#And the interviewer’s just sitting there. like Ok Sir That Sure Is Fascinating

[anti-dazai-blog]

I just remembered that interview where Asagiri answered Dazai's ideal marriage partner and the answer was, Dazai could "no matter the girl, shape her to suit his tastes." It was an Otomedia interview. The other two Dazai questions had answers just as bad

Thank you so much for citing the interview so precisely, thanks to that I was able to find it:

I don’t know why I thought I had a lot to say on this. It is what it is. At the moment my only reaction is “yeah that checks out.”

Question 1’s refusal to give a wedding gift is pretty on par with his general work habits (ie not doing any work ever)— if he could get out of putting in time/money/effort, he’s gonna. We already know that.

Question 2’s “shaping his partner to suit his tastes” is also pretty on brand. He makes his plans work with whoever will end up involved in them. He personally hands Akutagawa an inferiority complex on a silver platter and shapes his obsession with and desire to surpass Atsushi. Prior to Dazai’s repeated provocations, Akutagawa was entirely neutral on Atsushi—and Dazai was able to create an all-consuming obsession over the course of one or two conversations. Question 3’s “setting up up his partner to betray him” is just as canon as the former two responses— he set up Chuuya to seem like he betrayed the sheep.

so all in all, this interview isn’t telling us anything new— it is interesting to see how all of the typical Dazai-isms come through in the context of dating and relationships though, so thanks for sharing this interview with me, I’m glad I got the chance to read it

[hanalwayssolo]

I've scoured your page for your ocs so I have two. Please, all the questions for Briony and Javier?

I’m sorry if this took so long anon but all questions???? I am absolutely happy to serve! 🫡

Placing this under the cut because I got carried away with the idea of Briony and Javier meeting through a virtual chat and getting to have a conversation.

OC interview questions

1 Who makes up your family? How close are you to them?

Briony: So there's Cor, and he’s my dad. Not by blood, though.

B: Then my mom. Her name's Candela. Again, not by blood.

B: Never met my real parents. According to my mom they gave me up because my real dad didn’t want a girl as a first born. So...

Javier: so i think--and pardon me for saying this--but your real parents should rot in hell.

B: LMAO thank you for standing in solidarity with me. 🥺

B: Anyway! There's also my ten-year-old daughter, Ellie.

B: I could I say I'm close to all of them, and I love them all very much. 💖

B: So yeah. That's pretty much it for me. How about you, sir?

J: well no need to address me as sir, ‘javi’ is just fine, your majesty.

B: Please, I’d also appreciate if you’d just call me Briony. 🥲

J: alright then :)

J: ok so i have a younger brother. his name is carlos. not sure if we’re close. he can be annoying and i know i can be annoying to him. or worse.

J: then darcy, my ex-wife. my bonita and scout, darcy’s kids from a previous relationship whom i both treat as if they were my own flesh and blood. greta, emma, leticia. i know it sounds strange and i won’t go deep into our affairs but all i can say is that even after all my shortcomings, they were still very generous enough to give me another chance. so i’m grateful for our blended family. 

J: as for my parents, well. mi padre--i mean my dad, our relationship was not exactly a good one. it’s more of like a professional relationship. he was only el jefe to us. nothing more.

J: my mamá, however, was the best of us. but my dad didn’t really treat her well so she ended up leaving.

B: Oh gods, I’m so sorry.

J: don’t be. my dad should be the one apologizing. 

B: This is probably the reason why they put us together here. We both have issues with our real parents.

J: jajajaja looks like it.

2. Who is your best friend? Tell us about them!

B: My best friend is my husband, and his name is Gladio. He looks absolutely mean and threatening because he’s 6′6″ but he’s just about the kindest and sweetest fella I’ve ever met. 

B: How about you, Javi?

J: not to put a damper on things but i don’t have one. a best friend, that is. 

B: You can’t be serious? But you seem so amiable. 

J: you are far too kind to me, briony. :)

B: Surely you had one before?

J: well... 

J: my ex-wife. i guess she was my best friend. we’re still friends now but our relationship is not like the one we had before. 

B: Oh. I see. 

B: Okay then, I won’t probe further. And I apologize for even broaching the subject. 

J: it’s alright, don’t worry about it. 

3. What is your favorite childhood memory?

J: so my mamá is a costume designer and she often took my brother and i to the local theatre to watch musicals and shakespearean plays. we would hang out backstage and we’d help out with everyone’s costumes. i love those days.

