#Artificial Resuscitators

[mrmorphea]

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[stemlyns]

Podcast - Monthly Round Up December 2024 - Chest trauma, IO access, AI and more

Season 11 of the St Emlyn’s podcast closed with a roundup of December’s blog posts, covering key topics in emergency medicine. This month’s discussions spanned evidence-based updates on chest trauma, intraosseous access, pediatric imaging, AI in healthcare, toxic alcohol poisoning, airway management, and highlights from major conferences. Here’s what you need to know. Listening Time:…

[ilovecpr2]

Who has these videos ?We can exchange 🤩

[natalievoncatte]

Content Warning: This is a dark, angsty ficlet. There’s major character death. (They get better)

Kara gave the last of the trees a meaty shove and clapped her hands lightly, to shake off the dirt and tree bark that clung to her palms. She’d been called away from National City about twenty minutes ago to respond to a catastrophic landslide in Oregon that looked like a job for Supergirl. The villain trade had been a little light lately ever since the League went public, and she heard-

A thin crackle.

“Kara, get back to the Tower,” it was Alex, and her voice was strained, trembling. “Come back here right now. Directly here. Don’t stop anywhere and get here as fast as you can.”

Her feet had already left the ground by the time Alex had finished her message. Kara took off and ascended almost straight up, so that when she went hypersonic it didn’t harm anyone below.

“Alex?” she called, as she came in for a landing on the balcony. “What is it?”

Alex was inside with the others, wearing her costume but not her makeup or mask. She was deathly pale and her eyes were red rimmed and puffy from crying. Her voice hitched.

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Alex began.

Kara’s stomach dropped.

“Tell me what?”

Alex went still, as if the words would not leave her. Kara could see her straining with the effort, cords standing out on her throat.

“Tell me what?”

“I… I can’t do this…”

“Tell me what?” Kara demanded.

“Lena’s been shot.”

Kara stared at her. Her eyes went wide and she felt a cold rush through her body as if someone had opened a door behind her into a blizzard.

“Where is she?”

“Kara, try to stay calm, let me-“

“I want to see her now, Alex. Where is she?”

Alex swallowed.

“She’s, ah, gone, Kara.”

“Gone where?”

“They tried to resuscitate her, but there was too much damage to her heart.”

“Okay, so we need a transplant? Do we have a candidate? Or an artificial one? She probably has one in her lab.”

A manic frenzy began to overtake her, as though energy crackled down her limbs. What Alex was saying made no sense. Lena wouldn’t need to be resuscitated. She was fine. She had to be fine. Lena was fine. That was that. Kara would go wait for her in her hospital room by the bedside, and-

“She passed, Kara. She didn’t make it.”

Kara blinked.

“Didn’t… make it… passed… you mean she… wait… Alex what the fuck are you saying to me?”

Alex looked away, hugging herself.

“She died, Kara. Lena’s gone.”

She stood there for a shocked instant, paralyzed, some part of her mind shielding her from the full implication of what she just heard.

Then it slammed into her like a freight train. Like an earthquake. Like the shockwave from her exploding home world. Kara had been off saving some rich fuck’s house from fucking mud and Lena was dead. Lena was dead. Lena was-

Kara screamed.

The initial blast blew Alex off her feet and sent her sliding a good ten feet across the floor as she clapped her hands over her ears. Every window and every piece of glass in the Tower shattered at once and every one in the surrounding buildings cracked. All over the city, dogs began barking.

When Kara fell to her knees, the world around her was rimed with frost; her wail had been an arctic blast. Alex sat up, staring at the blood on her palms that had trickled from her ears. Some distant, emotionally controlled, Kryptonian part of her concluded that she’d probably just destroyed her sister’s eardrums.

Alex was trying to say something but the words didn’t reach her. Everything was far away, on the other side of a low whine in her ears and the sound of her own rushing blood in her veins. Red-sun fire boiled within her, setting her eyes alight and wreathing her in vapor as her tears turned to steam.

“Kara,” she finally heard Alex say, but it was too late.

She flew straight up, heedless of the rent she tore in the roof of the Tower as she took flight. She screamed again, a wail of primal torment and rage, and the world went silent.

Truly silent.

The one sound she always listened for above all others was not there. The steady drum beat was not there. Kara lashed out at herself, tearing at fistfuls of her hair.

An inescapable certainty seized her: Lena had died knowing Kara was not going to save her.

Another scream, followed by twin beams of infinite heat blasting skyward like a false sunrise, bathing the world below in crimson hues. Part of her wanted to sweep her gaze down and burn it all, just start smashing and tossing and punching and wreck everything she could lay her hands on.

Her family, her home, her culture, her foster father, her aunt, they were all taken from her. Kara gave and gave and gave and no matter how she martyred herself the world just kept taking.

They took her Lena.

Kara looked down. Rage burned furnace hot inside her chest, threatening to consume her. Why wasn’t someone protecting her? Why was this allowed to happen? Someone just shot her?

She would find who did it and she would end him. She’d tear him to shreds with her bare hands and she would know who was responsible for this and she would smash and burn her way to them and they would pay. She would make them pay.

And her Lena would still be gone.

Nothing Kara could do would bring her back. She was helpless. She crushed her head in her hands and screamed and screamed again; there were military aircraft and police helicopters approaching and she didn’t care.

It was as if some great hooked claws had rent her open, as if every single one of her old wounds had burst at once. Kara had died for this world twice over and this was how they repaid her?

It was worse than that.

In her miserable fucking cowardice Kara has never told her.

Lena would never know how much Kara loved her. She would never smile for Kara again, never crinkle around her eyes as she laughed or look so achingly beautiful as she became lost in some scientific problem or journal article. She had been Kara’s red sunrise and now the sun was set forever.

There was no bringing her back.

Wait.

Kara’s eyes flew open.

There was a way. Clark had confessed it to her, and warned her never to try it.

Fuck that.

Kara rocketed straight up, tearing through the atmosphere until the void clapped straight around her. She had to be free of all resistance, not because it would slow her, but because she would ignite the atmosphere. This might not even work. She might solar flare right in the middle of it and die.

Maybe if she did she’d be with Lena. Maybe Rao would actually do something for her for once and she’d find herself in sunlit fields under a red sky with her Lena there for her.

Anything had to be better than this.

Kara flew. She put every iota of force she could muster into her flight, curving around the Earth. Within moments she was making complete orbits every few seconds.

It’s working, she thought. The red shift.

At this speed, all suns were red. The sky was an endless chaos of red pinpricks.

Faster.

Kara didn’t know how she flew. Not even her precious Lena had been able to crack that question, and she’s tried. Kara had never attempted to find her top speed, never tried to find out how fast she could go.

She could go faster.

Beneath her, Earth was frozen. When she used her super-speed, her mind sped up with it, and everything slowed to a crawl.

She was close now, she could feel it. She just had to go faster.

Faster.

FASTER

And she did.

The stars were gone. The Earth was gone. There was only endless black and-

Void. Nothingness. It had no color, nothing to actually see, just a limitless nothing.

Almost. There was one thing in the darkness, in the endless Outside.

“Clark?”

He was there with her in the void, just there, cape and spitcurl and all. Clark. Kal-El. Kara’s final mission from her people and the greatest of her many failures. Her cousin.

“What happened?” he said.

“It’s Lena,” Kara blurted.

He looked at her with big sad eyes. “Do you mean Lex’s sister?”

Kara blinked. “Who the hell else would I mean, Clark?”

“Oh,” he said. “When I got here you two hadn’t met yet, I suppose. You’re friends with her?”

Kara looked at him.

“Where are we?”

“The other side of the speed of light. This is what happens when you go superluminal without a warp drive or a hypergate.”

Kara flinched back.

“From your perspective you haven’t left yet,” said Kara. But how did…”

Her eyes went wide. Of course. She didn’t realize it at first because she had outrun the concept of movement itself.

She was still moving.

All she had to do was…

Stop.

Kara’s stomach did a backflip and she vomited into the vacuum, turning in space so she didn’t have to watch orbs of her own puke falling into the atmosphere.

She dove, straight down into the sky, chased by everlasting sunrise.

It only took a glance, and Kara saw a red streak headed north for Oregon, away from National City. She was watching herself fly away.

It worked.

It worked!

She slowed. She stopped. She listened. She found it.

Lena had left the Foundation and was walking downtown, probably to her new favorite coffee spot, just another woman in the crowd. Since she’s turned over control of the company to Sam and focused her working days on her philanthropy, she’d become softer, more casual, more, as she put it, west coast. She was just strolling down the street in a hoodie and scrolling her phone on her way to her inevitable end.

Kara steeled herself.

I’m Supergirl. I can do anything.

She swept low over the downtown crowd and landed in front of Lena.

She was so beautiful, so soft. So confused. She stared at Kara.

“I thought you were going to Oregon and we were getting dinner later?”

“Come with me now. Please. Please, Lee. I’m begging you.”

There was a brief, heavy pause. Kara swallowed hard. Lena looked at her for the barest moment, then allowed herself to be scooped up into Kara’s arms and flown gently, so very carefully, to the Tower.

When she landed, Kara gingerly set Lena on her feet and took a short step back. Alex came running into the room.

“Kara?”

“What?” said a voice in her ear. Her own voice, on her comms, entangled somehow because she was in both places at once.

Alex drew her weapon and aimed it at Kara’s head, gently taking Lena’s arm and pulling her back, then poked her ear.

“Kara you’ve got a doppleganger here. I’m not sure if she’s extra-dimensional or a shapeshifter.”

Kara sighed when she felt the rush behind her, the gust of air and the heavy landing of boot heels on the balcony.

“Don’t move,” Kara told Kara.

“I won’t,” she told herself.

“Who are you and what are you do-“

Kara turned and looked at herself. She’d experienced this too many times before. Shapeshifters, a clone, an evil version of herself from a broken timeline.

This was different in some inexplicable way, and the pain came.

They both screamed, not so loud this time, and suddenly Kara was actually in two places at once, looking at herself looking at herself in an infinite loop and then…

One.

Kara was staring at Lena and Alex, standing where her past self had been standing a few moments earlier. She shook her head and… Lena.

Lena!

Kara rushed to her, gathering her up in a fierce hug, nuzzling her nose into her hair to take in her scent.

