#Andre Deed

[msbigredmachine]

New To This - Chapter 12

MASTERLIST

“Yo Parrish, guess what just came in for you!”

Turning towards the office, Delilah allowed the excitement to bubble up inside her knowing exactly what had arrived at her mentor’s doorstep. Accepting the letter from him, she smiled as she opened it up and the details of her new developmental deal stared right back at her. At last, confirmation that in just three months’ time, her life as a struggling Jill-of-all-trades trapped in lowly, boring Pensacola was going to be a thing of the past.

She wanted to share this news with her father. She wished he was here. She would share her joy with her mother, her sister, and the man she loved. She’d already shared with the “other” man in her life, the one that had pushed her this far to begin with. It felt good to tell him, even though every thought of him was plagued with this weird, aching mix of guilt and desire all the time these days.

Ever since she returned from her tryout two weeks ago, Tank noticed there was something off about his star pupil. She was still sharp and solid in the ring and the light in her eyes still seemed to shine for this business. But there was something else weighing her down and he couldn’t figure out what it was. Running his hand over the top of his shorn head, he reached out and snapped his fingers in front of her face, rolling his eyes when she masked her true feelings by playfully blowing a noisy raspberry. "Earth to Miss Parrish. Talk to me. What’s goin’ through your mind right now?" he asked.

With a sigh, Delilah took a seat in the chair across from his desk and crossed her legs in the roomy seat. Letting her eyes skim down the second page of the contract where the finances were detailed, she assessed, "It's a dream come true, Tank. The money's a lot better than I could have hoped, especially for developmental."

Tank nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I woulda killed for this kinda money when I first started out," he agreed, looking over the numbers in the contract. "Fifty-five thousand a year for a rookie, even before tax, ain’t no joke. And with multiple appearances a month on NXT? Not a bad gig, girl. Not bad at all."

"Well it better be, it was hard enough to entice Andre as it is," Delilah said, "The money’s good and all, but I care more about wrestling than anything else. And let’s be realistic. I could spend months, maybe years in the Performance Center before I’m ever let on NXT. It happened to the Rock’s daughter. Other star candidates, too. I’ll just focus on working my ass off until they deem me ready to go."

Tank scoffed at her attempts to downplay her worth. “I might be biased when I say this shit, but them girls can’t lace your boots,” he assured her. “And what’s this talk about enticing Andre? Is he still digging his feet in?” Though she had told him about nearly every fight she'd had with her fiancé since she first stepped through the doors of his gym, Tank had always done his best to keep his professional distance from her relationship. Delilah Parrish was the closest thing he had to a star, and all he was truly concerned about was making sure that she stayed focused and happy.

Blowing out a long breath, she crossed her arms over her legs and drew one knee up to her chest. "In his defense, I am asking him to change his entire life for me," she acknowledged, knowing that it was the only real argument she had. To be honest, she was yet to get a real answer out of Andre since they had started fighting over her dreams, and only left it alone because the fighting had subsided and he seemed to be legitimately putting in more effort for her. He worked out with her when his schedule allowed and accompanied her to a few of her matches. In exchange, she was putting in more effort with their wedding plans, hoping to maybe finally do the deed before the move. Right now, things between the couple were as stable as she could hope for.

Tank, like everyone else she had talked about the situation with, just shook his head. "You a team, right? Ain’t that what gettin’ married is?" When she rolled her eyes, he chuckled. "Yeah, that's why I never did it and never will. Honestly, though, Dee, I think you need to talk to him about it. Ask him, point blank, exactly what his issues are. See if you guys can work through them between now and when you move."

Maybe they could. But did she really want to start bringing up old dirt again now that there was some semblance of harmony between her and Andre? If anything, these days, the burden of their tension was shifted to her. Because two weeks had passed and she still had no answers. The realization was more powerful than ever. Her relationship with Andre had been forever changed by what she did with Josh and it was only a matter of time before Andre found out. And if, when, that happened, there would be no more fixing anything.

Especially not with her currently bookmarking the coordinates to a location just sent by said lover of hers, who was back in town and asking her to come over.

Delilah looked up from her phone, swallowing down the emotion climbing up her throat. "And if we can't work through them? What happens then?" she asked Tank.

Her voice was so fragile, like a little child, that he fought the urge to hug her and tell her it would all be okay. "You'll figure it out. Just know that I’ll be there for whatever you need regardless," was all he offered, fully aware that she was an adult and ultimately, her personal decisions were hers.

Delilah nodded, grateful for his mentorship yet eager to change the subject before she said something she regretted. "Thanks. So, now that I'm using a submission move as my finisher, I think I need more work on my core strength…" 

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“Oh my god, stop,” Delilah panted, her voice stuck somewhere between a giggle and a gasp as he dramatically peppered her face and neck with pecks and kisses, his big hands all over her naked body.

“Mmm, you make the prettiest sounds when you come for me, mama,” Josh murmured, caressing her breast, their little play fight quickly becoming more serious as he switched to slower, much more passionate kisses that had her moaning into his mouth, “So damn pretty, make me wanna go another round...”

Delilah cupped his face in her small hands, her thumbs smoothing over his beard as she forced him to focus on her words, “Babe, chill…I need to recover a bit. You’re a…lot…to take in.”

Josh grinned proudly. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” he said, rewarding her with one more long, charged kiss before tapping her ass and pulling out of her with a quiet groan. Delilah rolled onto her back and stretched out on the plushness of the sofa, watching him slide his briefs back on. The sunlight streaming from the window illuminated his tatted back muscles and toned legs, the scrumptiousness of them making her squeeze her thighs together from lust and seriously tempting her to drag him back onto the sofa and take up his offer for round two.

Slipping into his t-shirt, she followed him out of the conversation pit and to the kitchen island where he was pouring two glasses of Merlot. "This is a really nice place, Josh," she complimented, finally getting to look around since they had barely made it past the front door before they were all over each other like dogs in heat. "I like that there's not much furniture yet. Just the bare essentials but it gives the house a more open layout than it already is."

"Thanks, I love it," Josh answered, handing her a glass of wine as she perched on the stool next to him, his eyes on his iPad showing his backstage promo with Bron Breakker on YouTube. "I can just come in and chill when I get tired of Atlanta. A couple minutes’ drive to the beach, nice little pool outside and gym area. It’s the perfect escape, uce." He gave her a long look. “Shame you won’t be around these parts no more, though.”

Delilah laughed and kissed her teeth. “Not you talkin’ like you don’t got other reasons for coming to Pensacola. And I see me definitely coming back to visit every once in a while. My mama and sister are here. You got family here, too, right?”

“Yeah, but it ain’t the same.” It was a silly thing to say considering the fact that despite her being here with him right now, Delilah was still all about Andre. Josh knew that. Even when she was with him in Orlando, he had sensed that her fiancé was still very much on her mind. But he had to admit that deep down he was happy that Andre was being a giant asshole, that the dude clearly didn't know what he had in this beautiful woman who was going places, that she had ended up seeking comfort in his arms and still was. 

Moving on quickly so she couldn’t react to his statement, he reached into his open carry-on suitcase and pulled out a gift bag. “Oh, by the way, I got you something," he announced. Sliding the gift box labeled Swarovski over to her, he chuckled at the gasp she let out, a bewildered look on her face.

“What’s this?” she inquired, looking over at him with wide eyes.

"Just a lil' sumn to celebrate your brand new contract as a WWE Superstar. We co-workers now, girl," he said with a big smile, watching her loosen the ribbon from the box and remove the lid. Nestled in velvet was a simple diamond necklace with a matching bracelet and earrings, the stones gleaming with flawless clarity. His heart warmed at her facial expressions and her happy smile as she looked up at him.

“You didn’t have to do this. You’ve already helped me so much, Josh,” Delilah insisted, her voice thickening with emotion. “You’re the reason I got this contract, the reason I’m about to start living my dream. I can’t begin to tell you just how grateful I am for you.”

Josh felt a smile of his own touch his lips. “Nah, baby. You did that,” he replied tenderly. “You’re the one who made the decision to follow your dreams. I just…made a few suggestions, ain’t nothin’-”

He was silenced by Delilah flinging her arms around him, her body angling to face him as she tucked her face in the crook of his neck. In turn, his hand lowered down to her hip, holding her close as he brushed his lips over her temple. 

“I take it you like it?” he asked.

“I love it. Thank you,” she whispered back. She would figure out how to explain away the gift to Andre, but right now she was consumed with gratitude, and maybe something else for this wonderful gesture from a man who, despite the complication between them, had grown into one of her closest friends. 

Her phone buzzing from across the room interrupted their embrace. Her reluctance to unhand him for the few seconds it took to retrieve the device humored Josh as he watched her slide off the seat, his gaze fixated on the tantalizing sway of her hips and ass still visible through his shirt that was baggy on her.

Delilah winced as she found her phone face down on the floor by the couch, no doubt knocked off while they were knocking boots. She was relieved to see the screen wasn’t cracked and even more relieved to see that the notifications were only from her favorite wrestling gossip blog and nothing more serious or concerning.

Or so she thought.

Gossip Gworl Piping Hot Tea: Exclusive pics of Jey Uso and his (ex?) wife Tameka.

She should have cleared out the notification, knowing full well of the drama that was about to be unleashed. But her curiosity was too great. With jolted nerves, she unlocked her phone to read the article.

Several pictures, at least six in number, of Josh and another woman sitting cozily in some park. His wife, according to the comments. They were recent pics as well, just last week. Wearing sunglasses and a SnapBack backwards on his head, his arm was looped around her neck with their fingers linked together. Delilah’s heart raced faster, her fingers shaky as she scrolled through more pictures, of him and her sitting in a circle with whom she assumed were their sons…Of him kissing her cheek, a big grin on her face as she adjusted her sun hat...

It was a steep drop, the plummet of her stomach. A dull ache that materialized in her chest and only seemed to grow stronger with each breath she took. Yet somehow, with this suffocating myriad of emotions swelling inside her, she still managed to put one foot in front of the other, her numb legs steering her towards the kitchen in search of answers she already knew she wouldn’t like.

“You ready to eat, bae? I did my best makin’ this chili con carne so don't-” Josh turned around, startled to find her right in front of him with her phone in his face. 

“That’s your wife, right? The one you’re still separated and not divorced from?” Delilah questioned, her tone accusing. She watched his eyes frantically scan her phone, and his reaction told her everything she needed to know.

Josh sighed, reluctantly meeting her fiery glare. “Babe…We was at an event with our kids. We…we had to put up a united front…”

She smiled, the wry stretch of her full lips devoid of any humor. “Mm-hmm. That looks real united to me.” Stomping back over to the living room area, she stripped off his t-shirt and grabbed her clothes. “I gotta go,” she murmured.

“Baby…Dee, wait,” Josh trailed behind her, making one excuse or the other, but she tuned him out, focusing on getting dressed and packing her things and getting the fuck out of there. 

He wasn’t even to blame, not fully at least. This was on her. She had been so enamored with him and his aura, swept up in his sweet talk and his gestures and the dizzying sex that she had forgotten she was messing around with what was essentially a married man. This was the bitter dose of reality that she sorely needed, and she was grabbing onto it tightly with both hands.

