#Anyway six weeks into the semester I dropped out and came back home (long story)

[herawell]

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[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, part 1

There was one other time when you found yourself like this. Just once. 

In a bathroom stall in your college dorm room, your roommate on the other side with bated breath. What’s it say? She had asked, her voice echoing off the beige tiles that spilled into the messy living room, littered with solo cups and stale tortilla chips.

This time you were alone. No roommate on the other side of the door, no beige tile. Instead, a clean, white bathroom nestled on the third floor of the Los Angeles Facebook office. 

The white plastic stick in your hand, this time, showed a tiny plus sign. A light pink symbol of what was usually happiness. But alone in the bathroom at work didn’t feel like a happy place. 

You stared down at it, wondering if the tears in your eyes were responsible for the blurring of the result. You shook it, wiped at your eyes, and checked again. Still positive. 

So you capped it and tossed it into the top drawer of your desk a few minutes later, more than happy to pretend that it wasn’t a looming disaster. A life-changing, career-altering disaster. 

When it burned a hole in your drawer, begging you to open it and pray that the plus sign had changed, you decided to text Lexi. 

Y/N L/N (3:34pm): Broke down and took a test. 

You put your phone face down, hoping that an impending text from your roommate wouldn’t create a higher heart rate than what was already pounding in your ears. You tried to take a few breaths. 

This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t the way you pictured life and it certainly wasn’t the way you pictured your summer. When the phone buzzed next to your mouse, you grabbed it so quickly you almost dropped it to the floor. 

Lexi MacMillan (3:35pm): And??

Y/N L/N (3:35pm): Positive.

You stared at the screen, watched as the three dots appeared, disappeared, appeared again, and then vanished. You imagined Lexi sitting on set, maybe in her dressing room or maybe right beside her co-star, typing and erasing, typing and erasing. 

You ignored the email that came through on your computer, likely a request from a team member to edit one of your last images, this marketing campaign is due at 5pm! This marketing campaign was also the furthest thing from your mind right now. 

Your phone started buzzing in your hand, a picture of Lexi with big white sunglasses splashed itself across the screen. You answered it quickly, holding a hand up to your mouth to keep your voice low and your words private.

“Hi,” you said, heading back for the bathroom that was around the corner from your office. 

“What the actual fuck, dude? Are you serious?”

“Yes--why would I lie about that? Do you think I’m that twisted?!”

She let out a noise of exasperation. “No, I just--I don’t know--I thought you were being paranoid or some shit! I didn’t think it was actually possible!”

“Me neither,” you said, shutting the door behind you and leaning against the cool metal. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s alright. People get false positives all the time, right?”

Her voice was suddenly more relaxed than it had been, like she realized how serious this was and how fucked you were. 

“I think people get false negatives,” you replied, defeated.

“Okay, well, you can take another test tonight.”

“Okay.”

“And then if it’s still positive, you have to go to the doctor. That’s the first thing.”

“Right.”

“They’ll do another test there,” she informed you. 

“Uh huh.”

You thought back to your most recent sexual encounter, half drunk and giggly, white linens and sneaking out when he was asleep on top a memory foam pillow. Lexi already made it home, she was high on the couch with a bag of pretzels when you sauntered in at 4am. You made pizza bagels and laughed until sunrise about the fact that you hadn’t gotten laid in what felt like ages. 

I don’t know how you made it that long, she said. You must have an extremely low sex drive. 

Or you just have a high one, you laughed. You’re always horny. 

You didn’t think about it again for weeks. Okay, that was a lie. The drinks were good and the sex had been even better. Lexi had dragged you along to the party even though you knew all the players. You had deadlines for days coming up and a Sunday night didn’t seem like a good time to end up drunk somewhere near Laurel Canyon. But you went anyway.

The first time you realized something might be off was when you were a day late. It never happened. You lived your life on schedule and your period followed the rules--it was no exception. It typically came in the morning, and by bedtime, you were only a bit concerned. You went to sleep with confidence that you’d wake up to it. 

The second day came and went, too. Lexi put on her OBGYN hat and assured you that it was nothing to worry about. Women are late all the time, uteruses have a mind of their own, really. 

Days three and four were busy at work. Five and six were spent finalizing ideas for a new commercial campaign for a product launch, dinner with Lexi and Glenne. It wasn’t until the seventh day, when the light purple app on your phone gave a gentle nudge. Be sure to log your period! 

There was no way you’d miss it altogether. You’d been careful and you watched him toss the condom into a garbage bin in the bathroom through tired eyes. He fell asleep beside you while he traced a circle on your skin--you were sure you’d never hear from him. 

So you slipped out in the early morning light and took an Uber home, knowing that while it might not mean anything, it was at least a story to tell your close friends and to keep tucked away in your mind. 

“Okay--I have to go,” Lexi said suddenly. “Derek’s being a dumbass today and can’t get his fucking lines right, so, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay,” you said, voice small, blurry-eyed again. You let yourself slump down to the floor, at least thankful that this time, the tile wasn’t beige. 

You did your best to make it through the rest of the day, playing Lexi’s words over and over in your head. People get false positives all the time! You weren’t so sure, but telling yourself that seemed to quell the nausea. 

Traffic was heavy on the way home, sunglasses pushed up on your face and radio high enough to drown out your thoughts. You parked your car on the same leaf-littered street in Century City, walked the block to your apartment, and dropped your bag on the floor before heading for the bathroom. 

Lexi keyed in right after you sat down, water on to induce the stream of urine that you had prayed for the whole way home. 

“Hi,” she said, pushing her sunglasses off of her face and dropping her keys on the kitchen counter. She let out a small laugh at the sight of you: pants around your ankles, hair up in a scrunchie, pink plastic cap in your mouth as you held the second stick between your legs. 

The afternoon sunshine danced through the window, a breeze from the open sliding door felt like sweet relief in your stuffy first floor apartment.

“Hi,” you breathed out, flushing and pulling up your pants before capping the test and putting it on the counter. 

She took a few steps towards you, her eyes wider than usual. “How long does it take to show up?” 

“I don’t know--a minute or two, maybe? The first one was quick.”

She came over and stood beside you, her eyes on the tiny window where the result would appear. She crossed her arms and leaned over, letting her shoulder bump into yours. 

There was one line forming, like fog fading in the early morning, the other came into view as the two of you stood side by side. You let out a shaky breath--tears in your eyes again when she turned to see you. 

“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

You didn’t say anything in response, but a few sobs escaped through your lips when she wrapped her arms around you. She smoothed your hair with her hand and eventually brought you back to the kitchen, pulling two beers out of the fridge and setting them on the counter as she rummaged through a drawer for a bottle opener.

“I can’t have that!” You said, pointing at it like it was poison, mascara smudged beneath your eyes.

“Oh fuck,” she said, a small laugh from her mouth pulled one from yours, too. “Damn--sorry, it just--felt like a good option.”

“It would be,” you said. “Typically.”

She was quiet for a second. “Is it his?”

You shrugged, staring at the shade of dark red polish on your nails. “Has to be, right?”

“You haven’t had sex with anyone else?” 

She asked as if she didn’t know. You shook your head. 

She sighed. “That, uh, that makes it a bigger deal.”

“I know--I don’t even--what am I supposed to do? Call him up and tell him? I don’t even have his number.”

“Maybe we should call Glenne.”

“No!” You said quickly, shaking your head with force. “Don’t bring her into it yet. She’ll just tell Jeff and I need to figure shit out first.”

Lexi bit her lip, torn between the two options. She’d known Glenne since they were kids, they grew up down the street from each other in Sherman Oaks and when they got drunk enough, they tried to remember the super secret handshake they’d made up in the 8th grade. 

You’d met Glenne plenty of times in college, especially after Lexi became a more permanent fixture in your life. You’d met Lexi at resident assistant training the fall of your sophomore year, but you still had no clue how adults trusted her to be in charge of eighteen students each semester. 

The party was at Glenne’s house--the one she shared with her boyfriend Jeff. You’d met him a handful of times, too, but you typically opted out of the dinner parties or cocktail hours that Lexi invited you to. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t like her friends. They’d always been nice and welcoming, but being the one person not involved in the entertainment industry normally left you feeling like the odd man out. 

What's the latest at Facebook? They’d ask, gathered around a table with wine glasses in hand. 

You’d give them the update, tell them about whatever marketing campaign you’d been working on or whatever new feature you’d helped with, but the conversation always made it’s way back to music or acting or something in between. 

Glenne worked for Apple Music in artist relations, her boyfriend for a prominent artist management firm. Lexi MacMillan, a self-proclaimed B-list actress in a new Netflix series, fit right into their world of Teslas and hedge fund investments. 

She never liked to admit that she came from money, and she was more than humble about the uneven split in your rent or the fact that she often paid for groceries. Your salary at Facebook was good--more than a lot of your other friends who had graphic design and marketing degrees, but it was small in comparison to the type of money the rest of them were pulling in. 

“Well she’s gonna be the easiest way to get in touch with him.”

“I know,” you waved a hand and took a seat at the island. “Just, not yet. I mean, don’t you think I’ll need proof? I can’t just show up on his doorstep and say: ‘hey, remember me? I’m your manager’s girlfriend’s friend’s friend and we had sex one time at your house in late April and now I’m pregnant?’”

She stifled a laugh, nodding as if it was a good idea, her tone completely serious. “I mean personally I would love to see you do that.”

“Well, I’m not,” you said firmly. “There must be rules for this type of shit. I don’t know the etiquette.”

“You mean the baby mamma etiquette?”

You shot her a look, narrowed eyes before you let your forehead rest on the counter, a groan from your lips. “My life is over, Lexi--this is seriously the worse thing that can happen.”

She brought the beer bottle up to her lips to take a swig. “Which is why we should call Glenne.”

“I have to go to the doctor first, okay? That way we don’t stir up any shit without really knowing if they’re right or not.” You motioned over your shoulder to the test you’d left behind on the bathroom counter. The other, from earlier, was still in the side pocket of your work bag. 

Lexi nodded, brown eyes with a new shade of sympathy. 

**

A woman bounced her baby on her knee, big blue eyes looked up at the two of you, nervous and caving inward in the waiting room chairs. 

“Do they all stare like that?” Lexi leaned over and whispered, her gaze fixed on the tiny human beside you. 

“I don’t know,” you said quickly, hoping she wouldn’t make any other remarks. She didn’t--quickly distracted by the nurse who called your name and greeted you both with a smile.

“Y/N?” 

You stood, walked forward and ignored the nervousness in your stomach. Lexi was following behind, she’d been positive and upbeat in the car as if heading over to the gynecologist for what you’d both been referring to as a legit test was a typical Wednesday morning errand. 

“Are you her partner?” The nurse smiled over at her when she pointed at a chair in the hallway for you to sit in. She wrapped the blood pressure cuff around your arm when Lexi pulled her head back. 

“No, just her roommate.”

“Just my roommate,” you nodded, repeating her words as if that’d ease the tension in your muscles. 

The nurse smiled, scribbled a few numbers on a post-it and before handing you a small, plastic cup. You disappeared into the bathroom and realized you’d never thought so much about pee in your entire life. When you were done, you walked back to the small room that the same nurse pointed you towards to find Lexi in the small visitor’s chair beside the paper-lined exam table.

She looked up quickly, a life-like plastic uterus was in her hands. “I maybe broke it.”

“Put it down,” you ordered, rolling your eyes at her childlike curiosity. “Let’s just get in and get out, okay?”

“Knock knock!” A voice from the doorway, Laura Weston, red hair and blue eyes. Her white coat covered a pink blouse, one that matched the color of blush on her cheeks. “Good to see you, Y/N--who’s this?”

Lexi extended her hand and smiled. “Lexi MacMillan, roommate and moral support, nice to meet you.”

“So I hear there’s a possibility of pregnancy?” Dr. Weston sat down on a rolling stool, picked up the chart on the counter and flipped through some pages. She closed it, waited a second, and offered a smile when you didn’t answer. “How are you doing?”

You nodded, licked at your lips, and then met her gaze. “Been better.”

You’d been seeing Dr. Weston for a while--you found her card in the health services building on campus during your Freshman year. Now, a whole seven years later, her smile was a calming presence in a moment of fear and uncertainty. 

“Well, note says you’ve taken two tests, and they were both positive?”

You nodded again. “Just a drugstore brand, though. I don’t know how accurate they are.”

She tilted her head side to side, lifted her shoulders a bit when she rolled towards the counter. “They’re good enough--we’re running the urine sample now and that’ll give a good idea, too. Would you like to do a blood test to be sure?”

“Yeah,” you said. “Let’s do that.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “I’ll have Justine order that for the lab downstairs.” She produced a paper wheel diagram, the colors of the rainbow seemed to distinguish different parts of a typical menstrual cycle. “When was your last period?”

Lexi handed over your phone. “April, the middle of the month. I was due eight days ago.” You pulled up the app that now seemed like less of a friend and more of a source of shame. You were proud of how well you knew your cycle. You could typically tell when you were ovulating, knew enough about your PMS symptoms to know what to expect. 

“And do you know when the possible date of conception was?”

“April 18th,” a tinge of red on your cheeks. “That’s the only possibility.”

So sure, maybe you weren’t the most sexually active human on the planet. Maybe you were slightly embarrassed that the first time you had sex in a good eleven months resulted in a possible pregnancy. 

She scribbled something on a piece of paper, just like the nurse had. A knock on the door that Dr. Weston had shut behind her. The same nurse delivered another post-it note. Pink this time, not blue like before. Dr. Weston took it in her hands and then looked up at you, an unreadable look on her face when the nurse quietly left the room.

“That urine sample read positive, too.”

You didn’t mean to do it again, but another shaky breath left your mouth and Lexi was on her feet, a hand rubbing your back in an attempt to comfort. You wiped at your face, feeling guilty for the outburst of emotion. 

Plenty of people wished and hoped and prayed for this moment. They dreamed about it and tried for years to have this moment. And you’d been stupid enough to stumble your way into it. Ahead of schedule, unprepared, and unplanned. 

“I’ll order the bloodwork and you can do that on your way out--just to be sure. But take some time and when that result comes back we can talk about some options.”

You nodded--her words were a jumble of sounds that you couldn’t really comprehend. She offered a smile and left the two of you alone, Lexi still standing beside you.

“Let’s go do the bloodwork, okay? We can get ice cream when we’re finished!” 

You nodded, wiping your cheeks again before hopping down from the table. You knew she’d keep her word. 

**

The sunny California sky and a cone of soft-serve from McDonald’s made the afternoon somewhat better. You worked from home and went to bed exhausted, almost feeling detached from reality. 

You talked with Lexi that night about having Glenne over for dinner. It’d been a few weeks since you’d seen her, drinks after work one night to celebrate Lexi’s show getting signed for a second season. So when she knocked on the door of your apartment the next evening, Lexi opened it with a big smile. 

“Hi, hi,” she said, opening her arms in greeting. “Look at your beautiful face,” she pinched Glenne’s cheek between her thumb and forefinger. 

Glenne laughed and pushed her hand away, leaning around Lexi’s shoulder to see you in the kitchen. “She’s high already?”

“No,” you laughed, “she just loves you.”

Glenne made her way past her friend, offering you a hug before she set her purse on the counter. She’d always been so poised--perfect, clear skin, hair that was always flawlessly colored and cut. She took a seat on one of the stools and put her chin in her hands, “please tell me you have margarita mix.”

Lexi laughed, rounding the kitchen counter and heading for the fridge. “Oh, do we!”

“Tacos are on the way,” you said, reaching for glasses from above the sink. 

Mexican was always the go-to. You’d moved in with Lexi after college, and when Glenne ended up living only a short drive away, take-out became a regular reason for a get together. 

“How’s life?” Glenne stared up at you. “I’ve been so busy which is why I had to cancel on that movie last week. But--what have you been up to?”

Her question was pointed at you. While you and Glenne were definitely friends, you trusted that she communicated with Lexi a lot more regularly about life updates. 

You cleared your throat, ignored the awkward glance that Lexi shot in your direction when she reached for the tequila above the fridge. “Same old, you know. Just work, and stuff.”

Okay, so lying wasn’t a strong suit. You forced a smile and turned to Lexi, hoping she’d jump in with a hilarious story or funny remark. She was too busy lining up the cups, ready to distribute the liquor. 

You looked back to Glenne. “Uh, I wanted to talk to you actually.”

That got Lexi to turn around. Her eyes were wide, lips parted as if she was thinking oh, you’re doing it right now? 

“Remember in April, at that party--” You trailed off, referencing it as if it was ages ago. 

“The album wrap?”

“Yeah, when I, you know, got laid for the first time in a while?”

She laughed, looking up at you with an amused smile. “Yeah?”

Glenne had been the most excited about your rendezvous that evening. When she’d first introduced you the two of you, she made your promise you wouldn’t get all weird around him. Apparently people did that. You laughed it off and tried to ignore him at the other end of the dinner table--an Italian restaurant in Studio City for her birthday last fall. He showed up twenty minutes late.

Lexi was still now, tequila on the counter, she wore nothing but a pair of shorts and a tube top in the afternoon heat. Glenne was impatient, the smile fading from her face when you broke eye contact with her for a second. 

She tilted her head to the side. “What? You’re freaking me out.”

“I’m, uh, I’m actually pregnant.”

Quiet. Outside the windows, the setting sun illuminated a hazy Los Angeles dusk. Kids swam in a pool at the house next door, their laughter was muffled through the sliding door out to your patio. It felt strange to say it like that. Up until this morning, the word possibly had been sprinkled in, a safe and reassuring disclaimer. 

“You’re joking,” she said, readjusting in her seat, the color drained from her tan skin.

You swallowed. “I’m not.”

She looked over to Lexi, then brought her gaze back to you. “And you’re saying it’s his?”

You rolled your eyes a little. “He’s literally the only person I’ve had sex with in the last year.” Lexi came over to the counter to stand beside you. She leaned forward and rested her elbows on the smooth granite. Glenne just stared at you, still in disbelief.

“I took two home tests on Tuesday and went to the doctor yesterday.” 

What you didn’t tell her is that you cried this morning when the email came through, new test results available from Dr. Weston’s office! Positive. Both the urine and the blood test. There was no denying it now--even if you wanted to. 

“Holy fuck,” she said. “Holy fucking shit. This is not good, you guys.”

“Don’t, Glenne,” Lexi stood back up and shook her head, making a face at her friend. “She’s already freaked the fuck out and she won’t stop fucking crying, okay? She doesn’t need you to add to that.”

You tried to swallow the emotion now, heat to your cheeks when Glenne rolled her eyes.

“I’m not trying to add to it--I’m just--I have no clue how they’ll take that.”

You knew who she was referring to. His team. The people around him who’d made sure, for all this time, that something like this never happened. 

She let out a sigh and looked up at you again. She stood from her seat and rounded the counter. “I’m sorry--I just--are you okay? How are you feeling?” She hugged you, it felt more obligatory than genuine. “You haven’t told him, have you? Does he know?! Jeff doesn’t know!”

“No--you two are the only people who know. I haven’t even told my mom.”

Glenne’s arms still encircled you, Lexi stepped over and hugged you both, a kitchen group hug. “This means more tequila for us, Glenney.”

“You’re fucked up,” she laughed in response, pulling away and looking at Lexi. 

It was quiet for a second, that was Lexi’s cue to make them both a margarita. Glenne went to sit back down, immediately going into business mode when she clasped her hands on top of the counter.

She took a deep breath, you were unsure if that was for your benefit or her own. “So--okay. Where are you at with it all?”

“Are you asking if I’m, like, excited? I am not excited. This is not how my life is supposed to go.”

“Oh enough with the plan, will you?” Lexi rolled her eyes and poured the liquor into two matching glasses, nonchalance lacing her voice. 

“Well forgive me for ideally wanting to find a partner before having a baby,” you shot back at her. 

“That’s not what I mean,” she turned around. “It’s just--I dunno, dude, you’re always so hard on yourself if something doesn’t go according to the plan. I get it--this is a big one, but, stressing over your plan isn’t gonna help.”

Glenne nodded, almost reluctant to side with Lexi. “I’ve heard about the plan. You are obsessed with the plan.”

“I’m not obsessed with it,” you retorted. “I just have a good sense of how I want my life to go.”

Had. You changed the verb tense in your mind. You had a good sense, until now. 

“Well, are you...gonna keep it?” Glenne’s question was innocent, her eyes searched your face as soon as the words left her mouth, she looked nervous, like she didn’t know if it was okay to ask.

A tired voice. “I don’t know,” you shook your head. “I haven’t even thought that far.”

She nodded. “You have to tell him. Have you even talked to him at all since then?”

“No,” you laughed. “It was only, like, a month ago.”

“He didn’t text or call?” she pulled her head back in surprise.

You shrugged. “No. I wasn’t expecting that. Why? Did he mention me?”

“It came up once or twice, yeah.”

“With who?”

“With me and Jeff--and Lexi.”

You turned to your roommate, narrowed eyes when she delivered the drinks. You knew she’d seem him once since then--a brunch one morning before Glenne left town for business. 

“I told you about it--he just said you were nice and that we should all hang out,” she mimicked his accent, earning a laugh from Glenne.

“That wasn’t the first time you met him, though, right?” Glenne pulled the glass to her lips, took a sip and then made a face. “Jesus, strong enough?”

“I figured you might need it since your boyfriend is about to be hella upset.”

“Thank you, thanks for that,” you made a face at her. “But no--” you turned back to Glenne to answer her question. “I met him at your birthday party last year--in Studio City.”

“Right,” she nodded. The doorbell rang and Lexi went to greet the delivery person, or, more so, the tacos. 

“But listen, you can’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t even know what I’m gonna do yet.”

She closed her eyes, made a face that told you it was going to be hard to keep her mouth shut. You leaned forward and lowered your voice, hoping to convey how serious this was. “Give me a few days to just--to talk to him first.”

She dropped your gaze, bit at her lip. You knew it was a big ask. Don’t tell your boyfriend something that is about to make his life a living hell. 

“Please, Glenne.”

She let out a long sigh, one that sounded like it was slowly deflating her lungs, tired and unsure. “Fine,” she said. “But you’ve got to get in touch with him then--like, soon.”

You nodded, Lexi reappeared from the front door with a box in her hands and a smile on her face. “Okay--two for each of us and plenty of guac to go around.”

“So,” Glenne pursed her lips. “Need his phone number?”

**

It felt like one of those dreams you couldn’t wake up from. Like a cloud that looms over the city when everyone is dying for a sunny day. 

You ignored the two phone calls from your mom you got in the span of three days--quick to text her some excuse about work or being busy with something at home. It felt too soon to tell her. You didn’t even know what he’d say or what he’d think or do or feel and the last thing you wanted to do was get a bunch of people involved in this before you even knew what to expect. 

There were a few options, in terms of what his response might be. Glenne had continued to prep you that night in your kitchen, the more margaritas in her the more she accepted that she was now complicit. In moments it felt normal, laughing and talking and then watching a stupid youtube video of some kid falling off of skateboard. 

But when you went to bed and then woke up, realizing that no amount of sleep would change the current predicament, you decided that maybe it was time to get in touch with him. 

You had no clue when or how or where. Over text? On the phone? Lexi agreed that was too impersonal. Out to dinner? Too public. In person? Terrifying, and possibly not an option. 

The truth was that you didn’t know him. He was someone who happened to be friends with your friend. Nothing more, nothing less. At least, that’s what you told yourself when you saw a billboard on the side of the 405 with his face on it. 

So you didn’t know if he’d even want to see you--he might consider you an acquaintance or even a stranger and maybe he had no desire to ever speak to you again.

You went about work and life as if everything was normal. You showered and brushed your teeth and took solace in knowing that whatever form of life was inside you was so tiny that it could just as well be a blip on the radar. 

A story in the future of hey, remember that time, when you were, and then it...

Plenty of people got pregnant and lost it, not even knowing until it was too late. You weren’t sure if you were wishing for that, in all honesty, but you knew that the alternative felt too overwhelming to think of right now. 

But when you found yourself sitting outside in the courtyard on your lunch break, a search typed into the app store for pregnancy tracker, you figured that maybe it was time to bite the bullet. If you were starting to think in terms of what size fruit a baby is at any given stage, maybe it was time to loop him in. 

You pulled up your text thread with Glenne--scrolled up past a meme and a recipe she’d sent you, until you found his name and number. You clicked it once, create new message. 

You stared at the blank bubble. A thousand words and a thousand choices of what to say and how to say it. With a rush of adrenaline, you exited out. Clicked the number again, call now. 

It rang. Three times. Then voicemail. A deep breath, you stood from the bench and started to pace. 

Beep. “Hey, uh, this is Y/N--uh, Y/N L/N. Lexi MacMillan’s roommate. I hope you’ve been well since I saw you, and, yeah--maybe we could get dinner or something soon. My number is--the one I’m calling on, so, I know you’re probably really busy right now, that’s fine. Just, uh, yeah, would love to talk with you. Okay, bye.”

You pulled the phone away from your face and wanted to throw it into the bushes. Would love to talk with you? That didn’t exactly do it justice. 

You let out a breath and clicked it to sleep, hoping that maybe it’d get lost in translation and you’d never have to talk to him or see him or think of him ever again. 

Something told you that wasn’t very likely. 

You went back inside and finished up the day of work, thankful for distraction from Aarav when he found you in the lounge. 

“Did you see the request that Carson sent?” He dropped his laptop on the coffee table and headed for the vending machine nearby. “Not to sound like a dick, but, he’s out of touch with reality. I’m concerned about him at this point.”

“Why?” You laughed, “cause he doesn’t understand that we can’t deliver a whole project with only two hours to do it?”

“Exactly,” he leaned down to reach for the bag of popcorn it spit out. “Hopefully he just fucking leaves and goes to fucking Tinder--he could even go to the Instagram department, for all I care.”

“Levi hates him anyway--pretty sure he regrets hiring him.”