“You’re alive!” Kara exulted.

“You’re covered in mud,” Lena protested, pushing her back.

Kara let her.

Lena looked at Kara, then at Alex.

“Wait,” she said, soft eyes searching. “How did I get here, exactly?”

“How did you get here?” said Alex. “I don’t remember you coming in. I thought I was calling Kara back. I had to tell her something. It was…” her brows furrowed.

Kara swallowed, hard.

Wait. Why had she come back? She’s dealt with the landslide but she… just went hypersonic to get here? Why?

It didn’t matter. She was gripped by conviction. She just knew, somehow, that she had to do this.

“Lena, I’m sorry about the mud. Listen, since you’re here, I wanted to ask you… want to hang out tonight? At my place?”

“S-sure,” Lena said, blinking.

“What’s wrong?” said Alex.

“I don’t know,” said Lena. “I felt this odd sensation for a moment and then it was… almost like deja vu, but then…” she trailed off. “I need to get back to my office.”

“I’ll change and walk you back,” said Kara.

“Right. I’ll wait in the rec room.”

Lena turned and walked slowly out of the room, muttering to herself.

Alex stared at her.

“What was that about?”

“I’m telling her tonight.”

“Telling her what?”

“That I’m in love with her.”

Alex looked at her flatly.

“Well,” she said, “it’s about fucking time.”

[sowrennie]

Okay so I’m currently in Love and Deepspace hell and now it’s everyone’s problem. I may not entirely ever understand what’s going on, but that’s okay I’m still going to give my two cents on what Caleb may bring to the table. Please correct me if I’m wrong😭

LOVE AND DEEPSPACE MAINSTORY SPOILERS AHEAD!

1. Ties to EVER

Hear me out here. I know this is a common speculation but I want to delve into it and lay out the facts where I can see them. We kind of know what EVER’s goal is, we also— according to the notes we collect— know where their investments lie. They play a dominant role in biotechnological developments, aerospace, Evol energy, and international trade. We also know that Caleb works as a fighter pilot for the Deepspace Aviation Administration. He attended the Aerospace Academy in Skyhaven: an artificial floating island above Linkon. From what I gather, Skyhaven is powered by a protocore— and EVER is known for their involvement and use of protocores in modification/advancement. With what is made known to us it’s safe to conclude that Caleb is an affiliate. It’s hard to say whether or not he knows about the aether core, assuming he does though, he knows that upon the experiments— MC is basically immortal. She would be an asset to their research, and goal of extending lives. I wonder if Caleb feeds them this information, but at the same time— I’m just… not fully sure, seeing his particular niche and all. It does feel like they have their eyes on mc, though… I don’t entirely remember, but in awaited revelry, doesn’t Sylus imply that Josephine and Caleb have malicious intentions…? That being said—

2. Caleb’s return..?

I have a speculation that, like many cases we see (albeit some failed ones), he’ll be resuscitated via protocore; EVER can’t lose a valuable asset, after all. It fits thematically, and can further establish Caleb’s character as a character foil to Zayne (who despite his regrets, feels that death is a necessary part of the human existence.) An apple a day keeps the doctor away and all! This is the first ML we know that actively has interacted with another, and I genuinely can’t wait for what this means for Zayne’s story, even if EVER isn’t behind Caleb’s heavily implied return. He’s still facing what should be a dead man, and ugh. I KNOW his emotions are going to pile up. Staring directly at the Mt. Eternal anecdote. This could be a stretch, but— Carter, Xander Sciences trying to rope Zayne into their projects over and over— MC is the perfect bait, and bringing Caleb back may establish MC’s direct involvement and have Zayne be enticed by proxy. Caleb does play the role of the forbidden (potentially), and this could be how that motif comes into play.

3. Snake Motif…

Okay so I have yet to do my research on this entirely, but like— I just think it’s so interesting that they released Sylus during the year of the Dragon, and then potentially Caleb, during the year of the Snake. That aside, though— the clear biblical connection between the snake and the apple and potentially being that lure— what snakes generally symbolize (mystery, deceit…), and I saw this floating around somewhere, but apparently in CN he calls the MC ‘little tail’? I’m so interested in what this could mean symbolically with all his apparent affiliations, buuut that’s for us to see.

I’m looking forward to that livestream and tbh idk if anything here made sense but I’m so normal about this game (even if I likeee barely understand it.) What are you going to do Caleb. What’s happening. I know this is different from what I usually post here but I NEEDED to yap or else I might go insane idk

What are you hiding.

[avayarising]

Deaths of Damian Wayne

Part of the Batfam Death Project.

Damian has died six times and has once visited an afterlife without dying. There are also two additional occasions when he might arguably have died, but it’s not confirmed.

Despite the fanon idea I’ve seen that Damian was killed and raised in the Lazarus Pits once or more during his upbringing in the League of Assassins, I couldn’t find any hard evidence of this. The nearest thing I have found is a flashback scene of Ra’s holding a young Damian at swordpoint with a Lazarus Pit in the background (The Shadow/Batman 1:3, 2018). Which suggests that it was a viable threat, but I don’t think there is any indication there that it ever went further than a threat. So I didn’t include it here, even as an ambiguous/possible death. (If anyone has any better evidence that it ever actually occurred I will be happy to revise this post to include it.)

Verifiable deaths

1. Killed by his clone (Batman Incorporated 2:8, 2013)

Talia created a clone of Damian and called him The Heretic (I have never been able to discern what exactly his heresy is supposed to be), artificially aged him to adult stature (though not mind) and sent him to kill Damian for reasons of… um… to be mean to Bruce?

…Anyway, The Heretic strangled Damian, who also got shot with several crossbow bolts, and then finished him off by impaling him with a large sword.

Bruce and much of his family eventually took Damian to the planet Apokalips and resurrected him by stabbing him with a chaos shard which he had taunted Darkseid into blasting with omega energy (Batman and Robin 2:37, 2015).

Following this he had superpowers (flight, invulnerability, super strength) for a short time (Robin Rises: Alpha, 2014).

Time dead: a few weeks to a couple of months, which time he spent in Hell (mentioned in Robin Son of Batman 1:1, 2015, and Teen Titans 6:40, 2020 – see below).

2. Shorted out a spirit battery (Robin Son of Batman 1:13, 2016)

The villain Den Darga was charging up a spirit battery, running on human souls, with the aim of killing everyone in the world to give him more power. Damian shorted out the battery, which destroyed it, released the souls, and killed him.

His friends Maya Ducard and Suren Darga (who is Den Darga’s son and who can see and call spirits) called his soul back into his body. It’s visually implied that this time he would have gone to Heaven.

Time dead: a couple of minutes.

3. Poisoned himself – on purpose (Teen Titans 6:40–41, 2020)

When Damian was on the Teen Titans, one of his teammates, a genie going by Djinn, got trapped in Purgatory by her evil brother Elias. Damian drank poison and got the rest of the team (except one) to do the same so they could die and go to Purgatory (via Hell) to rescue her.

Their colleague Jakeem Thunder remained behind to watch over their bodies and resuscitate them. He first tried by normal medical means but failed. So he called on the powers of his genie friend, Thunderbolt, and all the Teen Titans were raised through a combination of Thunderbolt’s and Djinn’s powers.

(Then they all portalled to Heaven – see below.)

Time dead: about half an hour if you count all the time since drinking the poison, around a minute if you only count from the time Jakeem tried and failed to recover them with the antidote.

4. Killed by groblins (Dark Nights: Death Metal 1:7, 2021)

Damian, along with most of his family, was killed by an army of Jokerised Robins led by the Robin King (an evil child Bruce from another dimension). His death happens off-panel, but it definitely happens because we see his corpse lying on the ground beside Dick’s.

He was raised as a zombie by Black Lantern Batman shortly afterwards to continue the fight.

He was restored to proper life when Wonder Woman persuaded the creators to remake the multiverse as it was before the evil universes invaded the good ones.

Time dead: maybe quarter of an hour; or perhaps a lot longer, if it took longer to rebuild the world.

5 and 6: Killed twice in the Lazarus Tournament (Robin 3:1–2 and 8, 2021)

The League of Lazarus is an offshoot of the League of Assassins, and every hundred years they hold a Lazarus Tournament on Lazarus Island. Everyone who dies on Lazarus Island comes back to life (the clue is in the name) because Lazarus Island is absolutely steeped in Lazarus water from a massive Lazarus Pit. So the rules for this tournament are three deaths and you’re out.

Damian entered the tournament to find himself/prove himself/something. He was killed very early on by Nika (Flatline) who tore his heart out of his chest. She’s good at that. (She later becomes his girlfriend.)

He came back to life the next morning.

Time dead: about 12 hours.

He then managed to survive until quite late in the tournament, when he fought and got his neck snapped by Connor Hawke.

This time he came back within minutes.

(Connor technically wins the tournament, but then gets killed by a Lazarus Demon called Nezha – turns out the purpose of the tournament is to give the demon power so it can rise and destroy the world – and all the contestants join together to fight the demon and get Connor back.)

Time dead: a few minutes.

Bonus extra deaths

(Implied, inferrable, ambiguous and arguable deaths)

1. Perhaps died briefly during a full organ replacement (Batman 1:665, 2007)

Talia set up a big convoluted plot to introduce Damian to Bruce for the first time, and it ended in the Mediterranean with Talia taking Damian away again in a submarine, which promptly blew up (Batman 1:658, 2006).

Damian was seriously injured, and Talia took him straight to a League of Assassins base and called for a ‘full organ harvest and replacement’.

If he needed all his organs replaced, he must have had massive internal injuries. It is plausible that he flatlined once or more before or during the operation, because that’s fairly normal with such extensive injuries.

In addition, the green liquid Damian and what might be his spare organs are suspended in during this process may or may not be Lazarus-related.

Time dead: a few seconds, if any.

2. Perhaps died briefly after Jason shot him in the chest (Batman: Battle for the Cowl 1:2–3, 2009)

After Bruce got lost in the timestream and everyone thought he was dead, Jason decided to process his feelings about that by putting on a batsuit and shooting lots of people dead. When Dick confronted him, he shot Damian in the chest at close range to distract Dick so he could escape.

