#BUT ITS OK I ATE!!!!! IVE LEARNED MY LESSON

[snazzi-strawberri]

just found out that youre gonna tremble, get lightheaded, dizzy, and nausious when u dont eat for 12 hours????🤨🤨🤨

[warmcoals]

hiii ok first off i just wanna say i love u and ur blog and ur a huge icon to me. i need some advice if thats okay. i joined an animal crossing discord server and my best friend in there gives me serious egg vibes. should i say anything or just wait for them to come to me?

thank you for those ridiculously kind words. i cant understand being an icon but i hope im a decent one for you anon 🙇‍♀️

ok so here's the warmcoals deep lore: i have never hatched an egg in my life. and this is considering 85% of my friends are grade-a clear as crystal eggs. for all my talk im just a big schmuck so dont think of me as some authority on the subject 💀

BUT!!!!! i have learned some actually valuable lessons about how to handle this sort of thing from my vast collection of failures...ill kinda sum up what to do and not do to at least be the right kind of support to help them along, even if it takes forever

DO NOT: ask straight up if theyve thought about being trans, or any version of that. humans do not want to be told whats going on as a rule. it doesnt matter about being right or wrong or anything, if a person is gonna get somewhere theyre gonna use their own directions. also if someone does mention even a shred of gender stuff to you, dont assume their journey/presentation will match yours. i was wayyyy too pushy with one friend about skirts being a necessity and it def didnt help them at all.

DO: be as totally comfortable, open, and happy in your transness as possible. the best moment in the world for me was when i sent all my guy friends a meme about being the only trans girl in the group and they all ate that up, or like in animal crossing showing off all the cute fun outfits ive had fun making. even on other levels, like talking a tiny bit about hrt here and there, ive gotten braver about how i present and act and talk around them. and that has had so much more payoff than forcing the issue ever did. sometimes, if its a more serious/earnest talk, ill mention unhealthy feelings n habits that related to my "cis" phase, to open up and also sort of relate to stuff they are also going through (eg not having interests, bad relationships). they get a good idea of what trans is, and how happy i am as trans, and they might not connect the dots that it's them too (and dear sweet god is it) but theyll start being more brave in their engagement and exploration of gender, and even if they dont transition, i hope in some way they will work towards being truer versions of themselves.

tldr: dont tell them theyre trans, do Be Hella Trans and just a super supportive friend. sit gently on top of them until you feel that shell start to crack

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[chimcharstar]

1-50 ho

you got it ho

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. ive been Purchasing various smelly candles for my gay divination activities, and i have a few nominees. i first thought of the candle i have now, a pink one with a very sweet vanilla smell, i love very sweet smells because it makes me think of candy which i tend to try to fill my inner void with. however im going to go with the first candle i bought, a dark orange one with a citrus smell. citrus scents are my next favourite and specifically this one reminded me of curiously smelling candles at my piano teachers apartment when i was very young. 

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

idk. ive been listening to her lion king stuff lately. dont judge me i needed to hear remixes of lion king music i was lost in that sauce in high school. and i just think shes neat. i dont think she would aggressively make me feel bad about everything, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Look……. i really don’t know???? what is the criteria?? do they need to be like my siblings? dare i criticize my arguably criticizable siblings by picking out my ideal siblings? if i pick an ideal sibling, what does that say about what im lacking in my life? do i pick celebrities i hate so theoretically my family shames them into becoming silent and self-defeating

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

50. i think im going to have to figure myself out for a long time, and achieve some personal goals first. thats my excessively confident prediction and PERHAPS educated guess

5. Do you know a hoarder?

nnnnnoooooooo????? not a real, cant function because of hoarding hoarder. i can see in a few family members, including myself, liking to hang onto things that maybe become sentimental/unnecessary clutter but that sounds like something many non-hoarders experience?

6. Can you do a split?

lemme try one sec

NO

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Idk maybe 7? Or 11? i think my parents taught me at a children age and then i started biking for fun like, later, like pre middle school?

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

1. i dont really remember swimming in an ocean but i may have faded childhood memories of salty water and seaweed

9. How many countries have you been to?

2… i went to idaho for a band trip… my dad really doesnt like travelling

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

HAHAHA

NO. ACTUALLY YES. but its funny because the specific brand of christianity we are supposed to be is super pacifist so ive heard. but then i remembered one dude apparently who joined the us military?????? it seemed like it was… an unusual choice. i dont really know anything else about this guy, not even his name

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

🙏 *inhale* buddy. oooooohhffffff i want to say something gender neutral honestly. i dont want to rock the boat being unconventional or something but im just thinking of all those years trying to live up to a feminine name

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

same i guess… why have i never thought about this????? was i preoccupied naming myself.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

hmmmmm hmmmmm trying to unlock the vault. i think i remember a 1 or a 0 on a math quiz. i think i got 30% or something very very bad (i dont even want to know) on my last english exam, but to be fair, i was having such a bad mental breakdown my professor did an intervention

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

like a very very small child? i was obsessed with the save-ums (?!?!?) for some reason. i would sing the anthem… no. theme song? i dont know. i guess it was catchy and there were lots of fun characters. OHHHH I SEE WHATS WRONG

ITS BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A TV TILL I WAS LIKE 5 OR SOMETHING. what are you cultured people watching as children? what are the shows? 

