#BUT AGAIN I CAN'T CONTROL THIS SHIT
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you know what I've noticed? a lot of us have either controlling or almond moms, which says a lot abt why we're here
#like is she trying to control me in an attempt to feel control over shit she can't?#it's crazy cause now look at where we are mf#tw 3d vent#it can also be ur dad but tbh i havent met any almon dads lol#which again says a LOT abt us as women
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guess who got covid 😐 and won't stop being contagious until Thursday 😐 my job starts on Tuesday 😐
my dad had me wear a dress to drop off an application to a pottery studio that wld pay me minimum wage if I got hired 😭 he told me to "dress for the job" DAD POTTERY IS FUCKING MESSY IM NOT GOING TO BE WEARING A DRESS AT THIS JOB
#i was supposed to have the closing shift dawg#i feel so bad telling my boss im sick but also like ??? i can't control that shit why am i insane#i only miss one shift tho and i told her i can make up for it on Sunday (which wld be a 7 hour shift compared to my 6.5 hour shift)#but also Friday (when I'll start now) is probably more busy than Tuesday so it'll be more frustrating to have a new person working that day#BUT AGAIN I CAN'T CONTROL THIS SHIT#original post
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Jumping feet first into Moon Knight comics and I still have a lot of ground to cover but the difference between this in the 2014 run
Of Marc calling on Khonshu for a favor and him immediately complying vs the 2021 run
Calling out multiple times, with the same verbiage, but Khonshu only responding when he gets what he wants out of Marc (recognizing Khonshu as father) is just ugh
#moon knight#moon knight 2014#moon knight 2021#marc spector#khonshu#i know the whole age of khonshu happened between then and now and the old bird is still salty#but waiting for marc to get desperate before he offers even a crumb of help at a price#this bird is so excited to get to mess with marc again. for marc to come crawling back. for him to be in control again#the guilt tripping parent ready to say just how badly you messed up#the repeated contrast between khonshu and steven/jake in the 2021 run is so good#even in this arc with marc having to demean himself to get khonshu's help vs steven stepping in without being asked#khonshu telling marc he can't help him vs the system making arguments to be allowed to assist#and in issue 30 khonshu being a sanctimonious shit vs steven and jake urging marc on and being with him till the last#listen go read the 2021 moon knight run it's so good
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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i wanna make a rule here about something that i've been chickening out about for like six months now, so i'm gonna give u the rule and then rationalize the rule for everyone, specifically myself:
if you're following me here on the multi then you need to be following me on @clochanam too.
now, i'm going to explain this and post as fast as possible before my anxiety overrides the part of me that's been fighting this rule for the past six months.
basically, and i KNOW there's not many of ye who this applies to, i want to stress that actually, like i KNOW 90% of y'all follow me on both blogs and i love you so so so much for that. but this is more for the people who aren't, and the people who may follow me in the future. aisling and the diner squad are one unit. i separate them because the vibes are different and i prefer to have them this way for many reasons, it's not relevant to this post but ANYWAY! these two blogs are not only affiliated, they are the same exact thing. they're the same universe, the same family, the same everything.
i literally have aisling's kids, aisling's dads, aisling's home and workplace, her enemies, her whole world is divided between these two blogs. and i don't want that to be misunderstood. so from now on, this is a rule, and i appreciate all of you so so so much, because once again, this isn't aimed at anyone other than the people who may choose to follow me in the future, like this explanation is just to calm myself down but i'm gonna stop typing now bc i'm just talking a lot to avoid questioning how reasonable this rule is.
#( i wanna continue talking tho let me EXPLAIN )#( like i know that there's an endless dialogue about female ocs vs. canons and male characters )#( and i guess it's a teensy bit associated with that too bc like. i don't want that yk? )#( i don't want to have people on my dash who would shit all over my female ocs and pursue romances with my male canons )#( i don't have that energy )#( but i also don't currently have that problem! )#( idk i just )#( i feel strange writing the rule out )#( i obviously can't control what anyone does )#( but don't follow me here if you have no intention of following me on clochanam too? )#( that sounds mean fuck )#( just. idk. respect. )#( ooc. )#( AGAIN THIS IS NOT AIMED AT MY CURRENT MUTUALS )#( UNLESS UR NOT FOLLOWING ME ON AISLING IN WHICH CASE )
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oh! oh </3 oh!! okay!
