#And the fan merch kind of fills the void at least a little ...<3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

An Observation:

This is only from a single instance of stumbling upon one, mind you, but... I think one of the really great things about Hazbin Hotel is that it's nearly impossible to even tell the difference between leaks and High End Fanart because if you find any artist who knows what they're doing with something like Hazbin or Helluva, it's pretty much always the same quality every time, so even if you stop and realize you're in the middle of being spoiled for a moment, because you think you're looking at fanart, you can always stop what you're doing and let yourself be surprised later? As it only dawns on you just how good all the fanartists making fanworks for this show actually are?

And I think this is because the majority of fanartists making High End Fanworks for Hazbin and Helluva ether already know that their work is High Quality enough to the point where they can make uniquely interesting often one of a kind fan merch to sell to pick up Shark Robots (understandable, Adult Cartoon don't really *NEED* to make High Quality Marketable Plushie when they're On A Budget...) slack. And I love them for that.

...Or, the rest of the artists making High End, High Quality Fanart, were so good that they already got recruited and hired to work on Hazbin and Helluva respectively, which is kind of in turn how we ended up with a lot of the fanon we now have for the show. And I love them for that.

This is mostly because the bitches who get Hazbin, and Helluva, get it. And the ones that don't, don't.

So yes, if you're posting leaks for Hazbin and Helluva, doom on you, there's a special place in hell for you and I'm blocking you.

Though, on the bright side, if you're confused and thinking you're just looking at fanart, even for a second, you technically cannot be spoiled from that.

And this is just to say: I think that the Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss Fandom(s) might just have THE GREATEST (albeit small) cluster of Actually Good Fanartists out there of all time [because most of them work(ed) on the show(s) to begin with.]

And for every obnoxious force in the universe trying to turn the broader reputation of these Fandom(s) into some disgusting fusion of Steven Universe and Five Night's At Freddies, I'm especially grateful to these handfuls of Hazbin and Helluva fanartists for just keeping the actual, core spirit of these shows Alive and keeping me sane.

That's all.

[worksofphiction]

Prompt: dan and phil get in an argument over phil not helping dan unpack boxes from moving. phil claims he's not feeling well but dan doesn't believe him and storms off. the next day phil wakes up sick with the stomach flu, however is scared about how dan will react and tries to hide it

Incapable of Letting Things Go

Read on Ao3!

Summary: Genre: Fluff, Angst, Mentions of Sex, (If you don’t like the idea of vomit, tread carefully!!!!!)Word Count: 11,287Reading Time: 0:41:42Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and as far as I know, this never happened.

I’m sorry it took so long to write this one, guys!!! I hit some major writer’s block and then got scheduled for like a million hours at work. I hope this angst is what you wanted, Anonymous.

Dan and Phil’s relationship was iconic. It had been since the start and in order to keep it that way, they had an amazing connection that everyone knew was unbreakable. None of their fans or friends could even dream about replacing the other half of the duo. The Universe had obviously molded them to be best friends and they basked in their luck of finding someone so perfect and complimentary of their semi-wayward personalities.

Of course, with relationships come problems. But the best relationships were the ones that maintained the best communication. And with Dan and Phil, this was a hurdle that took a little while to perfect.

When they met, they had every intention on becoming a couple. And some could say that they had. The Skype calls said it all with the flirty promises and courageously bold smiles. Dan was young and Phil was young at heart, which led to some long nights of touching and experimenting between the both of them in person. They never defined it, however, the label of “just friends” was long passed and it was clear that they were something else entirely. Phil didn’t ever worry about the label because Dan and Phil were clear with each other about what they wanted by sharing little pecks on the lips and caressing each other in the same bed at the end of the night. It was so easy and natural to be together back then.

But it was a year later when Dan realized things were apparently moving in a direction he wasn’t ready for. It came out of nowhere and Phil was shocked when he used their label-less terms to his advantage and their little thing suddenly halted. Phil barely blinked before they were using their separate rooms that they only paid for “just in case” and Dan had completely shut Phil out without saying a single thing.

“Give it time,” Phil’s close friends told him, but time only brought cold shoulders and distance that seemed to only increase between them. Phil was heartbroken but the younger boy’s happiness was the real object of Phil’s interest and if he was happy being friends, then this was what needed to happen.

But regardless, Phil wasn’t okay with a friend who couldn’t communicate with him and he had to make sure this wouldn’t happen again. With their relationship or with their friendship. His heart was too sore from Dan’s disappearance starting in 2010 and he knew Dan didn’t even know he had done such a crime. So after two solid years of contemplation and forced friendship, his heart had scabbed over enough to say something. He sat Dan down in 2012, much to his dismay, and finally explained that they needed a label of some kind. Phil explained, with as much detail as he could muster without completely sounding a fool (even though he thought he was totally justified), that what Dan did was hurtful and kind of cruel. Dan just sat at their table with his arms crossed over his rising chest as he listened to Phil go on about their shared past, his face remaining still like a marble sculpture – void of all emotion.

After a painful thirty minutes, Phil had finally relayed all he needed to say – pretty much everything but the fact that he’d been in love with Dan since day one – and he stopped to let Dan fork over his input. But Dan just sat up, uncrossed his arms and looked him in the eyes saying “Phil, we’ve always just been friends. We’ve never been anything more.”

And here Phil thought maybe Dan had loved him once upon a time.

Dan stood and walked from the room with not so much as a handshake as if he had permanently forgotten how close they had once been, the dripping knife in his hand leaving a trail from Phil’s heart to Dan’s closed bedroom door. And from that day forward, Phil shoved those feelings deep beneath his skin. Somewhere Dan couldn’t manage to claw through and expose on the daily. A testament to how time had done nothing but bury their fuzzy love.

Luckily, Dan was at least somewhat rational. As long as it had nothing to do with their relationship, he was completely complaint with Phil’s wishes. Their communication improved. So much in fact, that at first Phil thought that maybe Dan was being petty. Coming to Phil to ask about things instead of just doing them like he always had and talking through some of his emotional issues without lying horizontal on the ground where Phil wouldn’t know what to do with his platonic flatmate for hours at a time.

Their friendship followed exponentially and with each issue they talked through, they became closer and it became easier to support each other. Dan almost seemed to appreciate the extra support – something he probably thought wasn’t possible in a friendship. After all, Phil was his first real best friend. Sooner than later, the two became the standard for internet duality and the staple for ideal relationships in the Youtube community. Phil wasn’t with Dan in the way he wanted in the beginning, but he didn’t mind because at this point, he was the only one that could know Dan the way he knew him and that gave him some sort of twisted satisfaction. Short of Dan’s own psyche, Phil was confident he knew his brown haired companion better than anyone could know him.

But that left Phil with a guilt that he couldn’t explain. Sure, Dan had flat out broken his heart and since 2012 they hadn’t brought that up, but he had gotten better. Dan had consciously tried to improve their connection with his openness and even the fans noticed his personality unfolding and his true self becoming evident. Some days it felt like maybe Dan was doing it to make up for the pain he had put Phil through. As if he could fully register it and its effect on Phil’s life. Everyday, Phil would smile in Dan’s direction when he thought about how far he had come. He had gone from the eighteen year old that couldn’t hold his own, to the confident man that Phil still called his best friend. However, Phil couldn’t take credit for being an influence when he was the one that possessed the biggest dishonesty between the both of them. His unrequited love was never spoken of but it was always there and Phil laid in bed at night praying that perhaps one day Dan would realize that what he had done to Phil all those years ago was a mistake and take it all back.

He knew Dan loved him, but not in the way he wanted. In every other way Dan was a kind hearted human and he appreciated Phil for what he did – both present and past. Phil was too, which was why he wouldn’t dare blame Dan for what he did when he was still a young, undeveloped mind that relied on Phil’s presence to sort through his own existential self discovery.

But every day Phil thought about Dan in his arms all those years ago. The longing for this contact had never been stronger and with Dan’s new “touchy” demeanor, it seemed it was within reach. Like Dan was holding the fruit of his desires above his head and then calling it “friendship”.

Moving had been hard because when you live with someone for as long as Dan and Phil had, every object retains sediment that can’t be thrown away. Especially if you still feel some sort of way towards the memory or the thought the object represents. It pained Phil to watch Dan chuck things that still held so much sediment to him. Letters in green envelopes and CDs that contained songs like “Interrupted by Fireworks” and “Toxic”. Phil winced when Dan crumbled the drawing he had done for Dan when his Skype microphone broke that one time. He hoped Dan didn’t notice his overly eager offer to take the trash out, solely to fish a few of these objects out. Pressing the objects to his chest, he’d sneak them away into a box of his own and call it a good deed. Saving the memories of their relationship because Dan wouldn’t do it himself.

But why? To add to the shrine he kept in his closet along with the skeletons, that just collected dust and reminded him of something he could never have? To let them stand as a constant reminder for how much he’s lost? Sure, he had the real Dan and at least they were moving in with each other again. Dan was nowhere near independent enough to move away from Phil. But Phil felt like every morsel of their romance was being left behind in their London apartment that they decided on buying as a unit.

Now those boxes still sat in their downstairs lounge where Phil had left them. So many boxes filled with objects that Dan and Phil were supposed to leave behind. Of course, not all the boxes belonged to Phil. Some were Dan’s. Things that didn’t fit upstairs just yet. Objects his parents had given him that he couldn’t excuse throwing away. A big box of sheets that he wasn’t currently using and some Guild Wars merch that didn’t fit in his room’s aesthetic.

Why hadn’t they unpacked them? Well, let’s face it, both boys were lazy and it wasn’t high on their priority list. They’ve been busy. But secretly Phil couldn’t bare to open those boxes and sort through the few memories that were left, all the while, staring at Dan and pretending they evoked a separate emotion altogether.

The boxes probably would have stayed there for a while as well if not for the company they were expecting to have.

Well. The company Dan was expecting to have.

Dan had a couple of University mates that called and asked to come see their new place once they got wind of their move and of course, Dan with his pride and secret desire to prove he’s done something with his life, agreed to let them stay for a few days. When he came to Phil about it, Phil was actually pleased because sometimes he worried about Dan’s social outreaching skills and although his motive was to show off, these were still friends that Dan used to call dear and Phil approved of them.

All but one, that is.

