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[sayoteicecream]

Be Kind

I just let go of my salary again today.

Funny thing is...it didn't go all-in to my dad's meds. I just sent some funds to a lady who rescued a cat. She sent an SOS in an FB community and she needed some cash for the initial vettings.

I just lost 70% of my savings account and still reached out. I need money, yet, I reached out and just sent some cash to a stranger.

[sayoteicecream]

Hidden Conversation

This morning, I had a chance to enjoy coffee with my dad in our humble little house in a provincial town. It was obvious that our words were chosen. There were frustrations and sadness when we ranted to others - me with my mom and my dad with, well, also my mom.

He told my mom that he was struggling and felt so bad about me giving up my salary. He obviously felt a lot of guilt and wanted the treatment to end soon. So I know he was trying his best to get well.

On the other hand, I was complaining to my mom that I had to give up my entire salary for his medications. I also constantly complain about not having enough cash for food and health.

But this morning, my dad and I talked. It was super filtered. He expressed his disappointment about his money going down the drain and how he wished the gap between the cycles would be longer so our cash outflow would be also less often. He didn't comment about me losing my entire salary to help fund his medicines. And I held back from complaining about my dwindling savings account because of his medications.

The conversation changed to another topic - I am just glad we stopped talking about how our cash - his and my savings accounts - are reaching the negative. We talked about his plans to fix the house and offered one of the rooms as my office where I could draft my whatever-related-to-my-lawyer status. He said I could come here and rest if ever I go to fieldwork. He said that once he gets better he will fix the house and told me to invest in fixing that "office".

I said, sure. But complained about the distance of my clients' base to our house. In the end, I said, "Yes, this house is a great place to live in".

I felt sorry for complaining so much. And probably, he feels sorry for me.

It was a casual conversation but words unsaid were totally said that time.

[sayoteicecream]

Things I Forgot to Say

I am turning 38 this year. Almost forty. Two years before "life begins".

Well, the rants and the pains paid off. I was so feeling guilty about my spending and my decision to spay abort my cat that I forgot the good news and the bad news that took place in a span of one year.

Yep, I passed the bar exams, took my oath and now full pledged lawyer.

I got my name in the list of to-be promoted employees.

Yes, yes. Those are the good news. Now, to the bad news...

Dad was diagnosed with cancer. His chemo will be in unknown number of cycles which is expensive. Cycle will be every three weeks. We don't have much so I need to put in all my salary for his meds.

I took out a loan because I can't give away 30 grand every three weeks. Now the loan money is running out and the next cycle is in three weeks. I still have to pay for my cat's surgery, which is expensive, too. So by the end of the month, I won't have much.

That means, I need to fast for the next two weeks until salary is credited. And I don't know how to manage anymore after...I just have to try my best.

People around me tell me I will go through this. But no one is offering help. I ask for help but they say, "I have issues, too".

So I will go through this alone...as always. Don't worry, my future self. I will make sure you get to eat a cake on the day of your birth. Might add some cappuccino, too. I promise.

However, there is a good news - dad is doing fine. He is a bit weak but he is strong enough to drive, carry a three year old granddaughter, cook for the family and teach his students (online though but still).

He feels bad about me having to sacrifice most of my salary for his chemo so he has to try his best. So he does his best.

We both are doing our best. So this is a sign that things will go well in the future. I just have to hang in there.

[sayoteicecream]

A Message to My 38-Year-Old Me: A Box of Guilt

Yesterday, I came home with a box of guilt. I was from the vet clinic, holding a small box, wrapped with a paper bag.

Inside the box are four tiny creatures - probably very blue - which I killed. It was a big decision for me and I will be forever guilty about it.

It was a week ago when I realized that my cat was pregnant. I was about to schedule her for a spay but since she is pregnant, I thought first that I will wait for her to give birth.

But reality strikes. Almost my entire salary goes to my dad's chemo. I have medical needs that I keep delaying because I am penniless. I have a failing business I need to wrap up.

I have 11 cats at home. There's three cats with my teenage sister. Cat food is expensive. I have bills to pay. I have a major depression - I can't take care of myself because I need to take care of others first...

