#And then when Mogar meets Vav he freezes. Because he KNOWS him. He KNOWS him but he can’t REMEMBER

[irisbaggins]

Mogar Origin story based off of YDYD part 3, so heavy spoilers.

What if YDYD was sort-of the origin story for Mogar, though? He stumbled across the jungle for years, alone, living with the memory of his friends, all dead. He doesn’t know his way home, nor the way to civilization. So he just wanders, without any real purpose, for years. He’s lost all sense of time, because what’s time to a lost man?

He doesn’t even remember his name. At least, not what it was supposed to be. He does remember someone telling him he was Mogar. It fits, but...he had another name. He just doesn’t remember it.

And then, he stumbles upon this cow. And he’s so tired. Instead of killing the cow, he just sits down beside her. He’s exhausted to the point where he doesn’t want to go on anymore. It’s been years since he’s seen his friends, seen anyone of significance, really.

As he sits there, head leaning onto a rock and looking lazily out on the field, the cow gently nudges his shoulder with her head. She makes a noise at him, before she almost nods towards her udders. As if to ask him to take some of her milk. And he does, with the one little cup he crafted years ago.

What suprisies him, is how much better he feels. He feels...stronger. Like he has purpose again. And the cow even looks pleased with hersef because of this. He feels a sort of subdued joy in his chest as the cow gently nudges at his hair, grooming him. And he feels happy, he feels - after all these years - peaceful. He feels like he doesn’t have to feel on edge anymore, that he can finally be allowed to feel anything more than emptiness.

And so, what follows, are years of the two of them wandering the world. He found peace in her, and she found companionship (and a son) in him. And he, for some reason, doesn’t age. But it doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t remember why he should be bothered with not aging. He’s grown stronger, and his muscles are more defined. He only kills if absolutely necessary (killing is bad, it only leads to more violence, at least that’s what he remembers), and even then he can feel a sliver of guilt.

After years and years of the two of them wandering, they stumble upon and old and abandoned farm. There’s a tower so tall he can’t see the top, and there’s an overgrown tree atop of the house. And Mogar feels his heart ache. He doesn’t remember why, but he does. Something’s drawing him to the tree atop of the house, and he goes to it. And then he gazes around, and his eyes fall on a statue. He turns towards the tree again, his hands gently touching the bark. The signs are old and worn, and he can’t read it, but he knows something important was written there. And when he turns back to the statue, he can’t help but cry. He doesn’t remember why he cries, but he just does.

In another part of the world, there’s a man, slowly waking up again. He wakes to the whispers of the dead. And he feels alive, in a way he knows he’s never been. And he laughs, loud and unrestrained.

[transvavsquad]

Heh

It wasn’t suppose to be a big project. Vav looked at the electric bill and almost had a heart attack. X-ray and his mother both use up a lot of electricity so it shouldn’t be a big surprise, but still. After researching for a couple of days Vav learned how to build solar panels. The one he built for his best friend’s household worked perfectly. It had his own little touch making it hard to damage the panels and special little chargeable batteries that last for a month if the panels were to stop working, which was highly unlikely but just in case. The catch was that Vav was the only one who could access the system that allowed power from the solar panels to the house. It especially helped that they lived in a very sunny part of town.

The problem is Hilda visits regularly. It wasn’t hard for her to find the solar panels. She knew that there was no way X-ray and Vav could afford them so after bugging the lads she quickly figured out the truth. To keep her from going off at them Vav agreed to build some for Monarch Labs.

“I thought you hated that place?”

“I do, but someone has to look after those poor souls Mad King hired and you’ll be helping.”

“Wait, WOT?!”

“X-ray’s mother told me it was because of you that they managed to keep afloat on cash and the bills. If you can do that then you can help run a business!”

“No I can’t! There’s a difference between running a multi million business and paying a few electric and water bills!”

“And how would you know that?”

“…”

“Come on Solar Queen, we have a lot to work with.”

“Solar Queen?”

“X-ray’s new cute, little nickname for you. I think it suits you.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

It took a months to get Monarch Labs up and going since neither Vav or Hilda knew what the business even sold so they ended up changing it completely to household gadgets. During that time the city had some major blackouts. Thankfully Vav’s solar panels worked perfectly. Everything was going great. Monarch Labs was going strong, X-ray’s power bills have dwindled and there was little to no crime being committed so the gang could hang out at the labs. Even Mogar would visit every once in a while. Of course with the gang’s luck something had to change.

