#And then I do the whole cutting myself off emotionally thing bc I know that people have things to do

[zemnarihah]

much to think about.

[r0bee]

They should invent a defensively keeping your expectations at rock bottom that doesn't make letting yourself raise your hopes the tiniest bit crush you completely.

[icequeenlila]

Neteyam was wronged

This whole post is my point of view on things. Just an opinion. If you get offended you are a child.

Look at him. Look at the suppressed anger in his eyes.

Just a few more years. A few more years for him to grow up, to become his own person, to gain more confidence and he wouldn't take this shit anymore. He wouldn't just duck his head when his parents ask "Where have you been?". Wouldn't apologize after hearing "You are his older brother. You are supposed to look after him.". Bc it's not his fucking fault that his parents lack in taking care of their children.

It's not his fault that Jake is unable to keep Lo'ak in check. That man is so emotionally cut off to his youngest son, that he can't even understand why he is behaving the way he is. He get's so frustrated with Lo'ak, bc he can't understand his motivations, his feelings. Bc, he doesn't put in the effort to just talk! To ask! To try to understand!

Is he entitled to tell Lo'ak off after he screwed up? Yes, of course he is. But that's just not how it works. There are two sides. Discipline, yes. Jake is good at that. But you also have to give your kids confidence, you have to reassure them, make them feel save. So, they will have the trust and confidence to talk to you, to reach out to you when they feel they need help or just love. Bc they are kids. Kids want their parents' love. No matter their age.

Just fucking talk to your children or the result will be this. You'll have a misbehaving child, you just can't figure out, bc basically you don't know them.

I'm getting a bit off the tracks but hear me out, pls.

Jake is trying. I know he does. And it's okay to make mistakes, bc it's just impossible to do everything right. Especially in parenting. But what's not okay, is to blame your mistakes onto someone else. Onto your oldest child. Bc Neteyam is their fucking child. Their child!

I'm repeating myself, bc Jake and Neytiri just seem to have forgotten that Neteyam is not responsible for his younger siblings. At least not to the extend his parents are expecting of him. He is the oldest but he is a child nevertheless. Their child. And he deserves to be treated as such. He deserves to get parented and not to be the parent.

May I remind you that Neteyam was the only person, who even noticed that Lo'ak was missing? I mean HELLO! The boy was missing for almost a day. It's literally night and neither Jake nor Neytiri think it suspicious their son isn't home yet. And still Neteyam get's scolded for not looking after his brother, despite him being the only one to notice bis absence?

What. The. Fuck.

They are at war, yes. They have all kinds of problems and things to take care of and like I said, everyone makes mistakes. But Jake and Neytiri decided to have kids, they decided to bring them into this world, to adopt Kiri. So, they are stuck with being their fucking parents. Not Neteyam! He didn't have a word in this and still he gets pushed into the parental role.

War. Yes. But as a parent you are always responsible for your children. You. Nobody else. Especially not your oldest child. Bc they are a child.

Neteyam is a child. Mostly grown up but still their child. Child! Child!

I just want to scream that into Jake and Neytiri's face. There were cute moments in the movie, yes. But most of their interactions just made me mad.

Just a few more years and Neteyam would've been able to step up for himself. Bc at some point you just realize how wrong the family dynamics are. But for that you need experience, you need time.

Neteyam didn't have time.

+

I'll probably make a part 2 on Lo'ak.

And a part for the whole "Who's fault is it" thing, bc that shit is fucked up.

Like I said, comment if you have something to say, but be kind. I will be kind in return.

Have a nice day and bye✨💙

[bonerot19]

For the fic game 14, 20, and 29! (Or 30 if there's something you want to share that's not one of those or even on the list!)

hi hi hi!

for this ask game

14 - If you could see one of your fics adapted into a visual medium, such as comic or film, which fan fic would you pick? oh man. I consume a lot of TV shows and movies, like, I once tried to make a list of all the TV shows I’ve ever watched and I got distracted somewhere in the 200s. anyway, I love TV as a medium and sometimes I have to stop myself from writing as though my thing is a TV show, if that makes any sense? I think something in the static as a TV show would be so cool

20 - What’s a favorite title for a fic you’ve written? seventeen going under. I’ll never top that, I’m afraid

29 - Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.) okay okay okay. I don’t know for sure that I never plan on finishing this bc I have like.

a whole fucking thing outlined. but I have no current plans for it. this scene is from a fic where Jason is Red Hood and he’s semi-reconciled with, like, Dick and Babs. Tim and Damian are studying him like a bug. he finds it all very annoying. Steph and Jason are buddies. Bruce can go fuck himself, he’s emotionally constipated. anyway. it’s a Bruce Being a Bitch fic, thinking Jason came back different but really Bruce is the one that changed. and I just don’t have it in me to write that rn

this part is quite a bit into the fic, after Bruce realizes that Jason isn’t the monster Bruce has been pretending he is. (featuring my favorite Jason trope: looking after a warehouse full of homeless kids)

“I’m sorry, Jason,” Bruce said, so quietly, Jason almost didn't hear.

“This is their safe place, B. I would have given anything to have this when I was a kid. You do not get to just show up here.”

“Jay —“

“I don’t care,” Jason shook his head and turned away. “Do you remember the first couple of weeks I spent at the manor? I had a meltdown because I couldn’t figure out what set you off, I couldn’t figure it out. And I broke down and I asked you when you were going to fucking hit me.”

Jason turned back around, staring into the blank mask of Batman. “And you told me that you wouldn’t. You promised and then you spent the next year trying to prove that to me. I promised these kids I would keep them safe and there’s one big difference between you and me. Do you know what it is?”

Jason gave him a minute. The last few drops of hope evaporating as the silence stretched on. Jason wanted to scream. He wanted to take Bruce by the shoulders and shake him.

Bruce didn’t answer.

“I keep my fucking promises.”

[youngke]

list eight shows for your followers to get to know you! thank u for tagging me lovely juliaaaaa @raplinenthusiasts 🥰 will be adding comments hence 'read more' cut incoming!

BREAKING BAD (2008-2013) / BETTER CALL SAUL (2015-2022): i'm nOT TRYING TO CHEAT with the first entry but brba literally changed my life. (met one of my best friends EVER through that show for instance!!) and later on bcs somehow managed to flip that blueprint while being in the same universe of the original show. vince gilligan and peter gould created masterful, succulent narratives that don't simply hold up upon rewatch too - they get better and better the more details you glean between the frames.

THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE (2018): mike flanagan projects hit different for me, but none more so than hill house. it is an adaptation in every sense of the word (you'll get a different yet equally fulfilling experience reading the shirley jackson source material) but the differences lead us to a heartbreaking story that is unflinchingly real. it really showcases that "horror" isn't confined to certain genre conventions. rather, it thematically threads through every facet of life. accepting that and coming to terms with what scares us most can provide the healing we need.

MARVEL'S DAREDEVIL (2015-2018): i admit to being a sucker for the ~gritty superhero aesthetic. also found families. then the melodrama of losing/regaining them. go ahead and emotionally scar me with erstwhile religious guilt and it scratches a narrative itch i love to indulge in.

THE NEWSROOM (2012-2014): on the flip side, aaron sorkin bombast - all the heartrending swell that comes with it - is also wildly entertaining to me. this series in particular came out when i was toying with the idea of being a broadcast journalist myself (went to school for it and everything) and it was fascinating to hinge some of my hopes of what newsrooms could be. this show has one of my favorite pilots ever.

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS (2018-2019): the only good thing facebook watch ever did and they went ahead and canceled it... this underrated rumination on what it means to move on after a loved one's death once again falls into the Too Real™ category. it's heavy so i will provide fair warning before recommending it to anyone. but if like me you garner comfort from seeing hard topics depicted in fictional form, you'll understand why i wanted, more than anything, for this show to continue til a satisfying close.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA (2005-present): my white idiots. that is all.

THE OA (2016-2019): this was too ahead of its time which pisses me off to no end because MORE PEOPLE NEEDED TO APPRECIATE BRIT AND ZAL'S ARTISTRY. their commitment to testing the boundaries of our beliefs and understanding about humanity as a whole is unrivaled. through sci-fi/fantasy tropes they encourage us to be there and care for each other despite unanswerable questions. there are things we simply cannot know about the power of human connection, and that's okay. love anyway.