#he KNEW that apologizing in the nest was futile but when he thought riko was back he STILL APOLOGIZED#HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO WAS TOUCHING HIM BUT HE WAS ALREADY APOLOGIZING#his genuine confusion makes me SO SAD#he’s been through so much but he's still like. so...innocent#his “normal” is so fucked up. he can’t even fathom how wrong the things that happened to him were#he knows firsthand that apologizing does nothing to break his fall and he's like... “is this a trick?”#like “what do you mean you’re not going to beat the shit out of me after i accidentally hit laila in a triggered state?”#“what do you mean there are ways to solve problems without violence?”#and him saying “i can't promise it won’t happen again” (lashing out when triggered)#as in: when it happens again i am expecting to be punished#as in: i will apologize if that's what you want. if that means you won't hit me. if it pleases you.#as in: but when it happens again-do what you must. i will deserve it.#he’s been hurt so often so badly that protecting himself is second nature#he has never been around safe people#his first instinct is fight or flight#his body is protecting him before his brain can catch up#and he obviously does not want to hurt them#but its so fucking HEARTBREAKING because he KNOWS he won't be able to control it when fight or flight kicks in#and if they are going to be around him it is inevitable he will resort to violence. it is all he knows.#but he still cares enough to prepare them for that reality#like. “i can't promise i won't hurt you again” and “i don't mean to” and “punish me as you see fit”#he's giving them permission to HURT HIM for protecting himself#tsc spoilers#tsc#the sunshine court#all for the game#aftg#jean moreau#the foxhole court#tfc
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IDW1 must take place on an alternate Earth where no one has ever heard of ACAB and everyone wears "thin blue line" merchandise because there's literally no other way that a single Autobot killing a USAmerican cop in self defense would be such worldwide news that even Mexican journalists would go "OMG???? You like, killed a cop?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?" and it wasn't even framed as like, "you killed a human," the phrasing every time any character talked about it was very specifically "he killed a cop".
The cop was also threatening to shoot a group of surrendering/not-attacking/injured Autobots btw which is just the icing on the cake honestly lmao
#yeah i still think about how that plot point's handling in phase 2 was fucking dumb#you can't convince me that if a usamerican cop got shot by an alien people wouldn't be making memes about it#ppl would be making memes like 'you know a pig is a pig because he'll even shoot alien robots when they're surrendering'#i'm also mad bc the gun that that cop had was a replica of cybertronian guns that meg spread among earth's populace#and what's worse is spike and this other guy literally HEARD M EXPLAIN HIS EVIL PLAN ABOUT THIS#but somehow in phase 2 literally no one ever brings it up ever again#like not even spike brings up the whole 'yeah M had mind controlling guns that he did specifically to destabilize the population'#he was just like 'nah that autobot shot a cop the autobots are evil now'#but like. i wanna make the earth ac/ab memes so badly lmao#you know that ppl would be making 'officer down' jokes about some cop getting killed by an alien robot#don't try to tell me that it's bc they're alien robots people would suddenly support the US#ppl literally make 9/11 jokes bc they hate the US that much don't even try to tell me earth would suddenly unite over a usamerican cop#getting shot on the job no less#and this is also a story written by barber who's literally the ac/ab writer that gave OP shit for being a cop so like#it's honestly so baffling. like was he trying to make a point about police brutality#bc jazz is black coded and he killed a cop so that's why barber wrote everyone hating jazz for it?#idek it's just another one of those stupid plot contrivances i hate and make me unable to take the rest of the story seriously
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Me: I'm fine
Also me: Six getting his memory erased in "Six Minus Six" and Rex trying to make him remember is meant to parallel just how terrifying it must've been for Six and Holiday when Rex would sometime lose his memories before canon started. We know from what Tuck told Rex that he had lost his memories so many times, he would keep a notebook on him to make sure he would remember. How many times had this happen, for it to be a habit. How many memories did Rex lose when he was in Providence. How much of his own life does Rex actually remember during those years. Did Rex and Six bonded and got close before Rex inevitably blacks out and forgets everything again. How absolutely horrifying is it for Rex, a child in everything but title, to wake up with no idea who he is at a goddamn government facility and treated nothing more than a weapon. How heartbreaking had it been for Holiday, a mother figure who treats Rex like a child- how he should be treated- to see him not recall anything about her. How absolutely soul-crushing had it be for Six, who had taught this kid to survive and how to stay strong, to see that same kid act in fear. Did Providence did something similar to what Rex did, keeping a log of everything about him so he could know right away. How awful is that. How absolutely batshit, fucking insanely immoral it is that a child have to go through. To lose memories and be conditioned about waking up a military base. But in the eyes of Providence, he isn't a child. He's a weapon, an asset at best, and a monster at worst.
