#BC I HAVE TIME TO DO SHIT AGAIN THAT JOB SUCKS ASS ANYWAY

[kicksnscribs]

IM FREE

FREEEEEEEE!!!!

AND NOT A SINGLE GODAMNED ASSIGNMENT LATE THIS WEEK LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[isa-ah]

on the one hand i want to try for a second wind to stay up and get really into something but on the other hand im sleepy and im pretty sure my husband went to bed without me so i honestly might as well

[moiraineswife]

Moiraine And Lan - The Inability To Communicate Trauma

Hello friends. It has been quite some time. Quite some time since I have: absolutely lost all my fucking shit over my blorbos at great length via a long and quotation filled tumblr meta. Fear not: the status quo of the universe returns, and I am once again: back on my bullshit (literally hours before the next episode airs and this gets drowned/replaced with New Content. Because I’m smart like that). ANYWAY.

Today we’re going to discuss: Mo and Lan and the singular moron-flavoured braincell they share, bond or no bond. More seriously, however: I’ve noticed a few bits of commentary/takes/analysis of the current state of their…well state, let’s be frank here, and realised that my contrary ass has: Different Opinions. So I figured I’d share them. Bc that’s what I do.

(Obligatory disclaimer that there is no right or wrong way to interpret something - that’s why it’s an interpretation, and this is not a call out or a “oh wow you’re wrong and here’s why!!!!” post directed at anyone or anything. Just my observation that I am going against the grain of what I’ve seen and thus throwing out: a new chew toy for us to gnaw on).

Also: please do note that this post will cover, rather extensively/in-depth, the trauma arc that Lan and Moiraine are going through at the moment and will contain trigger warnings for: depression, PTSD, trauma response, rape (in the context of the analogy that Verin presented), suicide, suicidal ideation, suicidal attempt (again: all in the context of the show/previous events), and everything related to the topics that have been raised in the first two episodes for these characters. Be safe and tap out if you need to!

So. Obligatory wiffle aside: what shall we discuss? In a nutshell (bc I’m real good at that) I’m covering how, as I see it/am fascinated by it: the responses that they’re having to each other at the moment are mirrors/insights into the responses that they’re each having to the recent traumas that they’ve both suffered. In more depth/the points where I think I differ from the norm we’re going to cover: 

1)-why Lan is: not an idiot, actually. I see it as him being still perfectly capable of READING/understanding Moiraine without the bond; what he’s having difficulty with is COMMUNICATING with her without the bond

2)- that Moiraine is actually: ALSO failing dismally at communicating with Lan, and that she’s doing: a real fucking bad job of manipulating him. (is she HURTING him? Yes. 100%. Is she MANIPULATING him into doing what she wants? Given that she clearly wants nothing more than for him to: leave her, and that after 5 solid months he has: not left, I’m just going to put out the idea that maybe she’s not quite meeting her all of her targets in this area.

3)- wow they’re both doing incredibly stupid things, and they’re doing them for the same incredibly stupid reasons, and they are, in fact: INCREDIBLY THE SAME. See: singular moron-flavoured brain cell. This manifests slightly differently, due to their own individual traumas influencing the specifics of their actions/thought processes - but the general underlying thesis is the same for both.

The TL;DR here is that: these weirdos still know each other, and love each other, and understand each other without their bond. Can they communicate any of what they want to communicate in any kind of effective way? No. No they cannot. They BOTH suck. (I say that with legitimately all the love in the world).

So. Let’s start with Lan. Purely because I think my takes on him are the most Spicy/differ the most from everyone else’s and, let’s be honest, everything here feeds into everything else and this is going to get complicated where I start SO. Drama first. (I think it’s what they would want).

Okay so first and foremost I want to try and establish/explain what I mentioned at the outset of this thing which is: Lan is not blind, he’s not stupid, and he is not suddenly completely and utterly incapable of understanding a single feel that Moiraine feels if he can’t feel it with her via bond.

The largest and most obvious piece of evidence for this feels like the best one to start with and, for me, this is the fact that: HE DIRECTLY AND COMPLETELY CALLS HER OUT ON HER BULLSHIT, TO HER FACE, TWICE!!! 

“Don’t smile at me. You can shut me out, try to drive me away, but don’t you dare smile at me. As though everything is fine. As though you don’t know exactly what you’re doing.”

This is from episode 1, where he finally snaps at her after she gives him that fake ass little smile and is like ‘is an aes sedai not allowed her secrets’ when he tries to talk to her/get her to explain: literally anything to him. And THAT is what pushes him over the edge. 

She has been cold. She has been dismissive. She has flat out ignored him like he’s not even present. He has taken it all. Not happily, and with obvious frustration, but he hasn’t said a peep. Not when she gives him one brusque, dismissive one-word orders (“door”) like a dog. Or when she deliberately turns away from him and refuses to so much as look at them - he endures all of that and just takes it and let’s her do it. Because he understands that this is her current expression of: not being fine. 

If she WAS fine, she would not be doing these things, and he knows that, and I think sees it as something like a storm to weather? It is something that will pass (he hopes) if he has the patience and the strength to wait it out. When she smiles at him? When she tries to make a JOKE out of what she’s doing? Out of the secrets that she’s been keeping from him - secrets like the fact that she was planning on going to the Eye of the World to die without him - THAT is not acceptable. She’s smiling at him and trying to joke with him as though they’re still capable of that - as though they can still tease each other the way they did, as though things are fine, both in herself, and between them, and they are NOT. When she’s treating him like a slave, or a stranger, or an annoyance - that is strangely better - because it’s this unspoken acknowledgement/agreement (the only one they’ve been able to achieve) that this is because things are not fine. She treats him badly because she’s not fine, he KNOWS she’s treating him badly because she’s not fine - is a strange kind of shared truth. Like sarcasm - something said/done where both parties know that the meaning/intent is completely different. Smiling, joking, pretending she’s fine? That is an insult, because he knows damn well she is NOT in that place.

Okay, so let’s look at the second instance of this, which occurs in episode 2 (oh how quaint) and is as follows: 

L: “Then tell me! You and I have walked this path together. Every step, every choice, every sacrifice.”

M: “We have never walked this path together. You have never seen the forest for the trees because I have never shown it to you.”

L: “I know what you’re trying to do. You can’t push me away.”

Again, as with the previous scene, he tries to get her to talk to him, to stop keeping secrets from him, to share this with her and let him help her carry her burdens the way they always have. She puts him walls, she, again, tries to force distance - she tells him that they have never been together as he says. And he calls her out. AGAIN. He knows what she’s trying to do. It hasn’t changed. She’s still just doing the same thing she’s been doing from the start of episode 1 - trying to force him away, because she’s desperate, and she’s suffering, and she doesn’t have anything else but this - even if he knows what she’s doing, even if it hasn’t worked so far. 

Both of them are guilty of this - both of them get one idea stuck in their minds of how to handle this situation/how to fix everything, and they both refuse to change. They both dig their heels in, plant their stakes, pick their hills to die on, and are refuse to budge for love, money, or common sense. For Lan it’s in trying to get her to talk, to open up, to push back on the destructive coping mechanisms she’s got - trying to force her to include him, tying to force her to include herself and come to dinner with them etc. For Mo it’s this: it’s pushing him away, because she is no longer worthy of him (and believes she never was) and protecting him.

(to continue this: unhinged adventure, pls continue under the cut!)

So she commits to this, even if she honestly knows it probably won’t work now, either. (she empties her entire quiver on him in this scene, and the atomic bomb she had in her back pocket too for good measure. These things she’s been holding back in reserve, the last cards to play - that she misled him about Rand’s death, that she has discovered they (and notice that she still says “we” when she talks about this - even though she went to the Eye alone, even though she made that choice alone, even though she rejects the idea that they have been together on this quest, as he says - when she is not actively choosing every word to hurt him, she thinks of them and what they’ve done as an unconscious “we” and a unit) have freed Ishamael/possibly other Forsaken - one after the other, meant to just overwhelm him and be the final coup de grace. And it STILL doesn’t work. She unleashes everything she has on him and he STILL insists that he’s not leaving her. And it’s because he knows - as he just said - what she’s doing, and why. And he will not let her. And he says that to her “I’m not letting you walk away from me again” - because the last time he did: she went to the Eye to get herself killed. And it’s only by some miracle and twist of cruelty that she was left alive to suffer instead.

Also I’m going to take a brief sidebar here, before we move on to Further Evidence/thoughts on this. But I think that it’s really important to consider LAN’S trauma in what he’s doing and why? Like, I think people are doing this for Mo already? They recognise that she wouldn’t be behaving this way if she 1)- wasn’t trying to protect Lan (her intention) and 2)- wasn’t suffering the effects of her trauma/being cut off from the Power at the Eye. Lan is a little less obvious (both in that his trauma is not a single fixed point/event that’s very obvious and easy to refer back to; and that he’s a bit less blunt Lan Mo’s “brick to the face” techniques and motivations) but, as I said at the start: his reactions to Mo are a direct reflection/window into his own trauma responses.

So, as I just mentioned - Lan is SO adamant about not leaving Moiraine, not giving her the opportunity to distance them/push him away - because the last time she did that, in just nudging him, like, an inch to the left, she used that to mask their bond and skip off into the Blight to go get herself killed with Rand. And there is: no doubt, and no question, and no room for wiggling or negotiation on this. They BOTH were FULLY aware that that was a suicide mission. The first thing he says to her when he finds her is “you’re alive” - because he was sure that history was repeating on him.

Because I think that it’s very important to not just consider Mo’s actions here, I think it’s important to remember Lan’s experience with Stepin as well. The two played out very similarly for him/parallel each other almost exactly. They both talked to him about Nynaeve, encouraging him to seek a love and a life with her. They both manipulated him/the circumstances to make it impossible for him to try and protect them - Stepin by drugging him, and Moiraine by masking the bond so he was unable to sense her, so that they could leave him. They both had clear plans and intentions - and both of their ultimate goals was for it to end in their death (obviously the REASONS behind this are very different - Mo was trying to save the world; while Stepin’s had already ended). But in both cases, Lan wakes up alone, realising that they’ve left him, realising, instantly, what they intend to do and in both cases: he was too late and he feels that he failed. Stepin he finds dead - and the only reason that he DOESN’T find that has happened to Mo is not because of something he did, it’s not because he got to her in time, it’s not because he protected her, it’s not because HE did anything at all - it’s just because some whim of cruelty decided to spare her. And these two events happen within, like, a week of each other I want to say? Like that’s…That’s an incredibly damaging and traumatising thing to go through ONCE - but back to back? How guilty must he have felt? How ANGRY with himself? Because how could he not have learned? How could he have let this happen AGAIN?