Nobody wants to adopt my cats - all rescues.

So the hard decision: Spay Abort.

You may still be racked with guilt, my 38-Year-Old future self. But remember that the day I decided to give up on those kittens is the day I cried a lot and checked my bank account. You know our dad's meds are thrice more than we receive. Your loan is running out and by the end of February or March - you'll be bankrupt and will have nowhere to ask for money.

So more cats - more money spent. That's why I even have to save on food - without others knowing. Rely on free treats from friends.

The day I brought the cat to the vet on her surgery day - I fed her a special wet food, her favorite. She has to fast for the next six hours so I put her inside a crate, else, she would be chowing the kibbles I gave to the other cats. She didn't know what is ahead and I feel so bad for her.

Six and half hours later, I found myself handing the cat to the vet. The vet explained to me the procedures again, the risks and what to expect. She asked me if I would stay and wait or come back later. I decided to come back later...so I strolled along the streets nearby to wait until her surgery is over.

I came back to the clinic and they said the surgery is over and that I can go see her.

Her eyes were wide and big - pleading. I felt bad for her. The vet came and showed me the pictures. Her open womb, her wound, the stitching procedure...and the sac which contained the four kittens - which they carefully placed in a box.

She said the cat needs to stay for one day at the clinic for observation. One day became four days because they can't let her go home yet. She doesn't have appetite and she broke from her cage once and caused a scene. I visited her everyday and she would withdraw to the corner of her steel cage. She would let me touch her and pet her. She would lie on my palm but would never leave the corner. I tried to carry her to my arms for a hug, but she immediately jumped back to her cage. I would stay for ten to fifteen minutes just petting her and talking to her. She would meow softly and would nudge my hand to pet her. She would put her head on my palm for a few seconds then wiggle to show me her tummy - as if asking for a tummy rub. But I can't with all those bandage and tapes. I want to grab her and bring her home and hug her all day. Of course, vet would say no. She needs to stay until she's well enough to feed herself.

They didn't give the box to me on the day of her surgery. The attending nurses thought they could bury it behind the clinic - but the vet declined - saying they don't have space. So they gave it to me after two days when I went to visit (which was yesterday). It was almost 9:00 in the evening. I am tired from work and hungry. But I hailed for a cab and went to my parents' home - about 3 kms from the vet (I live less than 1 km away) because they have a backyard. We can't bury the box right away because it is too dark and the burial site will be near our parking area - outside the gate. I still have ten hungry cats at home so I told my family I need to leave. My sisters promised to bury the box the next day.

I woke up, feeling groggy. I remembered I drank up a bottle of wine last night but went to work nevertheless.

There were a lot of things in my mind - my guilt still on the surface. I just told myself I have 11 cats to feed. A dad who needs help. And a pile of paperworks that are due by the end of the month.

Life goes on, my future self. I hope by the time I become you, I will be fine.

[sayoteicecream]

It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[sayoteicecream]

Insomnia

Yesterday, I took a sleep aid at 5:40 pm. I slept like a baby until 7:30 am the next morning. I might have awoken later but my phone buzzed and was greeted by a positive message: my family’s swab tests returned negative. They don’t have COVID.

Now, what happened before that happy event?

I had a headache the day before. I was on Netflix while encoding some entries in MS Excel. I was on my laptop the entire afternoon so I guess it made my head ache. I want to sleep to cure the pain and I found myself taking a sleep aid pill. 

The pill worked minutes later. I had a looooong sleep with a few waking breaks. The dream was a horror story but I remembered most was the “commercial” in the midst of the dream.

I am in a room, a plain orange room with high white platforms. A beautiful elderly lady is floating above one of the platforms. In my dream, I am a man in his early forties. I jumped on the platforms like a Mario game character, across the room to the lady. I stopped when I am a few meters behind her. She looked back at me and said, in plain English, with subtitles floating above her head, “Don’t put meditation and sleep together.” 

Slowly the words disappeared and her, too. She vanished. And I felt at peace, I floated above the platform and I woke up. I thought I really woke up but I realized I’m still in the dream. 