The bullet bruised a lung and severed an artery, and Damian needed ‘eighty-nine stitches and a transfusion fit for an elephant’. So it’s reasonable to infer that, given the level of injury and blood loss, he is likely to have flatlined at least once during the operation.

Time dead: a few seconds, if any.

Afterlife visits

A fight at the gates of Heaven (Teen Titans 6:41, 2020)

After Damian and his Teen Titans rescued Djinn from Purgatory and freed her from her magic ring (see above), they immediately went after her brother Elias, who was attacking Heaven. Djinn portalled them there using her genie powers.

When they got there they found Elias had killed piles of angels and had installed himself in Heaven; the Teen Titans fought and defeated him, and then Djinn returned them to Earth.

Time in/just outside Heaven: as long as it takes to fight the battle; maybe up to half an hour.

Batfam Death Project Masterpost

[clarepreed]

Micro-Story: Faulty

Story Content and Summary: 1,750 words. Micah's wife succumbs to a fault in a futuristic prosthetic heart. No EMS. On-site resuscitation.

--

Fuck!

The way she fell, first stiffening, then going boneless and collapsing in a heap before he could reach her. The way she fell, her face slack and her eyes rolling back. The way she fell pulled a silent curse from him, one he kept repeating as he skidded to his knees beside her, the accidental impact of his body rocking hers in the dirt.

“FUCK!” Micah finally shouted, losing control, his hands shaking as he reached for her, already knowing what was wrong as his fingers pressed into her neck.

Goddamn artificial heart. First mass-produced cardiac replacement piece of shit!

The artery beneath his fingers lay still, and her light eyes stared half-lidded up at him, even as her mouth slanted open and her lungs stuttered air.

Recalled.

He unzipped her coat and spread it wide, then dug in his pocket for his knife, flipping it open. Her hands curled, body shaking as her brain freaked the fuck out at the sudden lack of oxygenated blood. Micah sliced his blade through the collar of her t-shirt, then tossed his knife to the side and gripped her shirt with both hands. The shirt tore down to her navel and he spread the fabric wide open, reaching next for the small, rectangular lump just below her collarbone and above the cups of her lavender bra.

Recalled, and a fucking waiting list…

He pressed the center of the implant, just like he’d pantomimed with her before, when he’d printed the reset instructions from the manufacturer’s website. This time, he felt a button click, depressing firmly and then popping back up beneath his fingers.

“Come on, Gretchen,” he breathed, quiet now as he reached for the butterfly clasp of her bra. He popped it open as she gave another rattling agonal breath, quickly spreading the cups and sliding his fingers down to the tiny display implanted laterally. The miniature monitor glowed red, awakening with the activation of her reset button. He pressed the center of the glowing light three times, initiating the reset sequence.

Stay calm! the instructions had advised. The heart WILL restart!

“I’ve got you,” Micah gasped, his hands skimming over her chest and settling low on her sternum, along the line of her first surgery scar.

Okay. I have to be her heart and lungs until the device restarts. 

He linked his fingers, rolled his shoulders over his hands, and started pumping.

“One, two, three…”

His mind flashed back to the little practice mannequin he’d bought and subsequently worn out in the basement where she couldn’t see him desperately trying to learn. Terrified that one day, before she could get in to surgery, her replacement heart would glitch out and take Gretchen away from him forever. 

What good is a heart that resumes beating ten, twenty, forty-five minutes later if her brain is dead?

“…thirty!” Micah leaned down and quickly tipped her head back before pinching her nose closed and drawing a deep breath. Strands of her silken hair clung to her face and his fingers as he gripped her jaw with his other hand. He held her mouth open and covered her lips with his, exhaling, watching her chest rise out of the corner of his eye. Micah broke the seal and felt his recycled air waft over his face before giving her a second.

He returned to her chest, his voice shaking as he started counting. Gretchen’s ribcage sank and her breasts wobbled as he worked, the force rocking her head from side to side. Each time he pressed down, her navel popped up in a harsh seesaw motion. Her shoulders shrugged rhythmically, body bending to the force of his love.

“Huh, huh, huh…” Breathless sounds slipped from her parted lips as he reached thirty again.

Her soft mouth beneath his felt lifeless, already cool to the touch of his overheated skin. Another breath, her cheeks rounding out, neck swelling slightly as the breath made its way down her airway. Micah turned, quickly getting back into position for compressions, his hands skimming her smooth skin as he found his landmark.

“One, two, three…” Her breast felt soft under his fingers as the heel of his stacked hands thrust into her. Her nipples, erect in the cool autumn air, pointed briefly inward with each hard compression. Oblong tracks appeared in the dirt beneath her slim-fingered as her body danced to the rhythm of his thrusts.

“…twelve, thirteen…”

Her brainstem stopped trying to make her breathe as her eyes locked on nothing, already glassy with death. Shadows gathered beneath her eyes.

“…eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one…”

A glance down toward her feet showed him that her entire body twitched with each thrust, legs rocking, toes drawing little circles in the air.

“Please, Gretchen!” he begged, before giving her another deep breath. Her breasts swelled once, twice. His eyes darted to the illuminated display in her side as he resumed chest compressions. One line, regular and jagged, represented his chest compressions. The second line, however, lay flat. Asystole.

“…nine, ten, eleven, twelve…”

Micah rocked into her chest, forcing himself to work as perfectly as he was capable, judging his compression depth with a critical eye and keeping the rhythm going as he counted. Each harsh thrust forced her sternum to squeeze blood from the useless artificial organ. As he pressed, her belly rounded against the waistband of her leggings, the hollow of her navel riding the crest of each wave. Sunlight stretching through the canopy dappled her body, leaves rustling as he shifted on his knees. A snoring sound abruptly emitted from Gretchen’s throat.

“…Christ! Thirty!” He sucked in a breath and covered her mouth with his, closing her nostrils just in time. Again, the air puffed out her cheeks and throat visibly. A thin string of saliva pulled between them as he broke the seal long enough to let her body exhale. Micah pressed his lips to hers again and gave her another breath. Then his hands slammed back into the center of her chest, fingers quickly linking. “One, two, three, four…”

“Hurk, huh, huh, hurk…”

“…nine, ten…” Her chest popped, the sensation crackling under his palm. He kept at it, watching her sternum and ribcage sink and bob beneath the strength of his pumping arms as he hoped, begged, that his effort was good enough.

“…sixteen, seventeen, eighteen…” Watching the wave of force ripple down her abdomen, eyes burning, he choked back the tears that threatened to fall.

Let this be enough. Let me be enough…

As he bent for mouth-to-mouth, he thought of her that morning, legs spread wide beneath him, mouth ripe for the taking, skin so soft as he stroked her. Now, she lay lifeless beneath him, her mouth slack and her eyes staring as he forced air into her silent lungs. The flat line on her prosthetic monitor haunted him as he shifted back over her bruised, motionless chest. Panic threatened to overwhelm him, even as the sensation of her body softening under his hands sent a wave of nausea rolling through him.

“…nine, please just start beating, fuck, come on! PLEASE! Fifteen, sixteen…” Micah worked desperately, letting his weight fall into his hands. She made abortive grunts as he thrust down into her chest, air escaping her lungs in harsh wheezes. “…twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty—”

BEEEEEEEP! An artificial sound cut through his panic.

“Gretchen?!” Micah leaned closer, hands shifting to frame the heart prosthesis screen. The chest compression line disappeared, but beneath it, where the flatline had been…

A rhythm!

“Gretchen!” Micah lunged, planting his hands to either side of her head. Her face tipped slightly to the side, skin ashen, eyelids slightly lifted. He moved one hand to her face, patting her cheek gently at first, then harder. “Honey? Gretchen!” Micah’s eyes trailed over her mottled chest, looking for signs of life. Despite her beating heart, Gretchen remained completely still. 

He moved a hand over her mouth, suspicion leading him to feel for breath that apparently wasn’t coming. Fear made him shiver as he bent to open her airway and tip his ear close to her pale lips. He hovered there, silently counting out the seconds as the dead air spread between them. 

With a groan of anguish, Micah crashed his mouth into hers, the angle of his face blocking her nostrils as he filled her lungs, pressure forcing a buzz of air out of the corners of their mouths. He pulled back enough to feel the air drift across his face, remembering then to pinch her nose. His eyes grazed the display embedded into her side, reassuring himself that the artificial heart still beat. Then he gave her another breath, the fingers of his other hand gently stroking the soft skin of her throat as it expanded beneath his fingertips.

“Please, Gretchen…” His plea came out quiet and broken. “I was right here. I helped you. Please!”

Another breath. His mind filled with awful thoughts. Gretchen dead, Marcus forced to sign paperwork to remove the heart surgically prior to her burial. Gretchen in long-term care, unable to recognize him or care for herself. His Gretchen, dead as her body lived. His eyes grew wet as he exhaled a fourth breath. 

As he broke the seal, Gretchen flinched beneath him and sucked in a shallow, ragged breath. Micah gasped and cupped her face with both hands, watching as her eyelids fluttered. “That’s it, Gretchen! Just breathe! You’re okay. I love you, you’re okay!” He shook with relief, his eyes blurring with tears as she coughed and gasped and moved her hands weakly. She curled them onto her chest, covering the redness there and letting out a soft groan.

Micah brushed her hair back from her face and then covered her hands with his. “I’m sorry. I know you’re in pain. Just open your eyes for me so I know you’re alright.”

Gretchen complied, her eyelids peeling open. She blinked several times before her eyes focused, latching on to his own. “Micah,” she whispered, barely audible. 

Micah shuddered and curled over her, pressing his forehead to hers and choking out: “Thank you… Thank you! Oh, I love you…”

“Love you…” she wheezed. “S’okay…”

His fingers threading in her hair, Micah wept.

[the-real-sans-undertale]

Cardiopulmonary resuscitation (or CPR for short) is an emergency procedure used during cardiac or respiratory arrest that involves chest compressions, often combined with artificial ventilation, to preserve brain function and maintain circulation until spontaneous breathing and heartbeat can be restored.

You're welcome.

[aboodhammadgaza]

Please help us to arrange to get my brother Ibrahim Hammad aged 16 who has Downs Syndrome and the rest of his family out of Gaza!

