#As the slur word. Not as on the autism spectrum. But as ‘retarded’.

[lionblaze03-2]

Hate that I can prettymuch never move to any better country than America (Canada, Australia, New Zealand, etc) because they all hate people with autism and if you even have it they don’t let you in. Because they need all the disabled slots for the people born there, why would they take EXTRA ‘useless’ people, duhhh LIKE IM NOT USELESS I’m really good at organizing I’m not a massive burden to take on just because I cry sometimes my benefits and burdens kind of even out PLEASE guys. I don’t want to be stuck here during project 2025 onward

[ask-tss-runbabyrun]

a saturday morning in the group home

in case anybody is curious about what it is like to be roman and logan at this stage in their lives!

(let me know if you want to be on the tag list for this au! also, asks are open, so if you have any questions for any of the boys, feel free to drop them. :D)

---

Logan had heard the things they said about Roman behind his back. The conversations with doctors and specialists, the whispers and sideways glances. They thought Logan didn't understand, so they spoke in front of him. Sometimes, Logan thought, youth could be considered a weapon. 

“Intellectual disability…” 

“Autism spectrum disorder…” 

“Mental retardation…” 

Logan crossed his legs and pretended to be focused on his picture book, but really, he was committing every word he heard to memory. While he was not the best at remembering things word for word, he knew that the second he repeated these phrases to Roman, he would have them memorized for the next week. 

Roman was not dumb. The rest of the world just wasn't smart enough to get how he thought. Logan smiled to himself. He was smart enough. He was the only person in the world who was. 

—

Logan was tired of apples. But Roman hated them, and Mr. Picani got stern when children wasted food, so Logan choked them down and slid the rest of his pancakes over to Roman. 

“Roman, say them again,” Logan demanded. 

His brother, beautifully serene, tipped his head back slightly, his coily, dark brown hair bouncing back with it. His ever-intense eyes were narrowed with focus. Logan could not help but smile at the theatrics. Roman could recite in his sleep, but he always had to make it a show. But Logan couldn't blame him. It was the only thing he did that impressed anybody besides Logan. Of course he hung onto it like a livelihood. 

“Say them again,” Logan repeated, “And then you get my pancakes, okay?” 

That was enough bribery to convince Roman to get on with it. 

“Intellectual disability, autism spectrum disorder, mental retardation.” 

His voice, though conventionally musical, had a wateriness to it. Sometimes, his words slurred together, and when he spoke, he sounded a little bit like the other kids in Logan's class. Logan saw adults wince whenever Roman spoke, as if his existence was enough to upset them. When they stared at Roman, they looked ten years older. Logan wondered if that was why he acted the way he did.

“Logan, gimme the pancakes!” Roman begged, bouncing in his seat gleefully. 

He wasn't nervous. He knew Logan would not break his promise. Logan pushed the plate closer to him, and as he started to grab a pancake and tear into it, Logan gently swatted the top of his hand, absentmindedly passing him a fork and picking up the long-abandoned napkin on the floor, spreading it along Roman’s lap. 

“Use your fork, Roman,” Logan reminded his brother, only to be met with a groan. 

Logan yawned, tapping his palm against his mouth a few times so he could hear the whooshing that happened when his breath was rhythmically interrupted. Looking over at Roman, he wondered if he could hear it too. 

“Forks are dumb,” Roman said, gripping it with crooked, awkward fingers. “I can’t get it to work right.” 

“That’s because it’s in your right hand, Roman,” Logan said, his mind on other things. “You’re left-handed.” 

“I don’t want to be left-handed, though.” 

Logan opened the picture book that he had been using as a notebook for a few weeks now and gripped the pencil he found on the floor while getting breakfast, writing down the words Roman had repeated underneath a brightly colored house. 

“That’s too bad,” Logan replied, “You don’t choose what hand you get. You just use it.” 

Tapping the pencil against the book, Logan squinted as if it would help him think any better. These words all sounded familiar, but Logan was not sure why. They all seemed to go together in some way, but Logan did not know how. Logan was not an idiot. He knew that Roman was different from other kids. He went to fifth grade with the other ten year olds, but he came out with different homework from them. He still needed help tying his shoes while the other fifth graders double-knotted. And even though he pretended that he could, Roman could not read. Whenever Mr. Picani put a picture book in front of him, Roman just looked at the artwork and created a story of his own. It made Mr. Picani shake his head with worry, but Logan always smiled when he heard the stories. Without fail, they were always better than the ones that were on the page to begin with. 

“Logan, is today Saturday?” Roman asked. “Can it be Saturday today?” 

Logan nodded. Roman asked this every day, but today, he got lucky. 

“Yes, it’s Saturday,” Logan said, trying to hide the contempt from his voice. “After our therapy sessions, we can play all your favorite games, okay?” 

Roman exploded in celebration, and Logan tried as hard as he could not to roll his eyes. It wasn't playing games with Roman he disliked. In fact, that was his favorite part of the day. What marred Saturday for Logan was what came before that – therapy. 

His social worker, who doubled as his therapist, was bossy and pushy, which Logan supposed made him a good therapist, but quite an awful person. Logan didn't like him at all, and he wished his social worker was a woman. Then, at least, he could have hugged her and pretended that he had a mother. Logan didn't want a father. Fathers were stupid. 

After breakfast, Logan got up, threw away the trash he and Roman accumulated, and took Roman's hand, leading him into the bathroom. While Roman looked at his face in the mirror with ease, Logan had to climb onto a step stool just to see below his forehead. Roman grinned at himself as Logan turned on the water to the sink in front of him, washing his face and his hands with a professional precision. Logan liked looking clean and neat. It separated him from the other six-year-olds and reminded everybody around him that he was capable. He didn't need help. If he did, he would've still had a milk mustache above his lip.

[thetragicallynerdy]

We need to stop giving ableist people control over words in the first place. "Brainrot" is a fun word! However, the R word is NOT and the reason why the R word is not okay to say is because it has ties to eugenics and other nazi stuff. "Aspergers" is no longer a term being used because of the nazi scientist of that same name.

... alright, so there's a whole lot to deconstruct in this four sentence ask.

1) A word being "fun" is not, and never has been, a measure for how ableist (or racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, etc) it is. There are a whole lot of words that a ton of people believe are "fun" that are still slurs, and still shitty to say. "Brainrot" may be fun for you, but that doesn't fucking change the fact that it's ableist and based on negative views about disabled people with neurological disabilities. Please challenge your own understanding of what makes something ableist.

(On a personal note, as someone with a brain injury, someone coming into my inbox to defend an ableist term for neurological disorders because it's "fun" is so fucking offensive. Fuck off.)

2) Why are you assuming that the only thing that makes something ableist is ties to fascism, specifically Nazism?

The R-word is not okay to say because it is shitty to use derogatory terms - or ANY terms - for disability to make fun of someone. Because "mental retardation" was a term in the DSM (as late as 2013, when the DSM-V came out and replaced it with "intellectual disability.") And because it was, and continues to be, a derogatory term/slur for someone's intellectual abilities.