He came to sit next to you and then opened the bag, putting his feet up on the glass table in front of you. “Yeah, well, Levi’s out of here as soon as he gets something with Apple.”

You smirked over at your favorite coworker, knowing exactly what was coming out of his mouth next. 

“And then you’ll get promoted. Much deserved, the queen of saving my ass.”

You brushed your hair off your shoulder playfully. “You’re welcome.”

He cleared his throat, opened up his laptop. “Levi’s great--but if you’re my boss, I’m working remotely two days a week instead of one.”

“We’ll see about that,” you said, giving him the side eye when you looked back to your screen.

You fell into comfortable silence--grateful for the change of scenery from your office that was far enough away from Aarav and Simone, the two people who made work feel like fun. So you got back to the project, sent your designs to Carson when you finished, and prayed that he wouldn’t have a fit over the fact that you didn’t take his advice on using the Aileron font instead of Arimo.

He emailed you, eventually, but you didn’t have time to read it. As soon as it opened on your screen, your phone rang--a Los Angeles area code appeared on the screen and you felt your stomach drop to the floor. You looked over at Aarav. “Sorry--I, uh, I have to get this.”

You stepped away, leaving him on the sofa with your laptop, hand still deep in his bag of popcorn. You swiped across the screen, brought the phone to your ear. “Hello?”

“Hi, uh, Y/N? It’s Harry.”

__

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

author’s note: Y’ALL. I’m back. As if starting a new story literally DAYS after I finish one isn’t crazy, here I am. Come talk to me and let me know your thoughts or your theories because THIS ONE is gonna be a wild ride. 

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry @stylesfics-xx @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila

[relaxedreptile]

Mend

Pairing: Hyunjin X Reader

Swearing. Jealousy. Mentions of a breakup.

A/N: This idea sort of just... came to me a few days ago and I busted this out. It’s a bit heavier and more angsty than I wanted, but I hope you all like it! 

I’m still working on a very long piece for Hyunjin and a few more requests in my asks, please look forward to what’s coming!

Also, what do you all think of GO LIVE? Personally, I’ve had it on repeat since it came out!

Stay cool.

-

“Hey! I know we planned on hanging out tonight but Changbin and I are kind of on a roll here with this song of ours and the deadline is only in a couple days so we’re really desperate to keep this going and-“

“And you won’t be coming home to watch a horror movie with me?”

“Or a cheesy rom-com, we never really decided.”

You and Chan were best friends. After showing up to your first day at your shared university, Chan was introduced to you as your tour guide during freshman orientation. While everyone else in your group hung back and anxiously glanced around at the foreign environment, you and Chan instantly hit it off and continued a conversation at the front of the crowd for the entire tour. 

He told you about growing up in Australia and his love for music (you tried to hide your giggle when he mentioned him and his friends’ Soundcloud endeavors) whereas you talked about all the classes you were taking and your dream career.

Meeting Chan took a lot of pressure off of your shoulders when it came to starting at a new school and embarking on a new stage of your life. Not only did he restore your faith in nice people still existing, but he gave you advice on teachers, told you the best places to hit up for snacks during a late night study session, and you got to meet all of his friends.

You got to meet Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was your age, two years younger than Chan, and one of Chan’s honorary brothers. They met through Minho, another boy in the group, who was partnering with Hyunjin on choreography and went to Chan for music to use. 

Honestly, you’d be surprised if anyone met your eight stray boys and didn’t want to get close to them; their charm is hard to resist.

And, unfortunately for you, so is Hyunjin’s.

You occasionally saw each other when the nine of you hung out as a group, greeting each other upon arrivals and exits, waving when you saw each other on campus. Soon, that grew into you guys gravitating towards each other at hangouts (sitting next to each other and sharing a bowl of popcorn on movie night, stepping out for fresh air together during one of Jisung’s big parties) and making plans on your own without the rest of the boys. It was no surprise to the rest of the group when Seungmin called you while you were on your first official date with Hyunjin and had to explain what you were doing (and why you would have to hear about how annoying Jisung was being at another time).

You and Hyunjin’s relationship, despite your fears, didn’t disrupt the dynamic of your friend group. Splitting your guys’ time between dates and takeout dinners with the boys was easy and your lives almost barely changed once you became official.

Which was the problem.

While behind closed doors you and Hyunjin were as “lovey-dovey” as they come (“get a room, you two!”), the rest of your college campus just saw you two as the best friends you had been for the months between meeting and getting together.

It left a sour taste in your mouth every time someone asked if you could hook them up with Hyunjin and it was like a punch to Hyunjin’s throat every time someone made a suggestive comment about how you looked that day in front of him.

It was what eventually broke you guys up, all the jealousy and occasional bickering over people who were “just friends”. You two were the only people on each other’s radar through and through, but insecurity is a powerful thing.

It was a rough breakup. You didn’t leave your room for a full 29 hours (Jeongin timed it) and finally walked out with a tear-streaked face and hoodie (that may or may not have been Hyunjin’s). 

Hyunjin poured everything he was feeling into his dancing and his performance at your university’s end-of-year showcase almost had you tearing up all over again; everyone was moved by Hyunjin’s choreography, but you were the only person in the audience who knew the whole story and therefore, felt it the most. 

The slight distance between you and all the boys that summer after your freshman year had ended had worked to ease some of the lingering tension between you and your ex-boyfriend. The two of you were able to grow back into a friendship once the new fall semester reunited the nine of you but things could never really go back to the way they used to be, regardless of the presence or absence of romance.

That didn’t stop either of you from staying close to the other boys and you and Chan were still as inseparable as ever. He was hard at work right now, trying to wrap up his and Changbin’s senior project (Jisung is still pissed that he isn’t allowed to help), but you two had decided to hangout tonight to make up for Chan’s busy schedule.

“Are you sure you won’t be back anytime soon? I can wait,” your tone was pleading.

You could hear Chan talking, but it was too muffled to make out what he was saying; you figured he was speaking to Changbin.

“Tomorrow’s the only day of the week that Changbin doesn’t have an 8-am, so he wants to stay here no matter what but all of our work is on my laptop and I kind of need that tomorrow for my 8-am but he probably won’t be awake early enough to-”

“You owe me, Christopher.” You only ever used his English name to tease him. This way, he would know you weren’t actually mad, even if your disappointment was genuine. 

You hung up while Chan was mid-apology, shooting him a quick test saying you “got it” with a couple of hearts.

Your phone was left discarded on Chan’s kitchen counter as you munched on a piece of pizza; you had made it to Chan’s apartment about fifteen minutes before he called and you weren’t really in a rush to go back to your small stuffy dorm room and loud roommate.

Chan lived in an apartment off-campus with Changbin and Jisung which acted as an unofficial go-to for your friend group; one of you was usually sleeping on the couch, taking advantage of the insanely fast WiFi, or clearing out their fridge regardless of the actual owners were home.

This was the reason why you didn’t look up from your sad dinner when you heard the front door open, assuming it was just a pouty Jisung or hungry Felix.

However, the voice that greeted you was neither as animated as Jisung’s nor deep as Felix’s.

“Y/N?”

The final piece of the crust almost got stuck in your throat.

You hummed a response, still chewing and starting to formulate an escape plan.

“Is Changbin here? He left his notebook at my place and I think there are some lyrics in it, he told me to drop by to give it to him.”

You gaped at Hyunjin, surprised at how similar your situations were. Your explanation of what Chan had said was quick, hoping it would get Hyunjin out of the apartment as soon as possible.

It’s not that you didn’t want to be around Hyunjin, it’s just that you two hadn’t hung out alone since your breakup and the two of you hanging out together in this apartment at this counter was a little too familiar.

“Do you mind if I wait with you, then? I’ve barely eaten all day and this pizza smells a little too good to ignore.”

He was already seated in the stool next to yours before you could get a word out. You nodded anyway, though, and pushed the stack of paper-thin napkins the pizza place had given you between the two of you.

“Have Chan or Changbin showed you the song so far?” Hyunjin said with a mouthful of cheese and tomato sauce.

Even while eating he looked perfect; his lips glistened with the oil from the pizza slice in his hands and anyone could admire his toned forearms thanks to the way he pushed up his sleeves to avoid staining.

“No, but I haven’t even bothered asking,” you told him, “I figured they were keeping everything top-secret until the showcase.”

“I tried bringing them some food the other day before class and Changbin basically shoved me back out the door,” Hyunjin giggled. “The same thing happened to Jeongin, apparently.”

“If they could resist Yang Jeongin what chance do I have?” You joked.

Except, Hyunjin didn’t laugh, he was completely silent; even his chewing had stopped. You couldn’t think much of it, the boy next to you snapped out of it quickly.

“I keep forgetting that they won’t be here next year.”

They, Chan and Changbin and Minho, the three seniors in your friend group. 

“I’ve been avoiding thinking about it,” you admitted. “I’m mostly worried for Jisung, honestly, he’s losing his best friend and his group-mates all in one year.”

This was partly true. Jisung’s best friend, Minho, was indeed graduating along with 2/3 of 3RACHA, but you weren’t worried about Jisung having to adjust to the change. It was actually Hyunjin you worried for the most; he was the most sensitive person in your friend group and tended to be apprehensive towards change. Not seeing three of your favorite boys around campus was going to be hard for all remaining six of you, but Hyunjin was terrified of being left behind or replaced. 

“But… but they’ll still be living here!” You quickly added, gesturing to the apartment the two of you were in. “They’ll still be here with us, really.”

“I’m going to have to find a new partner,” Hyunjin tried masking his sadness with a weak smile.

Your instincts kicked in, making you place a gentle hand on Hyunjin’s arm. You stroked your thumb back and forth along his sweatshirt, hoping he could feel the comforting gesture underneath all the fabric.

“Didn’t Felix tell you? He’s planning on switching his major after this year! He wants to go into dance, too.”

Hyunjin turned his body to face yours, your hand losing its grip and falling back down to your side.

“He’s changing his focus at the end of sophomore year?” 

You shrugged. “It was his last chance to do it. You know how much he hated finance.”

Hyunjin nodded. “He only kept up with that for as long as he did for his parents; I’m glad he finally has the chance to do what he’s always wanted to.”

You were in agreement there; Felix had finally prioritized his own happiness.

“And this way you don’t have to worry about a new partner!” You tried sounding hopeful, knowing that while Felix would be a healthy addition to the dance department at your university, Hyunjin would take losing Minho hard; he was basically his mentor.

“And… and I’ll still be here. When-If you need me.”

The two of you locked eyes. Fear rose up your spine, chilling your skin and leaving a trail of goosebumps.

With a flash of his pretty smile, Hyunjin instantly calmed your nerves.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

You cocked your head to the side, not sure what Hyunjin was getting at. 

He turned away quickly, starting to fidget with the pretty rings on his pretty fingers. 

“With Chan leaving and all.”

“Oh. I mean… I’ll obviously miss him like everyone else, but he won’t be too far away. As long as he gives me my movie nights I’ll manage.” You joked.

Hyunjin glanced back up at you, his eyebrows slightly scrunched in thought.

“Was this a date?”

You visibly jumped back into your seat. “What?”

“For you and Chan.”

“Oh. Wait, what?”

The boy in front of you got up off his stool, walked a few steps away from you, crossed his arms and stopped.

“I thought you two were a thing now. You had always been so close and I thought… since we… after I… I figured you guys would’ve made it official by now.”

“Hyunjin… Chan and I are just friends.” What had gotten into him? “That’s all we’ve ever been.”

“Are you sure?” Hyunjin’s voice was getting louder, his fists getting tighter.

You opened your mouth to respond with a little attitude, but Hyunjin beat you to it.

“I know you weren’t planning on finishing this pizza all by yourself and people don’t usually go on movie dates,” he scowled while saying the words, “alone.”

“I never called it a date, you’re the one who started using that word.”

“Well, what else am I supposed to think? When you and I started spending time together without the other guys we were dating within weeks and you and Chan have always been basically inseparable-”

“Is that what this is actually about?”

“-and it doesn’t help that you always wear his sweatshirts around now or crash at his place all the time. You’re practically throwing it in my face-”

“There’s nothing to throw in your face, Hyunjin.”

“-that I’ve been replaced!”

Hyunjin regretted the word as soon as it left his pretty lips. He started blinking quickly and licking his lips, anything to distract him and keep him from running his mouth again.

“Replaced?” You repeated. “I… I haven’t… I’m not trying to replace you, Hyunjin.”

Silence.

“All eight of you guys have your own place in my life, they can shift and change regardless of what the other ones are doing. And, frankly, you’re making it sound like I’m just trying to check all of you off of a list, as if I’m here solely to get with you guys at one point or another.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Hyunjin said quickly. “It’s just… all I do is think about us and what we had whenever I see you. And right now, I see Chan in the same places that I used to be and it hurts. It really fucking hurts!”

Hyunjin’s eyes were wet, the dim kitchen light reflecting off the trails down his cheeks.

“I thought I would be able to deal with the breakup better if we kept our distance but when summer ended and we came back… all of a sudden, the spots next to you on the couch were always already taken, you were already partnered with someone else in class before I could even get halfway to your seat, I felt… I feel like you don’t need me anymore, that I’m a random leftover piece next to a puzzle that’s already finished.”

You forced yourself not to point out how these fears that both of you shared were what pushed your relationship to its breaking point. Now wasn’t the time.

“I thought that the distance was best for both of us,” you started. “But… I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, miss what we had. I miss you, Hyunjin, I miss us. We were friends before we started dating and I thought that that meant it was possible for us to revert back to that stage in our relationship but every joke you made or smile you gave me just kept my feelings for you right where they were.”

You got up slowly, inching towards the sniffling boy.

“Of course I still need you,” you whispered, “I want you in my life.”

Your arms wrapped around the neck of the boy you loved, pulling him close into your body as your shared tears left their mark on your clothes. 

“There’s always a space for you when it comes to me, whether or not that’s a good thing. You don’t have to compete with anyone for my time or love.”

You both knew you weren’t just speaking about Chan or even the rest of your friend group but also the people around campus and in the city who had caused such an insecurity to grow within both of you.

“We have a lot to work on, don’t we? If this is going to work?”

You didn’t answer, you couldn’t, you just squeezed Hyunjin tighter to give yourself the courage you knew you would need in preparation for what would come with the future.

The future with Hyunjin by your side.

[matrixaffiliate]

Venture

New Story! FFN and AO3

I found this Twitter thread from a December a couple years back while scrolling through Tumblr a while ago and decided it needed to be a Christmas story. You can find the link to that Twitter thread here.

This is my last story for 2020 my friends. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year! Next year I'm working on an original novel, so my fanfiction output is probably going to decrease a small bit. But don't worry, I'm still here and there will always be fanfiction to be written. =)

Venture

Ginny handed the only customer of the night his coffee and turned back to cleaning the counter, dancing a little as Jingle Bells played over the audio system.

"Any big plans for Christmas?" Harry asked as he refilled the napkin holders.

"I'm catching the train home on the 23rd." Ginny snuck a glimpse at Harry and hid her smile by looking down at the counter. Why did he have to be so fit? Why did he also have to be such a decent bloke? And why did she have to spend the last six months noticing everything he did? She was bordering on pathetic.

"That should be fun." Harry leant up against the counter, shoving his hand in his hair and Ginny wondered what it would feel like to run her fingers through his hair and over his shoulders, and…

"Will you be back for Boxing Day?" Harry interrupted her train of thought and Ginny swore she saw laughter in his eyes.

"I have Boxing Day off, so I'll catch one of the evening trains home." Ginny hoped that the heat she felt in her face wasn't visible.

"How did you manage to get three days in a row off?" Harry looked jealous. "I only got Christmas Eve and Christmas off because the boss closes down anyway."

"I've worked here longer than you have," Ginny smirked at him. It was true, she'd been working at this little independent coffee shop since her first year at university. Harry had only joined this summer because he couldn't find an internship for the semester.

"Favoritism," Harry tsked and shook his head. "How is anyone expected to move up the ladder of this coffee shop when they're up against Ginny Weasley?"

Ginny laughed and tossed her rag at him. "What about you? Any plans for Christmas?"

"My folks live reasonably close. Dad is going to pick me up on the 23rd after my shift and then bring me back Christmas night."

"Sounds like fun," Ginny caught the rag as Harry tossed it back to her.

"Asked for anything special this year?"

Ginny twisted the rag around her hands and contemplated something she'd spent the last month trying to decide on; if she wanted to tell Harry how she'd been harboring a growing fancy for him since he started working here.

"Gin?" His green eyes met hers and he smiled at her.

"I, er, well, what I want this year I haven't asked for yet."

"But Christmas is next week…?"

Ginny dropped his gaze and looked down at the rag in her hands. She let Baby It's Cold Outside play in the background a moment longer and then summoned her courage.

"Well, you see, I, Harry, we've been working here together for a while, and I, I've come to fancy you, a lot, and, I suppose I want this Christmas to ask if you might fancy me as well?"

Harry was stone silent and Ginny finally chanced a glance up at him. His hand was in his hair and he looked...paralyzed.

"Harry?"

"I, er, I'm going to go in the back and, and think about what to say."

Ginny just nodded as Harry fled.

She wanted to die. Why did she think this was a good idea? Why had she spent all month thinking that Christmas time magic would somehow make a difference in this desperate play to tell Harry how she felt? Why had she ruined everything? They'd never be able to work together now without it being awful and awkward. Gone would be their easy manner. Gone would be the days of trying to coordinate shifts so that she and Harry worked together. Now it would be the opposite.

The patron came and asked for another coffee and Ginny filled it for him robotically. She'd forgot he was there, and now she realized that this man had witnessed her confession and Harry's rejection of it. Lovely.

She had no idea how long she stood behind the counter and stewed. It felt like decades and Ginny would have happily handed over her last paycheck to simply walk away and not come back till the next year.

She heard the door to the back room open and turned to apologize to Harry for her embarrassing confession.

"Harry, I-"

But she stopped as he stepped up to her and brought one of his hands to cup her face while the other slipped around her waist to pull her into him, his lips landing against hers.

Ginny felt like she was flying as she brought her arms around him. His kiss was determined and he held her close to him as he slanted his lips over hers. Ginny could have stayed right there for all eternity and never complained.

When he pulled back, he kept her close to him and rested his forehead against hers. "I didn't want to admit it, mostly to myself, but I've always had a thing for you."

"Really?" Ginny felt like her heart could fly right out of her chest if it wanted to.

Harry nodded against her. "Let's go to the back room for a minute."

Ginny glanced over at their lone patron and was relieved to see he wasn't watching them. Hopefully he hadn't just seen them snogging by the cash register. "Let me make sure he doesn't need anything, then we can get away for a moment."

"Want me to do it?" Harry pulled away to look over at the man as he typed away on his laptop keyboard.

"Nah, I'll get it." Reluctantly, Ginny stepped from Harry's arms and moved to the patron's table, Joy to the World playing as she moved across the room.

"Hi, er, if you don't need anything, we're going to step into the back room for a moment."

The man smiled at her like she had made his entire day better. "I'm just fine, you two go ahead."

"Thanks," Ginny felt the heat in her face again but she wasn't going to stick around to let this bloke change his mind, so she moved back to Harry.

Harry reached for her hand and pulled her into the back room.

"So," Ginny grinned up at him before leaning back against the little counter.

"So," Harry grinned back and moved to rest his hands on her waist. "I'm sorry I needed a moment to pull my head out of my arse." His fingers toyed with her apron strap.

Ginny snaked her arms around his neck and tugged him closer, "The kiss helped with that."

He brought his lips to hers and spoke, "Then maybe I should keep going?"

Ginny smirked against him before deliberately licking her lips, her tongue grazing his in the action. "Yes, you should."

Harry chuckled but quickly closed the quarter of an inch between them. He took Ginny's teasing as an open invitation and ran his tongue along her bottom lip. Ginny sighed into him as she parted her lips. Harry came to stand flush against her, wrapping his arms tightly around her. Ginny tangled her fingers in his hair, nearly swooning when Harry let out a quiet sigh at the action. He pressed his hands into her back and slowly moved to kiss along her jawline to her ear and down her neck.

"I can't believe I kept us from this for six months." Harry murmured into her neck.

Ginny moaned as Harry kissed back up her neck to her ear.

"I kept us from it too," she smiled as he rested his forehead against hers. "I think we both needed to get to know each other first."

"You're probably right," Harry's hands moved back to her waist, his thumbs rubbing along her hip bone. "But I feel like we wasted a lot of opportunities to have been back here snogging."

Ginny laughed and pulled Harry back down to her. "We probably shouldn't be back here for too long."

Harry moved his hand to cup her neck, taking a bit more control of their kiss. "We'll give the bloke out there a free pastry and he'll forget we ever left him alone."

"You're full of good ideas," Ginny grinned as Harry reached his other hand around to untie her apron.

They were in that back room for ten minutes, before both Ginny and Harry agreed they ought to at least pretend like they were working.

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee," Harry interlaced their fingers as they walked back to the front counter.

Ginny laughed, "As long as I can buy you one too."

Harry grabbed cups and fixed them both a coffee.

"Do, do you have plans for Friday?" Harry handed her one of the cups.

Ginny shook her head no and smiled at him.

"Want to grab dinner? Meet up at 6, maybe watch a Christmas movie at my flat after?"

"Yes," Ginny let a small laugh escape her lips, "I'm really glad I told you I fancy you."

"Me too," Harry stepped closer to her and chanced a glance at their only patron before trying to discreetly kiss her.

"Closing time can't get here fast enough," he pulled back and Ginny pulled him closer for one more taste of his coffee tinted lips.

"I'll go give him that pastry," She set her cup down.

"Good idea," Harry chuckled, "Maybe I'll be able to kiss you a bit more if he's got a muffin to distract him."

Ginny laughed and brought one of the muffins over to the poor bloke that had to put up with their drama.

"Hi, this," she set the muffin down next to him, "Is on the house. Thanks for dealing with us."

The man smiled and shook his head, "No, thank you, tonight has restored my faith in humanity."

Ginny felt her cheeks grow hot. "Well, thanks, and happy Christmas."

He nodded her on as she went back to Harry's side, trying to sneak another kiss as she did so.

Harry linked their fingers together. "You know, I think this is the happiest I've been before Christmas since I was a kid."

Ginny grinned up at him, Carol of the Bells playing as she squeezed his hand. "Me too, happy Christmas, Harry."

Harry didn't even try to be discreet as he leant down to kiss her. "Happy Christmas, Gin."

[b-mydarling]

[01] MASCARA

I am still dwelling in self pity over a break up with my super hot ex-boyfriend, Sehun when my best friend decided to give me a replacement mascara to make up for all the loss that I've had from crying over that jackass (as referred by Byun Baekhyun himself) for the past one week. It was a normal gift to be quite honest, but little did I know, that one normal gift is the thing that made me realize just how drop dead gorgeous my best friend is. And to Baekhyun, that three boxes of Fenty Beauty mascara are the same exact thing that have made him realized that even after years, he has never lost his feelings for me.

🍰   pairing: baekhyun x OC

🍰   characters: baekhyun, OC, sehun, yeri, irene

🍰   genre: what else if not FLUFF 😭

🍰   aus: university student! baekhyun, best friends to lovers.

🍰   contains:  Playing with makeup with some cute music as the bgm but   definitely not in this chapter :>

🍰   word count: 3K

― note: this is my first time cross-posting my fictional work on this platform. (I guess), posting this chapter will help me to understand Tumblr's algorithm better 😔✋ oh and fyi, the main idea of this oneshot was actually inspired by my dream 😭😭 Yes, I dreamt of Baekhyun in the midst of a pandemic and during an online semester like I’ve had nothing better to do :)

p/s: let me know if you want to be tagged for the next chapter.

Best friends.

That is the perfect term to describe and explain my relationship with Baekhyun. We used to live in the same apartment complex and his mother used to babysit me while my parents went to work. The babysitting lasted for almost six years (from when I was still a wee child at the age of 7 and until I turned 13) before his family moved to Incheon from Seoul. Even though we didn’t get to meet as often as we used to, our friendship is still intact and growing strong until now, when we are both a university students.

It was fun and easy being friends with Baekhyun. He may be older than me by two years, but I have never mind the fact because befriending Baekhyun was so, so much easier than befriending his little sister, Yeri. Although we are of the same age, I’m not close with Yeri because she used to think that my presence was a nuisance to her family; stealing her one and only brother from her, stealing her mom’s love and affection away from her, and she hated it when her dad brought back matching toys or playset for us to play together. And yes, of course we didn’t play together. To conclude my relationship with Yeri, we don’t hate or loathe each other but we have come to agree with the fact that we just don’t click with each other very well.

Presently, it is a Friday evening and I am laying on the couch at my family house’s living room. I am beat from living off from only few hours of sleep and a lot of coffee for the past two days because I was trying to perfect my assignment that holds 30% weightage for one of the subjects that I’m currently taking as a second year university student majoring in Beauty and Hairdressing studies. And now that I have submitted the assignment, it feels like all the burdens have been lifted from my shoulders and all that I want to do is sleep. I shift a few times on the long couch, trying to find a comfortable position to take a nap. I don’t want to sleep in my room just yet, afraid that my parents might forget to take the house key with them and I don’t hear their knockings if I sleep in my room. That, and I’m just too scared to sleep in my room knowing that I’m all alone in this house. It only feels like a few minutes have passed since I fell asleep before the incessant ringing of my phone wake me up. I grumble in my hazy state and reach for my phone on the coffee table.

“Hello?” I mutter into the phone without even looking at the caller id or even opening my eyes, sleep already calling back to me.

There’s a small chuckle coming from the other side of the line, the caller’s voice so deep and warm; alarming me about who he is. My lips automatically curl to form a smile just by hearing his velvet voice. There’s a few beat of silence before he starts to speak to me. “Did I wake you up from your nap?”