Of course he’s terrified now. Of course he’s terrified that if he leaves she’s going to die. Of course he refuses - past the point of any sense or reason - to just back down and leave. He is certain that if he does it will mean the death of the person that he loves the most in this world. And it will be HIS fault. She’s being cruel to him, she’s pushing him away, she’s ignoring him, she’s ordering him around, she’s deliberately pushing every button he’s got, and stabbing her knife in every sensitive spot she’s discovered over the last twenty years. And what kind of weak, selfish, useless person would he be to let that be all it takes for him to just say ‘well fine, I’ll just abandon you and let you kill yourself without me’. He cannot fail again. He WILL NOT fail again. He has been here, history is repeating on him again and he will not let it. Whatever she says to him. However she hurts him. Whatever he has to endure to weather this storm with her he will. Because none of this pain even comes CLOSE to what it will be like if he leaves her and she hurts herself and that is entirely his fault.

(Note: I do not actually think that Moiraine is actively suicidal at this point. As Verin notes - she chooses to fight every day. She wakes up, she fills her buckets, she puts one foot in front of the other and she clearly keeps going. It’s wobbly, and it’s messy, and she’s clearly grieving and depressed and traumatised - but she is not suicidal. Does LAN know that? Can Lan, without the bond, and with Stepin, and the Eye, haunting him even begin to scrape together the required rationality to see that? No. Lan sees Moiraine as being in just as much danger as she sees him being in and all he can do, all he has left to do in this world is protect her. And so he will).

To conclude the wrap of: the most painful breakup scene in the history of the world (for me and my present blorbos at this present moment in time, anyway) I want to just talk about the infamous “we were never equals”. And a lot of it has been covered, and I agree with the takes that Moiraine does not believe herself equal to Lan (and never did (SELF ESTEEM ISSUES!? IN MY CODEPENDENT PLATONIC SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP!? NOOOOO!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)) and that is how she’s able to say this oath wise. I just want to touch on the fact that some people seem to be like ‘bro how can u not see what she’s saying DIRECTLY TO UR FACE, BRO!? COME ON LAN. LISTEN!!!!’ and like. So, to bring up a controversial and possible shocking observation: Lan is, in fact: still a human being! Emotions are messy, and logic is a fine and wonderful thing from a couch, yelling at your tv screen, and with the delightful ability to rewind and replay conversations/moments in time to be able to link them together nicely.

But Moiraine has been cruel to him for months at this point in an effort to drive him away. And, as discussed - he knows what she’s doing. He knows WHY she’s doing it. He is enduring it and putting up with it and stomaching it without throwing things at her because he knows it’s an expression of pain and is a reaction to what she’s been through. But he’s also hurt by it. Not least because: even if she’s only SAYING these things to hurt him/drive him away - she still believes them enough that they’re true for her to be able to actually get them out of her mouth. That HURTS. That’s going to break you down, that’s going to GET to you, that’s going to be thing that keeps him up at night and just echoes in his head over and over again and like - my man’s self-esteem and self-worth wasn’t actually sitting up at the peak of Dragonmount BEFORE 5 months of this, like dear Light people.

To have the person you love the most in this world tell you that “I don’t want my saddle to slip” (I don’t trust you to do this for me), to have her admit that she deliberately misled him, that she has actively kept important, possibly world-changing events from you, that she says, to your face - the thing that you are MOST afraid of, the thing that tormented him via Machin Shin, the thing that torments him still about Stepin - that he FAILED her? For her to believe that so firmly that it’s truth to her? Of course he doesn’t think he’s worthy of her? Of course he’s willing to take what she says at face value. SHE CAN’T FUCKING LIE!!!! And the set-up to this is so important, because she goes right for the jugular in this scene, and she does so repeatedly, in quick succession.

So she hits him with: ‘actually I lied when I said before that WE were going to the Tower - I’m going on my own without you. We yote a forsaken out into the world OOPS. -I refuse to explain anything to you. -We have never been walking this path together. -I have never showed you everything, I have always hidden things from you. -OH also ur lil sheepherder dude is actually: not dead and never was, I #lied to ur face abt that. -I am loyal to the Dragon - and ONLY him. -You can’t protect me anymore without the bond. -No, you’re not my Warder, you failed me, and I would be dead in spite of you if not for the help of people more competent than you. -ALSO here’s our good buddy Alanna and I am going to THREATEN TO HAVE HER TAKE YOUR BOND BY FORCE IF YOU KEEP REFUSING ME and I arranged this ahead of time to make this right. ALL of this gets dumped on his head in the space of LITERALLY AROUND TWO MINUTES. Like damn Mo the bloody Fades were less efficient than that.

He has just had all of that thrown in his face - the things she’s been holding back, keeping in case she needed them - her lying to him, her isolating him, her NEVER walking this path with him or ever showing him all that she saw, telling him that he is not her Warder anymore, that he has FAILED to protect her, that she will have him bonded against his will just to get rid of him. And he stands there on the ground, while she gazes down at him from on top of her horse (which she mounted - for the first time we’ve seen on screen - without his aid (which is a GUTTING little touch, because we see him smoothly and seamlessly help her mount a couple of times in season 1)) and she just says, to his face, the TRUTH, as he asked for: they were never equals.

And she can say that because she believes that he is better than her, and we know that, but can you blame him for not quite catching that in the moment????? She’s just told him that he’s a failure, that she’d be dead and he didn’t do a damn thing to protect her, that she will have someone bond him forcibly - and in this moment she just says what he’s been thinking for months, for YEARS honestly, given what machin shin torments him with “you can’t protect her. You’ll watch her die.” Of course he believes it. He is ALREADY taking an irrational level of responsibility over all of this, over what he perceives as his failures.

Adeleas calls him out for this and tells him he’s taking it too personally (and he IS) - he is assuming responsibility for not preventing something as though that means that he caused it. And again: this is a trauma response. This is an overreaction to a perceived series of circumstances that led to the death of a friend he’s had for possibly decades, to the one person he is supposed to protect, who he let go on a suicide mission alone so that he could get fucking laid, who he let slip away from him AGAIN to get attacked by Fades - where he failed her FOR A THIRD TIME. But like…He starts this little conversation off with her by apologising because he didn’t sense the Fades. He has: absolutely no way, reasonable or other ways, to sense INVISIBLE CREATURES THAT MOVE THROUGH SHADOW without the bond giving him the ability to do so. It’s a ridiculous thing to say. It has no logic to it at all and that’s the POINT. He is not capable of logic about this situation. He is blaming himself for everything - every single thing he can think of, whether it’s reasonable or not, is his fault, and his responsibility - he should have sensed the fades, he should have sensed her leaving, he should have stopped her going to the Eye, he should have stopped her from being cut off. He is trying to assert control, he is trying to assign blame and reason to the things that have happened to him - to the losses he has suffered - so that he can stop suffering them. And he can’t. He can’t. It happens over. And over. And over. AND OVER again. The trolloc blade that hit Moiraine in the Two Rivers and nearly killing her. Logain’s shield exploding and the axe handle piercing her side and nearly killing her. Being drugged by Stepin who killed himself while Lan was absent. Letting himself be distracted by Nynaeve while Mo went to the Eye. Missing Mo leaving AGAIN and her being attacked by the Fades. Actually getting there while the attack was in progress finally at LAST being able to DO something, to STOP something - and he can’t even fucking manage that. Over and over and over he fails people and he loses them and it’s his fault and he can’t stop it. He’s been retraumatised by circumstance, and is now retraumatising HIMSELF by adding even more perceived failings to the existing tally. Of course he believes her. He’s just been waiting for her to say that to him from the day they bonded. NO ONE IN THIS DYNAMIC HAS ANY SELF-ESTEEM. LIKE THEY STARTED WITH ZERO TOTAL AND SOMEHOW IT’S GOTTEN WORSE.

Okay so shifting focus slightly for the last thing I want to say about Lan, but still related, because: the problem (for me) is not that they cannot read/understand each other, it’s that they cannot COMMUNICATE with each other. And there is a distinction here. Lan’s issue is not lack of understanding where Mo is at - he sees her suffering, knows she’s not fine, understands she is reacting to the loss she endured at the Eye, he gets that. He’s known her for twenty years - bond or no bond - he knows what pain looks like when he sees it in her eyes. That’s not it. What he’s struggling with, and what he’s frustrated by is that they are not TALKING. He knows how she’s feeling - he doesn’t know what to do about that. He doesn’t know how to TALK about that with her. He doesn’t know how to fix it because she refuses to engage with it at all - and they’re SO bad at this that they don’t even get to the part where she can ignore him trying to talk abt the actual problem, bc she just nips it in the bud and ignores him/deflects him from the opening bland ‘small-talk’ set-up questions to start making forrays into that. 

Because before all of that would have happened instinctively via the bond - she feels the bad feels, he knows why, he sends the required good feels back/makes her tea/gives her an extra blanket/just responds without having to think about and, and this is the key point: without having to talk. Because, let’s be real here: these idiots BOTH suck at talking about their emotions/needs. Genuinely think they would both just lie on the ground and fucking die rather than say ‘I need a bandage because I’m BLEEDING PROFUSELY FROM EVERY ORIFICE.’ Because they’re deeply repressed, traumatised people who were never given the tools/language/space they needed to be able to safely and healthily learn to express their feels (but that…is a different piece of meta for another day). 

