#Ariana’s line delivery is so damn good

[notearsnora]

Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande at the Olympics in Paris for Wicked.

[cto10121]

finally saw wicked: part 1 (2024). after literal decades in development, this actually saw the light of day, alas. but honestly…it did exceed my very low expectations. take it away, hugo montenegro.

the good:

this movie is made for the wicked theater fans. and honestly…kudos. usually movie musicals attempt to pull in as large an audience as possible by going against their source material and so end up satisfying no one. but this one is like “nope. we’re here for the theater gals and pals. we’re a musical. we just made it longer so it’s no longer the breakneck speed of the stage show. fuck everyone else” oh hell yes

for that matter, this movie is basically just act one of the movie, with a couple of extra stuff thrown in. i had hoped-feared they would include more maguire and thus mix up two complete universes in an unholy tango...but nope. there was virtually no (extra) maguire. and though it pains me to admit it…it was perhaps for the best. save all that juicy stuff for the hbo show

ariana grande as glinda. i know, i’m shocked too. i don’t give a damn about these modern pop stars, so believe me when i say that she pulled it off, even the comic bits. she’s definitely no kristen chenoweth, but you can tell she worked her ass off. that whole popular sequence came off spectacularly

jonathan bailey as fiyero. i am, indeed, a red-blooded het woman. “dancing through life” was great. also, he absolutely sold his attraction to elphaba (even if he did look better with glinda...but that was the point, so A+ casting). that said, i still miss my hot sweet ethnically ambiguous book fiyero. i would never kick bailey out of bed, but only for book fiyero did elphaba fall into a coma. just saying

elphaba/fiyero is one of the few things i give the musical a little credit for developing more, at least during the shiz years. the film not only retains it, they even give the two a classic jane eyre/rochester introduction. nice. i just wish they would have more moments together. i suspect they’re saving them for act 2

the chorus parts. they were consistently great. “no one mourns the wicked” was particularly strong.

erivo and grande’s chemistry was great and their vocal blend impressive. i was very much pleased at how good they sounded together. very nice

the wizard’s “the way to bring people together was to give them a good enemy” line was great. i just wish it would have been book wizard’s line

the bad:

“the time dragon clock” 🤮 maguire, i’m so sorry

giving elphaba an Animal nanny as if that would ~explain elphaba’s passion for Animal rights. 🤮 not this film being even more dumbed down than the musical

the slower tempos on a lot of the songs, but especially elphaba’s. also the excessive rubato. it contributed to a lot of the (albeit minor) pacing problems, imo

elphaba has always been underwritten in the musical compared to glinda, but i swear this movie took away some of her more fiery moments too. at the very least, musical elphabas had fiery and passionate lines and personality

cynthia erivo as elphaba in general. don’t get me wrong, she did cut a very grand and imposing elphaba; as the witch, she was impressive. as elphaba, though? meh. i was shocked that i didn’t like her performance as much as grande’s; i was expecting the exact opposite. as for singing, erivo is very good on the high notes, but otherwise her phrasing and delivery were off. she sounded oddly flat and inexpressive otherwise. her first line should have been sarcastic and sassy as all fuck. she was definitely a more quiet-introverted elphaba. good for vulnerable moments, i guess. i just miss book elphaba’s fire so much

the whole “wizard and i” sequence was underwhelming and cringey at parts, bogged down as it was by a too-literal presentation. we should have been seeing elphaba’s fantasies about the wizard and the crowd of ozians loving her (hell, even show the good-news-she’s-dead crowd in munchkinland for that extra dose of irony). instead, we are just watching her run across a wheat field, and then the money note and then awkward silence and then she runs back. fortunately this overall literal filmmaking was ultimately rare and seemed only to appear mostly in elphaba’s solos

having “no one mourns the wicked” in the middle of the day. i don’t know, it just feels off to my brain. it’s a pretty intense number, so i always felt it was more apropos for the nighttime. minor quibble, i guess

elphaba’s father. they changed him from a one-dimensional awful father to a cartoonish one. him meeting boq was just 🤦‍♀️ book frexspar, i’m sorry, they did you so dirty

the depiction of elphaba’s powers seriously gave me the ick. the opening scene especially with child!elphaba magically throwing rocks at the jeering children was...a choice. the way it was edited, it made her actions seem deliberate, with frex’s angry reaction justified. which was 🤮 for me. even later on in the movies, whenever elphaba would lose it, she didn’t seem to express much fear or even panic as she should

michelle yeoh and jeff goldblum were the weakest singers, hands down. this is fine for act 1 where they have all of (1) singing part, but goldblum is going to have to do “wonderful”which will be...definitely rough. and that’s unfortunately the best number in the musical

the ugly:

the color/lighting. no duh, but yeah. it was just so dry and desert-like. no contrast at all, and no variation, even in the emerald city. the visuals of the theater show were more stunning. what happened to crazy rich asians!jon chu?

padding, padding, everywhere. some of it was justified for the grand finale, but others was just…not. a lot of the numbers just stretched on for no good reason. for example:

the ozdust ballroom scene where elphaba begins dancing alone. it stretched on for far too long for my tastes. whereas in the musical, it was a reasonable and even touchingly significant

some of the choreography was a little off too, albeit well-danced. i don’t remember the stage choreography being this unfocused. it was perhaps saved by the good editing, but still

that “wizomania” extension + idina menzel and kristen chenoweth cameos. as much as it pleased me to see them, that part of the sequence was interminable. the new musical parts were awful melodically

the politics. the musical dumbed down so much of maguire’s oz as it was, but this movie straight up delivered some of its exposition through a fucking picture book. wtf. literally only the Animal rights plot was retained, but that one scene with all the CGI animals was the cringiest

the worldbuilding. it sucked ass, even worse than the 1939 film. i know i said the film not including anything extra from maguire’s book was perhaps for the best, but the movie’s world was so paper-thin it was see-through. maguire’s book would have been a very easy reference to solve this problem. they could have at least included the wizard-did-a-coup-and-killed-the-ozma-ruling-family element, since that at least was part of the original oz books. in the books the ozians believe dorothy is ozma returned to oz again; hence their fondness over dorothy. instead, we got wizard propaganda for 2 hours and then ten minutes of “oh, yeah, he’s a conman and a fraud btw lol we sort of forgot about that”

speaking of which, the fact that this movie whitewashed the wizard and madame morrible, even more so than the musical. in trying to keep the twist a secret, the movie just gave up on any useful foreshadowing. the authoritarian undertones could and should have been much stronger. what little of them there were completely jarred with the teen rom com vibe

“something bad.” weakest number in the musical and overall weak here. i did not care for the design for dr dillamond and the other animals. i would have preferred human actors with prosthetics, and it probably would have been cheaper

overall, this was an usually well-made movie musical. i even want to see it again, something i don’t feel for many recent movies save west side story. wicked is definitely inferior to wss in every way as a musical…but movie-wise, i really prefer chu’s directorial approach rather than spielberg’s. i think chu understands musicals and how they should be filmed better, even if the results are inconsistent. i’m glad this movie came out as well as it did, and i have high hopes for part 2. more importantly, this will open up doors to more movie musicals, so it’s a win on all fronts.

[sugar-petals]

Bts voice analysis anon here! I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond ❤ it made complete sense why yoongi is the deepest I kinda feel bad for him everytime he wants to sounds cheerful or speak in a way so people can hear him he strains his voice

lot to talk about, i’d like to expand on this. especially what his voice being the deepest means for bts’ songs. plus, where his undiscovered vocal talents are, and in what manner his voice will not strain.

that he’s very introverted contributes to what you say, but yoongi is certainly the odd one out voice-wise, such low baritones hardly sound upbeat. similar to how taehyung being the odd one out in the vocal line whose head voices are literal superpowers. i really respect him for singing with jin and jimin who can climb one octave higher than him, up to C#5! and with jk who has the best technique and breaks into the 6th octave if he goes on like that.

it’s very much like yoongi who probably has to mix their tracks back and forth to fit his parts with hobi (who is a tenor as a rapper! — very uncommon) and namjoon who raps in several modes. very low, very high, very impactfully. he’s the most full-bodied baritone in the group even if he’s only the third-deepest. the tone is just so rich. both hoseok and RM are extreme vocal chameleons on top of that. in speaking and in their music you can hear the difference to yoongi all the time. they don’t suddenly drop in pitch and they’re vocal acrobats.

hobi in particular, this guy can do anything. the sheer agility my god, he connects his registers. he can go up and down, impersonate and do a million effects, adlibs, you know the drill. it’s him who actually owns the “cheerful/loud and clear” brand you mention. which is good if not fantastic for yoongi’s production endeavours, the group mood, and how bts cannot be ignored — but tough for yoongi’s voice and comparison thinking, and when he tries to make a point in interviews. maybe it’s not bad that bts have to slow down sometimes to let yoongi speak, but his tone is drowned out (not intentionally of course) in other occasions and he wakes up hoarse often as we saw. which might sound hot, but it’s not good for him as you say.

to be clear. i wouldn’t chalk down his more monotonous and silent tone as a weakness, it’s just outside of bts’ other vocal variety. he makes up for it with speed and good lungs anyway. we just have to listen more closely to him in talks/episodes/conferences but i think he shouldn’t worry about it either or try to sound more enthusiastic, the fans love his soothing speech for its pure sake. he does change it regardless to be more poignant and blend in. it has pros and cons but it wears him out.

yoongi’s voice is under that strain not just in conversation but also in the studio if he wants to bring connection to the rap line parts instead of having 3 songs in 1. which usually ends up happening anyway. that’s also why the cyphers (!) switch genres mid-song so often: their voices are all strong in different registers! yoongi the lowest, joon midrange, and hoseok up high. 

that’s why cypher pt2 is a HUGE stunt and production masterpiece: hoseok’s part is tuned differently, then other instrumentals start with namjoon. and you can literally hear, okay alright a deep voice is coming! from there it just gets deeper and deeper until yoongi is just rapping over a bass guitar (every baritone’s best friend lmao!). god, please give yoongi a big bassline for his every part. “ugh” is the exact opposite: yoongi has to start too high and namjoon also has problems with the key, only hoseok can fully take off after 1:50 with perfect vocal stability. guess which song is autotuned: it’s not cypher pt2! a 3 in 1 song fuels the rapline in a way where they are most comfortable. it’s crazy how far apart they are among each other vocally and it has to be considered.

it’s a dilemma but also why bts’ rap line can tackle any song with at least one member suiting it. they complement each other, every register (except the rare whistle register, aka what mariah/ariana do) is covered. i think that contributed to bts’ fame, it’s so important. however usually, the song caters to hoseok since tenors are preferred in kpop music, or it caters to RM as he’s the central songwriting entity even if mind you, he always thinks about all the members and works closely with yoongi.

but even with joon’s support, it doesn’t work if yoongi is caught in his wish to be a tenor. we’ve seen how much the guy talks about wanting his range to become wider and how he even tried singing quite high for his standards on d-2. he goes as far as collabing only with sopranos to help him achieve that pitch. yoongi is invested to pretty much change his entire vocal type 🙁because the environment simps for high notes so bad (which is fair, falsetto is related to releasing certain happy hormones and highlights parts in songs, but still).

... he actually can’t, unless he wants to damage his throat. that’s the last thing we want. a listener can get the serotonin from a very deep voice equally if they got good taste.

thing is. you cannot morph yourself into a different vocal type and shift your range to the opposite of your comfort zone unless you’re whitney houston. even one in a million tenors like baekhyun can’t make themselves a baritone. his lowest notes are less clear no matter how hard he practices, even if his chest voice is almost operatic and his technique excels. meanwhile, chanyeol (who’s a lyric baritone and exo’s deepest voice) effortlessly hits them without (!!) that kind of decade-long training. have baekhyun or jimin been called bad singers for not being able to cover the other end of the spectrum? nope. so: why would yoongi be a bad vocalist who needs autotune. with lessons, oh man, he could do a lot and many things he dreams of. he has a very unique timbre and enough musical knowledge to do so.

so, we see the magic of your natural supported range. it’s simply given to you. imagine that: if you know you’re not a tenor, you could sort of outsing jungkook — obviously not by technique, but projection— as long as the song is tailored to you and the notes are low enough. yep, jk’s lower register is not extremely forward. each note is perfectly sung because he’s jk, but his power vocals are settled much higher. joon/tae/yoongi would sound much fuller with huge oomph in those lines. that’s where yoongi would be much more clear-sounding to us. a lot of baritone rappers in kpop would be damn good singers. 

that’s why it’s good how a lot of rappers produce solos on their own so they can try it out. 

you just have to respect that your range usually (not always) goes in one direction. once yoongi rightfully decides to abandon his high note fantasy and goes lower just for fun, we are not safe anymore lmao! exception for range: female singers have an advantage there. trained mezzo-sopranos have great access to the head voice and lower registers since they’re in the perfect middle of the scale. but the guys, forget it, even the baritenors. yoongi’s fullest voice will always be coming from a chesty depth and we love him for it. guy just needs to realize.

that’s why his real challenge is rather somehow tweaking the rap parts so his voice finds good resonance like in “혼술” or even “ddaeng”. where his voice is strong, relaxed, and full and flowing. ddaeng — “boy with luv”, too— is ironically in a very high pitch and again caters to hobi’s tone the most, but: yoongi just scales down to his own octave and it still fits, so — great key choice and musicality! and adaptation. it’s not easy to do. you can tell he plays piano.

he either becomes less easy on the ear or has to autotune himself entirely if he works against his voice. or: goes on a track way outside his supported range (dynamite, WOW). it’s a shame. “daechwita” and “agust d” are such a case: both go into the head voice where your resonance should show the most aka the chorus. there are aggressive belts/snarls/shouts that make more sense for higher, trained voices. yoongi is most famous for raps that are literally designed to fuck up his vocal cords ����that he’s so skilled as a rapper prevents him from that to a degree, but it’s still not healthy. he adapts a lot to bts’ overall delivery but he doesn’t have to, in fact: he could go in the other direction and it would work even better.

the reason for the title track issue: they are the most energetic. in k-pop, energetic means amping up the pitch. and that’s probably a logical choice and a natural human association. if you make a baritone kpop track with a lot of energy, it probably becomes pretty creepy, uneasy, film noir. but i think that’s exactly yoongi’s thing: to unsettle and critique and rage. i think it could work out. lil nas x is a baritone pulling it off. he achieves energetic title tracks, he honors his vocal type well imo. his live singing is cool af, i need this so hard in the rap landscape. so, it’s not impossible to do.

the trick is probably setting everything to minor key. surprise... yoongi’s challenging title tracks are all in major key. boy with luv: minor key, interesting. the former are extremely difficult for him to do so hats off. “shadow” is more suitable for his baritone as is “burn it”. it needs a very heavy, dark track. which is why it’s good that yoongi has that kind of public image. a baritone’s best genre is not super light and whimsical. that’s why all of our baritone faves are not main vocalists but main rappers. kai, taehyung, jaehyun: low voices in vocal lines are soldiers.

---

now a note on yoongi’s best method of singing since it reflects his voice type and brings out the fullness of it. as in, how does it crack and strain less? guess why “사람” is yoongi’s favorite d-2 song to sing. it’s ALL his comfortable range and the singing — very beautifully done —  is in mixed register (= head + chest)! which imo might be his secret weapon. it allows him to do what he longs to do successfuly without going extremely high. bingo.

because: even with baritones, the golden middle is still important. they’re not as deep as a bass, after all. that’s why their voices are so honey-laced in the mixed range and it sounds amazing. heaven, their timbre sounds so seductive. so, it’s wonderful when they find their middle and dare to sing. 

i wish yoongi gets/makes more tracks aimed at just that. in “outro tear” he has to go both too low and too high so it takes a lot of production effort to patch it together. the rapline is doing god’s work to make all their voices sound cohesive without being trained singers. it’s always a trade-off and risk, an immense balance act. “paldogangsan” is hard on yoongi’s voice but works as a whole plus it caters to namjoon to carry the song’s message. the cyphers are chopped up and not chart-friendly but each member is in their comfort zone. 

PS: i said bts’ rap line covers all registers except one. i think that jin is the one to complete bts’ entire spectrum coming from the vocal line. i’m no whistle note expert but dionysus went pretty high up there, i think he might be able to do it. it’s very impressive, even jungkook and jimin probably don’t have access to that register. so, another point for bts being a very ‘complete’ group.

[storiesforallfandoms]

Masterlist!

Here’s the masterlist of all my imagines and preferences! Imagines marked as * are smutty imagines! Imagines marked as ` are requests!

IMAGINES

CRIMINAL MINDS the runner ~ aaron hotchner` punishment ~ aaron hotchner`

LUCIFER make you a believer ~ ella lopez silence ~ lucifer morningstar

HEMLOCK GROVE get away ~ roman godfrey (part one) midnight drive ~ roman godfrey (part two)

AMERICAN HORROR STORY freak ~ xavier plympton (part one) protecting you ~ xavier plympton (part two)` a surprise by the lake ~ xavier Plympton` taken care of ~ michael langdon don’t worry ~ michael langdon` loopholes ~ michael langdon*` change in plans ~ michael langdon` revenge ~ montana duke

RIVERDALE grief ~ archie andrews the new queen ~ fp jones (part one) seducing the queen ~ fp jones (part two) the list ~ jason blossom something more than just points ~ jason blossom’ no one will hurt you` ~ sweet pea

THE BODYGUARD new assignment ~ david budd (part one) nightmares ~ david budd (part two) the photoshoot ~ david budd (part three) take away and beer ~ david budd (part four) art ~ david budd (part five) threats ~ david budd (part six) getting her things ~ david budd (part seven)

PEAKY BLINDERS not part of the deal ~ thomas shelby private ceremony ~ thomas shelby superstar ~ thomas shelby` too good ~ thomas shelby` can’t lose you ~ thomas shelby crossfire ~ john shelby an accidental addition ~ thomas shelby family ~ shelby family the enemy’s sister ~ thomas shelby (part one)` a dangerous love affair ~ alfie solomons a woman leader ~ john shelby disapprove ~ thomas shelby (part two) no one’s whore ~ thomas shelby* daddy’s girl ~ thomas shelby take a break ~ thomas shelby

THE WITCHER dance partner ~ geralt of rivia (part one) company ~ geralt of rivia (part two)* stay the night ~ geralt of rivia*` some sort of miracle ~ geralt of rivia same problem ~ yennefer of vengerberg my lady ~ geralt of rivia*` imperfections ~ geralt of rivia`

DOCTOR WHO always loved you ~ thirteen

GAME OF THRONES betrothed ~ robb stark (part one) riding alone ~ robb stark (part two)

Z NATION facing it alone ~ 10k’ let me go ~ 10k what are we gonna do? ~ 10k

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY love and drugs ~ klaus hargreeves the horror~ ben hargreeves’ no one helps but you ~ klaus hargreeves` and they were roommates ~ klaus hargreeves` lock the door ~ ben hargreeves*`

VICTORIOUS a little too good at acting ~ beck oliver faint ~ beck oliver`

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES living dead ~ damon salvatore eternity ~ damon salvatore*`

HANNIBAL are you going to hurt me? ~ hannibal lecter his type ~ hannibal lecter

BARRY what they do in the movies ~ barry berkman

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY i have no one ~ freddie mercury

K-12 don’t send me home ~ leo` jealousy ~ angelita`

BREAKING BAD/EL CAMINO hideaway ~ jesse pinkman* project partner ~ jesse pinkman

DCEU the new intern ~ clark kent rescue mission ~ harley quinn man’s world ~ harley quinn

SCREAM scary movies ~ billy loomis talk me down ~ stu macher`

HARRY POTTER tutor ~ draco malfoy stood up ~ draco malfoy

MCU see you again ~ loki my hero ~ mysterio delivery boy ~ peter parker locked up ~ clint barton`

KINGSMAN not a damn damsel ~ eggsy

A QUIET PLACE keep quiet ~ emmett no time for love ~ emmett’

MIDSOMMAR get out of here ~ mark` may queen ~ mark` little sister ~ mark*` secret thrills ~ mark*` don’t go ~ mark’ sacred ~ mark’ seven minutes in heaven ~ mark*` friendship necklace ~ mark` it meant nothing ~ mark` awful ~ dani ardor` something’s wrong ~ mark` whoops ~ mark` enemies to lovers ~ mark`

1917 not the same ~ will schofield

DIVERGENT recruit ~ eric coulter’ rookie ~ eric coulter (part two) don’t belong ~ eric coulter`

8 MILE embarrassed ~ jimmy smith jr.

TWILIGHT soulmates ~ paul lahote`

THE DIRT glorified groupie ~ tommy lee maybe i should ~ tommy lee` be like daddy ~ nikki sixx` normal family christmas ~ nikki sixx`

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID done pretending ~ rodrick heffley the girl next door ~ rodrick heffley`

IT: CHAPTER TWO picking up the kids ~ richie tozier

LES MIS for the revolution ~ enjolras

CHRIS EVANS set ups

BEN HARDY doing him proud

MACHINE GUN KELLY not so bad (part one) remember me` secret meeting (part two) surprise` awkward family dinner (part three) staying the night (part four) out on the town (part five) a very special meeting (part six) feeling used` christmas in cleveland (part seven) lady killer*` we’ll be okay (part eight) the one` getting caught* sweet revenge` get off my girl` can’t do it anymore seeing it all` hear your voice*` do you love me?` one and only (part nine) photographs` why are you here?` happiest i've been` trying` i believe` welcome home*` killshot (part ten) i think i’m okay` it’s not over (part eleven) mistake` drunk fun (w/yungblud)*` reunited (part two of photograph)` bad girl*` fixed` meeting the family (part twelve) good enough` the question (part thirteen) kissing lessons` the wedding (part fourteen) too rough*` teach me` sneaking you out` red carpet` on beat` what if i can’t` role reversal*` massage*` secrets` celebrating*` almost caught` back off*` first time*` trying something new*` missing` not yours` hurting mommy` sweet disaster` loved you first` running lines’

DANIEL WEBBER nothing happened` misunderstanding` advice` loving father` beach day`

TARON EGERTON take me to the pilot*

RICHARD MADDEN lost`

YUNGBLUD not a rebound (part one) a great team` no hope (au)` cuffed, literally (part two)` sick baby` coming home` kisses` drunk fun*` (w/machine gun kelly) lessons` struggling` father to be` coachella` the song’ front row` love you as you are’ cliche`

HARRY STYLES saved (au part one) always a winner` exploring eroda (au part two) picnic (au part three) awkward

KENDALL SCHMIT just us`

CODY FERN distance`

ANDREW SIWICKI secret first date a regular guy` beautiful to me wear my hoodie`

DAVID DOBRIK only yours science experiment bon appetit`

DYLAN GARDNER surprise date`

JEFF WITTEK busy my oh my! passing the time* in trouble a fun game six feet apart you won’t be able to`

EMINEM surprise performance age gap’ private` chains`

ROOK pretty picture` love on tour` protective` toxic love` why are you like this?’ keep it down*` taking care` sick` you’re cute when you’re jealous`*

CILLIAN MURPHY proud`

GEORGE MACKAY medic (au)’

ARIANA GRANDE done with boys

SCOTTY SIRE stuck together

SEBASTIAN STAN the boss’ girl (au)

G-EAZY unimaginable pain` bad reputation` hate*` i do`

CORPSE proposition (part one) caught feelings (part two) actually excited

ZAC EFRON fatherhood`

HENRY CAVILL you deserve better`

AARON TVEIT i thought it’d be happy` a baby next christmas

PREFERENCES

tiktok trends that they participate in with you ~ the vlog squad who walks in on the two of you ~ the umbrella academy

[taste-in-music]

My Other Favorite Songs of 2019

This is a list for all of my favorite songs of the year that aren’t on my album of EP of the year list. (Read my top albums and EPs of the year lists if you want some context.) However, songs from albums that were on my rapid-fire review list are fare game. That’s enough preamble, this list is in no particular order (except, of course, for the final song.) 

