#BECAUSE AS CLASSIC CRIME SINGS YOU CANNOT LOVE SOMEONE YOU NEVER TRIED TO KNOW

[xcharmedxheirsx]

[lcnguor]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: Mik      Age: 26       Contact: IM, discord, smoke signal, whatever.

Character(s) I rp: Nora, Spike. Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Nora, most likely Current Fandom(s): Fandomless Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  pretty much everything I find around and hop on. My language(s): spanish, english.  Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for: modern without supernatural, I do have some fantasy set up but eh. 

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  ask, IM, discord, singing telegram, smoke signals, messeger pidgeos -- whatever dude. I will most likely talk and ramble a lot, I do like plotting and I squeeze my brains out to think in ways to rp with ppl. and I really suck at approaching others. really...

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  Ideas and somewhat more enthusiasm than me. I tend to shy away or feel very much awkward right off the bat if the person approaches me with not much to say or give. And honestly, some people really intimidate me because I am too hard on myself, so giving a bit of a pat on the back makes me relax more. I deal with a lot of anxiety and I know people run away the second I show it. 

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  Mostly when I am doing the talk or coming with ideas or looking generally more interested. It takes effort for me to get on things and actually do stuff but if it’s not the other way around I end up thinking they got bored of me. I am one hell of insecure person. As for what I do, if after many tries of trying to reach another person and end up feeling rejected or ignored, then ... I stop. What’s the point of insisting if the other person would just be awkward or not spare you a word?

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?:  well, I usually ask first what the other thinks or have in mind, if nothing, I either suggest or start brainstorming with the other person. I know some who have dealt with me at first I seem like a dettached person but not having ideas really makes me feel like I have not much right to talk. I want to give yet without impossing or letting it twist my arm. I know for a fact nora’s lore really doesn’t help shit for most things. 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if the thread was meaningful and we were really into it , then I would ask but as for the most, I don’t really bother with it. Sometimes people just lose muse, and even if I was enjoying it, I don’t have the right  to force someone or ask why they stopped. thread dropping is normal, i guess.  - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  whatever they want. telling me or not is up to them, I don’t really mind. RP is not something SUPER serious like it should be just perfect. I try to convice myself of this a lot.

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  either because it was old as fuck, I couldn’t find muse or because it was lost in the void of tumblr’s amazing tracking system. - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  if I do not have some idea of who am i rping with and what they have in mind, then it’s nearly impossible. being purely IC is really uncomfortable and could lead to a lot of misundertandings. - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?:  yeah. mostly yeah -- I mean, I will feel bad, I do have feelings, but I will take it with water. - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES ( but I will feel bad anyways ) / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:  connect with others, ramble a lot about characters, have fun. I’ve been rping since i was 12 ( back then it was not big deal your age apparently ) and having to connect with other people by making these plots and stories and just having a fun time is something that brings me joy. There’s so much that can be done. And exploring my muses with other muses influences is really helpful to fill the holes left due indecisiveness.

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  I wish people joined my lore more. Having muses that could be in the same story department as Nora in particular, would be hella and inspire me more. There is so much I have. Explore nora’s power is also something I want but it’s hard -- it’s very invasive and not many would really like it, feeling it’s meta. For now, I don’t really have other muses and Spike has her little crew outside tumblr.

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore:  umm, it’s hard to think in something in particular. But mostly stuff that collides with nora’s story/character. but there is a lot I am willing to explore.

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: casual starters are my fab. It’s easier to figure out how  to go or stop and think. plotted ones also work. as for what I dislike or cannot work with, things that force my muse to not act how they would? not giving me something solid is hard to handle. 

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  I really like out of the norm muses, something that you see and say /oh , look at that/. Aesthetically, story wise or personality wise, something that goes out the usual troup most would use. I do have a guilty pleasure for opposite to my muse characters --- something that would really show the contrast with one another.

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  Very basic ones? or those who try TOO hard to be special. A character that doesn’t fit in the context they are in, esp. in fandoms. HEAVILY divergent characters that just basically turn them into OCs. I know I sound like a bitch but I am the type who respect canon and the actual author behind the character too much. Also those that I don’t know much about? as in, the fandom never managed to catch my interest or smth in that line.

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  I know where is the line between fiction and reality. And that what your character does it does not reflect as the person you actually are. I am pretty laid back and I understand people’s views and reasoning. idk. I draw a lot if I am super invested ?

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: I am super sporadic and can go from being super active to flat out dead for weeks. my mood swings a lot with the amount of attention I get, as horrible as it sounds. I am very anxious as a person for reasons ( not IRL mostly, just bad experience from previous partners ). I promise a lot but do little? honestly I will just bad mouth myself if I keep writing this.

Do you rp smut?:  YES ( tho mostly on discord ) / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  both? - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  ehhhh, idk -- i don’t do as much to know what I don’t like here.

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO / RELATIVE. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO. Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  the very nature of human relations. I am talking about Nora big time here -- there is a lot to explore in her relations and how she reacts and acts towards someone is very very contextual. How much she fakes, how much she is sincere, how much she struggles or how relaxed can be. force her to show her real self, which is very hazy even for her as a task. Be very poetic deep and also very shallow. I particulary see her as a character that REALLY depends on her relation with the other muse -- but generally speaking for any of my muses: I love to explore them as a pair and as individuals. - What is your smut tag?: the unfamily friendly. ( new tag (?))

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO. - And what kind of ones?: Anything? I am open to anything honestly. As long as it makes sense.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  Anyone who is denying their feelings, are peculiar as an individual or anyone who needs an insight of themselves and the world around them. Nora is a mentor type of character, she is here to be a support and help others explore themselves and learn. Also if you are a minor, she will most likely try to get close to help -- one must protect the good sad kids.

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:  Stubborn, very fixated with things. Who would not open themselves to other perspective without thinking someone is trying to change them. Also she would struggle a heck lot with psychopaths and sociopaths, or anyone that “doesn’t have a face” for her. - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  Curious people, struggling ones, kids in general -- people that are willing to listen to her opinions and try to improve in a positive way. Also those who are quirky in a way. 