Josh was still following her around like a lost puppy; he was starting to babble, his words tumbling over one another as he tried to plead his case. But she didn’t want to hear it. She couldn’t hear it. Swinging her backpack over her shoulder, she brushed past him only to be stopped by his hand catching her arm. “Delilah, look at me, please,” he implored, “Let me explain-”

Delilah shook her head, calmly extricating herself from his grasp. “There’s nothing to explain. I shouldn’t be here. I should never have been here, so I’m going home.” Her gaze fell on the gift box sitting abandoned on the countertop, and she felt like an even bigger fool. She pointed at it as she finally looked him in the face. “And that belongs to your wife. Not me.”

Ignoring the wounded look in his eyes, she made a beeline for the front door, fighting to shake off the burn of his eyes on her as she yanked the door open without another word and fled. Half-expecting him to come after her, she was ultimately grateful that he didn’t; the last thing she wanted was for him to see the anguish on her face.

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Later that evening, Delilah was curled up in the loveseat watching Andre, blissfully unaware of his fiancée’s turmoil as he threw his head back laughing at a Chris Rock special on TV. For the first time in ages, she looked at him, really looked at him. A huge ball of emotion swelled up in her throat, and she had to blink rapidly to keep her tears from spilling down her cheeks for the umpeenth time in just a couple of hours.

She couldn't lose him. She couldn't bear to lose the most stable relationship she had ever had in her life. She had fucked up badly, but he didn't know that, therefore there was still time to fix it.

"I love you," she blurted out.

Andre looked over at her, the confusion in his eyes quickly giving way to a tender smile. "I love you too, baby."

Delilah stood up and pulled her tank top over her head, exposing her breasts. Her shorts soon followed before she made her way over. She snatched the remote from his unsuspecting hands, tossing it somewhere. He looked even more confused now, but she straddled his body before he had time to react. Leaning down, she cupped his face and kissed him with all the purpose and passion she could muster. Her tongue invaded his mouth, catching him off guard. She had never kissed him like that; it was as if she was trying to devour him whole. Her fingernails raked across his bare, toned chest, causing him to wince a little, but she didn't stop. He moaned into her mouth as she rolled her ass against his covered crotch, maneuvering him so that they both fell across the couch with her on top. 

"I want you, Daddy. Touch me," she commanded, breathless.

It was more of an order than a request, one Andre eagerly obeyed by letting his hands roam over her bare breasts down to the silky material that barely covered her plump backside. Impatient, Delilah shoved her hand inside his pants, her grip firm on the long, hard erection that was aching to be inside her. Releasing it from its confines, she stroked him eagerly, lowering her mouth and spitting on the head.

"Whoa, Dee," Andre choked out in surprise, trying to catch his bearings. "This some OnlyFans shit you got goin’ on…"

Delilah ignored him as she continued her oral attack, sucking his dick from base to head and back down. It was a striking contrast between the tight seal of her lips and the pain of her teeth scraping his hard flesh that had him groaning and squirming from pleasure. A couple of minutes passed before she climbed back on top of him and slid his dick as deep inside her as possible. With her hands planted on his chest holding him down, she rode him wildly, their heavy breathing met only with the sound of the worn couch creaking beneath their writhing weights. Her eyes fluttered shut as Andre grabbed her hips and thrust harder inside her, her mouth falling open in a groan as he hit that one sweet spot that made her eyes water. She opened her eyes to look down at him, her heart lurching when instead another pair of eyes was staring back at her.

“No,” she hissed, burying her face in Andre's neck as she bounced on him with increasing desperation, trying to focus on the man groaning underneath her. She grabbed his hand from her breast and guided it down between her legs, making his fingers work her clit like Josh would do. His face haunted her, the memory of him hunting her down until all she could do was let the pleasure consume her as she climaxed hard. Underneath her, Andre’s body jerked as he emptied into her with a strangled moan, his warm seed splashing deep inside her walls. Delilah shivered as her pussy clenched and unclenched, making a mess between them as they drained each other to the last drop. When it was over, she collapsed on his torso, briefly disoriented from the sheer strength of her orgasm.

"Dre…"

Andre ran his hands along her back and kissed the top of her head, weaving his fingers through her hair. "Damn, baby. We been fucking so good lately, so spontaneous. I love it," he lauded her with a kiss on her lips.

Delilah rolled off of him and stared blankly at the ceiling. Now what? This was supposed to fix everything. This was supposed to bring them back to normal. Supposed to erase what she had done with Josh. But nothing had changed. Nothing was different. Everything was very much still the same. And all that was left was a painfully gnawing feeling she was now convinced would never go away.

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Things just took a sharp turn. Thoughts?

I love likes but I love comments more 😉

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[nrdmssgs]

Prazdnik (part 2)

Masterlist Pairing: Nikto x reader Fluff AN: @sofasoap @keegansshark @yaboidante2711 @ella-bella-ella this wasn't the original plan, but because of you this guy got his kiss. Summary: this happens a few months after the first part.

Nikto lets out a thin whiff of cigarette smoke, that dissolves in crisp air. He is tired by this point. Every time he tries to think of anything, but her - the world finds its ways to remind him. Even now, when he looks up in the dimly lit sky - the curved streaks of clouds remind him of x-rays of her lungs with the subtle curves of ribs. Usually, soldiers got shot, broke their limbs or survived a shell shock, but she just had to be original and to spoil his life in a unique way - she ended up in a medbay with a pneumonia.

He tried to end this all for good, he ignored her, hid away, even tried to start a fight once - nothing helped. At the end of the day he always found himself somewhere around her: quietly hanging out, helping her or letting her help him. Nikto wasn't blind - he saw the way she looked at him. And what was even worse - he secretly started enjoying a feeling of being needed. But there was no way, he could let whatever them two had grow. His 'Prazdnik' ended the minute he stepped out of your room, and should never be repeated. Not at the cost of her frightened eyes, her forever disturbed sleep, her disgust the minute she sees him without a mask.

Time to time Nikto thinks about that touch that almost happened. He was never an innocent one, and he gladly does so many unhinged, unfair, dirty things to women, who are ok with never seeing his face and not being able to meet him again after the deed is done. But when it comes to her - Nikto doesn't want all those sins, that he usually indulges himself in. He craves not even a real kiss - just a touch of her lips against his skin would be enough. It would be ok if she chooses to not even move, not caress him. Just let him feel that warmth, he almost felt.

He frowns at this thought and takes another deep drag. The base is almost empty, except an emergency group, soldiers at medbay, a few office workers and superiors. So Nikto immediately recognizes tall figure moving from barracks to where he is standing.

"Vot tol`ko kalanchi mne seychas ne hvatalo...*" Nikto mutters frustrated and checks if there is any place he could walk away fast enough and seem preoccupied at the same time. But not being able to find any direction, in which he could retreat, he faces the Colonel, hoping, he would keep it short and simple, as usual.

"You staying for the holidays?" Colonels voice is low, he doesn't even hold back his German accent - a rare sign, that the man is exhausted.

"Have some unfinished business." Nikto tries to be as vague as possible, hoping, that it will drain Colonels social battery, and he leaves him alone.

But his commander is in no hurry to leave and hands him some paper. Nikto asks if it's a new contract, but Colonel shakes his hand. "This is for the unfinished business."

He leaves Nikto alone and confused, not wanting to hear his angry rants about how he doesnt need whatever assistance Colonel can provide. Nikto is awful when it comes to gift receiving, everybody in the KorTac knows it.

***

She wakes up with a loud cough in the middle of the night and Nikto immediately pulls her up, so she can sit on the bed straight. Clearing her throat, she reaches for the bedside lamp, but Nikto catches her hand.

"It's just me, don't bother." He pushes her hand back gently, wanting the room to remain dark.

"Andre? How did you?... Why are you here?" She barely breathes after hard coughing, but already dumps him with questions.

Nikto turns away and chuckles quietly. To tell the truth, he doesn't even know what the hell he needs in her hospital room.

"König tinkered me a pass. I thought, it would be a pity to leave you here all alone on the New Year." He lies: he doesn't give a damn about New Year or any other holiday really. Nikto just can't really be else where, when she is like that. He's been restless from the first day of her illness.

A part of him wants to get as close as it is possible, to stay by her side, until she heals fully and even after that. But there are voices appearing, growing louder with every hour. "Run away, run as far as you can, before you grow too soft and traumatize her, you moron!" Nikto is trapped between wanting to leave and needing to stay. So when she pats his shoulder and asks to not worry about her and go celebrate, he comes back to his senses and snaps back at her, 'we are staying!'

By the way her hand darts away from him Nikto understands, that he crossed the line. She is sick, obviously has fever, struggles to breathe normally, and on the top of that comes he with his freakery. He clasps his hands together, so that he doesn't reach back to her and looks down.

"Sorry. We... give me a minute, I'll collect myself." As he speaks - he hears her moving to the opposite side of the small bed. Distant chatter and laughter reach them two through the closed door and Nikto understands, that even medbay staff is celebrating. But the only sound, he now truly cares for is a shuffle of her bedsheets. He scared her off, she now doesn't even feel safe in one room with him. Bloody idiot.

"Come sit here." She touches an empty space besides her. Nikto hesitates for some time, but then surrenders and sits on her bed, making sure, he doesn't squish her accidentally.

"Maybe it's fever, maybe I'm just tired to the end of the year, I don't even care really. I just want to be honest, ok?" She rises from her pillow and leans against his shoulder. He freezes, but then forces himself to nod.

"Good..." She sighs and continues. "Look, I know, I screwed up that 'Prazdnik', I organized. I thought, I just wanted to thank you for everything, but understood too late, I wanted something other. And although I'll never get it - it's ok. I will stop pushing you, annoying you, even talking to you if it helps. But... just today, just for this one night, can we just pretend, I didn't do anything weird on that evening? I really need it."

The moment, when Nikto wants to remind her, she really did nothing weird, and they don't have to pretend, she starts coughing once again. So he brings her closer, letting her practically curl up on his chest. A cough runs in spasms throughout her entire body and Nikto softly strokes her back, repeating 'Nothing weird. You did nothing wrong'. But his mask muffles his voice, and that combined with her coughing makes it impossible for her to hear him. So he leans back on her pillow, softly guides her to lay down on his shoulder, and, praying for it to remain this dark in her room, slowly removes his mask. She doesn't make it hard for him and doesn't turn her face up - just lies obediently, being thankful for this little crack of softness in his cold demeanor, that he shows her.

"I said, you didn't do anything wrong. You just did it all to the wrong guy. All those treats, that improvised desk, I still regret I haven't taken photo of... That silly 'TV', even that branch - it all was so touching. It felt like a real holiday." She doesn't move while listening to Nikto, but he still holds a hand on her head, just in case. Without thinking, he starts playing with her hair. "But you need to do it all for someone real, someone not split into so many pieces, someone, who is more than... well, you know."

She shakes her head and Nikto feels her hand clasping to his side. This half an embrace makes him hold his breath. Something deep inside him shudders and cracks.