The Mad King was back and he was pissed. Not only did breaking out took longer than planned, but Hilda had completely erased all his progress. The only bright side to all this mess was the new solar panels she had installed. Well it would’ve been if someone hadn’t locked him out from the system stopping any power from getting to the labs.

Thankfully before Mad King took back the labs Hilda and Vav erased any evidence of Vav’s existence from the labs. The only hint Mads could find of the creator was the nickname that was going around his workers, the Solar Queen. That quickly caught his interest. The fact that the rumours that they may have helped Hilda with the business made him want to find this person more. Maybe he could convince them to join him.

What he found was not what he expected. Mads decided one day to get some donuts. To be safe he went out in civvies. On his way he heard one of X-ray and Vav’s allies, if he was correct Mads would say it was the homeless one. Carefully he got in close enough to listen in.

“Hey Solar Queen, mind installing me some of those solar panels?”

“Rusty you live in a box.”

“Not anymore, I found an abandoned building nearby.”

“I don’t know…”

“How about this, when someone does buy the building I promise I’ll move out.”

“Okay, but I have a better idea. I’ve still got a large amount of cash from Monarch Labs. I’ll buy you the building and help you get everything thing set up! How does that sound?”

“It’s a deal, but don’t expect me to living in there 24/7. Hilda has the right idea of having you help her with that mess Mad King called a business.”

Now was a time to strike. Not only was the Solar Queen right there, but the hobo insulted everything he built. Him being the Mad King, Mads always bought some sort of weapon with him just in case. Today was Hilda’s old freeze ray. Revealing himself Mads notice Vav was also in his civvies rendering him powerless against him. With a pull of a trigger Rusty was incased in a block of ice.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR YOU MANIAC!?”

“Just wanted get some alone time with you, your majesty.”

“Mad King? What do you want?”

“For you to allow your solar panels to continue creating power for Monarch Labs.”

“That’s not going to happen!”

“Oh really?”

Vav had nowhere to go since the alleyway he was in was a dead end and he couldn’t leave Rusty like this. Mad King started to walk towards the young hero causing them to step away from him until their back was against a wall. The older grabbed onto Vav’s arms stopping him from escaping.

“From what I see you have nowhere to go. So you either come with me willingly or I take you by force.”

Mads would be lying if he said he wasn’t interested in the Brit when he first met him. The lad was what people called adorable and the intelligence in his eyes was hard for the older man to miss. To think Vav was wasting his time ‘crime fighting’ was painful. It was nice to know Vav used his brain for something useful even if it caused his whole life work to disappear.

“If I go with you will you give Rusty to X-ray?”

“…”

“Do you want me to go with you or not?”

“Fine, but also as longasyouagreetoworkalongsideme I’ll make sure your homeless friend gets there safely.”

“Deal! …Wait Wot!?”

“To late!”

Suddenly Mad King picked up Vav and placed him over his shoulder. He called two of his henchmen over to pick up Rusty. The Brit tried to struggle out of Mads’ grip which is hard when he weighs little to nothing compared to the older man.

“PUT ME DOWN!”

“Nope, it’s easier this way and I prefer you like this.”

“And what is that suppose to mean?”

“Oh Vav, aren’t you just adorable.”

That comment caused Vav to reply with a series of bird noises. The only thing it did was attract a couple of sparrow which that itself was interesting.

“Wait, the labs is that way. Where are you taking me?!”

“Relax, I’m just going to get some donuts.”

“There is no way you are taking me into a public area like this, PUT ME DOWN!”

“Sorry can’t do that your majesty.”

“…You’re never letting that die, aren’t you?”

“Nope.”

With that they made their way to the donut store which, to Vav’s dismay, was quite populated. He covered his face as Mads continued on like it was nothing. He swore he could hear a few clicks of some cameras. There was no way this could be any worse.

“Mad King? Vav? What’s going on here?”

Fuck! Vav could hear a couple of gasps and whispers from the people around him. If they weren’t going to talk then than they are definitely going to talk about them now.

