#BIG DOG JIMMY WEARING A COLLAR!!!!!!!!!
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If you're taking requests, how about a Ranchers? 👉👈
Hi!! Funny you'd ask! I have been cooking this for like 3 days and got to finish it today!!!
Sorry if it's not what you had in mind, but I've been plagued by visions of Secret Life Ranchers for about a month now. My requests are always open btw!
Close ups under cut
#BIG DOG JIMMY WEARING A COLLAR!!!!!!!!!#TANGO PULLING ON SAID COLLAR TO MAKE HIM BEND DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#Not super happy with the final pose but I can't pour more time on this it's making me sick#Normal about them#alek draws#alek answers#trafficshipping#team rancher#suggestive#cw suggestive#I guess? better be safe#secret life#tangotek#tango tek#i don't wanna tag Jimmy cause I know he likes looking at art sometimes. sorry jimmy tag followers#secret life smp#trafficblr#Solidaritytek
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A Town Called Prosperity Part 1
In Prosperity, there's normal folk like you and me. A humanoid figure walks down a street. With big eyes. A pair of translucent wings. And grey body with tufts of blonde hair. He's wearing blue jeans and a purple shirt with yellow lettering that says "Jimmy the Boy-Human". But this is not Jimmy. No, this is Vince. Fly Boy Vince. Vince was a young man in his twenties, that looked remarkably like a Fly. Yes, he almost seems straight out of an Old Horror Picture. His parents thought so. So early in his life, Vince became an Actor. He was suppose to star in his own sitcom, till the Network received complaints of his inclusion. Vince held a paper in his hand. Vince was once an actor who had filmed a pilot for a sitcom. However, due to complaints from "Concerned Parents", his show was quickly shelved. Now Vince returned to his hometown. Hoping to make an honest living. Vince looked down at the paper. A Rejection Letter. The tenth Rejection Letter he has gotten this month. His big eyes became downtrodden. Tears periodically escape and roll down his face. *BARK BARK BARK* A dog lunges forward! Vince flinches. The only thing separating the dog and Vince is flimsy a Chain-Linked Fence. The dog snarls, exposing its sharp teeth. An old, large Woman comes out from the nearby house, "Oh, I'm sorry Vince. Hector just gets a bit excited. He doesn't mean anything by it." She grabs the dog by the collar and pulls it off the Fence. The dog continues to growl at Vince. Vince looks down, "Buzz. Buzz." He walks away. Vince overhears the Old Woman in a faint voice say, "Good job, Hector."
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anyway. super-spoilers for 15.20 - please DON’T READ until you’ve watched
When Dean pulls his baby to a stop, the dust billows out from behind her. Twilight has fallen over this particular slice of Heaven and the reflection of the moon ripples across the surface of the water. He’s not sure how long he’s been driving (Bobby was right when he said that time was different here) but...he figures it’s been long enough.
He steps out of the Impala, letting Miracle jump out behind him with a happy yelp. She tears off toward the railing of the bridge and then sits, panting with her ears crooked. “What’s out there, girl?” Dean asks, not really asking - it’s just become a thing that he says to Miracle when she shows interest in something.
He stretches and revels in the way his back and knees don’t pop or ache in the slightest. He lets out a breath and when he inhales, he smells it. It tips his head down and brings a smile to his face. There’s dust on his boots and he swirls up more as he kicks over to open the trunk.
When he pulls his head out, crumpled to hell trench coat in his hands, he finds that he’s not alone. He’ll be along, Bobby had said, knowing smile. Sam would come too, down the road, but right now -
“Hello, Dean.”
Dean meets his eyes, his finger-in-a-socket hair, his perma-stubble and oh. “Let’s get two things out of the way,” Dean says firmly, walking toward the angel.
Castiel tilts his head in that deliberate act of confusion, but his eyes are sparkling. He’s long learned how to tell when Dean is joking. “Yes?”
“First, I hate that trench coat,” he says, pointing to the one Cas wears. “This is the right one.” He shoves over the ball of canvas in his hands and Cas doesn’t hesitate. He sheds his coat and takes the one from Dean - thinner and longer, belt floppy. It’s a trench coat that, years ago, Jimmy Novak pulled on in the middle of the night to leave his family, not sure what he was doing or where he might be going.
“And second?” Cas asks.
They’re close, now. Close enough that Dean can fuss with the lapels of the coat, straightening them and shaking the collar out. And then, his hand rests, big and warm, right over Cas’s heart. “Second is I love you too, you stupid son of a bitch.”
Before Cas can finish saying, “Dean I don’t think you should swear in Heaven,” Dean is kissing him. It’s awful - they’re both laughing into it and trying to hold each other the same way at the same time. It’s awful and a mess and they keep kissing until it’s not. Until it’s perfect. Until they’re perfectly slotted together.
They pull apart at Miracle’s bark, both of them looking over. In the time since Dean pulled over, it’s come on dawn and the sun is rising over the lake’s horizon. The dog is standing beside the Impala, tail wagging and ears cocked expectantly.
“Hey Cas,” Dean says, turning to rest his forehead against the angel’s, “wanna go for a drive?”
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@prayedtoyou • @folklorecastiel • @valleydean • @good-things-do-happen-dean • @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you • @nesnej • @bianca29753 • @spaceshipkat • @madronasky • @dizzypinwheel • @kayrosebee • @feraladoration • @destielangst • @destiel-is–real • @destielle • @flowersforcas • @50shadesofqueerbait • @multifandomagic • @fluffiestlou • @geo-val • @menjiiii • @top13zepptraxx • @lanaserra • @eccentriccas • @trasherasswood • @angelresort • @starlightcastiel • @dreamnovak • @jazzbabythatsme • @lyndalynn • @organicpurplepants • @cursed-or-not • @contemplativepancakes • @can-i-just-stay-in-the-corner • @galaxymysteryelephant • @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover • @one-more-offbeat-anthem • @keata-kaylee • @redsconfusion • @bennedict • @mishha • @smushedmuffins • @galaxycastiel • @itsinjustbeing • @winchester-novak
#deancas#destiel#deancas fanfic#destiel fanfic#deancas ficlet#destiel ficlet#dean winchester#castiel#spn fanfic#spn fanfiction#supernatural#spn spoilers#1520 carry on#my stuff
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Wandavision Ep 5 Spoilers
Wherein I watch Wandavision at a stupid hour of the morning because I do not sleep like a regular human being, and sometimes I have things to say.
Previously on Wandavision, we all discovered that Darcy Lewis and Jimmy Woo were the BFFs we never knew we needed and now can't live without. Also Wanda reminded us that she's really scary.
We should be in the 80s now, right? Ahh the 80s. Leg warmers, Aquanet, and MTV.
Baby shenanigans with crying twins. Wanda tries to magic them to sleep and it doesn't work. "Maybe we just need some help." And in pops Agnes without waiting for them to answer the door. As you do in a sitcom hell. She's got a headband and leg warmers on and is on her way to jazzercise. Of course. Is the point of Agnes to really anchor us in a decade? Asking for real. She's very "this is the era, and these are the tropes, let's all play along now."
Vision is very protective of the babies, to such a degree and with such intensity that Agnes literally forgets her line and nervously asks Wanda if she wants her to take that again. Well, then. Agnes very super a lot does not want to be wished to the cornfield.
The babies stopped crying during the whole "should we do this scene again" interlude. Vision noticed the weirdness and is trying to figure out what's going on, Wanda is trying very hard to pretend everything is normal. Agnes is being super duper bizarre in the background. And suddenly the twins are like three years old. Agnes has given up and got into the liquor. I don't blame her.
Opening credits. Okay, I'm sorry, 'baby' Vision is almost more stupidly funny than I can take. Like … what? I think I want that as my new icon, though. Also the credits are too long. I think they were very proud of their theme song, so we have to hear it all. These are my least favorite so far. Very 80s, but meh.
In the real world, Monica is getting x-rays and giving a report on being yeeted from Wanda World.
Jimmy Woo and Darcy are there to greet her at the end of the exam. "This is Doctor Darcy Lewis." Yes, she is! Still very proud. She's also the doctor of encouraging people to wear pants, shoving a pair at hospital gown-clad Monica. Erik's no-pants phase was very scarring.
The medic comes back and says the medical tests didn't work or something. The medic wants to do x-rays again because the first came back blank and also she's going to have to do another blood draw. Hmm. Monica is still somehow affected by Wanda World? Unclear on how that would work. Some sort of weird witchy radiation-like energy? Monica says 'no' to more needles and also wants to put pants on. Just let the woman have her pants.
Now we're on to a briefing with the acting Director of SWORD whose name I don't remember. He's very "government suit" bland, I have a hard time caring about anything he says. Also, does anybody else pronounce the 'w' in SWORD in their head when they read it? Like I cannot make my brain stop doing that. "s-WUH-ord'.
"Our initial theory had Wanda Maximoff as one of many victims. We now know she is the principle VICTIMIZER!" Settle down there, acting director guy. Why not say 'subject', 'suspect', 'perpetrator', or boring old 'cause of the anomaly". VICTIMIZER! Geez then. I'm going to guess his solution will be a tactical nuke or some such rot.
Jimmy gives background on Wanda.
Acting Director Guy: "The twins were subsequently radicalized, volunteering at Hydra." Jimmy Woo: "That's an oversimplification of events, but yes." I'm giving you heart-eyes Jimmy Woo.
"After unspecified experimentation with the mind stone, Maximoff gained telekinetic and telepathic abilities."
Then a weird aside where the Acting Director — who shall now be known as Acting Director Dick — wants to know if Wanda had a code name or a something, seeming to imply that not having one made her a bad guy?, and then he points out how the first time she used her powers it was against the Avengers. He totally just ordered a tactical nuke from "overreacting-government-douchebags r us". I hate this particular character trope, the government heavy who never listens to anybody and is always ready to napalm the suburbs because reasons. It's so tedious.
Jimmy points out that Wanda earned the Avengers trust and then became an Avenger herself, thank you very much. Acting Director Dick doesn't care, he's decided Wanda is a terrorist and he'll turn half of New Jersey into a glass parking lot to get rid of her. Sure am glad he's in charge of some sort of mysterious and powerful agency.
Jimmy Woo is not a fan either, and he walks back over to his new bestie and tells Darcy that while he tries not to speak ill of anybody … Darcy interrupts "then allow me", and she has no trouble saying that Acting Director Dick is, in fact, a dick. That's my girl.
Elsewhere AD Dick is blathering on about how they don't negotiate with terrorists. Well, since Wanda hasn't made any demands, or released a manifesto or anything …. Monica also points out Wanda is not a terrorist. AD Dick twists her report to make Wanda sound as terroristy as he can. I'm bored with him now.
Monica argues with him a bit and say she doesn't believe Wanda World is a premeditated act of aggression. I vote Darcy, Jimmy, and Monica wait until AD Dick is alone, and then they shove him in a locker for the rest of the season. If anybody asks he had to run back to sWUHord for meetings or something, "Darn, you just missed him. I'll tell him you're looking for him. Great. Buh-bye now".
AD Dick needs to make his big jackass point that Wanda is the most terroristy terrorist who ever terroristed, so he shows off footage of Wanda breaking into a SWORD facility to steal back Vision's body. Because that seems terroristy and not at all like some sort of emotional breakdown. As far as I can tell, she just busted open a few doors, but didn't hurt anybody. I think AD Dick doesn't know the meaning of the word terrorist.
And, yes, then she resurrected Vision in an idealized sitcom world in a small city in New Jersey. That's exactly like something a terrorist mastermind would do. Mmmhmm. Is it nice for the people trapped there with them? No, clearly not. Agnes and Herb in particular seem aware and are scared. They need to be rescued and Wanda needs LOADS of therapy. But Director Nuke the Site from Orbit over here isn't going to make anything better. Darcy, sister, shove that asshole into a locker stat.
Jimmy notes that stealing Vision's body is a violation of the Sokovia Accords. And while I appreciate his dedication to maintaining the Accords … well, I mean, look, it's body theft and all. It's not a great look; I absolutely allow that. But you can just sort of stop there. Though, that's very the Sokovia Accords "if this guy dies, his body must go to a shadowy government agency. for safety. yep."
Also Vision had a living will, where he didn't want to be used as a weapon. Sure, okay. Because I'm sure SWORD was just totally not doing anything at all with his body. Nope. Look, I'm totally a SHIELD girl and even I wouldn't necessarily trust SHEILD with that. So, who is SWORD to me? Pfft. I'd give him to Thor or something and ask him to be buried far far away. I'm just saying. I'm supposed to trust Johnny-Come-Lately S-WUH-ORD?
(In my head now is an inter-agency rivalry where SWORD is like "We have rocket ships!" and SHIELD is like "lol, our lead scientist got eaten by a rock and survived on an alien world for like six months". "But rocket ships?" "We've traveled through time a dozen times in the last year alone. We're a bigger chaotic disaster than you can ever hope to be".)
AD Dick undermines his own "SHE'S A TERRORIST!" thesis by saying she acted out of grief. And then he dismisses everybody. "Work the problem!" Uh … whut? Fine? What is the problem? That she's a WILD MURDERY TERRORIST who must be stopped! or a grief stricken woman who stole her technologically advanced boyfriend's body and probably should be talked down? Acting Director Lack of Clarity.
Jimmy wants to know how Wanda could have resurrected Vision without the Mind stone and Darcy wants to know what Vision will do when he figures it out. Fine questions, friends, fine questions. Monica is just like "acting director dick used to be a buddy but now I kind of want to punch him and am very conflicted. oh and wanda kind of freaks me out but also i feel bad for her" only she says all that without words.
Tommy and Billy are now about like 5 or 6 or something. I'm terrible with kids ages. They're up to shenanigans. Oh, they found a lost puppy dog and they're giving him a bath in the sink. It's all super adorable.
Vision wanders in and greets his family all formally and in his human face. He says he has a premonition someone might pop over. He's not a fan of sitcom neighbors either. And there's Agnes now with a dog house. How does she know whether to enter through the front door or the back door?
The dog tries to burn the house down by licking an electrical outlet? so they name him Sparky (harr harr) and Wanda magics him a collar with Agnes right there. Vision's all "wtf darling?" and she points out Agnes didn't even notice when the boys went from babies to five-year olds, she certainly didn't notice the magic collar. Agnes is trying very very hard not to notice anything. Poor Agnes.
Wanda says she's tired of hiding her abilities and Vision is Very Concerned. He's starting to figure things out.
They tell the boys they can't have a dog until they're 10, so the boys grin at each other and age themselves up to 10. That is all very unsettling. Agnes "Let's just hope this dog stays the same size." as she screams internally "save me!"
Real World. Jimmy's hustling back to the science room with coffee for Monica and Darcy. Monica is asking for some sort of wild mobile bunker to help her get back into Wanda World and Darcy's like "well, yes, but also no". But Monica knows an aerospace engineer who'd totally make it for her.
"I can't guarantee the Hex won't just mind wipe you as you go in." "What's the hex?" "Oh, it's what I'm calling the anomaly because of it's hexagonal shape. It's starting to catch on." Darcy's so proud, but Jimmy's like 'not so much' but he's too polite to say.
Monica's determined to go back in. Jimmy wants to know who the kids are, if they've id'd them or the babies and Monica's all "oh, no, those are legit Wanda's." Darcy says if she can make stuff with her mind, and all the props and whatnot in the Wanda World are real then she's wielding an insane amount of power. Monica is sure she could have taken out Thanos if he hadn't cheated and snapped her. Jimmy thinks Captain Marvel could have done it. Monica very much doesn't want to talk about Captain Marvel.
Monica has an Idea!
Ah, she wants to see her outfit from Wanda World, which is now in the real world. So, is it real matter Wanda created, or is the perception field bleeding over to make them all see that outfit in the real world. That would have been hella awkward if Monica got yeeted out of her clothes.
Monica confirms they're real then steals Jimmy's gun and shoots them. Ahh, she was wearing a kevlar vest when she went into Wanda World, and that changed shape to be her super fly 70s outfit. "Wanda is rewriting reality." Changing things to fit the hex. So they'll send in something that doesn't need to be changed. Um. Sure. Fine. I don't know what that means, or how that would help in this context, but I'm sure I'll find out.
Meanwhile, Vision is at work, and all his coworkers are amazed at the actual computers. Golly shucks. Computers. Hey, so, computers have been around since the 40s. ANYWAY.
"Should we surf the internet?" We're progressing rapidly through the 80s. Oh, lol, Darcy sent an email. And the whole office creepily reads it out loud. Vision is very weirded out. As well he should be. He wipes the computer with his glowy synthezoid powers and then he glowies Norm when Norm tells him 'none of it is real'. Norm wakes up "please help me. what day is it? how long has it been?". Oh dear. Poor Vision. This is all going to go so very badly. Norm gets very freaked out begging Vision to "stop her". Vision resets him.
At the house the boys wonder where dad is, and Wanda tells them it's Monday and he's at work. Except the boys are all "um, no, it's Saturday". Wanda, your house of lies is tumbling down! You shouldn't have let them grow up so fast. Babies don't ask inconvenient questions about why Daddy needs some space from Mommy and her questionable choices for their shared reality.
Wanda takes the opportunity to impart the 80s family sitcom trope of the weekly life lesson about how family might fight, but they still love each other and family is forever. One of the twins asks if she has a brother. She does. He's far away. But, Sparky goes barking at the door. Wanda looks far away herself. She goes to open the door and Sparky runs out.
Monica has sent in a drone from the 80s. Well that wasn't really a thing. But, how does the 1980s rc plane look more high tech than the 2020s drone they sent in first? Talk to your design team, SWORD.
Anyway, Wanda spots the drone, but she's keeping it out of the broadcast, because she's the editor and director and producer of Wandavision, of course.
Monica announces herself and tries to get Wanda to acknowledge her. Whoops. Wanda's eyes go glowy. AD Dick says "take the shot" and Monica's all "what? no, the drone isn't armed." Except of course it is, because AD Dick is a monumental dick, and he's got a backup drone pilot who takes the shot. Wandavision goes off air. And, oh no, there's a breach at the Hex!
Lol. It's Wanda coming through, dragging the mangled corpse of the drone with her. That was entirely deserved, AD Dick. I hope she shoves it up your ass, dick.
"The missile was just a precaution". AD Dick backpedals quick, like a coward. You gave a three second attempt to talk to Wanda before you pulled the trigger, I don't like you. "You can hardly blame us."
Wanda warns him to stay out. "You won't bother me, I won't bother you." Okay, well, he does kind of have a point, in that there's a whole town of people who are stuck as bit players in Wanda World. That's not very nice. I mean, surely she could have found a nice empty spot somewhere and created her sitcom utopia. That's at least a fair criticism.
Monica tries her best to talk Wanda down. It doesn't work particularly well.
"What do you want?" "I have what I want and no one will ever take it from me again." And she mind controls the soldiers training their guns on her, to turn them on AD Dick. Whoops. And Wanda goes back to her world. The Hex glows all red as she goes.
And we go to commercial. Lagos Brand paper towels. "For when you make a mess you didn't mean to." Wow, so that was brutal. Wanda's not mad at you, Monica. She's just carrying a lot of guilt. Ouch.
Back in Wandavision, the boys are looking for their dog. They find Agnes hiding in the bushes with the dog. Poor Sparky apparently ate some azalea leaves and died. The boys are very sad and Wanda warns them not to age up. They can't run from their feelings. Oh Wanda. "It's too sad," Billy says. "You can fix anything mom," Tommy cries, "Fix the dead". Yikes.
Wanda "I'm trying to tell you there are rules in life." Poor Agnes is trying not to have a total meltdown. "We can't reverse death. No matter how sad it makes us. Some things are forever."
Billy and Tommy try to talk her into bringing back Sparky. And Vision turns up. Well, this is just brutal.
Vision is entirely outside of Wanda's control. "I spoke with Norm. I unearthed the man's suppressed personality and I spoke to him free of your oversight." Yikes. "He was in pain, Wanda."
Okay it's kind of funny they're arguing over the end credits. Vision is very very pissed. "I'm scared." Aww.
Wanda insists she's not in charge of every life in Westview. "I don't know how any of this started in the first place." Huh. Is that really true? Because she's pretty sure of it now. Somebody or something convinced her into a sitcom world and now she's just like "yeah, this is good"? really asking.
Ding-dong.
"I didn't do that."
Vision: *doubt*
DING DONG
Wanda goes to answer the door.
In the real world, alarms are blaring but Darcy notices a new revelation on Wandavision.
Wanda Word — and it's Pietro at the door. See! I knew it had to be Pietro who'd be the surprise guest thingy. I mean it's hilariously X-Men Pietro (Evan Peters, like @lewstonewar suggested), but Pietro nonetheless. There's nobody else it could have been.
Darcy be all WTF? "She recast Pietro?" lol
Okay, Wanda seems legit shocked. I don't think she did that. And I super really don’t think she’d make him sound like a NYC cabbie.
And end.
Well. I mean, I'm not sure what to think. Wanda insists she's not controlling everything. I don't think she created Pietro. But, she totally stole Vision's body and created the kids and seems mostly happy in her sitcom universe and she can traverse the Hex, which obviously suggests its her doing. Dunno. I have questions about Agnes and her convenient timeliness here and there.
The mystery continues.
Disney wants to know if I want to watch Age of Ultron next. How poorly you know me, Disney.
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Cowboy Blues: Almost Heaven
Sorry for the long update process, I have been going through a lot with new meds and I wasn't in the zone for writing. But I'M BACK and I MISSED CLYDE. Also, my boyfriend said this chapter was 'too long' but who cares?!
Here is a link to my Masterlist with all the chapters and WIP I have!
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Saturday could not have come any slower, you were so ready for your outing with Clyde but the days dragged by like molasses. You had kept your texting to a minimum with him just so you’d appear more casual, and because he was really bad at replying. You weren’t sure if he had ever used a phone for texting before he met you, but his short replies were just enough to keep you excited for what was to come.
You had offered to stay the night with Clyde on Friday so it would be easier to get up and go but he wasn’t a fan of you being at the ranch all by yourself. Which explains why now you were dragging yourself out of bed at 5 AM to drive to his place. “Fuck…” you groaned into your pillow when the alarm went off, rolling over and reaching for your phone you saw a couple of messages from Clyde. Rubbing your eyes you sat up and stretched before reading and starting your trek.
Mornin’ Sunshine, I know y’r already packed but make sure y’ bring a swimsuit.
“Whatever Clyde,” you yawned before grabbing your bags and shuffling out to the car.
The drive to the Logan Ranch was quick, practically no one was on the road on this lazy Saturday morning. You even had time to stop and grab some coffee for you and Clyde. Pulling into the ranch you saw a horse trailer, attached to a truck you hadn’t seen Clyde drive before. The man himself was packing the truck bed full of coolers, bags, and other things you couldn’t recognize.
“Morning handsome,” you called out.
Clyde turned around and a smile split his face, setting down the equipment he walked over to your car. You got out as quickly as possible and Clyde engulfed you in a hug, effectively lifting you off the ground. “M’ so glad y’ came, I know y’r not a mornin’ person,” he smiled up at you before kissing your cheek.
“Put me down I have stuff in my car,” you kicked your legs to emphasize your point.
Once down Clyde rounded your car and grabbed all the bags before you could even help out. Leaving you holding two cups of coffee and a smile. “Let’s get going darlin’,” he called before climbing into the driver’s seat. Opening your door you almost spilled your drink when Leroy jumped up into your seat.
“Down boy,” Clyde scolded, “That ain’t y’r spot today. Get in the back.”
Poor Leroy looked at his dad so broken-hearted. He started to whine when Clyde grabbed his collar and tried to pull him into the backseat. “Clyde, he can sit on my lap,” you whined, you didn’t want Leroy to be crying the whole trip because you took his spot.
“Sunshine, he’s a big dog,” he said, “Y’ don’ need t’ coddle him.”
“Please Clyde?”
He just sighed and dragged Leroy into his lap, grumbling at the dog as he started licking his face while you climbed in. Once you had the coffee settled, and your seatbelt on you patted your lap for the big baby. Leroy happily jumped into your lap, effectively knocking the wind out of you. Grunting you tried to situate him so you could breathe but fuck that dog was heavy. Whatever Clyde fed him was too much, but you didn’t want Clyde to know he was right so you decided to grin and bear it.
“Y’ okay over there darlin’?” Clyde smiled at your groaning from Leroy.
“Yup.”
“The drives ‘bout two hours, so lemme know if y’ need a break.”
You averted your eyes from his smile, he couldn’t win. Not today, so you just hummed back and began petting Leroy. This was going to be a long trip.
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Holy shit Leroy needs to go on a diet
Your inner monologue was constant throughout the drive, Leroy never really settled on your lap, which earned many groans from you and snorts from Clyde every time you made a noise. He had tried to make conversation with you during the drive but you couldn’t pay attention because of the fat dog who kept kissing you. You didn’t even get the chance to drink your coffee because he had your left arm pinned under his butt. Clyde had offered a couple of times to give you your coffee but your pride wouldn’t let him feel like he was right. And also because you were slightly nervous with him driving with just his metal arm but he was in control the whole time, it just took you a minute to calm down about it. He had been driving for a while with one arm so you had no reason to worry.
After another hour went by you had started to drift off to sleep when the ground changed into a bumpy gravel road. Jostled from your seat your eyes flew open to the new terrain. All around you were large trees, the windows were pumping in fresh mountain air, and if you strained enough you could spy a lake in between the brush.
“We’re just up here Sunshine,” Clyde moved the truck to the right of the road. Somehow spying a smaller dirt road that seemed to be handmade. You were very worried about fitting with the truck and the horse trailer but Clyde seemed to know the area like the back of his hand.
Once at the end of the slim road, there was a flat opening that was a driveway leading up to a small cabin with an even smaller barn to the left of it. You sighed at the sight of the cabin, you weren’t sure if you were camping in a tent but you secretly hoped for plumbing. With what you planned to be doing up here with Clyde you were thankful a shower was nearby.
Clyde parked and immediately opened his door to stretch his legs and start unpacking. Leroy had left your lap to follow his daddy, which left you to finally breathe and flex your left arm after being pinned. Climbing out you took in a deep breath, it was so beautiful up here. You knew that West Virginia was known for its beautiful landscape, and from your time in Montana, you were used to the mountains but it had been so long since you were outside. You felt yourself tearing up thinking about home, you hadn’t been back since Josh… no, you weren’t going to let your last relationship ruin this nice time with your new guy.
“Darlin’ can ya help bring these inside? I gotta get the horses out,” Clyde motioned to the coolers in the truck bed. Smiling back up at him you maneuvered to the end of the truck and started emptying the supplies Clyde had brought. Walking up the steps to the cabin you admired how homey it looked. Truly it was a quaint cabin that held memories for the Logan family, you felt honored that Clyde had even brought you here. Walking in you noticed scratch marks in the doorway, with names under them. You spied Clyde’s name along with Jimmy and Mellie, and some unknown person Sadie. You grinned at the family memory that marked the place.
After dropping off multiple bags inside you used your free time to search through the cabin. It was very homey, you were thankful that the cabin did indeed have plumbing. Some more snooping brought you to the bedroom you and Clyde were to share, the bed didn’t at all look big enough to have both of you in it. You also assumed that Leroy would weasel his way in which made it even less appealing. Huffing you started unpacking your bags when you heard Clyde come inside. You could hear his boots hitting the floor and a pause, he must be taking in the cabin like you were. You wondered how long it had been since he last came here, had he brought others here? You shook your head before you started jumping to conclusions, bounding out of the room you met Clyde and sealed your lips in a kiss.
“When do we get to ride?” you said before giving him another quick kiss. Clyde hummed into your lips before wrapping his arms around your waist. “That’s why I was comin’ in Sunshine,” he pulled back and started raking over your figure. Taking in a deep breath he closed his eyes and gave you a slower, more thoughtful kiss which you eagerly reciprocated. However, before the fun could even begin Clyde pulled back.
“Y’ better go get changed,” he leaned and kissed your forehead, “Y’ won’t want t’ ride with those shorts on.”
You rushed into the bedroom after Clyde separated the two of you to gather bags for the ride. You and Mellie had shopped for plenty of outfits to choose from for the weekend. You decided on wearing a baby pink bikini underneath your clothes in case there was a chance of water play, and plus they were only held together by strings which could prove helpful… You also got some comfy bootcut jeans that sat nicely over your old riding boots and a very thin plaid button-up. Mellie had also insisted that you buy a cowgirl hat, saying that it would drive Clyde crazy since he would chase after rodeo girls when he was younger. Once you were ready you pranced outside and approached Clyde who was facing two horses.
You tapped his shoulder and cleared your throat so he could turn and look at you. And look he did, you were sure his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He couldn’t keep himself from staring, his eyes roamed all over your figure and settled on the ample cleavage your top gave you.
“Howdy Cowboy,” you smirked at him and tipped your hat, “Are you ready to ride?”
Clyde swallowed hard before bringing his eyes back up to meet yours, “I got somethin’ fer y’ t’ ride.”
You giggled and swayed over to his side and pecked his cheek, not letting him get too close since you were actually eager to get going. “Which ones mine,” you whispered before pulling back and patting the horses.
“What,” Clyde practically choked when you left him high and dry.
“Which horse do I get Clyde,” you said, “Don’t tell me one of them is for Leroy.”
He cleared his throat and turned to face the pair with you, “No no, this one here is mine,” he patted the buckskin colored horse, “An that one's yers.”
“What are their names?”
“This mustang is Spirit, and his mare there is Rain.”
“Oh like that old movie!” you practically squealed, Spirit was one of your favorite horse movies growing up. You and your sister would watch it almost daily, along with Barbie Swan Lake.
“Huh,” Clyde looked at you confused, “What’r y’ talkin’ about? Those their names because I liked em…”
“You really haven’t seen the old horse movie about these exact two horses!?”
Clyde just looked at you like you had lost your mind. You obviously had to drop the subject and force him to watch it at a later date because right now you were close to blowing up. “Whatever,” you rolled your eyes and began mounting Rain, “Let’s get going before it gets too hot.”
Mirroring your actions Clyde climbed on Spirit swiftly and put on his own cowboy hat, “Don’t fall behind darlin’,” he winked before setting off leaving you in the dust.
-----
After riding for about 3 hours, Clyde had led you to a lakeshore. You had spent most of the early afternoon weaving through trees and up the mountain ridges. Rain was a very nimble horse and on more than one occasion you were able to outrun Clyde who would holler for you to stay close by, apparently, the ground was dangerous and ‘only he knew’ where it was safe.
You dismounted at the shoreline, soaking in the sun and listening to the calm waves from the lake. It almost felt like a dream, being out here with Clyde. You weren’t sure of the last time you were able to have this kind of peace, certainly couldn’t remember the last time you rode a horse. But you were starting to see that being around Clyde would bring you simple pleasures you hadn’t allowed yourself in a while. Walking towards the sand you heard Clyde rustling through the bags that he brought, making a happy humming noise when he must’ve found what he was looking for.
“Y’ mind helpin’ me set out this blanket,” he called from behind you. Turning around you saw he had a large blanket draped over his forearm, along with a small bag that was hiding supplies he must’ve packed.
“Of course,” you smiled at him and grabbed the blanket. Spreading it out on the beach and then grabbing the bag from him while he got the horses some snacks and water. Settling down, the bag between your legs, you opened it up to see what he had brought. It was a pretty small bag, no larger than one of those cheap drawstring ones you would use as a child, but this one was a military green and seemed to be well used. It was heavy, heavier than you would think it should be, peeking inside you found bottles of water. Along with the water, there were a few beers, Clyde seemed to pack his favorite kind along with some fruity cocktails he must’ve thought you liked. You started unpacking the drinks, and underneath you found some little picnic items. After you had that all laid out there was still more in there.
“Did you pack enough,” you called over your shoulder to him, because somehow he managed to pack an entire fridge worth of food.
“What’re y’ doin’ over there?”
“I’m unpacking this,” you raised the bag up, “Isn’t that what you meant for me to do?”
Deciding not to delay the rest you dumped the contents into your lap. Out fell a leather journal, must be his you thought, along with a compass, flashlight, survival tools, and a strange velvet drawstring bag. You picked it up to inspect it more closely, it was a black bag, which had a couple of items inside. It didn’t seem like something you would bring out riding but maybe Clyde had a reason for it. Rolling your eyes and staring out at the waves you opened it and stuck your hand in.
Cold.
Curved.
Metal.
“What the fuck-”
“Are you lookin’ through my stuff darlin’,” Clyde was suddenly behind you, snatching the black velvet bag from your hands. Huffing as he sat next to you and tucked it under his left leg.
“What was that Clyde,” you waggled your eyebrows at him and reached over his lap to grab the item he swooped away from you.
“It’s not yers,” he smiled back at you before leaning down and placing a kiss on your forehead.
You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest, being sure to push out your breasts from your unbuttoned shirt. “Hmm,” you mused at him.
“Could y’ hand me a beer darlin’, I’m thirsty after all that ridin’.”
You pretended to not hear him, maybe the silent treatment would make him cave and show you the ‘surprise’ that he was hiding from you. “Sunshine?” he whispered again, hoping for your attention. You lifted your chin and looked off at the water, pretending again that he wasn’t there.
“(Y/N) are you really poutin’ cause I took the bag from y’?”
“Maybe.”
Clyde huffed in amusement, reaching across your lap for a beer, making sure to skim the top of your left knee in the process. He settled once again, stretching his legs out and cracking open his beer. Humming after his first slow sip, glancing out at the mountains across the water. Maybe the silent treatment wasn’t a good idea, Clyde was already a man of little words, he must thrive off the quiet mountain air. You started thrumming your fingers to try and shake his calm, slowly getting louder and louder with your little movements. At some point, he was going to snap and finally give in to you.
After 5 more chugs from his beer, he finally cleared his throat, halting you from your cacophony of noises. “I didn’ tell y’ earlier, but y’ look very pretty darlin’.”
“Hmm,” you replied, not trying to be swayed by his honeyed words.
Clyde chuckled and scooted closer to you, draping his arm around your shoulders, “I especially like yer shirt, it lookt very bouncy while we were ridin’.”