Listen along to the complete mix of all these songs HERE. Let’s talk about some great music!

affection by BETWEEN FRIENDS: This was my favorite song off of BETWEEN FRIENDS’s debut EP from this year, we just need some time together. This is the perfect swoony, dreamy pop song that was my relaxing Summer jam. I love the way the melody on the hook is ushered in with a churning bass in the pre-chorus and washes over me with each listen. 

trevi fountain by Leo Kalyan: Leo Kalyan is one of my favorite, (and most underrated) dream pop artists, always able to capture a sense of otherwordly bliss in his music. If there was one word I had to use to describe this song, it would be romantic. This song feels purely, dizzyingly, head-over-heels in love, and it was on repeat for me all throughout Valentine’s Day. 

Numb by Baker Grace: One of the most instantly catchy songs of the year. Chopped-up vocals don’t always work for me, but here they combine with the punchy production in such a way that they contribute to the “over-it” attitude of the song. God, what a bop. 

Clumsy Love by Thelma Plum: This melancholy love song traipsed its way right into my heart as soon as I heard it. The light tambourines, bubbly guitar, and upbeat melody give this song a sunny feel that contrasts nicely with Thelma Plum’s heartbroken lyrics and delivery. 

Love You For A Long Time by Maggie Rogers: If more people used that reverb-layered-vocal-chorus-of-angels effect in their music, then I would like that very much, because so far Miss Maggie Rogers has used it twice, (on this and “Retrograde”) and it has made those songs some of my favorites from her. This sweet, upbeat track was a surprising single after the album, and I swear I listened to it on a loop for a week straight. I’m going to love this song for a long time. 

Karma by MARINA: This is probably my favorite song off of Love + Fear, or at least it was the song that I returned to the most as the year went on. The icy backing vocals and Spanish guitars give the track a cool and refreshing feel. MARINA’s performance is, as always, gorgeous, her rich vocals skating over the frosty soundscape with grace and a hint of sarcasm. 

Gone by Charli XCX ft. Christine and the Queens: One word: BOP. I seriously considered ending the write-up there, but I’ll also mention that Charli and Chris have amazing vocal chemistry, the lyrics about being socially awkward are seriously relatable, and the bass is sick. Also, Chris’s lines in French? Iconic. Even the instrumental breakdown at the end has grown on me. 

Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift: This ended up being my favorite song off Lover, (with “Cruel Summer” taking a close second.) I am obsessed with the sparkly production, (my boy Jack Antanoff, once again, went antanOFF,) especially those flitting, echo-y vocal samples that start the track out and the glittering keys that dance under the verses. Along with that, Swift’s writing is sharp, recounting a breakup in a specific yet relatable way.  

make up by Ariana Grande: This was the first non-single off of thank u, next that I really loved. I think it’s due to the fun, cheeky energy. The beat perfectly balances tense plucked bass, chimes, and vintage-leaning, pitch-shifted backing vocals, I especially love those “hey-hey-hey”s that pepper the chorus. This is a great song to get ready for a party to.

Don’t Say by Robinson: I didn’t realize how much I missed Robinson until she came back with this immaculate synthpop banger of a breakup song. The upbeat production on this make it fun and danceable, but Robinson’s delivery makes it a fireball of emotion as well. She’s supposedly dropping a new EP soon, and I can’t wait. 

Live Forever by Nasty Cherry: Nasty Cherry were one of the most fascinating bands to emerge this year, backed by Charli XCX and a Netflix docuseries. Now I don’t care about all that so long as the music was good, and you know what? They’ve got some damn good songs, and I’m a sucker for all-women bands. This song edged out the band’s debut single “Win” for the list. The harmonies on the chorus, bright guitars, and all-around nostalgic feel of this song made this an instant pop-rock jam in my book. 

Blinding Lights by The Weeknd: I’ve always found The Weeknd’s music to be most engaging when it sounds like he’s having fun, like in “Can’t Feel My Face.” This song is an absolute jam, with an instrumental that sounds like it was ripped right from the 80′s, (but it literally was though, it samples “Take on Me” by a-ha,”) and one of the most instantly likable choruses I’ve heard in a while. 

Playing Games by Anna Of The North: This is just a total jam that I couldn’t stop playing at the end of the Summer. I love the light guitars on the verses and the smooth, relaxed-yet-upbeat feel. It’s probably my favorite song off of Dream Girl. 

Sanctuary by Joji: Joji’s music has always been hit or miss for me, but this song is definitely a hit. The dreamy, spacey atmosphere built up by the spacious synths and Joji’s laid-back delivery instantly puts me at ease. 

Soaked by BENEE: The song that introduced me to BENEE also ended up being my favorite from her. The jaunty, casual feel of this song make it the ultimate laid-back indie pop tune. Both of BENEE’s EPs from this year, FIRE ON MARZZ and STELLA & STEVE are quirky listens that are worth your time. 

The King by Conan Gray: 2019 saw Conan Gray taking his lyricism into a more heartbroken and sarcastic direction, which was an interested evolution to witness. Out of all the singles that Conan Gray dropped throughout the course of the year, this one is my favorite. I love the way the chorus rushes through me with every new listen, Conan’s delivery is so dang breezy. 

Twist by Dizzy: I swear Dizzy have nostalgic melancholy perfected into a science. This song has one of my favorite choruses of the year, featuring lyrics that are heart-twisting (ha, but no really,) and a gentle yet earnest delivery from frontwoman Katie Munshaw. Whenever I hear this I feel sad in a reflective, smiling-with-a-single-tear-rolling-down-my-cheek kind of way.

Joyride by SONIA: I came across this on a Spotify New Music Friday one week and clicked on it just for kicks and it has been one of my favorite finds of the year. SONIA has one of those smoky, sensual voices that I can’t help but love, and her performance paired with the yearning lyrics make for a song that is sorrowful yet romantic at the same time. 

You Sexy Thing by Zella Day: And the award for comeback of the year goes to Zella Day, whose music I fell in love with back in 2016 and have been patiently awaiting for new content from since. She hinted at dropping new music last December, and boy was this worth the wait. This cover of the 1975 release by Hot Chocolate is retro, playful, and, what else? Sexy. I hope to hear more from Ms. Day in the near future, but until then, I will have this, Kicker, and the Man On The Moon/Hunnie Pie single on a continuous loop. 

Red by Lucy Daydream: I found this song in my Spotify Discovery Weekly back in April, and what a fun find it was. This song is a relaxing indie pop bop with inexplicable replay value. I loved this so much that I even checked out Lucy Daydream’s album from this year, Awake & Dreaming, and while the rest of the album didn’t quite match this song in my opinion, I still thought it was a nice listen. I’m definitely keeping Lucy Daydream on my radar going into the future.  

What About Love by BANKS: As I mentioned on my Rapid-Fire Reviews list, I wasn’t all that into III. However, there were some songs on it that I really latched onto, and this was one of them. This song conveys so much raw emotion, with one of BANKS’s most impassioned performances on the whole album. I love the use of autotune, quivering strings, sparse keys, and fluttering vocal samples to create an isolated yet overwhelming soundscape, (it’s amazing with headphones on.) Also, every lyric in this hits like a gut punch. 

Harmony Hall by Vampire Weekend: I thought that I liked this song, but I guess I love this song, because it ended up being my fifth most listened to song of 2019? There’s definitely a reason for that, this song is so instantly likable, with a memorable guitar line, bright pianos, and one of the most anthemic choruses of the year. 

Alligator by Of Monsters and Men: What a smash debut single this was, I was hooked from the very first chord. The energy in this song is unmatched, it has a sense of propulsive power that always hypes me up. The thin layers of distortion and reverb over the guitars and Nanna Bryndís Hilmarsdóttir’s voice give this song a sense of otherworldly eeriness that I really enjoy. 

Blown to Bits by Charly Bliss: This song sounds like the jittery feeling I get after drinking caffeine in the best kind of way, if that makes any kind of sense. The buzzy guitars, vocal layering, and overall electric energy present on this track made it an instant favorite off of Charly Bliss’s album from this year Young Enough. Also the lyrics are weirdly relatable as they recount feelings of uncertainty and nostalgia, and Eva Hendricks delivers them with firepower. 

House Of Glass by Cage The Elephant: This is just a banger through and through, and the fact that the opening riff is reminiscent of “Come A Little Closer” doesn’t hurt either. The verses maintain a nice sense of tension, with Matt Schultz delivering the lyrics in a near whisper. But once that chorus kicks in, it’s official, I have no choice but to become a swaggering badass. 

still feel by half•alive: This was my first favorite song of the year, (and I know it was technically a single from last year, but the album dropped this year, so I’m counting it,) I remember playing this on a loop all throughout January. And you know what? It hasn’t faded on me in the slightest, this is still a banger through and through. The bass groove, the snaps, that little chime that comes at the end of the prechorus, it makes for one hell of a buildup. And once that chorus hits I have no choice but to groove off into the galaxy.

In the Afternoon by MGMT: Another comeback that made this year amazing! Not only are MGMT back with a new single, but they’re also independent now, which inspired my best pun of the year. This song slams, it’s filled with creepy atmosphere but by the end you’ll be dancing and singing along. Needless to say, I’m hyped to see what they bring into the new year.

My Favorite Fish by Gus Dapperton: The melody on this chorus is so catchy, once you hear it it will not leave your head. I also love the vibe of this song, it’s very relaxed and nonchalant in its delivery. I reckon it’d be a nice song to take a long, sunset walk on the beach to. 

Little Trouble by Better Oblivion Community Center: Better Oblivion Community Center, the collaboration project of Phoebe Bridgers and Conor Oberst, put out a lot of great music this year. I was torn between this and “Dylan Thomas” to make the list, but ultimately picked this one because its energy, built up by squealing electric guitars and shuffling drums, is so upbeat, and over the course of the year it never failed to put a smile on my face.

Can’t Buy Happiness by Tash Sultana: Tash Sultana has always been a musician I’ve tended to admire for their talent from afar, never returning to their music all that often. This song, however, broke that pattern with its hypnotically beautiful simplicity. The gentle guitars that open this track blossom into a lush soundscape during each chorus, studded with grandiose synths, light cymbals, and Tash Sultana’s larger-than-life performance. 

Fucking Money Man by ROSALÍA: I’m including both songs on this single release because they’re equally brilliant. “Milionària” is a lively, upbeat track that relishes in opulence, peppered with the playful refrain of “fucking money man” and snappy drums. The tone switches right after with the haunting ballad “Dio$ No$ Libre Del Dinero,” which warns of the dangers of greed. 

Everybody Loves You by SOAK: The way the narrative on this song unfold as the track progresses is just beautiful. I don’t want to go too in depth, because I feel like it’s someone a person should experience without knowing anything prior. Let’s just say that this was a song I came back to whenever I was feeling emo, and the way it blossoms into brightness always has a way of making me feel better whenever I’m down. 

Rylan by The National: So The National have been around for literal decades but I just discovered them this year, loving the song “I’ll Still Destroy You” off of Sleep Well Beast especially. However, I also really enjoyed this song, with its breezy rock sound and melancholy lyrical narrative. The ghostly backing vocals that inhabit the mix send shivers down my spine. Also, the bridge. Just, everything about the bridge. 

Summer Girl by HAIM: This breezy, chill tune was perfect for those long, relaxed days in August where the afternoons drag on until 9:00pm. It reminds me of “Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed, but a bit jazzier, with the saxophone and the playful “doo doo doo” refrain. I aspire to the levels of cool that HAIM have achieved. I know I’ll never reach it, but I still aspire to it.

cellophane by FKA Twigs: If there was any one quality that I would point to in order to describe why this song is so good, it would be its build in dynamics. This song starts out as sounding so fragile it could shatter at any second, which Twigs’s vocals barely rising above a whisper and backed in gentle murmurs and light pianos. However, as the sharper synths slither in and her voice gets more powerful, the sound builds to a gorgeous and jaw-dropping finale that never loses any of its emotion for a second. 

Barefoot In The Park by James Blake ft. ROSALÍA: This song sounds like running through a forest while alien lights flash overhead. The ambiance is romantic and slightly chilling, made up of light marimbas, siren-like vocal samples, and whispering synths. I initially listened to this song because of ROSALÍA, but I ended up loving it so much that I checked out James Blake’s album from this year, Assume Form, too. 

Bags by Clairo: Clairo’s debut album Immunity was a beautiful display of emotion and subtlety, and this was my favorite song off of that project. The production here is sweet and sorrowful, with flitting guitars and light drums, and Clairo’s lyrics and performance match perfectly. Everything about this communicates reserved, tender pining, (are y’all sensing a theme on this list?) It makes me go absolutely bananas every time I hear it.

Get Well by Donna Missal: Y’all know I’ll take any chance to talk about my queen Donna Missal. She released two singles this year, this and the excellent R&B slow-burner “You Burned Me,” but I had to pick this one for the list. Not only did this drop on Valentine’s Day, but I love how restrained and delicate this song is, both in its simple production and in Donna’s bordering-on-fragile delivery. 

Falling by Harry Styles: This turned out to be my favorite song off of Fine Line. (My rapid-fire review for that album: pretty good, but a bit bland, and I missed the rock edge of Harry’s debut.) Still, this is a stunner if there ever was one. I’m just a sucker for a regretful love song with a bare yet effective instrumental and emotive vocals. 

I Lost a Friend by FINNEAS: I’ve spoken multiple times about how I love the way this song builds throughout its runtime. This song starts out with a simple guitar line and slowly adds elements like distortion, flutes, and bass to communicate the emotional intensity in the lyrics. FINNEAS is a fascinating performer and producer, both in his work and with others, and I can’t wait to see what he does in the future. 

Seventeen by Sharon Van Etten: This year I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, and one of the ways I would sate my anxieties about uncertainties to come would be through music, (I don’t know if that was apparent from many of my picks on this list.) No song better described the whirlwind of emotions ripping through me than this one. Sharon Van Etten’s take on giving advice to her younger self served as a comforting voice of reason to me throughout the year. Her performance here is assuring yet slightly concerned, nostalgic and yet tinged with regret. This almost sounds like a lost Stevie Nicks song, with a propulsive build of guitars, unrestrained synths dancing throughout the mix, and a chorus that I want to scream out the window of a car speeding down a highway. I absolutely adore it. 

I Dare You by The Regrettes: If you aren’t surprised, then I’m not surprised. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that this is my song of the year, hands down. If “Seventeen” was the song that articulated all of my anxieties throughout the year, then “I Dare You” was the song that provided a reprieve from them. This song feels timeless, like it could’ve come out during a slew of decades, and yet it sounds modern as well. Every detail of the instrumental seems perfectly designed to form the most catchy and likable song ever created, from the light snares, to the “oohs” in the prechorus, to the colorful guitars. Also, can we talk about how adorable the lyrics are? They perfectly describe the flurry of feeling that come with a crush, from “you’re the one that brings the sun” to “there's a look that you give me, a switch / and my filter melts, and the words just slip.” Not only was this my most-listened to song this year, but I can’t think of a piece of music this year that made me happier every time I returned to it. Also, the music video was just as cute as the song was. 

And that’s the list! What were your favorite songs of 2019? Any artists, albums, singles, etc. I should know about? Leave your thoughts and recommendations down below.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 31/10/2020 (Ariana Grande, KSI, Little Mix)

I haven’t heard that Ariana Grande album yet as of writing this but the lead single – and title track – “positions” has just debuted at #1 on the UK Singles Chart, her seventh song to hit the top and second this year after “Rain on Me” with Lady Gaga. Hence, that’s today’s #1 and we have a busy and pretty chaotic week of new arrivals. Welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

A lot of their debuts from last week were completely wiped out on this week’s chart which surprises me, especially for songs I thought would hit it big like “One More Time” by Not3s and AJ Tracey. Our notable dropouts here range from bonafide smash hits like “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek, which hit #1, although I always preferred “Swoosh” from the same album, to pretty easy and quick fall outs from songs I’ve reviewed in the past few weeks. We’ve got songs that peaked in the top 10 like “Rover” by S1mba and DTG and “I Dunno” by Dutchavelli, Tion Wayne and Stormzy but otherwise that’s mostly it as a lot of these drop-outs are just songs that didn’t really reach their charting potential or have mostly had their day in streaming, like the surprisingly quick drop for “my ex’s best friend” by Machine Gun Kelly and blackbear, as well as “Destiny” by D-Block Europe, “Tap In” by Saweetie, “FRANCHISE” by Travis Scott, Young Thug and M.I.A., “OK Not to Be OK” by Marshmello and Demi Lovato, “Airplane Mode” by Nines and NSG and even “Outta Time” by Bryson Tiller and Drake. If you’re worried about the loss of MGK’s song being too soon for whatever reason, don’t fret as “forget me too” with Halsey, a much better song, is here at #72, our only returning entry for the week. I might as well run through the biggest gains and falls, those both being last week’s debuts. “Train Wreck” by James Arthur absolutely surged up to #24 whilst “Hold” by Chunkz and Young Filly absolutely purged down to #59. To be fair to the general public, I think I’d rather listen to something from four years ago than that song as well. Anyway, let’s start our new arrivals with a couple really interesting choices...

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Sofia” – Clairo

Produced by Rostam

Clairo is one of those artists where I feel completely out of the loop on, especially with all the recent buzz from TikTok, and I was not checking for that album last year, and whilst I didn’t mind her feature on Wallows’ “Are You Bored Yet”, I’d never been intrigued enough to check out the solo work until I guess here we see it on the chart, which is big for the genre of bedroom pop, which again I know next to nothing about. Now, I like lo-fi indie rock fine, but I’ve never really tried to look into the bedroom pop micro-genre – if anyone has any recommendations, that would be appreciated – so this will pretty much be a first gaze into not just Clairo but the entire scene surrounding her. I’m not a Vampire Weekend fan by any means but Rostam on production just give me hope, even if the mix here is a bit too drowned in reverb and echo to give the guitars any more impact when they really should have, at least I think so, they’re pushed back in a way that makes an already pretty calm, fleeting indie single even more lacking sonically. Clairo sounds great on this instrumentation, admittedly, albeit kind of uninterested, but it really is about that fuzzy distortion in the drop that feels... oddly anti-climactic and seemingly pointless considering how little progression is made before or after it. Maybe this genre just isn’t for me, but I feel myself turned off from how Clairo’s pretty beautiful vocal harmonies are not reflected by the production here, whether it be the stiff percussion, abrupt ending or overall lack of substance. This is kind of disappointing as I really wanted to like this. The song is a pretty vague but longing ballad mostly revolving around her crushes on people she saw in the mind, particularly Sofia Vergara and Sofia Coppola, hence the name, and I think it’s actually really well-written. I especially love how the chorus seems to acknowledge that not only are these crushes clearly out of her reach as a teenage girl just discovering her sexuality but also mentioning how afraid she is to really develop on any of these feelings because of how it’s prejudiced against and in some countries outlawed, but the song easily works as just a confession of love without really realising the statement, so it doesn’t feel forced or unnecessary. Sadly, I guess Rostam had to put his prints on this one, but the song itself isn’t bad at all. Hey, I’m not going to complain about a song where I can look at pictures of Sofia Coppola for “research”.

#74 – “All Girls are the Same” – Juice WRLD

Produced by Nick Mira

It’s so odd and kind of heartbreaking to see the Genius comments for this track where they say Juice is “up next for 2018”. It’s also pretty amusing to see some of these annotations...

God, I love Genius.com. This is a 2017 Juice WRLD track from the late rapper that was released as a single from his debut album, Goodbye & Good Riddance. I don’t really understand why this had a resurgence – again, I’m going to assume TikTok or some kind of remix – but it is funny to see a bitter, immature and sloppily-written song about heartbreak and how “all girls are the same” next to a lesbian love ballad on the chart... and above said ballad because we clearly live in a society. I’m not going to mince words here: this is a pretty bad song, at least in my opinion. All respect to Juice but he’s clearly not on top form here, with an uninterested and badly-mixed vocal delivery over a really dull, jingly trap beat with awful bass mastering. In fact, the whole song is mixed awfully and sounds really muddy which may have been the point but it doesn’t complement Juice at all. The lyrics here are purposefully immature and at times stupid, especially when he compares himself to John Lennon and is so desperate for a rhyme the dude says this unnamed girl is from Colorado. I’m not going to deny some of the lyrics here are kind of haunting now due to tragic circumstances but I still get a chuckle out of the vocoder on his voice after massive empty spaces in both the beat and vocal track that makes the song sound clearly amateurish (to be fair to Juice, he clearly didn’t have access to the best studio equipment but it doesn’t excuse the major-label streaming release sounding this sloppy), as well as that opening line.

Broke my heart, oh, no, you didn’t!

Yeah, I’ll take “Robbery” over this any day, or even “Righteous”. Sorry.

#73 – “Martin & Gina” – Polo G

Produced by Hagan, Lilkdubb and Tahj Money

It seems we have two melancholy trap-rappers from Chicago appear consecutively on the chart. I love those types of oddities. If you don’t know Polo G, you probably should, at least from his hit “Pop Out” with Lil Tjay last year, and this is his most recent hit. I typically find his brand of mournful Auto-Tuned crooning about life on the streets remarkably genuine in comparison to most rappers but also admittedly really boring, at least for now. I can see this guy becoming a lot bigger and better but as of now he releases so much music and the quality and effort seems to fall by the wayside more often than not. In typical 2000s bling-rap fashion, this hardcore street rapper’s biggest hit from the album The GOAT (perhaps a bit early to call there, Mr. G) is a guitar-based R&B love jam for the ladies, except it’s not a sex jam...

