#BUT IDK I THINK IF THEY RLY GO DEEPER ON THAT ASPECT OTHER THAN THE WHOLE SULLYS STICK TOGETHER ND APPROVAL ASPECT IT COULD BE RLY BEAUTIFUL

[ghostfires]

jake sully being a dadcore

[grimmcheems]

Inko au I came up with yrs ago….

AU where bakugou’s actions have consequences lmao. I only remember coming up with this yrs ago after thinking through all the terrible stuff Bakugou put Izuku through and it was more of a “what if” scenario, was even planning to write a fic with this concept in mind but never got to it and lost all my motivation to do so, especially with all the spoilers I’ve been getting about the series recently. I have not read the manga past Aoyama’s reveal and I think I’m going to keep it that way.

…..just realized I never added her freckles…..pretend you don’t see it……..

Will forever be a Bakugou hater and I will die on this hill. Also whole convo ppl are having about Aoyama rly peeves me when I take Iida’s past actions into account and the fact that there’s way worse people in the series yet ppl suddenly have so much to say when it comes to my bby Aoyama. That’s a conversation for another day though sigh.

Anyways. In this au Izuku’s low self esteem and inner demons win and, along with Bakugou ‘s relentless bullying, lead him to take his (Bakugou’s) earlier suggestion about the rooftop and it quickly becomes the worst case scenario. Let’s just say he doesn’t make it and Inko is left to mourn and try to piece together why it happened and what caused it. She eventually figures out that Bakugou had a hand in it and eventually she gains the resolve to cultivate a plan for revenge, not just for herself but for Izuku as well. She’s especially angry after finding out Bakugou is accepted into UA and it’s no longer just about getting revenge against him, but also holding society accountable for the way they treat quirkless people in general. It also delves deeper into the quirk aspect after she meets Toga and Spinner, as well as everyone else in the league or other villains that she meets that were more so driven out and mistreated because of their quirks (like Dabi).

Other than that, Aizawa also gets involved (idk why but he always makes his way into being a main character for my mha aus). Idk how much more to include on him since idk if I’ll be making some sketches or more art over this but he does become pissed once he finds out about Bakugou’s bad reputation before enrolling.

I added some silly stuff in between the serious parts. She does end up training her quirk and I do plan on making some sketches at least of that happening and she is also a caretaker alongside Kurogiri.

[narwhalandchill]

Honestly. thinking back on it (am mega late yes) even though i like. ultimately enjoyed going thru fontaine AQ as an experience in terms of its emotional core and payoff with characters like navia neuvillette n furina having very strong writing and characterization i do think the overall AQ lore and worldbuilding is probably the messiest in the entire game and feels like all of its opportunities and potential was underutilized the most and thats just. Unfortunate

like yes its inazuma thats the most infamous for how shitty and rushed its execution was (and rightly so) and yes it Also had its share of issues with nothingburgers like the whole statue thing going nowhere or how shoddily constructed the entire it-was-all-the-fatui deal was

but i still think it has a stronger ground to stand on like. all aspects of the story if just slightly differently written and centered around better in-lore reasoning and logic. Are internally consistent with the world ya know. and would have produced a good story. like it could be fixed easily. no need for me to go Full Rewrite here but like just to make a point:

a shut-in deity paranoid and trauma-stricken is ignorant to her peoples wishes and enacts an eternal rule that stifles their hopes and dreams. discontentment in the nation (NOT just the vision holders it shouldve been ALL inazumans divided on this i s2g) has been on the rise but only outside forces stoking the flames push it into overdrive as they seek to exploit the unrest to get the gnosis. couldve brought the whole "peoples faith powers the archon" if they wanted to pop off bc then the fatui by sparking the civil war are Directly weakening eis power like Thats solid! less ei was innocent and only the fatui led to the bad stuff more. ei is flawed makes shit choices and leaves an opening for their operations etc etc etc.

foreshadow signoras past and distrust of the gods in like a tense encounter or two early on (ritou maybe?) where she hints at a deeper reason behind her actions. no need to trauma dump just have her like idk mock us for seeking the archons for "help" in finding our sibling slash truth of the world and coincidentally use wording that directly alludes to what we already heard from dainsleif earlier abt the cataclysm and archons sus so its like an Oh Shit. she can namedrop or allude to venti to imply its personal or sth to further recontextualize her actions in mondstadt as well.

and so on. like then fixing the rebellion (ppl join for other reasons than just the VHD so its a more common cause etc maybe some ppl dont care abt the decrees as much but the drafting of civilians into the ever expanding war effort goes too far) and stuff like that. inazuma had the ingredients for a consistent good story they just fumbled it completely

whereas fontaine tells like. a much stronger and more hype emotional core journey for its focal points as u go thru them but also it just. Genuinely falls apart if you poke at the setting and world for a bit too long its really just swiss cheese and that sucks

like as much as i Do love the narwhal in a very normal and sane way i still think story wise it absolutely goes into the signora tier of mishandled AQ boss fights except Even worse than hers bc. signora Fits inazuma even if she was handled poorly. but with the narwhal (and by extension childes entire presence as happy as i was to see him at all) its just... kinda random? and got pretty much brushed aside even during the AQ like we get the opera hall cutscene and then theres a THIRTY MINUTE cutscene with focalors before the actual fight happens like way to just. eliminate any urgency from the situation bruh. and then at the end both the narwhal and childe kinda just got plot deviced into hyping up skirk and surtalogis name drop. which rly fucking sucks. 99.7% of fandom never reads the AQ fight boss drop to consider the narwhals a sentient thinking feeling entity and not just a dumb big pet bc skirk called it that etc.

childe in general i dont think im necessarily like. as negative on the way he was handled as some ppl are (tho the general sentiments are 100% shared) but its still very much like. a disappointment w his lack of presence and voiced lines and in terms of how a lot of the intrigue set up in the AQ Especially the oratrice judgement just got shrugged off all "who knows 🤷‍♀️" like Are You Serious. and also p much using him as a neuvi hype device like . I saw it i knew ppl were going to be insufferable abt it & was right

i also saw a comment talking abt how childe Being the purple guy inside the narwhal just corrupted or sth wouldve given him a more heightened presence during the boss fight and while im a hater of that concept for other reasons (mostly the. narwhal must have malicious designs for ajax thing) i cant disagree with that take in terms of the story aspect. like if the narwhal ate him when he fell back in (which i kinda? assume mustve happened lmao like where did he Go 😭😭) it Wouldve been a much greater moment for sth like that to be there.