LODGE 49 (2018-2019): these two years in particular seems to have provided me with the best, most impactful television and i am not complaining. everything i love surrounds death and how to deal with it. moreover, in the case of lodge 49, we're expressly told again and again that being where we are is enough. despite living in the shadow of sorrow and loss, we deserve tranquility and acceptance just as we are. aaand now i just convinced myself to do a rewatch.

tagging @satellitemp4 @tbelchers @cordiallyfuturedwight @captainbobbiedraper @garethsedwards @girlpash @ellargent @betharmon 🤍

[dream-to-be-frog]

I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but while I don't really think Pedro's a bad actor overall, so far I've been underwhelmed by HBO's version of Joel. They're trying so hard to play into the whole soft daddy aspect of Pedro's previous roles all because they want to make Joel more "likable". The way I knew this was going to happen when he was cast 🙄

so far it’s very interesting for me because there are some scenes where i’m like wow that was good others where i’m like. what was that.

i am enjoying the show, and i think pedro is doing pretty well but… i do agree? i’m trying to keep an open mind still but it’s like—

the crying last episode pissed me off a little. the joel in the game does not know how to identify a single emotion besides like, i dunno. protectiveness and rage?? i love that man but he is not emotionally intelligent. (the only man i love who i’d allow to be this way.)

by cutting out ALL the action i think they aren’t able to demonstrate how brutal joel can be. nothing about him in this show so far indicates to me that this man can single-handedly slaughter a whole hospital of fireflies like. it just doesn’t make sense

this version of joel is not only softer but he also can’t hold his own as well?? i like that they wanted to make him a middle aged man and not a tank and that comes with some limitations but ellie has probably saved him as many times as he’s saved her. my biggest complaint is that it seems like they’re companions because ellie doesn’t know how to travel west and has less experience. part of his considering himself a father comes with protecting her and getting protective of her. we literally don’t see that. i know they can’t have hella action scenes but i’d like at least a little bit of joel being brutal and a little unhinged bc that’s the whole point of his character—to show the lengths he’ll go to to protect her.

i’m not sure or not if the softness could be owed to pedro as a person in terms of casting, but i do agree they’ve taken away some of his gray morality. we keep hearing he killed people with tommy, killed innocents but nothing we see ever backs that up. part of what makes joel so compelling is that he’s objectively not really a good person, but he IS fundamentally human in a way that’s so relatable and logical that we forgive the literal atrocities lol

i started drafting this last week before the left behind episode but going into david next week, i think what’s going to make or break the joel thing for me is if he tortures those people trying to find where ellie is. without the torture scene i have no clue how the end will possibly make sense given what we know about him. and i really do think it’s more a thing of the script and the tv format (and only nine episodes!) not giving enough time to focus on everything much more than it is about the actors themselves (i think they’re doing pretty good, acting-wise—especially bella)

in some ways, i feel like the underwhelming feeling can some from the less drama. i get again why they can’t have too many fight scenes or whatever, but in some cases this really lowers the stakes and so it just feels less dramatic. even him getting rebar’d was so dramatic, and while i get that a normal person (not video game dads) can’t live through getting stabbed clean through, i feel like they could have still made him fall on something sharp but it’s much smaller and doesn’t go through his whole stomach? like i feel like there could have been some happy medium where it was realistic but also more dramatic and high stakes

i feel like i repeated myself a lot and i’m never good at drafting these things bc i just spit out words and don’t think about it but. i DO think it’s very enjoyable to watch, even if i think some things weren’t done quite as effectively. the way i’m thinking about it is that more than anything, this show is just a supplement to the game, as a little bonus feature. the game will still be there, as perfect and glorious as it always is.

[tumblasha]

vacation review: taiwan

overall rating: ★★★★/5

cities visited (chronologically): taipei, taichung, kaohsiung, taitung

the good parts

i got to see Moomf (micosu oomf)

i got over the "i can't visit a country if i don't know the language" feeling

nature everywhere

night markets were so fun!

at least half of the population wears a mask at all times (even outside of taipei where the air quality is nicer!)

every train station + tourist spot had a stamp area so now i have a lil booklet filled with taiwanese stamps :,)

food! especially boba and soups :DD -so much liquid.

traveling on the back of a scooter is so mind-numbing, i love being a passenger princess

the bad parts

taipei's air pollution is a lil sad but def not the worst

getting over the jetlag and post-vacation sadness T_T

they killed that duck that i saw in that one tumblr post

overall summary

i think that taiwan is an excellent place for people of all places to visit! especially if you know english, everyone is really nice to english-speakers and makes an effort to gesture-speak or google translate through every conversation

this may be insensitive, but i think that the "made in taipei" brand (country pride of having many ~cultural influences) really works for tourism. previously, i saw friends and co-workers take their japan trip and do all the kawaii things (sanrio store, snoopy cafe, studio ghibli museum, etc), and got sad. taichung really embraces manga, anime, and other kawaii-adjacent things, and it satisfied my desire to go to japan. i've been having a hard time with co-existing with appreciating the good side of japan (mostly art and media) and learning abt the bad sides (colonial history), so it was nice being able to get a positive experience with low "double-think"

on post-vacation sadness

idk why but this was the first time that i came back from a vacation and i was Sad. like, maybe it's bc i got my period mid-trip and it was some weird post-period hormonal thing?? but i doubt it

looking back, i think that i have never truly been Alone until this trip? when i solo traveled in sp+pt, i was able to talk to the people in the hostel and go out with them. i wasn't able to talk to anybody bc a majority of the tourists spoke either mandarin or japanese, and idk either of those languages. i think that i was alone with my thoughts for too long -> leading to being on my phone too much -> leading to random bursts of crying (?) that lasted through a week after coming back to the US. it was bad enough that i took off all my jewelry and almost cut my hair X|

also any instagram posts that mentions taiwan / east asia kinda ruins my whole day. i wanna go backkkkkk

lessons learned

it's okay to be lost emotionally and physically! being alone is a constant battle of self-love and The Void

i need more international friends bc visiting them in their free time + their country of residence in their work time is so fun

i need to take more pictures of myself! i think somewhere in this trip i convinced myself to download dating apps again and i have no good pics. i also can't post a "taiwan photodump" on insta :(

tl;dr: go to taiwan! but go with friends!!

[izzy-b-hands]

So. I'm allowing myself a vent post or two abt Stuff in the Brain today that won't fuck off, but it'll all be under a cut if I feel I'm at risk of being too wordy so folks don't gotta see this if they don't wanna. And on this one I did get wordy, multi-paragraphs so. fair warning if u decide to be brave and read thru it lol

I'm behind on getting Mum a bday gift. Like two weeks behind. Partially bc money, partially bc the thing I really wanted to get her involves bidding on ebay and attempting to win a listing (and I just haven't managed it yet lmao), and partially bc like:

For once I've been living my life for me, thinking abt me and Housemate first and foremost, and focusing on what I actually want/need from day to day, and that means I'm away from my phone a bit more than usual, which means I've missed some calls and texts from Mum and just haven't been as Available via phone/apps/etc as I've been in the past

(including one time in the last week or so where Housemate and I stepped aside to the kitchen to make ourselves mac n cheese, and Mum was late to calling me for a planned call, so I figured I was safe to leave the phone by the couch while we cooked. Nope! In that less than half hour, 25 mins at most that it took us to finish mac and get plated up, she figured we'd both A. fallen down the stairs and were now dying from brain bleeds while the cats sniffed us in panic and fear B. decided to cut her out of my life forever and so now I wasn't going to be answering her calls (tho this point I didn't know until a much more recent text where she admitted to it and did say she was ashamed of feeling that way.) )

So I really need to get something out to her, either the chocolates I was planning on sending for her and the family from a local shop, the Snoopy Build-A-Bear plushie with a lil 'I miss you' tshirt and a voice thingy inside it with me telling her to remember that I love her and am always grateful for her help and care and things like that, whatever will fit lol (this is the fucker that triggered this whole train crash of a set of thoughts today lmao), and/or something from one of the ebay listings I've been trying to get (I just need to accept it and pay the buy it now price considering what the thing is isn't like. Uber rare? But apparently Bon Jovi doesn't have their figurines made any more, so they're a bit harder to find and I'm gonna risk not getting one at all if I don't just. do the dang thing lmao)

I'm thinking the Snoopy would be best/easiest for rn, but I keep getting stuck on what I'll say for the recording and it's so dumb but like:

I know, for the sake of both of us and the deeply grown and intertwined sort of emotionally incest-flavoured codependency Mum and I have, we probably should eventually try going NC or LC for at least like. a month or two in the future? Probably even a bit longer? Not as like a 'this is forever' thing (unless something would happen that would point to that as the best option for both of us), but just until we can maybe both heal a bit and work closer towards something even vaguely approaching a more normal mother/son relationship.

And the particular fear is very silly but like. I'd hate to say the things I have planned, that I mean (I do love her, and I know she does her best, and so I'm grateful for every bit and every sort of help she's ever given or will ever give me), and then we someday go NC or LC, and she's hurt by having the plush and audio around as a reminder of how things were before. I could see her throwing it away in a fit, and then being so sad and begging for a new one by the next day. And I'd want to get her one. I don't know if that's right of me or not.