The R-slur has been in use since the 1400s, and very popular as a legal and medical term from the 1800s on - in many, many countries, (including the US, Canada, UK, etc) far before Nazi Germany existed. And believe me, I was there in the early 2000s when conversations about removing the R-slur from our language were first taking place, and “the r-word is nazi shit” was not a part of that conversation. The way that the Nazis treated disabled people was abhorrent, as is any form of eugenics. But the Nazis/other fascist regimes were not (and are not) the only governments capable of eugenics, and the R-slur was in use far, far before they came about, and for a long time after.

In a similar thread - yes, Hans Asperger had Nazi ties, but a very big part of why Aspergers is no longer used is because of growing research showing that it isn't separate from autism. It was removed from the DSM and made obsolete as a medical term in 2013 (again, with the DSM-5). To quote this article (by the National Autistic Society of the UK), "Historically, Asperger syndrome was used as a diagnostic term for some autistic people who did not also have a diagnosis of a learning disability. Broadly, it is now agreed that what was referred to as Asperger syndrome is part of the autism spectrum and there is no need for a separate term." Yes, the Nazi ties are part of why the term is no longer used socially, and it's great that there's that recognition! But it isn't the only reason. (And I would be extremely skeptical that it’s a reason why it fell out of use as a medical term.)

I'm saying this because it is remarkably dangerous to assume and conflate all ableism with fascism/nazism. Yes, fascism (including Nazism) is heavily, heavily ableist and eugenicist. We know that disabled people were part of the Nazi's genocide. We know that the Nazis were remarkably harmful to disabled people, and absolutely we should be examining the terms we use for ties to fascism. And, in case it isn't obvious, I am heavily condemning both the eugenics and the ableism (and all other aspects of Nazism - the antisemitism, the other racism, the homophobia and transphobia, etc).

However - however - non-fascists are just as fucking capable of ableism too. Non-fascists (include anti-fascists) are capable of ableism, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, and every other form of bigotry. If you believe that only fascists are capable of bigotry, then you will miss and ignore the work that needs doing in your own house. You will miss your own ableism, and your own bigotry, and that of your friends who you believe have the correct political views. (And yes, this includes literally every form of politics, I don't care how progressive you think you are, everyone has work to do on unlearning ableism and racism and sexism and transphobia and homophobia. Everyone.)

Which brings me back to the start! If the only reason that you think you need to stop using ableist terms (or any other slurs) is because they have ties to eugenics and fascism - then you have a lot of unlearning to do. You are, quite frankly, wrong. (And your statement that “brainrot” is “fun to say” shows me that you’ve got work to do.) There are plenty of ableist terms that aren't tied to either eugenics or fascism - and they're still shittty and harmful. You can cause harm even if you aren't a fascist or if you believe eugenics is wrong.

TLDR: 1) It doesn't matter how "fun" a word is, it can still be ableist/racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist etc. "Brainrot" is an ableist term, whether you like it or not. 2) Ableism is not just a tool of fascists, and you need to do some work on unlearning your own ableism.

(Footnote - I do want to note that I've talked about the DSM-5 a few times here - not because it's the be all and end all of medical terms and "what's an acceptable term" but because it's important to understand the role that medical terminology has when we're talking about ableism, and how medical terminology is used in regards to disability.)

[heterochromicnachos]

Serious post, please respond appropriately and respectfully in comments, tags, and reblogs.

The treatment of autistic people on the internet and autism in general is something that has been bugging me for months, and I am entirely disgusted with how people treat them.

Important things to know

Autism is something you are born with, and is not something that develops. It is not a disease, a virus, or anything contagious. It cannot be corrected, as there is nothing to correct. The development happens in the womb, and it is not the parent’s fault that their child is autistic. Main point, it CANNOT. CAN. NOT. be caused by vaccines.

Autism is a spectrum. Autistic people are like snowflakes, as no two are alike. Each autistic person is unique in their own way.

Autistic people can experience sensory overloads, where they are so overwhelmed that they shut down. How they shut down varies. This can occur in going nonverbal, having a meltdown, and much more.

Autistic people are not always disabled or unable to speak. Remember, autism is a spectrum. The people with the abilities to talk and speak are referred to as a high-functioning Autistic. The people who have difficulties with the previously mentioned things are not high functioning, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t autistic.

Now. Let’s talk about why this post exists.

It has recently come to my attention that a tiktok account is posting their daughter’s breakdowns to the platform. You heard me correctly, they are putting their child’s sensory overloads and vulnerable moments ONLINE. and they are essentially painting their child as a bad kid, when in reality they’re just autistic.

One such TikTok occurs on a Christmas, from the looks of it. The captions claim the child is upset because they didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas. While yes, that can warrant a meltdown, it’s a difference from a breakdown. Thw mother is sitting and recording this while the father antagonizes the child, taunting them. The child then goes to start hitting the adult, which causes them to THROW the child into the couch, from where the child begins to violently hurt themselves.

This is not the effect of an unruly child. This is the effect of a child being overwhelmed to the point of not understanding what’s happening anymore and is trying to take out their emotions in any way possible. And the reactions of the parents, recording a child SELF HARMING HERSELF and did NOTHING. I am genuinely livid, and I have the overwhelming urge to find that child’s parents and literally beat sense into them. (I will not act upon this urge, however.)

Upon further investigation of the video, every single adult present is recording this child having an overstimulated breakdown, and no one is doing anything to help. This isn’t dealing with an unruly child, this is borderline ABUSE.

These videos aren’t spreading awareness, they are demonizing their child and their mental difference all for the purpose of clout.

The next topic is the use of autism as an insult and a slur.

People have begun use the phrase “autistic” to essentially the same effect as the word “retarded.” They believe they can use a word to entirely make an opponent’s argument crumble because “they don’t know what they’re saying, they’re stupid.”

It pisses me off that people think this is okay. But the minute I make fun of someone’s depression to the same effect achieved with the “autistic” argument, I’m suddenly the bad guy. Yes, making fun of their depression is not nice, but the fact that making fun of someone’s autism is perfectly fine makes me want to scream.

Finally, the representation of autism in media and online.

Autism is basically the laughingstock of mental differences. People use it as an excuse to not get vaccinated. (Even I, with a severe fear of needles to the point of growing faint thinking about them, has to get vaccinated. We are attempting to find a way to get me vaccinated anyway) They use it to make others irrelevant, and they use it to make the younger generations look stupid, claiming it didn’t exist until we made it up.

Autism has continued to get a bad rep, and I needed to get all of this information into the world. The more people know about this mental difference, the better we can help he children with autism.

Thank you for reading.

