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xandriagreat · 1 year ago

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Teaching and Learning with The Paw | chapter 2: Granny Gumbo

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Author's note: This story is ALIVE! Sorry that it's been so long. Writer's block… but anyway, story! Also, a hug thank you to @vanessafangirl13 for helping me with this chapter and to let you all know that the names of Diane’s parents is something that we both chose.

Notice/Warnings: weapons, anger, sad past, good ending

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Governor Moe Wolf drove to the hideout of the Paw with his team/friends.

The hideout is in the abandoned part of the city.

He parked his car and got out of his car before they went inside by the garage door.

They looked around at the almost empty house.

There were a few boxes that were filled with the treasures that Diane had stolen over the years and there were some folded cardboard boxes.

The only things that weren’t packed were things behind a locked bedroom door.

Lou picked up the folded cardboard boxes and carried them as the five went to unlock the door.

“You still got your lockpicks?” Herbert asked, looking at Moe.

“You know that I do.” the wolf answered, taking out lockpicks. He started to pick the lock and got the door opened, turning the lights on.

They entered the room and looked around in curiosity.

The room looked ordinary. It felt it was fit for what a child would think a princess bed room would be but it also had a punk rock feel.

The walls were painted a crimson red golden lining, and the carpet was black.

A metal bed frame with white and black sheets over the mattress. There were pick and yellow pillowcases on her bed along with an orange comforter over the bed.

Up against the wall on the left side of the bed was an old-fashioned drawer. There was a chair in the cournor that faced the bed. A desk against the wall and a medium sized window above it.

There were a few photos, some rock and roll posters, and some ninja posters on the wall.

There was an old TV with VHS and DVD player on top of a TV stand. On the lower shelf of the TV stand was a CD player, some CDs and DVDs.

“Wow.” all five of The Bad Guys breathed as they looked around.

“Strange.” Stefaine said under her breath as she looked at her phone.

"What's wrong?" Lou asked, looking at her on his shoulder.

“These things aren’t on the stolen list.” Stefaine said, looking up to look at everyone, who were looking at her confused. “Look.”

She showed them her phone to show the list.

The things in the room weren’t on the list.

“That is strange.” Herbert said before shrugging. “But we should still get things packed.”

Everyone nodded as they got some of the folded cardboard boxes unfolded and taped.

Before they started packing, Moe looked at the photos on the walls.

“Hey, guys. Look at this.” the wolf said, pointing at the photos.

The team looked at the photos.

There were a few photos of a young fox and her parents. One of the photos was of the same young fox and an alligator. Another was the same young fox with a young bunny rabbit.

The young fox looked like Diane.

“Hey, the little fox looks like Diane!” Pepe exclaimed, pointing at the photos. “That’s probably Diane.” Lou said, looking at him.

Then they heard the clicking sound of a shotgun behind them. All five turned around and saw an old female alligator, who was holding a shotgun.

“You all have a lot of explaining to do to be here in the Foxington residence, trespassers.” the alligator growled at them.

☆◇

The Bad Guys were sitting on the bed and looked in fear at the old female alligator who was sitting in the chair across the bed.

The alligator was wearing an off white button up shirt, brown overalls, black boots, and a dark green sunhat.

“I’m not into politics but why is the governor of LA and his team here?” the alligator asked in a stern tone, glaring at them as she still held the shotgun. “Why are you five in my god daughter’s home?”

The Bad Guys looked at the wolf as if he could explain. “Um… well, we’re like friends of Diane’s. And she literally gave directions to this place so we could give everything that she had stolen back to the places she stole.” Moe explained, looking at the alligator again.

The alligator glared at him and pointed the shotgun at him. “I don’t believe you, mutt dog.” she growled at him. “Unless you have evidence.”

The fear in Moe’s eyes became a glared look. “Don’t call me that.” he said, a serious look on his face. “Also, we do have evidence.”

The alligator lowered her gun and placed it on her lap. The alligator ignored him as she looked at the others and asked, “Is he tellin' the truth?”

The others nodded.

"Show me." she ordered, stretching her clawed hand out to them.

Moe was about to get the map, that Diane gave him at the gala, from his suit jacket but Herbert stopped him. “Wait. Let’s make a deal first.” the snake said, looking at his friends before looking at the alligator.

“What is the deal?” the alligator asked, a growl in her voice as she pulled her hand back.

Herbert looked at her, his eyes cold, as he said, “We show evidence if you answer some questions that we have about Diane. Also, if we don’t get shot by your shotgun, we don’t need to file a report on you. As far as I can tell, your shotgun is old fashioned and not a lot of places can sell that. So…” Then Herbert shrugged with a bit of a smug look on his face. “Do we have an agreement?”

The gang watched the alligator, who was thinking if it was a good deal or not. “We do.” the gator said, nodding. Then she stretched her claw hand out again and Moe got the map out as the rest of the gang sigh in relief.

The alligator snatched it from him and looked at it. Then she got a piece of paper from her pocket and looked at both papers, comparing the two.

The silence was a bit awkward for a while until Stefaine spoke up, “So… you must be Granny Gumbo. Right?”

The alligator stopped comparing the two papers and looked at Stefanie. “I am known by that name in my small town in the woods.” The alligator replied. “My actual name is Gretel Nyx Gumbo, but a lot of people call me Granny Gumbo for I’m one of the living elders of the town.”

Stefanie hummed and nodded with the others.

Granny Gumbo gave the map back to Moe. “I see that you were tellin’ the truth.” the alligator said as she put the piece of paper back in her pocket.

The Bad Guys sighed in relief.

"You all probably have some questions, since you mentioned it in the deal." Granny Gumbo said, placing the shotgun next to her seat. "You can ask questions. Just don't ask about the Lost Girls. I only met them a few times."

The Bad Guys nodded in understanding.

“I have a question!” Pepe said, raising his fin.

Granny Gumbo nodded to him. “Go ahead.”

“So… is all the stuff in this room stolen or was the stuff here before?” the piranha asked, pointing at the tv.

Granny Gumbo looked at the room before looking at Pepe. “The stuff has been here before Diane became The Paw. This is Diane’s childhood room. Actually, this house is her childhood home, the place where she grew up.” she replied, smiling a bit.

Pepe was in awe as he looked around the room as the rest of the gang hummed, figuring that Granny Gumbo was done with the question.

Moe raised his hand to ask the next question. Granny Gumbo noticed his hand and nodded to him to let him speak. “So, um… How do you know Diane?” Moe asked.

Granny looked at him for a moment before answering, “Owen and Margaret Foxington, Diane’s parents, used to have a summer home long before she came along. They were like my neighbors during the summer time. We didn’t get to know each other a lot until Diane came along and was at the age of three years old. That little fox was very curious about me. So curious that she walked over to me while I was resting in the sun. I was surprised to see her by me.”

Then pointed at the photo of the little fox and alligator on the wall. “See that photo there? That’s me and Diane on the last summer before that horrible day happened.”

The Bad Guys were shocked and confused by this. “What do you mean?” Stefaine asked the question.

Granny looked at the five and asked, “Do you five know about The Nevergreen Camps?”

Herbert, Moe, Lou, and Stefaine were shocked while Pepe was confused. “I don’t.” Pepe said, looking at his friends. “What is that? Or what was it?”

Everyone in the room was quiet for a moment. “Remember what happened during the second world war?” Herbert asked, looking at Pepe.

The piranha nodded. “Yeah. I learned what happened. It was another big war and a lot of lives were lost. And those scary camps… What does that have to do with The Nevergreen Camps?”

“It’s similar to the camps but it’s more for predators and it was a bit more recent.” Granny Gumbo answered.

Pepe’s eyes widened. “How recent?”

“22 years ago.” Granny Gumbo said, a sound of a bit of sadness in her voice. “She was only eight years old at the time. She was ten years old when it was over.”

Pepe was in shock with everyone else while Granny Gumbo shrugged before continuing, “Anyway, with that aside. The number on her back is branding like on cattle or prisoner numbers way back in the day…”

The Bad Guys nodded, still in shock.

Granny Gumbo sighed, taking her hat off and rubbing her head with her free hand. “Do you all have any more questions?” she asked, putting her hat back on.

Pepe raised his hand again and asked, “Who was in charge of the Nevergreen?”

Granny looked at the piranha and shrugged. “It… depends on who you see is at fault.” she explained, looking at him.

“What do you mean?” four of the Bad Guys asked in confusion, not seeing the one ask becoming red.

“It was Everett Evergreen!” Herbert shouted angrily, getting up from his seat. “He was the one who wanted predators locked away and turned into animal products!”

Granny Gumbo got up from her seat and looked down at Herbert. “I know.” she growled, a dangerous look in her eye. “But he wasn’t the only one at fault.”

Moe carefully grabbed Herbert by the neck and pulled him back to his seat when it looked like Granny was about to step to him. But instead she walked to the desk as she added, “Everyone thought that it was James Wonder, the owner of the Wonder farms at the time, after giving Everett one of the farmlands.”

Granny Gumbo went back to her seat with an old newspaper. “There’s a reason why they lost that part of farmland.” she said as she sat down. Then Granny Gumbo cleared her throat before she continued, “James Wonder, the owner at the time, was struggling with that farmland. He wanted to plant crops and trees for the business but nothing was growing. That’s when Everett Evergreen came into the picture and offered a deal with him.”

The Bad Guys got interested in this. “What was the deal?” they asked, their eyes wide.

“The deal was if James gives Everett that part of land, Everett would give money to him after selling products that he would be using.” Granny Gumbo said, looking at them. “Everett didn’t tell James what it was and James didn’t mind until two years after the deal. That’s when Abby, his youngest child, went missing around Easter time. That’s when the truth came out.”

