#Anyway check out this thing that’s been in my drafts since 2022!

[driftingballoons]

When you’re a grass type and not sure how seasons work

[filmbyjy]

IT TAKES TWO

PAIRING: nishimura riki x fem!reader

SUMMARY: you've always despised nishimura riki. ever since he decided to jump onto the next girl when you broke up with him. your love for him lingered and you missed him. however, you knew he didn't like you anymore. or maybe he still did?

WARNINGS: this decently angsty and honestly idk what I even wrote. cursing and tons of them! very childish fighting between ni-ki and you. my brain can't comprehend wtf i wrote. kissing! idk if that's a warning.

WORD COUNT: 4.8K words

taglist[perm]: @ja4hyvn @ahnneyong @milklix @kar0ki @sugarsunoo

a/n: okay I lied. this has been in my drafts since 2022 but like still it’s been a year😀oh i didn't exactly proofread this. i did check the grammar a little whilst trying to write but it's not fully proofread.

you pushed yourself off the ground, breathing heavily and sweating profusely. the mirrors were fogging up, a true sign of hard work had been done.

“great job (name). that would be all for today.” heeseung, a senior of the dance club, says. you smiled at him.

“thank you sunbae.” heeseung chuckles.

“you don’t have to call me sunbae (name)-ah. we can speak casually, of course i’m still older than you so you have to use a little formality.” you shyly looked away.

“o-oh alright heeseung sunba-i mean heeseung oppa.”

“better.” he ruffles your hair.

“hey hyung, are you done with her? jay hyung has been looking for you.” ni-ki says.

you gave him a hard glare. now, you may ask who was this ni-ki guy. well he was nishimura riki, a classmate of yours.

heeseung nods and he sends a small smile to you before leaving the place. ni-ki rolls his eyes.

“you do realise heeseung hyung has a girlfriend right?”

“yeah.” you in fact did not hence you formed a painfully obvious crush on him. “why do you care anyways?” you growled at ni-ki.

“jeez calm down tiger, I just noticed how you always try too hard to get heeseung hyung to notice you. it’s clear he has already set boundaries between you and him. he sees you as his little sister.”

“shut the fuck up.” ni-ki smirks.

“and what if I don’t, lee?”

“well nishimura, both you and I know this wouldn’t end nicely so I suggest you shut the fuck up before I make you.” you stare at him hard.

“think I’m afraid of you Lee? just cause your brother is Lee Minho? captain of the dance club? your dear brother loves me (name)-ie.”

you gave ni-ki the finger and left with your things.

ah the dynamic between you and the boy. the tension was too high, even your brother thought so.

“that’s where you are, what took you so long.” minho whines.

“save that whining for jisung. ah wait, forgot you are probably stuffing your tongue down his throat instead.”

“yahhh what’s with the uptight behaviour?”

“you know why Minho.”

“you and riki kid again? oh lord, you two are like cats and water. enemies.”

“you’re just saying that because soongie wouldn’t get in the bath water.”

“SHE WAS CLAWING ON ME AND THAT SHIT HURT.”

“cut her nails then.”

“what? no! she has to use those nails to attack anyone I hate. I’m training her, she’s our fiesty lion.”

“and how is training going?” you looked over at Minho.

“not well…”

“there’s your answer, let her live. she probably already hates you more than ever.”

“SHE DOESNT. YOU’RE JUST UPSET RIKI HASN'T KISS YOU YET!”

“now why would I want that demon child to kiss me?”

“the tension (name), do you not feel it?”

“no mr.krabs, I am not feeling it. the only tension I’m feeling is our hatred for each other.”

“yeah but that tension can be something more…like sexual tension.” you gave your big brother a smack on the head.

“we are 17, Lee Minho. get your mind out of the fucking gutter. moreover, I would never kiss someone like nishimura.”

“oh you two go by first name basis, watch him call you Mrs.Nishimura.”

“in your dreams.”

“BABEEE!!!” jisung clings onto Minho’s arms. minho leaves a cute little peck on the boy’s lips.

“ugh you two are disgusting.” you grumbled.

“hyungie, think we should find a boyfriend for (name)? she’s kinda extra spicy today.” jisung says.

“ay fuck you, you’re lucky you’re my brother’s boyfriend or else I would have roundhouse your ass a long time ago.”

“hyungie, she scares me.” jisung hides behind minho.

“(name), please don’t scare jisung. Oh and sungie, she just finished an argument with riki and she’s tired from dance practice. just let her live okay?”

“but she needs to release her tension.”

“you and everyone else are the same. I already told you that me and nishimura do not have any sort of tension besides the hatred we have for each other!”

“then if you don't, why don’t you go out and find a boyfriend? I bet you’d be a hundred percent way more happier.” jisung says.

“I would’ve had a boyfriend if I wasn’t a coward and confessed to heeseung sunbae and if he didn’t have a girlfriend!” you yelled. you froze after saying so.

“you like heeseung?” your brother says.

“minho, please don’t tell him. it’s no use of telling him if he already has a girlfriend.”

“he doesn’t have a girlfriend the last time I checked?” jisung says.

“what?”

“who told you that?” jisung asks.

“ni-ki.”

both minho and jisung shared a knowing look.

“(name), have you ever thought riki might have a crush on you? hence he said heeseung had a girlfriend?”

“what? why would he like me when he fucking hates my guts.”

“look (name), both you and riki are really dense and we hate it. we can tell the both of you like each other.” jisung says.

“you’re talking fucking nonsense, jisung.��

“(name).” minho looks at you.

“just drive me home and then you can go on your little date with jisung.” you shut your brother down. Minho sighs.

“alright, you’re okay with being alone at home with the cats right? mom and dad won’t be home early tonight.”

“are they ever home early?” minho wanted to answer but he couldn’t because it was true, when were they ever home.

he drives you home and drops you off. he rolls down the window.

“how about you order something if you’re hungry or-”

“i’m not going to the nishimura’s.”

“mrs.nishimura is usually home so if you want some home cooked food. I suggest going over.”

“yeah yeah. have fun on your date you two.” you rolled your eyes.

“(name), don’t do anything okay?” minho says.

“like what? have sex? that’s what you two are gonna do.”

“we aren’t-(name)!” jisung blushes.

“just get in the house, dork.” minho says.

“yes, my dear brother.” you bowed and went to open the door.

you entered your home and were instantly swarmed with Minho’s cats.

“doongie, dori where is your sister?” you asked the two cats. dori meows and walks, seems like it was trying to lead you somewhere.

you followed the cat and well you found someone in the backyard petting soongie.

“nishimura riki.” you mumbled under your breath. you watched him smile and pet the tabby cat. it rubs itself on the boy happily, tail curling in happiness.

why did he look so cute? wait-

the boy senses a presence looking at him and as such, he looks up. you stay frozen in your spot. he stands up and opens your back door.

“had fun staring (name).” ni-ki smirks.

“fuck off.”

“how cute, got you all flustered huh.” he teases.

“very funny. why would you get me flustered, nishimura.” you rolled your eyes.

“well, lee. if a good looking guy like me enters someone’s home and they are alone…why wouldn’t any girl get flustered?”

“that just makes you a pervert.” you bite back. ni-ki scoffs.

“fair enough. anyways, I’m here cause my mom told me to call you and your brother over but seeing as to how he left with his boyfriend…you’re home alone.”

“I can handle being home alone myself. I’m not a baby.”

“you wouldn’t be saying that when you were 13.” you gave the boy a sharp glare.

“I told you to not talk about when we were 13. also, can you stop bringing up the past? the past where you hurt me?”

“when did I ever hurt you?” ni-ki says.

“when we fucking broke up.”

“we were young, we both made mistakes. there is nothing for you to dwell over the past we had.” ni-ki rolls his eyes.

“you’re right. I shouldn’t dwell over it but I can’t stop these feelings.” a tear falls. “get out. you’ve already hurt me enough and you’ve lied to me a lot. there is no point of us seeing each other anymore.”

[flashback, 4 years ago]

both you and ni-ki were young and very much in love. no one knew you two dated, everyone only assumed you two were best friends. not even your family or his. which was weird considering the amount of time you two spent together, guess no one really cared.

he was popular with everyone and you were decently acquainted with everyone. there were tons of sneaky dates at the library and maybe cute little pecks here and there. they were innocent of course. that’s how your love was, an innocent puppy love.

but you wanted something more…serious. you sincerely loved ni-ki. you wanted it to continue in the future years and you even thought about marrying him. you were too in love with him. however, ni-ki just wanted something casual. he was too immature and young to think about getting in a serious relationship.

so he has never admitted he loved you. yeah, he confessed but he hasn’t said ‘I love you’. one day, you had confronted him.

“I love you, ni-ki.” you say.

the boy sits there stunned.

“love? don’t normally people who are in a serious relationship say that?” he questions.

“are we not in a serious relationship?” you asked. the boy laughs.

“why would we be? we are young. I still haven’t grown a beard!”

“so you don’t love me?”

“I like you but that doesn’t mean I realise that I want to truly like you with my full heart.”

“oh.”

“I still have many other girls after me, you don’t have to be the only girl I like. besides, we are also best friends. it’s kinda weird still.” he says.

“let’s break up.” you say not looking up at ni-ki.

“okay.” you looked up at him. how could he so casually say that? “i’ve been meaning to start dating aria from our class anyways. think I should ask her out now?”

no remorse whatsoever. that’s when your hatred grew for him.

“go ahead and fucking date her. I’m not your girlfriend anymore and neither am I your best friend anymore.” you threw the necklace. the necklace signified your friendship of 3 years. it was a matching one with ni-ki’s but since you two were officially not friends anymore you gave it back to him.

“what? we can still be friends (name).”

“not with someone who broke my heart.” you say. you cried on the way home. that night, minho had comforted you despite not knowing what happened.

he vowed to hurt the person who hurt you but up till now…he didn’t know it was ni-ki. the person he trusted the most.

[present time]

ni-ki knows you were crying. he remembers the day you had broken up with him. he was stupid he knows. which was why…he vowed to get you back and never let you go again.

but he can’t. he doesn’t know how to. the only thing he was good at was breaking your heart. he was bad at love and he was also afraid. which was why he couldn’t bring himself to hold you close.

he leaves your home. never to come back even though he really wanted to.

the boy enters his home, his mother eyeing his slumped shoulders.

“what happened? why isn’t (name) with you? she’s supposed to have dinner with us. also where is minho?”

“she’s not going to come. minho hyung is out with his boyfriend.”

“what do you mean she’s not coming. it’s dangerous for her to be alone in the house. go watch over her.”

“mom, she’s turning 17 and she’s pretty much independent. I don’t need to watch her.” ni-ki huffs.

“did you two have a fight? riki, sweetie you need to be less assertive. (name) is a sweet girl, you need to be gentle with her.”

“mom, can I please just get to my room?” Mrs.Nishimura sighs.

“fine, I'll just go over then. dinner is on the dining table, have some before you go playing your video games all night as per usual.” ni-ki hums. his mother going over to your home.

you hear a small knock at your door and went to open it. Mrs.Nishimura pulls you into a hug.