[ble-ed-mo-re]

i hate how people who were recently diagnosed with high functioning adhd and autism throw around retard like its nothing when theyve never actually had that word used against them to suppress and undermine them. they throw it around like its some silly new badge to wear to their collection of slurs they can say as if that slur hasnt been used to dehumanize and oppress people who are severely mentally and neurologically disabled for years. like throughout my entire school life, literally down to fucking kindergarten, i was called a retard by both peers and teachers and refused help with anything because i was “a lost cause” due to my behaviours (which was also signs of csa that were ALSO ignored because i was a fucking retard according to those teachers)

and not to mention the whole “high functioning low functioning” discourse about “how useless those labels are” as if you people dont make fun of low functioning autistics and other people with neurological disorders. news flash, sometimes people are more disabled than you and need more help and support. so many of you people scream about how autism is a spectrum yet refuse to acknowledge that you do in fact have privilege over lower functioning autistics. i dont know how many times ive seen high functioning autistics say that “theyre not like THOSE autistics and that they can function normally” as if theyre more oppressed because “oh no someone compared me to those retards who cant cook or clean or take care of themselves or need a full time caretaker while i am a fully functioning adult who doesnt have to deal with any of that” like get fucked and stop trying to make yourself out to be the most oppressed ever

[dionysus-philosophy]

I'm basically screaming out to the void on this one. This is technically a vent where I accept criticisms and advice.

TW/CW: Mentions of abuse, violence, manipulation, general relationship conflict, mentions of suicide attempt and suicide in general, self harm, slurs, overdose, threats, mentions of ejaculation, sexual topics and acts, substance abuse, mild cussing, generally triggering content

Tags have been added to for those looking to block certain tags

Do not read if any of these topics trigger you!

My partner and I are polyamorous and we have been together for over 5 years. I have no partners (by choice because Im focusing on my self-growth) at the moment, and my partner has a few. One of them lives with us. It started under weird circumstances last summer that led to us inviting him to come live with us because he lived in a homeless shelter and was getting aggressive with other people. Whether you believe in the metaphysical or not, I have always had a tried and true intuition that was telling me that maybe we shouldn't allow him to live with us, but I can't argue that he shouldn't have housing because of a gut feeling (even though it's never incorrect), and leaving a fellow trans person on the streets left a bad taste in my mouth, so I allowed it.

Little run down of this person: he has a laundry list of conditions, including but not limited to BPD, bipolar disorder, kleptomania, autism, hallucinations, etc. He acts like a 15 year old at 21 and can never handle conflict, regardless if he's on his meds or talking with a therapist. He will also often twist whatever happened in a conflict to make himself look like the victim if he talks with a therapist or friends (only the ones we're not friends with) and they end up giving the wrong advice as a result and it just furthers the conflict. He is absolutely addicted to weed and alcohol (most times he takes them together) to the point of willing to deal with seizures to cope with shit his meds would have helped with because he developed a sensitivity to THC for a bit. I believe his addiction to weed has influenced his brain to the point of actual concern. He is a major hypocrite and knows this. He also downplays or outright denies my disabilities, what words are slurs, and what my upbringing was like. He yelled at me that spaz was not a slur when I, someone who has been called that a lot, said that it was. He is quick to use slurs in general, especially retard, despite my boundary of not saying that around me, but gets mad if I say it, despite being on the spectrum, too. He's even denied my transness because I am not so desperate to kill myself like he has been before (even though he missed the 8 horrible years of me being trans in public school with closed-minded parents where I actually almost did commit suicide because i felt alone and like i wasnt enough), am not on testosterone, and I'm generally fine being a bit more femme, even though I've said I kind of identify with the term twink to describe myself.

To make a long story short, he has repeatedly abused my partner in every possible way. My partner has risked harm to himself to try keeping this person alive because he has consistent refused to prioritize his medications in favor of testosterone (even though he has a great voice and passes well already, which is his main concern). We have kept him from cutting, from overdosing on medication, from setting himself on fire when we took the meds away, and hiding knives before he takes them and hides them for later use against us. This person has threatened violence against my partner and I, including threatening my partner with a knife (and admitting he did so to scare him, not because he actually wanted to hurt him). The ER doctor advised us to stay at a friend's house one night. This was when he sliced his hand open when trying to take back the knife he threatened my partner with, and we had to convince him to go because he refused to initially. When we honestly told the doctor that he tried to kill himself, that he was stopped, but injured himself with the knife he threatened to kill my partner with, he said they couldn't hold him unless he had intent to actually kill himself or hurt someone else while he was there, so that if he was returned home, we should stay at a friend's house. However, this person booked it when he could and then said the only way we were finding him was as a corpse. That was enough to put him in holding when he complied when found later. He does not respect the boundaries that he agreed to. The episode that resulted in a cut hand was over whether or not my partner came in me or not (weird thing to obsess over, especially when he could have asked me because he knows I don't lie and that I hate lying). And now, because I mentioned that I felt secure in myself in not needing hookups, he has completely acted out like a child. Sure, I said that, but more out of what the conversation was about and stating a fact about myself. There was no meaning behind it, and I never meant for it to come off a certain way. He first pretended like everything was fine and then bitched to my partner for hours about what i said, including using aggressive language in regards to me. And in all of the hypotheticals and past (resolved) problems he decided to bring up, he threatened violence against me, both for himself and to see how my partner would react. My partner is discouraging any violence, but refuses to take sides because this isn't his conflict and he doesn't want his partner to think that he is picking a side (because he has threatened suicide or violence if he even thinks that my partner doesn't agree with him).

I'm exhausted.

In the year I've known him, I'm seeing actual patterns of abuse, noticing that he does these things intentionally, having my own mother and friends (both with and without similar conditions) advise that he either needs to heal and do better or my partner will have to leave him for our safety. Even my partner is thinking of ending our lease early and going as far as moving to a different part of the country, if not just finding a different apartment and ending things with this person. The friends with BPD and bipolar are HORRIFIED of all the stuff they've either witnessed or heard me tell them. I wish I trusted my gut feeling more to set my foot down and I am angry every single day that my partner has to deal with this BS and there's nothing I can do to help him (at least not in a way that is actually productive). I try to be understanding of his conditions, and I know that especially with BPD, what looks like manipulation and abuse are often just trauma responses that they need help managing, but it's becoming too much. I'm tired of the abuse, the lying, the manipulation. I'm so fucking tired. My partner put himself in massive amounts of debt to find a better place after getting screwed over by a different landlord and has never asked this person for any repayment. He has even offered to pay for this person's entire trip back to his original state to stay with a friend because he will often act like he's breaking up with my partner, but when my partner does everything to try and accommodate his feelings and take on every moving cost to keep him from attempting suicide once he's settled, he'll turn it around and act as if my partner is trying to break up with him.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm done with the mind games, I'm tired of seeing my partner be spent to his last thread trying to help this person only for all our efforts to be in vain because he cannot do the bare minimum when we give him so many opportunities to go to therapy, get back on his meds, and better cope with his conditions. I try to remind myself that when he is doing these things, it's not what he truly thinks or wants to do, but we can't keep doing this especially when he has admitted to doing abusive things intentionally, and my partner refuses to prioritize his well-being. All abuse resources often give advice relating to "average" people and none for when a person's mental problems are worse than just depression. Does anyone know what to do? I'm at my wits end here, and I'm genuinely lost.

[thousandyearphantombunker]

This is going to be different from my other posts

People who use the term aspie and aspergers aren't spreading rhetoric (I am lesbian hispanic and obviously have autism- pretty suffice to say i'm not a nazi) this is basically the same bs as "Your a vegan? Hitler was a vegan! You must like hitler!" It's dumb

People who use the term autistic instead of person with autism aren't defining defining there whole identity around their disability

People who use the term on the spectrum aren't stupid or cringey

Some people with autism are okay with jokingly being called retard/retarded others aren't. When in doubt just don't do it unless your really close and the person won't snap at you for it.

