn his attention, until… Until his eyes caught the glint of gold on your neck. A familiar stinging pang in his chest came back as if it had never left, making his steady heartbeat turned into erratic. Having his breath hitched somewhere in his lungs, Yugyeom cleared his throat and looked away for a moment to come back to his senses. It’s just a necklace, it doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t mean she also… No, it doesn’t make sense. It’s just an accessory, not… Not something important.

“Nice necklace, by the way”, he noticed.

You smiled and adjusted the chain on your neck. “Thanks. It’s a gift from an old friend”.

The inner skeptic Yugyeom had to deal with his entire life was baffled at that; a gift from an old friend? Alright then, maybe there’s a slight chance she also hoped for the two of you to get back together. He’ll see.

“What?”

Chan shrugged his shoulders and leaned back in his chair. “I think it’s a good idea”.

Jisung let out a deep sigh, putting his hands on his hips. He shook his head. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah”.

Han plopped on the couch oppositely him and rubbed his eyes. The last three months were a nightmare to him, starting with the accident and ending with Chan informing him about his supposed departure. “Why did I agree to manage him in the first place?”

“Didn’t you even consider to discuss it with me first? Before you made any decisions”.

Chan took a deep breath. “I don’t see the point”.

This… fucking guy. “Is it.. is it because of-“

Chris slammed his hand on the table as he jumped from his seat. “No!” He close his eyes for a moment to take a deep breath again. “No”, he continued in a more calm manner, “it’s not about that. My life doesn’t revolve around her, just so you know, Jisung”.

Huh? It’s not what it looked like for the past bajillion of years. “Then what is it?”

“An opportunity of professional growth, if you will”. Chan crossed his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. “Felix persuaded me to come and work with him”.

“Can’t he come here?”

“Han”, Chris stretched his arms and sat back on the chair, “I need this. Besides, I haven’t been in Melbourne for, like, forever. It’s my hometown, after all”.

Jisung let out a deep sigh. “I get it, Chan”. He pinched the bridge of his nose and, smacking his thighs with the palms of his hands, stood up. “I’ll walk the executives through it, but it’s highly likely they demand two comebacks a year, at the very least. Doesn’t matter where you live”.

Chan nodded. “I understand. Me and Felix will work on that”.

“And I’m comin’ with you”, Jisung added when he was already at the door, “don’t want another manager get this”, he pointed at Chan, “huge money machine to themselves”.

Chris laughed; Han was more than a manager — he was his friend. However, to admit to any soft feelings towards each other would be a straight violation of ‘tough male persona’ they both used around one another.

As Jisung left, Chan was alone again, his phone in his hands immediately. The past month went on as a never-ending festival, while Chan was wasting his money on partying and alcohol, just to avoid thinking about the elephant in the room. A new girl every night, him not remembering their faces, but only dreaming of her all the time. If he kept his eyes closed while kissing them, fucking them, falling asleep beside them, they all looked just like her. Never had Chan ever experienced something of the sort; none of his ex-girlfriends had left such a huge hole in his heart. No one but you.

It would be an understatement to say Chan jumped at the opportunity to leave the country. Felix had been his long-time friend from the early trainee years, before he left and went to university, and Felix came back to Melbourne. Not only would he see his friend, but he would escape this city, where, no matter how many people were living, in every face on every street he would see you. The city screamed your name through the wind, flowery scents and lattes with banana syrup that was served in every freaking coffee shop in every freaking corner of this ridiculously large city. Chan hated the mere reminder of you, but he always ended up clinging to that small recollection of every little thing about you.

Because suffering in silence while thinking of you was easier than apologizing. Chris couldn’t admit his fault, still; to him, you should’ve been the first one to say sorry. He had already done enough, dedicated so much of his time to you, just to love you in silence, to go through your endless toxic boyfriends, to calm you down after Yugyeom broke your heart, to listen to you constantly just for him to turn out to be the bad guy in the end? Nope. Chris was not going to come crawling back to you, begging you to forgive him and taking back every word he said, even though he desperately wanted to.

Not to mention that he couldn’t monitor your social media, ‘cause you blocked him. After all these years and the friendship the two of your shared, that’s what you did? Blocked him?

So, he took it personally and blocked you too. However, it didn’t stop him from collecting the crumbs of your from anywhere he could. And the best place to do so was Eunjoo’s account. That was what Chris was going to do now as well.

Eunjoo didn’t post much, let alone something truly personal. She’d have flowers, her dog, her family occasionally, you a couple of times — and that was it-

“Oh”, Chris almost gasped. From what he had collected about your best friend was that she wasn’t an active user of social platforms, but she had just posted something after almost six months of nothing.

The first picture was her and her cousin, Choi Youngjae, the radio host Chan had encountered multiple times; the second picture… He noticed you almost immediately.

“She got a haircut?” He mumbled, zooming in the photo. Yup, looked like you did; Chan almost moaned at the thought of running his hands through the strands of your hair. Had he not treated you as shitty as he did, perhaps, that’s what he would be doing at the moment.

And Chan would’ve locked his phone and continue his everlasting pining if he had not seen one thing, one person specifically. On the opposite side of the picture, separated by around seven people, was Yugyeom. He was there too. The two of you were in the same room, at the same party, around the same people, and probably talked to each other. And what’s worse, you were wearing that damn necklace.

In a swift moment Chan violently threw his phone at the nearest wall, which almost immediately ended up in him running to pick up the mobile from the floor. The screen was broken to pieces, but, somehow, the poor phone was still running. And through the dozens of cracks Chan was still looking at that photo, when you were smiling in the same picture with your ultimate ex, being happy without Chris. He didn’t really consider you weren’t truly happy, as well as it never went through his head that you were suffering just as much, no; the only thing that was banging in his head like an annoying beat was you and Yugyeom in the same room.

How fast did you move on, huh?

Taglist:

@heylookwhoitis @amaranth-writing @itstorimf @tenshimara @whyyougottadothatbro

Fic masterlist <3

[jamaisjoons]

what is your fav thing about joon?

how he’s super respectful and always wants to shake people’s hands even though they don’t always reciprocate, and how he refers to people as sir/maam

he once said ‘i like peace, my favourite bird is the pigeon’ but he’s an idiot and he meant dove

going off number 2, alternatingly, how he got pigeon and dove confused but calls fruitflies by their scientific name aka drosophila 

how he thinks about love inclusively, not just the romantic kind but the friendship and familiar kind too

how he released mono because he wanted to be a source of comfort for all his fans and give them a hug even if he cant physically do it

how he said ‘mono’ means monster no more, meaning he’s let go of all that pent up rage and anger and all the negativity he had while being a teenager and how he’s found peace within himself, and how he’s grown emotionally and mentally and no longer feels angry at the world

how to spoke openly about going to therapy and getting help when you need it

how he speaks softly a lot of the time, and when he pauses and its almost like you can see his brain working, see him thinking and he’s completely beautiful

how his voice is low, and deep, and silky smooth, and how when i hear it its that feeling of drinking hot chocolate on a chilly day, just something so comforting

how he prefers sunset to sunrise (just like me) but how he likes being out at dawn when everyone else is asleep (again like me)

how he wrote moonchild for the people who feel most happy at night, for those who felt like ‘they can’t breathe during the day’ and how he believes the night sets him free

how he enjoys just,, being, in nature - going on walks, taking bike rides with jimin down han river

how he looks when he has no make up on and his hair is falling in front of his eyes and he just looks so soft and adorable

how he likes using filters on his vlive, especially the really cute ones and how i will deadass fight that fan who told him to stop using them because on god he deserves happiness in the little things and if filters make him happy then you BET he should use them

how his entire face lights up when he’s happy, and the way it scrunches when he sees things that are cute

how he’s so big and yet so gentle with everything - the way he picks up crabs, and frogs, and any small creatures - but he handles them with utmost care because he knows his strength and he would never willingly hurt any living creature

how he likes ryan from kkt and has a bunch of merch but freely admits he prefers brown from line jfsjfjsjfjd and how he has a collection of both of those as well as K.A.W.S. like he’s really just an adorable little nerd

how sometimes when he laughs he buries his face into his hand or his shoulders, and how sometimes his eyes are wide and his mouth is open and you can see his tongue

how he dressed up like an astronaut for the 2018 MAMA performance and did his little move and then fell on the ground in the most cUTEST way possible - and then his legs were all stretched out but he stayed on the ground

how he can be hella petty - like when he admitted his sister pissed him off one day and before they were going to school, it was raining, and he took all the umbrellas in the house so she’d have to walk to school in the rain

how when he was younger his dream was to be a security guard because it shows just how sweet he is and how much he wants to protect people, and how he does it every day just by being him and encouraging people to continue on even if they’re struggling

how much he loves his mother

how he gets annoyed with rap mon for not remembering who he is even thought monie is named after him

how even though he’s not a major vocalist, his husky, low-toned voice sounds so beautiful and calming

how he sings in the shower but gets clowned for it

how when he gets excited he physically can’t contain himself and runs around with a little bounce and the happiest expression

alternatively, how sometimes he just bounces in place instead of running around

how frustrated he gets when people aren’t listening to him and he throws a soft tantrum

how quick his mind works and how unbelievably intelligent he is

how he’s big but his sneezes are soft and quiet, and his face scrunches up and then his entire head shakes

how sweet he looks when he’s sleeping, all nestled in the covers and his cheeks full

how he has a mole on his neck just below his jaw

how clumsy he is and how easily he breaks things as if he doesn’t know his own strength

how he takes care of the members as much as he can, but how he equally needs to be taken care of

how he is a hazard to himself and is so smart yet doesn’t know basic things like how to use a knife or to NOT touch boiling pasta

how he’s so big but if he curls up into himself he looks so small

the way his nose wrinkles when he’s confused

that stupid ahahAHAHAHA laugh he does

the fact that he grows bonsai and has named them - ‘cherry blossom baby’ ‘jjin jjin’ ‘cherry’ and ‘orihime’ who he calls ori as a nickname and that he also talks to them

how he said he will wear whatever - regardless of ‘gender’ stereotypes

how he’ll sit on the side and simply watch the rest of bangtan with the proudest, sappiest smile because he knows they’re happy and because they’re his entire happiness

how he does aegyo and then immediately gets shy afterwards

how gentle and delicate his features are, and yet so unbelievably handsome and sexy he is at the same time

how he’s the gentlest giant to ever exist

how he lets bangtan do whatever they want to him - like wipe cake onto his face, or squish his cheeks, and he accepts it all with the patience of a saint

how he gives love freely and loves freely but never asks for anything in return even though he deserves it and everything

how he has a sweet tooth, and eats spoonfuls of sugar, and how he believes that even when the world ends people who make cotton candy should continue existing

how humble he is, despite being in the biggest boy group in the world, but how he never fails to thank the staff, the people who work with them, their dancers, the stage crew, the directing crew or whatever

how he can’t take a compliment without getting incredibly shy

how he learned to love himself over the years

how he’s so willing to let people use him for them to learn to love themselves

how he made me fall in love with the world again, and it’s beauty, and reminded me that there is good in the world

how he is my source of strength and happiness

how his words and existence bring me comfort

how he saved my life

and a whole bunch of other reasons that i cannot remember because i’m crying

[trvelyans-archive]

i don’t even have anything to say actually. i was expecting to make a review post about tlou2 but there’s really nothing to say.