THE POINT IS: we’re now going to turn to my beloved, my man, my favourite, the myth, the legend, the ICON: Tomas and his tomatoes. And by this I do of course mean that we’re doing a deep dive of the scene where Tomas gives Lan some advice after they go out to the (absolutely THRIVING - good job my man) garden to pick some tomatoes for dinner (or at least….Tomas goes out to pick tomatoes for dinner; and Lan goes out to brood in his proximity while he does so. ) But eh. Tomayto, tomahto….) ANYWAY: 

So this scene gives Lan a chance to talk about losing the bond - and I think that is important as well? Likely obviously Moiraine is Going Through It here, and Lan hasn’t been cut off from the Power/isn’t dealing with that experience but WE DON’T PLAY TRAUMA OLYMPICS IN THIS HOUSE!!! PAIN IS PAIN AND IT SHOULD ALL BE VALIDATED AND DEALT WITH IN A CONSTRUCTIVE AND POSITIVE WAY. Ahem. Anyway. It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: QUOTE TIME AGAIN;

“The bond made things easier. It was like a friend walking along with us chatting away so we never had to.”

I think this is a really interesting (and honestly fascinating) way to describe the bond - to personify it and see it as another individual existing between them and making things easier by doing the things that they both struggle to do - use their goddamn words. 

“She’s tired, she’s hungry, she’s angry, she’s afraid. Now silence.”

This part, too, I think is really telling. Because if I had to put money on it and pick out the Top 4 Feelings Moiraine Is Having I think I could do a lot worse than ‘tired, hungry, angry, and afraid’. He KNOWS how she’s feeling. He can read that in her still. He doesn’t need the bond to tell him that. That’s not what he’s missing. He doesn’t need the bond to point out what she’s feeling to him, and he doesn’t miss that aspect, he misses the ‘chatting away’, he misses the noise, he misses the COMMUNICATION, and he is struggling with the silence.

THAT is what the bond used to do for them - it used to ‘chat away so they never had to’. A friend, a helper, who facilitated between them and allowed them to communicate when they couldn’t speak/didn’t have the words. We see this over and over and OVER again in season 1. They have whole ass conversations without making a single peep. Most notably in extremely tense or emotional moments - Kerene’s funeral and the look they share, Lan struggling with Stepin’s grief, coming to Moiraine, kneeling beside her, holding her hand - so much happens in that scene in particular. Without saying a word he communicates an exhaustion, a fatigue, a grief and a sorrow - a need for comfort and support - and she gives it. At Stepin’s funeral - the lookk that he gives her, the way he seeks her in the crowd, again needing her strength, which she gives to him through their bond and across a room. THAT’S what’s gone. That’s what he keeps trying to get back. 

Because he gives her that same look - that same obvious cry for help and look of desperation at the end of ep 1 with the Fade battle. He is WRECKED he is DONE, he’s disarmed, he cannot stand, he can barely crawl - he NEEDS her, he needs her strength, he needs her help. She tries to channel - she reaches for the power, as she would once have reached for him through their bond - and it does not come. It is not there. It cannot help them. And the words that he speaks to her then echo a repeated sentiment he’s had for her throughout: “what aren’t you telling me?”

The bond isn’t there to talk for her anymore. And she refuses. Consistently. Verin and Adeleas comment on Bayle visiting - and Lan notes that she doesn’t tell him any more than she tells them. After Bayle is gone, Lan tries to small talk, he slaps on a casual little smile and he asks a mundane ‘let’s start the ball rolling on that conversation thing’ question, easy to answer, nothing tense, nothing painful, a very common “how did it go?” she ignores him. He presses further - asks who that person was? She gives him the bare minimum (and doesn’t answer the question he’s ACTUALLY asking) and then he tries to push again - what did she want. At which point she hits him with that fake smile and the ‘can an aes sedai not have her secrets?’ - and he’s not even really asking for much. He’s not asking what he actually wants to ask which is: how are you? Are you okay? What can I do? What do you need? What are you thinking? And this idea repeats - in ep 2, when he tries to point out it takes 8 aes sedai to cut someone off, she snaps that he has no conception of the power the forsaken have - so he snaps at her to tell him then. And she refuses. 

They are both FEELING - and their feelings are seen. Lan sees how Mo struggles he sees how she shuts herself away, he sees that she’s not eating, and not sleeping, that she’s frustrated, and she’s frightened. Mo sees that she’s hurting him, she sees that he’s frustrated as well. They know this. But they’re not TALKING. They’re not COMMUNICATING. And at the dinner sequence - this is what Verin, Adeleas and Tomas try to give them advice about - their history is the “common language” that they are; maybe he needs to listen to what she IS saying and not try and demand her to say other things. They don’t know how to talk about things like this - they’re not good at that ANYWAY - but with each other? When they’ve never had to before? When for once, for the first time for both of them, it was effortless to share these things and communicate these deep insecurities and emotions that they struggle to give to others? THAT’S what they’re lacking and that’s what the biggest problem is.

Alright let’s leave poor Lan be for now, I have tormented him enough. On to Momo. This will (hopefully, dear god) be shorter, because people have covered Mo before. We know that she’s traumatised, we know she’s trying to push Lan away to protect him, we know she’s trying to regain control, she feels powerless, she feels helpless, she is trying to deal with something life-altering, something that made her vulnerable and helpless, she’s being reckless with her safety, she’s taking foolish risks etc etc.

The point I want to touch on here is the idea around her ‘manipulating’ Lan, because I usually see this go hand-in-hand with the Lan stuff I talked about already. Largely: how ironic that without the bond Lan doesn’t understand her/cannot read her, but Moiraine is doing it so well with him and i must: respectfully decline to go along with that perspective. And this is (I imagine u know what im going to say now) *inhales deeply* because they SUCK AT COMMUNICATING!!!! 

It doesn’t really MATTER that he is trying to open her up/communicate that he loves her, and he’s there for her, and he wants to support her; while she is trying to communicate the same - she loves him, she cares about him, she wants to protect him. They are both: failing dismally. Lan’s incessant pestering of Mo to talk to him is just making her clam up more and more because she can’t and what’s more: she doesn’t bloody want to. She wants to shove her trauma under a rug in the corner of Verin’s study, and then she wants to drag a bookshelf over the top of it, and then she wants to fill the bookcase with books, and then she wants to put a whole bunch of extra things on top of the bookcase, and then she wants to flee the country and forget that any of that ever exists because she does not want to deal with it. And Lan keeps pushing. He keeps trying to make her talk, because he’s desperate, and he misses the chattering of their friend the bond, and he wants to help, her wants her to let him back in, and it’s just pissing her off. Which is what the cottage squad calls him out for (when will Mo get her ‘come to jesus’ talk?? For Fairness? Like i need this too).

So Lan is coming at this: far too softly, and far too indirectly in a lot of ways. He never asks about what he actually wants to ask about. He talks about the weather, or how shiny Aldieb’s coat is this morning, or how nice and red and juicy Tomas’s tomatoes are. He never actually just says what he wants to say which is: “I love you, and I’m worried about you, and I’m failing you more and more every day and I’m sorry and I need you” he pussyfoots around it and avoids it and lets her shut him down because that hurts and, well, he deserves that hurt so alright then.

And then there’s Mo. Who has managed to somehow twist the logic of the universe so that she can say “I love you” by, uh *checks notes*: Not saying anything at all/ignoring him. Or by saying things like “you failed me” instead. Because she is just THAT powerful. Okay I’m being a bit sarcastic here, clearly, but she has convinced herself (based on how her trauma is affecting her) that she: 1)- does not deserve Lan/is not worthy of him and so he should leave her so he can be happy and 2)- she needs to protect him and so he should leave her and go and be safe.

Maybe she tried to articulate this at some point? Sit him and down and be like ‘okay Allan so I know u have a lot of trauma abt, like, being abandoned/being left behind so ppl u love can go do themselves great harm but…it would REALLY be just swell for me if u left me all by myself while i go through possibly the worst things that’s ever happened to me: alone. Okay? Okay.” However I doubt this. Bc, as previously and repeatedly discussed: these two can’t communicate for SHIT right now.

I think she probably made some sort of roundabout suggestion? Like she didn’t directly say ‘you need to leave me because reasons’ but she probably…asked him to go the White Tower and watch over Nyn and Eggy, or maybe go with Perrin and the Shienarans to help, or even ‘hey remember Mat? The little scrungly one?? I wonder where he is’ and he just told her ‘absolutely fucking not’ (or words to that effect) so she had to try something else instead. Which is: being mean af.

So far so good and I think we’re all (relatively) in agreement to this point. But then people think…She’s being successful here? And she’s reading him well - largely because she knows EXACTLY what to say to hurt him? And yes, she absolutely does, I will 100% give you that. Blade directly to the heart each and every time, she never misses. HOWEVER. This is not the actual point. Causing Lan pain is not her endgame - it’s actually just the painful middle step that’s hurting her too to try and get her to her endgame.

Manipulation essentially involves doing ‘y’ (in this case being deliberately cruel/causing Lan pain) to make the person do ‘x’ (in this case: push Lan away and make him leave her), in theory/if it’s super successful: without the person realising that you’ve orchestrated this/making it seem like it was all their idea/decision. This is, uh, not working too great. It’s been 5 months and Lan is probably less likely to leave her now than he was when she started (because he now has 5 months worth of knowing that she is actively trying to get him to leave so she can do the Light only knows what and if that’s what she wants him to do while she’s in this state then it’s absolutely the last thing that he feels he should do - so in that sense this has actually backfired kinda spectacularly on Mo. Because: SHE’S COMMUNICATING JUST AS BADLY AS HE IS!!!!!!!!!! Just. On the COMPLETE opposite end of the spectrum to him. Because they’re drama and aesthetic that way.

And the added bonus content of this is: she CAN do this. She can (and does) manipulate people spectacularly well. Take Bayle for example (god she needed that little win SO badly, bless her and her buckets). She wanted: to see/examine the broken heartstone - but what is she actually going to DO with it? She doesn’t want to put it in a fancy display case or collect it, she wants to know WHY it broke. So what she ACTUALLY wants from him is information. Information such as: the poem. So she haggles with him on the thing she actually wants - makes him feel like he’s getting a win when he agrees to budge on that, far cheaper, item - but then he counters and says that he won’t move on the heartstone chunk itself - which she has no interest in. So she gets her essential infodump poem for a bargain price, and takes Bayle down like six pegs in the process. 10/10, excellently managed misdirection, making him do all the work and lowering the price of the poem so she didn’t even have to ask for it, and making himself look like a plonker into the bargain. Delicious. She CAN manipulate people - she just cannot manipulate Lan (not in this instance/about this anyway) because she’s as wrongfooted as he is, and is scrambling as much as he is without the bond, to try and find a language she never thought she’d need to try and speak with him.