Same goes for things like the n word and calling a girl a B or someone LGBT queer (some see these as slurs others i've seen use them to refer to friends and don't care who says it. it's different depending on the person and how you use the term and you shouldn't be try and choose what terms people are offended by)

God let people use the language that feels natural to them, some people were given the diagnosis of aspergers when that was the term for the disorder. Some people say on the spectrum because the labels of high and low functioning feel misleading.

This post isn't a pass of using slurs on your friend who's black or calling your gf a B- I'm saying you shouldn't decide what offends people for them.

[rottendyke]

These are all also things that I have been asked or have been said to me about both my physical disability and autism that have made me immensely fucking uncomfortable and that you should just,,, never ask or say to a disabled person. Other disabled folks feel free to add on anything you've experienced

Things regarding my physical disability:

so like, what's wrong with you? / what did you do? (thanks for asking I literally don't know and have been the medical anomaly of the family for years)

I'd that for fashion or do you actually need it? (in reference to my cane)

OMG ARE YOU OKAY? (yelled down a hallway at me the first time I used a wheelchair at college on a very bad pain day, by somebody who already knew I was disabled??? Mostly not okay because like why the fuck would you just yell that it puts the individual in a hella awkward situation)

If you don't use it you loose it (both said to me on days where I've rarely left my bed/desk due to pain and also during the first day of me using a wheelchair at college)

But you're too young for that!

Wait until you get to my age! (said by an able bodied middle aged dude)

It's probably because of all THAT (said whilst gesturing to my scars)

It's probably growing pains (I'm a whole ass adult. I have not grown since I was like 14)

You're just lazy

You just need to exercise

Have you tried yoga/meditation/mindfulness/essential oils/various supplements

It's probably just all in your head

But you can walk

If you can walk why do you use a cane/wheelchair (because walking HURTS, Karen)

Yeah but I bet you're not as bad as me/I know you're not as bad as me (mostly said by my dad who thinks his occupational induced pain in his shoulder compares to the fact my legs DON'T WORK PROPERLY)

Okay so can you feel THIS *violent kick in the shin* (said and done after I mentioned that the nerves in my legs are fucked up and I sometimes don't feel pain from injuries. For anyone curious yes I felt it)

You're probably exaggerating (thanks Karen, that did wonders for my already severe self doubt)

Well that probably doesn't make it any better! (said because I smoke, as a coping mechanism BECAUSE of my various illnesses and disabilities)

Things people have said to me because I'm autistic + a few said to me because of my mental illness:

Ew, why are you chewing on that like a dog/baby? (in reference to me using a chewy stim toy)

Why are you doing that? (in reference to me flapping my hands to stim

Why do you do such HORRIBLE things? (said by a parent who was well meaning but worded it badly in reference to a new stim I picked up)

Can you stop doing that? It's annoying (shaking my leg as a stim)

Why are you being such a weirdo? (my sister. I was dissociated out of my shit and it was visible)

(tw R-slur) Various people calling me some variation of retard or retarded, mostly as a child.

Overall being treat like a child by some people when they find out

Oh so THAT'S why you're so good at art (said in a way meant to basically discredit the fact that I spent fucking years practicing to get to the point I'm at)

You're not autistic, you're too intelligent

You can't be autistic because you're not exactly like this other autistic person I know because they showed different symptoms/couldn't mask as well as me

You only started acting autistic once you got diagnosed so clearly you're putting this on

Yeah but like, autism is a spectrum and everyone's a little bit autistic so it can't be THAT bad for you

Yeah but you're high functioning so you're basically allisitc passing (yes. I was genuinely subjected to seeing the phrase "allisitic passing" so now you have to see it too)

You can't have all of that wrong with you!

If you're autistic why aren't you good at maths?

(tw R-slur) somebody genuinely asking me to give them a "retarded pass" so they could say it whenever they wanted. I told them to go fuck themselves

If you're really autistic why weren't you diagnosed as a kid?

Got called a window licker which seems to be something that only people in my area use as a slur for autistic people

*insert slur or ableist stereotype here* isn't that bad! You're just too sensitive

I'm aware this is a long post but this isn't even half of the utter bullshit I have heard coming from abled peoples mouths. Anyways as I said before if anyone else has anything to add feel free!

[catnippackets]

Was raised by very closed minded people so I’m sorry in advance if this is insensitive please forgive me I’m still learning this stuff but you don’t seem autistic? Is it different from retardation? Is retardation even a real thing or a slur? Sorry google isn’t helpful please forgive me if I offended I promise that’s not my intent

alright that word is incredibly offensive and outdated so please never use it again to me. autism is a spectrum and there’s many different ways to be autistic, not just the limited obvious ways that the media has shown us. if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person; we’re all slightly different. if you’re not educated in how diverse autism is then it can be easy to mistake an autistic person on the internet for an allistic one, but I promise you we know what we’re talking about and you just need to learn more about it. I have some posts about it on my blog under the tag “autism” if you’d like to read more on it ^^

[delusion-of-negation]

also, dogwhistles are A Thing, there are a million ways people use language as a slur that aren't slurs to anyone else, like if you say "it's rhino hunting season" vs "it's rino hunting season" you are saying very different things. that's not even a marginalised minority, there are so many ways this applies to minorities where even "they" can be used as a slur for jewish people. the desire to have distinct "this is a slur" and "this is not" categories where specific words are always in one or the other is entirely nonsense. heck even the n-word is used in a completely non-slur way when you're singing a rap song, quoting a book, or you're a black person yourself and you're referring to a friend without the hard r. if I say "lmao sorry I'm on my retard mode today" as an autistic person, I'm using it in a way that's definitely derogatory but it's generally accepted as fine because I've reclaimed it and it's not on par with other slurs in the first place, and when I overheard a french lady on the phone with bad signal repeating "il est retard" she wasn't using it as a slur or derogatory at all, that's just a french word that has nothing to do with autism and she was saying that he was slow or late because of (iirc, but don't quote me on it) traffic, but if somebody says "you're a fucking retard" to me then that's a slur, and when my ex was like "I'm allowed to say retard because my brother and [partner, he did not use the correct pronouns] are autistic" then used it casually like "caring about celebrities is so retarded" that was definitely overstepping a line, even though a big chunk of autistic people are comfortable with casual usage, the bitterness and presumptuousness of his tone, combined with his poor respect for the aforementioned autistic people in his life, made it contextually not okay. that doesn't mean we have to ban french people and autistic people from saying a word, that means we have to address the insititutional issues that embolden people to use particularly harmful words so callously. once I had to censor the word schizo in a server, in the comment "I'm a schizo-spectrum person, and it's literally the word for our disorders, so banning all use of it doesn't make sense", and that's fucking ridiculous.

What is or isn’t a slur can be highly contextual, y'all.

“Jonny Sims bummed a fag off my ma” doesn’t contain a slur, but “What are you, some kind of fag?” does.