The horror story went on and it ended in a scene where I was staring outside the window, looking up the stars as I hear monsters down the street running after another monster.

I woke up from the buzzing sound of my phone and read the messages from a cousin and my brother. I cried happy tears.Then remembered my dream afterwards.

I’ve been escaping anxiety and stress through sleep. I wasn’t facing them. I was forcing myself to sleep to avoid thinking about them.

But thinking about them more make me sleep even less. It’s unpleasant. So for me, sleep will help me forget. Then I just wake up the next day, experience the same anxiety and stress and just let sleep absorb it all.

The beautiful lady is right though. Sleep won’t absorb all my anxieties and stress. I guess I have to build up enough courage to face them and conquer them in my waking moments. Good luck to me, eh?

[sayoteicecream]

Stuck

When I learned last June that I failed the bar exams, my only thoughts were “How do I survive the rest of the year?” 

It’s not “Should I retake the bar?” or “Should I give up?”. I received the results during the COVID pandemic and at that time, I felt that the future is bleak. Instead of thinking of what to do next, I shifted my focus on my online game and my series marathon.

I told myself to take a break before studying again - even when I’m not sure if I will take the bar exams again or not. And I really took a break. But my focus on my game and my series marathon was too highlighted, I forgot my priority: decide on what’s next in my life.

Work is also there of course and it became my other excuse to decide on my life. I let work own me during the day and my game/series through the night. Result? Insommia. 

I drank alcohol to make me sleepy but it wasn’t a good sleeping potion. The more alcohol I consumed, the more I stayed awake at nights. Because of that my playlist in YouTube and Spotify is entitled “Music to make you fall asleep”.

COVID still happening and my social life has suffered so I wasn’t able to detach myself from my game (it’s also a social game where I meet players from all over Asia...I now have a best game buddy!) because my co-players were able to comfort me during the virus period. I also finally had the time to watch the series I’ve been setting aside for years since law school. For awhile, I was entertained.

Now, I’m super stuck. I can’t leave my game and my Netflix keeps extending every month. My internet data is partitioned more on my game and series than on my work or review.

I failed in balancing the aspects of my life. My current happiness is so much higher than my expected future happiness. Now that I think of it, three months passed easily and I still haven’t even made a decision: what’s next in my life?

With this realization, I should know what to do...right?

[sayoteicecream]

Year-End Rants

Alright, here’s the thing. The title says “rants”. But don’t worry, 34-Me, no rants today. 

I got so and super stressed that I thought I’d just die before the New Year. Things about work, brother’s wedding, bar results and money just keep coming in uninvited, swarming all over the place, putting up reminders that they’re there. So it is obviously the stress that’s eating me up.

It’s the holidays. I have to take all of these messed up particles of my stress and organize them so they’ll be sorted out easily. 

This might be the first post without any rants in it, 34-Me. Oh gosh! I’m so proud of myself right now. 

P.S. I am typing this post while chugg...I mean, sipping a can of beer. 

P.P.S. I am not drunk, I just had a 3ml sip from my beer. 

P.P.P.S. A can of beer doesn’t make me drunk. But I’ll show signs of intoxication if I have a dozen of them. Note, “signs of intoxication” is not equal to “dead drunk”. 

P.P.P.P.S. I am not proud to say that but I just had to lay it down here just in case: This is NOT a drunk post.

[sayoteicecream]

Christmas Bells, Wedding Bells

Nope. It’s not me, 34-Me. I am not the one who’s getting married. It’s the brother.

Three days to go before it’s Christmas and six days to go before the brother’s wedding. There’s a funny thing I want to remind you of. Your brother - our brother - asked me to write his vows for the wedding. All the while I thought they’d be using the traditional, “I take you as my wife...in sickness and in health...till death do us part”, but noooo. Your brother just told you to make an award-winning wedding vow. 

Here’s the funny part. You literally put on autoplay on each wedding music video you saw in YouTube. You even cried because you felt overwhelmed. 

Craaaap! Yes, your brother is getting married and you cried in advance! 