One of Dan’s University mates, Jonah, was a man of many talents. He could simultaneously flirt with Dan and shun Phil at the exact same time. All the while, pretending like he was doing neither of those things. Once upon a time, when Phil was still worried about Dan and whether he and Phil were exclusive, he worried about Jonah and how close he chose to stand to Dan when they all hung out. Phil wasn’t the possessive type and without a label, he couldn’t do much, but Jonah surely knew how to challenge him.

At that time, their rule of communication was not in effect and Phil didn’t dare mention that he wasn’t particularly fond of Jonah, especially because Dan didn’t have many friends to begin with and Phil wasn’t about to be the reason Dan lost one. Not to mention, they weren’t exactly exclusive and Phil had no right to say anything. Phil figured he’d won back then and it didn’t matter that Jonah was throwing himself at Dan because Dan never reciprocated.

But things were different now. After all these years, Jonah was reappearing in their life and Phil hoped he had made enough of an impression back then that maybe he would keep his distance. That is, if Jonah was done playing his stupid games. Because this time, Phil didn’t have the place to fight back.

“So, Phil, we’re going to clean up these boxes before Thursday, right?” Dan asked, poking Phil in the side after their episode of Game of Thrones ended. Phil glanced over at the pile in the corner and sighed. They didn’t usually watch their shows down here, but Dan had just finished filming a video and Phil figured he’d bring the party to Dan instead of waiting upstairs for his friend to finish.

“Yeah, sure. Wanna do it Wednesday night? Cause you have your liveshow tomorrow?” Phil compromised, shoving a few pieces of popcorn rejects into his mouth from the bottom of the bowl they had been sharing.

“Right, right.” Dan nodded. “Wednesday is good.”

“Cool,” Phil confirmed, reminded suddenly of Jonah’s face and trying to hide the grimace.

Dan yawned and stretched, leaning his body into Phil’s lap, laughing and poking at Phil’s chest.

“Besides, most of those boxes belong to you anyway, you hoarder,” Dan teased and flashed Phil a full smile. Phil looked down at his face in his lap and wished he could lean down and kiss it. But instead, he just smiled down and poked Dan’s nose.

“What, are you afraid that your uni mates are going to think you’re living with a slob?” Phil snarked in rebuttal. “How do you think they’ll react when I tell them that it’s you who makes most of the mess around here?”

“They’ll say that you’re a liar!” Dan sat up and crossed his arms. “Because you are! Who’s the one who leaves their socks all over the place? And your contacts on the tap? And the cupboard doors open?”

“Okay okay, maybe I am the slob,” Phil admitted, not trying to have the roommate shaming conversation again. “I promise, I’ll help you clear them out.”

Shortly after that, they broke apart and headed to bed in order to get rest for the next morning. They had a couple gaming videos to make and edit and they couldn’t slack off if they wanted their weekend free for guests.

When Dan Howell got stressed out, he was notorious for getting snappy and sort of short with the people around him. This was a well known fact. Not just by Phil, but by most of his subscribers. In times of stress, Dan was the one to lash out and overreact to things with loud noises and dramatic exits. Phil got to experience these reactions first hand and it was one of the many reasons Phil was always cautious with his friend after a particularly bad day. Once Dan was set off, there wasn’t much hope and it was easy for him to snap at Phil for something that wasn’t even close to his fault. A flaw that Phil had become used to over the years.

When Phil Lester got stressed out, he got sick. He either lost his voice or he got something minor that caused his nose to run and his lungs to hack up various fluids. Sadly, usually it was Dan’s stress that caused Phil’s and on a very very bad day, it was an almost inevitable chain reaction. Once Dan shut down, it was up to Phil to clean up after Dan’s tornado of a tantrum.

Wednesday was rough. They spent the morning editing a video for their gaming channel and once they were nearly completed, their computer froze and the entire file was lost. This didn’t happen very often, but working with digital media was somewhat of a risk when it came to reliability. So they had to re-film the entire episode and re-edit it.

This would piss anyone off and Phil was admittedly kind of peeved, but he wasn’t stressed until Dan started yelling about it. There were several problems with their camera while they were filming the second time and by the end of their re-shoot, they couldn’t even use the footage anyway because Dan was super irritable and the banter was largely one sided. Of course, Dan blamed Phil and his editing skills and he stood abruptly after hours of re-watching it to go take a shower in an attempt to calm him down.

During Dan’s shower was when Phil felt the shift in his stomach. The one that was usually associated with a glass of milk. But Phil had drank no such milk and he rubbed it a little, ignoring it and promising himself to take an anti-acid later.

Dan was no less salty when he came from the shower an hour later. His hair wet and his face frowny. Phil still thought he looked cute, but of course he wouldn’t dare say something like that right now – or in general.

But that hour had been enough time for Phil’s stomach to invite a wave of uneasiness that was making it difficult to focus on anything at all. He knew that Dan and Phil were supposed to spend the night cleaning up the living room, but at the current moment that seemed nearly impossible.

But of course, with the stress that Dan was under, it was his first priority. He would stop at nothing to make sure their bottom level was clean for his guests.

“So are we going to clean now, or what?” Dan asked, his tone was harsh and his eyes dark. Phil knew that even a mild stomach ache wasn’t going to get him out of this task. He hoped to God it didn’t get worse and that this would be a painless process.

“Yeah, sure. It shouldn’t take long.”

“I mean, with as many boxes you have, it’s going to take all night,” Dan snarked. “It’s a wonder I’m even offering to help.”

Alright. So it was going to be that kind of night. The kind where the two were forced to be together for some sort of important task, yet one just wanted to be alone. Being work partners with your best friend had some ups and downs. The worst part, by far, was working together when one wasn’t in the mood. It made for difficult conversation and it isn’t as fun when your working partner is throwing shade at you at each opportunity. Especially if that partner is Dan Howell.

“Don’t worry, it’ll get done,” Phil’s words of encouragement were an attempt to ease Dan’s stress, but it didn’t seem that Dan was feeling very susceptible to Phil’s calming techniques tonight.

“It better,” he mumbled, heading downstairs for Phil to follow. Phil rolled his eyes once he knew Dan couldn’t see him and then he got up from the place on the couch he was laying. Much to his stomach’s protest, he quickly made his way downstairs.

Phil was doing his best to avoid the painful boxes. The ones that had memories stuffed to the brim. Instead, he tackled the box of Halloween decorations and Christmas lights. He fished through and got up multiple times to put something in it’s rightful place. Whether that was in a storage closet or another box in Phil’s room, it was getting done slowly. Dan was almost finished with a box of Guild War stuff, fishing through and trying to find an arm that had fallen from one of his figurines.

“God Damnit.”

Phil looked up.

“This fucking arm.” This was the first time Dan had spoken in about an hour and Phil was hesitant to respond. He decided against it because how does one even respond to the mumbles of the distressed? “Why haven’t we put these boxes away sooner?”

Now that was something Phil could respond to.

“Because we’re lazy,” he answered, not even pretending to lie about the real reason. Dan didn’t even look up, but his smirk said that Phil should tread carefully.

“Well we should have taken care of this earlier. It’s late and I’m going to be tired tomorrow. We have company,” Dan argued, his arms crossing over his chest. Phil was just about finished with the box he was unpacking, so he dumped the little pine needles from the wreath he just removed and flattened the box.

“You have company,” Phil said, his tone revealing his bitterness about the situation. He didn’t want Dan to sense that he was getting annoyed, but it wasn’t his fault that it was slipping out. However, Phil didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Dan had a meltdown right now so he kept it subtle. “It’ll get done.”

Dan said nothing and Phil figured it was a good enough time to go put the remaining Christmas stuff in the closet, so he stood and wobbled to his feet. His stomach growled loudly but not because Phil was hungry. It was churning the contents inside – the last being a sandwich he had made himself before the re-shoot – and growling angrily at Phil’s choice of activity. Phil had no choice but to ignore it, yet he knew he was making it worse by not going to bed at such a late hour. He knew in times like these, sleep could usually heal his problems.

When he came back though, he kind of wished he hadn’t. He re-entered the room and found Dan sifting though a box that definitely belonged to Phil. A box that Dan wasn’t even supposed to know existed. A box that held pretty much every romantic proof that existed between the two of them. And now, Dan’s uncaring fingers were digging through their past while Dan’s furrowed eyebrows showed his distaste.

He sensed Phil’s appearance in the doorway behind him because Phil made a little squeak of surprise when he saw which box Dan had decided to tackle.

“What the hell is this?” Dan said, his tone far more serious and angry than before.

Phil knew he should have taken that box to his room a long time ago. How stupid was he? Leaving something like this for Dan to find at will? Especially when Dan was in a mood like he was tonight.

“Phil!” Dan’s tone became sharper when he pulled out the drawing he had crumbled a few months back and thrown away. “Why do we still have this?”

Phil couldn’t describe the tone Dan was using because he honestly never used it. It was as if Dan was masking some sort of pain with this anger. As if he were not just angry with Phil, but angry at the object he was holding.

Suddenly Phil’s stomach wasn’t feeling even slightly okay. He swallowed and his blood ran cold.

“I-I…” Phil stumbled, wishing Dan would just stop pulling things from the box. But he was unstoppable and he kept lifting item after item. Things he had thrown out and things that he probably didn’t even know Phil had kept all these years. “…I don’t know. It’s just old stuff.”

“Old stuff,” Dan huffed sarcastically, his eyes rolling.

Phil stilled where he stood. He could see what Dan’s fingers were about to grab next and he held his breath as Dan’s eyes widened.

“Phil…” His teeth were clenched and his thumb nearly crushed the photograph he held in his hand. “You should not still have this…”

Phil’s stomach flipped over and he covered his mouth in case something came up his throat. He just stared at Dan with tears brimming his lids when Dan’s fist crumpled the beautiful photograph of the two of them in bed, right after one of the best nights of their lives. Dan’s head turned to Phil and his face was red and his eyebrows had never formed such a sharp angle in Phil’s direction.

“I cannot believe you, Phil.” His anger seeped through his teeth as it spit from his tongue. He shoved everything in the box and lidded it. “This is garbage.” He lifted the box and walked over to Phil who probably looked green. “It belongs in the trash.”

Phil knew that by trash he meant past. He could see it in Dan’s eyes. Then Dan stormed up the stairs with the box and Phil assumed that he probably went to throw it out for good. Well there went all the memories Phil had tried so hard to save…

Before long, Dan came barreling down the stairs and Phil had never seen him more angry than he was right now. His face was red and his teeth were showing. Dan’s anger came in waves usually and he beat it by yelling at the top of his lungs or crushing things in his hands, but what Dan did next was literally the last thing Phil ever thought he would do. No matter how angry he got.