B: Your mother sounds like a lovely woman. 💖 

B: Which reminds me, when I was a kid, Mom would also take me to theatres and we’d watch all these plays, and we were always so fascinated with the music. Especially the costumes! The masks, the props, the entire production. And whenever we get home, she’d sit at the edge of my bed and we’d talk about it all night.

B: Thinking about it all makes me miss my childhood so much.

4. What is your least favorite childhood memory?

B: Now this is the question that makes me not miss my childhood at all LMAO

J: my sentiments exactly.

J: ladies first? jajaja

B: Fine. 

B: When I was ten, my hometown was invaded by the Empire. I watched as one of their generals killed our queen in front of her children, my childhood friends. I was separated from my Mom for a long time because of it. That’s when Cor found me and took me in.

B: I think that changed me.

B: Sorry, no—it really did change me. Made me really angry at the Empire. For a time, all I wanted was to hunt down every single Imperial soldier who killed my friends, who destroyed my home.

B: But at this point… I’m not so sure anymore. And I’m just tired of being angry, of being so lost.

J: it’s strange. your experience somehow reminds me of my own.

B: Really? How so?

J: my father runs a cartel for a living. one day a rival cartel broke into our house and beat the living daylights out of us. my mother included. i was 8, my brother was 5.

J: my father changed after that. i wasn’t surprised that he would want revenge; he has always been prideful, self-assured. but that incident… something about it made him ruthless. the way he treated my mother changed. he also changed how he treated my brother and i, most of all. he wanted us to be stronger, demanded us to do better. he even punished us for being weak.

J: about what you said about being angry for a time, he was angry for the rest of his life. he certainly made good of his promise that he would make the rival cartel pay, and pay they did with their life. i remember him bringing my brother and i to their hideout and showed us the bodies. everything was drenched in blood. when my brother started crying, my father forced him to look and said, “this is what i am willing to do for our family. i want you to stare at it. i don’t ever want you to cower in fear over this kind of violence, do you understand?”

J: so i guess long story short: my brother and i, we somehow inherited that anger. and we’re still paying the price.

J: and i know i’m the last person you’d want to hear this from, briony, considering i’m but a stranger to you… but i hope you don’t let your anger consume you. as someone who has ruined a lot of good things in my life: anger is poison. nothing good ever comes out of it.

5. What is your favorite thing to do in your free time?

J: ay dios mío, finally an easier question to answer.

B: LMAOOO IKR

B: I’ll let you go first!

J: my most favourite thing to do in my free time is to cook, make wine, and to also spend time with scout and bonita.

J: how about you?

B: I love reading books and watching movies with my daughter. She’s also been very keen recently in making costumes ever since we started going to our community theatre so I reckon she and your mom would definitely get along.

J: oh for sure. :) scout enjoys hanging out in old bookstores and i can see you and him getting along, too.

B: I would certainly love to meet him! 💖 I have a good friend who tends to a humble little book shop in my city. He’d probably have a swell time there.

6. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?

B: Why are these questions like a rollercoaster ride????? LMAO

B: The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is to answer all of these. And we’re not even halfway there yet!

J: likewise jajaja

J: but kidding aside though, what is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?

B: Hmmmmm. I’d say having to raise Ellie on my own in my early twenties. I didn’t know better at the time, and even though I’m thankful that I managed to get the support I need from Cor and my friends, it was still tough having a kid during a very tough time.

J: once again, you remind me of someone i know.

B: Really? Please do elaborate, if you don’t mind.

J: not at all. darcy had scout and bonita when she was in her twenties, too. i saw firsthand how difficult it had been for her—physically, emotionally, mentally. it took a toll on her once. bonita was at the peak of her tantrums and darcy screamed at her, too, telling her, “you think your life’s hard? you’re just a bloody baby! you don’t have the right to cry!”

B: Okay, I know how stressful that situation is because I have to admit, I had a similar experience with Ellie when she was a baby. I was so stressed at work and so I cried with her when she started throwing a tantrum.

B: Being a mother is hard work. My heart goes out to Darcy, truly.

B: But honestly whenever I think about that time now, I just find it hilarious. There I was, unable to afford therapy, so I was having a breakdown with my baby LMAO

B: I do hope Darcy finds that time as something she could laugh about now.

J: oh she does. she’s very transparent to the twins and she’s shared with them her lowest moments as their mum often as a light-hearted anecdote.