“Hello Ash, lovely weather we’re having.”

“Cut the crap Mad King! Why do you have Vav over your shoulder!?”

“That’s none of your concern. Six dollars worth of iced donuts please.”

The worker behind the counter stared at the couple for a few seconds before shrugging and making the Mad King’s order.

“Vav, what’s going on?”

“I rather not talk about it right now, but could you make your way to X-ray’s after you’re done here? He’s going to need help thawing Rusty out of the ice.”

“Wait wait, Rusty? Ice? What the fuck is going on here?!”

The Mad King let out a chuckle as he collected his donuts. It was quite entertaining seeing Ash lose her composure.

“Like I said it’s none of your concern. It’s between me and our little solar queen.”

Vav heard a snicker come from Ash and he mouthed, ���traitor”, to her in which see apologised in the same manner. Mads decided the two had enough contact with each other and started to leave. Knowing about the feelings Vav used to feel for the freelancer reporter made him uncomfortable, but not jealous. Nope. Not at all.

They finally made their way to Monarch Labs. Instead of putting Vav back down on his feet Mads switched to a bridal carry. Vav wasn’t going to lie, he did like the position he was in and Mad King is pretty good looking-wait no bad Vav bad.

Everyone who Vav worked with during his time helping run Monarch Labs still worked there so there was a lot of friendly greetings towards the Brit. Vav swore he felt Mad King’s grip tightened.

“I see you’ve made yourself comfortable with my staff.”

“And again I ask this question, what is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re still a virgin aren’t you?”

In retaliation Vav managed to poke the Mad King in the side causing him to let out a high pitch shout.

“And by the sound of it, your balls still haven’t dropped.”

A few of the workers let out a chuckle before regaining composure.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the innocent one of your heroic little team?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?”

The Mad King let out a chuckle.

“I’ve never seen you act this way before. Have you been saving it for me this whole time? How kind.”

“Shut up.”

Mads finally put Vav down when they entered the elevator. Pressings the top floor he brought Vav closer to him.

“I must thank you.”

“For what?”

“Thanks to you and what’s-her-face-”

“Hilda.”

“-My business is going stronger than ever. However I will be going back to Monarch Labs’ original work.”

“Which was?”

“Why don’t you take a guess.”

“Well from what I do know, I’m guessing secret weapons for other villains.”

“You are correct.”

“Huh.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t be working in that area. You’ll be helping me with meetings and paper work and of course making sure your solar panels work properly.”

“I think I can agree on that, but we’re going to have to talk about my time with you and me being a hero.”

“Trust me, I intend to talk about that topic.”

The elevator let out a ding as it met its destination. Together the pair walked out of the elevator towards Mads’ office which was basically Vav’s and Hilda’s old office. The duo didn’t want to keep walking to and fro between offices so they renovated the top floor so the whole penthouse was an office. There was also a mini lab if they ever got bored, which was all the time. It was at the back with a nice little view. They installed a 'DO NOT DISTURB’ light in the elevator for their floor for when they needed it during work hours. Vav at first thought it was rather rude, but Hilda managed to convince him that it was for the right reasons. From what Vav could see, it seems that the Mad King had been using the lab.

“I believe this is yours.”

The Mad King held out his hand. In his palm was a little robotic, steampunk styled songbird. How could he forgotten about it. It was one of Vav’s favourite projects to work. He had put twenty different bird songs into it and built it to allow his creation to fly around the room without it bumping into stuff. In a way it was his version of Orf. Even X-ray, who had a fear of birds, found the little guy to be alright. Vav was planning to give it its own intelligence before the Mad King took back the labs.

“It is, thank you.”

With that Vav gently took the songbird and held it in his hands.

“If you don’t mind me asking, where did this come from?”

Vav blinked at the older man.

“Come again?”

“You have always played dumb and reckless in the field, but your creation shows persuasion, care and planning.”

“I do planning out in the field!”

“Yes and I must admit you’re squid bomb amuses me, but this little songbird shows love and intelligence. So… where did this come from?”

“It’s called a mask Mads. You should ask Diamond about them, she wears one all the time.”

Instead of looking annoyed like most people would, he gave Vav a soft smile.

“One of these days I’m going to figure you out… wait did you just call me Mads?”