Then Granny Gumbo gave Moe the newspapers and The Bad Guys looked at it.

A Two Year Agreement Broken

James Wonder and the rest of the Wonder Family found out what product that Everett Evergreen was using after finding Abby Wonder, the youngest of the Wonder Family, in a gas room with a young fox.

The gas room was on the grounds of a dangerous campsite that used to be one of the old Wonder farms before Evergreen took over it.

It turns out that it was similar to what happened in World War 2, a dangerous camp just for predators.

After finding out and getting the survivors' help, James shut it down and the camps were destroyed.

No one knows where Everett Evergreen is.

The Bad Guys looked at Granny Gumbo, who looked lost in a bad memory for a moment. “It was the biggest and scariest thing in history.” Granny Gumbo said when she came back to the present. “Thankfully she survived the horrors of that place with the other survivors.”

“Yeah…” Herbert said, nodding slowly.

The Bad Guys were processing what they learned.

Then their attention went to Granny Gumbo when she hummed. “Are there any more questions? Or are we done?” she asked, looking at them.

The gang looked at each other before Lou raised his fin. “I have one question.”

“Go ahead.” the gator said, nodding to him.

“Is the Nevergreens Camps the reason that Diane has those scar burn marks?” the shark asked, rubbing his lower back a reference. “The ones on her lower back.”

Granny Gumbo was quiet before nodding. “Yes… She got the burn numbers from there… All of the predators that were there got different burn numbers.”

Then the gator sighed and got up from her seat as The gang also got up from their seats.

As Granny Gumbo got her shotgun, she looked at the five. “Oh, thank you five for helping Diane.” she said, smiling a bit as she walked out the room.

The Bad Guys were surprised.

“How did you know?” Pepe asked, his eyes wide as he and the gang followed her.

Granny Gumbo turned around to look at the five before leaving. “I figured that you five were the ones who helped her. Since she doesn’t let a lot of people help her and by the looks of it, she trusts you five.” Granny said, smiling softly.

The Bad Guys looked at each other, smiling a bit with the same thought going through their heads, ‘Diane trusts us.’

The five started a huddle, talking about something before Granny Gumbo left.

The alligator looked at them with a confused look.

The Bad Guys finished talking and broke the huddle, looking at the alligator.

“We trust you and we want to help.” Moe said as the gang nodded. “With investigating the camps.”

Granny Gumbo nodded and hummed, “That’s very brave of the five of you. But I suggest not going in head first of this investigation.”

“Then what should we do first?” Stefaine asked.

“I suggest that you five see Abby Wonder.” Granny said, opening the door to the garage. “Also, don’t overwork yourselves with this and your other lifes. Your bodies will thank you.”

Then Granny Gumbo left, leaving The Bad Guys by themselves, packed boxes, and their thoughts.

“Hey, Webs.” Moe said, getting the gang’s attention. “Get an appointment with Abby Wonder, please. We got to know what happened.”

The gang nodded and the five left the place, turning off the lights and locking up the place before leaving.

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angelicgentleman · 10 months ago

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“ ❤️ to give my muse a box of chocolates. ” From ;; — LOVE IS IN THE AIR! [ From Herbert (Platonic) ]

Philip never really celebrated valentines, because he didn't have a reason to, or a person to celebrate it with. He only got cruel, joking cards in the school's Valentine's mail, even though he would also send a few compliments through it. Pip kept all the cards, thinking it was still better than nothing. There was only one that was minimally nice, and he cherished it since the day he received it.

Still, he didn't hate valentines, he just never really considered it a holiday for him. This year was different. He wasn't lonely any more, because Pocket was there. Sometimes he still couldn't believe that he was lucky enough to have him, and even luckier to have a second chance at their friendship. Herbert had always been his best friend, and Pip appreciated every minute spent together. Well then, is there a better day to show it than today? Probably not!

They planned a little bit of tea for the day; their usual go-to, although Pip figured they could change the blend from regular Earl Grey to something more occasional, and he had just the perfect tea for it. When Pocket arrived at his place, the tea was already done, waiting for them to sit down and enjoy it. It was a blend of black tea and some flower petals in it, together with dried fruits. A bit more experimental, but it wasn't a bad thing to try something new.

When Herbert arrived, it only took a second for Pip to open the door and invite him inside. They visited one another so often, that it was almost as if they were roommates again. Philip was very fond of those times.

"Good morning, Herbert." there's a soft hum as he offers to take his jacket, and he invites him further into the house. "I've prepared tea for us, of course, I'm quite chuffed to try it."

There's a moment of silence after this as Pip gathers the words necessary to express his thoughts. There was a lot he felt about their friendship, and while he was sure Pocket was aware of most of it, he still wanted to express it. He took the friendship for granted once, and while they reunited without any issues, he still didn't want to make that mistake again. So, together with the tea, he prepared a small tin can of freshly baked biscuits. Pip went the extra mile to find that one bunny-shaped cookie cutter. It was meant for Easter baking, but he thought it would be just perfect for that occasion. He also tied a red bow around the can, just because he could. As they walked to the living room where the tea was waiting, Pip was swift enough to snatch the can on his way without his friend noticing.

Once in the living room, he hid the gift behind his back and turned to face his best friend, a bright smile present on his face.

"Since it's a bit of a special day, mate, I just wanted to express how much reuniting with you means to me. You've been my best friend for most of my life now, and I don't regret a day of it." Well, he wasn't as good with words as he wished to be, but Herbert was likely to understand what he meant to say anyway. "You're my forever friend."

With that, he pulled the can of cookies from behind his back, but when he looked at Pocket again, he was mirroring the motion; except he was holding a box of chocolates in his hand. There's a moment of silence as they stare at each other, but Pip soon laughs, moving the can toward his friend.

#emptypassicn #verse: angel with no halo #musing: I dare say we shall be often together #//did I get carried away? a litttle #//sorry Hound

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ace-robot-has-matcha · 1 year ago

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Bunny Herbert and the Fox

This horror short is animated with watercolor storybook-style stills, with little movement between them.

(Open to an idyllic autumn scene; a lush, sunny clearing. Sunbeams peek between the trees, birds are chirping, and colorful wildflowers litter the bright forest floor. Sitting on a large checkered picnic blanket is a prototypical nuclear middle-class family: a father, a mother, and a little boy. The parents watch lovingly as the child plays with a brown stuffed rabbit. This is HERBERT, the protagonist of the story. The family doesn’t really matter.)

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, Herbert lived with Timmy and his wonderful family. Herbert and Timmy went on so many adventures in the Great Woods.

(Another painting shows the family beginning to pack up their picnicking gear. In the background, the HUNTER can be seen, watching the family neutrally. Young Timmy hurries off top wards the car, leaving Herbert behind.)

NARRATOR: But one day…

(Zoom on Herbert’s silly bunny face)

NARRATOR: Herbert was left behind.

(Birds eye shot of HERBERT standing upright and looking up with blue button eyes at the mass of tangled trees surrounding him. The forest is less inviting now, and dusk is fast approaching.)

NARRATOR: Herbert was now lost in the Great Woods. A little rabbit like him had no hope of traveling back home on his own. And in the middle of the woods, there was no guarantee that someone would find him. But little Herbert wandered off anyway, hoping to find something—a path, or the road—that would lead him back home.

(Herbert has reached an even darker corner of the woods. Night has fallen, and anything could be lurking in the shadows. This could certainly mean trouble for a plushie like him, and it is about to. HERBERT looks down curiously at something out of frame.)

NARRATOR: After wandering for quite some time, it began to get very dark. But Herbert still wanted to look for help.

(Camera slowly pans over to a patch of orange fur. THE FOX is on its side, its head facing Herbert. Not much of it is easily in view, although perhaps there is a little blood pooling under it. More foreboding music begins to play. )

NARRATOR: Herbert came across a large, fuzzy-looking creature. Perhaps it's another stuffed toy, he thought to himself. This made him glad, for perhaps the toy could help him find his way.

(SFX indicate that Herbert is stepping closer to the fox.)

N: Hello?

(Transition to a close shot of THE FOX’s head. Its eyes are closed, its jaws slightly open. A little blood is stained around the creature’s mouth. Herbert’s paw reaches over to touch the corpse. Suddenly, the FOX’s eyes open, revealing empty black sockets. The echoing sound of a fox call can be heard.)

(Transition to a shot of Herbert on the ground, clearly startled and taken aback.)

NARRATOR: Herbert blinked, and the creature’s eyes were closed again. It was merely a trick of the light, or possibly Herbert’s imagination. He soon pushed it from his mind.

(Wide birds eye shot of the forest, now at night. Herbert is barely visible.)

N: Herbert was getting tired. Normally at this time he’d be in Timmy’s bed, sleeping by his side. In the Great Woods, it was cold and damp. It was getting very late. But Herbert did not want to sleep near this strange creature. So he walked a little ways more until he found a place to rest.

(Fade to black. SFX of heavy footsteps crunching under leaves, those that must be a human. Maybe even a sound playing of the guy humming or something, idk.)

NARRATOR (over a black screen): When Herbert awoke, he felt…

(Shot of HERBERT flopped over on his side, the forest floor underneath him. His improbable eyebrows are furrowed. He looks concerned, maybe even in pain.)

N:…Unwell.

(Quick flash to an image of THE FOX, showing its torn-open abdomen, the cavity of it revealing white ribs, rotting flesh and a multitude of crawling bugs.)

(Shot of HERBERT standing up and brushing himself off. He is somewhat dirtier from trekking through the forest, but otherwise all right.)