“did ni-ki hurt you again (name)? if so, I’m so sorry for my son’s behaviour. I have no idea why he is like this when the both of you were so close in the past.”

she quickly checks up on your face. it was obvious you had just finished crying, she sighs.

“I am so sorry this happened (name).”

“it’s fine Mrs.Nishimura.”

“no, it’s not. he is my son. you two were friends and out of nowhere you two just stopped being friends. I should have prevented it, I should have seen it coming.”

“it’s not your fault Mrs.Nishimura. it was ours, we-” should you really tell her? both you and Mrs.Nishimura were really close. even back then when you were younger.

“what happened sweetheart?”

“we used to date.” Mrs.Nishimura gasps.

“oh my, what did my son do to you?” she asks.

“we were too young, we didn’t know about love. well, mostly ni-ki. I wanted it to be sort of serious but ni-ki didn’t. he said something along the lines of me not being the only one he might fall in love with and there was no guarantee that he might still like me. I broke up with him and he was okay with it. I-” you start to choke up, “I love him.”

this stunned Mrs.Nishimura. she never thought this would happen. she knew it was hard for you and how much you’ve gone through with the heartbreak. she holds you close as you cried on her shoulder.

“oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I didn’t know you two were once lovers. while I’m happy that you two did date, whatever my son did is not right.” she says to comfort you.

once you’ve calmed down, she caresses your cheek.

“how about you have dinner okay? it will make you feel better and if you’d like, we can chat some more and talk about what happened.”

“thank you, Mrs.Nishimura.”

“oh sweetheart, you can call me aunty. only if you’re comfortable of course.”

“thank you aunty.” she smiles before pointing to the thermal bag.

“go eat sweetie, I need to run back to my house to give my son a big scolding.” she says before she steps away. you held onto her wrist and she turns back to you.

“aunty, can you please not tell him? I don’t want him to find out that you know about our past relationship.”

“of course, sweetheart. in that case, I’ll just grab something for you instead. a sweet treat or something.” she smiles at you before she leaves.

you sighed. at least you didn’t have to lie to Mrs.Nishimura about why you and ni-ki fell out of the close bond.

the next day, you were walking to your class when ni-ki pulls you somewhere secluded. well not so secluded, it was just an empty classroom. the moment he stopped, you pulled your hands away from him, giving him the scariest glare you could do.

“what do you want?”

“my mom.”

did Mrs.Nishimura tell him?

“she knows about us.” ah so she did.

“and what about it? what we had was in the past, why do you care if she knows?”

“because she’s my mom (name). she was never supposed to find out about us.”

“you’ve always wanted to keep us a secret. have you ever thought about telling her or your dad eventually?”

“never.” ni-ki says

“oh wow, how selfish of you. i can't believe you. this is why we broke up. you never thought of being in a serious relationship with me, you never wanted to show me off and you wanted me to be a secret. I never wanted to be your sneaky link.”

“who said you were my sneaky link? (name), I liked you.”

“oh really? remember all those dates we had? hidden, kept away, that’s all i was. then with what you said after we broke up? you wanted to date another girl after I literally just ended the relationship. do you ever have remorse? was I ever someone important to you?”

“of course (name). you have always been the most important to me.”

“cut with the bullshit, riki. If you had ever liked me, you should have stopped me from breaking up with you but you didn’t. you left me to cry for days, get sick and made me hate myself for so long. do you know how hurt i was? i genuinely thought i’d die from crying so much. and why? because i loved you. that’s how much i liked your stupid ass and now i’ve sort of moved on from you, you stop me from getting the happiness i deserve? why are you toying with my feelings?”

by now, tears were already flowing across your cheeks. the silence was deafening and you just wanted to leave, and so you tried to but not without ni-ki pulling on your wrist and pulling you into a hug. you don’t even register he was hugging you until you feel your shoulders getting wet. ni-ki was crying, he let his walls down.

“i’m so fucking sorry.” ni-ki whispers. you tried to push him away but he only holds onto you tighter. “please, don’t leave me.” he whispers again.

you stood there frozen, you let ni-ki cry on your shoulders. you were already late to class so a few more minutes with ni-ki wouldn’t hurt or it possibly could. you feel small pecks on your neck, something ni-ki did in the past while he was cuddling with you. he freezes and lets you go.

“i-i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have overstepped your boundaries. we aren’t dating anymore and you have feelings for someone else now. i should respect that. i should go.” ni-ki leaves the room.

your heart still longed for him no matter if he hurt you multiple times, you wanted him to be selfish for once and realise that he is worthy of you. 

“nishimura riki, you have once again hurt me.” you couldn’t cry anymore even if you wanted to, you just went to class.

after school, you went to the dance studio. heeseung obviously knows you weren’t okay so he stops you from continuing the routine.

“hey, are you okay?”

“yeah, i’m fine.”

“(name). you know you can always trust me.” you breathed in.

“heeseung oppa, i like you.” heeseung’s eyes widened.

“oh, (name). umm, i’m sorry but i don’t see you like that.” he says trying to let you down in the most gentle way possible. you felt like crying and not because of heeseung but because of ni-ki. a tear slips out and heeseung panics.

“h-hey, i’m sorry. you don’t have to cry.” he wipes the tears falling. you laughed while trying to wipe the falling tears.

“it’s okay, i’m not crying because of the rejection.”

“oh, then what’s wrong?”

“ni-ki.” you say. heeseung tilts his head, you told him what happened. he was a little shocked to find out the reason why you two were enemies in the first place.

“(name), i think you should be upfront with him. tell him how you really feel, how much you still like him. ni-ki hasn’t dated anyone else and we have been wondering why. he never talks about why so we thought something happened, we never thought you were the reason why.”

“you make me sound so evil.”

“(name), you know that’s not what i mean.” heeseung huffs. you giggled.

“i know.” you hear the door crack open and followed by a slap on the arm and complaints. heeseung facepalms.

“boys.” heeseung says. they pile out. “how long have you been standing there for?”

“since (name) confessed to you.” jake says. sunghoon slaps the boy’s arm.

“curse you for being painfully truthful.” sunghoon whines.

jake shrugs, “well, i am not going to just lie about it.”

“we were eavesdropping, that’s equally as bad as lying.” jay says. jake pouts.

“well all of you know why me and ni-ki hate each other. even you minho.” you say. minho walks out from behind sunghoon, awkwardly laughing.

“sorry, (name). anyways, doesn’t that mean the reason why you cried so much when you were thirteen-”

“was because ni-ki and i broke up. yes, that’s why i cried so much.”

“oh my baby sister.” minho goes to hug you and you pushed him away. “I’m so sorry your heart got broken by a pubescent 13 year old boy.” you smacked his arm.

“god why did i have to have you as my brother.” you groaned.

“you love me (name).” minho says.

“yeah, unfortunately.” minho huffs at your words.

“okay so how are we going to get ni-ki to confess to you again.” jake says.

“jake there is no point. that boy is stubborn.” you say.

“you’re right, you should date me instead.” sunghoon says.

“dude, now is not the time to say this!” jay says.

“I was kidding. I mean, i’m park sunghoon. i’m sure, anyone would love to date me.” minho high-fives sunghoon.

“that’s my fav boy.” he says. you scoffed.

“let’s just drop this.” you grabbed your things and left the studio. minho runs after you.

“(name). come on, you have a whole team who are more than prepared to give you that cute high school relationship!”

“minho, i already said to drop it. I really don’t want to go through this whole problem over a boy who doesn’t like me.”

“are you sure he doesn’t like you, (name)?”

at minho’s words, your mind replays what happened earlier in the classroom.

“don’t leave me, please.”

ni-ki cried. he was never one to show his feelings. that was his most vulnerable state that you’ve seen him in. 

“yes, he doesn’t like me.” you say. you weren’t sure yourself.

“you’re denying it. i can see it in your eyes. you know something that we don’t.”

“minho, i just really don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m tired.” you say. minho takes note of the painful tone you had. your voice wavered.

“alright, i’ll stop. you should go home.” you nod at his words and went home. minho sighs and goes back to where the others were.

“hyung, how did it go?”

“nothing much. i think it’s best if we ask ni-ki. the both of them used to date each other, clearly they still like each other.” minho says.

“jungwon, do you know where ni-ki’s class is?”

“of course, follow me.”

however, when they went to find ni-ki he was nowhere to be found. they decided to visit his home. as for you, as you were about to open the door. you could hear mewls coming from inside, you were worried about the cats so you went in. you noticed the cats surrounding ni-ki as he cries.

“why are you here and also you practically broke into my house.”

ni-ki was alarmed, “i’m sorry. i just walked in here aimlessly. my house is also locked and i don’t have the keys.”

“don’t you have classes in afternoon?”

“I didn’t go.”

“oh.”

ni-ki shivers. you went towards and placed a hand on his forehead. you sighed.

“you’re having a fever. come on, how about you go take a warm shower and then lay in the guest bedroom. i’ll grab some medicine from the cabinet.” you went to walk away but ni-ki grabs your wrist.

“don’t leave me, please.” he weakly says.

“I won’t, i’ll be here in the house while you go bathe. i need to grab clothes for you too.” ni-ki nods. he stands up to go to the bathroom. you left him a towel outside the door and clothes on the bed. you shut the bedroom door.

why were you suddenly taking care of ni-ki? he was the one who hurt you constantly and here you were. you shouldn’t be doing this. your heart aches. you decided to make him some warm honey water and grab the medicine from the cabinet. maybe you should make him a little something to eat, you weren’t sure if he even ate lunch. how did he even get sick in the first place?

you decided to make him a sandwich since it was the only easy thing you were able to prepare. you knocked on the door with a tray in your other hand. you heard ni-ki mutter ‘come in’ so you entered. you nearly froze in your steps when you noticed the hoodie he had on. it was the hoodie you had gifted him with while you were dating, it fit just nice since ni-ki had grown quite a lot.

the boy tries to dry his hair with the towel you handed him with. you placed down the tray onto the nightstand before grabbing the towel and helping him dry his hair. it was an unconscious gesture since you used to help ni-ki dry his hair after he finished bathing. he stays quiet. once you were done, you looked down at him. he was looking up at you and you looked away.

“i made something for you to eat before you have your medicine. there’s honey water too in case your throat is soar. I’ll be in my room-”

“stay, please.” he voices out.

“I have to study.”

“then study here. i need you, please.”

your heart races. you sighed.

“fine, i’ll grab my things and study here.” ni-ki nods and you go to grab your study materials and notes. you came back and placed your materials on the ground.

“you can do the work on the bed.”

“with you on the bed? i’m not your friend, nishimura.”

“i’m sick and you are technically responsible for me.”

“i am not responsible for you-”

“you saw me and helped me. this means you are responsible for me.”

“what are you? five?”

“you used to care for me when we were dating.”

“please stop bringing up the past.”

“the past that i miss.” ni-ki says. You froze.

“don’t lie to me. you never missed me. you only wanted to fool around.”

“I regret saying that.”

“well too bad, nishimura. we broke up. that’s it, that was the end of us.”

“it doesn’t have to end, (name).”

“if i gave you another chance, you’d just throw it away again.”