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

>:(

My Halloween experience:

i dont even remember i probably had some kind of fairy wings? i think i remember fairy wings. we went to one (1) house. later on, since we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating, we were each allotted a certain amount of candy, and if we ate more than a designated amount per day, we were in trouble and wouldnt be allowed anymore. i do remember getting in trouble for this. i think i stole someones candy. sibling against sibling. finally we were allowed to go trick or treating, i went with my younger brothers and by then, was a teenager and felt too tall and really uncomfortable

LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT LAST TIME WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING NOT IN A RURAL AREA, my dad drove us around in a van and watched us like a hawk i believe. it was very tense and methodical.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

i read the harry potter series (I WROTE SIBLIGS LOL) more times than i could count while growing up. i read the first hunger games book and didnt fancy it for whatever reason, and i had an obnoxious twilight-hating phase.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

no

sometimes, though, im really genuinely worried about what accent i do have. im worried i read so much harry potter growing up, it rubbed off on me. when i was a server, people would ask about an unusual accent i apparently had, and once, when i was talking to a super british guy who called me luv at walmart, he was like STOP. WAIT. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. and i was like WHAT UHHH BYEBYE AND HE WAS LIKE NO. I HEARD YOU. STOP and i was like that michael jackson meme where he covers his face running away and everyone else in the line was staring

18. Did your mother go to college?

i believe she went to a bible college where people put a grand piano on top of the roof. 

19. Are your grandparents still married?

all of my grandparents are dead.

…. hmmMMMM yow. ok. my grandparents who werent estranged stayed married for as long as either of them were living… however, my OTHER grandparents, i mean the fucking kidnappers, my abuser grandpa… remarried? when he was… really really aging. im judging him for it because i know what kind of person he was.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

I WISH. my parents didnt seem to like that sort of thing (surprise). im interested in it now but… as usual… i feel like its too late, im too old.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

….. i… i thought i did… hes blessed… thats all.

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

ಠ_ಠ 

*crickets*

how could you ask me this?

no wait! i went to the waterslides. then, later on, i was never allowed to go to the waterslides.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Spanish. ive been “intending” to learn for a long time, and a lot of people who have been really good influences on me and been genuinely kind to me speak it, id like to learn it

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

grey

one sec

yup thats canadian!

25. Is your father bald?

on the top of his head, yes >:(

26. Do you know triplets?

no?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

no? what is this straight stuff? i listened to the dramatic titanic song and felt nothing.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

i guess so, at a friends house! i dont think otherwise ive gone to a restaurant and actually had indian food

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

*gazes tearily at my OWN FUCKING OLD WORKPLACE

the food was sO GOOD MAN. IT WAS SO GOOD. im just not saying because despite how stalkable i probably am already, i dont want to be specific

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

no whats that

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

w

belong? whats bjs? whats a warehouse for?

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

i decided at one point they would never tell me this and it was no use asking. i do know they almost named my brother a very fusty old fashioned name fitting in with the thomas the tank engine theme 

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

G is the ONLY one i will accept so far.

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

:)

i……… hmmmm…. i really dont like picking favourites. each person in my life has a unique relationship with me (even though a lot of them arent very warm, trusting or close). because of unhealthy middle school friendships ive grown an aversion to ranking relationships as if they have material value.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

rural, i think. i need nature in my life!!! but i also need to be able to have connections to people.

36. Can you whistle?

yes, but not very loudly or accurately

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

no, but ive always wanted a nightlight

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

ive started to, yeah! this morning i made a whole thing with bread and mushrooms and eggs, and coffee, and i ate it outside watching the traffic. im really trying to treat myself nicely you see. its what id do for someone else.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

THAT

BOY

JUICE!

WELCOME TO MY BUILD A BOY WORKSHOP!

SHOTS!SHOTS!SHOTS!

and im really fortunate to be in pretty good health, and have access to things i do need

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I dont think… i actually have any. id say gender dysphoria but i think it was informed consent. (im VERY lucky)

im pretty sure there are SOME mental conditions running around undiagnosed. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING PROPERLY

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

for myself? once… when i got hives and started swelling up all over, but otherwise was fine. i really wonder what that was. other times was visiting sick/dying relatives which has made me feel sad and apprehensive whenever i enter a hospital or smell the food

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

yes! i had a gerbil named nemo! 

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

D:

i dont … remember … really nowhere special i actually have yet to find some jeans i LOVE. sometimes there is a pair of jeans that sparks joy. i do not have such a pair

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

my sister said my pants looked good on me. they are actually their pants, which they left on the floor in my room for an unknown reason, and they want them back. of course.

but because im excited about it and want to brag, the real compliment was when i made borscht and my sister not only ate it faster than me, but wanted a second helping. and my roommate stuck his face in the steam and said it smelled good. hell yes. i put fucking cilantro in it. fcking beast mode.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

yes. theyre usually really emotional and symbolic. if ive been talking to my parents, theyre usually nightmares. ive been reading about dream interpretation for a long time to deal with some of the ominous images that can come up

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

red rose reminds me of wheni was little my mom would make really sweet sweet red rose tea for me (thats the kind she drinks all the time) and it brings me those good feelings. otherwise licorice spice really appeald to me for some reason.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

LMAO UHHH…brb

six. because of social pressure.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

i never thought about this kind of thing…. i really don’t know….. id just want them to know how to be kind to others and themselves and thats literally it. 