Because Ibrahim has Downs Syndrome he is especially vulnerable during Israeli bombardments because the noise panics him so much that he can’t breathe, speak or communicate.

During heavy bombing near our house in al-Zahraa district Ibrahim’s heart stopped three times and my parents had to perform artificial resuscitation on him to save his life.

The bombing is also having a huge psychological impact on him as he can’t stop crying or control himself. Ibrahim can't live with these harsh conditions because of his condition and illness. He and the rest of the family have been displaced several times, from al-Zahraa to the ground of al-Aqsa university in Khan Younis and now to Rafah, and he has suffered psychological traumas during the displacement. We are extremely worried about what could happen if Israel now attacks Rafah.

Ibrahim’s life in Gaza and the suffering war has caused him was covered in the international press just a couple of years ago - read it

A child, like the rest of the children in the world, has the right to live in a calm and beautiful environment free of wars, genocides and problems. We hope that God will remove this grief so that Ibrahim’s life can return to normal again and that the child Ibrahim, who has a kind and caring heart, can return to sharing his daily routine and the details of his life with his friends.

I’m Amjad Hammad, Ibrahim’s brother, and I’m currently in Belgium. All money raised will go towards getting across the Rafah border into Egypt and out of war-torn Gaza. Every donation, no matter how small, is a huge help - thank you so much for your kindness.

https://youtu.be/OcefK1S3J3E?si=P1P-k1yLOXcxggWd

[lotusflowerbreakingthesurface]

PingXie Moments Compilation

𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝟖𝟏𝟕 𝐃𝐚𝐨𝐦𝐢 𝐅𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥!! 🎉

On this special day, let's reminisce about PingXie moments in the book∼ Fanfictions are indeed tasty, but the canon moments are also delicious, right? (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

Truthfully, I planned to compile all of them in one post, but I realized that there are too many PingXie moments, I'm afraid if I post them all, I will become a PingXie Bot, thus I picked some moments (and some jokes) that I thought were quite memorable and interesting. It's only 40 moments, it doesn't follow the timeline, perhaps only 80% of them.

Warning: Spoilers! Very long post! CP-oriented post! It's a compilation of PingXie moments in the book, naturally, there are spoilers. I added a little notes/meta/comments/related interviews as supplementary files. And I'm not an expert in the Chinese language (as you already know, I use mtl) so I put the source below, just in case you want to check the Chinese raw or other translations yourself. I apologize in advance if there is any mistake m(_ _)m

(Since there is a limit to insert images, I went with quoting them.)

Sources: Chinese Raw | MereBear's Translation | 瓶邪bot | Original Image by 刘巴布 | Divider by @anitalenia

1. Daomu Biji Vol. 1: Seven Star Lu Palace Chapter 2

As I was talking, I saw a young man walking out of the front door with a long thing on his back that was tightly wrapped in cloth. I knew at first glance that it was an ancient weapon. This thing was indeed very valuable, and if it sold well, the price could go for more than ten times its worth.

Note: In the book, it was their first meeting. But in an old Daomu Biji mobile game, NPSS added this line (it seems that he forgot about it later though):

“The first meeting with Zhang Qiling was not downstairs of Uncle Three's house, but at Wu Xie's full-month celebration, but they both forgot it.” ☆

2. Daomu Biji Vol. 4: Snake Marsh Ghost City (Part II) Chapter 18 | Chapter 47 (MereBear)

He continued, "I am a person without a past and a future. All I do is to find find my connection with this world. Where did I come from and why am I here?" He looked at his hands and said calmly, "Can you imagine that if someone like me disappears from this world, no one will find out, as if I have never existed in this world, without leaving any trace? Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I often doubt whether I really exist or am just a phantom of a person."

I was speechless and thought for a while before saying, "It's not as exaggerated as you say. If you disappear, at least I will find out."

3. Daomu Biji Vol. 6: Ancient Building Under the Dark Mountain Chapter 39

Pangzi gestured for me to ask Men You Ping. I looked at him and heard him say, "About five hours ago, you appeared where you are now, in a deep coma, barely conscious. We gave you a simple first aid, and then five hours later, you woke up."

I waited for Men You Ping to continue speaking, but he shut up.

"That’s it?" I asked in surprise.

"That’s it." He said in a muffled voice.

[....]

Pangzi nodded and said, "Xiaoge and I have been in another cave, which is relatively dry, but I will come here to get water every once in a while. When I found that there was suddenly another person in the cave, I was scared to death, but I recognized you immediately, called Xiaoge, and rescued you together. You were already dead, so if you really need to find someone to save your life, I, Pangye, was still qualified to make a guest appearance. Later, we were afraid that you might have broken bones, so we didn't dare to move and just waited here for you to wake up."

Note: Xiaoge gives Wu Xie mouth-to-mouth resuscitation here. Someone analyzed it and NPSS confirmed it. Here is the analysis:

“If you want to perform CPR on a person who is not breathing without moving the body, the most basic and important thing is artificial respiration. Judging from Pangzi's tone, the whole rescue process was completed by him and Men You Ping. But there is a key word here: "guest appearance". Pangzi did not play the main role in the rescue process. So who played this main role? I think everyone should understand.” ☆

4. Daomu Biji Vol. 6: Ancient Building Under the Dark Mountain Chapter 49

He leaned against the stone wall behind him and said calmly: "He and I can't leave."

"What nonsense are you talking about?" I cursed.

He suddenly smiled at me and said: "Fortunately, I didn't kill you..."

I was stunned. He spat out a mouthful of blood.

"You--" My head buzzed.

He still smiled at me, his head slowly lowered, and sat there, as if he was just taking a rest. However, the surroundings were completely silent.

Note: There once was a typo in the first draft, but it was edited later.

Edited version: “还好，我没有害死你……”

Unedited version: “一汀烟雨杏花寒好， 还好， 我没有害死你......”

“一汀烟雨杏花寒” comes from an ancient poem “戴叔伦：燕子不归春事晚，一汀烟雨杏花寒”, it describes the scenery of late spring and expresses the feelings of melancholy and separation. ☆

5. Daomu Biji Vol. 7: Stone Shadow in Qiong Cave Chapter 18

Men You Ping did not answer her. Instead, he turned to me and said, "Take me home." Then he walked out without looking back.

6. Daomu Biji Vol 8: The Finale Book 2 Chapter 3 | Part 2 Chapter 54 (MereBear)

I was stunned for a moment, and then froze. At that moment, my mind became blank.

I couldn’t describe the emptiness in my heart. I suddenly didn’t know what I should do.

Dead? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Is he really dead? Hey, what kind of international joke is this?

"Wake up. Let's go home." I patted his face, suddenly finding it all very funny. I turned to Pangzi and laughed. "Look at Xiaoge."

"I know." Pangzi said on the side, his voice was very low.

Then, my hands began to tremble uncontrollably. I looked at my hands and found that there was no sadness in my heart. My consciousness did not react, but my body instinctively felt despair.

I thought to myself, he’s really fucking sitting there, he’s really fucking dead. Men You Ping is really fucking dead!

There were actually such things in this world, and Men You Ping could actually die.

[....]

My instincts were collapsing under the pressure, but all kinds of uncomfortable feelings were still leaking out of the "pressure cooker" of emotions. I felt that I couldn't let my emotions run wild, because if I got sad, I might die here. I feel very strange in my heart, not just sad. I don’t know if others can understand my complicated feelings. First there was despair, then more of a distrust of what I saw. My mind went blank for a long time before all the emotions in my heart came to the surface.

I have always wondered how I would feel if Men You Ping died. I thought that maybe I was extremely sad, or maybe I had thought about it too much and done too much mental preparation, so I became numb and felt that I could totally bear it. Now that it has really happened, it has turned into a strange mood that I can’t even deal with.

After that, I was in a dilemma, not knowing whether I should be sad or pretend to be calm and endure the pain. In the end, the former gradually prevailed. I did nothing beside his body, just stared blankly.

But just when I felt that tears were about to fall, I suddenly saw Men You Ping's hand move and scratch the floor!

Comment: I feel like "Wake up. Let's go home." is the answer to Xiaoge's "Take me home." in the previous moment, don't you think so? And here is the description of Wu Xie's feelings when he thought that Xiaoge died. It's quite long and depressing... T_T

7. Daomu Biji Vol. 8: The Finale Book 2 Chapter 25 | Part 2 Chapter 76 (MereBear)

"I came to say goodbye to you." He said, "It's all over. I thought about my connection with this world, and it seems that the only one I can find now is you."

Comment: Is this the kind of connection that Xiaoge was looking for in Daomu Biji Vol. 4?

Note: In the Live Broadcast Interview on June 11, 2021, there was a question about what "嫩牛五方" Nenniu Wufang (Iron Triangle + HeiHua) think of Wu Xie, and this is Xiaoge's part:

NPSS: For Zhang Qiling, Wu Xie is his only connection with the human world. He can live without any connection with the human world. After so many years, Wu Xie was the opportunity that made him willing to connect with the human world, which was also something that required courage for him, because connecting with Wu Xie means connecting with other people. At the beginning, Wu Xie was just one of the many people he had saved, but Wu Xie reached a state of transcendence through his own qualities. He was able to attract another person who was not a mortal. There is such a person, when you look him in the eye, you will have this feeling-

Host: This is that person, this is the person I am looking for.

NPSS: Yes. ☆

8. Daomu Biji Vol. 8: The Finale Book 2 Chapter 27 | Part 2 Chapter 78 (MereBear)

That night, we found a relatively dry place and lit a fire. Sitting in front of the fire, he silently looked at me for the first time.

I also stared at him for a long time. Since he kept looking at me like this, I began to wonder whether the focus of his gaze was actually on me. When I found that he was really looking at me, however, I felt very strange. I said, "Is something wrong with me? Is there a monster behind me?" I asked him several times, but he didn't respond. I thought this person was not very normal at ordinary times. Now in this situation, I definitely couldn't understand and didn't need to understand. But after a while, he suddenly asked me for a cigarette.

9. Daomu Biji Vol. 8: The Finale Book 2 Chapter 28 | Part 2 Chapter 79 (MereBear)

I screamed as I rolled all the way down the hillside. I knew it was a very steep cliff with a drop of at least thirty meters, so even if there was snow below, I would never be safe.