And so if we now consider BOTH of them: they’re in this very weird space here, where the traumas that they have suffered, and the reactions they’re having are placing them in this fundamental position of opposition. Because their needs/the things they believe/have convinced themselves they have to do put them in direct conflict with one another. They’re like an immovable object meets an unstoppable force, right? And this idea reveals itself in several smaller ways - eg: Lan thinking that Mo needs company and to not isolate herself to get better; while for Mo that just feels completely intolerable and she wants to be alone and in Her Space, her study, where she is in control and can pretend to her visitors/informants that all is well and nothing has changed. But I think the biggest point it revolves around/where it’s most obvious is that, ultimately, their absolute overall goal is to protect the other person?

The difference/tragedy of this is that: Moiraine believes fundamentally that Lan is in danger WITH her, and that she has to make him leave in order to protect him. Lan believes fundamentally that Moiraine will be in danger WITHOUT him and that he has to stay in order to protect her. And this is the hill they’ve both chosen as their last stand/thing to die for. So she is going to push him and push him and push him, and she is going to hurt HERSELF by being crueller and crueller and crueller to him to protect him. And all the while he is going to endure and endure and endure and let himself be hurt to protect her.

AND THEN IT GETS WORSE (or better if ur twisted and u enjoy these kinds of parallels the way i do) because: they are both stubbornly trying to protect the other; but they’re also both feeling like they’re martyring themselves/are hurting themselves more and more to do so. She feels like he is being stubborn and forcing her to hurt him more and more every day - which she does not want to do - when he could just go, just let this end, just leave her the way she clearly wants him to! But this will make her stronger. She will be stronger for this, for having let him go, and for knowing that at least she managed to protect him. So she will just keep going - tomorrow, that will do it, he has to break tomorrow, he has to finally break tomorrow. And this goes on. The next day. Maybe the next day. The next–

And then HE feels like he is enduring, and that the pain she is inflicting on him is his cross to bear, and he has to endure it because he will NOT leave her, no matter what she throws at him. And it’s almost a test of his will and his love and his devotion (even though I think he knows it’s not: but it’s kind of become his own little personal quest. Because yes. Yes he SHOULD suffer this way. She SHOULD hurt him like this. He deserves it after how he failed her. He has to take this pain. He has to prove what he’s willing to go through for her, prove how dedicated he is, how much he will suffer for her, how even she cannot break him). And he too is thinking that next day it will get better. If he can just endure, just survive this onslaught, it will end. It will get better. She will get better. This will pass. He just has to prove his strength and last as long as he needs to in order to see that through.

And, to bring us back to the start of this extremely long and rambling essay I present you my final, deeply insightful, deeply professional, deeply ~meta~ thought which is that: they are BOTH. SO. FUCKING. S T U P I D!!!! (in a genuinely really interesting and complex and  fascinating way, as i have hopefully discussed/explained - the idea that their lost bond/connection makes them mirror/echo each other but now in a destructive way? That instead of seamlessly and instinctively meeting each others’ needs they are both unconsciously and unintentionally triggering the other person’s trauma and making things WORSE? What an absolutely fascinating take/an incredibly subtle but profound way to show the depth of exactly what they’ve lost/how much it has affected them while ALSO rooting the entire thing in their individual traumas, experiences, and characters - like who ever wrote/conceived of this NEEDS A GODDAMN RAISE I SWEAR) But also yes they are: morons. Absolutely. Without a doubt. One singular moron brain cell that ping pongs between the two of them but is, fundamentally: the same. Absolutely fucking delighted. Can’t wait to see where this goes from here. Join me again in the future for me: ‘wow Rowyn that’s a whole lotta thoughts u got there buddy’.

Also I swear I’m friendly and I like engaging/talking with ppl! Pls feel free to comment/reblog/message!!! And do note that if u reblog i WILL read and appreciate ur tags bc im: one of those Old People. 

OKAY BYEEEEEE!!!

[isa-ghost]

I need qPhil to tell Sunny how awesome and swaggy she is so she stops thinking he hates her and so Tubblings that clearly don't watch any other POV besides Tubbo's shut the FUCK up about Phil hating her and stop posting the most rancid, untrue, one-sided & illiterate ass takes I've ever seen.

IT'S MISCOMMUNICATION. THAT QPHIL DOESNT REALIZE IS HAPPENING. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS TOLD HIM. BECAUSE QTUBBO'S STUPID ASS (I SAY THIS AS A TUBBLING MYSELF) DOESN'T FUCKING SPEAK UP FOR HIS DAUGHTER. AT LEAST NOT OFTEN ENOUGH. NO ONE ELSE BESIDES HIM REALIZES SUNNY IS FEELING THE WAY SHE IS. AND HE SAYS NOTHING ABOUT IT TO ANYONE. AND SUNNY DOESN'T REALIZE SHE CAN SPEAK UP HERSELF. OR SHE'S AFRAID TO BC SHE'S JUST A KID, WHICH IS COMPLETELY VALID. SUNNY'S ADMIN IS FANTASTIC AT PLAYING A CHILD THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THIS SOCIAL STUFF.

TUBBLINGS NEED TO PULL THEMSELVES OUT OF RP FOR 2 SECONDS AND REALIZE A CHILD'S PERCEPTION OF THE WORLD ISN'T WHAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE. FOR A BUNCH OF CHRONIC METAGAMERS, THEY FUCKING SUCK AT THINKING META WHEN IT ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTERS. I SAY THIS AS SOMEONE WHO WATCHES STREAMS REGULARLY. I SEE CHAT.

AND IT SHOULDN'T BE ONLY SUNNY'S JOB TO SPEAK UP FOR HERSELF WHEN SHE'S FEELING A BAD WAY ANYWAY. PARENTS SPEAK FOR THEIR EGGS ALL THE TIME. TUBBLINGS MAY NOT HAVE WATCHED QSMP BEFORE TUBBO WAS ON TO KNOW THAT, BUT THEY'RE METAGAMING LITTLE FUCKERS ANYWAY. SO IF THEY'RE SO PRESSED ABOUT THIS, THE LEAST THEY COULD DO IS THINK OF PROPOSING COMMUNICATING ON SUNNY'S BEHALF AS IF IT'S AN ORIGINAL IDEA THEY HAD, SINCE THEY LOVE SUGGESTING META OR BACKGAME-Y SHIT SO MUCH.

OR THEY SHOULD THEMSELVES OUT OF RP FOR 2 FUCKING SECONDS TO REALIZE ROLEPLAY IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION. AND TUBBO IS NOT COMMUNICATING THAT THERE IS AN ISSUE. SO THIS IS NOT PHIL'S FAULT.

Also Tubblings & Phil antis in general have this habit of assuming he's being fucking rude when That's Just How Northerners Talk. So good job, you dumbasses are stereotyping. I've seen so many UK northerners speak up about how they hate seeing people from their region labeled as assholes for talking the way they talk. But I digress.

REGARDLESS OF FANDOM ISSUES.

QTUBBO SHOULD HAVE TOLD PHIL BY NOW THAT SUNNY FEELS THIS WAY. INSTEAD OF LETTING THIS FUCKING FESTER. WORSE, SOMETIMES HE STRAIGHT UP TALKS TO SUNNY LIKE HER PERCEPTION OF PHIL HATING HER IS TRUE. RATHER THAN REASSURING HER HE DOESN'T. FROM PHIL'S POV, TALLULAH & SUNNY GET ALONG NOW SO THERE'S NO TENSION BETWEEN THE DEATH FAMILY & THE UNDERSCORE FAMILY. HE HAS NO FUCKING IDEA THAT SUNNY DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HE'S TEASING. OR THAT HE CAME OFF A WRONG WAY. AGAIN, HE JUST TALKS THE WAY HE TALKS. AND SUNNY DOESN'T REALIZE THAT. AND THAT'S OK BC SHE'S A KID.

I hope to god this is ccTubbo playing his character this way intentionally bc I'm down for imperfect/flawed characters. Even if this is aggravating me SO MUCH and even if I HATE characters that think everyone & everything is against them when it's clearly not true. Bc at least then that means there's time for qTubbo to learn he's severely fucking things up going about things the way he is. There's opportunity for the narrative to progress and for the conflict to resolve. qPhil is imperfect and flawed and I snort that shit like crack. I'm down to ride out qTubbo's character development just the same even if I don't enjoy it.

BUT UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT THIS IS NOT A MATTER OF META VS RP AND NOT AN INTENTIONAL CHOICE ON CCTUBBO'S PART.

QTUBBO SHOULD BE SUPPORTING SUNNY WHETHER THAT MEANS SPEAKING UP FOR HER OR ENCOURAGING HER TO. INSTEAD HE BASICALLY GOES "DAMN THAT'S CRAZY, WE'RE BOTH SO HATED" AND MOVES ON. WHEN. IF YOU WATCH PHIL OR FIT OR PAC OR MAYBE EVEN BAGI BC SHE'S ON "EARLY" SOMETIMES. THEY ALL CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THEM BOTH. THEY CARE ABOUT EVERY ISLANDER. EVEN THE ONES THAT DON'T SHOW UP FOR FUCKING MONTHS. ITS THEM VS THE FEDS. ALWAYS. EVEN AFTER FUCKING PURGATORY, THEY WILL ALL STILL DROP EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE EGGS ARE OK OR ASK IF PEOPLE NEED HELP WHEN MESSAGES POP UP IN CHAT. THEY STILL PANIC EVEN WHEN MESSAGES OF SOMEONE GOING DOWN POP UP BECAUSE THEY'RE PLAYING AROUND. IT HAPPENED JUST THE OTHER DAY WITH RICHAS AND MIKE. NOT EVEN BEING FORCED TO BETRAY AND HURT EACH OTHER, AND BEING PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER FOR WEEKS HAS BROKEN THE BONDS THEY ALL HAVE. THIS ISLAND HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN "IT TAKES A VILLAGE" ISLAND. EGG NEED HELP, EGG SAD, PARENTS SCRAMBLE TO HELP AND COMFORT. SAME WITH FELLOW ISLANDERS. EVERYTHING THE ISLANDERS DO IS TO A) PROTECT THE EGGS NO MATTER WHO'S EGG IT IS, B) PROTECT AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER, AND C) TO FIND ANSWERS FROM THE FEDS TO GET CLOSURE. OR ESCAPE THE ISLAND. THE DAY TUBBLINGS LEARN THAT IT'S NOT AND NEVER HAS BEEN TUBBO VS EVERYONE IS THE DAY I KNOW FUCKING PEACE.