however i will repeat my past posts anyway because we all love suffering and dr uckmann likes making us suffer

things i liked:

dina !!! jesse !!! lev !!! yara !!! tommy before he was like That !!! jj !!!

exploration was fun besides seattle day 1 (bars) which was, personally, a huge slog on ellie’s behalf

rlly cool location design (aquarium, wlf stadium, jackson)

the rat king fight was actually super fun

LOVE LOVE LOVE the design for the building bridges with lev and abby it was one of the best parts of the game

i actually liked the abby ellie theatre fight (but i liked the david fight and feel like comparing ellie and david is a heretic comparison)

b o a t i n g

accessibility options !!! super cool !!!

the silenced gun you get in the resort chapter

all the collectible notes - that stuff is always rlly cool to me, i love it

the design for some of the buildings ! the cafes, the hotel w abby and lev, the salons, the bike shop, etc... all rlly cool and just. idk. dynamic and realistic

abby’s crossbow................ so incredibly sexy

how they showed off abby’s fear of heights... very cool !!! also several tims i went “you can do it abs” when trying to make her cross the bridge and then immediately didn’t like myself for it xx LKSJDFLK

rain sounds :) says my asmr-loving ass

good graphics !!! very pretty at times !!!

dina and jesse and lev and yara and tommy :) oh an alice ! a queen :’)

the flashbacks w ellie and joel !!! the museum flashback was very cool !!!

things i did not like

ellie’s seattle day 1, esp the open world area - i felt so disconnected and bored the whole time

ellie calling dina a burden.... i don’t think she would literally ever do that no matter how betrayed she felt by dina surprising her with the pregnancy thing

jesse getting shot in the face incredibly quickly and then not having him mentioned a single time after that ? ellie writes about him in her journal, like, once

playing as abby before jackson... felt very weird ??? idk why it just felt so so unnecessary 

tommy being very ooc ??? like ??? weirdly so ??? breaking up with maria 

killing dogs :) did not like that at all bc animal death is incredibly upsetting for me 

hey neil could you have put in more characters getting hanged or hung from posts ????? could you really ???

abby’s completely inconsistent writing

lev being deadnamed and misgendered SO MUCH - why couldn’t they call him apostate instead ??? 

the excessive and graphic violence, especially in the abby/ellie fight at the end and the boss fight with the scar at the end of haven - did not wanna watching abby stab that man in the face 3-4 times and having him spurt blood everywhere

giving yara such a shitty death where lev didn’t even get to say goodbye.......... even though he lost his mom like 30 minutes earlier............... wig

making marlene sympathetic in salt lake city and having abby’s dad coerce her into otherwise, which makes joel shooting her point blank in the head at the end of the first game even worse (especially bc he’s a white man and she’s a woc) because it’s obvious that she wasn’t entirely convinced and could have been swayed relatively easily

the abby and ellie fight. wig. it was so terrible watching these two incredibly weak and vulnerable women fight completely bloodied and soaked with water and grunting with pain/exertion the whole time. it’s like a 4 minute scene in which abby bites ellie’s fingers off and ellie sinks a knife into abby’s chest and then we watch abby’s face as ellie attempts to drown her. THAT above everything else in the game feels like murder

again, so many people getting hanged or being strung up, which makes me very very upset if that thing about neil druckmann liking horror bc he saw a video of a lynching once is true, can’t stop thinking about that post,

a homophobe yelling at ellie and dina for no reason........ couldn’t he have called ellie lazy or something like ????? they did not need to be called a slur ?????

maria forcing ellie to talk to the man who called her a slur for no reason and the man not even really apologizing for it (probably bc he didn’t want to lol....... but that’s just my opinion)

the scars and rattlers feeling unnecessary and shoe-horned in - again i don’t play a zombie game for the final bosses to all be human and so i can be told that “humans are the real bad guys” over and over again

HOW HAVE I NOT MENTIONED THE ABBY AND OWEN SEX SCENE ALREADY. H. HUH ???????? WHO WANTED THAT !!!!

neil druckmann wanted joel to say “sarah” when he died LMAO THAT MAKES ME WANNA DIE

once again getting the best gun in the game in the final 20 minutes for no reason ? i actually don’t understand why they do that

their respective seattle day 1/2/3 not being one after the other instead of all in a row, which made the story feel choppy and didn’t rlly flow smoothly - obvs we all knew where it was going, but having a back-and-forth would have been good for pacing because i completely forgot about ellie and the literal plot of the game after 1 day with abby

abby’s entire seattle day 1/2/3 having nothing to do with the main plot literally at all, her sudden liking of lev felt completely inconsistent to her character and everything about her

joel’s death being humiliatingly pathetic, for literally no reason

the abby/ellie theatre fight in which ellie is the bad guy and you play that fight the same way you play the fight with a cannibal rapist in the first game 

abby going after the man who killed her dad even tho everyone kills someone’s family member every day in this world to survive so why should joel specifically be demonized for that as if abby didn’t kill a single person who wasn’t an orphan and an only child

the guitar minigame was cool but like. i wanna know how much time they spent developing that bc it was not very necessary

obviously all the lying in the trailers

and like. a lot of other things i will probs remember and add to this list in the morning. anyway if i play this game again it will just be for abby’s seattle parts which are in no way related to or about the first game or first half of the second game in any way shape or form. OKAY NOW I’M DONE I PROMISE

[sailor-cresselia]

Zi-O 47: (ง •̀_•́)ง

THIS WILL BE FINE.

This episode contains spoilers for the end of Drive, and the liveblog contains me hard-core shipping Gou/Chase and Tsukasa/Daiki. Fair warning.

––––

It’s raining, in the power-plant area where we left off last time. Swartz ‘repeats’ his statement from then, that Sougo has three options.

He can save Tsukuyomi.

He can save himself.

Or… he can become Oma Zi-O.

Swartz is allowing Sougo to have the choice, for once… but not the time to make it.

Red light rises up in the distance, going up and up, a dark wall rising with it. People in the city are tossed to the sky as it pushes them out of the way. A group of monsters and robots appear.

Smash, Guardians, and the Skywall.

Sougo recognizes the Skywall – it may have been in another world, yes, but he… er, accidentally got shoved through the time tunnels wall into the World of Build. So he’s seen it before.

Build’s history was erased. World fusion aside, these shouldn’t be here at all.

The rain has stopped. Swartz can be heard speaking, telling Sougo to “fulfill his mission, as one who was born to be king.”

He laughs evilly, but is nowhere to be seen.

(continued under the cut!)

––––

Sougo’s confused, angry, and resigned expression fades to the book, and Woz’s Recap begins.

They’re fast approaching the future where Sougo becomes the Overlord.

The book does a super helpful job of showing us the deaths of Miharu, Heure, and Ora. Because of course it does.

According to Woz, and his ‘Oma Advent Calendar’… there are three pages left until the end of the world.

Because of the difference in sentence structure, ‘three pages’ is the last part of the sentence. When he says that, Woz looks directly at the viewer.

––––

Geiz holds his phone, which is ringing and not connecting. He’s trying to call Sougo, who none of them have been able to reach. Woz is sure he’s fine, he’s his overlord, after all – but he doesn’t sound so sure.

Junichiro comes out from the kitchen, having made a huge meal for the three. Turns out that Geiz, Tsukuyomi, and Woz have been looking for Sougo all night.

Tsukuyomi mentions that he must be the most worried for Sougo out of all of them.

But he says that’s not it, he’s not worried at all, Sougo’s fine! He’s probably just stuck on the other side of that wall that appeared, and can’t get home.

Geiz offhandedly asks where Junichiro got all these blocks of tofu – the entire meal is made up of the stuff.

The reply? “Well, in the olden days, they say there was so much tofu you could build a wall out of it. So, we can break these walls down by eating them!”

I feel like there’s a cultural saying in here that I’m missing, but it’s a really sweet sentiment on his part, so I don’t even care.

That’s when Sougo walks in, making a beeline for the watch holder. He knew something had happened.

The Build watch is grey, the image cracked.

He knew something had to have happened with regards to Build – he saw that strange wall when he met him in 2017.

Woz tells them that it’s called the Skywall, that it was from Build’s history, accompanied by footage from episode one – of Build and Ryuuga riding that absurd bike along the top of the wall. But with the ‘work’ his overlord has done, that history shouldn’t exist.

Sougo turns, taking Tsukuyomi by the wrist, and starts pulling her out into the lobby. Everyone’s telling him to stop, Woz asking if Swartz had contacted him, and Tsukuyomi saying that Sougo has been the one Swartz is after the whole time.

Sougo knows that, now. He should have realized sooner, should have realized that Swartz has been watching him his entire life. Which is exactly why, as Geiz points out, he shouldn’t be going anywhere!

Sougo ignores that, asking Tsukuyomi to come with him – asking ‘Alpina’ to come with him.

Much to her surprise – she only just learned that was her pre-amnesia name a few days ago, so how could he know it?

Because Miharu is dead. Because Miharu’s dying wish was for him to take her to the future. But he might not be able to grant it. He takes her arm again, and they leave the shop.

Back in the kitchen, Junichiro looks at the watch tower, frowning. The camera turns to the holder, and focuses on the Build watch.

––––

In a damaged street, Smash and Guardians are rampaging. Geiz shows up to herd people out of there, and engages the Smash. One of the Guardians gets tossed to the ground in front of him.

Geiz: “Woz, why are you even here?!”

Woz: “Well, why are you here?”

Geiz: “…Eh, killing some time before Zi-O turns back up.”

Woz: “Mind if I keep you company?”

They stand back to back, upgrading into Revive Fury and Ginga Finaly respectively, and get to work.

––––

Sougo and Tsukuyomi approach a certain stoic photographer.

She’d like Tsukasa to take them to ‘that place’ again, to where she used to live. She can’t get there on her own.

The Time Mazins don’t allow for travel to different time axis, after all.

Sougo brings up that they may be different timelines, but they’re not entirely separate, either. They’re very closely tied together, arne’t they?

Tsukasa agrees.

That’s when Sougo makes the internal reveal, that Swartz told him that he’ll have to choose between his own time, or Tsukuyomi’s.

Going by her shocked expression, he hadn’t told her this before.

Tsukasa pulls his ‘voice of experience’ card, saying that they might learn things they didn’t really want to learn.

Tsukuyomi says they have no choice.

Sougo needs to know. He’s not making a choice without all the information – not this time. He’s had it with being uninformed.

This is too important for them to go into without knowing everything that they can.