But bc i personally dont like the Brainwashed Puppet Angle i think how id have done it is just. sure make the purple guy more reminiscent of ajax n his fight style maybe even FL . But. feature an actual fucking cutscene in the stomach of us realizing its Not Him. but instead its the Narwhal Emulating Him as a spectral summon thingy. bc it ate his dumb unconscious ass for safekeeping or w/e and is now copying his homework of "use a manifestation of the other as a combat technique" (v romantic btw. soulmates real). like DUDE we had childes earlier AQ appearance Actively Bring Up this EXACT thing! he uses a hydro construct mimicking the narwhal as a combat technique bc of how their encounter rewired his brain chemistry. and now the narwhal needs to improv a more humanoid angle to combat in its stomach after it ate us. so like pov ur the narwhal whats the closest point of reference to draw from at that moment?

Oh Right. the guy ur been fighting for 40+ days . Your guy (derogatory) 💀 like they have a telepathic link who knows if it could just straight up cross reference Our combat moves from the flashes its getting from childes memories of seeing us in action and utilizing that.

like it wouldve been so sick and still left the nature of their connection relatively open ended. like it ate him skirk would be separating them at the end and maybe comment on it a bit and his whereabouts during the entire thing wouldve been Way Less confusing. The knight dude being a mimic of ajax' battle technique would thematically connect to the golden house fight and his hydro whale technique and its just. the current electro dude is just so Huh. like its a good jumpscare and i love the OST obviously but it getting No Lore NOR cutscene sucks so bad

(And like if they wanted the combat design to be so that theres no cutscene interrupting the transition between being swallowed and entering the stomach phase just make it an AQ exclusive one. and if we cant have traveler talk and logistics of bringing paimon/neuvi to make the shocked observation of "is that.... him? no... its just an imitation???" or w/e . Just have us FLASH BACK to childes own fucking dialogue as the phantom him is summoned to face us where he mentions 1) traces of the narwhal on him and 2) the basis behind his hydro summon technique. so traveler can have a silent !!!!!! Realization that he got ate or whatever and now his narwhal is stealing his ideas jsjskdksirigkf)

Anyway i swear this wasnt just abt those two im so sorry . but like yeah its just a fucking shame and also the narwhal being just like . Means to an End in the prophecy feels kinda meh but like i dont have a solid idea on how that would even rly be fixed but yeah. underutilized my both beloveds

Back to fontaine general stuff tho i kinda do think that . hoyo almost missed the trees for the forest w it all if u will excuse the mid metaphor . like they told a very strong emotional story w neuvi and furina and navia But it came at the cost of a highly illogical lore and worldbuilding and its just An Issue if u dwell on it even a little bit and its rly a shame

like they were going for this justice theme of maybe AI justicebot is not The Way (TM) and people viewing court as a spectacle rather than a show of justice but then went never fucking where with it in terms of Maybe This Needs Changing . they made that entire champion duelists a thing despite it being So fucking stupid fundamentally like it just relies on nobody with enough raw power to just solo any duelist ever getting into the ring

(no credit for this tho this was a comment thread i ran into on leaks sub. there was also a point made abt how childe dueling and winning against clorinde when hes accused wouldve been such a great moment of like both showcasing clorindes role and linking to their earlier sparring and holding back thing and also that maybe the system sucks when this is possible and while i get the story needed him in jail so he can reunite w his narwhal . im now mad this didnt happen. give him a W in combat hoyo.)

like theres this entire thing about flawed justice in fontaine that is present in the 4.0 story but then it just...... Disappears. Bc AI justicebot was anti celestia archon deleter all along and it finished its job so its no longer a fundamental ethical issue for the legal system and fontaines ppl to grapple with and confront shit like childes sentencing. And furina wanted dramatic trials bc of what she was told by focalors but since she retires its now just neuvillette whos super fair so everything is fixed .

im not as big of a hater of act III as some but like thinking abt these things further makes me like it less and less like Yes they wanted this meropide vs regular fontaine dichotomy explored and all but thinking of it is just. i wonder how worthwhile the opportunity cost was in there (i have no correct answer btw)

bc . if you keep the childe jailed bc justice AI bot. they shouldve shown the people responding to it . bc that entire highly controversial judgement is Literally accompanied by the solving of the serial disappearances case AFTER multiple ""culprits"" had already been imprisoned for it which i actually forgot (thanks same reddit comment for reminding me) like Whats with those people then????? and just. Everything to do with the entire case including childes deal shouldve been a much bigger social upheaval anyway like ik stuff like furinas SQ shows ppl personally affected in the aftermath but i mean in bigger scale.

And Then if we like run a bit with this alternate hypothetical idea of childe no diffing the court system (clorinde im sure youre powerful but like i put more faith in those ruin guards that lasted 4s against FL than u girl) so hes simultaneously kind of a criminal let off scot free but also its so stupid to think a guy thats like 25 at most is involved in a 20yr old solved case it couldve been actual source of political discord. and like if you need to get him to the narwhal for plot reasons its Rly Not That Hard theyre obsessed with each other bro gets pinged a whale call once and its like yes honey we jailbreak for reunion tonight (hes going to throw hands Immediately bc hes the toxic battle maniac one). also yes ik they wrote it weird so technically ajax cant duel after the oratrice decides hes involved which is major intrigue point (that canon wasted but oh well) but like. they couldve written differently idc. he couldve even gone off investigating why AI bot considers him guilty on his own and then jeepers!! speedrun glitchless any% spawned into the primordial sea!! hes missing! but like this isnt a well articulated idea whatsoever lmao im just winging some shit

meropides existence in general was also just weird. again i enjoyed the character writing it enabled for wrio and the HotH trio and despite disliking childe just being MIA i do like how the storytelling around his escape expands on his social intelligence and street smarts still. but as an entity the fortress is just sorta there as a system that Obviously shouldnt be Like this when its literally the other side of the coin to fontaines Already dubious legal system but then they went the whole. its a gathering place for exiles (still a prison)!! a home for those alienated by the surface world after so long (so why KEEP them in there that long)!!!! protectors of egerias secret (okay Sure. but whats the need post prophecy then)!!!! And its like. okay im not about to uhh. overstep my understanding of the risk a chinese company limited by often nebulous and inconsistent censorship would take if they went for a full on prison reform/abolishing angle w the writing like i dont think that was in the cards. But it still means meropide as a system just falls apart if u think abt its existence critically At All and its hard to say whether fontaines writing omitting sth like it entirely wouldve ultimately been better for the overall focus of the story anyway. but yeah

and its just. im sure theres even more that i havent even noted here (logistics of nobody drowning in the flood & rest of teyvat being unaffected etc etc) bc this is just a rant ramble not a coherent analysis but my point in all of this is that the abundance of issues like these just kinda add up so that by the end its kinda like fontaines simultaneously the AQ that id say has the highest highs in terms of its best moments and strongest emotional beats and how much heart it carries . Like im not taking that away from it.