You tried to hide your smile, of course, it was ‘bouncy’ because you had on a bikini top underneath. Your tits were practically screaming from being pushed up and down while Rain was trotting across the trails. In hindsight, it was not a good decision to wear the top, but damn you did look tantalizing. You turned to face Clyde, being sure to let your top open a little bit more, showing the suit underneath. “Well aren’t you a gentleman,” you whispered at him, bringing up a palm to rest on his chest. Clyde took that as an in and swooped in, capturing your lips in a kiss.
You couldn’t help but moan into him, sweet lips pressing and sucking on your own. Tongue darting out to press to your own, begging for entrance to explore your mouth. Eagerly you obliged, savoring the sweet hoppy taste of his tongue, slightly pressing on his chest causing him to lay back as softly as he could. Once he was down he brought his right hand up to your lower back, pressing you into him as you now straddled him with both legs. You pulled away just a little, glancing down at Clyde’s face, his lips were all flushed, wet, and pink while his eyes were lazily opening and shutting. Trying to register the bliss that was your shared tastes. Quickly you used his confusion to reach under his left leg and grabbed the black bag.
Springing off of him you ran towards the water giggling, trying to quickly figure out the contents of the velvet sack. Sticking your hand in again you met with the toys inside, not noticing that you were now in the shallow water. Soaking your boots and the ends of your jeans. Through your giggles, you now were able to inspect the objects more thoroughly, there were two items. One was a small smooth metal plug* of some sort and the other was a bottle of…
Lube**.
Clyde brought lube.
You stared at the items in your hand for a long time. What the fuck was going on? Why did he bring these, on a horseback riding trip for starters? Was the lube why he asked about your allergies? Why was there a butt plug… what kinda shit was this cowboy expecting? You were so lost in your train of thought you didn’t even hear Clyde run after you into the water. Suddenly you were being lifted up from an arm wrapping around your waist, and another hand was taking the prizes from your grasp. “Y’ know it’s rude t’ open presents early Sunshine,” he chuckled while walking back to the blanket.
Your eyes widened, was he planning on giving you these? It wasn’t like you were opposed to them, it was the opposite in fact. You had hoped that this trip was going to take your relationship to the next level. You had even mentioned it to Clyde the other day over text, and he knew that you wanted to set boundaries before the two of you continued down that road. But this just seemed so sudden and out of character for him, he was usually so timid and shy around you. Unless you took into account the morning the two of you were buried between the other’s legs, which surely wasn’t the shy man you had grown to know.
Clyde plopped you down on the blanket, situating himself between your legs. Sitting back on his heels while holding the toys in his metal hand. “I’m sorry Clyde, I didn’t think they were… you know for me?”
“Hmm,” he responded, trying to keep his gaze away from yours. He was clearly embarrassed, his plan of giving these to you didn’t go as he wanted it to. You reached up and placed your hands on his cheeks, forcing him to make eye contact. “Clyyyddddeeee,” you cooed, trying to get him to smile at you, “I’m not upset at them, just more surprised really.”
“I’m sorry darlin’,” he huffed, “I was hidin’ em in my bag so y’ wouldn’ find em when y’ unpacked earlier. Was supposed t’ be fer later…”
“Oh yeah,” you raised your eyebrows and leaned in to give him a small kiss on the chin, “When were you gonna give them to me, Daddy?”
Clyde let out a huge sigh, the nickname you used seemed to melt his anxiety right away. He tucked his chin and brought his lips back to yours, hungrier than before. “Right after I asked y’ t’ be my woman,” he mumbled into your mouth. Wrapping his right arm around your waist and pressing you flush with his torso. You hummed into his kiss, working your mouths in tandem with one another. One of your hands slid up his face to tangle in his locks, pulling and knotting with his curls, while the other was skating down his chest. Feeling his muscles flex and relax with every movement forward. Silently coaxing you to lay back on the blanket, to which you obliged.
With Clyde towering over you he broke your kiss and trailed light kisses along your neck. Making his way towards your chest, you started to unbutton your flannel so he could have better access. Clyde began nibbling and sucking into the supple flesh of your breasts, the more skin exposed to him, the more desperate his moans were. With your shirt finally opened all the way, Clyde brought his hand up to the bikini, softly squeezing and rubbing his thumb back and forth over your hardening nipples.
“As pretty as this color is on y’, can this come off?” he mumbled between your breasts. You moaned back a yes and Clyde made quick work of untying the top knot of the suit, allowing the fabric to snag and catch on your erect nipples. Clyde leaned back on his knees, taking in the sight of your exposed chest, settling the toys he had been holding in his left hand and beginning to unbutton his own shirt.
You sat up with him and threw off the rest of your tops, moving towards your drying boots. By the time Clyde had his shirt and undershirt off you were wrestling out of your jeans, eager to be bare before him. He grabbed your hands from your zipper, “Now hold on there, y’ didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?”
A deep exhale through his nose, “bout bein’ y’know…” he trailed off and threw his eyes to the side.
“Clyde are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?”
“Bout bein’ my lady (Y/N),” he looked at you with wide eyes, “I know y’ didn’ want t’ be doin’ stuff without a label n’ I’ve wanted y’ as mine fer some time.”
Oh yeah, you thought. You had brought this up over the phone about a week ago since you didn’t want to just be a fling with Clyde, he was a genuine man and you wanted to know him as a partner. But this was the moment he decided to ask you? Both of you half-naked on a beach, you just finding sex toys in his bag, and with horses 20 feet away.
You cleared your throat and reached out for Clyde’s face, grabbed his cheeks and gently tugged him down to you. “Of course Clyde, as long as that means you’re mine too,” you leaned up and gave him a soft and slow kiss making sure to memorize his lips.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way Sunshine,” he smiled into your kiss before pressing you down to deepen it. Clyde moved his metal arm behind your back, seeming to cradle you against the ground while his other hand skated across your bare chest, pawing at your nipples before sliding down your stomach towards your jeans. You hummed into his mouth, coaxing grunts and groans as your hips bucked upwards to his touch. Clyde pulled at your buttons and soon was sliding his hand under your swimsuit bottoms.
You moaned into his touch, callused fingertips softly rubbing your folds. Getting slicked up with your arousal, you couldn’t help but gyrate your hips to his fingers, hoping for more friction. “Let’s get these off y’,” he whispered before breaking your kiss and turning towards your lonely breasts. You quickly wrestled your legs out of your jeans, shucking down your bikini too leaving you bare before him. Pressing on his chest you moved Clyde back onto his heels, hands moving towards his belt.
A few moments later Clyde was up on his feet, throwing off his boots and frantically trying to get out of his jeans. You watched him, memorizing each muscle that rippled as he moved, you brought a hand down to your core to rub at your clit. Clyde’s eyes caught your wandering hand, “Go on an get yerself ready fer yer Daddy,” he pulled down his boxers finally releasing his aching cock. Your eyes widened at the sight, you had forgotten how big he was. His huge cock was swinging freely between his powerful legs, jutting out from his body with a slight curve upwards at the tip. It was hard and leaking precum, desperate to be buried in your tight pussy. He brought a hand to it and lazily started to pump himself while getting down on his knees in front of you.
“Gimme yer hand,” he growled, reaching for your hand to replace his. Slicking up his length with your leftover wetness. Clyde moaned at your touch, hand barely able to fit around his girth. You brought your other hand below to cup his balls, heavy and begging to be played with. You leaned down and brought them to your mouth, moaning at the sweet-savory taste they held. You licked and sucked on them gently causing Clyde to throw his hand backward in pleasure. Your hands were lazily pumpkin him in time with your sucking. Taking one ball into your mouth and softly applying pressure with your tongue before popping it out loudly and moving to the next. Clyde’s metal hand came down to caress your hair while you continue your assault on his sack.
“Spread yer legs baby,” his hand dropped down to your core. Trailing up and down your slit, collecting more of it on his fingertips. Paying extra attention to your entrance before dropping his fingers down lower towards your tight asshole. He gently pressed on your ring, earning a groan from you, and then trailing his fingers back up and sinking his middle finger into your core.
“Oh fuck,” you moaned, “yes Daddy, yessss.”
You pulled back from his balls, continuing your drag of his cock with one hand while the other was reaching for the lube bottle he brought. Clyde was pumping you full with his one finger but you were desperate for more. “Here baby,” you said while squeezing some on his fingers while they were pulled out, adding to the already delicious squelch coming from your pussy. Clyde groaned and proceeded to shove two fingers into your heat. Cock thrusting into your palm while you spit on his length to add to his precum.
“Get on y’r hands and knees, let Daddy see y’ from behind,” he pulled back and waited for you to move. Quickly scrambling up on all fours, spreading your legs wide enough so he could get a glimpse of your wet folds, sticking your ass in the air. “Like this Daddy?” you asked breathless in anticipation.
Clyde brought up his metal hand to your lower back, pressing it down causing your back to curve even more. Your ass was now directly in front of him, close enough to taste.
And taste he did, bringing his lips up to your cheeks, being sure to bite and suck fresh marks into the supple skin. You moaned at the rough treatment, bucking back into him. He brought another hand up to spread your wetness from your folds up to your tight ring. Kissing your left cheek while he pressed again on your asshole, getting it all lubed up from your core.
“Please Clyde, you’re driving me crazy. I need you,” you cried out trying to move his hand more and more. You needed him to fuck you, needed him to do really anything. You were so riled up. One last kiss to your cheek and he pulled back, settling on his knees behind you. “Since you' asked so nicely,” he lined his cock up at your entrance, “Try t’ be quiet, don’ wanna spook the horses.”
He pushed in, fully sheathing his cock inside you with one thrust. The sheer stretch and length of him knocked the wind out of your lungs. Feeling like you could cum then and there. He pulled back just enough to keep the tip inside and placed both hands on your hips. Pressing back inside you, again and again, being sure to not pull out entirely.
You were a moaning and crying mess, trying desperately to keep your voice down. Clyde was no different, each clench of your pussy around his cock made him groan. The sick slapping of skin filled the air around you. If anyone was floating on the water they sure were getting a show from the shoreline. Clyde was pounding into you like it was the last thing he would ever do, being sure to snap his hips back into harder and harder each time. You were so close, you propped yourself up on your hands and looked at him over your shoulder.
He was a mess, hair stuck to his forehead from the sweat. His pale skin was blushed from the chest all the way to the tips of his ears. He was grunting and groaning, watching his cock sink into your tight little pussy with each stroke. Looking up at you he smiled, leaning over you and capturing your lips in a small kiss, being sure to keep his pace even. You reached a hand down between your legs and started rubbing your clit, instantly clenching on him when you made contact.
“Jesus fuck (Y/N), cum on my cock,” he panted, “Fuckin’ y’r so tight, please cum on me.” His begging was all you needed, you rubbed and rubbed being sure to keep in time with Clyde's thrusts. “Oh fuck Clyde I’m… I’ mm-”
Your eyes rolled back into your head. Shoving your head down onto the blanket to hide your screams. You were clenching all around him, gushing on his length. Clyde roared as you came, coaxing his own release out of his cock. Pushing his hot sticky cum deep inside you where no one else had gone. His thrusts became slower and slower as you both came down from your high. Clyde leaned forward and softly kissed your shoulder, pulling out while he did. Your pussy squelched once he was out, begging to be filled again. Cum was pushed out of you, sticking to your legs.
Rolling on your side you were breathless looking at Clyde. He was laying on his left side, head angled to lay on the ground. Breathing heavily and just staring at you like you were the most important thing in the world. His eyes were dancing all across your face, memorizing the sweat and tears that had fallen on your cheeks.
“That was amazing,” you said after finally catching your breath.
“Better than I imagined,” he smiled at you. You couldn’t stop staring at each other, not wanting to move from your cocoon of post-sex bliss. Nothing in the world mattered now but the two of you. Behind you, Spirit snorted at you both causing Clyde to break contact with you and acknowledge the horses. “We should probably pack up, Leroy’s probably torn the place apart with us bein’ gone so long.”
You hummed at him and began sitting up, grabbing your respective clothes in silence. Once the both of you were dressed and the bag was repacked Clyde grabbed your hand and kissed it, “We should ride back slow, don’ want y’ bein’ sore.”
You snorted at him and put on your hat, “I think I’ll be okay, boyfriend.”
TAGLIST: @finn-ray-nal-beads @morby @clumsycopy @onlykyloscenes @desiraypark @kirah36 @candycanes19
*Here is the plug he brought us ;): https://sextoynerds.com/reviews/njoy-pure-plug-stainless-steel/
**Here is the lube he brought, it's actually a really great lube. I use it along with another: https://www.adameve.com/sex-lubes/anal-sex-lubes/sp-sliquid-naturals-sassy-lubricating-gel-92290.aspx
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Something Else is Taking Over
Hey y’all I overcame some writer’s block with some Welcome to Night Vale whump (just discovered the podcast, loving it! It has whumptential >:3) Cecil is experiencing strange blackouts, which lead him to waking up in different places, all beat up. Carlos cleans him up after he gets quite hurt from one such episode. Tw: possession
It first occurred to Cecil that something was amiss when he suddenly found himself in the diner. Except, it was the daytime. The diner was only open at night. Except, he was on the floor. Bleeding. The glass door was broken, a Cecil-shaped hole smashed into it.
He looked around. How the hell? It seemed that he was just at the grocery store, purchasing some wheat-free bread. Everything went black, for just a brief moment, and here he was.
Still attempting to process what happened, he slowly got up, then snatched some napkins from the nearest booth and pressed them to his bleeding arm. He then quietly opened the door and ran out, hoping he wouldn’t have to explain his break-and-enter to the sheriff’s secret police.
His car was out in the parking lot. The purple Volkswagen’s driver door was open and the keys were still in the ignition, although it was not running. Cecil was left with many questions. Usually he did not entertain questions, because he would go insane if he tried to search for answers to every question his Night Vale life created. He was conditioned to accept the strangeness of his town, to be fond of it even. But never had he been buying bread and then suddenly transported into a diner, seemingly having to have broken in to the place.
He carried on with his duties of the day. Attending a press conference on the new playground adjacent to the dog park, and how no children are allowed to play on it, visiting Carlos to see what he had discovered about Night Vale today, and going out into the sand wastes to observe the giant sand snake and the blue helicopters circling above.
When the evening came, Cecil sat in his recording booth. He flipped a switch, which caused the ‘ON AIR’ sign to illuminate. The broadcast then began.
“A man in a black coat means misfortune. A man not wearing a black coat also means misfortune. You are not safe. Welcome to-”
He blacked out. Then, a brief vision of the front of city hall. Then black again. After that, Cecil suddenly shook awake on the grimy space-themed carpet of the arcade in the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.
“Hey! Cecil! You alright?” A middle-aged man in a bowling shirt called as he ran over, carrying a red bag with a white cross.
“Teddy? Oh… my head… my nose…”
“Don’t move, Cecil. So… what happened to him?” said Teddy Williams, looking up at two boys who stood nearby.
The first boy looked up at Dr. Williams nervously. “Well… you see… you were probably in the back… when he went totally berserk! He ran across the nice lanes, sir! And then he ran into the arcade-”
The second boy slapped him. “Get to the point. You threw a five-pin bowling ball at his head. Hit him right in the face. That’s why his nose is bleeding!”
“Dr. Williams, this isn’t true! I’m not the one who threw the bowling ball, Jimmy is!”
“I don’t care who threw the ball, get outta my bowling alley!” snapped Teddy Williams. “Balls are not to be taken out of the lane area, nor thrown at people! Get out!” The two boys quickly exited the premises as Teddy kneeled in front of Cecil.
“Cecil? You alright, buddy?” He took a penlight and shined it in Cecil’s eyes.
“Bowling ball?” said Cecil, “Oww. Listen Teddy… I don’t know how I got here…”
“I was listening to your broadcast. You got cut off. Then there were… a lot of crashing sounds. Then dead air. Soon enough someone comes running to me about a man trying to crawl into the pin retrieval area of lane ten. I was ready with my broom to chase the intruder when someone again came to my office to tell me that the ‘radio guy’ got hit in the head with a bowling ball. So I put the broom down and brought my medical kit instead.”
“That… what? I… I blacked out, Teddy… I was running around like a madman? Owww… that explains the pain throbbing through my whole head. Maybe that kid was right to hit me with a bowling ball.”
“I don’t know, I didn’t see. That’s not important right now Cecil, what’s important is getting you fixed up. Pupil response is fine, your brain didn’t get scrambled. Your nose needs some fixing, though. Come to my office.” Teddy helped Cecil up and gave him some gauze to hold to his face.
“Sit down… lemme see here…” said Teddy as he took his light and examined Cecil’s nose. “Swollen like a balloon. I… think we should wait for the swelling to go down so the damage can be seen easier. Plus, this is a bowling alley, not a medical facility. Tough luck, Cecil. Just put some ice on it and see someone in a day or two.”
“Thanks, Teddy…” said Cecil, sulking out of the office. Teddy tossed him a cold pack.
“Keep it. I… hope you’ll be alright, Cecil.”
Cecil spent the rest of the evening laying around in pain, holding ice to his face. He eventually went to bed in an attempt to get some rest. These blackouts had left him tired and achy for some reason. Maybe I should get an appointment with the doctor. Or the jam salesman, perhaps, he thought before going to sleep.
Cecil’s morning went as normally as normal could be. The shrill cries of various sand-monsters in his backyard woke him up at the crack of dawn. After chasing them off his property with his broom, he kneeled at the blood stone circle in his kitchen, still wearing his purple collared pyjamas, to begin the day with a short devotional.
And that’s when he blacked out once again. This time he caught a glimpse of the outside of the library, and then the interior of the Arby’s. After another period of sensing nothing but void, he awakened on a cold linoleum floor. In pain. A lot of pain.
“Cecil! Oh god… it’s you! How is it you? What? I…” he heard the voice of Carlos say. Cecil grimaced and groaned in pain as Carlos tried his best to gently roll him over. “Cecil… you just… smashed through the window… but… you didn’t look like you. Your eyes… they were all white. You… you could float… oh man… there’s blood everywhere…”
“C-Carlos?” Cecil groaned, looking up at his boyfriend, “Carlos… w-what are you implying? Augh… it hurts… help me…”
“Whatever. We’ll address that later. Let’s just… get you cleaned up.” He gently lifted Cecil in his arms, grimacing when Cecil did from the pain. He made his way back into the lab, cleared off the top of a lab bench, and laid Cecil on it.
“Hang in there, Cecil…” said Carlos as he frantically gathered medical supplies, “I’m not a doctor, but I’ve got enough knowledge in advanced first aid…” he rummaged through a large first aid kit and laid out bandages, antiseptic, a pair of forceps, a cold pack, and many more items. He folded up an extra lab coat and placed it behind Cecil’s head, then proceeded to put on some blue medical gloves.
“Alright, Cecil, let’s just have a look…” he said in a calm, yet concerned voice, “glass… some much glass, oh Cecil…” Cecil had suffered a large number of cuts from smashing through the window and whatever else he did before ending up here, many with glass embedded in the wound. As Carlos continued assessing his boyfriend’s condition, he noticed that Cecil’s left arm was very swollen. He gently brought Cecil’s arm over, which caused Cecil to flinch.
“Sorry... just hold still, I gotta feel this… I’m worried it’s broken…” Carlos felt the injured arm until Cecil couldn’t help but convulse in pain.
“I’m not sure if that’s broken or not… oh dear… but your nose does seem broken, however. Ok, we’ll deal with bones later… I need to take care of the bleeding… you okay, Cecil?”
“H-hanging in there, Carlos…” he whimpered. Carlos looked a Cecil with concern and compassion before getting the gauze and other supplies ready. After sterilizing the forceps, he’s decided to start with removing a larger shard of glass.
“Okay, Cecil... this is going to hurt...” he said, taking Cecil’s right arm. He picked up the forceps. “Hold still... deep breath...” Cecil followed that instruction, drawing air in and holding it as Carlos swiftly worked the piece of glass out of the wound. After dropping it aside on a metal tray, he quickly applied pressure to the cut.
“Okay… two more. These ones aren’t as big.” He quickly removed the next two pieces of glass and worked to get the bleeding under control. Cecil whimpered.
“Hey, deep breaths. I know it hurts. I’m going to get you to the hospital after I clean and bandage the worst of these cuts, okay?” Carlos put his hand on Cecil’s chest. “Breathe.”
Cecil nodded and followed the instruction to take a deep breath through the pain. It hurt quite a lot. Everywhere. His arms, his head, his legs, everything. As Carlos kept one comforting hand on Cecil’s chest, he used the other to gather some gauze. He took it away to soak the cotton in antiseptic.
“This will sting, hold still…” Carlos gently cleaned the wounds, pausing whenever Cecil winced or made a sound of discomfort. Eventually, he had gently cleaned all the cuts he could see and had covered them.
“Okay, you did really good… I’ll just put that arm in a sling and we’ll get you to the hospital. Come on, I’ll help you down from there.” Carlos proceeded to help Cecil sit up, then move to a stool next to the lab bench.
“I’ll just take your arm… now Cecil… I just want to know… what’s happening to you?”
“I started blacking out and waking up in different- ouch! -places,” Cecil explained, flinching when Carlos moved his arm the wrong way. “Sometimes catching glimpses of random locations… I always seem to be floating. And… at a high speed…”
Carlos gently tied up the injured arm in the sling. “Yeah… yeah you were. Flying, I mean. Your eyes… they were all white… no pupils. It took me a second to realize it was you… but… not you. You scared me. Cecil… I don’t think I even have to ask, but are cases of… possession common here?”
“It happens, for sure,” said Cecil, “but- ah! Easy there! I keep myself protected with blood stone rituals and whatever… oh no…”
“Can whatever is possessing you be driven out? Like… is there a cure?”
“Depends on the thing, I guess…”
“Alright. Maybe the doctors at the hospital know more than I do. But we gotta stop whatever this thing is from just… completely wrecking your body.”
Cecil nodded. “But I mean… without a host, wouldn’t it die? Or possess someone else?”
“Cecil, don’t sympathize with whatever is possessing you, please. I’m sure they’ll kill it before it affects anyone else. Or something. I don’t exactly know how these things work yet. Let’s just get to the hospital, shall we?”
Carlos helped Cecil into the passenger seat of his car, then quickly drove off to Night Vale General Hospital. After paying a parking fee of five tears, he helped Cecil into the emergency department.
It was a busy night; they were in for a long wait. “Hour and a half, at least,” said the tired triage nurse at the desk, “take a seat.” Cecil sat down. He was shaking a little, and Carlos noticed this.
“You okay?” said Carlos, putting his hand on Cecil’s shoulder.
“Oh? Me?” Cecil then sighed. “Yeah… yeah I never liked hospitals. They’re too bright. They smell too clean. There’s too many machines. They also smell of the miasma of disease. I don’t know which is stronger.”
“Ah. Yeah, I know it can be uncomfortable. This is my kind of element, of course, working in science, but I can see how it’s unsettling to someone who works in a cozy, dark recording booth. I’m here, Cecil. Just focus on me.”
Cecil closed his eyes and nodded. He held Carlos’ hand as he settled in for the long wait.
About 15 minutes had passed when Cecil blacked out again. This blackout was very brief this time. When he woke up he was in a hospital bed. His whole body felt numb and heavy, as if he had had a couple drinks. Carlos looked into his eyes.
“Cuh… Carlos?” He groaned, “Carlos… what… happened…”
“You, uh… you had another episode. They sedated you. Fixed you up. Got rid of that demon that had taken up residence. Put it in a demon-proof jar for me to study. I’m glad you’re awake,” Carlos explained gently, “I gotcha. You’re going to be alright.”
“Thank you… Carlos…” said Cecil weakly. Carlos held on to Cecil’s limp hand.
“Don’t mention it. Now get some rest. I’ll be right here.”
#welcome to night vale#wtnv cecil#cecil x carlos#wtnv whump#whump fic#possession tw#possession whump
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thea gushes over kate's "alex vs the school for good" fanfic
i've reread this fanfic twice before it was finished but now it's finished, therefore i will read this beautiful work of art a third time and i have no regrets because this is the best fanfic in the entire fandom and i love kate so let's go (u never asked for it but here it is @pumpkinpaperweight)
i love how alex's close relationship with her parents, especially tedros, is already established within the first scene
alex is so witty and her mind is so sharp i've missed her so much :')
alex ribbin on tedros and agatha laughin as a sign of encouragement is my favorite thing
chapter 3: hooray for teenage angst
I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THE FACT THAT TEDROS NAMED HIS DOG CHICKEN THAT IS SUCH A TEDROS THING TO DO
will there be a one shot on the multiple ooty ambassor incidents????? i am Excited
"...and the author of this tale had lost their copy of The School for Good and Evil, and therefore could not remember exactly what the School for Good was meant to look like. They were running entirely off memory, and not doing a bad job, all things considered." KATE AKSKSJDKLFJ
get this: what if the camelot years were just a fever dream and alex vs is canon. what if.
chapter 10: these dogs are still alive for plot devices and comic relief don't @ me
marcy girl chill out
omg dean cromwell vs alex wearing the boys' uniform scene - iconic and sora-approved
oh my god i actually thought sophie stopping thorne was a scene in the actual books instead of in alex vs skdjkdfs
i love kate's adult! sophie - very realistic and in character
chapter 13: HA! GAY!
talib and sora my babies my precious my lovelies
"talib grinned, looking back in the direction of the classroom - sora kept looking at him and missed a step on the stairs" gay
chapter 15: my gran could do better, and she killed a warlock with a cheesecake - I LOVE THE CHAPTER TITLES SO MUCH
alex is so precious why are people being so mean to her :'( sora and i will happily burn them alive
"chaddick and lancelot always smacked her with the butt of the sword to signify a hit, but tedros had tended to sort of half-heartedly shove her off of the mat, unwilling to hurt her" tedros being a good and caring soft dad :')
"alex, what does your dad have?" "low self-esteem?" JESUS ALEX SKDFJLSDJFLJFSLDJ
"alex's temper was utterly uncontrollable, and hort didn't know how he'd forgotten- now it was all rushing back to him in one big, rather traumatic, wave" I'M LAUGHING
omg four year old alex defending her father i'm heart eyes
#i don't like this cromwell bat bring dovey back
"sora's brain was still trying to work out which panic he should prioritise more -the super deadly predators trotting at his feet, or the fact that talib was holding his hand?" Gay
seeing alex cry is like seeing a friend crying - it makes you sad and murderous
"we have been in so many fights.” said alex tiredly. “i wish our author would think of something else. but she won’t, it’s the Trial by Tale next, and that’s all fighting” KATE
chapter 21: EMMA, THEY'RE HOMOSEXUALS
"sora had snatched nadiya’s handkerchief and thrown it to talib like a maid watching her favourite knight" [crying] i would kill a small child for them
sora and alex trying to hide behind each other at the same time is makin me burst into hysterics
oooo sora bout to murder a bitch
sophie acting like an actual dean :')
nadiya's such a queen we stan
june being friends with talib and fondly calling him an idiot is my new religion
alex saying she's the "loser daughter" and me knowing that tedros and agatha are watching her right now hurts. thanks a lot kate
june and thorne???? ship????
omg sora laying it on thick and pretending to be unconscious so talib could carry him sldjsdlkfjdslf
SORA COMPLIMENTING TALIB ON HOW BEAUTIFUL HE LOOKS IN FRONT OF THEIR CLASSMATES
"my darling angel prince" that's Gay "sora fiddled with talib's collar" GAYYYYY
"gentle marital dispute" i adore kate's humor
TALIB PUNCHING THORNE TO PROTECT SORA
"wow,” said sora dreamily.
“he just punched someone in the face, sora,” sighed marcy.
“i’m dying, not blind. that was hot--”
im going to have a heart attack
sora dragging tedros is my new favorite thing
"sora smiled in a very self-satisfied sort of way, almost as if he knew the annoyance he’d caused several hundred miles away" this is sora's true talent
i love how alex breaks the 4th wall
sora: i don't know whether you've noticed, alex, but i can be really rude?
alex: ur not that rude to me
sora: because i thought it might make u cry
:') i love their friendship so much
yes alex! call him out! sora IS emotionally constipated!
omg im curious as to what color alex's fingerglow is
OMG ALEX'S TALENT IS RELATED TO AGATHA'S I LOVE IT
newsflash cromwell! we don't care about ur reputation OR you
alex clutching onto her aunt's arm :'(
awwwwhhh alex w curly hair!! <3
talib is the sweetest boy ever oh my goodness
OH MY GOD HE'S A PISCES OF COURSE KSJFSDJF SOFT BOY
sora is an aquarius HAHA suits him
alex's dramatic entrances are clearly from sophie's influence :')
talib gifting sora roses that's Gay
sora foreshadowing how ros and raiden will get along >:)
sora is a grumpy old man in a 16 year old body but WILL eat his friend's questionably edible birthday cake made for him don’t test him
TALIB AND SORA KISSING QUEEN KATE REALLY DELIVERS
SORA MAKING THE FIRST MOVE I AM SCREECHING I AM GOING TO BITE MY ARM OFF
oh my go d talib don't go ohmygod kate why
OMG ROSALINE POV I'M EXCITED
agatha planning a wrestling match with her and tedros vs cromwell and agatha confirming that the coven have spilled blood over june and will not hesitate to do it again is my favorite thing
if u look closely or if u look at all, ros is clearly a never
tedros: i don't have favorites
agatha: i do. you're my least favorite
tedros: i'm ur husband
agatha: so?
omg alex is tedros' favorite and marcus is agatha's favorite so does that mean ros is sophie's favorite
and now we're in marcus' POV? kate just keeps delivering
omg the famous camelot family scene i've been waiting for is finally coming to fruition
it's official: we stan emi
whenever i hear somebody call agatha the queen of camelot, i get this tight ache of pride in my chest
i love how marcus just looks at his father and tedros knows exactly what he's asking :')
raiden and the twins, marcus and ros? my Body is Ready for ros vs
WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE SLAMMING THE DOOR OPEN IN THIS FANFIC KSHFDJFSLJLJ
anemone campaigning for a ranking board that says who has the hots for who is something i can get behind
"there was a brief scuffle whilst both tedros and agatha fought to hug alex at the same time, which she didn't look in the least bothered about" ALEX FAMILY TIME YAY <3
alex introducing agatha, her famous mother, to her roommates is one of my favorite things
"alex stuck her tongue out at her and went back to rifling in her mother's cloak pockets for food" if this isn’t me -
alex being a wingwoman to make her mom sign marcy's copy of the tale of sophie and agatha is my favorite thing #1972934794
talib not recoginizing tedros as the king of camelot but as alex's dad :')
THE COLD SHOULDER SMOULDER
i love how ros could tell how much a fashion piece costs and what material it is just by looking at it
"there was a resounding crash, and another blade caught his, halfway" i love how tedros entered into this chapter kate is such a good writer
im lovin these marcus and ros descriptions
"rosalind and marcus looked at each other, then, slowly, back at jimmy. both of them suddenly looked a lot older than they were. raiden wondered how much damage they could do as a team. probably quite a lot" "raiden resisted the urge to squish marcus's cheeks" ROS VS HERE I COME
sophie rushing bc she senses drama is a big mood
omg i love these camelot year references
"...whilst tedros tried to pretend he hadn't just tried to shove agatha behind him, and awkwardly returned Excalibur to its sheath" his instincts :')
people mentioning that alex is a big sister makes me feel warm inside
the image of tedros braiding rosalind's hair gives me heart eyes
OMG GIN MILLS AND THE GOODS REFERENCE HAHA I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE KATE
im glad they're talking about alex and the reverse mogrification incident! i am also Intrigued
wait i thought ros and marcus were 10 years old? but agatha mentions how ros is 13? did i miss something
alex and hester aunt and niece relationship :')
this unspoken understanding between the pendragons is everything bless u kate
"i love it when Evers act like Nevers," emi told her grandsons from under her tree. “it’s good for the liver.”
EMI KNOWS ROS IS A NEVER SHE CALLED IT
oh alex u sweet darling child of course sora and talib are boyfriends even thorne could see it
this alex and thorne thing? gotta say,,,,,, i see the ship possibilities
SORA YOU EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BUFFOON JUST TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND TALIB OH MY GOD
omg the everboys sitting in the beautification lesson im excited
emma,,,,... darling,,,,.........,,, they're Gay
i support alex's plan to look hot for the snow ball and single-handedly destroy the buffet
i love how tyler and marcy are in the squad now :')
anemone: WHO
talib: i'm not telling u!
anemone: WHICH GIRL
talib: not a - not a. uh, girl
anemone: I RESPECT THAT ALSO
tyler, nadiya, and marcy quietly discussing alex's type LKSDJFLSJFK
sora im bout to body slam u talk to ur bf u idiot donkey don't be like teenage tedros and agatha
"akiyama sora is a dead man," muttered nadiya" i bow to one (1) queen
SORA'S GAY PANIC
chapter 29: fellas is it gay to protect roses from winter damage
"poor thing,” she added as an afterthought. alex was forcibly reminded of her aunt’s 100% Evil status"
i love these scenes with sophie <3
"er. it's okay, professor," said sora's mouth. alex for the love of christ help me you useless git, said sora's eyes"
FINALLY SORA YOUR TWO BRAIN CELLS KISSED AND EXPERIENCED COMMON SENSE
alex saying marcy has horrible taste in men but swearing to take tyler's kidneys if he doesn't go for marcy - true friendship
AWWWWHHHHHH ALEX CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE EVERGIRLS WHO DON'T WANT DATES TO GO TO THE SNOW BALL WITH ANEMONE <333333
anemone just said the f word is this legal
the amount of times i've screamed over sora nd talib is too much to count - sometimes in excitement and sometimes in pain
"he was cut off when talib seized his collar and kissed him, much harder than sora had kissed him the first time" my lungs are exploding
ANEMONE IS ME I AM ANEMONE
"sora exercised all the curse words he knew in her native language. alex grinned. "you sound like ros. except ros knows more words" oh??????????
i've smiled more reading chapter 29 than i have this whole year
sora: weren't u listening to the announcement yesterday
alex: who was doing the announcing?
sora: pollux
alex: nope
love that tedros deemed his wedding outfit a Sacred Object
i love how tedros and rosalind bond over fashion
alex has a daily ritual of high-fiving the statue of king arthur, her grandfather. i love her.
omg tedros adopting a pseudo father figure role over tyler love that
i said love so many times but i can't help it this fic is just too good
it's official: sora is alex's partner in crime
so just to catch up, the squad consists of alex, nadiya, sora, talib, tyler, marcy, and june - and out of this chaos rises a mom friend: nadi
i never knew how much i wanted to see the teachers gossiping until i got it
of course agatha never hired a nanny for her children she loves them too much to ever not raise them herself >:((((((
magazine with a pic of talib: major hottie alert!
sora: finally, some high-end journalism
kate ur mind is amazing
omg i love this curses! the musical plot point im excited
ros? as the queen of camelot? Sign Me Up
SORA ND ALEX WROTE THE SCRIPT KSJFSDLJFSLD HERE WE GO
alex is drawing a six pack on her stomach with a pen to prepare for her role as tedros somebody please help me my lungs have ruptured
title reference on a crop top!! impressive!!