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

i was one of those edgy kids trying to spoil it for everyone. guess what other common fun thing my parents didnt do

50. Why do you have a youtube? 

i dont! so i dont know what this question means! :)

HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THRU HIGH FIVE 

[hopeless-helpless-heart]

1.19.19

so yesterday i went to the hospital and had a HUGE reality check from a customer who frequently comes in my store (she was one of the crisis clinicians on call)

just a lil background. i went to the hospital because my bulimia has been out of fucking control. i passed out on Monday, and purged so much on Wednesday that i almost passed out again. i also went because my suicidal ideation wasnt improving.

so i get there, check in, they do all my vitals, and hook me up to 2! mothafuckin ivs. one because i was really dehydrated, and the other because my potassium was severely low. they hooked me up to an ecg machine to monitor my heart rate or beat or some shit. all i know is when i went in there my heart rate was 158 and its supposed to be like 75-100? ya bitch was tachy.

so after i got a very supoortive talking to by the pa about how dangerous it was and how im basically wrecking my body and *will* die, they called the crisis clinicians. they came and asked me all the assessment questions, like have you been feeling hopeless, suicidal, aggressive, risky behavior, etc. AND EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS FUCKING MANIC. like ???? ok. and i know that i always deny when im manic because why tf am i manic if im being medicated ? but i digress. anywho, i told them, just like i told my therapist that i dont feel manic. *side note* i rarely experience euphoric mania. so, to all you bitches who get to be ecstatically destructive, suck a butt. so i explained to them that this was NOT a mixed episode. because i wasnt spending money, and i was sleeping 10+ hours a night. my sleep and my budget are huge indicators of mania.

so we talked and talked and i got really raw with these women because i had to be clear that i didnt want to die, i just needed to stop feeling how i feel, how often i feel it. and i feel like that's true for a lot of suicidal people. we genuinely want to be happy and lead normal healthy happy lives... but when we cant, and we like discouragingly c a n t. you think of a way out.. and these two women were sooooo helpful.

it is REALLY hard having coexisting mental illnesses. especially when they all trigger each other. and the women were like yea bipolar is hard. yea bipolar is stupid. and yes its soooo fucking complex. but the one who's my customer said "that doesn't mean you are. youre so insightful about what you need. we can tell youve had a really rough time tackling this, but youre so young and you have so many lessons to learn." FULL STOP. so i was like what Tina. what lessons do i have to learn ? and she tilted her head to the side, extended her arm and said "how to manage your disorders". and then went on to explain that it iss so hard, and ive been dealing with it for a long time, so of course im frustrated. and even though they won't go away, i have to be willing to help myself.

if im throwing up all the time, im not taking meds. if im not taking meds, literally every single thing gets worse. and i guess what im struggling with most right now is the knowledge that its not going away. im going to have bipolar disorder for the rest of my life. im going to have to overcome disordered eating, then work every day to keep myself healthy.

i guess what im trying to say is these women validated the fuck out of me. they didnt tell me to be grateful or thankful for anything. they didnt tell me i have to look on the bright side or to not focus on the bad, because they know how the disorder works. they told me i have to be willing to help myself through it. i have to be willing to talk to my therapist about my struggles. i have to be willing to follow a food plan and take my meds. i have to be willing to tell my psych when my tolerance is growing instead of being worried about getting 3 more blood tests. and that was honestly better than what a lot of people say.

everyone wants to be sorry when you're depressed. "im sorry". "oh man, im sorry". "im so sorry you're dealing with this". like ya... me too. i dont want people to be sorry for me -sympathy is fine or whatever- or everyone wants to offer their advice. what they would do. what they think you should do.. and honestly, sometimes all we need is someone to listen and be supportive. let me talk about my horrible ass day, without you saying im being negative. let me tell you im having a hard time eating, without you telling me to just eat. let me cry, without you trying to make me smile. im not broken, my chemicals will balance out. but allow me the space to hold hands with my feelings. yea it gets scary... its scary for me too 😒. but it doesn't always need to be fixed. sometimes you just have to ride the episode out. most times i just have to ride the episode out. and it's haaaaard, but it's okay. its usually when i feel really lonely and misunderstood that i get suicidal. i feel like i can't talk to anyone and i have to save face. i have to be who people want me to be, and that's so damaging. suicidal ideation most definitely comes out the purple, too. i can be minding my business, and BOOM. but its a symptom of a bigger issue. just like the bulimia. its a symptom of a bigger issue. and my bigger issue is unresolved trauma and a mood disorder thats wreaking havoc over my mental estate. and i KNOW that. and sometimes i just need to be reminded that im sick. im not broken. im sick. and anyone with a mood disorder knows its a larger scale with different extremes, and triggers are plentiful.

anyway anyway. they kept me over night to make sure my heart rate beat whatever stabilized, i ate something, wouldn't die of an electrolyte imbalance, and wouldn't come home and take all my lithium or overdose on oxy. but im home now ! and while i am obviously still depressed, ive managed to shower, eat and keep down half a bowl of oats, get rid of all the pills ive stockpiled, and make myself a nice hot cup of tea. and yaknow, like eat a banana lol.

im not happy, but i feel heard and seen. and that shit REALLY makes a difference.

[prissypickle]

Tw - suicide attempt

7 years ago today I had my first suicide attempt. I was 14 years old. I went to providence in oregon city to be admitted but they refused to admit me. (August 21st) Then I tried again at a different hospital (August 22nd) I was hospitalized at emanuel legacy childrens hospital. They were confused on why the other hospital rejected me. I was admitted around midnight and I remember they wheeled me in a wheelchair to the psych unit at 12:00 am. I remember seeing the sign keep doors closed at all times. Run risk. I remember doing intake. I remember being stripped search (basically I got to hold a sheet up and took off my clothes and gave them to the nurse to shake them down) I remember the first night I was so cold. But Everyone welcomed me. The staff, the other kids there. I remember we had movie each night, one of them being frozen and we were told we couldn’t sing to it 😂 I actually wrote a small memoir about it. Ive come so incredibly far from August 22 2014 to August 22nd 2021. Im 12 weeks clean from self harm.