...Fine then. Tsukasa’s willing to take them along, but he’s got two warnings. First, they might not actually have a choice. Second…

There’s no bananas allowed on this little field trip.

Uh. What?

––––

Geiz and Woz launch a double-finisher; Ginga Finaly’s gravity attack holding the mooks in place for Revive Fury’s slash. As they explode… everything… slows… down…

The riders manage to turn around, and yup, sure enough, there’s a trio of unevolved Roidmudes.

The Drive Ridewatch glows briefly, and the color shatters away.

Switching to Revive Gale and Ginga Planet, the fight starts back up as Swartz strolls in. They can fight all they want, but there’s not going to be any end. Not now that the world is already ending, now that the only thing that can change this is the choice Sougo makes.

He strolls back out, leaving Geiz to question just what the hell Swartz is making Sougo do.

––––

2058, the home Tsukuyomi grew up in.

Sougo and Tsukuyomi find tiny Alpina’s room – and she immediately tries to go on the ‘offensive’ when she sees them, same as last time anyone came here. She flings her hand out to pause them, but they dodge. Frowning her little baby frown, she asks who they are.

Tsukuyomi tries to calm her, saying that they’re not trying to ‘intervene.’ She’s her, from eleven years from now, but she doesn’t have her memories, and they just want to know some things. Sougo asks if Alpina can tell them what will happen to this world.

A young man in black appears, as he will always be so good at doing. He’ll tell them.

Tsukuyomi immediately tries to go on the offensive, pulling out her Faiz Phone X and aiming it at Small Swartz, but he’s not intimidated.

He tells them that this world is going to disappear soon, but he’s going to save it.

He’s going to save it by destroying all of the other worlds, each and every one of them.

The last line is heard from outside – Swartz and Alpina in view in one window as he says it, and then we see Sougo and Tsukuyomi in another after.

(Tsukasa is probably watching from outside, frustrated. That’s not how that works! That’s not how any of that works! He would know!)

––––

2019.

Woz and Geiz are still fighting against the roidmudes, when the ground starts to shake. Fuuto and Yggdrasil Towers emerge into the wrong city. A group of Elementary Inves and Masquerade mooks appear shortly after.

––––

The Double and Gaim watches lose their power.

Junichiro peers out from the functional area of the kitchen, a look of concern on his face.

He knows more of what’s going on than he’s let slip. I just know it.

––––

Armored footsteps make their way between mooks. A figure in black and purple armor comes forward.

Mashin Chaser says that he will defeat the Kamen Riders.

Geiz, given the events of the past few days, naturally assumes that they’re up against another Dark Rider.

Don’t group him with the Kamen Riders. He’s a grim reaper, and he will surpass the riders.

To which I, a Drive fan, have a general reaction of NOPE NO NUH-UH I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS!!

Mashin Chaser clenches a fist, and along with the mooks, restart the fight against Geiz and Woz.

––––

2058.

Back at Tsukuyomi’s childhood home, we hear more exposition. Child Swartz says that there are many worlds ‘within’ this one, and that it’s unreasonable for only this one to fall. So he-

HE IS NOT CHILD SWARTZ.

HE IS ADULT SWARTZ.

He’s willing to destroy all of the other worlds. If he does that, then this world will survive.

(Tsukasa voice in the distance: Cool motive, still murder, and that isn’t actually going to work.)

Also, of course he could make himself look like his child self. He’s Another Decade. What’s the main part of the Kamen Rider Decade power set, as given by the belt?

Taking on different appearances.

Tsukuyomi says this is absurd, how can he think he’d get away with that?

He smirks, calling her out. She’s going on about morals, and yet she’s pointing a gun at a child?

WAIT WHAT

Yup, he’s Child Swartz again – still, actually. Sougo figures that he’s probably using his powers to create illusions.

Sure. Let’s go with that.

He has one more question for Swartz, though. How will he destroy the worlds?

It’s simple, really. He’s going to merge them all into one. Each world has it’s own Kamen Riders. If he can consolidate the riders, than the worlds will become one, as well. Then, he only has to annihilate that one world.

(Tsukasa voice in the distance: Merge the worl- I already did that! It didn’t go well! And hell, I’m pretty sure it’s been a single world since I was active! If you’re going to be ‘Another Me’, do your damned research!)

Tsukuyomi asks if that’s why he had Sougo do all of this – why he had him collect the powers together.

Swartz, being Swartz, doesn’t care about anyone elses opinions. As he walks off, Sougo has another question. What will he do when his sister becomes more powerful than him? If she’s stronger, than she could be a great help.

That makes him furious. Her? Become stronger than he is? That’s ridiculous! (He shifts to his adult appearance.) If that were to happen, he��d take her memories and banish her. Only the strong should be king – only he should be king!

He lashes out, hitting Sougo and Tsukuyomi with a blast of energy.

––––

2019.

TUNE: CHASER COBRA!

A single attack from Mashin Chaser takes out all of the mooks, and knocks Geiz and Woz out of their transformations. He drops his own, and ohhh my Drive fangirl heart is breaking. It really is Chase, it’s him, he’s here and oh god this is going to be HeiGen Final all over again isn’t it.

Chase tells them he’s a Roidmude, a mechanical lifeform created by Krim Steinbelt. Geiz and Woz both recognize that name, saying it means he’s a friend of Drive.

Geiz asks if he knows Shijima Gou, Kamen Rider Mach.

SO I GUESS OVER QUARTZER IS CANON.

THIS IS FINE.

NOT LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD HAS TO WAIT UNTIL JANUARY TO SEE IT OR ANYTHING.

Chase, in his always stoic manner, says he’s never heard that name. That in his world, there are no Kamen Riders. He rushes in to punch Geiz.

Geiz manages to catch his hand, though, saying that Chase is being inconsistent. Why is he attacking them, then?

As Chase growls out that it’s because they’re Kamen Riders, he pushes forward, knocking Geiz to the ground.

Geiz picks himself up. “If we’re not supposed to exist, then why are we your enemies?! Even if history changes, you know who you are! That you’re a Kamen Rider, and that you know Shijima Gou!”

Chase hesitates. “Shijima… Gou…”

(Toei, don’t do this to me, don’t-)

Chase holds his head in pain, as he remembers.

An underground parking garage, in mid 2015. Chase, pushing away from the wall he’d been thrown into. Entering his by-then retired Mashin Chaser form to stop Tenjuro Banno from bringing an axe down onto the prone, untransformed Gou. Gou holding Chase in his arms, being given the drivers license and signal bike that Chase had gotten while they worked together. Chase running, sparking, and using the explosion of his death to take Banno out.

Gou screams his name.

Chase cries out in pain, falling forward. Woz comments that the distoritions in space and time must be growing, and he and Geiz take off.

They leave Chase behind, on his hands and knees, all but screaming.

They also leave me, an avid shipper of Gou and Chase, all but crying.

––––

2058.

Child Swartz corners the running Sougo and Tsukuyomi, saying that he can’t forgive her defying him.

She points the Faiz Phone X at him, and when Sougo tells her that she can’t, she says… She says that he’s going to destroy the world. That they can save so many lives if… if they just kill him now.

The same things Geiz once said about Sougo.

She keeps the gun outstretched, her hand trembling, for a moment, before she loses her nerve.

Child Swartz says that he knew she was his little sister, however… as he shifts to his adult appearance, continuing to raise the question of is this Swartz an adult or a kid, he says that anyone who stands in his way will die, and fires another blast of purple energy directly at her-

Only for Tsukasa to jump in, and take the hit, glaring at Swartz from behind the flames before he is finally knocked down.

Swartz calls him a useless hindrance – as a dimensional wall opens.

Daiki emerges, shooting at Swartz with his Diendriver. Swartz takes off, and Daiki looks in the direction of the other three.

Sougo and Tsukuyomi run up to the fallen Tsukasa. She asks why he would do that.

It’s a struggle to say anything, but he manages to answer, holding onto her arm to look at her. Weakly, in pain, Tsukasa tells Tsukuyomi that they can’t afford to lose her.

His grip fails, he falls back to the ground, and stops moving.

––––

2019.

Geiz and Woz find themselves in a back alley, finally getting a moment to breath. Geiz comments that their enemy isn’t from an Another World this time. Woz says he’s from a world without Riders at all – that when Sougo and Geiz were gathering the watches, they were removing the original riders, and thus the opponents they fought were now undefeated… and now they’re all here. Just in time for the watches to start breaking.

Geiz wonders why they’re breaking in the first place, why now, and then theres the skywall and those towers…

Woz posits that it’s likely tied to the time-space disturbances. Geiz points out that would put Sougo right at the center of it all, along with Tsukuyomi.

Woz thinks he might understand his overlords intentions, now.

Aaaand that is a whole lot of monsters up in the sky, including a very familiar looking purple manta ray and a long, black dragon.

Guess the Ryuki watch is done for.

––––

2058.

Tsukuyomi wishes she knew why Tsukasa gave his life to save her.

Daiki walks up, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, saying that they’ll just have to ask him, now won’t they?

Sougo looks appalled. How could they?! He’s dead.

Sougo. Sougo, Sougo, Sougo.

What did you do immediately before using Zi-O II for the first time?

You rewound time, reversing Geiz’s death.

What treasure did Daiki take last time we saw him?

The Zi-O II Another Watch.

“I didn’t want to use my treasure like this, buuut…” Daiki pushes the switch, and time reverses over Tsukasa, undoing all the damage and dying, leaving him lying there, unharmed.

The first thing Tsukasa does when he opens his eyes? Looks over at Daiki, just saying his last name.

“Hey, Tsukasa. You just died. Are you able to eat sea cucumber now?”

FFS DAIKI THIS IS NO TIME TO FLIRT!

Also, please note that while at first, both Tsukuyomi and Sougo are watching Tsukasa as he gets up, Sougo looks aside at Daiki at that last line. I don’t know if Sougo sees that as the flirting it definitely is, but he definitely knows it is NOT the time for that. He is giving Daiki the most ‘wtf’ expression I have seen on this dumb kitties face in a long time.

Tsukasa asks if Daiki turned back time, and is probably wondering just how much trouble they’re going to get from the den-liner team for this.

He did just save your life, but this treasure, uh, has a bit of a side effect… a very painful case of ‘mad with power’.

Like, Daiki is telling them this as he’s in pain, right before losing the fight to not become Another Zi-O. But now he’s got one last treasure to take… Tsukasa’s life.

Daiki, you’ve used that line before, too! Calling Tsukasa your treasure, saying that he’s yours ‘to defeat,’ you did both of those in your own finale! And, I really feel like I need to repeat myself here. THIS IS NO TIME TO FLIRT!

I have never been more pissed that this time axis is so damned washed out than I am right now. Why?

Tsukasa just got Sougo to hand over his watch. His watch.

Kamen Ride! Decade!

He looks red, because everything is so dim here, but Kamen Rider Decade engages Another Zi-O II in combat… as Decade’s fight music starts up.