“Yes, yes you did.” I jokingly say with a pout while putting the call on speaker before I put my phone down to sit up from my laying position. “I’m so tired, Sehun. Mrs. Kwon has finally approved of my dreamy makeup look sketching after the fourth consultation. I’ve just submitted the assignment too. But anyway, why are you calling me? Are you done with labs?”

Sehun fakes a cry and says “My poor baby. But hey, at least you’re done with it now, right?” I hum, enjoying the comfort that my boyfriend is giving me. “And yes, I’m done with lab and my basketball practice too.” Sehun says with a teasing voice. “Can you come down for a while, princess? I need to talk to you about something.”

I look at the wall clock and frown. It’s nearly 7pm now and I’m too lazy to change out from my comfortable lounge wear. “Now?”

“Yes, now. I’m already waiting in front of your apartment complex.”

Still feeling lazy to change my clothes, I try my luck again. “Can you come upstairs then, Sehun? My parents are not home yet. They went out to have dinner with my father’s colleague.”

There’s another beat of silence coming from the other side of the line before Sehun sighs into his phone. I couldn’t decipher whether his sigh is rather affectionate or because he’s just tired from a long day at university. But I guess whatever that he’s going to talk to me about is pretty serious from the way he responds to my invitation.

“I can’t do that, baby. I need to tell you something without having to face the possibility of your parents walking in on us and disrupting our privacy. I’m also kinda in a rush to meet my friends later.”

I pout. “Okay, I’ll be down in a few minutes. See you, Sehun.” I say and after receiving a hum from him, I end the call while getting up from the couch and walk to my room to get change into something more appropriate to wear. I choose to wear Sehun’s grey hoodie that he has given me before and a legging. The hoodie is two times bigger than my own size so it’s really comfortable too. I grab my phone and lock the door before going down. Once I arrive down at the lobby, I can already see Sehun’s parked car a few metres from the apartment’s entrance. I walk closer to his Audi and knock softly on the window. Sehun is busy playing game on his phone that he gets startled by my soft knocking. He then unlocks his car and I get into the passenger seat next to him.

“Hi,” Sehun smiles at me and scans my face, his head tilting bit by bit the more he spends his time analyzing my countenance. Sehun then crinkles his nose. “Damn baby, you really look super exhausted. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s okay since I need to wait for my parents to come home too.” My reply is cut short because my mind is being clouded with the smell of freshly baked dessert in his car. I turn half of my body in Sehun’s direction before I turn my head to look at his back seat. I see that there’s a white transparent box of brownies from the bakery that I frequently go to and a big bouquet of my favourite red and pink roses. I turn my head back to look at Sehun and grin up at him. “Are those for me?”

Sehun grins back at me before he takes my hand into his big one. “Of course those are for my favourite girl. You can even share the brownies with your parents too.” His other hand stretches behind him to grab both the flower bouquet and the box of brownies before he places them in my lap.

“These are my present for you because you have been such an amazing girlfriend for me for the past six months. Now, let me talk about the thing that I have wanted to tell you.”

Sehun has broken up with me.

Before this, it only took him 15 minutes to gather his courage to express and explain his feelings for me and now, it only took him 10 minutes to tell me that he wants to break up with me. Because apparently, his basketball coach has strictly forbidden him and the rest of his teammates from dating to ensure that their performance will not be affected if anything were to happen to the relationship. It was an absurd reasoning, I know that. But how can I not agree when Sehun has reasoned with me so well. He is on a full basketball scholarship so he must give his very best to basketball and to his major studies too. So yes, I agreed to break things up with him (although a part of me is hoping that we could still work things out).

After I went back to my house, I just sat idly on the couch thinking about what have just happened. There are three thoughts that are currently running through my minds and I could not just brush away this three facts:

 My hot and athletic boyfriend has broken up with me.

 I still love him

Should I wait for the both of us to graduate so we can be together again? But that will take two more years.

My parents came home at half past nine in the evening with take-out food for me. I only thanked my parents and proceed to eat my dinner in silence before asking for their permission so that I can leave for my room first. I even told them that they can eat the brownies on the coffee table because I don’t feel like eating it. As a result, my parents got worried over me because they could sense that something is wrong with me and Sehun from looking at the abandoned bouquet of roses and the box of brownies on the coffee table.

Now that I’m all alone in my bedroom, the realization just hit me like a bullet train. I feel suffocated. I feel restless. I feel like there is nothing else that is worse than this breakup. But boy I was wrong, there is something that is even worse than this shitty feeling that I’m having right now.

Because at half past 10 pm, my phone gets bombarded with a lot of messages and screenshots from my close friends in university. And the content of the messages were all the same, two screenshots of Irene’s latest instagram stories with one of it being a picture of hers and a man’s legs on a bed, watching Netflix together and the other picture being the same exact white box of brownies and a bouquet of red and pink roses like what I have gotten earlier. The caption in the story was:

“First date. Thank you, my sweet boy @oohsehun”

And that was the exact moment when I feel like the world has crashed on me. I feel like I could not breathe with all this new information that I just get. I need to save my sanity and I need to see the person who understands me better than anyone else. I hurriedly change my clothes before telling my parents that I need to see that person because of an emergency. My parents allowed me to go out despite it being so late at night, partly because they’ve seen how shocked and restless I am, and partly because the person that I’m going out to see is my best friend.

Byun Baekhyun.

Baekhyun has just returned home from his daily night run when he saw me standing in front of his door. He was shocked, of course. Because I have never really went to his apartment without noticing him beforehand. But upon seeing my blood-drained face, he ushered me inside before he rushed through his shower so that he can talk to me. After he’s done showering, he brought me to sit across of him at the small dining table that’s just enough for two people. And when he was seated too, he only crossed his arms and placed them on table. He doesn’t open his mouth, but his eyes are demanding me to open up. And I was right because in the next second, Baekhyun is ready to be on his best friend’s duty.

“Okay, spill it now. Every single thing.”

“You know what? Just cry.”  

“Why are you asking me to cry?” I ask, annoyed that Baekhyun has been telling me the same thing ever since I was done telling him what happened. Baekhyun was also shocked to know just how much of an asshole Oh Sehun was. But he then said that I should have at least expected this since Sehun is a popular guy at university.

“Because,” Baekhyun uncrosses his arms on the table and leans back on the chair. He closes his eyes before continuing. “It’s not healthy for your mental health, you know? You don’t have to put on a strong facade in front of me. Acting like this when you’re hurting deep inside will only hurt you even more. I’ve seen you cry before. Multiple of times too, if I may add.”

I brush his words off and only stay silent. My eyes roam around his grey and red themed apartment, taking in the minimalistic interior of the house that belongs to the 24 year old man sitting across of me. He has a grey coloured two-seater sofa, his coffee table is full with his macbook, ipad, some of his still opened law text books, some documents and stationaries. His television that was originally brought from his family home is connected to the internet and his playstation 4 is still plugged into the television too.

When was the last time I visited his house? I couldn’t recall the memory but I know that it has been quite a while. Ever since I started dating Sehun, I only met Baekhyun at our university or anywhere else that is not his house because Baekhyun thought it was a little inappropriate for me to go to his house since I have a boyfriend. My little inspection of his house was interrupted after a short while when Baekhyun sighs a little loudly. I focus my eyes on him now and shrug my shoulder.

“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” Baekhyun asks. “I don’t want you to get anymore hurt by whatever that jackass is doing or about to be doing after this. I know how much you like him and how much you cherish the relationship that you’ve had with him. It’s completely normal to be hurting by this news and it’s definitely okay to cry too. Cry until your eyes get swollen, cry until you fall asleep and wake up feeling a lot better than tonight.”

I bite my inner cheek and shake my head. Although I admit that I am hurt deep inside, I refuse to cry. Not because I have too much pride in me but because of these mixed feelings bubbling inside. Hurt from being lied and cheated on by the person whom I thought I was going to have a long lasting relationship with. Confused because out of all people, I didn’t expect Sehun and Irene to be together. Irene was my seatmate and one of my assignment group mates throughout the whole of last semester where I had taken an elective subject not related to my major. Appalled because this would have not happened if I hadn’t asked Sehun to join our group celebration dinner for getting an A last semester.  These feelings just keep on brewing inside me and it was too much to comprehend, leaving me to not be able to even shed a tear.

“I don’t know, Baekhyun.” I say while standing up from the dining chair.“I thought I should tell you about this and feel better, but I still feel like I have just gotten hit by a car. I guess breakup really sucks.” I laugh soullessly. “Hey, do you mind if I crash here tonight? I’m too tired to drive again.” I don’t wait for Baekhyun to respond because I straight away walk to his couch, not realizing that Baekhyun has also stand up from his chair to follow me.

I’m only a few steps away from the couch when I feel a soft tug on my left hand, turning me around before I am being pulled into a bear hug. My eyes widen in shock because my best friend has never hugged me so closely and so tightly like this. But his embrace is just so perfect and warm and very much comforting that I can feel all these mixed emotions inside of me are swirling all over the place before I feel something triggering the most wanted reaction from me. And just like his warm embrace, my dams of tears exploded.

“I really like him, Baekhyun.” I say with tears streaming down my face. Baekhyun doesn’t say anything but lets me cry on his shoulder. I take a long time to stop crying and when I am slowly sniffling, that is when Baekhyun starts speaking.

“That wasn’t so hard, wasn’t it?” He asks while stroking my long hair. “You silly girl, you’ll feel a lot better after this. And oppa will make sure that jackass will regret doing what he did to you.”

[twoidiotwriters1]

Déjà Vu (Or are we losing our minds?) VI -Modern!Shirbert

Words: 2,292

Series’ Masterlist

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Chapter Six: Kindred Spirits.

Anne to ‘Golden Trio’: I know you were looking forward to our party this weekend but I just got my period and I’m DYING so… rain check?

Cole: Bitch—

Diana: Oh, no! :( I hate when that happens, but it’s okay, we can wait!

Cole: I just want you to appreciate my friendship right now cause I’m on the verge of throwing myself over a cliff but fine, I have no uterus, no opinion. I’ll have to stand these beasts a while longer

Diana: Those are your nieces, nephews and siblings you’re talking about, Cole…

Cole: And I love them but doesn’t mean they don’t suck

Anne: I love you so much Cole, I promise next week it’s on!

Anne dropped her phone on her nightstand, then it buzzed once more, she groaned but picked it up anyway, Josie's name on the screen.

Josie: Ruby’s having a crisis. Waiter guy won’t answer his phone and now she’s on the verge of shaving her head.

Anne: goddamit I just got my period, I’m still on my pj’s!

Josie: We can go to your place? I really don’t want to deal with Ruby on my own...

Anne bit her lip, she had the tendency to lack patience during her periods, but the girls needed her, so she couldn’t say no.

Anne to ‘Golden Trio’: If you guys feel like witnessing some drama Josie’s heading to my place with a "Pink Crisis."

Cole: Fuck, did that waiter broke things off with Ruby already?

Anne: Apparently he’s not answering her texts and Ruby’s about to go crazy.

Cole: I’m in. Anything as long as I can leave the house.

Diana: Sorry, I was talking with Minnie May

Diana: btw I’m in too, let me see if I can take the car and I’ll pick you up @Cole

Cole: Cool, text me when you’re coming.

Anne dropped her phone again, this time on her pillow, and got up to let tell Marilla and Matthew that the girls plus Cole were coming. 

A strange thought came to her as she got up from bed. She felt like there was something missing, something was out of place, or unfinished. Was she supposed to text someone? Had she missed an appointment?

‘A doctor's appointment,’ said a voice at the back of her head.

Anne snorted at the absurdity of that, she knew there was no doctor's appointment scheduled, what the hell was wrong with her? Maybe it was just the hormones...

___________________

Bash was still not over the fact that Gilbert had had a “wet dream” about Moody’s girl and kept teasing whenever he could. It wasn’t Ruby though, Gilbert knew that, somehow.

He was sure that the girl in his dreams had red hair and grey eyes. Or blue, he couldn’t remember well. Either way, as the afternoon went away he started to forget. Sure enough, it’d been nice, he woke up feeling some sort of strange joy for the rest of his shift until it was time to close the diner, then his mind drifted to the dishes he needed to clean and the bills they had to pay.

While Mary was upstairs putting Delly to bed Bash sat next to him on the living room, making sure to mess up the comfortable position Gilbert was in by putting his legs on the boy's lap and laying on the whole lenght of the couch.

“Sometimes I feel like you’re the real twenty-year-old in this house and I’m the parent,” Gilbert rolled his eyes, pushing Bash’s legs away.

“That’s cause you’re always grumpy. You know why you always grumpy, Blythe?” Bash smirked.

“I don’t want to know.”

“It’s because you need to get laid.”

“There we go…”

“Why can’t you be a normal young adult and get one of those apps to hook up?”

“Because everytime I try it, all I think about is how I could end up murdered or sick- Do you want me to die of syphilis, Bash? Is that what you want?”

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“I’m not that desperate for sex, anyway.”

“I don’t wanna know the context of that sentence at all,” Mary walked in holding a basket full of Delly’s clothes. “But since you have all this free time to talk about your sex life, why don’t you help me with the girl’s stuff and fold them while I make myself a cup of tea?”

“Sure,” Gilbert agreed, happy to change the subject.

___________________

“Am I asking too much? Does god hate me?”

The group groaned in exasperation at Ruby’s inquires.

“I think you should finish your tea and breathe,” Diana said patiently.

“What she needs is to get her shit together and understand that it’s the twenty-first century. No man is going to propose to you after a drunk make-out session, Ruby!” Josie rolled her eyes.

“I know that!” Ruby said defensively. “But he’d been so nice even before that... I thought he liked me!”

“Maybe he does,” Anne said. “You have to remember that it’s Christmas, maybe he’s shopping? Maybe his phone got busted? I don’t know, give him the benefit of the doubt!”

“You know what my advice is,” Cole said simply.

“Yes,” Diana and Anne said at the same time.

“I’m gonna say it anyway. Dump the idiot and live your best life. Why are you trying to have a serious relationship when half of the boys in college are desperately trying to get in your pants?”

“Are you trying to get her pregnant or with syphilis? Because that’s how you do it, that's how you get syphilis,” Anne said crossed her arms. “She doesn’t have to sleep around to be happy! She just needs to be logical!”

“Okay, Dr. Heart, what do you recommend?” Josie huffed.

Anne whined and curled up under the covers. Ruby and Josie were sitting at the edge of her bed while Diana and Cole laid casually on the floor, their heads against the pillows Anne had given them so they weren’t completely flat on the ground.

“I don’t know, I’ve never dated a guy for more than a month.”

“Ew, Roy,” Cole said instantly.

“But maybe… I don’t know, do you have his intagram or something?”

“I do,” Ruby sniffed. “I haven’t checked it cause I didn’t want to look desperate and you know how I always accidentally like old pictures…”

“Facebook?”

“No...”

“If you have his instagram, you have his facebook,” Cole said.

“How come?”

“Give me your phone,” His hand lifted from the ground, Ruby gave it to him.

“Okay, so we decided to go full stalker then,” Josie said bluntly.

“It’s either this or…” Anne stopped herself before saying ‘or hearing Ruby mop for another three hours’ but managed to hold her tongue just in time.

“This is for the best,” Diana replied almost as if talking of a medical procedure.

“Can someone go to the bathroom and fetch me the painkillers?” Anne groaned.

“I’ll go, see if I can drown myself in the toilet,” Josie mumbled. “I can’t believe you guys are my best friends…”

Anne laughed at that. Truth be told, Josie and her weren’t exactly close during their youth, Josie even sort of made her life a living hell for a whole year during Junior high, then some random dude tried to take advantage of her during a school dance and Anne stood up for her in front of the whole school. Josie spent the rest of her highschool years making up for her bad actions by defending Anne from any nasty comments anyone would throw her way.

She kept this up even during college, and Anne would’ve gladly told her it wasn’t necessary if it wasn’t because Josie seemed to get more insulted whenever Anne tried to point it out than if she was actually insulting her.

“You know what I’d love to have right now?” Anne yawned.

“A nap?”

“I’d love to have one of those god awful pancakes they used to make in our highschool’s cafeteria. God, they were awful, but for some reason I’m craving those fucking pancakes...”

“You ever crave flowers?” Diana asked absentmindedly.

“What?” Anne laughed. “What do you mean?”

“Like, you walk past a flower shop and you see a gorgeous bouquet, and then some random day you’re like, ‘Man, I wish I had the bouquet, it’d look amazing on my coffee table'”

“I… no– wow, I think it’s the first time you've beat me, Diana. That was the weirdest thing I’ve heard in a while.”

“Oh please, you love flowers, you must have felt that way at some point!”

“No, I swear,” Anne sat up. “I mean, maybe because if I see pretty flowers I just buy them, never been one to say no to buying flowers.”

“That’s the reason why our flat always stinks like gardenia, or roses, or lilies…” Cole adds distractedly.

“You know,” Ruby said, a bit calmer than before. “No boy has ever given me a bouquet.”

“That makes two of us,” Anne patted her knee.

“Three,” said Cole.

___________________

“So, Moody got mugged as soon as he left the bus station yesterday,” Gilbert sighed.

“Oh god, is he alright?” Winnie asked through the phone.

Winifred was back in town for the holidays, and she had many stories to tell about Paris and the girls she’d met there. She was one of Gilbert’s best friends from highschool, if not the only he still had from that time apart from Moody.

They were planning to have lunch the next day, but she’d called him to let him know she was home now, safe and sound, and they were chatting the night away.

“Yeah, a black eye and no phone or wallet, but fine,” Gilbert chuckled. “What’s worse is that he’s not even mad about that, he's upset that he won’t be able to text his girl...”

“What?!” She gasped. “I didn’t know Moody had a girlfriend!”

“He doesn’t,” The boy squinted. “Well, I think they saw each other the other night at the bar and they kissed, but I’m not so sure.”

“Right, because you were utterly shit-faced.”

“Yup.”

He heard her laugh.

“I miss you two so much! Honestly, sometimes I feel like french guys lack sense of humor.”

“Oh, but I bet the girls were quite amusing, considering you oficially dated at least two of them throughout the semester,” He teased.

“Didn’t say I wasn’t having fun,” Winnie replied, he could pictured her smirking. “Looks like the only one who’s got no game is Canada’s Golden Boy! What’s the matter, Gilbert? No girl is worthy of your charms? Are you waiting until marriage?”

“Not quite,” He grinned. “I’ve been busy studying, that’s all.”

“I worry about you, don’t want to see you in ten years all grey and grumpy.”

“That's awfully rude, Bash is not grey and he’s ten years older than us!”

“Yeah but I’ve heard that if you don’t have sex you die faster.”

“That’s the biggest slander I’ve ever heard. Don’t try to scare the future Doctor with fake news!”

“Well, future Doctor, I just want to make sure you don’t end up as the spinster of our group. Not that is bad, if you want to be alone that’s cool, but please don’t be a bitter one, you know, like those old librarians?”

“So what should I be then, the old spinster that invites you to have tea every sunday?”

“Yeah, you could even own a coffee shop- oh wait, you do!”

“Rude,” Gilbert frowned, but he was still smiling. “The Orchard is not a coffee shop, just so you know.“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Winnie chuckled. “See you tomorrow?”

“Totally.”

“Got it!”

___________________

The girls straightened up at Cole’s announcement, all of them excited.

“And?” Diana urged him.

“Good news or bad news?”

“Bad news,” Cole looked up. “He posted this five hours ago…”

He handed the phone to Diana, then she gave it to Anne, there she read the most recent post on his page:

‘Someone stole my phone and wallet, please block the number in the meantime. If you need me you can send a private message here.’

“Could’ve been worse,” Anne gave the phone back to Ruby so she could read what it said.

Ruby sighed heavily.

“He doesn’t hate me.”

“Of course not, you’re a ray of freaking sunshine,” Josie retorted.

“I still think this is god giving you the opportunity to reconsider,” Cole replied. “Don’t commit, Ruby, you’re too young to get married–”

“She won’t get married!” Diana slapped his arm, then hesitated. “Well, at least not anytime soon... right, Ruby?”

“It’s late, children,” Marilla peeked through the door. “You can have dinner here if you want, we have room for all of you, but if you don’t then I suggest you to say your goodbyes now...”

“Thank you Marilla,” Anne smiled. “They’ll be on their way.”

“You can stay the night if you want as well,” Marilla added. “Matthew and I missed the fuss you kids make around the house whenever Anne invites you.”

“That’s so kind, thank you,” Ruby beamed.

Marilla left and Anne turned to look at the group.

“So any of you want to stay?”

“You know I do,” Cole smirked.

“Same,” Josie admitted. “My mom's being a pain right now: ‘Are you dating someone, love?’ ‘Will you ever give me grandchildren?’”

“I’d like to stay too,” Ruby said, deep in thought. “I know he’s not avoiding me, but I really don’t want to sleep alone tonight…”

“You have two younger sisters, Ruby.”

“It’s not the same!”

“See?” Cole said. “Ruby gets it!”

“I’ll have to pass,” Diana sighed. “My dad needs the car tomorrow morning, last minute shopping.”

“We still have next week,” Anne assured her with a small smile.

Taglist.

@ninizkd @http-itsrebecca @fuckthisshitimoutyall @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​​ @little-boats-on-a-lake

[behind-the-hood]

Hey sorry if I’m being nosy but what is this appeal situation about? I think I may have just been out of the loop for a while. Whatever it is though you seem happy so congrats!

Buckle your seatbelts. It's story time, babes!!

I was supposed to go to Germany with my husband right after high school, so I took a year off. I'd just start when we came back to the US. But then he gets there before me, and tells me he doesn't think it's safe enough for me to go just yet. Then later he doesn't want me to go at all.

So I pick back up my old volunteer job at the retirement home down the road and I plan to start next August.

Well, my first year of college was horrible. My first semester, I was put in six classes, and one of them was an eight o'clock class. My school is half an hour away. And I had to take my sister to her school in the mornings as well.

I had to drop a class. It was too heavy a load and I wasn't ready. It still ended up being too much and I barely passed two thirds of my classes. And to keep the Pell Grant, you have to pass two thirds of what you start.

But I did it, if barely. So, the next semester, I only get four classes. And I'm a little behind on everything because I've got marital issues splitting my focus. And I'm set behind even more because my mom gets surgery on her spine again. (They have to go through the front of her neck and shove all that stuff aside to get to her spine. Horrifying.)

Then I get a tonsilectomy during what was supposed to be spring break, but there was a mix up in the schedule and I missed a week of school, plus an exam. Not that it mattered, I took the recovery period so poorly, I was out of school for nearly a month anyway.

I ended up failing every class but Creative Writing. Including Abnormal Psych. And it looks very bad to fail in your major. It doubly sucks because I actually knew the material, but I was too far behind to catch up, even with doctors' excuses.

After that I took another year off. I was going to volunteer at a rape hotline to get some experience under my belt before I returned to classes, but I was going to get my migraines checked first. I could barely stand outside for too long without my head throbbing, even in overcast.

They do an MRI, don't remember why only that they did it, then I actually saw the doctor and he said...something, I don't remember. Anyway, I do have migraines, and we're going to try a bunch of different pills 'til we get it right! Except...there's this little thing on my MRI...It looks like my pituitary gland is enlarged. Not uncommon for a woman of my age, but they're going to check it out anyway.

So I get another MRI, with and without contrast, and they focus on that.

It's a yes. Definitely enlarged. So I'm recommended to this hormone doctor to make sure all my levels are good.

So we see this guy a few weeks later, and he's taking blood, taking urine, did something else I think, but again I don't remember. I come back about a week later and he says all my levels are fine! Well, my estrogen is a little low, but that's normal on birth control.

But he sent me to a neurosurgeon, just in case. One of the best in the country! And I get to her office about a month later, and she's looking at my MRI, but nothing really seems wrong? No tumors, beign or otherwise. My gland is supposed to sit in a cup, which I don't have, so it's sort of pressing again my eye things? But it isn't affecting my vision, so it's a non issue at the moment. They're going to keep an eye on it over the next ten years. Woohoo.

My mom's with me 'cause I'm not a confident driver, especially in areas I'm not familiar, and she asks about this white spot on my forehead in the MRI.

The doctor looks for a moment, flipping through the images, and says "Well, that's your sinus, but it should be black like the other one..."

So I'm sent to an ENT, and not the one who did my tonsilectomy. I see him a couple weeks later, and he looks at my MRI, and I've apparently got a chronic sinus infection. Again, woohoo. But also, my sinus cavity is blocked off. This isn't unusual after a previous sinus surgery (which I had about a decade ago.) The scar tissue was healed over and blocking the sinus cavity.

(They ask if I feel like I'm breathing funny. I've been breathing this way for a decade. How am I supposed to know???)

They get me in the operating room less than two weeks later, open the cavity, straighten my septum, and did something else but I don't remember. I did fine. My jaw is killing me though because I'd just had a pain block two weeks prior, but they had to put a breathing tube down my throat for three and a half hours.

I have TMJ. I can barely eat a hotdog.

So, I wake up from my surgery, complaining about my jaw, not my nose. The nurses are confused. I'm half out of it on all the pain meds they've got me on. Can't really talk because my throat is raw after this, jaw too sore to open. I'm signing the letters of the alphabet to communicate.

It's about an hour later that I can start talking again. But at least the guy who pushed me out the hospital in the wheelchair was cute.

I get home, I'm doing fine. I'm sitting up in case of a nose bleed, half asleep every hour or so, and stay in like stage one/stage two of sleep for a couple weeks. I don't sleep well on norco, but percocet makes me sick unless I'm horizontal. So I deal with it.

I heal. I'm fine. Everything looks good. My marriage has fallen apart by this point.

I get my knees checked at one point because it hurts to bend them. I have runner's knee in both.

Then I get checked for a ADD (or ADHD without hyperactivity, but whatever), and I'm told I meet all the criteria. Lovely, and it explains a lot actually. That and ADHD runs in the family; I wasn't surprised.