Heres the memoir I wrote (i was 14 when I wrote this so its pretty cruddy writing)

The long halls of the underground tunnels that connected the children’s hospital to the psychiatric unit were bright. The security guard wheeled me to the unit. On the inside I was scared, terrified actually; I’ve never stayed at the hospital before, or been to a psychiatric unit. Of course I was going to be scared. I stayed quiet not knowing what to expect.

    There were these big metal doors, thick; they were a brown color. The most disturbing part was the sign on the door: ‘keep doors shut at all times high run risk’ Do people actually try to escape? I thought to myself.

    The security guard buzzed us in. He pushed the big, heavy doors open. The room they wheeled me into was faintly lit; I wasn't sure what time it was but it was really late at night, 11:00 maybe 12:00. I don’t know, but there was no one In the room. The big room looked like a living room. (Later I found out that room was called the day room.)

   

There was a nurse standing in front of me. She was tall, had long blond hair. She greeted me with a smile. “Hi, I’ll be your nurse for tonight,” the lady said in a soft, nice, friendly tone.

    “Hi, I’m Haley,” I said and stood up out of the wheelchair. My knees wobbled, I was sitting for awhile. My heart was fluttering; I felt nauseous, dizzy, and I was scared.

    The nurse guided me over to a table and pulled out a seat for me to sit in. I sat down.

    “I would like to ask you a series of questions,” she said.

    I nodded.

    “But first I want to take you vitals,” she said and walks over to a blood pressure machine and brings it over to me. She puts the blood pressure cuff on my left arm and turns on the machine. Slowly it filled up with air and squeezed my arm very tight. Finally the thing stopped.  “Your pulse is a little high, are you anxious?” The nurse asked.

    I nodded, “Yeah.”

    “First nights are tough, are you scared?”

    I chuckled a bit, “Yeah, I’m scared.”

    She started asking me a ton of different questions; I don't really remember them because I was half asleep.

    After all the questions, she led me to a room, room 2922. It was very warm in there.  It felt very good, though, since I was in paper scrubs.

   

“We got to strip search you hun,” the nurse says. She makes me go into the bathroom, she puts a sheet up so I can change in privacy. I strip naked. They check the clothes and hand me normal scrubs. The scrubs were warm and comfortable.

    The nurses left while i was getting back dressed. When I walked into the room it was FREEZING cold. It was as cold as an ice cube!!!

    I went to the little cubby that was there that had all my clothing in and I found my green jacket. I put it on, and go under the covers. I was so cold, and my thoughts were racing. I could NOT get to sleep for at least over an hour.

    Eventually I went to sleep, after I warmed up.

    The next morning I woke up fairly early. I was very bored so I decided to take a shower. I could not figure out how to run the shower. I got water all over the floor, and I only had two very small towels to clean up. My morning wasn’t turning out very well.

    After about an hour of just sitting there I went out to the Day Room. I walked out there with my scrubs and blue slippers. There was a nurse out there. Marylynn was her name.

    “Hi, I’m your nurse Marylynn. Sit here while I take your vitals,” she said. Just like the night before, they my blood pressure and my temperature. “Are you feeling any pain this morning?” she asks.

    I shook my head no.

    “Ok, you can hang around in the Day Room until breakfast,” Marylynn said.

   

I went to sit on one of the couches. I stayed very quiet, not really sure what to do, so I just sat there quietly. More and more kids started coming out. Marylynn got their blood pressure and temperature.

Finally the breakfast came and two of the nurses called all the kids to the dining room. The dining room was a very small room; it looked like a conference room. The nurse in there, Berry, got me my food, still I was silent. They gave me the traditional breakfast, which was french toast, one apple juice and one orange juice.

I ate fairly slowly, not really hungry. Once I ate I went back to my room for room time. More boredness so I just sat on my bed, doing absolutely nothing.

Then, after thirty minutes, there was a knock on my door. It made me jump.  “Time for community meeting,” a nurse said. I got on my slippers again and walked to the dining room where there were four or five other kids.

When I got there the others were already talking. I sat down in an empty seat. “Well, Haley, we’re saying our name and age and why we are here,” the nurse said.

“I’m Haley, and I’m 14 years old and I’m here because of suicidal actions, and for self harm,” I said quietly. I was really embarrassed telling everyone that.

A few more people went and I figured out that I wasn’t alone. The other kids too had problems with depression, or had Bipolar disorder.

Once everyone went, Ben came into the room and told everyone to go to the classroom. We all went across the hall to the schoolroom. It was very small classroom It

had six or seven desks, and at the very beginning of the room there was a white board and a computer.

    During school we did more introductions and we started the day. I had to take a test. I did a math test; it started really easy then it got to college level material.

    School lasted only an hour. We were sent back to our rooms. I started to miss my mom, I was very lonely

    Once in my room, I was super,  super, super bored. There was absolutely nothing to do but sit there!!

They called us out for lunch. I grabbed my tray, and sat at one of the empty chairs. I don’t really remember what I picked out for lunch, but I do remember was that the milk shakes were delicious!!!

Same like earlier, after lunch we went back to our rooms. This time I actually decided to lay down… bad decision. I fell asleep, Actually I was asleep till dinner time.

They woke me up at dinnertime. Still I ate some crappy food with a wonderful milkshake.

Finally the day was coming  to an end. I went to my room and my parents were there!!! I was so elated to see them. I gave them a big hug. We talked for about an hour. Eventually I kicked them out and went to bed.