“Well, what am I supposed to call you then?”

“Ryan will do.”

“Oh, okay. I guess you should call me Gavin then.”

Ryan put his hand out towards Gavin.

“Well Gavin, I believe this is a start of a beautiful partnership.

Gavin let out a little giggle and shook Ryan’s hand.

"We’ll see about that Ryan.”

<(“) ———————————–

Ryan tinkered around in the lab in his office. The song from a mechanical bird echoed around the office. A ring laid on its own platform not to far from the busy gent. The sound of the elevator caught his attention.

"You’re late dear.”

Gavin walked towards Ryan and wrapped his arms around his husband.

“Sorry love, work got a bit rough.”

Ryan let out a sigh as he stopped tinkering and put on his wedding ring.

“I think you’re confused.”

“Oh really? Explain.”

“Working here with me is your job. What you’re talking about is a hobby. A stupidly dangerous hobby that is giving me grey hairs.”

“I think that might be the kids Ryan.”

Ryan swept Gavin off his feet and into the bridal position. Carefully he sat in his office chair.

“No, Kerry, Quinn and the twins are busy doing homework and playing video games. Kerry might share a small part of the blame but most of this is your fault.”

Ryan pointed towards his sides where grey hairs have started to sprout.

“You see that! You did that!”

“You’re old Ryan, it happens.”

Gavin let out a yelp as Ryan pinched his ass.

“What was that dear?”

“What are you going to do? Punish me?”

Ryan let out a a growl before pining Gavin to their desk.

“Does that answer your question my queen?”

“You never did let that go.”

“And never will. Solar Queen has a nice ring to it.”

“Well so does Mad King, my liege.”

Ryan let out a groan as he buried his face into Gavin’s neck.

“Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

Gavin began to gently comb Ryan’s hair with his fingers.

“Trust me, I know.”

The couple was thankful that Hilda convinced Gavin to install the 'DO NOT DISTURB’ light back then. It turned out to be very useful.

IM YELLING REAL LOUD!!!! THIS IS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT first of all vav just fucking attracting sparrows is hysterical and also the fucking! the bird! the mechanical bird! lordy lord i want him to have that always now holy shit!  i love it. its so good

[localqueerdad]

close these green eyes.

pairing: gavin/jeremy word count: 4055 warnings: unhealthy coping mechanisms, implied alcohol abuse, implied sex, implied past abuse. none of these are graphic, but please stay safe.

[read on ao3]

more than anything i want to save you from myself

- rupi kaur

there is a hole inside gavin’s chest that he can never seem to fill.

he’s tried everything; getting blackout drunk on rooftops in the middle of the night, leaving bars with attractive strangers and leaving their dingy apartments at five in the morning, pills, cars, anything he could think of. it had done nothing but widen the hole, and now it was this gaping mass ripping through his lungs that was invisible to everyone else but him.

the thing with him, gavin supposes, is that he tried to force himself to do things he knew he wouldn’t like. he had never liked sex, never understood the supposed passion or thrill of it, but he would go around with anyone who smiled at him from across a darkly lit room. the alcohol was always cheap and burnt his throat and made him cry, and the pills were just shit, really. his binder was always too tight and his ribs were black and blue and yellow and he was choking to death in the heat of it all. it was his self-destruction, and it was far from beautiful. these were ugly shards of glass littering his bathroom floor, and there was nothing he could do to stop himself from shattering over and over and over again.

there was always a catalyst for these extended periods of agonising memories that he wanted to drown out. when he first left miserable england for even more miserable los santos, he was bad for weeks on end. he doesn’t quite remember how long it lasted, but he knows it was too long. he sorted himself out eventually, settled in and unpacked his tiny suitcase and made a living.

he begins as vav, a small-time hacker that gradually grows bigger among underground circles. every damn criminal seems to want him to work for their filthy cause, but gavin remains freelance. it’s the only control he has. there’s a certain thrill to his work that he never achieved on his worst nights, and he thinks there is some kind of twisted irony in that. he can work himself to the bone and feel something, but when he drinks he doesn’t feel anything but the coldness in his bones.

during the first three years, gavin lives in the same old shitty little apartment he rented as an eighteen-year-old kid who had run away from home. ‘home’ was said lightly – his only memories of that were far and few between, with raised voices and bruises and broken bottles. no. he has never had a home. but this apartment in a back alley in one of the worst cities in the state is as close to home as he has, so he’ll take it. theoretically, he could move out; hacking pays well, especially when you’re as well known as vav is. but he doesn’t want to chance another bad spree again.

he’s doing fine. he’s coping. there may be too many prescription pills on his kitchen counter and coffee mugs littering his eyes and purple rings are imprinted underneath his eyes but he’s not getting bad again. he isn’t.