"MORE PANACHE !" sophie bellowed at the stage" did soman write this or did u kate
is marcus on the autism spectrum???? it would be great if he was
"alex said a quick prayer to rosalind, patron saint of spinning half-truths to people and getting away with it"
im grinning so hard at agatha possibly dying of laughter during alex's rendition of curses! the musical
"tedros made a sound like an animal in pain and sank down so low in his seat that he was barely visible. agatha burst into hysterical cackles, reminding ros, not for the first time, that she had been raised by an actual witch" "'tedros' and 'hort' had a rap battle that ended up getting too personal and devolved into a fistfight" AGATHA AND I ARE BOTH GOING TO DIE
"she turned around, saw tedros stood behind her, and screamed. tedros held up the programme, open on the page which said rewritten by akiyama sora and alex pendragon. alex screamed louder."
i adore the news' headlines
what's on the school master's mind??????????
omg is it about marcus and ros??
YES IT IS SKFDSJFL
chinhae is ros' friend and both of their names were circled in red bc the school master has a plan for them. whoaaaaaa
"slowly, she turned back to look up at the school master's tower. and got the distinct feeling someone was meeting her gaze" chills
finished 1:06 AM june 14, 2020
#this is so LONG sorry!!!#but i just love alex vs so much#i don't read fanfics at all so this is all yall are gonna get#i mean besides kate's fanfics ofc#alex vs#sge fanfic#kate#thea reads
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Three Days ~ 54
~*~Emma~*~
Fuck me. The sounds he's making are making me so hot. I don't think I could squeeze my legs together tighter than the last few seconds when I knew he was going to come. I'd like to keep him on edge longer, like he did me Friday. Make his body beg for me. Setting myself a goal.
I moved next to him on the bed and took off my shorts. While running my hand over his chest, I kissed him, "Good thing it's not your legs I need."
Sebastian rolled on top of me with a smile, "I definitely have what you need."
"Hearing you was quite the turn-on.” I hooked my leg around his and rubbed against his thigh.
He shifted where his thigh split and was tight against me. "That what you need, Emma?"
The big tease licked my upper lip. I rode his thigh. "Not quite, but it is where I need you."
"I can tell." He kissed down my body, pausing at my stomach to look up to me. "That's all the teasing I have in me. You sucked it out of me."
My laugh turned to a moan with the feel of his tongue against my clit. I curled my hips to get closer to his mouth.
"Bossy girl."
"You threw lube at me."
"To you. Not at you."
I repeated my sentence with a change of preposition. "You threw lube to me, bossy boy."
His smirk was cute, but turned dirty with the add-in of the evil twinkle in those blue eyes, "I had needs."
I put a hand on the back of his head and pushed him down, "So do I."
Sebastian went to work and it didn't take long for him to have me squirming and bracing my hands on the wall. Right before I came, he slid his fingers inside me, giving my body something to hold on to. I cried out his name and sank boneless on the bed.
He nuzzled and kissed my neck, "Did I gave you what you needed, baby?"
"Mmm, yeah. Exactly what I needed."
Rolling to his side, Sebastian took me with me, kissing me more like foreplay than cuddling after. Not complaining. When I felt him start to stiffen, I reached between us to stroke him to full hardness. Sebastian produced a condom from nowhere. He rolled back on top of me and I lead him inside me. Moans were muffled by our kissing. We moved together, our hips colliding. I whimpered with the loss of him filling me when he pulled out. He took one of my legs across my body, turning my hips to the side, before entering me again. Sebastian stayed up on his arms and I held onto his biceps. The eye contact made up for the lack of physical contact. He was the one to break it, biting his lip and dropping his head.
"I love how you feel. Being inside you. Gonna come." He brought his eyes back to mine. "Oh god..."
I cried out with him. His last thrust driving so deep.
Sebastian fell beside me, scooting up close to press his front to my back. He reached around me, his fingers returning to between my legs. I was using his other arm as a pillow and his hand was on my breast. His fingers were doing wonderful things to me. The tight grip and fast movements were too much, I turned my head to kiss him, wanting as much of him as I could get to ride out my orgasm.
Now our kisses dropped in intensity for cuddling after. I rolled over to press close to him. This was going to have to linger in my memory through Georgia and Canada. My hands soaked in the feel of him. I think he was doing the same. At least the way he held on seemed like. I noticed how perfectly we fit together. Legs intertwined and my head tucked under his chin. The tenderness with which he kissed my head, leaving his lips against me, made me smile. "Our hello and goodbye sex game is strong." I snickered, "And everything in between."
"I was gonna say.... everything is pretty fucking good."
"I have no complaints."
"If you did, I'd have to go down on you again to try and change your mind."
We laid in bed kissing, touching, and talking until there was no time left.
I grabbed my stuff out of the bathroom after I pee'd and started shoving my shit in my bag. I’d just dump it into the laundry when I got home. Sebastian came out of the bathroom looking so good my mouth watered. He held up a purple toothbrush, "This yours?"
I figured he already knew the answer, but played along. "Yes." I walked over, going for it, only to have him move it out of reach.
"I'm keeping this. You'll have to come back and get it."
I laid my hands on his sides, sliding around to hold onto his back, "My toothbrush isn't what will bring me back."
The slow smile that lit up his face warmed me from the inside. I wasn't sure if he was teasing or feeling insecure. I wasn't concerned with the distance but remembered him saying he got insecure and pulled closer. I went with that and kissed him until the phone in my pocket buzzed. My ride was here. I texted that I’d be right down and zipped up my bag.
Sebastian carried my bag and walked me down. He handed it off to the driver and hugged me tight, "Call me when you're home safe."
"I will."
He put his hands on my face, bringing me in for a kiss. I held onto him and tried not to melt. He backed away and looked at me for long seconds. "You're so beautiful." The tone of his voice left me speechless. His kiss was soft as his voice, "I'll talk to you later." I nodded with a smile and got in the car.
A block and a half later I felt this warmth wash over me from head to toe and started laughing.
Fuck, I love him.
Should I go back and tell him? I should go back and tell him. No. I'd still have to leave. I don’t want to say I love you and leave. I want to say I love you and stay. Instead, I'll get on the train and grin like an idiot for the next hour and a half. Or two weeks.
~*~*~
I was over halfway home when the girls posted the pictures with Sebastian on Instagram. They’d kept the hug one for themselves. They posted the one with both of them, the singles, and lastly, was a picture of him and me. Our joined hands rested on the table and he was smiling. There was a heart emoji over my face. Could have been the poop one. Their post said, “@imsebastianstan on a brunch date. We were afraid to talk to him, but he was the sweetest. Said he thought Bucky and Steve had talked about the shield and Bucky would do whatever Steve needed him to. He smells amazing. Asked us to wait to post and hide her face. We got your back, baby!”
Cute. They had been hit hard by comments asking for more information. They said I was pretty, had offered to take the pictures, and had good taste in men. They’d seen us laughing and sharing food. They’d thought it was cute. Some others didn’t. There were a lot of opinions. I didn’t spend much time reading them. A quick glance and I shut it down.
Sebastian had posted something too. A picture of two open drawers in his dresser. “When you’re so tired you forget which drawer is which and looking for your underwear you find your socks. #switched.” He was smart. He posted not too long after the girls had. Brought the focus to him. He was spammed with questions about brunch. None of which he answered.
Once home, I pulled my suitcase to the laundry room, poured myself a glass of wine, and went back to the couch to call Sebastian. I used FaceTime, but he put the phone to his ear, "Yeah."
He was asleep. The panic attack had woken him early. "I'm home safe and sound."
"Mmm, good."
"Go to sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Mmm, ok. Wish you were still here, Em." He was gone before I could say anything back.
I took my wine with me to put in a load of laundry. I'd been in a hurry packing and one of his t-shirts had come home with me. I put it to my face and smelled him. Perfect. I threw the clothes I was wearing into the washer and pulled his shirt on. The bright pink dress I'd bought brought a smile to my face. I hung it up and posted it to Instagram with the caption, "Can't wait to wear my new find."
I got an idea.
Some creative positioning and a good three dozen pictures later I had what I wanted. My legs were curled under me with his shirt barely covering my ass, the wine glass was in my hand next to my chest, and my face wore a soft smile. I am not good at selfies, so this was mostly luck. And the camera taking a shot every few seconds. Anything beyond basic photo editing is out of my skill set too. Fortunately, I was confident Sebastian would like whatever I sent. I didn't post this one to Instagram. Just a text saying, "Thinking about the romantic, fun, sexy weekend we just had. Thank you, Bastian xoxo"
I'd barely hit send when my phone rang. I bobbled it, connecting the FaceTime while it was air born. Ed was laughing before I got him right side up. "Hey, dad."
He looked at my shirt, "That's too big for you."
I smiled, "It is very soft though." I pulled the collar over my nose, "Smells good too. Tell me all about what's going on back home. I miss you guys."
With school out, they were spending more time hiking and out at the farm. Olivia had been sending me pictures. Ed was meeting the rest of the guys at Jeff's place in Montana to start work on the next CD. The family was going to meet up with him in Chicago for a Cub's homestand at the end of July. "You should come out. Bring the boyfriend."
I hated baseball on TV but loved it live. The beer and hot dogs helped. "I will. Sebastian is filming in Rome end of July, but I'll check with him."
"Olivia is anxious to meet him. Harper and Jill less so. I'm still ambivalent."
"Eli told him since Jimmy's still alive he'll be ok."
"Or maybe I hadn't figured out where to bury the bodies back then." We both laughed. "You two have a good weekend?"
I could feel my face light up. "Very romantic dinner Friday, hang out with friends Saturday, brunch, and shopping Sunday." I told him what Eli had said and the subsequent conversation today.
"I like how he's worried about you in Georgia, even if he doesn’t completely know why. He'll have eyes on you more often than me.”
"It'll be fine. She has Katie. Something I don't."
He shook his head, "I’ve told you it's not about what you have. It’s about you being happy. You're pretty fucking happy right now."
"I am." I pulled my lips to the side, thinking.
"If you're about to tell me you're in love with him, don't bother. I can tell." His smile matched mine. "I told Jill I loved her on our third date. You get this from me. If you got my sex drive too, he's an even luckier man."
Like Sebastian and I had talked, to Ed I was his. "I wondered where that came from."
He winked, "All me."
~*~*~
The next morning I was in a great mood. I'd slept well and there were only three more days of school. Today and tomorrow were field day which meant I got to wear shorts and a t-shirt to work. We'd had shirts made for the kids. My class was yellow (their choice) with "Marcum's Minions" on the front. By the afternoon I'd feel like I spent the day herding cats, but at least with the bright yellow I could find them. There were few things as funny as watching first graders in a three-legged race. It was mostly falling and trying to get back up. We were eliminated early in tug of war, because first graders. There were lots of tears until I came up with the idea to become the official cheerleaders for Mallory's fifth grade class. She had some bruisers. By the time they won our defeat was forgotten. Tomorrow the middle and high students took over the competition. The elementary kids would cheer them on and run wild. While these days were fun they were also exhausting. No duty-free lunch. No planning. Barely time to pee.
I sat down in the grass when the last of my kids were on the bus. I hadn't checked my phone all day. Sebastian had called during the planning I didn't have and texted a response to the picture I'd sent.
Sebastian ~ You can steal anything as long as I get a picture of you in it.
Emma ~ Purely accidental. I just grabbed the pile on the floor.
Sebastian ~ Then please feel free to steal anything you want and send me a picture of you in it.
Emma ~ Your underwear is next.
Sebastian ~ I'll send you a pair.
Mallory plopped down beside me, "I’m exhausted."
"Me too." I laid my head on her shoulder.
"We're going to Jalisco for Margarita Monday. You in?"
"Absolutely."
We started with ten of us and were down to six when Sebastian texted.
Sebastian ~ Hey, baby. Are you home?
Emma ~ Nope. Mexican restaurant with the girls.
I'd taken a picture of all of us earlier and sent it to him.
Sebastian ~ Looks like trouble.
Emma ~ Long, hot, fun day with screaming children called for margaritas.
Sebastian ~ I bet. I don't want to keep you from your friends.
Emma ~ I'll call when I leave. Won't be late.
Sebastian ~ XOXO
Five faces looked at me. I smiled, "What? I have cheese on my face?" I wiped around my mouth. Chips were awesome.
"No. You had very sweet boyfriend face." This was Toni, one of Mallory's Barbie Bitches.
Tammy (BB#2) joined in, "His a ranked as boyfriend now?"
I grinned, "Definitely boyfriend. Complete with my toothbrush at his place."
"When do we get to see him. Is he on your Instagram?”
"Last week’s victory picture."
I showed it to them, banking that none would be able to make him out.
Tina growled, "He's too tucked up on you to see him clearly."
"Just where I like him." Everyone laughed. "I don't go around taking pictures of him.”
Mallory gave me a look I read as saying, "No, but he sends them."
"I promise, next time I see him I will take a picture and show him off. For now, you'll have to be satisfied with my word that he’s handsome, brown hair, blue eyes, and the best thighs I've ever seen on a man. Beyond that he's great. Sweet, romantic, kind, funny. He's wonderful to me."
Tina elbowed Tammy, "Sounds perfect."
I looked at them, smiling, "Perfect enough for me."
As soon as my phone connected to the CRV I said, "Call Sebastian."
It took several rings for him to pick up. Enough so I thought I'd get his voicemail. I was preparing a message when I heard the phone connect, "Hi gorgeous. Have a good time?"
"I did. What were you up to today?"
"Day one of getting ready for 355. Boring food and excessive ab work."
"I am impressed by how you change your body for roles. That's a full-time job."
He laughed, "It really is. I sat down with Don today to work out a schedule. I'm all over between now and Rome. Daily gym time when I'm home. Things I can do while traveling.”
“Ed invited you to join us in Chicago. He’s recording then everyone’s meeting up for a week in Chicago. He’s a huge Cubs fan. He’ll go every day. The rest of us won’t. I told him it was right around the time you were in Rome.”
“I meet with Emily tomorrow to figure out my schedule.”
“No rush. We’re going anyway, you can join in if you’re here.” I had about five minutes before I got home and could switch over to video and see him. “Talk to me about pap walks.”
“Oh god, why?”
I laughed at the exasperated sound of his voice, “Because I don’t think that means what I think it does and I’d like to not be ignorant.”
“When you put it like that, I can’t wiggle my way out of it.”
“I know, but it does happen to be true.”
“Sometimes pap’s get lucky and catch someone out running errands or outside someplace. I’ve been caught around events, but for the most part no. I’m not at the stage where I get hunted. But more often than not someone’s PR agency calls a photographer and arranges a time and place. That’s why so many pictures have someone looking right at the camera. You know they’re there and why. It’s to get attention or people talking around the release of something or detract from something worse. Girlfriends PR and my PR have called them in before.” He sighed out a breath, “At some point I will ask you to do this with me. Musicians are asked to hide girlfriends. Actors are asked to appear with them. I can’t tell you when or why. I’ll get a call and my PR people will tell me why it’s a good idea. It’s part of it for me. I don’t like dragging you into it and I’ll try to keep you out of it. Other girlfriends used my pap walks for their own PR too, so it benefitted us both. It will not benefit you.”
“Have you had PR girlfriends or NDAs?”
“I’ve had PR dates. One very short-lived PR relationship. The contract was for a month. I fucking hated her. Definitely had an NDA for that. Umm.”
Sebastian paused, which meant he didn’t like this conversation. “Bastian, I’m not bothered by this stuff. I just wanted to know.”
“I can’t see you. I don’t like not being able to see you when we’re talking about shit like this. So I can tell what you’re thinking.”
“Am I that easy to read?”
“Completely.” He laughed. “More I can tell when something shifts.”
I turned off the car, picked up the phone, and grabbed my bag. "I'm home. Give me a second to get inside and you can see me all you want." Shoes and keys were dumped at the door as I hit video. "Hey, baby."
"There you are! That shirt’s awesome."
"This shirt is filthy. I need to toss it in the washer for tomorrow. I shall take you with me." I took off my shirt as I walked.
"Now that’s what I’m talking about. Where's the camera button? Why isn't this working."
"You got a new phone last week, did you turn on that feature?"
"Fuck." He was pouting. "I didn't know I had to."
I stuck my bottom lip out too, "You'll just have to enjoy the live show, dirty boy."
He held up a finger, "One. I've never denied being dirty." He held up another finger. "Two. You're the one walking around in a bra."
I nodded my agreement, "A very unsexy bra."
"Yes, but still half-naked."
I ran upstairs to find a shirt and sat down on the chair in my bedroom. "Back to where we were. NDAs. I have one from a festival after-party that Ed doesn't know I went to. Not because anything happened, but someone is very paranoid." Sebastian raised his eyebrows. "Jared Leto."
He made a face, "Yeah, no, Ed would not be ok with him."
"And you?"
Sebastian ran a hand through his hair. His nervous tells are both easy to spot and crazy sexy. "NDAs are pretty standard. PR reps work it out and send them over. There's a PR business part to almost everything I do. Instagram is mostly me. I'll get asked to post something occasionally. Bottom line, I’m a product. Companies pay a lot of money for me. NDAs protect their investment and my ass if I do something stupid. Disney can't have a friend with benefits giving interviews. It's part of the game I have to play. Like pap walks." He flipped around his tongue and bit his lip. He was thinking. Video is better, he was right, this way I can see what he's doing. "I'm gonna get bitched at because you're not under one."
"I don't care to sign one. Modern-day version of a pinky swear. I’m not going to sell your secrets anyway, so it’s not a big deal."
He tilted his head to the side, still looking uncomfortable. "Why not the other way? If I trust you not to sell my secrets why would you have to."
"Because it doesn't have anything to do with us. It's part of your job. If you volunteer in my class you’re going to have a background check. Doesn't mean I think you're a pedo."
Sebastian had his hand over his mouth, staring at me.
"Did you have a plan?"
He moved his hand, "Avoid for as long as possible." He shifted around and ran his hand through his hair again. "If I'm dating someone with PR they take care of it and I’m not involved except to sign my name on hers. If it's a hookup, no big deal, it's paperwork. Used to feel like an asshole. Got over it. You're not a hookup or have your own PR people. I knew was going to have to bring it up eventually and the thought made me want to vomit. Like you said, it's not personal, but you are very personal. I don't want you involved with NDAs, and pap walks, and fans commenting about you."
"I appreciate that and you're incredibly sweet. I know it’s a package deal. Man and product. There's a fuzzy boundary where the two meet. You just have to help me know which I’m dealing with."
Now he relaxed. "I'm sorry."
I waved his words away, "Nothing to be sorry about."
Sebastian shook his head and smiled, "No, I’m sorry for not giving you more credit, that you'd understand. This is new ground for me."
"I'm sorry it's an uncomfortable conversation."
"Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be. I gotta let go of expecting a bad reaction."
"It'll come. Or it won’t and we'll talk it through."
He lifted his head a little with squinted eyes, "How are you so non-reactive?"
"I’m not. I'm very reactive if people I love or I am threatened. This is nuisance level bullshit we can work around. The big picture is you and I. And we continue to learn about each other, talk about the hard stuff, and make memories together. I want you and whatever comes with you."
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Jimmy & Janis
Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: You about? Janis: Here all week, like Janis: what's up? Jimmy: put the 🎤 down, I've got a different gig for you Jimmy: less funny but still a pisstake Janis: How well does it pay/will I still be the headliner Janis: dealbreakers, boy Jimmy: That's two questions that have nowt to do with each other Jimmy: you don't need the 💰💰 like you need the limelight, rich girl Janis: Oh, just call me an attention whore, that'll seal the deal 🙄 Janis: I'm just filling space where your question ain't yet Jimmy: what should is how 💕😍 I'll be all over socials Jimmy: slag for heroic acts, me Janis: What an offer 😏 Janis: Go on then, how am I saving your life today Jimmy: you're saving my 🐕 Jimmy: if you can Janis: It down a well? Janis: wrong way 'round, that Jimmy: Would I need your help if I knew where it'd pissed off to? Janis: I don't know, give me some details to work with Janis: when did you notice, how'd it get out, etc Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: just come here and help me look Janis: Where are you then Janis: Jesus Jimmy: I know you can't multitask, how do you reckon you're gonna 🙏 and 🏃? Jimmy: [sends her his location which would random af cos stubborn enough to be looking for ages before he asked for her help obvs] Janis: That's my whole life, dickhead Janis: alright, don't know what your dog would be doing there but I'll be there asap Jimmy: write the book on your own time, mate Jimmy: give it a cameo if you find it Janis: Sweet, you gonna draw the pictures? Jimmy: How well's that pay? Janis: Depends how cute you draw the 🐕 Jimmy: [sends her a deliberately crap quick doodle] Jimmy: there you are Janis: Bestseller, like Janis: so much 💰💰 Jimmy: I never said I'd write it for you an' all Janis: yeah well your grasp on the English language ain't all that so Janis: thank fuck Jimmy: you gonna write it in 🍀? Thank feck I won't be able to read a word Jimmy: can only fake so much enthusiasm Janis: Yeah, you aren't great at that either Janis: but let's not focus on your many, many faults Jimmy: Stop flirting with me, I'm busy Janis: Shut up Janis: What can I do but annoy you 'til I get there Jimmy: Have a look at what you just wrote Jimmy: you might do step 1 Janis: Charming Janis: I've been great, tah Jimmy: if it makes you feel better, we can pretend the 🐕 legged it with my 👑 Janis: What actually happened, toad Janis: unlocked gate or not coming back on a walk Jimmy: @iantaylor8 Janis: reckon I might get some convo there? Janis: 👍 for the tip Jimmy: next one'll be 💰 Jimmy: it were there, he threw a strop and chucked it out, now it ain't Janis: Bummer Janis: we'll find it, probably Janis: got a collar or any shit like that? Jimmy: [sends a picture of him holding it like 😒 cos Twix wasn't wearing it, thanks Ian you dick] Janis: 👎 Jimmy: well helpful, you Janis: I'm on my way, dickhead Janis: I can't summon the thing with my mind, soz, I know you think I'm special Jimmy: meant to be #suchanathlete Jimmy: get a move on, dickhead Janis: You know I live in the middle of nowhere Janis: give me 5, at least Jimmy: fuck's sake Janis: You thought I'd moved, yeah Janis: no such 🍀 Jimmy: keep 🙏 for that fake ldr Janis: not having to be 👀 with you would be such a bonus Janis: conference call that shit in Jimmy: not having to kiss you would be massively beneficial to me Jimmy: can't afford to lose any more body parts Janis: we'll find your dog and your ear, stop complaining Jimmy: 💕 Janis: personally, I think you look better without it Jimmy: you've got shit taste Janis: That's you, we've covered that Jimmy: you Janis: 🙄 Janis: take the 🥇 Jimmy: you earned it Janis: oh please Janis: you've run the gauntlet of shit taste olympics Jimmy: don't need to beg for owt, just take it, babe Jimmy: it's alright Janis: be quiet and keep looking Jimmy: been looking for ages Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: 😕 Jimmy: actually 💔 Janis: Your brother and sister helping you? Jimmy: That a dealbreaker an' all? Janis: Nah, just wondering Jimmy: if we can't find the 🐕 then I'll tell 'em Janis: No sense in upsetting 'em if you don't need to, yeah Jimmy: my dad don't need another knobhead 🏆 Jimmy: gonna have enough shit to pack up when we leave Janis: Right Janis: not really coming to protect your da though Janis: dogs cute though so Jimmy: I weren't gonna @ him that you 💕 him Jimmy: bit rude to Mr Lucas Janis: let's not pretend you're doing it on mine or his account though Janis: just don't want me to move in Jimmy: not as my step-mum Jimmy: it might be popular on other sites but it ain't likely to be #goals with our demographic Janis: The lads would like it but they're less vocal with their 💕 Jimmy: more about the body language Jimmy: one bit specifically Janis: doesn't translate well with insta likes and comments Janis: less you can get 'em with an accidental doubletap but their gfs are all over that shit Jimmy: got enough hysterical lasses in my DMs, tah Janis: the struggle is so real Janis: poor you, like Jimmy: [sends her a highlight reel cos imagine tbh] Janis: Do you reckon they ever reread what they write or just send Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: I reckon Bill's turning in his ⚰ Janis: romance is dead, mate Janis: 🥀 Jimmy: re-read and don't hit send, my dear Jimmy: we're trying to avoid 💔😭 for now Janis: 'course Janis: I didn't say dog Janis: optimistic, me Jimmy: won't have to chuck in a box if it is though Janis: don't be morbid Janis: only so much I can take after reading those messages Janis: feeling well 💀 Jimmy: You'll live Jimmy: I'm out of 🚬 so there's nowt but fresh air Janis: That's truly the most devastating thing you've ever said to me Janis: I can get some though Jimmy: You heard me say I've been 👀 for ages Janis: Poor stressed boy Jimmy: Don't take the piss Jimmy: I am Jimmy: I've got work in a bit Janis: 'course you are, your dog is missing Janis: I'm not far from you now so once I get the cigs and get there, I'll take over Jimmy: 👍 Janis: been looking on those cringey neighbourhood sites, if some do-gooder had got it or it'd been hit, it'd be on there and it ain't so that's something, yeah Jimmy: Tah Janis: no big Janis: I'm not a monster Jimmy: if I keep waking you this early, fuck knows what you'll end up looking like Janis: Funny Janis: I weren't asleep anyway, you're alright Jimmy: I get it, gotta stay 💪🏆 Janis: Vampires don't sleep, baby Jimmy: do in the day Jimmy: I should be tucking you in, instead of dragging you out Janis: Add it to your list of failings and crack on Jimmy: ✔ Janis: you smoke [brand] right? Jimmy: #whenshenoticestheshityoucareabout Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: 😂 Janis: Call it your defining feature Janis: along with the 😎 obvs Jimmy: duh Jimmy: nowt else going for me when this new boy shine wears through Janis: keep 🙏 for the day, like Jimmy: *🤞 Jimmy: me and JC don't know each other like that Janis: You don't know him, but he knows you Janis: not unlike your fans Jimmy: There's only room for one fit and mysterious lad round here so he'll have to do one back to the ☁ Janis: Hate the attention, you, well obvious 😏 Jimmy: I get it whether I want it or not Janis: They do Jesus dirty in the paintings Janis: can't compete with a selfie Jimmy: He knows what to do if he's fuming Janis: can't wait for the second coming when he fucks you right up Jimmy: #cancelled Jimmy: me either, sounds like a right laugh Janis: Miss me when I'm saved and you ain't Janis: how starcrossed ldr me from hell, bitch Jimmy: Suicide's a sin, baby, ain't you heard? Janis: so is most stuff, honestly Janis: but I'm 😇 looking Janis: gonna want me around Jimmy: no dickhead's hotter than 😈 don't you wanna be around him? Janis: 🙄 my type, yeah Jimmy: Do you want an answer for that? Janis: The devil loses in the end, you know Janis: back the winner Jimmy: love an underdog, me Jimmy: I get why you don't, rich girl Jimmy: probably get a ��☁ really kick that horse girl fantasy up a notch Janis: Animals don't have souls Janis: Catholic fun 101 Janis: gotta find your dog otherwise it's bad news all 'round Jimmy: 💔🐕⚰🎻☔ Janis: Cheery Janis: know you hate your job but plaster your customer service face on for me Jimmy: you inspired me with your little sermon there, like Janis: you deserved it, like Jimmy: For what? Janis: For implying I'd fuck the devil Jimmy: I never said owt of the sort Jimmy: just asking if you're off lads now 'cause of the one dickhead Janis: I don't think you can say all men are going to hell Janis: thought Asia would be 😍 for that sweeping statement Jimmy: I'll screenshot it for her Janis: 💘 Janis: cute Jimmy: where the fuck are you? Janis: ⛪ Janis: gotta go confess now, thanks a lot Janis: [sends actual location as she's coming up though like calm down] Jimmy: if you could rush it through 🤏 please Jimmy: I dunno, maybe pretend there's a character limit Janis: soz the priest is well invested in hearing all about me fucking the devil Jimmy: can't stop being goals, you Jimmy: come hell or high water Jimmy: tell him to put his 👅 and owt else back in Janis: Lord knows I may as well become a nun according to you Janis: get that good book and that good dick Jimmy: Oi I never said you should, I asked if you were Janis: Not really got the time, have I Jimmy: You've got all night 🧛 girl Jimmy: for a start Janis: When we're not fake out, sure Jimmy: I don't outstay my welcome at parties, that's the other dickhead Janis: This is all irrelevant Janis: and he can turn water into wine, he's never not welcome, boy Jimmy: I didn't mean him Janis: Now you're making it sound like I hooked up with Voldemort Jimmy: I dunno his name or @ do I? Janis: Ha, Harry, actually Jimmy: I never said I wanted to know it, but tah Janis: just trying to avoid Jesus related mixups, don't think he needs the ego boost if I'm honest Jimmy: 👌 Janis: This is you though, yeah Janis: hate to approach the wrong dickhead Janis: [waving like yo] Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: Don't have a bottle of wine in my pocket that were water, soz, just that conditioned to be fake happy to see you Janis: [does 💔 hands 'right, show me where you usually walk her, the route, then you can fuck off whenever you need to'] Jimmy: [walking like a rude hoe not even gonna say hey or anything okay then] Janis: [just shrugging like okay then but purposefully keeping up pace so he can't march ahead] Jimmy: [we strutting in stressed silence] Janis: [on phone, but making a socials post like if you see this dog, 'cos Cass ain't gonna see it on hers so doesn't matter and could help] Jimmy: [nodding at her like thanks when he sees it] Janis: [shrugs again like nbd] Jimmy: [keep going lads that poor baby dog needs you] Janis: [hit all them doggy hotspots like the park etc] Jimmy: [I hope she's found a 🐕 friend or something so she's not all alone and forlorn] Janis: [my boo is #concerned] Jimmy: [I am, she's just a smol baby and they haven't trained her or anything] Janis: [least we aren't being too evil] Jimmy: [I could NEVER] Janis: [asking relevant Twix questions 'cos you care but also to have some convo] Jimmy: [acting like you don't know cos you hate that dog so much #lies] Janis: [lowkey like why am i looking then boy but just via looks not actually gonna say it] Jimmy: [basically being like don't then as if you haven't asked for her help with exactly this] Janis: [walks ahead like I'll keep doing this but we don't need to do this] Jimmy: [keeps up because doesn't wanna be his moody af father] Janis: [looks at him like alright?] Jimmy: [just looking back her because no but god forbid you talk about it ever] Janis: [makes face like yeah, I know and goes in her pocket 'nearly forgot' and hands him the cigarettes] Jimmy: [we know the drill by now, ladies first without even asking which works as a lowkey sorry for being a prick rn too so] Janis: ['cheers'] Jimmy: [the most dramatic exhale of smoke/sigh but not deliberately dramatic just how he's feeling rn cos he's running out of places to look like Twix where you at babe] Janis: [gently nudges his side with her shoulder like it'll be okay but not saying that 'cos can't promise it so, running ahead when you see a dog walker to ask if they've seen any dogs on their own] Jimmy: ? Janis: [jogging back over but not coming fully, like you gotta follow me 'she reckons there was a dog that didn't seem to be with anyone in [a park but not Twix's usual lol]'] Jimmy: [does follow her even though he probably doesn't know where that even is because literally me and could get lost anywhere] Janis: [now gotta search every bush in this park like hellooo] Jimmy: [gotta call her name like that's not lowkey awks for someone so 😎] Jimmy: [also I know this is serious business but 100% needs to push her into a bush like my mum did to me/ jump out from behind one just because] Janis: [we all know you're not cool but yeah, some pet names are really awks if you have to shout them lmao, also yes, even if you jump way more than you normally would 'cos tense situ and then you're 😒] Jimmy: [loling too much because it's one of those days and you gotta but not gonna help her 😒 face you'll have to get your own back gal] Janis: [just handing him some dog luring food she got and jogging off like I'll go this way] Jimmy: [she should get her because start of a beautiful friendship] Janis: [I vibe, I'll see if I have a pic of them were she looks buzzing/smug enough lol] Jimmy: [when you hug the bae because you're so relieved that the kids won't kick off or your dad or your manager cos you won't be late now but also because she stayed and actually helped you and like who does that ever] Janis: [Twix like lemme get in on that 'cos full of love] Jimmy: [shoutout to the mvp she is for stopping that becoming too much of a moment] Janis: [and being awkward or anything like that god bless 'see, all alright, yeah'] Jimmy: [when he's probably holding this dog cos 1. don't run off again and 2. she's hyper af and needs to be licking his face and snuggling him so he's 😒 and a look like is it though but we know you love Twix really] Janis: [lols 'she knows you missed her, like, you can't hide it'] Jimmy: [lowkey throws the dog at her with a piss off kinda look] Janis: [gives Twix some love and a 🙄 at him but not harsh] Jimmy: [does it back because always] Janis: ['no excuse to skive off work now though' face like gutted] Jimmy: ['you could've offered to phone in fake sick for me, bit rude' cos throwforward to when we actually did that haha] Janis: ['if they let their barista boys have time off for every new girl, they'd go out of business' shoutout to your hot colleagues the flat whites sexually harass] Jimmy: [oh pete I love you my darling but meanwhile Jimmy is just shrugging cos wouldn't care if the CG did tbh] Janis: [punching, there should be another word for that 'cos sounds so violent I just mean a friendly tap like, his arm, 'come on, I need the limelight, you need the paycheck'] Jimmy: ['you coming in for a latte then?' we 👀 you shamelessly wanting to spend time with her boy, deliberately saying latte because she would NEVER] Janis: [scoffs in DISGUST honey 'not your real girlfriend, boy, though with the heartbreak she's probably just necking double espressos, right?'] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [shakes head 'drumming up business and a bae, so evil, you are' as if you didn't send the message lol] Jimmy: ['You did the evil deed, Judith, square that one with your priest an' all'] Janis: ['or, did I do you all a favour, think on that'] Jimmy: [shakes his head like you've only done me this one favour rn ever] Janis: ['that's alright, no need for a thank you card'] Jimmy: [writes leave it out in the air with a flourish] Janis: [😏 'when's your shift then and what are you gonna do with the dog?'] Jimmy: [does her trick of checking an imaginary watch 'might chuck an apron on her and give her a go with the steam wand' but we know he's really gonna nip home first so Twix can snuggle with the kids cos had an exciting morning and she just a baby] Janis: ['you really gonna give employee of the month away just like that' does loser sign then looks around like hmm, 'cos you in town now, what are you gonna do, ensue awks] Jimmy: ['Reckon I'm safe, it'll be all them espressos if nowt else' just lowkey drags her along with him, bit rude] Janis: [just like umm excuse me but doesn't not come along like] Jimmy: [looks at her and the dog and back like she's not home yet, the job's not done 'won't get fake girlfriend of the month by taking the piss'] Janis: [dramatic gasping like oh no 'I'm the only fake girlfriend you have, babe, 'less it's your ultimate #kinkunlocked'] Jimmy: [dramatic gasp back like he's been busted] Janis: ['it's alright, already knew you were a pervert' accidental LOOK] Jimmy: ['before you agreed or after?' and a LOOK back of course] Janis: ['that'd be telling'] Jimmy: ['So go on'] Janis: [shakes head 'who knew or knows anything about you, mystery boy?'] Jimmy: [winks at Twix as if she knows all his secrets] Janis: ['nerd' but we all know she thinks it's cute] Jimmy: ['Oi, you barely know her' cos he is a nerd] Janis: [gives her more fuss 'the bitch is cool'] Jimmy: ['steady on, she won't fit through the door'] Janis: 'but if we can wedge her in, she won't be able to get back out' taps head like tada 'you just hate when anyone else gets compliments'] Jimmy: ['Busted again, me. You're proper on one this morning, mate'] Janis: ['always am, you're just in a good mood 'cos your bestie is back'] Jimmy: [snorts like if you say so] Janis: ['ignore him, he's a right moody dickhead most the time' @Twix] Jimmy: ['ignore her, right comedian so she reckons, might get the hint one of these days' also @ twix] Janis: ['She knows who saved her, mate, team me all the way'] Jimmy: ['go on and take her home with you, hate to break both your hearts, obvs'] Janis: ['hate to break your little brother's though'] Jimmy: ['my sister would fight you for her any road, a black eye ain't gonna be goals like the bruises I give you'] Janis: [lols 'there we go then, shoulda kept that to yourself if you were tryna get me sparked out'] Jimmy: [gives her a OTT scandalised look like why would I do that 'if it ain't #goals it ain't a goal of mine, Jules'] Janis: [a look like yeah right] Jimmy: ['if you wanna have a scrap, crack on with pulling Asia's hair or something'] Janis: [🙄 'bitch fight ain't my scene, even faking it, soz to the punters who'd love it'] Jimmy: [the heartbroken hand mime again] Janis: ['such a boy' looking at Twix like can you believe him?] Jimmy: [looks down at himself like he's so shook cos biggest nerd] Janis: ['not a compliment, Pinocchio'] Jimmy: ['isn't it?'] Janis: ['I knew you were a boy, you can have that if you're short on love'] Jimmy: ['bit busy @ing my dad about how much of a lad you reckon I am, hang on'] Janis: [😏] Jimmy: [lights another 🚬 cos 1. it's been a minute 2. such a lad 3.😎] Janis: #ladsladslads Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: such a flirt, you Janis: just so manly, bears repeating, obvs Jimmy: [nudges her like go on then tell the fans] Jimmy: gonna make me 😳 if you keep on Janis: Let me know if you've got it in you and I'll add it 'fore I hit send, like Jimmy: let me know if you've got it in you, more like Janis: You reckon I can't make you blush? Jimmy: do you reckon you can? Jimmy: that's the question Janis: Obviously I can Jimmy: What are you waiting for, a written invitation? Janis: Shut up Janis: I'm busy over here Jimmy: you're chatting bollocks over there Janis: The world needs to know the 🐶 is alive and well and you're such a #lad if you don't mind Jimmy: convenient timing that Janis: only a performing monkey when there's a crowd, you know that Jimmy: [a look like yeah right] Janis: [kicking his ankles like shh and not looking at him] Janis: you still owe me a good idea anyway Jimmy: I said blush not bleed, babe Janis: know what I prefer Jimmy: #kinkunlocked ages ago 🧛 girl Janis: then be nice and give me what I want Jimmy: [gives her a look like what do you want] Janis: [the 'you know' coming out before you can even think to stop yourself, then shaking your head and pointing at your fangs with a smirk like duh] Jimmy: [sets his phone camera on a timer like this is how long you've got to try and make me 😳 or bleed and gestures her over to a bench like] Janis: [doing a big sigh as if you're all ugh but really it's 'cos you're nervous but shh, once he's sat down, sitting in his lap of course but making a point of seeing if you're in-frame so we've got the pretense for how real you're shamelessly gonna be, looking at him properly 'Jimmy, I missed you'] Jimmy: [saying her name back because the only other time he has was when he was annoyed and that is simply not allowed thank you and hitting her with the 😍 #tooreal] Janis: [shuffling closer to him into his lap somehow when he says your name and smoothing his hair off his face with both hands then letting them come to rest on his shoulders, giving them a little massage 'I mean it' #whenthecameraisrollingandyouvebeenchallenegedsoyoucansaythisisallpretendifyouhaveto #adangerousgame] Jimmy: [so into it and would be even if he hadn't had the most stressful morning ever but because he has and because we can say it's fake SUCH A SOUND 'I know, I can tell' #boywhyhaveyoustartedsomethingyouliterallyhaveworktogotosoon] Janis: ['Can you tell just how bad though?' when moving closer has turned into grinding on him shamelessly] Jimmy: [a nod because speaking is dangerous rn fake or real] Janis: ['what else do you wanna know?'] Jimmy: ['What else do you want me to know?'] Janis: [tilting your head to one side like you're thinking, still rubbing his shoulders 'depends'] Jimmy: [his eyes closing because it feels nice which is not the word tbh 'on what?' because I have to ask] Janis: [little kisses on his eyelids then whispering in his ear 'if you're ready to know it all'] Jimmy: [have to kiss her to keep it vague and save our lives because is that a this is how ready I am or is it I'm kissing you so I don't have to answer] Janis: [either way, a kiss moment honey] Jimmy: [like we know the answer lads but we can't out Jimothy that hard right here right now so gotta keep you guessing babe] Janis: [finally breaking off the kiss, so reluctantly, 'Did you blush?'] Jimmy: [gives her his phone so she can look because shamelessly buying himself some recovery time after that] Janis: [not getting off him, just resting your head on his chest whilst you watch this back like comfy are we] Jimmy: [just playing with her hair like you're trying to fix whatever mess you made of it during that kiss, we see your flimsy excuse boy cos you're not being that soft about it rn] Janis: [making a noise like did you have to or can you legitimately not help it rn] Jimmy: [if he wasn't blushing before he is now thank god she's looking at this phone] Janis: ['that was definitely a blush there' pointing at some point in that recording like see, looking up at him 'you look cute'] Jimmy: ['you're taking the piss' because works for both things she said and he's a boy of few words] Janis: [shakes head like nu-uh] Jimmy: [pokes her like yeah you are] Janis: [boops his nose like no I'm not] Jimmy: [still has his hand on her waist after poking her so tickles her of course] Janis: ['don't drop me' so dramatically] Jimmy: [fakes like he is gonna drop her which makes twix cray] Janis: [just a look like see? she loves me] Jimmy: [such a dramatic sigh like ugh he's so over you both #lies] Janis: ['be nice'] Jimmy: ['or what?'] Janis: [raising a brow 'you're ready to find that out, yeah?'] Jimmy: [raises his own back at her 'why wouldn't I be? The scaredy cat's you'] Janis: [puts a finger to his lips dramatically like shh and nods to Twix 'she'll hear you'] Jimmy: [irl 👍 because good I hope she do] Janis: ['you're so jealous of our love, honestly'] Jimmy: ['bit busy with my own, she's a handful, like' oh Asia god bless] Janis: ['yeah I've heard about her cup size, thanks' 🙄] Jimmy: [lil lol] Janis: [finally getting off him like hmpf on the low] Jimmy: ['you've got nowt to be jealous of' is he being real or fake we'll never know] Janis: ['duh' and getting up up 'better get this dog back or you'll be late'] Jimmy: [literally has never wanted to go to work less in his life but come on lads] Janis: [we just walking along merrily like that didn't happen] Jimmy: [#socasual] Janis: [so casual nbd we're all friends here, is gonna need a 🚬 though but never asking just accosting him like 'scuse me] Jimmy: [do something else with your hands and mouths kids, cos you know he has to have one too even though he's had so many today already] Janis: [oh Twix, you rascally babe] Jimmy: [it's all Ian's fault as per] Janis: [at least something good came of it but not getting the credit for that] Jimmy: ['gonna have to get her chipped' thinking out loud cos you know Ian hasn't sorted that or wants the expense] Janis: [nods 'don't take a second, like'] Jimmy: [a look like that's good cos when do I have a sec but then shrugs cos gonna be so unbothered] Janis: [shrugs back 'might be just as easy to look at your fence sitch for puppy-sized holes'] Jimmy: ['I get it, I'm SUCH a lad, no need to go overboard' 😏] Janis: [shakes head 😏 'alright, get your sister to if you can't deal'] Jimmy: ['volunteering to wake her up and tell her to crack on, are you?' 😏 'Tah, babe, willing to go proper above and beyond, you'] Janis: [noise like psh no thank you lol 'way above my paygrade, ask Asia, I'd happily watch that'] Jimmy: [such a lol] Janis: [actual smile] Jimmy: [control your 😍 boy by nodding at the dog 'reckon you've done enough for a bit' cos genuinely is grateful we know] Janis: [forget about it gesture 'favour for the dog, really'] Jimmy: ['probably would've been kinda to let her find a new bunch of dickheads' when you're joking but you're also actually not] Jimmy: [*kinder] Janis: ['now you tell me' but nudges him like come on, you ain't that bad] Jimmy: [nudges her back 'yeah 'cause I missed you an' all' is he being fake about needing to see her so bad #theanswerisno] Janis: [looks at Twix like ?! 'is this even your dog?' 😏] Jimmy: ['Nah' cos lbr he's too 😎 for a dog like this thanks for that Ian] Janis: ['OMG, you're like soulmates' 🖤 hands] Jimmy: [gives her a look cos she said Twix was her true love and he was jealous before, like make your mind up] Janis: ['that's why you're jealous' points at Twix 'player'] Jimmy: ['you wish, dickhead'] Janis: [a look like obvs, dickhead] Jimmy: [blows a smoke ring at her in a sassy manner like there's your 💍] Janis: [waves it away 'show-off'] Jimmy: ['first place or nowt, baby'] Janis: ['have to show me how to do it sometime, like'] Jimmy: ['I'll edit it to look like you got the knack first time, keep shit goals'] Janis: [😒 'be a better teacher then, wanker'] Jimmy: ['I've already got owt else that Mr Lucas could possibly want, be cruel that'] Janis: ['cept my heart, but shh'] Jimmy: ['far as he knows I have'] Janis: ['he all up on the socials, you reckon?' face like ew] Jimmy: ['first in, last out' and a dramatic shiver like GROSS] Janis: ['least he won't dob us in if he wants more of that sweet, sweet #content' irl equivalent of 🤢] Jimmy: [sighs like our work's never done 'UGH, we'll just have to find another way to get in trouble at school' and a LOOK] Janis: [a LOOK back 'basically my specialty'] Jimmy: ['don't sound like you that' because she's so 😇 obvs] Janis: ['wait and see' 'cos you only did that one project together then school trip] Jimmy: ['Alright' when you're agreeing to still be doing this after the holidays unthinkingly there] Janis: [probably get to his house, assumedly the first time] Jimmy: [go throw Twix in with those snoozy kids and get ready for work quickly sir] Janis: [jus' chillin' like why am I still here lowkey] Jimmy: put the kettle on, rich girl Jimmy: [draws her a doodle of one like she's never seen one because got staff] Janis: 😱 Janis: don't know how you take your tea Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: you better leave Janis: this fake relationship just proved too fake Jimmy: we're over, off you go Janis: would you rather I guess and give you a shit cup Janis: come on Jimmy: might do Jimmy: but if you ain't up for the challenge Janis: You're ridiculous Janis: but fine Jimmy: #mayberidiculouswillbeouralways Janis: 💕 Jimmy: [did I fever dream that they take their tea the same way which was milk and two sugars? because I'm sure we said that in another convo but idk] Janis: [I also remember that and is how she's gonna make it so get ready to FALL IN LOVE BOY] Jimmy: [he's not gonna be able to control the 😍] Janis: would sir like his tea upstairs or down? Jimmy: [appears like the 👻 he is looking like a snack in his barista uniform which realistically she might not have seen before this] Janis: [when he actually looks good so you have to be OTT fake about it] Jimmy: [when you try the tea and you're like!!! so you have to be all like 'Oi' and call her a cheat] Janis: ['how could I, you got it written down somewhere in case you forget?' lols] Jimmy: [do the I'm watching you thing @ her all 😒] Janis: ['you just take your tea the only correct way, doesn't mean we're fated, calm down'] Jimmy: ['keep that to yourself' drinking that excellent tea] Janis: [🤐] Jimmy: [unzips her like but drink your tea] Janis: ['nerd' but does, of course] Jimmy: [holds his finger up like when you have an aha moment and starts looking in her mouth like a dentist in the manner of oh while it's unzipped lemme just] Janis: ['gross!' moving away so faux offended 'what are you doing, weirdo?'] Jimmy: ['lost an earring, gotta check you ain't swallowed it, girl' such a nerd goodbye] Janis: ['vampire, not a thief' look like how dare you] Jimmy: [' still stole my heart though' cos gotta be OTT fake sometimes] Janis: [finger guns at his chest] Jimmy: [gun at his head and death again] Janis: ['hot'] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: 'who's on shift today?' like she knows] Jimmy: [shrugs because could not care less] Janis: [tuts but 😏] Jimmy: [gestures like come on let's go find out] Janis: [shrugs like okay 'I've got a few to kill'] Jimmy: [nods to the imaginary watch cos it's unspoken acknowledgement that the flat whites won't be there that early and she can leave before they are] Janis: ['heaven forbid they leave the house before applying 50 layers of foundation, shit is time-consuming'] Jimmy: [so triggered thinking about his northern ex rn like the horrified facial expression would be so genuine] Janis: [nod of approval 'good acting'] Jimmy: [does the polishing his medal he's wearing mime] Janis: [when it's your nametag 'who the fuck is Jamie?'] Jimmy: ['you ain't met him? honestly gutted for you'] Janis: ['will he be on shift today?' skipping like you're so buzzing at the prospect] Jimmy: ['wait and see' cos word theft] Janis: ['ugh, tease'] Jimmy: ['Not trying to turn you on, calm down'] Janis: ['Jamie might be' shrug like don't count me out yet tah] Jimmy: [shrugs back 'he's a starving artist, owt for tips'] Janis: ['fuck you' 😒] Jimmy: ['fuck him, being right dickhead makes him your type'] Janis: ['good' like I intend to, oh honey lol] Jimmy: 'good' boy how you gonna be jealous of someone who doesn't exist] Janis: [when it's literally you lmao] Jimmy: [also he so hasn't posted that bench moment let it be known] Janis: [that's for the best literally no one has asked for that content] Jimmy: [haven't deleted it though have you my dear 👀 you] Janis: [we all know that was shameless so we're not thinking or talking about it ladeeda] Jimmy: [get into work boy, get busy cos we know you're thinking about fuck all else] Janis: [chilling not at all casually at a table] Jimmy: [make her that first ever 💣 smoothie please and thank] Janis: that your specialty? Jimmy: what? Janis: smoothies and juices and shit Jimmy: @CG_FAQ or whatever it is Janis: I get it, you're very busy Janis: 🤐 Jimmy: [serves some business person trying to get a coffee but is looking at her like 🙄😏] Janis: [💔 hands and shamelessly having a nose at his co-workers] Jimmy: [Pete is 100% there, hey babe] Jimmy: So? Go on then Janis: ? Jimmy: Do you like it? Janis: I didn't ask if it were your specialty to take the piss, like Janis: s'good Jimmy: I'll @ my manager Janis: I can do it for you Janis: seems appropraitely fake girlfriend of me Jimmy: I get it, it would be goals to get sacked for having a scrap with him when he's 😍 for you Jimmy: 🥇 plan Janis: I'm not getting you sacked Janis: how many IOUs would that warrant, like, no thanks Jimmy: you're meant to want to spend every second of every day with me, play the game, Janet Jimmy: what kind of fake girlfriend Janis: fine Janis: just 🤞 he's the hot one Janis: [going to chat to Pete] Jimmy: he ain't here, wouldn't have to @ him if he were Jimmy: the accent ain't that hard to understand Janis: oh well, now he'll pass that along for you Jimmy: Tah Janis: [sits back down like you're welcome] Jimmy: you hungry? Janis: I could eat Jimmy: [gets her whatever sucks the least] Janis: Tah Janis: 👍 Jimmy: Steady on, nowt on the menu's 👍 Janis: that was for you Janis: if I go up to the tip jar now I'll just look keen Jimmy: 💕 Janis: is that for me? Jimmy: Do you see any of my other girlfriends about? Janis: [does fake check] Janis: thankfully not Jimmy: there's your answer Janis: so special Jimmy: you're alright Janis: 😂 Jimmy: I mean it Janis: Alright then Janis: you too Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: I don't want your tacked on you an' all Janis: well I mean it too Janis: I can't say it 'cos you got in there first, psh Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: dry your eyes and eat your food, mate Janis: alright, dad Janis: focus on one job at a time Jimmy: edit that nickname a bit and you're good to # Janis: we're not fake there yet Jimmy: 💔 Janis: Sorry Janis: know you're the right age but that's about it Jimmy: RUDE Janis: Shh Jimmy: I will not Jimmy: and there's nowt you can do about it Janis: 🙄 Janis: don't you hate a chatty barista Jimmy: I ain't serving you Jimmy: already have done Janis: yeah, some daddy 😏 Jimmy: funny Janis: you've got my best work for the day Janis: 'til I workout anyway Jimmy: lucky me Janis: don't be rude Janis: saved your life Jimmy: you started it Janis: If you want me to call you that, put it in a contract and get me to sign Janis: that's not rude Jimmy: twist your own arm and 🖋🩸 your own oath, bit busy here Janis: Very impressed Jimmy: admitting how easily you are ain't very 🥇 Jimmy: you might wanna 🤐 Janis: Not got time for sarcasm either? Janis: 👌 Jimmy: When have I ever had time for your pisstaking? Janis: awh 😭 Jimmy: enjoy the 🎻🎻 I left you both your 👂s Janis: well aren't you generous Janis: tell everyone how not hard you go with it Jimmy: that rich v poor divide just keeps rearing it's head #awks Jimmy: and you're in the wrong 🗨 if you reckon every word's getting screenshotted Jimmy: @💀👑 not 😎🚬 Janis: oh, you mean my true love, yeah Jimmy: if the hair extensions fit Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I'm gonna go see where they're @ Janis: brb Janis: [out tha door] Jimmy: in a bit Jimmy: [but watching her go like a forlorn 🐕] Janis: [going to the gym obvs 'cos got to go work this out can't sit in the tension this long without needing a moment] Jimmy: [do some work bitch but not actually because I like to imagine him drawing Twix on a wanted poster but doing an ^ un next to the wanted to sass her and posting that at some point #arthoe] Janis: [puppydog eyes selfie you do not need to send re. that poster] Jimmy: You pull a muscle? Jimmy: Hang on, I'll be right there to carry you out Janis: Defending my lady from your savage and swift pen, thank you very much Jimmy: go on Janis: Come here and I'll 🥊 ya Janis: only got the 🥺'til then, and it's harder to make you 😳 from afar too Janis: besides, wouldn't wanna make your customers even more inappropriate with you, even you don't deserve that, like Jimmy: if the subject of my 🎨 was such a dealbreaker you should've stuck around to be inspiring Jimmy: but alright, the selfie's a start Janis: A start, yeah? Jimmy: you heard Janis: Aside from my blood, what else do you want/require? Jimmy: is that a trick question? Janis: No Janis: wanna be as 🥇 a muse as a fake girlfriend Jimmy: if you were 🥇 you wouldn't need me to tell you owt Janis: 🥺🥺🥺 Janis: and you're meant to teach me how to blow smoke rings too Jimmy: I'm due a break, gimme a shout when you're done 💪 Janis: don't you wanna take a break break Janis: my current muse abilities will get me through the day alright Jimmy: and you admitting what hard work you are will get me through this shift alright Janis: that'll be why you want me to come back Jimmy: take both my jobs seriously, me Janis: hard work, I remember Janis: another #kinkunlocked Janis: I can give you that punishment, if you really want Jimmy: hot Janis: of course Janis: not a total amateur Jimmy: fooled me Janis: piss off Jimmy: [a little doodle he's drawn of her based on that selfie she sent but a deliberately quick one so we don't get into the #feels of drawing her properly yet] Janis: 🎨🖌 Jimmy: you looked cute Jimmy: [cos gotta steal her words from earlier] Janis: dead convincing, babe 😏 Janis: am I still coming or have you powered through with that picture? Jimmy: Do you still wanna come or are you too 😍💕 to be around me now you've 👀 that masterpiece? Janis: Obviously I need a moment Jimmy: duh Janis: not just to shower or anything, like Janis: full swooning time Jimmy: I get it, making lasses go weak at the knees is my full time occupation Jimmy: ☕ just a prop Janis: Do you pay tax on that? Jimmy: Who sounds like a dad now? Janis: 💰💰 is all I care about, of course Jimmy: with the wrong lad then Janis: take the bragging right of being just that good then, eh Jimmy: you trying to make me 😳 from afar? Jimmy: never stop, you Janis: that a request or a comment? Jimmy: What do you reckon? Janis: Maybe I'll pretend it's the option I prefer regardless Jimmy: can do Janis: tah for the permission Jimmy: well generous, me Jimmy: you said it Janis: I mostly meant it and all 😘 Jimmy: never said owt you don't, obvs 😘 Janis: especially not to you, baby Jimmy: stop making me miss you if you ain't showing up Janis: Stop distracting me and I'll be with you sooner Jimmy: you started it Janis: I purposely left so I didn't Janis: 😇 Jimmy: you did it before you left Janis: when? Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Janis: I wanna know what distracted you Jimmy: you do Janis: Okay Janis: I wish you would tell me Jimmy: I don't have the words Jimmy: Bill's 👻 ain't here Janis: What's his order? Janis: tell me that Jimmy: Macchiato Jimmy: he's a slag for espresso but he 💕 foam 🎨 Janis: 😂 Janis: good answer, you really know all your customers Jimmy: that employee of the month 🏆 as good as has Jamie on it Janis: wait Janis: 😑 ugh Jimmy: ? Janis: Jamie isn't real Jimmy: What? Jimmy: 'course he is Jimmy: 👀 right at him Janis: 💔 Janis: why would you hurt me like this Janis: I was so excited to 👀 him Jimmy: He's got all the words for how distracting you are Jimmy: I probably shouldn't let you see him Janis: Please Jimmy: I dunno, he's a bit keen Janis: how keen? Jimmy: Bill'd be about it Janis: intriguing Jimmy: he is that Janis: How can I meet him? Jimmy: Haven't you got a plan? Jimmy: must not be that keen yourself Janis: I've only got to prove to Jamie how keen I am Jimmy: 🤞 he's easier to impress than me Janis: as easy as you are to make blush, I'll be 🤤 Jimmy: unless it's as easy as you are to make 😳 you'll be 💔 Janis: Do you want me to be 💔? Jimmy: Why would I? Janis: Won't it be awkward for you? Janis: me and Jamie Jimmy: You doing this to try and make shit awkward for me? Bill will be gutted he missed the #drama Janis: That's not what I'm trying to do Jimmy: We've covered that I don't care what you do, Jules Janis: That's alright then Janis: I'll crack on Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: what? Janis: you've made me so 😭 Jimmy: Baby Janis: make it up to me? Jimmy: how? Janis: hmm Jimmy: Oi, don't leave me in suspense Janis: I mean, what's a fair trade for making Jamie so hot and so fake really Janis: you owe me more than a cigarette Jimmy: nowt ain't fair trade here, what do you want? Janis: 😏 Janis: nerd Jimmy: hate to disappoint Janis: Baby, you could never Jimmy: if you're 😭 I've let myself down though Janis: depends Janis: that lot are so permanently 😭 they must consider it goals Jimmy: Nah, you just can't put nowt they do in the #goals category Janis: you know how to make me 😊 Jimmy: you look so goals when you are, I have to Jimmy: it's a 🥇😊 Janis: 😳 easy, yeah Jimmy: take the 🏆 Janis: alright Jimmy: is it? Janis: why wouldn't it be? Jimmy: It's not usually that easy Janis: you've told me three times now, hard work Jimmy: I know, it were me who said it Janis: yeah Janis: a lot gets said Jimmy: loads of # an' all Janis: it's like reading between the lines Jimmy: @ Bill's 👻 Janis: okay, convo 💀 got it Jimmy: come on Janis: Bill's is a macchiato, so I've heard Jimmy: He'll take a cold brew if it's ��� Janis: Make me hate him more, honestly Jimmy: he's just trying to stay #relevant Janis: oh Bill 💔 Janis: ain't we all? Jimmy: would love to be irrelevant, me Jimmy: it's a hard life being this fit and mysterious 🎻💔 Janis: preaching to the preacher Janis: what a cross to bear Jimmy: don't rub it in that he's only got 😍 for you, girl Jimmy: 💔👴 Jimmy: I'm so 😭😭 and 😠😠 Janis: Oh baby boy Janis: I don't think a sexy old man costume is gonna be convincing enough Janis: gotta let you spread your wings Jimmy: too right it won't Janis: Well, I'm so SORRY I'm not enough for you! Jimmy: you should be Janis: you are so rude OMG Jimmy: you're so young and fit, it's well out of order Jimmy: what am I meant to do with that? Jimmy: gimme something to work with here, for fuck's sake Janis: God, when I signed up for a pervy older boyfriend, this is NOT how I imagined it Janis: fetishize my innocence ffs! Janis: like, you aren't even gonna try and use my inexperience to your advantage, WTF?! Jimmy: I dunno what to tell you, Joanne, dad's are a disappointment Jimmy: fucked if that weren't the type of daddy you were hoping for Janis: 😂 Janis: my own ain't such goals I'm tryna get another just like him, nah Jimmy: and I ain't got the 💰💰💰 so that's pissed on that angle Janis: guess it don't make no sense to keep you about Jimmy: on you go Jimmy: keep walking Janis: it's not been real Jimmy: it were real, baby and we were 🥇 Janis: 💕 Janis: very 😎 Jimmy: *😎🚬 Jimmy: nowt to live for now Janis: nowt to die for either Janis: but if you're ready to take that break now, Mr Brightside Janis: [showing up outside like hello] Jimmy: [appears as fast as he can considering he's meant to be working hard] Janis: ['alright?'] Jimmy: ['you?' because can never answer anything ugh] Janis: [nods but the slightly awkward vibe again 'cos becoming less clear what's fake, what's pisstake and what's real every day yo] Jimmy: [ain't that the tea, lights them both a 🚬 cos of course he does] Janis: [takes it, grateful for the distraction as per, after a while, getting more comfortable in front of him again 'you are a dickhead though'] Jimmy: [gives her such an offended look like excuse you 'yeah but what've I done now?'] Janis: [taps his name badge like hi, Jamie but smirks and shrugs 'don't actually owe me anything for it though, guess I see the potential funny side of it when you're surrounded by dull basic bitches all day every day, like'] Jimmy: [takes off the badge and chucks it dramatically even though he'll have to pick that up before he goes back in but the gesture stands like ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?] Janis: [lols 'yes, that is exactly what I wanted, you nutter'] Jimmy: ['Good'] Janis: [just doing the thing where you're trying not to look so you just keep doing lots of little looks] Jimmy: ['What we doing in a bit?' because you're already thinking about her leaving after this and you don't want to not see her later] Janis: [shrugs again 'until our peers actually wake up and plan parties, the diary's free' 'cos most teens are so lazy compared to these two so who knows yet, oh I was thinking though we should do a rave and/or a festival moment with them in this hol both would work well as prolonged fake dating but also the scenes are busy enough they wouldn't have to be ON the whole time but we know they would 'cos shameless] Jimmy: [yaaaaaaaaaaaaas I love that, we could totally do both like a rave in a warehouse moment that's just a night but then a festival that's a couple of days maybe because he'd be so ! about leaving the kids behind then but not something he can take them to] Jimmy: ['we could do' cos imagine them trying to plan a party please] Janis: [I agree, I think they're both valid plans, 'cos everyone could be at both, so we can have whatever we wanna/need to happen happen] Janis: [raises her brows like whaaaa but then tilts her head like she's thinking about it 'well we are basically prom king and queen of the moment so'] Jimmy: ['I get that you might be worried 'cause of being a massively shit host but you'll have me' 😏] Janis: [tuts at him loudly 'like I actually want any of the cunts 'round here to ever have a good time' a look like do you know who you're talking to rn but then 😏 'would be worth it to beat them at their own game though, obviously'] Jimmy: ['we need somewhere we can properly trash, so we can have a good time if nowt else' because not doing it at his gaff cos of the kids as much as I'd love to annoy Ian and we want somewhere aesthetic because art hoe] Janis: [taps her head like good idea and now I'm thinking on it] Jimmy: ['I hadn't forgot I owed you one, babe, but you've still gotta help a new boy out on the actual where, soz' scrunches his face up like ugh I know, I'm the WORST] Janis: [squishing his squishy face always 'don't reckon even MY bathroom is big enough to host a decent party, sadly' #bathgateforever] Jimmy: [grins because that's given him an idea 'Alright but how badly do you want your REAL boyfriend's and biggest fan's attention? 'cause there's one place I've yet to get lost on my way to'] Janis: [the IRL equivalent of ? but excited with it like tell me bitch] Jimmy: ['how about we do it at school, my dear'] Janis: ['okay, that's a really fucking good idea' the biggest 😈 grin] Jimmy: [when you're buzzing because you thought she'd say no because of all the possible trouble you could get in, which we know is why you're doing it Jimothy the mood being fuck you Ian 5eva] Janis: [little do you know how ready she is to burn it all to the ground at any point lmao 'I'd kiss you if that weren't a punishment'] Jimmy: [irl 😘 'you know how Bill feels about lasses who doth protest'] Janis: [when we all know you meant it the other way 'round and the temptation to say as much is REAL but trumped by the desire to see this plan through/keep being 'friends' so you just smirk and hit him with a 'yeah, yeah' and move on with details 'I reckon most people will be dead up for it, long as they can run and deny all knowledge of the who and the how when shit hits the fan, like'] Jimmy: ['tonight then?' because the EGO of this boy who thinks he can pull this together and off in a few hours] Janis: ['why not' flicking the remains of her cigarette away with a flourish 'use how fast news travels 'round here to our advantage, as per' shrugs 'standard, really'] Jimmy: ['the dress code's black, that's the hill I'll die on' flips down imaginary 😎] Janis: ['fine by me' runs tongue across imaginary fangs like duh 'they can always fall back on their school uniform if they get stuck, bit cliche for my taste but they are so' a what can you do? shrug] Jimmy: ['pjs for you, girl, better hit the shops now if you're down to the emergency pink pair, like' shrugs back but 😏 as he looks at his actual real watch] Janis: [rolls her eyes at the suggestion and the implication she wears pink PJs, pushes him gently towards the door 'get back to work so we can get to work sooner, I'll catch you later'] Jimmy: [just looking at her because he does not want to gdi but then has to add an OTT pout because too real] Janis: [likewise so obviously has to be as OTT back 'parting is such sweet sorrow, yeah babe?'] Jimmy: [when you just hug her again like you did earlier before you can stop yourself like okay this is a thing we're doing with each other now bye] Janis: [just leaning into that like you're such a hugger usually sure] Jimmy: [we're just friends who casually hug yep] Janis: [so casual] Jimmy: [go back in and try not be distracted by your feelings and your big plans boy] Janis: are we taking credit or are we putting this out anon? Jimmy: Don't you want the 🏆? Janis: you just want a reunion with your 👮 pals, obvs Janis: I don't care, it'll out either way so may as well own it, I guess, if you're alright with that too Jimmy: You said you wanted to beat these dickheads at their own game, bit hard to do if they don't know we're playing Janis: can't cough without 10 people commenting on it 'round here anyway Janis: and who else would actually have such a 🔥💡 either Jimmy: There you go then Janis: 👍 Janis: no need to post yet, do it closer to the time it causes more hype/no time for it to get shut down Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: You done this before? Janis: Party planning or breaking into the school? Jimmy: I already know you break into the school regularly for secret trysts with your 💕 Janis: no need when he's got the key 😍😍🤤 Jimmy: There's every need when he's 😍😍🤤 for danger Jimmy: unless his ultimate #kinkunlocked is your innocence Janis: Can only assume he 👂 to all those virgin rumours Jimmy: until I came about and he discovered he's all about that cuckold life Janis: all 👀 now Janis: from inside the wardrobe or whatever the fuck 😬😂 Jimmy: be loads of places he can 👀 tonight Janis: True Janis: loads of places to hide too, at least Jimmy: 👻 Jimmy: such an athlete, nowt you can do but run Janis: Not scared of you, like Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: first thing I learned about you is how 🙀 you are Janis: Well, no need to insult your intelligence rn Jimmy: #notthickjustnorthern Janis: 'course, hun 😘 Jimmy: ILY babes 💕 Jimmy: tah for keeping it so real with me there Janis: you know me, keep it 💯👌🙏 Jimmy: fave thing about you, that Janis: Awh Janis: so cute! 💖 Jimmy: you know me, never off Janis: OMG, that's like, totally in my top 3 favourite things about you Janis: so crazy Jimmy: 🤖 kink unlocked 🎟 please Janis: erm have you know none of my friends require batteries THANKS Jimmy: 'cause none of 'em are fwb obvs Janis: do you reckon this party is the time or place to announce that downgrade in relationship Janis: get it together 👏 Jimmy: Depends Janis: If you've got a 📢 to hand? Jimmy: well I were gonna say on Mr Lucas but now I'm fuming that you're doubting the size of my gob Jimmy: Asia would never Jimmy: she knows 📏 matters Janis: 😏 Janis: I'll make sure to spread that 'round then, if that's the new rep you want Jimmy: if you ain't got enough to do, I'll @ my manager about some shifts we've got going Jimmy: put a decent enough word in for you, mate Janis: I'll go in for the cliche getting the hot one to train me but then I'm getting sacked before any of the skeleton gang comes through Jimmy: I would but I'm forced to spend enough time with you as is Janis: 🙄 you and your big head can get out the way, tah Jimmy: it's proper sweet of you to fake failing eyesight for me but you still ain't 👵💕 soz Janis: I knew you'd end up going fully dellusional Janis: gonna take ages to deprogram you 🤖 Jimmy: just hit the kill switch Janis: don't 👻 or @ me 'til I've finished my trial shift, thank you Janis: RIP 🌹 Jimmy: Ugh Jimmy: so hard to please, you Jimmy: 🥀💔 Janis: just tryna save your lil ghostie 👀 and 🖤 Janis: 'less you're really the one who's into waiting in the cupboard 🤔 Jimmy: Piss off Janis: Will do Janis: got shit to get, PJs to cop Jimmy: RIP to my concentration Jimmy: such a distracting mental image, that Janis: was your request Janis: so entirely your fault Jimmy: you doing what you're told now? 