    Eventually in the end I got used to the routine of the day. On the second day I got a radio, so I wasn’t completely bored out of my mind. I stayed 8 ½ days. my parents came and visited me every day. I was put on meds that stabilized my moods. Everything

got better. I learned a lot of coping skills, lessons, and self soothing skills. I even made a friend

[shytiff]

Small Oct Wins

1 - DL, its bts week on fallon 🥰🥰also chuseok, which means content >>>, cicil dk ikk, rapat sponsor and talked and raged with regen abt mpi and manhwa lmao, group call shiko

2 - DL, finished 4 dk ikk wow!!, read dear door sampe ujung

3 - DL, symptoms ipd WHILE trying to losten to resus cairan fkdigital and i failed to listen to fkdigital lmao in the beginning they talked abt different fluids, my kompre is in Nov!! Can take a slight breath of air. Cicil kompre

4 - DL, symptoms, ordered krispy face (tasted so so), started reading sign, its so hilarious but the antagonist just doesnt make sense. too dysfunctional

5 - DL, ea simulation (got cushing syndrome, yay us for rosc!), forgot my scrub pants so i borrowed from indah, the way back homd (PP motor) was hooot, cicil banifidi, talked with ara for 1,5 hrs abt mental health and past traumas lmaoo

6 - DL, cicil geri, read raise ga wa tanin ii

7 - formatif geri, originally meant to go to puri with atikah to get seirockya, but its closed. So we walked to lippo, got genki sushi takeaway, walked to carrefour where we parked, and on the way back atikah had this sudden idea of eating @ taman 45. So we did. We reminisced old memories while eating rice bowls and sushi at park. Sounded pretty great except its taman 45 lmaoooo. Took a nap at atikahs place and then i went back. Tried matcha cookie by Chips Chat Lexley, its too crumbly :(( the taste was so so

8 - was sooo drained i dunno why. Slept and lazed around until 11-ish after i managed to shower and eat. Rip stamina. DL. Formatif with stella manda, dr asti and dr fuady. Digorenggg. the dark chocolate cookie tasted quite good. Finally a cookie that did not fail

9 - helped ical and ara for simul kompre, e, DL, played among us with candra and solid, paused the game to do formatif ea lmao. i need to studyy aaa

10 - DL, my body felt tooo drained from 1 (one) exercise lol. Symptoms. Ordered mujigae and janjiw caramel latte 1L because 10 10 promo. lazed all afternoon. planned to run because it’s cloudy but wacana is life. Watched MOTS On:E with racheel. Gladi resik nemo. Saw hakken cosplay’s IG live. among us. i was an impostor with cibe (participant: 10) and i somehow won lmaoo. edited 2 pld article so i finally caught up! just need to wait some more articles from reporter

11 - DL, symptoms, wasted my time rereading vampire knight for the n-th time

12 - DL, QA KMKP, read banifidi while drinking janjiw caramel latte and on god coffee rly helps me to focus and not get sleepy, talked with ara abt her session with dr jiemi (emotion vs cognition)

13 - DL, there’s no class today uye, drank caramel latte janjiw at 11am and yall i somehow became productive. finished reading banifidi, 2Padi. 

14 - Became captain at simul today, kasus HPP, i forgot to put O2 wtf :((((, bought 2 1-L package from sbux dm after school, and with +15k you get green tea frappe so i sat there for a bit for DT, felt a bit better (like im a normal functioning person???? like i dont feel sluggish). cicil IKK, passed lvl 4 DL

15 - DL, nemo as 2nd operator, vanilla latte nyom, thats all folks unfortunately

16 - DL, theres no schedule today, woke up at 10 am, vanilla latte and cicil PT, cicil IKK (only did a bit today), among us and i was the impostor 4 times lmaoo

17 - symptoms, in the soop 7, e, read on/off its too hilarious!! Finished 1 sitasi kompre

18 - last in the soop ep :(, e, DL, tugas kasus harian geri

19 - DL, the table i bought has arrived!, cicil IKK, joined ukmppd course, started at 18:30, its now 22:36,  still 14 questions to go... 

20 - DL, qa discussion with group, bought some plastic shoe boxes online, its cheap and it is great, bcs my shoes used to sit there in plastic bags, organized some stuff in my room for a bit!! my metal rack looks less messy yay. dk ikk, les

21 - Started my day early (finished shower by 7:30), DL, finished 1 ltm ikk and 1 sitasi PT, JK went live in youtube with his long hair and undercut, and literally afterwards YG came on vlive playing guitar. Its a good day indeed :”) its cloudy today, just a perfect shared to listen to youtube’s lofi study playlist. Barely paid attention in today's les, i rly need to reread the forensic one

22 - DL, formatted qa docx, looong qa zoom, read the dops form, tidied up my stuff for tomorrow and while waiting for les the dumbass me didnt realize that the mic is on and i muttered "masker n95..." lmaoooo. Paid attention in les. Took a shower while leaving the zoom (q&a sesh) and turns out its finished at 22:45. Yalll the tutors dedication though

23 - simul, waited around a bit, bought halo bowl from grab since im at school all day, tried chicken pesto. made me feel full, tasted like a typical "healthy food", not too oily. OK in the afternoon, did not get dops (not surprised), was today years old when i found out you can park motorbike beside gedung putih. Went home while listening to kuliah guru besar. Passed out in the 2nd part of les (bedah). That adds more of my course debt lmao

24 - Im trying out habitica now so DL documentations will be moved theree, trying to add the habit of reading quran. watched in the soop behind and dalbang, watched the social dilemma halfway (message: careful of being the social media’s product), ate nayam, slept again and woke up at 5 pm, made status anes, les (the freshest ive been so far. maybe because its saturday night, there’s only about 25+ participating until the end from the usual 50+)

25 - woke up early and showered, slept again, ate breakfast at 12 pm with banana and 2 brownies i need sugaar, reviewed forensics (les), made half of ltm ikk wow im kind of proud, submitted asinkronus, eval nemo