Like, the trauma has me Entirely overthinking this and I know it's ridiculous, you know? But still. Got the Build-A-Bear tab open on my phone bc the chocolate is at least partially to be shared, so that's Not Enough as a partial belated bday gift; and I'd like to hit another paycheck (or part of it, since the uni rarely puts the full fucking direct deposit in on scheduled payday lmao) before I try for the Bon Jovi figurine (and hope it isn't bought before that point.) So the plush is really the best choice, and I don't want to wait any longer to send anything out bc like. Her bday was at the beginning of March, this is fucking ridiculous of me and not how I like handling gifts at all, for anyone!!

Fingers crossed I just. Get the fucking recording done, get it ordered and have them send it out to her, and that'll be enough until I can get my hands on a figurine and/or order the chocolates and candies for her, her bf, and to share with the rest of the family.

[thatbitchsimone]

I love you I love you

Thank you thank you

It’s a long story of circle of abuse, I used to save her from my father hitting her and few years later I had to save myself from both of them hitting me

I truly believe she’s evil, not what she does to me but to others also, she beats and humiliates not only me but the maids too, the other siblings are not beaten, the brother sometimes rarely but he’s her worshipper so i don’t think he minds.

I will get a job soon but I don’t think I can move out, it’s not very common here you know, and my father is like a influential guy, but hopefully when I earn my own money and cut her off I’ll be happy, we have a big house so living separately is possible.

I found out something today and it made me sick to my stomach, I have my whole life faced disgusting men, but turns out my brother is also one of them, he is after all my fathers and mothers son. he is an Andrew tate fanboy btw so you can guess his entire personality by that lolllllll.

I am so sorry this is alot of stuff to hear on a site where you are supposed to have fun, I am sending you apology hugs, take care 🫂❤️

Btw have you read the bell jar by Sylvia plath? It’s so depressing it’s taking me months to finish HAHAHAH

that is fucking awful and yes, i dont even believe in the whole concept of evil (i was raised without religion in a completely secular country + im very into psychology so good vs evil is not part of my worldview lol) but some behaviors even i just have to describe as evil and ur mom fits that pretty well like abusing ur own children is fucking evil. i have empathy for her to some extent since her behavior is clearly the result of her being abused herself like u said but it gets clouded by the absolute disgust and hatred and rage i feel for her for letting herself become the abuser herself and keeping the circle of abuse going by passing it on to her children. its one thing to not have the strength or power to stop ur husband from abusing ur kids, but straight up joining in on the abuse is a whole other level of disgusting and im so sorry u have to experience this.

but i do have to say that u seem like a genuinely good person like i really feel like u have so much kindness and love in ur heart and u seem like a very strong, sensible and intelligent girl and i get a strong feeling that the cycle of abuse is gonna end with u (as in, u wont be carrying it on and u will break free from it and if u have kids in the future u will be a good and loving mom to them) and i just wanna acknowledge that bc thats amazing and inspiring and i admire u so much like i just have so much admiration for u right now like u are everything u are the moment u are the vibe

anyway, glad to hear that u at least live in a big house so that u can at the very least have some space from her even tho u live together. i get that its not as easy or simple as some ppl think to ”just move out” especially if u live in a very family oriented culture where its not the norm to do so on top of it all so i think the best thing to do currently is to just kind of try to stay out of her way and honestly just not even listen to the bullshit she says bc her insults are kinda meaningless tbh bc lets be real, if u were skinny she would just use something else to criticize u for. she just wants to put u down in any way she can no matter what u look like. u could probably look like a damn supermodel or movie star and she would still find something to pick on and put u down for, bc she has issues. shes disturbed. her words are empty and her opinions on u are just completely irrelevant. why should u care if a deranged abusive sadist doesnt ”approve” of ur body and size? this woman thinks its ok to mentally torment everyone around her, even HER OWN CHILDREN that she just so happens to not just verbally and emotionally abuse but straight up physically abuse. shes a child abuser. actual scum of the earth. like honestly next time she says something about ur body or calls u fat or whatever this psychopath likes to call u just remind urself that this woman is actually disturbed and sick in the head like shes literally a terrible human being lol who the fuck is she to criticize anyone like ok so u got a little extra meat on ur bones meanwhile she is a deranged sadistic child abuser. like girl whatever flaw u may have is nothing compared to the flaws she has like u are so far above her in every way that actually matters like ur literally so much better than her in every way like shes actually pathetic.

sorry about ur brother btw. seems like us women can never catch a break from these male parasites that are crawling around everywhere these days. they just keep getting worse and worse now with all the andrew tate shit brainwashing them. thank god we women have each others backs in this vile current climate. sisterhood is so important, especially now with all this crazy shit going around.

and yes ofc ive read the bell jar! read it for the first time when i was 16 and have reread it a few times since then. its one of those books that deeply resonates with nearly every woman who reads it even now generations later like its truly timeless in that way thats why its so good

[aita-ghosting]

AITA for leaving my ex in a potentially abusive relationship?

(CW self harm, verbal and emotional abuse)

TL;DR I broke up with a poly couple and I'm afraid that one party is being abused by the other, but I don't feel comfortable reaching out.

I (23F) met ex A (28F) at work last year, she began flirting with me even though she was engaged to ex B (28F), but once they clarified being poly, I agreed to start dating A. Eventually, I got involved with B as well, and around that time, A became slower to respond to my texts. I sought comfort with B, who would give me updates about how A was sad that we didn't go out as much. I admt that I should have been more upfront—I'm pretty inexperienced with dating, let alone polyamory, and I didn't give A the attention she deserved. That's on me.

Eventually, A and I amicably broke up in February. She was very mature the whole time, setting boundaries while still being kind to me, and we ended the night well. The very next night, B calls me on speaker berating me about how I was treating A and going over the same issues I thought A and I already addressed. This talk greatly distressed both myself and A.

Still not seeing the red flags, I continued talking to B until my mental health took a nosedive a few weeks later. TL;DR for a mix of reasons my depression hit me hard and I relapsed on self harm. I did some things I'm not proud of, including berating myself in front of coworkers; for that, I'm TA. Regardless, realizing I need help and comfort, I called B, whose first words to me were "oh anon... you know what this means, right? You need to go see a therapist." Which, yeah, but that's not the first thing I need to hear in crisis!

After scheduling some appointments, I texted B hoping she'd be proud of me for taking care of myself. Instead she continued to berate me for "seeking attention" by hurting myself while on the clock. She broke up with me shortly afterwards, implying I wasn't mature enough for her bc I felt "grown up" scheduling a doctor's appointment (worth noting that my close friends WERE proud of me when I told them), and then admitted that an ex of hers once compared her to his former abuser. While playing it off. Yikes.

We tried to stay friends, but after once again being berated by her over text for not answering a simple question correctly, and then being low-key gaslit when I told her I felt scared around her (basically she told me I had no right to feel scared of her setting boundaries and that it was my fault anyway for "not being honest with [her]"), I decided, encouraged by some friends, to cut her off. I don't regret this action. Looking back, B was very much verbally and emotionally abusive to me. My only regret is not noticing sooner.

Back to A, who's the real person I'm worried about. We weren't as close, but we had a friendly working relationship. Recently, though, she was fired from work. She doesn't post on social media and I'm beginning to worry for her, since if B was so nasty to me, she must be even worse to her fiancee. However, because of the role A played in my hurt (remember, we worked together, and conversations she and I had were sometimes used against me by B), I do not feel comfortable reaching out; what if B finds out and gives me hell? I have B's number muted, but she knows where I live. Then again, this might be an irrational fear I'm using as an excuse to not reach out to someone who might need help. But then again then again, I might be reading too much into this and A's fine.

Ugh, I don't know. This is seriously eating me up and I don't know what the right thing is. WIBTA for ghosting A? Or should I suck it up and ask if she's okay?