Girl, I can’t wait ‘til I get home to f*** the s*** out of you

Okay, well, that’s one line.

Man, I’m tryin’ to get to know you sexually

Okay, but at least he’s trying to get to know her. The song’s lyrics do have a genuine heartfelt sense of love and companionship with his unnamed woman, and some of these lyrics are pretty funny and pleasant, albeit shallow. I love how in the first verse he says that even on her worst days she still looks “kind of cute”, in a way that makes this song more down to Earth than other thugs-need-love-too songs, especially when he acknowledges the troubles in their relationship, which may be undermined by the unfortunate implications that come with that “Martin & Gina” comparison but that’s really not the focus of the song, even if it is the title. He may talk about the shopping sprees now but there is evidence here that Polo G genuinely wants to live his life with this woman, especially when he says he wants them to move out to California and live in a mansion. There’s flexing there for sure but it’s less out of a desire to sound “cooler” than the other rappers or the audience, and more out of a desire to make the most out of this relationship in case, as he knows he might have to, he should “pull the stick out and shoot” to protect her. It helps that this is a damn good song with Polo’s catchy flow in both the verses and that infectious chorus, as well as a really slick guitar lick behind that trap knock. Yeah, this is pretty great. Check it out.

#71 – “Spicy” – Ty Dolla $ign featuring Post Malone

Produced by Ty Dolla $ign, Westen Weiss and damn james!

It seems that Ty Dolla $ign has finally clocked that people like him for his features and not his solo work as he has released his most recent album fittingly named Featuring Ty Dolla $ign, following a trend of recent massive collaborative albums in pop music. This particular album features the likes of Kid Cudi, Kanye West (twice), Anderson .Paak, Nicki Minaj, Big Sean, Future, Young Thug, FKA twigs because, well, sure, and obviously, Post Malone. I haven’t listened to the album yet, I mean it sounds exhausting but I don’t necessarily like what I’ve heard. “Expensive” with Nicki Minaj is soulless, “Ego Death” with Skrillex, Kanye and FKA twigs is chaotically misguided and a massive disappointment, “Track 6” with Kanye, .Paak and Thundercat is way too boring for these four artists, and that’s all I’ve heard, except that “Dr. Sebi” interlude with Young Thug that I thought was actually pretty damn good for a one minute snippet. I did brief through some songs on the album right now as I was writing this and I wasn’t really a fan of any of it, not even the songs with Future and Young Thug, artists I actually really like. The song with Kid Cudi was pretty amazing though, which I pretty much expected, I mean it is Cudi after all and he’s really felt revived this year, even if he feels out of place on a sex song. The serpentwithfeet interlude definitely adds to that song though, and it actually leads into this track with Post Malone. This is their second collaboration after their #1 hit “Psycho”, but it’s a lot less interesting, replacing the serenity and smooth flows with more fast-paced trap skitters, hit-and-miss flows that only make Ty$ sound all that great in the tail-end of his verse. Post’s verse is out of place and feels like a regression for him, with the verse sounding like it was taken straight out of the Stoney sessions. The guys have no chemistry and Post doesn’t even contribute to a final chorus, which feels particularly odd as there’s not a bridge to round any of this out properly as it just transitions awkwardly to the sixth track, titled “Track 6”. At least Ty$ isn’t facing 15 years in jail for cocaine possession now, which is something I brought up a disproportionate amount of times in older episodes of this show, because, well, sure.

#69 – “Whoopty” – CJ

Produced by Pxcoyo

CJ is an “up-and-coming” rapper with only one song that pretty quickly went viral. There’s something fishy about this. The only other song by CJ on Spotify and I assume other streaming services is this CashmoneyAP-produced trap song called “On Me” that is completely garbage. It does sound pretty odd that while he doesn’t sound dissimilar in “Whoopty”, this uninterested Auto-Tuned mumbler took three years to get another song on streaming and now he’s an energetic New York rapper using a beat that was literally uploaded to the producer’s website as a “Pop Smoke type beat” weeks before “Whoopty” was released, which, by the way, was an immediate viral hit on YouTube. Very strange, very unusual but not very worth talking about as the one thing “On Me” and “Whoopty” have in common is lack of quality. Sure, I like the Indian sample but it’s quickly drowned out by the booming 808s and pretty rote drill beat. Somehow, CJ sounds too energetic and excited to the point where he’s out of place on a beat this menacing. He sounds like a joke made by a record label to create some kind of popular generic drill track and it does not help that there’s a single verse, with part of it repeated as a bridge, and two repetitions of the same over-long chorus. When Pop Smoke rapped over beats, he was aggressive, sure, but had a smoky voice and a lot more charisma than this flat tonal sandpaper CJ brings to the table. It’s almost offensive to Pop Smoke’s legacy that this was rapped over his “type beat”.

#57 – “SO DONE” – The Kid LAROI

Produced by Omar Fedi and Khaled Rohaim

I figured I’d have to talk about this guy at some point, well, what better time than in the midst of a lot of mediocre American hip hop, although this isn’t American, rather it’s actually an Aussie at it this time, with this 17-year-old kid propped up by Internet Money and Lyrical Lemonade and mentored by the late Juice WRLD. This kid really likes capital letters, and naturally I listened to his last hit “GO!” with his mentor Juice... and, yeah, it’s not good. That hook is stupidly infectious – and the pre-chorus is actually more so – but his delivery is obnoxious and unconvincing, especially in comparison to Juice on the same song. Man, I wish that entire song was as good as its pre-chorus. Anyway, this is a new song, not taken from his debut mixtape aptly and rather politely titled F*** LOVE. It uses an unorthodox ukulele loop as its main sample but once again I’m not a fan of this guy’s immature delivery. Maybe in a few years this Kid LAROI will sound less like a Kid LAROI and more like a genuine rapper but right now he is just barely keeping on beat with a jangly pop beat that would sound really interested if accentuated by the right rapper but here it doesn’t work at all. I do actually appreciate some of the lyrics here, even if they are repetitive and vague. Hey, at least they’re family-friendly PG clean for the most part so he’ll get that radio push, but it’s not like it’s matters here in the UK. I’m sure this lad is the hottest thing to come from Australia this year... okay, well, maybe the second hottest – but I’m not a fan, even if some of these melodies are promising. In fact, I really like some of his ideas, especially in the chorus, I just think that tragically, Juice could have done them more justice than this Kid LAROI ever could. Sorry.

#47 – “Bad Guy” – Morrisson and Loski

Produced by BKay and Harry James

Duh. Okay, so these are both UK drill rappers who I’m not very familiar with although I’ve heard of Loski before. Morrisson is a complete unknown to me. They’re both from London, as one would expect. Is the song any good? Well, I do like that chopped violin sample but Morrisson is only vaguely convincing when he claims to know Vinnie Jones and to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, and when he mentions getting “white-boy wasted” with a woman sniffing coke, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but that’s actually the point. I mean, the chorus says this:

You need people like me so you can point your f***ing fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy”

The issue here is I’m not convinced. Morrisson’s double-tracked vocals aren’t intimidating or menacing and are mostly overshadowed by a pretty great beat. His delivery is also something I’m not a fan of and while I can’t say he’s uninterested or not putting his all into it, it just sounds weak, especially when pitted against this beat. Loski is here too, but he doesn’t add much to the “bad guy” idea, especially when he starts talking about The Simpsons and Family Guy. Not Mr. Burns or even that angry chicken that fights Peter, just Stewie, Brian, Bart and Homer. Admittedly, “shell out the whip like Mario Kart” is a pretty fun line and I appreciate his flow more than Morrisson’s... but, yeah, I’m not really a fan. I like the concept but it misses the mark on execution.

#44 – “Golden” – Harry Styles

Produced by Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson

So this is the opening track to Styles’ sophomore effort, Fine Line, an album I thought was mildly entertaining pop rock at best and lazy, absolutely worthless trite at worst. I don’t mind Styles’ take on classic 70’s pop and glam rock but I’ve also never found it interesting, and the songs are at times disjointed and at most times just plain boring. I understand I’m probably alone in this but I really disliked this album and I’m not excited that he’s pushing yet another single. The beeping keys that start the song are immediately met with the crash of a drum beat that sounds as flat as Harry’s singing in that obnoxious, sloppy intro refrain. The verse is equally as awkward, with the song lacking in any kind of substance other than that one line of “You’re so golden” which has been overly annotated by fans on Genius to mean a lot more than it does and should. It’s a confession of love but unlike “Sofia”, there’s very little to grab onto in terms of compassion for the singer and I quickly lose interest in what little story there is to the track. The bridge with the high-pitched guitar squealing and squeaky pitch-shifted murmuring is over and done with as slowly as possible and that refrain of nonsense vocalisations just continues without fear or even self-awareness of how annoying it is. This is probably ultimately harmless but it annoys the hell out of me and whilst I predict success for the track, I really hope against it as I absolutely do not like this at all.

#39 – “Teadrops” – Bring Me the Horizon

Produced by Jordan Fish and Oliver Sykes

Yes, that Bring Me that Horizon. Yes, the metalcore band. At least they used to be metalcore and definitely on that heavier side of Kerrang!-core, but what I’m more amazed by is how they continue to ditch the sound and continue to get bigger as they do so. After 14 years, you’d think these guys would stop getting Top 40 hits – hell, the only other hit they had before 2020 was “Drown” – but this is their third this year! I’ll admit I’m not really up to speed on Bring Me the Horizon – I listened to their last record (which was just fine but honestly probably worth listening to for “wonderful life” alone) but not this EP that the singles have been from, and definitely not their older stuff. For the sake of REVIEWING THE CHARTS, however, I did listen to their earlier singles – you can’t say I don’t do much for this show – and I’m overall not really sure on how to feel about this stuff. I still like “Drown” – and always have – but I’ve never been too big on metalcore so I’m actually surprised how much I really enjoyed the Linkin Park rip on “Sleepwalking” (which I’m impressed I remembered the chorus for). I remember liking the practically nightcore track “ouch” and, yeah, it still slaps. Some tracks are very heavy on the electronic, and “Can You Feel My Heart” is reliant on that vocaloid drop, about two years before that became the norm in pop. Just from a skim of their biggest singles, I’m honestly kind of a fan, especially “Throne”, even if I feel like the EDM influences just kind of go nowhere. Also, none of this screams “metalcore” to me but I don’t know, these guys seem to change their style a lot with the only thing staying consistent being Oliver Sykes, and his tone that shifts between nasal pop-punk-style crooning and chopped-up Auto-Tune growling. I talked to a friend about them and they like their earlier stuff mostly, although he “wouldn’t recommend” their debut album to anybody at all. Another friend said he refuses to listen to their music based on the pretentious title of their third record and honestly I think that’s a pretty fair decision. This song sounds like pretty standard BMTH, or at least from what I can gather from the singles and the formula they follow. It starts with a funky and cute, chirpy electronic groove before it’s drowned out by heavier drums and heavy metal guitar riffs, but this time said electronic groove is less integral to the instrumental and the shift to a funkier bassline in the verse might honestly be for the best, although I do love the way the instrumental is chopped up a bit at the end of each repetition of the chorus. It makes the song sound a lot more unique and even if it sounds just as 2012 as their 2012 stuff, I honestly think that’s fine, especially with that abrupt sharp contrast of his raspy yelling over breakbeats quickly followed by some crooning with light piano backing, which may make the song feel messy or structurally disjointed but honestly it works for the chaotic tone of the track and the angst that is presented in the lyrics. Also, although I haven’t evaluated this band since I watched a couple videos on Kerrang!, this feels oddly nostalgic. Huh. Some additional musings: That falsetto Sykes hits in the chorus is great. My friend said that he couldn’t finish the last album they put out which isn’t a good sign but to be fair to them it was an hour-long IDM record, because, well, sure. I’ve written way too much about Bring Me the bloody Horizon at this point so I’ll just move on but I’ll make sure to check out some of their stuff after this.

#37 – “Loading” – Central Cee

Produced by HARGO

Now back to normality, at least I think so. This is another UK drill artist I’ve never heard of. I like this beat, especially that sample of the horns that I’m surprised wasn’t found by crate-digging but it works pretty well under the drill beat; it sounds like a menacing “gangster” song, especially because of how that sample reminds me of 1930s Chicago. I’m not good on my American (or gang) history so that might be nonsense but you know what I mean, right? Black-and-white footage of men in suits gambling whilst women surround them and they all got their money from drug trafficking and they send out hits. Something like that, I don’t know. The song is kind of boring though, this Cee guy has zero charisma and the references to COVID make this immediately dated (not that this song is lyrically all that interesting anyway), and by two minutes the beat has run its course and just starts getting annoying. Yeah, not much to say about this one at all, but it could have been better.

#8 – “Sweet Melody” – Little Mix

Produced by Peoples, MNEK, Morten “Rissi” Ristorp, Oliver Frid and Tayla Parx

I wonder if now that I listened to Bring Me the Horizon for half an hour straight that the last four songs all sound worse, or at least less interesting, in comparison. Well, I doubt that really, I think these songs will just end up being less interesting. I mean, five separate producers on a simple three-minute pop track? This’ll be as market-tested and manufactured as possible, as one would expect from Little Mix. I didn’t mind their last couple promo singles but this song seems to have some actual traction and even a high-budget video behind it and hence it debuted as high as #8. Well, is it any good? Well, it’s no 2013 Bring Me the Horizon, that’s for sure. Jokes aside, the nonsense vocal refrain is kind of awkward and the R&B production here is kind of minimal and just... off, particularly in the first verse and refrain, where the singing and hard 808 is met with only accompaniment from one stray snare that is just... there? The drop doesn’t feel like it has a proper build-up either, and doesn’t even feel like it lives up to that non-existent tension. I do love the harmonies towards the end of the track and the “he would lie, he would cheat over syncopated beats” line is kind of a bar, I suppose, but yeah, this production is awkward and I’m not sure if it really does the girls’ talent justice. I would have preferred something more dramatic and with more of a climax than the skittering hi-hats and vaguely dancehall-inspired bass grooves, but alas, here we are with a pretty mediocre, uninteresting track, which wasn’t exactly unexpected.

#3 – “Really Love” – KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals

Produced by Digital Farm Animals and Mojam

Ah, the trio we all didn’t know we wanted but definitely deserved(?): YouTuber KSI, legendary R&B singer Craig David and a couple virtual elephants. KSI is more than a YouTuber or prankster now to be fair to the guy, with songs like “Lighter” he has cemented himself as a genuine pop star and not in the way that songs used to get viral or even back in 2017 with Jake Paul. KSI is taking this stuff seriously and having fun with it, and, hey, he beat up Logan Paul once or twice so I guess I respect the man to some extent. I’m honestly surprised he got Craig David to be on the song with him. I mean KSI may be popular but I never put much thought into his music or even think it’s any good although the song has clearly debuted this high for a reason. Craig David has a janky hook that just plopped onto the track for a chorus and bridge, with pretty generic lyrics about love, which KSI develops on in some oddly specific ways. He’ll buy this woman Amazon Prime – I hope you enjoy the Borat sequel, guys – and she’ll “wreck his balls like Miley”. Classy. Honestly, the song is mostly fine – KSI’s flow is kind of awkward and stiff still but it’s a lot smoother than it usually is and he does deliver a pretty convincing performance here, as does Craig David, who sounds as great as he did 20 years ago over this groovy house instrumental, with a great bassline that really does fit Craig David more than it does KSI. The trap breakdown is pretty well done as well, which surprised me as I assumed the song would lose all momentum afterwards but, no, it keeps on chugging. This is listenable and far from bad but it’s mostly just a serviceable pop tune. I have no issue with this sticking around as it probably will. Now for the big one:

#1 – “positions” – Ariana Grande

Produced by TBHits, Mr. Frank and London on da Track

Man, I’ve just reviewed 12 songs, I do not feel like talking about the biggest and most important one now. Well, maybe it’s not that and instead the fact that I have this conflict with Grande’s music where someone so unbelievably and obviously talented sounds so incredibly disinterested in the songwriting and production, to the point where her performance is irrelevant. Sure, sweetener and thank u, next had their highs but the former is a complete mess and the latter feels so dull and oddly characterless. Again, these albums aren’t all bad but I feel like they’re still so rushed and infuriatingly so, with Grande having very little involvement, or at least it sounds like that in these albums. Regardless of how much she contributes to each record, it always comes out the other end sounding impersonal, so I’m actually glad she dropped the pretence and is now just doing purely sexy R&B stuff. I haven’t listened to the full album yet but with song titles like “34+35”, I can kind of expect what I’m going into here. That said, I’m not really a big fan of the title track and lead single here, although I can understand why it debuted at #1. Firstly, the video where she becomes the President of the United States for practically no reason is great. Secondly, the beat is pretty good and produced by London on da Track, who I’m kind of disappointed didn’t put his producer tag here. It would have at least been kind of funny hearing it transition into Grande’s sweet whispery vocal tone. I like the slick trap percussion, cricket sound effects and that chirpy guitar pluck, and especially those strings in the second pre-chorus which sound genuinely awesome. Ariana’s a great performer but the chorus is kind of weak, especially lyrically – I don’t mind the opening and main line about switching positions, hell, it’s kind of clever, but “I’m in the Olympics the way I’m jumping through hoops”? Really? The bridge is also pretty short and lazy; I feel like it could have actually been done away with or put as an intro and would have worked just as well replacing the second chorus with that final chorus, background whistle notes and all. That said, the song is a solid lead single and I am kind of excited to hear the rest of the album, even if this is at least somewhat of a retread.

Conclusion

What a mixed bag. I’m generally pleased with what we have here though and I am going to give Best of the Week to “Teadrops” by Bring Me the Horizon with an Honourable Mention to Polo G for “Martin & Gina”, although Clairo would have gotten close without Rostam on the boards. There’s nothing all that bad here except “Golden” by Harry Styles which does get an easy Worst of the Week, with a Dishonourable Mention to CJ’s “Whoopty” for just being lazy. Here’s this week’s “spooky” top 10 – it is Halloween after all:

You can follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for political ramblings if you so wish but I wouldn’t recommend it, especially if you like Keir Starmer, but all politics aside, thank you for reading this far and I’ll see you next week.

[reeses-picks]

Ariana Grande’s thank u, next is a formidable display of self

In many ways, thank u, next feels like a sequel to its predecessor, but where Sweetener was a study in optimism and musical daring, thank u, next is a formidable display of self, centering on Ariana Grande the personality and the artist, marked by not only her contradictions but also her musical sensibilities. One is left with an admiration for her self-assuredness amidst such harrowing times.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ - a Reese’s Pick

The universe has a cruel way of functioning: five and a half months ago, Ariana Grande was coasting on the highs of the release of her fourth record, Sweetener, and her whirlwind engagement with comedian Pete Davidson, following her exit from a “toxic” relationship with Mac Miller. Sweetener itself, which contains 2018’s best song, was a masterful display of relentless optimism and musical daring, featuring a smile that never slips and some of Grande’s career-best work (with help from Pharrell, who was perhaps cleaning out his hard drive).

In the next two months, that would all change: Miller would die of substance abuse in September, and Grande and Davidson would dissolve their engagement the following month. Both men are haunting presences on thank u, next, Grande’s new album, whose title track, an ultimate ode to self-love, has already been considered mythic. In many ways, thank u, next feels like a sequel to its predecessor, but where Sweetener was relentlessly optimistic in its subject matter and remarkably audacious in its production, thank u, next is a formidable display of self in both senses. The record puts her front and center: a woman of human contradictions and precocious musical sensibilities, buttressed by fellow musical talents with a knack for capturing the times.

Not only is thank u, next an account of the next chapter of Grande’s life, but it also feels like a logical next step musically: after having help exploring the various facets of her voice (and, by extension, herself), she – still a relative novelty among her competition – is making her own Ariana Grande record, bearing a writing credit on every one of the record’s 12 tracks, on which she is also credited as an executive and vocal producer. It is her personality that the record orbits around, which somewhat accounts for the staggering thematic and tonal differences between some adjacent tracks: she confesses to constantly wanting companionship (“needy”) but later asks her beau for some space (“NASA”); she verges on manipulative on one track (“make up”) but earnestly apologizes on the next (“ghostin”); the vulnerable tone of the title track stands in stark contrast to the flippancy of “break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored”. These conflicting traits aren’t particularly endearing, but their appearance on the album humanizes the woman behind them, peeling back the curtain a bit, if only briefly.

In Grande’s company are some of her closest friends and most longtime collaborators, namely songwriters Victoria Monét and Tayla Parx, producer Tommy Brown, and Max Martin et al., who turn Grande’s ideas into clever turns of phrase and accompany them with up-to-date melodies. Standing next to Pharrell creations on Sweetener, the Max Martin half of that record always felt sort of inferior, never as risky or as smart as its counterpart, and while his tracks on thank u, next aren’t much different, the slick productions on highlights “bloodline” (brass section!) and “bad idea” (that outro!) are a reminder that we may yet see the end of Martin. Brown and Monét, who orchestrated some of Grande’s best songs (“Honeymoon Avenue”, “Moonlight”, “Be Alright” etc.), are instrumental in the making of thank u, next, making strange but intriguing wordplay in “NASA” and “make up” and turning therapeutic acceptance into chart-topper in “thank u, next”. Andrew “Pop” Wansel, who wrote Nicki Minaj’s stunning “The Crying Game”, helps pen the defiant thesis of Grande’s present M.O. (“fake smile”) and articulates falling in love with the idea of a person with equal parts grace and savagery (“in my head”).

Despite this number of people working on this album, thank u, next is easily Grande’s most sonically cohesive and consistent full-length effort. The album frequently toggles between tempos, temperaments, and musical schools of thought, but its soundscape is decidedly and reliably current with trap at the center, sprinkled with instantly recognizable references (“Highlight of my life, like that Fenty Beauty kit”) and Instagram-worthy lines (“You could say ‘I love you’ through the phone tonight”). This speaks to Grande and her team’s ability to capture the zeitgeist, in ways that most of today’s female pop frontrunners cannot. Also contributing to the of-the-moment nature of thank u, next is the comfort with which Grande moves between various vocal modes and ways of delivery, which she inherits from Sweetener and further hones on this record. Her usual acrobatics can be found on “imagine” and “fake smile”, but most of her performances on thank u, next feature her voice coasting lightly just above the production, a sort of weightlessness achievable only by an artist who, in her words, no longer has much to be afraid of. What truly places her in the new pop landscape, however, is her proficiency in styles previously inaccessible to vocalists of her ability, particularly rap, her capability of which she showed tentatively on some Sweetener cuts and which she shows with aplomb here. “7 rings” sounds like a rap song with a featured vocalist, Grande’s performance immediately drawing comparisons to Soulja Boy and Princess Nokia (rousing plagiarism accusations from them as well). Throwback or theft, that her rap is so convincing is a testament to her abilities. Elsewhere, “fake smile” uses the same sample as Wu-Tang Clan’s “Tearz” – Wendy Rene’s “After Laughter (Comes Tears)” – to preface a personal but presently universal refusal to hide one’s unhappiness.