J: but i have to say—despite that, all darcy’s self-deprecating jokes aside, scout and bonita are very much understanding of their mum’s circumstances, which only goes to show how she has beautifully raised the twins. bonita is especially well aware that she can be a pain in the ass and that she’s glad her mum just cried with her even when she was a baby if it meant having to get a proper scolding without her understanding a single word.

B: So… would you count that as the hardest thing you ever had to do? Raising the kids together?

J: not really, no. i mean raising the twins was hard but it’s the kind of hard that feels so easy? i hope that makes sense.

B: Yup, it does. I get it. I felt the same way with Ellie.

J: so yeah. i suppose having to leave them that is the hardest.

B: How so?

J: because i ended up hurting them.

B: Can I ask you something?

J: sure, go ahead.

B: You still love her, don’t you?

J: yes. i suppose you can say that the other hardest thing i had to do is how to stop loving her.

J: clearly i’m not very good as it.

7. Who do you look up to?

B: My Mom and Cor, for sure.

J: i’m not sure…

B: Do you mind if I take a wild guess?

J: sure, go shoot your shot.

B: You look up to Darcy. What you’re not sure about is whether to share that information or not.

J: i’m starting to hate how astute you are, Your Majesty.

B: HAHAHAHA

B: Why thank you very much. 🥰

8. What do you think had the biggest impact on you growing up?

B: Javi and I both agree that our answer here is the same as the one we gave in #4 LMAO

9. Are you a spiritual person?  If yes, what do you practice?

J: i was raised a catholic but now i really don’t practice anything.

B: As for me, I was certainly raised to practice not giving a fuck about the gods.

10. Where were you born?  Where did you grow up?  Where do you live now?

B: Born and raised partly in Tenebrae and currently living here once more. The rest of my childhood was spent between Leide and Insomnia.

J: born and spent most of my childhood in la paz, bolivia until my family and i were moving between one south american city after another in my teens. now i live in kent.

11. What is your favorite type of media (TV, movie, books, etc)?  Name some specific favorites (which shows, movies, books, etc do you like)!

B: Books all the way. And Pablo Neruda has a special place in my heart.

J: it would be movies for me. i am particularly fond of historical drama and war films and my current favourite would be the one scout recommended that i watch, which was the pianist.

12. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? (on vacation or permanently!)

B: I’m actually interested to go and see where you live, Javi.

J: i could say the same with you.

B: I guess we could exchange cities for a while for a vacation, no?

J: a wonderful idea. you can run my winery and i would…?

B: attend meetings with my advisors, hold court for tenebraeans needing counsel, and help my husband train my queensguard.

J: great. i think i’ll just stick to my winery then.

B: LMAO

13. You’re given an unlimited budget to build anything you want!  What do you build and where do you build it?

B: Rebuild the cities destroyed by the Empire, restore Tenebrae’s historical sights, improve the transport system, create more creative spaces for young people, among many other things.

J: i don’t think i could follow from that excellent response but all i could think of is the same thing but i’ll do it in la paz. fix everything that the cartels have destroyed.

14. What are your favorite music genres?

B: Indie rock and pop and classical.

J: Jazz. And classical, too.

15. Do you play any instruments?  Which ones?  How long have you been playing?

B: Unfortunately I can’t play shit for the life of me LMAO

B: Javi?

J: i’m strangely proud to admit that i do know how to play the guitar. my mother taught me when i was very young and it’s how we spent most of our time together: me playing her favourite songs while she sings along.

16. Describe your perfect day.

B: Breakfast with Gladio and Ellie, a quiet time in the library, a nice swim down at Zoldara Lake, and a day without me having to go about any royal duties. All four would in one day would be absolutely perfect.

J: A good cup of coffee, a walk down the vineyard, drive around town, getting some time with the twins.

17. What makes you laugh?

B: Ellie’s actually pretty funny and witty so she’s the one who makes me laugh the most.

J: bonita made me watch these silly videos of cats from this social media platform and i hate to even admit this but those are funny.

B: I didn’t peg you as someone who would enjoy cat videos. Color me surprised.

18. What’s the best way to cheer you up?

B: A good glass of wine should do the trick.

J: funny you should mention that because wine also cheers me up and i happen to have a winery.

B: Yes that’s me saying I would appreciate a bottle every now and then. As a treat.

19. What makes you sad?

J: can we skip this one?

B: Absolutely not.

J: okay then i guess what makes me sad is thinking about the things i’ve done in the past.

J: your turn

B: I’d say… thinking about the time I lost Ellie’s dad.

20. Describe your biggest pet peeve.

B: Idiots.