[enbysforhongjoong]

please ignore:

im just using this as a means to express everything i haven’t had the ability to.

im tired. im tired of struggling. im tired of having happiness right between my fingers, so close yet the minute i set to embrace it, it disappears. im tired of the rollercoaster that is my mind, body and emotion. i feel i have no real control, that im deluding myself with the idea of control.

i wake up most days barely feeling human. i know who i am, things about myself but i dont feel real. my limbs dont feel to be my own, like im feeling things through the clothing that is my skin.

i want to be wanted as do most people. i was to feel emotionally and physically wanted but i feel as if it has to be one or the other. no one truly wants me and im at that point of questioning if its me. if my emotions are too much for even those who claim to love me. i understand it can be exhausting, trust me i do, but i feel i deserve that love and understanding mentally sound and neurotypical people get. i dont want to have to guess if theres a problem, i dont want to play guessing games on if im wanted or not, i dont want the hot n cold where u want me physically but cant bother to get to know me. i feel like if im not just my body then im just a therapist.

even in the platonic sense.

i feel like a means to an end. like at the end of the day my presence in the lives of those around me doesnt make much of a difference. im here to make sure certain people have their support system and are cared for but i dont get the same. it may sound full of myself to say but i truly dont feel i get loved and cared for the way i love and care for my friends, family and lover.

i tried starting a friendship recently… we were texting back and forth for about two weeks and ig they started questioning my intentions??? i genuinely dont know but i guess at the end of the conversation he basically said we could stay friends but he might start taking days or weeks to respond… i had just finished telling him the reason i enjoyed conversations was bc i felt like someone was actually interested in what i was saying and wanted to talk to me.

maybe its over dramatic to say but platonic rejection feels like romantic rejection to me. that heavy feeling on my heart, the feeling like its slowly shattering every time i wish to send a text or i think ab the conversation and how unwanted i felt after. its been swallowing me whole, consuming my brain in its entirety. i feel like im on fire but im drowning. i cant hold myself together because i feel like the tag on the back of someones shirt, those annoying ones you eventually cut off.

i just want to be normal, not feel every emotion i have the capacity to feel at its most intense every time i get the privilege of feeling. i wish i didnt feel like a hollow shell of a person, wish i didnt have to fill my senses and brain with books and fiction to escape the reality that i will never have that. i wish not being happy was something i didnt need to come to terms with.

i wish i was enough for literally anyone. i wish i could be myself without that shame or fear that it will be the reason im disliked, or it will be the reason people decide that im too much to be friends with. i wish i felt worthy of love, of support. i have so much hatred for myself and the circumstances that made me like this. i hate the way i was raised playing so much into my day to day. i people please bc its better than someone being mad. i let the mask slip with him and i feel like a fool.

if you chose to read this then thank you. its messy and unorganized but it wasnt intended to be a think piece or anything. just wanted to put my thoughts in a place where no one knows me.

[convexcave]

ugh ok i’m gonna talk abt my mom situation a little bit so that’s what’s under the cut cw for transphobia

so like an old friend who is… also friends with my mom reached out to me & acted like she was just reaching out to reach out but I have a sneaking suspicion that she was sent on a fact finding mission about my whole deal from my mom bc when she called she feigned ignorance about the whole cut my mom off thing & later subtly revealed that she had been told all of this by my mom already… & she wanted to go out to lunch with me to like catch up and we did because it has been a long time and like we are friends or at least I used to consider her a friend & like then the whole convo turned into her lecturing me abt detransitioners and how they regret destroying their bodies & how i’m perfect the way I am and I don’t need to change my body like ugh all that fucking annoying conservative rhetoric

so she was like you’re not gonna like cut your tits off right and I was like….. uh. at this point in my life I don’t really want to it’s not like that much of an issue for me anymore since going on testosterone and she was like phew ok good you call me before you make any decisions like that because I don’t want you mutilating your body

and she basically said it’s stupid for me to not get back into film acting at this point bc everyone’s casting transgenders and i’m like… but. I don’t want to. like I don’t want to act. i’m good at it I know and I know how to do it but it doesn’t make me happy and it doesn’t make me feel good

but anyway

my dad was there bc me can’t drive so. he drove me into town. and like he has yk 30 years of investigative experience & he told me afterward that the way she was asking questions she was most likely fishing for information from me & he was willing to bet that her and my mom are gonna be having a conversation shortly

and i’m just. I dunno

bc old friend also was like yeah my sister died in october and you know you always think you have all this time but you really don’t aka you should forgive your mom and i’m like… uh. urm… no. like

my quality of life has increase significantly since I removed her from my life, and she hasn’t shown that she’s grown or worked on all the issues that caused me to cut her off in the first place

& i asked my QPP what he thought and she said like being fully honest with myself would I regret not making up with my mom if she like died in an accident tomorrow and really I wouldn’t

i’ve spent my entire life catering to her emotions and trying to make sure that she’s happy and she’s comfortable and putting my own needs by the wayside to take care of her emotionally and if she is incapable of self reflection and change then I didn’t miss out on anything really

I cherish the good times that we had and i’m grateful for the good things she did for me in my childhood but those things don’t erase the neglect in something as key as emotional regulation

If she really wants a relationship with me again she has to go to therapy and take responsibility for all of her colossal fuck ups instead of wallowing in her grief over a daughter that she hasn’t really known since 2014 bc that’s all she’s doing. she’s sitting around being sad about it. like jesus christ. if you really want me back then go earn me back, but she’s never wanted to put that effort in for me so i’m not expecting her to

also I have communicated to her extremely directly that if she starts going to therapy regularly and working on her issues we can maybe start talking again and you know what she did? she fount tooth and nail against the idea saying she didn’t have time because of work (she’s literally family friends with her boss who is aware of our entire situation and if she knew why my mom had to leave an hour early once a week she’d have literally no issues with that) and that she can’t afford it (I did the research and found three therapists that specialize in single mothers and the trauma of raising a child alone all in her area who all take medicaid which my mom has)

and guess what she did finally get a therapist but she went to a fucking??? gender and sex therapist???? even when I sent her those three therapists that work with single mothers? I can’t wrap my head around it

but yeah I think i’m just pissed about the whole ohhh you’ll regret it thing like uh. maybe you regret how your relationship with your sister was when she died unexpectedly but i’ve literally done everything I had the energy to do like i’m fucking twenty I don’t need to be spending time trying to fix a fucking fifty year old adult woman’s self hatred issues, that’s her job

i’ve already grieved her, I wish I had a mom every day but I quite simply don’t and that’s just life, id rather not have a mom in my life than have one that makes me miserable

one last fun side note uh currently sleeping in the living room at my dads house & I can totally hear him and his wife fucking and it’s very awkie I grabbed my headphones & put on some music so i’m free for now but these bitches are on 10% so pray they get their shit done before they die bc I would like to live in ignorance

very… very excited to be back in my own house….. i’ve been trying to live in the moment but I would not like to be living in this moment right now ngl

[lightandwinged]

It’s been a hot minute since I said anything about my life on here bc people just... haven’t been around? I guess? Or maybe I haven’t felt the need to, I don’t know. BUT there are important updates, and I can break them down into three categories:

1. I’m sterile, but this time, it’s on purpose.

2. I have an official diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

3. I’m going to fight God in a Wendy’s parking lot.

Sterility-wise: after Roe got undone in June, I decided that even though the odds of me getting accidentally pregnant are very small, I wanted to make those odds zero. My health is Very Not Good (more on that in a minute), and while emotionally, I’d love to have a fourth kid, it’s just not practical right now. And I didn’t want anyone to control whether or not that happens but me.

So I called my OB-GYN, the one who took care of me through both of my pregnancies, and on October 3, I officially had a bilateral salpingectomy, meaning that my fallopian tubes no longer exist. Ideally, I would’ve kept them in a jar of ether or something for Maximum Creepiness, but that’s also not practical with three kids (two of whom are four-year-old twins), so instead, they were shipped off to pathology and then discarded as medical waste. Before, I couldn’t get pregnant because my body was just a dick. It was still a possibility, but a remote one. Now, though, this one thing is completely in my hands. If I really do want to be pregnant, if Kyle and I decide at some point that we want one or two or six more kids, we’ve got six embryos in storage.

But for now: my body is mine and mine alone. Nobody gets to decide who lives here but me. And that feels really fucking good.

Fibro-wise: about two years ago, I dealt with a major spine injury. Nothing paralyzing, nothing severe, but it left me with permanent nerve damage in my left leg and sent me to the ER in excruciating pain on Thanksgiving Day (definitely my worst Thanksgiving, 0/10, I want a refund). Calling it traumatic is severely understating the matter; any time I feel the slightest twinge in my back or left side nowadays, I have to talk myself down from panicking that it’s starting all over again.

Worse, I couldn’t get any of it treated because of insurance bullshit. Kyle’s company laid him off around the beginning of the pandemic, and then his new job laid him off exactly a week before I was due to have the surgery that would have solved my issue entirely. I lost my insurance, and the hospital didn’t want to accidentally have me foot the bill for it, so the surgery got put off and put off and canceled. By the time Kyle found his current (and very excellent) job and got on their insurance, the spine issue had technically resolved itself, but not before leaving me with zero feeling in a lot of areas of my left leg and with a foot that likes to cramp up randomly because it’s a little slow to get the nerve signals that it’s time to move a certain way. It’s awesome.

Shortly after the injury itself, I found myself getting really tired, really easily. I was also in a lot more pain than usual, and all the doctors I saw had different thoughts about what was causing it. I saw a sleep therapist and got on a CPAP, but her diagnosis was ultimately “bad at sleep schedule.” I talked to my primary, but her diagnosis was something along the lines of “fat also drinks soda.” BUT to my primary’s credit, she did get me a referral to a rheumatologist (even though she said, “it’s probably your diet. Have you considered cutting out carbs?”).

The rheumatologist did easily one of the more painful examinations of my life. She poked and prodded and pushed and pressed, and when it was all said and done, I’d apparently demonstrated pain in all of the areas necessary for a fibromyalgia diagnosis.