Unsurprisingly, the cuts that feel the most weightless end up being the most harrowing. “needy” sounds almost like it’s designed to be fleeting. Done and dusted before the three-minute mark, the album’s second track is, in many ways, a micro-transgression unto itself: it’s a forthright admission of a want for emotional connection that society considers damning, but it argues that to criticize that craving would be a self-own (“I know how good it feels to be needed”); not least of all, it knows its job and that it’s achieved its objective, so it does away with the final third of the song entirely. Still, nothing on this record beats “ghostin”, where it feels something has clicked in Grande’s head. To an extent, “ghostin” is the converse to “needy”: “ghostin” almost purposely crawls through its 4 minutes and 31 seconds, and it seems designed to linger. In a particularly Swiftian move, the Mac Miller sample at the beginning of the track tells you all you need to know. With not so many words, Grande begins to break down her feelings of guilt for her still harboring feelings for another one and at one point even suggests feigning ignorance, which we all know now is impossible. The song’s emotional climax comes at the final minute, where words are long forgotten and we are left with the auditory equivalent of a bed of clouds that keeps ascending until it disperses, as if mirroring Grande’s own moment of catharsis.

Wrapping up thank u, next is the cheekily, instantly memorably titled “break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored”, whose position on the album closely mirrors that of “Formation” on Lemonade. But rather than taking on any social commentary, the former offers Grande’s own commentary on the preceding chapter of her life and a window into her humor, and might even serve as more fitting a conclusion to the record than the title track would. It is rather unexpected that after such a harrowing time in her life, she would be eager to jump right back into the game (with such a dangerous premise at that), but upon another look, the track’s appearance reveals Grande as remarkably self-assured, confident that she will never fall down such a spiral again – or maybe she will, sad as that sounds. Nevertheless, there’s not much she’s afraid of anymore.

[thesinglesjukebox]

ARIANA GRANDE FT. NICKI MINAJ - THE LIGHT IS COMING

[6.36]

It's Ariana Gran-Day! Starting off with this Nicki duet, containing an unexpected sample...

Rebecca A. Gowns: The sample is fascinating. It reminds me of the baby coo in "Are You That Somebody"; a non-musical sound transformed into a musical refrain, then multiplied so often it becomes the beat itself. And seemingly not connected to the actual content of the song... or is it? Like, is "Are You That Somebody" really about making babies? (Not just euphemistically, but about conception itself?) And is this song really an anti-establishment taunt? (Not just the music industry, but the clowns in Congress, if you will?) Well, who the hell knows. The music here is so much more fascinating than the lyrical content; the man yells about not being interrupted between stringent beep-bop-boop sounds crossing over from Dan Deacon territory. Honestly, it's reminiscent of a certain other pop/rap song that could also be called equal turns annoying, political, and just plain fun. And like that song, I like it even when it starts to grate. Maybe even because it's grating -- like, thank God established pop artists take risks like this sometimes. [8]

Katherine St Asaph: Gather around, folks, for a recent history lesson! The man sampled all over "The Light Is Coming," Craig Miller, was part of a Tea Party-organized, "almost entirely white and irritable" crowd protesting an 2009 Arlen Specter town hall in soon-to-flip-red Pennsylvania. The protest was against Obamacare, but it devolved almost immediately into more general right-wing bullshit. You can watch the whole thing on C-SPAN, if you're short on despair. Lowlights include: "What about this Guantanamo closure? ... The [mispronounced] Koar-ann says that all unbelievers shall be executed, killed. That's why I cannot support Islam." "He's right." (43:56); cheering at "we can take the non-U.S. citizens and give them an airplane ticket and ship them back" (38:47); even louder cheering at "the illegals, they shouldn't even be here" (18:34), and, toward the end (1:13:13), a familiar refrain: "The people in this room want their country back." One of them felt the need to clarify that she didn't have "any Nazi symbols with [her]" (7:45), perhaps because the previous day, in Georgia, someone painted a swastika outside Democratic representative David Scott's office after his town hall. Do I think Pharrell -- who also sampled Specter's own remarks in "Lemon" -- is maliciously sneaking far-right propaganda into our children's pop music? No, of course not. Maybe he just thought it sounded cool. But including a sample this obscure, this prominently, must have some point, and choosing one so politically charged brings in connotations -- connotations that just don't play nice with the light/darkness/taking-back/theft imagery and taunting delivery of "the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole." It doesn't help that the Manchester bombing, which every Sweetener interview unavoidably alludes to, was quickly exploited by the far right. It also doesn't help that Grande's verses don't rebut but echo Miller, targeting someone who's a "know-it-all" (see other protesters' gripes about "elitists" and a bill written above "junior high school" language), who's irrational and doesn't listen, who's "tellin' everyone, stay woke" -- sides clearly assigned. The beat is great, the most inventive and sinuous Pharrell's sounded in years, but it's wasted on -- what, exactly? Both-sidesing? A Producers-esque attempt to squash innovation in pop with a bizarre sample set up to fail? Or inadvertently (I hope) something more reactionary than anything Taylor Swift's ever released? It could be worse. The track's a "Sleazy"/"Dark Horse"/"Jewels 'n' Drugs" urban crossover attempt, for which Grande's team "auditioned eight rappers," one of whom may have been much-streamed XXXTentacion. Nicki's winning verse, self-promotion and fuckboy dissing written remotely, doesn't engage with the song at all, which is probably for the best. As for fan consensus? Seems to be: "Will that old guy please STFU?" [2]

Vikram Joseph: Ladies and gentlemen, 2018's most bizarre sampling decision! I've read the context behind the "You wouldn't let anybody speak, and instead..." quote, and it still makes minimal sense to loop it continuously behind what's otherwise a seductive, abrasive, very N.E.R.D. throb of a beat. Thematically, it seems to be an attempt to take down condescension and echo-chamber complacency in debate ("if it ain't your view, that's the bottom line"); this is ambitious, and only occasionally hits the mark, too often stumbling into jumbled nonsense such as "give you a box of chances, every time you blow it all". Nicki Minaj, meanwhile, is relegated to a brief, off-topic turn in the intro. And all the while, that shouty man keeps shouting (and, god, I really can't emphasise enough what a strange choice of sample this is). Good Beat, B.A.A.D. Decisions. [5]

Tobi Tella: I mean, you don't know how HARD I tried to like this. Coming off their three amazing previous collaborations, this should've been great. But there's so much about this I don't like: the repetitive chorus, the weird way she sings so you can't actually understand a word she's saying, the sample of a conservative yelling? It's all just off-putting and irritating to me. Nicki gets in the best line of the song with "Yo Ariana come let give you a high five", but even her solid verse can't save the trainwreck around her. [3]

Abdullah Siddiqui: Little about this track is normal for a Top 40 single. And I find that very refreshing. The hook is effective, in that it hasn't left the back of my mind in weeks. The instrumental is beautifully minimalistic; the drum sequence at the start reminds me of Björk's "Heirloom". I love when the track kicks into double time. Minaj delivers a few solid bars at the top. Grande doesn't rely too much on her vocal tricks for this one, and it works to the song's benefit. The track is not without its flaws, however. It feels somewhat structurally underdeveloped. The "you wouldn't let anybody speak" is a bit overused, and it feels particularly misplaced during the verses. But these flaws are not by any means fatal. This is definitely one of Grande's most adventurous releases, and I'd go so far as to say, one of her best. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Aside from Nicki Minaj, whose tacked-on verse sounds less like its own contribution and more like another mandatory installment in the "Chun-Li" cinematic universe, all the many moving parts here end up making a lot of sense. Ariana's vocal performance darts between the little open spaces of Pharrell's beat, expanding and contracting as he brings in bizarro-bounce elements (including a sample from an anti-Obamacare town hall, of all things.) It's almost interesting enough as a pure physical feat, the way she moves from taunting cadences to breathy whispers to damn-near belting on a second's notice, but fortunately there's a good enough song as scaffolding around her too, one that provides enough structure to support "the light is coming" in its pursuit of weird pop glory. [7]

Alex Clifton: Ariana seems to be reinventing pop this year; the work off of Sweetener so far is the most eclectic stuff I've heard on the charts in quite some time. Where "No Tears Left to Cry" refused to resolve in any particular tonality (major or minor? why not both!), "The Light Is Coming" stutters and glitches with a sample of an irate citizen from hearings over Obamacare paired with video game beeps and boops. On paper, it shouldn't work, and it doesn't overwhelm me the way that all of Ariana's best tracks have in the past. But in practice it ends up sounding like a dystopian dance song/spoken word poem, which in 2018 feels like a real mood. Ariana and Nicki work well together as always although once Nicki's initial verse is gone she's out of the song for good; she could've come back pretty easily, and that would've made for some nice vocal interplay. But the more I hear of Ariana's music the more I keep wanting to hear, even when it misses the mark. It's been a while since I've seen a Pop Diva experiment so boldly away from her typical formula, and I'm revelling in every moment of it. [6]

Ashley John: The dismembered corpses of pure pop hooks and Pennsylvania politics roughly stitched together with a Pharrell beat is as close to a summary of Me as a song can get, so I'm partial to and suspicious of it right away. "The Light is Coming" should feel gimmicky, like Ariana is rushing in a rebellious phase, but instead it hits closer to a teaser--of what I am not sure. A Lorde song without the specificity or the groove, a Gwen Stefani track without the whimsy, and in those places just a hollow, trembling core. The track feels like it could collapse in on itself at any point, and actually, how fitting for a chorus of chanted, demanded optimism. [7]

Alfred Soto: A gesture -- an attempt to coalesce Pharrellistic effects around a would-be aphorism. One of the effects is Nicki Minaj. [6]

Thomas Inskeep: The beat, the slightly off-kilter rhythm was nagging at me, and then once I looked up the credits it made sense: it's Pharrell. And what he's brought for Ariana here is Trio's "Da Da Da" cut with Hot Butter's 1972 smash "Popcorn"! And then, on top of that, Minaj drops a solid opening 12 bars before Grande cuts loose with a message of positivity -- the chorus is "the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole" -- that's obviously another reference to Manchester. And it works. I hope this hits on radio, because it'll sound glaringly different, and radio needs more of that right now. [7]

Will Rivitz: Man, Pharrell can't miss, can he? No one quite does the minimal beat like he does, and the versatility of his productions -- fitting everyone from Clipse to Ed Sheeran -- is on full display here, addictive vocal sample and all. Of course, it helps that everything else clicks, too: Ariana's finally embracing her "sardonic" side in her music, Nicki's verse is serviceable and appropriate if not particularly memorable, and the eerie nonchalance of the chorus perfectly encapsulates the song's uncanny ambience. Dangerous Woman is one of the best pop albums of the decade, and if Grande's current singles are any indication, Sweetener could be even better. [9]

Stephen Eisermann: Pharrell's production has been a bit shaky lately, but here his experimentation works. Nicki gives a perfectly serviceable verse to Pharrell's noisy beat, but it's Ariana's commitment and sass that elevates the track. To take on a track this playful, you need an artist who is willing and able to dance along to the track and Ariana is no slacker; even if the song is a bit weird thematically, sonically it's a gem and I'll be dancing along all summer. [7]

Maxwell Cavaseno: The unlikely world where I can imagine if Ariana thought the kind of music that came out of Ghostly International at the start of the decade would be the perfect sort of music to top the charts. Nevertheless, she's utterly at home, crooning and yammering through the strange pinball playground of her design, and to make the retrofitting all the more complete, you have Nicki doing her best to remember when she last sounded interesting... way back at the dawn of the decade. [7]

Pedro João Santos: It's a idiosyncratic mix of atypical vocal restraint by Ariana, boundless structure and glitchy, angular production courtesy of Pharrell. The verses are amorphous and abstract; Nicki makes a perfunctory but reliable appearance; the circular hook is repeated ad infinitum. Somehow, it all amounts to moderate success, after the brilliant "No Tears Left to Cry", even despite the appalling sample, which might serve for texture, but not much else. At least, it led to interview gold: "Is Ariana Grande a Christian?", the man whose voice was sampled, unbeknownst to him, asks an MTV reporter; his wife Karen sensibly replies: "Craig, I think she's more like Madonna." [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 27/02/2021 (Ariana Grande, Digga D, Ella Henderson & Tom Grennan)

I like how on the UK Singles Chart, even if it’s kind of a slow week, we still have nine new arrivals to get through. Joy, let’s just start with the rundown. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As you’d expect, a lot of the debuts from last week were pretty flimsy on the UK Top 75, the range I cover on the singles chart, and hence a lot of it’s gone, including all of the slowthai songs, even “CANCELLED” with Skepta which reached the top 40. Another big top 40 debut that’s disappeared is, again as you’d expect, “UK Hun?” by the United Kingdolls. We do have three pretty big drop-outs though: “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix, ”Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and the Digital Farm Animals and finally, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio. It seems that finally we’re making some room for the Spring hits to come tunnelling in by next month. That also shows in our notable fallers, as we have “Levitating” by Dua Lipa and remixed by DaBaby at #37, “Whoopty” by CJ at #39, Taylor Swift’s re-recorded “Love Story” plummeting off of the debut to #41, Fredo’s album bomb continuing to linger as “Ready” with Summer Walker and “Burner on Deck” with the late Pop Smoke and Young Adz are down to #44 and #64 respectively, “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #47, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #50, “Siberia” by Headie One featuring Burna Boy off of the debut to #58, “willow” by Taylor Swift at #59 (Not a good week for Taylor), “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran at #69 (The bigger question should be why it’s here at all), “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper at #71 and “Apricots” by Bicep at #73. For our gains, well, it’s pretty weird trying to find our replacements for all of this, as we have “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers back to #68 as it takes advantage of a slower week, “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek having a weird second wind at #60 – and the same goes with “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles gaining big for some reason up to #46. Otherwise, we do have some genuine rising hits in the top half of the chart, like “Mixed Emotions” by Abra Cadabra at #45 off of the debut, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental at #43, “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf at #35 (Because I guess since Logic’s retired, people are looking to Australia for a half-baked replacement), “Believe Me” by Navos at #33, “Little Bit of Love” by Tom Grennan at #32... Okay, if we’re going to give rising artists their first top 40 hit, why is it these guys and not Kali Uchis? Though I have a feeling we’ll talk about her next week. Anyway, our other notable gains are “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka at #31, “Arcade” by Duncan Laurence and FLETCHER at #29, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #25, funnily right next to Joel Corry’s “Head & Heart”, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee at #18, “Up” by Cardi B at #17, “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #15 and “Latest Trends” by A1 x J1 at #12, with no real movement in the top 10. With all that out of the way, let’s stay cautiously optimistic for our new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “All You Ever Wanted” – Rag’n’Bone Man

Produced by Mike Elizondo and Ben Jackson-Cook

You probably know Rag’n’Bone Man for “Human”, one of the biggest hits in the UK of the 2010s that never really crossed over stateside. I was never a fan of the guy’s music in its over-produced blues-pop crawl, so I didn’t really expect his next album to do anything for me... but I feel like it does matter to a lot of people. His first album was big – and not just moderately – with several hit singles, and he would later hop on Calvin Harris’ “Giant” to more success. With that said, I don’t know why this lead single from his upcoming sophomore effort Life by Misadventure took a month to get to the lower reaches of the chart, even with a video. Has his hype fizzled out? Is there something more behind this or do people genuinely not care enough to check out the guy’s music past his debut record that had a bigger push? I don’t know but I do know that I actually quite like this... I mean, a lot. Finally, Rag’n’Bone Man found some faster-paced production that works very well with his signature baritone voice, as this almost post-punk-esque groove may be stiff but it chugs along nicely, especially with the layered guitar loops and those inspired distorted synth bloops, with some real dynamic mixing. What I feel is missing from this is stakes, at least in the content – it seems more observatory than telling any real narrative or drama that warrants such a rocketing song, especially that screeching guitar solo. I don’t think that really matters, though, as the subject matter is interesting enough in how he discusses places he’d spent his childhood in like Brighton and London and how they’ve changed since, with a pretty understandable level of both nostalgia and anger levelled at whoever made those changes... knowing he supports Corbyn, there could be some political undertones here, but I digress. The song caught me by surprise, I hope it sticks around further than a couple weeks.

#70 – “Lifestyle” – Jason Derulo featuring Adam Levine

Produced by Rice N’ Peas

So, Jason Derulo struck gold with the TikTok fame and his return to the #1 spot as he stole some Pacific Islander’s beat on “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” with Jawsh 685, and in 2020, everything seemed to go right for Derulo at a good time, even netting a BTS remix in the process. Now ever since then he’s been alternating between original tracks and more “borrowed” Pacific Islander beats, and this is one of those original tracks, which sounds nothing like the siren or Tampa beats so I’m pretty sure we know what the aim really is for those tracks. Whilst he’s had some success in the European markets, he hasn’t had much in the US so a catchy pop single with Adam Levine, detached of the Maroon 5 brand as that continues to fade away post-“Memories”, seems like an apt but desperate attempt at latching onto said market. God damn it, I’m embarrassed to say that it worked because this should not be a good song. It’s got a pretty funky synth riff and bassline that makes this otherwise pretty embarrassing track a lot more listenable, as Derulo’s delivery is pretty insufferable (but still pretty sonically appealing; the guy sounds great with a lot of Auto-Tune). There’s a lot of nonsense lyrics, both literally in the post-chorus and more ridiculously in the first verse, full of lyrics about how an unnamed woman is “shining bright just like Rihanna-na”, one lyric out of the whole song that is generally pretty weak lyrically, as you’d expect. The chorus is really damn catchy though, and propelled by horn lines and pianos that sound pretty triumphant, even if the clipping falsettos sound like garbage, and Derulo’s  ad-libs in Levine’s verse are just hilarious. Honestly, Levine sounds better with this hook than Derulo does, mostly because Levine is aptly and actively not trying, which is much more fitting for a messy dance-pop track. With just two verse-chorus structures, as well as two post-choruses, this is basic and practically unfinished; there isn’t a bridge. With that said, I can’t hate this at all, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the fact that Levine’s reverb-drowned “Lifestyle!” backing vocals are cut off in the mix during the chorus... that did genuinely get a laugh out of me, don’t ask why.

#65 – “HEAT” – Paul Woodford and Amber Mark

Produced by Paul Woodford

From just a glimpse of her work, Amber Mark seems a lot more unique and soulful than most of the replaceable dance-pop singers, but for the purposes of this song and hence this show, that’s all she is, and Paul Woodford is just the boring DJ. This is a dance-pop song with 90s MIDI-sounding pianos, odd vocal processing, generic string patches, a house groove accentuated by a lot of fake hand-claps and a weak, barely-there drop. The time house-pop does something interesting for the first time in years in the mainstream beyond this garbage that’s been living in German night clubs in the 90s for decades after the fact, is the day I am a much happier woman. Skip this.

#61 – “Didn’t Know” – Tom Zanetti

Produced by Sjay

If you want proof of how slow a week this is, there aren’t even lyrics for this on Genius. Anyway, I don’t know or care who Tom Zanetti or Sjay are because guess what this is? Another house-pop track. To be fair, this one has more of a bass-heavy deep house groove and bassline, and a pretty cringeworthy rap verse from who I assume is Tom Zanetti, going for what seems like a Chicago house vibe but missing any of the soul or big diva samples, relying instead on a checked-out delivery from someone no-one knows the name of. Really, what do you expect me to say about this? It’s a sex jam, but it’s so basic and minimal that those keys in the chorus end up sounding as eerie as they do seductive, and overall, there’s genuinely nothing to grab from this other than that Tom Zanetti shouldn’t be rapping... whoever that even is. I did look up the guy and it makes perfect sense that this guy was making bassline music decades after that was big, because this screams “failed attempt” to me, and hopefully if the British public have any sense, it’ll be a failed attempt on the charts. We’ll have to wait and see on that front, I guess.

#57 – “Time” – JLS

Produced by Oswald Hamilton (or Biggz the Engineer)

So, legendary(?) boy band JLS are probably one of the bigger names from the craze of R&B and pop bands and vocalists that got big from The X Factor but JLS had actual staying  power for at least a little while, mostly because, well, there was always a place for them in the late 2000s and early 2010s, where it wasn’t uncommon to see these dance-pop tracks flooding the chart. They weren’t that great, obviously, but they didn’t need to be as what mattered to the audience and label was that the four boys kept their charm and style by the time they released a new record every November and that a couple singles off of it went to the top 10. That comment about longevity must not have lasted, however, as whilst most members were able to find some kind of success solo, usually in broadcasting like Marvin Humes, people weren’t really demanding a comeback, I suppose, as whilst this is their first charting song since their 2013 farewell “Billion Lights”, this new reunion track hasn’t made much noise at all and is probably here off of sales. I mean, the lyrics aren’t even on Genius yet... oh, wait, it’s some other guy that happens to be called JLS. Huh. Well, that makes sense, but, like, you’d want to change your name if it was that closely related to a big name, especially if you weren’t a family-friendly boy band and were instead a pretty awful rapper relying on a weak UK drill beat with absolutely no energy at all. Okay, so this sounds like several rappers here, so I assume it’s a rap group or collective. Either way, not many of these people have much charisma to talk about, like at all, and this beat can’t carry them on that lone piano melody alone, even if it is kind of menacing. The song feels twice its length, and something screams industry-made to me. I don’t know, maybe it’s because it’s a debut single, but they’re not signed to any major label so that’s just speculation. With some research, I found that it’s by two guys called Switch and J9 and a lot of fans were confused why it was uploaded under JLS, when the original song, on YouTube, isn’t even called “Time”. It’s called “Look”. I can only see this as kind of a scummy marketing ploy by a label, as I don’t think an independent distributor would be willing to change the name, artwork and artist name to believably look like JLS. I don’t know about any of this but really the song isn’t bad or really worth caring about, just a game of finding the impostor. To be honest, I’d love for JLS’ actual comeback single to be a drill banger in response, but again, we’ll have to wait and see. For now... who even gets the royalties for this?