[....]

Just when I was about to despair, I suddenly heard a movement outside. Then, my flailing hands were grabbed by someone, and I was pulled out of the snow pit. I gasped for breath, and saw Men You Ping grabbed the back of my collar and pulled me out of the snow with force.

My eyes still saw a pink color, which was quite blurry. I looked at him, and I was so angry that I asked him: "Why did you come back again?"

He looked at me, then at the cliff above his head, and said to me, "I heard your cry for help."

Note: This is one of the famous PingXie moments, which later someone brought up this scene again in the comment section of the online version of Sand Sea 3 Chapter 5 (Chapter 116 on MereBear's site: Like a Red Bean in the Exquisite Dice, My Love for You is Deep in My Bones) in 2014. Here is the famous comment that is still circulating around in the DMBJ fandom:

“The moment I fell, holding my neck, I thought I couldn't speak anymore. The sky of Motuo was still empty, just like the Changbai Mountain. But this time, no one would jump down thirty meters to pull me up. I asked him why he came, and he said he heard my voice.” ☆

However, people still doubt where this quote actually comes from. As someone said, what I've mentioned before is the most likely source since it is the earliest one that can be found. The site was closed down, so I can't check it myself.

10. Daomu Biji Vol. 8: The Finale Book 2 Chapter 28 | Part 2 Chapter 79 (MereBear)

"That’s fine, do whatever you want. If you really knock me out, I have nothing to say, but I hope you know that if you need someone to accompany you to the end, I won’t refuse." I said, "I want to accompany you. This is my own decision, so don't worry about it."

Top comment: One is a confession that travels thousands of miles away, and the other is a stumbling pursuit. ☆

11. Daomu Biji Vol. 8: The Finale Book 2 Chapter 29 | Part 2 Chapter 80 (MereBear)

Men You Ping nodded, and I asked him: "If this is not the case, according to the promise, who should be the next in line for the Old Nine Gates?"

"You." Men You Ping said.

Me? I was stunned for a moment: "You mean, I was supposed to stay behind this bronze door for ten years?"

Men You Ping nodded, and just as I was about to ask him to clarify, Men You Ping suddenly reached out and pressed the back of my neck, and I lost consciousness."

12. Excerpt from 《与邪共予起灵书》 or see more here

I saw Menyouping standing in the dazzling light of the bronze door, as if waiting for me. It turns out that not everyone has left me. He is right here, behind this mysterious bronze door, looking forward to meeting me again just like me. Ten years, it sounds like a long time that cannot be passed, but when that moment comes, we will definitely feel the brevity of time. Its brevity may just be because you are looking forward to a reunion. You use your ten years to exchange my lifelong innocence, then I will use the next ten years and more ten years to exchange your ten years.

The passage above is related to the famous quote “用我一生换你十年的天真无邪” (I'll give you my whole life in exchange for your ten years of innocence).

According to this post, this sentence first appeared in a forum interview in 2010. When NPSS talked with readers about the final ending of the characters in the main story (Daomu Biji Vol. 1-8), he used the sentence "用自己的一生，再换你十年的天真无邪" (I'll give you my whole life in exchange for another ten years of your innocence) to summarize the ending of Zhang Qiling and Wu Xie in the main story.

NPSS's interview with Nangong Ling, the owner of PingXie Bar on Baidu Post Bar or Tieba (a popular Chinese forum) at that time: The Long-Delayed New Year Interview on March 11, 2010 ☆

Q: Is Wu Xie the most miserable person in the whole book? Is it true that one of him and Pingzi (Xiaoge) will die in the end?

A: Wu Xie is the most miserable, his life is a doomed tragedy, but Lao Zhang is not easy either.

Q: Then?

A: It delayed the occurrence of the whole tragedy.

Q: Then they suffered a tragedy together?

A: I use my life to exchange for your ten years of innocence.

And there is a follow-up. On November 1, 2011, NPSS participated in a symposium at Shenzhen University and interpreted the meaning of this sentence. ☆

Q: How do you understand "用我一生换你十年天真无邪" (I will give you my whole life for your ten years of innocence)?

A: On a very quiet night, I was sitting in front of my computer, chatting with an online friend who was my reader. She asked me if I could describe the whole story in one sentence. Then I thought about it and realized that the story could be described in one sentence: "用我一生换你十年的天真无邪" (I will give you my whole life for your ten years of innocence). It is not a very equal exchange. It is an infinite sacrifice of one person for another in exchange for a limited benefit.

13. Tibetan Sea Flower Part 1 Chapter 39

I said, "I don't know. I always feel that it's safer to be around Xiaoge. If he's not around, at least having his statue is better than having no statue at all."

14. Sand Sea 2 Chapter 53 | Chapter 92 (MereBear)

"Are you really willing to bear it?"

"I have no choice."

"You have a choice, you just can't see it."

"That means there is no choice."

Sigh

"Then will you tell him all this?"

"No."

"Then what will you tell him?"

"I will tell him that he is just a patient, and from now on, he can rest."

"They won't let you say these words."

"I won't allow them to stop me."

15. Sand Sea Part 3 Chapter 5 | Chapter 116 (MereBear)

玲珑骰子安红豆，入骨相思知不知

A dainty die with red beans engraved in it, don't you know, is a love yearning that penetrates to the bone?

(—Rediscovering Wen Tingyun by Mou, Huaichuan)

Note: As we know, this candy is only a title, but it has a deep meaning. “玲珑骰子安红豆，入骨相思知不知” is a passage from a poem by Tang Dynasty poet, Wen Tingyun (温庭筠), it's the second poem of two love poems in his collection of poems 《新添声杨柳枝词二首》/《南歌子词二首》.

井底点灯深烛伊，共郎长行莫围棋

玲珑骰子安红豆，入骨相思知不知

The poem is written in the voice of a woman, expressing her attachment to her lover, in the first line, it means she earnestly asked her husband not to miss the return date when he travelled far away. It is the woman's deep longing for her husband and the strong love she has for him that is hard to let go. The second line means the lovesickness that goes deep into the bones, revealing -once again- the woman's strong love that is hard to let go. And the words "Don’t you know?" (知不知) vividly expresses the woman's long separation, the difficulty of reunion, the deep pain of missing him, and even the fact that she wants to talk to no one. It can be said that the ending is natural and the aftertaste is endless. What the readers feel is the sincere and passionate love in the woman's heart —Baidu Encyclopedia

Since there is no way for me, a complete novice, to explain it through semantic and syntactic analysis, please visit here or here for more explanation.

In WeChat interview on August 6, 2013, NPSS said the reason why he chose that title:

Q: Sanshu, I would like to ask you, in Sand Sea series, when Wu Xie was slashed in the throat by the man in white, why was the chapter titled "玲珑骰子安红豆，入骨相思知不知"?

A: I chose that chapter title because that was the emotion I felt at the time. ☆

16. 2014 Chinese New Year Special "Fantasy" Chapter 27 (Epilogue) | Chapter 2.31 (MereBear)

When the sun absorbed the fog and dispersed it, the black fog completely dissipated. I turned my head to see where Men You Ping was, but saw the sunset shining in from the window next to me.

It was over, I was stunned for a moment and realized.

I was back in the small power station.

My hands and feet slowly revived, and the severe pain in my nasal cavity began to attack. The throat was full of the smell of blood, and all the blood turned into a paste in my throat.

In all the moments of coming back, I always felt a very sad emotion in my heart, which would make me silent for a moment.

Don't make the illusion too beautiful because it will eventually disappear. You think you have obtained and grasped it, but in fact there is nothing. This kind of memory is no different from my real memory. People themselves cannot really own anything.

17. Ten Years Chapter 31

This was written for me, he knew I would fulfill my promise. He hid the clue in Chen Pi Ah Si's nose, which really gave me face.

I clenched my fists, and a sense of security that I hadn't felt for many years suddenly rose from the bottom of my heart.

Note: The bolded sentence is an additional sentence in the physical book of Ten Years.

18. Ten Years Chapter 36

In the past ten years, I have had many dreams. I dreamed of him when he was young and I met him when I was young.

19. Ten Years Physical Book

"Not only that, if you can truly believe that you can do this, you can do anything." The voice in my heart answered me, "But, believing in yourself may be the most difficult thing in the world."

"What's so difficult about believing in yourself?" I asked.

"Just like you can't believe that you can walk on the water, only a very few people can truly believe in themselves." The voice in my heart answered me, "You can't even believe that you really entered here and heard these words."

A vast pool of water suddenly appeared in front of me, and the water surface was as calm as a mirror.

I looked at the surface of the pool and touched it with my feet. It was cold water. The waves spread and quickly disappeared at the end of the visible range. I saw a figure appearing very, very far away.

It was a familiar back, it was Xiaoge.

I stepped on it and fell into the water.

Then, I woke up. I looked up at the bronze door.

It was a dream, the door was still closed tightly.

I looked at my hand, and the wound was not cracked.

Comment: I really like the implication here, Wu Xie trusts Xiaoge more than himself...

20. Ten Years Chapter 41

"The people in that village make a dessert from glutinous rice and brown sugar. Since there’s plenty of rain in the village, a special weed called Yuzai ginseng grows there. The petals of this weed are put into the dessert, and are said to help with memory. Of course, it’s only a local legend."

I kept yawning as I spoke. My consciousness began to blur, but I didn’t stop talking.

I don’t know how long I stayed up, but in my hazy state, I suddenly felt someone slowly sit down beside me.

I hesitated for a moment, turned my head to look, and the other person also turned his head to look at me.

Pangzi slowly woke up and looked at us.I saw a familiar face, indifferent eyes, reflecting the light of the campfire.

People say that when you forget someone, the first thing you forget is their voice. But when he spoke, it wasn’t unfamiliar at all.

"You are old." He said

The music was still flowing, in this place closest to hell.

Pangzi came up, hooked his arm around Men You Ping's shoulder, and caused him to stumble: "How can we compare with you, Xiaoge? And you were willing to come out!!"

Men You Ping swayed from all the jostling.I pulled down my sleeve, covered the scars on my arm, and stood up.

He smiled at me and I lifted my bag: 'Let’s go."We just…haven’t seen you for a long time.

....