“i wouldn’t.”

“ni-ki.” you say.

“(name), i really really love you.”

what was this sick joke he was playing.

“i used to look forward to hearing you say that but now it just seems like a joke to me. you don’t have to put pity on me. i know i was desperate back when we were young. i just really liked you so much.”

“i am not joking with you, (name).”

“prove it then. if you love me so much.”

“I’m sick, (name).”

“well, that sucks then-” ni-ki leans in and kisses you. your eyes widened, you could feel his lips moving against yours. this was really passionate but soft. ni-ki has never kissed you like this before. your eyes flutter shut and you kissed him back.

ni-ki sighs into the kiss, his hands reaches up to your cheek to hold it. he tilts his head to slightly deepen the kiss. one that shows how much he treasured you and how sorry he felt for hurting you. you pulled away.

“i love you.” he says it once again.

“ni-ki, we can’t make this official.”

“i know. i’ve hurt you a bunch of times. we’ll take it slow.” you nod.

“i need to trust you first. i can’t bring myself to just forgive you.”

“alright. can i at least hold you?”

you nod before climbing into the bed. he wraps his arms around your waist. the both of you laid down on the bed. it was a little awkward but ni-ki still felt at ease knowing he was able to hold you.

A year later, you were in your bedroom playing games with ni-ki. he attempts to sabotage you in mario kart.

“yah, ni-ki!”

“too bad, babe!” he sticks out his tongue.

“hey! you guys started the game without us!” jake huffs. both you and ni-ki smirked at each other.

“we started first because i wanted to play a round with my girlfriend.”

“urgh, i am not over this. it’s been 5 months since you two started dating and you’re already pulling the ‘couple’ card.” jay says.

“oh, it’s been 5 months?” you say.

“5 months with my beautiful girl.” ni-ki squeezes you and pecks your cheek.

jungwon gags at the sight, “I liked it better when they fought.” 

“i have to agree with that.” minho says.

“young love.” heeseung shrugs.

“let’s back out of the game so they can play, ni-ki.” you pat his arm.

“okay.”

“IM PLAYING AS PRINCESS PEACH!” sunoo yells.

in the end, you got your happy ending.

with the same boy who hurt you.

nishimura riki.

[eliotquillon]

Regarding your fic 'twenty and some change', will it ever be finished/released? I just need closure.

wow i didn’t even know people were even still reading it!! this is such a blast from the past haha. anyway, short answer is: YES, it will be finished eventually.

longer answer is: i didn’t lie when i said in the notes of that fic that it had been entirely pre-written—i have to rewrite the epilogue and edit the chapters before that, but it’s mostly ready to go. the fic has mostly been on hold because, as i kind of alluded in my last note on it, i had a prolonged mental health crisis between late 2022-mid 2023 (aka just after i wrote the first draft of twenty) where i basically stopped writing fic completely and when i eventually came out of it the last thing i wanted to do was go right back to what i’d been doing just before it started lol. i am doing much better now luckily! but editing twenty does put me in a bit of a weird headspace because of that. it doesn’t really help that i have, uh, some very particular interpretations of the TMI cast (particularly isabelle) and that twenty is, above all else, an isabelle/simon fic in a fandom that usually relegates the ship to the background—i was not exactly getting tons of feedback on it as it was uploading, and while i am of course very grateful for the comments/kudos i DID get, it was kind of demotivating to be putting my absolute heart and soul into a longer fic and getting barely any reception for it. i don’t say this to imply that the fic was abandoned out of spite or anything, but truth be told i figured nobody was reading it anymore so it didn’t really matter when it got finished lolol.

i could probably get the whole thing done in a few days if i were to take a few days off and dedicate myself entirely to getting it finished. the big draft doc with all the chapters on it (relic of when the fic was intended as a fucking ONE SHOT) is sitting at like 30,000 words at the moment and literally will not load on my phone anymore haha so editing it is a bit of a job. for various reasons this is not exactly feasible at the moment — i know i complain endlessly about my uni workload on here but it is seriously difficult trying to balance 2000 word essays every week with dissertation work, translation seminars, the occasional ‘bonus’ essay, all of my extracurriculars (including the fucking theatre company i run lmaoo), my original creative writing AND fanfic stuff!! but it will get done eventually—probably over the winter break. i can’t give exact timelines because tbf i will inevitably miss any deadline i set for myself (and also i don’t want writing fic to become a source of stress for myself), but it will get done in the next few months most likely. twenty is really my love letter to isabelle lightwood + simon/isabelle specifically—it will probably be my last shadowhunters fic since TLH confirmed that i’m not really on board with the way the series is going anymore after 11 long years of being on this train lol, so it really is very special to me. i always say that isabelle lightwood is my favourite fictional character of all time, and that’s still true. pls have patience!! and thanks for checking in—again, i didn’t think anyone was reading this fic anymore lol, so it’s nice to be proven wrong!!

[steamberrystudio]

02/01/202....3!? Devlog

Halloooooo everyone!

It's been a while since my last proper update here so I am going to be posting a bit of an update and recap and plans for 2023 post. ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

I think we all know my big accomplishment in 2022 was releasing Gilded Shadows and then updating the game with Quill's route. 🥳

I also fully drafted Reuben's route and did one heavy revision of it! I've gotten through my second revision up to about Chapter 9.

The un-coded word count of Gilded Shadows is 985,000 words. (For those of you who are new and haven't seen me explain this before - the "uncoded" word count is the word count in Scrivener. All the routes lose words when I code them. The coded word count in Renpy is somewhat smaller and Reuben's route isn't coded yet so I don't know how long the game will be once his route is in the game.)

Still. That's a lot of words! LoL

Gilded Shadows is still lumbering along like the behemoth that it is. When Reuben's route is fully revised and checked for typos, I'll move on to coding it and working on sprites.

And then my last route will be YUU! Yuu is going through a bit of re-planning and re-structuring at the moment but I am really looking forward to writing his route.

I do not have an ETA on release for either of these routes beyond "This year." It's impossible for me to predict how difficult the writing will be. Reuben's route has been really tricky to write just because the plot is sort of crime...thriller? ISH? And I've had to do a lot of editing to smooth out how things flow. That kind of thing is difficult to predict until you've actually started writing.

ANYWAY. Throughout the year I've written a few small things that will eventually go in the lore book and taken some notes on other things I want to include. ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

But I won't pretend 90% of my energy hasn't gone to just developing this game and getting it out there.

I have done some work and planning on next projects though. On my so called "Late Night Projects" (IE stuff I work on late at night or on weekends and my spare time). All these projects are things I hope to complete after Gilded Shadows is complete.

Some of them are experimental (trying out new features, new release styles, new game structures, etc) and some of them are stories I've had saved on my hard drive for years and just finally want to finish.

I'm really excited to eventually explore my space guilds and steampunk worlds and dark fantasy worlds and all the other ideas I have. I may have to work on these projects until I'm 90....but I am DETERMINED. 💪

Through 2023, I want to finish Gilded Shadows and all Gilded Shadows content (lore book, art book, KS rewards, etc). And then start to work on my next project!

So I hope you all stick with me - through this year and (hopefully) many years of game-making to come!

Thank you all for your endless support and encouragement. I truly hope this year is a better and happier year for everyone.

Be blessed! And I love you all. 💖💖

~Esh

[alfgifu]

analysing my own fic: the navel, the gaze, and the wanging on about it

So.

I used to be fairly active online in fandom-adjacent spaces but almost entirely as a lurker. I was still following various tumblr accounts through a feed-reader, but had otherwise kind of switched off for a decade or two. I spent more time online in other places, discussing religion and politics mostly, and hadn’t really done much for myself or for fun.

I kept writing, both at work and in my spare time. I got better at explaining things concisely and persuasively. I spent hours over drafts of novels that I knew were shit, partly because I wanted to improve but partly because [black hole of self-sabotage due to stress of undiagnosed autism].

In the autumn of 2022 I was doing what I imagine a lot of us did that year - getting my head around life adjustments after the acute phase of the pandemic. The trauma, the impact on my spouse and kids, the impact on my job. Jobs, I should say, because I had whirled through a lot of them in the previous couple of years and ended up somewhere I couldn’t have predicted and wouldn’t necessarily have wanted to land.

It was by chance that I found and enjoyed Victoria Goddard’s writing that year, when I was unsettled and reaching around for things to try. There was a link to a fan-run discord community in the afterword of At the Feet of the Sun and I was curious enough to check it out. I had been disengaging from social media for a while - algorithmic feeds drive me up the wall - but there seemed no harm in finding a new place to lurk.

I hadn’t realised that new arrivals are actively welcomed in discord servers. I also hadn’t realised how easy it is to join a voice channel by accident while you’re trying to figure yourself out. Two interactions with friendly people - enough to lower the internal friction to posting something else. And something else after that.

And I had been thinking, hadn’t I, that I might want to write some fanfiction? Twenty years of reading and not writing… It was surely my turn. It would be good practice, a chance to test myself on sharing fiction in public.

Perhaps, I thought, one or two people will read it. Perhaps I��ll get some feedback.

Welp.

I hadn’t allowed for how welcoming and supportive the community would be. I hadn’t realised how hungry a tiny fandom is for new content. I hadn’t known how addictive any kind of validation about my writing would prove.

Anyway my fingers slipped and

So that happened.

In November it’ll be two years since I joined the fandom; in December, two years since I first posted a fic chapter to AO3. It seems like a good time to take stock.

My writing pace has dropped like a brick in the past six months due to other life stressors, which has kiboshed both fanfic and the ambition to finish another original novel this year (and with it the hope to maybe, this time, writing something less shit and more shareable).

This month I’ve mostly been drawing Inktober doodles instead of writing. I hope to recover a bit that way. The other life events continue but unlike earlier this year the stresses seem likely to end in a good place - eventually! - and when things are less full-on I have to believe that the urge and capacity to write fiction will recover.

For now, having blown the dust off this tumblr, I’m going to do some processing by taking a look here at the various things I’ve written and contributed to over the past two years. I’m planning to reflect on how and why they came about, on what worked and what didn’t, and on what I learned from writing them.