“Queer studies”, “the queer community” and “I’m queer”? Not a slur. Some bigot calling you a “dirty queer”? Slur.

“Be gay, do crimes” and “He’s gay” ≠ slur, but “Ew, that’s so gay” = slur.

In conclusion, stop buying into this fucking “q slur” bullshit. Queer people talking about the queer community aren’t using it as a slur any more than a gay man calling himself gay is using that term as a slur.

[castrateurfate]

just admit that you've never been a verbally abused disabled person and shut the fuck up thanks. listen to people when they tell you what is abelism, you're not as smart as you think you are! :D

i am a verbally abused disabled person, i have spoken in-length before about my trauma in regards to both domestic and institutional abuse on the basis of both my mental and physical dissabillities.

i also believe that you can be a victim of abuse, even if your abuser has a personality disorders. whether or not your abuser has a personality disorder, if you have been a victim of their abuse then you have been a victim of abuse.

and i will 100% disagree that the word "narcissist" is an ableist slur.

narcissist is a name given to someone who is selfish and holds an exaggerated standard of self-importance, often putting themselves or their family/group above that of other people on the basis of ego alone. these people can be anywhere on the spectrum of empathy or sympathy or nuerodivergent or not. this is usually seen in older generations who feel like they're entitled to respect on the basis of being older. e.g. karens. usually, these people can unlearn this trait over a period of time, usually in regards to a traumatic or similar life changing event such as the loss of a loved one or witnessing something traumatic.

however, NPD is a personality disorder which is the result of abuse as a child, either through, for a lack of a better term, excessive lovebombing or excessive punishments. there is much more it than that, but from my own research these two seem to be the most mentioned factors. NPD can be treated, not cured, through DBT, CBT or various types of psychodynamic psychotherapy.

the adjective of "narcissist" is alien to that of the personality disorder, unlike words that can be used in a derogatory sense such as "scizho" and "psycho" or commenly used ableist slurs such as "retard". the personality disorder was named after the word, the word wasn't named after the personality disorder.

unlike other personality disorders like BPD or ASPD, there is debate whether or not that NPD is actually a dissabillity or not as many people with NPD don't really report it affecting their day to day lives. if they have another issue like autism then there can be issues with that, but relatively nuerotypical people with NPD don't seem to have much issue with their day to die life. unlike the other disorders i mentioned before.

calling someone a narcissist is not ableist. this is just tiktok and twitter drama that arrose from the depths of bullshit, used so virtue signallers can pat themselves on the back for pretending to care about disabled people for yet another day.

don't drag this bullshit on tumblr. we will bite you.

[leagueoflegends-confessions]

So this one game, the enemy team had taken ten of our towers, and my team had only taken out four. I'm ADC and I'm pretty fed, so I push lanes and defend the last damn tower when I need to. And the Zac on our team just bitches at me all game for not being with the team, when this long-ass game would've been over a LONG time ago if not for my defensive play, but nope, clearly I'm the idiot here, not everyone else constantly jumping into 4v5s. Somehow we won though...

Confession by @your-friendly-neighborhood-sc00t

Mod Note under cut (tw: ableism)

The original confession, as written, contains a segment in which the Zac refers to the confessor as ‘retarded and autistic’ (in quotes so it was clearly directly from that player, not the author’s own words). While it’s appreciated that a distinction was made, the mod team would rather err on the side of caution and keep such slurs out of our confessions. As someone who is on the autism spectrum myself, its continued use as an insult especially on my own native server disgusts me and I will not tolerate it. Call this decision ‘censorship��� if you want, but we here are dedicated to upholding the principles of this blog and would rather avoid perpetuating the toxicity of League and risking offending any of our followers. - Mod Gazooki

[anrbackchannels]

Autism Acceptance in A:NR

Autism acceptance month is this month (April), so I’ve put together a little primer on autism for the Android: Netrunner community with some suggestions on how to make A:NR events more accessible.  I’m no expert, but I’m an adult on the spectrum whose special interest is A:NR, and since nobody seems to be talking about this I figured I would.

I think I’ve only made it through all the swiss rounds in three A:NR events of the dozen or so I’ve played in.  It’s always an ordeal for me to prepare for an event. I’m not a competitive player, so I don’t worry about being at the top of my game or gauging the meta.  I worry about what the space will be like, when I get breaks and for how long, and where I can go to have a meltdown/shutdown.  I worry about how many people will be there, what (precisely) will be expected of me, and I worry whether I’ll be having a ‘good day’; that is, a day where my symptoms are less severe - all among other things that will ruin my fun and have nothing to do with the game.  It is not a wonder that I tilt easily and if I leave an event without crying, I consider that a victory.  I don’t think it has to be this way.

Without a basic understanding of Autism Spectrum Disorders, this post will be hard to understand.  ASD is a disability that manifests in five different aspects of a person’s life: sensory processing, cognition, motor skills, language/communication, and social behaviors.  Each autistic person is autistic in a unique way.  I, for example, have a lot of difficulty with sensory processing and cognition, minor difficulties with language, and when I socialize I can more or less pass as an awkward neurotypical person most of the time, but it is really exhausting.  Therefore, my needs for accommodation are unique, but there are some ways that organizers and participants can make things more accessible for all autistics.

For Organizers:

Providing a tolerable venue:

Input from our senses can be overwhelming or hard to understand.  We can struggle to sort background ‘noise’ from the input that is relevant to the task at hand.  We could be distracted, or hurt really, by a particularly offensive smell, recurrent sound, light, or texture and it is hard to function when there are very high levels of sensory input.  That said, I think game stores, where most A:NR is played (at least in the states), are my hell-on-earth.  Here’re some guidelines for making an environment more accessible for autistics.

Eliminate background noise as much as possible

Use non-fluorescent lighting

Keep things clean, BUT

Don’t use strong smelling chemicals

Crowds are really overwhelming so be mindful of what you think the actual, accessible participant capacity is.

be mindful of other events happening at the same place on the same day.

Have a separate, more sensory-friendly space where autistics can go to escape overstimulation.

Providing structure:

I don’t function well without structure.  Ambiguity, sudden changes, and inconsistencies are all more difficult to cope with as an autistic person and they’re also a part of every event I’ve been to.  All A:NR events have timed rounds, which is a great start.  But how much time will be between rounds?  How many rounds will there be?  Will there be a break to eat/drink/replenish?  I understand some of these things can’t be determined until the turnout is accounted for, but making this information available will make the event easier to navigate for autistics.  More of my brain power can go towards the boardstate when I’m not rattled and trying to cope with a sudden change that happened before the round even began. Again, some guidelines:

Make a schedule available ASAP

Announce it and make it accessible, an autistic person might not have the ability to ask about what’s happening next, so don’t try to wing it if you don’t have to.

Give a 2-5 minute warning before every major transition during the event.

Stick to the schedule as closely as possible.

For Everyone:

Here are some guidelines for being a good ally (after ASAN’s):

In general:

Understand the basics of what autism is and is not.

Don’t use slurs like retard/retarded.

Don’t use functioning labels (high/low) for us.

Respect our boundaries.

Respect stimming (see the stims section below).

At events:

Avoid using strongly scented perfumes, shampoos, etc.