J: same.

B: Also people who are just deliberately unkind and those who refuse to change.

J: as bonita would say… big samesies

21. Describe your ideal partner.

B: I am very fortunate to have married my ideal partner and best friend.

J: then i guess i’m very much unfortunate that my ideal partner and i have already divorced.

B: Javi, I shit you not, after this interview I will hook you up with someone.

22. What’s the easiest way to flirt with you?

B: Here’s the thing… sometimes I can be completely oblivious with how flirting works. Which drives my husband mad at times because he’ll be doing this extraordinarily sweet thing and it just registers to me as him being awfully nice because there’s a special occasion LMAO

J: now that’s a relief to hear

B: LOL why!!

J: i just realized that i’m not as awkward as i think i am jajaja

B: HAHAHAH

J: to be perfectly honest, i can quickly get on with it through text or anything in the written form, which is probably the easiest way that anyone could flirt with me. but if it’s done in person, i do have the awful tendency to be oblivious. i have a number of people who have pointed this out, my brother most especially.

B: Now I’m curious to know: how did you and Darcy even started dating when you’re this awkward little duck? Like how did you even flirt with her?

J: texting was still not a thing at that time so i wrote her letters and poems.

B: Are you serious?? you say you’re awkward at flirting when you WROTE HER POEMS? Get the fuck outta here!!

23. Have you ever had a crush on someone?  Do you have a crush now?

B: Um, yes. And not to be an absolute sap but my crush now is my husband?

J: don’t worry, that is completely valid.

24. What would you consider your main love language?

B: I can’t say I only have one main love language; I’m actually inclined on both quality time and acts of service, for sure. I love doing things for the ones I love and whenever I get to spend time with them, and I very much appreciate it when they do the same.

J: i’m a quality time kind of guy, and also physical touch. it is certainly nice to hold someone you love and to be held by them.

B: Goddamn the poet jumped out, good sir! 🤭

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[sayoteicecream]

Stitches Part One

For days, I have been acting like I was not affected and that I can face the world properly as if I can brush the incident off that easy. But now that I am remembering the incident, I instantly feel cold and tearful. My legs are shaking as of this moment and I am doing breathing exercises.

Last Tuesday, June 26, 2018, just 24 days after my birthday, I fell down the stairs.

I am pretty sure I flew down the stairs and bumped my head two times before reaching the landing. Things happened fast. I was walking down the stairs, wearing a heavy backpack and a sling bag. My right hand was carrying a light box, by the way. My left hand was free and I was holding on the wall as I went down. I was at the last set of stairs, I took two of steps down and suddenly, I found myself falling - I even felt a slight wind in my face - and hitting the marbled stairs.

I remember the final parts clearly. I was wearing my glasses that time. I hit a step and my glasses shifted to my forehead. Hit my head again, harder thus crushing my glasses. Then my head reached the landing, one more head bump...and my glasses flew away. 

After my entire body hit the landing, I was ready to stand up and to force myself to laugh out. But I saw blood just beside me. Despite the body pains, I stood up. I heard screams. “Blood!” “Tricycle! Tricycle!” “Oh my God!” “Are you okay, Ma’am?” My forehead stung. I touched it. I looked at my hand. Blood. I touch my right check. Too much blood, they just kept pouring out. Was it from my head? 

Just like that. It was a sunny day. About 6 o’clock in the morning, I had an accidental fall.

A man called for a tricycle. Someone said there is a hospital nearby. People are talking and screaming but all I can say is, “Please find my eyeglasses.” I said it twice and a man gave found them and gave them to me. I said my thanks. Then I was ushered by the same man to a tricycle. 

I climbed inside the tiny vehicle as calm as I could. I was holding my head. My boss climbed in beside me and held my arm. On our way to the “hospital nearby”, I kept thinking “This is not happening. Let’s go back in time. Let’s go back in time. I should be in the car by now, looking at my working papers. This is not happening. This is not happening.”

We arrived in the hospital in a few minutes. I got out of the tricycle and again, heard people screaming. “Wheelchair! Wheelchair!” “Emergency!” 

A male nurse greeted me and made me sit in a wheelchair. I was silent, still in disbelief. They wheeled me to the Emergency Room and ordered me to get on the large bed in the center of the Room. I lied down on the bed and even asked the nurse if I should remove my shoes. The nurse stared at me for awhile, maybe wondering if I am disoriented. (Yeah, how would you react if a woman with a bloody head ask you - the nurse - if she should remove her shoes before lying on the operating bed in an Emergency Room).