(he is.)

gavin goes to the shadiest bar he can find and he hates himself for it. he buys too many shots and sees a cute guy from across the room and loses the slither of self-control he possesses. the guy is nice, a little bit older than him and wealthy judging by the notes gavin sees in his wallet when he goes to pay for their drinks. he allows the guy to drive them to his nice apartment in the nicer side of the city, a penthouse with floor to ceiling windows and a plush carpet and fancy smelling shit. his bed is nice too. the sex, not so much, but not the worst he’s had.

he lies next to the guy in the bed for a few hours afterwards, listening to his quiet snores and staring blankly at the ceiling. he wants to feel something other than this terrifying numbness. he wants a life where he gets to wake up next to someone he actually loves rather than a one night stand who he’s about to walk out on.

there are two very clear rules gavin has set out for occasions like these: do not give them his number, and do not let them tell him their name.

he leaves at six in the morning and almost feels bad, before realising that he has a job at eleven and immediately switching to his professional mode. it’s easier for him to file all the sides of himself and push them to the side when he has a job to do. personal shit always gets in the way.

another year passes, and gavin has moved apartments twice. there have been one too many slip ups due to his own idiocy, and a nauseating anxiety has moved in with his thundering numbness.

at least he has a friend now. michael. mogar. demolition expert extraordinaire and resident creep puncher. gavin had been on a long streak of bad days when he had been cornered outside of a bar by a man demanding gavin to give him his wallet in a voice that sounded too much like the one in his nightmares. a moment before gavin falls apart, a flurry of curly brown hair and angry yelling appears from nowhere, grabbing the guy in a headlock and beating him to shit.

gavin gains a split lip and a best friend from new jersey all in the same evening. and he didn’t even have to bang michael to get him to stay. score.

michael confides in gavin a lot, and he does too. they learn that they can only trust one another in this city full of hatred. michael tells him about the blistering rage which reverberates from his head to his toes, in every atom of his being, and gavin tells him about the numbness which squeezes his chest until he can’t breathe. he tells gavin about how the fire helps him rein the fury in, rubbing his scarred knuckles, and gavin tells him how he only feels okay when he has a mask on. gavin tells michael about his childhood, or lack thereof, and shows him the scars on his back, forgetting that he is wearing a binder. michael laughs and lifts his shirt to reveal his own binder. they smile at each other. it’s not perfect, this fragile friendship built on mario kart and soda, but it’s theirs.

two years later, and their little crew has expanded to fit another friend and a cat. michael meets lindsay ten months after he saved gavin, and they become close so quickly it makes gavin dizzy. lindsay, ruby rose, has this glow about her, a hopeful energy that is infectious to everyone but him. she still wraps him around her pinky though, just as she does to michael, and she fits right in. there are nights where she wakes up screaming, and at the beginning both of them would rush to her side. michael and lindsay start dating two months later and gavin stays in his bed when he hears her yell in the middle of the night.

it wasn’t like gavin was completely alone. he dated a girl he met in a club on a good night for a few months, and it had been good. she had fireworks in her eyes and constantly changing hair and gavin had liked that fluidity. her ability to change. he buys a cat and she hates the thing, but she deals with it because, for whatever reason, she likes gavin. and gavin is happy and his head is quiet and the numbness isn’t as deafening. that doesn’t last though.

their relationship ends after five months, and it’s no one’s fault but his. he becomes distant, stops answering her texts and calls, and she gets tired of it. they’re still friends, she tells him. she cares about him. she just doesn’t want this… nothingness.

so gavin has his cat and his two friends. he’s okay with that. he isn’t getting bad again.