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

OUT TAKES FROM 2800ft

NORMALLY I JUST DELETE THESE ENTIRELY but in the directors commentary for 2800ft I make a lot of references to the BDSM draft of the fic and I FOUND SOME OF THEM so here they are entirely unedited because it felt like a waste, a thing I have LITERALLY NEVER THOUGHT BEFORE IN MY LIFE

I'm still so sad the BDSM didn't end up suiting the tone of the fic, but I am glad I removed it. There was going to be a whole bit where Hux reached into his pocket to feel the key for bens collar as the plane when down, but i think the fic stands better on it's own

HAVE THESE ANYWAY FUCKERS

(edit: I'm going through my document conflicts on scrivener and I found a few more so I'm pasting them at the bottom but ur not getting fomating on these bc I'm lazy)

6/9/22 St. Louis, Missouri The Organa-Solo Residence

"You're insane," Ben says as the front door closes behind him. "You know that, right?" "I see you got my request," Hux replies, looking up from his book. He's been reading on the couch since he got home, waiting for Ben to land. "Tell me you didn't actually get this notarized." He holds up the piece of paper Hux slipped into his bag a few days ago, in anticipation of the event. "It's a remarkably cheap fee," Hux tells him, setting his book aside. "There's a limit on how much notaries can charge in Missouri, if it's a financial concern." Ben stares at him before reading the paper aloud. "A formal request of Ben Organa-Solo, made by Armitage Organa-Solo, to be fulfilled on June 9th, 2022," he starts. "If both parties are amendable, and schedules align, in celebration of the national holiday, Mr. and Mr. Organa-Solo will-" Ben stops, setting the paper down on the entryway table. "A formal request for sex?" Hux takes in the flush of Ben's cheeks, the hand toying with his hair. He's not furious, he's just embarrassed, but if the pace of his breathing is any indication- He stands, coming to meet Ben at the door. "You don't know what to be mad about, do you?" Hux asks, loving how Ben's head tilts downward, his eyes half-lidded. "You weren't expecting it, but it's within all out limits, and-" It comes to Hux, then. "You're not upset at all, you're just surprised." His hand comes to Ben's neck, pressing his thumb into the tense muscles and letting his fingers dig in between vertebrae. "Do you need a moment to adjust?" Ben shakes is head, so Hux steps closer, putting himself firmly into Ben's personal space. A soft hand on Ben's chest is all it takes to have him against the door, strong hands clenching at his sides listlessly. "You can touch me," Hux tells him, and his hips are held in a loose grip. "I'm sorry I surprised you. I thought we had done enough things similar, that it wouldn't be too much of a shock." Ben mutters something, and Hux uses a finger to tilt his chin up. "What was that?" "I thought you had a lawyer write it," Ben admits. "It sounded more formal than you normally are, in these things. I-" Words seem to fail him as his flush moves from his checks down to his neck. "The notary on top of that was a lot of strangers knowing I was going to suck your dick." "I tried a new style," Hux says. "I've been reading a few books on contract law in my spare time, thought it would be fine to try out. The notary was a half-asleep woman at the post office, she didn't even bother to read the document. Just had me sign it and her coworker witness it." He pauses. "Did you like that they might know?" "Didn't like it, how much I liked it." Ben draws a breath, letting his head roll back against the wall. "It's infuriating, wanting people to know what you do to me, all while refusing to let them see." "Private exhibition," Hux says. "Well, theoretical, more like." He pauses, wrapping his arms around Ben's shoulders. "I'll keep that in mind, but you haven't submitted a reply to my request." Ben laughs, leaning into him. "Request approved," he says. "Although I refuse to grant it holiday status." "National Day of Sixty-nining is sacred," Hux replies, pulling Ben from the door to lead him towards the bedroom.

-

10/07/22 St. Louis, Missouri The Organa-Solo Residence

"And he has no idea?" Hux rolls his eyes at Poe, taking the cake out of the freezer so it can thaw on the counter. In their small living room, most of their friends are gathered, drinks in hand and broken off into conversation circles. Phasma is asking Rey about Charlotte, Mitaka is meeting Finn as someone outside of the airport, and not just another employee he passes coffee to, and Han and Leia are having an unsurprisingly delightful time telling stories of Ben as a teenager to anyone who will listen. "I told him I was working, and that we were booked on fights, so I wouldn't have time to come down and see him, but I gave him specific instructions, and-" "I can't stress how much I don't need to know about your sex life," Poe says, cutting him off. "They weren't sexual," Hux huffs. It's an absolute lie, though. The instructions were incredibly sexual, but they were also meant to start the party a few hours later, and instead everyone started showing up early. Hux will just have to make up the disappointment to Ben later. It wouldn't be the longest Ben has handled social interaction with a cage on. Besides, Ben has his own key to it for emergencies. If he wanted, he could take it off while he changed, and Hux would understand. "I hate you so much," Poe whines, pulling Hux away from his thoughts. "Both of you, honestly." Hux shrugs. "Not my fault you're boring in bed." They leave the kitchen and the conversation behind as Hux hears a car door slam outside. "All right, I'm gonna meet him outside, everybody hide." And he does, steps onto the porch. He's supposed to be at work, but he's not so cruel as to allow Ben to completely embarrass himself. He's just smart enough to do it without a paper trail. "You're-" "Act surprised," he whispers. "They all thought this was a great idea, and showed up at our house without consulting me, but your parents flew in, and you know I feel bad saying no to them." "I hate surprises," Ben mutters, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "I know, but I couldn't get away to call you. It was supposed to start at six, I was going to tell you when you got home, after-" he looks down, and Ben curses. "Up to you." "Not in front of my parents," he says. "Jesus, I'm gonna need a second." "Buying you time won't be hard, I haven't pulled the cake. I'll vamp." And then Hux is opening the door, ushering Ben in and watching as someone turns on the lights and their friends and family pop out from behind pieces of furniture. They sing happy birthday, and then Hux sends Ben to the bedroom to change and asks Han to tell the story of when Ben broke his window trying to move his bed. It's at least a ten minute story, and a good one, so no one will notice if Ben takes a moment longer to change than strictly necessary.

It's not until later, when guests are shooed away and they lay in bed, covered in sweat and fluids, that Ben curls into his chest. "I love you," Ben says, pressing idle kisses to his skin. "I just- Used to have to deal with their terrible ideas for my birthday alone. They'd get a cake everyone liked, instead of the one I wanted, they'd try to make me invite the whole class. I know they just wanted me to have friends, but it was awful. I didn't stop hating my birthday until I moved out." "It's the least I can do, given your agreement to entirely ignore mine." He runs fingers through long hair, pressing lips to the top of Ben's head. "Next year, I'm just forcing them to bend to my will, but I thought one year in was too soon to become your controlling spouse." Ben laughs, breath warm against his skin, and the arm hanging over Ben's shoulder pulls him closer. "You've always been controlling," Ben tells him. "Luckily for you, I'm pretty into that."

-

Smaller outtakes:

From the scene where they're heading to ikea:

“It should be the Malm,” Ben insists, because apparently, their earlier discussion about which bed frame to buy wasn’t finished. “It’s not practical,” Hux says, and then lowers his voice, “there’s no place to tie on that headboard, and I’m not buying under the be straps.” The red tinge that takes over Ben’s cheeks is well worth his own discomfort at bringing up their sex life in public. “So not the Malm,” Ben mutters, and Hux smiles into his drink. “You’re both gross,” Mitaka yells across the empty Starbucks. The early flights are only just starting, the line for security not yet backed up by the entrance. Hux flips him off as Ben’s skin returns to its normal color.

This scene was replaced by 5/30/21 take 2, which i think was a better scene because 'airport might get a bird dog' felt too on the nose

His feet are tucked under Ben’s thighs, still freezing despite the chill outside. It’s the start of a long weekend for both of them, three days where neither of them have any reason to be at the airport. Normally, this was cause for a trip, but spring cleaning had overtaken both of them the last few days. Now, with the last cobwebs and remnants of winter cleared from the apartment, they settle into a calm evening. “I heard the airport is thinking about getting a bird dog,” Hux says idly, not looking up from his tablet. Ben’s eyes are closed, his head lolled onto the back of the sofa, but his breathing is still relatively shallow. “If nothing else, the social media team is excited to have someone who won’t say no to their ridiculous video ideas.” Hux may still be bitter about being asked to join a group photo for Saint Patrick’s Day, even after he told the man three times that being ginger did not automatically make him Irish. “A dog on the ground isn’t going to prevent bird strikes in the air,” Ben grumbles, sitting up and blinking his eyes open. “I’m not sure it’s the best way for the airport to spend it’s money.” “Studies say otherwise,” he retorts, but lets the matter die. “And what would you have them spend money on?” Ben laughs, some joke Hux isn’t privy to. “No, really, what can they buy for the cost of a dog that would make you happier?” “They could just give you that money, and I’d be fine.” Rolling his eyes, he closes out of his email and sets his tablet aside to crawl into Ben’s lap. Any edges of sleep vanish, as do conversations of work.

[danielfuckingricciardo]

Hiiii, could you please writing something about coming out to Daniel as non binary ? Thanks 💜

Pre-author’s note - I can’t believe this has just been sitting in my drafts since July whattt?? I literally never check my drafts and I did today on the off chance and found this? Anyway I’m so sorry anon!! Anyway, enjoy a trip to the past, my writing circa July 2022!

This is such an amazing request!! I wanted to write something featuring a non-binary reader for a while and getting your ask inspired me to go for it!

This isn’t really a shippy fic, it’s more of a friendship fic where Daniel and the reader are teammates. Reader uses they/them pronouns throughout! Slight warning for transphobia mention but not heavily as I wanna keep it wholesome and positive!!

I hope you enjoy anon! Sorry it took me so long to get around to answering your request! ❤️

- “Hey Danny, you got a minute?” You say, racing over to your teammate who is stood in the corner of the room scrolling through his phone, his headphones wrapped around his neck.

- “I’m free as a bird, what’s up?” He says, locking his phone and stashing it away in his pocket.

- “I need to talk to you, in private, about something.” You say, chewing your bottom lip awkwardly.

- “Are you okay? Should I be worried?” Daniel asks, looking at you, his concern visible in his expression.

- “I’m fine, I’m fine, I promise. Just, it’s important, okay?” You say, offering him a reassuring smile. He nods, and follows you back to your driver’s room.

- Daniel takes a seat on the sofa, and you close the door behind him, beginning to pace up and down in the cramped room.

- “Are you sure you’re okay? You look beyond anxious right now,” Daniel asks.

- “Yeah, I’m fine I just- I have to tell someone about this thing but at the same time I’m terrified I’m going to pick the wrong person to tell and I just- I’m freaking out a bit,” You say, your pacing increasing in speed as you try and dispel your nervous energy.

- “Well, you know you can tell me anything right? Completely without judgement, unless you’ve murdered someone, in which case I do have to report it to the police, unless it’s someone I hate, then I’d help you hide the body,” Daniel says, picking up on the anxious vibe you’re giving off as his leg bounces nervously.

- “I haven’t murdered anyone, yet, so you don’t need to worry about that,” you laugh, “This thing’s been eating me up inside for months, and not sharing it and keeping it all a secret has been slowly killing me, but I’m terrified of what people are gonna think, how they’re gonna react. People are fucking horrible sometimes, they can be so nasty, and I don’t know if I’d be able to cope with people knowing, but at the same time it’s literally killing me keeping it a secret and living this way. So fuck it, I’m just gonna tell you,” You say, stopping in front of Daniel.

- “I’m all ears,” Daniel says, looking up at you from his seater position.

- “I’m non-binary.” You say, taking a deep sigh of relief after finally saying those words.

- “Wow, okay, that’s cool! Do you have a different name, or pronouns or anything?” Daniel responds, his head tilted slightly.

- “Um, I kinda like (y/n), I think it has a nice ring to it. And I prefer they/them pronouns,” You say, taking a seat beside Daniel on the sofa:

- Daniel turns to you and smiles a genuine, friendly smile, full of care and love. “Nice to meet you (y/n), I’m Daniel, he/him,” he chuckles as he holds out his hand for you to shake. You oblige, shaking his hand firmly and joining him in laughter.