So I'm on another medication, but it combats my migraine medication. Stimulants help ADD, but they trigger migraines. I turn to a lesser stimulant that only helps my focus and lessen the migraines. I only need it to get through school.

Now it's time to go back to school and I've accomplished nothing on my year off.

I get there, and I need to appeal if I want to get the Pell Grant again, which I desperately need. I didn't complete two third of my classes the last semester I was there.

So, I appeal. I write what turned out be a good draft. We zhuzhed it up. And I got a lot of medical documentation to show why I failed and how I'm going to do better.

Couple days after that, I get an email saying my appeal was approved and that I had to turn it in to complete my financial aid.

And here we are.

That is my story.

Yay!!

[urdearestmom]

long distance (mileven week)

February 1990, Hawkins, IN

Jane “El” Hopper is the last one out of the library tonight. At first, Marissa had been reluctant to give her the job given she was Hopper’s kid and Marissa didn’t exactly have the highest opinion of the town’s chief, but she took a chance and El is quickly proving herself worthy. She loves being in the library, surrounded by words. She didn’t have them for so long that being somewhere full of words is still a wondrous thing. It probably always will be.

Anyhow, she’s got to lock up before she heads home for dinner, and even though it’s only just after six o’clock, it’s already dark out. It’s as cold as a Midwestern winter usually is, which is to say very cold. El wonders if it’s as cold where Mike is.

She almost drops her keys in the snow as she goes to open the Blazer she’d inherited from Hopper after the station bought a new one (Hopper had helped her repaint it a nice blue so she didn’t have to drive around in a truck with “HAWKINS POLICE” emblazoned across the sides), but she fumbles and catches them. The radio’s playing that one Phil Collins song as she pulls away from the library in the direction of her house.

Hopper’s not coming home until late, El knows he isn’t, but it doesn’t help to make her feel less lonely when she pulls up outside the dark house. It really sucks not having any of her friends in town. They’ve all spread out across the country: Max went back to San Diego, Will and Dustin to New York, Lucas to Seattle, and Mike to Connecticut. God, did it really have to be so far? Sometimes the only thing that keeps her from plunging into “the depths of despair”, as Dustin used to call it, is the fact that she’s going to see him soon.

Max and Lucas are the farthest away, but El has a totally different relationship with them than she does with Mike. Her need to see them and be with them is so much less pressing. That’s why, with Hopper’s help planning, El’s been saving money to take a trip to Connecticut. The thing is, Mike doesn’t know about it. And although it’s very hard to keep a secret from him, El promised herself she wouldn’t give it away.

She’s about to start washing dishes when the phone rings, and she knows exactly who it is. Mike always calls around this time. They usually only speak over the phone once a week because long distance calls are expensive, and even though El could just talk to her boyfriend over the psychic link she can create, she doesn’t like doing that. It’s draining.

They mostly send each other letters but Mike insists he’ll go insane if he can’t listen to her voice, so he calls once every Wednesday.

“Hello?”

El keeps the cordless phone Hopper bought recently hovering by her ear as she starts to wash her plate.

“Hey, El.”

“Hi, Mike.”

“What are you doing?”

El sighs. “Washing dishes. I’m home alone tonight.”

“That sucks. Hopper’s late again?”

“It’s winter. Lots of accidents.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Mike agrees. “I miss you,” he adds somberly.

El scrubs harshly at a stain on the plate. “Me too. I’m lonely all the time.”

“Valentine’s is next week. I wish I could be there with you, it’ll be our first one we haven’t spent together.”

Mike sounds upset, and it’s this kind of thing that makes El just want to spill her secret surprise plans. She’s going to get there on Valentine’s Day, which is the Wednesday, but she’s got to leave on the Friday because Yale only allows guests for three days.

Which is better than nothing, El supposes, but she wishes it didn’t have to be like this at all.

She hears another voice in the background ask an unintelligible question, to which Mike responds, “My girlfriend, dumbass. I call her every week, you should know this by now.”

The voice laughs and says something else. Mike sighs. “I am so done with you. Can you believe my roommate still doesn’t think you’re real, El?”

El snorts. “You’re on the phone with me, how am I not real?”

“I mean he doesn’t believe the person I’m talking to is my girlfriend. He doesn’t think I could get one. Lack of faith, if you ask me!” He says the last part louder, clearly directed at the other person in the room with him.

El wants to laugh. He’ll be proven wrong next week. “Mike, I think we gotta go. Long distance, remember?”

“Right, right,” he says. “I just posted my letter this afternoon, so hopefully you’ll get it soon. I love you.”

“Love you too. Have a good night.”

There’s a click and Mike is gone. El sighs again and focuses on her dishes. Long distance sucks.

Wednesday morning dawns bright and early. It’s Valentine’s Day and there’ve been paper hearts and lovey-dovey shit stuck everywhere in the buildings on campus for the last few days. They make Mike feel like a middle schooler with no one to be his Valentine again. The only person he’d want to be his Valentine anyway is about 850 miles away, so he’s kind of screwed on that front. He just really misses her. He saw El at Christmas, but it’s been way too long already. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to survive the rest of college with her so far away.

His roommate, Eric, wakes him with a pillow to the face, poking fun at him for not having anyone to go to the off-campus party with later. Mike wasn’t going to go anyway, considering it’s Wednesday, but whatever.  

“Where’s your girlfriend now, huh Wheeler?” He teases.

Mike almost wants to punch him in the face. Today’s already going to be shitty, he doesn’t need this. “I told you she’s at home. Can you stop?”

Eric grins. “What was her name again? Eleven?”

Mike groans. “Yes, but she doesn’t like it. We don’t call her that.”

“You totally made that up! Who the fuck names their kid Eleven?” Eric has sat down on his bed again, kicking his feet up into the air.

“It’s a long story that I’m never going to tell you.”

“Yeah, because it doesn’t exist!”

Mike turns over and buries his face in his pillow. “Eric, I swear to god. Just because I only have, like, one picture of her doesn’t mean she’s fake.”

Eric snorts. “The girl’s obviously real, I just don’t think she’s your girlfriend. Girls like that don’t date guys like you, man.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. Can you leave me alone now?”

“You probably write those letters to yourself, don’t you?”

“Why would I go to all the effort of doing that just to convince you that I have a girlfriend? I don’t care that much about your opinion, you know,” Mike retorts, turning his head to allow himself to breathe and glare at his roommate.

Eric was an okay guy at the beginning of first semester, but Mike had quickly gotten tired of being teased about his apparent singleness. Eric absolutely refused to believe that his nerdy roommate (who also wasn’t exactly conventionally attractive) could possibly be dating someone. Even after being shown the picture of her that Mike always kept in his wallet, and being witness to phone calls between them on more than one occasion, and seeing Mike writing letters, Eric could not and would not be convinced that El was really Mike’s girlfriend.

Mike thinks it might be because the fact that they’ve been dating since they were thirteen is kind of surreal, even to him sometimes. Especially to someone like Eric, who goes through girls like nobody’s business. Mike has seen him “date” five girls since they started school in September.

Eric narrows his eyes. “I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve seen people do the weirdest shit just because they’re embarrassed about something. You know, I haven’t wanted to say this, but I suspected it from the beginning. You just don’t want to admit you came to college a virgin, right? ‘Cause I’d be embarrassed if I were you.”

And he’s crossed the line. “Eric,” Mike says, finally sitting up, looking crazed with his hair sticking up every which way, “I literally could not give less of a fuck what you think about my virginity. It’s not any of your business, nor is it anyone else’s.”

Eric’s still looking at Mike as he gets out of bed. He shoves on the first shirt he sees and aggressively pulls on a pair of socks, not changing out of his pyjama pants. He only has one class today anyway, and he’ll have time to come back and change before he goes to work.

“Listen, man, I’m sorry if that offended you, I just think you might be going a little too far with this whole charade,” says Eric quickly. And wow, Mike just loves when Eric pretends to be concerned about him. He can’t fucking wait for next year so he can get a new roommate who is hopefully better than this one.

He can feel the anger rising and has to take several deep breaths in order to not blow up. Come on, Mike, you’re better than this… Mike grabs his key and shoves it in his backpack along with his wallet and the binder he needs for his class before rounding on the meathead behind him. “At least I’m not going around messing with girls the way you do. That’s what’s going too far. You treat them like shit and then you just dump them like they’re nothing. They’re people, asshole, and so am I. Watch what you say.”

He wrenches the door open and, noting that there’s no one currently in the hall, turns back to his dumbass roommate. “And for the record, not that it matters, but I’m not a virgin. Thanks for the concern, though.”

Mike makes sure to close the door as threateningly as he can without slamming it too hard. That ought to get the message through.

El decides that if she ever does this again, she’s flying. Driving from Hawkins to New Haven has been so tiring it’s ridiculous. The trip itself takes about thirteen hours, but she stopped every three for breaks, so she’s actually been on the road for closer to about fifteen hours and she’s hated every minute of it since hour four. She left at five in the morning, six in the time zone Connecticut is in, and it’s nearing nine at night. The sole thing that has kept her going all day is that at the end of it all, she’s going to get to surprise Mike.

El knows he works at a bookstore on campus, so she’s going straight there, hoping to arrive before he locks up and leaves. The store closes at nine, after all. But there’s traffic.

After much deliberation and the passage of the nine o’clock hour, El changes course and heads to the residence buildings instead. She doesn’t know which one Mike lives in, or what floor, or which room, but she has something almost like an inner compass that always leads her to him. He’s the magnetic north to her Earth. God, we’re such nerds.

It’s like an actual game of hot and cold, but instead of hot and cold it’s more of a pull. The pull is stronger when she’s close to Mike and weaker the further away she is, but it’s always there if she chooses to pay attention to it. They discovered it playing hide and seek when they were fourteen and have occasionally made use of it since, like now. El follows the pull to an old-looking building and sits inside the Blazer contemplating it before killing the engine.

Inside is much warmer, the yellow lighting casting a cozy glow over the stairwell. There’s a door on the other side leading to the ground floor, but El’s instincts are telling her upstairs is the right way to go. She stops in the third-floor hallway for a second before going left. A door opens and shuts behind her and she hears footsteps make their way to the main door and disappear down the stairs.

Two doors down from the end of the hall, El comes across a door with the names Eric & Mike written on the chalkboard hanging on it and she knows it’s the right one. She can hear muffled voices from inside, but she’s too excited to wait for them to stop talking. The door swings open almost immediately after she knocks, revealing a young man who is decidedly not El’s boyfriend. This must be Eric.

He gives her a sleazy grin. “Hello, pretty lady,” he says, raising an eyebrow in what El’s sure he thinks is an attractive way. In all honesty, it probably would be if El wasn’t strictly Mike-sexual. “What brings you here?”

El doesn’t have time to respond before she hears the most beautiful voice in the world speak instead. “Can you take her to the party with you? Don’t stay here.”

Even when his words are sharp, Mike’s voice is calming. It washes over her like a warm bath, steadying her nerves. She still has a hard time speaking to people she’s not familiar with. El just wishes Mike had already seen her standing there, but he’s rooting around in the closet space by his bed.

She clears her throat lightly and smiles. “I’m actually looking for my boyfriend,” she says, and she sees Mike pause.

Eric shoots a look at his roommate. “You won’t find him here,” he answers, followed by a derisive snort.

El smiles again. “I think I might. Mike?”

At this, Mike removes his head from his closet and turns around, and the look on his face is priceless. He looks so shocked that El almost wants to laugh at him, but she’s also so happy to see him herself that all she can do is allow her face to mold itself into an ear-splitting grin.

“El?” And it’s almost like that night all over again, except without the overwhelming stress of the situation they’d all been in the time. But all the same, El can feel tears build in her eyes and spill down her cheeks as the stupidly huge amount of love she feels for this boy threatens to have her implode on the spot.

She laughs wetly and holds her arms out. “Surprise?”

“Oh my god,” he says, tripping over himself to get to her. When he does, he envelops her in a hug so tight she almost can’t breathe. “I can’t believe you’re here!”

El wraps her arms around Mike just below his shoulders and buries her face in his chest, inhaling the familiar scent of the detergent his mom uses (that he’s taken the habit of using as well to college with him). It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to have him close and be able to hug him like this. Hearing his voice over 850 miles of cables and hearing it in person are two very different things.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Mike asks breathlessly, pulling out of the hug but keeping his hands on her waist. They’re in their own world now, Eric forgotten in the corner.

“I wanted to surprise you for Valentine’s Day,” El replies, and she smiles.

Mike moves his hands to cup her face before he kisses her, and she’s melting. She hasn’t kissed him in two months and it’s like a thirsty man finding water in the desert. She needs this. She needs to be able to touch him and feel that he’s there, to know that he will be there when she needs him, just like she wants to be there when he needs her. That’s what their relationship has been since day one; being there for each other is the basis of how they care for one another.

El pulls away when she’s out of breath, her lips aching to be back against Mike’s, but she remembers that someone else is in the room. Eric is standing awkwardly behind Mike with wide eyes.

El smirks. “Do you believe him yet?”

Eric’s mouth works but words don’t come out. Must be quite a shock, then.

Mike wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her into the room, falling back onto his bed with a thump. “You can leave now, Eric. Have fun at the party,” he says, and then he does a sarcastic little wave and Eric quickly walks out the door, shutting it behind him.

A sigh escapes Mike. “Fuck him, ugh,” he remarks. “This morning he accused me of making you up because I didn’t want to admit that I’m a virgin. Which I haven’t even been in like, over a year, but okay, I guess.”

El wrinkles her nose and cuddles up to Mike’s side. “Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t, Eric’s just a fuckwad who doesn’t understand when things don’t go the way he thinks they should.”

Mike leaves a feather-light kiss on the tip of El’s nose and smiles lovingly when he looks at her again. “I still can’t believe you’re actually here. How long are you staying?”

A yawn forces its way out of her. “Friday, ‘cause you said if I ever visited it could only be three days. My stuff is in the Blazer, I was trying to get to the bookstore before you finished work but there was traffic so I just came here instead.”

“Well,” says Mike, a yawn escaping him as well, “I need to go take a shower, but you can just stay here, you’re probably dead tired.”

El nods. “Driving all day.”

He kisses her again, more intimate than by the door because Eric had still been in the room, but still just so simple and beautifully amazing that El can’t help but sigh and chase after his face with her own when he moves away. She doesn’t catch him, though, because he gets up.

“Where’re your keys?” Mike asks. “I’ll go out to the truck and get your stuff when I’m done showering.”

“Here,” she answers, pulling them out of her back pocket and throwing them for him to catch as she sits up and removes her coat.

“Okay,” says Mike, sweeping his stuff and her keys into a towel and wrapping it all up, “I’ll be back soon. You can go to sleep.”

He’s about to go into the hall when El calls him back.

“What?”

“...can I just have one more kiss?”

Mike rolls his eyes but walks back over to her and grants her wish. The press of his warm and familiar lips against her own is gratifying after so long without it. “I love you so much,” he says. “But I need to shower and you need to sleep.”

El pouts. “Okay.”

Mike frowns. “Don’t give me that face, it’s making me want to kiss you more.”

She grins. “I’m not complaining.”

He rolls his eyes again. “Of course not. Go to sleep. ”

“Fine, dad.”

El lies down and tucks herself under the covers of his bed, watching as he waits to make sure she’s alright before flipping the light switch and heading out.

“I love you,” she whispers through the dark.

“I love you too,” Mike whispers back.

“Love you more.”

“Oh my god, El, not this again!”

“But it’s true!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“We love each other equally!”

“Do we, though?”

“You know what? This isn’t happening. Good night.”

[jmhwritesstuff]

(Wanted to share a piece of what I’m currently working on. This story follows Lexi as she returns home after three years of university to face her past. This is a rewrite and still quite rough around the edges, but it took me a while to get this first chapter down so I’m a little proud of it regardless. If you read it, thanks for taking the time to do so!)

Freefall: Chapter 1

Present Day

I had been standing on the edge – that much I could remember. One of those moments where your toes are no longer on the ledge and you’re staring down, and you can feel yourself tipping forward and then – nothing. You don’t fall no matter how long you wait for it. No matter how close you get.            But you swear you could. Oh, you swear with every damn shallow breath in your battered lungs you could. But you don’t. You never do.            I don’t know what pulled me back, but something tugged at the edges, stopping me from going over completely. I remember I couldn’t wait to hit the bottom; I remember the gaping hole in my chest at realising I would live another day. The bottom never came – it eluded me – and a part of me forever claws and screams for answers.            Why? Why couldn’t I reach it?            Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t supposed to. And maybe that’s why it’s okay to come back. To come home. A home that isn’t really a home at all – it’s just a place now. Has been for a long time. 

           I drummed my hands on the wheel, waiting at a red light. I glanced at the half-burnt cigarette between my fingers, watching as the smoke swirled up and out the window before finally deciding to toss it. Smelling of smoke wasn’t going to help me today, and no amount of nicotine could calm the nerves in my stomach anyway.            The light changed to green, I geared the car forward, and rounded the corner onto the familiar street of my childhood. The sun blared down onto the pavement from above, but the warm glow didn’t deceive me. If only everyone knew the stories; if only they had seen even a glimpse of the life I had lived here. I tell myself it could have been worse – much worse – but three years away still didn’t seem long enough. If I had it my way, I never would have come back at all.            I scanned the houses as I drove, peacefully nestled together with pristine gardens. The street was empty, quiet – probably no kids here since I left – and then I slowed as I spied my parent’s house. I carefully parked up behind my father’s blue truck and switched off the engine.            I slid my sunglasses onto the top of my head, eyes sweeping over the view of the home I had left three years earlier. The flower baskets, now empty, still hung either side of the blue front door, the silver doorknocker still intact. The garden was clean, the grass freshly cut, the stone path near-immaculate. On the surface, nothing had changed.            The anxiety took a moment to settle, a wave of nostalgia briefly washing over me – interrupted by the front door swinging open to reveal my mother. A beaming smile plastered on her face, ash-blonde bob bouncing on her shoulders, she was almost skipping towards the front gate as she stepped into the sunlight.            “Lexi!”            I ducked my head, dropping the sunglasses over my eyes so she couldn’t see me rolling them, and forced myself out of the car. She pulled the gate open and threw her arms around me with a squeeze. Much to my detriment, the tiniest pang of guilt crept in as I returned the hug.            I had avoided coming home since I first started university a whole other town away, trying to separate myself from everything I knew here. But she was my mother, and I was her daughter, and I suppose cutting myself off from her wasn’t entirely fair.            I had my reasons. Those reasons didn’t disappear when I did.            She held me at arm’s length. “I thought you were going to be late.”            I glimpsed at my watch and shrugged. “Nope. Right on time, just like I said.”            As far as first digs went, it could have been worse.            Taking my hand, she led me back up to the house, bustling me inside and shutting the door behind us.            “Where is everyone?”            “Your dad is in the back garden,” she replied, still smiling as she veered left into the kitchen. “Charlie is at work for another hour yet. But he’s coming straight home – he can’t wait to see you.”            I brushed my fingers through my hair and leant against the doorframe, stifling a snort of disbelief. I hadn’t heard from my brother in three years. Somehow, the prospect of Charlie missing me seemed incredibly unlikely.            Removing my sunglasses again, I watched my mother pull bags of frozen vegetables from the freezer, laying them out on the kitchen counter – still smiling. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her this way. She certainly hadn’t been this happy before I left; so much had happened all that time ago and I could still picture the way she used to look at me. The disappointment. The exasperation whenever she didn’t know what to do or what to say to me. Neither of my parents had been particularly proud of me back then.            They were probably relieved to see the back of me for a while – maybe it even helped.            It made me wonder how my father and Charlie would look at me now, too.            I shoved my hands in the pockets of my faded jeans, unsure what to do. “Is Charlie still working at the gym?”            She didn’t look at me as she said, “You would know if you bothered to pick up the phone once in a while.”            Her tone was airy and light, a tiny laugh in her throat. But the accusation didn’t go unnoticed. It may have been three years, but the low gut-punch was as familiar as ever. I knew that tone – a few years away wouldn’t change that.            I ignored it, kept my voice bored as I said, “University keeps you busy.”            She turned to face me this time. “You could have spared five minutes, Lexi. You had five minutes, didn’t you?”            I met her blue eyes for the first time since arriving. My jaw clenched. Her smile was gone. We levelled our stare until, finally, she turned her attention back to the cutting board. I listened to the knife dice through carrots. I knew I’d have to endure at least a little scolding my first day home, so like the good daughter I always should have been, I kept my mouth firmly shut.            I pushed off the doorframe, turning to take in the hallway. The wooden floorboards had been replaced – they were darker now, more cedar than birch – and the dark red wallpaper had been stripped in favour of mulberry paint. Family photos, just as I had remembered them, adorned the wall leading up the staircase, framed in silver filigree. I angled my neck to look at them.            The first, my parent’s wedding day, followed by a professionally taken photograph of them holding baby Charlie only a few years later. There had never been a baby photo of me for as long as I had lived in this house, but there was one of the four of us together. I was six at the time, Charlie nine, and my parents stood with tight-lipped smiles on their faces – proud, forced. Posed. Charlie was the same, but I was beaming, all white teeth and squinty green eyes.            I grinned to myself. I had always been the odd one out. Unruly and bright, adventurous and curious about the world.            Oh, how things had changed.            The last photo, at the very top of the stairs, was Charlie adorned in his graduation gown and cap, diploma in hand. And as I averted my eyes to the table by the door, where the bowl with my father’s car keys lived, there were two smaller frames that held yet more pictures of my brother.            One was from the day he completed a cycling marathon when he was twenty-one, not long before I left, shaking hands with the event organiser handing him a certificate. The other, a candid photo, when he was just a kid fixing the front wheel of his bike for the first time by himself. Oil stained his hands, a smudge of it on his cheek.            Charlie. Perfect Charlie. He was blonde, like our mother, with the same blue eyes and slight up-tilt of the nose. I used to believe it meant I was more like our father, but it turned out the only thing I got from him was my dark hair.            Truth was, in the end, I was nothing like any of them.            “There she is!”            I scrunched my nose up with a smile as I turned to my father emerging from the living room. He wrapped his arms around me, briefly, and planted a quick kiss on the top of my head. Then he held me at arm’s length as he said, “It’s nice to have you home.”            I stifled the urge to say otherwise and looking up at him I could see there were more grey hairs than before, deeper lines around the corners of his eyes.            “Only for a week,” I said.            A hint of surprise flashed in his eyes, a tell-tale sign that my mother hadn’t told him as such. “Oh? How long do you have left at university?”            “Three weeks.”            “And then you’re coming back for good?” He headed into the kitchen where my mother was still chopping up vegetables and throwing them into a pan.            I took my place against the doorframe again and crossed my arms over my chest. “That’s the plan.”            For now. There was a week’s break at the university, no classes, and I’d had no reason to stay behind. Much to my dismay, everyone else had returned home, too, and most of my work was complete for the semester. So, when my mother called, and I finally picked up, I had no choice but to give in to her persistence. Since I would be returning home after three weeks anyway, it made sense to at last show my face. I would have to move back home for a while to plan my next steps, but I had no intention of sticking around – and I had no idea how to tell them.            It wasn’t that I thought they would be disappointed to see me leave again. On the contrary, it seemed ludicrous to imagine living at home forever, especially with a family that felt as taut as ours. But I didn’t know what I was going to do next, once university was over, and it wasn’t a conversation I really wanted to have with them.            “So, how’s my room looking?” I asked. “Is there enough space in there for a person?”            My father chuckled, taking a seat at the dining table and unfolding a newspaper. “Your room is untouched. No one has been in there since you left.”            I blinked. “At all? Dad, it’s been three years. Are you telling me that you haven’t moved anything in there while I’ve been gone?”            “Why would we do that?”            I opened my mouth, shrugged. “Spare room. Extra space. I don’t know, it kind of makes sense to use it for storage.”   ��        My mother clicked her tongue. “It’s always been your room, Lexi, you haven’t moved out entirely just yet.”            The hairs on my arms rose – I hated the way she used my name.            “Sit down.” My father gestured to the chair opposite himself. “No need to stand, this is your house, too.”            The urge not to react surfaced once again – it was like second nature, an old habit impossible to break. I clenched the car keys in my hand and made my way to the table, but as I sat down, it was immediately uncomfortable – unnatural.            This wasn’t home. It was just a place. And no matter how much I had tried to change that feeling, it had always remained true. I couldn’t recall a time when it wasn’t.             I waited a few minutes, flitting my gaze between my mother preparing dinner and my father nose-deep in the newspaper. She was stubborn, and he was oblivious. It didn’t make for great conversation. I blew out a sigh between my lips, jangled the car keys between my fingers.            Finally, I stood again. “I’ll be upstairs.”            I took a few slow steps at first, giving them a chance to acknowledge my leaving, but still no one said a word. So I left the kitchen and ascended the stairs, two steps at a time. At the top, I paused – the hall looked longer than I remembered, my bedroom door at the very end, closed and … small.            My throat felt thick. My stomach rolled.            No. I wasn’t ready.            I turned around and headed back down. I’d have to face it eventually, but there was no rush. Instead, I spent the better part of the next hour inspecting the rest of the house. For the most part, everything was the same, with just a few new licks of paint. And everywhere I looked, every place I stood, was filled with the memories I had tried so hard to forget.            It was why I hadn’t come back – why I couldn’t. Too much had happened here in this house and in this town, and there were faces of people I once knew that I was afraid to see again. And some faces that I never would.            Sometimes, that felt worse.            I was standing outside the open patio doors, watching the clouds roll by overhead and lost deep in reverie, when voices drifted through the house. My parents were talking, laughing – and Charlie had at last arrived from work. The moment their voices fell into a hush, I knew they were telling him I was home. It was how they always used to talk about me, and it was how I always knew that I didn’t belong.            Well, I wasn’t going to make the first move. I’d let Charlie decide how he wanted to approach me after all this time.            It didn’t take long.            “Hey, sis.”            I turned to look at him over my shoulder as he stepped tentatively to my side. Calling me ‘sis’, or ‘sister’, was something he had always done; always referring to me as what I am to him. If he ever used my name it meant he was being serious. Maybe this meant he was going to be civil.            I tried to smile, but it was weak. “It’s been a while.”            He nodded, hands in his pockets. He was still wearing his work uniform – a black tracksuit with baby blue stripes down the sleeves of his jacket, and a shiny nametag attached to the left pocket. And there was stubble, which was unusual for Charlie. He was the poster-child for pristine, but there seemed to be something … relaxed about him.            I poked his chin. “What happened here?”            He grinned and dragged his fingers down his cheeks. “Trying something new.”            “Being a man?”            He rolled his eyes, but he still laughed a little. “I just wanted to see if I could pull off a beard.”            “They take a while to grow, you know.”            He shrugged. “It’s only been a week.”            I turned my eyes back to the sky and we fell into silence. He shifted and sighed and continued to glance at me from the corner of his eye. I wondered if he was ever going to say what was really on his mind – something he used to avoid doing with me when we were younger. Until things got bad, anyway.            “You look good,” he said. “Better.”            I chewed the inside of my lip.            I turned to face him, and I saw his wall shoot up. But I held my tongue.            That wall – we both had one. It was how we could tell when the other was on the defence, when things were about to get sour. It was a way to tell when we had said something we shouldn’t have; a way to prepare for biting our tongues before we said something regrettable.            Perhaps we had both learnt to finally back down from a fight, because as much as it caused an odd twinge in my chest, he wasn’t wrong. I did look better, and rather than make an unnecessary snarky comment, I offered a small nod instead. He seemed to relax at the gesture, then turned back into the house.            With not much else to do, I followed. Dinner was almost ready; the smell of boiled vegetables and minted lamb drifted through the rooms. I taught myself to cook while I was away, so that I didn’t have to face the horrors of living on packet noodles or mac and cheese, but my mother’s cooking reminded me that I wasn’t anywhere near her level yet. Home-cooked meals had become a distant memory, and to say I hadn’t hungered for them would be a terrible lie.            We each took a place at the dining table – exactly the same as before – while my mother laid out all the food. Dad tucked in first, pulling a few slices of lamb onto his plate, followed by a large portion of cabbage and sprouts. And those damn diced carrots. Then Charlie did the same as we waited for the roasted potatoes to come out of the oven.            I waited until everyone else began to eat before filling my own plate and, as I predicted, there were more potatoes and gravy left over than vegetables. I took one small scoop of sprouts, then shovelled the potatoes onto the side of the plate before drenching them in gravy. I used to do this when I lived here – I missed it. Just for good measure, I took a few extra slices of meat, too.            They chatted as we ate, and I sat back and listened. And it was while my eyes searched their faces as they spoke that I saw how happy they were. They were content, talking about work, laughing at inside jokes about colleagues. Laughing at each other’s stories in general. I garnered a few quick glances from Dad and Charlie – but my mother avoided eye contact throughout dinner. It was fine: I wasn’t waiting for her to notice me, I was too busy taking in this life, this family, that wasn’t mine.            Somewhere, deep down, I ached.