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  rabbits, literature, interesting people, the unknown, learning, relationships of all natures.  - What do they desire, is their goal?:  Live long without letting her particularity ruin her -- for her kind nobody makes it past the 50s and she wants that , to conquer her ability and prove that even with something like she is ( they are ), it’s posible to live and be happy. have a family of her own, yeah she is that cheesy. - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  Their actions and the emotions that they are carrying on their back.  - What do they value in a person?:    sincerity, willingness, enthusiasm. - What themes do they like talking about?:  a lot of phylosophic stuff, deep topics -- as well to casual things of life. about people and society. - Which themes bore them?:  excuses and avoidance -- people who are willing to drop everything and give up.

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  the attempt of suicide of her mother. and the successfull suicide of many of her peers. - What could possibly trigger them?:  any sort of threat or violence towards someone who does not asked for it. esp. her peers and family. - What could set them off, enrage them?:  Immoral ones. Those who are willing to stomp on others just to success in their goal. - What could lead to an instant kill?:  is not killing, but touch a hair of her family and you are done. same for her friends and protegees.

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  gorgers, suicide, her tired face. - Is there someone /-thing they love?:   her family and dear ones --- to a fault. rabbits or anything related to it.

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  any way is okay as long as is not threatening. - Where are they usually to find?:  during the night, in the streets -- during the day is either her workplace or her house. maybe a park near her apartment/location if she is feeling stuffy.

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  she is not a good person , she is willing to manipulate people and is constantly trying to impose her morals. but she is also very sensitive even if she doesn’t show it --- Nora does look tired for a reason , and one of them is because she cries a lot . 

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ���

Tagged by:  @skyvar​ Tagging:  @batoushoujo​ , @obtainedloss​ , @lorddiiavolo​ , @evanesense​ , @sunpierce​ , @necrotrigae​ , @maljefe​ , @ethaeria​ , @calpio​ , @veiliisms​

[generallynerdy]

Small Family Business (Erik Lehnsherr X Daughter!Reader)

Summary: You, reader, are the daughter of Erik Lehnsherr, better known as Magneto. You are very close to your father and he loves you immensely, doing anything to protect you and make you happy. Recently, your mutant lover has decided to break things off and join the X-Men rather than stay under the leadership of your father. He says he’s fallen for someone else and doesn’t love you anymore. Let’s just say Magneto isn’t forgiving to those who have made his little girl cry.

Key: (Y/N)-your name

Today’s Playlist: Bust Your Kneecaps (Pomplamoose)

Cast: YOU! Erik Lehnsherr (Magneto), random mutant guy named Jonathan (Johnny), unnamed mutant girl, and Charles Xavier

Warnings: Graphic Descriptions of Death

Status: Complete

��Y/N, liebling?” You hear him knock lightly on the door. Moments later, as you still have not opened the door, he lets himself in slowly, the door creaking. “Y/N? Gehts dir gut?” As he peeks his head around the doorway, he finally sees you.

    You’ve cornered yourself in the back of your room, leaning against the wall and sobbing. Metal spikes have split the ground around you, surrounding you in a circle of them. They continue to grow from the ground as you cry, your powers careening out of your control.

    Your father’s face is unreadable as he frowns. He starts to walk toward you, but you shake your head violently, unable to speak from the immense pressure of your sobs. You throw out your hand in front of you and raise it upward. The spikes grow taller and thicker, almost completely blocking you away from the rest of the room, including your father.

    However, he easily parts the wall of metal between you with a simple flick of the hand. He steps toward you, kneeling just in front of your shaking form. His expression softens. “Y/N.” He holds open his arms just enough that you can reach toward him if you want to.

    You hesitate. He knows you will. You’ve always tried to be strong, just like him, but when it comes to matters of the heart and letting people in, you have always been weak. So, you cave, collapsing in his embrace and sobbing. He strokes your hair as you continue to cry.

    He hugs you tighter, starting to sing an old lullaby he used to when you were younger. As your sobs quiet and you’ve calmed, he speaks. “{He will pay for this.}”

    You are silent. You want hell to rain down on him. At the same time, you once loved him. He told you he loved you. A year later? He wanted out.

    “Y/N, I can’t do this.”

    “Johnny? What do you mean?”

    “We’re criminals! We kill innocent people!”

    “Only humans who don’t respect us!”

    “That’s what your father says, but…”

    “What brought this on, Johnny? You love my father!”

    “...”

    “You followed her didn’t you?”

    “...”

    “You thought because she wanted you to join their side that she might love you?!”

    “...”

    “She just wants to corrupt you, Johnny! And it’s working! I thought you were better than that…”

    “She does love me.”

    “...What?”

    “She loves me, Y/N, and I love her.”

    “But...I- You said-”

    “I’ve changed my mind.” He starts to walk away as he leaves you sobbing.

    “You’ll pay for this, Johnny!” You scream at him as he turns away, as if you had never meant anything to him. “No one walks away from the brotherhood! No one walks away from Erik Lehnsherr or his daughter! No one can stop a Lehnsherr from getting their revenge!”

    “{He has not seen hell yet. No one hurts my Y/N.}”

    “Ich liebe dich, Papa.”

    “Ich auch, liebling.” He murmurs. “Ich auch.”

    He approaches from the brush, fully costumed as he discovers the young man waiting beside a classic forest picnic setup for someone, presumably his new lover. Will the fool never learn? First, he even considers leaving the brotherhood to join Xavier’s ragtag band of ragamuffins. No one turns their back on Magneto. And secondly, he breaks the heart of Magneto’s daughter and leaves her for some, quote, “Goody two shoes, X-Men skank”.

    “Jonathan, is it not?” Erik asks the young man, who turns fearfully.

    Johnny begins to shake, his eyes widening as he realises what he’s done. No Professor Xavier can save him from what he is about to experience.

    “Answer me.” Erik growls.

    Johnny nods, terrified. He starts to back away, tripping over a tree root and crawling backwards as Erik starts to walk toward him. Suddenly, he finds himself against a tree with nowhere else to go.

    Erik smirks evilly, “I do believe you are-were- well acquainted with my daughter, Y/N. It seems you’ve made a grave mistake, young man.”

    Erik leans down until he is inches away from the terrified young man’s face. Johnny is terrified and continues to shake uncontrollably, pressing himself against the tree as hard as he can in desperation. He glances around wildly, but Erik grabs the boy’s chin and turns Johnny to face him.