He stomped up to Phil and grabbed the older boy’s shirt, Phil’s yelp echoed through the room as Dan shoved him against a wall.

“How dare you, Phil? I thought we were past this…” He muttered, staring Phil straight in the eyes. “After all these years. I thought you could get over that stupid phase.” He actually laughed, but his eyes never changed. Phil could smell his breath through his grimace. It wasn’t helping his stomach at all. “It is so dangerous to have these things around! Do you know what people would think if they found these? Do you know how much shit we’d have to explain?” He narrowed his dark eyes again. “I can’t believe you still have this box of lies…”

Now Phil was getting offended. Okay, so Dan was ashamed of his past with Phil. That’s fine. But denying it altogether? That was borderline lunacy. Phil was there too. He remembered what they used to be. He remembered how they used to act. Just because they never brought it up, didn’t mean it never happened.

“Do you want the internet to find out?” Dan spat. Obviously not. But he highly doubted someone from the internet would come across this box in their house. “Do you want us to have another incident? Like in 2012?”

Ah. 2012. The video they never once talked about. Phil was shunned for a month for absolutely no reason and there was no conversation about the living, breathing proof that was leaked accidentally on the internet. It probably only fueled Dan’s paranoia and pushed Phil further from his close circle of trust. So Phil just cleaned up the mess, hiring someone to go on and remove it from the internet the best they could. He still signed paper checks to their copyright agent twice a year so it got removed.

“N-no. I just thought-”

“Well stop thinking! Let it go! Can’t you just be happy with the present?” Dan sneered, letting go of Phil’s shirt and stepping back.

Phil’s stomach churned but he stood still and said nothing. He watched Dan as he spun around and pushed his hands through his tangled hair. It was best to say nothing in a time like this. Dan sighed loudly.

“Sometimes it’s really hard to be your best friend, Phil.”

Now that stung.

Phil didn’t usually like to overanalyze, but in this case, he deemed himself allowed. Dan just phrased it “your best friend.” As if Dan was only Phil’s best friend. As if Dan had another friend he deemed more important in status.

His stomach growled angrily and his eyes started to water. He couldn’t tell if it was the ill feeling in his stomach or the emotional blow he just took, but he let his chin quiver as he stared at Dan.

The silence that followed could have made a library feel like a basketball court. The two stood in the same spot – Phil against a wall, his breathing ragged, and Dan standing with his hands on his hips in the middle of the room. But this silence only gave Phil another chance to feel his stomach turn and he knew that he had to go be horizontal. Suddenly not even the rift in their friendship could keep him standing in this room. He was either going to puke right now or go lie down. This physical stress would not do.

“My stomach really hurts…um…” Phil gulped, his voice breaking lightly. “I’m gonna go lie down.”

Dan turned around with fire in his eyes.

“Really? You’re just going to leave these boxes?”

“Dan…seriously. My stomach-”

“Fine, whatever. I don’t even care.”

“Sorry Dan, I just-”

“Save it. I can’t do this right now. I’m going to bed,” he scowled. “I’ll just tell my guests that you felt like being a shitty friend.”

Phil knew Dan was in a bad mood before he started, but he still couldn’t believe how hurtful his words were. For some reason, this seemed more personal than usual. Like Dan was lashing out at him for more than just the boxes.

Before he knew it, Dan had stomped up the stairs and he actually heard Dan’s bedroom door shut all the way from where he stood.

He felt faint.

Dan and he hadn’t had a fight like that in a while. Their communication was good enough that when they had an issue, a screaming match wasn’t necessary. This mess seemed like it was going to be harder to pick up than usual.

Which is why Phil took a moment to sit on the couch and catch his breath, making a short trip to find a few antacids and then he decided (against his stomach’s will) to stay up and clean the rest of the boxes. If only to ease the guilt and not be the shitty friend Dan thought he was being. He didn’t know why he felt like he needed to prove that he wasn’t, and perhaps it was the pressure of Jonah that made him do it, but the downstairs level was spotless by the time he was done. He even laid out blankets for Dan’s friends to use while they crashed on the couch.

Phil was a good person and a good friend. No matter how complicated their past was.

He put himself to bed with a pain in his stomach and the guilt weighing his heart.

He awoke to a tiny knock on his door and he startled awake.

The first thing he noticed was that his stomach was in more pain than it had been the night before. He felt like he had ingested something rancid and he was sure his skin matched the green of his sheets. He sat up in a cold sweat and fell down again with a dizzy haze. But the only person that could be on the other side of the door was Dan so he sat up and wiped his face with his duvet, trying to look normal. He didn’t want to make Dan more angry.

“Come in!” Phil yelled, his voice hoarse – which was a tell tale sign that he was ill. His voice was always the first to go.

Dan entered. He was dressed and ready for the day. But instead of his usual embraced curly hair, he had spent time straightening it. Phil didn’t want to ask why but it was unusual to see the throwback hairstyle.

“Hey,” Dan started, his eyes not even bothering to meet Phil’s.

“Morning.”

There was a silence, but it wasn’t nearly as brutal as the night before.

“I see you unpacked everything,” Dan gestured out to the lounge. “Thanks.”

“Sure,” Phil said, his heart begging for an apology that he knew he wouldn’t get. And like the zero-backboned human he was, a “Sorry” slipped out of his own mouth.

“That’s okay.” Dan accepted, looking at the ground. “Just next time, don’t lie about a stomach ache. That was pretty low.”

Phil was in disbelief. It was as if Dan was mentally repressing everything that happened with the items in that box, only mentioning the part where Phil “lied” about his stomach. Dan was completely in the wrong here, but Phil didn’t want to fight him. If he tried to argue now, Dan would only get more angry and it was best they weren’t in the middle of a feud when Dan’s friends arrived.

“Okay.” Phil nodded, trying his hardest to look healthy. He really needed Dan to believe it. Even though he felt like absolute shit.

“The gang is getting here in an hour. I thought I’d let you know,” Dan changed the subject, his eyes still not meeting Phil’s. Perhaps that was good. This way, Phil wouldn’t give away his illness by the glassy eyes he couldn’t shake. “You’re coming out to lunch with us, right?”

Phil recalled agreeing to this a week ago but he wasn’t so sure how well he would hold up while out of the house. But his head nodded without consent and then Dan was nodding back and shutting Phil’s door, leaving him to get ready by himself.

As if the Universe was getting a kick out of Phil’s misery, the gang got to their flat almost twenty minutes early and Jonah led the pack with the same flirty grace that he had showcased all those years before. He waltzed in and joked with Phil about his age and how it wasn’t treating him well – not passing up the opportunity to make a remark about his ill-looking features. Next thing Phil knew, Jonah was hanging on Dan’s arm, just like old times, and when the checks at lunch were distributed, it was no surprise that Dan’s was taken care of. Phil muttered to himself when Jonah glanced at him, as if he were claiming something with his stupid money from his stupid office job.

Movie night didn’t ease the pain, as Jonah stole the spot beside Dan and his head landed innocently on Phil’s best friend’s shoulder. Dan didn’t even seem to notice that Jonah was hanging on his every word. Jonah would laugh as if he were a trained dog on command. Not even Phil found the comments Jonah seemed to laugh the hardest at funny. He just looked away and forced a smile.

The whole afternoon was hard to stomach, but Phil’s actual organ was giving him a hard time on top of it all. It was clear that something was wrong and he had been so distracted by the obvious flirtation that he had completely forgotten about how terrible he felt. After the movie was over and Dan suggested that they all move to the kitchen and open a bottle of wine, Phil finally paid the slightest attention to the angry sounding growls that were now making him clutch his lower left side.

Well fuck.

He glanced over at Jonah who was eying his strange behavior, as if he were waiting for Phil to call it a night before pouncing on Dan like some sort of prey, and then he looked to his feet. He might as well admit defeat. It’s not like Dan and he were in a good place anyway. Their chemistry had been a little off all day and if Phil was being honest, he was kind of salty about it. Sure, Phil wasn’t being 100% because he was actually ill, but he was doing his best. Apparently, even his best wasn’t enough for Dan today.

Usually, when one of them was feeling off, the other overcompensated and was able to pick up the slack. Just so that their friendship didn’t falter and thank God they could read each other so well. It made their group hang outs much easier. When one of the two seemed a little low energy, yet they still wanted to be a part of the plan, the second would just bump it up a little and pretend that everything was fine. Tonight, it seemed that at every attempt he made to start a conversation, Dan would shut it down. He wasn’t letting their usual banter slip from their mouths and he held in comments that he might usually make to cover up Phil’s lower-energy behavior. In fact, even when Phil tried to say something about how he was just “slightly tired” from overworking himself the night before, Dan just laughed and said “But didn’t you get lots of sleep?” Completely disregarding how he must have been up half the night unpacking the boxes that Dan left him. Throwing his own sleep out the window for their friendship.

But that was exactly why Phil couldn’t admit defeat. If Dan so much as thought Phil was faking a stomach issue again, he would be toast. He would leave the room and Dan would roll his eyes before saying something incredibly hurtful behind his back. Phil knew. He’d seen it before. Dan Howell was not the guy you wanted to piss off. He was the guy you wanted on your side. With how fragile everything was at that moment, it seemed like a terrible idea to leave him with his friends. So for now, he would stand in the corner of the kitchen and watch Dan get eaten alive by the eyes of his old friend - until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He took the glass of wine from whomever was handing it him and he sipped it, ignoring the protest from his stomach that he most certainly should have listened to.

Only an hour later and a couple glasses down, his limit was hit. In an effort to blend in, he filled his glass with water when nobody was looking and then chugged it, pretending it was another glass of wine. Three was enough to get him a little tipsy. At least tipsy enough to need a piss.

He slammed his glass on the table – a little too loudly – and then announced his departure. Everyone nodded but continued talking as Phil stalked down the hall and into the room at the end. As soon as the door was shut, he leaned against it and swallowed. He looked across and into the mirror where he got a glimpse of his face, the one that had turned a lovely pale shade of green, his lips chapping and his eyes glazing over even more. He knew that look. He could tell it from all the times he had felt this way before. He was going to puke. He rolled his eyes at himself - and at Dan – letting himself fall to his knees. He bent over the toilet and he waited. It was coming. He was sure of it.