- “So, are you going to do some sort of grand coming out, or are you just keeping it on the down low, between friends and stuff?” Daniel asks.

- “I wanna just tell my friends and family first, weed out the assholes in my inner circle before I tell the world. I’m absolutely shitting it, no question. There’s no doubt there’s a million transphobic assholes out there who won’t respect me or my pronouns, but I hope that me going public about my identity will help all those fans out there who are just as confused about their gender identity as I was.” You say, and Daniel nods along, smiling brightly at you.

- “Fuck the transphobes, you know I’ve always got your back.” Daniel says as he pulls you in for a hug. You nestle your head into the crook of his neck as he gently strokes your back, dropping his head down carefully to kiss your head. You feel a tear run down your cheek; a tear you didn’t even remember crying.

- “Thank you, so much Daniel. I’m glad I told you first” You say into his chest, and you can practically feel his proud smile beaming against your hair.

- “They’re probably new to the whole gender neutral pronouns thing, they did correct themselves afterwards.”

[thecheesywritingcabin]

A Pre-2024 Update

Hi. Long time no post. How’s everyone doing? Surviving what’s left of 2023? I hope so.

Anyway, before 2024 starts, I thought I’d break down 1) where I’ve been and 2) what I’ve been up to. This update is now 3 months overdue after all.

What’s Been Going On

So, the last time I posted an update was April. I was firmly in “Act 2/3 territory” back then, so where does that leave me? Don’t worry, I won’t drag out the reveal.

As of September 27th, draft 3 of The Case of the Crawling Shadows is done. We all have read over the book, and are at a point where we're ready to share it with people.

I can't overstate how happy I am about it - we've been working at this thing since April 2022, and we're finally here. We can start talking about publishing this thing. I CAN SHOW PEOPLE THE BOOK.

Back in September, I intended to do a post about it. There's a draft announcement saved on my computer somewhere for that purpose.

I remember reaching the end of the book, and then scrolling back to the top as I usually do. I didn't find any outstanding comments, or weird spelling/grammar, or even a sentence I thought looked funky. As I read through, searching for weak points, none materialised. I was happy with the book.

It was the weirdest feeling, almost melancholy. For those of you who don't know, I've never finished a novel before. Starting them isn't a problem, but I tend to keep going and just...abandon them. This was a first. I enjoy writing, and it was a bit sad to not be writing this story that consumed a large portion of my life any more.

So, I told the others I was done with my side of the edit, stepped away for a bit, and then threw myself into some writing exercises to feed the itch. The others finished their edits and read-throughs not long after.

From here, the plan is simple. The three of us are sending it to some beta readers (ie: close friends to double check things) on Tuesday. After that I’d like to send it out for a sensitivity read, do tweaks according to both sets of feedback, then…yeah. We’re good.

The plan at this point is self-publishing so @fioriisketches and @lazyninjartist have the freedom to design the inside and outside of the book. I'm hype to see what we can do with the layout.

What Else Has Been Going On

So, it's been 3 months, and there's been a bit going on between now and September. First and foremost, I started drafting pieces of book 2 (yes, we want to do another book) and doing character studies in November. I'm probably going to pick up a 4thewords subscription next year after how much fun I had during NaNo 2023.

December I took a break from writing a bit to compensate for how much I was doing in November. The plan is to ease back into it Janurary/February - then again, my plans have failed before.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to what 2024 brings - I'll hopefully see you all there. For now, I'm going to leave you with one of my favourite parts of The Case of the Crawling Shadow. @lazyninjartist handled the opening section during draft 1, then @fioriisketches and I came in to embelish and adjust dialogue. It's one of the chapters that's changed the least since we started, I think.

[jasperygrace]

January 2023 Mid Monthly Report

Hello hello, everyone!

It’s been a while—how have you all been? Life’s been pretty busy for me recently. I’m in my third year of college now and I’m starting to feel the pressure. It’s a bit scary if I’m being honest. Time has never been on my side, an experience I’m sure many creatives can relate to, and these last few years have flown by. Some days it feels as if I’m being dragged along behind it, hitting every rock and piece of debris in my path.

Perhaps I’m being existential, but it’s something I came to realize during my hiatus. Life is short, and there is so much I want to do with my existence. So I have the same resolution this year as I did last: to do something bigger and better. What that something is, I don’t know yet. But I hope you’ll join me in seeing it realized.

Anyway, I’ve expositioned long enough. You’re probably curious as to what I’ve been up to since I’ve been gone. Well—you’re in for a treat!

If you’re interested in my work, consider checking out the Masterlist or my Artstation.

So without further ado let’s begin!

~~Project Progress~~

Sharing the Tale

On the Tumblr side of things, I’ve decided that I want to be more open and share my writing more this year. In the past, I would only share snippets I’ve written if I had been tagged in something. Otherwise, the only time I shared progress was through my Mid Monthly Reports.

This year, I want to break out of my shell and put myself out there as best I can. My first plan of action is to share weekly snippets—with how much I’ve written, it’s a shame not to share it with you all, so I hope this will create more interest in Project : Desert.

Secondly, I’ve developed the bad habit of hiding my art behind my MMRs—despite being an artblr, you’d think I’d never make art! So now, unless I’m unveiling something big (like you shall see in a bit ;^)), I’ll be posting my art more freely. So expect sketches! Expect doodles! Expect the ramblings of a madman!

Thirdly, I want to do more with the Youtube channel I created last year. Since I’ve been busy with moving and school, it was hard to create content for it. But now that I’ve lightened my workload, I hope I can start posting there again. So I hope you’ll look forward to that :^)

Art Nouveau Series

Those who may follow my Artstation might know I got a little bit of art done during my hiatus.

So it is with great pleasure to finally show you the finished Art Nouveau series for Project : Desert. Enjoy!

A heart so full of love that you’ll bleed for the dregs. You know how your story ends, but you won’t stop to rewrite it.

So small was the pup born from soot and mud. Time will move on without you, but it is finally time to forgive yourself.

Remember what you’ve seen here, my dear. Though you walk with them as support, you may be the last who will remember them.

You’ve done all you can to protect your liege, now let him grow without you. And take heed, you still have your part to play.

Draft 2

If you remember from my Hiatus post back in September, I was working on Draft 2 of Project : Desert as part of a semester project for one of my classes. Well, I have made huge progress so far! Before the end of 2022, I was able to finish the Pre-Log and Act 1; now I am currently working on Act 2!

So with this in mind, here’s the general schedule I’ll be working with for the remainder of Draft 2:

By the end of February, I hope to have Act 2 completed and some of the accompanying storyboards done.

By end of April, Act 3 should be completed with most of the book’s storyboards done.

During the month of May, I plan on editing and finishing the remaining storyboards. I will also start looking for beta readers during this time.

By June, I hope to have Draft 2 ready for betas to read.

With Pro:Des being at its halfway mark now, I suppose I should discuss what the plans are for the project. As of writing this, I plan to release Pro:Des late 2024, and should my university allow it, publish it as my Honors Capstone. This hard deadline gives the project the urgency I need to get it completed. For now, I just have to make sure I reach my current goals before I start thinking too far into the future.

So in the meantime, I’ll keep doing my thing, and I hope you’ll continue supporting me in the process.

.

.

.

Oh, I nearly forgot!

I wrote all of this still referring to the project as Project : Desert. I’m excited to tell you all that I’ve finally come up with an actual name for it!

I’ve decided to call it:

An Immortal Laid to Rest

~~Goals~~

January Goals:

Complete up to Chapter 22 by February 18th (16/25 total)

Work on new storyboards for Chpt 3, 5, & 7 by February 15th

Create concept art for Clotho and Lachesis (must complete Clotho before Chpt 7 storyboard)

Create a new video for Youtube Channel before next MMR

Post weekly snippets every Friday

Make a WIP intro post (not urgent)

That’s all I have this month—it feels good to be back writing this. I really missed the MMRs.

Thank you for all the support you guys have given me these last few years. I know I’m just a small blog on this side of the internet, but it’s really thanks to y’all that I even have the motivation to keep going with this.

So as always, thanks for reading and I hope you’ll support me in my future endeavors!

[ezamevolni]

Thanks for the quick take on their living situation. Love the fact that you have multiple drafts that you can prolong until 2025 ( but please don't, lol. Dying to read more about them, so don't make us suffer to wait that long. 😃)

Speaking of their living situation a bit more, I agree that there are far more risks for them, so I am kind of curious how they approach that if they are together, together in the future after military.

Hope you get the chance to discuss about the infamous vlives for JK, one where Jin hinted at sleeping and resulting JK to end recording right after, and the recent one, where drunk, chaotic Jin appeared before his enlistment. Question, did Jin stay? ( I want to say yes, but there was an indication by JK that staff was waiting for Jin).

On the note with Jin's bday live, I know some jinkookers assume that JK was there. However, I disagree. Jin wouldn't lie, and there's no reason to lie about something like that. Some also assumed that Yoongi was there because of the cat noise, but I wanted to note that Jin's friend Hyunbin has a cat, too. (So, if you want to write about Jin's bday live, please look into his gaming friend circle, who he was close with who could have also been there, cos not everyone talked about it)

Hello again! Replied a lot slower because I was struggling to push out that really long post... I told myself I'm not allowed to post anything until I get that one done. And it worked!

Not making excuses🫣 when I say I'm not prolonging anything but just have a lot of ideas for posts. I also would like to tackle the housing topic when I've got some dots connected and some substance to my opinions ;) So I have some earlier ideas I would be working on first, hope you'll stick around and have fun reading those.

The infamous vlives you're referring to are Jk's birthday vlive in 2021 and 2022 I believe.

Jk's birthday vlive 2022 with drunk Jin: I did a bit of a rambling analysis on Jin being there, here's the post if you're interested in checking it out :) Feel free to dm if you want to discuss more.

Jk's birthday vlive 2021 when Jin posted right before Jk signed off: I found it to be semi-sweet and semi-funny. Jin really told everyone he was waiting for Jk to come back to bed but since he was taking so long, Jin's sleeping first. Hmph. Meanwhile Jk had already stated 5 minutes earlier that it's going to be his 'last last last song', although he said that a couple songs ago too. Eventually their timing matched in a weird way, Jin posted the birthday message thinking Jk was going to keep going, and Jk signed off just as Jin posted 😂

What happens after the live ended is up to you to decide. Not baiting you to go delulu but really, we don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Regarding Jin's birthday vlives, I have no idea whether for the duration of the lives if Jk was there or not, because there aren't any clear indicators saying that he was. He could have been, he also could have not been. But since his presence was not felt and Jin jokingly complained about Jk being 'ungrateful' for not going over, it's fine to take Jin's word as it is. Not a big deal. The lives were like less than 25 minutes in total and Jin didn't seem super interested in staying on camera anyway. If Jk wasn't at Jin's place for those 25 minutes, I think it's fine. I wonder why some fans need Jk and Jin to be stuck together 24/7 every waking moment for the ship to be valid. Take a breather, if needed, just imagine that Jin kicked Jk out before starting the live and only let him back inside once he was done. There. Jinkook were together on Jin's birthday aside for 25 minutes that day.