SO I AM BEGGING. THAT IF QTUBBO WON'T FUCKING SPEAK UP FOR SUNNY. AND IF SHE'S TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK UP FOR HERSELF. THAT AT THE VERY LEAST, PHIL FUCKING DOTES ON HER SO SHE REALIZES HE DOESN'T FUCKING HATE HER. AND THEN TUBBLINGS REALIZE HE DOESN'T FUCKING HATE HER. HE DOESN'T HATE ANYONE ON THE ISLAND THAT ISN'T A FED OR A PURGATORY FUCKWAD. AND BY DOTING ON SUNNY AND TELLING HER HOW COOL AND FUN SHE IS, TUBBLINGS WILL FINALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP. AND SUNNY AND THE CROWS WILL ALL KNOW FUCKING PEACE.

[artificialwizard]

Venting and rambling about ai art discourse

Feel free to ignore this + this isnt an invitation to argue back and forth with me about ai

My tag system on main for years now has been

#art = abstract art

#representational art = all non-abstract art

( + #dreamscape = art that can't be neatly categorized as abstract or representational + art that reminds me of dreaming )

Bc at the time I created this tag system i was very fed up with abstract art and modern art being dismissed as Not Real Art by some assholes and i wanted to put abstract art first in my space and have representational art be the one that needs a descriptor to differentiate it from "normal"/"real" art

Currently holding myself back from doing something similar to be petty about the never ending ai art backlash/discourse

Haven't been posting my abstract art or ai art online much lately but i still make a lot of both (+ getting back into writing and prob won't be posting much of that either). Sharing art online, other than with close friends, seems like hell to me rn.

Maybe someday i'll start posting my art again it just sucks that anytime i go on any social media from discord to youtube theres an 80% chance i see people shitting on the artistic mediums that i'm most passionate about

And its not like the ai hate train has slowed down the rancid attitudes around abstract art lol, not that I'd stop making AI art if abstract art was more respected

Abstract art is the easiest and most rewarding way for me to express myself creatively and it gels so well with my perfectionism issues bc perfection is Not the point (except when it is, but then its an artistic choice not a constant obligation for every piece). A piece about grief doesnt need to have perfect straight lines or symmetry, the art can be messy if it suits the tone I'm going for.

And AI image and music generation is very exciting to me! I've always been curious about what it would be like getting to see the creation of a new way of making art and its been very cool being able to somewhat follow AI innovations since 2018 and then get to experiment with it myself once more ai tools became accessible!!

Whether im the ai art im making is abstract or representational, i love not having full control over the result! I love bouncing ideas back and forth with the AI. I love having to combine my visual art skills and my language/description skills.

I use midjourney et al. the same way I'd make my OCs in dressup games while brainstorming ideas. Mindless doodling that can often lead to writers block breakthroughs.

I also use midjourney et al. to make quick vent art when I'm feeling strong emotions just like I'd do in my sketchbook or in my digital art apps.

And sometimes i'm using ai to spend hours trying to make something very specific i want to create.

Idk its all just tools to me. Midjourney. Paint Tool Sai. Pen and paper. I get the same joy/relief out of making art with all of the above

Im not aiming for fame or money, i make 0-200$ a year from art, usually 0. I just want to have a little corner of the internet to share my images and reach a handful of ppl who appreciate them and want to discuss abstract & ai art with me thats it. Im not coming for your art job, i dont allign myself with corporations aiming to further disadvantage workers in artistic industries or artists who freelance

Anyway reason #2 i slowed down on posting art is grief has been kicking my ass these past 4 years. Lots of deaths in the family + death of a friend. some relationships were fractured and im grieving those as well.

Reason #3 is started full time library job in november 🎉 its wonderful and its exhausting and im still finding my rythm after years of being chronically un(der)employed and/or in college, but hopefully once life settles down more ill have more and more time to spend on art and writing

Havent vent posted in ages and it feels weird doing it on one of my art blogs so im going to end this with two of my recent(ish) pieces on grief, first made in onelab (not ai, android art app i make 80% of my digital art in) and second in midjourney

Thanks if u read all/most/some of that :)

Think i just needed to be like "man this sucks" so i can move on to "anyway! Art time >:)"

[purpleandstarlight]

It continues @hateweasel

-I never listened to Fly me to the moon - but I always connect it to a canon kiss between two queer characters in a trilogy I really like bc after it one of them goes back to his room while humming it. Then that arc of yours with the crazy villain dude who sang it came and past me was afraid it would ruin my good memory associated with the song (but I genuinely forgot it until now).

-I wasn't impressed with that arc's villain's intelligence and didn't understand his beef with Ciel since from what I understood back then it was his own fault for touching sacred objects wrong??? Like don't be surprised if you get cursed while playing with ancient magic artifacts dude...(not criticism towards the author, just the character who's being needlesly petty lmao)

-I then said, and i have really no context for it but that just makes it funnier: "Ciel seems unimpressed...Wich is peak Ciel behavior, but this time he's right." I guess it was about the arc's villain?

- Cameron [about Alois, Ciel and Audrey]: They are horrible supernatural creatures that kill people!!!!

Me back then: Bestie, Audrey is just half reaper? He doesn't do a reaper job either??? And reapers don't kill anyway they just collect the souls of the dead???

(I understood that he was manipulated by the villain so he probs got a lot of shit wrong. Before the whole "trying to get back with Kris while he's amnesiac", me and my friend gave him the benefit of the doubt and defended him a bit. But reading this now its still funny to me)

-Me shitting on the arc's villain name with my friend. I didn't even remember the whole name but I was sure it sucked and we were very vocal about it (again, bullying the character, not the author). I just generally had beef with the dude ig, I realized just now that I kept insulting him for everything...

-i was SO hype about the rest of the 7 going around spying Cielois on a date...wich. understandable. It's peak me behavior. I'm there for the funny hijinks. You actually call them "the backseat boys" while they're on a taxi in that chapter, i realize in my first reread, and it always makes me lose it for the giggles since I assume it's a reference to the backstreet boys? I don't know them I just know the name but ITS A FUNNY PUN.

-Oh God DaffyDucks's introduction chapter...The moment he was fighting with the seven to sit next to Alois my gaydar buzzed, no lie. After he started being sleazy with Alois, I was genuinely just creeped out and annoyed by him troughtout the whole arc and never really stopped. I hate him even now. I cheered when Ciel kicked his ass.

-DLTD: By that afternoon, Ciel had rid himself of the rest of the sensational seven

Me: LOL

DLTD: ...(including Alois)

Me: ... :(

Me: NO WAIT I MISREAD!! IT SAYS EXCLUDING!!! :DD

(Genuine Rollercoaster of emotions I had while reading that single sentence)

-Gabriel Bailey saying he would stop being a cop made me so sad. I was like "More power to you but I'm gonna miss you dude" cause I thought we wouldn't see him again?

Then my friend said "You know, cops saying they will stop being cops in fiction is usually a death flag" and I shat myself.

-I genuinely said (and I'm Copypasting) "NHA BC CIEL AND DAFFYDUCK DO BE HAVING SOME TENSION IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN 💀" and then i followed it with (not Copypasting but translating in english) "Nha I'm kidding. Daffyduck isn't blonde he's got no chance."

-I said this at like 4 am. At 11:31 I then barged into the chatroom after this hours long silence with "Okay so DaffyDuck is an ally now but I still hate his guts".

- I then said "In the end DaffyDuck was working with the bad guys like i thought at the beginning of the arc but he was only being manipulated. I gave him much more importance than what he has." and my friend jokingly pointed out that a lot of people get manipulated in DLTD so I said "To be fair it's a common trope in every story, but not as many stories are so long as to have space for many repetition, so it's understandable that it happens a lot in this"

[worstutfanonthingpoll]

Hello haters!

Now if you know me you know I like two things:

HATING (and please don't call me an anti)

MAKING DISCORD SERVERS

So! I have decided to combine these two things

Now, some backstory:

(Spoiler warnings for Xtale)

Backstory~

I was coming back from holiday in Port U Gal (it was nice, other than the fact i burned to death a lot) and decided HEY! I DOWNLOADED THE LAST EPISODE OF XTALE TO WATCH ON THE PLANE! I SHOULD DO THAT!

Before this, I had slowly been dragging myself through xtale (adhd means i needed to spread it out). I liked it, other than the fact I had no idea what was going on 30% of the time. Anyway.

So I watched Xtale episode the last, and suddenly Sans was relevant despite only having about two speaking roles beforehand. And suddenly he and CharaFrisk were claiming to be besties. And suddenly FriskChara tried to make him kill them bc... it would force XGaster into reseting, weakening him (i think).

All of a sudden everyone's memories were back and they were about to kick XGaster's ass. WONDERFUL, thought me. THIS CUNT'S HAD IT COMING FOR TEN EPISODES. But then GUESS WHO SUDDENLY DEVELOPS MARY SUE SUPERPOWERS AND DESTROYS THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, BECAUSE... I genuinely do not know.

Did he feel CharaFrisk betrayed him by overwriting him? Maybe, but I think their actions were justified. They didn't see any other way out and they genuinely thought sans would be willing to help bc theyre besties for some reason.

Did he feel for Gaster bc he raised him? Valid enough, but if that's the case why did Papyrus (who was also raised by XGaster), Mr Spare a Genocidal Maniac, join the Gaster torture?

And again, WHY WAS HE THAT OP? There is no explanation for where those powers came from and I think that it is ridiculous he destroyed everyone and everything with full control over his powers, and then had the gall to wail about it. Like dude. No one was forcing you to do that?? Jeez.

And then Ink, who somehow failed to notice the Ten Variations of Hell Gaster created despite multiversal watch being his LITERAL JOB, comes in like. Oh! Hi sans variant in a destroyed universe! You're invited to the main plotline now! ;D

Wow.

Nothing against Ink, but according to the poll runner server, Ink's inaction is kind of a thing that happens a lot in Underverse. Rip.