but its also the AQ with like genuinely the messiest fucking groundwork in lore and larger worldbuilding implications whose aftermath leaves the most plot threads barely explored or just discarded altogether by the end and its just?? Such a weird mess like i very much enjoyed it despite the problems and for me it still overtakes sumeru in many aspects but i cant pretend those problems arent there . like consistency of writing and lore accounted for sumeru is still the best AQ

(oh also. the fact that to my knowledge no fucking fontaine NPC Ever reacts to the events throughout the AQ is fucking insane. like other nations could get away w sth like that better but. THE ENTIRE NATION FLOODED. How the fuck arent they talking. ppl in meropide post act IV abt the close call. ppl who saw the narwhal in the opera house in V. Like . HUH???)

but yeah its . A weird situation w fontaines writing as a whole . & yes im giga late to the discussion HSJSJSKSI but oh well thats my brain for ya

[bbelphie]

astra, i feel like we don’t know you at all!! say, can you tell us who is your most favorite character in obey me, and who is the least? love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

ok so THIS was difficult snxjms and as you asked afterwards, i also added why i feel this way way about them! love u 💖 sorry this turned out long tho

my list:

BELPHEGOR — i mean, it’s kinda obvious, right? (cough bbelphie is the name of the blog) ever since the start of the game, i wandered about who the fuck that resting bitch face boy was. like, honestly curious. when we met him at the attic, the first thing i thought about belphie was how manipulative he was, and although i’d have hated him, his situation and the game’s universe in general made me reconsider my choice. i found out that he was so much more complex than what i first thought of him. and i LOVE characters like that. belphegor had his reasons, his own past and way of seeing things and i just wanted to know him better, not just because i was curious, but because i’ve grown to like him, in a way. it wasn’t instantaneous, but i kinda saw that coming, you know? i’m not sure if i can explain well how i feel about him (i can’t express my feelings well in any way cof) but belphegor was the character that i was most eager to know about. (ouch i have so many other things to say about him) also he’s a sassy little shit and i love him for that.

MAMMON — the fact mammon was with us since the beginning is a big part of this place (but not the only one). and yeaaah, i know he was a little bitch about looking after mc and i was also blinded by my prejudice against personality based characters like him (narcissist, arrogant, show off) but then we get to know him better. mammon has so much more sides of his personality than that. (besides being a tsun tsun) so by that scene when we were competing against levi and lucifer saved us because mammon couldn’t make it in time, mammon was like “next time I will be the one saving you!!” i was already “YES YOU IDIOT I LOVE YOU TOO” and it was just downhill from there.

SATAN — honestly? he’s my type. the intellectual one, cat lover, fan of mystery and detective books and all that shit made me fall for him, hard. and then i saw his backstory and i fell for him EVEN HARDER. he has sooo much i want to know about! behind the facade he wears constantly in front of everyone there was so much more than the sin he’s avatar of. his arc was one of the lessons i loved the most, without doubt. though i wished the devs had gone deeper into his character, like uhhh i don’t know how to elaborate on this, but i feel we scratched only the surface of who satan really is. (besides that, satan def would be a beast in bed and my hcs about that does’t end)

LEVIATHAN — ahh it was too difficult to choose between him and beel. but i relate to levi quite a lot — animes, self depreciation, manga and all that stuff. he striked me as someone i wouldn’t like so much at the beginning but i’ve grown to love him. that was because of... well, i know envy is the deadly sin he’s avatar of, but man it’s annoying sometimes dnbfxk however! i love him either way. i just think that he should appreciate more things in life instead instead of putting himself down but who i am to talk? i used to be like that and i still am, just not as much. that must be most of the reasons of why i want to be by his side and reassure him that not everything in life is unfair, but can also be a way to make ourselves stronger. taking that emotional shit aside, i love his fanboy side!! i rant a lot about the things i like, especially animes and mangas, and seeing him so enthusiastic about things like that makes me feel like with him, i would act like myself the most.

BEELZEBUB — i love himbo!!! the giant, strong one that looks like he could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll? yes, sign me the fuck in. he’s the sOFTEST i swear to god almost all the scenes that made my heart explode with love was with him. when he asked to hold your hand while sleeping because he’s afraid of having any more nightmares about lilith and belphie and their fall from the celestial realm made my heart go BOOM. i would do ANYTHING for this boy 😭😭 beel was first i warmed up to in the game! i was gonna put him in the fourth place with levi but it would be too long.

LUCIFER — hhh this guys right here. ngl i was intimidated as fuck at first. but then i saw how he was family driven, always putting their safety and well being first and overall just being a loving brother, tho very discretely. and bruh characters like that are my DEATH??? he is so soft for the ones he loves and would do anything in his power to make them be safe and sound, even if it takes some sacrifices. i was touched by his past, how he had to hide so much from his brothers because he felt he should carry his burden alone. i especially love when lucifer tears off that prideful and powerful facade and shows that he’s capable of loving and being vulnerable and just idk man it just hits home im gonna cry

ASMODEUS — baby boy. lusty boy. ntt solmare did him dirty. he deserves SO MUCH MORE!! asmo has so much potential to be a favorite if only they had developed him better. that arc of his when we make a pact with him was lacking, in my opinion. the devs could have gone deeper into his character, showing that his not just a personification of lust, only its avatar. i’m sure there are different sides to his personality, you know? we’ve been seeing hints throughout the story and devilgrams (most of the time they’re very subtle!!) that asmo needs or/and constantly wants to feel loved, wanted, desired and/or admired. that could be a trauma or something of the sort that was created after his fall from the celestial realm. however this theory of mine is not full developed yet so i can’t really tell you guys about it in more detail. i still love him nevertheless!!

others characters:

SOLOMON — he is shady. and powerful. i love that. besides that, i think i may have a thing for white haired characters. but really, i love this guy, don’t know how but i do. there’s a lot i wanna know about him, and i feel he’s hiding or planning something big. and maybe evil. but ngl his interactions with asmo are the best!!