    His eyes are practically red in fury and he smiles brighter at the thought of what he will do to this boy. “What you call crime, I call….family business. And it seems you’re on the wrong side.”

    Johnny screams bloody murder.

    “Johnny?! Johnny?!” She runs into the forest after the scream, toward where they had planned to meet. As she arrives, she freezes, her heart stopping. Oh God. It’s awful. She screams in terror and disgust as other figures appear behind her.

    There are gasps as the group gazes upon the mutilated form that was once Johnny. The shape he is in cannot even be described.

    Xavier turns most of the group away, though the faint of heart immediately leave with no instruction. Xavier gets closer only to inspect Johnny’s body and discover who has done this. However, down in his gut, he knows exactly who killed the boy.

    The young lovers were fools if they thought they could escape Erik Lehnsherr’s fury, especially when it came to his daughter. Xavier had tried to convince them to wait until Johnny could be protected, but they would not listen.

    Xavier sighs and turns away from the sight. Yet another has fallen prey to Magneto. Xavier was upset at this loss, but was grateful that Erik was unaware of his other two children’s existence. Having one child to protect had already sent Erik on a chain of killings in order for his family’s safety and happiness.

    It’s not like you mind much. You just wish that no one would break your heart in the first place, mostly for your sake, not theirs. If they earn your father’s wrath somehow, they must deserve it.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26/12/2020 (LadBaby, Boris Johnson, Ed Sheeran)

It’s Boxing Day in the UK as I write this and I’m pretty tired but we still have to review those charts regardless, especially this chart as this is the Christmas chart – at least it’s being paraded around as such – and hence we have a Christmas #1. For the third year in a row, family vlogger, pseudo-comedian and amateur musician, not to be confused with DaBaby, Mark Ian Hoyle – more commonly known as “LadBaby”, has bagged the #1 for the holiday season. Every time I’ve covered the Christmas #1 it has been this guy and, yeah, I’m tired of it. At least this year he felt some stiff competition, and hey, the songs’ proceeds do go to charity. Oh, yeah, and this guy is the third act to have three Christmas #1s in a row, putting this nobody from Nottingham with a barebones Wikipedia page and a couple million YouTube subscribers on the level of the Beatles and Spice Girls. God, the UK Singles Chart never fails to amaze me. Anyway, that’s arguably not even the biggest story here so let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As I said before, this is the “Christmas week” so throughout the UK Top 75 there are a lot of holiday songs re-peaking or reaching new peaks, before dropping off entirely the next week. Let’s start as we always do by listing the drop-outs from the chart, of which there are quite a few notable ones. Most of our top 40 debuts from last week are gone, like Taylor Swift’s “champagne problems” and “no body, no crime” featuring HAIM, as well as “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, the late Pop Smoke and Skepta. We can also say goodbye to “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, finally after 54 weeks and a surprise return earlier this month, in addition to other top 10 hits like “you broke me first” by Tate McRae, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio and “What You Know Bout Love” also by Pop Smoke, as well as some more minor hits like “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur, “Golden” by Harry Styles and “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer, but I can see almost all of these rebounding hard next week so I don’t think there’s much to worry about here. For fallers, since Christmas has really consumed everything about this chart this week, we have some big ones that’ll find themselves back in the top 10 or at least top 20 next week like “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19 (the first non-Christmas non-debut song to appear on the chart, by the way), “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #20, “Whoopty” by CJ at #22, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #28, “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI at #31, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus and Dua Lipa at #35 alongside “Midnight Sky” also by Miley at #36, “willow” by Taylor Swift off the debut to #37, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #38 and “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy. We also have “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #43, “Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals at #45, even “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X at #49, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #54, “Loading” by Central Cee at #59, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #60, “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #64, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #66, “Dynamite” by BTS at #67, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #72, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa with the biggest fall down to #73 and finally “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix at #74. To put the dominance of holiday music on the charts in perspective, if we take the songs that are not either explicitly Christmas-related or a clear Christmas #1 campaign (i.e. LadBaby), the song at #38 would be at #10 and our #1 would be “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19. “Whoopty” by CJ, that entered the top 10 last week and dropped to #22 this week, would be at #3. There are 11 songs in the top 40 that never made an effort to take advantage of the holiday season. When we get into some of our debuts, it’ll be even clearer how big Christmas is in British pop music. Anyway, let’s skim through our gains and returning entries, most of which are Christmas or Christmas-related. For returning entries, we have the comically awful “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud at #71, last year’s scam attempt at a Christmas #1, “River” by Ellie Goulding at #69, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by Nat King Cole at #63 (which I’d appreciate more in the top 20 like it is in the US every year – this is a classic), “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders at #62 (again, incredible song that deserves a higher holiday peak each year), “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love at #58, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia at #55, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #53 and for whatever reason, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper at #41. In terms of notable gains – and I stress notable, since a lot of higher-up Christmas songs had small gains but still good performance - we have “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra at #56, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby at #52, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Brett Eldredge and Meghan Trainor at #51, “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #50 (both off of the debut), “Baby it’s Cold Outside” AGAIN by Michael Bublé and Idina Menzel at #47, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #46, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano at #44, “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #42, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” AGAIN by Dean Martin at #39, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #34, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #33, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #32, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #29, “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms at #27, “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #26, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #25, “All You’re Dreaming Of” by Liam Gallagher at #24 (thanks to a Christmas #1 campaign that crashed and failed), “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams at #23, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #21, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #18, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #17, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #15, and finally, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber illegitimately notching a spot in the top 10 at #8. Finally, we can get onto the new arrivals, although something about this next one tells me that we won’t be in line for anything all that good.