🤤🤤😍 Janis: Depends Jimmy: ? Janis: just how pink the selection is Jimmy: duh, I should've worked that one out Janis: also if I can find any without the sassy slogans slapped all over Jimmy: #whenyou'retoobittertobejuicy Janis: 😱 Janis: how Janis: DARE Janis: you Jimmy: 😏 Janis: no matching set for you now Jimmy: 💔😭 Jimmy: Baby please Janis: You'll have to dress yourself now Janis: as a straight lad, we all know you're incapable Jimmy: come on, be nice to me Janis: Why? Janis: you're so mean to me Jimmy: 😱😱😱😱 Jimmy: never Janis: and now you're gonna gaslight me Janis: so typical 👌 Jimmy: Truce? Janis: Hmm Janis: calling that suspiciously fast Jimmy: No kid wants to have a party where their mum and dad are scrapping in the back Janis: Alright Janis: though I did not agree to raise any child with you Jimmy: I'll chuck the bag of flour before I get there then Jimmy: ain't named it or owt Janis: awh it looks like you Janis: so sweet 😂 Jimmy: might have to call him Jamie Janis: insensitive tbh Jimmy: don't sound like me at all Jimmy: is this gonna be the shortest truce EVER or what? Janis: if you're happy for me to be wistfully thinking about Jamie all the time Janis: then crack on, no arguments here Jimmy: 👌 Janis: Oh Jamie Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: wish the school had a balcony Janis: fuck knows where I'm lamenting from Jimmy: get on the roof, girl Janis: 💀 pact request or? Janis: either way 👍 Jimmy: You still taking on board my requests or? Jimmy: #didwepeakwithpjs? Janis: wishing you used your wishes more wisely now? Jimmy: Is that a trick question? Jimmy: there's nowt wiser Jimmy: get you some slippers and we're near to 💕👵 Janis: 🖕 Dickhead Janis: the idea is to make everyone else 😩 not you Jimmy: we do Jimmy: nowt I can do about your face Jimmy: or your body Janis: devastating news Jimmy: I've had my 😭 about it Jimmy: old news Janis: let me mourn, god Jimmy: crack on Janis: [later] Janis: you out yet Jimmy: What do you need a hand to carry now? Janis: rude Janis: I'm bored Jimmy: poor baby Jimmy: where are you? Janis: [a random location in town] Janis: been reminded why I hate shopping Jimmy: you don't wanna take #goals selfies with me then? Jimmy: 💔 Janis: obviously Janis: gotta get something out of it Jimmy: meet me at [somewhere they can be goals af] Jimmy: 🤞 I don't get lost Janis: Come on Janis: you must know your way a bit by now Janis: not that far Jimmy: yeah go there all the time, me Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Janis: I'll start walking Janis: don't wanna make another poster Jimmy: but you LOVED the first one I done Janis: you're very talented Jimmy: 🙄🖕 Janis: Take a compliment, boy Jimmy: Give one that ain't a pisstake, girl Janis: Ugh Janis: that might be a challenge too far Jimmy: then like I said 🙄🖕 Jimmy: and you shut up, trying to get my bearings here Janis: you're adorable when you're lost Janis: that's sincere Jimmy: Where the fuck? Jimmy: this town is some bollocks Jimmy: can't find nowt Janis: See, precious Janis: did you live in a town before or like down a mine or whatever the fuck Jimmy: canary in a little cage, me Jimmy: just a lad and his 🎻 Jimmy: just the one 🥧 crust to ration out Janis: 💔 Janis: we get it, you can act alright 😏 Janis: the sob story ain't gonna save you now Jimmy: Are you gonna? Janis: don't I always? Jimmy: 💪🏆 you Janis: Tweet it so I know it's real Jimmy: [cue dramatic and 💕 tweet about how she's his saviour etc] Janis: coming for your 🥇 pisstaker 👑 with that one Janis: fairplay Jimmy: well I actually need you, bit real that Jimmy: if I said it I'd have to 💀💀💀 or worse, delete Janis: 🤐 Janis: I'll never tell, don't worry Jimmy: using you like a sat nav ain't very #goals Jimmy: reckon the secret's safe Janis: you mean your lack of direction isn't Janis: how unmanly of you Jimmy: it's a crap shag rumour waiting to happen Jimmy: Asia would dump me and my life would be OVER Janis: Nah, blind loyalty is their only redeeming quality Janis: 💀👑 ain't even tried to fuck them and they still stick around Jimmy: In fairness she'd probably ⚰ if she did have a go Janis: says you Jimmy: what are you saying? Janis: your stamina ain't braggable with those lungs Jimmy: HOW DARE YOU Janis: whoops Janis: 🙊 Jimmy: could run rings around you, smoke and actual Janis: there's fake and then there's madness Jimmy: there's 🙀 and then there's you Jimmy: sort it out Janis: Who's scared? Janis: Literally any time you wanna have an asthma attack, babe Janis: I'm ready Jimmy: yeah right Jimmy: all chat, you Jimmy: ain't even found me Janis: Bullshit Jimmy: ❌ marks the northern lad Jimmy: get a move on Janis: shut up then Jimmy: If you need a hand that desperately I'll send you 🚬☁ signals Janis: [showing up like hilarious] Jimmy: [fakes like he's gonna jump into her arms like a damsel in distress but obvs does not] Janis: [puts her arms straight down at her side like won't catch you boy] Jimmy: [does a pouty face and puts his hand out like hold it or I'll get lost again] Janis: [🙄 but does it, obvs] Jimmy: [deliberately goes the wrong way because nerd] Janis: [swinging him 'round like nope] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: ['can you drive?'] Jimmy: ['Are we stealing a car before or after the break in?' because he can but he can't answer a q] Janis: [shrugs 'I can take the speakers from home without it being suspicious but if I ask to drop 'em off at the school, like' gestures like you see my point 'someone will pick us up for a crate, no big'] Jimmy: ['I could take my dad's car but I dunno if they'll fit' shrugs 'be gutted he didn't get that very important memo about how much size matters'] Janis: ['yeah?' bites lip whilst thinking, tapping foot up and down 'should fit, just put the backseats down'] Jimmy: [when she looks so good biting her lip that you nearly lose yourself in the music AND the moment 'Alright' because he knows he's gonna get in trouble for this anyway and that's the whole point, in for a penny in for a pound] Janis: ['first stop yours then? whilst he's still at work' when you're looking like are you sure but you aren't going to ask] Jimmy: [typical that he lives right by the school and she lives 42 years away lol 'owt else we need from here?' gestures around vaguely with a 😒 face like ugh shops and people gross] Janis: ['better get that crate still, party'll supply itself but I still want some shit for us'] Jimmy: [nods and gives her a look like better get several cos can't resist calling her a pisshead] Janis: [pushes him lightly 'oh, and how many packs do you need to get through, Mr. Buzzkill?'] Jimmy: [a dramatic idk there's no way to know gesture 'such a lad, me, with SUCH good stamina] Janis: [😏 'come on then' and dragging him towards the shop like let's hurry it up] Jimmy: ['get ready for your close up and we can do the photo shoot in the car'] Janis: ['born ready- with this face, and this body' 'cos we ain't forgotten] Jimmy: [trying not to 😳 so hard rn] Janis: [knows and is buzzing about that payback] Jimmy: [lowkey nearly pushing her into some women having a chat in the way of everyone cos that playful shove] Janis: [unrepentantly not soz at those women but 😒 at him] Jimmy: [😏 to hide that he is soz cos didn't mean to do it that hard] Janis: [shoving all the booze at him like go get this but giving him the cash too 'cos not that mad] Jimmy: [does because whipped] Janis: I'm off out 'fore I get lynched Janis: you can find your way back from the tills without me, yeah Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: Adorable Jimmy: Shh Janis: Stop being so damn cute Janis: never getting served with that baby face Jimmy: Stop flirting with me Jimmy: You're too young and I'm too 😎 Janis: Spoilsport Jimmy: few drinks in me and you'll be 🍑📞 Jimmy: hang on in there, baby Janis: yeah Janis: gonna look top in my pjs Janis: who could resist Jimmy: have to be a 💪🏆 lad than me and there ain't none about Janis: Tah for being so real about my chances, like Jimmy: what are mates for? Janis: gonna hold my hair back too? Jimmy: yeah Janis: looking for a promotion to bezzies forever Jimmy: it's just always in my fucking way Janis: ? Jimmy: your hair Janis: oh Janis: fair Janis: if you didn't always go for the neck, would be less of an issue Jimmy: Alright, I can take a hint Jimmy: tonight I'll kiss you somewhere else Janis: [not answering 'cos 😳] Jimmy: [when you think she's not answering because she's like GOD NO levels of horrified] Janis: [ah miscommunication, least she is literally outside so we don't need to angst] Jimmy: [coming out cos job done, take a sec to impress her with how strong you are carrying all that shit] Janis: [lil clap and feeling his biceps like Prue] Jimmy: [🙄 but loves it] Janis: ['back to yours now?'] Jimmy: ['I get it, you proper miss her' shout out to Twix] Janis: [nods like 'course 'and we need to get changed to meet your self-imposed dresscode; good as you look'] Jimmy: [looks down and shrugs cos it's probably black tbh but we know you ain't going like that boy] Janis: ['and you have a car to steal' like need I remind you of the plan] Jimmy: ['ain't really stealing if you just grab the keys of the hook, but alright' keeping this so casual] Janis: ['trust you to wanna make it legal and boring' 👮 ref 'still not got insurance or a license, even if you are 45'] Jimmy: [a look like OI so offended 'loads of ways we can make the drive less boring, if you wanna get involved, Jill' stop making it so sexual thank you we all know that's what you mean] Janis: ['Obviously' a LOOK for good measure 'cos we all know what you mean 'not gonna make you do it alone, not very friendly' taking some of the supplies like see] Jimmy: [such a LOOK back] Janis: [don't drop your shopping lads] Jimmy: [that'd be awks, at least they don't have that far to go for this leg of the journey cos he doesn't live in the middle of nowhere] Janis: [shoutout ian for that one thing and one thing only] Jimmy: [when you gesture for her to light you a 🚬 for this one time only because your hands are full af] Janis: [thrilled about the novelty of that tbh] Jimmy: [don't think about how she'd have to get it out of his pocket and put it in his mouth and all that jazz #accidentalhotness] Janis: [its a mood and a moment and we're just trying to get home without dying here, also gonna have one herself 'cos duh] Jimmy: [so much eye contact goodbye] Janis: ['you're fully aware how much shit we're gonna get in, yeah?'] Jimmy: [a dramatic OTT gasp like it only just occurred to him just then] Janis: [nudges him like but really though] Jimmy: [looks down at all the shit he's carrying 'bit late for you to back out, but if you're gonna, go on, we can still half this'] Janis: [shakes her head 'nah, I know, I'm making sure you do, so we're good then'] Jimmy: ['not thick, just northern'] Janis: ['alright, hail of bullets it is then, babe'] Jimmy: ['that's the hottest thing you've ever said to me' cos have to lighten the mood when you know it'll be BAD when Ian finds out about any of this and like you want that but you also don't] Janis: [😏 'yeah, yeah'] Jimmy: [strutting along but in non-awkward silence for a bit] Janis: [living laughing loving like you're not about to get in so much trouble lolollol] Jimmy: [do we wanna skip to his gaff so no other moments happen along the way lol?] Janis: [probably, let's not get carried away yet when there's a whole night ahead] Jimmy: [you're still sober rn lads give it time] Janis: [hohaha] Jimmy: [when he'd have to check in with Cass and Bobby before he can even do anything else remotely, making them cups of tea and food and all kinds of bollocks, you better have walked that dog while he was at work kids we don't have time] Janis: [forever awkwardly there like hello] Jimmy: [like excuse him while he has a little argument with his sister cos she's had bobby all day and he's only just got back and he's basically gonna go straight back out] Janis: [soz girl, just going outside so they can do this in private like you're gonna smoke but you definitely ain't] Jimmy: [he's right back to being stressed because what a day we're having Jimothy, trying to do everything you gotta do with a clingy little bro in your face rn] Janis: [the joys of being an unwilling parent to your siblings truly] Jimmy: [I like to imagine he's forced them on the trampoline like let's all calm down] Janis: need me to do anything? Jimmy: 💀💀💀 us Janis: us in the singular or us as in me and you or us as in you want me to family anihilate Janis: the important questions save from awkward misunderstandings later Jimmy: right now I ain't that fussy, babe Jimmy: suit yourself Janis: Generous to a fault Janis: it's impressive Janis: I'll put the drink in the car Jimmy: 💕 Janis: set up the hose and all Janis: whenever you're ready, babe Jimmy: I read that you meant for a 🚿 Jimmy: about to bring up that rich v poor divide again there Janis: as much as the neighbours would be 👀 behind their curtains Jimmy: 👵💕👴 Jimmy: proper cheered me and Doris an' all, tah Jules Janis: any time Jimmy: you can use our actual 🚿 if you need though Jimmy: sight of you would 💀💀💀 her off Janis: Cheers Janis: couldn't hurt, even if there's no decent lads to pull 💔 Jimmy: that screenshot is being @ed to Mr Lucas Jimmy: such a heartbreaker you Janis: s'alright, just tell him he's a man not a lad Janis: answer for everything me 😇 Jimmy: get out of my bathroom actually I've gotta 🤢🤢 Janis: so jealous, so immature Janis: 😂 Jimmy: 🖕 Jimmy: how mature's that? 😘 Janis: SO impressive Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt baby Jimmy: you know it Janis: of course Janis: I am getting in now though so if you're actually gonna come in, bring your 📷 or don't, like Jimmy: that ain't fair, I already know what an exhibitionist you are, gimme a new kink to unlock Janis: I'm not making it any easier for you Jimmy: spoilsport Janis: not even 🥉 behaviour, that Janis: sort it out Jimmy: Alright, dickhead, appreciate the shot's fired but I still ain't 💀💀💀 Janis: Shame Janis: and no 🎟 for that one either, I know Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: there's your 🚿🎵 Janis: Tah Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [after a suitable shower time] Janis: your turn Jimmy: 🏃 Janis: [awkward meetcute on the landing] Jimmy: [love that] Janis: [also she'll either be in a towel or in what she's wearing so either way we can assume 😍] Jimmy: [we all know what you'll be doing in that shower boy] Janis: [oohlala] Jimmy: [at least Ian ain't there to lament his water bill] Janis: [gonna have bigger problems soon soz not soz dickhead] Jimmy: [mhmm] Janis: [meanwhile not lowkey knowing where to put yourself rn, 'cos you don't wanna get up in the kids grill but also feels presumptuous just being in his room but ultimately where you're gonna be 'cos can style that out better] Jimmy: [bowl in with your towel on to make this more awkward] Janis: [just like um ah sorry run lmao] Jimmy: [put your clothes on and go find her sir] Janis: [just chilling by the car probably] Jimmy: [open the door for her thank you] Janis: [tipping your imaginary hat] Jimmy: [illegal driving time, don't die please] Janis: [to her house, which whilst so much faster in a car, still forever lol] Jimmy: [put your easter rising playlist on kids] Janis: [soundtrack to your love tbh] Jimmy: [and don't forget to stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere for your photoshoot moment] Janis: [so important, vital, some would say, ie yous two] Jimmy: [it's been an age by your standards cos he didn't post the bench moment the fans need #content 👌] Janis: [when that was too #personal we all know it] Jimmy: [whenever her actual name gets used it's too personal that's the tea] Janis: [no pretending then] Jimmy: [lbr there's barely any even this early on] Janis: [when you're just bad at this but that works in favour of being believed 'cos it's real lmao] Jimmy: [imagine if it was all fake like alright well bye] Janis: [you thought lads] Jimmy: [they'd have to be 🤖] Janis: [and you ain't, despite efforts bitch] Jimmy: [just like imma spend all this time with you and chat with you always but idc tho] Janis: [so realistic, the facts are if you actually intended to fake date you would have to do so little to make it seem legit, you don't need to really date lol] Jimmy: [literally could have do what Buster did for like 3 years and made someone up, he could've easily pretended he'd left someone up north but no] Janis: [like we know these girls are pushy but come on lol] Jimmy: [he's perfectly capable of being an antisocial dickhead and getting them to lose interest] Janis: [mhmm lmao, we see you, idk why we're shading as if this isn't out plan, like admit you fancied each other!!!1] Jimmy: [when it's a bestselling book/netflix show peeps gonna be shouting] Janis: [hohaha] Jimmy: [do we wanna do a skip or have you got anything you wanna do on this drive while they bonnie and clyde 39ing it] Janis: [hmmmmm, part of me wants to do it but maybe we should skip idk] Jimmy: [if you wanna do it gal we shall 😘] Janis: [tings could happen as they do] Jimmy: [thank god he needs to keep his eyes on the road because I can only imagine how 🔥 she looks rn] Janis: [I need to find pics but defs a lewk, totally for your benefit whether we're admitting that or obvs not, boy] Jimmy: [I'm being cockblocked as standard but he'd be serving a lewk also in the effortless way he do] Janis: [we're all 😍 up in here but still, conversation lmao 'did your dad teach you to drive?'] Jimmy: [such a bitter laugh because Ian would never 'I get it, the deathwish is a strong one, but let's get the party over and done with first, yeah?' because you know Ian would be a crap driver all that road rage] Janis: [obvs senses that's a no-go topic area and nods 'works for me, not a very cool way to die, 'less we're driving off a cliff' ha ha mems bye] Jimmy: ['controlling carpet salesman is more your type than the easy-going musician which is awkward' cos the musician's name is Jimmy I lol 'and you love a flirtatious stranger an' all'] Janis: [lols 'well, what a drag, not even gonna counter it because would LOVE a new carpet right about now'] Jimmy: [looks down at the floor of the car like understandable 'if you could keep your legs closed for a bit so all my savings don't get nicked by some obvs irresistible dickhead, I'd love that though'] Janis: ['I make no promises' 😏] Jimmy: [shakes his head like ugh what am I gonna do with you] Janis: ['am I the hot one or nah though?'] Jimmy: ['Your shit taste is well documented' like you tell me] Janis: [shrugs like boy idk 'not got it memorized' 'cos lowkey has no clue] Jimmy: [shrugs back like neither do I as if he didn't just drop all that plot on her] Janis: [🙄 'well now I'll never know just how much of a drag it was'] Jimmy: ['I'm the hot one, you should know that'] Janis: [offended noises] Jimmy: [poke her like excuse you but keep 👀 on the road so god knows where that hand is gonna land] Janis: [flapping his hand away like get off 'I am not willing to say you're the hot one, thank you'] Jimmy: ['what are you willing to say then?' why you gotta be so flirty boyy] Janis: [raises her hand like she's swearing in court ['the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God'] Jimmy: ['sleepover was the other night, mate'] Janis: ['they weren't having no game of truth or dare with us' face like I wonder why lmao] Jimmy: ['gonna need you to take one for the team and express my heartbreak' cos he can't do 💔 hands while driving] Janis: [does 'though you're the only one not playing nice right now so, think on'] Jimmy: [risking a look at her like ?] Janis: ['we could play right now' like duh] Jimmy: ['what dares can I do with both hands on the wheel?'] Janis: [snorts 'don't tempt me' but shakes her head 'called TRUTH OR dare, just pick truth, and I gave you the chance to ask me first anyway'] Jimmy: ['I can't be pulling over every time you want me to do something' and a LOOK soz drivers 'but alright' cos can't turn down a challenge ever] Janis: ['you can keep your hands where I can see 'em at all times, promise' returning that LOOK but being 😳 by the time he's turned 'round 'go on then, ask me something interesting'] Jimmy: ['Nah, lasses first, gimme a dare, if you can think of owt'] Janis: [a sigh like fgs boy 'no, alright, let me think then' humming and tapping your lip to show how hard you're thinking about this 'alright, truthfully, if you HAD to bang one of the flat whites, who would you pick?] Jimmy: ['your sister' because honestly Grace is the least annoying not just cos Janis is not gonna be happy about it though that's a bonus] Janis: [retches 'shut up and pick someone else'] Jimmy: ['Don't ask for the truth if you can't handle it'] Janis: ['it's not the truth, you're a dick'] Jimmy: ['Yeah it is'] Janis: [😒] Jimmy: [nudges her like cheer up] Janis: [just shifting your body out of reach like no] Jimmy: ['Stop being a dickhead'] Janis: ['You first'] Jimmy: ['It were your question, I'd be a dickhead if I never answered'] Janis: ['we're not playing anymore'] Jimmy: [sighs but doesn't say anything] Janis: [turning up the music] Jimmy: [awkwardly driving] Janis: [getting herself a drink from the back probably very inelegantly climbing over all the shit, which is a bit rude but here we are] Jimmy: [a long enough pause that he easily could have dropped the topic but has not 'who did you want me to fuck'] Janis: ['Literally anyone but my sister, it's not hard'] Jimmy: ['would be' because ew imagine any of them and him] Janis: ['forget it'] Jimmy: ['You first'] Janis: ['fuck off, I don't have to do anything'[ Jimmy: ['I don't have to fuck your sister, it were just a game'] Janis: ['go for it, it's such an easy choice, like'] Jimmy: ['shut up, I don't wanna go for it'] Janis: ['whatever'] Jimmy: [is just looking at her like what the fuck are we doing this for if I was just gonna get with any of them, don't crash please] Janis: ['stop looking at me and focus'] Jimmy: [dramatically but safely thank you pulls over so he can just stare her out because that bitch] Janis: ['what are you doing?'] Jimmy: ['What are you doing?' so annoying] Janis: [the exasperation just like bitch, getting out 'I'm walking'] Jimmy: [obviously also gets out 'you're being a massive twat'] Janis: ['then get back in your car and leave me alone'] Jimmy: ['no'] Janis: ['well I'm not getting back in'] Jimmy: ['Well it's getting left here then, wherever the fuck here is'] Janis: ['Don't be ridiculous'] Jimmy: ['you'] Janis: ['I've not done anything wrong, I want to walk, go away' pushing him in the general direction of the car] Jimmy: [gets back in the car like fine but it's not fine] Janis: [just sitting on the side of the road fuming 'cos you've not even got the speakers yet] Jimmy: [when you can't even have a drink #gutted] Janis: go to my house Janis: I'll tell my brother you're coming to pick the gear up Jimmy: I'm not going without you Janis: for fuck's sake Jimmy: get in Janis: don't look at me don't talk to me Janis: alright Jimmy: 👌 Janis: [gets in and slams the door] Jimmy: [well this is fun kids, but hey at least we're moving again] Janis: [dramatically looking out this window] Jimmy: [turns the music up even more] Janis: [turns it down 'cos petty] Jimmy: [is so 😒 but leaves it] Janis: [get these speakers quick] Jimmy: [imagine the weird vibe when they do, oooh someone's had a domestic] Janis: [also gotta hope said sibling doesn't dob you in 'cos Jimmy is not old enough to be driving we all know this] Jimmy: [also hope Grace isn't home cos AWKWARD] Janis: [safe to say you will not be coming to this soiree anyway] Jimmy: [thank goodness none of them are for a multitude of reasons] Janis: [just both dying to be out this car now, on your phone giving people details so at least you've got an excuse/something to do] Jimmy: [what a hilarious drive back that would be] Janis: ['everyone's coming'] Jimmy: [nods in recognition of her saying that but we all know he's not bothered rn] Janis: [what if she invited Pete though] Jimmy: [BITCH OMG DO IT] Janis: [dragging you into this soz boy] Jimmy: [because they haven't been coupley af at his work yet or anything and neither of them has really interacted with him so it makes it more blatant] Janis: [gotta be done] Jimmy: [I am living] Janis: [we can probably skip now we aren't getting past this lol] Jimmy: [yeah agreed, like all he's gonna do is get back dump the shit then take the car back and check the kids are okay and then walk back to the school all in a moody silence so] Janis: [we know the vibe, blatantly taking advantage of how fast this party is gonna get out of control to avoid each other] Jimmy: [raid Ian's stash while you're there boy because stronger stuff that's so needed] Janis: [sudden life and soul like excuse me whilst I talk to everyone and accept all the drinks etc] Jimmy: [the fakest she's ever been] Janis: [hostess with the mostest] Jimmy: [we all know that's a fuck you too cos he called her a shit host] Janis: [getting turnt, locating Pete] Jimmy: [he's straight up gonna drag her away from that boy, soz pete] Janis: [he's gonna be so confused like hello? meanwhile 'well, that was rude'] Jimmy: [having to style it out to everyone like I just really miss her excuse me 'rude is right, what did you invite him for?'] Janis: [shrugs 'cos he's cool?'] Jimmy: ['how the fuck would you know?'] Janis: ['I talked to him' that was barely an exchange but pop-off 'anyway, there are so many people here, what does it matter?'] Jimmy: [😒 af but you can pretend it goes with what you're about to say 'my manager gonna turn up in a bit an' all or what?'] Janis: ['if he's cool too, maybe'] Jimmy: [walking away but giving her a look like you're such a dick] Janis: ['great talk' shouted after him] Jimmy: ['if you were cool, might've been' shouted back because so mature] Janis: [💔] Jimmy: ['Open with that, next lad you have a great talk with'] Janis: ['Thanks for the suggestion' and walking away to get fully lost in this crowd] Jimmy: [likewise walking off to somewhere he can be on his own or as close to that as we're getting in this chaos] Janis: [least there is an abudance of classrooms, they can't all be full yet] Jimmy: [get drunker because what could go wrong there] Janis: [oh lord, the only way is down] Jimmy: [I've just had the MOST EVIL thought because Pete also smokes do you see where I'm going with this] Janis: [I think I do you lil shrew] Jimmy: [not actually a MOMENT but when you're jealous af everything's a moment] Janis: [is nothing sacred] Jimmy: [how dare you smoke with other hot baristas] Janis: [you don't even smoke lol] Jimmy: [so yeah do you wanna do that? 😈] Janis: [why not, we're out here fucking everything up now] Jimmy: [when you're straight up just gonna try and leave this party boy please I'm not allowing that] Janis: [when you don't even get why he's just immediately turned around so offended so you think it's purely 'cos he doesn't want to see you rn so you go off into the main hall again like okay] Janis: go smoke, I've moved now Jimmy: go where you like Jimmy: I'm going home Janis: erm why Jimmy: 1. you heard me before, fuck who you want but don't make me look a twat Jimmy: 2. I don't need to be here Jimmy: 3. I don't wanna be here Janis: 1. I've not fucked anyone Janis: 2. so you're gonna leave me to get in trouble when that's the entire point of this whole thing to you, apparently Janis: 3. see 2 Jimmy: I've got no shortage of shit I can do to get in trouble Jimmy: You can have this one Janis: Bullshit am I taking the fall for you now Jimmy: bat your eyelashes and tell it were all my idea Jimmy: nowt even fake in that Janis: fuck off with that too Janis: you're being so stupid Jimmy: yeah proper smart move to be all over my co-workers Janis: Hardly Janis: I was talking to him, not a crime Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: I have to see him every day at the same place those bitches go every day Janis: So Janis: I thought you might like someone here you actually know Jimmy: So it ain't very goals when your girlfriend is a massive slag Janis: I already told you Janis: I was talking to him, fuck all else Jimmy: And who else 👀 that? Janis: I've talked to plenty of people here Janis: and the reason I'm not talking to you is your fault so you can't put that on me Jimmy: Get in a darker corner and get a bit closer, sure we can still spin that so it's my fault somehow Janis: Jesus, I'm not an idiot and I'm not trying to fuck him Jimmy: we're surrounded by idiots, stick to the fucking script or exit stage left Janis: I'm making best of the situation Janis: but fine, let's both leave, this whole exercise has been fucking pointless Jimmy: Me an' all, this ain't happening to me again Jimmy: I loved her, I don't even like you Janis: What are you talking about Jimmy: leave it out Janis: You said it Janis: typed it Jimmy: I can't hypothetically fuck your sister with a gun to my head, you can't actually fuck anyone I know Janis: We were having a cigarette, that's what you 👀 Janis: if that pisses you off then you can see why you pissed me off Janis: that's that Jimmy: I never said I couldn't see why you were pissed off Jimmy: not blind Janis: Yes you did Janis: you still don't even get it now, so fuck that Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: but I'm never going near your sister Janis: then you don't Jimmy: I didn't invite her here to piss you off Janis: You didn't have to pick her Jimmy: You wanted honest Janis: Yeah, and if you can't see she's the worst Janis: then I don't want to be your friend and you don't get it Jimmy: I picked her 'cause she's barely spoken to me Jimmy: she's never barged in on me in the bathroom or awkwardly flirted with me Jimmy: there's nowt else to it Janis: I'm over this Jimmy: come on Jimmy: I don't like anyone, least of all any of them Janis: Fine Jimmy: is it? Janis: Sure Janis: it just proves how stupid this is Janis: you don't know me, I don't know you, we've got nothing in common Jimmy: that were the point Jimmy: you can't fake owt with someone who knows you Janis: that ain't the point in being friends Janis: to think we could do both was the mistake Janis: so let's drop it Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: but this party were a good idea Jimmy: is Janis: I hope so Jimmy: just stay Janis: whatever Janis: I had and ave reasons to be here too, I never said I didn't Jimmy: yeah Janis: enjoy your party, Jimmy Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: 👍 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: Make it a lot later okay Jimmy: suits me Janis: when are you going to be done with this? Jimmy: When are you? Janis: I'm fine now, no one thinks I'm gay Janis: but I'll hold up my end of the deal Janis: so get to your end point and tell me Jimmy: Lasses are gonna fancy me however long this goes on, soon as we end it I'll be back at square one Jimmy: might as well do it now if that's what you want Janis: So what was your plan Janis: do it 'til you found a real girlfriend, what? Jimmy: how do you expect me to plan for that level of crazy? Jimmy: I'll be gone soon Jimmy: be a new boy somewhere else Janis: You'll forgive me for not having much sympathy Janis: only been dealing with it forever Janis: and when is that gonna be, exactly Jimmy: hang on, I'll @ my dad and ask him Jimmy: doubt he'll mind Janis: I don't think either of us knew how long we were signing up for Janis: that's the point, yeah? Jimmy: don't worry about it, this party'll get me one foot out Janis: Good Jimmy: steady on, we ain't gotta have nowt in common Janis: You aren't funny Janis: so no danger Jimmy: ain't gotta be that either, have I? Jimmy: trying to repel the lasses not the other way round Janis: you aren't that special, you know Jimmy: it's not me saying I am Janis: no Jimmy: just trying to keep my head down Jimmy: it ain't my fault they like the look of it Janis: you've really fucked everything up Janis: but maybe that ain't your fault Jimmy: I have got form, probably is Janis: You love moping Janis: have it Jimmy: 👍 Janis: why'd you lie Jimmy: What? Janis: I ust wanna know what the point of saying you wanted to be my friend was Jimmy: I weren't lying Janis: You clearly didn't want to be my friend Jimmy: Bollocks Janis: Come on Jimmy: you Janis: You'd give a shit now if you did Jimmy: I do give a shit now Janis: about how you look Jimmy: stop chatting shit Janis: I heard you the first time Janis: none of this is remotely about me Jimmy: everything I do is about you Janis: You don't need to chat shit just 'cos you reckon I am Jimmy: you're my first thought in all this bollocks Janis: Yeah, and you hate me for it Janis: it isn't my fault they won't leave you alone either, alright Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: I know that, not fucking braindead Janis: then don't treat me like I am Jimmy: I'm sorry Jimmy: I don't need to go on about what today's been like, you've been about for most of it Janis: Yeah, alright Janis: I'm sorry for inviting your coworker Jimmy: Alright Janis: Actual truce then Jimmy: might last a fucking minute this time, like Janis: don't get carried away Jimmy: weren't promising nowt Janis: just warn me next time you're gonna have a meltdown and we'll be fine Jimmy: you were the one who stropped out of the car, babe Jimmy: didn't get a single 📷 Janis: and you're the one who wouldn't go to my house alone so Janis: we'll have to have a truce Janis: and I'm in no state now Janis: the evidence of this party will speak for itself Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: #whentheonlycrimecommitedisthelackofselfiesinthatoutfit Janis: Shut up 😏 Jimmy: at least come here so I can 😍😍🤤 over it Janis: tell me where you are then Jimmy: 🎨 room #duh Janis: 'course you are Janis: see if I remember where it is, get lost for once instead of you Jimmy: Where are you? Janis: bathroom Janis: where else do girls go to 😭 Jimmy: [draws her an adorable quick little map] Janis: Cheers, nerd Jimmy: now you can always find me when we're stuck here 💕 Janis: Cute Janis: fucking weird being here at night Janis: not that I think we will be much longer now Jimmy: do my 🥇 work at night, me Jimmy: I'll show you Janis: I'm not gonna grade you Janis: given how tense things are already, risky game Jimmy: I don't need you to tell me it's top marks Janis: 🤓 Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: Colour me unsurprised that you're class show-off Jimmy: don't say a word, me Jimmy: there's no need Janis: oh God Janis: you're insufferable 😂 Jimmy: *😎 Janis: shh Janis: or I'm purposely getting so lost Jimmy: have to find you for once Janis: I'm good at hiding Jimmy: I'm good at 👀 Janis: the 😎 ain't prescription Janis: 😱 Jimmy: told you I weren't blind Janis: I stopped listening after you said you wanted to bang my sister Janis: which speaks to the contrary 🤷 Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: you would've heard me say sorry if you were bothered Janis: I'm bothered Jimmy: so what you just want another one? Janis: Maybe Jimmy: gonna have to do something for it since you ain't listening to nowt I've said Jimmy: 🤔🤔 Janis: Now I know why you wanted a dare Jimmy: Go on then Jimmy: I'll do owt you want so you know how sorry I am Janis: Don't say that Jimmy: Why? Janis: 'cos it's been one of those days Janis: and I'm too drunk to be sensible Jimmy: that's why you should let me make it up to you Jimmy: or it'll keep on being shit Janis: okay Janis: but you do what you think Janis: I'm not telling you to do anything Jimmy: just for tonight or ever again? Janis: like I tell you what to do all the time Jimmy: I'm just saying, might be a dealbreaker Janis: Oh right Janis: it's a kink, I forgot Jimmy: taking your 🎟🎟 off you Janis: 😣 Janis: I'll tell you what to do Jimmy: go on Janis: come out and find me instead Janis: I can't be just me and you right now Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: how far did you get? Janis: corridor Janis: don't call me scared Jimmy: [appears like the 👻 he is] Janis: [such an intense LOOK in every sense 'cos what a time we're all confused and frustrated] Jimmy: [giving her those 😍 he said he would and MORE lbr] Janis: [when I'm like you're staying still girl I don't trust you lol] Jimmy: [when I'm like who's around that you can use as an excuse to do what you really want lol] Janis: [there'd be people and that was my shameless vibe 'cos no going back if it happened when you were alone] Jimmy: [just really intensely kiss her in between saying how sorry you are then boy, I insist] Janis: [so about it there's no denying] Jimmy: [thank god they can forget because drunk if we need them to because DAMN] Janis: [god damn x3] Jimmy: [also thank god he's wearing more clothes than her because once again she's basically in the same boat as on school trip and they're just dry humping all over everything so casually] Janis: [put some more clothes on hoe lol but never do and seriously, this is enough of a show without how bad you wanna go further] Jimmy: [a hoe never gets cold especially in April] Janis: [it's basically Summer lmao] Jimmy: [they should go back to the art room at some point if they can ever find chill for a paint fight cos they wearing black it'd be 🎨] Janis: [that's a good idea] Jimmy: [I'm trying to think how they can lowkey trash the place and that seemed an obvious one] Janis: [I am down, if they ever stop lol] Jimmy: [which they won't for an age if ever lol] Janis: [how are we stopping y'all ahh] Jimmy: [someone could always basically fall on them cos drunk chaos] Janis: [that would work, break the spell casually] Jimmy: [especially if it's a heavy lad even you two can't just ignore that] Janis: [just 😒 but not at him so improvement lol] Jimmy: [don't fight him Jimothy just go have your paint fight and live your best life] Janis: [we all know you were very in the way lol] Jimmy: [as standard, so go handhold your way back to the art room as is also your standard] Janis: [being like 'which is yours?' like a parent coming to see your work on parents evening] Jimmy: [getting shy like] Janis: [squish.that.face 'go on' nudges him] Jimmy: [the most exasperated sigh ever like she is a parent suddenly lol] Janis: [walks around looking at the work herself like okay, okay, 'I'll work it out'] Jimmy: [shamelessly looking at her while she's checking out the 🎨] Janis: [when he's done enough doodles that you could pick them out but probably not 📷 'did I find them all?'] Jimmy: [just taking her to all the ones she didn't but he can't look at them because he's awks] Janis: [just approving like get it boy but silently and low-key 'cos not that bitch, turning round 'where do you sit then?' and sitting on his desk when he tells her] Jimmy: [sits on his chair so they're accidentally really close to each other] Janis: ['this is how porn starts' saying what we're all thinking] Jimmy: [loling] Janis: [😏 but tension] Jimmy: [😏 back forever] Janis: ['teach me then'] Jimmy: [gets out art supplies like a nerd] Janis: [buzzing like show me how to art] Jimmy: [what's a art thing he could teach her how to do? hmmmm] Janis: [thank god she's got some skillz even if drunk, don't wanna be tragically shit] Jimmy: [imagine, they'd be arguing again like immediately] Janis: [we don't need that tah] Jimmy: [christ knows what he's teaching her but it's a moment] Janis: [obviously gonna involve paint and obviously gonna splodge a bit on his cute concentration face to start this paint war] Jimmy: [get her back on her 😏 face because she would be and we all know] Janis: [I wish pinterest would come through for this but I already know lol] Jimmy: [I will look but they won't even serve me an outfit for him so probably not gonna happen] Janis: [exactly dr phil] Jimmy: [on the one hand I want other peeps to show up so they can attack them but on the other I don't because just jj things] Janis: [we probably should to avoid another Moment TM] Jimmy: [yeah at least when there's at least a couple of other people around we can pretend it's fake, there's no going back otherwise] Janis: [we can feel it coming lads] Jimmy: [so can they and that's the tea] Janis: [mhmm mhmm] Jimmy: [you deserve this carefree paint fight and ensuing makeout lads, shit is gonna hit the fan soon enough] Janis: [what kind of fallout should we do?] Jimmy: [that's a good question cos we know Ian is gonna 🥊 but yeah we need to decide how hard to go with everyone else] Janis: [like assuming the police get called to shut this down, I reckon you'd just get a warning/or maybe a community service vibe, that could be fun to do actually] Jimmy: [LIKE IN STEP UP but obvs not at all because they ain't cleaning no dance school but yass I like that idea] Janis: ['cos then even if Ian is like can't see that girl again they still will 'cos gotta go do this lol] Jimmy: [exactly and school will have to start eventually so you can't stop him then even if they get put in isolation or whatever they'll still find a way] Janis: [the rom and jules of it all] Jimmy: [you'll enjoy that both of yous] Janis: [not that you'll enjoy being separated the rest of the time 'cos so highkey heheheh] Jimmy: [though I'll enjoy not having to think of ways to cockblock you all the time] Janis: [just parents being parents 'cos you broke into and trashed your school lol] Jimmy: [this'll be a good reason for cali/the fam not to like him cos that was the vibe for why she had to invite him round to dinner remember when] Jimmy: [even though they would've totally done this when they were younger bye] Janis: [exactly yo, and likewise doesn't listen to them anyway so it's as much of a cockblock and not as we need so] Jimmy: [is there anything else you wanna do/have them say to each other before we 👮🚓?] Janis: [hmmm we've covered a lot of emotional ground I feel so we're probs good?] Jimmy: [I'm good with that]
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Welcome Home
Previously, in “Reunion”...