SIMEON — ara ara baby. i’m 100% in love with him. simeon is someone really good to have as a favorite honestly. even if he doesn’t get much screentime, anyone would realize that ever since the beginning he’s a very truthful person, with calming and chill vibes. i don’t know how to explain it well but with all the shit the brothers make mc go through, it wouldn’t be a surprise if you find yourself overwhelmed, and simeon is exactly the kind of person that makes you feel heard and seen; his atmosphere has this effect of making people feel at ease.... cough cough anyways a little bit nsfw but to me he’s either really kinky (without noticing or even knowing anything about kinks) or super innocent. that’s pretty much why i’ve seen this 50/50 aspect appearing constantly with his stans. p.s: not to be lewd but i wanna hold his hand 😳

LUKE — he’s my baby brother. i adopted him.

DIAVOLO — there’s so much of this guy we haven’t seen yet!! i know he’s like a cool dad and all but bruh, he’s the next demon king!! he must be a excelent strategist and is more powerful and intelligent than he lets on. i saw so many theories about diavolo, but my favorite so far is the one where diavolo kinda caused the celestial war indirectly. he’s another character that i feel we’ve only scratched the surface.

BARBATOS — everything about him screams “SUSPICIOUS”, he just hides it better than solomon. ngl i was rly curious about him and his powers and then i discovered he has control over TIME?? that’s too overpower!! but damn, i do love characters with time control powers...(victor from mlqc im looking at you) sometimes he looks like a dead fish. sometimes he looks hot. i don’t know bruh i’m half scared and half aroused by this guy.

that’s pretty much it i think? lmao there’s so much more i wanna say about them but this is all that comes to my mind right now!

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[jeonfinite]

end of the year fic meme

total number of completed stories: 5 total word count: 51225

Overall Thoughts Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? I wrote way more than I predicted bc I never thought I’d produce fic at all, but I actually published a oneshot or chapter at least once a month since june. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? I would’ve never guessed I would become 100% certified jinkook trash this yr and would’ve laughed in your face if you told me otherwise lmao. I didn’t even know who jungkook was until feb!! in fact despite always having a soft spot for bts and following all of their music releases I was like actually ‘I don’t think I’ll ever truly stan them’ lmfao. my life is a joke. What’s your own favorite story of the year? forever yours. it’s basically everything I ever want to happen in a fic. seokjin as an academy award winning actor? jinkook writing a song together? jinkook going on cute dates and continually supporting the other as they fall deeper in love? ugh my heart. the idea is so dear to me and it’s my baby. and even tho bangtan disbanded in the fic, they all found their own success and they’re rly close friends. I fucking love the ending too omg. I did my best to make it rly gratifying and make up for all the stuff jungkook went through earlier. plus I love fics based on idol/band verse, canon/divergence/future fic and I liked weaving in canon elements to it. it makes it feel more real imo.

Did you take any writing risks this year? uh, not rly? other than writing and publishing my first fic ever. and I guess actually shading big hit/bang pd lmao. as far as I know of, no one has done that before? and multiple ppl have called me brave for doing so lol. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year?

to try to write longer fics I guess. there’s this 10k fic I’ve been planning forever but still haven’t gotten around to even tho I kept meaning to write it next lol.

From my past year of writing what was… My best story of this year: definitely forever yours. honestly sometimes I feel like it’s my peak lmfao. like I will never able to match some of those descriptions ever again. whenever I’m struggling to write something and I go back to it I’m like HOW DID I WRITE THIS?? and when ppl tell me I’ve made them cry and laugh omg. I almost don’t believe it. I don’t think any of my fics have elicited such a reaction and I think it’s the one that affected me most. I hurt my own non existent heart. My most popular story of this year: forever yours lmao. not only does it have the most hits/kudos/comment/bookmarks, but it’s the fic I most often see ppl reccing, screaming about, and quoting on twitter. I love it tho. pls continue screaming about it and @ me!! The story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: lights go on again. it’s gotten the least attention of all my fics so far. idk if it’s bc ppl are sick of me already or if I rly offended that many ppl by insulting their precious bang pd oppa lmao. also yo where all the jin stans at? I thought at least they’d appreciate its contents lmao.

but also rollin’ the deep bc I actually like that one a lot now and it’s the second least popular lol. but it’s on par with light me up and I expected that based on the content. ofc the fics with jin winning an oscar and shitting on the mother/son trope would gain the most traction so I’m not surprised. The most fun story to write:

us against the world! the idea of everyone hitting on jin and jungkook getting jealous was too good to pass up. I had so much fun writing taehyung’s scene omfg. I actually started it with it lmfao and it seems like most ppl agree. hoseok’s always makes me laugh and ngl I feel like a genius whenever I reread that fic lol. :’) definitely my peak humor and probably the funniest/crackiest thing I’ll ever write.

Story with single sweetest moment?

it’s a tie with forever yours’ birthday scene and light me up’s christmas decorations. but overall rollin’ the deep made me melt the most with how overwhelming sweet it was. I live for soft sweet jinkook doing grossly romantic things for each other ok. The story with the single sexiest moment:

jungkook wearing lingerie in light me up, definitely :x tho the smut scene in forever yours is infinitely better imo. I will unfortunately never able to write a smut scene that good again but I think it’s the intimacy of the moment and the way it’s written that makes it so special, hence why I like it so much. The most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:

idk? me attempting smut even tho I’m terrible at it? quoting myself I actually said “writing sex is honestly so hard already I would never waste my time writing it just for the sake of it if it didn’t have any meaning” yet the smut in light me up was the first scene I started writing. I am a goddamn hypocrite lol. but it’s sth I thought I’d never be able to write bc a few years ago I would get so embarrassed by the idea and would want to throw myself off a cliff at the thought lol. The story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

none of them rly. I just write jinkook like I how see them. their interactions just come so naturally to me that it’s one of the easiest and most fun things to write in my fics. The hardest story to write: honestly… light me up. all my fics get rly hard to write one point and I always start off hating the first drafts bc they’re complete garbage but I fucking suffered the most writing that one. literally took fucking forever to wrangle the sex scene into what it was. it was hot ass fragmented mess that I had to slowly unravel and reorganize one sentence at a time. I didn’t even want to look at it bc it was so bad lol. and two of the most pivotal points; the lights  and lingerie were awful at first so I struggled to make them good enough to rly stand out and to a standard I was pleased with. and transitioning the first scene into the second one where jinkook kiss under the snowfall and the ending were fucking hell too. you can ask kaleidotears, I was bitching to her the entire time lmao. albeit vaguely bc I didn’t want to spoil anything. I started a month in advance bc it usually takes me that long to produce something and as the date approached closer I was lowkey panicking and almost thought I wouldn’t make it lol. The biggest disappointment:

lights go on again. not only is the reception lackluster compared to my other fics, but it’s honestly the weakest thing I’ve written so far. I’m seriously considering orphaning it but idk :( The biggest surprise: idk. I was honestly fucking shellshocked when us against the world got over 1000 hits in less than 24 hrs tho. I never expected that kind of reaction, especially for my very first ever fic. I honestly thought no one would want to read my fics lol. but also when ppl say I’m their favorite or one of their favorite authors?? like in what in the hell. I consider myself an amateur bc I have never written consistently before in my life. I’m new to the whole fic writing scene. I’ve actually spent the majority of my life hating my writing lmao. or when ppl praise things I think I’m shit at lol. I also like rollin’ in the deep a lot more than I thought I would considering it was just a dumb fluff piece to satisfy my thirst. I wrote the first 1300 words in a waiting room and I was like I don’t have to make this perfect bc it’s stupid fluff but I legit melted writing it. oh and publishing the first chapter of forever yours in two weeks after my first fic. how in the hell did I ever write 9k that quickly I will unfortunately never able to do that again.

The most unintentionally telling story:

I’m not sure what this even means? a lot of myself does bleed into my stories I think. like even if the mood varies depending on the scene I feel like my voice carries through? they just sound like me and it’s something that can’t be repicated lol. like my fics have a shit ton of cussing which is part of it lmao. but also sometimes I give jinkook aspects of myself like seokjin doing aegyo and being clingy when drunk (which is actually real omfg I’m a genius sorry) and jungkook not realizing when other ppl like him. also by reading my fics you can tell which groups I stan, what foods I like, etc. and ofc when I start waxing poetic about their looks or voices or talents that’s all me lol. Highlights + Wrap-up Favorite Opening Line(s): “And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to… Kim Seokjin!” — forever yours; ch1 twenty four

The world is fucking taunting Jungkook.— forever yours; ch2 fiction

Jungkook feels sick. Bile mounts up his throat; it tastes like bitterness, hurt, betrayal, anger, resentment, and heartbreak, flowing through him in chaotic discord. His voice breaks underneath the staggering weight. — forever yours; ch3 smile, again

they’re all from forever yours lmao. the first one is for very obvious reasons but the other two I find the most riveting. I tend to start my fics with dialogue or with “seokjin/jungkook …” bc I’m so creative lol Favorite Closing Line(s): they lose themselves in each other until the world fades till there’s nothing but seokjin and jungkook, just their mouths and bodies and hearts uniting into one against the world. — us against the world

I’m forever yours. — forever yours

I like connecting the endings to my titles clearly lmao. but those endings are the strongest and the ones  I’m most proud of. the other ones are all kind of similar and end with jinkook in a bed saying I love you haha. Favorite 5 10 Lines from Anywhere:

it’s relatively quiet outside and the weather is beautiful; the clear, azure skies provide an obstructed pathway for the gleaming sunshine to burn the foliage in a palette of fiery crimsons, rich golds, and vibrant oranges. the oppressive summer heat has finally faded into a cool, refreshing breeze with the advent of autumn. seokjin tugs jungkook into his side for a surge of warmth as they amble towards the car, the crisp air nipping at their skin, rustling through his bunny ears, and fallen leaves crunching beneath their feet. — rollin’ in the deep

Snowfall blankets the landscape like an instagram filter, casting a creamy, dreamy lighting over the scenery. It looks like they stepped into a fairytale. — light me up

Jungkook hums sweetly, toying with the strands of hair behind Seokjin’s nape. The melody is so soft and sweet like a souffle that Seokjin wants to devour it—so he does, capturing Jungkook’s lips and licking the inside of his mouth. — light me up

The parade marches through as they eat, a symphony of prismatic floats and musical instruments decorating Main Street with whimsy. Seokjin sways alongside the music and Jungkook joins him, their bubbling giggles adding another layer of sound to the percussion. — forever yours

Seokjin is so beautiful but he’s never been more gorgeous than when his chiseled, naked body and pink strands glisten with sweat while thrusting deeply into Jungkook, dark eyes smouldering with lust and headiness, handsome face contorted in concentration intent on pleasuring Jungkook, and plush, pretty, pink mouth falling open as melodic sounds escape his lips, sweeter than his blessed high notes. It’s too much for Jungkook. — forever yours

“You’re gorgeous. My beautiful baby boy. Sweet marshmallow bunny.” — light me up

the bright white of the headband contrasts with his dark hair, haloing a soft crown of light around him, and coupled with the afterglow of his orgasm, he looks angelic. seokjin tells him as much and he flushes a pretty pink, a perfect complement to his ivory rabbit ears. — rollin’ in the deep

jungkook licks his lips as they stroll past a lone vendor selling hotteok, and when seokjin kisses him, cornering him in the enshrouding, secluded thicket of maple trees, seokjin tastes sweet like brown sugar, like cinnamon, like the warming comfort of fall spices and home-baked treats. — rollin’ in the deep

It’s empty this late at night, their only company being the summer breeze rustling through their clothes and the mild rippling of the waves. The water glitters beautifully underneath the stars in the darkness but it pales in comparison to the way the moonlight dances off Seokjin’s freshly dyed pastel hair to illuminate his gorgeous features. He looks magical, bright eyes sparkling and pink strands shimmering. — forever yours

The kiss is everything Jungkook dreamed and fantasized about but beyond his imagination. Seokjin tastes like coffee and chocolate and cream, their dessert lingering on his tongue, and Jungkook licks up every last morsel of flavor. He can’t get enough; Seokjin is so sweet and soft and warm against him like a freshly baked cake. He’s addicted. He wants more. — forever yours

also the iconic:

“Fuck PDogg hyung and Bang PD hyung” — forever yours

you know what this is too fucking hard. I’ll do a separate post with my top 5 lines from each fic. these are just 10 lines I’m particularly fond of and rly wanted to highlight bc no one else has.