Seriously, those vows were corny as hell but they f***ing made you cry. 

Well, let’s see what happens during the wedding.

Oh, here’s another thing. Christmas! Hell, yeah. I got great presents this year, 34-Me. Some personalized and practical stuff.

Okay, good news done. Bad news. Crap, I am getting addicted in a mobile game. Not because of its gameplay/graphics but the people in the chats! 

So far, so good, huh?

I want to rant so bad but it’s Christmas. I’m just gonna blurt it all out next year. I need this Christmas for myself. I am so depressed so bad but the more I think about the sad things, the more I want to give up on giving myself time. Not gonna happen. Me first. 

Hey, 34-Me. Things didn’t change. So I hope you’re okay there. I’m trying to be strong. Everyday is a struggle. But I’m fine. Good people are around me. The others are struggling, too. And I’ll try to be good to them. Must persevere!

[sayoteicecream]

A Message to My 34-Me

Alright, I know I just ranted all my way to this post.

But that’s all I can do right now. I am living an unhappy life and have bothered the people around me with my rants. I have been ranting and ranting and Gosh, I still do things that make me rant.

But the rants have their power. I blurted out what I wanted to say. It may have annoyed the people around me but I was so open about what I felt. 

It’s time to know my limit. I have to stop the rants...I need to decrease the amount of my rants and live in positivity. I need to do things that will make me happy and stop being miserable. 

Back before I took the bar, I promised myself to do some stuff before the bar. Lose weight. Travel with mom. Prioritize myself. Be happy. Stop buying law books. Well, I did most of the stuff I placed on my pre-bar list.

I went to the strange city with my mom. I lost about five kilos of weight. I prioritized myself by leaving the workload of the office behind. I stopped buying books. But again, I failed at one. I didn’t make myself happy. Maybe that is something that can’t be done alone. I guess when you try to be happy, you are just stressing that you are so sad that you need something to make you feel that you aren’t. Be happy is doing things your own way. Not being pressured to do something and just focusing on how you’d comfortable with your forced actions. 

What I have been doing was adopting and going with the flow. But these things are merely making me survive. Not really happy.

I know what happy is. Being able to do things without regret and without fear of being criticized. People pressured me to go on with the normal routine and stay away from non-profitable activities. “You finished law school so you should take the bar!” “You are a professional and have been with the company for years so you should get promoted.” “Why leave that work when you’re earning big?” “Are you stupid? You’ll leave your work for that? How can you pay for your own food and bills?” “There’s no money in that, man.” 

I did some little stuff to make me happy. Temporary happiness. I think a lot of people at my age are going through this. Being a young woman in a digital-age, living in a third-world country, having a job that pays but takes a toll in your health, and being a damn bitch about everything. 

I started feeling so down after I realized some stuff. A couple of days ago, this K-Pop idol died - presumably due to suicide because the writers are pinning “If you know someone with suicidal thoughts...call...” notes in the bottom of the articles - in her apartment. She was 28 years old. She attempted suicide earlier this year but was rushed to the hospital and survived. Months later, her close friend committed suicide. Everyone thought she’d be fine because a few weeks after her friend’s death, she was seen performing on stage in Japan. Then just this month of November, she committed suicide. 

I realized that doing stuff you are supposed to do is not equal to doing stuff people are expecting you to do. The idol may have died because she was in a competitive world. She was popular but no barrier is there to protect her from bashing and assaults. Yet, she continued to live in the world of entertainment. The life she chose might have caused her to just end it all.

I have heard stories of law students committing suicide because they can’t pass their subjects or the bar. They did it because they can’t meet everyone’s expectations. That made me realize to subject a limit to myself. I will tolerate it as much as I can but I have to set the toleration level. I need to. 

I am writing this because I might forget it in the future. I am the only reader of this blog anyway so I need to tell myself and constantly remind myself that I need to survive and to live my life.

33-Me and 34-Me, LET’S DO THIS.

[sayoteicecream]

And another “WAIT” begins

It has been three days from the last bar exam day. I am not comfortable. I feel that the wait will just be another rejection of my entry to the bar.