A minute later, he proved himself right. He let the contents of his stupid lunch sandwich fall from his throat as he heaved with distress. The wine burned a little and he winced because he knew he should have held off. He could have just had water and nobody would have cared. If it weren’t for Jonah, he might not have made such a stupid decision.

It’s always easier to blame your problems on someone else, isn’t it?

He finished his business, splashing some water on his face and trying to clear the blotchy look that he was so clearly sporting, then he reached for the door handle and flung it open.

And was greeted with Jonah, tapping his foot against the floor and scrolling through something that looked like Reddit.

“You feeling okay, Mate?” he asked, his smile looking so genuine yet Phil knew it was entirely fake. “That didn’t sound good.”

Phil grumbled, knowing that he had only a couple options here. Lie and tell Jonah that he had drank too much or tell him the truth about his stomach problems. He stuttered and sighed, rolling his eyes slightly.

“Yeah, I drank too much.”

Jonah laughed.

Great. Now Phil looked like he couldn’t hold his liquor. That, or he was an irresponsible adult that couldn’t tell when to stop. To be fair, that was accurate.

“Must be a product of old age. Can’t keep up with us young'ins, huh?” He laughed but his tone was bitter. He had won and Phil was in no mood to fight.

“Yeah. I guess not.”

Jonah gave him a sympathy smile and pat him on the shoulder blade as he passed him, pushing himself into the bathroom. Phil just slumped and wiped his mouth, just in case something was on his face, then proceeded back into the kitchen.

Surprised to be walking into a room with just Dan, he looked around.

“Where did uh…” he cocked his head and Dan nodded.

“They went downstairs to change. We were thinking about playing a board game. You in?”

Phil could barely cut the tension in this room with the sharpest knife in their drawer. Dan hadn’t even looked up from his phone to answer Phil’s question. Phil didn’t like the lack of eye contact and even though he could still taste the bitter from his own bile, he swallowed it and smiled.

“Of course.”

Team games were their shit. Dan and Phil could crush any number of people with their amazing telepathic skills. A game where they could team up was ideal because they would nearly never lose. A game where they were supposed to “prove how close they were” was even better. This simple best-friend question game was almost always their ploy to win game night. Whenever they suggested it, they would prove to everyone that they were the two best-est friends that could ever be. That is, unless one of them isn’t feeling that great. And tonight, they weren’t doing so hot. It was Jonah who suggested it actually and Phil was kind of insulted that Dan tried to change his mind. But the fucker wasn’t having it. He wanted to play and Phil almost cheered aloud when Dan shrugged but picked Phil as his partner. That was the one move tonight where Phil didn’t feel like a loser. Jonah huffed about it, but now they were losing and he looked even happier. Whether that was because Phil was feeling completely incapable of thinking straight or because Dan and Phil had fought the night before, Jonah and his team mate were winning the game by a landslide and Dan was being the opposite of a graceful loser.

Of course, once they were halfway through the game and the chance of the two winning was at best slim, Dan started pouting. He would throw shade in Phil’s direction for nearly no reason at all. Usually it came out at playful jabs but today the knives were sharper. They felt more personal. Like they were meant as a sign of dominance. Or a threat. As though Dan were trying to prove himself.

The combination of Phil’s already upset stomach, his lack of sleep and his so-called best friend jabbing him at every chance, caused Phil’s fuse to get shorter. He was just about done. And when Dan rolled the dice and picked up a card that read “What is your partner’s biggest flaw?”, Phil knew he was in for a killing. Dan didn’t so much as smile as he threw the card down on the table and nodded. He looked Phil directly in the eyes and said “you’re incapable of letting things go.”

Phil’s eye twitched.

His stomach growled and his lip quivered.

That was it.

He gave Dan a pity smile, nodding and balling his fists at his sides. He looked at the people in the room with that same smile and then he looked to his lap. He felt the anger from the night before as it hit him in the face. Clearly Dan wasn’t actually over it. How could he be? The last time they had a fight like this, Dan didn’t come around for a long while. He might as well gear up for another one of those.

He let out a huff of defeat and he looked up at Dan again, already picturing how Dan was going to react to what he was about to say.

“Sorry guys, my stomach really hurts. I think I’m coming down with something.” Dan’s smile fell, as expected. “I’m gonna turn in early.”

There was a silence, as if the others couldn’t tell whether that was in reaction to the jab or if he was being serious. It didn’t matter though because Dan’s face said it all. He was looking at Phil as if he were making the biggest mistake of his life. And maybe he was. But he wasn’t going to sit there and take this abuse for any longer. His stomach hurt, his head was spinning and Jonah was grinning at him like he had just won the lottery. Phil slowly stood and he nodded, mumbling a little sorry and clutching his stomach as he exited the living room.

Before he could register the “be right back” that came from the other room, he was being grabbed in the arm by Dan himself. The boy had followed him into the hallway and was now not letting him move. Phil tried to wriggle away but his younger friend wasn’t having it.

“What do you want from me?” Phil asked, his voice sounding just as broken as he felt.

“What the hell, Phil?” Dan ignored his question. “We need to win! You can’t just quit!”

“I can and I really don’t feel well. Can I just-”

“No! You can’t just leave! That was really rude,” Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “What am I supposed to tell them?”

Phil closed his eyes and leaned against the wall.

“That I’m sick and need to rest.”

“We both know that’s bullshit.”

Who the hell was Dan Howell to tell him that his feelings were bullshit?

“You’re just upset because I called you out,” Dan claimed, shaking his head. “You should have thought of that before you kept that stupid box of things.”

Phil opened his eyes and blinked back at Dan in disbelief.

“Lighten up, Phil. You know I was joking.” He claimed, in reference to his quote from earlier. “I’m sorry if it seemed too real.”

Oh so now he was sorry. Now that his honor was in jeopardy.

“I need you. C'mon Phil. We can win this.”

Phil was angry, his stomach hurt and all he wanted to do was knock himself out and sleep the pain away. But now Dan was standing there with his chocolate brown eyes, asking him to stay. Phil was tired of fighting and if Dan was going to calm down, perhaps he could stick out the rest of the night. If at least the rest of the game. He slumped and gave Dan a look of defeat, fueling the smirk on the other boy’s face, only to receive a slap on the back.

“Great! Now let’s go win that game!”

Phil followed Dan into the lounge and tried to listen as Dan gave some excuse about how Phil had been joking and that this was a game they liked to play when it was just the two of them.

Two more question cards passed and Phil was beginning to slump. He felt his face turn the color of a faded green chalkboard, only to look up and lock eyes with Jonah. His dark brown eyes threw Phil back to the days where Dan was his. He could feel Dan’s presence beside him now and couldn’t help but notice how much further he was than he used to be. Jonah’s eyes reminded him of how platonic they had become and how he still held onto the letters and the evidence because he was afraid of letting go. Ultimately, Dan was right. Phil didn’t want to let go. But it wasn’t his fault that he still saw a glimpse of the old Dan beneath the skin of the new. It wasn’t his fault that he might still be in love with the younger boy that didn’t love him back. And it certainly wasn’t his fault that Jonah’s eyes made him sick to his stomach.

And before Jonah’s partner could even complete his question, Phil’s stomach angrily twisted and decided to reveal its contents to everyone in the room. Phil wished he could stop it from happening – mostly because he really liked that game and now it was totally ruined – but also because he wasn’t a graceful upchuck-er. He tried to turn his head but his throat opened and the last thing he remembered before passing out, was Dan’s face full of regret.

Phil was awoken from an unusually disorienting set of nightmares, only to be greeted by the man of his worries. Dan was gently shaking him and if he weren’t so sick, he might of slept through it. However, with his luck lately, Dan probably needed him for something.

Couldn’t he just leave Phil be? He could deal with this whole friendship mess later. For now, he just wanted to rest.

Yet when his slitted eyes finally found the courage to land upon the other boy’s face, there was a different light behind his eyes. This one more wary than usual. Phil immediately closed his eyes again because he couldn’t let Dan do what he so often was able, which was distracting Phil with his charm. Phil would fall for anything Dan pulled and that’s what got him into this mess in the first place. He groaned a little and tossed his head to the side and told Dan to fuck off – wordlessly of course.

“Hey. Phil. Wake up.” Dan was chanting quietly and Phil then realized that maybe he had just fallen asleep again. He didn’t know. He was too busy nursing his own throbbing head. “Phil please. I brought you some tea.”

Dan brought him some tea? Well that was awfully nice of him.

Phil allowed his eyes to open, directing his gaze onto the side table where indeed a mug of tea steamed beside him. There was even a little saucer with cookies sitting next to it. His stomach didn’t lurch uncomfortably at the thought of eating them and Phil figured that was a good sign. He let his head face Dan’s again and he opened his eyes to see a very nervous Dan Howell sitting on the side of his bed.

“Thanks.” Phil smiled with as little effort as possible, his eyes shutting again.

There was an agonizing moment of silence that Phil could have used to fall back asleep again, but he chose to stay awake because Dan wasn’t leaving.

Why wasn’t he leaving?

“There are also some cookies…you know…for your stomach,” Dan added nervously.

“Yeah.” Phil could see that. “Thanks.”

Another long silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were sick?”

…

Phil was gonna kill this man.

His eyes shot open and he looked Dan in the eye, about ready to throw up again. This time on Dan’s pretty fucking face.

“Are you kidding me?” Phil accused, his mouth forming a straight line and his brows furrowing. He was in danger of biting a hole into his cheek with how hard he was grimacing.

Dan seemed startled by the response, then his face kind of went red and his body crumbled into himself. Phil wasn’t expecting that. Dan put his face in his hands and shook his head.

“Sorry…sorry, I know. I guess I mean…” Dan’s voice turned into a quiet mumble. “Why didn’t I listen…?”

Well that, Phil couldn’t answer.

Dan’s face didn’t leave his palms for a moment. His body was slumped over and Phil couldn’t help but notice that Dan hadn’t looked this vulnerable in years. Not since he was still a teenager. Not since before he changed everything about their relationship.

Phil never liked awkward silences and it was his nature to fill them. Even when the words that came out of his mouth weren’t true. “I understand. You were mad…”

“No, Phil. That’s not an excuse.” His tone was defeated and Phil honestly didn’t know how to interpret it. This was a first. Dan’s entire being was surrounded by a nervous air and he wasn’t so sure how to react. The only thing he could relate this to was one of Dan’s existential crises. Usually those happened while lying vertical on the hallway carpet. Last time Phil checked, they were alone in his room and Phil was the one in the compromising position.

That’s when Phil realized that they were actually completely alone.