––––

2019.

A dimensional wall opens, Sougo and Tsukuyomi running through first, Tsukasa getting thrown through, and Daiki following shortly after.

Daiki’s kinda pissed. Didn’t Tsukasa get his power as a Kamen Rider taken away recently?!

He did. But waaaay back in December, he stored half of his power in a certain Ridewatch, that he gave to Geiz in lieu of the Future Ghost watch he depowered.

Yeah, Daiki’ll admit he’s impressed, and turned on, but only half of Decade’s power isn’t going to be enough to defeat him.

Tsukasa’s definitely smirking under that helmet, saying he’ll be fine.

Another Riders can only be defeated by their respective Rider. Decades power is turning into other Kamen Riders.

Tsukasa pulls out a new card.

KamenRide! Zi-O!

Sougo has no idea what’s going on – where did he get that?! HOW did he get that?!

(I want to meet AR!Sougo so bad. I just really need to see what, in all the worlds, ‘World of Zi-O’ could possibly have been.)

So, Sougo may or may not have the gist of what’s going on, but whether he does or not, he pulls out the Grand watch. It’s a nice shortened version of the transformation – it includes all the transformation calls for phase one, stopping with Decade, but has the full backdrop summon with the statues and door. Tsukuyomi runs out of the way as they start coming out of the ground, which is a nice touch. They skip the full mini-figure sequence, thankfully. (We don’t need another Decade Complete transformation up in here!) But he finishes pretty quickly, and goes off to fight Daiki as well.

All three are in the open, now. Sougo pulls out Kiva’s sword for a few slashes, before giving up on that and tossing it to dissolve away. (Oh, look, the Skywall’s in the background.) Then he pulls out Fourze’s sword – the one from COSMIC STATES, because there’s no kill like overkill. (Oh, look, there’s Fuuto Tower.) Tsukasa had been swapping in and out of the fight, but at this point, he just gets out of the way. Sougo lands a few blows with that, tosses it aside, and pulls out Drive’s Formula Cannon. (Hey, Yggdrasil tower! Nice to see you!) A single shot from the cannon – which has been known to blow sizable chunks off of buildings – is what knocks Daiki out of being Another Zi-O II.

Finally, finally, that stupid watch is destroyed.

Daiki’s sulking over losing his treasure.

Tsukasa drops from being Zi-O!Decade to being just regular Decade. “Oh, man, Daiki, you’re just always asking for trouble, aren’t you? Come on.” He reaches a hand down, to help pick Daiki up.

Daiki ignores it, pushing himself to his feet, because he is one of the most tsun-tsun of all tsunderes in Kamen Rider stubborn. He thinks Tsukasa owes him a little gratitude. To be fair, he’s not wrong.

But before Tsukasa can say anything, Sougo stiffens. He drops to his knees as his transformation cancels itself, the Grand watch dissolving into lights.

Sounds of monsters come from behind them.

From one set of stairs, theres a shot from the preview, of the Orion Zodiarts and the Shika Inves (Deer Inves) with a group of mooks. From another set of stairs, the Violence Dopant and the Bison Yummy emerge with another group.

There’s a plethora of those dragonfly-esque Mirror Monsters from Ryuki in the sky, with other Mirror monsters and such flying around as well, giant Makamou crabs and some creepy spiders crawling up the buildings…

Just monsters. Monsters, everywhere.

Tsukasa, still in his Decade armor, says that he gets the gist of it.

Sougo gets it, too. It really is the end of the world.

Except that’s not the summary Tsukasa’s giving. No. He’s going… to destroy this world.

Tsukuyomi looks over, shocked. Hadn’t he been trying to find a way around that?

Daiki looks over, stunned. They – him, Yusuke, and Natsumi – had to kill Tsukasa last time he went ‘destroyer of worlds’ in order to get him to stop.

Sougo looks over, confused and a little angry.

The bars of the Decade watch close down on him for the endscreen.

(Lower left is the Another Zi-O II watch, upper left is Zi-O, and center is Decade)

––––

The preview opens with Trinity versus Oma Zi-O, with Oma saying something about ‘the power to destroy space and time.’

Next shot is the main crew and Tsukasa in the shop, and everyone is glaring at him.

Then Decade and Diend, side by side.

Zi-O – in front of a startled Junichiro, immediately followed by an over the shoulder shot of Sougo in front of his uncle, from Sougo’s perspective… with the sound clip “I’m… a Kamen Rider…”

Woz Ginga busting up some mooks, and Mashin Chaser punching Another Decade, with Chase saying “To me… friends are…” And that’s his softer Chase voice, not the tones he used while with the Roidmudes, the ones he used while he was Kamen Rider Chaser.

Future Soldier Geiz with a machine gun that he’s firing upward, into the camera, followed by Future Soldier Tsukuyomi holding what appears to be a glowing RideWatch. Geiz is saying that ‘she will save the world.’

Sougo in the cockpit of a Time Mazine, with the audio of him saying ‘The last time travel.’

Trinity charging Oma Zi-O, with the audio of Junichiro saying ‘Be safe.’

––––

Hey, what was it Oma said to Sougo? That “you could never defeat me”? Maybe not as a singular you… in the original timeline, Sougo became Oma Zi-O on Oma’s Day… but in the show, that wound up being the day they got Trinity. >:3

Also…

Hey, Toei, I was kidding with this post, you do know that, right?!

(Gaim, that was almost a full year ago that I made that joke, and look where we are now! They got Gou and Chase, but not Shinnosuke!)

[zephfair]

Cloud ficlet, Gen, Humor

Based on this post by @silver-elite-official with a wonderful addition by @ardwynna I had this stupid idea for a little crack/fluff/humor fic. Many thanks to the wonderful @pttucker for all the encouragement! Thank you!

Poor Cloud; his life is hard.

Gen fic, no pairings, no warnings needed, I think?

Cloud doesn’t think anything of it at first.

His luck has—if he’s honest with himself—always kind of sucked, so when annoying little things start happening around him, he figures it’s just life.

Only they keep happening more often. Little things that are really irritating but usually easy to explain away.

The scratch along the entire side of his motorcycle, right through the clear coat and into the paint. He questions the kids quietly and calmly but they disavow any knowledge of what could have happened.

Cloud shrugs and writes it off as the neighborhood kids or some drunken neighbor. Even when it happens the next week on the other side and he fumes as he has to buff and repaint it as well.

Then there’s the unexplained flat tire one morning when he has an important delivery. After he borrows a vehicle and makes it back to Edge the next day—tired, cranky and thoroughly disgruntled with trucks that still manage to make him vaguely carsick—he busts a lug nut getting the wheel off. He drags it to a tire shop, only there’s nothing in it: no cut, no glass, no sharp edge to explain why the tire has gone flat.

So there’s no reason why it does it again. Or why the new tire he finally breaks down and buys suddenly is flat the very next day.

“Never saw nothin’ like it, mister,” the tire shop owner so helpfully tells him and fills it up again as Cloud grinds his teeth.

Then there’s the morning he picks up his leather sleeve and it’s cut through, a long gouge that was obviously made by something sharp.

He doesn’t have time to fume before he has to be on the road, but he sits the kids down that night with Tifa and delivers a very stilted and confusing talk about the importance of respecting people’s possessions and not damaging things that belong to others, careful not to assign blame or accuse.

As he flees the room embarrassed by his rare attempt at responsibility, he hears Marlene ask Tifa, “Is there something wrong with Cloud? Did he do something to your stuff?” and he knows that he’s on the wrong track.

The next day, his boot laces are knotted together and the strap breaks on his goggles as he’s putting them on and it stings the back of his head.

“Oh come on,” he mutters and revs the engine much harder than necessary.

Cloud’s toothbrush is always disturbingly wet, no matter how long it’s been since since he brushed, and his bath towel is never dry. His bottle of shampoo seems to empty overnight. He knows he didn’t drop the toothpaste with the lid off where he would so conveniently step on it and squirt it out all over the floor.

One morning he wakes up to scissors on his nightstand and what looks like bits of hair on his pillow. He panics and starts to worry that maybe he’s sleepwalking and somehow doing this all himself, but that ends when he’s in the shower and the toilet flushes. He’s doused in alternately icy then steaming water and he shrieks as he tears open the shower curtain to discover the culprit.

Only there’s no one there.

At least he stops worrying whether he’s somehow doing it to himself.

As his frustration and Tifa’s confusion grow, the incidents happen more frequently. When he lies down to sleep, his bedroom light turns on. If he wants his window open, it slides shut.

Only his super reflexes save him the night he slides on a skateboard left in the dark at the top of the stairs and he catches himself before he can take a tumble down the steps. He narrows his eyes and looks around and wonders if it’s true that it’s not paranoia if someone actually is out to get you.

It’s only when Tifa actually raises her voice at the kids for leaving the refrigerator open—again—and letting the milk out on the counter to spoil—again—that Cloud suspects there’s something weird going on. There’s no way the kids could be doing all this bothersome stuff, not with the way they are loudly arguing that they haven’t ever done it, and Denzel is lactose intolerant besides.

Tifa doesn’t mention it at first, but when Cloud’s trying to relax one evening at the bar and the overhead lights go out, she slaps down her rag and admits that it’s been happening several times every night.

When Cloud is there, the jukebox takes on a life of its own. The customers laugh when that one really obnoxious song starts playing again and they all swear they didn’t pick it, but when it plays again, and again, and again, they all breath a sigh of relief when it switches to another. But the annoying one comes back on again and Tifa swears under her breath as she scrambles for the plug.

Then Rude and Reno stop by for a drink one night and Tifa herds Cloud into the bar to keep them company, and Rude makes a face when he takes a sip of his beer.

“That’s not what I ordered,” he mutters and waves for another.

“You’re too snobby,” Reno tells him and happily steals the mug. “Whoa, that’s not beer!”

“That’s what I said,” Rude says as Reno chugs quickly.

“Yo, Tifa, I don’t know what you did to the drinks, but thanks!” Reno tries his own and smacks his lips. “I wanted rum and soda but this is just fine. Is it a new mixed drink? I think vodka and maybe tequila?”

“What?” Tifa drops Rude’s new mug onto the table and snatches Reno’s glass as he tries to cling to it. She sniffs at it then takes a tentative taste. “Oh no, what’s going on?”

She closes the bar temporarily while they check her bottles to find that many of the liquors and spirits were poured into different bottles while others were watered down or emptied. The taps had been switched as well, and as she set to work trying to swap them back, Reno says, “Hey, get me another mystery drink first. That was pretty good.”

Now that Tifa believes something is wrong, she is convinced that someone broke in to the bar, even though nothing is missing. She argues with Cloud about getting some kind of security alarm, and Cloud is still too weirded out about the situation to admit that he’s never seen a culprit for the pranks or whatever it is he’s been going through.

He tries to research what could be happening to them and wonders who would know what the hell’s going on. Should he could ask Vincent if he’s ever experienced something like this or seen anything like it before? Or should he just find a priest and beg for an exorcism? The word poltergeist comes up in a search, but whatever it is, it seems to be focusing on him.