NARRATOR: But he continued on. He had to find his way home, after all. Still, all the while Herbert felt a writhing in his stomach.

(Short fade to black. Sound of footsteps indicating that he is walking off.)

(Shot of HERBERT in the woods with his head turned away from the camera. He’s staring at a few SQUIRRELS up ahead, playfully carrying nuts down from the trees.)

NARRATOR: Herbert had never paid much attention to the animals in the Great Woods. But now, as he observed them, Herbert became aware of a strong desire to get close to one, and to touch one.

(HERBERT steps towards the squirrels, climbing over roots to get to them. With a terrified squeak, the squirrels drop their nuts and scamper up a nearby tree. Shot of Herbert’s face, looking confused and disappointed. A small seam has torn on his paw.)

N: Oh.

(Shot of Herbert continuing through the woods.)

NARRATOR: The more Herbert stayed here, the more he thought it a marvellous idea to live here for good. There was so much to find and discover and play with. The more Herbert thought, the more he believed that he could handle himself quite well in the Great Woods. But he might want to find a place to make his home, something like a hole or a stump. Yes, that would be quite cozy.

(A worm drops out from the tear in his arm. Herbert looks down at it, surprised and vaguely horrified.)

NARRATOR: But then he remembered that he had quite a nice home with Timmy. This home had a lovely bed and a beautiful kitchen and a little boy Herbert missed terribly. There were other toys as well, to play and talk to. He reminded himself that he needed to go home.

(Fade to black.)

(Open to a shot of a distinctly different perspective: the forest floor is not so close. We see a HUNTER moving carefully through the leaves, a gun strapped across his backpack. There’s no sign of fear or nervousness about him; it's clear he’s hunted before. SFX of his footsteps crunching against the leaves.)

(Switch to HERBERT, whose head whips around at the approaching noise. A heartbeat sound begins to play, quiet at first but slowly increasing in volume. Which is weird, because Herbert shouldn’t have a heart…?)

N: Something’s coming!

(Switch back to the HUNTER, who does not have a care. He continues to walk through the forest. Herbert is not in view, not yet. The heartbeat sound continues to play. Something catches the hunter’s eye on the ground.)

HUNTER: What’s this?

(Closeup shot of HERBERT from behind, heart still pounding. He is now lying on the ground, Andy’s-coming style. Shot slowly zooms in.)

(Possibly fully animated? The HUNTER bends over and reaches his hand towards Herbert’s head. More intense music and louder heartbeat until—)

(Fast transition to the HUNTER’s hand, flexed in pain. HERBERT’s mouth (mouth? His mouth can open??) is clamped over his hand, in the spot between the thumb and the other fingers. Herbert is clearly enraged. Blood is spurting from the point of the bite. A centipede skitters out from Herbert’s mouth and across the man’s hand. After a moment, the HUNTER begins screaming in pain and horror.)

NARRATOR: The man began to shake his hand back and forth, attempting to shake Herbert off of him. Herbert only bit harder. Drops of blood flew everywhere. The man shook harder, and Herbert bit down more, until—

(Rip)

(Hard cut to black. Maybe you can hear the HUNTER moaning in pain.)

(Slow fade to the woods at night. Herbert is only a silhouette in the shadows. The full moon casts its light from behind him. His stance is lopsided, ears drooping over his face.)

NARRATOR: After a long journey, Herbert finally found what he was looking for.

(Shot of HERBERT’s feet as he walks across the forest floor. Maybe there’s some tiny drops of dried blood visible on his legs. Various bugs are dropping in a trail behind him.)

(Shot of Herbert from behind his head, as he sees up ahead what he’s been looking for: the body of the FOX.)

(Hard cut to HERBERT’s mouth and chest, which is heavily stained with blood. Very slowly move up to Herbert’s eyes, which are not buttons but the round, wet amber eyes of a fox.)

(Herbert has reached the fox, and is now facing the hole in its torso. He leans down and pushes open the flesh, until he can crawl inside. Disgusting horrible flesh sounds obviously. )

NARRATOR: Finally, Herbert had found his home.

(Large birds eye of the night forest, slowly zooming out as the NARRATOR speaks his final line.)

N: He would rest here for a long while.

#horror #horror story #horror short #short story #animated short #animated short idea #my writing #horror writing #writers on tumblr #gore #dead animal #animal death #decay

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thefisherqueen · 5 months ago

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@julienbakerstreet I'm always down for going insane over victorian literature! xD Anyway, I found this excellent article on how Raffles challenges Victorian masculine ideals, and of course it taps into Sherlock Holmes as well. I was immediately reminded of your post. Quote:

Throughout the Raffles series, Hornung uses the rhetoric of English aestheticism to connect Raffles to a sexually deviant discourse inside of British masculinity—one that is associated with homoeroticism and anti-domesticity. Raffles’s “complex composition,” however, blends this rhetoric of English aestheticism with “the athlete of the first water” and is part of a developing representation of British masculinity in the popular culture of the fin de siècle, a new style. Similar to Holmes’s eccentric genius, the appeal of Raffles is based almost wholly on this superior style. Both George Orwell and Larance point out how central Raffles’s masculine style is to his “character.” In “Raffles and Miss Blandish” (Horizon, October 1944), Orwell connects style to cricket and cricket to Englishness, which turns Raffles into a national symbol for the “tendency to value ‘form’ or ‘style’ more highly than success.” Larance’s study of cricket in Raffles, however, leads him even further: “Raffles’s ‘style’ is by far his most revealing character trait and arguably his most authentically ‘gentlemanly’ quality, a quality suspiciously close to aesthetic Decadence.” But how is Raffles’s masculine “style” created at the intersection between violence and “a quality suspiciously close to aesthetic Decadence”?

Style, in the Raffles stories, is tantamount to masculine value. Through suave style, a perfectly polished gendered performance, Raffles and Bunny maintain masculine worth even if they are outside Victorian moral manliness. Their particularly stylized crime allows Raffles and Bunny to stay firmly inside a completely homosocial value system, though the latter remains a mealy mouth for moral manliness. While they will not become roommates until the final collection of stories, The Black Mask (1901), the relationship between Raffles and Bunny echoes other male-male enclosures: Pip and Herbert Pocket in Great Expectations (1861), Eugene and Mortimer in Our Mutual Friend (1865), Holly and Leo in She (1887), and of course the early years of Holmes and Watson. There is one significant difference: neither Raffles nor Bunny ever leaves the all-male economy for marriage. As Dellamora and Eve Sedgwick have noted, male power, though rooted in homosocial institutions, “public schools, the older universities, the clubs, and the professions,” was solidified in heterosexual marriage. Ideally, intense male relationships were sacrificed to domesticity because the ideal male relationships were meant to train men how to be husbands. Whether it is Lord Tennyson in his love for Arthur Henry Hallam or Pip’s and Herbert’s joint maturation from men-about-town to sturdy British capitalists, they must be men among men before they can be husbands and fathers. The arc of the Raffles stories rewrites that classic Victorian narrative. If David Copperfield had moved in with Steerforth, one would have Bunny and Raffles. It is their rejection of domesticity that makes Raffles and Bunny, in Orwell’s words, “outcasts.” Crime is only a plot device that allows the antiheroes to indulge in this perpetual romance and its homosocial value system.

In “The Ides of March” Bunny is, more or less, tricked into crime and the anti-domestic life of romance. After claiming he will do anything for a pal and anything to avoid class banishment, he assumes that Raffles is going to secure him yet another loan. It is only in the midst of the robbery that Bunny is able to acknowledge what he is actually doing: stealing from a Bond Street jeweler. During the robbery Hornung dramatizes these two modes of masculinity: Bunny’s Victorian manliness and Raffles’s fin-de-siècle aestheticism. Bunny’s attitude reflects the Victorian ideal of moral manliness: “I’ve gone to the devil anyhow” is a constant refrain of his. Raffles, on the other hand, takes a stance toward crime deeply infused with the aesthetics of pleasure. For after the robbery, he is chattering on about John Keats and the pleasures of the fireside as he unloads his pockets bulging with diamonds.

Bunny stands by expecting to hate him: “My blood froze. My heart sickened. My brain whirled.”Because Bunny’s adoration of Raffles’s masculine style should be connected to Raffles’s moral self, he waits for the moral repulsion he feels for himself to translate into his feelings for Raffles. “How I had liked this villain!” Bunny exclaims. “Now my liking and admiration must turn to loathing and disgust. I waited for the change. I long ed to feel it in my heart. But—I longed and waited in vain!” The union of morality and manliness is a central code of Victorian masculinity—Carlyle’s Heroes and Hero Worship (1841) created a moral theory and a philosophy of history from it. Bunny’s experience of Raffles confuses his sense of heroes and hero worship. Bunny is seduced not by money or easy living, so much as by Raffles’s masculine style. “Why should I work when I can steal?” Raffles asks at the beginning of one of his many monologues on the aesthetics of crime and its benefits. “Why settle down to some humdrum uncongenial billet, when excitement, romance, danger and a decent living were all going begging together.… we can’t all be moralists.”