Fibromyalgia, essentially, is a disorder of the nerves. It typically happens after a physical or mental trauma, and it results in the brain misinterpreting every signal sent to it by every nerve as pain.There are a whole bunch of therapies available--some with more evidence behind them than others, some more accessible than others--but there’s no cure. It’s essentially a diagnosis of “you can do things to make things a little easier on yourself, but as of now, you’re going to be in pain the rest of your life.”

Which is neat.

So I’ve been processing that. On practical levels, I feel somewhat like I’ve been given permission to give myself a small break. No, I can’t do the things that I used to do, but I also didn’t used to have this condition that makes my everything hurt all the time and, gloriously, makes it so that NSAIDs and other pain relievers are more sugar pills than anything else. I don’t beat myself up as badly anymore when I look around at my messy house because I’m like... okay, it’s not just having twins and depression and no time. It’s having twins and depression and no time AND EVERYTHING FUCKING HURTS. And in that vein, too, I don’t feel terribly bad about renting a wheelchair for our Disney trip later this year OR about ordering a handicap placard from the state.

There’s also some vindication in that fibromyalgia isn’t caused or worsened by a lot of things that you, personally, can do. It can get easier to bear with exercise (essentially, you’re pointing out to your brain that pain is not the correct sensation here, so we can still walk and function), but it affects people of all walks of life in roughly the same way. It’s annoying as fuck, but I feel vindicated that no, this is not my fault.

BUT the biggest emotion is just... grief, I guess. Something is fucked up about my body, and it’s not a fixable thing at this point in time. I can do a lot by myself, but there’s also a lot I can’t do by myself, and that leaves me more than a little dependent on my family and friends for everything, and I do not like that. I was hoping that when the doctor checked me out, she’d say that I had RA or OA or something that’s inflammatory because at least then, I could look into anti-inflammatory treatments, but no. This is a pain disorder where anything inflammatory-related is completely irrelevant.

And I’m mourning because I hoped that it was something that I could easily reduce the pain about. There are nights I can’t sleep because I’m so uncomfortable and there are days when I can’t write or use my computer because my fingers hurt so much. And I’m moving into a treatment plan (after we get back from Disney because I literally do not have time for anything right now), but it’s still like. Ugh. UGH.

I feel unworthy of anyone. I’ve been flirting a lot more lately, and I’ve been pursuing some things casually, but I also feel like there’s never a real chance for anyone who doesn’t already love me to love me because I’m pretty damaged goods. And YES I know this is not intellectually honest of me and that I wouldn’t even dream of saying those things to someone else I know dealing with this, but it’s not always easy to turn off that spiral when it starts.

Which leads me to...

Fighting God: Ages and ages ago, I wrote a big long treatise here about my religious history, but the tl;dr is that I’m nonreligious/vaguely witchy. I’m a pastor’s kid, grew up all gung-ho about the whole thing, but gradually, it all slipped away. I was content with that, and up until recently, I wasn’t really mad about anything with the church because, hey, not my thing but whatever. At worst, following 2016, I was kind of :| at all the people in my life who weren’t considering how their actions affect others, but I was willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Not anymore.

In late August, I lost someone to cancer. He was someone who meant a lot to me for most of my life, and we met through church theater things. In a way, he was a sort of last tie back to that life--I built an imaginary life around him when I was a teenager, loved him like crazy. They say that you truly become an adult when you realize who “Landslide” is about for you, and for me, it was about him.

Anyway, he died of cancer, which is awful in and of itself. The church that we’d both been part of had this big fucking spectacle planned around his death and were thanking God for his death in the “at least he’s not in pain anymore” sense, which I found kind of sick. Like God put the goddamn tumor there, why would you thank God for literally any of the situation?

But THEN I found out that he had refused conventional treatment in favor of alternative bullshit, like he wanted some sort of miraculous “and then I had my scan and the cancer was just GONE and the doctors couldn’t explain it!” cure or he was anti-science or whatever the fuck. He refused conventional treatment until this past summer, and then he had surgery and it became apparent that, no, God had not chosen to do things bombastically, but by that point, it was too late. He died of a cancer that could have been easily fixed, had it not been for his faith, and that disgusts me.

Add my fibro diagnosis to that--because it’s treatable but not fixable--and I am very put out with God in general. And yes, we can obviously go into volumes of bullshit the church does anyway that I’ve always hated, and I’ve never been happy about any of it, but now I’m fucking pissed. Anti-Christian, anti-god, anti-whatever. And maybe that’s 3edgy5me, but anger is part of the grieving process, and I’m enjoying it far more than I enjoy when the anger fades for a minute and I can’t do anything but sit there and cry.

(yes, I am seeing my therapist about this, and we’re working through it, slowly but surely)

So there we go. My update. I’ll post pictures of the kids later.

[heniareth]

I was really curious about what your opinions on the DAO companions are :) I know we have talked about some, but I'd love to hear more and about the others as well :D I hope it's ok to pose this as an ask :)

Sure! That sounds like a ton of fun. This might be a long one tho. Mind you, this is not the finished version of the answer. I'd like to link stuff and add a cut, but rn that's not possible. I'll update it when I can.

Edit: I have updated it ^^

Let's go alphabetically bc why not.

Alistair:

Sweet guy. So sweet. There was a moment when I was hard pressed chosing between him and Zevran (alas, Zevran won). Also, he's weirdly tall according to the wiki? How did I not notice that before?

Let's get a bit more serious now, Alistair is a great guy. The only reason he's not the hero of the story is because he doesn't want to. He has all the qualities of a leader: he's good at dealing with conflict (as evident with the conversation with the mage at the beginning. He gets where he wants to get without antagonizing the mage, but without allowing him to trample all over him). He's a solid tactitian and knows how to make allies (he suggests to use the Grey Warden treaties, after all). I bet if he was in the leadership position, he'd even not bicker with Morrigan. His moral code is pretty tight; some might say too tight, but I think it's less about the moral code and more about learning to judge people by their actions, not by the labels they fit into (Morrigan is a proud apostate and therefore bad. Wynne is a humble circle mage and therefore good). He also has a bit of a black-and-white way of seeing the world. I empathize a lot with Alistair, especially with his experience with the Chantry and his subsequent reluctance to deal with it. I really wish I had gotten to know more about concrete experiences he had during his training as templar, but he seems reluctant to talk about it (gee, I wonder why).

Since I've only played the game once, I haven't really picked up on Arl Eamon's abuse towards him, which apparently exists (Isolde, however... I mean, even if he were Eamon's illegitimate son, he's a kid, ma'am, he didn't exactly get to chose his parents. So that's so not okay). Alistair's way of speaking about them both, however, is either sign that he has not come within a hundred miles of acknowledging how much it hurt him, or that he's already gone through the whole process and has decided to forgive them. The latter shows a very strong character; yes, he relies on the approval and leadership of others, he has his issues, but he's already started working on them.

That being said, irl Alistair would be like a little brother to me. I'd tease him relentlessly (all in good fun and I promise to stop if it makes him uncomfortable, but he's just so teasable). I still wish the videogame gave him the chance to take important decisions for himself. But that, of course, would somewhat defeat the point of the game.

Leliana:

Another sweet, sweet person. Her singing voice is amazing. Her belief in the Maker inspires me (I'm a religious person and seeing religious characters represented in a positive light is Very Cool. It's also sometimes a source of discomfort, because the Church has done a lot of very messed up stuff and positive representation can sometimes veer into apologetics for things that should not be excused, but that's a whole other can of worms. The bottom line is that religious characters sometimes work for me and other times don't and Leliana works for me very much bc she's an outsider inside the Chantry).

Leliana is best friend material, tbh. I'd love to get to know her irl, discuss theology and philosophy and maybe even politics? She makes mistakes and has prejudices, but, tbh, so do I. And I do get the feeling that she tries her best to learn. From the times she intervenes in a conversation between the Warden and an NPC, she shows herself to be compassionate and open to the needs of others. What I get from her character is that she genuinely wants to help, which is something that I adore of her. I suspect that she sometimes has a hard time deciding wether she's a good person or not. She has killed and seduced and worked for a morally dubious person, and she doesn't show the same nonchalance about it as Zevran (though they both do discuss their line of work in very... professional terms). This is, however, more of a headcanon than actual factual canon.

I also very much enjoy her girly side, like her interest in shoes and dresses. She's one badass woman who also looses her cool about the latest fashions in Val Royeaux. I like that. Between her and Alistair, a non human noble Warden has as good a help to navigate the Fereldan court as they're going to get. Leliana is also, I can't forget that, clever and insightful. It'd be easy to write her off as the innocent chantry girl, but she's so much more than that. Her kindness is paired with foresight, I think. She knows that taking on the trouble to help now can go a long way in the future. I just have a lot of respect for her.