I live at the North Sea and you at the South Sea,

I asked the wild goose to pass a letter but was told they could not.

Each of us held a cup of wine and talked amid spring wind with peach and plum blossom,

For ten years we missed each other before lamps during night rain outside.

Note: About the poem, MereBear has already explained here. This is the Chinese version:

我居北海君南海，寄雁传书谢不能；

桃李春风一杯酒，江湖夜雨十年灯。

In short, it's about friendship, a happy gathering and how deeply they missed each other after they parted.

There is an interesting meta about Xiaoge's "you're old", read here.

Top comment: So when Xiaoge explained the amnesia brought by the heavenly gift in Sea of Lights, he looked into Wu Xie's eyes and said "there will be a little left", which means that Xiaoge faced endless darkness in the door, lost his perception of time, and had to use his remaining memory to try to recall Wu Xie's appearance. The words "you are old" in the past ten years contains Xiaoge's deep and heavy longing for Wu Xie.

21. Daomu Biji Extra: 2019 Mid-Autumn Festival

If Men You Ping said something, then it was fine, but he wouldn’t say anything. Instead, Zhang Haike kept telling me that as an outsider follower of Zhang Qiling, I should take care of these things. Fuck that shit, I thought to myself. I’m a guardian, not an outsider follower. He said that if I did well, I could start the special procedures that would give me the surname Zhang. I could be called Zhang Xie or Zhang Wu Xie in the future. Of course, I could also follow my master and be called Zhang Qixie.

I was so angry that day that I thought my liver was going to burst.

22. Daomu Biji Extra: The Other Shore | The Other Shore (MereBear)

It was too cold here, so after I died, I wouldn't be degraded. I would exist here for thousands and millions of years. I could sit here and let the wind and snow freeze me. According to my experience, hundreds of years later, Men You Ping would see the moment he was seeing now.

I seemed to be seriously ill and chose this ending myself. I was surprisingly calm and had no regrets. Although I could not be truly eternal like him, I found a way to coexist in the same time and space as him.

[....]

I didn't expect it to be so romantic. In this world, there was no other person who could use death as a romantic condiment so naturally.

Note: I think almost the whole short story is candy with a knife, but I can't possibly put it all here. There is a good PV about this short story, you can see it here or here.

Top comment:

”When we first begin to truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the person we love no longer loves us. What we should be afraid of is that even though they are dead, we still can’t stop loving them.”

23. A joke that is written by NPSS and posted on the official blog on Weibo

I hope this letter finds you well, I have heard that Wu Xie is well-informed, has a strong memory, is wise in all things, knows everything about the world like a little snow falls on a red stove and melts immediately, and often stays by the side of the patriarch as the two musical instruments strike the same note. I will come on the moon to meet you.

I looked at the letter, and Pangzi also looked at it, looking at me with an awkward look. I touched my nose and said, "What is this, Chu Liuxiang?"

Note: This joke was about the Zhang family sending a letter to Xiaoge and Wu Xie. “笙磬同音” (the two musical instruments strike the same note) is a metaphor for harmonious relationship as a family, but is often used in wedding congratulations. ☆☆

24. Thousand Faces Part 1-001 | Part 1-Introduction 2 (MereBear)

She looked at me and said, "Wu Xie, what is the secret in your heart? Is there anything you will never let anyone know until you die?"

I looked up at him, and a thought moved in my heart. She tilted her head and caught it: "Ah, you have it in your heart."

I smiled awkwardly. Yes, my thoughts moved just now.

I did have one.

I asked Ah Tuo: "Isn't this embarrassing?"

"That's something only you know." Ah Tou looked at some group photos I had hanging in my study room. "If I tell you a secret that I think is the most incredible. You have to tell me the thought you just had."

[....]

She looked at me, "Let me guess first, do you want... to live forever?"

[....]

"I do, but this is not my secret." I said to Ah Tou, "If there is no afterlife, then I want to live forever. I still have a lot of things I want to do with my friends, but I am not afraid of death. The richness of my life is second to none. I have enough. However, I agree to your conditions."

Note: In the second line, "我抬眼看着他" (I looked up at him), if it was referring to Ah Tou, "他" should be "她". I don't know whether it's a typo or not, some say it's not, and I check the Chinese raw, it still hasn't changed. If it's not a typo, "him" in "I looked up at him" can actually refer to Xiaoge, someone explained it on MereBear's site. Nevertheless, it doesn't change the meaning of "if there is no afterlife, then I want to live forever". Later, in Notes in Rain Village: Courtyard Chapter 12 or Notes in Rain Village: Part 2 Chapter 17, it was emphasized again:

Maybe I don’t believe in the afterlife.

Moreover, the afterlife is meaningless to me. I will not have a more thrilling life than this one.

On the ancient road, I met the ancient soul.

25. Restart Part 1-Not a Chapter | Restart Part 1 Chapter 112,5 (MereBear)

I drank to my heart's content that night. In the past ten or twenty years, I spent my days alone imagining things, panicking and being cowardly. At this moment, I understood the meaning of all of this.

I said to Bai Haotian, "I always hope not to disappoint others. Although it is difficult, I have finally reached the point in my life where I will be satisfied if I can just not disappoint one person."

[....]

I dreamed of the Tibetan Lama Temple, the floating ribbons in my dream, and I dreamed of everything, where I belonged, where my life belonged to, but I dared not touch, emphasize, or solidify it. I was afraid that I was not worthy of those memories, those times. Even though I had done so many things and controlled so many other people, I still did not dare to say any beautiful words.

26. Restart Part 1 Chapter 141 | Part 1 Chapter 141 (MereBear)

What was so important about me? I was a person who would have to say goodbye to Men You Ping one day in his life. I was a person who delayed Pangzi for getting rich and getting married. I made Xiaohua bankrupt, separated Xiuxiu from her closest relatives, and made my parents live in fear that I would follow Uncle Three’s path. I was far from worthy of the name "innocent (无邪)" my grandfather had given me. But in my confused first half of life, I lived an incredibly wonderful life. I had seen countless wonders in the world. I had the most amazing partner with the most stories in the world. We sang loudly on the cliffs, chanted the sutras on the snow-capped mountains, drank wine in the Gobi Desert, and watched the moon on the sea.

I've had enough in this life.

In Sina Weibo micro interview on August 03, 2018, NPSS talked about the bolded sentence:

Q: In the past ten years, Wu Xie's inner demon was Xiaoge. Ten years later, is Wu Xie's inner demon the life span? In the Reboot, he mentioned it many times. I feel depressed when I think of "I am a person who will have to say goodbye to Men You Ping one day in his life".

A: Most people in life will eventually say goodbye. For the one who leaves first, everything will return to peace. The one who leaves later will feel a little painful. It's not that scary. It's just unwilling to accept it.

27. Restart Part 1 Chapter 204 & Chapter 208

"...You have to understand what love is. Love is like a ghost. You can't see it when it comes, and it makes no sound when it leaves. Even if it's there, it's moving around. This thing doesn't make sense, it's fucking haunted. When you see it, it'll just pat its butt and leave. You ask it if it wants to leave or not. If it doesn’t go, you’ll have to light three pillars of incense. If it goes away, you can't find it back even if you burn down the house..."

[....]

"I just want to know what's behind the bronze door. If I'm about to die, can you please whisper something in my ear?" I said in the direction of Men You Ping.

There was no response from the other end, so I said, "If I am about to die, just say something in my ear, and then I will leave with peace of mind. Otherwise, you can't send me away even with three pillars of incense.

28. Restart Part 2 Chapter 12 | Chapter 12 (MereBear)

...But when I saw the look in Men You Ping's eyes when he looked at the rain, I didn't know what year or century he was thinking about.

It was so annoying to partner with a god.

29. Notes in Rain Village Chapter 5

Men You Ping looked at the snow. The wind was blowing in the wrong direction, and the snowflakes kept drifting in. His hair quickly turned white.

I wonder what he would look like with white hair.

30. Notes in Rain Village Chapter 15

"If I were your child*, would you not allow me to smoke?"

"Ah, I don't know, but you fell into a crack in the ground in the middle of the night. I don't have a daughter with night blindness." I glanced at Men You Ping, who was leaning against the door and looking at the two of us. His expression seemed to say, "You two both fell into a crack in the ground, what's there to discuss?"

Note: "If I were your child" is “如果我是你生的” in Chinese raw. There is a comment saying:

“The sentence "if I was born by you (如果我是你生的)" is very interesting. Children usually only use the word "birth (生)" to their mothers, and should say "if I were your child (如果我是你的孩子)" to their fathers. Xu Lei (NPSS) used the word "birth (生)" to Wu Xie through the girl's mouth, and I dare not think about it too much.” ☆

Comment: It's not the first time NPSS used the "birth" joke to Wu Xie, and I still remember how Wu Xie's word in Restart "我他妈能生四个" (I can give birth to four) is like a well-known joke in the fandom. So, I can only blame NPSS for how normal I feel about PingXie Mpreg fics and how many there are.. (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

31. Notes in Rain Village Chapter 17

Men You Ping walked towards us, one step, two steps, three steps, six or seven steps.

He walked to our side, and I looked back at where he was just now, and he was no longer there.

Don't worry about it, I thought to myself, we couldn’t go up, so he walked down.

32. Notes in Rain Village Chapter 23

The two dismantled caissons were finally put up with a simple scaffolding. Men You Ping was so damn cool, I had no idea how he dismantled it. Apart from the movements, I found his extreme concentration and skill really enviable.

33. Notes in Rain Village Chapter 24

I felt a little dizzy after drinking and had a very long dream that night. I dreamed of snow-capped mountains and my own ending.

It was the first time I had this kind of dream, but I knew that I would often dream about this moment from now on.

In this world, everyone was a circle and Men You Ping was the only eternal straight line. We were strung on this straight line like Buddhist prayer beads, heading for the other side that Buddha could see. It was just that the other side was an infinite time and space.

34. Notes in Rain Village: Courtyard Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 (MereBear)

At about 9 o'clock, I was looking at the yard from the window and saw Men You Ping tidying up the moss in the yard alone. I leaned on the windowsill, he sorted it out for more than two hours, and I watched him for more than two hours.