NEW ARRIVALS

#70 – “I’ll be Home” – Meghan Trainor

Produced by Meghan Trainor

...for Christmas. She’ll be home for Christmas. I guess she just can’t finish sentences, even though her cover art has the full title. Anyway, this is a 2014 original Christmas song that went nowhere except Sweden. It’s not anything like the Bing Crosby and wasn’t nearly as successful, mostly because it’s a jingly, inoffensive ballad tacked onto a silly Christmas EP that also features Fifth Harmony and Fiona Apple of all people – who probably should have charted her track instead – as well as the deluxe edition of that debut record Title that nobody liked. At least in this, she’s not going for a faux-retro style, or at least one that I can find the inspiration for, and is just singing over this oddly jaunty piano melody – which sounds pretty albeit bland – as well as some swells of strings and acoustic guitar that do work sonically. The content implies that Meghan Trainor is in contact with Santa Claus personally, and that he gave her the advice to be home with her lover this Christmas and... that’s why this charted, isn’t it? Well, it’s not her fault – it’s not a “stuck with u” moment, but it is dodgy that she decided to put this on her own Christmas record that was released in October of this year, which can’t seem unintentional. I’d be lying to say this isn’t a pretty little tune from Trainor and her voice does fit this instrumental, but a jazzy rendition from someone with a deeper, smoother voice, would work wonders with the content. Oh, and that Christmas record features guest appearances from both Earth, Wind & Fire and Seth MacFarlane, as well as her dad, because, you know, sure, 2020.

#65 – “Gnat” – Eminem

Produced by d.a. got that dope

I can’t tell if I’m underestimating Christmas or overestimating Eminem when I say I expected an album bomb – or whatever that equivalent would be in the UK and our land of silly chart rules – from the deluxe edition of his pretty damn terrible album, Music to be Murdered By. This 3/10 trainwreck consists of two hours I’ll never get back of either great beats wasted by Eminem’s corny, stiff flows and painfully unlikeable delivery or obnoxious, unlistenable beats that are dated enough for Eminem to start going on his Relapse “killing women in funny accents” shtick, which was awful then and even worse now when he tries to replicate it. Marshall, you’re 48, and I know that you’re just “messing around” but if you’re going to treat the album as a cinematic masterpiece within the album and its thematic Alfred Hitchcock interludes, you have to understand that the audience will see it as that way as well, so you having fun and being painfully unfunny in the process over cutting-room-floor trap instrumentals cannot slide. At least Kamikaze had some genuine anger and dare I say some actual balls in how it tackled controversy and dissed everyone he could think of off the top of his head. The last record was angry and bitter, this one’s just tired and lazy, and that’s before we get into some of the ugliest bars, instrumentals and cadences Slim Shady’s ever put on record, which is especially present on “Gnat”, a lightweight trap banger with some acoustic guitars not dissimilar to those that would appear on a Lil Baby mixtape, complete with questionable bass mixing and really bad hooks. On the verses, he sends a death threat to Mike Pence, but on the chorus, his bars are “like COVID” because “you get them right off the bat”. I don’t know about you, but in 2020, I don’t want to hear Eminem harmonising with producer tags, making topical and insensitive pandemic references, or spitting sex bars with coughing ad-libs. Before the beat switch, his flows are some of the sloppiest and drawn-out he’s ever used, and yes, I’ll admit, that second beat is a lot better and Em kills it over that instrumental – but only for a brief moment before we have a third beat, which Eminem is pretty great over, especially with that sax and sweet piano keys overlaid with hard 808s and Eminem’s rapid-pace, quick fire flow... and then he raps the chorus again and I want the song to end as quickly as it started – thankfully, it does end rather abruptly. Just wasted potential all throughout – if that beat switch and flow was a guest verse on damn near anyone else’s record (Em has made tracks with Don Toliver of all people, and he could work), this could be great. For now, Em, you know Kris Kristofferson? I think you should Piss Pissofferson. Forever. Look that up, by the way, that’s a lyric on the record because of course it is.

#61 – “In the Bleak Midwinter” – Jamie Cullum

Produced by ???

I had only briefly heard the name “Jamie Cullum” before this, but he is an English jazz-pop singer and pianist who’s basically useless and uninteresting but, hey, at least he has a radio show on BBC Radio 2. Sure, I mean that might have been the reason that Amazon Music picked him up for an exclusive project for which this is the biggest single. It’s not on Spotify, it’s not even on Genius, and it’s barely on YouTube but since it is, I should tell you that this is his first charting single since 2009 and it’s a remarkably uninteresting rendition of a Christmas carol done a lot better by Jacob Collier – and that one’s on Spotify – so yeah, your sleepy piano arrangement and tone that makes you sound like Robbie Williams half the time and Beck the other, doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

#30 – “Afterglow” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by PARISI, Fred Again and Ed Sheeran

If we inexplicably remove everything Christmas-related on the chart, Eminem’s “Gnat” would have debuted at #20, and this new track from Ed Sheeran, already stunted from being released on an unconventional day, would have hit #5. Regardless of chart position, Ed Sheeran’s back with his first solo single since Divide. Yes, I’m purposefully ignoring that collaborative project he put out in 2019 because as far as I know, it doesn’t exist. At the end of the year, when things are looking as if he could start touring again, Sheeran predictably releases his lead-off single. This song in particular is a heartfelt ballad from Ed to his wife, who he wishes to be there forever and even if they aren’t together at any moment, whether he’s touring or they separate for whatever reason, he’ll “hold on to the afterglow”. I won’t lie, it’s a really sweet and convincingly sold love song from Ed, even if it’s not anything new, it does feel like a different approach since he’s a newly-wed man now. Although I’m not a fan of this somewhat muddy mixing that somehow messes up just a guy and his acoustic guitar, making what should be a really pretty, ethereal and mellow track sound almost ugly, which doesn’t flatter Ed and his limited delivery at all, especially when he starts getting multi-tracked in the second verse and whooshing sound effects of strings pop up in the mix, and, yeah, it just sounds cheap and gross at this point, which is really a waste of incredible content and a great performance from Ed, who sells everything as well as he can. I understand how this is supposed to be down to Earth, so a perfect mix wouldn’t make sense, but if you’re going to make him harmonise with his own background vocals and even show signs of belting, give him some more grandiosity and go full out instead of restraining him so that it just sounds jarring. With a different mix this could be one of Ed’s best tracks since the melodies are on point, the song feels really heart-warming and sincere, especially coming from Ed to his wife, but we won’t get a remaster anytime soon, I imagine, so for now this is just pretty damn good. I love the cover art as well, painted by Ed himself, and released alongside the single as a bit of a Christmas gift to fans, as well as the start of what I’m pretty sure will be a promo cycle. If this is a good peek into what that album will sound like, it’s safe to say I’m more than excited than ever to hear from Ed Sheeran.

#5 – “Boris Johnson is a Fricking Jerk” – Kool & the Gang

Produced by ???