Loghain:

This one's gonna be short bc I didn't recruit him. He's an amazing villain and would probably be a great Warden as well. He reminds me of Denerhor from LOTR; once a hero/stewart of his people, ambition and desperation have driven them both down a terrible path. I have also only little idea about his past. People say he lost a lot, and I believe it wholeheartedly; it doesn't excuse the fact that he plunged the country into a civil war in the middle of a Blight. I don't have a lot of sympathy for short-sighted politicians. I wish he hadn't made himself regent. That's what I take away from his character.

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention that really impressed me was his death. I had Alistair duel him (that was a rough duel), and then it kinda just jumped to a cutscene of my Warden nodding and Alistair executing him. That didn't sit well with me. I didn't want to kill Loghain, and less so in front of Anora. But what impressed me was that Loghain just accepted it. That takes a whole lot of guts. Compare that to Howe's death, and how he screams out that he deserved (more, probably, or anything but death) and it's crystal clear who the more noble of the two is. Loghain strikes me as very lawful neutral, and any neutral alignment has the particularity that it can be dragged towards good or bad, sometimes without the characters noticing it (which is interesting from a DnD perspective; neutral is often concieved of as just as stable as good or evil, but that may not be true. But that's a different post). Anyway, Loghain's death was impactful.

Morrigan:

I could kick myself for not maxing out her approval in the first play-through. I got to enjoy a bit of her friendship by the end of it and boy was even that little bit worth it. Friendship with Morrigan is something that is hard-won. It's all the more precious because of that.

Morrigan is full of paradoxes, I think. She's incredibly wise in some ways, yet also very short-sighted (”just kill them, don't solve their problems”. Morrigan, dear, I'm not going to gain a lot of allies if I kill everybody who poses a problem to me). She is so intelligent, but emotionally... not so. She knows so much about some things, and very little about the next. She's incredibly wilful and knows what she wants, but follows Flemeth's orders all the time through. She hungers for power and independence, yet craves closeness, but won't allow herself to have it. She asks you to prove yourself to her and is extremely critical of your actions, I think, because she's afraid. She bites the hand that feeds her because it might hit her next.

Like with Eamon, I haven't managed to catch the undercurrent of abuse that seems to permeate Flemeth's relationship with Morrigan. Except there are signs, because there must be something Morrigan is scared of and who has instilled all that rage in her, and that's Flemeth. Also, she clearly hates/does not care about her and wants her dead (unless killing Flemeth was part of Flemeth's plan as well? Hm.)

Morrigan is that one person who you are nice to, continuously, because nobody else is. And suddenly she becomes less cold. And then friendly. And suddenly you're asking yourself why everybody hates her, because she's a really good friend! I just wish the other companions came to a similar conclusion, especially Alistair and Wynne.

Oghren:

They did this man dirty. He has such great lines and I'm convinced he was a great person before Branka disappeared. He has that dwarven warrior spirit, and while he looks like Gimli, some of his most impactful lines remind me of Dwalin or even Thorin Oakenshield himself. He could be so noble had he gotten some character development, damnit!

Oghren as he is written is somewhat disgusting. I hate the lechering comments and the drunkenness. And still, I don't hate him because of those amazing lines he has when he's actually sober. It's frustrating and I'll give him that character development myself if the game won't. I strongly associate the song Whiskey Lullaby with him, bc that's how he would have ended up if the Warden hadn't taken him along (warning: the song talks about suicide and alcoholism). Like I said, they could have done such cool things with his character. As he is written now... it's just sad. Moments of lucidity drowned in alcohol and creepy jokes. As you can see, I don't blame the character for either. The alcoholism happens all too often irl. The creepy jokes... I put that one on the writers' tab.

I actually think Oghren could have been a great mentor figure (I know, I shock myself as well sometimes). Next to the Grey Wardens, the ones who know most about fighting darkspawn are the dwarves because they have to deal with them constantly. Especially a warrior caste dwarf like Oghren could have brought a lot of that invaluable knowledge to the team, especially since there are no Grey Wardens in Ferelden but two extremely green recruits. Next, you get the chance to give Oghren the command of the teammates you leave behind in the battle of Denerim with the reason that he has lead men into battle before. Where did that suddenly come from? Oghren should have been right up there telling my Warden that they were doing this wrong, that they needed more food (and booze) and a confident leader to keep the armies they've called together going. Oghren should have been able to tell my civilian city elf who got recruited into the Grey Wardens a six months ago how one leads an army. How one presents oneself to inspire confidence, how one doesn't crack under the pressure, how one gets the leaders of said armies (some who hate each others guts i.e. Dalish elves and humans) to work together. And, last but not least, Oghren could have had a great story about grief. This is a man who has lost most of what made him (and what he hasn't lost he's spilling down the drain with every mug of ale). This is a man who, if you take him into the Deep Roads, has to see what his wife did to his family, how his wife got absolutely obsessed, and can be forced to kill said wife or watch her die. All Wardens loose their home and families at the start of the story. It would really have rounded the whole narrative out if the Warden and Oghren could have recognised their grief in each other and hashed it out somehow. Such as it is, Oghren is a depressed drunkard and there is nothing we can do about that. I find that frustrating.

Rascal (a.k.a. Dog):

Best boy. 100/10. I wish we had gotten to see the reaction of the different origins to the mabari (because elves probably have a whole different experience with them from mages or humans. And dwarves just... I think they straight up have none? XD). Other than that, no complaints. The name Rascal was the one I gave my dog because you have to be a right rascal to survive what he did and play the pranks he plays. Smartest breed in the world indeed.

Shale:

Shale is one of those characters that I recruited rather late in the game, so I haven't had the chance to explore their personality and worldview, really. I didn't even get to take them to the Deep Roads (this will be ammended in playthrough nr. 2). As such, I don't have particularly strong opinions on them (or her? The wiki refers to Shale as 'it', but that sounds weird). But, because I know so little about Shale, I have a lot of questions. First, what were they like before they were a golem? Shayle, as she was called then, was the best warrior of her time if I remember correctly. Why did she become a golem? Was it to be able to eternally protect her people? Was the sarcasm the golem Shale exhibits also part of the dwarven warrior Shayle or did that come later (if for thirty years you have nobody to talk to but yourself, you better be entertaining. And I can imagine how it could make somebody terribly jaded as well).

Next, how attached is Shale to their golem form, exactly? According to the banter, they infinitely prefer it to a squishy fleshy form. If that is the case, however, why go to Tevinter to try and become a squishy dwarf again? It's not like that process could be reversed if they wanted to become a golem again; if Shale survives to the end of the game, the Anvil of the Void is destroyed and Caridin is dead. Was the whole spiel about their indestructible form a façade? It might have been, but not because Shale actually disliked their form. I think it would have more to do with the loss of their memories and with the very invasive experiments and alterations of Shale's body made by the mage Wilhelm. The loss of memories means that Shale is unable to remember life as a fleshy creature. They might be deflecting by pretending that they didn't care for that experience anyway because of the superiority of their golem form. The modifications made to their form by Wilhelm would have alienated them from their body. In light of this, it's significant that Shale asks the Warden to decorate their form with crystals.

All of this is, of course, pure speculation. I may have easily missed or forgotten details that would disprove the above thoughts. All in all, I like Shale and I hope we meet them again in DA4 (given that it's mostly set in Tevinter). It's a liking from a respectful distance, because Shale is tall and made out of rock and also way more experienced than I will ever be (they are literally the oldest member of the Warden's little Blight fighting squad).

Sten:

Sten is another person I'd keep a respectful distance from physically. That seems to be the what he would prefer, at least. I've enjoyed his character a lot, especially because he seems pretty clear-cut at first, but slowly lets the nuance of his person show (gruff and stoic, but then he has an eye for art, a sweet tooth and he likes cute animals). It's also very interesting that there's no moment when you learn "the truth" about him the way you do with Zevran or Leliana. There's no big reveal about his life under the Qun before coming to Ferelden. He says he was sent to monitor the Blight, but honestly? If neither Ferelden nor Orlais knew there was a Blight, how could the Qunari know? I think he's lying, and he takes his secrets back with him when he leaves Ferelden. And yet I think I know him enough to say that a Warden who has become friends with him has nothing to fear from Sten.