I will not be surprised, of course. I thought I have read well but when I read those questions,  I feel that those words are familiar. Just that. I know I have read them somewhere and have read the answers to those questions somewhere, too. But how come I don’t remember the exact words? As I ponder on these questions, I go to the next questions, I feel the same.

I know I only had a month to prepare but I know I read substantially all the materials I have. I guess those data have warped in some kind of a black hole and disappeared to the unknown. The only ones that remain are a bit of their existence, hence I was only familiar of them.

No one to blame but me, of course. I knew I have some stressful moments. Very anxious moments. Very angry and very emotional moments. But I let those times win me over. I should have focused on my materials rather than live with those moments. So yeah, it’s me.

I had a month alone in an apartment in an unfamiliar city. Every day was lonely. Every day is depressing. Every day is stressful. At least I fought those moments and kept my brain intact. I need it for this exam. I might have forgotten most of what I studied but I fought until the end. I finished all the exams. Even with regrets, I damn finished it.

Now I am home. As I wait for another chapter of stress, I hold on to this hope that I will never have to go through this moment again. 

[sayoteicecream]

Unfortunately Yours

I heard a news. It was actually just a hearsay, but it is news for me.

I can’t put it here in details. So Thirty-Four me, here’s what it is: (So far you are the only one who can say if ‘gossip’ really happened)

CONSTANT.

That’s the word. Constant. Unchanged. Remained. Status quo.

Everything I have hoped for will never come. The people that have soured my days will remain. Worst, someone who will be a potential pain-in-the-ass attitude will be by my side. Toxic people who I don’t need will still be there. And I envision myself  falling -  spiraling down in an endless abyss. 

If you are thinking the same as me now, my future self. This is my premonition: Nothing will work out for you probably in that aspect of your life.

I think this news is a sign for me to push forward and take the bar. I told myself: just go the hell with it. It will be just as hot as hell in there anyways.

Hoping my misfortunes will be a start of something good. I pray to God to heed my prayers and pull me out of this hellish pit.

[sayoteicecream]

I Accidentally Sent a Message to a Dead Person

Years ago, a batchmate of mine died of stroke. He was 30 that year. Yep, it was two years ago.

Of course, his inactive messenger popped out when I typed a name. I was about to send a message to another batchmate with the same name but this dead batchmate’s messenger profile came up instead. Without thinking, I sent him my message (which was intended to the other person with the same first name). My message appeared in the conversation window at exactly 4:00 pm.

First I realized that the guy in the profile photo wasn’t the intended person to receive my message.

Second, I realized that the person I sent my message to is already dead.

I immediately erased my message. And memories of my freshmen to senior year in college with him kept flooded back.

This guy is a sweet guy. He was my classmate and was a reliable team mate. Back in our first year, he kept nudging me to become our team leader. I know he was more capable because he’s way smarter than me and he has these social skills of a normal person (I was a wacky freshie...only wackos could get me). But since I believe he is skillful in choosing a leader, I decided to agree to be the leader (*beaming*).

I keep looking back at the times I was his classmate. He belonged to the smart group, while I belonged to a noisy-insane bunch of first year college students. We only interacted in the classrooms and along the hallways. I considered him as a friend.

Our friendship was not long. His group of friends is intelligent, rich and reserved. My group of friends is ass-wise, middle class and noisy. There were times when our group blended but those instances were limited to class chats and group reviews.

It took me two years to look back and see how he was during his living days. He is a good catch. Girls will be lucky to have him as a partner. Yep. Two years for me to realize that.

Rest in Peace, bro. Sorry if I had to say this now.