End of Backstory~

(Please don't hate on me if you like Cr#ss. If you are a fan of him, good on you! Enjoy the pleathora of fanon content, and feel free to block me. Just no hate pls)

To sum it up, I think Cr○ss Sans sucks but there is nothing on tumblr or ao3 or anywhere agreeing with me

So! I am starting a Cr♡ss Hate Club™ where we complain about him and make that hater content we've been craving, including shipping him with TECtale Sans (an oc of mine who is kind of the worst) and creating the "Cr□ss Sans is a Jerk" tag on ao3 (if swapfell sans gets one, SO DOES CR%SS)

The hate club will be a discord server, the link to which doesn't even exist yet. This is mostly a post to see if people are interested. If not, and I'm right about everyone's undying love for him then that's okay! I'll delete the post and move on with my life.

If you're interested but fear hate, feel free to dm me. But if anyone dms to yell at me for not liking Cr0ss, you're getting blocked.

And remember:

Me saying I don't like someone or something doesn't mean I'm saying you're not allowed to enjoy it, because guess what? People are allowed to have opinions! If he is your fave, good for you! Just please please don't send me hate.

Hell, send me Cr☆ss centered fics that portray him positively if you like, its good for me to broaden my horizons and shit. Also I like the Nightmare's gang found family stuff lol.

Yeah that's pretty much it. Will censor Cr◇ss's name so it doesn't come up when searched.

@inksans-unofficial @worstutcanonthingpoll

[softhairedhotch]

I hate how people just don’t seem to understand that humans aren’t supposed to constantly be working like this. Life isn’t supposed to be about work constantly, ur supposed to have fun and enjoy life. I work in a warehouse too and December is always our peak season bc holidays and people buy stuff online, all of November and December I worked 6 days a week (meaning I had only 1 day off) they only made us work 5 days but I always picked up an extra shift. Like yes the paychecks were wonderful and I would have kept doing it in January too but they didn’t have any shifts for me to pick up. But afterwards I realized I worked so much and barely tended to myself and it made me really depressed and burned out. I worked so much I forgot what days of the week it was, I forgot about holidays, I basically lived at work. And I stg if I hear that “pull yourself by the bootstraps” bullshit again im gonna loose my shit. Everyone tells me “work hard for a higher position” but that’s not true, you basically have to know someone or fuck someone for a higher position (Btw I work for a popular company that’s named after the largest rainforest in the world).

But I say all this to say, your brothers should have more compassion towards you instead of constantly badgering you about getting a job. If they wanna you to get a job so bad then it would be helpful if they put in a good work for you at their jobs. Life isn’t just about work, it’s about enjoying the time you have. You’ve already got a lot on your mind and it would be better if they just let you get better. Your doing good bubs, and I hope you feel better soon🫶🏽

oops i ended up deleting that lil rant right as you sent this i think but thank you sm, i really appreciate you coming to say all this <3

working at a warehouse SUCKS. i almost ended up at the place you just mentioned but absolutely no thanks, would hate that. i used to be a line leader at my old job and it wasn't bad! i could do it, i just hated it. the boss and the people (aside from my friends) were awful and mean and the thought of going back sucks ass. even tho i can't even go back rn bc it's a seasonal job and shuts down for a few months at a time :/ so if i go back to work anytime soon then it'll probably be another warehouse job bc it's all i can really do, i have 2+ years experience, and it pays pretty well... but i really just don't want to.

thank you though, i really appreciate it. i think i am getting better and i'm finally able to go back out in the real world but to them that means i'm able to go back to being worked until i have another breakdown 💀 like c'mon i hardly speak to them at all n then when i do, it's all about me getting a job. i went shopping with my brother on sunday and i was just talking about my upcoming week and he immediately goes "that includes job searching, yeah?" dude shut up you are NOT my dad 😭 let me actually get better before i force myself to work goddamn 💀 anyways thank you again n i hope you're doing better now <3

[gaybd1]

Please tell us your tax fraud story???

IRS, I fucking know this is you….

but I’m never gonna live in the US again so sure why not, it’s not that interesting though lol

first of all when I left the US I was DROWNING in debt which I planned on continuing to pay off at first

Six figure student loans (how did they give me so much?? Parent plus. My dad made a TON of money so he got big loans for me but told me I was solely responsible for paying them back which he’s still on my ass about but he can honestly suck my dick bc he’s a terrible person and I definitely feel exploited by the government and also him for that, but I digress)

Three credit cards (how did I max out three credit cards by the age of 24? That was all my college living expenses like rent and food bc I was too mentally ill to go to school full time and also hold down a job. Another decision my dad just. Let me make)

A brand new car with the most ridiculous loan terms you’d ever heard

Yeah, planned on repaying all of that from China but that place is LOCKED DOWN and it took me forever to even figure out how to send money home (foreigners aren’t even allowed to go to the bank alone AFAIK) and so I was a week late for ONE car payment (I hadn’t sold it bc I still owed more than it was worth) and it got repossessed which is still FUCKING BONKERS

and I had other issues too with like logging into payment websites and whatever so I just said “fuck it” at that point to all my debt. My credit score was plummeting and they kept trying to take me to court but I’m never going back there anyway, and I felt fucked by the system so 🤷‍♂️

ANYWAY why am I sharing this?

Because this is the attitude I ended up developing towards The Man BEFORE tax season even came around

So tax season comes up my first year abroad. I’d filed before but had never made enough money to ever really owe anything anyway. But I looked up how to do it outside of the US because apparently Americans still owe taxes even when they live abroad which is ALSO FUCKED

Anyway I couldn’t really figure it out because I’m dumb and don’t give two shits about taxes but what I thought I understood was there’s a certain amount of money you have to make abroad in order to have to pay federal taxes, and for state taxes it depends on the state. It didn’t look like I had to pay any state taxes for Michigan so I just… didn’t file anything?

And I’ve done it like that for every year since.

It’s only now occurring to me that there probably is some sort of paperwork I should be doing each year but at this point I don’t give a fuck and I never hang onto any of my documents anyway lol

So it’s probably not tax FRAUD, there’s probably another word for it but 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

[serene-sun]

Ok so my decision that won’t effect y’all is that I’ve come to terms that I need a break from music. Not entirely, but I feel like I’m not going anywhere vocally, I’m staying on the same level, I’m not getting better nor worse. And I’m tired of all of the cons that come with being in charge of it. Not that it’s too much to handle, it’s that I already have two other things I take really seriously and I’m not going to do something if I’ll just half ass it. If I do something than I’m committing and I’m going to make it 100% perfect. Yeah sure I worked hard to make this band, but it’s not like everything we’ve done will go away. Besides, we don’t exactly have “fans”. I mean yes, we do, but the people who come to the shows are just there to jam out bc it’s something you can bang your head too, but nobody is going because they’re a die hard fan who would have a poster of us in their room. And it sucks bc that’s what I wanted when I started it bc I had that dream of 80’s rock band that does dumb shit, I think the only thing we accomplished was doing dumb shit and letting creativity flow. I don’t think that it’s necessarily a bad thing that I’m ending it? We all kinda want to go our own ways and sprout, bc it was me who wrote all the songs so what was really the point? I don’t want to restrict anyone from letting their own flow, flow into someone else’s flow and starting a new flow, so I’m going my own flow. I have allot of reasons for this, but it feels the best option. Besides, bands you start in the high school band room…don’t ever last that long. I can already sense that we want to part ways, since everyone is kinda moving out (thank the gods that the apartment is in my name holy mother I’m not moving again in this state of economy). I’ve also already been invited to join another band on guitar so I think that it’s best for everyone to take a step further. I do feel bad, bc I don’t want it to make it seem like I’m throwing them under the bus and ditching them. But I need to take a break from writing, experimenting, and management because I’m really trying to go all out in school/work. Im done with community college so now I’m going to the “grown up school”. Im already and intern at my dream job thanks to my grades and profile, I’m glad they looked over the 1 misdemeanor in my resume 😅 IVE BEEN A GOOD BOY. Anyways, and im so fucking pissed I ended the year with 2 B’s, even if they were high. I have to be perfect no matter what, I don’t care if “oh your perfect the way you are” this and “don’t be hard on yourself” that. If you don’t give yourself a constant conflict or challenge, than how will you get stronger? If you want to pass a goal, you have to know how to! But I’m really excited for school to start again bc I think I’m the only one who actually enjoys learning now a days. And the further and better I do in college is the faster I climb up the ranks at work, I’m so close to getting my spot. I still have allot of time left tho, 9 years until I get my doctorate so ugh I’m impatient af. But either way, I’m just excited that we all get to do something with our life’s now. It’s something new, and I’ll be with new people. These guys travel in a charter bus…how did I get here?

Anyways, that’s todays ramble…and it’s just 7:40am

[polynesianpen]

all bark no bite

I am so over this apartment complex lmao

since the security + the leasing office is useless around here, I called the WJ non emergency line to report a car that is consistently parked illegally on the premises (I sound like a Karen but I promise it's super fucking annoying bc it makes it difficult to drive around them) and some loud neighbors.

their parking enforcement is a joke. people are parked illegally all of the time + they don't do much to enforce that let alone anything else around here. they are the definition of all bark, no bite.

anyway - after calling the WJ non-emergency line, an officer told me that I would have to reach out to my leasing office since it's a private lot or the listed towing company so me and my petty ass called the towing company over our complex + requested for someone to be towed but these leasing office fuckers made it so no one can call in to report an illegally parked car but them.

how goddamn annoying.

another policy that has me scratching my head is if you locked your keys in your home. last I checked, their policy was that you would have to call the non-emergency line they have listed + they're supposed to help you out.

I had called this person + they said they weren't able to verify if I actually lived in my apartment so I had to wait for office hours (it was the weekend) to get in my apartment.

I wasn't willing to wait it out so they said the other option would be to call a locksmith. the locksmith wasn't able to change my lock without breaking the entire fucking thing so after he fucked it up (I disputed the charge bc he did such a shitty job + I won, thank god).

all that to say - that this apartment complex + its residents along with everyone that works for this company FUCKING SUCKS.

I keep asking myself why I ended up renewing + I know it's because I didn't want to go through the stress of moving + finding a new place + getting settled, etc.

it feels much like a toxic relationship or a stagnant relationship.

you stay because of the familiarity and convenience + put up with the shit that comes with being in it. ugh - I swear to god if I stay here again I'VE LOST IT ENTIRELY!!!!!!!