#56 – “CLOUDS” – NF

Produced by Tommee Profitt and NF

You know what’s decidedly less fun than UK drill rappers masquerading as late 2000s boy bands? Christian rap. To be fair to NF, he’s less outwardly Christian as he is just family-friendly pop-rap with a lot of technical skill and that’s fine, although it does mean his fanbase consists pretty much exclusively white kids who think they listen to “real rap with a message” and dismiss anyone with a darker skin tone as mumble-rap. Though I don’t think NF purposefully lets into that demographic, at least from the little I’ve heard, I don’t doubt that he knows that’s his base as he continues on this lead single from his upcoming mixtape CLOUDS to criticise rappers who “go Hollywood” whilst also acknowledging how violent some of his lyrics may seem, which kind of seems like an odd thing to say in this context. I mean, NF here is only being clean rather than Christian, but not in a Lecrae way where he’s genuinely a versatile and soulful rapper outside of the religious stuff that tends to work its way into a lot of his work. Instead, NF just kind of meanders over a condescendingly bad piano-based trap beat, with pretty pathetic flows that really undermine how much technical skill this guy supposedly has. I mean, if he’s going to imitate Eminem with even more filler bars and unfunny mid-verse skits. To be fair, I can’t complain about the dude’s energy, and the beat does get better as it gathers a lot more energy in its choral grandiosity, but I feel like this one starting verse just lasts for days because of how little is actually said in three minutes, and that second verse is shorter but says even little. That’s before getting into some of these lyrics as it really is just nonsense half of the time. He claims to be “not artistic” – I don’t know why Nate meant by that but it just comes off as how it is on paper: hilarious – and also flooding the first verse with a series of ridiculous metaphors you’d be hard-pressed to wrap your head around, including questionable name-drops for... Bill Gates, of all people. I do find it ironic how despite his fanbase wanting to make you think you’re not smart enough to get NF’s really “clever” bars, the Genius annotations for one of the few kind of cool lines here show that it completely goes over their heads. NF says, “Got something in my cup, ain’t codeine”, which you can stretch – pretty reasonably – to be a Biblical reference. The song’s about fame and success, so referencing “my cup runneth over” makes a lot of sense. The annotations says that it’s unclear what’s in NF’s cup, and a comment corrects him, saying that it shows in the music video that Nate’s cup has water in it. Nice one, guys. At least Eminem murders women and Hopsin’s a racist piece of trash, what does this guy have?

#38 – “test drive” – Ariana Grande

Produced by Foster, Mr. Franks, TBHits and Murda Beatz

Ariana Grande released the few bonus deluxe tracks from her Positions album last week, and of course, at least one charted – not many others could as you can’t have more than three hits at a time on the UK Singles Chart. I know, it’s silly. Honestly, I think the deluxe tracks were in most cases better than the standard edition, and I think if we cut out the annoyingly large amount of filler in that total package, we could have a pretty damn great record from Ari, but as is, it’s really just fine and suffering from all of the issues her past few years of music have. With that said, “test drive” might be my favourite ever song of hers, with its gorgeous 90s R&B keys that lead us in to a bouncy house beat from Murda Beatz of all people (in a similar vein to “motive” from the standard edition but with actual sound design). There isn’t that much of a bass in the groove here, but it makes up for that with its twinkling synths and Ari’s delivery which sounds convincing and infectious through the whole track, which may be short at just barely more than two minutes but does not waste that time with its incredible chorus and whilst I would have preferred some more complexity or meat to this production, particularly the percussion, this dreamy blend of 90s pop styles is really fun as is, especially in that final chorus with those subtle strings and bleep-bloops coming in, to the point where you don’t really care how abruptly it ends... which actually might be a pretty fitting end for a track about a youthful, very sexually active relationship. Yeah, this is pretty great – check it out.

#36 – “Toxic” – Digga D

Produced by Trinz

Speaking of bonus tracks, here’s a bonus track from Digga D’s most recent mixtape, Made in the Pyrex, and any goodwill I had for this guy is gone because this song is deplorable. You can say it’s satirical all you want – and to an extent it probably is – but I really can’t sit here and listen to a rich guy talk about how awfully he treats women for three minutes. Basically, the song is about influencers that want to “suck his bone”, and honestly that would be fine if he kept it about the sex, rather than how much he seemingly hates these women, calling them good for nothing sex objects with the subtlety of a dusty red brick. Misogyny is common in rap music and popular music as a whole, and it’s forgivable because, really, objectification is so commonplace that there’s no point in fighting it off, and really there’s nothing wrong in a rapper saying “my girlfriend is attractive” because... well, yeah, she probably is. There’s also nothing wrong with a rapper describing or depicting sex, because sex happens, and there’s also nothing wrong with rappers describing their conflicts with women because, again, they happen, and music is never supposed to represent a perfect life or perfect human. You can express your flaws and irrational emotions, even if they are “toxic”, in your music because it’s a form of human expression that knows few bounds, and as long as there’s some kind of tact or thematic approach, I really do not mind and will often try and justify it. However, when you’ve got a guy with no charisma or personality describing how he uses his fame on Twitter to his advantage for cheap sex, what really is the point in listening to this guy? Do you enjoy hearing about how he constantly condescends and insults the women providing him with cheap sexual desires? Sure, they never sent you letters while you were in jail, but they were never supposed to. These are Instagram models and social media influencers you use to get your rocks off by sliding in DMs, not long-time relationships, and you know that, so why are you complaining when your emotional desires are not met beyond intercourse... especially when you clearly don’t care about hers? I guess Digga D is being “toxic” on purpose as the title and chorus ensues, but this is too overly-specific and based in what seem to be real-life situations for me to stick with this and justify any of it, especially him referencing the models’ substance abuse, how he refuses to drink fancy wine she bought her instead of his cheap Magnum tonic wine – a sexual stimulant from Jamaica. All that would be fine if it weren’t for how he takes this back to real life by mentioning his ex-girlfriend, breaking all illusions of satire and fantasy. In the second verse, he continues to slut-shame and condemn women for... travelling abroad? Profiting from OnlyFans? Wearing Rolexes? If you want to talk about how many designer accessories you wear, how many places you’ve been, how many women you’ve had sex with and how many women you use for your own benefit and no one else’s, as you do in all of your songs, then where’s your excuse for criticising women for doing the same thing? Oh, right, there is none! I heard a few weeks ago and talked about on this show how the government has to see Digga D’s lyrics and censor them in the case that they’re too violent. It’s pretty telling how this misogynist piece of shit slipped through those cracks, huh?

#28 – “Let’s Go Home Together” – Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan

Produced by TMS

Okay, so this is our highest debut this week, and it’s from singer Ella Henderson, who you probably know from “Ghost”. She was another X Factor singer and this song actually dates back to 2016, where it was leaked online as a duet with James Arthur. More than four years later, it sees an official release with the slightly-less-trendy Arthur replaced with Tom Grennan, similarly non-present pop singer. I’m surprised the label’s even letting her release this pretty generic pop ballad with an acoustic pick-up and lyrics about going home together while drunk, as well as trap-esque percussion because of course. I mean, her second album has been shelved for half a decade, and Tom Grennan himself has kind of been in limbo until recently, and it’s not like he’s doing anything interesting or different here with his insufferable mumbling delivery. There’s an unfunny bait-and-switch in his verse at some point that I think even James Arthur would have pulled off better, and Grennan’s last line in the bridge is genuinely just one of the worst moments in music this year, Jesus Christ – you’ve just got to listen to that part, I guess. The song’s really not worth speaking more about and I want to wrap this up.

Conclusion

A slower, less chaotic week yet still a mixed bag and mostly bad. I’ll give Best of the Week for Rag’n’Bone Man for “All You Ever Wanted”, with a really close Honourable Mention for Ariana Grande’s “test drive”. Worst of the Week should be pretty damn obvious given that Digga D’s “Toxic” even exists, but Dishonourable Mention really is a toss-up. I guess Tom Zanetti’s “Didn’t Know” might be the most embarrassing song here... apart from “Lifestyle” of course but that song really is just okay. For next week... who cares? Here’s this week’s top 10:

Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you’re interested – really, I just talk about Weezer more often than I should – and I’ll see you next week.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26/12/2020 (LadBaby, Boris Johnson, Ed Sheeran)

It’s Boxing Day in the UK as I write this and I’m pretty tired but we still have to review those charts regardless, especially this chart as this is the Christmas chart – at least it’s being paraded around as such – and hence we have a Christmas #1. For the third year in a row, family vlogger, pseudo-comedian and amateur musician, not to be confused with DaBaby, Mark Ian Hoyle – more commonly known as “LadBaby”, has bagged the #1 for the holiday season. Every time I’ve covered the Christmas #1 it has been this guy and, yeah, I’m tired of it. At least this year he felt some stiff competition, and hey, the songs’ proceeds do go to charity. Oh, yeah, and this guy is the third act to have three Christmas #1s in a row, putting this nobody from Nottingham with a barebones Wikipedia page and a couple million YouTube subscribers on the level of the Beatles and Spice Girls. God, the UK Singles Chart never fails to amaze me. Anyway, that’s arguably not even the biggest story here so let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As I said before, this is the “Christmas week” so throughout the UK Top 75 there are a lot of holiday songs re-peaking or reaching new peaks, before dropping off entirely the next week. Let’s start as we always do by listing the drop-outs from the chart, of which there are quite a few notable ones. Most of our top 40 debuts from last week are gone, like Taylor Swift’s “champagne problems” and “no body, no crime” featuring HAIM, as well as “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, the late Pop Smoke and Skepta. We can also say goodbye to “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, finally after 54 weeks and a surprise return earlier this month, in addition to other top 10 hits like “you broke me first” by Tate McRae, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio and “What You Know Bout Love” also by Pop Smoke, as well as some more minor hits like “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur, “Golden” by Harry Styles and “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer, but I can see almost all of these rebounding hard next week so I don’t think there’s much to worry about here. For fallers, since Christmas has really consumed everything about this chart this week, we have some big ones that’ll find themselves back in the top 10 or at least top 20 next week like “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19 (the first non-Christmas non-debut song to appear on the chart, by the way), “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #20, “Whoopty” by CJ at #22, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #28, “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI at #31, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus and Dua Lipa at #35 alongside “Midnight Sky” also by Miley at #36, “willow” by Taylor Swift off the debut to #37, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #38 and “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy. We also have “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #43, “Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals at #45, even “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X at #49, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #54, “Loading” by Central Cee at #59, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #60, “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #64, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #66, “Dynamite” by BTS at #67, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #72, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa with the biggest fall down to #73 and finally “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix at #74. To put the dominance of holiday music on the charts in perspective, if we take the songs that are not either explicitly Christmas-related or a clear Christmas #1 campaign (i.e. LadBaby), the song at #38 would be at #10 and our #1 would be “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19. “Whoopty” by CJ, that entered the top 10 last week and dropped to #22 this week, would be at #3. There are 11 songs in the top 40 that never made an effort to take advantage of the holiday season. When we get into some of our debuts, it’ll be even clearer how big Christmas is in British pop music. Anyway, let’s skim through our gains and returning entries, most of which are Christmas or Christmas-related. For returning entries, we have the comically awful “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud at #71, last year’s scam attempt at a Christmas #1, “River” by Ellie Goulding at #69, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by Nat King Cole at #63 (which I’d appreciate more in the top 20 like it is in the US every year – this is a classic), “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders at #62 (again, incredible song that deserves a higher holiday peak each year), “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love at #58, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia at #55, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #53 and for whatever reason, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper at #41. In terms of notable gains – and I stress notable, since a lot of higher-up Christmas songs had small gains but still good performance - we have “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra at #56, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby at #52, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Brett Eldredge and Meghan Trainor at #51, “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #50 (both off of the debut), “Baby it’s Cold Outside” AGAIN by Michael Bublé and Idina Menzel at #47, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #46, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano at #44, “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #42, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” AGAIN by Dean Martin at #39, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #34, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #33, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #32, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #29, “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms at #27, “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #26, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #25, “All You’re Dreaming Of” by Liam Gallagher at #24 (thanks to a Christmas #1 campaign that crashed and failed), “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams at #23, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #21, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #18, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #17, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #15, and finally, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber illegitimately notching a spot in the top 10 at #8. Finally, we can get onto the new arrivals, although something about this next one tells me that we won’t be in line for anything all that good.

NEW ARRIVALS

#70 – “I’ll be Home” – Meghan Trainor

Produced by Meghan Trainor

...for Christmas. She’ll be home for Christmas. I guess she just can’t finish sentences, even though her cover art has the full title. Anyway, this is a 2014 original Christmas song that went nowhere except Sweden. It’s not anything like the Bing Crosby and wasn’t nearly as successful, mostly because it’s a jingly, inoffensive ballad tacked onto a silly Christmas EP that also features Fifth Harmony and Fiona Apple of all people – who probably should have charted her track instead – as well as the deluxe edition of that debut record Title that nobody liked. At least in this, she’s not going for a faux-retro style, or at least one that I can find the inspiration for, and is just singing over this oddly jaunty piano melody – which sounds pretty albeit bland – as well as some swells of strings and acoustic guitar that do work sonically. The content implies that Meghan Trainor is in contact with Santa Claus personally, and that he gave her the advice to be home with her lover this Christmas and... that’s why this charted, isn’t it? Well, it’s not her fault – it’s not a “stuck with u” moment, but it is dodgy that she decided to put this on her own Christmas record that was released in October of this year, which can’t seem unintentional. I’d be lying to say this isn’t a pretty little tune from Trainor and her voice does fit this instrumental, but a jazzy rendition from someone with a deeper, smoother voice, would work wonders with the content. Oh, and that Christmas record features guest appearances from both Earth, Wind & Fire and Seth MacFarlane, as well as her dad, because, you know, sure, 2020.

#65 – “Gnat” – Eminem

Produced by d.a. got that dope

I can’t tell if I’m underestimating Christmas or overestimating Eminem when I say I expected an album bomb – or whatever that equivalent would be in the UK and our land of silly chart rules – from the deluxe edition of his pretty damn terrible album, Music to be Murdered By. This 3/10 trainwreck consists of two hours I’ll never get back of either great beats wasted by Eminem’s corny, stiff flows and painfully unlikeable delivery or obnoxious, unlistenable beats that are dated enough for Eminem to start going on his Relapse “killing women in funny accents” shtick, which was awful then and even worse now when he tries to replicate it. Marshall, you’re 48, and I know that you’re just “messing around” but if you’re going to treat the album as a cinematic masterpiece within the album and its thematic Alfred Hitchcock interludes, you have to understand that the audience will see it as that way as well, so you having fun and being painfully unfunny in the process over cutting-room-floor trap instrumentals cannot slide. At least Kamikaze had some genuine anger and dare I say some actual balls in how it tackled controversy and dissed everyone he could think of off the top of his head. The last record was angry and bitter, this one’s just tired and lazy, and that’s before we get into some of the ugliest bars, instrumentals and cadences Slim Shady’s ever put on record, which is especially present on “Gnat”, a lightweight trap banger with some acoustic guitars not dissimilar to those that would appear on a Lil Baby mixtape, complete with questionable bass mixing and really bad hooks. On the verses, he sends a death threat to Mike Pence, but on the chorus, his bars are “like COVID” because “you get them right off the bat”. I don’t know about you, but in 2020, I don’t want to hear Eminem harmonising with producer tags, making topical and insensitive pandemic references, or spitting sex bars with coughing ad-libs. Before the beat switch, his flows are some of the sloppiest and drawn-out he’s ever used, and yes, I’ll admit, that second beat is a lot better and Em kills it over that instrumental – but only for a brief moment before we have a third beat, which Eminem is pretty great over, especially with that sax and sweet piano keys overlaid with hard 808s and Eminem’s rapid-pace, quick fire flow... and then he raps the chorus again and I want the song to end as quickly as it started – thankfully, it does end rather abruptly. Just wasted potential all throughout – if that beat switch and flow was a guest verse on damn near anyone else’s record (Em has made tracks with Don Toliver of all people, and he could work), this could be great. For now, Em, you know Kris Kristofferson? I think you should Piss Pissofferson. Forever. Look that up, by the way, that’s a lyric on the record because of course it is.

#61 – “In the Bleak Midwinter” – Jamie Cullum

Produced by ???

I had only briefly heard the name “Jamie Cullum” before this, but he is an English jazz-pop singer and pianist who’s basically useless and uninteresting but, hey, at least he has a radio show on BBC Radio 2. Sure, I mean that might have been the reason that Amazon Music picked him up for an exclusive project for which this is the biggest single. It’s not on Spotify, it’s not even on Genius, and it’s barely on YouTube but since it is, I should tell you that this is his first charting single since 2009 and it’s a remarkably uninteresting rendition of a Christmas carol done a lot better by Jacob Collier – and that one’s on Spotify – so yeah, your sleepy piano arrangement and tone that makes you sound like Robbie Williams half the time and Beck the other, doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

#30 – “Afterglow” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by PARISI, Fred Again and Ed Sheeran

If we inexplicably remove everything Christmas-related on the chart, Eminem’s “Gnat” would have debuted at #20, and this new track from Ed Sheeran, already stunted from being released on an unconventional day, would have hit #5. Regardless of chart position, Ed Sheeran’s back with his first solo single since Divide. Yes, I’m purposefully ignoring that collaborative project he put out in 2019 because as far as I know, it doesn’t exist. At the end of the year, when things are looking as if he could start touring again, Sheeran predictably releases his lead-off single. This song in particular is a heartfelt ballad from Ed to his wife, who he wishes to be there forever and even if they aren’t together at any moment, whether he’s touring or they separate for whatever reason, he’ll “hold on to the afterglow”. I won’t lie, it’s a really sweet and convincingly sold love song from Ed, even if it’s not anything new, it does feel like a different approach since he’s a newly-wed man now. Although I’m not a fan of this somewhat muddy mixing that somehow messes up just a guy and his acoustic guitar, making what should be a really pretty, ethereal and mellow track sound almost ugly, which doesn’t flatter Ed and his limited delivery at all, especially when he starts getting multi-tracked in the second verse and whooshing sound effects of strings pop up in the mix, and, yeah, it just sounds cheap and gross at this point, which is really a waste of incredible content and a great performance from Ed, who sells everything as well as he can. I understand how this is supposed to be down to Earth, so a perfect mix wouldn’t make sense, but if you’re going to make him harmonise with his own background vocals and even show signs of belting, give him some more grandiosity and go full out instead of restraining him so that it just sounds jarring. With a different mix this could be one of Ed’s best tracks since the melodies are on point, the song feels really heart-warming and sincere, especially coming from Ed to his wife, but we won’t get a remaster anytime soon, I imagine, so for now this is just pretty damn good. I love the cover art as well, painted by Ed himself, and released alongside the single as a bit of a Christmas gift to fans, as well as the start of what I’m pretty sure will be a promo cycle. If this is a good peek into what that album will sound like, it’s safe to say I’m more than excited than ever to hear from Ed Sheeran.

#5 – “Boris Johnson is a Fricking Jerk” – Kool & the Gang

Produced by ???

Okay, so the song’s calling Boris Johnson something stronger than a “fricking jerk”, and the song is decidedly not by soul legends Kool & the Gang, although I’d love for that to happen sometime. This is a family show, of course, so we have to take some liberties. This track originates from a comedian from Basildon, Essex of all places, and whilst we don’t know his name, the songwriting credit on Spotify is given to contemporary British poet Wayne Clements so maybe he’s behind this, who knows? Whether he is or not, I can tell you the history behind this comedian’s music, as he has been making crude short singles about controversial topics in British society and politics for a while, including some about Nick Clegg that charted, although never higher than #63. He retired in 2016 but after writing an autobiography, the guy’s back and he released a compilation of punk rock tracks, all of which are small and profane, with a “band” of puppets that I also can’t name. State-controlled Russian television networks – because, sure, again, it’s 2020 – say that he will start touring in 2021, mostly because he’s finally reached that mainstream audience with this family-friendly tune about Boris Johnson. Here’s how Vick Hope and Katie Thistleton introduced it live on air during the mid-week chart reveal.

Now at #19, we've got a track about Boris Johnson that has so many bad words in it, we can't play it on daytime Radio 1.

Ah, you cowards. Wait... Anyway, I’m pretty happy that the British public can stick it to Boris and the heartless Tories that follow him and currently rule the country, even if it is all a bloody stupid joke from an anonymous punk rocker. We can dig into Boris for his failures on Brexit, mishandling of the pandemic, disgraceful reality-star-esque personal life, that he wasn’t even born in the UK yet is basically a nationalist, his history of Islamophobic commentary, his crap excuses for journalism back in the 2000s or even his clown-nose, blonde bowl-cut “hair style” he adopts whilst addressing us on live television feeding us lies and misleading statements that turn into retcons the next time he has to address the nation, whether it be on Brexit or COVID-19 tiers and regulations, both of which are a confusing mess to both sides of Europe that exist to drift us away from where we should be going as a nation, and further into the realm of political party tribalism that we know absolutely does not work in the States and that we mock the Yanks for. We’re more than the sick man of Europe, we are the America of Europe. I guess you could say Ireland is our Canada, but we don’t even have a Mexico to make us look better, we just have other western, central and northern European countries that may be flawed but are far ahead of whatever the hell this shell of a union is in 2020, less than 80 years after the creation of our National Health Service. People will look to pundits and newsreaders like Piers Morgan, entertainers like Phillip Schofield, war veterans and charity-givers like Captain Tom Moore, and even politicians like Boris Johnson, as the “heroes” of Britain’s 2020 but it’s increasingly clear that absolutely no-one is a hero, and it’s the people’s right to be upset. Hence, nearly exactly a year after Boris Johnson cheated his way into power by smear campaigns and elitism, we have this song debuting at #5. Unfortunately, the song doesn’t go into any of that. It just repeats the title in an anthemic – and considerably agreeable – refrain that is an undeniable punk hook. The riffs and guitar work here isn’t of any interest, but the guy’s delivery is powerful and furious, so I’ll give the song credit: it’s not just correct but it’s really good, especially for a one minute runtime. He also released some satirical MIDI-level synth-pop remix with gross Christmas sleigh bells and hi-hat skitters, because, say it with me, it’s 2020. I wouldn’t recommend the album though, it overstays its welcome by the time you get to “Jesus Died of a Stranglewank”.

#1 – “Don’t Stop Me Eatin’” – LadBaby

Produced by who cares?