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

1. JUNGKOOK WEARING LINGERIE AND BUNNY EARS but particularly the part with jungkook sitting on seokjin’s lap growling he’s sexy and seokjin laughing at him for being adorable. literally if my drawing skills were good enough and I had a tablet I would fucking illustrate this myself

2. seokjin gifting jungkook diamond studs on the balcony underneath fairy lights and the seoul night sky

3. jinkook kissing under the snowfall and surrounded by christmas lighting + decorations

4. jinkook holding hands while walking outside in the fall foliage and seokjin kissing jungkook in a thicket of maple trees

5. JINKOOK PERFORMING THEIR FUCKING DUET AT JUNGKOOK’S SOLO CONCERT

+ bonus sakura petals swirling around seokjin with seokjin cornering jungkook against a tree to swipe stray ice cream off his lips and licking it off his thumb and watching the fireworks at disneyland with seokjin’s head nestled onto jungkook’s shoulder and arms wrapped around his waist.

Fic-writing goals for 2018: to finally write the ideas on my ever growing list. my last three were completely unplanned and were random spur of the moments. but I wanted to write something for jin’s bday. I could’ve written something short from my list but I wanted to do christmas lights and jungkook in lingerie so :x also to take my sweetass time until I’m perfectly happy with everything before publishing and not rushing out fics anymore. I’ve learned that when I try to write something as fast as possible for others—it goes wholly unappreciated like the last chapter of forever yours and light me up. like half of the original commenters disappeared despite finally getting the happy ending they cried for and being so excited for the fic? lol idk what happened but there’s no way I could’ve messed up the last chapter that badly… but yeah it’s just not worth the stress lmao. ppl just don’t understand the effort, time, and pain it goes into producing something.

[essentiallazyfangirl]

my inner struggle while watching riverdale

contains spoilers, if you haven't watched season one yet

firstly, i want to say that i know that the shipping thing is not the main aspect of the riverdale series and I love the series for so many more reasons. also i know shipping them doesn't influence anything and them ending up together won't mean there's a happily ever after i know that. anyways, i'm struggling whether you should ship Jughead/Betty or Archie/Betty and i've noticed so many things about these two ships, I wanted to summarize and share with you.

jughead/betty

okay so betty comes up to jughead and asks him for help. he always felt invisible and obv has some self esteem issues which he hides with his extinct kind of sarcastic humor, but she noticed his ability to watch others and come to the right conclusions and wow

they spend so much time together and they even have wordless conversation as you can see in this scene:

okay also she calls him juggy?? how cute is that even?

and it's so cute when he randomly shows up at her's and kisses her and at first i wasn't sure if she had feelings for him like he obv had for her, but it develops you know

also look how shy he is around her? they even shared kisses, but the first on screen hug is happening so late?? (dammit i should have noted the episode numbers for this post)

oh and to that he is being shy around her, you all remember that scene when he's dressed in that suit and he comes in to betty and he's like daaaaaamn and she also likes what she sees and they view each other and aaaaaaaaahhh

okay when jughead and betty had this fight at Jughead's birthday he said that the differences were too much for their relationship (he also said something else i'll come to that later) and all i could think was 'you don't mean it, you love her idiot'

later they promise each other to never let these differences also the riverdale/southside thing come between them (maybe that changes when he joins the serpents, but idk the jacket suits him??)

veronica calls them soulmates?

also when jughead finds out that veronica and archie investigated against his dad he feels so betrayed and betty is so eager to let him know she never would betray him and never would want to hurt him and you see how much jughead and her relationship to him means to her in that scene tbh

and last but not least they told each other they loved each other no but he tells her and when she answers he looks so happy and wow there was some passion in that following scene right

oh i should not forget to mention the now out-dated assumption of jughead being asexual, which might lead to persons feel strange about shipping him. i can totally understand this, but i'd like to redirect to this article, in which cole sprouse himself said that this jughead is not that jughead and for me i just want this Jughead to be happy (also i've neer read these archie comics sry)

archie/betty

as i love jugheads character this is so hard to type, but betty and archie might be meant for each other. they are neighbours and classmates since forever and she falls for him.

plus kevin says so and he is pretty close to both of them

yeah he had this thing with mrs. grundy, but when v asks him about what that thing is he doesn't really know and when mrs. grundy leaves town he doesn't seem to be that hurt.

okay betty and archie have this talk in episode one or two and it did occur to me that he also fell for her but says she is too perfect for him. and 'i can't give you the answer you want' doesn't mean 'i don't love you', right? but of course betty believes that because that how girls roll right? she is afraid of losing him as a friend and is also insecure about her feelings (i think so, because yeah it's kinda threating their friendship right?) and when it seems that he doesn't return she represses her feelings and also shuts him down when he wants to talk about the possibility of them being a couple (when they walk to school together, i thought that) which he only does because i think he's insecure too as he thinks he's not good enough for her

to this i need to add that i still hate the fact that Betty just walked away after this talk, i think there were so many more unspoken things left, which might have lead to Betty and Archie ending up together

i mean you remember their cuteness at pop's??

also archie wanted to talk to betty, but had to deal with so much other stuff (remember when the principal came up to him when he wanted to go after betty?) and i guess himym is true, timing's a bitch

okay the say it's better for them to be friends, but somehow that sounded fake, didn't it?

also to that paragraphe: betty being to pure for archie isn't even true, which he might discover when he hear's about 'her dark side'

okay when archie and veronica talk about betty and jughead archie wants to tell her something but is interrupted by the phone ring i still guess he wanted to break up with v because he realized it felt wrong and possibly he realized he really has romantic feelings for betty??

idk really know if it happens before or after that talk to veronica but archie and betty have this talk in riverdale high when he hints at him and betty getting together, and she says 'we should be happy for whom we have' or something like this, but does that mean she only wants archie and v and her and jughead together bc she thinks it's the right thing to do or what?

this is btw the other thing jughead said in that fight at his birthday. he accuses betty to have deeper feelings for archie than she has for him and that she would prefer archie when archie would come up to her and change his mind. and that that's a possibility is a thing he must know as archie's best friend right?

here i also don't now when this happens but when archie is feeling down bc of betty even veronica says 'your thing is not over yet' whaaaaat

when archie sings at the homecoming dance he looks at betty and she returns the look??

i rly don't know.