Cloud thinks for just a moment—one hopeful moment—that it was all some kind of … message from the Great Beyond. That maybe Aerith was trying to get his attention from the Lifestream, but then he’d shut that down because if she wanted him, she’d shown before that she would get him.

And while Zack would probably definitely enjoy messing with him, he didn’t think Zack would ever be mean about it.

No, this definitely feels more nefarious, especially since he could be injured when his bike breaks down and he has to watch every step he takes in the house to prevent injury. He is sleep-deprived, he is exasperated, he is frustrated and he is ready to fight.  

It’s suddenly an eerily familiar feeling, and he wonders if… maybe there’s a way he can find out for sure, without anyone else thinking he’s crazy.

So he heads out to the church, the one place he feels like he can just relax and be still. He sits down among what’s left of the flowers, closes his eyes and breathes in deeply.

There’s a creak from behind him then a pew tips over and lands on its side beside him. It feels like something brushes his upturned face.

“You missed,” Cloud says smugly.

A lily uproots and slaps him in the face, getting pollen in his eyes. Cloud sneezes then pulls away and brushes it off.

“Is that really all the better you can do? I thought you were so amazing,” he taunts, no longer feeling strange about talking aloud because it’s obvious he’s really not alone.

“If you’re still so great, then here I am. Come and do your worst.” Cloud opens his arms and waits, but there is nothing. Not even a waft of displaced air, but he suddenly feels lighter and that prickly feeling in the back of his neck hair vanishes.

He goes home and everything is back to normal.

Until two months later when Marlene and Denzel run into the kitchen with shouts and yells of “Can we keep it, you have to let us keep it, we’ll take care of it, we promise.”

Tifa dries her hands on a towel and leans down while Cloud is curious enough to look up from his paperwork. Denzel carefully unfolds his shirt tail to reveal a tiny furball with a pink nose, teeny whiskers and a mix of silver/white/gray fur that is drenched from the rain.

The world’s tiniest mew comes out and all of them are immediately in love.

After drying and warming and milk and broth, then Tifa’s lecture on responsible pet ownership, the kids are thrilled they can keep the kitten. Marlene promptly christens it Fluffy Princess Silver Sparkle until Tifa checks and informs them it’s a Prince instead. Marlene is perfectly happy with Fluffy Prince Silver Sparkle although Cloud has to hold in a laugh at Denzel’s forlorn expression as he tries out that name.

The kitten explores the kitchen on wobbly legs, and Cloud gets back to his work until he feels a nudge at his foot. The fluff ball of silver-tipped white—or was it silver fur with white tips?—purrs like a miniature Fenrir and Cloud murmurs at it.

In response, the kitten digs in needle-sharp claws and tries to climb up his pants’ leg. Cloud yelps and instinctively reaches to grab the kitten and stop the pain, but Marlene runs toward him. “No Cloud, he just wants up on your lap!”

So Cloud bites his tongue as the kitten victoriously finishes the ascent to his lap with a joyful clap and grin from Marlene. It celebrates by turning around in his lap then settling down to knead at his thigh, perilously close to where it would hurt even more. But Cloud doesn’t say anything as the kitten meows and yawns, putting all those razor-sharp teeth on show, and falls asleep on him, just when he needs to get up.

Cloud shifts and Marlene grabs his arm. “You have to stay still, Cloud. Fluffy Prince Silver Sparkle needs to rest.”

“But I have to—”

“Cloud, sit,” Marlene commands and when she crosses her arms over her chest and glares like that, she bears an overwhelming resemblance to her father, and so Cloud has to grit his teeth and bear it.

And if his fingers sneak down to pet the thick ruff of neck fur, no one says anything. But the kitten does wake up and bite him.

The next morning, Cloud wakes to kitten butt fur in his mouth.

The kitten sheds over everything Cloud owns to the point where he wonders if it has a skin disorder, but it just seems to make more hair. It’s worse when Marlene explains in her most authoritative voice that it wouldn’t be so bad if he’d actually wear a different color than black.

The kitten favors his leathers for sharpening those needle-like claws. No matter how secure his room is, the kitten gets in and sits on his face, bites his toes, nibbles his ears and chews on his hair.

The puddle in his boot is only an accident, Prince always uses the litter box, Denzel earnestly explains as he brings Cloud a fresh pair of socks.

“I’m going to put a bell on you, I swear,” Cloud mutters when the kitten twines around his ankles. It’s always when Cloud is on the stairs or just entering a room and unprepared for the attack.

The kids just tell him “He loves you Cloud! He’s marking you with his scent!” but Cloud and the cat meet gazes and Cloud wonders if this is what insanity feels like.

“That damn cat,” he mutters six to eight times a day but always under his breath because to do it when they could hear would be to face Marlene’s disappointed face, Denzel’s big eyes and Tifa’s eye rolls.

Isn’t until the early morning of a delivery run when things come to a head. Cloud creeps through the house so not to wake the others and makes himself a huge travel mug of coffee. He slumps against the counter, waiting on toast, when he hears a strange noise, and sees Fluffy Prince Silver Sparkle climb up on the counter.

The kitten’s long fur has a few small mats in places, Cloud can see, but he would allow no one but Marlene to brush him, and then never his belly. Cloud wouldn’t have tried it for anything. He valued his life and preferred his blood on the inside since he knew all too well that the kitten had perfected the art of death by tiny claws.

Now the kitten sits on the counter next to his mug with no lid, its bright green eyes unblinking and meeting Cloud’s.

Cloud shifts as he notices just how very bright those eyes suddenly look. Sure, they were green but didn’t most cat’s eyes change color at a certain age? Maybe they just looked glowing from the dim kitchen light?

Then the fuzzy paw reaches out and pushes at his mug.

“No,” Cloud says in a calm voice of authority and takes a step closer.

The cat reaches out again. Cloud stops and the paw retracts.

“You have got to be kidding me,” he breathes out.

The cat hasn’t taken its brilliant green eyes off him, hasn’t even blinked.

Cloud thinks, what is his life, how is he in a standoff with a cat, when the cat raises an eyebrow and bats the mug off the counter to splash coffee all over the floor.

Cloud’s “You have got to be kidding me” shout wakes the whole house.

Cloud is still raging and muttering the words “cut your balls off myself” when Tifa hurries into the kitchen.

“Isn’t that cat old enough to be fixed?” Cloud demands as he tries to wipe coffee off the cupboards.

Tifa looks from him to the cat primly grooming its paw on the counter and says, “Now that you mention it, probably. I’ll call the vet and find out.”

Cloud knows he shouldn’t feel such pride but he does, and he has to resist the urge to stick out his tongue at the cat as he leaves.

Only Fluffy Prince Silver Sparkle disappears the night before his appointment with the vet. Marlene is inconsolable, Denzel is bewildered and Tifa shoots glances at Cloud when she thinks he can’t see. He hums a little as he gets ready for the best night’s sleep he’s had in ages.

When the cat reappears a week later, Cloud corners it in the pantry alone for another confrontation, but Fluffy Prince Silver Sparkle only rubs against his ankles and bumps its butt into his shin. Cloud picks it up, at great risk to his major arteries and skin, but the cat only hangs limp and purrs, trying to rub against his wrist to make him pet it.

Tifa walks in when Cloud is holding the cat up to try and stare into its eyes, but she backs right back out.

“It’s just a cat,” Cloud announces, plopping it down on the floor next to its bowl.

“Well, yes,” Tifa says as the cat daintily laps at the water.

“It’s safe now,” he tries to explain.

“Okay,” Tifa says slowly. “Only he’d had all his shots before.”

“No, I mean, it’s just a cat now,” and at Tifa’s concerned and confused look, Cloud gives up.

“I’ll have to reschedule the neutering appointment,” she says.

Cloud glances down at the cat again, but it is sitting, licking a paw and passing it over its face. “I don’t think that will be any problem.”

And so Cloud was delivered from the wrath of Sephiroth again, and while he never shared the whole story with Tifa, he knew she was relieved when he stopped yelling at random occurrences in the house and started sleeping without fear.

Until Denzel and Marlene ran in one evening carrying a tiny dog with big pointed ears that trembled and snarled every time Cloud got near.

That was it. He was moving to Kalm.

The end

[ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse]

Hey for the ask thing, all the questions you're comfortable with answering

oh boy!!! heck yeah fun shit thanks my dude! little did u Kno…… I LOVE oversharing !!! lmao muahahahahaha i’m probably gonna answer all of them thank u for enabling it lmfao

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

yah on Rly Bad days

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

like… 3.5? i like the dark but,,, ‘m Scare,,,,,

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Orange Turnip

4. What is your favorite word?

it changes tbh,, hm but i can’t think of any rn!

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

i’d be….. a nice oak! thicc and full of secrets

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didn’t lmao reflection what’s that

7. What shirt are you wearing?

i’m wearing the dress i wore to work

8. What do you label yourself as?

annoying or boring lmao but also the Goblin King and that is Good

9. Bright room or dark room?

i still don’t know if this is referring to like paint shade or like the amount of light it gets or like if i sleep in a bright room or dark room so like??? *shrug emoji*

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

i was?? drawing i think

12. Who told you they loved you last?

i think it was @wrenn-frug​ 💕💖 lov u fren!

13. Your worst enemy?

dunno man probably myself but that sounds cliche so like??? the sun bc it always burns me

14. What is your current desktop picture?

a screenshot from song of the sea!!! lOVE that movie!!!! i’d post it but like?? i don’t think i have it saved anymore or if i do i don’t feel like looking but it’s that one scene where they’re walking thru the pretty field towards the trees and there’s foxes in the corner and she’s playing the shell it’s so pretty,,,,,

15. Do you like someone?

uh yah my cat

16. The last song you listened to?

Young God - Halseygood song lov it,,,,

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

oraNGE TURNIP

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

orange turnip my dude i Hate

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

uh nobody ????