[vexation-virgil]

Colors (Part 4)

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Soulmate AU) Pairings: Prinxiety, mentions of Logicality Warnings: General angst, cursing, mentions of death, mentions of past suicide(Again, if there is anything that needs tagged, let me know!) Summary: Everyone knows when you meet your soulmate, the world is supposed to fill with color for the both of you. Unfortunately for Roman Patrick, that is not always the case.

Taglist(!!): @pendragonqueen09 , @anaveragegayfan , @stillebesat

A/N: There is some SERIOUS stuff in this chapter so please do not take the warnings lightly, I don’t want anyone to feel triggered or hurt by this chapter.Thank you.

The next chapter will have some more Logicality so wee! Enjoy and thanks for reading!

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 You are Here PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8 PART 9 PART 10  PART 11 PART 12

Roman made it through the next day with a revived, upbeat spirit. The promise of time spent with his soulmate was enough to have him singing Disney songs in the morning, doodling in classes, and forgetting his lines during rehearsal because his mind was an hour ahead of himself in the library. That and he had been practically dancing through the halls all day. His attitude had changed enough that even his brother had mentioned it while they were eating, in passing commenting on the sudden mood change and what it could mean - only to be shushed by Patton and told to enjoy it.

(He was proud to say that he’d managed to tone himself down enough to not scare Virgil off from seeing him that afternoon. He still took his seat at the front of the class and only blocked Virgil from leaving the class long enough to confirm their plans for meeting. No more creepy staring reputation was the goal, after all.)

That didn’t keep him from nearly sprinting towards the library after Mr. Sanders called for the end of rehearsal - with a very pointed reminder to study the lines. He slowed the closer he got, catching sight of lavender hair hanging over a book at a table in the back of the library and a pencil rolling between Virgil’s fingers as he concentrated on the text in front of him. Roman placed a hand on the other to announce his arrival after noting the headphones covering his ears, causing Virgil to jump and drop his pencil. Virgil slid the patterned headphones off of his ears and glared up at Roman, “I’m almost positive there is a better way to announce showing up, dude.”

“Well, I would’ve used a different method if you hadn’t had your ears covered by those ginormous headphones, Grumpy,” Roman informed him matter-of-factly as he dropped into the seat beside him and started pulling out the assignment they had agreed to work on.

Virgil rolled his eyes and dog-eared the book before shutting it. “There wasn’t anything playing on them,” he admitted. “I can’t focus when I’ve got music playing. But they keep people from talking to me so I tend to keep them on anyway. Not a big fan of conversation if you couldn’t guess.”

Roman snorted. “Yeah, I think I could’ve figured it out,” he said with a small smile on his face. “Though, honestly, I would’ve blamed it on our rocky start.”

“Yeah, well, forget it, Princey. New start or whatever. Let’s talk about The Color Study. The first of six soulmate stories we’ll be reading and writing about this semester. I can’t believe how many they’re making us read this year.”

If Roman wasn’t mistaken, he could hear something similar to annoyance at the mention of soulmates from Virgil and the smile on his face quickly dropped to a frown. “You don’t seem very pleased about that. Those are some of my favorite stories. Romance and true love and all that fun stuff. How do you not love all that? How do you not want that?”

“Because it all ends in heartbreak and depression and someone being alone. Why does anyone want that?”

That made him blink. “It doesn’t always end like that. My friend’s dad died and his mom was just as bubbly and happy as always. She knew their time had come to an end. She was just happy she got the time she did with him. Most people continue to live complete lives with their soulmates, anyway, and die within years of each other.”

“Yeah, okay?” Virgil said, voice sharp. “Not everyone gets that. Not everyone’s time comes to an end when they’re ready. Not everyone gets a happy ending. Life isn’t some fucking story, alright? My dad is stuck here without my mom because she decided she didn’t want to keep going. My dad isn’t allowed to go because my mom begged him on a little piece of paper not to follow her. I was afraid he was going to anyway.” Something darkened on Virgil’s face and Roman watched his spine straighten out. “I don’t want to do that. Ever. We’re done talking about it. Just give me your paper so I can start marking it up.”

Roman opened his mouth to come at him with a rebuttal, ask how he intended to keep himself from seeing when the time came but snapped his mouth shut when he thought about the possibility of Virgil completely shutting him out. Maybe his soulmate had already been able to pull it off. They traded papers and slipped into silence, their argument looming over their heads the rest of the afternoon.

When Logan showed up to bring him home, Roman’s mind was spinning with the gained information. Virgil didn’t want a soulmate and seemed nearly sickened by the idea that people did want that because he’d had to watch his father suffer after losing his. Roman couldn’t say he particularly blamed him. He remembered Logan panicking when he decided to spend a week at a science camp and realized two days before he left that he was going to have to go without Patton, the idea of leaving his soulmate behind for even a short amount of time shattered his typically steely exterior.

It wasn’t easy to imagine having one of his parents without the other, either, especially unexpectedly. Patton’s father had died with they were young but they’d been expecting it after a terminal cancer diagnosis. They’d been able to prepare for the inevitable loss. If Roman had put the pieces together correctly, they hadn’t been expecting the death of his mother. It had come abruptly and painfully quick through her own hand. The thought made Roman’s stomach turn.

There was also the question of whether or not he could actually force himself to not see the color. Had anyone ever done that before? Was it even possible for someone to do that? Even if it was, would the other still see color if their soulmate was so against the whole idea? Roman hoped. He hoped and he hoped and he hoped.

“You’re quiet,” Logan said, voice cutting through the silence in the car. “I was hoping your improved mood would stick for longer than one day. Do you… Have something you would like to talk about, Roman?”

It was sweet to see his brother trying to talk to him about his feelings, something that he typically reserved for when Patton was around to run interference with Logan’s far too logical thinking. “No, nothing. It was just a long day,” he told him, though he followed with a short pause. “Actually, I had a question. I was speaking to a classmate about a particular story we had to read and it seemed to me that he doesn’t believe in the whole… Soulmate thing.”

“That’s illogical. That is not something that is deniable in this life. It is a proven fact that soulmates exist and that they are how we are able to see the full spectrum of life.”

“Right, yes, I know that, obviously, but he said that he doesn’t want one. At all. Do you know - with all that science in your head - if it’s possible for someone to ignore that connection? To ignore the color if they truly don’t want a soulmate?”

“You know that this is not my area of expertise, Roman,” Logan grumbled, glancing at him sideways. “But, as far as I am aware, no one has truly studied this. There have been very few people in this world who did not want a soulmate, even fewer who did not want one so strongly that they were able to ignore the connection. Though, if Pat was here, he would tell you that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it.” Roman hummed and his brother continued. “I, also, do not believe that it is completely impossible that someone would be able to push that down far enough for it not to resurface immediately after meeting their soulmate. It would be a fascinating study if one was to find someone like that.”

Roman nodded a bit as he listened to his brother branch off into the details of such a study, though he was stuck on the idea that it was possible that the feeling could be shoved down far enough to not come up. He was stuck even more on the word immediately. The word came with the suggestion that they could come up with time, with a connection, and the hope sizzled in his stomach. Perhaps all was not lost, perhaps he was not one-sided, perhaps it would all work out in the end.

Roman had hope.

[njadaddy]

Redeem Me - Chapter 3

Taj

"And he's at your facility?"

"Yes Amber," I laughed. "I can't tell you exactly who's gonna look after him. To be honest, I low key shouldn't tell you that he's at the facility. But since you went to school with him, and you wondered about where he's been these last few years like me, I decided why not?"

"Have you seen him yet?"

"No. Well, not in person. I saw a picture of his military license,"

"And how did he look?"

"Lord Amber," I huffed. "He looked, not so good."

"You mean by "he looks like he's tired" not so good, or "he been through some sh-t" not so good?"

"He's been through some major sh-t Amber. His, um...cousin, dropped him off at the facility saying he needs major help,"

"What cousin?"

"I know right! He has a cousin from Wakanda apparently,"

"Wakanda? Isn't that in Africa?"

"Yep. I did research on it last night. I didn't find a whole lot except it's isolated away from everyone and doesn't accept aid,"

"Oh wow,"

"However, from how his cousin was dressed the other day, he looks like he comes from a wealthy family. Like he doesn't need any aid,"

"Who knows? What I didn't know was that Erik had any family besides his parents who passed away. Now he has a cousin from an isolated, African country? What has he been through all these years?"

"I dunno girl, but I'm gonna find out this week. He's been through some sh-t, and I just hope he'll accept help,"

"Ha! I forgot how stubborn that n-gga was. Maybe he's loosened up a bit?"

"Please. After spending years in the military, he's probably worse than he was back at MIT. You know how military guys are,"

"I sure do," she laughed, as I did too. "Are you headed to work now?"

"Yep. Packing the rest of my folders into my bag right now. Hopefully I'll be able to see him today and I'll tell you whatever I can,"

"Yeah let me know how it goes forreal. To hear his name after 10 years is already odd enough. Thought that n-gga died or something,"

"Oh please don't say that," I chuckled, trying to ignore the sudden sting I felt in my chest. "I'll talk to you later on. Love you girl,"

"Love you!"

Even when I was on my way to work, the pain in my chest would not leave. The last time I felt this pain was years ago back when he left for the military. Not to be on some cheesey sh-t, but I remember that evening like it happened yesterday. How we went to our usual pizza joint, and spent some time at our favorite comic book shop. The whole time, he was trying to act like how he normal did. However, I could tell something was off.

Way off.

Just to keep the story short, he broke up with me later that evening. Even though he said his primary reason for breaking up with me was sparing any doubt and sadness for him being in the military, it felt like he was just bullsh-tting with me. As if us never speaking to each other ever again made me less heartbroken.

I swear on my Dad's grave that I tried my hardest to not let my feelings for him grow. With each passing semester however, they did just that. He was one of the few people at MIT I felt comfortable spending time with. H-ll, I even told him things that I wouldn't of told my friends and family back in Oakland.

That's another conversation for another day. Right now, all I have to focus on is my usual schedule, and the slight possibility of me being able to see him. Knowing Miriam and how thorough and private she is with her patients, I might not have the chance to do so.

"Good morning Destiny," I smiled at my other coworker, sitting at the front desk. She just started here two months ago, and has been a huge help with not only the clerical work, but with some of our patients as well.

"Good morning Dr. Jones! How's your morning?"

"It's going good so far, and what did tell you? Call me TJ," I smiled, as I entered in the lock combination and went inside the back room. "Is Miriam here?"

"She should be. Check her office,"

After I settled my bags into mine's, I made a quick cup of coffee and headed to Miriam's office.

"Good morning Miriam," I knocked on the open door, watching her typing on her keyboard profusely.

"Morning Taj," she responded, still looking at her Mac computer. "Need anything?"

"Oh nothing. Just wondering how you're doing and what your plans are?"

"You wanna see that guy don't you?"

"Excuse me?"

She chuckled, before stopping her typing and leaned back into her chair. "I saw how you was looking at him the other day. You could barely take your eyes off his picture,"

"Oh please. I was just looking-"

"I may be 57 years old, but I can still tell when someone has that look in their eyes. Eyes never lie Taj. You know that,"

"I know Miriam. I know," I rolled my eyes, playfully.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

"No ma'am," I smiled quickly, as she shook her head.

"Young people these days,"

"I'm 28! I'm far from young!"

"You probably shouldn't say that out loud," she chuckled, resuming her typing on the Mac computer. "Anyways, you can't be in the same room as us, but you can help out with delivering his meds and other tasks."

"Meds?"

"Oh yeah," she picked up a Manila folder that laid on top of one of the many folders across her desk. "From what I can tell you, he needs some. Not a whole lot surprisingly, but boy does he have a history."

"Well yeah, from his parents dying when he was only six, to going from foster home to foster home, to going to the military?"

"And only god knows what he's seen while being shipped overseas,"

Now the sting in my chest spread even more. While I'm still pissed at him for just breaking up with me so abruptly, my heart still aches for him. Hoping that he's okay and whatever he's been admitted into our clinic for will be curable.

"What time is it?" I looked down at my Apple Watch. "While I'm so busy focused on him, I need to be prepared for my patient coming in soon."

"9:30,"

"So he should be here soon,"

"Mr. Stevens or your patient?"

"Both," I huffed, as I looked down at her beige carpet.

"Hey," she walked beside me, and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "It's gonna be okay. Just focus on your patients, and I'll focus on giving him the best treatment. He'll get better."

"I'm not worried about him. As long as he's in your care, I have no worries,"

She gave me a sensible grin. "Now, it's 9:32. I have exactly-"

"Dr. Wesley!" Destiny came practically running into her office. "Dr. Wesley!"

"Yes Destiny," both of us turned swiftly. "What is it?"

"Your 10 o'clock. He's here,"

"Erik's here already?" I asked, which she responded with a nod.

"Yeah. He said he wanted to get here earlier and, um, in his words, 'get this bullsh-t over with',"

I rolled my eyes. Yep, sounds just like the n-gga.

"Well then, I have nothing else to do," she laughed. "Tell him I'll be right over there."

"Yes ma'am," she nodded, before walking back to the front.

"If you need any help, let me know," I nudged her elbow.

"I thought I was the head therapist here?" she chuckled, before walking into her office and grabbing her Manila folders. "We'll talk later on, okay?"

"Alright," I nodded, before heading back to my office. Not only is the sting growing across my chest, but now my hands are shaking. Maybe it's the caffeine that's getting to me?

Or maybe the fact that the person I used to be so head over heels for is in my mental health clinic, seeking help and treatment for only god knows what?

@someareblindtoitsbeauty @killmongerdispussy @njadakasrage2 @njadont @maya-leche @hoopshoney @eriks-girl @desertfyre @chefjessypooh @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @autumn242 @njadaka-apologist @heyauntieeee @lilmonger @bartierbakarimobisson @killmoncoochie @uhlxis @omg-blackqueen @itsmarshalltime98

If anyone else wants to be tagged, let me know! Thanks!

[kyloswarstars]

Mamma Mia!

Star Wars, Request AU

Request: can I request a modern!kylo ren x reader based on mamma mia!(Sophie’s plot) thankkk youuu

Pairing: Kylo Ren Organa x Reader

Warning: none (but swearing as always)

Words: 6.2K

A/N: First I was like „okay, who could be reader’s parents“, but then I was like „nah, I should do Sophie’s plot with Kylo of course…“ (idk if the request was meant that way in the first place anyways 🙈) Honestly, this was the hardest request yet (or story in general), but it was also super fun to write. I hope you can enjoy it! 😊 @buried-in-books thanks a lot for the amazing beta work 🤩💐 Any similarities to other writers’ work are not intended. All ideas used in a fanfiction I post are made up in my brain (as long as it is not a request).

∞ Tag: @lokey-bucky-stevey

/////

No matter how exhausting the last days of college for this semester had been, it couldn’t kill your positive vibes. It felt like your body was constantly producing a high amount of endorphins. It felt like this for nearly over a year now, ever since you had met Kylo on that rainy day where your dad’s jeep broke down on your drive around the island.

The jeep got repaired, though. Since you moved to O’ahu, your dad gave up on getting it back ever again and left it to you. It had been to his benefit: he could finally buy that new truck he always wanted and didn’t have to feel too guilty about it.

The drive from the city, directly to Kylo’s place, was too long today – even with your good mood; or was it because of your good mood? You had just finished the last exam, which meant it was officially summer break for you. It also meant there were only two days left until your wedding. Then the dork of a surfer dude would be your husband. You couldn’t wait for it anymore.

May was nearly over, still, there came in some good waves if you were patient enough to wait for them. Kylo was. He wasn’t a patient guy at all – the best example was the proposal at Christmas after roughly five months of knowing each other – but when it came to surfing, he was the personified patience. You pulled into the hostel parking lot, parked the jeep and walked around the building. Nine out of ten times he would be in the water when you arrived, whether it was surfing for fun or teaching it to some backpackers.

You couldn’t stand sand in your shoes, so you took them off and carried them along the beach. It was warm enough to wear shorts and a top, it was actually pretty warm – the summer started early this year. Wind blew over the beach, and it ruffled up your hair but that was okay. The wind brought a wave that revealed Kylo on his surfboard. He surfed it right to the beachside – that could only mean he had spotted you on the beach once again. Kylo had eyes like a hawk: he always noticed you approaching the water.

When your bare feet met the wet sand Kylo grabbed the surfboard under his arm and took the last few steps out of the water – with a huge, bright grin on his lips. The water must have a decent temperature for him to surf without a wetsuit. He dropped the board to the sand and slammed his arms around you. You’re clothes got soaked by his wet body. Kylo loved to do this every time you appeared on the beach when he was in the water. He swayed with you, tightly in his arms, from one to the other side.

„I missed you,“ Kylo whispered into your ear. The water in his hair dripped into yours.

„It’s only been like six hours.“

He broke the hug to look down at you. Kylo was so madly in love with you that even six hours were too long. He couldn’t remember anymore how he survived the three and a half months after your summer break until you finally moved to O’ahu. To be honest: he didn’t even want to think about it because he planned on never being so long apart from you ever again.

Kylo placed a kiss on your lips and another one on your forehead, then returned to staring at your face. Before you, he never knew that he could admire cheekbones and a jawline so much, or dark circles from weeklong studying for exams and simultaneously working at the gas station.

Your face was the only thing he wanted to look at for the rest of his life. Kylo would be alright if he couldn’t see the ocean anymore, or the sunset and the sunrise, as long as he was able to look at you. He didn’t want to miss a day where he could see your soul shine through your eyes right at him. You never did that with someone else, only with him, and that made it even more mesmerizing.

„Oi, Y/N!“ Behind Kylo appeared two guys you hadn't noticed before because your eyes had only been on him.

Poe and Finn stepped out of the water, in wetsuits. You knew them from several wedding preparation Skype calls. Kylo had told you he would get them from the airport while you were writing the last exam today.

„You’re here.“ Your clothes were wet already so you hugged them both at the same time, without even asking. „So nice to meet you in person.“ They agreed simultaneously with a ‚same‘ and instantly gave you an update on their flight. Poe mostly mentioned airplane stuff because he was currently studying to become a pilot himself one day; Finn talked about the toddler in front of them and how he made grimaces for her because she had cried a lot.

The three boys had a lot to catch up on, and it was cute to see Kylo with his two best friends. He missed them since they left the island for college, you knew that. He always talked about when they were kids and learned how to surf. When you didn’t study for college, didn’t work at the gas station, or didn’t spend time out on the water or with Kylo in general, you helped out at the hostel.

Leia, Kylo’s mother, has ran it for over fifteen years now. She founded it to create a welcoming and familiar space for backpackers and travellers with a low budget. Technically, it was a big family house where everyone integrated pretty fast to the community. Leia’s plan had been resistance. She didn’t agree with the huge hotels that demanded horrifying prices for one night. She believed that traveling was about an adventurous experience that took your breath away when you remembered it, not about worrying over a budget.

Most of the visitors stayed longer than they originally had planned because this hostel wasn’t only a hostel – it was home. When new travellers came in and there was barely space for them, Leia always figured something out. She had a talent for improvisation.

There were two young backpackers from Sweden, Vera and Sven, twins that explored the world together. You loved the fact that they, as siblings, went out into the world together. They had lived in the hostel for nearly four weeks now.

You headed over to the kitchen, leaving Kylo alone with his mates, to check and see if you could do something. Vera and her brother were washing some dishes, you helped them, and made sure they wouldn’t go out on a hike on Saturday. They assured you, again, they wouldn’t. You loved being at the hostel because you had made so many friends from all over the world. You loved even more that everyone that had checked in at the moment would be attending the wedding. One big family to celebrate with – it couldn’t get any better.

/////

Kylo lit the fireplace at the beach every night. It belonged to the hostel and was the evening hot spot for all the visitors, and for some neighbours too. Benches were made out of old palm trees – they weren’t as uncomfortable as you first imagined they would be.

„I need to tell you something.“ Kylo first looked at you. He felt guilty because he didn’t mention it to you before. Usually, it would’ve been something he would have discussed with you at the very beginning, but he had hesitated. And then the ‚right time‘ had passed and he felt like he couldn’t bring it up anymore. He looked to Poe and Finn. „I invited my father to the wedding.“

„You what?“ You looked at him in surprise, but it was probably more like shock.

Poe placed his beer in the sand so he wouldn’t drop it. „Dude, I thought you don’t know who your dad is.“

„Well, I still don’t know it.“

„Who did you invite then?“ Finn wore the most confused face.

Kylo got up and grabbed some new wood to put on the bonfire. „Three possible fathers?“

„What the fuck?“ He looked at you. Kylo loved your cursing, it was part of your humour, and he loved even more how you broke into laughter. Suddenly he didn’t know why he didn’t tell you right away, seeing your reaction. „How?“

„When I was clearing out the one room for renovation, I found an old box with photos. Mom used to do a lot of photography before I was born; she labeled every photo.“

„Let me guess,“ Poe stood up, „you found three photos of men that were labeled with the time she must have gotten pregnant with you?“

„Yo.“ He fished the photos out of his pocket, he carried them since he posted off the letters. They looked at the men and read the labels.

„And you decided to just invite all three of them?“ Finn’s voice was really high, he didn’t try to hide his confusion.

„Yeah. I didn’t know which of them would be my father… with all three of them I’m not doing anything wrong, right?“

Poe looked at Finn, Finn looked at you, the three of you looked at Kylo. He shrugged and sat down next to you again.

You turned him to you. „Why did you keep it a secret from me?“ It bugged you, but not too much.

„I don’t know. It won’t happen again.“

„Yeah, it won’t because we’re over if you’re doing this again, Organa.“

„Y/N!“ Kylo snapped hysterically.

„Only a joke, babe.“ You placed a hand on his thigh. Whenever you touched him or he touched you, all the people around you got unimportant. „You can keep as many secrets as you want. You’ll tell me when it’s time.“ His face lit up again in the bonfire’s shine. „But what did you think? What is supposed to happen?“

Kylo shrugged again – he liked to do that – and offered some thoughts on how he wanted this thing with the father to go. He didn’t have a real plan. He just sent them the invitation to the wedding and didn’t think about anything else. That was a typical Kylo move.

/////

On the days you didn’t have college, you always tried to eat lunch with your dad. Kylo joined the two of you sometimes, but today you drove off alone. He helped out in the hostel because his mother already made preparations for tomorrow. She wouldn’t let him do it as she insisted on doing it herself. Kylo couldn’t do anything about it; his mom was even more stubborn than he was.

„Excuse me?“ Kylo had done some paper work at the reception and looked up to see three men with luggage standing in the small entrance of the hostel.