To Raffles’s mind, there is a stark choice between domesticity, the “humdrum uncongenial billet,” and the perpetual romance afforded by crime. The practical reality of Raffles’s and Bunny’s criminal life is to create a life of “excitement, romance, [and] danger” inside a homosocial value system. There is, however, still a problem, and it is one of style. As Sedgwick puts it, “having managed to evade the great cult of the family, and, with it, much of the enfolding machinery of his class and time … [the middle-class gentleman] seems not to have had easy access to the alternative subculture, the stylized discourse, or the sense of immunity of the aristocratic/bohemian sexual minority.” Raffles and Bunny, like Holmes and Watson before them, are creating just that: a “stylized discourse” that justifies the economy of homosocial bonds (public school in this case) over the “great cult of the family” that Sedgwick, Mary Poovey, and Nancy Armstrong are correct in seeing as the dominant ideological mechanism of the nineteenth century. In Holmes and in Raffles this “stylized discourse” is an aesthetic of adventure and violence. As we shall see, Hornung’s Raffles dramatizes the discourse of aesthetic individualism in Wilde’s “Soul of Man under Socialism” (1891) and the rhetoric of the interval in the “Conclusion” to Walter Pater’s The Renaissance (1873) in order to create key elements of romance masculinity’s enduring style.

i’m never not thinking about sherlock holmes and aj raffles as narrative mirrors

holmes is a bohemian, an unconventional man who is shown to struggle with mental health and addiction. he is fairly explicitly neurodivergent despite being written before that concept existed. in many ways, he doesn’t live up to the standard of a victorian gentleman; he’s a perpetual bachelor who is uncomfortable in many social situations and is described by watson as having a sensitive nature. his relationship with scotland yard and the law is often uneasy; early in his career the police frequently belittle him and his methods. he has to work to overcome the fact that he is perceived as a deeply odd person. scotland yard puts up with him because he gets results until he eventually earns their respect.

raffles, on the other hand, is a criminal who hides behind his respectability and social standing. he’s charming, handsome, and charismatic. he dresses in full gentleman’s evening wear to commit crime, allowing him to pass by policemen without arousing suspicion. he’s a well known cricketer from a privileged public school background who excels at playing the role of a society gentleman. this allows him to avoid suspicion despite being very unsubtle. the biggest advantage raffles and bunny have is a social position that shields them from suspicion.

although holmes is a gentleman from a similarly privileged background, when he’s in situations with men of comparable social standing this privilege is somewhat negated by how at odds his personality is with societal convention. while holmes is certainly a good enough actor to mask his quirks- and thus receive kinder treatment and more respect- he chooses not to.

the quality of holmes' work compensates for his eccentricity, whereas raffles relies on being perceived as a model of respectable society to conceal the criminal nature of his work.

a queer reading of holmes and raffles reinforces this dichotomy: a queer holmes who refuses to so much as put on a pretense of victorian heterosexual masculinity, openly proclaims a disinterest in women, and leads a bohemian lifestyle would have been at more risk of suspicion than a queer raffles, who- while also a bachelor- has a public persona that is enmeshed with hetero-masculine institutions like athletics and clubs. his bachelorhood lends itself to a society playboy interpretation in a way that holmes’ does not.

reading holmes as queer makes his very nature criminal, even as he works as a detective. he is only able to atone socially for his perceived aberrance by acting as an agent of the law that condemns people like him. raffles is able to embrace crime and the criminal aspect of his own nature because on the surface he fits so well into social norms in a way that holmes doesn’t. there’s just such a rich contrast in the way holmes and raffles each engage in respectability politics and how it impacts the way they’re perceived.

#raffles #letters from bunny #sherlock holmes #victorian #history #literary analysis #masculinity #queer history #gender

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armorabs · 4 years ago

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ok its very funny that the spongebob wiki is trying to combine the names of herb & cecil and margie & bunny as if theyre not 4 separate characters - and are all definitely going to need 4 different pages because you KNOW theyre gonna be radically different - but theyre doing it wrong

god if herb and cecil were the same character with a full name containing those two names wouldnt it make more sense for his full name to be cecil herbert star and not herbert cecil star. cecil is just not a middle name! likewise, margie - short for various forms of margaret - is more of a middle name than bunny is. so bunny margaret star makes more sense than margaret bunny star

anyways im sticking to the theory that the patrick in spongebob squarepants and the patrick in the patrick show are two different, but related, characters

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fluffybunnyartist · 5 years ago

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hello! i saw someone else with a similar request, and I vibed with it and wanted to ask the same thing with different characters, if that's alright? thomas hewitt, herbert, and norman with an s/o that is insecure about a kinda chubby stomach and large breasts? if not, that's okay, but figured I'd ask! thank you 💜

You're good. Let's all fucking vibe together!

THOMAS HEWITT

He notices right away. Hes been insecure about himself before so he can pick up the signs easily.

He coddles you. And smothers you with attention. He knows what it likes to feel ugly and not wanted. He wants to give you everything he couldn't have or didn't get.

He understands it wont be overnight but he helps as much as possible. He even just swoops you up and places you on his knee or lap. See Y/N? You're not heavy! You're so light and cute! Like a bunny!

Hoyt or Monty if they say anything Luda Mae is gonna whoop they asses then Tommy's gonna take a turn.

HERBERT WEST

He doesn't understand and doesn't really care at first. "Why do you care and why would you think I care about your weight?"

A little douchy but hes more logic orver emotions anyways. If he sees it's really bothering you (which might take awhile) he'll sit you down and let you know he loves you no matter your weight and that you look good.

After that he might be a little more gentler with you especially during sex. He'll be more attentive towards your needs.

He notices faster next time. He'll notice how you're clothes are getting baggier and you're shying away from touch. "You know I think you're really beautiful. And if anyone disagrees with me they're wrong. I am pretty smart you know."

NORMAN BATES

He doesn't really notice and just think you're being distant at first and he let's it go on for a bit before he asks what's wrong. If you say nothing he know your lying but doesn't want to pry.

One day you ask him if you look okay and it clicks. He immediately gets up and starts cuddling you and kissing you telling you how pretty you look!

He makes sure to tell you everyday how pretty and amazing you are. He says how much he loves your body and how cute you are.

He basically smothers you in affection and new clothes and items until you feel better about yourself. He loves you and doesn't want you feeling bad about yourself.

#herbert west #herbert west x reader #norman bates #norman bates x reader #thomas hewitt x reader #thomas hewitt #slashers #slasher x reader #slasher

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bllds1 · 4 years ago

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Songs from characters playlists: Xenograft

(aka me stealing @manuscript-or ‘s idea but it’s ok because i made the playlist about his characters)

We Don’t Get Tired, We Get Even by Pat the Bunny

“We're up all night dreaming/ We aren't alive as long as there's a prison guard still breathing/ So we're up all night scheming/ We don't get tired, we get even”

Kali and her small band of misfits, desperately wanting to become something bigger and better than themselves; the goal always seems just out of reach.

Life is Beautiful by Lil Peep

“They'll kill your little brother and they'll tell you he's a criminal/ They'll fuckin' kill you too/ So you better not get physical/ Welcome to America, that type of shit is typical/ Isn't life beautiful? I think that life is beautiful”

Herbert, knowing something must be wrong. Herbert, not knowing why he feels that sentiment. Herbert, being powerless to change things anyways.

Apologize by grandson

“Been a lot of places in this life/ And I did a lot wrong I can't make right/ Never been a perfect soul/ But I will not apologize”

The group of so-called “heroes” all knowing the others can’t entirely be who they claim to be, but they’ve finally reached the point of resignation. Who cares if they screw each other over in the end - journey and destination and all that?

Deuteronomy 2:10 by The Mountain Goats

“I have no fear of anyone/ I'm dumb and wild and free/ I am a flightless bird/ And there'll be no more after me”

Reaching an acceptance. Herbert knows things will never go back to the way they were. Life will never be as simple as he always wished for. But maybe that doesn’t have to be such a terrible thing after all.

#i call this im bad at making a point verbally so i make playlists to show affection #uhhhhhhhhhhhh #yuh #if u also know these characters and would like the playlist just lemme know uwu <3 #alternate post title is im not a writer and u can really tell

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marawrder · 5 years ago

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who is / was your favourite muse of all time to play?

@nosestealer ⏤ mun questions

i just answered this here for @pcltrghosts bUT if you don’t mind i’m gonna talk about another character that comes very close bc i love! ok buckle up.

idk if you’ve seen greek, this abc family show about a college campus where the greek system of sororities and fraternities is really over the top and it’s all about those relations between the frats and the sorority drama and you know. that stuff. VERY stereotypical, which makes it funny to me tho. a friend of mine had an rp board with that story as a background, sans all the characters but keeping the uni + its sororities and fraternities. there’s two main frats, one is the stereotypical rich boys in suits with trust funds and all that stuff, the other is the stereotypical brain-dead beer pong-playing lazy fucks who really are just there to party. the latter is called kappa tau gamma, and that is where my character, bertie cooper, comes in. he’s this big boy with the sunniest and most outgoing disposition, like he is always in a good mood and virtually nothing can anger or upset him. he is so lazy and laid back and literally everything is a joke to him, which made it so fun to write bc the internal dialogue was always so hilarious and i came up with so many gags that wouldn’t have occured to me in my life but for that character it was really non-stop. for some depth ( but only really just the tiniest amount, and maybe this too is only for the meme ) he had a twin brother that was his polar opposite and a Big Secret™. the secret is what his first name, bertie, is actually a nickname for. it really embarrassed him, so every time someone asked him, he would make up a new bert name ( bertram, herbert, albert, bertholomew ) so that nobody would know the truth. but it’s actually dagobert. ( you’re dutch and i’m german, so we’re probably both thinking about dagobert duck hehehe icon 8) ) the only people who know that secret is of course his family, but they’re in nevada while he studies in ohio, so there’s no threat of his secret coming out… except if his twin brother decides to spill. robin cooper is actually his younger twin ( by a few minutes ), but he is 100% more mature, and bertie would say too mature. he’s really out there hustling, starting uni to do law 2 years before bertie who’s just kinda chilling in that time. he has a real stick up his ass and is not a fan of bertie at all who came to his college and basically ruined his reputation bc they all mistake him for this lazy unwashed kappa tau bro when all he wants to do is HUSTLE >:(( and also he really condemns bertie’s life choices, you know putting partying before studying and all that. ( it sounds so cliché and goofy but. i wrote a screenplay based on this dynamic once for class and it was so emotional and tragic and i have so many feels ). bertie likes to annoy him non-stop but also doesn’t care much for robin’s opinion. they’re each going their own way. anyway, it was so much fun writing bertie bc he has such a distinctive voice for me and i’m a meme loving fuck so being able to make all these jokes really extended my lifespan by 10 more years.

i kinda went off oop but if you’re still with me and have the patience, under the cut i’ll introduce u to my highlight reel of bertie cooper

this one scene were the thread was unfortunately deleted but basically he’s talking to this girl called jean snart and is like ‘huh, snart. that sounds like a mix between sneeze and fart. i’m p sure i’ve used that word before.’

where he talks about his best friend and then says “yes, our friendship really equals hearteyes-emoji sparkle-emoji little-pink-heartsemoji two-dancing-bunny-ladies-emoji and all that stuff”

u know i’m not gonna give you any context but i have used the words Ur dad says hi and Slimthicc Apparel in a “serious” post.