26 - icu and simul, the way back home was pleasantly cloudy, slept and woke for les, read anti PT and oh my assisant since i cant sleep during the night

27 - did ikk ppt, read TO SOLID answers (i got 65 and i feel sooo stupid, but the grade somehow changed to 66 which means pass), slepttt during the afternoon, dk ikk was pending bcs dr Indri was still doing surgery at 18:00. Les

28 - Felt like doing nothing. Watched the latest dalbang, PT briefing, dk ikk, les. Thats it omgggg my time keeps flying away

29 - Started my day early (6:30am) since i slept all the time :):):)), finished 1 ltm ikk, tried truffle belly, the nanban one. good enough and the rice is not too much which is nice. i dont rly know how the truffle oil’s supposed to smell (ive tried tubo before but i still have no idea). chose wahana choice for MPI (bismillah!!), finished reviewing TO SOLID 1, les

30 - it took me a whole day to read 1 (one) sitasi PT but im still proud nonetheless, how did time flyyyy tf. You’d think that this 5 day “holiday” i would learn a lot for kompre (haven’t started) and quickly checked off my to do list. for les i pulled the table near my bed so i was half listening half reading Private Lesson while laying down lmao

31 - checked 2 acads to do (i feel like when i do things in advance there will be stuff that make me go "ah tau gt nanti aja"), bingeing romee strijd's YouTube and its miracle i dont feel like shit after watching it (they literally go do amsterdam from sg to put their bags and then theyll go to miami?!), afternoon nap coz i cqnt bring myself to study kompre, cicil kompre bismillah.docx, last day of les (im not strong enough to follow until the end, bailed halfway), read a bit of blood link lmao, WTF ITS NOV 15 MINS FROM NOW :((( (writing this after sheetmasking, its 23:42) still not prepared for ukmppd kompre God Help Me

And thats it for Oct! I feel like there were some terrible mood phases, some ok ones, and those rare days when im up and about and refreshed and feel like doing things (most days im a sloth). Hope to do (and feel) better in Nov

[monsterloveday]

Why I think ‘Before and After’ pics are actually really shit.

So I have wanted to blog this for probably over a year - but (with like so many of my other blogs) I have been putting it off in fear that people will get offended - its 2019, a time where EVERYTHING is offensive. But. Fuck it. Im talking about ‘Before and After’ pics (from fatter to thinner). So I'm not saying that if people are aiming for / have reached a goal that they shouldn't be proud, (especially if its for health reasons) or that people shouldn't be happy when they've really worked hard for themselves... What I don't like about them is the messages that can come with them. So in most cases, we have been taught that getting smaller is to be praised, and that getting bigger?, well that would be awkward to bring weight gain up because that is BAD, right?. So, it's usually that we glorify and congratulate people who are now seen as more attractive / improved because they are thinner, so what does that say about our outlook / attitudes toward them when they were their bigger selves? I have seen some people completely slate themselves in ‘Before’ pics and it saddens me. Even saying things ‘When I ate everything / When I was a complete porker etc’ So what will happen to your state of mind if you go back to that weight again one day? (were humans - life changes and we don't stay the same all of the time) I cant imagine anyone would put out a ‘Ive gone back to my bigger self’ before and after pics, can you? What if life completely kicks your ass and things get too much, you really struggle or you get a certain illness or you, you know AGE and you wake up THAT AWFUL UNACCEPTABLE size again? God forbid. (way to set yourself up to feeling like utter shit btw) I even see new mothers comparing their body to how it was before with shame and its like... YOU HAVE JUST CREATED A HUMAN INSIDE OF YOU, CARRIED IT AND DEVELOPED IT FOR NINE MONTHS AND PUSHED IT / HAD IT CUT OUT OF YOURSELF AND YOU THINK YOUR BODY SHOULD LOOK LIKE IT DID WHEN YOU WERE AN 18 YEAR OLD? It's so sad, unforgiving and unfair. (There are bigger things to life than the fear and shame of a few new stretch marks).  Whats more, is how are the people out there going to feel, who are the same size or bigger as your ‘Before’, currently? So. Many. Bad. Messages.

The main thing I don't like is how the pictures put out the impression of “Look how disgusting, unattractive and ugly I was, but look at me now! I am of value! and happier!”. But you were of value then too?. You were still gorgeous back then, you were just a different body type. You were still worthy, with a brain, a personality and heart, (and these things are the most important part of you) You were still you and being you is the most important thing you can do. (that totally rhymes). If we keep teaching ourselves that beautiful comes in only one body type - we are learning no lessons - STILL. If you are happier / healthier then fair play to you! but you were still a decent and beautiful human being then - like yourself, for bigger or smaller and that is the most attractive and appealing thing, it will shine out of you at every size. And that is where the proper beauty lies. (I totally rhymed again). Plus, it wouldn't matter if you got bigger again because you’d be like “Oh well I look damn good like this too, better go get some clothes for this version of my body then! - ps Im fit!”