„Hello there! Nice to see you, how can I help you?“ He stood up and walked around the reception. It was always a pleasure for him to welcome some business men, still in their suits. They would come to the hostel from time to time to relive some good old times. When he eyed them with full attention something felt odd. Those faces looked familiar. Kylo had seen them before. He had seen younger versions of them…

Fuck. The photo men.

Kylo stared at them for a solid minute. He tried to remember the photographs and compare them to the men in front of him. The one in the middle, who had ‚excused himself‘, must be Lando. Seeing him now, he wondered if he, being Kylo’s father, was even a real possibility. Lando’s photograph had been a black and white one, without much lightness; it didn’t show clearly how he had looked twenty-five years ago.

The man to Lando’s right was dressed in a suit as well. He wore a lot of pomade to keep the wild hair under control – this must be Wedge. He didn’t care about his hair back in the photograph, it had been a mess; just like Kylo’s was, he realised.

The third man stood in the doorframe, finishing his cigar and wearing the most funky Hawaiian shirt Kylo had ever seen. He instantly recognised this man: Han Solo.

„We are invited to a wedding tomorrow. Are we at the right place? Is this Leia Organa’s hostel?“ Wedge unbuttoned his jacket and took it off. It was pretty hot for the end of May. Kylo wondered how he had managed to wear it that long without melting. „It’s actually funny, we met at the airport and shared a taxi because we randomly found out we all have been invited to the same wedding.“

„Are you choking on your own spit, kid?“ Han flicked the remains of his cigar away and came closer. Kylo didn’t speak for three minutes now. He hadn’t thought about what would happen when the men would stand in front of him. Again he hadn’t thought. He always just did things, never thinking about the consequences.

„Sorry.“ He cleared his throat to win some more seconds, in which he could think about what he would do with them now. „You’re absolutely at the right place! Please follow me.“

„Shouldn’t we check in first?“ Lando called after Kylo, but he had already went down the hallway.

„Oh no, wedding guests don’t pay.“ The three followed him to the end of the hallway to the one big room that was still under construction. Later it would be a ten-bed room, but for now Kylo needed to find some old folding beds he could offer them. „By the way, I am Kylo and it’s my wedding you’re invited to.“

„Yes, right! You’re Leia’s son, right? It’s a nice gesture to invite us to her son’s wedding.“

Oh right. Kylo sent the invitations in Leia’s name because he feared they wouldn’t come if it wasn’t for her.

„Yes, I’m Leia’s son.“ Maybe yours too, Lando.

It took him a few seconds to nod his head at Kylo’s confirmation. They followed him to the room, but hesitated to really enter. It was a construction area, Kylo understood why they didn’t want to get in completely. „I’m sorry, we’re a little short on space.“

„That’s alright, kid. It looks cozy.“ The Hawaiian shirt walked past him and dropped his bag to the floor. Lando and Wedge didn’t look as comfortable with the situation like Han, but they didn’t say anything against it.

Shoving them into a room was enough, right? „Yo, see you then.“

„Wait!“ Wedge stopped Kylo from disappearing to a corner, where he could hide and curse over his own stupidity and the non-existing plan of how to handle the situation. He should’ve told you from the beginning; you were good with plans. Or common sense. „What are we supposed to do?“

„Stay in there?“

„No way, kid.“ Han grinned mischievously and, again, walked passed Kylo, but this time out of the room, instead of in. Lando didn’t wait long and followed him, just like Wedge. When Kylo realised, they were in the hostel, in his mother’s hostel, he rushed after them. He only told you and his best mates yesterday. His mother for sure didn’t know a single thing about those three man that were here.

Kylo caught up on them when they reached the beach behind the building. „Do you want to go out on the water?“ Please do. Far out, Leia wouldn’t notice them too quick. In the meantime Kylo could call you for help.

„That’s why we’re here, kid.“ Hawaiian-shirt-Han took off his sunglasses for the first time and used them to point at Kylo. „Do you have some boards?“

„Yeah.“ Kylo gestured to his left side. „I’m running a small surf school that belongs to the hostel.“ To his luck, they followed him to the shed where all the surf stuff was stored. They spoke about some summer on O’ahu: how the water had been their best friend, how life had turned out since then. They probably spoke about the summer Leia got pregnant with him, still they didn’t figure out that all of them were talking about nearly the same thing. They all mentioned a woman, but not even then did they get it.

When they treaded off to the water, Kylo pulled out his phone and dialled you. He gave you a rap about what had happened. You laughed at him, but assured you would come over right after lunch.

Kylo returned to the reception, but also kept an eye on the ocean. He should be out there, it was irresponsible to let them surf without him observing them. But he couldn’t tell his mother she needed to take over the reception, Leia would get suspicious.

Somehow he was able to get them back into the room after their surf session. Kylo promised them some lunch if they stayed in the room. They agreed.

He used all the cooking knowledge he had, which resulted into pasta with tomato sauce. You were a far better cook than him; you always worked some magic and cooked the most delicious meals. Kylo was only good with cutting the veggies and preparing all the stuff – onions were his speciality because nothing could make him cry besides you.

/////

Her knucklehead had vandalised the hostel kitchen. Leia hadn’t thought about searching for him there because when Kylo was hungry, he went to the family apartment’s kitchen. This mess could only be made by her son, and it was typical for him to leave a chaos behind when he cooked. She couldn’t truly understand why you had agreed to marry him because he had so much of Leia in him, but she was happy you did. Maybe he would finally move out after getting married to you and give her peace when she wanted to watch ‚Friends‘.

„Mom?“ Kylo returned with three empty plates to the kitchen. He was surprised to find his mother there, even though he shouldn’t have been because it already had been a wonder that she didn’t cross his path since the three possible dads had arrived.

„Son?“ She looked at him with her unapologetic stare. When she noticed the three plates, her eyes squeezed and she came closer. „What is going on?“

„Nothing.“ He walked around her and put the plates in the dishwasher.

„Kid? Could we get some water?“ No. NO. Kylo couldn’t react as fast as he wanted to to prevent the catastrophe. Han appeared in the doorframe. „Mamma Mia!“

„Han?“

„Leia!“

Both of them stared at each other. Leia in shock, maybe with an escape plan to leave the island, even if she needed to swim; Han in complete fascination.

„Fuck.“ Kylo didn’t know what he should do. Why didn’t you arrive yet? You were far better with delicate stuff like this.

„What’s going on here?“ Leia put her hands on her hips and stared at her son. The last time she gave him that look, he had lit up the old shed in his uncle’s backyard by accident.

As if the situation wasn’t bad enough, two low voices got closer to the kitchen. Soon, Lando and Wedge arrived behind Han.

„Leia!“

„Why are you here?“

The three men, hit by realisation, got into a discussion until Lando cut it. „We’re here because you obviously invited all three of us. To Kylo’s wedding.“

Leia scoffed. „Why should I invite someone to my son’s wedding? We’re living in the twenty-first century, the boy can invite people himself.“ She covered her face with her hands for a moment; she did that to regain control over her thoughts. „And if I invited someone, it for sure wouldn’t have been you.“ Leia turned to her son. „What did you do? You’ll be the cause for my heart attack one day!“

Kylo somehow managed to overcome his shock and asked the possible dads to return to their room. He would come and explain everything, but he first needed to talk to his mother. They unexpectedly followed his request and left.

„Son, what did you do?“

„Trying to get everyone together. The family.“

Kylo could see how the anger left her face instantly. The wrinkles around her eyes got deeper, the sorrow on her forehead made clear that she had aged in the past years. „You know what we think about this.“ Leia took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes. She felt a little guilty.

„Yes.“ She had raised him with the knowledge that she didn’t know who his father was, and that the two of them were ‚enough‘. They had been their own little family. „But I also want to find out who is responsible for the other part of me.“ She didn’t respond so Kylo went on. „I found those old photos and I just invited them. This wedding will be a huge one, with a lot of people that are not related by blood, but by heart with – I just want my father to be there, too.“

„Was it wrong, that I never showed you the photos?“ Kylo had never seen his mother so emotional about that topic. She was a tough woman that always proved herself. When it came to her son, she could get really sensitive.

„No, mom. It’s alright.“

„I’m sorry, Kylo.“ She kissed one of his hands.

„I didn’t know how I should tell you, but I want you to understand it, so you don’t feel like I don’t appreciate our family.“ He kissed one of her hands. That was a thing they did since he had been little. „The wedding, the marriage, Y/N – it will be a new step in my life. I want to evolve and become the man that is worthy of her. I want to know where my roots are. Especially since I know her, because one day I’ll hopefully be the father to her children, and I want to know how it feels to have a dad.“

She nodded her head. Leia was aware that the ideals she had been raising him after, couldn’t automatically be his. It was natural for a child to want to know where it came from.

„So you don’t know who my father is…“

„No.“ She released his hands and started to clean up his mess. „It could be anyone of them, actually.“

„Really?“ It had only been Kylo’s assumption until now. Though at the same time he didn’t think she was lying to him. He didn’t think she only told him that she didn’t know when, in fact, she knew. She wasn’t one for lying.

„Don’t look at me like that! Your mom had a lot of fun when she was young.“ She chuckled.

„We don’t doubt that.“ Kylo turned around and nearly dropped the pot with the pasta. Finally. He wasn’t one for love declarations in public, but after all the trouble this morning, he couldn’t resist. He bowed down to you, still the pot in his hands, and kissed you. Long and intensely.

Leia and Kylo alternated with each other to give the different views of what had happened. You managed to talk Leia into leaving for the reception and finished cleaning up the mess with Kylo.

In the meantime, the three possible dads had found out they all had a thing going on with Leia that summer. Still, they didn’t come to the final conclusion when Kylo and you arrived in their room. In fact, they all fumbled at their luggage and mumbled something about the airport.

„What are you doing?“ You could hear in Kylo’s voice that he didn’t want them to leave. Before you had interrupted him and his mom, you had heard what he had told her. You didn’t really want to listen in on them, but it had been too tempting.

„We came to the conclusion that Leia probably doesn’t want us here. We’re leaving.“ They would actually make a good boy band, you thought. Lando as the frontman, because he seemed to speak for all three of them, Wedge on the drums, and Han would be the crazy guitarist that shreds his guitar on stage every now and then, or all the time. He seemed like the type of guy that did only crazy stuff. Or at least that’s what his funky Hawaiian shirt said.

„But I want you there.“

„Kid, we thought we were here because Leia wanted us here. Sorry.“

„My name is Kylo, not kid, and I’m your son. Yours too, Lando. Wedge, same applies to you. As far as I know one of you is my father, so I want you all to attend our wedding as part of my family.“

The three possible dads, now aware of it, sat back on their folding beds. They needed a few minutes to overcome the shock. It surprised you that this fact seemed to bring them closer together. They discussed about it like they had been friends for more than half of a day.

„You know, I want the whole experience. I never had a father, so I’m okay with all three of you. If you’re okay too?“

Again, they talked about it like Kylo and you wouldn’t stand right in front of them.

„Alright.“

It took them a hour to adjust to the news. They didn’t flip, they were just highly confused about becoming fathers so suddenly. But becoming a parent was obviously funnier when the child was allowed to drink alcohol with you. Over some beers, they shared a lot of theories about how Kylo had Wedge’s hair and Lando’s eyes.

You excused yourself after some time to get out on the waves. Kylo wanted you to stay but he also didn’t want you to miss out on your daily surf dose.

He enjoyed talking to the men. They were actually the coolest dudes and he loved that they were here and were staying for his wedding.

Finn and Poe joined the boys in the afternoon. The evening quickly turned into Kylo’s stag night. A lot of beer, a lot of jokes, a lot of getting to know each other better.

You had spent hours out on the water, when you came back, you didn’t want to interrupt the stag night thing they had going on, so you stole a kiss from Kylo and said goodbye until tomorrow. He didn’t want to let you go so easily. It was the last day were you would be his girlfriend – technically his fiancée. Kylo stole some more kisses until he released you, so you could head to your car.

It felt wrong to open the car door and leave and not sleep over at Kylo’s place. Fuck the ritual of not sleeping in the same bed the night before the wedding; nothing or no one could hold you back from tugging yourself into Kylo’s sheets.

/////

Han opted out at some point. He had a mission. No plan, but he wanted to talk to Leia. He snuck around the hostel, searching for her. She crouched over a lot of papers at the reception.

„You raised a good man.“

Leia looked up. His voice could still give her shivers. „Did you expect something else?,“ she pursed her lips.

„I didn’t expect you to have a child at all.“

She crossed her arms as an answer and got up to stand in front of him.

„So I wasn’t the only one that summer, huh?“ His eyes beamed at her. He wasn’t mad, he was just fascinated to see her again. Over all those years, she had lingered in the back of his mind.

„Han, you still think you’re the only star in the sky?“ Leia had loved his stubborn head, and even his ridiculous self-confidence.

„I for sure know you are mine,“ he smirked. How could that man still work his magic the way he did twenty-five years ago?

Kylo turned away when he saw his mother kiss Han. He hadn’t expected to become a witness of such a scene on the way to the family apartment. In hope they wouldn’t notice that he had heard their conversation, he sneaked passed them and hurried to his bedroom. He found the sweetest surprise when he entered it: you, curled up in his blanket.

Kylo had hoped you would change your mind and stay over. It made him incredibly happy to be able to wrap his arms around you now.

You recognised his presence and pulled him closer, pressing against his chest. God, he couldn’t wait for tomorrow when you said ‚I do‘ and this here would be available for him the rest of his life.

/////

When he slept, Kylo’s facial mimic was completely relaxed. It was the most beautiful view you had ever seen. Most times you tried to count his freckles the Hawaiian sun had given him. You had stared at him for a long time already. You woke up when it was still dark outside; now the sun started to shine through the curtains.

„We’re gonna get married today,“ you smiled when he opened his eyes. Kylo wasn’t a morning person at all. Usually it took him a hour to process information with a tired brain, but today it worked faster. He nodded and managed the most sleepy, but happiest grin. You scooted closer to him, so you could kiss his adorable face.

A billion kisses and a coffee later, you drove back to your place. Your dad was already running in circles when you arrived. He was definitely more nervous than you.

„Do you want me to do your hair?“

You were a bad bride for not even thinking about your wedding hair until this very moment. „Sure.“

Your dad had obviously thought about it. He seated you in front of the bathroom mirror and rushed out to come back with a small bowl of freshly picked flowers. „I thought about putting them into your hair.“ You could only smile at how cute he was.

When your parents still had been together, your father always used to do your hair. He thought a dad should be able to do it – the ‚it isn’t manly excuse‘ never worked for him. You didn’t only move over to Hawaii for Kylo, but also for your dad. Living together with your mom had been alright, but living with your dad was far more funnier.

He was actually better at braiding than you were. He transformed two strands of hair, one from each side, into a crown. With the flowers, he placed in the crown, you felt like a fairy.

You’d been left alone to change into your wedding dress. Never had you dreamt about to marrying at twenty-two, but Kylo and you, that was far more than you ever thought could be possible. It’s not that you didn’t believe in true love, you just never expected it to be possible to fall so hard for someone.

The wedding dress felt odd. It fluttered around your ankles when you walked out of your room. You had expected to find your father right in front of your door, but he wasn’t waiting for you. Instead the front door was opened. When you went outside, you were greeted by cheers.

Your mom was here. And she had brought Rey and Rose with her, your two best friends from Florida. Those traitors had told you they couldn’t make it!

„Did you really think we would miss this day?,“ they screamed and rushed up the steps to engulf you in a group hug. Your dad recorded the scene with his phone.

„That’s not cool,“ you laughed. Actually, it was awesome.

Your mom had placed her hand over her heart and looked at you with that motherly pride in her eyes. She kissed you and then laid a white lei around your neck. „Are you ready?“

/////

You weren’t ready. Not even the slightest. The drive over to the hostel took ages, but at the same time it had been over too fast. Your heart nearly jumped out of your chest when you got out of your jeep. Your dad wanted to drive you in his truck, but that way you would have had even more time to think about what you were going to do. Driving yourself, you had at least had control over that, when you didn’t have it over your heart.

Three hours ago you hadn’t been nervous at all, and now you were about to vomit because of what was ahead. You couldn’t understand it. Since his proposal on Christmas you had been excited for this day. Now, that it was here, it scared you.

„Take a deep breath.“ Your dad, who was by your side, took your arm and linked it with his. „That’s normal.“

„Are you sure?“

„Yes.“ He kissed your forehead and dragged you through the hostel to the beachside.

They had rolled over the old palm trees as benches and left space in the middle for an aisle. On each side of that aisle, a lot of people stood up to turn around and look at you, as your dad led you down the aisle.

There he was, at the end of the aisle. He looked so good in his shorts and the short-sleeved shirt. You didn’t know he would wear white too. The sight of him, and his smile, calmed you again. It was Kylo, get your shit together.

Your dad handed you over to Kylo when you arrived in front of him.

Holy shit, you looked so mesmerizing. Beautiful was an understatement. He tried to ignore the knot in his stomach. He tried so hard to enjoy this moment, to just see how fascinating you, and everything around, was. Still it didn’t feel right.

Kylo noticed you were shaking when he grabbed your hands in his. He had expected you to smile but you didn’t. Your eyes gave away that something wasn’t right for you either.

„Kylo,“ you leaned over to him and whispered into his ear, „I really want to marry you. Just not today.“

„Yes!“ He shouldn’t, for the sake of you, be so happy about your words. „Oh yes, thank you for saying this! It feels strange, right babe?“ Kylo wrapped his arms around you. He couldn’t believe, that what he wanted for so long wasn’t the thing he still wanted. Not now.

„Can we just wait a little? Like a year? Or ten?“

„Absolutely.“ He peppered you with kisses. Over and over again his lips crushed into yours. Until the crowd got too loud with shouts that demanded an explanation on what was going on.

Kylo looked into your eyes to make sure of your agreement before he turned to them. „No wedding today, folks.“

The guests, your parents and Leia, your friends, even the three dads erupted into loud questions. After the initial shock, some started to laugh and gave remarks about how it should have been obvious something like that would happen with the two of you.

Kylo and you walked down the aisle, together, but not married like you thought you would do it when you woke up today. You felt relieved. You loved that dork so much, but for a marriage, it was a little too early.

„Maybe you’re wrong, kid.“ Kylo stopped in his tracks, you too. Han took the place where Kylo had stood just moments ago. Everyone got quiet. „Come on, Leia.“ He called it over the whole beach.

Kylo could make out his mother in the first row. She gasped and hid her face in her hands again.

„The only reason I came to this island is you.“ Han’s grin was so bright, it actually outdid the sun. He looked at Kylo. „Sorry, kid.“

Everyone noticed the tension. Everyone knew this wasn’t a joke or completely absurd because otherwise Leia would have already protested.

/////

„I can’t believe we didn’t marry.“ Kylo drove your jeep. You had planned to go on a little honey moon with your tent around the island. Not saying ‚I do‘ wasn’t a reason on why you shouldn’t make a little trip anyways.

„I can’t believe your mother did.“

It had been the strangest day ever. Kylo got three new dads, Leia got a husband, and you the reassurance that Kylo loved you even without a wedding certificate.

„Kylo?“

„Yeah?“ Even with his sunglasses on, you could see him smiling with his whole face.

„Pull over.“ You unbuckled your seatbelt before the car came to a complete stop. „I need to kiss you.“ It went on like this for the next few days. You couldn’t get enough of him and never would. There would come the day when it would be right to marry him. Until then, you would gladly be ‚only‘ his girlfriend.

[mari-vargas]

ALRIGHT WHO WANTS TO HEAR THE EPIC TALE OF HOW I MET MY COLLEGE FRIENDS?!?!

It’s okay if not, I’ll be telling it anyways.

SO

When I went off to college I still had a full semester before I turned 18. Random way to start sure but it’s plot relevant. The week before classes started was move in week and my move in day was all the way at the start of the week MEANING I was there for ALL the welcome week activities. My chosen dorm was an off campus apartment style dorm. I was in a double in a six person cluster, meaning I shared a room with another person, a bathroom with my roommate and the person in the single connected to my room, and a kitchen with the people in the other double and single rooms in our cluster.

Again….how is this relevant? Well the person in the single I shared a bathroom with just so happened to be the RA in charge of my building (multiple clusters were in a building). As such while she knew all of her residents she saw more of the five people she shared space with than those in the other clusters, and by default was more invested in us. My roommate was actually close friends from high school with the twins occupying the other double in our cluster, and the person in the other single was often out with her two friends she had come with even on the first day. Which left me. I had not come to this university following or followed by friends (although I had friends join me in later years). Also, admittedly, my default personality while I’m adjusting to a new situation lacking any familiarity comes across as quiet and distant—or, as my RA decided: anti-social. With the others already having friends and me incidentally being easily corralled she made sure to drag me to every single welcome week event. The worst had been the pool party but thankfully I had been with the twins and my roommate and when they noticed me hyperventilating and struggling to respond adequately to my surroundings one of them let our RA know we were leaving while the other two simultaneously shielded me and made a path through the crowd to remove us from the area.

But this story is not about that. Rather it’s about the event at the end of welcome week called “Rock the Block”. Taking it back to my aforementioned age, in order to get in to these events we had to sign a waiver—or alternatively if we were not yet of age then our parent(s) had to have signed a waiver for each event (which my parents had done prior to heading home after moving me in). But even with that, there were still many things throughout the events that someone under the age of 18 was not permitted to participate in. None more so than Rock the Block, unfortunately. I had been the only one my RA had managed to snag and drag along this time, but even she disappeared not long after ensuring I was inside the event and therefore less likely to “avoid socializing”. I wandered around Rock the Block trying to find something to enjoy and mostly just being glad the swarms of people had more space to spread out than at the pool party. Pretty much the only thing I could do as a 17 yo was eat…and primarily due to my anxiety of the situation I was in with no discernible allies, I wasn’t much in the mood for food. All of the activities required participants to be 18 or older (likely in case of injury).

I was particularly drawn to one activity which was a sort of jousting thing where participants stood on pedestals with giant foam Q-tips being used to knock their opponent from their pedestal. I could hear the girl in charge asking each person wanting to have a turn if they were 18. Now I could have lied—even considered doing so—but my anxiety for the situation I was in prevented me from attempting knowing I’d likely not be able to hold my conviction to stick to said lie. So instead I watched. Wandered off but always came back. One such time when I came back this scrawny guy with floppy hair and wearing glasses was getting onto a pedestal against a professor. Needless to say he was a goner. While I had been watching these two other guys—both tall, one a big guy all around not notable chubby but just solid and tall, the other also tall but just a bit shorter and lanky—came up near me to also watch the spectacle.

Scrawny guy wound up succumbing to his fate and fell from his pedestal, and then popped back up, spotted me and the two other guys standing there and in a tone of voice fitting for a knight of yore in a call to arms asked “Will anyone avenge me!?” All I could think in this moment was ‘This is my chance!’ So in the same tone I responded “I will!” Only to be shot down by the person in charge asking (also in that valiant tone) “Are you 18?” Aaaaaand just like that the wind was knocked from my sails because just as I had predicted I was unable to bring myself to lie.

In the meantime, scrawny guy had gotten his shoes back on and had approached the three of us. He thanked me for my attempt to avenge him. Somehow scrawny guy, lanky guy, and big tall guy got on the topic of video games and they weren’t excluding me from the conversation. Using knowledge gained by listening to my friends in high school (ranging from future hopeful video game developers, video game enthusiasts, and computer wizzes) I was able to somewhat keep up and even contribute to the conversation as the four of us walked off a little ways. At a lull in our conversation, scrawny guy suddenly blurts out “Hey do you guys want some Australian licorice?” The other two asked about this and what it was and all and it’s apparently in scrawny guys dorm, where he’s inviting us.

Now I’m already strung out and on high alert and then alarms start blaring in my head. For one I’m being offered candy to be lured somewhere, but the louder alarm is that I’m being asked to enter a guy’s bedroom. With three guys. Number one rule had always been to never enter a guy’s bedroom alone, to always remain in a public area ESPECIALLY if I was actively uncomfortable in a situation. I honestly do not know why I decided what I did. But….looking at scrawny guy I came to the conclusion I could easily take him down if needed to, and it was a dorm in an actual dorm hall with a lot of people roaming around so I’d likely be heard if I screamed. In short I decided to heck with it, this was a chance to make friends (and hopefully in one way or another get my RA off my case about being more social).

The four of us went to scrawny guy’s dorm where he got out a bag from a candy store as he’s babbling about how his mom had said something about sharing candy being a good way to make friends. He offered it to each of us…but then I saw the candy. It was red. My anxiety levels—already beyond being measured—somehow shot up even higher knowing that given my current stress level any amount of Red 40 would wind up with a severe immune response starting with a bad eczema outbreak that would last for weeks or even months. I had two options and I didn’t particularly like either of them: I could flat out refuse the offered sweet, or I could ask if there was Red 40 in it and have to endure my embarrassment at explaining my weird allergy.

I wound up asking if there was Red 40 in the Australian licorice. Conversations halted and, baffled, scrawny guy stuttered that he was unsure and asked me why. Why I explained his eyes got as wide as his glasses and he started babbling which basically boiled down to he would ask his mom. I did not have any Australian licorice that night but was told it tasted like strawberry flavor. The four of us made plans for a cartoon marathon (which would be held in the (public) tv room of scrawny guy’s dorm hall). Turns out yes it does have Red 40, but regardless our friendship had been sparked and the final two of our permanent crew (well I suppose one of those two dropped from the group upon our graduation but he was permanent until then) joined us at the cartoon marathon we had set up.

My RA was still kinda buggy but calmed down when she saw with her own eyes that yes I wasn’t just saying things to get her to back off but I actually had been social and met people to socialize with. I’m not sure how I had managed to find people who not only didn’t try to take advantage in some way but actually went out of their way to make sure everyone in the group was watched out for, but I’m really glad me ignoring my warning sirens did not backfire on me.