After an extensive five minutes, which felt longer to them, Hank broke the hug with a deep breath through his nostrils, grinning at the smiley android that stared back at him. With one last snicker, the older man rose to his feet, helping Connor onto his own with a tight grip on his shoulders. He sighed contentedly and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a side-hug as he led the bubbling android to his car. “Now, c’mon. Let’s go home. Sumo’ll lose his shit when he finds out we’ve got one more member of the family.”
The glare of the morning sun, which slowly drew from the horizons of Detroit, would normally irritate the human eye to no end. However, some would come to appreciate its reawakening rather than rising out of bed to find the skies tainted with dark clouds looming over the city, constantly pouring rain or snow. Some could say that this may have been the worst ongoing forecast of the year, given that winter wouldn’t be starting for another month.
A single Mustang 80, coated with a dark charcoal finish, swerved along the bend of the road and into a small, seemingly quiet neighborhood, lightly pulsating to the rhythm of AC/DC’s “Back In Black”, an obvious choice from Hank Anderson. Said man took a quick glance at the android in the passenger seat, who appeared to be gazing at the world beyond the glass window with a piqued interest, as he had been doing quite often throughout the entire car trip. Hank grinned once more and returned his attention to the road as he made his way to his home, which gradually grew closer as he pressed on. He made a smooth turn into the vacant driveway and removed the key from the ignition.
“Well, we’re here,” Hank stated as he swiveled his head to peer at a now-frozen Connor. He had all but bit his lip in an attempt to keep himself from bursting into laughter at the sight. “Jesus, you’re freezin’ up on me again? State-of-the-art prototype, my ass. Y’know, Sumo’s not gonna wait forever.”
“Apologies, Lieu-”
“Ah! What’d I tell you earlier?”
Connor blinked once and swiftly corrected himself. “...Hank. I believe that I’m still overwhelmed about what you’ve said to me near the Chicken Feed.”
With an amused smile, Hank raised his right hand to give a couple of pats to the android’s left shoulder. “Try not to think about it too much. Don’t wanna fry that brain of yours, do ya? Now, let’s get inside. It’s cold as fuck.”
And so, the men had stripped themselves of their seatbelts and proceeded to exit the vehicle. They then strode to the front door, stopping just in front of it as the human rummaged through his pockets in search of his house key. After a short deliberation, the search had concluded, and the key was offered to a confused Connor.
“Hey,” The sound of Hank’s voice wrenched the prototype out of his thunderstricken daze along with the jingle of the key, dangling it just at his eye level. “Wanna do the honors?”
With a light flutter of his eyelashes, Connor withdrew the key from the older man’s grasp with a dainty tug of the hand. “Yes... of course.”
Shaking off any sign of hesitance, the young man inserted the key into its respective slot within the doorknob, twisting into a clockwise rotation until an audible click reached their ears. He dislodged the tool and handed it to Hank - who slipped it into a pocket in his coat - before grasping the stained, brass knob. With a curve of his wrist, the wooden door gently glided toward the outside world, the brisk autumn breeze dispelling into the entryway.
As the human and the android immigrated into the small home, a warm, sentimental smile began to blossom Connor’s facial structure. He had only been in the Anderson household once - and that was to find an unconscious Hank on the floor, who had drunken himself to a comatose state, leaving the former deviant hunter to sober him himself - and yet, he felt as if he had lived here throughout his short, three-month life. The atmosphere smelled just like Hank: traces of alcohol, dog, and a hint of the same cheap cologne he could detect in the man’s jacket when they’ve hugged for the very first time.
Connor’s usually-sharp attention had dimmed as his eyes wandered around his new home, his mind swimming with pure content. He couldn’t even notice the loud, hearty ‘borf’ followed by the sound of claws clicking against the tile at the speed of a race, rapidly growing louder as the padded footsteps drew closer and closer. The force of a 170-pound mass of fur suddenly hurling into the android’s body caused Connor to elicit a shocked yelp as he found himself knocked to the floor and underneath this mighty beast, his LED burnishing a bright red to further display his shock. The red instantly reverted back to a calm cyan upon looking up at the face of a familiar, loveable St. Bernard he had once met: Sumo.
Connor opened his mouth and attempted to greet him, only to be interrupted by the large, wet tongue stroking over the artificial skin of his cheeks. Ecstatically. Sumo began to lap at the younger man’s face with affectionate, yet slobbery, doggy kisses. Strangely, the android began to feel a bubbling sensation from the depths of his mechanical core, causing him to burst into giggles. While he knew that this was a dog’s way of showing their love for their owners, he just couldn’t seem to decipher the reason as to why his titters rose from his voice box, considering he had nothing to classify as amusing. Was it the affection? He assumed it to be a possible factor.
“Hi, Sumo,” Connor greeted in between his giggles as he reached up to bury his fingers into the fur of the hound’s great head, his blunt fingernails scratching along his scalp as if trying to return the affection. Despite how messy his face was becoming from the excessive dog drool, he paid absolutely no mind to it. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying the feeling of being piled on by the warm of Sumo’s large body while receiving his token of love. “Yes, I’ve missed you as well!”
All the while, Hank watched with saturated amusement, laughing to himself at the view of his beloved dog coating the deviant’s face with relentless doggy kisses. He would be lying if he said that the sight was anything but heartwarming. “Alright, alright. Ease up on him, ya big oaf.” He gave the St. Bernard’s collar a gentle tug, catching his attention with a low whine rumbled from the dog’s chest as he hoisted himself from the android, approaching his human. “Good dog.” He praised as rubbed the dog’s head, making him pant and thump his tail against the floor.
Gradually, the giggles began to fade from Connor’s systems, and he proceeded to pick himself up from his position on the floor. He couldn’t help but smile at the scene before his peripheral vision: Hank, usually gruff and ill-tempered as he came to know, was kneeling down to meet Sumo’s level, rubbing his beloved pet all over, whilst the canine’s tongue lolled from the side of his muzzle. Sumo rolled onto his back, his tail waving and his leg kicking up in the air to the older man's constant coos and praises:
“Yeah, good boy, Sumo! You looove that, don’t ‘cha? Who’s a big oaf, huh? Who is it?”
The mere sight of it persuaded a coy smirk to tug at Connor’s lips. While being equipped with the ability to adapt to human unpredictability was one of his many features, he could have never possibly fathomed the man to coo. Then again, he never pegged him as one to hug anyone, let alone an android - considering the fact that he despised androids even before they first met at Jimmy’s Bar - and yet, he could see that the man has changed his perspective regarding Connor’s own kind.
At last, Connor decided to cut in and divert the lieutenant’s attention from the dog. Still wearing the smug grin, he pretended to clear his throat. “Hank?”
In an instant, Hank ceased in coddling his beloved pet and whipped his head up to set his gaze on the deviant, quickly shaking off his stupor. “Shit, I actually forgot you were there for a moment.”
“In all the time I’ve known you, Hank, I never deemed you to be a cooer,” Connor mused, the same shit-eating grin still fixated on his face.
In response, the older man dismissed the lip sent his way with a scoff. “Fuck off.” He shot back with no real heat lingering in his tone. “I ain’t the one with dog slobber all over my face. Speakin’ of which... you might wanna go rinse off. Kinda disgusting.” He then made a gesture towards the hallway to the left. “The bathroom’s still in the same place where it was last time you were here: down the hall over there and on the right.”
“Thank you. I’ll only need a minute, and I’ll rejoin you,” Connor replied as he strode forward, making a turn to his left and entering the hallway, shortly coming across to the bathroom door on his right-hand side. He gingerly turned the knob and stepped towards the vacant sink, briefly glancing at a reflection of himself in the mirror, marveling at the fine coat of dog saliva decorating his facial skin. No more than ten seconds passed before Connor finally decided to do away with the mess.
Turning the water faucet to provide himself with running water at a moderate temperature, he then shaped his hands together to create a makeshift bowl. First, he lightly tossed the lukewarm water back into his own face to rinse off the drool. Next, he turned his attention to a soap pump at the corner of the sink top and dispensed a fair amount of soap into his hand, only to lather his face afterward. And finally, he repeated the first step, only this time, he would do away with the soap, thoroughly cleansing his artificial skin. He yanked a lone hand towel from a nearby towel rack to gently dab his face until he dried his skin.
Connor dispersed from the small bathroom, only to find Hank coming out of his own bedroom, clad in an old, grey DPD hoodie and worn pair of black lounge shorts.
Hank looked at the android with an incredulous bore as his grey-blue eyes scanned the suit, the only piece of clothing he had ever worn. “Uh, you’re not planning on wearing that suit of yours while we have no work, are you?”
“What is wrong with my suit?” Connor asked dumbfoundedly, cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy.
“Well, for one thing, it’s all covered in dog hair,” Hank gestured to the android’s Cyberlife suit, which was now spattered with noticeable strands of Sumo’s fur. “Connor, you know that you’re not obligated to wear it anymore. You’re a deviant now, so you’re free to wear anything else.”
“But I have no other clothes. I was only provided with my suit,” Connor stated with same blank expression fixed upon his facial structure.
Hank gawked at the baffled android in response, blinking once, twice before turning his back to the other and reentering his bedroom once more. He could hear the faint sound of dress shoes lightly thumping against the cloud-hued carpet, following the closet door sliding to the right. Yes, he could feel the presence and stare of a confused, yet curious, Connor from the doorframe.
He began to scrutinize the contents inside his closet in hopes of finding something decent for the kid to lounge in, so he automatically crossed off the few shirts with awfully tacky patterns from the mentally constructed list. Pushing the shirts aside to the left, Hank had come to discover a charcoal DPD hoodie with a contrasting style to the one he was currently wearing suspended by a coat hanger. He made no hesitation to rip the hoodie from the hanger and draped it over his left forearm. Hank thought it was a hell of a coincidence to find a pair of onyx sweatpants balled up into the corner of the closet. He seemed to remember them fitting quite well in his younger days, back to when he was just about Connor’s size. Taking upon the offering, he knelt down onto the carpeted floor then sunk the fingers of his right hand into the cotton fabric and yanked the bottoms from the closet, carrying it with his left arm as a makeshift clothing rack.
Hank rose to his feet and slid the closet door to the left, therefore closing it. He turned to face the former deviant hunter once more, presenting him with the bundle of clothes in his hands. “Here, you can borrow some of mine until we can go out and buy you some new clothes.”
Connor opened his mouth to politely decline his offer, but no words came out as he presumed that the older man was going to lend him the clothes, regardless of his protests. With a hint of hesitance, he raised his arms forward to collect the two pieces of clothing and cradled them in his arms with a bit of tenderness. “Thank you, Hank.”
“Don’t mention it,” Hank dismissed the android’s gratitude with a casual flick of his hand, gesturing towards the bathroom. “Now, go get changed. You ain���t gonna be walkin’ around the house and gettin’ dog hair everywhere.” He added with a decipherable jestful tone as he waltzed out of his bedroom, leaving a somewhat stunned Connor behind.
A brief ten seconds was all the time that had been spent in Connor trying to shake off his stupor, and he traveled out of the master bedroom and across the hall to re-enter the bathroom once again. He gingerly shut the door and locked it to prevent any intrusion as he began to strip himself. He started with his trademark Cyberlife jacket, followed by his geometric-patterned necktie, only for his white button-up shirt, tossing them onto the floor afterward. The prototype approached the porcelain toilet and sat down so that he could remove his footwear without doubling over in the process. He slung his right leg upward to rest his ankle atop of his left thigh and proceeded to untie the laces of his shoe, loosening it. Once the shoestrings were untied, he gently tugged his dress shoe from his foot, lightly ricocheting it next to the sink counter. He repeated the process with his left foot, and he was soon left with his black ankle socks, marveling at the newfound weightlessness of his feet. Finally, he unzipped, unbuttoned, and pulled down his smokey grey trousers, freeing his legs.
Connor couldn’t fight the shiver racking his frame as the cool air met his synthetic skin, having been stripped down to the solid black, spandex-like boxers he was provided with upon his activation. Not wanting to bear the cold any longer than he already had been following his deviancy, he then slipped the hoodie over his head and tugged the sweatpants up to his legs.
Retreating from the toilet and to the mirror, Connor fixated his gaze on the reflection that stared into the chocolatey irises of his optical units: the android, who grown used to sporting his usual Cyberlife suit, was now clad in a DPD hoodie and casual sweatpants. Almost instantly, he could understand as to why Hank had insisted on shedding his usual work apparel for a choice of clothing, such as this. The fabric felt... soft on the android’s artificial skin. The feel of it was just so comforting, as was the faint scent of the man lingering from the fabric. He didn’t even appear to mind that the hoodie was approximately twice his size, it only added onto the coziness provided to him. Connor was awestruck by the fact that he almost seemed human, aside from the luminescent LED at the right side of his head.
After much deliberation, Connor turned away from the mirror to gather the suit he had shed and propelled it into the clothes hamper nearby with little care in the world. He ultimately decided to quit wasting his time loitering and reemerged from the bathroom, striding down the hallway and towards the living room. Coincidentally, he found Hank exiting the kitchen, a can of Pineapple Passion soda in hand.
“Y’know, that’s not a bad look for you,” Hank spoke up, throwing a smile in the direction of the former deviant hunter as he passed by, sinking into the living room sofa within the very second he got close enough. He then made a ‘come here’ gesture with a curl of his hand, beckoning Connor to join him on the couch. “Hey, quit standin’ around like you’ve got a stick up your ass, and get over here! Make yourself at home!”
The deviant’s doe-like eyes never left the lounging human“...Make myself at home?”
“Well, yeah! I mean, this is your home now, too!”
Not even sparing another second, Connor gladly made his way closer to the upholstered seat and plopped down onto his rear, just sitting at Hank’s left and close to the armrest. He had all but abandoned the fact that this was just the man’s home. It was now their home.
Hank sighed contentedly and lifted his legs from the floor, only to lower them onto the coffee table as a makeshift ottoman, his back sinking into the plush fabric behind him. “You gotta admit, that feels a hell of a lot more comfortable than that suit of yours. Take it from me, gettin’ out of work clothes and into some you can really breathe in, there’s... there’s just nothin’ like that.”
“I have no qualms about your opinion,” Connor returned without a shadow of a doubt as he looked over to the man at his further right, giving a light tug to the mass of fabric with a pinch of his index finger and thumb. “I’m beginning to see what I’ve missed out on. These clothes are quite comfortable.”
“Too fuckin’ right, they are. Comfy clothes are essential in lounging around,” Hank stated in a casual manner before he raised the brim of the aluminum can to his lips and took a swig from the carbonated beverage, after having popped the tab. He pulled the open can away from his mouth to speak once more. “They’re what allow us to walk around the house and not give a shit about what anyone thinks if that makes any sense to you.”
Connor’s LED began to flicker between blue and yellow at a moderate pace, trying to contemplate to himself. At first, he seemed to be stricken with confusion from the lieutenant’s odd declaration, but he managed to grasp the gist of it. “I suppose it makes some sense if anything.” Not much time had passed after his response, and the android suddenly shuddered, slightly taken aback by the faint whisper of cold air lingering within the walls. Naturally, he began to scan throughout the house from his seat and came across the culprit:
A window in the kitchen, covered with a squared piece of cardboard secured in place with two or three layers of industrial-strength duct tape applied to all four edges, had allowed traces of the frigid air to seep into the house. The very same window the android had no choice but to break when he discovered the man lying limp on the floor in an ethylic coma.
Connor began to feel a twinge of guilt invading his computerized mind, the content smile instantly fading away as he glanced down at the floor. He was the one who shattered the window. He was the one who let himself in with no regard to Hank’s property. And now, the human had one less window to protect himself from the harsh weather because of him. “I’m sorry about the window again, Hank.” He apologized once more for the damage he had caused, his tone soft and filled with remorse.
Hank shifted his sight to the left and gave the window a second of his attention before turning it to the downcast deviant. With a sigh, he extended his left hand and placed it on Connor’s right shoulder, prompting him to shift his gaze from the floor and to the human. “It’s okay, son, I already called a repairman. The window’ll be just fine tomorrow.”
“When I saw you through the window, I really thought you’d been attacked. Of course, that was until I came to get a closer examination of your condition,” Connor explained as he fidgeted with the hoodie’s drawstrings, twirling them with his fingers. “I... I think was worried about you, even when I was nothing more than a machine. I think a part of me cared for your well-being.”
“And that’s why you busted my window and broke into my house?”
Connor offered a slow nod in response, turquoise LED gently spirling. “Yes. Hank... the more time we’ve spent together throughout the investigation, the more I began to realize that accomplishing a mission wasn’t the most important aspect of my life. You’ve shown me that creating, building, and maintaining relationships... is what matters most. As much as I wanted to deny it, I... I think I had some deviancy within my coding, and you were the key to unlocking more of it.”
Hank sat still as he listened to the android’s words, blinking as if validating that he was still animated. “So, all those times you saved my life, you did that by choice?” He asked, receiving another nod. “Holy shit. And here I thought it was part of your buddy program. You threw your mission out of the window multiple times because you care about the life of an ol’ sack of shit like me.” He smiled warmly and proceeded to scoot closer to Connor, slinging an arm around his shoulders in a side-hug. “I know I never said this to you yet, but... thanks, Connor. I really appreciate you saving my neck several times.”
A soft, genuine smile curled onto Connor’s lips, the remorseful blankness in his gaze becoming an uplifted shimmer. “You’re welcome, Hank.”
As he patted Connor’s relaxed shoulder, his sight wandered to his jacket, which hung from a coat rack near the door, and he instantly remembered something he had been meaning to do. And so, the older man removed his arm from the deviant’s shoulders, quickly addressing him before he rose from the couch. “Hang on, I almost forgot. I got something for you.” He marched over to the idle jacket and rummaged through the pockets for a short while before swiveling at a 180° angle to face the younger man. Seeing Connor’s confused, curious daze made Hank beam in amusement as he strode back to the couch, concealing a hand behind his back and returning to his seat. “I know you told me to keep it, but I want you to have this.”
And with that, Hank withdrew his right hand from behind and opened his palm, revealing the quarter he had confiscated from the android when they were sent to investigate the Stratford Tower.
Connor’s eyes went agape upon registering the piece of silver displayed to him on the fleshy makeshift platter before his line of sight. He made an attempt to speak and parted his lips, but no words came out. Could it be the very same quarter he found comfort in along with his calibrative coin tricks? The prototype extended a slightly shaky hand forward and gingerly reeled in the coin toward himself. Wanting to make certain that this was his coin, Connor began to run a brief examination and came to discover the very traits he knew all too well:
On one side, a discernable contour of George Washington, with the term, ‘Liberty’, over the head and the excerpt, ‘In God we trust’. The sketch of an eagle facing forward, head pointing toward its right, talons clamping onto a sturdy branch beneath, and wings spread wide open, emblazoned the opposing side. A treillage of fern lay below the branch and the inscription, ‘United States of America Quarter Dollar’, curving along the rounded edges along with the Latin term, ‘Epluribus Unum’, written in a smaller text just above the eagle’s head. The smoothness and the pristine shine would strike one with disbelief upon registering the displayed date arrayed underneath the end of the late president’s neck: 1994.
The android marveled at the feeling of the cool, smooth exterior of the coin in great awe. It was, in fact, his coin - his most prized possession. Even when he had insisted the grizzled cop to keep it, claiming to have duplicates, he felt an odd feeling of... emptiness, was it? Yes, that’s what he believed it to be.
“My quarter...” Out of sheer habit and great joy, Connor began to let the quarter roll across his knuckles for no less than a minute before flicking it upward with the tips of his pointer finger and middle finger. He caught it gracefully in the palm of his opposite hand and stored it away into the large pocket at the lower area of his abdomen, giving Hank a grateful, yet ecstatic beam. “Thank you, Hank!”
Hank found himself unable to fight off the growing smile from plastering over his face at the android’s enthusiasm, slinging his left arm around his shoulders once more. “Not a problem, kid.” He took one gulp after another from the carbonated drink he swiped into his opposite hand until he had downed the entire can, much to his dismay. With a disgruntled vulgarity, he resigned to fetching another can of soda, lest he would become parched.
What he did not expect, however, was the sound of a light yelp emitting from Connor, who flinched and curled in on himself from the accidental brush at his side as he retracted his arm. Throughout the awkward silence that had only just immersed into the room, Hank’s silver eyebrows lifted in surprise, slightly gaping eyes peering at the deviant with immense interest. Could it be...? “Connor?”
“Yes, Hank?”
“You know about deviants, right? Aren’t they capable of feeling? And not just emotions, I’m talkin’ from a physical aspect, like humans do.”
The blue glow in Connor’s LED transposed to a bright yellow, pendulating as he foraged through his database for an appropriate response. “After androids undergo a deviation process, they are equipped with sensors, akin to the human nervous system. Deviants are able to experience and react to sensory transmissions, including to those derived from heat, cold, pain, and pleasure. Um, Hank... why are you looking at me that way?”
“You don’t get it?” The interest within the grizzled police lieutenant’s grey-blue irises sparked into a scheming glimmer, a ghost of a smirk appearing over his lips. “I hadn’t become the youngest police lieutenant in Detroit for nothing. Deviants are able to feel all that, and it goes without saying that touch is a part of it. Plus, given from the way you jumped and squeaked when I accidentally brushed your side, it doesn’t take a genius to put the pieces together. Call it a wild theory, but I think that would make you ticklish.” He stated, adding emphasis to the concluding phrase with a purr.
Connor lightly shuffled in his seat, unsure as to why he could feel a slight heat rush to his cheeks. “...Ticklish? I... I’m not sure that I’m following what you’re saying...”
The grin on the older man’s face sank into a surprised frown, an eyebrow quirked upward in disbelief. “Are you jokin’? You’ve got a dictionary in that brain of yours, and you don’t even know what tickling is?”
“I just never paid much thought on the topic...” The android admitted softly, now twiddling with his fingers as he rested his hands in his lap, his eyes wandering throughout the living room. “...Um... what is tickling?”
With a deep breath ventilating through his nostrils, Hank ran a hand through his silver tresses and closed his eyes, beginning to form an explanation decent enough to were it could possibly make sense to the clueless deviant by his side. “Well, tickling is... something that happens when a certain place is poked or touched in a way that makes someone laugh. No one knows why, so don’t ask.”
“I won’t ask. Although, I do have one question.”
“Shoot.”
“Why does anyone partake in such an activity?”
“People use ticking as a way to bond, whether it be friends, lovers, or family. It’s also a way to play or tease someone. Sometimes, it’s fun to just let go and laugh, even if you’re the one dishin’ it out.”
Connor blinked rapidly in the midst of pondering about tickling, his LED fluxing from blue to yellow several times before realigning to its neutral cyan. “...Are you certain that I could possibly possess ticklishness?”
A dark chuckle rose from Hank’s throat, a devious grin forming as he shifted himself around to face the android. With an evil gleam cascading through his eyes, he raised his hands up to his chest, fingers outstretched and wriggling, as if itching to pounce at some ticklish skin. “Wanna find out?”
Another yelp somehow managed to slip through Connor’s lips, much to his own surprise. How could the mere prospect of the man’s wiggly fingers already reduce him to nothing but a bundle of pouring giggles? He hadn’t even been touched, but that never stopped his titters. Yet, he wanted to seize the opportunity to experience the oncoming event. “W-Well, you did mention that this is a way to bond, didn’t you? If this will help increase our newfound familial relationship, then I’m willing to go through with this. Moreover, I think I’d like to see what it’s like.”
“Well, I ain’t gonna object to this!” Hank chortled, unable to fight off his continually growing smirk. “But you better be ready. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.” With that, he propped himself onto his knees and proceeded to slowly creep towards the former deviant, fingers twitching like a spider’s legs in preparation.
Once his slightly gaping eyes caught a glimpse of the restless digits, a stream of giggles began to pour from Connor’s lips, and he was tempted to back away, only to corral himself at an armrest. He could feel the pulsations of his thirium pump gradually crescendoing to an agile cadence as his human companion drew closer and closer with every passing second. A faint cerulean glow began to make itself to the fore of the peach-colored artificial skin of his cheeks. Alas, the RK800 model clenched his eyelids steadfastly and covered his eyes with his hands, unable to look into the playfully wicked intent of Hank’s grey-blue irises, which stared into his own anxious, yet giddy, chestnut ocular units.
The poor android could only wonder as to why Hank was subjecting him to this. Why couldn’t he keep his ongoing giggles down if he hadn’t even been touched yet? Why was he unable to look the man in the eye in the midst of his impending ‘doom’? Why couldn’t he just put him out of his misery and initiate the actual tickling already?
The sudden weight being administered onto his legs nearly provoked a shriek, having not expected that to happen. Exercising extreme caution, Connor parted the middle and ring fingers of his right hand to sneak a peek, only to discover that the middle-aged man was directly in front of him, sitting atop his legs. Moreover, much to his dismay, those mean fingers never stopped wiggling.
“W-What are you doing? Just do it already!” Connor pleaded, allowing his hands to fall from his face to grip at the sofa cushions, tittering through a toothy grin formed by his clenched teeth.
Instead of offering a verbal response to the desperate plea, Hank slowly shook his head, the evil grin never withering away. “Oh, I will, don’t worry. This is sort of part of tickling. See, when you’re about to tickle someone, sometimes you wanna build up their reaction to it by using anticipation methods. You can give ‘em a shit-eating grin... wiggle your fingers at ‘em... and just tease the everloving hell outta them, like telling them how bad they’re gonna get it, or getting reeeal close to a ticklish spot. Y’know, get inside their heads.” With his brief explanation ending, he proceeded to lower his claw-shaped hands towards the young man’s torso painfully slow, teasing him relentlessly.
The prototype sputtered with peels of frantic giggles, and he quickly craned his head to the side to avoid having to look at the descending hands, finding himself to be feebly sucking in his gut in hopes of escape.
“Oooh, look at this! My hands are getting closer and cloooseer!~ My fingers are just dyin’ to meet ‘cha!~ They’re just sooo close to making contact!” Came the teasingly sing-songy croon rumbling from Hank’s chest, slowly nearing his restlessly wiggling digits further towards the trembling abdomen below.
Upon registering the man’s teases, Connor felt a light, fluttery sensation spreading throughout the inside of his mechanical core, forcing him to emit a rather uncharacteristic squeal. He had a scarce idea as to how to describe it - it felt like something flying inside of him, and the wings were brushing against his interior walls. Was this what humans refer to as ‘stomach butterflies’?