You are fit, in any version of you - young, old, bigger, smaller. Work it. I saw a Before / After pic of Demi Lovato and it was like ‘PREACH!’. She said “I was beautiful then, and I am beautiful now” THAT is the kind of before and after picture I want to see more of. So be proud and happy in ANY size you may come to be without being degrading towards yourself or others. Its probably the best thing we can all do for ourselves. (me included!) My body has changed SOO many times throughout my life, and hating on it is such a battle, when I was younger I used to tell myself..  “As long as I don't get stretch marks on my belly, because that would be the WORST.” I now have a fuck load on my belly and I'm still alive?? I have stretch marks because of Polycystic Ovaries, Because of me over eating when my dad died - my body shows what I have been through - outwardly, it's my story. Lets just go with it and just be ok with it changing - just as our faces and everything else does!. Love you all - for bigger and smaller S’cuse me while I feel myself. Jay Monster

[krs724490]

2/20/19

This is so crazy. I know that I am a strong, capable girl who is living the most amazing life. I know that I am BARRELING toward improvement and living the life I want to. I work hard everyday to make decisions that will benefit me in the long run and make me a better person. and yet tonight, when im a little too caffeinated to sleep, i let myself slip. and i know EXACTLY why. i saw a video of the 22 year old girl that was on this season of survivor. the season that i was up to be on. she was perfect, a college athlete, beautiful. she was more accomplished than me in flashy ways. she had gotten injured and recovered from it. she had good social skills. compared to her i look like a hobo trying to get on survivor. i just dont have any of those big ticket things that i can say about myself and people will say, wow, now thats an interesting girl with a colored background. i compared myself to her and i felt sorry for myself and i let those casting directors define success for me. I let them tell me that i wasn’t good enough, and i believed myself to not be good enough. and i came down stairs and ate the whole fridge and cupboard (hard to spell). I forgot about my self worth. I forgot about how fucking strong I am. I doubted myself for a second. I let that in my head and i let it bring me down and i tried to use food to make myself feel better. now i am sitting on the couch FULL AS FUCK. writing about it. i had such a good day today with so much progress. and i know its not an uphill slope. it zigs and it zags just like marty said. i went through a lot with survivor. a lot with thinking about myself and having an ego. i also became a more confident person. i truly feel like i can speak and talk in front of anyone after talking to that room full of casting directors. there was no feeling like that. just knowing you’re walking into a room full of sharks, of big name TV executives, and being able to knock them on their asses. being able to show them who you are the best you can. ive taken so much from the experience. but i dont want it to sway how i feel about myself. they take such a personal look at you. i guess i didn’t realize how personal it would get and how it feels to not be chosen. how it feels to be chosen but then not chosen chosen. how it feels to be almost there but not quite t h e r e. ive come to realize over the past few weeks that my life without survivor is one that is overflowing with amazing things. i do not need survivor. survivor will actually make my life a lot tougher. leaving dan, becoming more in the public eye. it would change my whole entire life. i finally feel like im ready to just set it off to the side. accept that it was an insane experience to be at casting and it doesn’t have to be anything more than that. im content with who i am and where im going without survivor. it wont make me extra special. it wont make people love me. thats all my ego talking. i think the only part i was genuine about was seeing how well i would do in the game. i love the game. i want to see how well i can do. i think thats where the value lies in going out there. not in the things i think it does like being friends with the survivor people and posting on insta. another thing to note is that this is all in my head, none of it grounded in reality. id like to just bring myself back to the present, none of it containing survivor nonsense. id also like to say that i learned a lesson tonight about myself. about where i start to slip up and i start to slip up precisely in the moment that i quit believing in myself. when i think poorly about myself, i stop holding myself to a higher standard because i forget that im capable of attaining that higher standard. i feel like im on a path of self study and ive just hit a mile marker. like hm ok. noted.

[modiintrainguy]

Just another manic Sunday… well not so much manic as chilled.

But you get the point

Sunday, 03 December 2017, 3.49pm

On the train again

 So where were we.

Here.

I put a photo on Instagram just before when I was walking to the station in tel aviv with the caption “mood” in the middle and now im waiting for likes! To see if it got the attention I kindaof hoped it would. This is the social medea problem they speak of. Except im not really involved in it like the young generation

Cos that’s not me as jme says.

Anyway whats the thing. Went to dead sea, argued on the way there cos she wanted me to get out the car to take a photo at sea level and I was too tired and she was upset I didn’t make an effort and I was upset that she was upset.

In the end we carried on regardless, I guess fore the kids, while the tension never really went away.

Place was nice but expensive. Ein gedi kibbutz hotel is hardly a hotel. Just some cabins. Although when we wanted towels I called reception and they bought them quick. And the Friday night diner was very nice, especially the entrecote. The zoo was cute – I liked the giant tortoises but then I saw on facebook that this French girl I used to work with went to kibbitz zera jungle next to the kineret and u can touch the giant torotises.

 What else. Fear of missing out. Or more of having already missed out. We got to the ein gedi spa and ate food, well the kids did, so when we got to the pool it was like 2.40 and getting cold and all I thought was we should’ve got here earlier otr gone to the indoor pool in the kibbitx cos this place was horrible and full of russianss. The n it turned out the mrs left the littluns plugs in the car so I went to get them and on the way back I tried to say to myself to focus on the present. Whats going on in front of me but it was hard. In the end I went in the pool which was crazy cold at the start then kind of fine. And it was so cute playing with the kids. Then we got the little train to the beach and they played and I floated and chatted ot these English guys here on ho9liday.

So, lessons to be learned as I rush this cos were gonna get to paatey modiin sometime not that soon but not too long.

Actuallyits 3.56 so we’ve got a good 15 min in total!

Loadsa time.

What else. Went to work ate shit said I cant start eatring well and doing exerice till I feel ok. Did some work, not much, not too quickly, but enough.

I guess the work is going better than before. I feel comfortable and appreciated and I ;liked eating on the balcony last week for lunch on the highger floor.

Sad to hear more people lost their jobs at the old place although probably inevitable and they’ll be ok although what do I know.

I dunno what ive written but its way too descriptive.

Do I want to deal with things after kids go ot bed and before mrs comes home

Not really. Will i. maybe depending on what sports on telly.

Nice to hear people chatting about the beitar in the office and saying we have amaxzing foreigners. Tonight its hapoel jlm v mac ta in basketball. I can leave it on the in the ckaground.