Okay, so the song’s calling Boris Johnson something stronger than a “fricking jerk”, and the song is decidedly not by soul legends Kool & the Gang, although I’d love for that to happen sometime. This is a family show, of course, so we have to take some liberties. This track originates from a comedian from Basildon, Essex of all places, and whilst we don’t know his name, the songwriting credit on Spotify is given to contemporary British poet Wayne Clements so maybe he’s behind this, who knows? Whether he is or not, I can tell you the history behind this comedian’s music, as he has been making crude short singles about controversial topics in British society and politics for a while, including some about Nick Clegg that charted, although never higher than #63. He retired in 2016 but after writing an autobiography, the guy’s back and he released a compilation of punk rock tracks, all of which are small and profane, with a “band” of puppets that I also can’t name. State-controlled Russian television networks – because, sure, again, it’s 2020 – say that he will start touring in 2021, mostly because he’s finally reached that mainstream audience with this family-friendly tune about Boris Johnson. Here’s how Vick Hope and Katie Thistleton introduced it live on air during the mid-week chart reveal.

Now at #19, we've got a track about Boris Johnson that has so many bad words in it, we can't play it on daytime Radio 1.

Ah, you cowards. Wait... Anyway, I’m pretty happy that the British public can stick it to Boris and the heartless Tories that follow him and currently rule the country, even if it is all a bloody stupid joke from an anonymous punk rocker. We can dig into Boris for his failures on Brexit, mishandling of the pandemic, disgraceful reality-star-esque personal life, that he wasn’t even born in the UK yet is basically a nationalist, his history of Islamophobic commentary, his crap excuses for journalism back in the 2000s or even his clown-nose, blonde bowl-cut “hair style” he adopts whilst addressing us on live television feeding us lies and misleading statements that turn into retcons the next time he has to address the nation, whether it be on Brexit or COVID-19 tiers and regulations, both of which are a confusing mess to both sides of Europe that exist to drift us away from where we should be going as a nation, and further into the realm of political party tribalism that we know absolutely does not work in the States and that we mock the Yanks for. We’re more than the sick man of Europe, we are the America of Europe. I guess you could say Ireland is our Canada, but we don’t even have a Mexico to make us look better, we just have other western, central and northern European countries that may be flawed but are far ahead of whatever the hell this shell of a union is in 2020, less than 80 years after the creation of our National Health Service. People will look to pundits and newsreaders like Piers Morgan, entertainers like Phillip Schofield, war veterans and charity-givers like Captain Tom Moore, and even politicians like Boris Johnson, as the “heroes” of Britain’s 2020 but it’s increasingly clear that absolutely no-one is a hero, and it’s the people’s right to be upset. Hence, nearly exactly a year after Boris Johnson cheated his way into power by smear campaigns and elitism, we have this song debuting at #5. Unfortunately, the song doesn’t go into any of that. It just repeats the title in an anthemic – and considerably agreeable – refrain that is an undeniable punk hook. The riffs and guitar work here isn’t of any interest, but the guy’s delivery is powerful and furious, so I’ll give the song credit: it’s not just correct but it’s really good, especially for a one minute runtime. He also released some satirical MIDI-level synth-pop remix with gross Christmas sleigh bells and hi-hat skitters, because, say it with me, it’s 2020. I wouldn’t recommend the album though, it overstays its welcome by the time you get to “Jesus Died of a Stranglewank”.

#1 – “Don’t Stop Me Eatin’” – LadBaby

Produced by who cares?

I can’t get mad at this lazy “parody” of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” about sausage rolls, or even its Ronan Keating remix, which is LadBaby doing a favour to Ronan Keating, if anything. Sure, my blood boils with the idea that this incompetent Internet personality from the East Midlands – which I think I’m sadly also able to describe myself as – got the #1 over Mariah Carey, or even that Boris Johnson diss track, but it’s going to the Trussell Trust and it’s ultimately an inoffensive, vaguely happy track that even gets the vegans involved. I, for one, prefer “Boris Johnson is a Sausage Roll”, a version of our #5 you can – and should – play on the radio even after Christmas. I don’t have anything more to say about this guy so piss off, LadBaby, you can’t even get the album cover right to the song you’re parodying, thrice in a row.

Conclusion

Best of the Week is definitely going to the Somethings for “Boris Johnson is a Something Something”, with an Honourable Mention to Ed Sheeran’s “Afterglow”. I can’t bring myself to give a charity single Worst of the Week so I’ll spare LadBaby the honour and grant it to Jamie Cullum for his greedy Amazon exclusive trite, with a Dishonourable Mention for “Gnat” by Eminem, for just being wasted potential all across the board. Next week, everything Christmas-related will be gone and we’ll get a bunch of returns and hopefully some new, interesting returning entries. We might even get the impact of Playboi Carti’s long-anticipated album – and I hope so because it’s fantastic – but that’s wishful thinking. Anyways, I hope everyone had a happy holiday season. Here’s our top 10:

Thank you for reading. You can follow me @cactusinthebank for more rambling about pop music and occasionally politics, and I’ll see you next year.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Sense 8 Recap: “Obligate Mutualisms”

us

A lot of the titles this season are like WHAT. I had to look back at the episode a few times to make sure I was spelling it right and this coming from a Grammar Nazi. Truly, certified. Sieg Spellcheck!

I love that gif. I plan to use it as much as possible. I believe every Nazi should stop murderin’ and xenophobin’ to eat a banana every now and then.

Alrighty then--

--so we ended episode 1 with Will uttering his amazing (and, if you happen to be Whispers, pants-shitting) line--

“You think you’re hunting us? We’re coming for YOU.”

And Whispers himself also concluded the episode looking like someone had stuck some Milk of Magnesia in his coffee. 

Thus, allow us to get to this rather confusigly titled second offering of the season, shall we?

We open up in the interrogation room place. Whispers is there and he doesn’t look pleased. Like, at all. 

However, Will does. In fact, he’s even freshly shaven because he’s been sleeping so well, what with the lack of Whispers haunting his dreams. Will has come to gloat. And he looks like the cat that ate the canary.

And the sensates are all there as well, drinkin’ up. They’re celebrating; they owe it to themselves. All the while, Will is describing the *sad trombone* look on Whispers’ face. 