“W-wait. Where’s Jonah and-”

“I sent them home.”

“What?” Phil closed his eyes. His head hurt way too much for this. “Why?”

Now it was Dan’s turn to stare at Phil like he had three heads.

“Because you aren’t feeling well…” He spoke as if that were obvious.

I guess it made sense. Phil didn’t want to get anyone else sick.

“…and I wouldn’t want you to miss out on the weekend.” Dan finished. “We can reschedule.”

“Oh joy.” Phil rolled his eyes and slumped. So Dan didn’t want him to miss out of an entire weekend where Jonah hung from his arm and killed Phil over and over with his stare?

Dan said nothing, which was uncharacteristic of him, especially since Phil just insulted his friends. Phil took the moment of silence to shift himself to his side where he could curl up a little bit more. Even when he accidentally hit Dan in the back with his knee, the younger boy still didn’t move. Most of the time, Phil made it a point to solve problems right away instead of letting them fester over a night’s rest, but right now he just wanted to sleep. The rift in their relationship could wait.

“I’m so sorry, Phil.”

The words seemed to come from nowhere. They were muffled because Dan’s face was in his hands once again. There were a million reasons why Dan could be sorry. Was he sorry for snapping? Was he sorry for leaving Phil to clean their lower level? Was he sorry for being cold the past 24 hours? Was he sorry for sticking around when Phil clearly just wanted to be alone? Phil hated himself for even asking, but he honestly wasn’t sure, “What for?”

Dan sighed and when he looked up from his hands, turning his gaze to Phil’s eyes for the first time in minutes, he looked a wreck. Phil noticed the tears brimming his lids and if he wasn’t such a petty bastard, he might have felt sorry. But Phil has stood before Dan with the same kind of look and received nothing but a glare before. What made Dan think he got special treatment?

“I’m so stupid, Phil. I’m incredibly stupid.” Dan blubbered, his voice cracking. With each statement Phil was getting more and more confused. It wasn’t like Dan to cry like this. It wasn’t like Dan to even say he’s sorry. Phil wasn’t complaining, but he was slightly concerned. What did Dan think he did?

“It’s so fucked up.” Dan explained. “What I’ve done to you.”

Well shit.

“I have been a really terrible friend and…and I have no idea how to fix this.”

Phil decided that if he didn’t say something now, Dan might break into a panic attack, which was the opposite of what Phil wanted to deal with right now.

“No…it’s okay. You’re fi-”

“No! Stop saying that! It’s not okay. We both know it’s not okay.” Dan was sitting up now. His body took on a defensive stance as if he were ready for battle. But this time, he didn’t look ready to fight Phil; he looked ready to fight himself. “I was so mad at you yesterday and I owe you an explanation.”

“Dan-”

“Please Phil. Just listen to me for a second…” Dan begged, his voice low, yet still impossible to talk over. Phil shut his mouth and let him go on, his eyes fixed on Dan’s reddened cheeks. “I need to tell you this now or I might never get the courage to say it again.” He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked at the ceiling. “I know I was a dick to you all those years ago. And I never properly apologized. So…I’m really sorry about what I did to you. I was so…” He swallowed. “I was so scared back then. I was scared of losing you. But I knew if we never dated, than we couldn’t break up…and so once things started getting serious and you started talking about-”

Phil watched Dan hesitate, his brown eyes shutting as his memory most likely reminded him of words Phil had used all those years ago. “Future” “Love” “Boyfriend”. That must have been pretty scary as a 19 year old kid.

“…what we were…” Dan chose his words carefully. “I told myself I couldn’t let it happen. So for an entire two years I only let us be friends. I made sure of it. No matter how much my gut told me not to.” Dan’s eyes returned to Phil and he almost looked like he didn’t want to make contact, but it was necessary for what he was about to say. “I did love you, Phil. I loved you so much. Hell…I still love you….”

Phil blushed crimson.

“But I was so terrified that I was going to lose you that…” He looked down. “…that I didn’t even notice that I already had.”

He stood from the bed and Phil could feel the warmth that was leftover in the spot he was sitting. Phil watched as he started pacing.

“I threw away all that stuff when we moved because I was hoping the feelings would go with it…that I could just, remove those objects and everything would fade from my memory. And for a while, it worked. The whole, out of sight out of mind thing…but it turns out that doesn’t work long term. It turns out, it only makes you remember more.”

He said all this with a tone of sadness that Phil had never heard come from Dan. It was like a rich chocolate that you could only get on the rarest of occasions.

“But then you told me that we needed to talk and I was so angry with myself that I panicked and told you the opposite of what I wanted you to hear. You basically told me that I broke your heart and all I could do was call you delusional…” Dan sounded so disappointed in himself. “And I knew I just hurt you more. But to make me feel less guilty…I went with it. I pretended that I didn’t have any idea what we used to be, even though every night I would lie on the other side of the wall and think about how much I wanted to be lying with you.”

At this point, Phil was shocked. He hadn’t known any of this. But it made sense.

“I missed all those nights we spent together and the three hour breakfasts…” Dan admitted, his voice soft. “And then I found that box…”

Now it was Phil’s turn to feel bad. He had deliberately taken all of those things from the trash and kept them, only for Dan to find the box and shove the memories back into his face. Phil never knew that Dan found them so painful.

Before Phil could manage an apology of his own, Dan stopped pacing, bit his lip and dug into his jean pocket, pulling out a very crumpled up photo. The exact photo that seemed to have set him off the night before. He un-crumbled it and looked down, as if he were re-living the memory.

“This was one of the happiest moments of my life, Phil…” Dan admitted, as if he knew that Phil felt the exact same way. “I took one look at this the other night and everything came back. Like we took it just yesterday…”

Phil swallowed the lump in his throat.

“And I didn’t know how to tell you that I fucked it all up. I’m the entire reason that we couldn’t stay together. I was just too scared to have a real relationship with real feelings and real stakes. I can’t believe you stuck around me for so long…and for the longest time I thought it was because you were still in love with me too and you couldn’t see how horrible I had been. But then we started getting closer and suddenly I blinked again and we were closer than we were before…” Dan cleared his throat. “Maybe not physically…” He started pacing again. “…but I was so comfortable around you and I started thinking about how stupid I was. How incredibly ungrateful I must have been…to give up someone like you for my own lonesome sorrows. God I’m such a dick…”

Phil couldn’t believe what he was hearing, yet at the same time, it was all so believable. He saw it in Dan’s eyes. The way he looked at Phil. Like he was constantly trying to hide something. Even the other night, he looked so hurt behind all that anger. Phil could tell that he wasn’t lying about this. Something about it seemed so real. So completely honest.

“I’m so so sorry, Phil. I am so ashamed…” Dan’s voice cracked again and he stopped his pacing once more. This time, he was facing away from Phil and the older boy could sense that he must have been crying. Phil would be too if he weren’t so shocked. “I was a different person all those years ago and I just…I don’t know what to do to fix this. How do I show you that I’m sorry?”

Another silence filled the room, but this time Phil didn’t read it as awkward or tense. He could feel how much the other boy felt for him. He could see the pain he must be exuding.

“I mean, hell, I don’t even know if you feel the same way…” Dan mumbled. “For all I know, you don’t even like me as a friend. I’ve been so terrible to you that I wouldn’t be surprised if-”

“Dan.”

Phil’s voice sounded so foreign to his own ears. He was getting so used to Dan’s; letting it melt into his ears as it usually did.

Dan quieted himself, yet he didn’t turn around.

“Dan I could never not like you.” Phil reassured, knowing the younger boy needed to hear something of the sort. Otherwise he might slink away into a hole of self doubt and worry. “Come here.”

Dan stiffened, but after a few seconds he complied and he walked over to the bed, sitting where he sat before. This time, more delicately. Phil reached out and took the photograph from Dan’s nervous hands, pulling it close to his face. He didn’t have his glasses on and he wasn’t about to ruin the moment to ask where they were.

“This was such a great night,” Phil laughed. “I remember that you got some sort of sticky stuff in your hair and we couldn’t figure out if it was leftover icing or-”

Phil stopped himself with a cough, glad that he didn’t finish the sentence. He saw Dan smile in the corner of his eye. Even if it was a blurry mess.

Phil put the photo on the side table and returned his gaze to his best friend.

“Dan…I could never not love you,” Phil admitted, not trying to draw out the confession. He knew how much those words meant to Dan right now. “I love you so much. Why the hell do you think I kept that box?”

Dan shrugged.

“Because I wanted to save every last memory. I never wanted to let go. I was so worried you had just thrown away that chapter of your life. Left it behind to be lost forever,” Phil smiled. “I’m incapable of letting things go…remember?”

Dan kind of chuckled but he shook his head.

Phil reached out and grabbed Dan’s hand, which startled him.

“Can you…just…clarify one thing for me?” Phil asked, his voice suggesting that he was about to be treading in dangerous waters. He just needed to hear it from Dan one more time. Just so he knew for sure. Dan nodded and Phil paused. “Are you saying that you still want to be with me, Dan Howell?”

Dan didn’t say anything for a long time. His face was as still as stone and his features were impossible to read. But Dan had given him everything tonight. The least Phil could do was lend him some patience.

“…yes.” Dan said slowly. His hands started wringing and he picked up the photograph to keep his wanting hands busy. “But I’m so scared.”

The second part of his sentence was so quiet that Phil wasn’t even sure he heard correctly. But his heart heard it. Dan was terrified. He didn’t want to lose Phil.

But that was good news. Because Phil was incapable of letting Dan go.

Phil gave Dan a comforting smile and with that he noticed that his headache wasn’t too bad anymore. He still felt like if he got up he would throw up everything, but his relief was making it a lot easier to cope.

“Don’t be scared…” Phil spoke softly, his eyes closing. “You’re so brave.”

Phil could see it now. How much Dan had grown. How much he had changed all these years. He had been so young and naive. Their time together as friends had helped Dan become the man who sat before him today. The one that was telling him that he was honestly sorry. Phil could not have been more proud.

“Really?” Dan asked, his old timid nature showing through his newfound confidence.

“Yes.” Phil confirmed with a grin. “I love you so much.”

Dan’s face broke into a grin and his cheeks flushed. There was a moment where neither knew what to do and Phil so desperately wished that he could sit up and kiss the smile off Dan’s face. For the first time in nearly 7 years.

But he was sick and he wasn’t about to give Dan the plague, so he laughed to himself and nodded.