“on this beautiful day bertie had already accomplished a lot: he got up, … now he was taking a nap on the couch on the living room.”

in his frat they give the pledges nicknames that stick their entire college career and.. he really called this one boy Bush because he lost at jenga… u know.… made a tower fall..

you know, using yeet in normal dialogue, as you do

“he made a surprised face that quite resembled the emoticon colon uppercase O”

he’s also a vet student and calls himself dogs’ rights activist :’)

and also this meme which isnt as funny if you explain it but i will ( also used pics of kellan lutz bc that was obv the fc 8) )

1. his family except for robin sees him as this innocent angel2. robin thinks he’s a clown lmao3. zbz stands for zeta beta zeta and that is a sorority that wants to be no 1 and therefore don’t associate with the slackers of kappa tau = they think he’s trash4. it’s….. it’s a robin costume…. get it….5. he was also pledge trainer for his frat!! he basically made the freshmen who were first joining the frat make all these initiation tasks from like crazy stuff to basically house chores lmao6. dobler’s is a campus bar where he once on a dare sang karaoke in “drag”7. “hot” but also a joke8. haha made u look!

and last but not least: this abomination

#nosestealer #long post /#( im SORRY THIS ESCALATED )#( i swear i dont love him more than sirius but i felt like this needed CONTEXT )#⌞ ⋆ ooc. ⏤ answered ⌝

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rhysiana · 5 years ago

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Wait, how and why does the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement exist? I’m so curious!

So you probably saw that I reblogged @star-anise’s explanation right after you sent me this. (I already had it queued up to post anyway! I was ready!)

But for some examples of the soulmate goose’s use outside the OMGCP fandom, please see @mad-madam-m’s excellent contributions to the Teen Wolf (Sterek), Voltron (Sheith), and Tiger & Bunny (Tiger/Bunny) fandoms. I am told Herbert the Goose from that last one will be making a cameo in an upcoming Tiger & Bunny fic as well and I, for one, am greatly looking forward to it. Clearly all romcom scenarios are enhanced by the addition of geese.

#asked and answered #soulmate goose of enforcement

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mobius-prime · 5 years ago

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100. Sonic Super Special #5 - Sonic Kids

Welcome to the hundredth issue, guys! Obviously not the hundredth issue of the main comic itself, we've still got a long ways to go before we reach that, but it's the hundredth issue that I'm covering in this review, anyhow. Fittingly, it's a bit of a flashback to, well, when the Freedom Fighters were kids. Which is awesome, because it allows me to finally go into several points that I've been just dying to bring up! Let's dive in, shall we?

When You and I Were Young, Sally

Writer: Mike Gallagher Pencils: Manny Galan Colors: Barry Grossman

So no time frame is given for what age everyone was when this story took place, but I'm going to guess it was no more than five or six years ago, given that any younger would make Tails basically a toddler in this story, which he doesn't seem like he is. Sally and her friends (minus Bunnie, because remember, she wasn't a part of the team yet) are playing inside when Rosie comes in to scold them and order them to play outside instead. Before Sally can follow her friends out, she's held back by Julayla (if you'll remember, her old mentor who died in StH#18) for a lesson. She's clearly not pleased with this.

This already gives some insight into how strict Sally's upbringing and royal grooming were, even with her father gone. Luckily, Julayla is actually rather reasonable, and recognizes the others' worth as both friends and a source of growth for Sally. While Sonic shows off by playing an entire game of basketball by himself, Tails - or Miles, as everyone calls him, because he hasn't earned his nickname yet - becomes dejected, thinking he'll never be as cool as his hero Sonic. Sally tries to cheer him up by pointing out that everyone has their own strengths, and Sonic jumps in to point out Miles' prominent birth defect, turning it into a positive instead.

And so Miles attains his flight ability! However, he doesn't quite know yet how to stop flying, and so he goes careening away into the forest. Rotor - or Boomer, as he's still known back then - is able to track where he might have landed, and even begins to describe a new idea he had for a handheld computer before Sally shushes him, serving as yet another reference to future events given that far-future-Rotor was the one who invented Nicole and sent her back in time, if you'll recall. The group hears Miles' voice coming from a tree stump, and gather around to try to decipher what he's saying.

Perfect! They all land in an underground cavern where Miles is dizzy from his landing but unharmed, and, looking around, are amazed at how cool the place is, with an underground aquifer and such an interesting secret entrance through the hollow tree stump… hey, sounding familiar? Sally declares that this should be their new secret headquarters for a group she's forming right now… the Freedom Fighters!

Well that's quite a verbose speech for a ten year old, Sally, but it inspires everyone to go along - minus Sonic, who seems mildly unenthused for some reason. I suppose it wasn't "cool" enough for him at first? Anyway, Sally then tasks them with finding a way out of the cavern, and Miles uses his new ability to fly out and lower a vine for them to climb out. And thus, the Freedom Fighters were born! It's a bit awkward to think back, however, on how resistant everyone was to adding Tails to the group in earlier issues, citing that he was too young. It paints kind of a ridiculous and petty picture of them initially forming the group with Miles, only to then reject him for being too much of a baby child, and only finally accepting him back in once he was the same age they were when they first formed the group. I mean, come on guys, that's such a dick move!

Stop… Sonic Time!

Writer: Tom Rolston and Karl Bollers Pencils: Art Mawhinney Colors: Ken Penders

The very first page of this story is my in - I finally get to explain my biggest theory!

Yes, that is a modern-day Sonic, being pestered by a bunch of little kids in Knothole to tell stories of his adventures. The first time I read the comics, this was the issue that made the silly tone of all the previous early issues make sense. After all, of course Sonic would love to brag of his and his friends' adventures to all the wide-eyed children of the village, hanging on his every word - but he couldn't make things out to be as dire as they actually were, lest he scare them. Add his naturally carefree and somewhat goofy nature to the mix, and you have your answer - most of the early issues, particularly the ones by Michael and Angelo, were all just stories Sonic was telling to the kids. To some degree, certainly most of the events depicted happened in some capacity, but they were much more serious, much more dire, with much higher stakes than we were led to believe. That time Sonic took a front row seat to Orbinaut's introduction and got put through a pinball machine for his troubles? More likely that he snuck into a Robotnik laboratory to find out his latest nefarious plans only to be spotted and captured, barely escaping an elaborate death trap with his life. That magic frog that gave him jewels which gave him powers? Probably an embellishment to an otherwise routine story of taking down Robotnik's latest invention. The time the Freedom Fighters formed a band and defeated Robotnik with the power of music? Perhaps an incursion into Robotropolis gone wrong when they were cornered in an old concert hall. My point is, given how serious the comic gets later on, those early issues, with their goofy slapstick tone, don't really make sense except through an interpretation like this - that they're merely dressed-up stories told by Sonic to the Knothole children throughout the war, to satisfy their curiosity, keep their spirits up, and give him a chance to brag even in the wake of a dire and terrifying battle that they barely escaped alive. This is how I choose to view all the older issues, through this lens of storytelling - it just seems to make sense. Incidentally, this is why I recommend people getting into the comics read every issue even if they're not into slapstick comedy, as they become painted in a much different light once you realize what they could mean in context.

Anyway, back to actually analyzing the story. When one of the kids asks Sonic how he got his shoes, he explains that they were custom-made for him by Uncle Chuck to withstand the friction created by his speed. He then decides to explain the story of how he got Tails his own shoes, which are similar to his. It took place a "few years ago," likely one or two years after the previous story since everyone still acts like children. Miles had been taking lessons from Rosie and gotten straight A's, prompting everyone to throw him a little party to celebrate his good grades. Antoine gets him a ribbon that he claims he earned through his own heroism, and while Boomer corrects him, Miles worries that Sonic hasn't shown up. Sally comforts him, but she's not too confident in him either.

Turns out Sonic is in Robotropolis, meeting up with a strange robed figure who agreed to trade him a bag of rocks for the shoes. It seems like a strange trade, but as Sonic speeds away…

Hey, remember Merlin Prower from the Sonic Live special? Of course given his name and appearance we knew they had to be related, but now we have confirmation - he's Tails' uncle! Sonic likely didn't actually tell this part to the Knothole kids - rather the comic is just showing the final panel to reveal this interesting tidbit of information to us.