One thing I find very interesting about Sten is how he thinks. His conversation about how women can't be soldiers has been analysed a lot on this page I think. He seems to be arguing based on a different paradigma than the one the Warden has. He also seems to have a very clear-cut view of the world. What is fascinating to me is that, when arguing with the Warden and learning about their culture, he is not necessarily becoming more lax about his worldview. I think it's more likely that he is expanding his paradigma, the structure of thought through which he understands the world. I don't think that he is now convinced that women can be warriors as well. I think he rather understands that, in Ferelden, the relationship between occupation and gender is different than under the Qun. Which of the two he thinks is more right or more agreeable, I have no idea. I'm also not very interested in that. But I find it fascinating how he always seems to be looking on quietly, gathering data, classifying it and trying to fit it into his understanding of how the world works. I wouldn't be surprised at all if his original party was a scouting party to see how vulnerable Ferelden was at that moment to outside forces. One thing I don't understand with all of this is why he urges the Warden to meet the Blight head on. No smart soldier would suggest that, except if they are foolishly proud (and Sten doesn't seem like that kind of guy tbh). I get that the Warden takes way longer to gather allies than expected because they first have to solve all of their allies' problems. But surely Sten sees the need to have allies? Is he just that impatient? Does he have a death wish (à la, I lost my sword and am without honour, better to die sooner than later and in glorious battle)? Was he his group's previous commander and is he now having trouble following somebody else's orders? Or maybe it's his way to make sure the Warden knows what they are doing? To push them into becoming the self-assured commander their allies will need once they're all gathered? I really don't know. I like the last option best, however.

For me, Sten is my fellow, more experienced soldier. Like Alistair, he can potentially be the Warden's brother in arms, but he's definitely the older brother here. He probably doesn't take kindly to tearful confessions of how hard everything is, but I feel like he's otherwise a solid rock to lean on. I feel like the Warden can trust him to do what is necessary and count on him no matter what, especially after they get his sword back. His devotion from that point on is honestly so powerful.

Wynne:

Wynne was such a support for my Warden (except with the whole conversation about love vs. duty and that she may have to choose between Zevran and ending the Blight and that she should therefore break up with him. Wynne had a point. Astala was so not willing to sacrifice her relationship with Zevran. But the whole conversation came at a point where she was already so disillusioned that she blew up in Wynne's face (”can i please just have one (1) nice thing????”)). But all in all, Wynne is great.

She has a lot of flaws. She was very marked by her life in the Cricle and, for all her age, she has little experience living outside of it. She is also a conformist despite her strong moral core. In a way, her ability to find peace with her lot in life impresses me deeply because it speaks to a lot of strength of character. Sadly, however, strength can be ill applied and used to suppress. I think she has convinced herself that the Chantry is right under (almost) all circumstances to be able to rationalize the life that mages live. She's had her son taken away from her as a baby and an apprentice killed. Her reaction seems to have been to convince herself that this was right, or for the greater good (and now I'm thinking about the Guardian's question at the temple of Andraste's Ashes; are you wise or do you just repeat what others have told you? The answer is not as clear-cut as it might be). This is why she is so irritated by Zevran and Morrigan. By aligning herself with the Chantry, she is, in her eyes, good. Zevran and Morrigan are not; they do not conform to Chantry morality and they defend themselves tooth and nails against somebody who would try and convert them. This is something Wynne never allowed herself to do; she always did the "right" thing and it has cost her so much. I'm not saying she was right (it would probably have done her some good to rebel from time to time, and to trust her own gut instinct more), but in light of this, it hardly surprises me that she's so judgamental. She has to be, or she would be forced to confront all the evil she has not fought against all those years and all the hurt that has been caused to her by the very institution she protects (and thank God she only tries to argue and can appreciate it when people have found a good life outside of her comfort zone. If she tried to convince by force or, for example, drag her former apprentice back to the Circle... boy oh boy that would get ugly). If you think about it, Wynne really is a good example for what happens if you live by a philosophy of always choosing the lesser evil.

Something that I keep forgetting over her grandmotherly and dignified character is how damn powerful she is. She has escaped the carnage at Ostagar; HOW!? She protected those mage apprentices in the Circle tower for God knows how long. In the battle of Denerim, she wades through an army and comes out alive on the other side. The wiki lists her age at 40, I think, but that doesn't make a lick of sense unless 75 years of age are the Fereldan equivalent to 100. This lady, about whom people make grandmother jokes, did all that. It's impressive.

Zevran:

You know, I would really love to know what Wynne thinks about the events at Kirkwall in DA2. It might be a disaster for her, or it might pave the way for one last bit of character development. She certainly didn't want to return to the Circle after fighting the Blight. That may be an indicator of some change in her stance on the Circle of Magi.

Edit: I forgot that she is what the Circle considers a literal abomination! Holy cow, how could I forget that?? Anyway, her conversation about what being an abomination means is so... heartbreaking, actually. It's so tentative. So careful. "Am I an abomination? Am I the same thing that has killed my students? The same thing as Uldred? Am I lost and damned? Did I invite this spirit in? Is this my fault?" Like wow, Wynne is going through something huge right there. I love it. I have to continue playing the game to see what it ends up as, but it's fascinating and such a huge thing that she allows the Warden in on that.

Ah, Zevran, my beloved (he has stolen my heart so much it's not even funny anymore). He's funny, he's charming, he's so so loyal and it breaks my heart. Zevran is the one about whom I've read most meta: these three wonderful posts for instance, as well as this one about his possible lack of scars, and this one about his lack of freedom. All of these have influenced my opinion of him and they are great reads.

I have talked about Zevran with you before, so I'll just skip to the new stuff. I have come to conclusion that Zevran is an artist at heart. This is totally not biased by the fact that I also do art, but hear me out. One of his preferred gifts are bars of silver and gold. While those have the obvious utility of basically functioning as money (they can be sold to any silversmith or goldsmith and their value is pretty stable through time and in different countries), there's also this from his codex: "Zevran shows an affinity for the finer things in life—hardly surprising for an Antivan Crow—but his appreciation can be more poetic than he lets on. A simple bar of refined silver or gold, uncomplicated by a craftsman's hammer, is elegantly valuable." Tell me that is not an artist's eye that sees that gold and sees the beauty in it. Then, there's also the meta about Zevran the Seducer which I linked above and link here again. It talks specifically about how he lets himself enjoy the target and be seen in his enjoyment. Tell me that is not an artist's eye that beholds the beauty of something he is set out to destroy. Even his talk about his assassinations show this. He talks about it as an art, the way somebody would talk about the brutal intervention in stone that produces a sculpture. Yes, it's a rationalization of the act of killing and yes killing is still wrong. But he doesn't go on about it on a moral tangent the way Alistair or Wynne would (”this person was bad, killing them was necessary”) or even through the argument of survival like Morrigan would (”it was either them or me and it sure as Hell wasn't going to be me”). He talks about the pleasure of a job well done, of the satisfaction of striking the precise point and executing a plan to the perfection so as to minimize chances of discovery and to make a clean death possible. And pleasure in seeing and in doing, this I firmly believe, is absolutely fundamental for an artist.

My favourite part about my Warden and Zevran as a pairing is that Zevran precisely brings out that ability to take your pleasures as they come and to really savour them. Fighting the Blight is tough; it's so important to find good things amidst the chaos to stay sane. If Astala saves Zevran from himself by offering him a place to stay and a purpose, Zevran saves Astala from herself by keeping her from running herself into the ground trying to save the world.

There are some things I don't like about Zev. The incessant flirting, for example, sometimes makes me uncomfortable (it becomes enjoyable for me once the Warden and him are in a relationship, but before that? Nah, no thanks). I wish he would also leave the other female characters alone (and there's so many more shameless comments of his aimed at Morrigan, Leliana or Wynne than at Alistair or maybe even Sten).

---

And that's my take on the Origins companions (this was rather long. Whew ^^' I hope it was still readable and that you enjoyed it!!) Thank you so much for the ask!! It's been a joy thinking about this. I was worrying at first that the less prominent companions like Sten or Shale wouldn't get as much content but... well XD

[strawhatsweets]

the blood on our hands

bakugou x gn!reader

aged up!

cw: a n g s t as hell. comfort. cursing, mentions of drinking, smoking, etc. alluding to depression and anxiety. dealing with trauma of missions and losing people. a ton of mentions of blood

this is a heavy topic in the hero universe i imagine- and generally in the mental health world of it all.

lyrics are from purple flowers by ande estrella which hold a very important meaning that has nothing to do with this- they just worked with the story. But fr go listen to it bc its so good.

come to my asks to be a part of my taglist! just let me know what kinds of fics/ what fandom/ what characters/ etc you want to be tagged in! Requests are open!!

------------------------------------------------

reality is heavy and loud

Spacing out was more than being distracted to Y/n. Being a young hero meant stressful situations, overbearing management, tight spaces, stuffy meetings, and so much... blood. It takes a toll on a young person. Of course they wanted to be a hero- wouldn't chose anything else. They grin and bear this shit for a reason- to save and help people.

But god, who saves the heros?

but white has the privilege of washing machines to wash out the stains from their comfortable jeans

Some nights, after wrap-up meetings, everything was a bit too heavy. The usual group of friends and young heroes would choose someone's house to go to in order to destress.

For some, that was smoking. For some, it was drinking, video games, napping, venting, sitting outside alone yet with company. And for some it was merely listening to everyone else.