And to think—if I had denied the offer of going to a boy’s dorm for Australian licorice I couldn’t even eat, I never would have met my now fiancé. Funny, how life works isn’t it? One small moment, a mere drop in the ocean, has a rippling effect creating huge crashing waves.

[avengerofyourheart]

In the Arms of Justice Epilogue (Cop!Bucky x reader)

Characters: reader x Detective Barnes, Steve, Tony, Sharon, Natasha, OC Sarah and Maggie Rogers. (Most only mentioned)

Summary: Reader is a witness to a crime, tying her to the investigation as well as the police involved. She never would have guessed how that one night would continue to change her life years later.

Warnings: SO MUCH FLUFF YA’LL. 

Word Count: 1924

Tags at the bottom. TAG LIST IS CLOSED, I’M SO SORRY.

A/N: This is it, you guys. The end. I loved the ending of Part 22 but I had a lot of fluffy thoughts about their future so here you go. :) Gimme all your thoughts about this last part if you’ve got ‘em!! I love you guys to the moon and back!! <3

<<<Part 22   Epilogue (The End)

In the Arms of Justice Series Masterlist

Full Masterlist

_________________________________________________

18 Months Later

“Please tell me this is the last of it,” you whined, huffing and puffing while climbing the stairs with a box in your arms. “Whose idea was it to live in a three-story walk-up anyway?”

“Yours,” Bucky answered from behind you, a teasing tone in his voice while equally winded.

“Excuse me? I do recall you were there for the whole apartment selection process, so you shoulder at least part of the blame,” you fired back jokingly, shifting the box to your left hip as you opened the apartment door that was left unlocked.

You both placed your boxes on the wooden floor of the living room and attempted to catch your breath, wiping sweat from your brow. Walking into the kitchen you opened the nearly empty fridge and grabbed three water bottles. You returned to the living room to hand a water to Bucky, set one on a nearby box and then downed one yourself.

A moment later a wide-shouldered figure was blocking the light from the doorway before entering the apartment, one box stacked on top of the other in his hands. A shock of blond hair was barely visible above the top box before he set down his armload on the floor carefully and then straightened up with a smile on his face.

“Last of the boxes! Congratulations! You’re officially moved in!” Steve exclaimed enthusiastically, placing a fist on each hip with a sense of accomplishment. You stared at him, marveling at the fact that he hadn’t even broken a sweat and seemed unfazed by all the heavy lifting and stairs climbing. With his stamina and strength, you could have sworn the blond detective was super-human.

“Yay,” you celebrated weakly, barely raising a fist into the air. Bucky came to stand beside you, looping an arm around your waist and pressing a kiss to your temple.

“This was the hard part,” he assured you. “It’ll feel like home in no time.”

You surveyed the dozens of boxes around you and groaned, slumping against Bucky in defeat.

“I can help you guys unpack for a bit if you want,” Steve offered, catching the third bottle of water Bucky tossed at him before taking a swig.

“Nah, that’s okay,” you replied. “But thank you for all your help, Steve. You get back home to your girls. I think we’ll just order some takeout and unpack the necessities before passing out. We’ll handle the rest in the morning.”

“You sure?” he asked, then shrugging when you nodded in response. “Alright, then. I’ll see you soon, Y/N. See you on Monday, Buck.”

Bucky pulled his best friend into a hug with a clap on his back. Steve then pecked a kiss on your cheek before heading for the door.

“Let me know if you change your mind. I could bring the whole family, make it an unpacking party. The little ones can run around making the whole process harder but more adorable.”

You and Bucky laughed at that. “We’ll let you know. Have a safe drive,” you waved goodbye.

_______________

After six months of dating, Bucky gave up his apartment and moved into yours. You’ve spend every night together anyway so two apartments seemed silly. Bucky continued to work odd hours depending on the case, but Stark seemed to pick up your meaning from the conversation at the barbecue and backed off a little. Things were still a bit strained between him and Bucky and probably always would be, but he trusted Bucky to do his job well and tried to keep his snarky remarks to a minimum.  

Your job was still as rewarding and emotionally draining at times, but Natasha truly appreciated you and was willing to let you work from home on days Bucky was blessedly off work. The possibility of attending law school had been returning to the forefront of your mind more often. It was a huge commitment and time away from work, but when you asked Natasha if the firm was still willing to pay for it, she readily agreed. She was willing to work around your schedule and help in any way she could.

You talked it over with Bucky and despite his previous teasing about lawyers, he supported you one hundred percent if you chose to go.

“You’ll be the kindest, sweetest, hottest, most honorable bloodsucker in the city,” he had smirked, earning him a slug in the arm from you followed by a kiss.

When you were accepted into law school at Columbia, you were both ecstatic. Bucky insisted on taking you out to dinner to celebrate, but an important case delayed it for a few days. You didn’t mind. He was out there keeping the city safe and you couldn’t be more proud.

Before starting school, you convinced Bucky to make a trip to your home town to meet the family. Your parents were hesitant for you to be dating a man with such a dangerous job, but as you told them the story of how you two met (albeit slightly edited) and how he saved your life more than once, they were so grateful that any supposed doubts about Bucky were quickly forgotten. And as you predicted, they loved him almost as much as you did. 

You made it through your first semester of school, passing with flying colors while still working part time. Thanks to your previous paralegal studies and real-world experience, you were able to test out of certain classes and would graduate earlier than expected. Bucky surprised you with a weekend away to celebrate. Three days spent at a beach house with no tests, work, or chasing criminals to worry about and with Bucky by your side, it was absolute bliss.

On a sunset stroll down the beach one night, you walked barefoot with your sandals in one hand and Bucky holding the other. The waves lapped lightly at your toes and you thought the moment couldn’t be anymore perfect when suddenly Bucky dropped to one knee there in the sand and proposed. A gorgeous, modest diamond ring was nestled in a velvet box before you and your eyes filled with tears. Dropping to your own knees to meet his eyes, you shouted a chorus of “YES” at the top of your lungs before kissing the love your life with all the passion you could muster. Your boyfriend slipped the ring on your finger, becoming your fiancé and future husband in a glorious instant.

You called your parents after an appropriate post-engagement romp in the sheets and a late dinner. They were so happy for you, but not surprised. You learned that Bucky had called them the previous week to ask for your hand, a practice you thought long dead but you appreciated the tradition and loved him even more for respecting your parents by asking.

After a six-month engagement and another semester of law school under your belt, you and Bucky were married in an intimate ceremony with Steve as his Best Man and Wanda as your Matron of Honor. Steve’s daughters acted as flower girls and Libby, his Golden Retriever carried the rings on her collar up the aisle as Ring Bearer. Your wedding was fun, emotional, personal, and full of love. All you could have ever hoped it would be.

Bucky splurged on a three-week honeymoon to Eastern Europe where you saw the most beautiful, historical cities and majestic mountain ranges your eyes had ever seen. Your new husband also had distant relatives in Romania so you spent time getting to know them, as did Bucky since he hadn’t visited since he was a boy. Upon returning home, you spent a week packing and moving into your new place you had bought together. You loved your old apartment, but it was a one-bedroom and you both wanted a little more space closer to work and school.

Besides, it was nice to have a fresh start as husband and wife to build your life together.

__________________

Taking a look around at the bare walls and stacks of boxes, you let the excitement of a new beginning fill you once again. So much potential and decisions to make to turn this new space into a home. As you prepared to move, you both decided to sell the majority of your furniture to avoid lugging it up the three flights of stairs and also to make those decisions of decorating together. The one exception was Bucky’s bed. It had replaced yours when he moved in and you were never letting go of it if you had any say. It was like sleeping on a cloud and there were sweet memories attached to it, including your first night together.

Bucky caught your eye and pulled you into his arms facing him. “I’m so excited to start this new chapter with you, Mrs. Barnes.”

“I’m looking forward to forever with you, Detective Barnes,” you grinned, capturing his lips in a lingering kiss.

Your makeout session was interrupted by growling stomachs, so you ordered Chinese food and ate it sitting on the floor. Bucky had located glasses and silverware after searching a few boxes. Steve (or more likely Sharon) had gifted you a bottle of wine for a housewarming gift, so you each had a glass or two with dinner. You joked about whether or not Chinese food paired well with red wine or white, earning a snort from Bucky since he had his mouth full.

You both discussed where artwork should go on the walls and which furniture to purchase first. Bucky eventually jumped up to clear a path through the boxes so you could get to the bedrooms. He picked up one particular box and peeked inside to see some of your schoolwork and books.

“So this can go in the….second bedroom? Or would it be the office?” he asked you as he walked down the hall, his voice echoing in the empty space of the spare bedroom.

“The office. For now,” you answered while digging through a box in the living room.

“For now?” he questioned, poking his head back in from the hall.

“Yeah. I was thinking….eventually the nursery,” you said bashfully.

His eyes grew wide. “You mean…are you…”

“No. Not yet, but I think…soon. What do you say?” you asked with a smile.

He closed the space between you in a few steps, gathering your face in his hands. “I think…the sooner the better. In fact, let’s practice right now!” he exclaimed throwing you over his shoulder as he headed for the master bedroom. “Steve’s already got three, we gotta catch up!”

Your laughter echoed through the hallway, then you were tossed onto the already made bed, which thankfully you had thought to set up first thing. The bed had been Steve and Bucky’s first trip up the three flights of stairs before sore muscles set in, which was wise.

Bucky crawled up the bed toward you as you spoke. “Catch up, huh? They have three kids under six and apparently are at it like rabbits, you really wanna compete with that?”

He kissed you tenderly as a warm hand wandered under your shirt. “If this competition involves making love to you as much and as often as possible, then I’m all in. I can’t wait to start a family with you, Y/N. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, Bucky,” you said breathlessly as he rid you both of clothing, christening your new home as husband and wife in the best way possible: in each other’s arms.

_____________________________________________________

IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE. Oh gosh, this was so much fun. I really hope you liked this last installment of this series. I’ll miss these characters, but I’m on to a new project already so I hope you’ll stick with me! Any feedback is appreciated. I love you guys. 

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[satisfractions]

cold // jimin

word count // 7.5k

genre // fluff, angst

summary //  in which busboy!jimin meets server!reader and shows them how to feel human again

a/n // so... this was supposed to be uploaded like a week ago but i kept changing the story around but! it’s here :D.  next imagine will be a yoongi request i got a week ago so look out for that and yeah

It was winter again.  

To the rest of the city they noticed this in the change of the weather.  Slowly the hot and rather humid air would begin to cool off.  It would feel nice at first in contrast to the height of summer when the entire city would be a roasting valley of hell.  Then it would become much cooler, and eventually freezing on some days.  People would begin to trade their tank tops and shorts in for jackets and coats, covering themselves completely so none of their body would be subject to the icy wind.  

No matter how many layers of clothing people put on, each day surprised them with a new weather condition.  One day it would be powerful winds that would cause some children to fall and tumble.  Adults would find themselves struggling to breathe if they faced it head on, trying not to be pushed back to where they started.  The next day the air would feel like piranhas as it slowly bit at your skin, tearing away layer and layer.  The coldness would usually be dry as noticeable by the hundreds of people who could be seen with chapped lips.  But on some days, it would be humid like the summer, which made choosing outfits very hard.

No matter what the weather was like, at the end of the day it was expected for the body to be numb from the cold.  Most people after they came home would spend the rest of their night heating up.  Whether that be with a boiling shower or with dozens of blankets.  Only to go out the next day and repeat everything again.  

Above the people the clouds would form together and create masses of grey smothering clouds that blocked any hope of sunlight from coming in.  With time, they would grow heavy and snow would fall, covering everything in its path.  Cars, buildings, and people would be seen with at least a couple of layers of the icy slush.  No matter how much they shook it off or scraped it away, the snow would come back quickly, piling higher and higher.  

On certain days, it seemed like the whole city was made from smoke.  The fog would be so thick that you wouldn’t be able to see the next street down.  Structures and buildings would seem to disappear and at times it would seem like nothing was there.  The haze would collect around trees, creating something reminiscent of what was there during summer time.  The branches were covered in ice during the morning and slick in the afternoons after the sun would peak through for an hour or so.  

Locals would also notice the streets starting to clear up.  The number of tourists would slowly dwindle until around Christmas time when it would shoot up but quickly fall within the week after New Year’s.  Then it would stay at a relatively low number until the sun started to come out again, warming up the city.  But for the six months of winter the city was quiet, at least quiet for the locals.  They enjoyed it this way; less people to push past, less people that stopped them to ask for directions, and less people crowding their home.  

Although the city maintained some of its liveliness as there were still masses of people that contributed to the cultural hearth, it was much greyer during the winter.  The people themselves continued their ways of life which brought some splashes of colour to the city.  Their daily interactions warmed themselves and those surrounding them.  But nothing that would amount to changing the city in the winter.  The city itself always remained… bleak and somewhat boring during the winter.  

The locals didn’t mind, though, it was a nice change of scenery from the summer facade that everyone thought of when they thought of the city.  It was a different atmosphere that felt wrong to any outsiders who overstayed their welcome into the city but to the locals it was sometimes the only time of year they longed for.  They would bare the numbing cold if it meant seeing the true colour of the city come to life.  

Again, that is how only the rest of the city saw the comings of winter.  You saw the same signs as well, growing more and more excited as the days grew shorter.  When you found yourself needing a jacket to get to work you told yourself it would only be a couple more weeks.  You knew the cold came quickly and rather hard and you knew the patterns of the customers during the winter.

Every year the rooftop would be closed once it got too cold for the customers to be seated up there.  During the summer people would reserve their tables weeks in advance but in the winter, it was abandoned.  Any customers who wanted to be seated up there weren’t allowed due to health regulations and the plain fact that after 30 minutes they would be trudging down the same stairs that brought them up to complain.  So, when the weather got too cold, a sign was placed at the bottom of the stairs prohibiting customers to be seated on the roof.

For the customers, the sign was always a bit saddening as the rooftop was something your restaurant was always complimented on.  You couldn’t count over the years how many would come in excited only to be met with a rather disappointing sign.  For you, however, it was like an early Christmas.  

The first year you worked as a server you hadn’t paid any attention to the sign.  You barely enjoyed your job in the first place and all the sign told you was that you didn’t serve as many tables.  Which meant less customers that complained, less food that was prepared incorrectly, less plates that were dropped.  Besides the acknowledgement of having to do less work you didn’t think a second thought of it.  In fact, until the beginning of December, months after the rooftop seating was closed, you completely forgot about it.  

You were still in your first year of college when you started working.  With bills starting to pile up and notices about loans coming into your mailbox every week you realized it was time to stop putting off working.  Although you had worked at a couple of jobs before, they were in your old town.  The jobs that they offered to people your age paid relatively well but they required much more than anything you had applied for before.  

But you still applied and surprisingly, within a month you were offered a couple of interviews.  The only job you actually landed was one at the restaurant you were working at currently.  To say it was fancy was a severe understatement and although it paid a considerable amount more than the others you were looking at or any of your previous jobs; it was still back breaking work.  

You thought that with college your social life would become nothing but you managed to keep some of it through the endless papers and grades.  Now, you were lucky to have a couple of hours off between school and serving.  The break time you did have, whether it be during school, during work, or before you went to sleep, you studied since you were limited on time to prepare for tests anyways.  

You thought you could handle it at first, and you did.  From when you started to the end of summer break you handled working beautifully.  Although you felt yourself becoming more exhausted each day you pushed it off and told yourself it would be worth it after college.  That’s what got you through the last semester of first year and the summer.  And you believed that’s what would get you through the next years of college, well that and the extra pocket money.

Second year started and you were feeling fine, for the first week or so.  But after that you found yourself slowly becoming more tired.  Each day that passed by strung you along, to school and then to work and back to your house for sleep that never was enough.  And that’s all it was.  The free time you once devoted to studying was filled up with work and though you found some satisfaction from the money, it wasn’t the same.  Now you felt like a robot.  You couldn’t remember the last time you were with friends or with family.  You talked with the customers, and sometimes your coworkers during breaks, but they never held any meaning for you.  You felt yourself slowly deteriorating.  

But to others, they couldn’t tell the difference.  You had always been silent in school and during work you kept a smile on your face for the customers.  It was your job to.  So, when one of your coworkers, Jimin, found you crying and holding your bag in the staff room, he was shocked.  At first, he didn’t say anything but then he quietly walked over to you, setting down your bag and leading you out of the staff room.  At the moment, you couldn’t focus on anything but your emotions so you didn’t realize he was leading you out of the staff room until you were at the foot of the stairs.  Jimin had moved the sign out of the way and motioned for you to go up the stairs with a small smile.  Although you didn’t exactly want to be in the cold, you also didn’t want any other staff members to find you in the same state that the he had.  So, you went up.

You could feel the air becoming colder with each step but you continued upwards.  There was no sound between the two of you, only the wood panel creaking and the kitchen below could be heard.  This continued until you reached the top of the staircase, only a door between you and the rooftop.  You wiped some of the tears away before opening it, immediately tensing at the cold.  It was frigid against your bare arms and face, biting at your skin.  But you didn’t stop, somehow you felt the cold welcome you onto the rooftop.  You felt it take your hand to lead you out to the side, where below you could see various people walking through the newly formed slush.  

You heard the door close followed by footsteps coming closer to you.  Jimin took one of your hands and helped you sit down on the side, only protected by the fence.  You didn’t pay attention to the cold and somewhat damp surface of the rooftop and instead looked out over the city with him.  The restaurant wasn’t the highest building in the city but it still rose above most of its surroundings; allowing you to watch the city’s movements like you never had before.  You never came up here unless you had tables, which was rare as most of the senior staff liked to work up here.  When you would find yourself up here you were too busy with your tables to notice the beauty that the rooftop allowed you to see.  

You let your mind drift as you clung onto the rail with one hand, the other still holding Jimin’s.  You thought that once the both of you sat he would let go but he held tight, without saying any words.  He was looking out as well but you couldn’t tell what he was looking for.  His eyes were too high for the city but were low enough that he wasn’t looking directly at the sky.  They were searching for something beyond the city.  You found yourself instead of watching the city with him, looking at him.  

Jimin had been working for longer than you since he was already there when you arrived.  But other than that, he was a mystery.  You never felt curious because he was just another one of your coworkers, you didn’t have enough time for friends outside of work so there was no reason to get to know him better.  Although the two of you never had any true discussions, the both of you were a good team.  He was your assigned busboy and you, the server.  You made sure to do your part in serving the food and he made sure to do his part after the customers left.  When it was needed, you helped each other do the other’s work.  And that’s all your relationship was.  

But here, with the two of you sitting on top of the rooftop.  Your legs crossed against the rail, his dangling over the city below.  Him watching something, not saying anything to you but just being there beside you.  So, you wouldn’t feel alone on the abandoned rooftop.  Here is where you found yourself staring at him.

His face was unfamiliar in the moment.  Usually his mouth was upturned with whatever smile he wore for that day, whether it be a small one or a large grin.  When he greeted the customers as they were leaving it was always the latter, resulting in his cheeks puffing up and his eyes completely closing for a second.  When he wasn’t smiling like that his eyes were still bright and shiny, they welcomed whoever he was talking to.  It wasn’t a surprise when the customers, as they were leaving, would add to their tip after talking to him.  The way he carried himself around the restaurant, it was charming to say the least.  

But now, in this moment that had all vanished.  He wasn’t grinning or even smiling.  His face wasn’t one of anger or sadness either, he looked peaceful.  His body was loose and he didn’t look concerned about his appearance.  His eyes and cheeks were dropped as they weren’t being pushed up by his mouth.  The way he watched the city, you were jealous in some ways.  Although you could appreciate the beauty of the place you had spent the last year in, it was obvious that he felt totally at home.  On the rooftop, in the middle of a sea of buildings and people.  You realized that this was the first time you had seen him relaxed.

You didn’t want to ruin the moment between the two of you but you found yourself wanting to ask him why he brought you up here.  But instead of saying anything, you continued to look at him.  Eventually he caught on to what you were doing and sent a smile your way.

“Are you going to stare at me for the rest of your lunch break?” He asked.  He was turned towards you now but had let go in the process of moving his body.  

You shook your head, feeling your cheeks warming up realizing you had been caught staring at him.  “No, sorry.”

You both didn’t say anything for a moment and you were about to turn back to the city so you would stop staring at Jimin, and stop embarrassing yourself.  But when you moved your head he cleared his throat.  

“During the winter-” He moved so his arms were around his knees, his head resting on them. “-I come up here, just to sit whenever I have a break.”

“Why?” You asked.  You looked down at the railing and played with the metal rings.  It had been such a long time since you��ve talked with anyone for longer than a quick “hello”, especially in person.  You thought you had been alright without it, and for the most part you had been.  But having the start of this conversation with Jimin made you want to start crying again.  You hadn’t realized how much you missed… society.  

“To think mostly.  Plus, it’s way too hot and loud in the kitchen downstairs,” He grinned as he said this and you laughed a little.  You noticed that this smile wasn’t like his other ones that he wore downstairs.  The ones downstairs seemed like they were natural but now you realized that this was a true smile from him.

“Why did you bring me up here?” You finally asked the question you had been wondering since you opened the rooftop door.  Jimin tilted his head slightly and looked towards the city, thinking of an answer.  

“Well, I did find you crying,” He said, making your cheeks flush.  You had completely forgotten about what state you were in 20 minutes ago.  Although the tears were still dried on your face your mood had vastly improved.  “You looked like you needed to be somewhere like here for a little bit and besides, it’s always nice to talk to someone.  Only if you want to though.”

You nodded and looked up towards the taller buildings in the distance.  Before he brought you up to the rooftop, you know that you would have turned down the invitation to talk to anyone about your problems.  You had always been like but the solitude from your friends, and even your family, greatened the feeling.  But now, when you were sitting with him and watching stories in the city unfold before your eyes like you had never seen before.  You realized it was time to talk to someone.  If not, then your mentality would worsen.  

“I feel like a machine.  I go to school, I work, I sleep and then I repeat the same schedule every single day,” You sighed, leaning against the railing.  You paused but Jimin didn’t say anything, waiting for you to continue.  “I know that in the future I’ll be grateful that I won’t have a mountain of loans to pay off but… is it worth it?  I don’t think I feel human anymore.”

With that you pushed your arms and legs through the holes of the railing, letting most of your body dangle onto the street below.  You didn’t want to feel anxious when Jimin didn’t respond, but you couldn’t help yourself.  You forced yourself to keep looking at the city as you knew you would break down again if you saw him leaving, which is what you thought what would happen.  But he stayed.  He moved closer to you and you tensed when you felt his hand on your back.  You relaxed when you realized he was just tracing circles on your back, offering you a silent comfort.  

“Do you want to know what I think?” Jimin asked, breaking the small silence that was created.  You looked up at him, waiting for him to speak his thoughts.  “I think that it’s smart of you to look towards the future.  And maybe in 10 years you will be thankful that you started working now.”

You nodded and were about to reply when he cut you off.  “But, if you’re asking yourself ‘Is it worth it?’ then it might not be.”

“I mean it’s worth it some of the time because I have money I can spend but it’s just gotten so much harder,” You sighed.  

“What has?”  

“I guess just… life.  School and work don’t cause this much stress individually.  But when they’re together… I feel like I’m at my breaking point.”

“Limit yourself then.”  At this you looked up in confusion and he continued.  “Don’t work as much and try to cut down on school.  It may take harder to reach your financial goals but I think your mental health is worth it, don’t you think?”

His smile was back as he looked down at you.  You returned it and nodded slightly, thinking about what he said.  “Yeah, you’re right.  I’ll talk to one of the managers about my schedule this week.”

“Good, it’s important to look after yourself.  Or I’ll have to drag you out here again.” He bumped you with his shoulder and you giggled a little.  You reached up and rubbed your face, wiping away the dried tears that were still there.  Your cheeks immediately heated up which was a nice contrast of the still icy air.  You knew there was a likely chance of waking up with a cold tomorrow but in the moment, you didn’t care.  It had been a long time since you took time for yourself and you weren’t about to cut that short.

Jimin shifted beside you and his hand left your back.  You quickly looked over at him to see him getting ready to stand up.  “You’re not leaving me, are you?”

His body tensed slightly at your question and he paused before shaking his head.  “I figured you wanted to be alone, do you not?”

When you shook your head he sat back down, this time closer to you.  You scooted in as well, leaning against his body.  He didn’t tense when as you rested against his side, instead lifting his arm back over your shoulder so you would be more comfortable.  It was warm and comforting against the air.  Everything was warm about him.  Jimin was someone who was inviting to everyone else, he was as radiant as the sun, he was something you realized you needed.  

The two of you sat there, watching everything and nothing at the same time.  Nothing was said between you both, only sounds of the city wandered through the silence that had been created.  There wasn’t anything else needed to be said at the time.  So, you let your mind wander and drift as you saw Jimin previously do.  When you looked up at the sky, you found some serenity hiding in your despair.  

And that’s how you spent every break during the winter.  Jimin’s break schedule followed yours so whenever you went up the stairs, you knew you would find him.  And you would join him, in the freezing cold.  Sometimes the two of you would talk.  At first most of the conversations boiled down to you talking about your problems that you’ve dealt with and continue to deal with.  Eventually Jimin started to open up about his life but he still kept most of his problems to himself, not wanting to burden you.  But it didn’t matter to him, he was happy to be there and to help you through yours.  

The times when you didn’t have any words to speak, you both would just sit.  Eating your lunch in silence or viewing the changes in the scenery.  New buildings would be put up, old ones were knocked down, billboards constantly changed, and the people were always fun to watch.  The two of you would laugh at the random oddities you saw and make jokes about them for weeks on end.

During those breaks, no matter how long or short they were, you found yourself warm afterwards.  At first the air would hit you and although you had been outside during the dropped temperature before, you would always be surprised at first.  But slowly, from sitting next to Jimin and talking to him, you would always find yourself warmed up by the time the two of you went back inside.  