"Someone more than you?" She tries to end his phrase, but it is his turn to shake his head.

"Someone more than just remains of a human."

It hurts to stop hiding and say her the truth, but at the same time it feels right. His holiday is over, his celebration is never to come. And Nikto doesn't care anymore - at least he got this minutes, when she held him, before she banishes him for good. Despite all his expectations, she does not push him away.

“I wanted to celebrate the New Year for real. I was going to invite you to my place. Not to my room at the base - but to my home. I know you wouldn’t have come. But I still wanted to invite you. And then this pneumonia...” She coughs again and Nikto strokes her shoulders to make it better. When she finally can breathe again more or less properly, he asks, how would they celebrate if he came.

"Oh, this time I'd make sure, you die of cringe... I'd try to come up with a new recipe and fail ultimately, I'd make you make the 'president speech' this time." She pauses, hearing Niktos raspy low chuckle.

"No, that never happens, you little trouble. I'm not participating in this part of your fantasies."

"Ok-ok, jeez, Andre, I never said, I'd try to force you anyway. I would always ask you. Ask if you can make the speech, ask if you are willing to help me with food, ask if I can... never mind, my message here is maybe you feel broken, torn in pieces. You have every right to feel so..." Nikto is so struck by her sudden change of tone, he doesn't even realize, that her fingers trace lines up his chest and pause over his face, as she continues speaking. "All these pieces, remains, fragments, that call themselves 'Nobody' - they are precious, they are to be treated like human, to be treated with care and love."

He breathes in, trying to find any words for her, but all the words, all the voices, are mixed up in a deafening white noise. So he takes another breath, and another. But nothing changes: no clear words, no thoughts, as if he - not she was on the verge of deliriousness now. Nikto takes her hand and guides it to cover his eyes, not even thinking, she might feel, how ugly his face is. He only wishes for this sensory and emotional overdrive to stop.

And she helps him. Pressing her lips against his, crushing his fears with feather-like touches. Her skin is burning hot, her hands travel from his eyes to cup his cheeks, but Nikto doesn't care right now. Just one more moment of her being this close, one more second of him carefully holding her, one more sigh tickling his skin. He answers to her kiss. Hesitantly, because with all the violence, he holds for his work - Nikto has no violence for her. And kissing her back feels like torturing this treasure of his. He must thank her - not claim. But that self-restrain is strapping his throat with a red-hot collar, smothering him.

Fuck it. A single voice in his head. Loud and clear.

And Nikto lets go. His tongue brushes against her slightly parted lips and he deepens the kiss. He is surprisingly slow, careful, attentive. He is ready to back away at any moment, should she wish to stop. But she doesnt, and his fingers dive into her hair, cupping her head, guiding her so close, that he feels, they share one breath.

When she leans back just slightly - he immediately lets her go, holding his breath and trying to calm rushing heart. Even now he is ready for her to have second thoughts. But she smiles shyly and places a kiss on his burnt cheek.

"Sorry, I must taste like meds." Hearing her whisper he finally starts breathing.

"You taste like 'prazdnik*'. My very own holiday." He stares at the ceiling, not believing, it really happens. While his prazdnik covers his disfigured face with soft touches.

"Vot tol`ko kalanchi mne seychas ne hvatalo...*" - The beanpole... just what I needed

Prazdnik - holyday, celebration

[anthurak]

So as something of a followup/offshoot of my theory on the Goetia Trial and the end of Season 2 (and Stolitz), here is a little idea that I imagine a number of people are really not going to like, but which personally I think could be REALLY fun.

See, regardless of what the trial involves, I think it’s safe to assume that Andrealphus attacking Stolas and Blitzo here specifically comes afterwards, and is a direct result of his plans failing. Because even in just this one shot, I feel like Andrealphus is SUPER giving vibes of ‘villain who has just had their devious and complicated schemes foiled and also possibly been humiliated by the heroes and is now out for petty revenge/murder’.

Adding on to this, and this post I did on this shot, I imagine Andrealphus is going to be killed by whoever comes in to rescue Stolas and Blitzo, be it Octavia, Loona, Vassago, the rest of I.M.P. or all of the above. Personally I like the idea of Stolas and Blitzo being saved by Vassago, who proceeds to square up to fight Andrealphus who in turn is launching into a big, unhinged villainous rant… only for Andre to get headshotted by Moxxie with the Blessed Carbine he swiped from Striker back in Season 1.

Now here’s the thing: In my big theory post, I briefly commented on the possibility of Stella also being along to kill Stolas herself, despite not being seen in the clip.

So what if it really is JUST Andrealphus showing up to kill Stolas and Stella just stays home?

It certainly wouldn’t be out of character for her. Despite her vehement hatred for Stolas and desire to see him dead, Stella has NEVER showed the inclination to actually do the deed herself, seemingly out of laziness more than anything else. So if Andrealphus decided to go kill Stolas himself after their plans for foiled, I’d say it would be perfectly in-character for Stella to essentially go ‘Oh good, I don’t even need to hire that smelly cowboy again. Could you bring me his head back, brother?’

Actually, speaking of the overrated edgelord, imagine if Striker was used as a ‘bait and switch boss’? Like it turns out Stella does hire him again and he shows up in dramatic fashion to attack Stolas and Blitzo… only to be metaphorically or literally squashed like a bug by Andrealphus who came to do the deed himself. I just think that would be REALLY funny. Particularly the fan reaction XD

But back to Stella, I think it’s entirely in-character for her to sit out any attempt to kill Stolas directly, or anything that requires her to actually DO anything. With probably the last we see of Stella being a scene of her and Andrealphus arguing about the failure of the latter’s plan, which ends with Andrealphus going off to kill Stolas himself.

At least until the end credits of the episode and/or season, wherein we get a scene of Stella lounging in her brother’s palace, and is informed of the ‘tragic’ death of her brother. As well as being informed that, due to laws of Goetia inheritance, all of his wealth, status and power will passed to his closest living blood relative.

As in; his SISTER.

Cue Stella giving a small, satisfied ‘just as planned’ smirk.

For all that people hate her, I personally think Stella would make a great and FUN recurring villain for the show XD

[princess-of-the-corner]

Hotel!Amok au: the amok is in the hotel itself, but the deed (and its attachments) are basically Chloé's computer codes. Her and Felix get ahold of it (easily since Andre has it in the family safe & she knows the codes), get someone (maybe Ariel? That one lawyer lady?) To look it over and they shove in as many loopholes as they can until they figure out how to secure her amok

ha! Beautiful.

[dragonfirerogue-writes]

Can't Keep My Eyes Off You

Jade x FtM!Reader

For @zoomdeathknight

You were sitting at the Asphalt Cafe, waiting for your sisters to arrive to get their food. Trina messaged you while you were working out, practically demanding Thai food. While you weren't one to give into Trina easily, you still loved her and would try to do nice things for both her and Tori. So you agreed, getting Tori's order as well. At least you had time to shower beforehand this time.

Students began to file out to the courtyard around you. You take a quick glance around to try and find Trina but then figure that you would hear her before you saw her. As you glance down at your phone, you miss the amount of eyes starting to stare at you. The whispers, however, reached your ears.

"Who is that?"

"I dunno, but daaaamnnmn...."

"Who's the lucky bitch he's waiting for?"

"His hair looks so soft..."

"Look at his muscles..."

The mutterings made you a little self conscious about being here. Your hand runs through your split blonde/black hair, unintentionally flexing and causing several girls to swoon.

"C'mon, Trina," you mumble. "Get out here already..."

As if on cue, Trina's booming voice echoes around the outdoor cafe.

"Finally! My love has arrived!"

People are absolutely baffled as the older Vega sister runs towards you, only to slap their foreheads when she goes straight for the take-out bags.

"Pad Thai, you never disappoint." She says as she essentially cradles the box of noodles. You just deadpan at her with a wave.

"Hi. Brother here. You know, the one who brought your food?"

Trina ignores you and walks away.

"... You're welcome!?"

A pat on your shoulder draws your incredulous glare away from Trina to the sympathetic smile of Tori.

"I, for one, appreciate you going outta your way. Thanks, Y/N." She gives you a hug before reaching for her own food. "Oooh! Rangoons!"

"At least my good deed is appreciated." You share a laugh with Tori as her friends begin to join you at the table.

"Whoa, you got Thai food and you're not sharing?" Andre asked as soon as he sat down.

"Blame Trina. I just took advantage."

"And I had the free time."

"Oh, hey dude. I'm Andre." He stuck his hand out, allowing you to take and shake it.

"Yo. I'm Y/N, The Vega adopted child."

Robbie pops up then, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Wait, since when?"

"Yeah, why would you subject yourself to living with Trina?" Said Rex.

You take a moment to register that a PUPPET just spoke. Before you could answer, the rest of your sister's friends arrive.

"Who's the beefcake?"

Your eyebrows furrow as you turn to look at the person who, in tone, sounded like they insulted you. However, as soon as your eyes meet ocean ones, all of your annoyance melts away. While the rest of the group chatters away, you and the infamous Jade begin a staring contest.

She sits down, eyes never leaving yours. In your peripheral, you can see a small smirk forming on her lips. It causes one to spring from your own. Eventually, her eyes move, analyzing and appraising your whole form. Your body burns from the focus, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. At least until another person literally pulls you away.

"Ohmigod, you're so hot. What's your name? Can I touch your hair? Flex for me pleaseeeee"

The barrage of questions from the random girl caught you extremely off guard. You weren't even allowed to answer as more and more girls begin to surround you.

"How are you so real?"

"Is everything about you this buff?"

"God, you're even hotter than Beck."

You barely register the incredulous sputtering from somewhere behind you. Tori's voice is getting lost in the girlish chatter as she tries to get to you. Your anxiety was going through the roof. It wasn't until a booming voice pierced through the rumpus.

"ALRIGHT BACK IT UP, YA VULTURES!"

Jade almost literally cuts through the group of girls surrounding you, brandishing her signature scissors. She maneuvers the gaggle until they are in front of her, keeping you behind her with Tori comforting you.

"While we can all agree that Y/N is hot, that doesn't mean you can bombard him with stupid questions and be all..." She waves her hand. "Handsy with him."

Rooted in your spot, you stare at the goth defending you. What little femininity you retained after taking hormones start to bubble with the girlish whimsy of being the damsel in distress, now saved. Jade was holding her own against the pack, but it seemed like you would need to step in to get rid of them for good. You snap out of your stupor and wait for an opportunity.

"Why do you even care, Jade? You don't have a claim on him like you did with Beck."

Bingo.

You take a step forward, being cautious to be close to Jade, but not touching her. You've heard the stories Tori told you. Putting on your best smirk, you address the mob.

"Who says she doesn't have a claim on me?"

Everyone gawked at you. It unnerved you a bit, but you held strong, refusing to crack. You shrug, sitting back down on the bench behind you, bracing your elbows in the table against your back.

"I mean, the hottest guy needs to have the hottest girl, right?" You inwardly cringe at the words, but you'll beat yourself for it up later. Jade, being the smart actress she was, caught on and sheathed her scissors to perch herself into your lap, crossing her legs as she gently plays with the hairs at the nape of your neck. A shiver runs down your spine at the touch.