Meanwhile in another part of Robotropolis, Robotnik is being evil as usual, and has come up with a plan. He's sick and tired of the "king's daughter" heading the resistance against him, and thus has invented a time-freezing ray that will stop time for everyone in the forest, allowing his forces to waltz in and load them all on a transport to Robotropolis with ease. Sonic sees the beam fire over his head as he races back to Knothole, but decides not to worry about it until after he's delivered his gift to Tails. However, predictably, once he gets back, everyone is frozen, and outside Knothole itself, the swatbots are rounding up the frozen Mobians. Sonic realizes he has to stop this plan before they discover the Great Oak Slide into the village, and so he comes up with a plan to pretend to be frozen, letting him sneak into Robotropolis.

Soon, Sonic is standing on the pedestal in Robotnik's main room, ready to be roboticized. Robotnik mentions, interestingly, that he had promised to spare those who followed his laws and had indeed followed his own rule up until now, which is surprising given his normally ruthless nature - however, naturally, he's decided that's boring and wants to roboticize everyone, followed by sending his robot army out to conquer the entire galaxy. Damn, man! The planet wasn't enough for you? Sonic allows him to monologue just long enough to let him get embroiled in an evil cackle before jumping off the pedestal and mocking him, then pressing every button on every console to mess up his plans. This thankfully results in exactly what he wanted - everyone being unfrozen back home, while Snively and the bots looking for more prisoners are frozen in time instead. With one last flourish, he smashes up the time-freeze ray and speeds out of the city, back home, where everyone within the village still has no idea anything went wrong at all. He dodges Sally's scolding, goes to give Tails his present, remembers he left it hidden in the forest, and speeds back to find it with ease.

And that's how Tails got his similar-to-Sonic's shoes! Sonic concludes his story to the children only to notice that they all fell asleep listening to him at some point. Classic!

Total Re: Genesis

Writer: Karl Bollers Pencils: Nelson Rebeiro, Art Mawhinney, Sam Maxwell, and John Herbert Colors: Barry Grossman

Unlike the other two stories, this one doesn’t take place during the childhood of the Freedom Fighters, but rather just after StH#38. If you'll remember, I noted that the issue ended rather abruptly, not really explaining how everyone escaped or what happened afterward. I'm not sure if this story was intended to correct that or if they just randomly decided on that issue as a good place to add in an additional story, but here we are regardless. We open with Sonic, Sally, and Antoine looking pretty exhausted and beat up with a flaming pile of robotic wreckage behind them, and they answer a call from Uncle Chuck to explain what happened. Apparently one of the wrecked combots they fought came back online while they were cleaning up, and each of them take turns explaining their version of events, in which the speaker is the sole hero of the story. Sally explains how her two companions were knocked silly by a blast, and thus she acted as a distraction, breaking off a piece of a cliff to smash the already messed-up bot.

Antoine interrupts to explain that, in fact, it was Sally and Sonic who were unconscious, and the robot still had legs. What's more, it could cloak itself to become invisible, and so Antoine had an epic duel with it, using his superior hearing to fight and slash at it even without being able to see.

But that's not how it happened, interjects Sonic! Antoine was merely watching his heroics jealously from a distance while Sally begged him, ever the hero, to save them both. He stepped forward, easily dodging anything the combot threw at him while mocking its sound effects, and then paused to adjust his sneakers before charging at it to blow it up.

Uncle Chuck finally interrupts to tell them that he installed Nicole with an uplink to a spy satellite which recorded the whole thing, allowing him to watch playback of what really happened. As it turns out, everyone's stories are somewhat true, with Sonic using his spines to saw off the bot's legs, Antoine slicing up its internal circuitry, and then Sally crushing it with a boulder before it could fire off another shot. He congratulates them on their teamwork, and they bicker good-naturedly as they head back home.

Well, that's a hundred issues everyone! Hard to believe we've already come this far, but hang on tight, cause we still got over two hundred fifty issues to go. The story of the preboot is far from over, after all!

#nala reads archie sonic preboot #archie sonic #archie sonic preboot #sonic the hedgehog #sonic super special 5 #writer: michael gallagher #writer: tom rolston #writer: karl bollers #pencils: manny galan #pencils: art mawhinney #pencils: nelson ribeiro #pencils: sam maxwell #pencils: john herbert #colors: barry grossman #colors: ken penders

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yuckitup-jwd · 5 years ago

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Historical people answer the question - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Douglas Adams: Forty-Two

Earnest Angsley: To be HAYELED! in the name o'Jayeeezus!

Marcus Antonius: The evil that chickens do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.

Any Philosophy 101 Professor: Why not?

Any Calculus Professor: The road, if expressed in the form (y2-y1)/(x2-x1) is approximate for cases where lim(y2-y1)/(x2-x1) as (x2-x1) -> 0, is represented by the derivative, or rate of change, of the road with respect to the chicken, such that the value of the chicken may be assumed equal to the value of (y2-y1)/(x2-x1), for small values of roads.

Jane Austen: Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being posessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Neil Armstrong: One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.

Arthur, King of the Britons: What do you mean? African or European chickens?

Paul Atreidies: What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road? That shall be the name that you shall call me!

Lord Baden-Powell: Because as a Chicken Scout, it needed the Road-Crossing Merit Badge.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh what I wouldn't give to back in my nice, warm Hobbit-hole! I hope I never have to lay eyes on such a thing as that chicken again!

Baldrick: It had a cunning plan.

The Band: To take a load off....

The Bandit, in The Treasure of The Sierra Madre: "Chickens? Chickens? We don't need no stinkin' chickens!"

Clive Barker: He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him. And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls. The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him. He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape. He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

The Beatles: To be free as a bird!

Lavrenti Beria (ex-head of the KGB): This is a State Secret -- we have informants everywhere.

Bill The Cat Ack. Thpppbt

Blackadder: Queenie: Because I told it to. Percy: To acquire a hunk of purest green Lord Flasheart: To DOOOOOOOOO IT!

Lucien Bouchard: So that it could be SEPARATE!

Ben Bova: To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time

Brisco (Law and Order): For A Bagel

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce: To grab a Fosters and get away from the poofters!

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Archie Bunker: I don't care what them there chickens do, as long as they stay on THEIR side of the street!

Bugs Bunny: What's up, cluck?

Robert Burns: Fair Fa Your Honest Sonsie Face Great Chieftain O' The Chicken Race The blackened road 'ahind ye said Ye best run quick ere ye be deid!

George Bush: If it did it was out of the loop

George Bush: (again) It could see the thousand points of headlights....

Rhett Butler: Frankly my dear, it didn't give a damn!

C3PO (1): Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.

C3PO (2): Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.

Caesar: It came, it saw, it crossed.

Joseph Campbell: In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples of the chicken motif that cannot be dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am reminded of an old Navajo legend in which a buffalo crosses a stream to "come" to the other side -- an obvious negative language devised to prepare tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the Hindus believe in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical interpretation, we are led to realize that all examples suggest an attainable higher state of consciousness like that of Nietzsche's ubermench, or superman, as outlined in his novel "Thus Spoke Zarathustra."

Albert Camus: Seeing that an indifferent world lied on all sides of the road, the chicken knew it would be absurd not too cross, and for that moment, the chicken knew what it was to really be alive. It was if the bird had been asleep its entirely up until this choice was put before him. So, with a newfound determination and a smile, the chicken valiently crossed the road only to be put out of its mercy by an eighteen wheeler.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

Johnny Carson: Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm... Ed McMahon: How cold was it? Johnny Carson: It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging the sheep to get wool for sweaters!

Raymond Chandler: Across these mean streets a chicken must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete chicken and a common chicken and yet an unusual chicken. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a chicken of honor - by instinct, by inevitability, withough thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best chicken in his world and a good enough chicken for any world.

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY....STAY...

Cheech (or Chong): Just to be there, man.

The Chicken: I am crossing the road to block traffic as a protest against ..." (thump).

Commander Chikotay: I'm not sure but I can find out. That chicken is my animal spirit guide.

Noam Chomsky: To manufacture consent

Tom Clancy: The Mark 84 gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road.

John Cleese From Fawlty Towers: Manuel from Barcelona: "Que?" Basil: "You know, a chicken crossing the road...." Manuel: "Que?" Basil: [looking it up in a dictionary], "Un Pollo..." Manuel: interrupting, "No, No we out of chicken.." * WHAP!!*

John Cleese: Because it was very silly.

John Cleese: (again) This isn't a chicken license, you know! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

John Cleese: (#3) This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.

Bill Clinton: What?

Bill Clinton (again): The chicken was persuaded to cross the road by the Democratic congress. It is now returning to the middle of the road

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

John Constantine: Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.

Alastair Cooke: Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we present the epic British drama "How The Chicken Went," based on the 1843 novel by Herbert T. Poultry, and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick. Starring Susan Hampshire as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins as the evil and unrepentant diner, Borstrom, this elegant period piece explores the mores and morality of a society in which ordinary chickens had to face their destiny of crossing the road to meet their fate at the hands of the monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions or desires...

Shiela Copps (Deputy Prime Minister of Canada): BECAUSE I SCREAMED AT IT REAL LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheila Copps: Okay, I know that the chicken promised it would cross the road if the Liberals failed to eliminate the GST, but it was a stupid promise to make and the chicken deeply regrets ever making it. However, the chicken will not be crossing the road because to do so would cost tax payers $500,000.

Sheila Copps (a few days later): Alright! Alright! The chicken will cross the road like it promised. But it'll be right back again. Now leave me alone.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecendented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jacques Ives Cousteau: Zee cheecken, unaware of zee dangare beehind heem, crosses zee street. Weezout warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee balance of zee nature ees maintained.