I didn't know if he liked my plan or not, but I thought if Pangzi liked it very much, he might like it a little.

35. Notes in Rain Village: Travel Chapter (Physical Book Version)

That night I had a dream. I dreamed that all the happiness here turned into little elves, flying around people. There was also one behind Deren. His face was constantly changing, but the elf was still shining.

"Don't worry, it's okay." In the dream, Men You Ping said to me. The elf behind him hid in his hair and looked at me shyly.

36. Notes in Rain Village: Travel Chapter 43

It just happened to be the last moment of sunset, and the sunset glow on the sea turned colorful. We parked the car and unloaded the poultry and livestock. Pangzi went in to prepare dinner with his friends, and Men You Ping and I sat on the embankment by the sea.

Source: Here

37. Notes in Rain Village: Pastoral Chapter 8

Then I saw a very magical place: there was a place far away in the starry sky, where the stars were very dense, and those stars were like waterfalls sliding down from the sky, rushing all the way to the clouds below the train.

"The stars are falling," I said to Men You Ping, sounding like a nonsensical child. "Falling, falling down."

38. Notes in Rain Village: Pastoral Chapter 33

When I was halfway up, even though I was wearing a raincoat, I was completely soaked and looked very miserable. I knew I would not give up, but I still felt a little desperate. As if I had sensed something, I suddenly stopped and looked back.

Men You Ping was standing behind me.

I didn't know when he came, but it was just like ten thousand times before.

39. Looking for the Dead in the Sea of Lights Chapter 24

As soon as I walked out of the circle of light from the bonfire, Men You Ping rushed out from the darkness on the other side of the camp, in the opposite direction from me. He jumped on his horse, leaped over the bonfire, rushed behind me, and lifted me onto the horse with one hand. Then, two men and one horse rushed towards Pangzi.

40. Queen Mother's Ghost Banquet Chapter 82

"I, I, I..." I tried to describe it, but I couldn't see clearly with my eyes squinting. I murmured, "I need Xiaoge. I really need him this time."

That's it. Obviously, it's not all of them, but I'm spent haha. People in the Chinese fandom often said that PingXie is a Chinese-style cp and pure love “纯爱” type of ship, which I think it's indeed true. Their heartfelt moments are often hidden between allusions and metaphors, and the strong bond between them mostly relies on the emotional attachment rather than just physical touches or skinships. To me, it makes them so unique and interesting. What's more the taste of pure love that people often associate with this cp/ship is actually pretty rare itself. In the end, they did care for each other regardless of what people used to define their relationship (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*+♡

𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝟖𝟏𝟕!ヾ⁠(⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠*⁠)⁠ﾉ

[artbyblastweave]

I think New Vegas out of all the fallout games has the highest density of locations that are still being used for their intended pre-war purpose, albeit in a dilapidated state or under substantially different management. Goodsprings and Nipton were small stopover towns on the way to Vegas before, and they’re still that now. The NCRCF was a prison before the war and it’s still that now. Sloan is still a quarry and Boulder City is still making concrete for government construction projects. Novac was a motel before and it’s a motel now. The Vegas Strip is back in business, the vibes artificially resuscitated. Primm was discount Vegas then, discount Vegas now. Helios One and Hoover Dam are still power plants, still important because they’re power plants. And when locations do get repurposed, there’s typically a better understanding of what they used to be- the NCR knows full well that McCarran used to be an airport, that Camp Golf used to be a resort, there’s no mythologizing going on. Compare the broadly ramshackle settlement construction of Fallout 3 and the monument-centric settlement construction of Fallout 4. Not totally sure what conclusions ought to be drawn from this, but I think it’s interesting.

[wall-maria-around-ba-sing-se]

Ok before I start Chapter 13 I'm going to write down as many theories and details from The Version Of The Post-Game Story In My Head that I can remember before I get influenced by the new stuff:

Naturally, spoilers for the entire game up to chapter 12 and for Yelv's affinity missions

About Mira

Mira is a simulation/conservatory of sorts for endangered civilizations. A wholly artificial planet. Its disparate pieces are cut out of planets that the program failed to save previously/before it was formally established.

The parameters of the planet can be adjusted to "approximate" normal for whatever civilization is being sent there (gravity, presence/absence of water, atmospheric make up, etc)

Unclear if this Conservatory Planet is run by the Samaarians, but I like to think it is as a parallel of Humans trying to save endangered animals who are only endangered because of our own interference

The various ancient civilizations structures are previous civilizations taken to Mira for conservation. Whether they were successfully resuscitated or simply parished is unclear.

The Planet is still dangerous of course because you still have to "prove" you're strong/advanced/smart enough to survive on your own once it spits you back out into the real world

The flash of light people see before crashing on Mira is them being scanned in/accepted into this pocket space

There's a big ass supercomputer in the core of the planet running the translator and backup of everyone's memories and just overall monitoring

This computer can pretty much do anything Lifehold was meant to be able to do and more. It spit Lao back out but now in a biological body just like how he would've been if they got the Lifehold working.

Why just Lao and not anyone else who lost their mim? Idk because he's the specialist little boy ig

L was, at least at some point, an admin or some kind of worker of this conservatory. Probably not anymore though I think he just hangs out here now

The phenomenon surrounding Mira that prohibits exiting the planet's spacetime will allow departure after the civilization is deemed by some metric to be sufficiently recovered and not a threat to Samaar

The giant ring in Oblivia is the remains of an attempt of a previous civilization under the planet's guardianship to escape. It was meant to be a warp gate which of course exploded after it was activated. Unclear if it worked and then collapsed or if it destroyed the civilization before they could leave

About Cross

The player character (who I'll just call Cross from now on for simplicity's sake) is some version of a J-Body, though maybe not the same type as Yelv

J-Body is short for "just a body". A mim with no corresponding "real" human

J-Bodies were meant to be military androids at first, explaining why Cross despite their "amnesia" is adept at fighting. The program was scrapped though, and only reinstated after Yelv's affinity mission proved it could still be viable to supplement BLADE's dwindling numbers (how do they still have agents when every NPC knows about a whole squad that died fr)

J-Bodies' personalities and implanted memories are based on Mr.Lone Hero/Elma's Partner (who I'll just call EP for short) with some of the details fudged. Yelv's partner for example is based on Elma, but with their meeting being much earlier in life and of course gender swapped. Instead of being in the Skeleton Crew they were in the US Military together, etc etc

Unclear if EP volunteered to be a Jengo Fett or if some shady mim scientist person decided to use his scan without his permission because he was such an exemplary warrior

Cross was an empty J-Body that got overwritten with EP's actual consciousness during the battle above Mira, (he or someone who thought he was indispensable was trying to use it as an actual mim), but the transfer was hasty and you are now some sort of corrupted double digitized fragment of him. Elma does not know this, but subconsciously recognizes him in you which is why she wanted you on her team immediately

Original EP survived though, and is now split across two bodies. He has his physical appearance and memories but you have his humanity and general demeanor, making EP as the Black Knight a rather sinister character even if he isn't totally a villain

Think what happened with Alpha and A in Future Redeemed except I swear I though of this plotline years ago ok please believe me 😖🙏

About Elma

The core of the Lifehold's mainframe is based off/built on top of the computer in Elma's ship which is why it responds to her biosignature specifically. The pod she was resting in was also part of her ship.

Zooming in on the "Elma came alone" line: she may or may not have been defying orders to come and warn Earth

I'm imagining the scene in ATLA where young Zuko interrupts the general who was planning on using new recruits as bait.

Elma doesn't know about the conservatory, obviously. All she knows is that whatever civilization she lived in before, knew what was going to happen to Earth and didn't particularly care to step in because we were so unadvanced or too far away or something. Some did believe that was unfair and wanted to step in

If Elma didn't literally run away, then I imagine the leaders begrudgingly acquiescing to the faction that wants to help, but they don't want to or can't spare full resources for whatever reason, and so Elma and a ship is all they can spare

If she did run away I imagine she's like A Wanted person, intergalactically

In the "Elma ran away" scenario, I used to think Elma was the same race as the Ghosts, albeit a sympathetic one, because of how purple she is and because of her signature skill being Ghost Factory... but the trailers seem to lean away from this

[alaa-pales]

Please help us to arrange to get my cousin Mohammed aged 17 who has Downs Syndrome and the rest of his family out of Gaza!💔😭

Because Mohammed has Downs Syndrome, he is especially vulnerable during Israeli bombardments because the noise panics him so much that he can’t breathe, speak, or communicate.

During heavy bombing near our house in Gaza district, Mohammed's heart stopped three times, and my parents had to perform artificial resuscitation on him to save his life.

A child, like the rest of the children in the world, has the right to live in a calm and beautiful environment free of wars, genocides and problems. We hope that God will remove this grief so that Mohammed's life can return to normal again and that the child Mohammed, who has a kind and caring heart, can return to sharing his daily routine and the details of his life with his friends.

Every donation, no matter how small, is a huge help - thank you so much for your kindness.

[kara-ltc]

poem not loading? text version available below (click on "keep reading")

Inhaler by Kara

I'm held back By an apparatus- Tied to my throat This artificial lead Acts as my diaphragm I go to jump the gate and Choke on myself Left with strangle marks I snatch the taut cord and Play jump rope instead I toe the tube line Push my limits At only three feet tall- Learned that I Could never reach that high As I grew It shrunk Now it's my pocket apparatus My personal resuscitator My own container of air That I choose to Leave at home instead

[clarepreed]

"Cheating Death" Resus Scene: Larissa's POV

Story Content and Summary - 2,181 words. Larissa's resuscitation from her point of view. Drowning, angst, hurt/comfort, on-site resuscitation.

Recommended reading: Cheating Death.

--

Murky, hot, and suffocating.

Larissa’s environment felt alien and deadly, too claustrophobic to be soothing even though she felt weightless. Her body has become a useless thing, unresponsive to her disjointed commands. Rise. Breathe. Her heart pounded in her ears. She couldn’t focus her eyes, though she was aware of the play of light throughout her wet environment. A shadow loomed over her, accompanied by a distorted sound.

Where am I?

She felt bloated, her chest tight and painful. An ever-present need to breathe air ate at her, but she couldn’t do anything to relieve the hunger.