Be mindful with flash photography.

Be willing to make extra effort to communicate with us effectively.

Stims (not the drugs):

Stims are a beautiful and necessary part of our lives.  If you’ve played a game of Netrunner with me, you might have asked yourself “Why did she just close her eyes, clench her fists and say ‘blblblblblblblblbblllllaaaaaahhhh... ocelot, ocelot, ocelot...’?”  The short answer is: it feels good.  It’s an example of stimming, which helps us calm or express ourselves and regulate our senses.  Stims create desirable sensory input for us to focus on.  They can be repetitive movements like chewing, rocking back and forth, or flapping hands or they can be verbal like humming or repeating sounds, words, or phrases.  Try not to be alarmed and don’t try to prevent any harmless stims.  Stimhack would be an awesome name for an autistic Netrunner group if it weren’t already taken.

There are definite limitations to the scope of accessibility I can address here.  My emphasis here on sensory issues, predictability, and acceptance largely reflects my own needs.  Most autistics have co-morbid conditions like anxiety or depression and some have learning disabilities.  Some autistics need communication aids.  Many other disabilities are important too, but I’m not really knowledgeable enough to advocate for them here.  I hope that, with increased accommodation and acceptance, many more disabled people will be playing in our community; and that disabled people, especially autistics, will not be left out of broader conversations on diversity and social justice in gaming.

[conn-tinuity]

I'll write a few things here, because you've given me a very generalised question. I recommend going to my main blog @wonderavian and searching autism and autistic on it for more information/check out some of the blogs I've reblogged from that are focused on being autistic.

Autism is itself a gradient. You're more likely to hear it being referred to as a spectrum, but gradient is typically the beat way to describe it. One person may have more traits and symptoms than another. They may have traits and symptoms that are more noticeable than another. There is a great article that describes it better than I can, but I can't find it at the moment.

Autistic people are all different from one another. Just because you've met one autistic person it doesn't mean you're suddenly an expert on autism. You certainly don't get to speak over us and for us. Support us. Repeat what we say.

Don't support autism speaks. They're a hate group with not even one autistic person on their board. They want us eradicated.

Don't use person first language. Say 'autistic' instead of 'has autism' or 'on the autism spectrum'. Also don't use the word 'retard' or any of its rieterations in any context. It's been recognised as an ableist slur.

Stimming. It's not noticeable in everyone, but autistic people usually stim in some way or another, some common ways being flapping our arms, using a fidget toy, music or some other kind of sound, tapping or fiddling with things, chewing on things, rocking, etc. I myself need to chew on things a lot, I'm even doing right now. Unfortunately I don't have anything made to chew on yet, so I've always been chewing on the skin inside my mouth. Autistic people stim in response to pretty much anything, whether we are in a pleasing situation or a negative one. Some people stim more than others. It's usually possible to tell if the stim is a response to positive sensory input or situation, or negative. Sometimes the stim can be completely neutral, like me chewing right now.

Sensory overload. It's nasty. It can range from discomfort to pain. Sound, touch, taste, smell and sight are all sensory input capable of overwhelming us. For example. Nails on a chalkboard? That, but a hundred times worse. Meltdowns are often results of sensory overload. We don't have control over them. We are not 'throwing a tantrum' or trying to 'get attention'. We are in pain. Some other responses are to freeze/flinch/go non-verbal, etc. It can also be incredibly draining. I often become exhausted after recieving too much sensory input. It's part of why we typically don't like being around many people and/or crowds. Earlier today I got a rock in my shoe and I wanted to cut off my foot. Yesterday my clothes were the wrong texture and I wanted to either remove my skin or stab myself in the stomach to get rid of the feeling.

Social interactions. Most of our perceived 'awkwardness' or accidentally being rude and/crass comes from simple ignorance. We just don't know what is expected of us. We don't know or understand the weird intricate rituals that allistics want and expect from us. It's not our fault. If we ask why what we did was rude, we're not trying to be a dick about it. Tell us so we can try to remember it for the future. Taking things literally can also be a part of general confusion. We don't know what we're expected to say to a particular question or perhaps joke/something that might be sarcasm, so we answer literally as a defense mechanism. It seems to be the response with the least potential of getting us in trouble/being disapproved of.

How much we talk. We are typically either non-verbal, semi-verbal, or hyper-verbal. We don't have much control over that, though we are often forced to talk if we don't want to or can't at all, and vice versa if we are hyper-verbal. Some of us also don't have a lot of volume control, which leads to us getting in trouble a lot.

We have different ways of communication other than just talking. Body language is big, also particular gestures. Sign language may be easier for some people. Making 'weird and random noises' is an autistic thing.

Eye contact usually sucks. Ranges from discomfort to pain.

We are typically/on average more creative/analytical/intelligent than people who are not autistic. Some of us are not, and that is fine. Unfortunately those of us who have trouble academically are all too often punished for it.

Special interests. Topics or hobbies that we love to focus on, a lot. They are typically very calming to engage in. Mine has always been Pokemon/video games and reading.

Masking - the act of pretending to be neurotypical when interacting with other people and/or being an public, etc. It's incredibly draining, but it's generally better than being outed in a potentially dangerous situation, getting admonished or punished by your parents, when you're interviewing for a job, etc. Most of us have our visible traits beaten out of us by the time we're teenagers, or even earlier.

Acceptance and appreciation, not awareness. It's a different operating system, not an error. Most of us don't want a cure, because being autistic is a big part of who we are, and to lose it would mean losing a great part of ourselves; our autism has helped shaped who we've come to be. Some of us don't want to be autistic, for one reason or another, and that is also more than fine, especially if their lives would be easier for it.

Autistic people have always been accomadating for allistic people and their 'needs.' The least you can do is accomadate ours. Not only is disability in the context of the environment, but we can handle the world - we just need the world and the people and systems in it to stop being ableist and also provide us the accessibility and other things we need to be able to live in peace.

This got longer than I thought it would be, and these points are just some things off the top of my head. I recommend scrolling through @spongebob-autisticquestions for more random quirks. You can ask them any questions too, they won't mind just as long if you are polite. They are one of my favourite autistic bloggers. Again, you can also ask me too.

As for actually writing an autistic character? I write them how using myself as a template, i.e how I would respond to a situation. I keep in mind their personality and how that affects their decisions and responses. I expand on autistic traits seen in canon such as stunning or reactions to sensory input, or how they react and interact with other people. For allistic folk such as yourself (I'm assuming you are even after reading your tags) I would first focus on what makes the characte autistic and go from there. Try to take their autism into account when writing their reactions, interactions, what they do in their free time, how they work, etc.

I hope that helps.

If I read one more fic with an autistic character that is clearly written by someone who doesn't know how to write an autistic character I am going to fucking lose it.

[bingespammy]

I read something a few days back, an article (note that I’m not sure if the info is correct) that said idiot, imbecile and moron used to be the slurs used against people in the Autism Spectrum or similar mental disabilities, then a more positive term was created “mental retardation” which was for a while the medical term but soon devolved into the “retarded“ slur, then autism replaced that one as the positive term and it looks like the same thing is about to repeat itself.