Not having to make a decision. Not having to be responsible. That's what y/n picked every time.

Bakugou would always notice them alone in the corner of the room. They were the one to come up with destress gatherings after hard missions. Bakugou knew it was so they wouldn't be alone with their thoughts. That's why he would always step in at times like as get them to talk, so those thoughts dont stay trapped in their head.

"Hey." Bakugou muttered, sitting on the floor next to y/n in Denkis apartment.

"Hey."

"You good, dude?" Bakugou asked with genuine concern.

He was always a bit nicer to Y/n. Nobody knew why, yet everyone knew why. They both were fragile and chose to hide it during the day, being strong around others to not raise red flags.

"I'm okay...just. That one was bad. I almost lost that kid. Like she almost fucking- died in my arms." Y/n choked out.

"Hey hey hey, its okay. You got her to the ambulance in time. You did that shit. You always do. You're the best in the game at comforting little twerps." Bakugou attempted to comfort them- somewhat succeeding and holding their head against his chest.

One time, Y/n mentioned that they held kids against their chest during rescues to calm their heartbeat. "If you listen to a calmer heartbeat, you're more likely to try to match it and slow your own down." Of course you wouldn't think Y/n would be able to have a calm heartbeat during a rescue, but they are very talented at controlling their nerves. Part of being a hero.

wiping the blood off their hands to their thighs, wearing the blood of the people who've died

Y/n subconsciously calmed down a bit, Bakugou's ability to remember every word that drips off of Y/n's lips paying off.

"I know. I just can't stop...thinking about everyone I've- we've lost. Its so unfair."

"I know. Hey, you have- uh. Lets go to the bathroom." Bakugou noticed a smudge of blood on Y/n's face and a bit on their hands. Cleaning up was the last thing on their mind earlier on.

"Ok."

Taking each other's hands, they walked into the bathroom. Bakugou sat Y/n on the counter, turning on the sink and grabbing a cloth.

"O-oh god. Thats fucking blood. I thought I washed my h-hands." Y/n began panicking, causing Bakugou to put their hands under the water with soap, washing it all off for them.

Tears mixed with the water from the sink and Bakugou stayed silent. Wiping their face, Bakugou looked into Y/n's eyes. These two have just always known.

They know what people can hide. What secret messages the body language of a person can hold. And he let them grip onto the back of his shirt as he held them in his arms, Y/n not being able to cry anymore and just breathing in his scent from his shoulder.

but dont let the purple flowers fool you

"Listen. We're going to get through this one. I know its hard on you- all of the families involved. But you- we saved them. We're all here for each other right? I'm here for you." Bakugou pulls Y/n back a little to look into their eyes. "You are the strongest one here. I know it fucking hurts. I know it is so...scary-" He sniffles a little, letting his own emotions take over. Something only he did when they were alone together. "- but we're heroes. And human. We are allowed to feel pain and sadness and disappointment- but we're heroes for a reason, right? We can handle this shit."

"I know we can. We always have. Just... promise you'll never leave me?"

"Youre so stupid. I've been more careful lately." He scoffs, wiping tears from his face. He of course knew that Y/n was referring to a few weeks ago when Bakugou got too caught up in the mission and was almost crushed by debris. He was pulled away in time by a fellow hero but it still opened his eyes, as well as Y/n, to how fragile they are, even if they are the heroes.

"I know Kats, but please. You're my rock in here. You're my person." Y/n says looking into his eyes.

"And you're my person. I can't leave you behind. You wouldn't know what to do without me here." Bakugou chuckles, earning a shove from Y/n.

"Katsuki." Y/n starts, holding his hands in their own.

"Yeah." He sighs.

"I don't speak lightly of feelings, you know that right?"

"Of course I know that. You don't talk much about those to anyone-"

"Except you." They interrupt Bakugou, reminding him of the importance of their unspoken bond and making his heart race.

"Yeah."

"Then you'll know how hard it is for me to say this. But- Katsuki I think I love you. I know we aren't super affectionate outside of being alone but- I've never felt what I feel with you before. I understand if you don't feel the same way and if this was all just because you felt bad but I needed to tell you that because you're really important and this is very import-"

Bakugou, in the most cliche turn of events, cuts Y/n off with a kiss to shut them up.

Pulling away, Bakugou rests his forehead on Y/n's .

"I love you too. I thought that was obvious when I never stopped you from saying my first name, idiot." He chuckles lightly.

"I kinda figured you at least liked me-"

"I'm going to keep you safe forever. That means physically and emotionally. No more hiding any feelings from me just because there are people around. Pull me aside. Hold me if you need or want to- I dont care if the whole world sees that. But just- fuck Y/n. I know you feel fragile. I know what it's like to be scared and hide it. I'm your diary now, ok? Always."

"Thank you...Katsuki. Fuck. You're everything I've ever needed. Plus youre kinda cute too I suppose." Y/n giggles.

"Oi fuck off." Bakugou kisses them again, relieved that he can finally be himself with Y/n, that he has them finally.

"I'm your diary too them, okay? I mean it. Anything, any time, say the word." Y/n says lightly, squeezing Bakugou's hand.

"Fuck. I love you."

"I love you too. I love how that sounds coming from you by the way."

"Me the fuck too-" Bakugou was interrupted by a loud yelling-

"I GOTTA PISSSSSS" followed by banging on the door.

"MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK SO FAST THEN LIGHT WEIGHT!" Bakugou responds, recognizing the voice of Denki.

"DONT MAKE FUN OF MEEEE I'LL LAUGH AND PEE MYSELF" Denki whined.

"Let's go, angel." Bakugou whispers into Y/n's hair, kissing them on the head and helping them off of the counter.

[vincissoise]

every time i replay kotsam or kotdan i am once again struck by my love for the main ten for a multitude of reasons. lemme babble abt each of them a bit:

(under the cut—spoilers to kotsam and kodan if you haven’t finished them)

altair: boyf. boyfriend. ive replayed kotsam like ten times and have romanced him five times. im in love with this man he’s so sweet but also one of the author’s posts compared him to julian and said some rly cryptic shit so?? go off multi-dimensional king i’ll love you no matter what. definite favoritism here bc im a sucker for the sweet, supportive older siblings of the mc’s friend who has a secret hidden within. im pretty sure my nickname in the discord server is still “#1 altair simp” even tho i don’t check it anymore but the statement still rings true

astrid: gf wife mwah mwah mwah im in love with the adtaz siblings. simply.... she’s so great and i wish her the best bc she’s a terrific friend to the mc and is painfully funny at times. also her thing with leon is just MWAH i only romanced her once bc of this

cressy: scares me a little bit but i am also severely attracted to her bc goddamn i love women that can verbally (or physically, but that’s for thalia) tear me apart. ur so cool and i will romance u soon

cyrus: god what a man. what a man. im also in love with you quite strongly and i would like to wrap myself in your jacket and hold you close. i want to stargaze on the roof with you, cider in hand, and talk until it goes cold and then some. i want to look into your eyes and know that you love me just as much as i love you. my eyes water with joy whenever i see you in a scene

katia: BABEY!!!!! SUNSHINE GIRL!!! TERRIFYINGLY CRYPTIC IN THAT ONE SCENE IN KODAN AT THE BALCONY BEFORE THE ATTACK! i love her sm but i never got around to romancing her which is an absolute crime. anyways 10/10 would kiss and die for

kol: my bro. brother without blood. i keep friendzoning you my bad but also i can’t see you as anything but family. ur so sweet and also???? i definitely forgive you for the whole betrayal thing and i wish your family the best. ilysm king mwah and im sorry abt (reluctantly) spying on ur date w ur boyfriend

leon: himbo. well not really but im saying that anyway. i was the one who made that “what if we kissed by the manatees” meme and im proud of it bc mr leon “chad” dalton deserves a smooch next to a manatee show. romanced you in kostam but not in kodan yet which i will get to later or maybe not bc i like you and astrid together too much. you’ve got a lot of issues and i would like to give you a hug

sera: you.... frigid girls that are emotionally distant with severe family-related trauma? damn you are exactly the kind of character i like playing which means i gravitate towards u maybe just a bit though i haven’t romanced you yet bc im scared of what angst i will find by also playing a kitsune and investigating your family’s demise. i do like ur hair and would like to braid it

thalia: i am SLAMMING my FUCKING FIST on the TABLE rn..... ms thalia sato you are wildly chaotic and wild and full of depth and im???? so fucking in love w u... especially w suzume. the way you are portrayed makes me inspired to be a better writer with all the turmoil your very existence brings. holy shit i want to marry you but also feel like you wouldn’t be thrilled about being tied down and honestly i will do whatever u want

yakov: i NEED to get to ur romance route but much like sera im a little scared of what may come. just like her ur pretty distant and mysterious and full of angst but ive seen snippets of your vulnerable side and hoooo wee am i excited (but still scared)

essentially i just. love them all