Hank nearly snorted at the giggly deviant’s noises, finding them to be both amusing and adorable. Continuing to taunt him with his descending fingers, he began to recite a list of common-place areas receptible to tickling. “So, where do ya want it? Armpits?” He quickly thrust his hands underneath his arms, digging and spidering at the flesh with such vigor that the android immediately clamped his limbs to his sides. “Neck?” He gently fluttered his blunt fingernails along the scruff of said area as well as his ears, smiling at the titters and soft squeals he earned. “Feet?” He turned his back and sat on his torso before pulling the other’s right leg up to his chest, holding in place with an arm. With the appendage trapped by his firm hold, his free hand lunged at the flailing foot connected to the ensnared limb, scratching at the socked incline. “Knees?” He released the lurching limb and let it fall onto the couch, only to latch his hands onto his kneecaps, squeezing and tweaking. Afterward, he turned back around and resumed his original makeshift seat onto his legs. "Ribs - come to think of it, do you even have any?" He then slipped his hands underneath his old hoodie to ambush the aforementioned area with a flurry of light pokes to each and every artificial bone.
As the man pulled his fingers back after a few seconds of tapping the prototype’s ribs, Connor’s giggles seemed to be an endless stream pouring from his mouth after bubbling from the depths of his stomach. In the midst of this, he could see - through the mirth sparkling in his own eyes - that the lieutenant was hoisting the hem of the oversized hoodie upward, much to his bemusement. “H-Hank?”
Hank turned his attention to the android’s twitchy torso before shifting his vision to meet Connor’s constantly evasive gaze. Knowing that the fabric could easily fall, should the ‘victim’ toss around too much, he proceeded to tuck the bottom of the hoodie’s margin, rolling it up to where the entire length of his toned midriff was unveiled to the world. “How ‘bout heeere, huh?~” He suggested, earning another quiver of the openly exposed tummy, which he took as a ‘yes’. “Looks like we’ve got a volunteer~ What do you think? Ya got a ticklish tummy?~”
“I-I don’t know; I’m uncehertain,” The RK800 responded through anticipatory giggles he attempted to smother by clasping a hand over his mouth, trying to compose himself.
“You don’t know?” Hank echoed, mocking the android’s giddy, giggle-fueled tone. “Well, then. Guess we’re just gonna have to find out for ourselves, won’t we?~”
Instead of producing a proper verbal answer, Connor broke out into a fit of squeaky giggles as those treacherous hands had finally made their touchdown. If he were to describe sudden sensations of said hands repeatedly grabbing at his sides, he could say that they felt like miniature pulses of electricity faintly trickling from there to his middle, only to fade once these feelings reached to that point. “Eeehehehehehee! Hahahank!”
“Yeah?” The older man questioned with faux innocence and a quirked brow, trailing his squeezes down to the frantically twisting hips, where he treated with a suit of soft pinches, kneading thumbs, and light spidering. All of his methods were rewarded with squeaks, squeals, and snorts, which he found to be quite amusing.
“Ahahahahahaa!” Connor tittered in response to the flickering sensations riding through his coding continuously, making him shut one of his eyes. “Stahahahahaaap!” He cried out automatically.
“Stop? But we barely even started yet! And besides...” Hank suspended his exchange to crawl his fingers away from the artificial hipbones and to the fidgeting tummy above, attacking the bare flesh with swift, delicate scratches. “...you seem to be enjoying yourself. Just look at how much you’re laughing!”
“Nahahahahahaa! Hahahahank, nohohohooo!” The prototype protested lightly, his usually impeccable hair becoming slightly disheveled as he tossed his head back into the padded cushioning of the sofa.
Hank merely addressed whiney intonation with a chuckle in spite of his own regalement as he watched the android muddle his artificial locks. “Are my eyes deceivin’ me, or do I see you... messing up your hair?” He teased, pausing midway to draw in a gasp in false surprise. “And here I’ve pegged you to be the type that never goes out in broad daylight with hair that’s anything but immaculate, pretty boy~”
The blue tint in Connor’s cheeks grew slightly brighter in response to the playful jeer. While he knew that the man had solely made that quip to poke fun, it didn’t plague him with anything less than a chunk of embarassment. “S-Shuhut uhuhuup!” He whined, futilely attempting to cover his alit cheeks and nose.with his right hand.
The young man’s retort, while weak and lacking even a scarce amount of heat, provoked one of the grizzled cop’s silver eyebrows to arch up in shock. “I see someone’s been equipped with an attitude program as well. I was thinkin’ of stoppin’ soon, but now I’m really gonna have to show you what a good tickling truly is~”
“N-No, wahahait! I dihidn’t mean to be unpleheheasant! I’m sohohorryyyy!” Connor squeaked desperately as his human companion dragged his pointer finger down his abs and towards the small navel that lay just below the center of his stomach area, making him gasp and buck.
Hank looked up at the blushing face of the former deviant hunter with a smirk, glancing at the twitching cavity as he circled his finger around it frequently. “Those guys at Cyberlife really thought of everything. They even gave you your very own giggle button!”
The state-of-the-art prototype’s giggles increased upon hearing that very nickname, finding it to be both odd and silly at once. “G-Gihihiggle buhuhutton?”
“You have no idea what it’s for, do you?~” The lieutenant’s grin grew wider and displayed more mischief when he received a shake of the head. This was going to be fun. “Ya see, it’s a fun little button to play with. You push it,” He then gave the android’s miniature stomach cave a quick poke, gaining a yelp and a short laugh. “and giggles just come pourin’ out! It works better if you do this!” Without so much as a warning, he dipped his finger into the depths of the evidently sensitive navel, worming around and gently scratching at the interior walls.
Having not expected this to happen, the sudden sensations coursing through his stomach caused Connor to let out a particularly loud, high-pitched shriek. “EEEEEEEK!”
Hearing the shrill noise made Hank flinch and withdraw his finger from the dreadfully sensitive navel. After a few seconds of staring down at the former machine, however, he snorted through his nose before erupting into bouts of laughter himself. “Goddamn! What the fuck was that? In all the time I’ve known you, Connor, I never heard you shriek before! Never knew you had it in ya!”
“I-I was unawahare of possessing the capability to do so as wehehell...” Connor admitted bashfully through his leftover giggles. “I suppose I- Eeeek! Hahahahaaank!”
Rather than addressing to him, Hank simply laughed alongside him as he used his hands to compress the android’s tender hipbones, occasionally switching to pressing and rubbing into the hollows with his thumbs. The human even took it upon himself to lean into the side of Connor’s neck to nuzzle against the sensitive skin, letting the soft brushes of his beard do the rest. He even started to murmur teasing quips into the ticklish flesh just to drive him mad. “Well, look at this! This android just so happens to be ticklish every-fuckin’-where! I gotta admit, I never thought I’d live to see the day where you laughed so hard, Connor~”
The taunt resonated through the walls of Connor’s mind, joining in with the mental tornado that was a race of a million thoughts, the constant flow of ticklishness running through his systems making it nearly impossible for him to think.
He never experienced anything quite like this. The feelings trickling through his advanced sensors felt so... tingly, to say the least. A part of him wondered how such touches could cause him to burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter when nothing seemed to be even remotely humorous and why he was so tempted to escape.
“Tickle, tickle, tickle, ya big ol’ softie!~ How would you feel about me calling you cute? You’re so adorably ticklish, you’re less of an android and more of a goddamned tickle toy! And what’s this? Your cheeks are even turning blue! I’m guessin’ that’s your equivalent of blushing?”
On cue, the sensations increased ever so slightly upon hearing the man’s playful gibes being spoken close to his ears, both factors causing the cerulean glow in his cheeks to develop a sparsely darker burnish, if that was even possible at this point.
And yet, while these attacks were close to being classified as unbearable, they were not entirely unpleasant. If anything, Connor thought he was actually enjoying himself. He felt that very warm, fuzzy feeling flourishing throughout his entire stomach - the kind that made him feel... happy. He was happy to undergo something so innocent and merry. He felt no fear, stress, or danger - just the safeness that radiated from the man’s close presence. He could swear that he felt the strength in their relationship growing stronger with each and every second throughout this experience. They were really bonding. Despite being unable to see it in Hank’s face, as it was wedged into his neck, he could tell that the lieutenant was intoxicated with great joy as well.
He needed this. They both needed this. After everything they went through, they have earned their right to a moment of unwinding and playful recreation.
Soon, Connor ceased his struggles to escape and permitted himself to sink into the couch, accepting every last attack that came his way with graciousness and gladness. He simply let himself go and laughed his little nonexistent heart out, which, in all honesty, felt absolutely wonderful. “Heheheheheee! Ahahahahaaaa!” A high-pitched squeal tore through his throat when a sudden tremor-like sensation rippled across the scruff of his neck accompanied by the sound of a flatulence. What was the action when one pursed their lips against another’s skin and blew against it? A raspberry, was it? Yes, it had to be, a gentle one, at that. “W-Whahahat- Geeeheheheehee!”
Hank soon found himself laughing along with his companion, finding his silly laughter to be quite contagious. “Aww, who’s a ticklwish wittle prototype?~ Who can’t take an itty-bitty little raspberry?~ Huh?~ I think it’s you!~” Taking another quick breath, he plunged back into the left of his neck, just below his ear, and attacked the skin with another small, gentle raspberry.
Another tiny shriek came forth from the bubbling depths of the immensely flushing android’s core. “Eeeheheheheeek! Nahahaha! I-I cahahan’t tahahahake ihihit! Pleheheease! Dahahahahaaad!” He wheezed out before he could even stop himself.
The old man put an abrupt end to his playful onslaught, not daring to make any sudden moves in his newfound frozen state. After a slow matter of seconds, however, he retracted his hands and carefully rose himself into an upright sitting position, a shocked daze present on his withered facial features. He simply sat there and watched the detective android - who had slumped against the couch cushions in a fit of residual giggles, which gradually faded away along with his blueberry-hued blush and the ghost-like ticklishness trickling through his sensors, his eyes closed with mirthful wrinkles crinkling at the corners - recover. “...What did you just call me?...” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper, yet audible enough for the younger man to hear.
Quickly overcoming his residual titters, Connor instantly realized his mistake and began to sputer a string of apologies. His LED took on a brilliant gold to convey his regret, jumping to the conclusion that he may have offended the lieutenant. “I-I’m sorry, Hank! I’m so sorry! I had no intention of offending you, i-it was a matter of impulse! I’ll just lea-”
Rather than harshly reprimanding him as he had expected, Hank suddenly grabbed Connor by the wrist and yanked him up into a sitting position before reeling him into his arms for a tight, warm bear hug, “Who the fuck said anything about leaving?”
“W-What...?”
“No way in hell I’m tossin’ my family out on the street, let alone my own son!”
The deep brown irises in Connor’s eyes constricted ever so slightly in a distinguishable stupefaction upon being referred to as the man’s son. “But... Cole is your son...”
“Yeah, he is, and so are you.”
“But we share no biological relation. We... are nowhere near qualified to be considered as a family.”
“Connor...” Hank let out a long sigh before placing a hand on the android’s stiff back, rubbing his palm along the lean muscles. “There’s more to a family as far as genetics. A family is made up of people who trust, care for or about, and love each other. It doesn’t matter what background you come from. It doesn’t even matter what species you are. For example, Sumo is part of this family, even though he’s a dog. Our blood may be a different color, but it doesn’t make you anything less than part of my family, Connor. It’s not gonna stop me from calling you my son. And when I say that you’re staying here, you’re. Staying. Here. You got that?”
Connor opened his mouth to speak, but weak stammers tensed through his parted lips instead of actual words. His usually perfect vision began to cloud, and a thin trail of moisture slowly ran down his cheek before he even realized it.
Hank craned his neck to steal a glance at the android’s dampening face, immediately fixing his attention to the freely descending tears. “Connor, you’re... you’re crying.”
The deviant raised a hand to scoop a tiny, miniscule amount of his artificial discharge onto his pointer finger, examining it. “Crying is... an effect caused by experiencing sadness, yet I feel so... happy. W-Why...?”
Hank smiled warmly and gently brushed his thumb over the fresh tearstains, wiping them away. “Sometimes, when humans feel extensively happy, they tend to do that because that’s how they react to that overwhelming feeling.”
“Y-You mean like how I feel this... fuzzy feeling in my chest that makes my thirium pump - or heart, as you might call it - swell to a point where it feels as if it were going to explode?”
The lieutenant nodded. “Yeah, something like that.”
With the biggest smile on his face, along with the steadily flowing artificial tears, Connor proceeded to encircle his arms around his waist to return the man’s warm embrace with one of his own, burrowing his runny face into his shoulder. “I-It feels... absolutely wonderful.” The amber in his LED converted to a joyous cyan.
“I know, kid,” Hank spoke softly, reaching up to light ruffle his already disheveled hair. He paid absolutely no mind to the fact that his sleeve was gradually saturated in the deviant’s discharge - he needed to wash this hoodie, anyway. “I know.”
“Hank... would you... mind if I called you ‘dad’ more often?” The android asked, his voice quiet and his tone somewhat shy.
“Not at all.”
“Thank you, Hank... for everything.”
Hank, in response, patted his android of a son on the back, the wide smile never withering away, nor faltering. “Welcome home, son. Welcome home.”
Connor pulled back to wipe his tears away and offered his makeshift father a smile that had nearly split his face in two, genuinely happy. He dared to make no hesitation in the next following words that passed his lips before leaning back into the human’s embrace:
“Thank you... Dad.”
#dbh#detroit become human#dbh connor#dbh hank#dad!hank#deviant connor#dbh sumo#ticklish!connor#connor's first day in his new home#it's precious#connor doesn't know what tickling or being ticklish is#hank finds out#and of course he takes advantage of it#post pacifist ending#platonic#not shipped#set after reunion#they deserve all the happiness#rose writes#dbh tickles#it's a long one#but it's totally worth it#oh and connor calls him dad#also 8187 words what up
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Hold My Hand: John Wick & Reader Chapter 16
warnings: nsfw
You barely make it in the door before Tess is running down the stairs and pulling you into a hug, “I was so worried about you, please don’t do that again!”
You start to laugh, “Where the hell did you think I went?”
“A brick had just been thrown through our window, you could have been taken for all I knew.” she grabs your arm and pulls you over to the couch, “Tell me everything. Did you talk? Did you sleep with him?” Tess eyes you as you wince when you sit down. “Oh! That’s a yes. So, you’re obviously back together then?”
“Oh…my god.” you cover your face with your hand as you turn red.
“You’re okay!” April comes rushing from her room and jumps over the couch, landing in between you and Tess. “Did you talk to him?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“And?” she pokes your arm, “Details, come on.”
Your eyes grow wide and you start laughing, “Fine. We talked, he told me everything…” you look over at the girls and they’re just staring at you. “You just want to know if we had sex, don’t you?”
Tess gestures to your legs and laughs, “Oh, I know you did.”
You sigh and look down at your hands in your lap, “It’s going to sound really unbelievable. He’s…an assassin. I know it sounds like weird TV show or something. He’s not bad. Don’t be scared of him.” you speak so fast, you almost choke and have to catch your breath.
You watch your friends as they take in the information and are surprised by their reactions. April is smiling and Tess is fanning herself.
“That’s hot, actually.” Tess starts to laugh.
“So, that’s all he was hiding from you?” April asks as she repositions herself on the couch.
“Being an assassin isn’t enough?” Tess snorts.
“He was married.” you get up and grab Bleu’s extra bowls from under the sink and begin filling them with food and water.
“What?” April jumps up from the couch.
“Yup, for like 5 years, but…” you place Bleu’s bowls on the floor and sigh, She passed away.”
“Oh, my god, poor John. That’s awful. I feel so bad for him.” April lifts herself up to sit on the counter. “I’m happy he has you now.”
“Me, too. He must really love you if he told you all this.” Tess pats you on the back and laughs.
You bite your lip to stop yourself from smiling, “Yeah, he must.”
The door opens and Jimmy walks in with a bag of clothes, “Hey! You’re back!”
You walk over and hug him, “Thank you for telling me where he was.”
“Is everything good?” he pulls back and looks concerned.
“Everything is great.” you smile and hug him again, “But I’m exhausted, so I’m gonna head to bed.”
Tess looks at you, giving you exaggerated wink. You call Bleu and head up to your room for a shower. When you hop out, you see your phone light up with a text message from John wishing you a goodnight, and you fall asleep that night clinging to your phone, waiting for his next call.
__
Unexpectedly, the next week passes quickly. You’ve taken some of Tess’ shifts so she can spend time with Jimmy, your way of thanking of him for telling you where John was staying.
John hasn’t called much and you figure it’s only because he likes to keep his head down until he’s done with work. It’s day eight and after getting almost no sleep; you have Tess and Jimmy to thank for that, you finally decide to stay at John’s house.
It’s nearly seven PM and you pull up in front of the grocery store, quickly walk inside and grab a cart. Filling the cart to the top with things you probably don’t need, you head toward the coffee when your cart collides with a man causing him to drop his basket.
“I’m so sorry!” you lean down and help him place his items back in his basket. You freeze in place when your eyes meet, “M-Matt? Hi, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.”
He stands up straight and fixes his tie, “Clearly.”
You move behind the cart instinctively to keep the distance, “How have you been?”
“Fine.” his reply is short and he seems upset, “How have you been?”
“Um, good. Yeah, I’ve been good. Just working a lot.” you lean against the cart and he looks down, seeing men’s razors and dog food.
“Back together with John?” he picks up the razors and shakes it in his hand before throwing it back in the cart.
You slowly nod your head, “Yeah.”
“Good! That’s good to hear. I’ll see you around.” he leans forward and quickly kisses your cheek.
When he gets around the corner, you use your sleeve to wipe off your cheek, turning it red from scrubbing so hard, “Ew.”
You finish your shopping, reluctantly paying with John’s card and pack the bags into the back seat of your car.
“Oh, no.” you feel a drop of rain fall on your face and look up, “No, no, no, no. Fuck.”
You look around and an older woman waves you over, asking for your cart. You quickly hand it to her and hop it your car and speed back to John’s house as the rain starts to pour down on your car.
“This is not good.”
Forgetting the groceries, you jump out of the car and run through the house to the back patio of John’s house.
“Nooo.” you look out the window and see Bleu covered in mud as he hops and rolls in the puddles forming in the yard. You put your head and in your hands and begin laughing. When you open the door, Bleu looks up, wags his tail and starts running towards you.
“Bleu, no!” you put your hands out to stop him and he jumps up, planting two large paw prints on your chest. He stretches up licking your face and leaves mud on your cheek.
“Why?” you start to whine and scoot him back outside as you close the door.
You look down at the floors and almost have a heart attack at the thought of him trailing mud all over them. You open the door and try your best to collect him in your arms.
“You’re too big, how am I supposed to do this?” you look at Bleu, waiting for him to respond. “God, I wish John was here.”
At the sound of his name Bleu’s ear perk up and he tilts his head.
“I know you miss him, I do too.” you sigh and lean down to scratch his head. “Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m giving you a bath.”
You open the door further and get a tight grip on Bleu’s collar and lead him into the bathroom. He reluctantly jumps into the tub and sits.
“Okay, so...stay.” you put your hands out to keep him in place and slowly back out of the bathroom, keeping your eyes on him to make sure he doesn’t jump out.
You open the linen closet and find the dog shampoo tucked away in the back and laugh when you see a shower cap. You head back to the bathroom to see Bleu still sitting in the tub and his tail drums against it when he sees you.
Removing the shower head from it’s holder on the wall, you turn on the water and adjust it so it’s just right and begin spraying down the dog and pour the shampoo on him. You hear your phone ringing from the kitchen and quickly get up to answer it.
John.
You start laughing when you remember that John has no idea how to FaceTime so he must have asked for help, which warms your heart. You bring your phone back into the bathroom and quickly fix your hair in the mirror and kick yourself for not wearing makeup, but you know John won’t care.
“Hi, baby!” you wave and smile big.
John is sitting at a table and his phone is leaning against something as he eats. He swallows quickly and waves back.
“Hi beautiful!” he leans closer to his phone and points to his cheek, “What’s on your face?”
You turn around to look in the mirror and see mud smeared across your left cheek, “Well someone,” you look over at Bleu who is still in the tub, licking the water coming out of the shower head. “Was outside while it was raining. Hold on.”
You place your phone down on the counter and John listens closely as you talk to Bleu. You grab your phone and swap the camera so it’s on Bleu. He has a shower cap on his head and his squeaky duck toy in his mouth. As soon as John sees him, he starts to laugh.
“Hey, buddy.” John’s voice is light and happy, and Bleu drops the duck and stands up, wagging his tail. “Are you being a good boy?”
Bleu starts to whimper and barks when he sees John.
You flip the camera so it’s back on you and squeeze your eyes shut as Bleu shakes his body, ridding himself of the water.
“He misses his daddy.” a smirk grows on your face and you lick your lips, “I do too.”
John lets out a laugh and shakes his head, “I miss you, too.”
Bleu barks again and jumps out of the tub, running into the living room. “Bleu, no!” you throw your phone down and practically tackle him with a towel and dry him off.
You grab your phone and quickly head to the kitchen. You prop your phone up against the bowl of fruit on the counter and start drying yourself off with a dish towel you find on the counter. “How are you?”
“Good. Almost done. Shouldn’t even take me more than 3 days.” he takes a big bite of his food and leans back in his chair as he chews, “What have you been up to?”
“I went grocery shop-- shit! I left everything in the car. I’m sorry I want to talk, I do! But all the bags are still in the car. I know it’s late there, can you call me tomorrow?” you put your hands over your face and rest your elbows on the counter. You feel yourself melting when you hear him laughing and you peek through your fingers.
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll call you tomorrow and you can tell me all about your week.”
You pout and rest your head on your hands, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.” he kisses his hand and waves to you.
“I love you, too. Bye.” you hang up and sigh, seeing him only made you miss him more.
The house falls quiet and you hear the rain hitting the window. Bleu walks over to his bowl and starts whimpering for food which prompts you to get the bags from the car.
After putting everything away, you grab a book from the shelf and lay on the couch with Bleu at your feet and turn on the TV to catch the weather. You scoot down on the couch and wrap yourself in a blanket, your eyes grow heavy from exhaustion and eventually flicker shut.
__
Your alarm comes in the form of Bleu’s barks, and you quickly sit up straight and rub your eyes. You check the time and are surprised you slept almost 9 hours.
“I’m so sorry!” you jump up quickly and Bleu runs to the front yard to relieve himself.
You head up to John’s room and walk over to his closet, reaching out to grab a white button up off the hanger. You pull it over your clothes and your eyes widen when you get an idea. Quickly, you grab your bag that you packed and pull out the lacy bra and underwear you tucked away in case John came home early.
You strip down and put them on and button up his shirt, stopping right when it gets to your breasts. You walk over to the mirror and quickly apply a thin layer of make-up and play with your hair a little. You position yourself on his bed and grab your phone from the side table. You move the shirt a little to reveal your breast and bra, letting your hand travel under the waistband of your underwear and snap of quick picture. You pull back your bra to reveal your nipple and snap another.
You quickly send them with the caption: In your bed and missing you.
You smirk knowing he’ll be thinking about it all day, but your smile fades when you remember how dangerous his job is and you start to worry. You bit your lip and flop down on the bed.
“What did you do?” you check the time and hop into the shower before locking the house and heading to work.
__
It’s your lunch break and you still haven’t heard from John. You sit in the lounge and pull back the plastic wrap of the sandwich you bought at the gas station on the corner.
“Hey.”
You look up and take a bite of your sandwich when Tess walks in, “Hi.”
She sits down next to you and pulls out her lunch box, “What’s up?”
You look down and start playing with your food, “I sent sexy pictures to John.”
Tess’ jaw is on the floor and she’s staring at you.
“Who are you?” she starts to laugh and takes a bite of her food.
“He didn’t respond.” you rest your head in your hands, suddenly not feeling hungry.
Tess starts talking with her mouth full and puts up her finger. “Give me a minute.”
You watch her as she chews her food and swallows quickly.
“What kind of sexy pictures?”
“There’s different kinds?” you run your fingers through your hair quickly and start to pick at your nails; a nervous habit. “I just put on one of his shirts and like…laid on his bed.”
Tess starts laughing and pats your cheek, “You’re so adorable.”
“I mean…I had my hand in my underwear.” your voice is quiet and Tess almost chokes on her water.
“Holy shit! And he didn’t respond?”
“No, I don’t know what to do.” your voice cracks and you almost cry at the thought of him ignoring you. You grab your phone from your bag and are surprised to see you have a new text. “Oh, my god, he replied.”
Tess leans over to look then closes her eyes quickly, “Wait, did he send a picture back?”
You look up at her as she peeks through one eye -- trying to get a look. Your hands start to shake and nervousness sets in, “I’m scared to open it. What if he’s mad?”
“You really think John could ever be mad at you?” Tess looks at you like you’re dumb and you laugh a little.
You open the text message and carefully look over the words: We need to talk tonight.
You throw your phone back in your bag and tears prick your eyes.
“What?” Tess leans closer.
You take a deep breath and sigh, “He said we need to talk.” you lay your head down on the table and try to get your breathing under control.
“Maybe he needs more time to…” Tess scrunches up her face, trying to find the right words. “kill people?” You sit up and give her a dirty look. “Assassinate. Is that better?”
You shake your head and throw your food into the garbage, “I’m going back to work. I need a distraction.”
A distraction is what you needed, but you didn’t find it. You worried all day and when it was closing time, you checked your phone and read his text again. You sigh and type out a response: I’m on my way home. Call me in a bit.
You pull into his driveway and sit in your car for a few minutes before forcing yourself to get out. You go through your regular routine of feeding Bleu, getting food for yourself and you head up to John’s room and wait for him to call. You check the clock and sit back against the headboard of bed and sigh.
Growing more and more nervous, you get up and head to the bathroom. You splash cold water on your face and look in the mirror, giving yourself a pep talk.
“He’s not mad. He’s not. Why would he be? You looked good. Hot, even. He’s not mad.”
You hear your phone ringing and see he wants to FaceTime, and you’re half-tempted to pretend you missed his call.
You answer it and your voice is quiet and you hesitate for a moment, “Hi.”
He’s leaning against his headboard and he’s shirtless. You can see a large bruise across his ribs and you want to reach through the phone and kiss him better. He hasn’t said anything and you start to get nervous.
“Um,” you look away and find it hard to maintain eye contact even through the camera on your phone.
“So, you sent me some pictures.” his voice is gruff and full of sleep.
“John, oh my God. I’m so sorry. I just thought ‘wow I really miss him, I should send him some pictures to let him know that I’ve been thinking about him.’ I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” you lay down on his bed on your stomach and prop your phone up on the pillow. “I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.”
He sits up and positions his phone on the side table, scooting to the edge of his bed in just his boxers. When he shifts a little, you see the street lights from behind him. He hasn’t told you where he is, but with the time difference, you’ve figured he’s somewhere in Europe.
“John…can you say something?” you bite your nail and watch him as he shifts on the bed and removes his boxers. “John!”
“I enjoyed those pictures. Been thinking about you all day.” he starts to smirk and you hide your face in the blanket. When you look up, you see him stroking himself and he moans, “In that bra. In my shirt. Look how hard I am for you.”
You feel a wetness growing in your underwear as you watch him and you feel a sense of satisfaction that you’re miles away, but still have such an affect on him. You sit up and pull your shirt over your head and he scoots closer to his phone. You suck on your fingers and he watches closely as your hand travels into your underwear.
“Take them off.” he demands and you gladly sit back, ripping your underwear off quickly.
You begin stroking yourself and you move closer to your phone so he can get a better look. You ground down on your finger and insert another one as a moan escapes your lips. “Fuck, John. I miss you.”
He groans and tries to keep his eyes open to watch you, “I’ll be home…” he stops talking and lets out another moan when he sees how wet you are. “I’ll be home soon.”
You rub circles over your clit and feel a tightness in your stomach and John begins stroking himself faster. You lean close to your phone and whisper just loud enough for him to hear you.
“I know you’re miles away baby, but I want you to come with me.” you bit your lip and he smiles as he strokes himself faster.
“Fuck.” his voice is quiet and he closes his eyes.
You stroke yourself and insert your fingers again, letting out a loud moan when you watch John come in his hand. He quickly gets up and you see a light turn on. After a few moments, he grabs his boxers off the floor and pulls them back on. You get under the blankets and John takes you on a virtual tour of his room.
“This is the bathroom, it’s pretty nice. This is the bed, comfy…” he flips the camera to face him and he leans in closer to the phone, “Would be better if you were here though.”
You feel your nose burn as tear fill your eyes and you inhale deeply, trying to get the tears down.
He walks over to the window and opens the door to the balcony, “This is my favorite part.” he turns the phone and you see a large water fountain with statues all lit up with lights, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
You quickly wipe away a tear from your cheek and sniffle, “It is.”
He lays down on his bed and hold his phone up, “I miss you.”
You nod your head and smile as another tear slips out, “I miss you, too.”
“Are you okay?” he sits up, concerned.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” you wipe your tears against the pillow and sigh, “I wish I could be with you right now though. I don’t want to rush you, I just want to be in your arms.”
“I’ll be home before you know it. And I’ll hold you as long as you want.” his voice is soft and velvety. “You should get some sleep now. I love you.” he brings the camera to his lips and presses a kiss to it.
“I love you, too. Bye.” you hang up and throw your phone down on the bed and groan.
You call out to Bleu and hear his nails click against the floor as he makes his way into John’s room. He lays down by your feet and falls asleep quickly.
You snuggle closer to John’s pillow and inhale his scent. You swallow hard to keep the tears from falling down and succeed. Trying your best to fight the sleep, you lose as your eyes grow heavy and you slip into a deep sleep clinging to John’s pillow.
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Silver Lining - Chapter 1
If you’re ever gonna find a silver lining, it’s gotta be a cloudy day
A ClydexReader fanfic
Word Count: 1,216
Warnings: none
Silver Lining Masterlist
@oh-adam
Clyde Logan watched the car pull into the lot of Duck Tape from the porch window, the out-of-state license plate declaring its outsider status. It was a Friday, meaning all the locals had come to the bar after work to try and warm up on the cold February night.
The younger patrons were starting off their weekend with tequila shots and the coal miners who were getting off the late shift were coming in for their Jack. Both groups drank the cheap beer he always kept on tap. She wasn't very noticeable as she entered through the front door and passed through the crowded bar. She took a seat at the very end of the counter, away from everyone else.
She had a sweatshirt on, zipped up all the way and with the hood thrown over her head. Her hair was messy and falling over her face. Her eyes avoided meeting anyone’s gaze but it didn't do much to hide how exhausted she looked. She muttered what she wanted when he worked his way down the bar to ask her. Tequila shot, straight up. She ignored the salt shaker and the lime, downing the shot and setting the glass rim down on the counter.
“Vodka on the rocks” she said, a little hoarse. “Please,”
He pours her glass, eyeing her carefully. She’d taken notice of his left hand at this point, or lack thereof. She stared at it for a moment, but clearly thought better of saying anything. He tried to make polite conversation.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you around before,”
“I’m from out of town, I don’t think you would,” she said, still avoiding eye contact.
Clyde set the glass in front of her and she nodded in thanks, reaching for it with her hoodie sleeves pulled to cover all but her fingers. It was clear she didn’t come in looking for conversation. And he had other patrons to attend to, so he went about his work.
The night passed relatively quickly, the older patrons petering out to go home to their families, the younger crowd eventually heading off to whatever bonfire party was being held in the woods that night. By closing time all that was left were the barflies and the mysterious girl at the end of the bar.
He gave a nod to his regular customers, and they closed out their tabs and said their goodnights. The girl hadn’t moved an inch in hours, still nursing the vodka on the rocks, although it was surely watered down by now.
“I’m closing up for the night miss,” he said, noticing how she swished the drink around in her mouth before swallowing. She nodded, brought the glass up to her lips and downed the dregs, sliding it toward him on the counter.
“Can you point me in the direction of the nearest motel?” She asked, voice less hoarse, but thick with fatigue.
“Travel further down 17, the next exit has a Super 8,”
“Thank you,” she said, removing herself from the stool and throwing a few bills down for her drinks. She headed out the door without another word and got in her car. He watched her pull out of the bar’s parking lot and drive away into the cold night.
———————————
It was a few days later when he had heard word of the girl again. His siblings had come to visit him at the bar that night. They were proud of him owning something, doing something, and the free beer didn’t hurt none. His sister, Mellie, worked at a hair salon in town, which meant she always had the week’s gossip to share. A girl they went to school with was pregnant by a married man, a bonfire that weekend almost caught a trailer on fire down in Washington Heights, and a few tweakers had tried to rob the Grocery Castle. It was basically Boone County as usual. His attention wasn’t truly peaked until his sister’s next topic.
“Apparently, theres been a girl around town asking for under the table work,” She said. “Been secretive about where she's from and why she needs the work, but its clear she's from out of town,”
“I think she stopped in here a few nights ago,” Clyde noted. “Did she have a bit of an accent?”
“Yeah, she came in before my shift at the salon and asked for work, and then Loretta from Grocery Castle told me she asked there too. Strange if you ask me,”
“Don’t get too many good people asking those kinds of questions here” His brother, Jimmy, noted.
Clyde heard the door of the bar open but didn’t think to look until he saw his sister’s expression.
“Is that her?” She whispered. He turned around to see her walking up to the bar. Still in the same hoodie, but he could see her face more clearly now.
She still looked tired, but was more put-together. She held herself with more confidence and dared to look him in the eye now. They were a pretty color, if not a little bloodshot.
“I’d like to speak to the owner, please”
“That would be me, what can I help you with?” He says, matching her confident tone. He excused himself from his siblings and walked her to the porch outside.
“I would like to inquire about a job. I’m good with people, I’m a hard worker, and I’m ready for anything,” She said, her gaze unwavering.
“You lookin’ to get paid under the table?” He asked plainly. Her gaze faltered. “Word gets around town fast, miss,”
“I-I would prefer that, yes,”
“It’s a lil suspicious, asking for cash only. We gotta enough trouble here in Boone County and we ain’t lookin’ for more,”
“I’m not here to cause trouble, I’m here to work,” she said firmly, “Just a couple weeks and I’ll be out of your hair. No funny business. No problems,”
He looked at her long and hard. She was trying to stand tall but she was beginning to shiver from the winter air in just her hoodie. Clyde noted that she was wearing the same clothes as the last time he’d seen her. Something was up with her, she was hiding something. But something also told him she needed this.