I can’t get mad at this lazy “parody” of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” about sausage rolls, or even its Ronan Keating remix, which is LadBaby doing a favour to Ronan Keating, if anything. Sure, my blood boils with the idea that this incompetent Internet personality from the East Midlands – which I think I’m sadly also able to describe myself as – got the #1 over Mariah Carey, or even that Boris Johnson diss track, but it’s going to the Trussell Trust and it’s ultimately an inoffensive, vaguely happy track that even gets the vegans involved. I, for one, prefer “Boris Johnson is a Sausage Roll”, a version of our #5 you can – and should – play on the radio even after Christmas. I don’t have anything more to say about this guy so piss off, LadBaby, you can’t even get the album cover right to the song you’re parodying, thrice in a row.

Conclusion

Best of the Week is definitely going to the Somethings for “Boris Johnson is a Something Something”, with an Honourable Mention to Ed Sheeran’s “Afterglow”. I can’t bring myself to give a charity single Worst of the Week so I’ll spare LadBaby the honour and grant it to Jamie Cullum for his greedy Amazon exclusive trite, with a Dishonourable Mention for “Gnat” by Eminem, for just being wasted potential all across the board. Next week, everything Christmas-related will be gone and we’ll get a bunch of returns and hopefully some new, interesting returning entries. We might even get the impact of Playboi Carti’s long-anticipated album – and I hope so because it’s fantastic – but that’s wishful thinking. Anyways, I hope everyone had a happy holiday season. Here’s our top 10:

Thank you for reading. You can follow me @cactusinthebank for more rambling about pop music and occasionally politics, and I’ll see you next year.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 09/10/2020

Okay, so as you know this show has been on a “hiatus” for reasons I explained in the last episode and I had been thinking of different ways to continue this. Eventually I came to the conclusion that it does not really matter if I skipped tens of songs, maybe even more than 100, because a lot of them don’t have lasting success and if I kept doing these massive blocks of songs from months ago I would pretty much get nowhere by the end of the year. So, I’m writing this on Saturday, meaning the UK Singles Chart updated yesterday, and I think it’s about time I get back in schedule. This week’s #1 is “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior, and let’s discuss the new arrivals in the UK Top 75. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Dropouts and Returning Entries

So, how will this work? Well, it’s going to be pretty simple. No rundown of the top 10, no climbers and fallers, just reviews of the usually about 10 or so new songs that hit the UK Top 75. I’ll cover returning entries and drop-outs as well ever so briefly at the start of each episode, just for some additional clarity and information, I guess. This was actually a pretty damn busy week to start off with so we have a lot of drop-outs, some of which are pretty notable, like “Secrets” by DJ Regard and RAYE, “Fake Friends” by Ps1 and Alex Hosking, “Dinner Guest” by AJ Tracey and MoStack, Tion Wayne’s “I Dunno” featuring Dutchavelli and Stormzy, “Dancing in the Moonlight” by Jubel and Neimy and some other relatively unimportant one-week hits I won’t be mentioning here. Of course, there are songs that have been on the chart for months but I only recently covered like “This City” by Sam Fischer, “Kings & Queens” by Ava Max and “Don’t Need Love” by 220 KID and Gracey, as well as some gradual losses from the late Juice WRLD, those being “Smile” with the Weeknd and “Wishing Well”. Returning to the chart are “Real Life” by Burna Boy and Stormzy at #71, “One Too Many” by Keith Urban and P!nk at #57, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at #55 43 years after release because of this guy on TikTok drinking cranberry juice (That’s 2020 for you) and finally, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa at #30 thanks to a pretty good DaBaby remix. Now we have two album bombs to start this season off. Let’s go!

NEW ARRIVALS

#66 – “Always Forever” – Bryson Tiller

Produced by J-Louis, Teddy Walton and CAMEone

Bryson Tiller. I don’t really get or even know his music enough to spark any insight before listening, and to be transparent, no, I didn’t listen to that comeback album. Anniversary is a sequel of sorts to his debut album, Trapsoul, and I can expect just that, I imagine, from this very quick pre-release single dropped just a week or two before the album proper. This drowned-out, watery R&B style doesn’t usually work with me, especially when Drake does it, and Tiller’s nasal, high-pitched squeaky crooning here also does not fit this otherwise lovely production, with some fat bass 808s I really enjoy. The chorus is a  mess of fleeting background vocal runs and the performance here while not embarrassing feels kind of lifeless and checked-out. Admittedly, some of the harmonies he hits in the third verse/bridge are pretty nice-sounding, but it feels wasted when the song just continues to flutter off afterwards with the same dull key patterns and frankly, this is just an uninteresting and clearly unfinished track barely under three minutes and never reaching a point where it feels worth listening to. If I were a Bryson Tiller fan, I would be pretty underwhelmed with this.

#65 – “Years Go By” – Bryson Tiller

Produced by Streetrunner and Tarik Azzouz

Well, here’s the opening track from the record, where Tiller has to make that impactful first impression, and with this reverb-drenched guitar melody in the intro and the distorted sound effects that start off the song proper, it starts off solid, and, I’m afraid to say, continues to be so. This obviously goes for a more direct trap-rap vibe with a skittering drum pattern that really bumps and a... pretty underwhelming two verses from Tiller here, who prefers to just kind of impersonate the Weeknd until the beat abruptly cuts out for pointless Auto-Tuned vocal riffing, and, yeah, this is just clumsy. The flows here are tired and messy, often clinging off the ledge of the beat, and even if I really like the cute synths in the outro, I can’t excuse this. Once again, it just seems unfinished, and lyrically on both tracks, he’s saying nothing of any substance. I guess he shouts out Jack Harlow and... Danny Phantom? He also seems to refer to himself as “Godtiller” by the end, as in Godzilla, because no-one’s stopping him from doing so. Sigh, next.

#62 – “Bet You Wanna” – BLACKPINK featuring Cardi B

Produced by TBHits, Mr. Franks and Teddy

You may be able to recognise a pattern here but no, I didn’t listen to this really short debut album by BLACKPINK either, pretty fittingly called The Album. This isn’t really a collaboration I understand or expected but it’s not that far-fetched, especially since BTS did collaborate with Nicki Minaj a year or so ago. The songs features the girls only singing in English over some finger-snaps that sound painfully fake and some demanding piano that is completely switched for the pre-chorus only for it to come back later and then technically in the chorus but covered in tropical-like percussion and some background squealing, only for Cardi B to interrupt with a surprisingly PG verse – you can really tell she had to censor herself here – and that’s all she does in the song. This actually is a fair bit more refined than K-pop I heard previously as it seems to at least stick to a musical motif which seems to be a pretty difficult concept for a lot of these bands. I mean, that’s probably just because of the Western producers on this song like TBHits, who’s worked with Ariana Grande before. It isn’t a headache like “Kill This Love” and I really love the vocal performance from who I thinks is “Jennie” here although the others seem to scroll through ugly distortion effects, particularly in their verse. I mean, it sure is listenable and honestly kind of a far cry from the earlier songs I heard from them, but it’s still not very good. Sorry.

#60 – “On My Mind” ��� Diplo and SIDEPIECE

Produced by Diplo and SIDEPIECE

So, in 1996, R&B girl group 702 released a pretty solid new jack swing jam as their debut single, featuring Missy Elliott, called “Steelo”. It was a minor hit in itself and even sampled the Police – the rock band fronted by Sting, I feel the need to clarify considering the current climate.  It’s not a bad song, albeit perhaps overlong and unintentionally intimidating at times. You can tell Missy’s phoning it in a bit here, but she’s still as charming as ever here. 24 years later, we have “On My Mind”, a glorified house remix of the tune by Diplo and two of his buddies, basically. Is it any good? Well, yes. The sprinkling of cute synths in the intro combined with that leering vocal line really replicate the vibe of the original song, and it does that even better when a single vocal sample from the bridge is looped constantly under a pretty pounding bass and a typical four-on-the-floor house track. This song’s bridge of its own is incredibly pretty as well, to the point where the squawking and low-tone beeping don’t really bother me, especially when it just... crashes with buzzy bass drops that sound like a mix of a dubstep track and a car zooming past. It shifts up the entire song and honestly it works, it’s an effective climax, this is pretty fun, albeit lacking many ideas. It doesn’t really matter if those ideas are executed as well as they are here, so, thanks, Diplo.

#54 – “Rich Gnarly Dude Stuff” – 21 Savage and Metro Boomin featuring Young Thug

Produced by Metro Boomin and Peter Lee Johnson

Of course, it’s not actually titled “Rich Gnarly Dude Stuff” but I’ve got to at least try and keep this show clean. Now, I haven’t listened to many albums this year but 21 Savage and Metro Boomin’s collaborative album Savage Mode II is definitely one of the best of those few. Admittedly, it has a pretty lacklustre beginning and it doesn’t really make sense as a sequel to that Savage Mode EP, particularly because it’s trying to pay homage to a bunch of different styles of 80s, 90s and 2000s rap to the point of identity crisis, but it is one of the best album listening experiences I’ve had this year, with some absolutely killer production from Metro, the sheer brilliance of the Morgan Freeman interludes and 21’s improvement as a rapper being really on show throughout the record. “Rich Gnarly Dude Stuff” is one of my absolute favourites on the album, with the smooth as hell synths and that violin sample that is just hypnotic. 21 Savage slides on this beat and he actually sounds pretty slick with Auto-Tune here, especially over this production which is just beautiful; Metro really is the highlight of the record all things considered. In fact, 21 kind of loses me with his brand flexing and the weird empty spaces that he seems to compensate for by jumbling words together to fit the meter which is unfitting for the mood of the song. Thugger, however, I’m convinced can do no wrong. His upbeat, joyful inflections are in great contrast with his crooning in the second half of the verse, and even though he only really uses one flow through the verse, it leaves a good impression on me fast enough for me to dismiss that. Are they on-topic? Barely. Are they saying anything of substance other than some flexing, sex talk and threats? No, I mean, it’s 21 Savage and Young Thug, but the most important thing here is delivery and these guys have it in spades. I’m a lot more convinced that Thugger has hit men than YoungBoy Never Broke Again is all I’m saying. That being said, please don’t send your shooters, Mr. Broke Again.

#43 – “Runnin” – 21 Savage and Metro Boomin

Produced by Metro Boomin

After the gorgeous introduction from Metro and Morgan Freeman, you are met headfirst with the wrath of... a pretty Diana Ross sample. The way Metro flips this into this head-nodding almost Memphis-like trap beat makes it sound a lot more ominous and menacing though, and it really hits when 21 comes in with his opening bars that start off the project, giving you a basic rundown about what he’s going to do in the album only in the first verse: beat people up, buy cars, spend money on women who he only keeps around for sex and finally, shoot the opps. In fact, he calls his Draco a paedophile because “all of his opps gettin’ touched”, which is a questionable line. 21, are you saying your opps are all children? Regardless, 21 does have some pretty funny wordplay and punchlines, particularly in the second verse with a really clever line about biblical marijuana (Go figure). Basically, he grows his weed in the Garden of Eden, but “zaza” is really high-quality marijuana and also a name mentioned in the Bible. I don’t know if that was intentional or not but if it was a coincidence it at least adds to the lyrics of the song. I have to say though that the chorus is weak and tedious as all hell, and by the end of the song that sample has well-overstayed its welcome, making the song hit a lot less harder than I think was intended. Hey, at least it has Morgan Freeman on it.

#40 – “Lovesick Girls” – BLACKPINK

Produced by R.Tee and 24

So, here we are in the top 40, with more BLACKPINK and to my surprise, honestly. I figured that the song with the big western rap star would be here but I suppose this did have a video behind it – that was controversial in Korea because of how the Korean Health and Medical Workers Union objected to Jennie wearing a sexualised nurse outfit, because, well, sure. This time the lyrics are mostly in Korean, and it sounds immediately much more like what I’d expect from what 2020’s K-pop has to offer. There is a pretty clean guitar loop that the whole song runs off of, some great vocal performances amongst simple rap flows and a drastic shift into an English chorus with some 80s-like synths and admittedly a nice synthpop beat. I prefer this a lot to “Bet You Wanna” but as it is it’s just inoffensive. I like Jennie’s rap verse though. “Don’t want to be a princess, I’m priceless / a Prince not even on my list”? Come on, that’s kind of fire, at least for middling Korean electropop standards.

#38 – “Heart of Glass” – Miley Cyrus

There aren’t any production credits on Spotify, Wikipedia or Genius, mostly because this is a live performance from iHeartRadio Music Festival – however they’re still doing that in these times – that was just dumped on streaming and impressively got all the way into the top 40. To be honest, I can’t say I’m a fan of the original – it’s a well-written song flattened by weak albeit infectious disco production and whilst the groove is infectious, the song has just never clicked with me, so I’m not excited to listen to Cyrus’ cover but hey, anything to delay talking about back-to-back Drake features and D-Block Europe. I WAS excited however when it started with a rock breakdown, especially that drum fill, but it soon restarted to the groove that we all know the song for and one that again, I never was too fond of to begin with. Miley is energetic, raspy and almost growling here at points but the instrumentation is somewhat stiff, which again is a problem I have with the original. It also doesn’t replace the synth riff with an epic guitar solo as I kind of hoped. At the point where Miley drops into “na-na-na”’s and unintelligible yelling is when I just zone out. I really hoped this could have been better, but I’m not a fan.

#35 – “Come Over” – Jorja Smith featuring Popcaan

Produced by Izaiah and MadisonLST

It’s rare there’s a song on these charts that intrigues or excites me in the way this one does, not because it’s particularly novel or groundbreaking, but just because this is a new song from two artists I like but haven’t checked out much from, and I have yet to hear it so I’m glad it debuted this high. I’m happy for Popcaan too, he seems to be having a good year signed to OVO and all, even if I’ve never really tried to listen to his solo stuff. I’ve heard many features from the guy though, with Drake, Kanye, Pusha T, Gorillaz on “Saturnz Barz” and especially alongside Jamie xx and Young Thug on one of my favourite songs of all time, “I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times)”, and he does not detract from a single one of them. I enjoyed Smith’s debut album a fair bit and whilst nothing she’s released since has really clicked with me, I’m still excited to hear what she has in store. I really love the production here, even if it is a tad fragmented, especially with that awkward vocal sample, but the atmospheric and hell, even spacey dancehall beat really evokes dub. I also hate the way that vocal sample is manipulated to a nasal, pitch-shifted tone in the bridge, but I guess the chorus is really pretty. Popcaan is kind of obnoxious crooning on here but he flows when he starts really flowing... then he’s immediately interrupted by Jorja singing the first verse again for whatever reason, and, yeah, this song’s a mess. It’s so oddly produced that by the time the air horns, yes, air horns, kick in during the outro, you are left with no real idea of what you just listened to. Or at least I was.

#28 – “Mr. Right Now” – 21 Savage and Metro Boomin featuring Drake

Produced by Metro Boomin and DAVID x ELI

And now, Drake. Thankfully this is the better of the two Drake-featured songs we have here, but this is still a low point on Savage Mode II and definitely an unnecessary inclusion. The production here is actually incredible, with those sweet strings and a quiet vocal sample that is absolutely infectious. The issue here is 21 Savage cannot really do an R&B hook that well, and even when he’s in his element on a trap beat, his bars are non-existent and generic. That pre-chorus is just awful coming from 21. I hate to say it, but maybe Drake could have been more involved here other than the second verse, where he starts by just repeating what 21 said, and then continues to just be Drake, and I’m not sure about the general public, but listening to Drake being Drake is nothing more than monotonous at this point. The only interesting thing he really says in his verse is that he used to date SZA in 2008, which, according to SZA herself, is actually inaccurate by about a year, which is just... well, Drake being Drake. Also, I’m really sick of quarantine music already. You should always reflect on the experience before making art about something like this, and I feel like a fleeting reference to the pandemic with a one-and-done bar I’ve heard a couple times before already (“We in quarantine, but my M’s long”) just dates this slow and sloppy R&B cut even more. Calling it now: if Metro hadn’t produced this, this would be unlistenable.

#24 – “Outta Time” – Bryson Tiller featuring Drake

Produced by Nineteen85, Vinylz and 40

Well, I guess it’s time to test this hypothesis. I don’t think that Drake has come out with anything salvageable this year, mostly because he’s been releasing leftovers and branding them as such, and they still top charts. I mean, “Laugh Now Cry Later” is okay but that’s mostly saved by 20 seconds of Lil Durk being an absolute treasure. The way he croons gargled nonsense and follows it up with “Bring Drake to the hood, surround Drake around Drac’s” might be the funniest and best moment in pop music this year. This song with Bryson Tiller is nowhere near as amusing but honestly Drake mumble-singing over a pretty classy 90s-reminiscent R&B sample is usually quite pleasant... here he just sounds whiny and immature, and he’s pretty clearly recycling cadences and flows he’s already used. He also has zero chemistry with Tiller, maybe because they never interact on the song, with Tiller’s Auto-Tuned crooning saved for the last half of the track, mostly because I imagine it’s easier to get streams with Drake at the start. Honestly, I prefer Bryson Tiller’s part. Hey, I don’t like his voice, but over that sweet Snoh Aalegra sample, I’m not going to say it doesn’t work. This is the best I’ve heard from the album but I mean it’s not like there’s competition.

#21 – “Wonder” – Shawn Mendes

Produced by Shawn Mendes, Nate Mercereau, Scott Harris and Kid Harpoon

Really? Only #21? Okay, well, I suppose some Shawn Mendes songs are slow burners but considering how successful “If I Can’t Have You” and “Senorita” were right after release I did expect this new lead single to seep at least into the top 15, especially since the UK has a tendency to just let anybody in the top 20, but, hey, if the song’s good, it shouldn’t really matter. Much like “In My Blood” from the last album rollout, this is a ballad, although this is specifically a post-breakup ballad where he contemplates on his manufactured relationship with Camila Cabello. So it couldn’t get into the top 20 even with fake personal drama surrounding the single? Wow. Well, I actually kind of like the lyrical content here, especially the second verse where he briefly addresses toxic masculinity, and how it makes him feel like less of a man when he cries because that’s what society’s conventions and norms programmed him to feel. I would like it a bit better if it weren’t as on-the-nose and kind of clumsy as it is, especially since the rest of the song is just wondering what it would feel like to be loved by Camila Cabello and some dreary, post-breakup lines. The first verse taps into more profound and insightful territory to but it goes nowhere and I find it hard to care about this melodrama at all, even if it is backed by a pretty powerful choir arrangement. Much like “If I Can’t Have You” and some of his other tracks before this, especially “Mercy”, this feels like a pretty overproduced, underwritten angst jam with absolutely no teeth to it other than a performance from Mendes that goes into some belting territory but is overall too restrained to fit this kind of anthemic orchestral instrumentation and especially those drums. In conclusion, this is a waste of potential but at least it had potential to begin with, unlike...

#11 – “UFO” – D-Block Europe featuring Aitch

Produced by Cardo, Cubeatz and DY Krazy

People complain about the charts all the time, particularly the type and quality of music on it. This is especially true with the USA’s Billboard Hot 100 and I understand that chart has incredible flaws it hasn’t made up for, but at least it doesn’t have D-Block Europe every other week. I mean, a pretty great British rap song even ended up on the Hot 100 thanks to TikTok and DaBaby, that being “Don’t Rush” by Young T & Bugsey featuring Headie One. That proves that these recurring antagonists of REVIEWING THE CHARTS are not necessary; I like Young T & Bugsey. We could just replace these oversaturated whining idiots with those guys, but no, we have Young Adz and Dirtbike LB, and they’re here to stay. Oh, and even better, they’re here with Aitch, pioneer of the new “gentrified drill” genre. Apparently to Young Adz, this is a “different” song that could isolate their audience, but I just see this as pretty normal Young Adz moaning over guitar-trap beats. It’s not drill, but it’s not like this is all that different or interesting... like at all. Adz has this hilariously bad “ooh-wee” flow that just sounds ridiculous on this beat, and Aitch proves his status as the whitest man in UK rap – and this is the country that brought you Professor Green. The song isn’t even about spaceships or any type of unidentified flying object! It’s just about having sex with drug dealers, with the only reference to the supernatural being the intro where Young Adz says that this sex is apparently happening in space... for no reason. And Dirtbike LB, well...

I’mma cover my pain with these shades

Just as embarrassing as usual. These guys have got an album out this week by the way, with 29 songs and a full 91 minutes of this same garbage they’ve been pumping out mixtapes of for two years now. They’re still funny occasionally and never on purpose, but the humorous inflections and stupid lines are now so few and far between that it’s barely worth pointing any of that out anymore. God.

Conclusion

This wasn’t just a busy week to start off on, but also a week where I’m not left impressed by really any of this, even from the album I liked. Worst of the Week still goes to D-Block Europe and Aitch with “UFO” with Bryson Tiller picking up the Dishonourable Mention for both of his first two lousy tracks here. Other than that, well, I only really like “Rich Gnarly Dude Stuff” by 21 Savage, Metro Boomin and Young Thug so that runs away with Best of the Week, but I guess I’ll give the Honourable Mention to “On My Mind” by Diplo and SIDEPIECE, for at least being kind of fun if not anything else.

Here’s the top 10 for this week:

...and that’s all from me. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more garbage and hopefully I’ll see you next week.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22nd December 2019

It’s the special Christmas episode – or at least the climax of many – of REVIEWING THE CHARTS, where we discuss the UK Top 40 every week without fail, with a complete disregard for my deteriorating mental state. Let’s start with the top 10 and finish what is essentially season two of this show.

Top 10

I’m sure everyone knows the Christmas #1 by now. I’ll talk more about it later, I actually have a lot to say, it’s British YouTuber LadBaby’s “I Love Sausage Rolls”, debuting at #1 much like he did last year. I’ll elaborate in more detail once we reach the new arrivals section.

Steady at the runner-up spot is “Own It” by Stormzy featuring Burna Boy and Ed Sheeran, sadly pipped at the post even with the release of his sophomore album, Heavy is the Head.

At number-three, actually up one space this week, is “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi.

It replaces “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa, down one spot to number-four.

We have our first true Christmas song in the top five this year next, as “Last Christmas” by WHAM! is up two spaces to number-five. It isn’t the first time it’s reached the top five, or even its highest placement, but I think they’ll settle for top five this year.

At number-six, we have another debut, the second of three in the top 10, and first of two for Stormzy: “Audacity”, a pre-release single from Heavy is the Head, or “Audacitiy”, as the BBC’s page, in its typical fashion, misspells horribly. It features Headie One, becoming Headie’s highest-peaking song ever, tied with “18HUNNA” featuring Dave, and fifth UK Top 40, as well as second top 10 entry. It’s Stormzy’s 20th UK Top 40 hit and also his ninth entry into the top ten.