(he is.)

gavin doesn’t go to a bar this time. he doesn’t go out drinking or stand on the edge of a skyscraper or anything like that. he doesn’t leave his bed. sleep is a blessing, and he abuses it until he can’t sleep anymore. then, he stares at the ceiling until he blacks out.

michael and lindsay start getting worried after two days, and they get outright frantic after four days when gavin retreats to the bathroom and refuses to open the door. he just wants it to be quiet. a half empty whisky bottle lies next to him and his phone lies smashed across the tiles next to the bath tub. michael is pounding his fists against the door now, and lindsay is attempting to coax him out, but everything is fuzzy.

a sudden realisation strikes him. he is hurting the people he loves. who love him. he is never going to get better and he knows this, but his two friends don’t. they have no clue what is wrong with him. they don’t know that he is broken beyond repair.

they leave after a while, and gavin hears michael yell in frustration and muffle a sob. he stays in the bathroom until they retreat to their room, and he unlocks the door. he presses his forehead against his knees for a second, his hands gripping his legs, and then pushes himself off the floor. he leaves the bottle and his phone, and he walks out of the apartment in a daze.

he isn’t sure how he gets to the bar, but he does, and it’s a fairly decent one so he goes inside. he realises that he forgot to put on his jacket before he left and he is freezing. the bar is warm and crowded, bustling bodies and spilt alcohol and he, with his tired eyes and dark circles and messy hair, sticks out like a sore thumb. he grabs a seat by the bar and orders the first drink he sees on the menu. when it arrives, he stirs it idly and doesn’t drink it.

everyone here has someone. this probably isn’t a place you go on your own, which might be why the barkeeper looked at him oddly. that, or he wants to have sex with him. could be either one, really.

gavin is alone. he has no one.

some guy sits next to him and orders a drink, and gavin turns his head to get a better look at him. he has obnoxiously green hair and kind eyes with dark circles that rival his underneath. he catches gavin’s gaze and smiles. gavin looks back at the menu.

the guy gets his drink and exhales slowly, drawing gavin’s attention back to him. “so, what’s your name?”

“what?”

“your name. since you were looking at me.”

gavin flushes involuntarily, and the guy’s smile widens.

“i don’t like names. they’re stupid.” he says, taking a sip of his drink.

“well, i’ll start,” he holds out a hand for gavin to shake. “i’m jeremy.”

gavin stares blankly at jeremy’s outstretched hand and moves his gaze back up to his face. jeremy lowers his hand, rolling his eyes.

“you’re english, right? you know you’re like, a walking stereotype.”

“and you’re a kid with dumb hair who approached a stranger in a bar,” he deadpans, a slight lilt to his words.

jeremy looks him over for a moment, before snorting with laughter. “touché, bitch.”

they talk for what seems like forever, about anything and everything they can find. gavin laughs, and jeremy’s smile makes him forget his numbness for a bit. it doesn’t last though, and jeremy looks at his phone and jumps up, pulling his coat on.

“i’m sorry, i have to go, it’s super late.” he shows the time to gavin and he’s right. 23:56.

gavin shrugs and offers him a tiny smile. “it’s cool. i’ll see you around, yeah?”

a look of nervousness passes over jeremy's face, and he hesitates for a second. “give me your hand.” he says, pulling out a pen from his coat pocket.

“wait – what are you doing?”

his hand is warm as he holds gavin’s left hand still, scribbling numbers in biro quickly. he looks them over quickly and nods, before shooting a grin at gavin.

“you better not leave me hanging.”

with that, he’s out of the door and gavin sits there staring at jeremy’s number which has been scrawled on his hand. what a whirlwind.

gavin knows his rules. do not give them his number, and do not let them tell him their name. he’s already broken one rule. why not another?

he feels okay as he walks home in the chilly breeze, before breaking out of his fog and remembering that he broke his phone. he threw a phone against the wall and drank half a bottle of whisky and left the apartment without telling anyone.

michael was going to fucking kill him.

a few weeks pass and gavin still hasn’t texted jeremy. he feels bad about it, but not as bad as he feels about worrying michael and lindsay to death. they didn’t kill him, not really; there was yelling and a few angry tears and a very tight hug but they said they understood. just don’t do it again. since then, they had been hovering over him like mother hens, but he didn’t mind. it was nice, having people who care about him.

the piece of paper with jeremy’s number sleeps on his bedside table, and a month afterwards he decides to give it a shot. he buys a new phone and boots it up, procrastinating by finding cool wallpapers and adding his contacts. jeremy’s number is the last one he enters, and he does so with shaking fingers.

he types out a greeting and looks at it, then deletes it. he does this again and again until his eyes begin to blur and phone number two is about to meet its grisly end against a wall. michael swoops in before that happens though, dodging gavin’s feeble attempts to grab his phone and ignoring his threats.

