This Week’s Horrible-Scopes
It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter. Better yet! Check out “Heart of the Game, Fredonia” and see if they can sell you those D12’s with the symbols on them. Tell them “Shujin Tribble” sentcha. And “Hail, Hail, Fredonia!” Home of the Blue Devil!
With the release of new Atari 2600 game consoles that will accept and play the old game cartridges, we’re randomly selecting the old games for you. From COMBAT to KLAX let’s see what 8-Bit Monster you get to play this week.
Aries
You get Shrodinger’s Game: it’s both alive and not at the same time. The game is “Motorcycle” - Game Code CX26141, and it was never released. Which is, of course, totally On Brand for you. You’re on the list, but almost never seen. This week… don’t be late to your job’s staff meeting… YOU WORK FROM HOME!
Taurus
Now we’re talking! Your game is “Breakout” - Game Code CX2622. This isn’t the most fun game in the world, seeing as how you have to trade out the joystick for the paddle controller. But it’s still fun… or it WAS fun. We’re about to ruin it and all other clones of the game by telling you that This Week… “Breakout” is just Single-Player Video Ping-Pong. Just accept that you can’t beat it.
Gemini
Your game doesn’t have very high stakes. Matter of fact there’s nothing except Trial and Error to… Well, “win” sounds like the wrong word for it. Game Code CX2627 brings us to “Human Cannonball”. A premise so simple it’s a wonder the game sold at all after we learned what it was. Big gun… tilt up… set power… launch your little dude into a water tank. Easy, right? Yup. Easy and boring. This week… find a way to make all your mind-numbing activities more fun..
Cancer Moon-Child
He’s been in an Arcade Video Game, a cartoon, and now he’s on your home television screen! It’s Game Code CX26123 - “Jr. Pac-Man”. Let’s be clear here, it’s not “Pac-Man Junior”, it’s “Junior Pac-Man”. Likely this had something to do with marketing or licensing, but the game was still there. And the best thing we can say about it is… It Wasn’t the 2600 version of Pac-Man! This week… you’ll exceed expectations by just being YOU. Don’t try to win harder!
Leo
Making its way from the Arcade to your home, it’s one of the most challenging vector graphics game ever. Game Code CX2685 is “Gravitar”! Not only do you have to battle enemy spaceships as you try to select the level you want to enter, but you get to clear asteroids of gun placements while picking up fuel from the surface. It’s a tough game, no lie. But it’s a fun premise! This week… there’s going to be Black ice on the road. Don’t slam into the ground!
Virgo
Oh, now this gets to be more fun. Game Code CX26176 is called “Radar Lock”. Released in 1989, over a DECADE after the console was originally released, it’s all the grit and air-flight dogfighting of Top Gun without the F-14’s sexy profile. And any suggestion that it’s simply a clone of the Sega game “Afterburner” are not to be believed. This week… make your work easier by using something you worked on before. Assuming you’re a programmer, otherwise that’s just not helpful at all.
Libra
This one hurts a lot. Your game earned the ominous distinction of being 'the arcade game with the most ways to die'. Atari Game Code CX26147 is the unreleased hit game “Frogger”. And before anyone does the, “Uhm, But, Aktually…” thing, Yes! There WAS an Atari2600 game cartridge released by Parker Brothers, but NOT by Atari itself. Over the years there have been clones, spin-offs, re-issues, a cartoon series, mentions in popular culture, and even an ad campaign encouraging people to use safe transportation in cities. This week… you’re a classic, you’re adored, and you’re special. Don’t worry that you haven’t done enough.
Scorpio
Imagine you’re stuck in an almost round race track with three sections you can drive on to pick up points like you’re Pac-Man. Now imagine there’s another car trying to do the exact same thing, only in the opposite direction, trying to crash into your car to stop you. Welcome to “Dodge 'Em”, Game Code CX2637. You can play against the computer or another player, but you have to plan ahead and remember which way to tap the joystick to change lanes. This week… you are NOT a NASCAR driver. Stop trying to only make Left Turns.
Sagittarius
You are Secret Agent 17, trying to make your way through a 30-story building alive. Doors will open, letting out enemy agents to shoot you dead… BUT! You can avoid them by using some tricky door work. Welcome to the world of “Elevator Action”, Game Code CX26126. The sad part about this Arcade to Console port was that it was killed before it could be sold. Which might be all for the best. We didn’t need another Pac-Man sprite horror on our TVs. This Week… Look up why pressing the elevator door close button doesn’t work.
Capricorn
Your game is one of absolute LEGEND! Game Code CX2671 has a very special place in the history of video games. “Swordquest: Waterworld” was only available via Mail Order and like its sibling games came with a comic book and a contest! Beat the game, send in the codes, and you could win the "Crown of Life"! A solid gold crown decorated with diamonds, rubies, sapphires, and aquamarines valued at $25,000 USD in 1984, meaning almost $75,000 today! This week… your value is not something to be trifled with. Stand up for yourself, damnit!
Aquarius
Not much to say about your game. Code CX26158 is the unreleased “Surround II”. It’s the precursor to “Snake” on the Nokia. Not much to explain, really. So this week… buy a new Nokia 3310… YES, they’ve brought it back! And just to be kind, buy the safety case for it so when you drop it you don’t break any concrete floors.
Pisces
You get both a great game and a disappointing one. Game Code CX2650 is the home console port of the amazingly fun arcade game “Berzerk”; a game you play with two joysticks in the arcade but only one at home. And the smiling yellow ball, “Otto”? Yeah, it looks like crap on the TV. And there’s no voice taunting. So this week… Look up what Otto looks like, and imagine that it’s the Evil Twin of Wilson from “Cast Away”.
And THOSE are your Horrible-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Discord and BLUESKY.
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Ok I only feel a tiny bit guilty about this but after last nights twitch stream (where I pretty much had laryngitis), to speculate my stress as to whether heat was coming tomorrow, I spent the rest of the night disassembling, cleaning and swapping parts on old 80s Atari joysticks. I think out of 10 broken/ badly working ones I made 6 pretty good ones. And today I painted the orange dotted lines on them. Yeah I know. I probably could’ve actually made my twitch stream just about that - once I set up a nice workshop area and multiple camera setup, it’s coming!! My kitchen counter is covered with ataris right now #taraemory #atari2600 https://www.instagram.com/p/CmKKzo4uWfj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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