At number-seven, we have “ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas, down two spaces to number-seven.

Also down two spaces, surprisingly, is “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey, despite the release of a new music video. In reality, all of the top 10 has probably gained in performance, and Carey here was a victim of LadBaby and Stormzy.

We have Stormzy’s third and final debut here, “Lessons”, at number-nine, this time solo, which is his 21st UK Top 40 hit and his tenth entry into the top ten.

Finally, at #10, we have a nine-spot crash for “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I, hurt by streaming cuts that dumb UK chart rules implement, but also would have possibly cost LadBaby the Christmas #1, and at least his song is vaguely Christmassy, unlike “Dance Monkey”, which would have otherwise spent a consecutive twelfth week at #1 hadn’t it jumped down to #10.

Climbers

We have one non-Christmas climber this week, and it’s “Falling” by Trevor Daniel up nine spaces to #26.

Fallers

We don’t actually have many of these, either, though, but we do have a handful at the tail-end of the chart: “Heartless” by the Weeknd is definitely in freefall, down 13 spaces to #35, whilst “Don’t Rush” by Young T & Bugsey with Headie One curiously goes down seven spaces to #37 after going up seven spaces last week, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi crashes down 11 positions to #38, and “Netflix & Chill” by Fredo collapses down 12 spots to #40.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

As always with these Christmas weeks, we have quite a few drop-outs, yet very little returning entries. Streaming cuts have dragged out “Memories” by Maroon 5 out from #10 (Thank God), and brought out two other garbage top 20 hits with it: “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B from #13, and “Lose Control” by MEDUZA, Goodboys and Becky Hill from #18. Sadly, a pretty fantastic top 20 hit, Lizzo’s “Good as Hell” featuring Ariana Grande, is out too from #20. Also out from middling positions last week, #37 and #38 respectively, are “Down Like That” by KSI featuring Lil Baby, Rick Ross and S-X, and “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA, from the Frozen II soundtrack. Oh, yeah, and “Professor X” by Dave is out from #40.

In terms of returning entries, we only have one revolving around pretty depressing circumstances. The early death of 21-year-old emo-rapper Juice WRLD, one that we have seen a lot on this show, has propelled his song “Lucid Dreams” back to #27. For what it’s worth, the song has grown on me a lot since its release, and I’ve said my peace on the matter on Twitter. Rest in peace, Jared Higgins.

There is one returning entry and one drop-out that I’ve missed, but we’ll talk about them later.

IT’S CHIRSTMAS INNIT

First of all, the non-movers, climbers and fallers: If “River” by Ellie Goulding counts, it’s down three spots to #11, but otherwise... “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is at #14, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens is at #16, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid is up two to #17, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John is up six to #19, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is down one spot to #24, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis is up four to #25, “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up three to #28, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard is up five to #29, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade is up five to #31, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee is at #32 and “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson is up six to #33.

We have one Christmassy returning entry, and that is the festive albeit creepy “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia back at #36. Combined with the Christmassy new arrival and the songs within the top 10, that means we have within 15 to 17 holiday songs on the “Christmas chart” (More on that later). So, basically, we’re 50% Christmas here on the UK Top 40... arguably, disputably, whatever. Here are the Album Bomb(s)?

ALBUM BOMB(S)?: Heavy is the Head by Stormzy and Fine Line by Harry Styles

This is a pretty awkward album bomb as I’ve already covered most things about Stormzy in the Top 10 section and it’s really disputable if Harry Styles had an album bomb but he had one debut and one re-entry as well as a faller, all from the same album, so I’m counting that as an album bomb. Rod Stewart, however, the damned fool, didn’t get an album bomb however he got the Christmas #1 on the albums chart, trumping both UK rapper and songwriter Stormzy at #2, and former One Direction member and current rockstar Harry Styles at #3.

I haven’t heard Heavy is the Head but I’m excited to check it out. I’m weary of its length, but some of the features seem intriguing. Its impact on this chart is weakened by both UK chart rules only allowing for three songs and the fact that, well, it’s Christmas, technically. That would also explain why Harry Styles’ “Lights Up” dropped out from #33 this week, as it was the single that performed the least, whilst “Watermelon Sugar” is back at #18 and “Adore You” has dropped off one spot from its debut, landing at #12 on this chart. Before we even get to exciting new music from Stormzy, let’s cover some weaksauce garbage from Harry Styles.

#39 – “Falling” – Harry Styles

Produced by Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson – Peaked at #62 in the US

Aw, do I have to? Well, I’ve already said how much I disliked Styles’ sophomore record and why, back on last episode (And the last paragraph) actually, so I don’t need to bring it up again. “Falling” is Styles’ fifth UK Top 40 hit, and the third best-performing song from the album; three is all allowed from one album on the UK Top 40. Styles had an actual album bomb on the Hot 100, and this one charted decently high there too. Also, fun fact: since Trevor Daniel is still here, this marks the first time in forever that two identically-named songs with entirely different lyrics and content (I.e., aren’t covers) have charted simultaneously. Somehow, and I dread to think, the Trevor Daniel song may be better. The pianos here are reverb-heavy and saturated so much to the point where I geta feeling of drab, moist dread, which is represented in the production overall, especially when Harry Styles belts and his vocals clip pretty heavily in the mix here. The lyrics are specific and do resonate to some extent, especially the self-referential and dare I say meta second verse, and I can’t exactly say Styles’ delivery is unconvincing, despite it reminding me too much of Lewis Capaldi than it probably should – you’re a much better singer than him or this, Harry. If the production wasn’t so shoddy and it wasn’t four plodding minutes, perhaps this gross, distorted excerpt of a power ballad wouldn’t be so excruciating, but alas, here we are. Good effort, I suppose.

#9 – “Lessons” – Stormzy

Produced by Ed Thomas

I have no idea what to expect. It’s the penultimate track on the album and it’s produced by some guy I don’t know. I haven’t been this clueless about a song before hearing it on this show in months, but it’s actually pretty high here because of how it touches upon Stormzy’s personal life, specifically his relationship with television presenter Maya Jama... and I really want to like this. The song is honest and soulful, with Stormzy admitting his faults in the relationship multiple times, and I enjoy the theme of childhood that he toys around with in the verses, but it’s really vague to exactly how he “disrespected” her, and I’m not asking for a vent that details his entire relationship with Jama but it feels somewhat insincere if the closest you get to a specific memory is either having candles lit up, which is overwhelmingly common, and pacing around the kitchen after a fight, “like this s**t is foul”. Some of these rhymes are also pretty painful. Rhyming “Maya” with “Maya”, and then, “fire” with “desire”? Come on, man, you’re better than that, and there is a lack of internal rhymes or even a comprehensive flow to the whole thing. I do like the vintage R&B beat with some very 90s keys sprinkled through the fake finger-snaps, and the blocky percussion is pretty smooth, albeit too stiff to make the chorus work at all, as it’s just really odd, aimless, multi-tracked rambling, with really half-hearted singing vocals from Stormzy. I don’t know, I really want to like this, but the content is overly vague, the production is dull and uninteresting, and the performance is just the same, as he sounds like he hasn’t slept in days. Maybe that’s the point? Probably, but it doesn’t make this song any more endearing. Sorry, I really wanted to like this, so a half-decent single here sounds like the biggest disappointment, but it’s just passable at best, really.

#6 – “Audacity” – Stormzy featuring Headie One

Produced by Fraser T. Smith

This is the banger of the record, with an up-and-coming UK drill rapper, that would burst onto the chart with a wham... whilst also being right next to WHAM!, but that’s a coincidence. T. Smith is on the boards, Stormzy and Headie One are on the mic, and they sound hungry. Any time Stormzy starts off a track with that trailing “It’s like...” ad-lib, I know it’s going to be ferocious, and this is what this track is. Over looming 808 bass and crawling synths, Stormzy is losing his breath, rasping through his bars because of his insistency to do an angered one-take, like a madman, and it sounds angry and really violent. I’m genuinely kind of scared, it kind of works like Bobby Schmurda’s “Hot Boy” because its purpose is to paint such a vivid picture of gang violence that it gives you goosebumps. Stormzy is talking about inexperienced rappers dissing him... and in the first verse, he goes into detail about why he wants to kill this man, in an oddly calm demeanour before he starts losing it once he starts talking about how he’s going to “skeng-fry his dome”, even accepting the gunsmoke (Both literally and figuratively) that this person tries to use to intimidate Stormzy as just weed smoke, which sounds a lot more savage than I made it sound. Headie One is more melodic on this mix of nasty grime synths and UK drill bass beats, but his more casual delivery really makes the pretty funny bars somewhat intoxicating, especially when he says, “Knowledge is power, ask Gandhi”, which is just hilariously nonsensical... but it’s still not great. It runs way too long at four minutes, and feels pretty repetitive and like a drone by the end, especially due to lack of a true climax. Also the beat just fades out and leaves Stormzy’s isolated vocal, which is abruptly cut off by the end too, so that just sounds awkward. I wish I liked this more, but it sounds more like a weak “Wiley Flow” than the anthemic “Vossi Bop” or the pounding “Sounds of the Skeng”. I still like it, though, it’s just a fair bit duller than Stormzy’s usual offerings in this trap banger lane. Speaking of that, I listened to “Big Michael” out of curiosity and that was freaking amazing, so why didn’t that chart instead of these comparatively mediocre offerings?

One week, it’s “Blinded by Your Grace” / Next week, it’s bang you in your face!

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 –“Happy Christmas (War is Over)” – John Legend

I have no production or chart data for this one, because, guess what? It’s another Christmassy cover song released by an aging and increasingly irrelevant pop star exclusively on platforms that provide more sales and hence boost its false chart placement. I’m glad this is only a holiday thing because it’d drive me up the wall if this was done often. Legend released his Christmas album in 2018, called A Legendary Christmas, and it included many covers, including the infamous “woke” “Baby it’s Cold Outside” rendition with Kelly Clarkson on the 2019 deluxe edition. Of course, this song’s not on said deluxe edition for whatever reason... he really couldn’t just cover a nice old Christmas song, he had to do the controversial songs, huh? The whole album is really disposable garbage filled with novelty and commercialised merriment. I used to really like this guy but he is far beyond receiving my best wishes at this point in his career. Uh, the original song is a hot mess as well. Let’s just get to the meat and potatoes, no pun intended.

#1 – “I Love Sausage Rolls” – LadBaby

Produced by LadBaby

No, not DaBaby. LadBaby. Okay, so, first of all, this potentially isn’t the true “Christmas #1”, as after all, this chart was released before Christmas Day and doesn’t count sales that were made on December 25th, although the press seems to have accepted this as the Christmas #1, and have highly publicised it as such, so I’m allowing it, even though I guess you could dispute that. Second of all, LadBaby is a YouTuber who makes comedy videos or vlogs or something? I don’t know, I don’t pay attention. The video for this that they showed on Top of the Pops (Yes, this was aired on Top of the Pops) had his family in, all wearing sausage roll outfits, so maybe he’s a family vlogger? Speaking of those outfits, the same family is featured on the cover, which is a parody of the famous Abbey Road album cover by the Beatles. Not only is that not a Christmas album but it equally doesn’t work because this is a parody of a Joan Jett song, “I Love Rock and Roll”. Finally, LadBaby got to the top before with “We Built This City” in 2018, a parody of the Starship song with the exact same punchline as this one. Bottom line, this is just a novelty song with a dumb punchline and pretty terrible production, because as with all YouTube songs, it sounds cheap and very royalty-free. These guys can’t sing, especially not LadBaby himself, but it really doesn’t matter because we’re not supposed to actually listen to this. We’re supposed to listen once and have a chuckle, and move on, but sadly, this isn’t even funny enough for me to snigger. I’m not a fan, and if Tones and I’s song hadn’t crashed as hard as it did thanks to dumb UK chart rules, LadBaby would be even less liable to stick the landing next year, and I really hope he doesn’t.

Conclusion

On principle, I feel like giving a tied Worst of the Week to John Legend for his annoying exclusivity and really garbage album that “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” is connected to, alongside LadBaby, for hitting the #1 spot with a cheap novelty song in “I Love Sausage Rolls”, which is a joke he’s done before, instead of Stormzy or, you know, an actual Christmas song. In reality, I haven’t heard the John Legend song and I don’t even want to, and the LadBaby song isn’t really worth getting angry about. The Best of the Week is just as hard to pick due to the sheer lack of quality on display here, but I’ll give it to Stormzy and Headie One for “Audacity”, I guess.

I hope you guys enjoyed this second season of REVIEWING THE CHARTS – I know it was a rocky one, but we got there in the end. I can’t really say happy holidays because I’m a day or two late from Christmas but I’ll definitely say thank you for reading this past year. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week – but that’ll be next season, and possibly next year.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 20th January 2019

So, uh, I‘ve been listening to a lot of Aminé recently.

FEATURED SINGLE #2 – “BLACKJACK” – Aminé

This is our second Featured Single, and I’ve decided this will be before the chart so feel free to skip this if you don’t want something beyond the charts to check out. This recently got a hilarious video, with ridiculous attention-to-detail and impressive... “choreography”. That counts as a single for me, and God, do I love this one. There’s this maddening melody that immediately gets pounded by an intense bass thud, with Aminé rapping monotonously initially, but gradually getting as excited as his ad-libs, with his quick flow accentuating both his loveable voice cracks and some of the funniest lyrics I’ve heard from the guy, including those four lines in the second verse, which he spends just praising and appreciating Jack Black?

Rockin’ and rollin’ like Jack Black / Schoolin’ you n****s like Jack Black (Yeah!) / How could you not like Jack Black? (How?) / I put that on my momma, n****, no cap

That second verse is great, by the way, there’s something so charismatic and enthusiastic about Aminé’s pointlessly specific pop culture references that can either breeze by so you don’t notice them or, as shown above, essentially be a rake joke.

Said she wants a spot on my list (Please) / I told her, “Go pray to your God” (I need to go to Church)

Yeah, that last part’s an ad-lib – more people should be doing back-and-forth exchanges in their ad-libs, 21 Savage’s done it in “10 Freaky Girls” and so has, uh... Cal Chuchesta? Anyway, this is literally a minute and 57 seconds long, so it doesn’t waste your time. Check it out if you like stuff by KYLE or enjoyed Aminé’s one hit, “Caroline”, although this isn’t really in the same range.

Top 10

Pretty busy week, let’s get into it quickly, because there’s not a lot to care about. “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max is still at the top spot and has been for about five or six weeks now. “7 rings” by Ariana Grande’ll take this spot next week, although we do have competition.

These next three songs are the competition, including “Nothing Breaks like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus up one spot to the runner-up space, number-two.

Post Malone’s “Wow.” is also up one spot to number-three – good for it, this is a great song and I’d love it to hit #1.

Now, our first top 10 debut this week, “Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani, arriving at number-four. This is Smith’s 17th Top 40 hit in the UK, and his 11th Top 10, whilst this is Normani’s second Top 40 hit and first Top 10 hit, so congratulations, I suppose, even though this isn’t including Fifth Harmony, who were hitmakers in their own right. We’ll talk more about this later.

“Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse isn’t moving at number-five.

Collapsing down five spots to number-six is “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande.

Our second top 10 single that debuted in this spot is “Giant”, by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, at number-seven. This is Harris’ 34th or 35th Top 40 hit and 24th Top 10, and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s 3rd Top 40 hit and 2nd Top 10 hit after his smash “Human”. We’ll talk more about this one later as well.

“Play” by Jax Jones featuring Years & Years is up three places to number-eight, becoming Jones’ 4th Top 10 hit and Years & Years’ 5th.

Once again, we have a debut in the top 10, this time at number-nine, as Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd collaborate once again for “Lost in the Fire”. This is Abel’s 17th Top 40 hit and 7th Top 10, while it’s Gesaffelstein’s first charting song as a credited solo artist ever, so congratulations. We’ll talk about this one more a bit later.

Finally, “Without Me” by Halsey is at #10, and it hasn’t moved from last week.

Climbers

We have two UK hip-hop songs gaining pretty highly here, one being pretty good - “Options” by NSG featuring Tion Wayne, up 11 spots to #14 – and the other being awful – “Gun Lean” by Russ splash is up five spaces to #34, but that’s it.

Fallers

These are a different story, however. “18HUNNA” by Headie One and Dave is down five to #11, “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie is down eight to #15, “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings is down seven to #16, “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson is down five to #17, “ZEZE” by Kodak Black featuring Travis Scott and Offset is down six to #19, “Undecided” by Chris Brown is down six to #21, as is “Shotgun” by George Ezra to #22, and “Baby” by Clean Bandit, Marina and Luis Fonsi to #23, with the space of #24 being taken by “Thursday” by Jess Glynne, down five spaces since last week... but that’s not all. “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down six to #27, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is down eight to #31, “imagine” by Ariana Grande is down 13 to #33, “A Million Dreams” by P!nk is down 11 to #35, “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is down eight to #39 and finally “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down 12 to #40.

Dropouts

“Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is out from #28, “SICKO MODE” by Travis Scott featuring Drake and Swae Lee is out from #36, “2002” by Anne-Marie is out from #37, “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez is out from #32, “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is out from #35, “I’ll be There” by Jess Glynne is out from #40, “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #33 and “The Greatest Show” by Hugh Jackman, Keala Settle, Zac Efron, Zendaya and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is out from #38. That’s all, and there’s no returning entries, so let’s get straight to the main attraction.

NEW ARRIVALS

Yup, there’s eight of them. Let’s just blast through them as quickly as possible.

#38 – “Saturday Nights” – Khalid

Khalid is a great singer, and I’ve liked a lot of what he’s put out, but a full project from him would put me to sleep, hence I didn’t check out his EP he released last October titled Suncity. Thankfully, thanks to a remix with... Kane Brown of all people, it’s here for us to review, and as Khalid’s ninth top 40 hit, I can’t say it really stands up to his others. I think the guitar strumming has gotten a little too cliché in chill-pop, and I think Khalid was above following trends to a T, but he doesn’t really add anything except his sultry voice to what is essentially anyone’s instrumental, with off-kilter trap percussion and deep 808s, high-pitched vocal samples and again, that damn guitar. For some reason that guitar infuriates me so much, maybe it’s just because it’s so slick and runs through the entire song? This is entirely too polished and aggravatingly boring in that respect. Yeah, this is Khalid’s worst one yet. It’s exhaustingly overproduced, and not even his voice can save it.

#36 – “Leave Me Alone” – Flipp Dinero

...Is this post-trap?

Okay, so Flipp Dinero has been on the rise, and this is his first top 40 hit in the UK... and I honestly love it. We have this cutesy piano lead that’s so twinky it almost forgives the awfully cliché lyricism. In fact, everything here forgives that. Flipp Dinero’s raspy voice is a great contrast, and the trap beat here actually works because of how he flows over this, as it barely keeps up with him to the point that it has to add the producer tag and the “oh!” used in songs such as Nelly’s “Dilemma” and Travis Scott’s “3500” just to remind us it’s there. Flipp Dinero is freaking fantastic on this, and every “yuh” ad-lib is like an injection of happiness. There’s that flute you don’t even realise until Flipp stops (and no, he doesn’t do this often at all), and I haven’t even got into the hook. Not only is it insanely catchy, but it’s hilarious as Flipp sprays his heart out, with so much passion put into being mildly inconvenienced by a woman who wants to spend some time with him after they broke up. This is beautiful, and that’s not even sarcastic. This won’t be to everyone’s taste, but to me, this is so much fun. Better than the Michael Jackson song, though? Don’t even attempt the comparison.

#29 – “Someone You Loved” – Lewis Capaldi

God, this guy’s boring, and he doesn’t understand how music works. See, the vocals on the song are supposed to make sense relative to the instrumental, and if they don’t, there has to be justification or purposeful juxtaposition (see: “Leave Me Alone”). On “Grace”, he sounded out of place, and on his 2nd Top 40 hit, he sounds bored over a repetitive, droning piano melody. Lewis Capaldi strains his voice to James Arthur levels of undeserved intensity, and while Capaldi is definitely a better singer than Arthur, he’s just as lacking in any compelling content, delivery or personality. Does anyone actually care about Lewis Capaldi and what he has to say? No. No one does, because he’s Lewis Capaldi. We only found out we existed in England, and we’ve quite literally made his songs interchangeable, as his last hit dropped out this week. God, this guy is a bore in three minutes and two seconds. Leave me alone.

#25 – “Longshot” – Catfish and the Bottlemen

If I was still an indie/alternative rock-head like I used to be, I would be able to tell you all about Catfish and the Bottlemen because from what I heard, they were pretty damn good, actually. I’ve liked “7” and I heard their first album, it was okay, but I always knew there was a lack of a real hook to the band, that could blow them up, and I assume they’ve just found it, because this is their first top 40 hit in the UK, and, yeah, it’s pretty good. I like the intense build-up of that one guitar pluck until it just drops into a light pop-rock instrumental with enough power and distortion on the guitars and vocals to make it unique. There’s this ticking sound in the chorus that annoys me, but otherwise, it’s definitely a nice, catchy sing-a-long hook. Whilst I’ve never been all too fond on Van McCann’s somewhat nasal voice, I definitely think it works in the context of these poppier bangers, and like he says in the chorus, the little things do make me smile, as this instrumental is very intricately-layered without being cluttered. I love the passion in McCann’s “woo!” followed by a couple guitar strokes, I just think that’s a great moment you couldn’t exactly replicate with non-live instruments, as that chemistry between vocalist and band is important. This song overall? Yeah, I’m definitely getting back into these guys because this was fantastic. I love the mic feedback at the end and I’m actually really intrigued to what that leads up to on the album.

#13 – “Hello My Love” – Westlife

Why was this performed on the National Television Awards? Guys, you’re Westlife, you’re a music group. Talking about outrageous trivia, can you believe this, Westlife’s 28th Top 40 hit is literally just three minutes of nothing? It’s insane how popular these guys are yet they can get away with stuff like this when they reform for their first song in nearly a decade.

#9 – “Lost in the Fire” – Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd

The lyrical content on this one sucks. This is “Lost in the Fire”, and there are a few lines that are just really creepy, if anything, and really play up Bella Hadid’s sexuality for what seems like cheap views, because there’s really nothing else these dudes haven’t done that doesn’t sound exactly like this. They didn’t even make cover art, that’s how lazy these guys are. The groove’s semi-decent, I suppose, but there’s little to no build up and I feel like it really doesn’t have much of interest to talk about, which shouldn’t be true for a Weeknd song. The personality of Abel is obvious in other songs and albums, and his portrayal of this character is what makes him so intriguing. So where is he here? Is a Drake diss what the Weeknd would do, or what Abel would do? Now that is the question. Oh, yeah, and the synths here don’t exist. This song is boring as hell.