Stephen R. Covey: When the chicken and the road can work together for the win-win, the result is synergy!

Jean Cretien, Prime Minister of Canada: "It wasn't a chicken, you know, it was an Inuit carving of a loon. But the RCMP should have been there anyway..."

Aleister Crowley: Because it was its True Will to do so.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Stephanie Daniels: It was the turtle's day off.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Commander Data: I do not know. Although I have compared all of my 437 billion data points relating to chickens and roads, there is no possitive correlation between the two.

W. Edwards Demming: But is one chicken crossing one road of statistical importance? Only once we have established an historical baseline of chickens with respect to roads, with calculated upper and lower control limits, can we make that determination.

Arthur Dent: Are you sure the chicken is from Beetelgeuse, and not from Gilford after all?

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Descartes (again): The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the universe.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Bob Dole: Do you know that before that chicken had gotten across the road, its cellular phone was ringing and there was a lawyer on the other end asking if it would like to sue the city for not putting up a traffic light.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?

E.T.: Chicken, phone home

Ecclesiastes (1): For every fowl, there is a season. A time for garlic, a time for sage...

Ecclesiastes (2): This bird is meaningless.

Wyatt Earp: Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?

Eeyore: If it did. Which I doubt. Not that it matters.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

T.S. Eliot: It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

Harlan Ellison: Because he had no beak and must scream.

Emergency Medical Holographic Doctor on U.S.S. Voyager: Maybe it was trying to state the nature of a medical emergency.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Epicurus: For fun.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Sybil Fawlty: BASIL! Why is there a CHICKEN in my hotel?

Dr. Johnny Fever: To escape from the Phone Cops!

Fiver (from Watership Down): Don't you see it? The sky has turned to blood, the field has turned to fire... THE CHICKENS! DON'T YOU SEE THE CHICKENS?

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Barney Fyfe: Now Andy, let me tell you a thing or two about chickens. Chickens cross roads in those other counties, but not here in Mayberry. No chicken crosses no roads in Mayberry without Deputy Fyfe knowing about it!

Gandalf: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

Bill Gates: For the money

Frank Bunker Gilbereth: To minimize its therbligs

Jim Gillis: The chicken crossed the road to show the gophers it could be done.

Newt Gingrich: To get to the RIGHT side of the road.

Newt Gingrich (again): The chicken had to cross the road, because, bogged down by the incredible debt burden, it was no longer able to fly.

Newt Gingrich (III): It was safety pinned to one of those damn punk rockers!

Ira Glasser (ACLU): The chicken maintains an absolute privacy interest in information as to whether or why he or she may have perambulated the thoroughfare.

Johann Wolfgang v. Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Sir Charles Grandiose: As surely as the golden hairs turn to silver, as surely as the sands drift silently through the slender neck of the hourglass, the last sunny days of summer flee soundlessly under autumn's chilly embrace. And with those last days of that warmest and most joyful of seasons, left the road's edge the sprightliest young chicken ever a Baronet did see

Hercules Gryptyppe-Thynne, (All-around Public-School Cad): That's not a chicken! It's a clever disguise, inside of which is Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarity.....

Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.

Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.

Thomas Hardy: The road was black, the sky was white (and so were the feathers) as the bright red mark on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was doomed.

Mike Harris, (Premier of Ontario): Like evrything else in this province, it was facing the axe.

Paul Harvey: And now... page two... a chicken... attempts to cross... the street... yes... the street... and is... run down by a... Buick! The Buick Roadmaster with it's powerful perfomance and elegant style! Yes... that poor chicken... hit by the Buick... it's true... it's... true... and speaking of true... your local True Value Hardware Store...

Hegel: Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.

Robert Heinlein: Because with the freedom the chicken was given, it was the chicken's responsibility to do so.

Robert Heinlein (again): The more widely dispersed chickens are throughout the Universe, the better the long-term prospects for the survival of the chicken species.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Doug Hofstadter: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

Sherlock Holmes: It crossed the road because it was going to catch a train at Victoria Station at 3:15, to Edinburgh. And how did I know that? Observe, Watson, the patina of dust on the chicken's feathers, which indicates that it had been spending time in a library, reading about Scotland. And observe also that it was humming "Bonnie Lassie" as it waited to cross. Finally, and most important, observe the train ticket marked Edinburgh, stuffed under one wing, and the fact that Victoria station was where the chicken crossed the street, and finally that the only train to Edinburgh this afternoon is the 3:15....

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Dr. Jack Van Impe: Well you see, here's the really exciting part, if we were to look at Revelation 17:3 we will see that the Whore of Babylon rides on a scarlet beast. A scarlet beast! What this means is a Rhode Island Red. And the truly glorious thing is that this beast, this Rhode Island Red, this CHICKEN has crossed the road EXACTLY as was prophesized in the Bible and this is all a sign, Revelation 17:3, that we're living in the End Time. Hallelujah! And if you would like more information on the significance of this chicken crossing the road as all part of God's great plan then send me $50 and you will recieve this set of video tapes along with a copy of my recent book "Chickens: fowl beast, or foul beast?".

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gesalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Franz Kafka: Dieter, now in the form of a chicken, was running from the government's torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life.

Immanuel Kant: The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by Reason.

Casey Kasem: And now here's a hot new number from a hot young band whose drummer was so tragically killed in a freeway accident, it's The Hen House Flock singing "When You Gonna Crow?" hitting the charts at number 23!

JFK: The chicken chose to cross the road in this decade not because it was easy, but because it was hard.

Obi Wan Kenobi: To follow old obi wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Jack Kerouac: The chicken hipster, high on tea and the soul groves of Charlie (the bird) Parker, strolled aimlessly on the road looking for his dharma.

Soren Kierkegaard: The chicken is dead. The road is nothing.

Colonel Kilgore: "I love the smell of chickens in the morning"

Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ralph Klein: Because we gave it a one-way bus ticket to B.C.

Mark Knophler: How come Chickens got Industrial Disease?

Mark Lane: There is new, irrefutable evidence that the chicken did not act alone.

Gary Larson: Don't ask me. I am retired. Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

John Le Carre: Because it knew, at the core of its being where none could ever reach, that its only course of action now that its cover was blown wide open was to try and slip away into the grey, foggy, bleak evening before Smiley came, accompanied by his silent shadow Peter Guillam, asking questions for which there could never be answers.

Dr. Hannibal Lector: So I could eat its liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti .......thththththththth.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Foghorn Leghorn: To get to that damn Dawg, Boah!

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Vladimir Lenin: It is not the chicken's road. It is the PEOPLE'S road!

David Letterman: And the No. 1 reason - fricasee!

Rush Limbaugh: Beacuse of those damn bleeding heart liberals, trying to save one stupid bird while thousands of jobs are being lost. Dave Lister: Because of the smegging space corps directives.

Any Late Evening News Anchor: The chicken crosses the road. Film at 11:00.

Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and seven eggs ago, our forefeathers...

Logan (Law and Order): To buy a plaid tie

Jack London: To answer the call of the wild.

H.P. Lovecraft: To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

George Lucas: Because the Force was with it.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Marvin (the paranoid android): "Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me why the chicken crossed the road? I could tell you, but I really don't think it's worth while."

Marvin the Paranoid Android: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me? Why did the chicken cross the road? As if their pathetic cerebelums could even comprehend my answer. Chickens, don't talk to me about chickens... they're SO depressing.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Karl Marx (again): To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Groucho Marx (again): This morning I shot a chicken in my pyjamas -- and lemme tell ya, that chicken ran out of my pyjamas in a second!

Jackie Mason: Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Perry Mason: Cross the road you say? But how can you be sure? No one else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!

Dr. McCoy: How should I know? Damnit Jim, I'm a Doctor not an ornithologist!

Marshall McLuhan: The Road is the Medium. The chicken is the Message!

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

A.A. Milne: I imagine that if I thought very hard I shouold come up with a reason. (also applicable to Winnie the Pooh)

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

Indigo Montoya: It too pursues a man with six fingers on his left hand.

Michael Moriarity: To annoy Janet Reno.

Jim Morrison: To break on thruough to the other side, I am the chicken king

Ralph Nader: A chicken on a road is unsafe at any speed

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Col. Oliver North: I do not recall any such events. I had no knowledge of these occurrences.

Peter Norton: It was a virus and it saw me coming...

Richard Nixon: That part of our conversation was accidentally erased.

George Orwell: Because Big Brother was watching to make sure that it did cross the road, although in its heart, the chicken never did.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Emporer Palpatine: Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Dorothy Parker: Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time.

Patsy: Oh, F*&% the chicken. Run it over and lets have a drink.

Gen. George S. Patton: To get those yellow bellied chickens outta here.

General George S. Patton (again): The way to win a war is not to cross a road for you country. The way to win a war is to make some OTHER poor chicken cross a road for HIS COUNTRY!

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Frank Perdue: How the heck do I know? Do I look like a chicken to you -- don't answer that.

Marlin Perkins, on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Watch, as the chicken mauls Jim yet again...

H. Ross Perot: I'm crossing. I'm not crossing....

H. Ross Perot2: Crossing the road is that chickens primary concern! PRIMARY concern!

H. Ross Perot3: Chickens and roads, I'll tell ya what it means! It means 4 trillion dollars of dafficit, it means the end of our infrastructure, it means... look at this chart!

H. Ross Perot4: Let me tell ya, it's all about NAFTA. This chicken represents your job, and this road represents the Mexican border...

Jean-Luc Picard: To see what's out there.

Jean-Luc Picard (again): Because it's shields were down and it had no other options left...