My boss was beside me, holding my arm. The nurse called out for another nurse. A female nurse came in and asked my boss for details (my name, age, address and how I ended up in the hospital). The male nurse was busy cleaning my face, asking me if I am conscious and that I am aware that I am in a hospital.

I asked him if I needed stitches. And he said yes. The wound is deep and big, he explained.

I just said “Ok”. 

I looked over to my boss who was standing beside me and my foolish self asked for my eyeglasses. (DAMN THOSE EYEGLASSES!) She held up my super bloody glasses. And I nodded. She went out to call someone.

Another male nurse came in with a consent form. In a loud voice, he asked me if I know my name. I said, “Yes, sir”. He asked me if I am conscious and I am aware that I just had an accident and I am in the hospital. I answered in affirmative. He said I need suturing and that I there would be anesthesia. But a relative or me, myself, should sign the consent form. I nodded and signed the form.

While the nurses are busy cleaning my wound, my arms and neck, all I could do is to stare at the walls and the ceiling. The memory of my head hitting the last step kept replaying in my mind. I forced myself to think it away and to stay sane. “Forget it. Be fascinated. You can cross ‘falling down the stairs and hitting your head’ from your bucket list!” I focused on the window and described how big it is. I looked at the ceiling and asked how the hell do they clean a ceiling that’s so high. I look at the bed covers and asked why does it have to be green. I had to think of questions to keep that memory out of my head. It worked. I started to get bored.

It took a while for the doctor to come in the room. He put on some gloves and started interviewing me: “Why are you here?” “How many days do you plan in staying in this municipality?” “What does your company do?” “Are you alone?”. I just answered his questions. He keeps asking me and I keep answering. If he’s doing that to make me think less of the horror I am in, it is working. Instead of panic, I felt fascinated.

I felt a needle being pushed in my forehead. Anesthesia. Then I felt another sharp object being pushed through my skin...the first stitch. It was a bit painful but I stayed still. The next stitches were painless. Anesthesia has kicked in. It took a while for the stitching to be done. 

Then here comes another problem. The right eye won’t stop bleeding. They checked my blood pressure. It’s too high, they said. And they can’t do anything about the bleeding just yet. 

My boss comes back with another senior of mine. They tell me stories about their accidents. I half listen to their story. I was sleepy. I just want to get out of the bed and just go on with my life. My senior left the room for awhile. Then I told my boss that I am good to go back to work once I get out of this hospital. She called me a fool. We will go back home, she said. I didn’t answer. Instead, I asked, “what about our other co-officers?” “They’ll stay,” she said. For a whole thirty minutes, I estimate, I lied on the bed, with an ice pack on my forehead and bloody gauze on my right eye. My boss and my senior kept going in and out of the room. The nurse also kept asking me if I am conscious and not nauseous. I keep saying that I am conscious.  

The male nurse and the doctor gave me a medicine that would bring my blood pressure (b.p.) down. They kept monitoring my blood pressure. I forced myself to relax. It was hard...I was too excited. When my b.p. went normal, the nurse injected something in my shoulder. He said, it will stop the bleeding in my eye. They taped thick gauze on my forehead and on my right eye. And that’s it. My business in the Emergency Room was over. I can be discharged. They told me to sit in the lobby with my companions. I abruptly got up from bed (“SLOWLY!” the nurse and the senior officer said in unison) and sat on the same wheelchair they prepared for me.

I was wheeled out the room with a large gauze on my forehead and an eye patch in my right eye. I was a mess. Everybody greeted me with a stare. 

There were more things that happened in after that. And since those moments are irrelevant, I don’t think I should include them in this entry. 

I traveled back to our hometown the same day. My boss got me home to my parents’ house. And I stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

My life went on as if the incident was a laughing matter. I joked about it. I even told my friend that falling down the stairs is one of my hobbies.

But the scenes of me bumping my head on the steps just keep coming to me. I cringe every time I recall those scenes. I feel cold whenever I remember myself in the Emergency Room, getting stitched. Whenever I go down the stairs at home or in any building, I remind myself of the incident. Sometimes, I get confident and successfully climb down the stairs even without holding the railing. But sometimes, I just imagine myself hitting the floor again so I hold onto the railing. 

I asked for a week off. I don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t even know if I need a rest. I feel that I should do something to keep my mind busy. To stop those replay of scenes from coming back. I am worried that the incident left me a trauma. 

Why? Why does it have to be me?