#7 – “Giant” – Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man

Now, I like Rag ‘n’ Bone Man. Like Ed Sheeran, although I don’t like all – actually, a lot – of his music doesn’t mean I don’t like how genuine he is. He’s a normal, average guy who’s been releasing EPs, found a label and had the break-out hit written for him, so now he’s famous. There’s no nepotism, no cheap industry plant tactics, just pure talent getting him this far, and I respect that. So this sucks so much, like, wow, Rag ‘n’ Bone Man goes way too hard on this basic, lightweight synth-funk-inflected deep house beat. The trumpet drop is so pathetic it would make J Balvin and OMI laugh Harris off as an amateur. That shouldn’t be happening for someone 15 years and nearly 15 #1s into their career. I won’t be too mean on Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, though, he did his best, and he probably didn’t even hear the beat prior. What’s with the chanting at the end, though? That’s just odd.

#4 – “Dancing with a Stranger” – Sam Smith and Normani

So, some finger-snaps, Sam Smith humming seductively, and then that house beat kicks in and we get to pleasure our ears with a nice Sam Smith house track, because we totally need more of his entirely unfitting voice over slick, incredibly well-produced beats. Normani sounds absolutely amazing, and that subtle guitar in this beat is a nice touch, so nice it may just be essential to actually try and enjoy this song, because it’s not like these guys have chemistry (I mean, apart from the obvious reasons they wouldn’t have chemistry, guys, at least pretend this could happen).I guess this is okay, but its existence just tires me. Who wanted another one of these, really?

Conclusion

Since “Blackjack” is not applicable, we have eight to choose from (wow), and Best of the Week should be obvious, as it’s going to Flipp Dinero for “Leave Me Alone”. Yup, that’s right, that song’s a banger and a half. Catfish and the Bottlemen were damn close though, so they do get the Honourable Mention for “Longshot”. Worst of the Week goes to Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd for “Lost in the Fire”. Man, that just reeks of wasted potential. Dishonourable Mention? It could be a toss-up between any one of these guys. Pick your poison. Choose your fighter. See ya!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 2nd December 2018

Finally, we’ve gotten to December – this’ll be a busy month for me considering all the end-of-year lists and such, but it’s also the holiday season, so let’s look at how the charts reflect that jolly spirit? Oh, a new 6ix9ine song? Okay, well, we’ll get to that in a bit. Welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Top 10

Staying at the top for a fourth week today is “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande, which has recently been knocked off in the US by “SICKO MODE”, but it’s still reigning pretty strong here.

The runner-up spot hasn’t shifted either, as “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is still at number-two.

Actually moving this week, however, is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne, up only one space whilst still entering the top 3 at number-three.

Also climbing this week is “Without Me” by Halsey, now at number-four after a two-spot increase.

Unfortunately, this means “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper has suffered, being pushed down two spaces since last week to number-five.

At number-six, after an initial surge due to TikTok and Snapchat, we have Ava Max somewhat proving longevity here with her first ever UK Top 10 hit, up seven spots from last week, “Sweet but Psycho”. Congratulations.

“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo hasn’t moved at number-seven.

“ZEZE” by Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset is actually up two spots to number-eight this week. “Guess we all made for each other”, whatever that means in the context of the song – listen, I reviewed the song in full and any time I’ve heard it since have felt like A-level physics tests, without any equation sheets.

“Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee from the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack is down a spot to number-nine.

Finally, to round off our top 10, Freya Ridings’ “Lost without You” is down a space to #10.

Climbers

Surprisingly on this slow week, we have quite a handful here. George Ezra’s “Hold My Girl” is obviously up eight spaces after the single push to #25, nearby “Baby” by Clean Bandit featuring Marina and Luis Fonsi up six spots to #26 – which will also get the album boost next week. “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes continues to rise ten positions to #27 (and I couldn’t be happier for it), while “I Found You” by benny blanco and Calvin Harris is up 11 spaces, taking me by surprise to #29. I didn’t necessarily think this would catch on that well, but I guess clubs are interested so I’m not going to be complaining – I like the song.

Fallers

Wow, we have much less of these than I expected. I knew it was a slow week but most slow weeks at least come with a lot more fallers than gains, yet we just have a spoonful. “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora gets its streaming cut that takes it down nine or so pegs to #14, while The Greatest Showman hype dies down for P!nk’s “A Million Dreams” and James Arthur and Anne-Marie’s “Rewrite the Stars”, down five and one positions respectively at #16 and #17 – this isn’t happening soon enough, frankly. Since “Back and Forth” by MK, Jonas Blue and Becky Hill couldn’t possibly have a streaming cut, I’m just going to assume it absolutely collapsed this week down a whopping 23 spots to #37. Yikes.

Dropouts

“Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker drops out again from its #36 return last week, while of course “Broken Homes” by Nafe Smallz, M Huncho and Gunna is out from #38 as that type of grime-trap never does all too well unless it’s named after a Cadbury chocolate apparently. “Strip” by Little Mix featuring Sharaya J is also unfortunately out from #25, whilst the hilariously awful “No Stylist” by French Montana featuring Drake is taken with it from #22. “The Greatest Show” covered by Panic! at the Disco is also expectedly out from #39, but otherwise that’s all. Now, let’s get to the bigger story.

Returning Entries

Okay, cool, “Remember Us This Way” by Lady Gaga is back at #39, “Goodbye” by Jason Derulo and David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj and Willy William is back at #40, but the main headline is of course going to be the start of the influx of Christmas music. While I may need to deal with more of this when I potentially change the format next year, we still get enough in the top 40 over December so I apologise for the Returning Entries sections eventually becoming smaller and more monotonous as we go on – naturally by two years we won’t have any returning entries we haven’t talked about, other than special occasions like “Three Lions”, so this December month is pretty much the end of this section and also the start of me attempting to review Christmas music, which is harder than you think. While “Fairytale of New York” is at #66 and “Last Christmas” is at #52, the one that reigns over all, and is currently already at #14 in the US, is this classic.

#34 – “All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey

Well, this is one of the first times on the show I’ve reviewed both Christmas music and one of my favourite songs of all time. There’s something in the joy of those twinking bells and synths, Mariah’s sweet yet powerful delivery and most importantly the freaking sleigh bells, that make me want to involuntarily smile. The lyrics are simplistic yet they’re now just iconic, aren’t they? If you haven’t sung the chorus to this song, and you have a working voice-box, I doubt you’ve lived through even one Christmas. It’s not like the verses are anything to scoff at, either, hell, the bridge is arguably where Mariah really excels, especially with the male choir behind her providing some vocalisation that really has that carol feeling to it, especially with the main reason this song is so fantastic, other than the choirs, other than Mariah Carey being the vocal powerhouse she is (seriously, that final chorus is transcendent), and other than the joyful vibe, those sleigh bells combined with the driving percussion which just give the song such a punch that you need for a Christmas song to work as well as they can when you do them right. Even if Mariah Carey flops for the rest of her career, she’ll always be making bank out of this timeless tune which I hope stays for more than a while during the holiday season. Sadly, I can’t give this Best of the Week, but you’re damn sure I would if I had that choice. Sadly, not all of our Christmas returning entries will be this good over the weeks, although I’m sure this entirely makes up for it.

NEW ARRIVALS

Now you’ve got in that festive mood, how about we kiss under the mistletoe to aggressive trap-rap about gang violence? It’s that time of the year again.

#38 – “KIKA” – 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez

Listen, I don’t want to seem like I enjoy 6ix9ine’s music or defend his actions. He deserves that 25-to-life sentence, he’s an awful human being and most of his music reflects that in every way. If I really had the strength in me, I’d do what I did with “FEFE” and just ignore it completely, instead talking about 6ix9ine’s legal troubles, but this is Tory Lanez’s first ever UK Top 40 (and 6ix9ine’s third) so I don’t want to seem disrespectful to Tory, hell, he’s easily the best part of the song... which, yet again, I hate to admit, I like quite a bit.

The beat here really reminds me of the tropical trap stuff like “ZEZE”, and just like that song, Tory Lanez doesn’t let the melody go any further than a few seconds before he hops in for the hook, which is insanely catchy and I do like the dude’s voice, so he can pull off lines that may seem cliché like “I do my own stunts, Jackie Chan with it” with enough charisma, but then 6ix9ine comes in and just interrupts Tory with some repetitive, mindless bars that reek of “I wrote this in two minutes”, but it’s over quick and we do get a pretty funny reference to Bobby Schmurda’s hat, so we can quickly get to the kick that builds into the great hook again, hell, and in the second verse, after Tekashi steals a Lil Pump line (seriously?) and claims that he’s on some “Ray Charles, John Cena s**t” because he “can’t see the b****”, which is actually hilarious, Tory interrupts 6ix9ine in return with an admittedly funny skit with him replacing “TR3WAY”, a word 6ix9ine cannot legally say anymore despite his catchphrase “it’s f***in’ TR3WAY!”, with other words such as the Trojan brand of condoms, and the American chain Target, before bursting into laughter. Uh, yeah, I’m hesitant but this is a good ‘un, despite its many, many charming flaws – it’s clearly supposed to be funny, so that’s how I’m enjoying it.

Oh, and my friend Prez wanted me to talk about “WAKA” and while I do love A Boogie wit da Hoodie’s singing voice here, with a pretty catchy hook, I’m not sure how I feel about the song in general. The beat has a pretty intense string melody which I can dig, with Boogie actually developing a story which is interesting enough, until 6ix9ine literally shoots the song up, with gunshot and explosion effects that’d make you think he’s Joe Budden, but his part isn’t that awful and it’s insanely short because he’s the feature on his own album for the most part, so, yeah, this is a damn good Boogie song with a few intrusions from the Skittles-man. If we had a version without Tekashi, I’d like it even more.

#20 – “AirForce” – Digdat

Who’s Digdat? Good question. How did his first ever single debut in the top 20? I don’t know, but congratulations, I guess. Since I’ve looked more into British hip-hop, I actually recognised the name but didn’t know much about his particular brand of reggae or pop-infused grime-trap, so I did some research, and yeah he’s pretty okay, albeit a tad boring, so I didn’t expect him to get a hit on his own – and that’s because he didn’t. This song charted because of a remix from much bigger grime duo Krept & Konan, but since that has less streams, we’re talking about the original, and again while I appreciate the dark string-based production and Digdat’s blunt and fast delivery, it’s a bit too generic, I’m sorry. There’s too much bass here that overpowers the actual beat, and the first minute essentially being a bunch of synth-air with producer tags is a bit of an odd choice. The beat is pretty good but the mixing somewhat ruins it, but not enough to be all that noticeable. It just rounds out to a perfect, balanced, “I don’t care”. Hope Digdat gets some more recognition after this, though, the dude has potential.

Conclusion

I don’t feel like I can really give Digdat a Dishonourable Mention or Worst of the Week, but “KIKA” is just clearly so much better, so yeah, Best of the Week goes to Tory Lanez, whilst I don’t think I can really be that mean to DIgdat, so he gets Honourable Mention for “AirForce”. See ya next week, when I’m guessing there will be an influx of Christmas music!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29th April 2018

30/4, Cactus Drive, charts are live! Charts are live!

Top 10

“One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa is somehow still holding steady at #1, without a video. I mean, sure, it has a lyric video, but I refuse to believe this is really succeeding this much. I haven’t heard this song more than once or twice on the radio. I don’t think this’ll last.

We have our first massive top 10 debut, with “No Tears Left to Cry” by Ariana Grande. I’ll say for now that I’m happy this has a shot at the top, but I’ll elaborate later on.

“Nice for What” by Drake appears to have stumbled a spot from last week, now at number-three, and, sadly, I don’t really think this can rebound. There’s something about this song that really isn’t very “hit song” to me.

Nono Nono by No Nono featuring No No fortunately has backed down a space to number-four.

And so as “Paradise” by George Ezra, now down to number-five. Who really cares about that song though?

“Lullaby” by Sigala featuring Paloma Faith somehow moves up a space to number-six, off of... nothing, really. I suppose people gravitate to mediocrity.

Am I happy that “Answerphone” by Banx & Ranx and Ella Eyre featuring Yxng Bane has jumped a whopping 11 spaces to number-seven? No. No, I’m not. Am I mad? Nah, not really. Do I care? See above.

Our second massive debut here is “2002” by Anne-Marie, breaching the top 40 at number-eight. Sadly, this is probably one of the worst songs on her album, Speak Your Mind, but we’ll see how this goes with the album boost next week.

“The Middle” by Zedd and Grey featuring Maren Morris continues to make moves, three positions up to number-nine this week.

We also have the one-spot dip for “Psycho” by Post Malone featuring Ty Dolla $ign to number-ten, which will quickly rebound next week because of the album Beerbongs & Bentleys finally being released.

Climbers

Two of last week’s debuts, “German” by EO and “Like I Do” by David Guetta, Martin Garrix and Brooks, have scaled up six and eight spots to #24 and #32 respectively. One’s trash, one’s treasure, but that’s the only notable thing about the climbers here. There’s only two notable jumps outside of the top 10, so let’s get straight to the falls.

Fallers

There was a damn massacre here with so many undeserving songs being destroyed this week. But I suppose for every “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen falling 10 spaces to #15, we have a “Let Me” by ZAYN dropping 17 spaces to #37 after the debut. Other falls include “God’s Plan” by Drake down six to #23, “Friends” by Marshmello and Anne-Marie and “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man both down 19 to #25 and #27 respectively (yikes!), as well as “Look Alive” by BlocBoy JB featuring Drake (bad week, huh?) down eight to #28, “Be Careful” by Cardi B down 11 to #35, “IDGAF” by Dua Lipa down 10 to #38 and “SAD!” by XXXSPECIALLYTERRIBLEPERSON down 10 to #39, hopefully dropping out next week. The song’s tolerable, but less X on the charts, the better, and I think everyone can agree with that.

Dropouts

As I said, absolute massacre: “What I Wanna” by MoStack from #34, “Sanctify” by Years & Years from #35, “All the Stars” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA from #39 and “Breathe” by Jax Jones featuring Ina Wroldsen from #27.

Nicki Minaj had a particularly bad week: “Chun-Li” from #26 and “Barbie Tingz” from #31.

The Greatest Showman as well, with “A Million Dreams” and “Never Enough” from #33 and #36.

Also, we have a very big milestone here for the UK charts – for the first time in ever, we have NO ED SHEERAN IN THE TOP 40! “Perfect” dropped out from #38, meaning Ginger Satan is no way near the charts... for this week only, I imagine, since the music video for “Happier” just dropped, to my dismay. Let’s enjoy it while we can, I suppose. There’s something else we’ll have to enjoy for this one week, but we’ll get to that in a bit... well, actually, right now.

Returning Entries

“I See You Shining” by Nines returned at #40. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s discuss the tragic death of pioneering and innovative DJ and talented EDM producer Avicii, who committed suicide at the very young age of 28. My heart goes out to his family, friends and fans, but I’ve grieved on Twitter, so right now, we just need to talk about the songs that returned this week, excluding “Hey Brother” because it barely missed the top 40.

#36 – “Levels” and #26 – “Wake Me Up!” (featuring Aloe Blacc) by Avicii

Out of these, “Levels” is definitely my favourite for its beautifully bright synth tones accompanied by neat handclaps and the burst of energy you come to expect from good EDM drops. It’s a simply fun, bouncy dance track that has been in rotation ever since it became big, known for its almost eerie vocal sample of Etta Jones that was later wasted by Flo Rida in his own hit song. No matter how somewhat creepy the isolated vocal sample can feel, the lyrics about getting a good feeling really put you in the mood for a head-bopping party jam. Then all the random synth tones appear and it gets somewhat all-over-the-place, and it’s just fantastic. Despite my preference, I still have to give props to “Wake Me Up!” here, with its vocals from soul singer Aloe Blacc and guitar from Mike Einziger of Incubus of all people, for defining Avicii’s signature folktronica sound, with that quickly-drowned out pumping guitar melody and Blacc’s great crooning over what seems like a simple folk ballad until the handclaps come in and you realise that this isn’t your typical folk song. No, this is an Avicii song, with the iconic synth line in the drop and a pulsing beat that shows how even though Avicii’s music was new, interesting, unique and different, he could still drop the bass as well as a bigger EDM producer like Calvin Harris, David Guetta or Tiesto. Both songs are some of the best modern electronica I’ve heard, and I’m pleased that Avicii’s legacy will live on via his catalogue of greatness. Rest in peace, Tim Bergling.

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 – “Familiar” – Liam Payne featuring J Balvin

As much as I can’t really be bothered with the 1D boys anymore, I’m glad this charted because otherwise, despite it being a busy week, this would have been pretty boring for me. I’ve heard all of these songs before, and I don’t really care for many of them either, so I apologise if my reviews seem rushed. I’ll admit to being a broken record, especially when half of these debuts are from J. Cole, or kiLL Edward or whatever he’s going by these days. Anyway, that doesn’t matter – what do I think of Liam’s follow-up single?

I think it’s hilariously bad. There’s this autotuned mumbling from J Balvin trading vocals with Liam Payne with his Godawfully weak falsetto over this non-descript Latin pop beat. There’s one absolutely awful moment here – J Balvin, drowned in autotune, says “brain” in harmony with Liam’s less-effected voice, so it creates an unlistenable millisecond. Then J Balvin’s rap verse, because of course, where he once again mentions “Mi Gente”, his last hit. A bit desperate there, JB? This is unbearable if you want to take it seriously, but if you don’t, this is hilariously incompetent. I’d recommend this if you want a good laugh.

#30 – “Photograph” – J. Cole

J Cole went platinum with no features, and he’ll probably do it again looking at his album’s numbers... and look, the dude’s a talented MC, he’s great at the mic, and brings some great delivery and flow to the table, but most of the time, his music, especially the production, is really boring. Like, REALLY boring. I gave his most recent album a 3/10 simply because it made me not want to hear J Cole or his pitch-shifted alter-ego speak another damn word again. Is this any different?

Nope! Probably even worse, honestly, as we start with a skittering flat trap beat under J Cole’s “singing” before he starts admittedly decently rapping, despite repeating a lot of his lines – seriously, his first verse is four bars then two shorter verses that are repeated for no reason – and going somewhat off-topic (if there ever was a topic), with a delivery that seems way too infused for such a downbeat instrumental. Even Cole’s second verse is full of rhyming words with themselves and line repetition, before he repeats the second part of his first verse... Jesus, these are the worst bars I’ve heard from this guy probably ever. For someone who is big for being lyrical, this is lazy, uninteresting and most importantly, trash! Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph” is so much better, and yes, I’m endorsing Ed again and I hate myself for it.

#28 – “ATM” – J. Cole

If Cole can copy-paste verses (and songs for that matter...), does that mean I can copy-paste reviews?

After a bunch of spoken vocals from the woman who appears a lot on this album, we have what is assumingly a sample nasally singing for half a minute, until we get to J. Cole once again repeating himself as if he were a broken Tickle-Me-Elmo, with that monotonous “count it up, count it up, count it up, count it” hook over rattling hi-hats and other trap-rap clichés, and subtly autotuned verses, until there’s a complete silence... and the beat doesn’t even change. That’s not how a beat switch either works or is supposed to impress, Cole. Typically, there’s a transition and you know, an actual production alteration. Come on, learn from Kendrick and get James Blake on the phone. I think you need him. Oh, yeah, after this beat “switch”, he also discusses abortion right before saying his Rolex is scorching, because consistency in the verse’s topics don’t exist, apparently. Once again, I get the appeal, but I don’t want to bore myself anymore. Thankfully, J. Cole debuted another track which I actually quite like.

#17 – “KOD” – J. Cole

This is the title track from his latest album, which is fitting because it encompasses what J. Cole does throughout the album – repeat himself over trap beats. However, this time, Cole repeats himself over trap beats incredibly well, with straightforward spitting and a really catchy hook that ends up just being a slightly flawed trap banger. The second verse repeating itself a lot was a bit unnecessary, and the brief racist slur was... questionable, but he definitely had good intentions there, I think. No matter what he’s doing, Cole succeeded once in this album to make a song that bumps without being boring or even having deeper subject matter. It’s just a great, fun song – the only one we’re getting from Cole this week. Oh, yeah, and the female vocals come back on the outro with kiLL Edward for some kind of weird interlude thing on the album. I’m not complaining, just questioning.

#8 – “2002” – Anne-Marie

Boring pop singer with Caribbean inflections shoehorns references from some of the 1990s’ and 2000s’ biggest pop songs (none of which came out in 2002, by the way) to write a somewhat cringeworthy chorus, with nothing else of note in the verses or instrumental. Do I really need to say anything else? I mean, there’s awkward guitar loops, trap hi-hats, ugly synth tones and fake handclaps as producer Steve Mac’s pathetic excuse for a beat, I suppose... but yeah, this is nothing more than a short interlude on a mediocre album, that probably should not have been released as a single. Like the album, the only real comment I have on this is that it exists, and my life would not change if it didn’t.

#2 – “No Tears Left to Cry” – Ariana Grande

The lyrics here are pretty vague, and I’m not really a fan of the initial effects on her voice, but yeah, this picks up with a funky synth melody and a fast seemingly ‘90s dance-influenced drum pattern, while Grande doesn’t bother enunciating yet somehow still performs fantastically, even on the hook which has much less variation from the verses for my taste, yet is still decent, and the choruses after the first definitely try to improve that with some extra synth noise, but for now, I think I’ll continue to like this for pretty much no reason other than how great the instrumental is on the verse and how much I love Grande’s vocal performance here. I’m indifferent otherwise, and I have no real comment on this. It’s still good, though, I’m not sure entirely what to think of it or its longevity. Sorry for this review being a bit scattered but I’m kind of conflicted here. In fact, I’m sort of confused. Let’s just say that this is decent and move on before I get an aneurysm.

Conclusion

I really want to give Avicii Best of the Week and Honourable Mention, but that’s not how this show works so I guess it goes to J. Cole for “KOD”, with Honourable Mention going to Ariana Grande’s “No Tears Left to Cry”. The Dishonourable Mention is probably “Familiar” by Liam Payne and J Balvin, which is entertaining in its lack of quality enough for me to rank it above the Worst of the Week, “Photograph” by J. Cole. What do I predict? Hopefully Janelle Monáe, probably Post Malone. Hopefully Green Day fans can get “American Idiot” to return in time for Trump’s UK visit, probably they’ll fail miserably. We’ll see next week. Goodbye!