I need to sleep early I think. Totday I was late, mahybe ill go even earlyier tomorrow.

Or do the get up at 5 and do walking with dog thing.

Who knows.

At least we’re getting the floor done. Apparently.

One day I’’ll look at payslips and stuff.

Sitting opposite cuteish girlish.

Who knows.

Important thing is the kids are the cutest and I want to go to London in January to meet the nieces

Will we all go or me and the littlun or none. I better work it out with the mrs this week cos theres no time like the present.

Oh yeah, kitchen fire. Was a mad ting as they say. No one got hurt, hob got a bit burnt and washing up bowl melted away.

Today we have development doctor at 5.40 and Debbie at 6. Dunno the difference but we’re going with botht the girls. We being me.

This blog feels pointless today. Im not exfoliatin my brain. Im rushing. Mahybe I try later when I go to bed.

Got some workds down but its more what happened than how I feel. How do I feel?

Right now im thyping with my eyes closed. Its kind of relaxing. I feel shaky but not oo bad. That’s what I would tell the psychiatrist. Ubt I need some real therapy but I cant dow it unless I know I cann afford it and once I know that wooooooooo I’ll feel a lot better although probably not as better as I tink I will. Its all in the mind I guess. My vision has just turned green. Nbnnottle green. This is strange. I should only tupe blind.

Gotta go. Eyes open onwardsisng

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/11/17

i had a ceremony this morning and it was so elevating and i wrote ashlars name on a post it note and something he did wrong on the back like not tell me he has a girlfriend then watched a women empowerment void of michelle obama and it was very empowering and meditated my chakras to clean out all that does not serve me and mediated and lit sage and wrote down a few things to empower me and make me feel great and honest and lit the sage and mediated and wow i felt fucking so good and clear and lit the piece of paper with his name on it and at first i was laughing like ok sage i dont know what I'm doing this is my first time doing it and making jokes then i got really serious and i was talking but it was like my mind was not comprehending it was something else saying these words like this energy and time i commit and engage into with this human being no longer serves me and the love i receive from them i can fulfill to myself on my own and the lack i receive it from them will not hinder me or bother me and just some really intense and important stuff.. such  great recommendation from amanda to tell me to do a sage ceremony . lots of cleansing was done .. and the grey skies are clearing up. it was a beautiful day .. and I'm excited for work tomorrow and to be in texas in just a few more hours! I'm going to work then pull an all nighter for like3  more hours then head to the airport!! I'm so excited so so so excited to be in texas and be with elena and mama and papa and go to spider house and epoch to do school work and write and journal and play electric guitar and keyboard and have time with my family and self and i gotta freaking do schoolwork dude I'm so freaking behind its ridiculous and I'm going to miss more school bc i lied to my parents about not having it and now I'm gonna be gone during thanksgiving week! i better do all the extra credit i can and all of the work! I'm really appreciative of jacob he's been my day 1 and i can express so much to him like how my heart is broken from ashlan and how i receive ups and downs with friendships here where in texas it was this wonderland bc guys would hang with me bc I'm cool and wed jam and skate but here guys just want one thing and idk maybe i went overboard but ive just grown so much here and never really opened my eyes to it or appreciated it but iw went from this little girl in texas that always just hung out with friends and ate out to being in california and being a yogini and learning so much so fast and choosing all the right things in my paths like not having sex with anyone bc i know myself and how special it is to me and to focusing on what i need to focus on and I'm just so excited to go back fucking home and play on an and and have thanksgiving with my family and see old friends and go to spider house to do school work and to epoch coffee and to just be in my fucking room and be so cleansed and awesome and fuck shit I'm so so so so so so happy and excited for life dude like its so good and i just need to catch up on school work and be super fucking focused on the work and get good grades this is basically the last semester of my general eds and i need to get this shit DONE AHHH life is so good and i feel like even being heartbroken by ashlan has helped a lot to help me realize it , it hopped me on thebans wagon and motivated me to be a musician again and pursue my full potential for some reason.. i told him last friday when i felt rejected and jealous of his girlfriend and him the first thing i wanted to do was go to guitar center and drum and i said i feel like the universe is telling me something from that AND IT IS AND IM LISTENING TO IT DAMN IT like heartbreak is achy and hurts but its motivation for now atleast like I've wrote song and played on the guitar bc of it like this is a stepping stone in my life this fucking experience dude. if ashlan fully embraced me and loved me and gave e attention i wouldn't be at this spot right now. my love for music would have no highlighted and the angel of music wouldn't have shined a light on me and gave me that song to randomly learn and play. “still together” by mac demarco, i fucking picked up the guitar when i got to the ashram while i was waiting for my tea to boil on the stove and my fingers landed wherever and my other hand strummed wherever and next thing you know I'm playing still together, i was like what the fuck is this song it sounds like something then BOOM i remember and its still together... ITS FUCKING CARLO BRO CARLO IS telling me we are still together and he still here and you know what FUCK IT if I'm alone guys are so tricky and they only want one thing and they just always play with me AND IT DOESNT MATTER BC I HAVE CARLO MUSIC AND YOGA AND MASELF dawg thats all i fucking need and of course my family and bbs and biggie and maya ooooh I'm so fuking excited TO SEE THEM TOO I LOVE MY DOGS I LOVE EVRTYHTING i was just so hung up on ashlan bc our touch and conversations had meaning and value and i  love him so much he cares and loves me so much but right now is not our time and ill be patient bc one day we will be together but right now is alive lesson and stepping stone ASHLAN IS SO SPECIAL TO ME I LOVE HIM but this situation has to happen to teach me what i want and to practice not being attached and aHOLY SHITMY JOURNEY JUST STARTED