[checkyesifulikeme]

this is just me being emo over my boyfriend because a month or so ago we decided today’s our one year and i Love him so you don’t need to read this like at all but if you want to....b my guest! 

i never in 1 million years thought i would meet someone like dorian. NEVER. never never never. listen. the ~year or so before we met was my first time being single and feeling completely okay. feeling happier than i’d ever felt before just exploring my interests and making new friends and doing new things, i’ll always cherish that time because i really feel like that’s when i began to know me as i am today. i always felt so detached from who i was growing up. i never made many friends, throughout middle school i was almost completely alone save for my online friends who i love with my whole heart and am still friends with almost a decade later like.........what. but anyways i was so alone and feverishly rejected every aspect of myself that i felt made me so alone. i was too quiet, too shy, too anxious, too sad, too ugly, too hairy, not smart enough, not funny enough. i’ve criticized myself like this from as early as i can remember. on my 5th birthday i walked away from the little area in the park we’d cleared for my party and played alone by my favorite tree, probably pretending to be a jungle cat or something like that. only within the past couple of years did i realize that all of these things ‘hindering’ me are not actually hindering me at all. the only thing hindering me is my repetitive thoughts of “don’t be like this. you are *insert negative thing here* because you are like this. be like them. be like anything Other. just stop doing what You are doing.” and for a very long time i didn’t realize how damaging this was. i always looked up to my father as a child, like he could do no wrong to me i loved him so very much. but he used to be colder than he is now (he’s softened a bit w age/being w a pisces woman for 10+ years) so he had a very deadpan sense of humor and sometimes made remarks that dug deeper than i think he knew into my soft skin. my dad was never abusive, moreso just disconnected in a way many men are, i think. insensitive is a good word. and i’ve always been hypersensitive yet longed so deeply to be exactly like my father. calloused, but funny. able to pick up and play any instrument i wanted to. good at math. all of that! he built his own bass guitar. i think some of my intense obsession with self critique stems from that idealization of a semi-callous man from a very young age. i’ve always been deeply sensitive and easily bruised but i pretend not to be. i downplay my pain. i downplay my scars. i laugh while i tell stories of being blind-sided by my best friend all while i have a symbol of our friendship inked into the back of my arm (no i don’t regret it). i sat alone with the thought of my mother going to prison. i downplayed my pain. my ex cracked a joke about being my “new mom.” i went home and cried for hours.

but anyways. i’m so off track i really didn’t mean for this to turn into my life story but i have always been super self reflective as i said before. but ANYWAYS. dorian and i began talking after that year or so of being alone. i went from an abusive relationship i’d been in from ages 15-17 to dating an alcoholic 4 years my senior to dating his co-worker who i secretly couldn’t stand. and then i was alone and i was happy and i felt like Me for the first time since i was 15 years old. i was done running from sitting with myself. after said year went by i decided i wanted to say fuck it and just talk to some boys i thought were cute cause i knew i had it like that and was like let’s just be a silly lil ho! but that shit is hard first of all idk why boys do That like i was exhausted from it all bitch it wasn’t even fun. but anyways one of the boys was my Now bf dorian and i thought he was the biggest fuckboy like he exhibited prime fuckboy behavior. before that we’d followed each other for like over a year on twitter and i’d curved him twice so i didn’t rly want to DM him (i thought it would look suspicious of me or something) so instead i found his insta and followed it and played the Waiting game and it worked! we started talking and basically we had like the worst compatibility ever over text imo so i wasn’t that into it but he was cute as h*ll to me so i said fuq it baby! we ended up meeting a few weeks later when i drove 2ish hours up to his city with my then best friend to go to a *** *** concert (i will not expose who this is LMAO) so we had like. 30 minutes to meet beforehand and he was highhhhhhhh off his ass when he rounded the corner of the cafe we were meeting at bitch was toasted bitch was fried out his mind i’m telling U..and the entire time he just flamed my shit. and i literally could not tell for the life of me if he liked me or if he was just saying fuck it and doing whatever. oh also i bought him baby pink nail polish as a surprise because he’d mentioned missing having pink nails but he ran out of his polish so i was like ! on the drive up and stopped at a target to find him one (pretty big move for me TBH i’m so shy about people enjoying their gifts especially a STRANGER like..). but he liked it and i was happy. then that night we were texting once i got back to my city and we teased each other a lot but then the teasing turned into making actual solid plans for him to come stay at my house for a couple of days. i was extremely nervous as you can imagine like i’m a Woman and he’s a Strange Man from another City coming to stay in my Home but my crackhead ass did it anyways and i didn’t die and this all has a happy ending so! that’s good. great even. but yes he came down and stayed the night. the next morning while we were getting breakfast and talking was when i realized oh damn i might actually,,really like him? the night before i’d just felt sorta on edge and paranoid because i have a lot of #trama and don’t trust my own judgement very well due to prior abuse so i was just extremely on guard but my walls came down a tiny tiny bit the next day. we agreed on almost everything and liked a lot of the same stuff, like every other sentence was “me too!” to the point that i thought he was fucking w me just to impress me or something/i was worried he thought i was doing the same. we drove back up to his city that night w a friend of mine to go to Another concert (lana del rey, i’ll expose this one) and i just remember having this feeling deep in my chest. not even butterflies. like when you stick a marshmallow on a branch and shove it into the flames of a campfire and the fluff bubbles and pops and drips the coal below, coating it in a sticky hot glaze. that’s how my heart felt. i listened to the shadows by peter & kerry and chanel by frank ocean and passion fruit by drake (lmfao) and felt like a marshmallow perpetually engulfed in flames. i felt so happy i could cry. i felt a little scared too but mostly happy. that’s also something i’ve read before that always stuck with me. something to do with when you meet the right person it’s not supposed to feel like an excited delirious fit of insects in your belly it’s supposed to feel calm and warm and comforting. and that’s kind of how it felt. i don’t know if that’s a 100% worldly truth because i don’t believe there is ever any one right way of Experiencing anything but i just remember thinking about that quote sometimes and being like “huh.” 

after that initial feeling of falling in love it just kept going. we saw each other for 2ish days every week from then on, until he evntually moved down here at the beginning of august. we’d only been dating for 6 months but a combination of unexpected situations just sorta pushed things along rather quickly. but i wasn’t nervous. which was strange because both of my longer term relationships got a bit rocky around discussing our futures together. i always claimed to dislike thinking too far ahead but in reality i disliked thinking about being tied to said people in said way. but with dorian i just felt joy. we stopped at ikea “just to look” on the way down and bought a vegetable knife, a cat bed for winnie and wesley,  a collapsible tunnel they never played in, 2 giant asymmetrical mauve plates, tupperware with yellow lids and lots of other miscellaneous stuff we didn’t really need nor did we have the money for.