#generator rex#i have. so much emotions about generator rex#once again I need to talk about how genuinely fucked up the world of genrex is#like. rex is a fuckin kid. he's 16#he can't even fucking drink#at yet here he is. forced to fight and be a child soldier because that's what he is.#no one views him as human because technically speaking. he isn't human anymore#he's a *thing*#can you imagine that. no wonder holiday always sounds pissed when everyone expects him to act like an adult#because he isn't. he's a teenager who got thrown in here because of factors out of his control and he has no choice but to fight#of course he's gonna rebel. that's just what kids do#honestly those episodes where rex is just. being a teenager and having fun? those are great. he deserves a break#i need to rewatch genrex cause holy shit i have a lot to say about it#something something ''providence is immoral'' something something ''rex is a child soldier''#what else is new#rex salazar#the fire burns#generator rex spoilers#spoilers#im only tagging this as spoilers so that anyone new to this show don't get spoiled#also my mutuals who im gonna force to watch generator rex with me#hi silver. if you're reading this; thanks for getting this far#but also. let's watch genrex sometimes. it's really good
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seeing a vote blue no matter who post and counting down the hours until one of your mutuals screenshots it and tears it apart
#maybe it won't gain traction#but it's a crazy crazy post#it points out that dems have had ample opportunity to become more progressive due to losing voters and have chosen not to again and again#it blames a split vote for 2016#it says the only actions you can control are your own you can't 'make' dems do anything#so be sure to vote blue this year 💀#idk i guess i was saying similar shit in 2016 myself#but i was 20 years old and hadn't yet experienced 2016 2020 2021 2022 2023 or 2024#so i won't hold that against me#adam yaps
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It's gettin pretty tough to keep squeakin I'll tell you that much
#this mouse has had her depression intensified again#time to read her journal and remember all the good things she cares about#time to work on moving on from the bad#I need to decide how much time being lonely and hurt I'm going to allow myself#compartmentalisation right#I can take all of this and deal with it later when there's more distance from it#I should also write myself a letter#it's always good to write myself a letter#I think I wanna cry in the shower first though#I was told not to bomb a bridge by someone with a lit stick of dynamite in her hand#standing next to an already bombed bridge#I played my part in stuff but not everything's my fault#and I think I'm gonna go cry about how it feels like that's being ignore for the sake of hating me and proving me wrong#then I'll pack all of this into a box and put it on a shelf in my mind and come back to it when somebody is ready to approach it with me#because I can't keep having this cycle alone#I can't keep listening to all the things I've been made to feel#I can't keep having imaginary conversations and wishing for magical fixes and apologies that might not ever come#god what a shit show#it's wild how fast everything can spiral out of control#and how much you can lose when it happens#I'll find another home some day#I have to believe that and keep moving forward#I'll find family that can be more patient with me and more accepting of their own flaws#I'll find a family that won't hurt me when they see me in a bad spot#i have to#please#i have to believe it's possible#and i really really really want to believe that can be my current family after weve had some time#but i feel so so scared that it cant#so lets shower and then box it up and then we can see what happens in a month I guess
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as if today wasn't bad enough on its own with the hour + of crying and migraine and pissy ass immature asshole boss i had to listen to my coworkers (all of whom have kids) talk about how fine it is to hit your kid in the face "as long as it was with an open palm and doesn't leave a mark that lasts for more than 48 hours" so umm. actually i don't even know what to say about that what a deranged way to approach having a child
#i guess former coworker whos now back at nursing school was upset because she hit her kid in the face for not doing some chores or something#and was talking to current coworker who “reassured” her with the above information on how to properly hurt your child#INSANE. GET ME OUT OF HERE#have fun never speaking to your children again as soon as they can gtfo of your control. ask me how i know this will happen#i can't believe i didn't quit today i literally thought i wasnt going to be able to stop crying and it was just going to be a full breakdown#WISH i had quit quite honestly i just looked at my bank account and i have just barely enough for two months rent (and nothing else lmao)#so hypothetically i could quit immediately and have some time to get another job but these goddamn fucking employers are so algorithm pilled#and not actually looking at resumes unless they ping the fucking robot or what the hell ever that idk if i could get even the most shitty#dishwasher job or whatever. i literally would rather wash dishes than put up with this shit#if i do it at a hospital it probably would even have benefits#“get a bachelor's degree” they said “you won't have a hard time finding a job” they said#“nobody wants to work anymore” they said and#“everyone is hiring you just have to apply” they insisted. die#me
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When someone tells you they don't like hugs, that's not an invitation for you to "cure them". It is not a "you" thing, although sometimes it might be. You thinking "they have to get used to it" because "your hugs are different" and "that's how you show love" is not a valid argument. Hugging them out of the blue as a goodbye is not cool either. Fuck off.