Will knows he totally has the upper hand here. He’s not at all threatened. And Whispers knows it too. He even tries to do the classic villain-is-fucked tactic by insinuating that he and Will aren’t so different after all.

Will, of course, is having none of it.

Whispers, in his desperation at being cornered, mentions something about how no “sapien” has ever had as much in common with him as Will does. What, does he wanna bro it out now? “A little senorium pride?” Will asks.

Gorski. Will Gorski. 

Will knows Croome is there, hiding behind the mirrored wall in the interrogation room. Just to show he means biznezz, he has Nomi, Neets, and Bug find out that he recently sent his aunt a large get well bouquet. Will tells Whispers to inform Croome he hopes his aunt feels better, which he does. Furthermore, they discover he sent another bouquet to a woman named Rita. His wife’s name is Claire. 

That has Croome bursting into the room, of course. He doesn’t want Claire to find out about Rita, you naughty boy. Will has demands. He wants a meeting with Croome. And sans Whispers/Milt/Matheson/Gibbons. 

Damn, Whispers has a lot of monikers. Why do evil dudes have so many damn names? Can’t they just go by Bob or something to make it easier for us recappers?

“Hi, I’m Bob and I’ll be capturing, killing, and turning you into a zombie today.”

Since Croome cannot see or hear Will, Whispers must play a game of psychic telephone and relay the info. Whispers claims what Will wants is impossible. Nomi fires off a text to Croome.

Complete with emojis.

I guess in this context it wouldn’t make sense. I mean, “We want Gibbons on poop” sounds weird. Hilarious but weird. 

Nomi fired off that text fast, man. IDK about y’all, but when I use emojis and “+” and stuff, I’m fumbling all thumbs.

Anyway, Croome agrees, telling Whispers that he exaggerated his necessity at BPO. Whispers-hype. Some of those creepy hazmat suit guys storm in, inject something into Whispers’ neck, and he’s carted out protesting. He’s gone but it’s only ep 2 so we know he’ll be back.

Meanwhile, our heroes are celebrating with some fun in the sun in Amsterdam. Yet, the lovely, shiny scene contrasts wildly with the realty Sun is in--trapped in a harsh women’s prison in Seoul for a crime she didn’t commit. Laying on the floor in her underwear smiling, her neighbor asks her if she’s dreaming about getting out. Since she cannot explain further without sounding insane, she says yes.

Everyone’s in a good mood after serving Whispers his ass, it seems, including Lito. He comes waltzing into his agency, all smiles, ready to tackle his next project after his last movie flopped. Unfortunately, there is bad news. Lito’s “people” tell him that the offer’s been rescinded due to the enacting of a so-called “morals clause”. 

Gawddang, are people really so iffy about homosexuality in Mexico? So he’s gay! Who cares? 

But now I think...would a renown action star here in the US who just came out of the closet face the same animosity? Maybe not to the extent Lito’s enduring, particularly now with the Diversity Revolution and the Woke Generation, but...yeah, I can see situations like this one arising. Quite a few of them.

In San Fran, Nomi is shaving her legs while Neets is doing her lashes and Nomi suggests a night out to “feel normal again” while in Seoul a bunch of guards burst in to the prisoner’s sleeping cell place and take Sun. She appears before Nomi, who is dressed to the nines to go out, and begs for help.

This ain’t good.

Yeah, apparently those guards aren’t even from that prison.

This is BAD, you guys.

So, instead of going out, the three hackateers break into the Seoul Women’s Correctional Facility’s computer system to get eyes on Sun. But right when she and the non-guards are about to enter this weird room, the camera goes dark. 

Nomi screams at her NOT to enter that damn room at all costs.’

I said this when I was live-tweeting (sorta, as you can’t really live-tweet binge-watching) this episode. Sun was a Potential Slayer activated when Willow did her scythe-y spell. 

But they taze her, and when they do, all of the Amazing 8 feel it. She’s escorted into this room where a noose waits to suffocate her to death and, in the ensuing scuffle, it briefly manages to do so, almost killing her as well as the rest of the sensates, until her friend from the cell, the one who killed her abusive husband, stabs one of the non-guards.

When Sun thanks her, she gets one of the best lines of the episode, explaining that when they took her, she saw the same look in their eyes as that in her bastard husband’s.

Sun replies, “No, they won’t.” You bet your ass.

Never underestimate the power of a pissed off woman.

With Will’s help, Sun easily frees herself of the handcuffs. And Bug’s gonna hack into the prison security system. He’s gonna make it sing “Born Free”.

I *really* wanted to use a GIF of the snakes from the “Whacking Day” Simpsons episode slithering off into the sunset here but I couldn’t find one that loaded correctly on tumblr *grumblegrumbletoilandtrouble* so this will have to suffice.

So Sun and her friend sneak out, Sun knocking out any guards along the way. The only vehicle in the lot is a bus, which makes Capheus giddy. I like Giddy!Capheus. Our resident criminal, Wolfie, steps in to hotwire the thing, and they’re off. 

At the intercom, Lito uses his acting abilities to help Sun get the fuck outta Dodge.

Lito is a good liar. I guess it’s a must for an actor. I admire that. I’m also a good liar. Thinking on your toes and all that. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I care to admit to. 

I really cannot believe there’s an intercom. Do all prisons have intercoms? It almost looks like a drive-thru. “Yes, I’ll have the #2 combo meal with the medium Coke. And an apple pie. Also, tell the warden I’ve got the Midtown Murderer in the trunk.”

It works. They’re free!

Too bad computers and hackers weren’t really a thing back then. 

My German Hottie Wolfie and Will point out that they’re only free in the very narrow sense. It won’t be long until the cops discover the breakout. Soon, barricades will be set up all over Seoul. Helicopters will be on their asses. 

I think it helps muchly that, inside this particular cluster, we have both a former cop and thief. Two perspectives on how to approach a situation like this. 

So they ditch the bus and go car “shopping” in a nearby lot. Again, with the help of Wolfgang, Sun breaks into some less obvious vehicle and the other lady--I keep forgetting her name--wonders aloud how the hell a banker’s daughter knows how to be a car thief. Sun answers “other lives”. 

While they’re all arguing over where the hell to go, Other Lady Whose Name I Forget tells Sun that she has a friend in the area, one she trusts with her dang life.