“what’s this, boi?” michael asks, holding the phone out of gavin’s reach and showing the screen to him. gavin deflates against his friend and michael instantly softens. he puts the phone down on gavin’s bedside table and sits him down on the bed, sitting next to him and looking at him expectedly.

“he’s just this dude I met a few weeks ago. it’s nothing, really, i just completely disappeared on him and, um – "

michael holds up a finger to stop his rambles, and takes a deep breath. “wait, is this from that really bad night you had?” gavin nods. michael shakes his head at him and lets a dark chuckle escape his mouth. “you’re a real piece of work, gavin.”

he stands up and grabs gavin’s phone from the table, pausing for a moment before chucking it at gavin. he lets out a squawk as he falls backwards, and he hears michael laugh properly this time.

“text the fucking dude, man. and eat dinner with me and lindsay later.”

he leaves gavin alone with the stark white background of his text glaring at him, and he decides screw it. he types out a ‘hey, this is gavin!’ and an apology, and sends it. he stares at the screen for a minute, and then lets it fall to his side as he stares at the ceiling. worry echoes through his mind and he thinks about if he should delete the message or just completely destroy his phone. maybe move to canada, change his name, all because a damn boy wouldn’t text him back.

a ping from next to him snaps him out of his thoughts and he rolls onto his stomach and picks his phone up. jeremy.

the text is short and to the point, but it’s open ended and fills gavin with hope. he pushes it to the pit of his stomach and asks him if he wants to get a drink sometime. jeremy replies two minutes later with a yes. gavin wiggles around to grin at the ceiling and holds the phone to his chest.

they date for three months before gavin starts spiralling again. what they have is incredible, and gavin feels dizzy from how much he likes this green haired man who waltzed into his life and refused to leave. he doesn’t know about how bad gavin can get though, and he doesn’t want jeremy to find out. they’ve shared plenty of ugly secrets, but this bogeyman hunts gavin and he can’t burden anyone with it.

that doesn’t stop it from creeping up on him and he gets bad again, which becomes apparent to jeremy when gavin snaps at him for accidentally knocking a glass off the counter and smashing it against the floor. gavin jumps and recoils away, and jeremy instantly looks concerned, opening his mouth to ask if he’s okay and to pity him. gavin strikes before he can say anything, venomous words that he doesn’t really mean hanging in the air, and it is jeremy’s turn to recoil. he recovers faster than gavin, and spits his own venom at him, walking out of the kitchen into the living room.

gavin pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. he glances at the broken glass and kneels to clean it up, and cuts himself on the first piece he picks up. it stings, but he throws it in the bin and keeps picking shards of glass up. he doesn’t realise that he’s crying until he hears jeremy’s soft voice next to him, and turns around to look at his boyfriend through tear filled eyes.

jeremy’s eyes widen with shock, and he gently holds gavin’s elbow to help him up. he leads him to the couch in the living room and sits him down, murmuring that he’ll be right back and vanishing again. gavin chokes back a sob as he looks at his hands and sees the cuts that litter his significantly paler than usual skin. he’s so stupid, so stupid, and now jeremy’s going to leave him because everyone leaves him and there’s no point in trying anymore.

the floorboard creaks and the couch sinks as jeremy sits next to gavin with a miniature first aid kit, one leg hanging off the edge and the other resting on the couch. he pulls gavin towards him and he goes easily, allowing jeremy to clean his cuts and cover then with plasters. quiet hums fill the air as he works, and when he’s done he holds onto gavin’s hands for a second.

gavin looks up at him, green eyes full of fear, and something in jeremy melts.

they readjust themselves so that gavin’s head rests on jeremy’s leg, and jeremy’s fingers are in gavin’s hair, and it’s so peaceful gavin could cry. so, he does.