#ok to rb in case someone is in the same boat but thinks the post is too personal#this friend of mine...#pretends he's great but can't respect one basic thing#he's lucky I have grown to control my emotions and not lash out#i hate it#don't hug me or touch me end of line#i am honest to god feeling sick#this dude and I have history where I borderline felt incapable of saying no and had sex with him#afterwards I told him how I felt#yet he still pulls this shit#hugs make me sick to my stomach I don't even hug my family#and I really don't wanna hug a man who pretty much made me hate sex (for myself) as a whole#i feel disgusting rn#twice he hugged me and got mad when I refused to hug him again#even after I already told him I hated it#then asks if I'm scared of him because of that like you piece of shit I wanna rip my skin out where you touched it#I may pretend to everyone that I'm a strong confident man but good lord#sometimes I wish I had an over protective boyfriend so he could kick him in the teeth over this shit#it's ridiculous I know but fuck#apologies if you read all these tags but I over drank after this and none of my friends are awake and I needed to vent#garrett.text
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considering unwise choices (purchasing a PS5 after all) if my Betriebskostenrückzahlung goes through as announced
#not THAT unwise all things considered. buying it now before the transaction goes through would be the stupid thing to do#thing is tho.. outside of Burning Shores and slightly prettier Horizon (which I likely won't notice bc old monitors)#there really isn't anything I care about playing on it that I can't already play on the PS4 pro#would games run more smoothly? prob. but is it worth it? idk#then again Control II is likely coming and I'm sure it won't run on PS4 at all#(heck Control freezes on me a bunch already if there's too much shit going on so it seems like a smart choice to make)#but again.. it's not out yet so the only thing I'd be getting it for would be Burning Shores which I don't have a way to play atm#choices choices.. I guess putting my money into a console as opposed to random dice and MtG cards etc I don't get to use..#at least the console would have a lot more purpose. could even put it in the living room so I have another reason not to sit on the bed#but yeah. guess we'll see how I feel come mid October#what I would really like is a console I can play Ori and the Will of the Wisps on. even better if it's portable#but since it's xbox/win exclusive and I have even less reason to get an xbox etc... prob never happening
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I am surprised no one has drawn Alucard and Anderson walking Baskerville. Why make them just a couple if they can be a couple with a dog?
i fear anderson cares too heavily about the proper rules for dog walking where Alucard could not care less... dog walks are filled with many disputes...
However- Anderson suffers from 'I see something cute and fluffy- I must coddle" instincts... and thus Baskerville is deemed the most useless of weapons/an instant draw
#i contribute#doodle#andercard#alexander anderson#hellsing alucard#---#i had to draw baskerville like that in the second drawing#it had to be done#also i only realized half way through that my pen was set to the wrong size...#sooooooo doing asks while fixing/setting up all my art controls again#this was a really fun ask to do btw#because i absolutely headcanon anderson as adoring just about all animals#real reason for his look of defeat in hellsing ultimate#is because he saw the horses#and went 'awww shit i can't hurt those'#paired with the question we all have#'ALUCARD ATE HORSES?!?!'
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I took today and tomorrow off simply because I've been putting too many hours into work and wanted some time to rest...
And I'm fucking bored to shit. It's really great that my work is my passion, but I absolutely need to find other hobbies outside of reading and working out. I am seriously questioning taking my PTO day back tomorrow and just heading into the office.
That or prepping my class content for next semester (adjunct). I mean, I worked on two more LinkedIn learning courses today just to keep my mind going.
A complete juxtaposition, really, from my younger days where I couldn't fathom being a quarter as productive on a regular basis. The pendulum has totally over corrected. My coping mechanism to deal with the ADHD and Anxiety became to just never stop being productive, and it is sending me to an early death.
#ramble ramble ramble#adhd#anxiety#no but fr tho I need to get this shit under control before I become a lifeless blob#like at least my job is interesting af so I'm not boring to talk to#but really who wants to talk about work all damn day? no one#so I gotta get a hobby#used to be writing#but that's fallen to the wayside and again I need something that isn't super productive#and i will just turn fictional writing into working on another paper so I can't do that#watching movies and tv were good but I have the adhd curse of multitasking (which is how I've been doing these LinkedIn courses)#so I don't even enjoy the movie at that point#working out is great but a girl can only go so hard before the fatigue kicks in#I could go outside more on hikes but again 1. fatigue#and 2. I'm currently trying to figure out my allergy issues w. my doctor so I am avoiding outside until I can stop dying immediately#tried knitting and crocheting. can't do it. embroidery also no bueno
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guys I'm gonna be such a wreck in a couple weeks after my bestie turns 21 I know I'm not gonna be able to stop pestering her to buy me alcohol so I can relapse and it might just get to levels of pathetic diseased puppy and I'm going to hate myself sm for it
#I can't even be like “ohhh yeah dw I'll be responsible this is for me AND my friends wink wink” cause she KNOWS#the way I really don't want to put her in the position have to deal with my pathetic alcoholic ass begging her to supply me#Ik it's gonna happen anyway I have zero self control when it comes to this shit#I can already see myself lying out of my ass trying to come up with excuses#When she knows if I get anything I'll immediately go home and binge until I black out over and over again until I run out#but fucccckkk I want to so bad I'm actually tearing up in frustration thinking ab it LMAO
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