“You know how to make drinks?” She nodded. “Be here tomorrow, four o’clock,”
It almost didn’t register at first, he guessed she’d been told ‘no’ enough times. Her eyes got big and she smiled.
“Thank you so much I won’t let you down,”
“Now get on home, it’s freezing,”
She nodded and ran back to her car. He heard the car pull out of the lot as went back inside to his siblings.
“Well, what did she want?” Jimmy asked, he had helped himself to another beer in his brother’s absence.
“A job,”
“Did you give her one?” Millie asked.
“I reckon I could use a little help around the bar,” Clyde said simply. His sibling’s silence was all he needed to hear, he knew they didn’t approve.
“Clyde loves his strays,” his sister noted, “Remember when he brought home that dog that followed him home? Begged mama to let him keep it and even made him that collar?”
Jimmy and Mellie shared a laugh while Clyde rolled his eyes.
#logan lucky#clyde logan#clyde logan x reader#clyde logan x oc#clyde logan/ reader#silver lining#happy friday#masterlist
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Prompt: Sam finds out Dean and Cass have been married for years in secret. Dean having the ring on a necklace chain that he hides under his shirt and Cass having the ring in his coat pocket.
Dean is leaning over the Impala’s engine, hands covered in grease and methodically replacing a spark plug, when Sam sees it. It’s just a glint of something silver, but it catches his eye because it seems out of place.
Dean doesn’t wear necklaces, at least not anymore. Even the amulet that he’d once worn religiously now hangs from the Impala’s rear view mirror, Dean claiming that it flies up and hits him in the teeth when he runs. So to see a delicate silver chain hanging on his neck now seems out of place.
Dean leans over further and the chain slips farther out of his collar, tipping out and revealing a gold ring dangling from it.
“What’s that?” Sam finally asks, gesturing toward his own neck. Dean blinks rapidly and glances down at the ring.
“Uh... A ring,” he says, quickly tucking it back and leaving grease stains on the collar of his t-shirt. “One of dad’s old rings.” he adds quickly.
“Why are you wearing that?” Dean can be sentimental at times, but Sam is surprised it’s a ring and not their father’s dog tags.
“Just wanted to wear it.” Dean twists the ratchet with a grunt and straightens up, wiping his hand on the rag flung over the front grill. “Dad’s wedding ring. Figured it would be... nice to wear it.”
Sam frowns; now he knows Dean is lying. Their father’s ring was a tarnished yellow gold. The ring on the chain was a bright and unmarred silver or white gold. Plus, before they had burned their dad’s body, Sam had pocketed the wedding ring himself. It’s currently sitting in his bedside table inside the bunker.
Sam wants to point this all out, but it’s clear from the tension in Dean’s stance that he won’t be pressed to talking, so Sam lets it drop.
The thought stay with him though. Why does Dean have a ring? Why is he wearing it on a chain and not on his hand? Why is he wearing it at all?
The answer comes a few days later.
They are sat around the large table in the main room, researching what might be the cause of a rash on vengeful spirits in a nearby town. Castiel appears in a flutter of wings and an offer to help.
“Of course, Cas,” Dean says. He leans across the table to grab a book, the ring slipping out once more. Sam is turned to one of the book cases, but out of his peripheral vision he sees Castiel reach out and tuck the ring back in. Sam half expects Dean to swat his hand away, but he doesn’t react aside from a smile. Castiel gives the item an affectionate pat and the pieces in Sam’s mind starts to slide into place.
“What is going on with you two?” He spins around to face them. Castiel’s eyes are wide with surprise and Dean’s expression is pulled into a grimace. “Why are you being... touchy?”
“Sam, what the hell are you...”
“He tucked the ring back into your shirt, and you didn’t have one smart ass comment,” Sam argues. “And by the way, why do you have a ring at all? That’s not Dad’s wedding ring. I have that. Whose ring is it?”
“It’s... “ Castiel starting to answer but his eyes dart to Dean in question. “Dean, I know you wanted to be inconspicuous about this, but Sam should know.”
“Know what?” Sam asks, his own expression mirroring his brother’s. Dean gives a resigned nod with a mumbled “yeah, yeah,” and pulling the chain out from his shirt at the same time that Castiel reaches into his pocket and pulls out an identical ring in his open palm.
“What the-?” Sam glances between the two objects. “Are you two engaged?!”
“Married, actually,” Castiel responds. Sam looks to Dean but he can’t meet his eyes.
“You’re married? Like... legally and everything?”
“Well, as legally as we can be,” Dean says. “Same sex marriage may be legal, but it’s still hard to do if one of you doesn’t have a social security number.” Castiel looks reproved by the remark.
“I gave them Jimmy’s,” he say in explanation.
“Yeah, death kind of voids those, though, Cas,” There’s a warm tone in Dean’s voice and he takes Castiel’s hand. Sam would charmed by the scene if he wasn’t so pissed.
“You’re married and you didn’t tell me?” He says. “I live you with you.”
“We didn’t want to make a big deal of it,” Dean offers.
“You didn’t want to make a big deal of it,” Castiel counters.
“I didn’t want to put you at risk,” Dean says. “Loved ones become targets-”
“I told you I can handle the risk-”
“When did this happen?” Sam interrupts. Castiel and Dean stop and look at each other.
“Um... what is it?” Dean scratches at his head. “Four years ago.”
“Four years?!” Sam jumps to his feet. “And you didn’t tell anyone?” There’s a pause that tells Sam he’s not going to like the answer.
“Well, Jodi,” Dean admits. “Because we had to.”
“What? Why?”
“As well as Claire,” Castiel adds, “and most likely Alex and Donna as well.”
“Oh my God,” Sam squeezes the bridge of his nose. “And I assume Chuck and Crowley and Rowena all knew.”
“Well, we didn’t tell them,” Dean argues. “They just found out.” The reassurance falls flat.
“So basically everyone but me knew?” Sam blurts out.
“I’m pretty sure I told Bobby’s ghost as well,” Castiel interjects after another drawn out pause.
“Unbelievable!” Sam shouts, turning on his heal and walking out of the room. Castiel attempts to follow him, but Dean places a hand on his arm, stopping him.
“He’ll get over it, just give him time.” he says.
A week later, Dean finds a large box wrapped in cream colored paper and ribbon sitting on his bead with a card that reads. “You guys suck. Congratulations.”
It’s a rice cooker.
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chapter seven (whole lotta love)
dark, cold, dreary, delicate, morbid, haunting, ethereal, heavy, gritty, spooked, gloomy, sinister, unsettling and filled to the brim with dirty thoughts, our lovely indian and gentleman from denmark have an accompanying infinite playlist (x)
⚠️ Risqué content warning ⚠️
“We'd be so lost, in our mouths, the best, I feel it everyday (every way), You feel so wrong, be alone, if you just follow somebody someday.” -”Soft and Wet”, Prince
The girls had gotten Lars and me several small square shaped cakes, half of them glazed in chocolate and sprinkled with jimmies, and the other half in Swiss meringue. Mrs. Hamilton arrived in time from behind one of those snow plows, the ones covered in a fine layer of plasma to protect the shiny steel from rusting: she handed out a bottle of ginger beer to Lars before she ducked into the kitchen in order to make screaming orgasms for the girls, and a virgin screaming orgasm for me.
Lars himself meanwhile had taken off his coat and lay it on the bench in the nook. As I wait for my drink, I watch him step into the room with bit of a satisfied expression upon his face. He adjusts the hem of his shirt and then the hem of his vest over his full, round waist. His clothes look a little too snug for his body.
I lean back in the chair, again with my hands resting in my thighs and my right leg crossed over my left.
Lizzy sidles over to me with a small black porcelain plate with four of those cakes in question, two chocolate and two meringue. The tattoos on her body flash right before my eyes as she pulls away from my face.
“I hope you’re hungry,” she tells me.
“But of course,” I retort with a smirk. She sets a hand on the right side of my face, and I gaze up into her eyes. She had put on rich mahogany lipstick to better emphasize the full shape of her lips. I’m resisting looking at her chest: the bare skin and her cleavage are hanging right there right before me. No, I can’t, even as she shows me a little smile.
“You’re so sweet,” she says to me in a husky voice. But little does she know, I’m resisting the urge to ask her to stick one of those cakes right into my mouth. “Such a sweetheart. Your drink is coming, big boy.”
She lets go of my face, and strokes around the table, and heads into the kitchen. I pick up one of the chocolate ones but I don’t take a bite. Instead, I turn my head to look at Lars, who’s standing right before Louie with his hands upon his hips. I lick my lips: I’m so thirsty.
But there’s one question I need to ask Lars before he goes any further with her.
I clear my throat but Gwendolyn steps out of the kitchen with a bulbous hurricane glass of what resembles a vanilla milkshake with a cherry on top.
“Virgin screaming orgasm for the birthday boy,” she announces in such big bold fashion; she again has golden stardust embedded in the hair on the top of her head: it glitters under the milky light bathing the whole front room. She’s also wearing red again. I swallow down the tightening sensation inside of my throat because I know how she feels about me.
Lars lets out a little giggle right behind me.
“You’re so—full,” I hear Louie tell him, “so lush and plump—”
I pay no attention to them but instead fix on the drink before me. Gwendolyn looms before me with one hand pressed to her hip.
“I don’t understand you, Joe,” she confesses, leaning closer to my face.
“H-How so?” I sputter out: it’s amazing I can even breathe with such a dry feeling inside my throat.
“Baby, you’re in a strip club. Everyone that walks in through that door is a dirty dog waiting to come out and--”
“And?” I finish in a near gasp.
She leans over the table with her hands on either side of the plate in front of me. Her tongue slithers out of her mouth, and I catch a whiff of her perfume. I feel my bottom lip trembling.
“Drink up, brown eyes,” she commands in a near whisper. I swallow again as I pick up the hurricane glass for a swig of the drink. I’m met with chocolate and coffee and something else, something creamy. It’s like I’m drinking another thing entirely, an entity not from a cold glass but from beneath Gwendolyn’s belt. I set down the glass on the table as she hands me the first of the chocolate cakes. Never taking my gaze off of her, I lean my head forward for a bite. It’s almost delicate.
I take it down in three large bites before she touches my other hand resting on my thigh. I don’t move as she slips forward and onto my lap. She’s straddling me right there in the chair.
“Kiss me,” she pleads to me in a hushed voice. Her fingers glide over my chest to the edge of my collar; for a second, I think she is going to completely rip off my sweater, but she only drops her hand down to my waist. She puckers her lips right before me. I nibble on my bottom lip. “Kiss me, Joe. Kiss me.”
“Get down, honey pie,” I whisper to her; her hands drop even lower, down to the waistband of my jeans. I could feel her undoing the button.
“Get—down—” Her fingers caress down the front of my jeans and follows suit with a light squeeze.
“My goodness... so big and full,” the words leave her lips like a soft breeze, “Mr. Stallion. Just what I expected.”
“I’m so what again?” I recall her remark from last night as the tips of her fingers fondle me: two thin layers of denim and cotton are the only things separating me from a full fledged erection for her.
“Sexy. You’re more than sexy in fact. God, you’re so hot. Mmm—I want you.”
I relax my hips and thighs so as to let her tongue and her hands do the talking. I feel her undo my jeans and stick her fingers down the front of my shorts. She’s handling me, and with nothing more than the flick of her wrist and stroking of her fingers. Meanwhile, her other hand slides up my back to the ends of my hair. I hold her close to me for a second before I reach under her shirt to unhook her bra.
“Fuck shits, you’re such a stud,” she gasps in between kisses. “Mmm—such a naughty, naughty boy—”
I don’t say anything, but rather I caress the smooth surface of the skin on her back, as smooth and gentle as melted butter. Her lips taste like meringue with a hint of ginger from the screaming orgasm she had had before. She breathes harder and faster with every touch of the lips against mine.
“—mmm, hot, sexy Italian boy,” she breathes into my face.
“Italian and Indian, baby girl,” I retort once her bra unhooks and she runs her hand through the hair at the back of my head.
“Mmm—oh, Joey—” Her chest pushes even closer to me. She’s so soft; I’m partially inclined to take off her shirt for her to parade around topless.
“Gwendolyn—” I gasp. She releases her lips so to look at me right in the face. The stardust glitters from the roots of her kinky black hair.
“I--I--” I can hardly think of anything.
“Yes, baby?”
“--I need to ask Lars a question,” is all I can stammer out.
“It can wait, big boy,” she whispers into my face, the lust dancing upon her tongue. Well, she’s not wrong about that: I take a glimpse to my left only to find Lars and Louie had gone into another room down the corridor behind the stairwell. I catch the sound of metal on metal, metal bars creaking over nuts and bolts: it’s a sound that makes me think of all the times I heard a bed frame in my parents’ room, and I make out the sound of a woman breathing heavy. It’s then followed by a broken voice:
“Louie—Louie!”
Oh. Oh God. Don’t tell me—
Gwendolyn sets her hands on either side of my face and shoves her tongue deep into my mouth. Oh. Oh God. Okay, this is nice.
I close my eyes and hold her close to me, although I want her to reach down my jeans again. But I never say anything to her about it. I can’t. She has her hands on my slim body and every light touch is enough to make me want more of it.
There’s a splash and a break of glass in the next room.
“Gwen!” Lizzy shouts from the kitchen.
“Gwendolyn!” Mrs. Hamilton follows suit. She lifts her mouth from mine and I gasp for air.
“Yes?” she calls out.
“Come in here and help us!” Lizzy replies. She returns to me for a light pat on the lips and a tap on the nose with her finger.
“Later, big boy,” she whispers into my face, and she climbs off of me and heads into the next room.
My chest is heaving. My heart is pounding. My mouth feels dry and parched, and riddled with the taste of coffee liqueur and hooch. Her perfume is still right up my nose. But I can only wonder what Maya is doing at the moment.
Not Lars: he has his hands full right now from what I can tell by the gasps coming from Louie. I need to see her, the girl upstairs.
I pick up the hurricane glass and the plate of cakes, and bolt out of the room. Careful not to spill, I run up the stairwell to the second floor where I see her, sitting there at the table before the stage. I pant from the feeling, or from running up the stairs. I don’t know.
I take a seat next to her, my chest still heaving as I set down the dish and the glass on the table. Her eyes sweep in my direction: her expression never changes as I struggle to catch my breath.
“Is everything alright?” she asks me in a gentle voice.
“I--I dunno,” I confess.
“What do you mean?”
I take a good look at her and those hazel irises staring back at me. I lift my gaze to better eye that peculiar scar on her forehead: Lars was right, that does look like a surgical scar, right smack in between the matted waves of black hair flowing off of her head and part of the way into her face. Her skin is pale, too pale in fact. One can only imagine how hungry she must be feeling at the moment. I lift myself upright for her to better see me, and then I pick up one of the cakes with meringue and offer it to her.
“No, thank you,” she says, the tone of her voice never changing.
“Are you sure?” I ask her, raising my eyebrows at her.
“Positive. Food nauseates me.” She swallows and I see the muscles in her throat contracting. Gosh, I thought I was thin.
“I have a headache,” she confesses to me.
“You might feel better if you eat something.” But she shakes her head. I stick half of the cake into my mouth for a particularly large bite. As I’m eating it up, my heart calms down and I relax right there in the chair next to her. Mrs. Hamilton, Lizzy, and Gwendolyn’s voices all float up the stairwell: at least the bed stopped creaking. Once I swallow down the bite of cake, I return to her with an idea in mind.
“Would you like to come home with me?” I offer her. “I have a very comfy couch back at my place. I’ll let you use my shower, if you’d like.”
“That’s very kind of you,” she admits, fingering the crease on her forehead. “I must find my sister, though.”
“What’s her name?”
“Candace.”
“Candace?”
“Candace Bradley. But I don’t know how to come in touch with her.”
“I’ll help you find her,” I promise to her. “Besides, I’d rather you come home with me than stay here at a strip joint. As beautiful as this place is--here, let me finish up my cakes and my drink and I’ll fetch Lars...”
I cram the other half of the cake into my mouth, but I take my time with the other two and the rest of the virgin screaming orgasm. I offer the rest of the second chocolate cake but she again refuses. I stick the last half of it right into my mouth when I realize the bed stopped creaking downstairs.
“Joey?” Lars calls out.
“Hm?” I turn my head and reply back with my mouth full.
“Where are you?”
“Uhere.”
“Come again?”
I swallow down the bite.
“Up here!”
There’s a pause, and then I catch the view of the disheveled hair upon the crown of his head. He’s fixing the buttons on his vest as he enters our view.
“There you are,” he greets me, “I was just about to ask you if I could take you back to your place given there’s so much snow outside--” He stops.
“What?” I turn my head to look at Maya, who’s shrinking down in her seat at the sight of him like a timid cat.
“What’s wrong?” I gape at her and then return to Lars, who knits his eyebrows together at her.
“What’s wrong?” I ask again.
“Is--everything alright?” he follows up, reluctant.
“It’s just Lars. He’s not going to hurt you. I promise.”
“Yeah. I’m just going to use my arrowhead here and--” She gasps and follows it up with a whimper. I nibble on my bottom lip as I climb to my feet. I lift her up out of the chair and hold her against my chest. She whimpers in her throat like a wounded animal. Lars holds onto the arrowhead pendant with a hurt look upon his face.
“Look,” he points at the pendant with his eyebrows raised and his face soft. “Look--watch me.”
He holds the pendant at the base out from his neck and into the space over the stairwell. He moves it in a horizontal direction, followed by vertically and then in a circle. It’s as if a thin veil of lace emerged out of thin air right before him, one covering a black hole that grows wide enough for him to step through, but not big enough for me.
“Follow me,” I coax her. I let go of her and take a step for the lacy veil over the gaping darkness above the stairs.
“So I just get in?” I ask him.
“Yeah, just put your hands in first, and then bow your head,” he advises, “the holes are always just big enough for me, but since you’re taller, you might want to duck. You’re thin enough, too, so you don’t have to suck in your gut like me.”
“Okay.”
I breathe in deep before pushing in through the veil and bowing into the hole. It’s like someone’s pressing on my head and my hips with a heavy sledgehammer. I wriggle my way inside: this time he’s wrong, I do have to suck in my stomach. Total darkness surrounds me: it’s like burrowing through an underground tunnel. I feel something wet on my back, and then on my hips and thighs. The hole is filling with water to carry me. Or so I think.
I hold my breath given the water in the wormhole smells of something rancid, but I crawl my way through the hole and land onto hard ground, on my back. I open my eyes to the thin sliver of gray sky over me. I blink several times and I recognize the awning over my front step. I’m home!
There’s a thud on the floor next to me and I roll my head over the porch to see Maya laying on her side. She groans inside of her throat.
I hoist myself onto my elbows to look at her meager body, at the tattered dark clothes upon her. At least Lars or Cindy, somebody in Black Orchid managed to take the rope off of her, but I still have another question. She lifts herself up onto her left elbow and stares at the wall next to my front door.
“What in God’s name happened to you,” I wonder aloud.
“God left me for dead in the gutter,” she replies. “But then I was saved by death.”
“Let’s get you inside...”
#after the watershed#now it’s dark#chapter 7#fanfic#fanfiction#thrash metal#heavy metal#heavy metal fanfiction#joey belladonna#lars ulrich#noir au#dark sci-fi#dark 80s#steampunk#writeblr#amwriting#anthrax#metallica#text
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The Egg Dress: a photo rescue story
I am starting a rescue effort. It has nothing to do with dogs, cats, or dolphins caught in tuna nets. I’m not trying to salvage old buildings nor save the environment. I still use plastic straws, people. I admit it.
What I am rescuing is old photos.
I rescue them from garage sales and thrift stores. Old photos that nobody wants. It hurts my heart, that nobody wants them; that these precious portraits held no value at all and so they were given to be sold.
It hurts because these photos are of people and each of these people had a story. A life that mattered. Their lives didn’t cease in importance because they weren’t important to the family member who threw them in a box marked $1.00 each.
And having rescued them, I give them a story. I use their faces as inspiration. I offer a glimpse into a possible life behind the still. I draw back the curtain just a bit and imagine what might their life might have been like.
To be honest, I wrestled with this. After all, I don’t know these people. I wondered if I was dishonoring their memory by assigning to their lives a short story from my imagination. But the more I dug into dusty boxes of unwanted photos, I realized that the real dishonor is found in abandoned photos that end up in dusty boxes.
I honor them by giving them a voice.
So I hope you enjoy this story and the stories to follow, but more than that, I hope you take a good long look at the portraits. Look at their faces. Look into their eyes.
Remember that your family’s history lives on paper.
THE EGG DRESS
At the age of 9, Beatrice was wiser than most adults she knew. Or, at least, that was Beatrice’s opinion. And a girl as smart as she was should certainly be allowed to pick out her own dress to wear for the portrait. Margaret and Trudy got to choose their dresses: Trudy, the navy with white polka dots and Margaret, the soft pink with a million buttons up the front. Steven chose his dark brown suit. To be fair, it was Steven’s only suit and this was probably the last time he would wear it for awhile. Steven would be leaving soon. The Army was going to make him a soldier. “A Private,” her Father had said, which Beatrice found hard to believe, since Steven couldn’t keep anything private, like the truth about Mother’s rose bush that met its death under the wheel of Beatrice’s bike. Steven saw it all. She begged him to keep it a secret; he didn’t. Maybe the Army would change that. Maybe he would return so private that he wouldn’t say anything to anyone ever again.
Her parents didn’t talk a lot about Steven leaving, and when Beatrice brought it up, her mother’s eyes filled with tears and her father just looked at his shoes, as though the words he wanted to say were written in their scuffs and worn leather. Beatrice couldn’t understand why adults didn’t talk about people leaving. It seemed like the time to talk about it was before they left.
Father was able to pick out his own clothes for the portrait, of course, but Father was funny about clothes. Some early mornings, Beatrice would see Father walk in the front door wearing the same clothes he wore the night before. She reasoned he slept in them to save Mother the extra washing, but Beatrice wished he wouldn’t. Father’s eyes were always so red when he came home in the early morning wearing his night-before clothes and Mother would scold him. Beatrice thought it would just be easier if Father put on his pajamas at night like everyone else. Mother sometimes became so angry about it all that she would go in her room and only come out again after Father went in. Beatrice would press her ear hard against the door, but unlike Steven, Mother and Father kept it private. Beatrice was wise enough to know that sleeping in pajamas was really important to Mother. She hoped Father would one day understand that.
As far as Beatrice could tell, little Jimmy was the only one who needed Mother’s help with his cardigan and tie, but Jimmy was only 5. He was practically a baby, unlike Beatrice, who could read almost anything, including Margaret’s dime store novels, sounding out even the big words she didn’t know, like “heaving bosom.” She knew her multiplication tables and long division and that Tokyo was the capital of Japan. Certainly a girl as wise as Beatrice could be trusted to pick out her own clothes, which is why that hot afternoon in April, Beatrice appeared in the living room wearing her wool Christmas dress. It was red, her favorite color, and had tiny snowflakes embroidered on the collar.
Margaret was standing by the window, buttoning her million stupid buttons. She looked up and snorted.
“Bea, why are you wearing your Christmas dress? It’s almost Easter. You look ridiculous.”
Beatrice glared at her. “You got to pick yourclothes. This is what Iwant to wear.”
“Well, nobody really cares whatyouwant to wear. Mother is going to make you change. I mean, really, Bea.” Margaret shook her head, laughed, and resumed her buttoning.
Margaret always thought she was right about everything. Everything. Trudy was much nicer to Beatrice, but then, Trudy was not home as much as Margaret. Beatrice thought that if Margaret had as many friends as Trudy, maybe she’d be nice, too. Maybe she wouldn’t cry in her room as much or mope around the house. She wasn’t always a sourpuss, though. Now and then, Margaret would allow Beatrice to dress up in Margaret’s red patent leather pumps with the white bow in the back. Beatrice liked the clip-clop noise they made as she walked. Margaret was really nice those days.
“Beatrice!” her mother called from down the hall. “In your room now, young lady, and put on the correct dress.”
“Told you,” said Margaret.
Beatrice turned to head for the bedroom. She felt Margaret’s smirk follow her. She rounded the corner and there, on the bed, was the dress her mother chose. Of all the dresses in all the world, Beatrice was convinced that this dress was the ugliest. There had never been nor would ever be an uglier dress. Beatrice didn’t like the color, she didn’t like the scratchy fabric and the oval pattern reminded her of hardboiled eggs cut in half. In fact, she called it The Egg Dress. She disliked it almost as much as she disliked Margaret.
She slipped off her Christmas dress and yanked the Egg Dress over her head. But the Egg Dress had a smaller opening than the Christmas dress and despite Beatrice’s tugging, the dress refused to budge beyond her hair bow. Beatrice couldn’t pull it down or up. She was stuck in the Egg Dress, her arms sticking out the sleeves midway like some sort of escape trick gone wrong.
As she wiggled and hopped around the room, trying to free herself from the dress, Beatrice wondered if this is how she dies. She learned in school that humans need oxygen to breathe and it was hard to breathe with her face pressed up against the fabric. She knew that when she died, she would go to heaven, she wasn’t really afraid of that, but Beatrice became panicked when she realized she’d end up in heaven wearing an awful Egg Dress.
“For crying out loud, Bea.” Margaret’s voice drifted through the fabric. “Let me help you.”
Margaret walked in from the hall, grabbed the dress with both hands and gave it a firm yank downward. Beatrice’s head popped out of the dress like a turtle from its shell. Relief washed over her. She wasn’t going to die but more importantly, she wasn’t gong to be spending eternity in an Egg Dress. She was so thankful, she didn’t even care that it was Margaret who had saved her. That is, until Margaret opened her mouth.
“You fat head. You didn’t unbutton the dress enough. What a crack up you are.”
Margaret put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. Normally, Beatrice would get angry at being called a fat head, but Beatrice’s attention was elsewhere. In her haste to help Beatrice, Margaret had missed the last 4 stupid buttons of her dress. Through the gap, Beatrice could even see Margaret’s slip. The unbuttoned fabric reminded Beatrice of a set of puckered lips, saying, “YOU FORGOT THESE STUPID BUTTONS.”
Beatrice had a decision to make. Beatrice knew that they would all be leaving the house soon. She knew that the walk to the photography studio would take them by Daniel Mulligan’s house. Beatrice knew that Margaret had a crush on Daniel. Beatrice knew that Margaret would be horrified to learn later she walked by Daniel with some of her stupid buttons undone.
Beatrice knew she should tell Margaret.
“Honestly, Bea,” Margaret continued, ‘it’s like you came from the Stupid Farm.” Margaret looked at Beatrice with pity and shook her head.
And that is why 9 year old Beatrice, who was smarter than most adults, and wearing an Egg Dress, kept her mouth shut.
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THAT’S HIGHLY OFFENSIVE: MET GALA 2017
THAT’S HIGHLY OFFENSIVE: MET GALA 2017
Well, well, welcome to the annual skewering of Dummies with Money Pretending They Care About Anything Other Than Themselves AKA the Met Gala 2017 (or as Drew Jordan called it, “a party for relatives of famous people.” I hate most of the people that attended this year, plus my supply of fucks is as depleted as my bank account these days, so the positive reviews are scarce. Cat and I watched the E! red carpet coverage together and tried really hard to care, but it never happened. We were passionate about one thing though: Whoever manned the camera tonight should be fired and exiled to a country where they only photograph people from the shoulders up and then seek treatment for his obvious battle with Parkinson’s. HIGHLY OFFENSIVE. Enjoy!
Giuliana Rancid (who is obviously not at the actual event because she would never be invited to anything other than a Ruby Tuesday’s salad bar ribbon cutting) spent the evening with a bunch of other nobodies in a studio on the west coast and chose to drape her Antz body in the milky exoskeleton of one of her albino brethren.
I hate Katy Perry almost as much as I hate Lena Dunham, so the fact that she has dated my future husband John Mayer is something that whittles away at my black heart daily, and whatever the hell I’m looking at on the red carpet right now just took out another big chunk. I literally cannot, so that’s all.
Lily Collins looks like the Berries ’n’ Cream Starburst guy on his way to a Sophia Coppola sponsored transgender formal.
Kendall Jenner would be 100% perfection if she’d done something different with her hair. Those legs, MY GOD.
Kylie Jenner (as always) looks like Bruce Jenner in a Pretty Woman wig with a Kris Kardashian’s worth of plastic surgery in a girdle and pair of Steve Maddens.
Rose Byrne: The sun’ll come ouuuut tomorrow! Actually, it saw you tonight and decided not to.
Brie Larson looks like the love child of Babette the feather duster and one of my hand bells from middle school church choir in Dorothy Zbornak’s footwear.
Lily James looks like Natalie Portman from Black Swan wrapped in a Swiffer Wet Jet.
Rihanna looks like two Jimmy Dean sausage links wrapped in red licorice, stuffed into a clotted human heart piñata.
Naomi Watts looks more like Nicole Kidman every day. But probably my favorite look of the night.
Celine Dion looks like Jenna Lyons wrapped one of her old, bedazzled J. Crew tees in the Oscar gown she pulled out of Angelina Jolie’s trash can and secured it with the straps from one of the antique electric chairs Billy Bob is afraid of. #teamjolie
Bella Hadid- I don’t love all the weight she’s lost since becoming an ‘it’ girl/I’m insanely jealous, but her look harkens back to the origins of the MET ball aka the OG supermodels and the designers that loved them, so I give her look an A.
GiGi- While I really do appreciate your channeling of Christy Turlington (whether you meant to or not), I can’t say that I fully understand your look tonight. The color is that of a gout ridden tuna, the shape is that of a sushi wrapped tuna, and your panty hose are reminiscent of someone wrapping tuna in seaweed at Hibachi Express. Sanitation grade: C+
Chrissy Teigen looks like she always has: bloated and wild. Her outfit looks like a cotton gin exploded next to a L’eggs factory.
Lupita Nyongo looks like the Toucan Tropicana Barbie and that is all.
Ruby Rose is channeling some ‘She Sells Sea Shells by the Jersey Shore’ shit.
Miranda Kerr looks like a walking, glossy, coral reef, made up by Bobbi Boring Brown, as usual.
Rami Malek went to the Ball as a Twizzler. Or was it a Red Vine? #redvinesfamily
Zendaya: Mac-OW.
Paris Jackson: I have never been so offended by someone. First of all, she has about as much of Michael Jackson’s DNA in her as I do. Secondly, she looks like she put as much effort into her appearance tonight as I did when I dialed Dominos earlier. Also- Express’s formal collection has never looked worse. Also, also, your tattoos rival the mess of ink on a backstreet water rat.
Madonna- I didn’t think I could be more offended by a poseur than Paris Jackson, but again, I’m proven wrong. Her gap-toothed, fake-British bullshit can’t be hidden by all the camo in the world, and certainly not by one hideous dress.
Zoe Kravitz- Big Little Lies made me love her and this outfit does nothing but add to my new obsession. I could do without the sleeve contusions, but I’m obsessed with the rest. Like the finale of BLL, she’s channeling Audrey Hepburn like a boss.
Kate Hudson- Yo ass has looked the same every damn year. This year is the same, just more boring and like you’re trying to channel a Kartrashian aka HIGHLY OFFENSIVE. But also- i love you.
Gwyneth Paltrow looks like she ate Chelsea Handler and borrowed Titus’s pumps.
Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen: Two canoodling Weimaraners.
Lily Rose Depp: I actually love this. All of it. I am ashamed.
Sarah Paulson: And the cockatoo cried ‘Nevermore.’
Cara Delevigne: The Tin Man and The Nanny Named Fran had a baby. And it was ugly.
Rita Ora: Wasn’t it nice of Russell Stover to cater the red carpet?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: If Dorothy Draper, the Jolly Green Giant and a footless grandpa had a baby.
Halle Berry: Barnacles never looked so good.
Reese Witherspoon: Alexis Carrington would be proud. But that ponytail… She’d snatch it off.
Amy Schumer: So you ate Tonya Harding and then stole some kid’s Scarlet Witch cosplay outfit from their Orlando double-wide and threw it over your hamhocks? You belong IN a trash bag, not wrapped in one.
Kim Kartrasashian: An OB tampon at a Renaissance Faire. That is all.
J. Lo- You’re channeling Jennifer North and I love that, but your horse hair ponytail is highly offensive. And I’m not sure I get the color. But I think you and A. Rod make a perfect couple.
Karlie Kloss- Your shiny face is offensive. Stop. Your shoes are on point like a mosquito’s knee. Stop. Your dress is half terrible/half almost there. Stop. Put on a damn necklace. Stop.
Kerry Washington- Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard with a lisp. Also- your lace front is almost as off-putting as Johnny Travolta’s. OFFENSIVE ON ALL COUNTS.
Blake Lively- I don’t know how someone makes golden chain mail with a peacock’s ass attached to it so boring, but you’ve done it. Also- you’ve done the braid/ponytail to death and made me want to follow suit. Death’s, not the hairstyle’s…
Jessica Chastain- Queen EleaBore of Land O’ Lakes called, she says you look melted.
Hailey Baldwin- I don’t know how dressing like a slutty piece of salt water taffy turned state’s surprise witness in a dog collar makes you a top model, but best regards and kindest wishes.
Nicki Minaj looks like Chun Li’s evil twin going to prom in Cleveland, Ohio.
So, Elle Fanning The Chinless Wonder thought tonight’s gala was an audition to be another boring ass Disney princess?
Mandy Moore- I love you more than anything because you are Rapunzel but NO. You are not Anjelica Huston in Addams Family.
Salma Hayek- you are naturally STUNNING and tonight you look OFFENSIVE and like a character from one of my brother’s anime shows. And not in a good way.
Selena Gomez made my eyes roll out of my head, onto the floor, out the door, into the street, and under the tire of Rachel Leigh Cook’s Volkswagen Rabbit.
Emma Roberts looks like a Jennifer Garner drag queen auditioning for the role of Jessica Rabbit in a high school production of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Priyanka Chopra is literally just wearing a trench coat. #carmensandiegoworeitbetter #andwithahat
Kate Bosworth always looks like a creepy Victorian doll with alopecia.
Worst dressed: Daisy Ridley, hands down. She looks like someone sewed fabric from the bargain bin onto one of those built-in-bra pajama dresses from Target and threaded a wonky hula hoop into the bottom. Hideous hair. No jewelry? HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.
BYEEEEEEEE
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