Cut to--

--and Felix. They’re just coming out of an elevator in some fancy-schmancy building in Berlin. They’re to sign some papers for club ownership. From one Sebastian Fuchs.

Yeah, I’m gonna gigglesnort every time I have to type up that surname, I’m sorry. In my head, I keep mispronouncing it FUCKS. 

Finding the correct “look at all the fucks I give” GIF--I originally had two others, but neither would load correctly so I literally have three GIFs saved on my laptop labeled “fucks″, “fucks2″, and “fucks3″.

I hope my brother doesn’t go sneaking on my computer searching for porn. He’ll be vastly disappointed. 

Sebastian invites them in, where he pauses his FAFSA game. He owns a couple players in the league, which, to me, sounds kinda...slave-y. He’s interested in talent, not teams, which is why he’s intrigued by Wolfgang. They have a beer, and he introduces his “extraordinary right hand”.

Meet the right hand:

Aaaaaaaaand Wolfie’s reaction to said right hand:

Look, the guy may be in love with Kala, but he’s still, you know, a *guy*. 

Sebastian introduces her as Lila Facchini, from Naples. Felix is obviously thunderstruck even further when he discovers her Italian heritage. The Germans and Italians were allies in WWII, but only because of Mussolini, and after Italy surrendered to the Allies, Italy was officially declared “conquered” by Germany. At least until they were pushed back outta there. So while there was HELLA resistance among the Italian peoples against the Germans during WWII, they couldn’t resist a purdy Italian lady. Nor could a purdy Italian lady resist a strong, hot German man in uniform. Not that I can blame her. I’m Jewish and I’d be like “Yeah, k, I surrender. Just kiss me already, Leutnant.” 

While everyone’s talking around the coffee table, Wolfie’s standing there looking all skeptical and suspicious when--gasp--Lila mind-flirts with him. She’s a sensate. 

And, I mean, she is really laying it on thick. Totally doesn’t believe in hard to get.

He’s looking down at her a cross between “Dafuq” and “I...did not see this meeting going this way and am quite intrigued.”

Wolfie sinks down into a chair, all hot and bothered, while Lila mind-gropes him. In *his* vision, though, to Felix, Wolfgang looks like he’s either about to sprout a massive Washington Monument or throw up.

Lila is totes fine.

We take a bit of a sidetrack to Nairobi to check in with Capheus. There/s a major water problem in the area. The price of fresh water keeps climbing. It’s a brief scene, so you know it will be important later.

Out on the terrace, Wolfie, Felix, Lila, and Sebastian are having dinner while Lila continues to mind-molest Wolfie. He does not seem to mind. They’re talking about business--money laundering and stuff--while Lila and Wolfgang basically have mind-sex in front of Felix and Sebastian and they have no idea. 

Checking in with Lito, Hernando, and Dani, our threesome are looking for a new place. Unfortunately, the place they like is twice their spending limit. But they can all fit in the tub! That means they have to buy it! It’s fate!

The universe’s sign that you must have something is when you can fit in it. Just ask a cat.

Next scene, Sun and Ming-Jun (THAT’S her name!) are covertly and not at all suspiciously sneaking into the friend’s apartment for the next few nights.

Will and Riley are going to meet Jonas at the train station...though they have no idea why Jonas would prefer to meet there of all places. Riley vows to keep an eye on Will while he meets Jonas on the bridge--and when they come in contact, Will realizes that Jonas is hooked up just like that Zombie Drake dude in his dreamemory was. Jonas is amazed that Will himself could come in contact with Whispers and live.

Oh yeah, he did more than that. Booya!

Whoa, okay, lots of info now. So he tells Will of his father giving birth--yes, his FATHER, somehow, which does nothing but remind me of Lorne’s mother from Angel--

Numfar! Do dance of joy!

(Sorry y’all. That cracks me up every time.)

Where was I? Oh yes. So apparently sensates can give birth at any gender. And at any age. That is why BPO is hunting them, the population growth. 

Additionally, Jonas and Angelica had a relationship and spawned a cluster of their own.

So two sensates need to make a cluster? What if only one’s a sensate? Will there be a half a cluster? Or a half a...person? A homo-sapsorium? 

Angelica makes all these babehs who grow up to be homo sensorium themselves but there’s one guy who doesn’t particularly like his fate. He’d rather be “normal”, whatever that means. In fact, he prays for BPO to find him.

His name is Todd. I think we’re starting to understand Angelica’s motives for partnering (and “partnering”) up with Whispers now.

One by one, every one of those babehs disappeared, the last being this dude Raoul from Mexico, a reporter. Lito figures right quick that Jonas is talking about Raoul Pasquale, who interviewed him once. 

He also “interviewed” him once.

Get it? Cus they hooked up!

More creepy hazmat suit guys come downstairs to visit Jonas and just before they shoot him up with meds, he tells Will that he needs to be wary of Croome, that he’s like a lizard or something.

Now we’re at the apartment of Ming-Jun’s friend. All three are eating truly delicious looking Korean food and I throw down my frozen corndog, glaring at it as if it did something wrong.

We learn she was in prison because her husband killed himself leaving behind a bunch of gambling debts, much like Rose’s father in Titanic. ‘Cept, there was no Leo waiting for her, just a bunch of “holidays” to Japan she had to take to smuggle drugs over the border. On the tenth trip, the cops were waiting for her. When she got out of the clink, her son had no idea who she was, and is still ashamed of his drug smuggling mother. 

Will is meeting Croome in Amsterdam’s Rijksmuseum. There, they sit in front of Rembrant’s The Night Watch. I know because I googled it. Yeah, I’m no art historian. I can name more facts and figures about the Second World War than a text book and know all the capitals of every US-recognized country in the world (thanks, Sporcle!), but art history is beyond me. I know Rembrandt cut off his ear for a chick, though. Dude, haven’t you ever heard of chocolates?

Croome gives some stupid Evil Guy But I’m On Your Side speech about Rembrandt and Mozart before delving into the real reason for this meeting. Croome has had a change of heart. He wants the world to see sensorium as actual people. Unfortunately not everyone at BPO agree with him. 