Instead of the negatives or the unseen, I like to focus on the subtle and sweet. Like that heart-shaped chocolate cake front and center, which Jin 'disregarded' entirely. btw chocolate is their thing.

Besides it's not like he wasn't aware of it...he had to pull the hamster cake closer to him to light the candles then push it back to the side to show to the camera, all the while refusing to move the chocolate heart in the way. Wouldn't it be easier to light and cut the hamster cake Jinnie, if it was right in front of you the entire time? Why leave that chocolate obstacle in your way YOU CAN CLEARLY MOVE IT OR NOT EVEN SHOW IT SINCE YOU PRETENDED IT DIDN"T EXIST ANYWAY. (I actually do get worked up at times when I think about the games they're playing right in front of us. I'm lucky I actually support them. Those rascals.)

The intent to disregard the chocolate heart is further highlighted by his mention of another cake that didn't even make it to the big screen. Jin lit and hand-sliced the hamster cake prepped by the company, then verbally brought up a princess cake his neighborhood friends had brought over (no visuals), however the sizable Maraschino cherry topped, dripped with chocolate, bouncy and moist special heart-shaped bundt cake didn't even get an honorable mention. That's what makes this one special special.

And why would this cake without a name be from Jk? Watch their MAMA 2020 Bangtan Bombs✨ As always, the answers are already given.

As for the mystery cat, maybe it's a cute lil phantom haunting the members' houses. Idk if it's even real. Or maybe it's one of the staff's. I'm not that interested in following the trail of the cat noises. And if Yoongi was there, he would be on camera. Jin will make him.

Idk, not every trail is worth following if you dig. I've learnt that it's best to recognize the ship's main gives and hone in on those. Can't go after every will-o-the-wisp we see. 😉

[inkofamethyst]

October 4, 2022

AHHHHHAHHABIDSVFJGFIGGJFDKJK

THIS ISN’T EVEN THAT BIG OF A DEAL BUT ALSO I AM PLEASED

Okay so let’s start with a bit of exposition: I’m not feeling amazing with my whole grad school search right now uhm before today I’d only received 2/4 responses to potential advisor inquiries, and one of the ones who didn’t respond was someone I actually really wanted to talk to bc their projects seem really really dope.  And I woke up today exhausted after after a nightmare (I don’t remember much of it, but it follows the theme of me running late and being lost and frustrated, a common thread in my dreams as a person who rarely dreams), plus it’s the fourth day in a row of cold gloomy rainyness and I’m kind of over it.  I want the sun back.

Anyway, I was not really feeling today as a concept.  But it’s been two days since I contacted an advisor who did not respond, so I had to reach out to the next person on the list, a dude at a very very very impressive university.  We’re talking tippy-top tier.  And that terrified me because I’d hoped to get more practice in with talking to potential advisors before going for this guy.  But alas, he was next on my list, and I didn’t want to let too much time go by without throwing my hat into the ring (I know I’m late, I know, but I’m not too terribly behind), so I did that on my lunch break today.  Told him my availability, gave him my CV, told him I could not meet tomorrow (I had another potential advisor meeting in the morning and a meeting with a rec-writer in the afternoon), and waited.  Impatiently.  I went through two classes, checking my email every half hour.  AND Y’ALL HE RESPONDED!  Almost immediately after my last class let out too lol.  Remember how I said I had a meeting in the afternoon?  Well the guy had to reschedule (which I was initially bummed about but you know?) and potential advisor and I are meeting tomorrow at that time instead.

And, see, this doesn’t really mean much, I know it.  It means he has an opening in his lab, maybe.  He might not’ve read my CV at all.  I don’t really even know the guy, just that people say great thing about him.  And this program is ultra-selective, of course it is, everyone wants a degree from there if they can manage to get in (I don’t actually know if I’d choose to go there over one of the other places on my list though :/).  I’m getting way ahead of myself but I am so happy like I’ve had so many things go awry during this process and it feels amazing when something goes as expected hoped.

Also I now have two potential advisor meetings (plus a volunteer mentoring thing) in short succession tomorrow which is... a lot.  I’m also going to need to draft up some additional emails to send out to another set of potential advisors tomorrow.

In other news, I’ve been playing Snake Eater by Cynthia Harrell nonstop for the past twenty-four hours.  I love the Bond-y-ness.  I love how it feels like it comes right out of 70s soul with the strings and the backup singers.  I love the vocalist to no end.

Crime is the way I fly to you~

I don’t have the slightest clue what the Metal Gear franchise is about (or whether feeding on tree frogs is a legitimate game mechanic) but boy howdy they’ve just about got me hooked.

Today I’m thankful for, well, you know :D

[zimms]

an olliewicks flower shop au to soothe the soul! this is somewhat based on mine and @tingo-tango’s tags on this post. 

fields of flowers, soft beneath my heels

Ollie’s wrist-deep in a pot of soil, sweat rolling down his cheeks and sunlight streaming through the windows of Faber’s Flowers, when the shop’s bell rings and a new customer stumbles through the door. Ollie frowns slightly and hastily wipes the beads of sweat off his chin with the corner of his shirt, before plastering on his best customer service smile to greet whoever needs flowers at 7:30 am on a Tuesday morning. He mentally catalogues the possibilities; maybe they’ve forgotten their spouse’s birthday? Or maybe it’s a gift for someone at work? Maybe it’s an apology present because they accidentally cycled into a fruit stall and ruined a fresh batch of melons? 

(Okay, maybe not, but it would be a refreshing change in the cycle of constant businessmen grovelling for their partner’s forgiveness)

Ollie shakes himself from his thoughts and grins across the counter at the customer, who’s sporting a baseball cap and a t-shirt that sits just right across his broad shoulders. Ollie’s eyes track down the guy’s biceps which are a tad too big for the sleeves. Ollie consciously shut his mouth to stop himself from gaping; this guy was hot. As Ollie’s gaze roams across the customer’s face to meet his eyes, he realises three things. Number one is that he definitely shouldn’t be ogling a customer like he’s a piece of meat. Number two is that he hasn’t said anything to this guy yet. Number three is that at least a minute of awkward silence and staring has passed since the customer entered the shop. 

Ollie rips his eyes away from the customer’s face to stare at a spot slightly behind his left shoulder. “Hi! What can I help you with today?”

The guy shifts on the balls of his feet, scanning the shelves of bouquets and individual flowers. “Erm, I’m looking for a bouquet of flowers for my mom?” His voice raises at the end of his sentence, which is kind of cute, if Ollie does say so. He rubs the back of his neck and his checks flush pink. “I kinda need to apologise to her.”

Ah, a classic apology scenario. Got it. 

“What’s the apology for?” Ollie asks as he turns to the sink behind the counter to wash his hands. “Not that you have to tell me that is; it just might help as we make the bouquet.” He unravels the roll of tissue paper and cuts off a square to package the flowers in. 

Hot Guy winces. “Ah,” he says, “I kinda got into a fight in front of her the other night. She was not happy to say the least, so I figured I might as well get her some flowers to apologise for it.” 

“Cool, cool.” Ollie grins at him. “What kinda flowers do you want for her?” He gestured to the whole shop, where various buckets of flowers lined the walls, each displaying a different species. “We can get her just a plain old bunch that’s all just the same type of flower, or we could mix and match, create a nice piece of artwork that she’ll admire rather than a bunch that’s boring and all the same.”

Hot Guy’s eyes flick up from the counter and meet Ollie’s own, moving slowly up his body. If Ollie was feeling particularly optimistic, he’d say the guy was checking him out, but he pushes that thought to the corner of his mind because he’s made way too many faux-pas in the past by asking out guys that have come into the shop just for all of them to be straight. Hot Guy clears his throat. “Yeah, a mixture sounds good. I know her favourite flowers are hyacinths if that helps?”

“That’s perfect.” Ollie shoots him the most reassuring smile he can think of, eyes softening. He grabs the bucket of blue hyacinths that sit behind him. “These alright?” 

“Yeah, those are great,” Hot Guy says a little hoarsely, squinting at Ollie’s name tag, “Ollie.” Something settles in Hot Guy’s voice and he seems a bit more comfortable. 

“So, why'd you get into a fight in front of your mom?” Ollie reaches for the bucket of Narcissus behind him and waves a bunch at Hot Guy for affirmation. He nods in return. “Doesn’t seem like the best idea to me-” Ollie trails off, hoping that Hot Guy might get the hint and finally introduce himself. 

“Oh, uh, Pacer.” He coughs and the remaining tension leaks out of his posture. “Nah, a guy said something about Ma, and you know, I had to rush to defend her like the rash idiot I am.” 

Ollie laughs. “At least, it’s one of the more noble reasons to get into a fight. There’s a bit more chance of forgiveness, then.”

Pacer nods and his gaze wanders away from where Ollie is deftly making the bouquet to settle on the purple Clematis. 

“You like them?” Ollie makes a ‘gimme’ motion with his hands and Pacer passes the bucket over to him. Their hands briefly brush each other during the exchange and Ollie does everything in his power to ignore the jolt that goes through him at that brief skin to skin contact. “You’ve got a good eye; I was just about to grab them myself.”

“Yeah, my mom loves blue and yello-” Pacer cuts himself off with a sneeze. “Also, aren’t they the colours of the local hockey team around here? The Falcons?” Although he has a completely clueless tone to his voice, Pacer is studying Ollie’s reaction as if it might reveal the secrets of the universe. 

“Yeah, the Falcs! I only get to see them every so often, but they’re great,” Ollie says, doing his level best to ignore Pacer’s sudden intensity. “I was actually on the same team as Jack Zimmermann in college, which was pretty cool.”

“Really?” Pacer’s enigmatic expression becomes even more indecipherable. “That is pretty cool.” He looks slightly over his shoulder towards the street before meeting Ollie’s eyes and flashing a genuine smile at him. “I actually played a bit of hockey myself, you know.”

Ollie tries to convince himself that the bubble of excitement that rushes through him is because Pacer is such a good conversationalist and not for any other reason, like the fact that they have a couple of things in common, or that Pacer is one of the hottest guys he’s ever seen. 

(He fails.)

_X_

Pacer leaves about forty minutes later, with a bouquet and handwritten note in hand and a smile fixed firmly on his face. When Ollie goes to scrub down the counter and start repotting the plant he’d abandoned when Pacer had arrived, he spots a scrap of paper that definitely hadn’t been there before. The note is pretty cute; it’s a string of numbers and a smiley face, accompanied by a couple of lines from Pacer.

Would you like to go I would have asked you out earlier, but my tea friend always says it’s bad form to hit on workers whilst they’re on shift. Anyway, here’s my number if you want to go out some time? Call m Don’t worry if you don’t though!

- Pacer 

Ollie grins as he opens up his phone to add the number to his contacts, but pauses as he sees a Google Alert come through that he’s set up for the Falcs. The text reads, Providence Falconers acquire forward Pacer Wicks from Colorado Avalanche in exchange for a second round pick in the 2022 NHL Draft, and immediately underneath the caption, Pacer’s smiling face stares out at him. 