as hard as 2018 was for me i would never reverse a second of it. not for anything in the entire world. i slowly lost all of my high school friends. i slowly lost my mind a little bit too. but he stuck with me through every bit of it. i can’t even begin to get into every wild ass thing that went down throughout the past year but we stood together through it all and that feels so fucking good. i sat on the phone before we lived together and listened to him cry because the world is too cold and i cried with him because i was freezing. he picked me up and carried me home when i ran out of the house crying so hard my head was spinning and i couldn’t see past my tears after the end of one of my longest friendships. a man stared at us from across the street and i sobbed until i couldn’t breathe. 

we’re not perfect people and sure anything could happen. we could break up tomorrow. sure. believe me i know that anything can happen. like i said earlier, i have a sizeable matching tattoo with an ex best friend who i essentially thought i’d end up buried next to. but like i said earlier, no, i don’t regret it. and i would never regret love like this. but i also don’t think i will have to. never have i met someone who wants to understand me so fully. who loves me so unconditionally. who gave me the time to open up and decipher my thoughts and feelings and didn’t get tired of it. who helped me to realize that it isn’t me not functioning like ‘every one else’ that’s the problem, it was the self hatred bred from me believing that in the first place. acceptance. he accepted me as i was and i accepted him as he was. i remember saying i felt like i needed someone like me when it came to relationships. growing up i was very drawn to “opposites attract!” and sayings like that, most likely because of my self deprecating disposition, but after the end of my second relationship i knew i was wrong. my whole life i have felt misunderstood and disconnected and alone in my head and like the butt of every joke like a punchline on loop. he was the first person to ever really take me out of that. to sit there while i cried and babbled incoherently about how i just couldn’t put the words together to express why i was upset or tell anyone where it hurts. why i was anxious. why i was mad. i remember clearly sitting with him in my old apartment while my ex roommate/best friend was at work and  crying and saying i didn’t know how to ‘say it’ and him explaining back to me everything he’d heard from me so far and his interpretation and i cried and cried and cried and i felt seen for maybe the first time in my entire life. i don’t know what’s in me to make me feel so incredibly separate, and to in turn isolate myself out of this immensely penetrating sense of isolation, but he was the first to extend a hand and actually mean it. i’ve been too many people’s empty shell of a girl to project everything they wanted to see onto. it’s easy to do that with someone who rejects themselves because what is there to lose if you’re not afraid to lose it? i wasn’t perfectly healed when we met, i will never be ‘perfectly’ healed. he was not either and i do not expect him to be. i’m only 20 so really what do i know about life at all. nothing lmao. but i know that dorian is my fucking rock. and i’m his fucking rock. and if i asked him if he wanted to move to another city tomorrow and build a house out of rocks we collected on the drive there he would say yes. and i know i’ve never felt afraid with him. i know i’ve never felt demeaned or belittled or laughed at. i know we play like teething puppies who roll around and bite at one another but are always having fun and if one of us goes too far the play immediately stops and we lick each other in apologies and forgiveness and start our play again. i know we can say ‘i’m sorry’ without the slightest bit of hesitation or resentment because what’s the point of meaningless pride in all of this. don’t we hate that shit anyways? i know i stopped off the freeway and chased a dog with you and both of our best friends at the time a mile or so down the road but he just kept running farther and farther away until we eventually gave up on catching him. i know after that we drove back to my city holding hands and listening to the playlist i made you while we drove 80 mph through the inky black desert. i know i glanced over at you mouthing all of the words to a few of the songs. this is one of my favorite memories. the beginning of our love in it’s most raw form, to me at least. i know we texted each other paragraphs and you couldn’t pay me to take me away from those conversations. i know the entanglement of my volatile emotions and pride gets in the way of things sometimes but i also know when to cut it because that shit’s stupid anyways. i know our composite chart has our moon, mercury and venus in the 7th house and that made me smile because the girl on twitter who read sza’s chart said that was a favorable aspect for marriage. i know that i don’t really believe in marriage but i wouldn’t mind celebrating our love and making the playlist for the wedding and probably getting mad over people talking over “this part!” i know that you’ve never once discouraged me or limited me. i know that we’ve been through things together that would cause most to trip and break a bone or two, at least. but not once have i questioned my love for you. i’ve said doubtful things once or twice, but please understand and believe me when i say that it was only out of habit. isolation. i push back when things hurt. it’s easy for me to leap to worst case scenario in the blink of an eye. my formative teenage years were spent with someone who yelled at me and guilt tripped me and demanded and demeaned and demanded and demeaned and when i left for the second time they didn’t demand anything from me that time. it was a couple of hours later when i got a call from my mother telling me they’d attempted suicide immediately after leaving my house. i felt as collapsible as the tunnel our cats never used. everything i was afraid of came true. i’ve lived in fear for a very long time. you’re the first person to show me there is nothing to be afraid of and to love me with no strings attached. you just wanted to understand me as much as i wanted to understand you. you made me feel wanted, but after i’d began wanting myself, too. i’m just happy we met when we did, and i hope you are too. we’re both damaged in different places but maybe the damage only allows for more love to leak out and accumulate in our bloodstreams- just in different ways than we expected. i love you dorian. and i can’t end things i just ramble and connect and ramble and connect until i stop somewhere suddenly. i just love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i know that i saw angel numbers before we ever met and that angel number turned out to be my life path number (which i found out about a year later). 333. 333. 333. 333. i know if you add 1 to either digit of my birthday you get your birthday (17 & 28). i know we both loved my chemical romance and fetty wap when we were younger. i know your moon is my sun and your rising is my moon and in some strange way that correlates to you telling the same jokes i’m thinking but don’t always have the energy or will to say. i know that i played you a song off the playlist i made for you before i told you it was made for you and you knew it and had sampled it previously and i thought you were fucking with me because it’s not a very well known song. i know that you texted me telling me you found the song and scrapped it and rewrote and recorded it for me and named it after the color of my nails. i know that you are everything i’ve ever wanted in love but could never put into words much like everything else i’ve felt deeply in this life. i know you don’t rush me at thrift stores because you like them as much as i do. i know you and you know me and that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. 

--

The Shadows / Peter & Kerry

Relax my hands on the table Uncurl my fingers to reveal superficial indentations Crescent moon shapes mark the surface of my palms It's twilight: your shadows lurking over again Your shadows lurking over again Try to hinder foolish pride From shooting out my mouth like a gust of wind And blowing out your light All I want is you to shine And I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you And I'll wait here with you until sunrise