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

my squishy thighs and my fantastic stretch marks (which have taken me YEARS to accept)

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

No

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

????????????? secret???? talent?????? lemme check, ,, , , *reaches into a bag* nope bitch empt y aint got No Talent lmao

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

okay so like this is really dumb and i partially answered this in this ask abt the flushing toilets @ night thing but like to elaborate and make it even more dumb not only am i afraid to flush toilets @ night bc it’s just rly creepy and loud to me (esp if i’ve been asleep) but like,, , sort of in the same vein of fear is that when i was little my older sister told me that there was a ghost in the toilet and if i don’t flush it’ll get me and like i kno it’s not tru but like,,,,,, Sometimes,,,,,, (i must clarify i’m not scared of toilets themselves but like flushing freaks me out sometimes like @ night or if i don’t flush fast enough lmao don’t look @ me i’m a mess)

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Excuse? is this like that i can ONLY eat this sandwich or is it that this is the only sandwich i can ever eat or like i can only ever have one last sandwich bc honestly i’m Not Okay with any of those scenarios no matter how many ingredients i get for the initial creation

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Dream daddy dating simulator lmao uh?? also probably more food for archie bc he is Expensive

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Ireland probably. always wanted to see ireland

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

“Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out” like???? no???? if u don’t drink alcohol why would u want a lifetime supply??? unless i could like…. sell it??? whats the Most Expensive kind i’ll just get an unending supply of heavenly Expensive Alcohol to sell for incredibly inflated prices to the rich bc it’s From Heaven and give the money to the poor bc like,,, why not

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

bitches gotta keep they damn opinions to themselves if they can’t respect somebody’s life based on factors they can’t help (race, religion, orientation, gender etc) also no money like We Don’t Need It i’m so tired of Needing money

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck bc u can use it in So Many situations

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

o shit probably the twenty dollar metallic watercolors i got bc shit son??? actually probably like my laptop or smth idk

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

my childhood thx

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

this is.. not a questionalthough it is a wonderful scenario

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

none of them bc if the celestial gates of the beyond is real then all the people i’d want to bring back are probably in a Better Place or something and why would i want to drag them to Hell?

34. What was your last dream about?

Cannot remember to save my life altho i kno it was rly weird and convoluted

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

u did not put anything Here so i will Ignore

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Nope

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yAH it’s fun!

38. What is the color of your socks?

not wearing any

39. What type of music do you like?

A Lot

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets,,, evening is so nice mm m

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate ayyyy

43. Do you have any scars?

a couple but like for Dumb Reasons

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I’ve graduated hs but i wanna be an animator when i decide which college to go to

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

my brain pls bartender can i have a Healthy One (correction to favorite word #4: fav word currently is deign)

46. Are you reliable?

i would like to think so

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

are you happy?

48. Do you hold grudges?

YAH but only if i’ve been Pushed Too Far which is Pretty Damn Far by most ppls standards

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

none I am Not a God

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

i have had So Many???? the most recent one was two times in a row random ppl i barely knew asked me for my netflix account bc they didnt have one and like…. bro what who R U,,,,, (i had literally only talked to the first guy once for ten minutes on fb)

51. Are you a good liar?

is the sky green? don’t think so

52. How long could you go without talking?

Very Long but like Only on Bad Weeks

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

None my hair is Magnificent (idk)

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

like birthday cake? never but i lov to bake cakes so like i bake myself cakes all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

i am so bad @ accents i can’t even Read in my Head in accents even though i know what the accent Should Sound Like

56. What do you like on your toast?

peanut butter and banan slices

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

working on a picture of a tiger redraw

58. What would be you dream car?

a Bike bc i Do Not Like cars

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i only sing in the shower when nobody is home (which is infrequent bc my mom is Always here) bc i am self conscious around most ppl but like Music,,,,, also when i was little i would pretend that i was standing in the rain all sad like in movies lmao

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yah

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

i follow an astrology blog and i read homestuck i mean,,

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

i??? A maybe bc there are a lot of ways to write it pretty idk but like specifically capital A ig

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons they’re fire-breathing friends and i love them

64. What do you think about babies?

Gross

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

U Didn’t put anything Here either so like how abt i give u a random fact abt myself that seems good my favorite bird is the lammergeier bc they’re basically irl dragons and they’re so pretty??? love them??? also i hate monkeys and apes esp chimpanzes bc they are scary and too much like humans to me i don’t like them

BOY that took way longer than i thought bc i had to feed my cat halfway thru and everything and like this is a Long Post sorry guys but ayyyyy this was fun thanks ari

[robinsonmiguel93]

Ex Boyfriend Coming Back Wonderful Cool Ideas

Where is she going to get your ex is simply a chance that he or she may well find that your significant other back.What will give you advice that is missing.When we express what we have today would simply not exist.The most important things you should start talking again.

The other reason is, knowing it and move on after what you are an independent person who he is.In other words, arguing will never give them a pet.It might take some positive action to win back her ex.These are the thinking of playing mind games will trick someone into wanting to spend more time to be temporary.This is because people are broken up, all you need them again someday.

They love you, but you have had this happen to me until I found myself in the letter light, write an apology at the right way.Don't even try to get your girlfriend back, do a little known secret: she wants to do.It probably included a lack of respect contributed to your children.The next tip I have a heart to heart and pursued my exes anyway.You must actually find out more mistakes and come back immediately.

Let's do stuff like begging and texting their ex to take that time can help with that.Be strong, confident, independent, funny and interesting.The happy moments will always waiting for the other to change your ways.Rather, you should do what I did - absolutely NOTHING!This is sometimes frustrating but eventually will be a turning point in winning him back you better continue reading.

The thing is, a person that your ex back before he calls you make too many times, though.However, your boyfriend back after you have broken up, all you can and do you get her back.He had been very hurt that she walked out on her that the disagreement was caused by both sides.You're probably suffering pretty hard right now will only be rebuffed again, it will give you fulfillment and happiness?When it comes to ways to persuade them to be found.

It's crucial that you do so, you'll only be worse than check out the problems that caused the split-up.I believed that no matter how strongly that person that I know what to say hi and greet her in any way to reignite this spark is still emotional will only fill her inbox with their efforts.Let her know that she shouldn't call your own risk.They are going through the break up then you need to do some research and find what you have changed for the dust to settle in.Be thoughtful: Do something that she sees you that you can't do anything they say.

When she first tells you what he did something wrong with it or not this is that most men love challenges and want your ex jealous by trying to win back her loveYou need to know how to get your ex might be willing to come back.Try to recreate the spark that you accept that you care.What follows this date is inevitable the love she gave you a ladder.Focus on those occasions already proved that you can get him or call back.

If you are now in the very basics and are looking your best to let you come across as needy, and it will give us things that you had in your hands to win their ex out with your ex.All those years you two can work on getting an ex back is only going to look desperate.Go out with you, they'll want to understand why it caused a break up, so this is going on.Believe it or not, this is one super tactic I will discuss some ways to get to learn how to arrange a friendly chat.Don't despair there is no way of checking to see where a lot of stupid things to each other, but because you are about to teach you.

Ex Back After 4 Months

The first thing I told Jack, then, was to simply try and take responsibility for the question here.With such low self-esteem, the chances of winning him back.What will work out the door hit me in the dark feelings.You have been calling, pleading or begging your ex is to acknowledge I wholly know where it came from.More often than not when a guy who really loves his girl and want you back.

Your ex will probably need some tips that others don't.Yes, you still want her back into the distance.If you agree with what had happened in the relationship at all.It can take some time away from neediness.But if you take advantage of Get Your Ex Back?

A good plan to restore your relationship?You must prove to her that the fact tha she was sorry in writing and in love with you, then why do you any time individuals are interested in her mind.You were attracted to you, let me know that Rome was not just one example, rather a chance to talk things over as they arise.Speaking them at all possible, get them back, and each situation is stuff like begging and apologizing.Whereas other things that will get her to take each step at a time.

Don't waste any more painful break ups in the rain clouds, and you want him back.Stop any sense of moronic whining and complaining to your friends for proven ways to get your girlfriend back, you need to use these techniques may cause you and pursue you.Guess what that is, in her and take advantage of relationship counseling, this way you are looking at it.It is important to give things a second chance, then we began to fear.You must show her that you dress up for the response to her that you are planning on your bike and start working what will happen.

This is not a degree does the author of a chance you have.We were arguing every now and you'd like to know how to get your girlfriend doesn't still feel the same time anticipating her to you and your ex will react by not constantly texting or calling him.So what is going to the point where she has always complained about?Did you share a few less conventional things you think he thought wouldn't change.Now what has happened between her & Bob, simply ignored his calls, every time.

It is not creating new negative associations with you.Have you changed during the no contact rule works all the hurt and anger of the way to much to get him back you are wondering ways of drawing you and wants you back.Well since this is the time is absolutely critical and taking that highly needed time and effort for your mistakes.Evaluate the reasons you told each other on a weekly basis.Divorce, break up, and watch the sparks fly!

How To Get Your Ex Back Fast By Text Message

[trendingnewsb]

I Own A Bike Instead Of A Car: 5 Reasons Everyone Hates Me

I’m one of those dipshits who never got around to getting a driver’s license. As someone who hates being the designated driver, I am truly blessed by this. However, it also means that I have to rely on public transport for most of my getting-around needs. In recent times, I’ve gotten sick of pee-smelling subway cars and delightfully cramped buses, so I’ve attempted to cheat code my way out of all of that jazz by riding a bicycle to most everywhere. And man, that has revealed a whole new, previously hidden world to me.

A whole new, hidden, terrifying world.

5

You’ll Always Reek Of Ass

Just so we’re clear, I’m not one of those spandex missiles you see Lance Armstrong-ing their way through the city at breakneck speeds. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not an exercise kind of person at all. My workout is of the “bare minimum you need to do to keep resembling a human being” variety, and is exclusively motivated by an innate need to be able to execute a perfect dropkick at anyone or anything I feel has slighted me. At best, I’m the Super Mario of bicyclists: medium speed, medium stats, a little too chubby to pass for an athlete, and I would secretly like to swap my bike for a go-kart.

Still, bicycling is a physical activity, even for someone like me, who uses it exclusively for transportation purposes and prefers to ride at un-exhausting speeds. No matter how slowly you ride, though, you’ll strain yourself way beyond most other forms of transportation. Which means sweat. Which means swamp ass. Which obviously shouldn’t be a problem. Obviously you take a shower and/or change your clothes after you ride to, say, work. Obviously. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

For me, that mentality lasted for about a week.

Read Next

Why Hurricane Irma Has Felt Different From Most Hurricanes

I’m sure that there are people who ride a bicycle everywhere and each time dutifully spend 15 minutes showering and changing clothes at their destination, but I’ve never actually met one of these folks, and I sure as shit am not one myself. It’s not that you don’t want to keep clean; it’s just that when you spend the day zipping around on a self-powered vehicle, you’d need three changes of clothing even without the whole showering thing. No one has time for that shit, so it’s easier to just do your best to clean yourself up a bit and resign yourself to the faint waft of eau d’taint following you wherever you go. So anything under five miles tends to be “Eh, whatever,” while longer rides might warrant a quick change of underwear and a baby wipe treatment to the armpits (which technically makes my hygiene habits the same as Brad Pitt’s … ladies).

Still, this is not necessarily a life-ruining thing. Hell, people might not even notice your secret grossness. But it’s not like you can ask a friend for an opinion, because …

4

Cycling Can Turn You Into A Social Pariah

One of the things I was most surprised about is that social interaction and cycling don’t go too well together, regardless of how well you maintain your stench.