“I guess we can save the kiss for when I feel better…” Phil joked, knowing that Dan was probably thinking the same thing. Their awkward chuckles blended and Phil didn’t know he missed it so much until now. “And uh…I hate to say I told you so…but next time, if I say my stomach hurts, please don’t make me play any games…”

Dan laughed but his eyes glistened with an apology. He was sorry. Phil knew it. Plus, he had admitted far more than Phil expected today. He was off the hook.

“Okay…but hear me out…” Dan argued playfully. “I didn’t want that asshole winning.”

Phil blinked.

“What asshole?”

“Jonah!”

Phil cocked an eyebrow.

“Wait…”

“Phil, you don’t actually think I like that guy, do you?” Dan looked at Phil like he was crazy. As if it had been obvious. Dan waited for a moment and then threw his head back in laughter. “God, Jonah is a bloody asshat! I only told him he could come over because I wanted to shove it into his face how much happier I ended up.”

“Oh…” Phil chuckled nervously. “Really?”

“Yeah. That guy is always breathing down my neck because he knows I fancy you,” Dan shrugged. “I told him years ago when he came on to me.”

Phil’s mouth dropped.

“You told Jonah and you couldn’t even tell me?” Phil shoved Dan with his knee while they both laughed. “God he is an asshat.”

“Yeah…I won’t have him round anymore. I promise.” Dan smiled and pat Phil on the leg as he stood. “Now heal up. I want to have that sweet sweet getting back together sex with the man I’ve been lusting after for years.”

Phil sighed and fell back against his pillow as Dan left the room, leaving Phil with half a headache and another problem he’d have to sleep off.

[cyndifferous]

Kind of a Neverender Story

On May 2nd I attended my 10th Coheed and Cambria show and every day that followed for a month or so since then was a storm of emotions and fuzzy feelings. Every time I try to write this down I get annoyed at my own self and trash it so please bear with me. 5 years ago, February 2012, I got an email about Coheed going on tour like the dozens of emails that came before it since I discovered them only this time, almost 10 years into being a fan I finally decided it was time to go. "I need to do this, babe, just once. I need to get it out of my system, I'll never ask again. Just once." That's what I said to my husband before buying our tickets. I've been living this lie for over five years now, and there's no signs of stopping because every moment since then has been like living in a surrealistic bubble of "how did I get from there to here?" Plus I've won him completely over to the Coheed side, he doesn't even try to fight it anymore. We went and I got my first taste of what it was truly like to be a Child of the Fence. There were people in line with guitars singing Coheed songs, no one was rude, it was like everyone knew everyone else and in a way they did because I learned that every Coheed fan has a home in other Coheed fans. I ran in terror every time a band member was coming or going from the bus, amazed that they were so approachable as other fans said hi or got autographs. My brother in law had a good laugh at my expense when he said, "isn't the lead singer the one with the big hair? He's right there," while I stood frozen in place and I'm sure all the color drained from my face. I literally could not force myself to move. The show was absolutely everything I'd dreamed about and so much more. I found myself square in the danger zone of the pit, the crowd was insanely rough, but my eyes did not waiver from that stage. I planted my feet and turned all my focus into not getting sucked backward so I wouldn't miss a single thing. Every memory of coming to love this band, every part of my past life and the people I shared it with, every painful experience in my life that their music carried me through flooded my mind and hit me in my soul. Watching these guys perform with such zest and energy, as if it would be their last show ever breathed life into me, and when Claudio sang Mother Superior, my favorite song at the time, I wept openly and unabashedly while my husband held me tight. (Ok he was actually holding me up because I was not prepared for how physically exhausted I would be) After the show tons of people were gathered on the corner by the tour bus and I talked my husband into letting us stay despite the 3 hour drive home ahead of us. I met so many COTF that I still know and attend shows with today, people I consider "staples" because I always expect to see them in my corner of the southern US and they're always there. The crowd thinned and suddenly Josh pops out of the building and yells, "WHERE IS DOUGIEFRIZZLE?" o.O This Dougie character skips up, vinyl sleeve in hand (an OG IKS pressing), gets it signed by Josh, gives him a huge hug, explains that he's been waiting forever for Josh to rejoin the band because he was missing only his signature. As it turned out, Doug had tweeted to him that he needed him to sign and Josh being the amazing human he is came out to make it happen. Josh hung out for a bit, talking to everyone, signing things and posing for pictures, even gave one guy a beer from the bus because he said that's all he wanted. I was still terrified and I'm pretty sure I didn't speak. Some time around 2 am, what was once a crowd of us had thinned to about 25 of us; venue security had gone home no doubt believing that we are all insane, and my brother in law had long since retreated to the car to sleep. Coheed's tour manager, Pete, came off the bus and in a very no-nonsense manner gave us the news we'd been waiting for, that the band was going to come out for a meet and greet. At 2 am. In downtown Birmingham. WHAT!! "Have your cameras out, I will take your pictures, if you want something signed have it ready. Any shenanigans and we're getting back on the bus." I didn't have any words for them, except that Zach didn't come out so I requested that. He came and said "I didn't think anyone would want me to," so humble and sweet that man is. I left after getting my pictures and my ticket signed (by all but Josh) and when we passed back by I yelled "I love you Claudio" out the car window and I still cringe when I think of that, hahaha! I didn't sleep that night, how do you just go to sleep when you can feel your life slowly pulling into focus? I love my husband and my children, but I'm a stay at home mom and it can really be the pits sometimes despite the fact that I know I'm extremely lucky to be able to be home with them. At this particular time in my life things were out of whack for me, not as badly as they would come to be, but enough that my own worth already felt unimportant and lost in the repetitiveness of my boring existence. I revitalized a twitter account I had created a few years before and never tweeted from and went on a follow frenzy. I filled the void left by being stuck at home all the time with Coheed fans. I finally had a place to let me be myself, not wife or mommy, just Cyndi. Not only that, but I found hundreds of people just like me: totally invested in Coheed and Cambria, excited about it all the time, where the conversation never ended. People from all over the world, different ages, and from every walk of life you could imagine. What I found was my second home. Thus Cyndifferous was born and I'm onto the meat of my story. In the Coheed community, 10 shows is a drop in the bucket for a lot more fans than you would think, so while I'm personally celebrating that accomplishment, what I came here to talk about isn't that at all. I want to talk about the fans, my friends, my people. I threw myself into the community, dubbing twitter my own personal Heedfeed. I'm always excited about Coheed and when other people are excited too it bleeds back into me and doubles it. I'm pretty sure that I have organs and a nervous system that keep me living, but I'm also pretty sure that without Coheed & the COTF it would all cease to function. I'm a people person and the COTF community welcomed me with open arms. I started using keyword searches to find new friends, and also to share excellent content that may have otherwise been missed. What's great about our community is that even when the band is taking time off, or there's a lull while waiting for movement, there's still ample things to talk about and no shortage of people to talk to. Over the last 5 years in all my personal ups and downs, no matter the distance, I always had my cotf friends for support. When I'm bored, they're there. When I'm sad, they're there. When I'm ecstatic or miserable or anywhere in between. We even get excited about each other's upcoming shows, merch scores, and personal victories. There is no room for jealousy in Heaven's Fence. No room for egos and competition, because we're all so busy looking out for one another and having each other's backs. As true and steady as the keywork that holds Heaven's Fence in place. I've never not felt like the COTF community is my place in the world, my little niche, a safe space for everyone who shares the love for this band that gave us so much just by existing. I mentioned earlier that I've been in a whirlwind of emotions since the show and it's time to clarify. Since the moment I came on board this community I have never felt unwelcome, not even when I would rack up 1,000 tweets in a day or live tweet lyrics to two or three albums in a night. Not even when I parted ways with one project after another, some with an uproar, others a silent exit. Not even when I was constantly asking questions because, let's face it, there's a lot to know about Coheed, it's counterparts, and it's members. People like Neesh who have been around the community seemingly since the beginning of time and who are still enthusiastic and completely on board with welcoming a new person and bestowing upon them what feels like all of their knowledge, but is probably just beginning to scratch the surface. I remember laaaaaaate nights in the RadioXenu chat room with Neesh learning little nuggets of band history, staying up literally all night the night she showed me The Mours and some SUPER old demos from Shabutie & Weerd Science. (Neesh's YouTube channel is a gold mine just by the way) After all this time she is still active and vocal in the community, and still just so damn nice to EVERYONE, that's impressive especially considering how many people I've seen wax and wane or come and go. My point is, Neesh inspired me to always be that person, to always be open and welcoming and a home for COTF, most especially the new ones just hopping on board our particular brand of crazy train, trying to find their place in our vast community. The least I can do after all of the unexpected kindness that has been shown to me over the years is continue to pass that on...forever. Seeing Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV, Volume 1: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness live in all of its glory was an experience I could relive every moment for the rest of my life and die happy. In fact, I hope when I'm about to embark on my next life and my life memories replay that this night is featured. Literally everything about the day was perfect, the weather, the friends, the food. And as the night began it took a huge leap into epic, beginning with witnessing one of the most beautiful moments I've ever witnessed at a show. (I'm looking at you, Yui. And also at you Ern, you amazing human, you.) I'm sparing details because I came here to talk about what happened post-show, I think I've told enough show stories for now, ha! For me, approximately 60% of a Coheed show is meeting people. Internet friends, old friends, new friends, there's no such thing as strangers. This particular show was a "homecoming" of sorts for me because Atlanta is usually where I see my Coheed shows and the previous two tours I skipped Atlanta in search of new places and faces. I got to see people I have missed so dearly since IKS Neverender, including Tim, the very first COTF to ever show me the kind nature of our community at my first show, and also the first I'd heard of people who travel around the country just to see these guys perform their miracle of musicianship. There are not many things in life that parallel the joy of recognizing someone and saying "I KNOW YOUR FACE," even when you've only ever seen it in a tiny profile box online. And so begins a series of happenings that have filled my heart to the bursting point. My bestest friends & I, Jim and James AKA The Awkward Team, met up for this because we are separated by so much distance (Mississippi, Iowa, Florida) that we try our hardest to come together for shows at least. We arrived in Atlanta the day before the show and it wasn't long before our friend Ian reached out to see what we were up to that night. Turns out he was just handed a shitty life card and needed some company! We all met up at Buckhead Pizza Co, my very first day-before-the-show hang, usually I'm a lump in my hotel room the day before haha! We had so much fun hanging out in that pizza place, and being there for Ian to take the burn out of a real bummer of a situation was awesome. Even Nina Uber'd over to hang out with us! Our pizza hangs turned into parking garage hangs and we all laughed so much our faces hurt. In short, thank you for messaging me Ian, you made our night probably 10x more fun and it was great to finally get the time to hang out with you! The show was....I can't even find the adjective to accurately convey that particular evening. The energy was high in the crowd as it always is in Atlanta, but this one was unlike any other. We had full-venue waves going on, it took us a few tries to get the whole floor and balcony involved but when it finally came together it was unforgettably amazing. I thought I would regret choosing to be in the all-seated balcony for this show, but as it turned out the entire balcony was on their feet for the whole show. Give Coheed fans at least one square foot of space to move and dance in and we will do it. And we did. I've been to a couple of shows with a very laid back crowd, this was the exact opposite and that energy conveyed to the band on stage as they powered through one of the most difficult albums in their discography. They moved and grooved right along with us, with the biggest smiles I think I've ever seen them play a show with. And when Final Cut came up, Claudio disappeared from the stage and reappeared ten feet to my left in the balcony shredding a solo and letting a fan play his guitar. Those moments, when the band is floating on the energy of the crowd, when every note they play slams more energy around, when you can tell they're happy to be where they are and loving what they do are next-level. If we could bottle up the energy from a show like that we could live forever on it. I may never experience another show quite like that one, but if not I won't be at a loss because it was immortalized on Coheed TV and I revisit it often. https://youtu.be/aLkoNo5f-r4 After the show I always hang around outside, its prime time to talk about the show, meet up with people you missed beforehand, and sometimes even catch an impromptu meet and greet. I was sitting down in the parking lot because even though I had a balcony seat I was on my feet dancing, jumping and moving around during the entire set. It wasn't long after the show that a gentleman approached me and introduced himself as someone from twitter and thanked me for....being me? I'm trying to stay clear of personal vanity, but he thanked me for being kind and and friendly online, told me I was the first COTF he followed, and it was truly awesome to meet him. He flew all the way from Kansas to come to the Atlanta show! I live and breathe for moments like that, when internet and real life collides unexpectedly and someone expresses their gratitude for me. I can dish out compliments all day long, but taking them is hard for me because I'm just a potato of a person who loves Coheed. What I do is not a special skill or talent, I just love to talk and I happen to have a ton of free time to do that with. So thank you, carnacolypse! I catch a fair amount of grief sometimes from my family for the amount of time I spend online, and those moments where someone tosses me appreciation for that, even though I'm just doing what I do, makes the sting of that grief go away. I'm just a girl in Mississippi, I've said it all along and I'll continue to say it forever. I am not special in any way, but my friends sure do make me feel that way. Not overshadowing all of the other COTF I got to meet for the first time that day, including Alison who came all the way from Canada and started her epic multi-date heedtrip at the Atlanta show! Coming home after a heedtrip is hard. Post-Coheed depression is a very real thing for a lot of fans. I love my kids, and I miss them like crazy when I'm away, but I see them every day of the year, my cotf friends get 2, 3 or 4 if I'm SUPER lucky and coheed busts out a secondary market tour. Sometimes it's not so bad, but this time I was missing my awkward team and sad that the Neverender I felt like I'd waited a lifetime was now officially behind me. A tough pill to swallow. I stayed horizontal pretty much all of Thursday. As always though I fell back into the swing my boring existence, empowered by the task of staying positive and continuing to share and discuss the events of Coheed's continuing tour. A new Tales From The Grail Arbor video drops every so often and this sounds silly, but it hypes me right back up again. Dirty Ern has a way with photos and videos, capturing moments that flood you with memories of your own adventures while enjoying clips of someone else's. I've teared up with joy during almost all of the 16 episodes that have come out so far. PLUG- if you haven't subscribed to Coheed's YouTube do that right now, CoheedTV is everything you love about Coheed DVDs but free and is also a comprehensive behind-the-scenes look into what tour life is like. There are still more episodes on the way. https://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialCoheed -ENDPLUG The reality is though, that the joy of being a COTF never really stops coming, even when the post-show sadness tries to sink into my soul. This community is everlasting. The connection is always there, no matter the distance. There's always something happening, someone talking, lives being lived under the precious veil of COTF life. (It's not just a band after all, it's a lifestyle) So while the post-Coheed funk comes hard and fast and devastating, it lifts quickly enough and you propel forward into the next big thing. For me, watching the next wave of excitement when the U.K. leg of the tour started was pretty epic. Following their heedtrips as they come together from so many different countries is amazing. But currently, that's excitement that Coheed is returning to the Amory Wars storyline with their next album (YAY!), the knowledge that Josh is hard at work on a couple of different and very exciting musical endeavors (one of which I was lucky enough to hear a sample of and you people should be over the moon excited for it), and of course the upcoming Chonny and Clyde project. Not to mention, we're still not quite halfway through the release of the long awaited Good Apollo comics, and each issue brings with it another wave of fun because this series is incredible and extremely well done. Truth be told there's always something around the next corner with this band and their members, and that's a big reason why I love being a fan of these people and their art. It's now been almost 3 months since Neverender in Atlanta. The tour has long since finished, SDCC has come and gone, and once more the quiet waiting has settled in. The lull. But today is my birthday, and I can't even put into words how incredible it is to wake up to a flood of birthday greetings from literally all over the world. Close friends and acquaintances the same took time out of their days and lives to wish me well on my birthday and the gratitude and love I feel every single year takes my breath away. It doesn't get old, it never fails to put the biggest smile on my face. In reality my birthday is just another day, but the hundreds of people that I've met, or will soon meet, or may never meet make this day special. It serves as a reminder that I have found my home in another place. I am a person with more to offer than the hundred jobs that fall under the stay-at-home-mom blanket title. It carries its own joy, but knowing that I still exist as a person apart from that is a gift because I have lost that before. There isn't another community in the entire universe I would rather be a part of than this one. I hold great pride in all of you, my friends who keep me going, who share my life with me and allow me to share in yours. Thank you with my whole heart, and thank you Coheed for doing what you do and caring about your fans and putting so much of your time and effort into making sure each move you make is bigger and better than the last. You boys are a rare gift, and your fans know that fully well with everything you do. **Disclaimer: I wrote this a little at a time so my apologies for any errant or incoherent parts, or anything I may have left out. "Words don't come with ease."