Pressure beneath her arms, then her head and shoulders broke the surface of the hot pool. She felt cooler air rush over her face as her head sagged back, her neck muscles refusing to engage. Water streamed from her nose and mouth. A blurry shape hunched over her, and then her body leaned back against a hard, smooth surface.

Loud, distorted sounds, then more pressure. Pinching her nose, grasping her jaw. She felt something soft but prickly cover her lips. Then precious air flowed down her trachea, making her lungs swell. The—mouth?—over hers broke the seal and displaced water surged up into her own mouth, running out of the corners. 

Breathe, need to breathe, need to—

More air in, followed by more water out. Her eyes didn’t focus under her control, but shapes, light, and color solidified enough that she realized a person leaned over her, breathed for her. The mouth gave her three more breaths, just enough to stave off panic.

“No, baby, come on!” The familiar voice made her failing heart ache with longing and simultaneously filled her with an ugly feeling she couldn’t identify. Her head sagged back again, and then the person caught her up in their arms and hauled her up out of the water and out of the tub. She felt her feet drag painfully over the lip, heard water splashing onto a hard surface. Her breasts rubbed against wet fabric, and she heard the person huff with effort as they laid her out on a cold, hard surface. Her ears suddenly drained, water trickling from each canal.

The person tipped her head to the side, allowing water to trickle out of her mouth. Then she felt pressure, skin-on-skin contact between her breasts. The pressure increased to an intolerable degree, a sharp pain spreading across her chest. The force pushed air and water from her lungs, and she heard herself release a gurgling huff. 

Shaky, loud words accompanied the rhythmic pressure on her sternum. “One, two, three….”

A man’s voice. One she knew intimately, but she couldn’t produce his name. Not with the relentless pumping of her chest. Her heart stumbled, flopped, then pumped artificially several times before she felt it hammer back into a semblance of a rhythm.

A clattering sound by her ear briefly pulled her attention away from the sharp pains in her chest 

“…seventeen, eighteen… what?!” The man fell silent, though he didn’t stop his assault on her breastbone. She could feel the water in her lungs and stomach sloshing and burbling as he worked. Her throat spasmed, then released, and a moderate amount of water ran over her tongue, spilling out onto the cold floor beneath her.

A ringing sound in the background, and then the weight on her chest increased. Her ribcage protested. “…twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty!”

Hands turned her face upright and lifted her chin; when he bent over her, she finally figured out who the man was.

Mitchell.

His mouth met hers, not in a kiss but to give her air. She felt his breath push through her inflamed airway, filling her wet lungs. The air created pressure inside her chest and displacing the water so much that after a second breath, when he released her nose, something thicker than water gushed from her nostrils.

“9-1-1.” A distant, unfamiliar voice. “What’s the nature of your emergency?”

CPR. Mitchell’s giving me CPR.

As the thought emerged, Larissa felt his hands on her chest again, pressing into her sternum hard and fast.  She felt nauseated; water sloshed inside of her each time he pumped her chest. His voice cracked as he counted. She couldn’t make out everything the other voice said, but Mitchell’s voice broke through: “My wife drowned in the tub!”

How did that happen?

Unbidden, feelings of sorrow, anger, and violation arose inside of her. She felt her heart flutter again, then fall silent for several frightening seconds, moving only because Mitchell was trying to resuscitate her. She tried to take a breath, felt her diaphragm twitch. But she didn’t draw breath, and she didn’t know how long her heart would continue to beat. Perhaps it was too late; she’d taken in too much water and her heart would fail before EMS arrived. 

Her sternum popped as Mitchell continued to give her compressions. She could feel a small amount of air enter her lungs each time his hands allowed her chest to recoil. Then the air left her in a sharp and bubbly gasp. Mitchell was also gasping, obviously both distraught and winded.

“Do you know how long your wife was in the water?” the distant voice asked.

“No! Twenty-nine, thirty!” Her heart broke for him; he sounded devastated, and his hands shook as he reopened her airway. He filled her lungs with warm air, his familiar lips on her skin, his short beard scratching her face. The second breath almost caught; she felt her throat spasm, though she still couldn’t draw a breath.

“One, two, three…” The force of Mitchell’s hands shoving into her sternum made her entire body rock. Her head wobbled, finally tipping to the side. Water trickled from her nose. She could feel her shoulders shrugging and her hands moving back and forth on the cold tile. Her bloated stomach rippled and bulged each time he pumped her chest. Her thighs shook, feet swaying back and forth. Gulping sounds were forced from her lips as Mitchell continued to count. “…eleven, twelve, thirteen…”

“Do you know what may have caused her to drown?” A tinny voice, coming from a phone speaker.

Something terrible on that phone.

“No, I… I can’t be certain…” Her heart was beating too fast again, evident only between the artificial beats forced by Mitchell’s hands. Her sternum crushed downward, then popping up. 

“Hungh, hungh, hungh,” she heard from her mouth. More water came out of her, spraying her lips. 

“Heart trouble, fainting, a seizure… I don’t know!” Mitchell sounded like he was going to cry. She couldn’t remember why she’d gotten in the tub without him being there. “Her doctor recently reduced her seizure medication, but I just don’t know!”

Mitchell’s hands moved from her chest to her head, his passion and agitation making him rough as he jerked her airway open. His fingers pinched her nose and his mouth pressed hard over hers. She felt her cheeks bulge out and his breath rush down into her aching lungs. Her heart skipped another few beats. Mitchell blew a second deep breath into her lungs.

“I do have an ambulance on the way, sir.”

“One, two…” Mitchell’s hands were on her chest again. This time, pain knifed through her and down the left side of her ribcage as something let go with an audible crack. Mitchell gasped but quickly resumed counting, the room filling with the sound of his voice and the squelch of moisture and the thump of his hands forcing her heart to beat regularly. “…twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty!”

Two more big breaths, forced into her so hard they made her stomach swell instead of her chest. Mitchell didn’t seem to notice; he was already back on her chest and pumping even harder than he had before. The rhythm briefly took over her entire mind. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, down and up, down and up, beat and beat and beat…

Larissa’s body tried to vomit without warning, her abdominal muscles spasming and water rushing painfully up her throat. She heard him call her name and then he was rolling her onto her side. His fingers pressed hard into her neck and knew he’d find her erratic pulse.

“Larissa? Larissa! Take a breath!”

She tried, but she still couldn’t move or breathe. She felt his hand slide from her side to her upper abdomen, the heel of his hand finding a spot just above her navel. He pressed hard, moving his hand in and up toward her diaphragm. The gesture forced water up from her stomach and lungs, splashing onto the floor by her face. Another thrust to her abdomen and her body vomited, completely out of her control or ability to recover from. 

Mitchell grasped her face and slid his finger into her open mouth, sweeping between her teeth to clear her airway. She knew he expected her to take a breath now, but her muscles were unresponsive and her heart skipped another few beats.

“I need you to BREATHE, LARISSA!” he was almost shouting at her, his grip on her face painful. She flopped onto her back as Mitchell rolled her over and opened her airway with a hand underneath her neck. The breaths were easier now, filling her lungs and sating her. He breathed for her like this for a while. It was a comforting rhythm, breaths several seconds apart. The irregular flutter of her heart calmed, and she felt him press his fingers to her neck again.

“Come on, Larissa! Breathe!” He gripped her bare shoulder, squeezing it painfully. She felt a fresh wave of sorrow roll over her at the sound of his frightened voice. He gave her another breath, and then his knuckles dug into her sore sternum. The gesture hurt, and she flinched, her eyes closing involuntarily. She tried to take a breath, but her body was still too weak. Instead, she laid there, heart tripping along, body encased in exhaustion.

“Larissa?” His hands trailed over her face and body, and then his knuckles ground into her sternum again. She drifted, losing touch with her body. Distantly, she heard Mitchell cry out: “Dammit!”

He began to breathe for her again, the fingers of one hand holding her nose closed, the others pressed to the pulse point in her neck. Every five or six seconds, he gave her a breath. She let it sink into her, comfort her. 

The breaths carried her until, to her surprise as much as his, she took a breath. It was shallow and weak and made her cough. The second breath was better, as Mitchell clasped her face in his hands and urgently asked her: “Larissa, can you hear me?”

Each breath felt labored, sapping away her energy as fast as it was given. She’d been birthed into a cold, hard, wet place, and for the first time she regretted being removed from the warm, wet tub. She shook uncontrollably as Mitchell placed her on her side, then felt him cover her with something soft and warm.

“Larissa.” His lips pressed against her damp temple. “Open your eyes, baby.”

Mitchell…

She yearned for his embrace, whimpering and reaching for him even as the fingers of doubt and anger found her again. 

“You’re okay.”

No, I’m not.

He brushed her hair back from her face. “I’m here.”

Larissa opened her eyes and gazed up at him in abject misery.

“Oh, thank God!” He had her face in his hands again, planting kisses all over her face. “Holy shit!”

Something’s wrong.

Larissa coughed, the fit sending pain through her chest. Mitchell rubbed her back as she clutched at her bruises. 

Something between us…

“God baby, I love you!”

“Mitch-ell,” she wheezed. His words rang false. She frowned at him, still weak and confused.

“You had an accident in the bath.” He stroked her cheek, oblivious to her inner turmoil. “Do you have any idea what happened?”

Larissa glanced around the room for clues. “I had… an accident?” What was I doing?

What was he doing?

“I found you in the tub, baby,” he said. An image came to mind of her crying in the tub.

“I don’t know what happened,” he continued. She heard him heave a shaky sigh. “Oh, I love you…”

Love. You love me. You… 

The images came back all at once. Mitchell, cock buried deep inside an unfamiliar younger woman. His mistress.

Anger burned away the remainder of her confusion, though she was still too weak to push him away and get up off the floor. “My… phone,” she wheezed.

“Oh, shit!” Mitchell evidently found her phone, but he didn’t give it to her, speaking into it instead. “I’m sorry! She’s breathing again, and conscious! Oh, are they? Larissa, I have to let the paramedics in. I’ll be right back!”

Then he scrambled to his feet and left the room.

Waves of sorrow, betrayal, loneliness, and hatred rolled over her. Despite the pain, despite how much harder it was to breathe, she curled into a tight ball, arms clutching her knees to her chest. Then she wept.