"You heard him. He's been claimed. Go be ganks somewhere else."

The bravest of the girl stepped forward with a stomp of her foot.

"No way! I don't believe it. There's no possible way he's with a creep like you!"

"No? Well then."

The next sequence of actions played in your mind like a slideshow. Hands on either side of your face. Said hands turning your face towards a beautiful girl. Lips of said girl suddenly on yours.

While the entire situation was a surprise, you reacted on instinct. You tilt your head slightly to deepen the kiss as your hands pull at Jade's waist. It lasts even after the gaggle of girls walk away dejectedly. It wasn't until an awkward cough did you and Jade part ways.

"So... That worked to get them away..." Andre awkwardly said. He was actively not looking towards you and Jade. She was still on your lap, now with her arms around your neck.

"Great. Now I don't have to watch my brother make out with Jade." Tori mentions with a shudder.

"I dunno, Vega," Jade pipes up with a smirk. "You may end up seeing it more often."

Tori just groans and flops on the table, causing you to laugh at her antics. Before you could apologize to your sister, your attention is forced to the goth on your lap.

"How about we get to know each other a little better? Maybe somewhere more private."

With a grin, you just pick up the girl on your lap and start making your way to your car.

"See you later, Tori. Love you!"

You and Jade let out a cackle as you leave the group behind. Tori just hopes that they won't be insufferable. She knows that there's already going to be chaos when Trina finds out.

[yousaydisco]

Idea (that I'm almost certainly never going to write):

so a Modern AU focused on all the kids as they play an MMORPG together. Some sort of pastiche on World of Warcraft only because that's what I played obsessively as a kid.

Cuno and Cunoesse are on together 90% of the time and they love to troll the message boards, harass newbies, probably partake in a lot of PVP and overall are just huge menaces. No interest in the lore, not really doing any quests, but they're having fun.

Annette also plays and she is VERY much into the lore. She has a relatively high-level warrior-type character, a strong woman, and when she plays she's hardcore in character. Full roleplayer. Her character is the type to slay the dragon and not accept a reward for it, because the safety of the village is its own reward, probably goes out of her way to not get rewarded for her good deeds so she can have a 'struggling for resources' angle to her character that adds a nice challenge to everything.

Remember when I said that Cuno has no interest in lore? HAH! I lied. He has a SECRET CHARACTER that Cunoesse doesn't know about and he only logs in after she thinks he's done playing for the night, and he doesn't so much as play this character but rather just. kind of. virtually stalks Annette's character. Being anonymous is supposed to make you less shy about things but not for him, since I think he's intimidated by how much of the game she knows really intimately and how seriously she takes it so he doesn't want to have an interaction that is Out Of Character and then would make her not like him. If he logs on to this character and she's not playing then he will grind for a bit just to wait but then ultimately leave, but if she is playing then he slyly is there in the background as she goes through her story + all the daily quests. Somehow this character is a higher level than the one he plays with Cunoesse.

Mikael might be too young to play the game, or maybe Trant just thinks he is, but is probably interested in it. If he does play then I think he's real big on the quests - accepting them all and doing them one after the other.

Andre is the guild master with Egg Head, Noid, and Acele and they're the type to spend all night tackling the difficult dungeons or going on raids. They are extremely high-level with the most insane loot, and I think Noid probably has been banned a few times for suspicions of cheating/accessing remote areas players aren't supposed to/messing with their money and items in a way to benefit the entire guild. Somehow Noid is always able to make a new character and quickly rise through the ranks again.

[nitrateglow]

Spooky Season 2024: 2-5

Mystery of the Wax Museum (dir. Michael Curtiz, 1933)

Bodies are disappearing from the morgue and it's up to lady reporter Florence Dempsey (Glenda Farrell) to crack the case! Her investigation leads her to a new wax exhibit, opened by artist Ivan Igor (Lionel Atwill). She notices that some of the figures on display resemble the missing corpses. And soon, Igor is eyeing up Florence's beautiful roommate Charlotte (Fay Wray), who happens to resemble a wax Marie Antoinette he lost in a fire long ago...

Mystery of the Wax Museum is overshadowed by its '50s remake, House of Wax, but the two films are distinct enough to be enjoyed on their own terms, even if I do think the later version is stronger. Mystery is set in the (then) present and has a pulpy detective feel to it. The characters make wisecracks and dirty jokes-- very typical of the pre-code era. There are even allusions to other horror movies of the time, like Frankenstein.

What strikes most viewers about the film today is its use of two-strip Technicolor, a color process that captured images with green and red dyes. The result is a muted but not unpleasant color range. I often associate this process with late-era silent films like The Black Pirate, which have a watercolor illustration look to them. Here, the colors are somehow both muted and a touch garish, suiting the pulpy tone of the story well.

House of Wax (dir. Andre de Toth, 1953)

It's the Gay Nineties in New York City, but nastiness is running amok. Wax sculptor Henry Jarrod (Vincent Price) is hoping to secure lucrative patronage for his beautiful but failing museum, but his impatient business partner burns the place down with Jarrod inside, intent on collecting the insurance money. However, Jarrod survives, reappearing injured but alive over a year later. He opens a new exhibit, this one focused on the cruelty of humanity rather than its beauty. At the same time, corpses start disappearing from the city morgue... and many of the wax exhibits resemble the deceased!

What an enjoyable movie! House of Wax is great, unpretentious old-school horror at its most crowdpleasing. The story is packed with skillful suspense and just the right amount of campy humor-- enough to keep things fun, but not enough to deflate the threat of the villains.

This is a rare remake that improves upon its predecessor. As entertaining as Mystery is, it lacks the remake's tighter, more focused script and more memorable characters of this version. And of course, this movie has Vincent Price in the role that made him the horror icon he remains today.

I forgot how great a villain Jarrod is, a disturbed but poignant figure. He's so charming that part of you kind of wants him to get away with his nefarious deeds. That first sequence where he speaks to the figures like old friends does such a great job making your sympathy for him linger on just a bit, even after he starts killing people.

I don't want to forget Phyllis Kirk as the heroine Sue Allen though. Kirk's character is smart and persevering. While not the wisecracker Glenda Farrell's reporter was in the original, she has her own sweet charm and quiet resolve that make her very endearing.

Frankenstein (dir. J. Searle Dawley, 1910)

This twelve-minute silent film is the earliest cinematic adaptation of Mary Shelley's classic novel. Like all the other movie Frankensteins, it has little to do with the book whatsoever.

The film has a lot of interesting elements to it despite the limitations of the one-reeler format. The director plays up the psychological duality of Frankenstein and his creation, and the use of mirrors throughout is clever, both in extending the stagey spaces we see onscreen and highlighting the aforementioned duality.

Also the creation scene is AWESOME. If I remember correctly, they set a dummy on fire, then played the footage in reverse, making it appear as though the creature were emerging from the Promethean fire. A super old-school effect, but a cool one!

Cape Fear (dir. J. Lee Thompson, 1962)

Attorney Sam Bowden (Gregory Peck) is stalked by Max Cady (Robert Mitchum), a rapist he helped put away eight years ago. Now free, Cady is set on avenging himself by targeting Bowden's wife and teenage daughter. Cady initially wages psychological warfare, the kind that cannot get him charged for any crime. Terrified for his family, Bowden and his wife conspire to set a trap for the ex-con, but will Cady bite? And if he does, will they survive?

I hadn't seen this film in a while, so I forgot how intense it is! You can definitely tell this was influenced by Hitchcock's brand of thriller filmmaking, though it does lack Hitch's dark humor. Still, there is a lot going on here beyond mere suspense. Gregory Peck isn't just playing yet another noble father figure-- he's increasingly willing to play dirty to protect his loved ones. The ending even has him echoing Cady's desire for sadistic revenge.

Mitchum is certainly best in show here. Cady is one of the great movie villains, boasting a potent blend of intelligence and savagery that makes him feel genuinely threatening. That scene with him attacking Polly Bergen on the boat never fails to give me chills. It goes to show you don't need explicit violence to keep an audience suspended in dread.

As enjoyable as the Scorsese remake is, this one is far more sinister to me. The setting feels more grounded and the stark black-and-white cinematography gives the story a southern gothic vibe. It would make a great double feature with another gothic Mitchum movie, The Night of the Hunter.

[thecoolcatstuff]

Its crazy how the storytelling tries to push they "always cared about sentimonsters" and "sentimonster life matters" now that its confirmed that Adrien is a sentimonster, when in previous seasons its so obvious they couldnt care less.

Even the most blatant and overrused argument show defenders use to justify that "sentimonster life always mattered", which is Sentibug's death in "Ladybug", is nothing but pure bs. Mayura killed off sentibug in front of the heroes only for the sake of the dramatic shock, and it held nowhere the same weight it would if a actual human was killed.

Yeah they were upset and angry about Sentibug disappearing, but for what 5 seconds? When the deed was done, noone actually gave a shit. No tears spilled. No funeral. No trauma or disconfort, even though supposedly someone was murdered right in front of them. They just fist bumped and carried on with their lives, the lasting effect not greater than if Mayura had kicked a puppy in front of them.

You cant tell me if someone human like Mr Damocles or Andre were the ones getting killed there they would have behaved the same way they did with Sentibug. They should be grieving. They should be looking for therapy. They should despise Mayura to the last of her bones, even more than Hawkmoth who had a bodycount of 0 (thanks to the miraculous cure)

But they didnt. Why? Because the show narrative always supported that Sentibeings were less than human. They are not worth your trauma, not worth your grief. They are like a lovable character in a book you are reading that dies, and you are "SAD!" and move on with your life right after.

So no Astruc, you cant come to twitter and say Sentimonsters are like human beings. You cant start writing how much sentimonsters can be humans and sentient and how everyone in the show cares so much about them, and how okay it is to be one. Because everything that was written in the last 3 years supports otherwise.

[k7l4d4]

K Reviews and Rants: Miraculous Ladybug Season 5! Episode 22

Alright, now onto the episode where we are supposed to sympathize with Andre! Emphasis on "supposed to."

There are several things I could focus on with this episode. I could call attention to the show arbitrarily trying to have Caline attempt to reach out to Chloe only to get her gesture slapped away, despite the prior episode having her "realize there isn't any good in her" at the end. We could focus on how Gabe is once more being painted as sympathetic, alongside Nathalie, because of videos from Emilie, despite the fact that they've known about those videos all this time and knowingly chose to go against her wishes anyway, even though they had known for YEARS that she was going to die. There is a lot I could focus on.

But no, what I'm going to focus on is the episode trying to depict Andre as sympathetic and honestly failing. This episode tries to double-down on the idea that Andre secretly isn't a bad guy... but that's wrong. No matter how pushy or bratty his daughter and wife might be, Andre is a grown man, one that has basically been mayor longer then the majority of the cast has been alive, with his wife spending ninety percent of her time overseas, long enough that she had a kid with someone else (not that the series ever acknowledges this!!).