[expatabroad]

First 3 Days (Akihabara Base Camp) - Japan Trip Report Pt 1

Top Observations:

Russians call diet Pepsi "Pepsi light" (and it tastes flatter than a flat thing). 

Had a realisation that nobody ever seems to follow simple directions on a plane. During take off and landing, there will always be at least 2 or 3 people who think they're above the rules and get up to use the bathroom or grab something out of their overhead bag. (WHY?! They aren’t even difficult rules!)

Vending Machine are on nearly every street corner...

...And, conversely, there aren't many bins on the street for your litter outside the vending machine areas.

The Japanese pay SO much attention to detail - whether it's recreating their own culture in video games/anime (E.G. Akiba's Trip) or another culture for something as simple as a restaurant (E.G. HUB)

So many people in Japan seem resistant to even glance up from their phone screen. It’s like they’ve melded with their phone. They quite literally have signs in public areas (such as train stations) advising the general public to remember to look up.

Japanese people seem to properly LOVE their dogs. I regularly saw people pushing them in strollers (maybe because it was still hot and humid and the puppers couldn't walk too far as they're little?). They also dress them up in all kinds of outfits (not costumes, actual outfits...some that end up making them look like 45 year old librarians).

Not only do they love dogs, but they seem to also be big fans of coffee (hot AND iced). I’m dying for a coffee boss as I type this...

They will actually reject your ticket when exiting the metro and prompt you to get a fare adjustment IF YOU OVERPAY! (I cannot envision that ever happening in London.)

All restaurants offer free water. It's brilliant and you don't even have to make the effort to ask for it, it's just given to you instantly. Sometimes it's water that seems to be mixed to a degree with green tea and other times it's just nice and refreshing ice water. Every time it was welcomed.

Top Pieces of Advice:

Always look up! Space is utilised everywhere and sometimes the best shops or restaurants are on the higher levels of a building.

Trust your gut. Be realistic but do what's right for you based off your previous personal experiences. For example: I posted on Reddit some rough plans for my husband and I for the first few days of our trip looking for feedback. The plan included exploring Akihabara's arcades and shops on the day we landed. For context, we were flying into Narita on an overnight flight from the UK with a stop over in Moscow where we know we can't sleep on planes (and I'm not a great flyer on the shortest of flights). We were strongly advised that this would be a recipe for disaster in that the loud and noisy arcades would not be what we'd want after getting to Akihabara (where we were staying for part 1 of our trip) and that it would take time to adjust to the new surroundings/being in a new country and to get our bearings. We knew the reality of the situation but also knew our own limits. Though it would be our first time in Japan, we're more experienced travellers and knew that we'd be so excited just to be there and that our adrenaline would actually help us push through any exhaustion. I'm glad we stuck to our guns because it ended up being the exact right choice for us and it meant that we actually made the most of our first day without overdoing it (we explored the city but had a fairly early night to try to get our bodies into the right timezone). I wouldn't recommend this approach to everybody, but I would recommend listening to your gut, doing your research so you know what to expect, and drawing from past experiences to make sure you make the choice that best suits you and your needs.

If you don't have an appetite of a god, don't expect you'll be able to eat multiple bowls at Ramen at the Shin- Yokohama Ramen Museum. Each bowl in itself was filling. 

If you're going to go to a shopping mall, definitely know what shops you're looking to go into. The malls are bigger than you can even imagine (with, perhaps, the exception of those who've been to somewhere like the Mall of America). If you go in to just browse around all of the shops like you might do in the UK or US, you will lose entire chunks of your day.

In addition to the above point, make sure you're keeping track of the time. It's far too easy to fall into a dark void when going into shopping malls or even just standard shops/arcades as there are often times very few or absolutely no windows. You get lost in looking at all the merch and thoroughly covering every inch of every shop with no way to even guess how the day is passing in the outside world, only to glance at your phone and see an hour or more has gone by. From personal experience, I would definitely suggest setting a rough limit on how long you want to dedicate to a particular shop or gaming session and try to stick with it in an effort to make the most of your time and not fall victim to the time-suck.  