[eliasneln]

sept. 7, 2024

tw: pregnancy, slight mention of family trauma

it's 6 something in the morning on a saturday and i dunno just got some thoughts.

so update: i had a baby! she was due in june, but wanted to arrive early and was born in may. i kept my pregnancy pretty quiet on social bc i had to this weird fear of folks finding out. i dunno it's weird while i was pregnant i felt like a teen mom even though i'm a grown ass woman, married and with a career lmao.

being a parent is def challenging, but in all honesty it's at the same pretty rad (for me). i never thought i would have kids, like i always had a laissez-faire (is that how you spell it idk) about them-- like I won't be upset if I did or didn't have 'em, ya know. i was 18 weeks when i found out i was preggers and yeah at first i was scared SHITLESS but as the journey progressed I pretty much found peace.

being pregnant sucked ass i'm not gonna lie. and so did giving birth. and i'm set on having one kid. one and done, my dudes!! one baby is fine with me; i don't think i wanna put her in a difficult position of being an older sibling like I had growing up. idk maybe it's an asian/filipino thing for the eldest sister to carry a heavy burden-- at least it was for me.

anyways, i had my 34th birthday in august, and it was a very chill birthday and i'm happy to see it this far. i made it a challenge to find joy in every day of august -- whether it's making time for a journaling or drawing session, working out (yes i can finally lift weights again yesssss), or even going on a walk with my daughter-- and i think i did a pretty solid job accomplishing that goal.

it's weird being in my 30s have made me uhhhh a lot more chill and made me taking a slower approach to a lot of things. i'm finding myself more mindful of shit. or maybe all of this happening bc i'm finally listening to my therapist and actually do the goddamn homework haha.

okay yeah, that's it really. i couldn't draw a lot this year bc of carpel tunnel from the pregnancy. my body is still adjusting itself back so there are some soreness in my fragile bones haha. i have been drawing a lot since the baby was born, but mainly in my sketchbook and honestly i've been too lazy/tired to scan and upload them. i'll get to it eventually i'm sure.

ciao!

[slowdripsunrise]

ok here we go again spoilers under the cut

starting off with a banger i read The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon. holy shit it was awesome. audiobook 10/10 narrator did a phenomenal job. there were some characters that confused me, where there were a couple names for the same person and i thought they were different people, and the opposite maybe im still not quite sure.... mainly with the queen of yscalin i believe? again not 100% sure but it didn't take away from the story at all. i did really like most if not all of the characters, they were all well fleshed out in my opinion. super interested in the prequel, my favorite thing ever ever ever in stories is like. well theres the story but what happened before years ago or even centuries ago is still there. she's haunting the narrative. she's present in every timeline there was no other ending to this story etc. etc. loved it excited to get my hands on the other one and maybe also try some of shannons other books? i heard about another series but it looked a lil confusing to get into but either way i will read it. trust

after that i read Yellowface by R. F. Kuang ! not my favorite of hers bc i am more of a fantasy/sci fi/historical fiction girlie rather than lit fic but there were parts of this that did make me laugh ! its been a while but i do remember the part where the mc talks about liking eminem or something in the beginning and thinking ok yeah she's got the character down good. like yeah. anyways i do see how it's a bit on the nose and some of it seems a little out there and cartoonishly evil. and i can definitely see how a lot of the characters mirror real life people, mainly athena/rebecca. and how a lot of the criticisms towards athena are criticisms r.f. kuang has gotten/gets in the past and does she kinda just write them off as haterisms. yeah. like thats a little funny sure queen. and while yes i dooooo think that its a bit over the top some times..... having seen all of the asian phishing and race faking and pretending to be someone ur not on twitter to get published irl these past few MOnths. like in 2024 ONLY. i do think Sometimes the obviousness is necessary !. like some of you bitches did NAWT get the message. anyways the book was pretty good not my personal favorite as its just not the type of story i typically read but i will continue to read Kuang's work ! it was fun it was silly i got to laugh at a racist white woman.... and i do think it was nice how a tiny little bit of sympathy would come up for the mc in the book and then just immediately be squandered by the next stupid thing she did like it was funny. like damn okay you watched a sorta friend acquaintance die thats traumatic. oh well you stole her entire manuscript okay nevermind. oh something bad happened to you in the past that sucks for you /gen sorry. oh okay no ur using it to fuel ur racist ideas and beliefs and how nothing is actually ur fault okay man yeah i dont feel bad anymore. like it was just kinda funny how every little chance she got to do better she absolutely squashed it. astronomically. and okay last thing i think but i do like in the acknowledgements Kuang said that a lot of this book is a horror story about loneliness in an isolating industry. and thats not a direct quote but i think its the jist and yeah like. so many problems the mc had could have been solved by having real friends that cared about her and her writing and supported her when she needed it, so she didn't go and blame every other person (and minority) in her vicinity on her problems. and people to hold her accountable when she did wrong. all of the people around her were basically just yes men (when she was making them money) and so nobody checked her when she was being a fucking idiot and a racist. so like. yeah i do see how it's a horror story about loneliness, and i like that outlook on the story. it is also primarily a silly ass look into a racist white woman's brain. like okay i can see how you got to this conclusion, if everything else you have ever thought and known and been taught was wrong. like its yeah a little funny. okay i need to stop on this one i am just saying words at this point like it does need to stop. recommend as a quick read if you wanna see how a lot of racist people in the publishing industry operate. (side note that part was interesting reading about the publishing industry like taking away the racism from the mc it was interesting to see the other characters and how they operate) okay done.

NEXT i read Ghost Music by An Yu. interesting, the mushrooms were throwing me a bit and like. i do see how there is a connection between the mushrooms and the mother and her hometown and her son but its been a bit long since i read this so i do not know what the connection is yet. and what exactly this connection is trying to say. i think if i reread it i would understand more but i'm not much of a rereader and i don't think im interested enough in this book to try. dont get me wrong it was good !! i just wasn't in the correct headspace to really take it all in when i read it. the story was fun, i liked most of the characters. tbh it is very short so i feel like i didn't sit with it long enough. i also dont understand the talking mushroom. but like the vibes were there.

ALMOST THERE !!!!! i read ough okay A Tempest of Tea by Hafsah Faizal ! so. i liked it thats for sure. the characters were fun and cute i particularly liked the relationship between Jin and Flick...... they were cute. i do think as i've grown out of YA and into adult books, my standards for YA have gotten lower and lower lol. like i have high standards for my adult novels because thats what i primarily read now, but going into YA i'm looking for maybe a more specific type of vibe and less like. i don't need the highest quality ever bc i have high quality in adult books now. if you get what i mean? so like no i don't think this was Faizal's best work we hunt the flame you will always be that girl to me. BUT. i read this for the vibes and the tea and the heist and not much else. my expectations were low -that the other thing i think a lot of people came into this book with super high expectations- and i had a really good time ! i am definitely interested in the sequel- i think a lot actually maybe not a lot but some of the moments in the book were specifically written to idk maybe go viral ? like some of the dialogue and scenes i could just tell some editor or publisher really wanted to highlight it. did i see a lot of the plot twists coming. yeah. did that make it less interesting....... not really? Could it have been better. yes absolutely i think theres always room for improvement especially in YA when a lot of things are more cookie cutter. BUT. this was still fun. and i liked how the worlds are connected, arawiya is present ! although. okay. am i stupid because Laith was making references to shit i feel like i should remember but i don't.... like yes arawiya was freed by the king yes i know vaguely.... but yeah. idk. I WILL READ THE SECOND ONE !!!!!! love how this post is just me trying to remind myself to read more books lol.

NEXT i read The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow. fun book ! not much to say about it tbh i did like the vibes, don't remember the ending at all so overall i don't think this one like. really made me think or emote or whatever. i do think that the dual kinda. stories were cool i liked reading both, which is rare for me usually theres one that i like a lot more than the other. the world was cool. i had fun. i would recommend as a shorter little fantasy book....

Tread of Angels by Rebecca Roanhorse... meh. I kinda went into this knowing absolutely nothing I SEE THE VISION. god i see the vision so hard but i really think Roanhorse shines when she has a larger page number and more room to really flesh out her ideas. like because the vibe was there, it wasn't like. Present but i could get just a little taste of it and god it would have gone so hard as a fully fledged story i feel like. this one, tho, fell way flat. i did NAWT care about any of the characters at all. like the mc and her sister. were just both not great people and like neither were the rest of them and i think that was the point but like even when characters are bad you kinda wanna have to root for them at some point. and i just did not at all. Sad !. well theres other stories.

okay. last one. i finally did it after so many people raving about it and one of my friends basically forcing it on me. i read The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemison. and well like i get it. LIKE OKAYYYY I FUCKING GET IT THIS BOOK WAS AWESOME. apparently the author is on tumblr and does look for fanart so like if u see this hai :3. really really fucking good. it took me one or two tries to get into it, first with just the book, second with just the audiobook, and once i had time to sit down and read them together it was like. just flew by. i tried to pace myself but hooo boy. did i see it coming how all the characters were actually one character yes. because well i had heard how everything was connected before and well the dots came together pretty quickly. did not take away from the story at all though! if anything it made me want to read more to see when and how it all came together !! 1000000000% recommend to anyone who likes fantasy (look up trigger warnings!). the characters OUGH. the worldbuilding OUGH. that last line like OUGH. the little interludes like explaining some stuff about the world OUGH. like okay when it was talking about how yknow. how will people know whats missing when they've never had it before? like they have the stars the planets the sun and i was like well Moon? any Moons queen? and then forgot about it until the very end like OKAY YEAH THE MOON. having a moon well it does control tides and things like that. so it being missing could have a large affect on the seasons. and well yeah. also. dude the whole premise of like having to go on what u think is a stupid ass assignment with some guy you don't like but are contractually obligated to have sex with. well its fucked up first of all. but also just a little bit funny like. the mc will just be describing her day and then just "yeah and when we set up camp for the night me and this stupid ass man i hate had sex it was really bad and then we went to bed" its just a little funny like man. yeah. the polyamory was cute !!!!!!! those little moments of bliss and then it switches to a different pov and ur like god how did it go so wrong. damn. okay last thing because well this is getting long. but god there was a post i think i reblogged it but comparing two passages, one of Alabaster saying he would destroy the world for his little family, and the other from the very beginning of the story where he breaks the world and that just. is so. OUGH TO ME LIKE FAWWWWK this book is kindof making me insane and also to that point of the part in the beginning where Alabaster is breaking The Stillness well that part in the audiobook. god the narrator did such a good job that will stick in my mind forever i think. just they way they said it OUGH. fucked me up. anyways thats all if u read all this good job happy reading.