This episode tries to frame Andre as having no choice but to obey Chloe's whims... and anyone, and I do mean ANYONE, who has kids should know that that is a load of horse shit. Andre goes out of his way in this episode to downplay or ignore his actions, and treats his running away from the consequences of his own actions as some noble deed, rather then cowardice. His claims that "City Hall is no longer for sale" is a farce; by abandoning his position, he is, if anything, making it MORE vulnerable because there is no guarantee that whoever replaces him won't be able to be manipulated, and he's leaving all the damage he inflicted on the city over the course of his tenure in place. The man is a coward, and a social parasite of the highest order.

Beyond that, I think it's time to get onto the review. There is too much to go over and too little that I can use to accurately express my frustration. I hope you aren't disappointed, but please mind the profanity.

Episode 22: Collusion

Alright, we open with Gabe monologuing to his wife, once again ignoring how he's going against her wishes for his own selfish inability to let go and move the fuck on with his life, WHY DO WE KEEP DOING THIS SHIT!?!? Also, he mentions something about a cycle. Now, if this were a better written story, this might hint towards there being some kind of time loop going on, or what have you... but it's not, and I've got no fucking clue what this asshole means.

Considering we literally had it revealed this Season that Emilie explicitly DID NOT WANT HIM to pursue the Miraculouses in her name, him saying he swore in her name that he would reunite them feels disgusting on multiple levels. He is explicitly using her as justification for his own obsession, with no regard for the harm he's caused his son in the process. Get bent, asshole.

And now we get Nathalie watching the videos from Emilie who is trying to justify Gabe's actions by how he just gets too focused on his goals and that he's doing it all to make his wife happy, all while ignoring how this season has literally shown Gabe ignoring his son's happiness on every level and trying to dictate his life. You can't try and paint a man as being haunted by his actions and driven beyond belief in the sake of those he cares about while ALSO having him act as a direct and deliberate obstacle towards the happiness of his only child!! Also, Nathalie is far too late to start giving a shit about Gabe's actions, especially as she's refusing to bite the bullet and just TELL THE POLICE WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME. Seriously, STOP TRYING TO FUCKING PORTRAY NATHALIE AS SOME KIND OF MOTHER FIGURE FOR ADRIEN!! SHE HAS STOOD BY AND ENABLED ALL OF GABE'S BULLSHIT ALL THIS TIME!! THEY HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THESE VIDEOS ALL THIS TIME SO ALL HER WATCHING THEM IS DOING IS HER THROWING A FUCKING PITY PARTY FOR HERSELF!!! GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!

Now we get a montage of Adrien and Marinette spending their morning together through a video call. If it's meant to be sweet or cute, it's kinda undermined by the fact that being that fixated on your phone, up to the point of dragging it with you while you are brushing your teeth, is NOT healthy. Oh, and then we get Adrien walking into his kitchen where Gabe asks him if he's told Marinette about him moving to London... and for all that's good and decent in this world, I cannot fucking get WHY THE IDEA OF A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T OCCUR TO THEM. Seriously, they are literally showing off one of the premiere methods of making a long-distance relationship work, VIDEO CALLS!!! It would honestly be more impactful to focus on how him moving to London would impact his abilities to be a superhero, or how it means he won't be able to hang out with his friends like Nino and the rest anymore, not just fixating on why it's all about him and Marinette!!

"I'm doing this for your happiness," he says as if he hasn't literally threatened his son's girlfriend into breaking things off with him and dictates who his son can and can't hang out with. Nathalie offers a token effort of sticking up for Adrien, which I'm ignoring because again TOO FUCKING LATE BITCH. And STOP WITH THE FUCKING PANCAKE METAPHOR!!! IT DIDN'T WORK TO START WITH AND IT JUST SOUNDS STUPID!!!

One thing that kind of baffles me is why Adrien or Plagg think Adrien going to London is something he can refuse. Abusive asshole or not, Gabe is his guardian; if he decides to move Adrien to London, there's nothing he can do to prevent it short of running away. Aaannnddd we get a sappy comment about how him and Marinette will last forever, no matter what. HA!! HAHAH!!! No. Not even gonna pretend to take that seriously, it's too dumb. Also, really dumb thing; Adrien was STILL ON HIS VIDEO CALL when he walked into breakfast, and I didn't see him turn it off before Gabe dropped his bomb, so that should've honestly revealed at least SOMETHING of what is going on to Marinette, yet she doesn't seem to know. Let's see if that changes. And multiple failed attempts at a kiss in a row and I'm gagging; this is dumb. This isn't cute. This is just obnoxious.

WHY THE FUCK ARE THEIR CLASSMATES STILL FIXATED ON THIS!? THEY ARE TOGETHER, MISSION SOLVED, GET OVER IT AND GET TO CLASS!!! THEY AREN'T A LIVING SOAP OPERA FOR YOU TO GAWK AT!!! Rose... sweet, innocent Rose... FUCK OFF. Do NOT DEMAND SOMEONE KISS IN FRONT OF YOU!! THERE IS SO MUCH FUCKING WRONG WITH THAT I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO GET INTO WHY THAT IS WRONG!!! GET A THERAPIST GIRL!!! Also, shut up about the "will seal the eternal love" BS; that isn't how love works, that is not how ANY healthy and lasting relationship works, and you are fucking old enough to know this by now, who the fuck am I kidding, this is the girl who honestly wanted to be a hairstylist for mythological animals!!! I'm honestly half-expecting the reason for this scene is meant to be one of Astruc's terrible attempts to be "in on the joke" by "signaling" to viewers that he fully gets how annoying dragging out the kiss is, but trying to reassure them it's for a good cause. Too bad it's condescending as hell!!

Yeah, the way that Rose is talking really feels like this is badly done meta-commentary, given her gushing about Adrien and Marinette being the "Cutest sweethearts ever" that they've been "waiting forever for." It just plain DOES NOT WORK, because an actual group of people openly and deliberately shipping two people they actually know like that is uncomfortable as hell, and it's the kind of thing that kills a ship for me (there's a reason I don't like Molly x Ollie for TGAMM).

"We're just waiting for the right time!" No, you really aren't seeing as how the two of you literally both tried to kiss each other twice already only to stop when you saw the other person was trying to initiate it. That isn't "waiting for the right time" that's "pussyfooting around something you are well past the point of being able to just fucking DO by now!!"

Now they are doing the stereotypical "no you are" thing. Not cute, that's annoying as fuck. Also, them openly calling each other perfect is disgusting to me, considering how much this series itself has emphasized the toxicity of "perfect" as a concept. Them acting like lovestruck idiots gushing about how "perfect" the other is comes off as a red flag to me, not something sweet and/or entertaining. Even their classmates are fucking sick of it. Once again the show proves it can't do self-awareness to save its life.

Now we are in the classroom and Sabrina is apparently officially "good now," since she chooses to sit next to Nathaniel instead of Chloe. I'm honestly surprised Chloe didn't try and yell at her or anything and just sighed in exasperation. How long before this show makes things worse? And we get the grade-school insults upon seeing Adrien and Marinette, only this time she's focusing on Adrien. They really are committed to having her burn down every possible bridge they can.

Also, the way they are having Marinette confront Chloe by talking about how she was able to get rid of Lila, how she had to leave because of all her lies, while gripping Chloe's desk and looming over her... just the positioning and the way she's talking makes HER come across as the bully. Seriously, there is NO WAY TO MAKE HAVING YOUR PROTAGONIST THREATEN TO DO ALL SHE CAN TO GET SOMEONE KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL LOOK GOOD!!!

Now we get a look at Lila's lair, base, whatever this weird room with a map of Paris and a web of photos connected by strings is supposed to be. It's really disturbing to take in just how much of her life she's apparently willing to waste for... we haven't even been given a MOTIVE FOR HER YET. This isn't just pathetic, this is unhealthy. And we get a scene of Chloe choosing to play music and make a spectacle of herself. She isn't a threat. This, this petulant CHILD is not a threat. WHY IS THIS SHOW SO OBSESSED WITH MAKING HER LOOK LIKE SHE'S A THREAT!? THERE IS NO WAY TO TAKE HER SERIOUSLY AS ONE, SHE IS JUST ANNOYING!!!

Also, as an aside, as someone who has gone to school, any students unironically saying they care about the lesson is sus. On the other hand, them wanting her to quit being distracting is totally in-character; having someone be a jerk and loud is ANNOYING no matter where or when it happens. Also, oddly enough, while she took the wrong thing away from the lesson, she apparently WAS paying attention to it enough to correctly name and describe the subjects of it. It makes it a bit odd why Thomas insists she's dumb; lazy and unmotivated, maybe, but this scene makes it feel like the issue is that she thinks she doesn't need to apply herself. Then again, she's apparently ignorant of the fact that spending money makes it go away, and she can't expect to coast by on her family's collective wealth; as fucking awful as both of her parents are, they at least actually WORK and made their money.

Yup, Ms. Mendeleiev immediately proves to be just as, if not MORE spineless than Damocles. Marinette decides to scold Chloe over causing their pregnant teacher stress (despite her not seeming stressed out in the slightest), instead of Chloe once again abusing her father's authority to bully someone into doing what she wants. Alright, that's a choice I guess. And as meanly as she phrased it, Chloe's right; none of the class can STOP Chloe from abusing her dad's power and authority, only HE CAN.

What makes this stupider is that if Chloe was able to bully her dad into doing shit like this, WHY HASN'T SHE DONE IT BEFORE!?! For fuck's sake, this season has bent over backwards to make it clear that Chloe doesn't give a shit about protecting her reputation or being anything less then a complete and utter fucking pain in the ass, so why the fuck has it taken THIS FUCKING LONG for Caline to "realize" that Chloe is a cheater and a pain in the ass. If she was able to make her dad allow her to get away with playing music in class, WHY HASN'T SHE DONE IT BEFORE NOW!? The big fucking problem with all this is that if Chloe was ALWAYS supposed to be this bad, why hasn't she tried shit like this before?! WHY!?

Oh, and Andre isn't even pretending to give Chloe's whims legitimacy and just tells the school to let her do whatever she wants, and Ms. Mendeleiev keeps proving she's useless. "He's my superior." NO HE FUCKING ISN'T!! THE MAYOR OF PARIS HAS NO AUTHORITY LIKE THIS OVER THE SCHOOLS OF PARIS!! IT WAS LITERALLY A PLOT POINT IN SEASON 2 THAT HE HAS LIMITED ACTUAL AUTHORITY OVER THE SCHOOLS!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!

And now Lila has Chloe faking Marinette hurt her... I can see where this is going. And wow, Chloe seriously forgot that she's already been ratted out as a liar to Miss B, this is fucking stupid. And yup, immediately throwing her weight around. And now they are gonna shoot Chloe's one act of genuine kindness towards Miss B in the foot, just like they did everything else. Honestly, them having her try and reach out to Chloe NOW of all times doesn't work, considering that last episode involved her "realizing that Chloe has no goodness in her." FUCK THIS NOISE.

