#BUT LISTEN i didn't had motivation to draw much and school is exhausting. But! in the end I managed to fill two pages! yayy :D

[yurki-posts]

Guess who got a new sketchbook~

No colors for them. Didn't had any dark greens nor browns unfortunately.

some doodles here :P

Love these two rabid animals

[diary-of-a-recovering-party-girl]

"You look somehow sad." [24- 25.10.2023]

Proper university starting and I am back in my university mood. I swear I try to be nice and smiley and happy but I kind of can't keep that facade up on university anymore. I just know I won't make any long- lasting friends there and I feel like I have no energy to make an effort to be fun, when I don't get anything out of it, how stupid that may sound. At my old uni, I was kind of always in a bubbly mood, because I got along sooo well with my colleagues and we always laughed and had a good time together, so being bubbly just came easily. In a boring environment, I feel like I don't wanna exhaust myself trying to be in a good mood if it's not gonna lead anywhere.

Also, though, I was also just sad. Sad about what's going on in the world and mad at some of my friends for not replying me or putting in effort, mad at the whole world for being so hostile and violent and cold. Weltschmerz.

So, I went about my day as usual, forcing myself to pay attention instead of picking up my phone and succeeding partially, saying "hi" to my colleagues and avoiding any further contact after that.

In the second lecture, I sat next to B, did basic small talk and waited for the lecture to begin so I wouldn't have to do basic small talk anymore. Then B just said "You look somehow sad." He was absolutely right.

Instead of using this opportunity to open up, I literally said "I'm just tired, I didn't sleep too well last night, blah, blah, blah". Really weak of me. But I can't talk with these people who I know will never be more than acquainces to me. With them, I feel like I somehow have to put up the facade of happy, successful, perfect Holly all of the time. I feel like I'm in a competition with them automatically as soon as we are close to each other. I don't know if I should have tried to open up more.

On the way home, I decided I would have a cheat evening that day, because I was feeling so down. I went to the store and bought a few sweets and pastries, too much for one evening as always and fucked off to my room. I closed my social media apps and put all the food I wanted to eat in my room. I didn't want to talk or listen to anybody.

At home, I finished my two paintings. I am happy with the result as it's still one of the first times I'm drawing with acryl colors, but the pictures really aren't amazing. I only realized in the last 5% of drawing that I completely messed up the size of their faces. I posted them after some unprofessional editing on my phone.

The rest of the evening I spent rotting on my couch, stuffing myself with food well after I was full, watched random documentaries on my laptop while iterating between masturbating to porn on my phone, running small errands and scrolling reddit. Cheat days really always sound better than they actually are.

The next day, I met up with H and really, I had low motivation to see him again. I even thought about making this the last time I meet with him, because I just felt that because of the language barrier, it's so difficult to communicate with him and we don't really have a lot of common beyond that either. I felt like he was one of the people I kept stupidly meeting with out of politeness.

This sensation completely vanished as soon as I saw him. We went grocery shopping and started cooking while updating us on each other's lives. I felt once again so sorry for how much homophobia he has to endure at his school and everywhere. But, I also felt proud. Whenever I meet H, I have this sensation of progress, like he's never the same person I met the last time, he's always a bit wiser, better, more awake, more confident, cooler. Maybe because he's transitioning, he gives off that sensation.

Sometime before we ate in his really beautiful room, we talked about what is happening in the world, for just a brief moment. I told him that I don't wanna hear about any of it anymore in my life because I feel it's getting too much. And then we até and watched music videos on his TV and ate more and played cards and danced to Techno and started watching a drag show and for the first time since it happened, I felt like I could enjoy something with somebody in peace again. We were both worried about what's happening and we both felt bad about it, but we also knew we couldn't change anything and tried to enjoy our lives here. I felt truly okay with having a good time again for the first time. Because I wasn't deliberately pushing away any thought about it with force anymore, but I accepted it as part of his and my life reality now. We can still enjoy, even after we mourn.

[witheringvoice]

Motivation - A Poem + Vent

TW: Lack of a will to live, not necessarily suicidal thoughts, but mentions of lack of wanting to take care of yourself and shit.

You always have some amount of it, like I used to.

To learn, explore, make, create, listen, etc.

But I have little now.

I don't know if it's burnout, exhaustion, depression, or just loneliness.

Either way, I haven't had it in a while.

Not to take care of myself at all.

Then enters therapy, and finally, I was heard enough to go.

For someone who might help me like I need it.

Or just to word and listen, having the words nobody else has.

I have slight hope thanks to school.

Even if in the past it brought pain.

After all, I love to learn, it makes me a lil bit happy.

Even if anxiety controls me daily.

I still feel empty, because I still don't have enough.

It's fake to act like I do.

I barely take care of myself and my anxiety is the reason I open my eyes.

It's the reason I take care of myself the little bit I do, so no one gets angry.

I can't do what I want because of anxiety though, so what's the point?

What's the hope, will it ever even return?

Will someone spare some, even just help with support?

Some people want me to live, so I need it.

Motivation.

// TW: Eating disorder

It's brought to light more and more as the days go on...What started as a lack of motivation to make a proper meal during the lockdown (because my mom worked, my siblings didn't cook, and I wasn't used to making myself food), I didn't eat more than snacks. My mom would buy a giant carton of goldfish, and I'd keep it next to me in my little bed, or mattress on the floor, or couch, or wherever I was sleeping (sleeping arrangements changed a lot during 2020-2022, once sleeper on a pullout bed with my sister for a while, uncomfortable asf), and I'd be in bed, watching anime, writing, reading, drawing, and I'd just snack on goldfish throughout the day. Drinking was never something I was good at, but it used to be easier. Safe to say it stopped, safe to say my eating habits never got better. They got worse. Yes, I'm insecure about my body, but not nearly enough to force myself not to eat, I love eating, I love food, I used to eat a fuck ton, and I used to go sick when my grandpa had money (once a year usually, only happened 5 times I think?) to take us to a buffet because I'd overeat. Almost always got really nauseous and...puked. But now? I don't know why it got so bad. I can barely take a sip of water, eat a piece of candy, or have a mint, without getting fucking nauseous and sick. I eat once at max, if I'm lucky I eat a decent amount (I don't eat a lot, but it feels like a lot when I'm trying to force myself to swallow with all of my nonexistent motivation). I fill the bottom of the bowl, and only the bottom, with food, I have a candy bar, I have a small snack, a packet of M&M's, or as much of a meal as I can muster. But then that's it. Rarely do I have two meals, though if I stay up late enough I might have a midnight meal, that happens rarely. I can't bring myself to eat, my mom gets mad at me for not eating enough, I regret being honest, and I have a panic attack when she gets upset with me for not eating. It's not that easy. I took a test on the internet once (HAH, a test...To be fair the organization did email me and told me I should set up something and shit because it's good to get help for my problems and blah blah blah, stfu I don't need help...I mean I do but I don't like being told that lol), said I might have a severe eating disorder, talked to my sister, and said I have an eating disorder and I need to talk to my therapist about it before it gets worse. I don't want to. I don't want to. What if- What if they say I can't take care of myself? I mean I can't, but nobody needs to know that. I'm fourteen, I shouldn't have to take care of myself, BUT I'M FOURTEEN! I- I don't know anymore, I'm tired, I still feel sick from eating at...1pm? To be fair I had a packet of M&M's an hour or three ago, I don't remember one. Honestly, I've made peace with it. No, no I haven't. But I don't know what to do, my mom doesn't have the gas money nor the time to bring me to consistent therapy anyways so oh fucking well, right? Right. I'm fine :)