Pacer’s voice echoes in his mind. “I actually played a bit of hockey myself.”

Played a bit of hockey himself? Ollie cannot believe this guy. He plays in the fucking NHL and all he says is “I actually played a bit of hockey myself.” 

However, Ollie thinks as he opens up the article to see a picture of a bruised Pacer from his last game with the Avs, it would explain why he needed to apologise for fighting in front of his mom. 

_X_

Now that Ollie is aware of Pacer Wicks’ existence, he seems to follow him everywhere. Well, not Pacer exactly, but his name. 

It begins, like many things, at the grocery store. 

“Excuse me?” the cashier asks, as she’s scanning his groceries two days after Pacer first came into the florist’s. “Are you that hockey player? Pacer Wicks?” 

Ollie furrows his eyebrows. He doesn’t think that him and Pacer look that similar, but then again, Pacer’s only been in Providence a couple of days, so people don’t exactly know what he looks like yet. “No, sorry.”

The cashier purses her lips, taking a moment to study him again before ringing him up. “Huh, sorry! You guys just look really alike is all.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” Ollie gathers up his groceries. “These things happen sometimes.”

(He almost texts Pacer to tell him about it, but, as Ollie looks at the clock on his phone, he realises that Pacer probably isn’t going to want to receive a message about how someone thought they looked similar mid-way through his game against the Pens.

Also, he’d have to wish him luck and honestly, as much as Ollie loves the Falcs, he wouldn’t wish them too much luck against his hometown team.)

_X_

ollie

hey! i’ve finished off that other apology bouquet for your ma!

let me know when you want to swing by and pick it up!

also i was watching the game tonight; do you need me to make up another identical one for your ma, or do you wanna come into the shop to choose this one?

pacer

thanks ol! i’ll probably swing by to pick it up tomorrow and then help make the next one at the same time?

ollie

sounds like a plan!!

_X_

When he said these things happen sometimes to that cashier in the grocery store, he didn’t expect them to happen all the goddamn time. Be it at his favourite café, on the street, or on the commuter rail, someone always, always, asks if he’s Pacer Wicks. 

_X_

ollie

oof that hit from eriksen looks like it’s gonna leave a mark

pacer

yeah, half my face is swollen

ollie

yikes

pacer

i assume we’re still on for dinner in a couple of days right?

even if my stunning visage has been marred by the fists of a schooner

ollie

that was a very weird way of putting it

but yeah, i still wanna go out with you even if your face looks like a dodgeball

_X_

A girl taps him on the shoulder at Bitty’s Bites downtown. “Excuse me, are you Pacer Wicks?”

Ollie smiles sheepishly at her, brandishing his coffee cup with a scrawled Oily on it as if it might keep the Pacer Wicks fans away. “Sorry, you’ve got the wrong dude.”

He hurries out of there as quickly as his legs can take him after that, hands fumbling for his phone so that he can text Pacer about it.

ollie

jdshjkdsjh a girl just asked if i was you

pacer

oh?

ollie

yeah, i don’t really know why so many people ask if i’m you

especially as they usually ask when you’re on a roadie??

so i don’t get why they know who you are without knowing the falcs’ schedules

pacer

maybe they’re a fan of my dashing good looks rather than my hockey?

isn’t that why you agreed to go out with me after all?

Ollie grins to himself before sending back three words.

don’t push it

_X_

He’s less generous to the guy on the commuter rail, but in fairness that’s mainly because he stole the last seat just before Ollie could get there and it’s 6:30 in the morning. 

“Hey, aren’t you that hockey pl-?”

Ollie barely looks up from his phone before cutting him off with a sharp “No.”

_X_

Today, someone even asks him at the flower shop.

“No,” he says, heaving the deepest sigh he can whilst still remaining in customer service mode, “I think Pacer Wicks might have other things to do on a Saturday afternoon than work the till at a flower shop.” He shuts the cash drawer on the register with a bang and hands the customer their change and bouquet as quickly as he can. “Thank you for shopping with us! Enjoy your day!” 

He collapses back onto the wooden stool that he keeps behind the counter, taking a breather for approximately five seconds before a laugh echoes through the shop. Ollie jumps half a foot in the air before locating Pacer, who’s stood in the corner of the shop inspecting a piece of sea holly. 

He’s dressed up pretty nicely considering hockey players’ notoriously bad fashion sense, wearing a button-up, a nice pair of jeans that do all the right things for his hockey butt, and his ever-present baseball cap, but this time, unlike his first visit to the shop, it’s sat backwards on his head. He spins around to face the back of the shop, grinning his face off. “I’m impressed by the fact that she asked you that whilst I was standing in the shop and she still didn’t notice me.” He laughs, smirking across at Ollie. “Does that happen often?”

“Yeah, some people are surprisingly oblivious sometimes,” he says, “but also, I don’t look that much like you?” He pauses, trying to work out what Pacer’s face means. He places his hands on his hips and jokingly rounds on Pacer. “Do I?” 

Pacer chuckles, taking a few steps closer so that he’s leaning against the counter. “Not that much, but would it be so bad if you looked like me?” A mock-wounded expression plays across his features as he presses his hand to his chest. 

Ollie takes off his apron and hangs it up behind the counter. “Nope, because you are extremely hot.” He threads his fingers through the hockey player’s belt loops to pull him closer, feeling emboldened by Pacer’s flirting. “And if that means that people are inadvertently calling me hot whilst asking if I’m you?” He shrugs. “I can live with it.”

Pacer has to lower his gaze to meet Ollie’s eyes, the two inch height difference between them clearly obvious, even if Ollie is six foot, thank you very much. “You were right about something though,” Pacer murmurs, “I do have better things to do than stand in a flower shop on a Saturday afternoon.”

“Like what?” Ollie raises an eyebrow.

Pacer smiles softly down at him, taking his hand and interlacing his fingers with Ollie’s. “Like taking the cute florist that works there on a date for starters.” Pacer starts to move them towards the shop’s entrance. “There’s this lit-” He sneezes abruptly.

Ollie tilts Pacer’s head downwards. “That’s like the fourth time you’ve sneezed in the shop.” He rubs his thumb over his cheek, frowning when he sees that Pacer’s eyes are slightly red. “Are you okay?”

Pacer waves him off. “Yeah, it’s fine; my antihistamines just wore off.”

His-? Ollie furrows his eyebrows before leading his date out of the shop. “Pacer, are you allergic to flowers?” 

“No?” Pacer’s sheepish and slightly bunged up reply says everything that Ollie needs to know.

“Fuck, Pace, why have you been coming to the shop so much if you’re allergic? Surely you don’t like the aesthetics of flowers that much that you need to torture your sinuses every spare minute of the day.” Ollie pinches the bridge of his nose, voice full of exasperation.

Pacer holds his hands up in surrender. “In my defence, the first few times were because I did need to buy Ma flowers, but I didn’t keep coming back because the flowers were pretty.” He pulls Ollie close and frames his face with his hands. “I came back because the florist was.”

_X_

The final time Ollie is mistaken for Pacer is five years later as he’s heading towards the arena for Pacer’s final game of the season. In fairness, dressed in a Wicks jersey and a Falcs snapback, he probably looks more like Pacer now than he has at any time since he first got mistaken for him in the grocery store. 

“Excuse me?” A teenager taps him on the shoulder, their arm slung around a friend. “Are you Pacer Wicks?”

Ollie grins at the kid. “Nope,” he says, trying not to take too much joy in the hope fading from the fan’s eyes before he drops the bombshell, “I am his husband though.”

“Really?” The teenager’s eyes light up. “You’re not kidding, right?”

“Nope.” Ollie holds up his phone screen to show the kid a photo of Pacer kissing his cheek, just so that they know he’s not lying. “D’you wanna meet him after the game?” He smirks at them. “After all, I do know a guy.”

[jdeowrites]

Baby’s First Book Deal

Sooo… about that YA contemporary I’ve been working on.

(x)

As a young teen, I devoured countless books, TV shows and movies where girls living in fantasy worlds were forced into skin-revealing dresses; where girls in dystopias and apocalypses shed clothes for romantic scenes; where girls in contemporary settings changed into swimsuits for an impromptu swim, all without any warning beforehand. And I couldn’t help but wonder, didn’t they ever worry about their body hair showing? Did they get waxed in between chapters and it just wasn’t worth mentioning by the author? Or was this something that didn’t matter to most people? Or did these girls just not have body hair? I remember reading The Hunger Games and thinking it was a breath of fresh air when Katniss was waxed and plucked to be deemed pretty for the Capitol. Finally it was on the page. So maybe it wasn’t all in my head after all. 

But I knew it wasn’t just in my head, because the only other time I saw body hair on femme people was when it was played off for laughs. Understandably, this all really screwed with me growing up. So maybe it’s no surprise that eventually I would decide to write a book about it.

Fast forward to early 2019: I emailed my agent with a couple of new book ideas including: “high school debaters (I used to be on the debate team and there's so much potential drama!) and body hair beauty standards for girls. Possibly both in the same book?”

I held my breath when I sent that. I needn’t have worried; she was really into the idea. I started writing it in June 2019. Which was also the start of what I suspected was going to be a very challenging school year (I was right about that for more reasons than I knew at the time). I did this on purpose because I thought it would be a light, fun book to escape into. I was partially right. It was really fun to write all the high school drama, debating, and romance. It did help me through some hard times. But it was also unexpectedly painful.

Because it was so personal. In order to confront the issue of body hair, I had to confront the shame and stigma and subconscious biases drilled into me my whole life. I had to analyze my own concept of what beauty is, and its significance to a person’s self-worth, their worth in the eyes of others, and how those things overlap. And digging so deep into my own trauma was excruciating. I had to force myself to do it sometimes… and to write it without a filter. There were times that I’d re-read a passage and think, "This is too much. I should tone it down a bit." But those were the times it was most important to me to keep going. 

It was March 2020, the early days of the pandemic, when I had a draft I had run by betas and felt good about sending to my agent. I was so nervous. Was the subject matter too cringey? Would it be too unrelatable for most people? Was it even marketable?

Well, my agent loved it a lot. She said it made her cry. Which made me cry. It was just such a relief to know that someone else could identify with this book I had been so honest in, that I had poured some of the most personal parts of my soul into.

We went on submission that summer (for the uninitiated, that means your agent submits your book to editors at publishing houses. AND THEN YOU WAIT.). I had a good feeling about it, but as always I tried to manage my expectations. That didn’t stop me checking my email every 5 seconds but, you know. An effort was made.

We were nearly two months into sub when It Happened. I won’t bore you with the details of my life, but I was in the middle of a 26 hour shift when I got an email from my agent: “Call me!” Is all she said (oh the suspense). I sort of knew at that point. I stared at that email for quite a while, debating whether to wait until the next day when I was off work to get in touch, because as it was I knew I could become busy at any moment. But I couldn’t wait, of course. Patience? I don’t know her. Anyway, I called my agent. 

She told me we had an offer, and proceeded to read it out loud. Cue me crying silently in a tiny windowless room. Literal happy tears dripping down my chin as she talked, which has never happened to me before. I didn’t know how to process it. It was a surreal night after that.