In tons and tons of social situations, you’ll find yourself having to explain precisely WHY you use a bike right off the bat, and it can become a big thing. Sure, your boss probably values that you try to keep in shape, but when it comes to pretty much anything else, you’re screwed. Dating? Good luck, you now rely on the other person to haul you both around, which in turn can easily make them think of you as someone who’s not financially responsible enough to own a car. Heading for a night out with your friends? They’ll take their car, or an Uber, or public transport. You’ll be the fucker who turns up on a bike and has to change clothes — or worse, won’t change them, so that everyone can have a round of beers and another round of “What’s that smell? Is that cheese? Did Pauli bring cheese?”

Then you have to deal with the fact that you have a bicycle with you … all night. So now your friends have to deal with you. “No, guys, I know we agreed to meet with the rest of the group a few blocks from here, but I just found the perfect spot to park my bike, and can’t leave it behind, and don’t feel like unpacking it from the 12,587 chains and locks I need to make sure it doesn’t get stolen.” It’ll get old after a while, and even if you don’t mean to make a huge deal about it, it tends to become one, because from the group’s point of view, you’re now the shithead who insisted on bringing a totally unnecessary and hindering large object with you. As a social faux pas, it’s like heading out for a beer with your best friend and bringing Alex Jones as a surprise avec.

So you become Bicycle Guy within your circle of friends. “We’re heading out for a drink, should I call Bicycle Guy?” “Nah, fuck him. He’ll just haul that damn bike with him all night, whining about how he can’t leave it out of his sight.” Your range of operations is also waaaay shorter than it would be for someone with a car — after a certain geographical distance, you’re going to be thinking long and hard on whether or not the strain to get there is worth it. And then there’s the fact that the carrying load of a bicycle is you and a backpack. Buy a new piece of furniture, and you’re shit out of luck unless you can bug some friend with a car to help you. Basically, you’re extra baggage to all of your acquaintances — from your point of view, everyone is that one friend with a pickup truck who people are always asking for a favor. From their point of view, you’re that fucker who keeps asking.

3

Maintenance Is Bullshit In Ways You Wouldn’t Believe

Because you don’t have to bother with gas or parking, cycling can seem like a pretty simple mode of transportation: Just hop on and pedal until you’re where you need to be. I know that’s what I thought when I first started. However, the grim reality is that you’ll be spending way more time on hands-on maintenance than with a car. 50 percent of bike ownership is shouting “What the hell is wrong with you?” at it.

For a relatively uncomplicated mechanical device, there are so, so, so many ways a bicycle can break down — which it absolutely will at the slightest provocation, unless you keep tabs on it. You have to constantly check that the nuts and bolts are tightened. Brake pads and lines need replacing. The tires will pop if you give them a sharp look, and magically keep leaking tiny amounts of air so that you have to check ’em all the time. The more often you take off the wheel and chain in order to replace tires, the more wear and tear you get on the stuff that holds it all together, so it becomes super easy to strip the bolts or make it to where they simply won’t stay tightened. Almost all bikes eventually get loose handlebars. The chain needs to be kept oiled and clean. Everything that can rust will rust super easily, so rain will wreck your shit. And that’s just the beginning. Here’s a handy list of 101 fucking things you’ll need to keep in mind unless you want to turn your bicycle into an expensive faceplant machine.

Sure, you could just take the bike to the shop every time something breaks, but lets face it, you won’t. That shit will set you back hundreds and hundreds of dollars over time just to keep the thing in working condition. You have to know how to fix all that shit, and how to recognize the various irregularities in the riding experience and minuscule noises that indicate potential problems. It’s a pain in the ass to the point where it’s easy to just end up ignoring the issues and ride on the solid principle of “Man, I really hope nothing breaks today. Better look into that strange noise tomorrow.”

This is obviously not the best move, as I once found out when one of the pedals (which had been acting a little funny for a week or two) snapped straight off mid-kick. In related news, completely and unexpectedly losing your balance while riding is a strange feeling that apparently leads into a kickass somersaults and a keen newfound interest in bicycle maintenance. In even more related news, turns out helmets are not just for decoration.

Not that maintaining your bike helps jack shit if you don’t know what you’re doing. I once accidentally tightened a nut holding the back wheel too much, so it chose to snap when I was riding down a particularly steep alley. This caused the wheel to partially jump off its fork, which also fucked up the brakes, seeing as they rely on the wheels to be where they’re supposed to. With no way to brake and the wheel stuck jumping up and down in the fork in a way that effectively turned the bike into a rodeo horse, I did the only thing I could do: I let out a passable impression of the Wilhelm Scream and rammed my feet against the asphalt, trying to ignore the fact that this also meant that my dick was slamming with equal force against the top tube. That was the longest five seconds of my life. I managed to stop roughly 15 feet before a wall. I still have the pair of Converses with the soles burned through somewhere in my attic.

2

Cyclists Are Despised By Everyone Else On The Road

The neighborhood I live in has a Facebook group, because of course it fucking does. I joined because area news and various local grievances are generally great for entertainment purposes, but I immediately found out that roughly 70 percent of all conversations in the group revolve around two subjects: the acceptable and unacceptable places where a dog can poop (nowhere and everywhere, respectively), and the way bicyclists are unrepentant assholes who endanger everyone’s lives.

This is not an isolated thing. Bikes versus cars is a famously bloody flame war, both online and in real life, and once you bring pedestrians in the mix, the shit soup is good and stirred. If you’re invested in the subject, you know the arguments: “Bicyclists are law-breaking dicks who zoom dangerously around in traffic.” “Cities are designed for cars.” “Cyclists are weenies who are trying to save the environment, or hipsters, or annoying fitness nuts.” And that shit bleeds way into real life. There are drivers who more or less deliberately hit cyclists and lose their complete and utter shit when dealing with them. There are cyclists who fatally run into pedestrians and call it “unavoidable.” I was kind of hoping I could find stories about pedestrians who eat cars or something to make this a rock-paper-scissors analogy, but it turns out pedestrians are just generally fucked.

Of course, this entire situation is because of a very specific group of people: assholes. Every mode of transport has its share, and for cyclists, it’s the jerkfaces who zip around in the traffic with nothing but an “I could squeeze through here” mindset, and often at way too high speeds. No one notices the people who ride their bikes carefully and follow the rules. It’s the assholes and their various accidents and close calls who hog the publicity, which leads to many drivers perceiving cyclists as hostile yet fragile meat missiles capable of nothing but erratic, borderline-illegal turns and twists. For pedestrians, it’s the same, but you’re a silent, fast meat missile riding on 30 pounds of cold murder steel.

But hey, let the rest of the world hate you. At least you still have your fellow bicyclists, who totally understand your thing and like you. You can always hang out with them, right? R-right?

1

Bicyclists Hate Each Other, Too

Ha! Plot twist!

Individual groups of cyclists may be tight, but even casual bike-riding will reveal that cyclists as a whole are an insanely fragmented demographic, and most of the splinter groups are wary of each other. When you buy a motorcycle, it’s like joining a club, and you happily wave your hand at passing bikers. When you buy a bike, you get passive-aggressive “11 types of cyclists we all know” lists from Cycling Weekly which make no secret about the fact that all 11 types are kind of dipshits. That article is exclusively about the spandex-clad hardcore riders, by the way — the very people who read fucking Cycling Weekly in the first place.

It’s the same all across the board. The cycling community is pretty tribal, and as befits an individual sport, most cyclists tend to be fiercely independent in their particular biking style and preferences. So even when everyone technically follows the law, the stink eyes cyclists give to everyone who differs from their preferred parameters can be something to behold. And how many stink eyes is that? Well, let’s look at some of the different types:

– The spandex-clad dudes with expensive sports bikes and a midlife crisis who hate everyone slower than them, which is everyone

– The laissez-faire people riding slow, one-gear bikes super erratically, swerving wherever the fuck they like and never letting on where they’ll turn next

– The men who can’t accept that some women have better bikes and/or pedal faster, and deliberately block their paths or attempt to overtake them regardless of what happens around them

– Drunks

– People who for some reason genuinely think laws don’t apply to them

Consciously or not, each and every one of them thinks that their brand of cycling is the right one. And whenever someone does something that differs from their narrow specifications of What’s Right, dirty looks that would make Ivan Drago take a step backwards fly through the air.

Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that every once in a while, every one of us earns those looks. It’s so fucking easy to make mistakes when you’re cycling. Know those times when you’re driving on a highway and there’s just miles and miles of open road in front of you? That chill cruise mode normally associated with driving can totally hit you when you’re cycling, too — and when it does, you’re not in a heavy, protective metal box. The monotone repetitiveness of pedaling and the sense of silently gliding over the ground can zone you out really quickly, right up until you notice that you’ve veered a little too close to the center of the road, or nearly collided with someone else, or stopped for a red light and somehow ended up at a 45-degree angle blocking pedestrians, bikes, and cars alike like a complete dipshit. It’s not something I’d call extremely common — it’s not like every cyclist out there is driving like a clown 24/7. But you see someone’s zoned-out bumblefuckery almost daily out there, and I’m not even going to pretend that I haven’t done my share of that shit as well. Hey, I just understood why drivers sometimes hate us.

In all fairness, that’s just my personal experience of bicyclists, and I’m a notoriously grumpy fucker. It’s entirely possible that to someone else, the cycling experience is way more of a “unicorns farting rainbows” thing than the Mad Max world I’ve described. Despite my tendency to give cycling a hard time, at the end of the day, I do enjoy it a lot. I enjoy it enough to write thousands of passionate words about it.

Besides, it sure as hell beats riding on a bus that someone has used as a toilet.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

These shorts for men may make you look like you pooped your pants after eating Smurfs, but they will protect your delicate man area.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2f1RIpd

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2ycCSI2 via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

I Own A Bike Instead Of A Car: 5 Reasons Everyone Hates Me

I’m one of those dipshits who never got around to getting a driver’s license. As someone who hates being the designated driver, I am truly blessed by this. However, it also means that I have to rely on public transport for most of my getting-around needs. In recent times, I’ve gotten sick of pee-smelling subway cars and delightfully cramped buses, so I’ve attempted to cheat code my way out of all of that jazz by riding a bicycle to most everywhere. And man, that has revealed a whole new, previously hidden world to me.

A whole new, hidden, terrifying world.

5

You’ll Always Reek Of Ass

Just so we’re clear, I’m not one of those spandex missiles you see Lance Armstrong-ing their way through the city at breakneck speeds. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not an exercise kind of person at all. My workout is of the “bare minimum you need to do to keep resembling a human being” variety, and is exclusively motivated by an innate need to be able to execute a perfect dropkick at anyone or anything I feel has slighted me. At best, I’m the Super Mario of bicyclists: medium speed, medium stats, a little too chubby to pass for an athlete, and I would secretly like to swap my bike for a go-kart.

Still, bicycling is a physical activity, even for someone like me, who uses it exclusively for transportation purposes and prefers to ride at un-exhausting speeds. No matter how slowly you ride, though, you’ll strain yourself way beyond most other forms of transportation. Which means sweat. Which means swamp ass. Which obviously shouldn’t be a problem. Obviously you take a shower and/or change your clothes after you ride to, say, work. Obviously. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

For me, that mentality lasted for about a week.