“d’you wanna talk about it?” jeremy asks, breaking the fragile silence.

gavin’s breath hitches and he closes his eyes briefly. he looks up at this wonderful man through his eyelashes, and sees nothing but genuine love and concern. he nods. “i… i don’t know what’s wrong with me really, i’m sorry, i am, just – god.”

“hey, it’s okay,” jeremy says softly, “you don’t have anything to be sorry about. i care about you and i want you to be – shit, are you okay?”

tears are falling down gavin’s cheeks like miniature rivers as he sniffs and tries to wipe them away with his sleeve, pushing himself up and turning around so that he faces jeremy. he’s still crying, and now he’s getting frustrated and it’s obvious apparently because jeremy lifts a hand to gavin’s cheek to brush away his tears.

he covers his hand over jeremy’s and leans into it, the safety, the security, and he knows he’s okay.

“i, um. sometimes i have these really bad days and uh, there isn’t anything i can do to stop them, y’know? just, bad memories will spring up and i get irritable and sad and i can’t leave my bed. you deserve better than me, i’m just,” he lifts his hand from jeremy’s to gesture at himself, “nothing.”

“i don’t think that’s true.” gavin squints his eyes at him, and jeremy shakes his head and links their fingers together. “seriously. just because you have bad days doesn’t make you unlovable. i have bad days too.”

“you don’t get it,” gavin’s voice rises and jeremy lifts an eyebrow at his tone shift. “i’m a bad person, jeremy, i am, i do terrible things and i hurt people and i can’t stop it. i can’t.”

“let me help you then.” he says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. it is, gavin supposes, and he’s taken aback.

“i think i love you, jeremy.”

jeremy smiles, big and bright. “i think i love you too. wanna move in?”

“yeah.”

gavin moves into jeremy’s apartment a week later, and michael, the melodramatic son of a bitch, clings to his leg as he attempts to carries the last of the boxes to the car. he pries michael off without the help of lindsay and jeremy, who are cackling in the corner and mocking them both, and gives him a proper hug goodbye. not an actual goodbye, really, now that they have a crew.

the fake ah crew.

ramsey and pattillo had found him, vav, the day after gavin’s breakdown, and after a few negotiations and tweaks, they were all on board. gavin was going to refuse their offer, but jeremy convinced him not to, and so gavin convinced ramsey to recruit him, lindsay and michael as well.

vav didn’t feel right for him anymore. not with all the memories of who he used to be. vav felt out-dated and distant now. he says this much to jeremy as they drive to their new apartment, and he laughs and tells him to check the glove compartment.

gavin pulls a pair of tacky gold sunglasses out, and takes one look at them before dissolving into howling laughter. he presses the back of his head against the seat and takes a few breaths to calm down. a few giggles escape his lips as he put them on, and these escalate as he flips the mirror down to look at himself.

“jeremy, i look – i look so stupid, jeremy!”

“i think you look great, buddy.” he looks at gavin for a second and pats his leg, before turning his attention back to the road. “y’know what might be a good name for you now that you’re ditching vav?”

“what?”

“the golden boy. gotta have a theme.”

gavin snorts and nods, glancing at the mirror again before flipping it closed.

it’s a year later, and gavin and jeremy are relaxing on the roof of their penthouse apartment, their legs dangling over the edge. jeremy’s head is on gavin’s shoulder, and he presses a kiss against his head and leans his head on his. the fake’s are infamous now, and they are at the top of the world. they are mortal gods in a dying city, and they love each other in the midst of their newfound chaos.

gavin still has bad days. he doesn’t go to seedy bars anymore or drink himself silly; instead, he’d hide in bed or cling to jeremy and he would let him. the numbness is still there, but it’s quieter, and he can feels invincible sometimes. this might be the happiest he has ever been. it's good.

the masks still litter his bathroom floor, but now it’s accompanied by gold eyeliner and loose bills. the golden boy is different to vav, different to gavin free, and that is the beauty of it all. his life is in the thrill of the chase, in blood and green screens and lil j’s sniper rifles. gavin’s is in the night sky, soft smiles and familiar green hair.

he still thinks that he is going to crash and burn one day, but this isn’t it. he isn’t going anywhere.

the night slips through his fingers and he finds that it is a little easier to breathe.