Piglet: Because ch-ch-chickens are such very s-s-s-small animals.

Plato: For the greater good.

Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the chicken,"Nevermore!"

Emily Post: When a chicken is confronted with a road, it is only proper for the chicken to stand erect, turn to face the road, look both ways and cross... remembering to send a sincere thank you letter within one month of the event.

Elvis Presley: You aint nothin' but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!

Psalms: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no road!

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What Road?

Monty Python: For Something Completely Different

Dan Quayle: "chicken" C-H-I-K-E-N "chicken"

The Red Queen: Who cares? Off with it's head!

R2D2: beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

The White Rabbit: It was late!

Ayn Rand: The chicken crossed the road in order to get away from the flock that is stifling his creativity.

Ayn Rand (again): If not for the intransigently independent vision of that first chicken, none of the other chickens would have been able to cross the road. And they condemned him for his acheivement!

Ronald Reagan: I don't recall. What was the question?

Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.

Pat Riley: The chicken crossed the lane in less than 3 seconds, so a "fowl" should not have been called.

Rimmer: Aliens!!!

General Jack D. Ripper: To maintain the purity of its precious bodily fluids.

Geraldo Rivera: Stay tuned as a panel of chickens reveals the shocking truth.

Tom Robbins: Well you see, that chicken was a special chicken who was a descendent of a parrot family that once built pyramids for tourist pharohs. This chicken liked the other side of the road whose shamanic whispers beckoned Anastasia, the parrot, like the popped cherry of a ritually consumated white wedding. That's the meaning of it all, baby!

Oral Roberts: He couldn't raise the $10,000,000.00 so God called him home.

Oral Roberts (again): And I said to the chicken: "Put your claw on the screen! Put your claw on the screen, upon the hand of Brother Oral, and you shall be healed. Make a love offering of $50 or more, and then touch the screen. And that chicken did put his claw on the screen. And the power of God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, flowed through me and out through that television set, and that chicken was healed *PRAISE GOD!*. And then that chicken, stricken for so many months, rose up and walked across the road. But, since he had forgotten his love offering, God never warned him about the 30 ton semi barreling down on the crosswalk...."

Carl Sagan: To see the billions and billions of stars.

Col. Saunders: It Ran, Suh! I offered it a coating of 11 herbs and spices and it ran, Suh! So I shot it, Suh, shot it while it was trying to escape, suh!

Sappho: For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips..

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: It was going back...

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain, wi' no dilithium crystals left to speak of!

Agent Scully: There simply must be a rational, scientific explanation. Chickens don't just "cross roads"

Neddy Seagoon: WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT?

William Shakespeare:

1: This is the road of chicken's discontent, Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck... (Richard II)

2: Bring me no more reports, let them fly all; 'Til a chicken remove to other side of road I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken? Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus: "Fear not, MacNugget; no chicken that's born of hen Shall e'er lay beak upon thee." (Macbeth)

3: If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly: if the crossing Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch, Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers Might be the be-all and end-all here, But here, at this corner of street and avenue, We'd cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)

4: To cross, or not to cross? That is the question, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The wheels and axles of the city's mass transit Or to take flight against a sea of motorists And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep No more! And by that peep to say we end The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks That chicken is heir to. 'Tis a perambulation Devoutly to be wish'd. (Hamlet)

Homer Simpson: ohhhhhhhh Chicken.....

Bart Simpson: It's outta here, man!

Mrs. Slocum: Now look what you've done, there's chicken all over my pussy!

Kenneth Starr: In view of President Clinton's dealings with the Tyson Poultry Company, the matter of the chicken crossing the road is under investigation for its possible connection with the Whitewater affair.

George Steinbrenner: Because I offered him a $4 million contract.

George Steinbrenner2: Because I fired him!

George Steinbrenner3: Because he's now my new manager.

George Steinbrenner4: Because I fired him again!

Dr. Suess: See the end of this document for the full Dr. Suess version.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Mr. Spock: It was not logical for the chicken to do so, but I have frequently observed that the behaviour of chickens is not logical

E.E. (Doc) Smith: Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Joseph Stalin: It was clearly a conspiracy. Take all the chickens out and shoot them. At Once!

John Steinbeck: The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross. It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.

Ben Stone (Law and Order): Because the defendant made it, sir.

Oliver Stone: He went back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the..

Dr. Strangelove: Because it could not afford to be caught on the wrong side of the road-side gap.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Fear will keep the chickens in line, fear of this thoroughfare!

Tim "The Toolman" Taylor: This here bird'll cross that road in no time flat, now that I've made a few "special modifications! We've added the Binford 7100 Multi-Purpose power unit, which I've souped up by adding a United Aircraft PT-6 jet engine - Urrgh urrgh urrgh! Heidi, bring out the chicken, please....

Alfred, Lord Tennyson: So that it could sail beyond the sunset.

Old Testament: And rooster and hen were married. And rooster did begat chicken. And chicken did cross the road.

New Testament: He among you who has not crossed roads, let him cast the first egg!

Margaret Thatcher: There was simply no alternative!

Theodoric of York, the Medievil Barber: Because of an imbalance of bodily humors caused by an elf or small toad living in the chicken's stomach. What this fowl needs is a good bleeding. Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

Hunter S. Thompson: Why the &*%$#@ not?

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Tiggr: Because that's what chickens do best!

Tiggr: (again) That's the wonderful thing about Chickens, Chasing Chickens is FUN FUN FUN, And the Wonderful thing about Chickens Is that when crossing streets they RUN!

Tim, the Enchanter: It's got wings that... and a beak that... good god man, look at the bones!

Brian Tobin (new premier of Newfoundland): It followed the cod....

J.R.R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Anthony Trollope: Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. I was going to chop it with my little axe, so it crossed the road.

Mae West: 'Cause I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Jerry White: Why does a chicken cross the road only half-way? So she can lay it on the line.

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production.

Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third: What do you two-bit quacks know about chickens? Did you learn about them in medical school, or did you just read the comic book?

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Wittgenstein #2: There are indeed things that cannot be put into words. They make themselves manifest. They are what is mystical.

Wittgenstein #3: What we cannot explain we must pass over in silence.

Tom Wolfe: Kesey, muscles rippling under his shirt, a mysterious smile on his face, surrounded by the Merry Pranksters, placed the chicken at the road's edge. The chicken paused at the edge of the road, looking this way and that, and then rending the air with a tremendous, "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" bolted across the road, its disheveled wings flapping uselessly about, leaving a trail of feathers and dander that, whenever two-ton chromium steel, 300 horsepower tail-finned symbols of Detroit's and America's supremacy passed, would swirl in a miniature version of a cyclone like the ones Mr. and Mrs. America see on the TV news every evening when he's come home from work and she's setting the table for dinner, both only half paying attention to the cyclones that devastate midwestern cow towns on sweltering summer afternoons. And the heat, dander, tornados, asphalt, tail-fins and the sweat of Mr. and Mrs. America as they move mechanically in their daily routine like the figurines in one of those huge medieval clocks on some cathedral in some European town, moving in the same way, every hour on the hour, it was all summed up by the "ba-BAAWWWWKKK!" of a scampering chicken accompanied by the "skritch, skritch" of its feet.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Mr. Worf: I do not know, Klingon chickens do NOT cross the road.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Yoda: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great

Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

STAR TREK CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD TOO

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But--if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I do know how: with pleasure, sir.

Garak: To get to the other side? Of course not! Do you realize how ridiculous that is? I'm sure it was a simple matter of its farmer expelling it from the coop for...embezzling eggs.

Odo: I don't have the slightest idea--and I don't particularly care...but then, I've never understood you ornithoids' need to engage in such pointless behavior.

Quark: Now really, why would I have bribed him to do it so I could make a tidy profit in the station pool? Besides, all I know is that chicken tastes just like tube grubs.

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

O'Brien: Well, it's nothing a good pint or two won't fix.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

Sulu: To get back to San Franciso; it was born there.

Troi: It was running...running away from...no, escaping...oh, Captain, it was fleeing from such -pain-!

Kira: I bet those damn Cardassians were after it!

Picard: Dammit, that's not for us to answer! It's his fundamental right as a sentient being to determine the time and manner by which he travels towards his goals!

Dr. Bashir: I suppose it wanted to play some darts.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! (Inconceivable!)

Sisko: I don't care -why- it was crossing the road! All I want to know is -why- it left the coop! So it wanted to "get to the other side"--there is only -so far- that my tolerance will go!

Barclay: Uh, chicken?!! Where?!!! C-c-c-ommander, did I ever mention my problem with small feathered things?

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. It will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it wanted to be my friend.

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll be there in an hour or two--but any later, and it'll be absolutely impossible for it to make it.

Jake: To check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the [BEEP] regulations of [BEEP] Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

Spock: Fasincating, Captain, it seems driven by a beam of pure energy.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here! I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew! All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

Sarek: Sometimes my logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's...

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Dr. Crusher: Maybe since he couldn't make the other side to get to him, -he- had to get to the other side....

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Crewman in red suit: "Captain, this chicken seems to have crossed the AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock, I fixed you your favorite Vulcan plomeek and chicken soup!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Dr. Suess:

Would you, could you cross the street On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not, could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road as though a toad Not with a cluck to avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night With car headlight Not across the road As though a toad Not with a cluck To avoid a truck Not in Japan Godzilla and Rodan I would not could not cross the street On my two small chicken feet. Across the road I will not scram Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try For it is true, chickens can't fly. Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat! I truly love to cross the street. Across the road I LOVE to scram. I cross the road, a fowl I am.

#AnimalJokes #ChickenJokes #jokesonfamouspeople

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