Maybe changing the word has no effect if the discrimination keeps being a pervasive issue? Maybe the root of the problem is deeper than the terminology used? I have no idea what it means but it’s something to think about I guess

[chatting-leaves]

Somebody From The Internet (4/?) - Something Extra, Yet Lacking

Potential TW: A slur, said in context of an antagonist.

September 15, 2011 - Washington, DC

To try to describe the beginning of this story is one that involves a whole spectrum of emotions, in fact the concept of a spectrum is one that defines this story. I awoke to orderly chaos as this was my last full day as an unmarried man, my then-fiance and I had a midday flight to Miami en route to our wedding, held aboard a docked cruise ship before departing for a weekend cruise to The Bahamas. It was an all-in-one solution of sorts for us, a cash-strapped couple given that for much of the last year I had been living off of unemployment and savings. My future in-laws, their second spouses and children, Dad, and my stepmom were joining us, my teenage future brothers-in-law a late addition while my Mom sat this trip out. While trying to stay calm in the rush of last minute packing and the inevitability of lugging a wedding gown through National Airport, I turned to Twitter for some relief. In this, I looked through the tweets of a mutual follower of my future wife and I and saw someone with an interesting name.

"Trisomy21Mommy". A clear declaration that this person was the mother of a child with what commonly is called Down Syndrome.

I grew up in an area where growing up the main employer was a since-closed institution for the disabled and between administrative offices, day centers, and group homes the care of the disabled is a bedrock of the local economy. My mom worked as a member of the local disabled care industrial complex, alternating between the institution and later day centers, and exposed me to those who were the beneficiaries of her work. In high school, my district became a magnet for special needs students from our and neighboring districts as we had a system of including those with differences stemming in part from a beloved teacher having a child with Down Syndrome. To be so public with your status as a special needs parent, at least in 2011, automatically won my respect. without much of a second thought. I immediately started a conversation with this person, relating my experiences on the matter and sharing my views on how the establishment of a formalized "Autism Spectrum" created issues as society had not equipped itself to deal with those on the spectrum as teenagers and adults. She listened and I then aired out my fears of having a child with severe special needs, that "the writers backstage" - a term I used to allude to a higher power - would put me in a position where "if I had to carry them and change [their diapers] for 20+ years, so be it." The conversation then went into direct messages and I found out who "Trisomy21Mommy" was.

The woman behind the handle was a named Carrie and resided in an edge city inside the "Golden Horseshoe" region of Ontario, a catch-all term used to graft areas adjacent to Greater Toronto into a mega-region. Carrie was a freelance writer in her mid thirties but the main focus of her life was her then five year old son, Nathan who as her name alluded to had Down Syndrome. Raising him alone aside from having an elderly parent living with her for the idea of some sort of help, Nathan was Carrie's main focus in life given the minefield of getting him services and special treatments, a process no doubt hurt by a medical mystery that happened about eighteen months earlier.

"One day, Nathan woke up to find that the speech he had gained, after much therapy and prompting was gone. Within the next few days, most of the motor skills he had gained also were gone. The doctors at [the local children's hospital] came back with an additional diagnosis of autism and no timeline on if he ever would regain what he lost."

Part of me saw this person as living the nightmare that I had dreaded, that if my soon-to-be-married self was to have kids, that I might have this to look forward to. The other part of me had some suspicion that something else might be in play, that such a cognitive regression usually doesn't hold off until one was four years old. While I continued our conversation while on the flight to Miami and during a period that night where the hard motel bed gave me little ability to sleep, I put her behind me for what was to be one of the happiest weekends of my life. 

After a weekend soaked in sunshine and alcohol, where I swam with dolphins, spent time with my new family, and had all-around fun, it was time to return stateside and make the trek home. No later than as our car pulled out of the economy parking lot at National Airport, I got a message from Carrie.

"I had a dream about you last night. Maybe you should be with me instead, Nathan can really use a daddy and you sound like you really want to be in Canada."

My jaw flat out dropped. I was brazenly being hit on for totally altruistic reasons by a woman I knew for four days who knew I had just gotten married. While I had spoken highly about Canada and its more egalitarian way of life in our prior conversations, I didn't know how to handle something that escalated so fast.

"If only this was two years ago :-P. Seriously, don't do this again." was the best I could muster. Needless to say, this was the last time she hit on me in such a manner but it was still a shock though she soon opened up about why she'd do such a thing. After spending most of her twenties traveling the world, Carrie decided to settle down with a man she had not known well with the aim of a large family. After two miscarriages, she had a viable child, that being Nathan. Needless to say, her "sperm donor" as she referred to did not want any part in a child that was "crippled" and "retarded", the latter term coming right as that word went from medical term to slur. He soon separated from her to live with his parents and when Nathan was eighteen months old abandoned his wife and child, clearing out their joint bank accounts in the process. The fallout left Carrie penniless and forced her to move in with her living parent while living off the safety net of the province as Nathan's needs and therapies made finding work problematic. At least Nathan had gotten into a kindergarten at a school well equipped for students with disabilities and Carrie at least got some respite from having a life totally centred on her son.

"Last I heard, the Sperm Donor was living somewhere up north. A friend of his wrote to me a couple weeks ago telling me that he has a "real" wife and "normal" kids and has no need for a...I can't say that word, it's so hurtful. He isn't...that," Carrie summarized up the status of a man that she was still legally married to as his status in hiding, under an assumed name, made termination of their marriage impossible. At this point, I began to look at things with some suspicion seeing how almost robotic this whole situation seemed.

In time, Carrie became a good friend as she was the sort of person who would vent to anyone about anything, that any sympathetic ear would do given that her interaction with people outside a parent slowly going into dementia and a son unable to speak was quite limited. She had a lot to say, however she often had an awkward means of saying it and a very simplistic view of getting things done.

"Why do you want to move out to Boston?," she once questioned me when I was openly going on about my wife's wishes to move closer to her family. "You should move up here, Canada is just a better place than the US is since all I hear on the news is about how bad and cruel the US is."

"I don't think immigration works that way. We'd need $10,000 to start and a job offer and my wife is the one more likely to get a job offer," I said knowing that her experience in bioethics and such would put us over the line for points in the CIC's grading system for immigrants.

"I wish I could take you guys in. You Americans really are like abused dogs," Carrie would reply. "Hell, I wish I could make my apartment a shelter for Americans wanting out of their shitty nation." This from a woman that had not been to the US in about a decade, since before she got married even, and whose passport was about to lapse. "If you moved here, you would be able to sponsor her family to join you."

"I think most of them would be disqualified based on age, lack of experience, or due to health issues," I rebutted. While they have since been relaxed, at the time Canada had health controls that would zonk even people who were otherwise golden from moving; another online friend of this time period had to refuse a highly specialized job in Vancouver due to - coincidentally - an autism diagnosis as a child that they had overcome. A firm lost what would've been a great LGTBQ lawyer because of legacy stereotypes written decades earlier.