Croome asks Will what he knows about BPO. Nomi steps in to tell him about Ruth El-Sadaawi, who founded BPO in the sixties. She was brilliant. She wanted to bring homo sapiens and homo sensoriums together, etcetera, etcetera. Obligate mutualisms. The title of the episode.

Riley appears to add that this doesn’t sound like the same organization in Iceland.  

Really, Riley? Der.

9.11 changed all that, just like it changed the world. It made BPO suspicious of everyone, wary of terrorists and the like. It’s a plausible explanation and makes perfect sense. But, Croome continues, there is a contingent of those inside BPO’s walls who envision bringing the company back to its roots. What they need from Will and his cluster is time and trust.

Croome gives Will a vial of psi-blockers as a sort of bit of collateral. They’re what Whispers takes to block out all the...noise. But just as Will and Croome shake hands...

Whispers, like, Whoopi Goldberg-as-Patrick Swayzes some poor girl in the museum and straight up stabs Croome in the neck, killing him.

Well. That’s one way of getting back at your former boss. My ex-boyfriend just peed on his flower bed.

Following killing Croome against her will, she then slits her own throat.

Yay! 

I mean, yay because this was a good ep full of info. Not so much yay for Croome and this lady.

I said I’d have this recap out by Thursday and hey! It’s here with time to spare. Like forty minutes. THIS ONE TOOK FOREVER THERE WAS SO MUCH INFO. 

Seriously. I was on my butt all day cappin’ dis bitch. 

Will get to ep. 3 ASAP!

[amoveablejake]

My Five Key Songs of May 2021

Here we go again 

I know, I can’t quite believe that its this time again already but here we are. So, without further ado lets dive right into the five key songs that have risen above the rest this past month. 

First up to bat, ‘Ghetto Life’ by Rick James 

This past month I have been listening to the Grand Theft Auto Vice City soundtrack a great deal once again. This is a testament to the Rockstar music curation team because I haven’t even played this particular instalment in the franchise and its purely the fake radio stations that they put together that keep bringing me back. Fever 105 is my particular favourite and having to pick one song from this funk soul dream radio is a tough task but this time around ‘Ghetto Life’ by Rick James slides into place. A track that launched itself into my Miami detective series day dreams an refuses to leave, its one of those songs that once you’ve heard it you’ll have it playing in your head for the rest of your days, particularly during these warm days we’re having presently, and really that is no crime at all. 

Next up in our second slot, ‘Blue in Green’ by Miles Davis 

I’ve been listening to Miles Davis’ seminal classic ‘Kind of Blue’ a lot as I read this past month and come to think of it as I do anything and everything else. There is a reason why this is the best selling jazz album of all time and should be listened to at least once every week to remind yourself of how truly wonderful Davis’ music is. ‘Blue in Green’ is the track that has really stood out for me this time around. Its hauntingly beautiful piano work and Miles’ heartbreaking trumpet help to cement it as what I find to be one of the master’s truly romantic songs. Its mesmersing and from those first few notes will whisk you off your feet. Its a son that is equal parts gently swaying with your true love as it is wandering the rainy Parisian streets, heartbroken and alone. As I listen to it as I write this I realise yet again that my words cannot even begin to do ‘Kind of Blue’ justice and so listen to the whole album paying particular care to ‘Blue in Green’ and lose yourself in this vision of love, whatever it may mean to you. 

The third song of the month, ‘Christmas Time is Here (Instrumental)’ by Vince Guaraldi Trio 

It will come as no surprise to see Guaraldi appear here. He could well be the song of the month every month if not at the very least filling one of the slots or perhaps all five. I have been returning again and again to what is firmly one of my favourite songs this month and losing myself in it and my visions of being hygge. For that is what this track is for me, it is being safe and comforted, feeling it wrap itself around me as I forever strive to be cosy and hygge. Despite the track’s title it is a song fro all year and it merely gains an extra level of perfection during December. The rest of the time though, it remains the song that is on my mind and when in the background of a film I watched this past week the Charlie Brown Christmas special was playing and I could hear a very faint twinkling of Guaraldi’s work I was unbelievably excited. Yes. Unbelievably excited to hear a few seconds of an album that I listen to every few days. Why? Because we always want to encounter our favourite things and this, this is that for me. But I think we all knew that already. 

Number four to hit the airwaves, ‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin’ by Frank Sinatra 

Look. I know that Las Vegas is not the Rat Pack vision that it once was. I know that. I do. But, do I still find myself dreaming of sitting in a bar whilst someone sings Sinatra songs. You bet. There is a case to be made that up until this point Frank Sinatra is the artist of my life. Now, as I say it is only a case to be made and I’m not handing over that title to the Chief of the Board quite yet but it really could be. Sinatra’s work never fails to put a smile on my face or to whisk me away whilst I picture ol’ blue eyes being teased by Don Rickles on the Tonight Show. ‘I’ve got you under my skin’ is one of my favourite Sinatra tracks and one I find myself humming all the time. Without even realising it I’m always singing it and in doing so it only makes my yearning to head to Vegas even stronger. And again, I know, I absolutely know it will disappoint me. It will break my heart and shatter my daydreams.

But at the same time... 

And here we go, the track of the month: ‘Mas Que Nada’ by Tamba Trio 

For regular readers this shouldn’t come as any surprise as this last month has revolved primarily around Tamba Trio and 90s Nike adverts for the Brazil national team. It sounds silly, but ‘Mas Que Nada’ came to me in a dream. I had a dream where it was playing and then I tried to track it down, knowing that I’d heard it somewhere but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It turned out to be from one of the best football adverts of all time and after I watched that advert a few hundred times I started to listen to the song on its own. This led me to dive into Tamba Trio’s music and I have not looked back. Ever since it reared its head, I’ve had Tamba Trio filling my airwaves as I samba dance around the cabin and make whatever item I can into a makeshift football. It is a song that always makes me happy when I listen to it and as seems to be the theme of this month’s songs, it always sweeps me off my feet whisking me away into my daydreams. Without a doubt, ‘Mas Que Nada’ is the May song of the month and I wouldn’t be surprised to see it appear again in the summer. 

So there we have it, another five songs of the month and the fifth entry into the key songs of 2021 playlist that will appear at the year’s end. And we’re nearly at the half way point, oh boy. Oh boy indeed. 

-Jake, a man working through every Tom Cruise film slowly but surely, 30/05/2021