#BUT JUST NOT AT 12AM LIKE USUAL

[indigopoptart]

HELLO ALL. JUST LETTING YALL KNOW REAL QUICK THAT STAMPS IS GONNA UPDATE LATER THAN USUAL. I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A HAND INJURY.

[brynn-lear]

"Hmm? Oh, I'm just the milkman. Nothin' more. Won't you let me in, my doorman?"

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[starlightiing]

Welcome the few new followers I've gotten over the past week. I just wanted to thank you for following/following me back.

I'm usually always around, and so if you ever need anyone for any reason at all, please never hesitate to reach out. I'm happy to talk to you if everyone else is asleep, or hold your hand virtually if you need it, listen to your woes, assist through panic attacks, whatever it may be.

I know reaching out to strangers can be hard, but I have severe GAD and panic disorder and suffer from a lot of mental health issues myself so I will never NOT be there for someone struggling.

And, feel free to just message me because you feel like it, too! Or to yell about F1 stuff. Again, I'm always around. Happy to yell with you. I like to think I'm like a 6/10 on the fun scale.

But seriously, thanks for hanging around. I hope you all have wonderful days and never hesitate to reach out if you need anything at all!

[tame-a-messenger]

Do you have a specific day/time you prefer us to send in asks? I know it’s probably overwhelming getting a lot of notifications/stocked up anons

I don't have a preferred time/day for asks! I try to get to my asks when I can! I tend to give myself time though! (I feel bad that sometimes a wait DAYS to answer asks :( I just want to fully read and be in the right headspace to answer them well!) (that and I'm not super great at social interaction and get nervous lol)(BUT I DO LOVE YOU GUYS!)(IM JUST NERVOUS)

I do read the asks as I get them though! (if you really want my input on something quick I'd recommend putting "!!!urgent!!!" in the first line so I know!

[exitstageleft-pursuedbyabear]

I need to be completely alone for 6 to 8 hours a day. Anymore than that and the shadow ones begin to consume me

[crabussy]

RRARAAAAAAAAAUUAUUAAGHHHHH

[aceforwhatevenisthis]

im drawing a ghost files piece and like i literally just need to render it with shadows and stuff but i just,,,,

don't

want to

[cr0wc0rpse]

We haven’t even done thanksgiving yet but I’m already worried about how crushingly lonely I’m going to feel on new years eve

[wen-ning]

bro what in the fucking bass boosted accordion polka are my neighbors blasting 😭

[herawell]

.

[arytha]

poses

im gonna be normal today

[itsalwaysdark]

high lamp jumpscare is always so funny

[subalpinestag]

since I am unable to wake up any time before my Have To Get Up Alarm (1 pm) essentially any free time I get in a day is anything I get in before I fall asleep for bed

except for a while I've been way too sleepy and falling asleep around 12 or 1am.. which feels miserable since I wasted all my free time! so I've been slowly working my wakefulness back up to that nice 7am schedule I had for a while

except I forgot how lonely it is at night :(

[29121996]

.

[rotteneldritchhorror]

I know I reblogged that post about not thinking about sleeping to actually get to sleep but I’m currently not sleeping at 3am because I keep forgetting to sleep (and have been the past few nights)