I'm a nervous flyer at the best of times so I can't pretend that I was all too enthused to have to make not only one, but two flights to get to Tokyo. Beyond there being two flights involved, the second flight has also been the longest flight I've taken to-date, coming in at just over 9 hours. Thankfully I had remembered to load up my iPad with loads of downloaded content from Netflix - including the entire new series of Jack Whitehall: Adventures with my Father (highly recommend, by the way). While we physically survived the flight unscathed, my patience definitely took a battering from the point we landed in Moscow until we had made it through the doors of the arrivals area in Narita. Perhaps it was just shitty luck that day, but it just seemed like we came into contact with every rude bugger Russia had to offer and they all had their attitudes dialled up to 11. It also didn't help that between Russia and Japan we were sat directly behind a couple who had aspirations of flying first class but only a budget fit for cattle like the rest of us. ::cue the constant dinging of the call button for the flight attendants and the multiple reminders from staff about what they could/couldn't do:: 

I am always in a state of sheer wonderment when it comes to flying and how planes manage to stay up in the air for such long periods (I know the science, but my brain just always want to remind me that today might just be the day that gravity says 'not today, Satan!' and we go hurling downwards through the sky). That wonderment was trumped only by sheer excitement once we made it swiftly through immigration in Tokyo and boarded the Skyliner for part one of our train ride to Akihabara station. The experience only got better when we were approached by a woman who asked us to do a survey in exchange for a discount coupon for Family Mart. She was, as we would find the majority of Japanese people who interacted with us to be, exceptionally pleasant and polite and we couldn't bring ourselves to say anything other than "SURE!" (we even got to keep our pens for free heh). In honesty, we were just pleased to have gone from multiple rude interactions in Moscow to the exact opposite in Japan. 

Immediately upon arrival into Electric Town on the Tokyo Metro, we sought out our Airbnb location so that we could drop our bags off ASAP. Official check-in wasn't until after 3PM and we had quite a few hours to kill before then, but I was fortunate enough to have our Airbnb host agree to let us drop out bags off early for storage so we didn't have to find a locker or lug them around further than necessary. Completely reinvigorated by our own adrenaline, we hit second wind despite not sleeping on the overnight flight and got right out to survey the lay of the land around us.This is where we'd be spending our next 3 nights and we needed to become acquainted. 

As odd as it sounds, Electric Town in Akihabara just seemed so incredibly familiar to me for somewhere I've never physically been, like a very old friend who you can remember fondly down to their specific physical features despite not having seen them for quite some time. I can only attribute this feeling to having stemmed from playing "Akiba's Trip", which turned out to feature a pretty exact replica of the area. This was just the first of a few experiences throughout our two weeks in Japan that had me stop and say "Wow....the Japanese really do pay SO MUCH attention to detail. It's crazy!".

Running off fumes and crappy plane food alone, we decided we had no choice but to grab something to eat as soon as we could and the first thing to jump out at us was a street food vendor selling kara-age. From there, we proceeded to check out all the big shops and arcades up and down the main strip. To be completely honest, the first two days blurred together, so it gets a bit hazy regarding which activity we did on which of the two days. There are few things I can, however, be sure of. One thing  I can say for certain is that, on day one, we most definitely called it an early-ish night. I know we went back to the Airbnb shortly after check-in time (where I proceeded to nap for a few hours on what felt like the most comfortable futon in all of existence) and I know we went out for a chicken katsu curry at CoCo Curry (where I made the mistake of ordering curry with a heat-level of 5, but it was so good that I regret nothing). I also know for a fact that on the morning of day 2, I was privileged enough to enjoy a culinary delight that only an American could love known as Honey Toast. What I would give to have a honey toast and their thirst-quenching special "honey toast latte" here in England cannot be measured in GBP. On day two, we had intended to go on a day trip to Enoshima and Kamakura. But, when we woke up (late, I will add), it was quite rainy out and we had admitted that we'd underestimated just how much there was in Akiba for us to do/see, so we decided to cut this out of the plan for this trip in favour of spending more time around the neighbourhood. 

Given the jet-lag had absolutely demolished the functionality of my brain at the time, I will just list below the things I know we did in no particular order within those two days:

* We ate at Carl's Jr - which doesn't seem like something most people travel to Japan to do, but I thought it'd be funny to have my first - and probably only - CJ experience, as an American, be in Japan. Was a bit over-priced for fast food IMO, but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it all the same. Full food report will follow..

* We paid a visit to the Kanda Shrine where we prayed for the first of many times throughout our trip. It was an easy walk and it gave us a chance to see some quieter parts of the area we wouldn't have seen otherwise. Neither my husband nor I am particularly religious, but we both admitted later that doing a prayer a day and having that serene moment of reflection a day to send some positive thoughts out into the universe was actually really nice.

* We hunted down a taiyaki stand that does Magikarp-shaped taiyaki. None of the magi's are filled with the typical red-bean paste unfortunately, just custard or chocolate, but we found that the chocolate filling tasted lighter and more like hot, American, chocolate pudding than the heavier rich chocolate you get here in the UK so it was actually a lot nicer than we thought it would be. 

* We drank in what we believe was a Brewdog (but not actually called "Brewdog" as it usually would be).

* We visited many game shops - including Super Potato - which was filled with so much retro stuff that we almost couldn't believe it - and board game shop Yellow submarine in an effort to find Coffee Roaster (no such luck and I was pretty much laughed at given it was so rare to find on shelves).

* We ordered coffees (one with latte art) at the Gundam cafe. Hint to those visiting: definitely go and thoroughly check out the toilets.

* We enjoyed a beer by the water at Hitachino Brewing Lab. It seemed like there was just as much love for craft beers in the area as there was for coffee and the weather in the evening was perfect for enjoying a pint outside on the patio. The only downside was that there were so many mosquitos.

Day 3 in Japan involved a trip out to Yokohama to visit the Shin-Yokohama Ramen Museum. Interestingly enough, you could buy a yearly pass if you so desired, which it appeared that many Salary men were doing. This made a fair amount of sense once we got to the basement level of the museum where you could visit several different Ramen bars each specialising in a different regional ramen dish (amongst other offerings). You paid outside at the machine and a hostess escorted you inside the "bar" to your seat, took your ticket, and gave you some water. Once it's ready, they’d bring you over a massive bowl of ramen to feast on. At this point, it totally made sense why you might buy a yearly pass if you work in the area because you could eat a new, fresh bowl of ramen every day for a fairly cheap price (outside of the cost of the yearly pass itself). A word to the wise (as mentioned in the first section): don't bother eating breakfast if you're wanting to eat more than one bowl of Ramen. I was surprisingly full before I even finished my one bowl. Definitely bring your A-game appetite if you're wanting a chance to try out different varieties but need to compact it into one visit.

From there, we trekked over to the Landmark Tower. Before we could make our way to the entrance, we spotted an older gentleman with his chunky but adorable pooch. To make a long story short, in true Rik fashion, my husband managed to befriend the dog. The owner ended up giving us treats to give to the little guy/gal. This was yet another demonstration of just how friendly some of the locals were; that they would go out of their way, even with a language barrier, to have a positive interaction with two obvious tourists. It was a very welcoming experience compared to other places we've visited even in the last year alone (E.G. in Poland, people don't seem to want you to even acknowledge they have a dog, let alone ask to pet it). 

We made our way inside the building and started to head over to the lift to get to the actual Sky Garden when we caught a glance of a Pokémon centre on the floor above where we made a quick detour before continuing on to the entrance for the sky garden. After a fairly quick wait, we boarded the lift that would shoot us rapidly up to the top floor. The ascension was so quick that my ears actually popped in the lift. According to the website, it makes it up all 69 floors in just under 40 seconds - making it the fastest elevator in the country. The view from the top was the first of many 360-panoramics on our trip and we enjoyed it over a cocktail. It was definitely an experience to see just how big the city was. Unfortunately, it wasn't a very clear day so we were unable to see Mt. Fuji through the clouds. 

Once descended, we made our way back to the train station for part 2 of our day trip extravaganza: Kawasaki. We pulled into the station and made our way to higher ground to discover a fairly large open-air lawn space in the centre of yet another endless shopping mall. We didn't hang around too long as we were keen to arrive at Anata No Warehouse; our final planned destination of the day. I don't have words to describe what a unique experience this was as far as arcades go. The place had gone viral and I remember seeing it in a video shared on Facebook thinking that it would be awesome to see this place in person. I also remember thinking how there was no way it could be that cool in real life. Having now been in person, I can now confirm it *IS* indeed that cool in real life.

We sufficiently tired ourselves out enough to head "home". We arrived back in Akiba around 9-9:30, just at the point where I was starting to get hangry. Just as I was ready to throw in the towel for the night, Rik swiftly found us a place to eat that had high ratings on TripAdvisor and was only a 10-minute walk away. It turned out to be a teeny, back-alley izakaya that couldn't have sat more than 15 people MAX. Panic began to set in in my already ravenous state as we couldn't get google translate to work on the handwritten menu that sat above the bar. The man whom I assumed to be the owner didn't appear to speak much English and - obviously - our Japanese was extremely limited. A local who seemed to already be pissed jumped in with her limited English skills to try to bridge the gap between us all, and for that I was very grateful. With her help, we managed to order some chicken and noodles which was so delicious that it was worth every yen and then some. I had thought I was going to end up going to bed hungry but couldn't have been happier that we ended up where we did. 

It lifted my spirits up enough that we decided we weren't actually as ready to go home as we thought. Before we could go home, we decided we just had to stop into the HUB we passed by for a bit of a laugh, especially for how infamous it seems to be with regards to places Japanese want to go to practise English. As it turns out, it was just another fine example of how well researched the Japanese are as a society. Rik and I kept wanting to find things we could point out and laugh at in a "they think *thaaaat* is English?!" type way but we honestly could find very little to fault in that sense. I don't think we realised just how hopping HUB would be (and how hopping it seemed to be at EVERY HUB we came across....and we came across a lottttt of HUBs). Deciding to call it a somewhat early-ish night, we got ready and headed back out into the night. But, not before we managed to win some type of Jack Daniels plastic folder thing from scratch cards we got with our Halloween-themed cocktails (these will forever be known as our "Shellfish Awards" due to a comedic dodge-y translation)... The night was still young for the majority in Electric Town, but we had some serious packing and tidying to do and another 11 days ahead of us to experience.

And with that, we left Akiba the following morning for Kyoto having started our trip off on the right foot.

(If you’ve made it this far, be aware that I will update with actual photo albums with more pictures once a full trip report is written)