"Well, that shouldn't be an issue. Just a couple of weeks ago these people moved into my building from Hong Kong and they had the flu and legacy issues from SARS," Carrie responded, blind to the realities of the bureaucracy that Toronto and Ottawa put on her idealistic wishes. Her idealism, her almost blind nationalism to Canada as a nation even, seemed to be a bit of a mask for how things failed her as she soon took to the internet with the story of what really went on with Nathan's birth or at least what she thought happened. Via an anonymous Tumblr blog, she assailed the hospital where he was born for openly downplaying a telltale sign of Down Syndrome that was found during her twenty week checkup, leaving her to believe that she was carrying a healthy baby until when she delivered and her child was whisked away to the NICU for tests. By her own claim, she wasn't told of his diagnosis until two days after he was born and she didn't get to see him until his third day of life. "If I knew this was going to happen, I might have gotten an abortion and have tried again," Carrie summed up, a stark contrast to her railing against the selective abortion of fetuses found to have disorders in utero.

This story, and the general failure and neglect that led to it, led me to want to change my professional course. My caring, yet very rash and desperate, mind decided that what the world needed was counseling for parents and siblings facing a child that was disabled, someone for them to steer them down the right path and even act as a sympathetic ear. While this had been peppered via life experiences and assorted articles, what Carrie endured as a result of Nathan's life was the last straw in not doing anything. I eventually enrolled in an online Masters program, but found as I went on that my idealism was nowhere near reality in terms of making anything work and walked away from what I wanted to do because frankly society had little idea in how to handle it.

As time went on, Carrie's life story got more and more complicated as it was clear that she needed an identity outside of being a self-proclaimed "special needs momma". She tried to get into advocacy, but her ability to travel was hampered by an ailment that left her "medically unable to drive" and dependent on the kind gestures of others more than her testing the bounds of her own independence. She briefly returned to the dating world, exclaiming to me as I was in the middle of my move that she found "someone": a woman, even though she had exhibited zero signs of bisexuality beforehand.

"Given my luck with men, why not?," Carrie exclaimed. True to form with Carrie, the relationship turned out to be an online infatuation that was done after a mere two days, she then pressed on further in life. Being shoved aside was an action that Carrie was no stranger to, between her strained relationship with her siblings for having a "handicapped" child to being estranged by her husband to even losing most of her friendships in the wake of Nathan's birth, real life relationships supplanted by the support web of assorted Down Syndrome and autism parents populating assorted corners of the internet. I gave the emotional support that I could, but sometimes something seemed to be a bit off, as if nothing logically added up. The backstory of Nathan's early years, Carrie's life before Nathan's birth, even how Carrie's life was truly sustainable between her limitations and her son's needs making any typical job an obstacle to obtain.

In time, Carrie's parent that had been living with her declined to the point that they were admitted into a care facility, funded in part I would think by her relatively well-off siblings. While this freed Carrie of the second burden of her life, it also created a problem as the governmental Pension Plan checks she had gotten as well as other subsidies were allowing them to live where they were. As if on cue, Carrie fell for a man who lived in a town on the shores of a nearby Great Lake, a man a little older than she who had two children from a prior marriage whom he had primary custody of. She needed a chance to love again, his kids needed a mother figure, Nathan needed a father figure, the whole thing on paper made a ton of sense.

The relationship lasted about two years, the potential step-children didn't warm up to Carrie as an additional mother figure, and in time this man grew tired of Carrie and the way she came off to him. While they broke up in late winter, he did let her stay until that summer so she could let Nathan (by this point age 9) finish the school year as he had made leaps and bounds in his growth, speaking his first words since the loss of his language five years earlier and regaining the last of the motor skills he had lost in his regression. By some good luck, Carrie and Nathan, now once again alone, moved into an apartment in the same town so he would not have to once again change schools.

By the time of the breakup, I mentally started to check out of the friendship because of how repetitive things had gotten. Carrie constantly second guessing her parenting of Nathan, that her circumstances weren't getting him the best care available as the latest treatments and therapies and even things such as one-on-one helpers and respite care were out of her, and the province's, reach. Things that even her American friends, amongst their flawed and fraying educational and healthcare systems, often took for granted, yet Carrie would rarely let a chance pass to be pitying of Americans and to pound her chest about the Canadian way of doing things being vastly superior. Add in some obsessions of the moment, most infamously a period where she fangirled over the TV series Supernatural and cited it as a reason that Nathan regained some of his speech, and it became repetitive. I love people, I care about people, but it just felt like she was stuck in a cycle and she didn't want to get out of it.

Just in time for this, it was discovered that Nathan had a bone disorder that was prone to fractures. At one point, Nathan had both arms in a cast for weeks after both had severe fractures. Once those bones healed, he ended having fractures occur in both of his knees and ended up spending a summer in hospital in a cast having them heal before ending up using a wheelchair for what turned out to be a couple of years. During this period, they moved into a rented house that was accessible as a replacement for the second floor apartment they had been living in. It was also during this period, to compensate for the increased lifting of Nathan around the house that Carrie took up a new hobby, weightlifting to increase her strength. It was around this time that we reconnected, she having rededicated what social media she was still on to her goal to become a champion weightlifter while my wife and I went on a weight loss journey. 

The definite end of my friendship with Carrie came via one of the most bizarre ways a friendship could end. In Nathan's younger years, Carrie was the sort of parent who would go on and on about the years-long struggle of toilet training her son, an often Herculean task given his cognitive and communication disorders. Considering his long road learning to regain use of his legs after a complex corrective surgery, I had a mere question to ask.

"How does he communicate how to go to the bathroom given his speech and mobility difficulties?" I remember that when he was in a cast that his training was put on pause given his bedridden state so logically I assumed that he still wasn't at first.

Somehow, this turned into an over-detailed message thread on Instagram that went fifteen messages of stupidly curious, potentially borderline pandering, questions when an easy "actually, this whole thing got him out of diapers for once and for all, here's how" would have easily sufficed. This interaction ended up being her cue to exit a friendship that had long run its course, a friendship that I was too reluctant to leave given that I usually am not the sort of person to do so. Soon I found myself blocked on said venue, a whimper of an end to a friendship that was roaring. Bizarrely enough, Carrie didn't block me on any other form of media we were still friends on, she is still mutuals on the side account that I have for weight loss which I sparingly use anymore.

Truth be told, as much as I take the full blame for getting blocked, not having her around has given me the hindsight to realize some harsh truth. While Carrie is a remarkable and strong, emotionally and physically, woman, something about her and I just didn't mix right even in spite of years of friendship. Maybe it's that she tapped into my "Ugly American" side that is harshly critical of my nation of origin, maybe it was the fact that my empathy is so automatic that I felt bad for her and Nathan. The more time passes, the more I seriously wonder what truly motivated me in this friendship. Was I better for knowing her? Of course. Am I happier with her no longer around? Probably.

If anything comes out of this, I feel bad for Nathan in all this. While Carrie has all the reason to keep him out of a group home for as long as possible, the two are truly a package deal at this point, I wonder what will happen years down the road if something happens to Carrie. This doesn't even include the fact that he's a teenage boy with no father figure and little male interaction outside of school, while women do make strong men it still saddens me that he isn't getting the attention he needs. While his fate is much better now than in the past, I do wonder how the future will treat him given his complex needs. I hope they both find peace in the future.