"We all tried to help you." THE FUCK YOU DID!!! YOU HAVE DONE JACK SHIT TO HELP HER!! WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HER MOTHER VERBALLY ABUSED HER ON LIVE TV!? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN CHLOE WAS CHEATING!? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN CHLOE HAS BEEN ABUSING HER DAD'S AUTHORITY FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG!? YOU HAVE NEVER DONE SHIT TO HELP HER, YOU ARE JUST GASLIGHTING HER!! If she wasn't meant to be the bad guy, this would be more disgusting then it already is.

Yada yada, Chloe being awful, Mendeleiev being a spineless worm, Hawkmoth tries an Akumatization, Caline calms herself down. This would be more effective if it weren't for the fact that he successfully Akumatized her LAST TIME despite her not even being the actual fucking target; them introducing the possibility of an Akumatization being rejected was awesome at first, but now it just feels pathetic. Also, them making it look like Bustier's gonna cry doesn't work when her tone of voice NEVER FUCKING CHANGES.

I'm just... I'm literally fast-fowarding so much of this since it's nothing but contrivance. This is bullshit. This is SHIT. I'm just waiting for it to get to the scene where Gabe meets with the Mayor, because so far this is just engineered idiocy, minute after minute of Chloe being a braindead, upper-class twit stereotype who makes me want to punch a wall. There isn't anything emotionally impactful about this, it's just INFURIATING.

Okay, that didn't take too long, and we get the Security Robots. Honestly? For starters, ignoring the fact that Andre does not have the authority to affect Paris' police force in the slightest, getting rid of these things DOES NOT EQUATE TO GETTING RID OF THE POLICE. You CAN have both, and if anything having them work in coordination would be the optimal choice in terms of ensuring that they are following their duties properly.

"It seems like Ladybug and Chat Noir are the ones enforcing the law in Paris." ...What is that even supposed to MEAN!? Outside of blatantly WEIRD stuff like that thing with the flying clone dinos and their patrols, they only deal with supervillain stuff. HOW does dealing with the one thing that NO police force, robotic or otherwise, could handle equate to them "being the ones enforcing the law in Paris." And Hawkmoth HAS MADE TECH CONTROLLING VILLAINS BEFORE IN THE FORM OF ROBUSTUS!!! I'm aware that it's Gabe and Tomoe pushing this, but Andre should KNOW about Robustus, meaning he should have a ready made reason to NOT ACCEPT THEM that doesn't involve badly executed arguments!!!

Seriously, this episode's entire root conflict basically relies on Andre somehow not remembering Robustus. Oh, and now Lila's infiltrating the hotel, which makes no sense as I'm pretty sure that the workers would be able to tell she's not one of them. Blah blah blah, pretentious rich girl sounds from Chloe... Lila using her video camera to spy on them...

Also, how the hell does Andre not realize that letting his daughter talk to him like she's his boss makes him look like a complete and utter loser in front of Tomoe and Gabe?

Lila is literally having Chloe say things she knows will make Gabe want to Akumatize her, clearly these two are criminal masterminds. /s

Wow, Gabe describes Chloe acting like a pretentious little brat as "not being cowardly." Even ignoring how he's clearly only doing this for Akuma reasons, this is fucking stupid.

Andre earns one point for pointing out that trying to ban superheroes is dumb as people love Ladybug and Chat Noir (not even mentioning the impossibility of actually ENFORCING such a ban)... and immediately loses it for not realizing that he has allowed Chloe to get away with PLENTY unreasonable bullshit, so him standing up on not BANNING HER ENTIRE CLASS FROM EVER GOING TO ANY HIGH SCHOOL is utterly toothless. Heck, he's not even standing up to her, as he's literally just standing up to her in the most superficial and tepid way imaginable.

Weird, when Gabe revealed he's taking Adrien out of Paris, even if she almost used her new grade school insult for him, Chloe almost sounded WORRIED about him not being around. I have zero doubts in my mind that if the show bothered to acknowledge this, it'd be because she's "upset at losing a new target to make suffer" or some pretentious shit like that. I feel like I'm using pretentious a lot.

And Andre once again proves to be a completely spineless JOKE when he "promises to do whatever Chloe wants" so she'll stop pestering him. My guy, it is so far past any point where you could salvage your image, you should've shut her down and had the staff take her to her room THE SECOND SHE CAME IN YELLING AT YOU WHILE YOU WERE IN A FUCKING MEETING!!! All admitting you are bowing to her whims does is make you look like a spineless jackass.

Oh, and Lila feeding Chloe's ego by saying that Chloe's engineered temper tantrum was a "real display of power." Yeah, how in the WORLD could Chloe have turned out so awful. /s

We are back to the class, all of them deciding to spend their afternoon at Juleka's place, ROSE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE GODDAMN KISSES!!! Stop "awwwing" over them!! THEY ARE NOT THAT CUTE AS A COUPLE!!!!

And we're back to Gabe and Andre, Gabe's about to confront Andre, what was the fucking point with the scene at the boat?? They start off talking very familiar with each other, implying that they have history beyond both being Rich People In Paris, with Gabe basically pulling a "just trust me bro" to Andre's request for an explanation behind the robots. I'd honestly like one as well; what is even the fucking point of those stupid things?

"Remember when we were young and penniless?" No. NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT!! YOU DO NOT GET TO STOP AND REMINISCE ABOUT BEING POOR, NOT WHEN YOUR FUCKING NAME IS LITERALLY A TERM FOR BEING BORN INTO FUCKING WEALTH AND PRIVILEGE YOU CORRUPT PIECE OF SHIT!!! YOU DO NOT GET TO START TALKING ABOUT "THE GOOD OLD DAYS" AFTER ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT, NOT WHEN YOU AND GABE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN PORTRAYED AS BEING RICH AS FUCK, EMILIE LITERALLY HAVING BEEN DESCRIBED AS FUCKING OLD MONEY!!! IF YOU WERE EVER FUCKING POOR FOR REAL I WOULD EAT MY LEFT FOOT!!!

"Don't you think we were much happier back then?" NO!! SHUT UP!!! YOU DO NOT GET TO GO "WOE IS ME" ABOUT BEING FUCKING RICH RIGHT NOW!! IT IS NOT A MATTER OF WHAT YOU HAVE NOW OR WHAT YOU HAD BACK THEN, ALL YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS ARE ENTIRELY BECAUSE YOU ARE A CORRUPT, SPINELESS PIECE OF HUMAN FILTH!!!! YOU MADE YOUR CHOICES!!!! YOU CHOSE TO BE A FUCKING MONSTER!!! YOU DO NOT GET TO BLAME BEING WEALTHY!!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO DO THAT!!!!

"A woman who barely respects me, a selfish heartless daughter, and a city hall that I never wanted!" SHUT UP!! SHUT! THE FUCK!! UP!! STOP WHINING ABOUT HOW AWFUL YOUR LIFE IS!! YOUR WIFE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU BECAUSE SHE'S A BITCH AND BECAUSE YOU ARE A SPINELESS WORM WHO DESERVES NO RESPECT!!! CHLOE IS ONLY SELFISH BECAUSE YOU HAVE SPENT YEAR AFTER FUCKING YEAR SPOILING AND NEGLECTING HER!! YOU MADE THIS FUCKING BED AND YOU CAN GODDAMN LIE IN IT LIKE THE FLEA BITTEN DOG THAT YOU ARE!!! AND YOU NEVER WANTED CITY HALL, YOU COULD FUCKING QUIT AT ANY TIME!! NO ONE IS FORCING YOU INTO THIS LIFE!! NO ONE IS MAKING YOU DO ANY OF THIS SHIT!!! YOUR MISTAKES ARE YOUR OWN, OWN UP TO THEM FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A LIFE YOU LIVING SHITSTAIN!!!

"All my life I've lied, cheated, and abused my power." NO ONE FORCED YOU TO!! YOU DON'T GET TO BELLYACHE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES WHEN YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO CORRECT THEM YOU DEGENERATE SACK OF WASTE!!!

"I've become a tyrant in service to my family and their friends," STOP FUCKING BLAMING YOUR OWN CHOICES ON YOUR FAMILY!! THEY HAVE NO POWER TO FORCE YOU TO ABUSE YOUR POWER, YOU CHOSE TO DO SO!!! CHLOE BEING A BRAT IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!! AUDREY DISRESPECTING YOU IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!! YOUR LIFE IS NOBODY'S FAULT EXCEPT YOUR OWN!!!!

God fucking dammit, that isn't out of my system, but if I keep pausing for every little thing that upsets me, I'm gonna have an aneurysm. Yadda yadda, long-winded lecture about Andre abusing his power in stupid ways that he has no power to actually enforce, we get the "reveal" that Gabe used to be better, once again without any evidence when all the evidence regarding his treatment of Adrien instead points to him having always been a self-absorbed, self-righteous control freak, and FUCK does this bullshit piss me off. There is NOTHING I loathe more than slimeballs like Andre, who whine and cry about how unfair life is when everything being shit is entirely a product of their own actions, grow the fuck up and start doing something productive with your life. You've got the office, stop bending over backwards like a coward and just DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.

"Maybe there's still hope, maybe we can still change." I do not trust you to "change" in any meaningful way that doesn't involve running away from your mistakes and leaving someone else to clean up the mess. "Give up our privileges, go back to the way it was," yup, immediately proven right. His idea of "changing" is "plug his head in the sand, ignore reality, and act as if all the damage he's caused is no longer his problem." THIS is the man they want us to sympathize with? Yeah, fuck that.

Also, the way they used "privileges" reminds me of Astruc's bullshit about Chloe not redeeming or changing as a person. WHAT fucking privileges?? His status as the Mayor? All he has to do is stop running each election. Give up his money?? He's already rich because of his fucking hotel, that's not happening, and it means he'll still have a massive status to rely on. WHAT fucking privileges could he even give up!?

"City hall is no longer for sale." What, have you been making illicit deals like this with Tomoe before now? If it's ever been "for sale" you've got no one but yourself to blame. And Gabe had been recording the entire thing, and Andre's monologue just so happened to include a sarcastic list of awful abuses of power, conveniently all in a row, that Gabe can neatly and easily edit down into a "confession" he can use to induce an Akumatization, because apparently he can't just force the process despite having shown that yes, he can do exactly that during Zombizou. Also, weird thing with the edited video, it somehow changed the pitch and tone without any efforts to actually DO that, he just shuffled stuff around.

Caline's Akuma form is stupid looking on so many levels, and why would she even NEED the Pig Miraculous power?? Hawkmoth has made forced recruitment powers LOADS OF TIMES!! Heck, this time is even weaker then normal since her recruits are FUCKING BALLOONS!!!

Gabe and Tomoe plot to make Chloe look like a savior, I wonder how in the world they'll do that. /s

And now Caline's Akuma is on live TV, announcing her intentions. I can't even take her words seriously because of how stupid she looks.

Back to Adrien and Marinette, and right when it looks like Adrien's gonna share the bad news, word about Caline getting Akumatized arrived. They aren't even trying not to drag this out anymore.

Adrien, it's NEVER going to be the right time. It's the kind of thing you just have to get over with. Ideally, you do it in a situation where the other person is comfortable. But there's never gonna be a "right time for it."