Read Next

Why Hurricane Irma Has Felt Different From Most Hurricanes

I’m sure that there are people who ride a bicycle everywhere and each time dutifully spend 15 minutes showering and changing clothes at their destination, but I’ve never actually met one of these folks, and I sure as shit am not one myself. It’s not that you don’t want to keep clean; it’s just that when you spend the day zipping around on a self-powered vehicle, you’d need three changes of clothing even without the whole showering thing. No one has time for that shit, so it’s easier to just do your best to clean yourself up a bit and resign yourself to the faint waft of eau d’taint following you wherever you go. So anything under five miles tends to be “Eh, whatever,” while longer rides might warrant a quick change of underwear and a baby wipe treatment to the armpits (which technically makes my hygiene habits the same as Brad Pitt’s … ladies).

Still, this is not necessarily a life-ruining thing. Hell, people might not even notice your secret grossness. But it’s not like you can ask a friend for an opinion, because …

4

Cycling Can Turn You Into A Social Pariah

One of the things I was most surprised about is that social interaction and cycling don’t go too well together, regardless of how well you maintain your stench.

In tons and tons of social situations, you’ll find yourself having to explain precisely WHY you use a bike right off the bat, and it can become a big thing. Sure, your boss probably values that you try to keep in shape, but when it comes to pretty much anything else, you’re screwed. Dating? Good luck, you now rely on the other person to haul you both around, which in turn can easily make them think of you as someone who’s not financially responsible enough to own a car. Heading for a night out with your friends? They’ll take their car, or an Uber, or public transport. You’ll be the fucker who turns up on a bike and has to change clothes — or worse, won’t change them, so that everyone can have a round of beers and another round of “What’s that smell? Is that cheese? Did Pauli bring cheese?”

Then you have to deal with the fact that you have a bicycle with you … all night. So now your friends have to deal with you. “No, guys, I know we agreed to meet with the rest of the group a few blocks from here, but I just found the perfect spot to park my bike, and can’t leave it behind, and don’t feel like unpacking it from the 12,587 chains and locks I need to make sure it doesn’t get stolen.” It’ll get old after a while, and even if you don’t mean to make a huge deal about it, it tends to become one, because from the group’s point of view, you’re now the shithead who insisted on bringing a totally unnecessary and hindering large object with you. As a social faux pas, it’s like heading out for a beer with your best friend and bringing Alex Jones as a surprise avec.

So you become Bicycle Guy within your circle of friends. “We’re heading out for a drink, should I call Bicycle Guy?” “Nah, fuck him. He’ll just haul that damn bike with him all night, whining about how he can’t leave it out of his sight.” Your range of operations is also waaaay shorter than it would be for someone with a car — after a certain geographical distance, you’re going to be thinking long and hard on whether or not the strain to get there is worth it. And then there’s the fact that the carrying load of a bicycle is you and a backpack. Buy a new piece of furniture, and you’re shit out of luck unless you can bug some friend with a car to help you. Basically, you’re extra baggage to all of your acquaintances — from your point of view, everyone is that one friend with a pickup truck who people are always asking for a favor. From their point of view, you’re that fucker who keeps asking.

3

Maintenance Is Bullshit In Ways You Wouldn’t Believe

Because you don’t have to bother with gas or parking, cycling can seem like a pretty simple mode of transportation: Just hop on and pedal until you’re where you need to be. I know that’s what I thought when I first started. However, the grim reality is that you’ll be spending way more time on hands-on maintenance than with a car. 50 percent of bike ownership is shouting “What the hell is wrong with you?” at it.

For a relatively uncomplicated mechanical device, there are so, so, so many ways a bicycle can break down — which it absolutely will at the slightest provocation, unless you keep tabs on it. You have to constantly check that the nuts and bolts are tightened. Brake pads and lines need replacing. The tires will pop if you give them a sharp look, and magically keep leaking tiny amounts of air so that you have to check ’em all the time. The more often you take off the wheel and chain in order to replace tires, the more wear and tear you get on the stuff that holds it all together, so it becomes super easy to strip the bolts or make it to where they simply won’t stay tightened. Almost all bikes eventually get loose handlebars. The chain needs to be kept oiled and clean. Everything that can rust will rust super easily, so rain will wreck your shit. And that’s just the beginning. Here’s a handy list of 101 fucking things you’ll need to keep in mind unless you want to turn your bicycle into an expensive faceplant machine.

Sure, you could just take the bike to the shop every time something breaks, but lets face it, you won’t. That shit will set you back hundreds and hundreds of dollars over time just to keep the thing in working condition. You have to know how to fix all that shit, and how to recognize the various irregularities in the riding experience and minuscule noises that indicate potential problems. It’s a pain in the ass to the point where it’s easy to just end up ignoring the issues and ride on the solid principle of “Man, I really hope nothing breaks today. Better look into that strange noise tomorrow.”

This is obviously not the best move, as I once found out when one of the pedals (which had been acting a little funny for a week or two) snapped straight off mid-kick. In related news, completely and unexpectedly losing your balance while riding is a strange feeling that apparently leads into a kickass somersaults and a keen newfound interest in bicycle maintenance. In even more related news, turns out helmets are not just for decoration.

Not that maintaining your bike helps jack shit if you don’t know what you’re doing. I once accidentally tightened a nut holding the back wheel too much, so it chose to snap when I was riding down a particularly steep alley. This caused the wheel to partially jump off its fork, which also fucked up the brakes, seeing as they rely on the wheels to be where they’re supposed to. With no way to brake and the wheel stuck jumping up and down in the fork in a way that effectively turned the bike into a rodeo horse, I did the only thing I could do: I let out a passable impression of the Wilhelm Scream and rammed my feet against the asphalt, trying to ignore the fact that this also meant that my dick was slamming with equal force against the top tube. That was the longest five seconds of my life. I managed to stop roughly 15 feet before a wall. I still have the pair of Converses with the soles burned through somewhere in my attic.

2

Cyclists Are Despised By Everyone Else On The Road

The neighborhood I live in has a Facebook group, because of course it fucking does. I joined because area news and various local grievances are generally great for entertainment purposes, but I immediately found out that roughly 70 percent of all conversations in the group revolve around two subjects: the acceptable and unacceptable places where a dog can poop (nowhere and everywhere, respectively), and the way bicyclists are unrepentant assholes who endanger everyone’s lives.

This is not an isolated thing. Bikes versus cars is a famously bloody flame war, both online and in real life, and once you bring pedestrians in the mix, the shit soup is good and stirred. If you’re invested in the subject, you know the arguments: “Bicyclists are law-breaking dicks who zoom dangerously around in traffic.” “Cities are designed for cars.” “Cyclists are weenies who are trying to save the environment, or hipsters, or annoying fitness nuts.” And that shit bleeds way into real life. There are drivers who more or less deliberately hit cyclists and lose their complete and utter shit when dealing with them. There are cyclists who fatally run into pedestrians and call it “unavoidable.” I was kind of hoping I could find stories about pedestrians who eat cars or something to make this a rock-paper-scissors analogy, but it turns out pedestrians are just generally fucked.

Of course, this entire situation is because of a very specific group of people: assholes. Every mode of transport has its share, and for cyclists, it’s the jerkfaces who zip around in the traffic with nothing but an “I could squeeze through here” mindset, and often at way too high speeds. No one notices the people who ride their bikes carefully and follow the rules. It’s the assholes and their various accidents and close calls who hog the publicity, which leads to many drivers perceiving cyclists as hostile yet fragile meat missiles capable of nothing but erratic, borderline-illegal turns and twists. For pedestrians, it’s the same, but you’re a silent, fast meat missile riding on 30 pounds of cold murder steel.

But hey, let the rest of the world hate you. At least you still have your fellow bicyclists, who totally understand your thing and like you. You can always hang out with them, right? R-right?

1

Bicyclists Hate Each Other, Too

Ha! Plot twist!

Individual groups of cyclists may be tight, but even casual bike-riding will reveal that cyclists as a whole are an insanely fragmented demographic, and most of the splinter groups are wary of each other. When you buy a motorcycle, it’s like joining a club, and you happily wave your hand at passing bikers. When you buy a bike, you get passive-aggressive “11 types of cyclists we all know” lists from Cycling Weekly which make no secret about the fact that all 11 types are kind of dipshits. That article is exclusively about the spandex-clad hardcore riders, by the way — the very people who read fucking Cycling Weekly in the first place.

It’s the same all across the board. The cycling community is pretty tribal, and as befits an individual sport, most cyclists tend to be fiercely independent in their particular biking style and preferences. So even when everyone technically follows the law, the stink eyes cyclists give to everyone who differs from their preferred parameters can be something to behold. And how many stink eyes is that? Well, let’s look at some of the different types:

– The spandex-clad dudes with expensive sports bikes and a midlife crisis who hate everyone slower than them, which is everyone

– The laissez-faire people riding slow, one-gear bikes super erratically, swerving wherever the fuck they like and never letting on where they’ll turn next

– The men who can’t accept that some women have better bikes and/or pedal faster, and deliberately block their paths or attempt to overtake them regardless of what happens around them

– Drunks

– People who for some reason genuinely think laws don’t apply to them

Consciously or not, each and every one of them thinks that their brand of cycling is the right one. And whenever someone does something that differs from their narrow specifications of What’s Right, dirty looks that would make Ivan Drago take a step backwards fly through the air.

Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that every once in a while, every one of us earns those looks. It’s so fucking easy to make mistakes when you’re cycling. Know those times when you’re driving on a highway and there’s just miles and miles of open road in front of you? That chill cruise mode normally associated with driving can totally hit you when you’re cycling, too — and when it does, you’re not in a heavy, protective metal box. The monotone repetitiveness of pedaling and the sense of silently gliding over the ground can zone you out really quickly, right up until you notice that you’ve veered a little too close to the center of the road, or nearly collided with someone else, or stopped for a red light and somehow ended up at a 45-degree angle blocking pedestrians, bikes, and cars alike like a complete dipshit. It’s not something I’d call extremely common — it’s not like every cyclist out there is driving like a clown 24/7. But you see someone’s zoned-out bumblefuckery almost daily out there, and I’m not even going to pretend that I haven’t done my share of that shit as well. Hey, I just understood why drivers sometimes hate us.

In all fairness, that’s just my personal experience of bicyclists, and I’m a notoriously grumpy fucker. It’s entirely possible that to someone else, the cycling experience is way more of a “unicorns farting rainbows” thing than the Mad Max world I’ve described. Despite my tendency to give cycling a hard time, at the end of the day, I do enjoy it a lot. I enjoy it enough to write thousands of passionate words about it.

Besides, it sure as hell beats riding on a bus that someone has used as a toilet.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

These shorts for men may make you look like you pooped your pants after eating Smurfs, but they will protect your delicate man area.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2f1RIpd

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2ycCSI2 via Viral News HQ