[sayoteicecream]

Que Sera Sera

Whaterver will be, will be The future's not ours, you see Before I go LSS with this song. Let me get one thing straight. I am going to file a petition to take the bar this year. But it is not an assurance that I will actually take it. There are a lot of factors that's making me skip again this year. And these are not excuses, mind you. One. Work. Two. Boss. Three. Fear. Four. Lack of self-worth. The first take and failure made me regret a lot of things. I should have given up on book investing and just read whatever is there. I should have skipped the year. I should have just stayed in my town. This time, there are things that need to be brought up before I decide on my next move. Yep. Work is definitely one. Include the boss. I would just rant and rant if I place the reason here. So let's skip these two hellish reasons and get on with the third. Fear. Yes, definitely. Fear of failing again. Always a factor of self-doubt. Fourth. Lack of self-worth. I just can't put my faith in myself. I always feel that I am not smart enough to make it to the bar. I always feel that maybe I don't have to do this because I am not capable of convincing the examiners. I am contemplating whether or not I'd go through this journey again. I have been harsh on myself - changing my decisions abruptly from time to time. I think I need to meditate on this to realize what I should do.

[sayoteicecream]

I Toned Down Work, I Promise

I did reduce my work load to about 40%. But I was wrong to do that because, another 100% came climbing on the top of the load. It is so stressful and distressful. I cannot believe that someone who have been promoted numerous times, who have attended numerous seminars and who have been at work for over 20 years cannot utilize his or her brain very well.

Am I a chaperone? And a workload catcher? I know this is a rant but I really can’t bear it anymore. I cannot shout this out in Facebook, I cannot post this in Instagram and can’t definitely shout it out the door because people will accuse me of being so damn unappreciative. People will tell me that it is a normal thing. People will tell me that I should get used to it. BUT I CANNOT FREAKING NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I CANNOT HANDLE ALL OF THIS ANYMORE. 

I really, really wish she’d try doing all the work by herself 

[sayoteicecream]

What I tell myself everyday. When work toxicity has reached its maximum point, people tend to turn insane and stressed out. I need to constantly remind myself that I have no artificial body and that my brain works in limited hours. The workload I had to bear and will bear are already on my shoulders, weighing me down to the ground. My back and shoulders hurt, even  my neck would need rehabilitation because of the constant pain of staring down at the computer everyday. My eyes are strained because of the computer screen. Even my bum would be numb due to hours of sitting on my computer chair.

Though all of these are inevitable in a busy work environment, I blame myself for absorbing all of the pressures and loads. I blame myself for skipping time to relax and relieve myself of pressure. I blame myself for not minding myself and bitching about work everyday when I still go to it everyday.

I know the solution now. It’s me first before my work. It’s me before my unreliable boss. It’s me first before anything.

[sayoteicecream]

Thirty-Two-Years Old is Dying Part 2

My second to the last day. In four hours, I will be reborn as 33-Me. 

I am not being sentimental. I am just trying to see if this year has been a blast. Well, I fell down the stairs. Didn’t take the bar. Applied for a promotion but was not promoted. Started a new filing scheme at the office. Bought some weight loss stuff. Got a six-month gym membership. Oh, and lost 10 pounds of fat (33-Me, hear that? 10 pounds of FAT!)

An almost-normal year. There were some regrets, but it wasn’t a big failure. 

Okay, before I die and be reborn as you, 33-Me. Here are some of my wishes:

1. Travel with Mama sometime before you take the bar.

2. Take the bar.

3. Lose 20 pounds by September.

4. If No. 3 is not possible or didn’t take place, lose the 20 pounds by November.

5. Finish your notes for the bar. You were only 10% in progress.

6. Have at least 50 grand in your bank account. Please, stop buying more law books!

7. Promotion.

8. Solo trip.

9. Be happy.

I can’t emphasize enough that No. 9 should be your priority. All your rants for these past years show that you are not happy and you are incredibly unsatisfied. The most important of it all - which is the only thing you should think of when you are not happy is 

10. Prioritize yourself.

Nothing wrong with doing overtime and being super patient with your boss. Nothing wrong with doing a lot of stuff for your family. Nothing wrong with buying them anything they want. But it is wrong to keep doing these things if it will just make you more miserable. We need to keep going. We still have a lot of ??-Me’s to write to. You have to write for 34-Me and that Me will need to write to 35-Me. All Me’s should write to their one year future Me until the last Me finally closes this blog.

We need to live. Please, no more unhappy sentimental craps. Just be happy.