Zoe takes off running after seeing the doctored video, and we get a scene with Chloe, who shows... well, annoyance at Andre's words. Either because she's dumb enough to think that this is a genuine and knowing confession, or because she has enough moral standards to know that what he's suggesting is idiotic... who am I kidding, of course it's because they think she's stupid.

Yeah, she's just stupid. She literally had to have Lila spell out the problem with assuming she'll still have any kind of power or protection from her actions after this engineered confession.

Caline confronts the cops, and after slashing through a bunch of them... all except the two that are LITERALLY right next to her landing spot are just standing in place, not doing anything, despite holding weapons. They, they aren't even RUNNING AWAY FROM THE SUPERVILLAIN IN THEIR MIDST. Also, this scene honestly makes Tomoe and Gabe's creation of a robotic police force look JUSTIFIED just due to how utterly incompetent the cops come off here.

"I think it's strange that Monarch would support a revolutionary." Ladybug, he literally already did this with Darkblade. He might've been more about personally seizing power, but it is literally the exact same fucking principle. He doesn't "support" anyone, he uses people's personal crusades as a bludgeon to get his way, nothing more and nothing less.

"A revolution when everyone is corrupt," you literally heard a single clip regarding a single politician. If that's proof that everyone's corrupt, that points more to you having been one bad day from going on a rampage to start with.

Also, just noticed, her "army" is even weaker than minion-maker Akumas normally are; they literally can't do anything but FLOAT THERE.

"It's not up to us to decide who should or shouldn't be a mayor, we just need to deakumatize the villain." ...NO FUCKING DUH!? FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT YOU WERE ALREADY DOING!! ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY YOU WEREN'T TAKING HER SERIOUSLY TO START WITH!? IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW, I'M NOT THE CREATOR WHO DECIDES EVERYTHING IN-UNIVERSE!!!

Oh hey, the Balloons finally do something, I wonder how hard it'll be to make literal balls of air go away... Oh, they are actually struggling. That's honestly sad.

"Deep down, he's not a bad mayor!" Zoe's on the scene for some reason, and trying to talk down an Akuma, clearly that'll do something. /s

Also, no Zoe, your step-dad is a TERRIBLE mayor. He's done nothing but use and abuse his powers for YEARS, and no matter what he says to the contrary, it's entirely his own fault, and he is literally planning on abandoning his position, doing nothing to actually correct his mistakes, to live out his hobby.

"I thought we were friends, Gabriel, but it seems that is no longer the case!" Andre, buddy, for him being your "friend," the two of you never hang out or communicate in any way. Heck, why would you think he's your friend when he literally made a high-end "get along shirt" to mock your dysfunctional marriage?

"Then again, what you did was finally the push I needed to make the right decision." I suspect you don't mean "own up to my mistakes and do all in my vast power as both the Mayor and a wealthy hotel owner to correct them and keep them from coming back again."

Seriously, why the hell aren't Ladybug and Chat just taking her out from behind. SHE IS DISTRACTED!! YOU LITERALLY SAID YOURSELF THAT IT IS NOT UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHO GETS TO BE MAYOR OR NOT, YOUR ENTIRE POINT IS TO DEFEAT AKUMAS AND SHE IS NOT SO INTIMIDATING THAT YOU NEED TO ENABLE SOMEONE WHO IS CLEARLY NOT IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND!!!

Yup, just got confirmed that he's going to weasel his way out of his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions. Corruption carries steeper penalties then just losing the job, there's jail time and steep fines involved.

"The Lucky Charm was warning me about her!" ...How? How in the WORLD could it be warning you about the powerless BRAT before you? I just... I cannot deal with this shit. This is just stupid.

Also, this scene kinda shoots the "her spotty vision is all in her head" idea in the foot given that it only went off after Chloe entered the room. If it's meant to be a representation of Marinette being creative, it fails massively when it's clearly reacting exclusively to her biases right now.

"A crown for the queen of brats" OH GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF YOU LEATHER CAT-SUIT WEARING SIMP!!!

And here comes the scene of Chloe illegally taking power that she doesn't actually have, and trying to pin the blame on Ladybug and Chat Noir. How pathetic. And everyone watching the news as Chloe appoints herself mayor... I'm pretty sure the VICE MAYOR is the person who gets the position if anyone wants it. Also, if Andre DID resign under duress, he's technically still in office and can just COME BACK.

Also, if anyone believes that CHLOE of all people, especially when she's actively in the middle of illegally seizing power, would unironically say "power must return to the people," they are an idiot.

WOW, she just declared the known terrorist an outlaw, THAT will actually mean something and have a tangible effect on what happens going forward! /s

Not even gonna touch her "outlawing" Ladybug and Chat Noir, since that's stupid to start with.

[oh-no-my-hand-slipped]

A Sneezy Season at Santa’s

Chapter 7: A Helping Nose

Info About This Choose Your Own Adventure

Andre wrung his chef’s hat between his hands.

“I…I do not dow. You are ndot a chef, you do have ndot worked in this kitchen…”

You tell him that you did some baking in your spare time at home. You weren’t world-class or anything, but you did know how to tweak recipes and get flavors just right.

“Besides,” Cherry added, “it would do you good to have a little help. And who knows? Maybe, if they do a good job, you’ll have a new chef in your kitchen when they finish training!”

This seemed to put Andre more at ease, though he still paced between the cupboards.

“We will deed more ingredients…these batters…no, no good…and…and…hhhh’KT’CHIIIIIIIIEW!”

The cook shuddered, blowing his nose again. Though his nostrils were still pink, his face had grown noticeably paler.

You bring up a stool next to the counter, motioning for him to sit. That way, you explain, he can watch you cook and give you instructions, but he won’t tire himself out pacing.

“Ah, merci, merci. I ab feeling a bit…er, tired.”

You begin with a sugar cookie recipe. Andre wants to add a citrus flavor, but doesn’t want them to taste too sour.

You first mix a basic sugar cookie batter. Unfortunately, due to all the flour and other powders puffing into the air, Andre was having a difficult time giving any instructions.

“A little…hhhhh’KCH’CHIEW!…ah, excuhuh-! hhhh’KCHNX! CHNX’IEW!”

Finding the right mix of citrus and sweetness was easy enough. But, with more difficult tasks, like spinning sugar or putting jelly into pastries, Andre’s sudden, loud sneezes were hard to manage.

It also didn’t help that, no matter how engrossed you were in a task, you couldn’t help but think about Andre’s trembling, sensitive, powerful…

“Ah! The icing!”

You blinked, realizing that you had just squeezed a mountain of icing onto a poor, unsuspecting cookie.

“It is okay,” Andre said, handing you a new icing bag to refill. “Bud you bust focus, oui?”

You said you would certainly try.

“No try. Only duh - hhh’KCH’CHIIIIEW!”

You continued to work, but the more Andre sneezed, the more antsy you became. But, you still managed to do everything correctly — or, at least, to your standards.

Finally, you got to the last recipe. It was an airy pastry, glazed with cinnamon and topped with powdered sugar. Though it was mostly air, the few parts of it that weren’t were delicious.

But, just as they were coming out of the oven, Andre’s mustache began to twitch.

Uh oh.

These pastries were extremely fragile. One loud noise, like one of Andre’s sneezes, would be sure to collapse them.

“Hih…hih-!”

Before you knew what you were doing, you put the hot pan of pastries in one hand, lean as far as you can towards Andre, and put a still warm hand over his nose.

You can feel the cook’s nose quivering against your hand, stunned but still close to a sneeze.

Andre looks at you with wide eyes, and you can’t help but stare back into them. Both of your faces flush as you realize what’s just happened.

You try to say something, anything, but Andre’s the one to break the silence.

“I’b…going to-!”

You hurriedly set down the pan of pastries, and you and Andre try to find a place where he can sneeze without ruining the batch.

Finally, you find a spice closet, and you yank Andre into it, closing the door behind you. You take your hand from Andre’s nose.

Though you can hardly see, you can hear, and certainly feel, what follows.

“hhhhAH’KTCH’CHIIIIIIEW! HA’KSHIIIIEW! Hah-! HI’KCHIIEW!”

Every time Andre would recover from one fit, he would be spurred into another by the scents of the spices lining the shelves. At one point, he leaned against you, unable to take the weight of the sneezes by himself.

Finally, you both left the closet, with Andre dripping and snuffling behind you.

Luckily, Cherry had gone to get a certain spice from storage. By the time she came back, you had finished the pastries and were making Andre a cup of tea for his sore throat.

However, your hand still shook as you stirred the honey into the cup.

If Cherry noticed that the mood had changed, she didn’t say anything. Though Andre tried to help with the cleaning and storing, he couldn’t do much except point to the cupboards where things were stored.

“Alright,” Cherry said, putting away the last of the treats, “let’s just take Andre to the quarters and…oh.”

Andre was fast asleep on the counter, with a clean wooden spoon held tightly in his fist. Cherry put a finger over her lips.

“Let’s let him sleep.”

She tiptoed towards the door. Before you left, you took off your coat and laid it over Andre. Even in sleep, the cook smiled from the warmth.

You walked gingerly out of the kitchen — though not before grabbing a banana to ease the hunger pangs — and joined Cherry in the hallway.

“I told you this would be an interesting tour!” Cherry said. “And, knowing Andre, he’ll have some cookies ready for you as soon as he’s better.”

You nod, but your mind is in a completely different place — namely, in a nearby spice closet.

“Alrighty!” Cherry said, clapping her hands together and bringing you out of your daydream. “Where to next?”

You weren’t sure if you could take much more excitement. But, still, you had to stay on schedule.

[fibula-rasa]

Favorite New-to-Me Films

January ’24

READ on BELOW the JUMP!

(listed in order of collage above, L to R)

Eleven P.M. (1928)

[letterboxd | imdb | kanopy]

Synopsis: Sundaisy, a violinist, tries to fulfill a friend’s dying request to ensure his son is raised away from the criminal element of the city. Unfortunately, Sundaisy is duped by a phony priest, and the boy grows into a low-level crime boss. After a series of misfortunes spurred on by the boy over the course of decades, Sundaisy’s family is nearly ruined. However, Sundaisy’s will for vengeance leads to supernatural consequences. All this is couched in a frame story of a man trying to meet an 11 p.m. deadline.

This is easily my favorite first-time viewing of the month. The synopsis above admittedly does not capture the mystical/transcendental attitude that Eleven P.M. reflects. This is the only film Detroit-based Richard Maurice ever directed, but it displays sophisticated ideas about film storytelling, using an array of devices in inventive ways. It’s always a treat to be reminded of how creative and exciting independent filmmaking can be in America. If you want to check this one out, I advise you to keep an open mind and not approach it with an overly literal, nitpicky mindset. Let Richard Maurice take you on this ride and I don’t think you’ll regret it!

I watched this on the Pioneers of African-American Cinema box set, which I can’t recommend highly enough. The films are outstandingly curated and contextualized and the set showcases an often-overlooked but indispensable part of American cultural history. A lot of the films are also available on streaming through kanopy, which you may be able to access with your library card if you live in the US.