Then we let other people who had the manuscript know, and suddenly there were more editors from different houses who wanted to talk! The next week was… a lot. Along with having a series of calls with a bunch of editors, all of whom I loved to pieces, I was also dealing with a 50+ hour work week, prepping for an exam, writing the exam (in the middle of which a preempt offer came in), an 11 hour road trip, and moving to a new city. I’ll probably remember that week for the rest of my life for the utter chaos it was… but hey, it all worked out. (also, funny thing: my deal announcement came out in the middle of a cross-country road trip. publishing stuff only happens when I’m busy, apparently!).

And now I get to say words I’ve only dreamed of: My debut novel will be published in summer 2022 by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House! Although it’s been a long time since I received this news, every so often I remember that it’s HAPPENING—that I get to go on this journey of publication, of being a debut author—and it feels brand-new and exciting all over again. There’s so much to look forward to! And I have so many more stories I’m excited to tell.

But I’m glad this book will be my debut. Somewhere along my process of research, writing, learning, and discussing with others, this story changed the way I viewed myself. I had not thought that would happen—I set out to write this story for other people, not for me. But it happened anyway.

My singular hope for my debut novel is that it can do that for someone else. If just one hairy girl picks up this book and understands there was nothing ever wrong with them, everything was worth it. Everything. I hope that happens. 

And if not, well, this book has already changed one person’s life: mine.

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[charmingpplincardigans]

January Kitchen Sink Check In

This is mostly for me, because I’m trying to become a better person this year, for varying definitions of the term ‘better’, and I like to see my progress laid out all organized like. It helps me move forward. So I’m gonna go through my Body/Mind/Money goals for January and note how I did and what I’m going to do moving forward!

BODY

Working Out: 

My two work out goals for the end of the year are to 1) be doing yoga semi-regularly and 2) be working out four days a week reliably, including the yoga. I’m working on easing myself into these (and all) habits, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and give up on everything, so my goal for January was to work out one day a week. And I worked out *drumroooooooll* NONE! NOT A ONCE. I don’t have an excuse for this. Part of it was stress, part of it was depression, part of it was sheer laziness. I promise myself I’m gonna work out at least once a week in February, but also shoot for the two times a week that is the February Goal. 

Food: 

I have several overall food goals for the year. One is to give up soda near completely, or at least to break my addiction to it. The others are to start planning meals and eat less meat. For January I wanted to drink only two sodas a day (20oz max). I managed that 23 days out of 31. In looking at the calendar you can reliably match the days I failed to the days that were extremely stressful or anxiety ridden. I have a very bad habit in those moments of throwing up my hands and deciding that I’m a failure anyway so nothing matters. That’s definitely a mental tick to keep an eye on over the next few months as my job no doubt just gets more and more stressful. The other goals I did okay with. I decided to plan one meatless meal a week. New recipes I made in January were: 

Black bean soup

Moroccan sweet potatoes

Spinach lasagna

Black bean & sweet potato enchiladas

Do recommend most of them. The lasagna had way too much cinnamon in it, which was kind of weird. If I make that recipe again I’m gonna quarter the amount. But I might just find a different veggie lasagna to make. 

For February I want to drop the soda to one a day (12oz max), and start to plan to make two meals a week. I’m doing okay with meat, but I could for sure do better. It helps that I have started making THE WORLD’S BEST SANDWICHES for lunch. Probably just gonna eat those forever instead of ordering out Huey Magoo’s or whatever. (The sandwich is hummus, cucumber, and feta on toasted Good Seed bread. Try it!)

Doctor Things:

Uff. I need to figure out the CPAP issues and the chest pain issues. I absolutely despised the first mask they sent me for the CPAP. It gave me panic episodes and I was ripping it off IN MY SLEEP. Insurance refused me a new mask until April, but my doctor came in like an angel with a sample version of a different type of mask to try. This one is...better. I’m still not comfortable in it and it’s not appreciably helping my sleep. People keep telling me it’s going to change my life, but that has not happened yet. On the other hand I have friends who’ve tried to make them work for YEARS and never did, so I’m wary of this whole process, but still trying. 

I had a sort of fraught meeting with my cardiologist last week. My chest pain symptoms had been getting better as of October, but with the change in my job I’ve back slid almost entirely. I had a 36 hour period of chest pain two weeks ago. I go whole nights having every heart attack symptom in slow motion, but doing nothing about it because I can’t afford for the ER to tell me I’m fine five times a month. I cried when she asked me why I didn’t go to a hospital when that happened. I feel so helpless all of the time and I’m certain I’m going to die any day now, even though my heart is technically physically fine. Can you anxiety yourself into a heart attack? I THINK YOU CAN. She did tell me to try to speak to the psychiatrist again about anxiety medication. The last time I tried the woman I saw didn’t want to prescribe me anything. She told me to work on my sleep and come back. Welp! The cardiologist said that if that happens this time she’ll write a note telling her to prescribe me something. We’ll see. I need to try to make that appt this month. 

MIND

Therapy:

My therapist thinks I’ve done really well over the last year with working on myself and said out loud that she thinks I’m better at dealing with some things and am in a good position to move forward. But I’m so stressed right now that I just feel like I’ve fallen apart again. We’re meant to start on EMDR this week, but I’m going to have to put a pause on it so I can talk about how I’m at like, the lowest point of my life, which she will be very supportive of and then probably remind me that if we could just get to the EMDR and work with the older traumas this might not feel so dire. I’m just, on the struggle bus and too tired to do anything but freak out about that. 

Writing: 

I have so may creative goals this year! Too many probably! I should put some back! My creative goals for the year are:

Complete a rough draft of AMLD (10,000 words a month)

Complete and mail out the Girls Who Date the Universe chapbook

Complete and mail out any remaining art for people who helped me with the car fund

Work on poetry and short fictions (Monster Story?)

Actually check in to @gywo every month (10 days a month goal)

My creative goals for January were to write 10,000 words on AMLD, work on the extra poems for GWDTU, and send the remaining postcards from the car fund. And uh...look. I did work on writing. I worked on the chapbook layout and editing pieces that needed to be edited/replaced, because there are several. I did also work on the outline for AMLD, but didn’t write new words on it. Not anywhere 10,000 of them at any rate. 

The owing people art thing is just...it fucks me up, man. I have learned a huge lesson between the car fund and the patreon. I get so in my head about how these people deserve beautiful things and then I tell myself I’m not capable of making things worthy of them and then I put off doing the thing because I want to put off letting them down and then it just spirals from there. ALL THE WHILE I AM FOR SURE LETTING THEM DOWN. I realize this is both unhealthy and unprofessional. It’s why one of my goals this year is to clear all of this once and for all so that I can square myself away with everyone and try not to end up here in the future. 

So, the January Goals now get rolled up into the February Goals, which leaves the new list for the month at: 

10,000 words AMLD

Complete extra poems for GWDTU

Send postcards from car fund

Complete layout for Boston chapbook for car fund

I did check in for GYWO. 

Future Plans:

Part of letting off the pressure for the now for me is always about planning for the future. Not like, the actual future, I’m not starting a 401k, let’s not go nuts. But for something that is one step forward. In my notes for my year goals this is all about moving back to Boston. I need to set a date for it. I need to save money for it. I need to keep my job until after I’ve done it. But now I think this part needs to include notes about my job itself and the ways I can either move forward with it or move away from it once and for all. 

I talked to Lisa and Kait at the beginning of the year about the moving plan, and now I just need to talk to my apartment complex to see if it would be feasible to extend the lease to December or February without paying an exorbitant amount in rent each month. If rent ends up being more than $2k/mo for the extension then I’m just going to have to have to wait until June 2022. This frustrates me, because I hate not being able to just follow through with decisions once I’ve made them, but patience is another thing I’m working on eternally. My goal for February is figure out money stuff well enough and talk to complex and set a timeline. 

Work is. Wow. It’s awful right now. I still have my job, which takes up much of my days, but because of re-org I’m also having to learn a whole new job which would also take up much of my day. I can’t not learn this job, because the person who used to do it is in another department now too, so there’s no one to get the work done if I don’t learn to do it. But I also can’t do both. I CAN’T DO BOTH. An issue popped up last week with my job that literally brought my ulcer back. I asked my boss for help with it and she sent me a message at one point saying she wanted to cry about it. So like. She knows now, right? She knows I can’t do both jobs?? BUT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT SO I GUESS I JUST GET TO SLOWLY KILL MYSELF. I’m just so frustrated, and angry that these decisions get made without taking the people in them into account, and of course anxious and miserable. I’m currently dreading work in a way I haven’t since I was in text perms. It’s real bad. So I have to find a way to make it work or find a way out. 

My February approach to that is to finish this Love It or Leave It book and see if I can’t divine where my true motivation lies, and also to research library school. I kind of would rather not go back to school. Not because I wouldn’t spend my entirely life in school if I could. I WOULD. But because it’s expensive and time intensive and there’s no promise my life will be better after it’s over. But every job I think I want pretty much requires that masters, so. We’ll look into it at least. 

MONEY

Eating Out:

During the pandemic, one of my money sinks became DoorDash. I never used it before, because it costs literally twice as much as just going to get the food. (Also because I kind of like eating in restaurants alone. Ah, one day again I hope!) But the more afraid I became of the outside world, the less inclined I was to go into a restaurant to pick up take out, so I’ve had it brought to me. And I need to cut that shit out! I have food at home! My goal for January was to order out only 4 times a week. I managed this for three of the weeks, but when I blew it it was definitely those weeks at the very beginning and very end of the month where I was super stressed. The goal in February is to only order out 3 times a month.

Savings:

I need to open a high yield savings account. I’ve had the starting money for the move just sitting in my bank account making me no extra money for like, four months. The latest reason I haven’t moved it over is that I’m worried I’m going to owe a lot in taxes this year because of the partial unemployment I got. Hopes are that since it was a work share the taxes were taken out ahead of time, but I do not trust the government with my money as far as I can throw them, so. I’ll do my taxes this month and finally know for sure. And then I WILL move the rest of the money into a high yield savings account. I WILL. 

Also, every time my credit union savings hits a grand, I’ll move $500 of that over into the high yield account to put toward moving expenses. 

Budget:

I keep meaning to sit down and work out my new budget for 2021. I’m bringing home a little bit less in my paycheck because I changed my health insurance, and I’m also, of course, trying to save as much as I can ahead of moving so I don’t put anything on credit cards. (I’m doing so well paying those down!) This means I need to save everything I can and not spend money on stupid frivolous stuff. I’m not buying clothing like I did in the before times, but I AM spending too much money at Target still, because the app lets me just peruse any dumb idea I have and then pick it up that day! What a disaster! So, I really need to work something out. Or at least, I need to check my bank accounts more often and keep tabs on how much is actually going out. I have a bad out-of-sight-out-of-mind habit when it comes to bank accounts. Just another piece of me to try to cure this year.

And that’s it for January. I’m now late to bed because I’ve been working on this post for an hour and a half. Working on my sleep is also a goal, but we’ll see how exercise and the cpap handle that. Til next month!

[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.