[nebulouswaters]

Hsggsajjddj

I'm so frustrated and at the end of my rope like. IDK what I'm supposed to do. She owes me $10k in rent and then texts me about how she's probably going to have to quit her job for her mental health as she can't take it anymore =((((. And that her boss gave her until Monday to decide "if she wants to keep her job or not"

Bitch??? Yes you 'want to keep' your fucking job are you insane???? It took you a fucking year and a half to find a new job from the last time you quit for your mental health. And I PAID FOR YOUR RENT THE ENTIRE TIME. Because every month you'd say, oh, next month I'll have a job for sure!!! And then I'll pay you back and then some!! Except for the months you fucking didn't and just took for granted that I'd pay the rent in full and wouldn't kick you out. And now you have a job. And you said you'd be getting another one soon in order to pay me back all the rent. And now you're going to quit this job. Sure. Right. Whatever

She is moving out for sure in April, the paperwork is already signed but I can't believe she'd actually go through this all again. Like? I've seriously considered taking her to small claims court except I literally know she doesn't have any money to pay me back with so it'd be pointless.

I'm just so so tired. It's always one crisis after another with her. Always something terrible going on that she's so miserable about and her mental health is so terrible that she can't do anything. And like. I get it. But also. You're an adult, sometimes you just have to do stuff anyways. Even if it's bad and it sucks.

Maybe if she didn't absolutely suck ass at job searching/interviews this wouldn't be such an issue for me. But she is way, wayyyy too honest and tells her potential employer everything, /including/ that she is disabled and can't drive. Which obviously in our unwalkable Midwest town, gets her a straight shot to the end of the list for hiring. But she says she doesn't want to work for anyone who can't handle/accept those things right off the bay because it would be a bad work environment. And like, yeah, if you weren't literally living in poverty and only getting by due to me and your boyfriend providing for your basic needs, you could be concerned about all that.

I just. I thought we were over this. She got a job. It was nice for a while. She actually paid rent!!!! And now we're back to square one, the exact same position she was in when she moved in with me 3 years ago. And I was willing to help her then bcs she was getting out of a terrible situation and ready to start her life and get a job and start building a future. And she promised me things would change and be different. And now she's going to give it all up again?? Go back to staying in bed all day and not getting up until 3 PM? Cause /that/ was such a great time for your mental health?? I just can't wrap my head around how the fuck she expects this to go

Oh and her boyfriend has been working two jobs but was going to quit the second one so they could spend more time together and bcs he was working 75+ hours a week plus having to drive her everywhere bcs she can't drive. And she was so worried about his health with working so much. You think he's going to be able to quit his second job if you quit your only job?? And support the two of you on one minimum wage income??

I guess at this point I should just consider my money gone and our friendship significantly harmed by this entire experience. It's just that she gave me hope that things would actually change this time and that she could get her shit together. But I guess not

[roseintheclouds97]

Hello, it’s Eris again.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and I wanted to give you a proper apology. The way I left was really shitty. REALLY shitty. And I hate it and felt so guilty and I did it anyway bc well…I don’t want to call myself a shitty person bc I’m not. I just see that I have a lot of things I need to work on when it comes to friendships and running away…

I’m sure you noticed how often I’d try to run from my twin and I even often told you how I hated how I’d make friends online and then they’d leave with no explanation and ghost me despite me getting so attached. And now I went and did the same thing to you. In fact I spent so much time thinking about it I suddenly remembered you are not the first friend I’ve made online that I ran away from and just decided to leave out of nowhere and it sucks bc I’ll never be able to apologize to those girls. Or even comprehend why I do run away so suddenly despite knowing firsthand the pain it causes.

But I can apologize to you. I’m sorry. I don’t ask for forgiveness. But I do want to express my regret because you’re such a lovely girl and you didn’t deserve to just be left out in the cold like that and I AM sorry. Idk there’s some trauma there I need to work on to figure out why I do it. But I just wanted to apologize for it because it’s not your fault and it’s nothing you said or did. I truly did enjoy every one of our conversations and I’m sooo glad we talked as long as we did. You were there for me through my aunt’s cancer when I had no one else to talk to and when I was being dumb about my twin or ranting about life or the universe or whatever the fuck came to our minds. And I know it wasn’t one sided. We both were able to just vent and express ourselves and I’m really truly grateful because you are an amazing friend and a beautiful, intelligent young woman with so much potential.

So despite my shitty exit I wanted to remind you that you are an incredible woman and I hope me leaving hasn’t deterred you in anyway. Do NOT give up or istg- don’t let your father or mother or smelly ass ugly ass pilot or even the loser who couldn’t take a confession from you or shady people who shouldn’t be getting married get in your way.

I know it doesn’t seem like you’ve made any progress but throughout our time talking I watched you become more and more confident and bold and daring and give less and less fucks about the toxic people draining you and I’m so proud of you. You have to give yourself credit. You might be changing slowly but you ARE changing and you are trying and fighting tooth and nail and I hope you can acknowledge that bad bitch part of you that still thrives despite the shitty conditions you’re put in.

I don’t care if you want to be a flight attendant or win a pageant or move to Bora Bora and sell coconuts. You stick to your dreams and you keep fighting, girl. Bc fuck you’re incredible! And it would be a damn shame if you told me all that you have and you did nothing to continue writing your story. This is only chapter one bitch! Get to writing! There’s still so much to tap into.

I’m doing better :) mentally, I mean. I have my bad days but I started taking these stress gummies and they help a LOT which maybe means I need anxiety meds but for now gummies it is. I’m motivated, I’m happy again. I’m relaxed most days. I’m exercising and I bought myself new clothes. I’m going to go to that 5sos concert and have a good ass time. You’ll be happy to know I haven’t fought with my twin at all and I’ve had three dreams of him(wow! New record 🤩) and two of them were about meeting him so who knows 👀 won’t get my hopes up though bc been there done that.

Oh and I put my two weeks notice in today! I’m happy to quit and move on and yeah school will be hard but mentally I’m happier there than clocking in at a shit job that drains me. But we do it bc we have to. Bc it’s a temporary stepping stone so remember that, okay? We need money so we work but it’s not forever!

I’m not on here but I wanted to again apologize and idk I hope you’re doing well and I felt like you deserved another less rushed apology even if it’s still vague and shitty. I’m always rooting for you regardless of my shitty coping mechanisms 🥹

Idk if any of this makes sense or if it makes it worse. I just wanted to say I’m sorry again. Best <3

I know you probably won’t see this, but I hope you have a happy new year. 🎊

There’s a lot I wish I could say to you and tell you about these past few months. I thought I’d give replying to your last message a try.

At first I didn’t know how to feel. I’ve been abandoned too many times to count at this point, so while it hurt, it was kind of expected. I don’t really have any friends right now either and the new ones I tried to make during training ended up being pretty fake.

Still very much alone but I’m learning to be okay with that. I’d rather be alone than surrounded by people who only use me.

Can’t say some of the bad decisions haven’t continued but it’s been a rough couple of months so you can’t completely blame me. Lost my grandma. Hate my job (yeah I’m a flight attendant). Two people disappeared with no notice (one of them being you). But I’m hoping next year is gonna be much better. I do have plans that I hope to follow through with.

I think you’re the last person I could hold a grudge against because we are very similar and I understand why you did what you did because I’ve been in your shoes before. So If you ever decide to reach out again I have a buddy pass with your name on it to take you to Korea or wherever you want to go. I’m literally just one flight away if you decide to open your heart to friends again 🩵

[deviantartdramahub]

5 notes

It's so weird how DBS feels the need to kiss Mod-S's ass and clarify, in fact dedicate a whole ass paragraph to do so, that they don't at all support Club. Just weird smh -_-

Speaking of the first paragraph..."and he can also go jump off the highest of cliffs for all I care but…" Ooh, encouraging suicide! These are SUCH good people!!! ^v^

/s 7n7

Anyways I'm pretty damn sure they continued making fun of Club for not having a job yet even after this post soooo uh 😬

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No, never in my life have I seen Club speak bad about any minorities. All he wants is autistic people to get more awareness and representation. Trust me, I myself am bi, so if he was queerphobic in anyway, I WOULD NOT DEAL WITH THAT. But he's not, and actually a very good person, so we're still friends to this day, suck it. And we already know he's not a pedo and you're the real ableists here, so need to repeat the same fucking shit over and over again :3

JK I know you dumbasses will die on that hill, but whatever.

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"remember to include a recording or im not taking it" Lmaaooo bullshit Mod-S, even if it was just a screenshot you'd take it XD

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Got any proof of that big accusation? No? You're just accusing an innocent person of something that didn't happen, ey? Aight fuck off.

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Ah yes, the ol' "someone gives you something automatically means they're grooming you." Wdym that's not actual advice?? Hm...

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I'm pretty sure I said this before, but the reason he feels the need to seek validation like that in the first place is bc you sickos attacked and harassed him. You guys are the terrible people here.

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Mhmmm, kinda suspicious you remember a scene like that so well.🤨

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Yeah no, his RPs are about special needs awareness, and you're the weirdos fetishizing it.

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Yeah Mens and Clari are bad people but the fact DBS called themself "actually a decent person" like that is so cringe lmaoo. Also bringing Club out of nowhere in this post that has nothing to do with him is so weird. DBS sure is one of the most deranged people in that blog smh.

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Who the fuck cares, it's harmless fun, you people were just straight up losing ways to make fun of Club or to "call him out" lol.

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Nuh-uh-uh! Screenshots can be easily manipulated and don't qualify as actual proof, sweetie! :)

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Uhh if you actually cared about those kids I don't think you'd refer to them like that but whatever 7-7

Annyyywayyysss I'm once again done for the night, see ya!

I feel like they're confusing him with other people half the time. Even amongst their so-called evidence, I've never seen RP's of his outside the family formula, so when they mention Sailor Moon RP's for example it strikes me as a set-up.