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Lea on Rollerskates / Lea sui pattini (1912)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: Lea isn’t allowed by her parents to go rollerskating with a friend, so she decides to skate in her own bedroom. She proceeds to wreak havoc in the home before an accidental self-defenestration sets her free to wreak havoc at the roller rink instead.

A jam-packed, stunt-heavy bit of nonsense led by Lea Giunchi. I’ve watched quite a few of her films now and I’ve learned this is pretty standard for her. I love each and every pratfall.

---

Two Girls are in Love with Foolshead / Le due innamorate di Cretinetti (1911)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: Cretinetti is dating two girls at the same time. The girls decide to duel, but Cretinetti is the one who loses… repeatedly.

I’ve finally gotten around to watching more Andre Deed films and this one was a highlight for January. I don’t know who the skinny woman is, but she and Valentina Frascaroli are great together.

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X (2022)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: A crew of filmmakers leave Houston, TX for the country in order to film a farm-themed porn. The producer of course did not disclose the nature of their stay to the elderly property owners. Said owners have ulterior motives in renting their cabin and respond violently to the group.

Appreciative of all of Ti West’s work, and X has so much going on and so much to say that I originally typed out two full pages (single spaced) on it before I knew it. I won’t be sharing those two pages because I think there are a few points on the approach to gore in recent horror movies that I need to mull over more. For now though, I’ll just say, I didn’t enjoy X at all, but I deeply appreciate what Ti West is putting out there. I probably won’t watch it again and I’m going to be sure my stomach is prepared for whenever I get around to Pearl (2022).

---

The Hayseed (1919)

[letterboxd | imdb | Silent Comedy Watch Party]

Synopsis: Fatty wants to marry Molly, but so does the sheriff. Buster tries to keep the general store in working order while the sheriff plots against Fatty.

Luke the dog is one of my top 5 movie dogs of all time. I’ve never made an official list, but I know in my heart that Luke is at the top. Also, I adore how many modern professional wrestling moves you end up seeing in Fatty/Buster collaborations! In this instance, note the dance sequence with the lady who gets swung around wildly.

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The Ghost Ship (1943)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: Tom Merriam, a young officer, reports for his first commission on a long haul trip on the Altair. The captain has a bit of a strange vibe, but the newbie likes him, at first. As crewmen perish under the captain’s leadership, and the captain’s lectures take on a more sinister tone, Tom knows he needs to act to save the remaining crew and the ship. 

Checked this out as I was on a Val Lewton kick not knowing much about it beforehand. I did not expect it to be a movie about fascism done in microcosm. So, if you were looking for a movie about ghosts or a Flying Dutchman, this ain’t it. Its off-beat structure amped up the tension, though the denouement was a little too pat. Cinematography was fantastic, as you might expect from Nicholas Musuraca. I hope Sir Lancelot got two checks for how much his singing contributes to the movie. Richard Dix is such a skilled actor in everything I’ve seen him in, but he is pitch-perfectly terrifying in this movie.

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Miss Pinkerton (1932)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: A nurse who’s bored with hospital work gets assigned to an old woman who’s ailing after a big shock: finding the dead body of her nephew. The detective on the case asks the nurse to gather reconnaissance for him at the house and she gets all the excitement she can stomach as a result.

Miss Pinkerton is a pre-code gem I somehow have never seen before, despite my devotion to Joan Blondell. The plot and characters are interesting, the cinematography (done by Barney McGill) and staging of the film is very dynamic and Joan Blondell brings so much to Miss Pinkerton with her signature effervescent sass. It’s also just over an hour long, so it would make a great watch for one of those evenings where you’re indecisive but want to find something compelling but compact.

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Phil-for-Short (1919)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: Damophilia “Phil” Illington is a free-spirited tomboy brought up by a Greek-professor father and his right-hand man, Pat. Her lack of lady-like decorum raises the ire of two town elders, who are also the local killjoys. When her father passes away, one of the elders abuses his position of power to force her into a conservatorship. Phil disguises herself as a boy and hightails it with Pat. While on the lam, Phil makes the acquaintance of a young woman-hating Greek professor. Through a set of misadventures, Phil and the Professor end up married, but it takes quite a bit of work after the marriage for them to find happiness with one another.

Great characters and performances and I enjoyed marriage not being treated as the resolution or an end point to the story. It’s also very endearing to see such a pervasively queer story about a man and a woman getting together.

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The Mystic (1925)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: A con artist enlists the help of Hungarian travelling carnival performers to enact a phony medium scheme against the hoi polloi of New York City.

Tod Browning is a sure-bet filmmaker for me and The Mystic was no exception. Highlights for me were: the execution of the seance sequences, Erte’s gorgeous costumes for Aileen Pringle, and an ending that I hoped would happen but assumed wouldn’t!

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There Ain’t No Santa Claus (1926)

[letterboxd | imdb | Silent Comedy Watch Party]

Synopsis: When Christmas rolls around, Charley doesn’t have enough money to both pay the rent and buy his wife a present. He uses his $80 to buy her a watch, instead of the rent, and his nasty landlord/next-door-neighbor steals the watch. Christmas Day turns into a free for all, when both Charley and his landlord dress as Santa and plan to enter via their respective chimneys for their respective children. 

Well-paced, great comeuppance, and very well-executed gags. Additionally, Charley Chase looks absolutely outrageous in his Santa wig and he knew it!

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This one didn’t make it into the collage, but it’s still on the list:

Little Moritz Runs Away With Rosalie / Little Moritz enlève Rosalie (1911)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Synopsis: Little Moritz loves Rosalie and wishes to marry her, but her father objects. So, of course Rosalie and Mortiz run away together in his funky little flivver, but dad and the family dog give chase.

Most of this short is the chase sequence and it’s very well executed. Sarah Duhamel is so cute and so is her family dog. The location shooting is nicely done (was this shot in Nice?) This charming poster captures the vibe of the short perfectly:

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In January we were hit with a nasty winter storm and, while we were relatively lucky in my neighborhood, we were without internet for a third of the month. So, we ended up relying on our home video collection, which accounts for five of the films above and me re-watching two seasons of Soap and Fritz Lang’s Niebelungenlied (1924). 

Despite the holdup, I continued my “Lost, but Not Forgotten” series with The Dancer of the Nile (1923) and started a limited spin-off series, “How’d They Do That?” about special effects and stunts in the silent era. 

I also made themed gif & still sets for: Miss Pinkerton, Dementia (1955), and A Christmas Carol (1971).

Here’s to a less eventful February! And, as always, if you’re interested in any of these films, but have specific content warning needs, feel free to ask me.

[safe-haven-safe-place]

What does it mean to be ‘sensitive’?

As a personality trait, scientists define high sensitivity as taking in more information from your environment, processing it more deeply, and doing more with it, according to Andre Sólo, coauthor of Sensitive and one of the founders of Sensitive Refuge. Sólo says that the sensitive brain is actually wired to process all information more deeply — effectively spending more time and mental resources on doing so — which means sensitive people tend to notice details others miss and make connections that others don’t see.

Because of this deep processing, sensitive people tend to have certain traits. Many are creative deep thinkers who pick up on subtle details and nuance. Most have high levels of empathy, because they process emotional cues more deeply, too. And many are highly attuned to their physical environment, noticing even the tiniest changes around them. These are all advantages, but the sensitive brain can get overstimulated in loud, chaotic or emotionally intense environments. They do best in calm, quiet settings with plenty of time to think.

Of course, everyone is sensitive to some extent. Sólo says that researchers now see sensitivity as a continuum, with most people in the middle, a few at the low end, and about 30% scoring high for sensitivity. These highly sensitive people, or HSPs, are what we mean when we say “sensitive people.”

#1 Most Sensitive Type: INFJ

INFJs usually exhibit high levels of sensitivity and have a deep affinity for other people’s feelings. INFJs have strong emotional connections to both their own feelings and the feelings of others. They are incredibly sensitive to suffering and are unable to just turn away from someone who is in pain. They tend to experience sadness about the cruelty they witness in the world which can lead them to have isolated periods. It’s this intense empathy that pushes INFJs to the top of the sensitivity list — they are often deep thinkers like INFPs, and are also incredibly attuned to the needs of the people around them. INFJs are highly sensitive to the words and deeds of those close to them. INFJ is regarded as the most sensitive personality type. Some estimates suggest that 80 to 90% of people who test as INFJs also test as highly sensitive people, because the traits of the two overlap so much.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Okay but, Alec turning his life around and deciding to help other people turn THEIR lives around is actually a pretty interesting character shift.

It's just a shame that the "good deed"/"turnaround" wound up being Andre basically selling Chloe to her abusive mother so he could pretend Zoe was his daughter instead.

Yeah basically.

[myfaveisfuckable]

Who is more likely to do the deed with their doppelganger?

Andre:

Not only would fuck his clone but has done so in canon

has done that in canon (and got his heart broken 💔)

Raphael:

Look, this is the only character I can think of who CANONICALLY fucks his clone! He is so self centered that he used magic to get someone with his own face. Many other characters might consider fucking their clone if presented with the opportunity. Very few actually have.

[viola-ophelia]

turn hot takes part 2: nsfw edition LOLLL (i apologize in advance)

- that one time that simcoe slept with a prostitute was his first time actually doing the deed. generally he just gets off by murdering ppl

- @honorhearted is so right - ben likes to be in control in the bedroom ;) he just has a lot of pent-up stress to release haha

- i can’t be convinced that john andre is super dominant - he is a service top at most. his flute-music-as-foreplay is terrible, but he knows that the female orgasm exists, so it balances out lol

- abe habitually starts thinking about spy plans in the middle of sex and then gets turned on by it. also he definitely got topped by both anna and mary

- caleb tells everyone that his body count is 3x what it actually is. he’s fun in bed though (and would probably be down to do something crazy like semi public sex)

- benedict arnold doesn’t know what foreplay is and falls asleep 3 seconds after finishing. the worst person to sleep with in the whole show, rip peggy

- i feel like hewlett, surprisingly, is lowkey a sex god (only for anna though ;))

please feel free to add on if you have more thoughts HAHAHAHA

[monetilly]

Y'know what, I initially wasn't gonna comment on the lil' Ben/Andre "Best Sexyman" debate of last night, but it got me thinkin' and frankly, It def validated my position as a Ben girl.

I'd much rather be with a man who after only knowing me for less than a week and only banging me once (and in the morning after the deed I threatened to sell him out to the men hunting him down and told him I never wanted to see again) would still commit full on fucking treason to get me to safety without any expectation or requirement of ever seeing, hearing, or speaking to me again and then also nearly beat a man to death with his bare hands for killing me before he was able to resolve the issue of my safety.

Than be with the fella that wined, dined, and promised to marry me, and then next day pushed me into the arms of an aggressive power hungry beast of a man who really only craved one thing of me, and then proceeded to get upset at himself for having pushed me away, and instead of reflecting on the folly of his plan and pulling me out to safety and to be with him once more, he instead, in his sorrows, pays for his ex girlfriend to get a whole makeover to look like me and then banged her on the kitchen table, in the middle of the damn day, no less, and then asked my friend and only confidant during our affair to not even tell me about it when he got caught.

That being said.

A good burger requires 2 buns and MEat in the middle.