Eventually the sign would be taken down in late spring, long waiting guests excited to go up and view the rooftop would be walking on the stairs that your friendship with Jimin began on.  That day was always heartbreaking each year, though you always knew it would come.  Which is why you cherished your moments together.  When the sign was taken down the two of you wouldn’t meet anymore on the rooftop, instead opting for the back of the kitchen.  Although the kitchen never felt right in terms of atmosphere, you ignored it and focused on Jimin instead.  

After work you would both wait for each other to be finished.  He would almost always walk you home, unless you insisted.  Then he would reluctantly agree, only if you agreed to text him when you got home so he knew you were safe.  On your walks, you would talk about your personal lives, focusing on the good things more so than the bad elements that you always talked about on the rooftop.  You slowly found yourself feeling more human after talking to him for so long.

With the both of you becoming closer it wasn’t a surprise when Jimin surprised you on the rooftop.  Earlier in the day he had left a note in your locker telling you to meet him on the rooftop after work, instead of outside where he would then walk you home.  You found the note at the beginning of your lunch break but when you asked him about it he feigned innocence but hinted that it would be a “very good idea” for you to go to the rooftop after work.  

When you finally got off of work as expected, Jimin wasn’t waiting for you by the front door of the restaurant.  So, you made your way to the stairs and climbed them, recalling the past when you first walked up those stairs.  A faint smile made its way onto your lips as you neared the top door.  

As expected, the cold air immediately made you shiver but you pushed forward into the night.  The sun had set a while ago so the stars were already shining brightly over you.  You smiled up at them and looked over to your usual sitting spot to see Jimin sitting on a blanket with a box next to him.  You made your way over to him and he immediately rose, taking your hand to help you sit down.  

“So… what brings you up here?” Jimin asked, facing the city.  You looked over at him confused before seeing the small smile he was trying to hide.  You giggled and bumped his shoulder with your own making him turn towards you in mock hurt.  “What was that for?”

“For trying to act like you don’t know anything,” You said, pointing a finger at his chest.  He laughed a little, tilting his head back and closing his eyes.  You saw how his eyes crinkle and his nose scrunched up.  He ran one hand through his hair, and kept the other on his chest, clutching his shirt.  You lived for moments like these, when he was totally undone in front of you.  You couldn’t help but stare at him, in awe at his beauty.

When he was done laughing he reached behind himself to present you with the box you had seen earlier.  But now, looking at it closely you saw it was one of the takeout bags from the kitchen downstairs.

“What’s this?” You asked, gesturing to the bag.

“This is dinner, for us.” He grinned but quickly changed his face to look like he was thinking.  “But since you’re so mean for hitting me, I don’t know if I should let you have any.”

As he said this he pulled out some containers and started to open them, showing you that he had brought your favourites from the restaurant.  Although you couldn’t afford to eat there every night, or even once a month, you still enjoyed when you had the delicious food.  Your mouth watered at the sight of all the food.

“Park Jimin!  How did you even afford all of this?” You said, eyeing the food.  You looked up at him for an answer but he only gave you his mischievous smile in return.  

“I can’t,” He said with a laugh.  “I convinced the chefs to give me some of the leftovers instead of hogging it to themselves.”

You nodded, knowing how much convincing the chefs would need before handing over their food they saved for after hours.  The two of you dug in, picking up different boxes and savouring the taste.  You both moaned with each bite, giggling afterwards at your slight innuendos.  

“Hey Jimin,” You said, licking the last bit of parfait from your spoon.  You both had moved from sitting across from each other to laying down, with your head resting on his chest.  His hands gently played with your hair while you finished the last bit of food that he insisted on you having.  

“Hm?” He replied.  

“How come we’ve been on the ground eating all of this food when there’s a bunch of tables and chairs all around us?” You asked.  It was true, all of the furniture that was on the rooftop during the summer stayed there, through fall and winter into spring.  All of it was in place as well, ready for use at any moment.  You craned your neck to look up at him after you asked the question and he only laughed in return, stopping his hair playing in the process.  He tilted his head back and you saw his eyes close, his hair bouncing softly.  His chest vibrated under your head and you found yourself smiling up at him.  

“You and I both know that those chairs are for a bunch of rich grandparents who bring their babies to a five-star restaurant.” He looked down at you.  “Not for some 20-year olds who prefer being in the freezing cold than a slightly warm kitchen.”

“Slightly warm?” You teased, knowing he hated the roasting kitchen and took every chance he got to stay away from the inferno.  

“Yes… slightly, extremely-way-too-freaking-hot, but still slightly, warm,” He huffed and you giggled at his response.  

You had finished the rest of the food and the empty cartons laid evidence to the feast you both just had. You moved your head back to resting on his chest and looked up at the sky, knowing he was doing the same thing.  His fingers resumed their position on your scalp and you closed your eyes, thinking about nothing other than his warm touch.  

“I was wondering-” You opened up your eyes at the sound of his voice but kept your stare at the sky.  “Would you like to go somewhere else?”

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.  

“Do you want to, maybe, go somewhere else besides the rooftop one of these nights,” He said, this time his voice a little quieter and softer.  His fingers slowed, and you could barely hear his voice at the end.  

“Have you finally gotten too cold?” You joked, looking up at him.  You expected to see his teeth slightly chattering or his body shivering even a little but all you saw was his face red, redder than it normally was in the cold.  Even under the shadows of the buildings you could see the colour clearly.  You sat up slightly and looked at him with concern, hovering your body over his.  “Jimin, your face is red?  Are you okay?  Do you need to go inside?”

“Uh no… I mean yes I am okay but no I don’t need to go inside.” Jimin covered his mouth as he gave out a slight cough.  After seeing the hesitation in your face, he shook his head and smiled up at you.  “I’m fine, I’m fine.  Don’t worry about me.”

“Then why do you want to go somewhere else?” At this point you had gotten all the way up and sat next to him, cross legged.  He looked away from you, playing with his hands, his face becoming redder with each second passing.  You poked at his side.  “Jimin?”

“I was-” He coughed again.  “-I was, uh, wondering if you wanted to maybe go somewhere else… like go out somewhere else.”

You watched as his face bloomed with red and his shoulders scrunching up slightly after saying that.  A small smile crept onto your face, eventually being replaced by a large grin and you covered your mouth to keep from giggling at his embarrassment once you realized what he was asking.  You watched as he bit his lip and closed his eyes, tightly.  You figured he was nervous so it wasn’t long before you lunged down onto him, taking him by surprise.  

“Wha-” Was all he said as you hugged him.  Slowly he brought his arms around you, softly hugging your body.  

“You know the answer is yes.” Your voice was muffled into his jacket and you felt his body freeze after you said that.  You pulled up from him to see him looking at you, wide eyed in astonishment.  

“Really?” He sputtered, in awe.  

“Of course,” You laughed, poking his side.  His surprised expression changed into one of excitement as he quickly sat up, pulling you into his embrace.  You wrapped your arms around him, sighing at the warmth.  He swayed with happiness and you giggled, you being muffled again by his jacket.  

And you stayed like that for quite some time.  The both of you enjoying each other’s warmth, sitting under the sky in the heart of the city.  The night grew colder but neither you nor Jimin could find the time to care, each of you too elated with how the night had gone to pay any attention to anything but each other.  

The next year repeated the same way, both of you would begin to become excited for the sign to be placed at the bottom of the stairs.  Although like Jimin had said, you went to an assortment of places for dates, you both always found your way back to the rooftop.  And when it finally became cold enough, you and Jimin would race up the stairs as soon as your break started.  You would sit, talk, and repeat the tradition that had happened for the last 4 years.  

Now, it was five years after you had started working, four after you had started talking to Jimin, and one after you both had started dating.  It was December.  The rooftop had been open for you and Jimin since October and the months you had spent up here felt like days.  Just as quickly as life in the city went by, your time with Jimin felt like nothing.  But you took what you got because you’d rather sit out here for seconds with Jimin than be alone in the city for hours.  

And that’s where you were.  Sitting, on the rooftop, with Jimin during the last break of the day.  The both of you worked full days and by the time you came up to the rooftop for your last break, the sky was dark and the air was much colder than in the day.  The rooftop had lights but they stayed off during the winter so the only thing illuminated your place was the stars in the city and in the sky.  You both would always be able to watch as the city dulled as the night went on.  It seemed to become colder all around you but you never felt warmer sitting next to Jimin.  

Today he hadn’t said too much, to you or to anyone else.  You had noticed his change in mood recently, starting back a couple of months.  He still maintained his charm around customers but he didn’t chat as much or stay as long as he normally did.  You figured he must be tired so you didn’t press the matter when he mumbled short answers as you tried to make conversation.  You knew he enjoyed having silence during his break because he didn’t get much during work hours.  

He was leaning against your shoulder, his head tilted under yours.  Both of his arms had snaked around yours and he held tight.  You knew he was looking out but you could feel his eyes watching the city rather than wandering like they usually did.  You didn’t want to break the silence but you wanted to know what was wrong.  Although he was hesitant to tell you about his problems, he was never this quiet about anything.  You could tell something serious was bothering him.  

“I’m leaving.”

His words broke the silence, cutting through the settled air sending a wave of emotions towards you.  He shifted as he said this, holding your arm tighter, and pulling himself closer to you.  Your body tensed and you felt your mouth go dry at his words.  You didn’t turn towards him, you were afraid to.  So, you kept looking out over the city as if his words were something you imagined.  

But Jimin repeated them, this time louder.  His head lifted from your shoulder and you could feel him staring at you.  His grip on your arm loosened but he remained just as close.  “Didn’t you hear me?”

You didn’t know what to say so you just nodded, feeling sick to your stomach.  Your eyes drifted from the sky to him, turning your head so you could see him completely now.  He looked almost the same from the first day you were up here.  His eyes always searching, his body relaxed.  But you could feel energy radiating off of Jimin like you never felt before.  The corners of his mouth were upturned and his eyes weren’t searching as much as they had been for the past years of sitting on the rooftop.  

“Why?” You asked, it was time for him to be silent.  It wasn’t a silence of sadness, though, you could see that.  He turned towards you and smiled softly, noticing that you looked upset.  

“I was scouted,” He said.  “I finally have a chance to do something with my life.”

Jimin said the last part with a laugh and you couldn’t help but smile.  Ever since the two of you began talking you knew about his dream to do something with dance.  That’s why he moved to the city, to be become closer to somebody who could make that happen.  It’s all he ever wanted to do and you knew in your heart he would be able to show everyone his talent.  But happiness always came with a price, even if it was Jimin’s.  You felt proud and happy for him but you couldn’t help your smile becoming a frown, knowing what you knew.  

“What’s wrong?” He asked.  You tried to look down but he lifted your chin so your eyes met his.  You bit your lip to keep from making any sound but you felt tears starting to form in the corners of your eyes.  They stayed in your eyes, making you blink to be able to see, instead of falling down.  The happiness that once graced his face was replaced with a look of concern.  His eyebrows furrowed, his eyes worried.  He held your face in his hands, his eyes darting from side to side wondering why your sudden change of mood.  

“You’re leaving,” You said, stating the obvious.  Your voice cracked a little at the end, finally understanding that this was real and happening.  Jimin’s eyes went wide and he let out a small laugh, smiling down at you.  

“Of course I am,” He said, wiping away the tears that continued to form.  You couldn’t help the small whimper coming out of your mouth as you became more emotional.  “What’s so wrong about that?”

“What happens when you go?” You asked.  He pulled back slightly, raising an eyebrow.  

“What do you mean-” Jimin stopped wiping away tears, returning his hands to their holding position.  “-I’ll be gone and I’ll be dancing somewhere.”

You shook your head slightly and closed your eyes.  “No, I mean.  What happens to me?”

You felt his hands drop from your face and you opened your eyes to see that his expression had changed.  Before he was concerned but now you could see him becoming more so confused and exasperated.  

“I would assume you’ll continue to live your life,” He said, his words upturned at the end as if he were asking a question.  

“Who will I talk to?”

Your question left him startled to say the least.  He sat still, his hands still holding your face but they were completely frozen.  His eyes were wider now and his lips parted, small breaths coming from them.  You felt as though the entire city shut down in that moment, there were no sounds coming from anywhere.  The air seemed to still around the both of you and you forced yourself to continue to look at him.  Your eyes searching his for something of an answer.  But Jimin gave none.  

Instead his hands dropped, your face becoming cold the second they left.  Jimin didn’t say anything and moved beside you.  Less than 10 minutes ago he was sat, curled by your side.  But now he was standing up, not facing you.  Jimin stood there, looking out at the city over the railing while you sat below watching him.  His hands gripping the railing hard enough for his knuckles to start turning white.  

Suddenly he started to walk away.  His footsteps echoed on the silent rooftop and you stared, your mouth and eyes wide in shock.  You struggled to find the right words to say, any words to say, so you just sat there.  He was halfway to the door before you quickly scrambled to get on your feet, following after him.  

“Wait!” You called.  Jimin paused but didn’t turn around.  You caught up to him, now standing behind him.  “Jimin, what’s wrong?”

“Is that all I am?” His words were harsh as he spat them at you.  He still didn’t turn around but you could feel the anger that was now coming from him.

“What?” You gasped, confused.  

“Is that all I am to you?  Somebody to talk to when you’re upset?” His words were again sharp, piercing through the tense air.  Your face fell and you reached forward to put your hand on his shoulder.  But as soon as you touched him he shook it off, instead turning around to face you.  

The corners of his mouth were turned down and his eyebrows narrowed.  His jaw was clenched and you could see his muscles tensed underneath his uniform.  But his eyes didn’t show anger the way the rest of his body did.  You could tell he was more hurt and frustrated than angry.    

“Is that all you think of me as?” Jimin gestured to himself.  “We’re in a freaking relationship and all I am is somebody to talk to?”

You opened your mouth but nothing came out.  You stared at him and you felt the distance between the two of you grow larger, as if you both were miles apart.  The air was freezing at this point and you tried not to shiver.  You watched as his eyes turned from ones of pleading to ones of understanding as he straightened slightly.  His shoulders relaxed and the desperate frown was replaced with a neutral line.    

“Jimin-” You started, reaching forward again.  But like before, he shook his head and backed away.  You froze, your hand wavering slightly in the air as you looked at him with wide eyes.  You felt them filled with tears as he looked at you

“No.” Jimin’s voice cracked and he wrapped his arms around his body.  

“Jimin please,” You took a small step towards him.  “I do think of you more than that, please you have to believe me.  I love you.”

At that his body tightened, his hands clenching the sides of his jacket.  His head shot up and he looked at you with rage.  “If you really loved me you would want me to do this.”  

His voice was thunderous and full of venom as he spat the words at you, breaking all silence in the city.  You were sure that people in the streets below heard you, and most likely people inside the restaurant as well.  His breathing was heavy and he bit his lip, trying to control the sobs that so desperately wanted to escape him.  He looked at you for a moment but then slowly turned his gaze towards the ground at his feet.  

“If you really loved me you would want me to be happy, like I always wanted for you.”

After that a heavy silence fell on the two of you.  His hands were no longer clenched and instead he looked at you passively, almost with no emotion.  You watched as he raised his head to look up at the sky before shaking it and turning from you.  This time you watched him go.  You didn’t run after him, you didn’t stop him from leaving.  

Instead you stood there, silent tears running down your face.  You kept looking at the door, hoping and waiting for him to come back.  But you knew he wouldn’t.  And you couldn’t bring yourself to be selfish enough to pull him back.  Back onto the rooftop that you had grown to love.  Where you once felt warm and safe.  Now there was nothing like that.  

You brought yourself to turn from the door and towards the city, you had grown to know and love.  Slowly, you walked forward, until you were standing at the edge.  The ground was cold and hard when you sat down, pulling your limbs through the metal fencing.  You sat there for some time, under the stars, in the darkest point of night.  You didn’t watch the city and you didn’t watch the sky, only looking somewhere in between.  And for once you thought you knew where Jimin was looking, the first time he pulled you up here.  But Jimin wasn’t here anymore.  Any warmth that he had once comforted you with was instead replaced by the cold hands of the wind.  But you didn’t shiver.  Instead you sat, silent and unmoving, on that damn rooftop that had grown so cold.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys it’s 10:30 i was looking at comics. i really like comics.

i woke up on time. i somehow ended up getting to the office actually late though? i’m not sure where the time went. maybe i spent too long making breakfast, i dunno.

i taught my class. one student told me she had been in one of my classmates’ sections the other week. i remember taylor told me about that. i kinda knew who it had been right away. not sure why she’s such a huge sammie fan. i told her i wanted to cut my hair but i’d leave it long enough for bows because bows are “kind of my look now i guess.” she said it was definitely my look. 

i had one student who was real concerned about his grade. i felt like i’d been real unfair to him... i helped him out this week by looking through his lab report and making sure he had answered all the questions and i caught one mistake for him. i can’t just give him a 100, but... i understand that he’s putting in effort and i want to reward that but i also need to be fair to my other students and i ALSO need to hit a certain grade average or else people who earned an a are going to be assigned b.

at the end of the class the girl asked who my favorite student was (highly implying it should be her). i said i like each of them equally. she pushed me further so i grinned and said i couldn’t pick favorites, but i also couldn’t lie to her. she thought i was gonna compliment her but instead i said they are all my favorites. the girl at the table behind us smirked.

i WANT to give them all an a. but suzanne does that and she really had to crank up her grade thresholds, which i find really unfair to the students. it’s kind of unfair to force the class average to be a certain number even if the students are genuinely doing well. but i also understand that it’s to try to account for all of us having different teaching styles and skills and grading preferences. they basically turn us loose on these poor undergraduates with no training other than “we have done the lab ourselves.”

anyway after that i went to my appointment with the care area. we got my medical drop paperwork finalized and sent a last thing to my professor, who needs to sign off on my dropped course approval. and... annie told me it’s done, as much as i have control over at least. i have no more work to do on this “project.” i feel... too open-ended, i guess. it’s disorienting to work toward a goal and then actually reach it, and in a really timely manner too. annie complimented how well i’ve handled everything. i gave her a list of the steps i’ve taken to improve my situation and she asked some questions. i think i was mostly just talking though and then we spent like 15 minutes trying to fix her computer so she could send the email to my professor. i didn’t have to make a follow up appointment, but i let her know i’d call and schedule something if a problem came up with my tuition waiver or if my meeting with the individual therapist didn’t go well so we could get me set up with the counseling center for next semester.

then i biked over to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. i googled my therapist just to confirm the address and then hopped on a bus over to the other side of town! i had to bike up a big old hill and then i got to where google said her office would be. 

it was a law firm. i checked that her name was correct. it was. the person at the desk there was extremely confused. i got sent next door to an in-house care specialist and that wasn’t right either. they sent me to the other side of the parking lot to the autism center. i asked them what was going on and the lady behind the counter there googled the therapist and found the same exact address i did. 

i scrolled through my phone texts trying to figure out what the problem was and then i realized that the insurance web site had given a different address than google. her actual office is 17 blocks north of my apartment complex, which was on the other other side of town. i was gonna cry.

i hustled back down to the bus stop and caught the bus headed the other way. FORTUNATELY i had left for the office just over an hour early so i still had 15 minutes before i was gonna be late. i called karin and told her what had happened. i also learned how to put my bike on the front of the bus, which was an adventure and ended up with me getting whacked in the back of the head by my own handlebars. and also taking a tire to my shirt more than once. my good ice cream shirt that i had just given a stain treatment.

it looks like it’s fine but i was unhappy about the road dirt getting under my fingernails and everything.

it took a half hour to get across town and sprint-bike up the 17 blocks to her office. i don’t think i’ve biked that fast in my life and i even kept hitting red lights.

her name wasn’t on the office sign at the side of the road marking the address. i frowned. there were cats at the back door on the porch. they were nice enough but i didn’t have time to stop to pet them. i was 15 minutes late.

inside there was a bunch of the typical crystal healing stuff. i saw a flyer for “lymph drainage cleansing” or something like that. that put me on edge a little bit, considering the last therapist i had who was into that stuff back in march.

karin herself was eager to get down business though. i filled out a page of paperwork and got my insurance squared away. i ran through a list of current problems i was having (lack of energy, mostly, and having a hard time managing to get stuff done with what energy i do have) and what i was doing about them. she asked if there were any other ways i could streamline my homework/grading process and i didn’t have any ideas right then. i talked about my family a little bit and told her my mother and brother were coming to visit next wednesday. she said she’d really like to see me again before that happens so i’m seeing her again in a week. i like her well enough for now.

we only got to talk for a half hour but she let me fill out the majority of my paperwork after the appointment instead. the writing was so blurred and tiny that i had trouble figuring out what some of the questions were and had to cross out initial answers when i figured out what this or that word was. then i groaned because i realized my backpack and everything in it were still back at the office. so i biked the 30 blocks back to campus, sat around feeling exhausted, had a snack, and then came back home at around 7 (...?), which was way longer than i wanted to take. i was so tired, trying to get up the hill on the way home. even getting to the second stoplight was just... i was out of breath.

i notice that i can make way sharper left turns than right turns. i wonder what’s up with that.

when i got home i made myself some dinner, and made my pasta salad for the rest of the week, and changed out snoopy’s litter box. publix only sells the disposable ones so i got a replacement last weekend... while i was out by the trash chute i looked out over the courtyard. it was a little chilly. hard to remember i live in the middle of florida, with the cold nibbling at my arms. the tall buildings across the street looked surreal. the whole courtyard was so empty i had trouble remembering how many people live here. i caught someone using the elliptical in the gym through the window though so at least there was one human in my field of vision. 

after that i watched one youtube video i had bookmarked earlier (out of the four- three are gonna be reasonably watchable, the last one is like an hour long and i don’t think i’ll be able to get to it for a long while), and the rest of the night was COMMENTARY!! AND COMICS!!!

(like an hour.)

i let my leisure time cut into my journal writing/bed time though. i just don’t feel like i have enough of it to really feel like i relaxed or took some time to myself every day. like a full time job is eight hours a day, five days a week. grad school has been 9-11 hours a day, 6 days a week. some weeks, six and a half days. and... i know that grad school is hard and i’m not supposed to have free time. but like... i need to rest, you know? my body and my brain are falling apart.

while i was at my office hour in the lab help session today jennica came in to hang out. i told her that i don’t know how they do it. how they get all the homework done even when they only start on the last possible day. she said they just don’t sleep. i said i don’t really have that option and she said “you’re a grad student, you don’t get sleep any more.”

i said “if i don’t sleep enough every night i literally will die.” 

she thought i was joking so i told her if i don’t get enough sleep for too long i start seeing weird stuff that freaks me out and i hurt myself. she said oh. it was... part of why i wasn’t doing well at villanova my first two years of college. the second year it was more because of irregular sleep than lack of it. and, you know, everything else that was going wrong with my life.

i think i burned myself out in high school really bad. like i thought i was young and springy and i didn’t NEED to sleep, i had so many other fun things to do!! internet people to talk to!!! stories to write!!!! i was lucky to get five hours of sleep most nights. i did that for like three years. most nights. things didn’t start getting spooky until my body straight up quit one morning and i almost passed out at our morning assembly. i had to go to the hospital for a few hours and get checked out and everything. the doctor told me i wasn’t drinking enough and that i had to take a whole day doing nothing but drinking tons of fruit juice and gatorade and water. 

after that i carried a water bottle around everywhere. i still do. it helps me remember to stay hydrated.

but the sleeping problems persisted through undergrad. it gets kinda rough trying to rest at my parents’ house too. and it really did wear out my health for several years straight after those first few years of high school. but i’m doing way better now.

but apparently grad students don’t get to sleep i guess? 

my anxiety really does stay under control way better when i get regular sleep though. eight hours is ideal, seven hours is... ok for maybe five days and then it gets bad. i don’t get much more out of nine hours than i do eight... and i need every extra hour of being awake i can get.

i dunno. one good thing today is that when i was resting at the office before trying to tackle the ride home, i was talking to luis about homework i guess. rebika keeps asking if i’ve finished the homework the day before it’s due and it’s like, rebika, i am still three weeks behind, please stop. i told her something like that finally, i said something like i’d get it done when i could and i was keeping the professors informed. she asked if she could do that too and i asked what steps she was taking to remedy her situation. she said none and taylor joked that that would be too responsible. he kinda glanced at me when he said that.

it’s just, it’s nice to get the feeling that my classmates have faith in me. that they believe i am working hard with the resources i have, even though i don’t feel that way. you can say you don’t care what other people think all you want, but it is a genuine relief to know that most of them know i’m doing my best and believe that. not having the silent judgment of my peers hanging over my head is a relief to me. 

i can take rebika’s judgment. she doesn’t pay enough attention for her opinion to mean much to me, even if i care about her wellbeing. luis seems to be suffering from even more intense lethargy than i do but he just doesn’t sleep i guess. i don’t usually check in with his homework situation because it stresses me out to talk about it. he’s also just really good at physics and picks up homework concepts faster than i do.

he said his grades aren’t as good as i think they are. taylor’s aren’t either. he watches a lot of anime in the office. suzanne also said her grades aren’t as good as i probably think they are. we had a conversation about the american education system as compared to, say, europe’s. like ioannis just knows all this stuff already and he gets fantastic grades. some of us (like harrison) know some of the material from undergrad, but for people like me, from fricking arizona, even the beginning of these courses was essentially new. suzanne said that being an american physics undergraduate just does not put you at the level that phd students should be at. and when you have your phd you’re still not at the level you should be at, which is why postdocs end up happening for so long i guess.

anyway. i’ve been a little cagey with my friends about what i’ve been doing, spending so much time out of the office, but it’s good to know that they, sort of, understand, maybe indirectly. like they look at me and seem to see me working hard, even though i don’t feel like i am and i feel like i spend a lot of time slacking off. (an entire half hour!!! oh no!!!!!!!)

i can’t know what they REALLY think, of course, but their behavior and wording suggest they are supportive.