#And only 1/2 of the remaining also have some mental issues...

[creatingblackcharacters]

"Calling Out Racists? Help!"

(shout out to the situation sender who's chosen to remain anonymous!)

NOTE: People of color, if you feel that your efforts would be in vain or cause more pain than it's worth, I fully respect not doing it. I've been there, and tbh I usually don't. But white netizens, I expect boots on the ground. Racism festers when no one does anything about it.

So, it's finally happened! You've come face to face with antiblackness in your fandom space. You never thought it could be this bad! Naturally YOU don't condone this behavior, so you take steps to remove yourself from this person.

However! Your friends and other fans are still happily sharing from someone that you KNOW is capable of this. Would they still be comfortable knowing they're yapping amongst racists? And then you wonder- should I tell everyone about them? I mean, surely everyone should know?

Thus we've come to the decision:

The Callout

In my honest opinion, callouts are morally neutral. When used to reveal consistent harmful beliefs, intentions, and behaviors to other people, usually of marginalized identities, I think they're critical. Our safety and humanity matters far more than someone's internet fame. If I can't stop someone from being a racist, I at least don't want their vitriol on my dash, and I ALSO don't want people thinking I agree! Racism shouldn't be tolerated at all, but unfortunately, many an antiblack racist has a popular following and will not be removed. Anything less overt than a slur like the example above is more often than not, not a dealbreaker for many.

On the other hand, when it is maliciously weaponized to drag someone down on nothing but hearsay and rumor, it can be devastating. It has often been used as retaliation against those very same marginalized peoples to shut down discussions of racism and other forms of bigotry. In my opinion, you should not do these sorts of things when you don't have any solid proof or an actual education on what you're talking about. Period.

I say that all to say, be intentional. Use your discernment and some critical thinking.

How Ice Deals With It

Let's say you see something that concerns you. First, you need to pay attention to if other Black fans have noted this person's behavior. Has it been previously noticed, have they seen dogwhistles you've completely missed? Keep in mind as well, antiblackness does not have to come from a white person. Don't let "I'm brown" fool you.

If you're confident: confront the person on the particular issue you've noticed.

‼️‼️‼️ For the maintenance of your mental health, you CANNOT go into this expecting to change someone's mind and behavior. If you do, 9/10 you will face demoralization. You cannot walk into these thinking they care. Most people don't, and will deny the harm of their behavior. It sucks, but it's the truth. Change your perspective. The only goal you need to have is pointing out the harm done, so that this person loses the excuse to be racist out of "ignorance". Once you've spoken up, ball's now in their court.

Confrontation doesn't have to be negative! It can be as simple as "hey, what you said was not okay, here's why, and I hope that you can learn from this to do better for yourself and for your fans." Simple, to the point.

‼️Keep in mind, from Fans of Color: the private confrontation is a sign that we're trying to give you a chance to do right. Everyone's not going to receive that grace, nor do I expect every fan of color to offer it. It might just be up with you and your racism that day. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I would take the chance if offered.‼️

We're going to go two routes here.

1) It works

If it works, then what should come next is 1) a full acknowledgment of the violence and harm, 2) visible steps to ameliorate that harm, and 3) an apology to those harmed.

It doesn't have to be a complex apology (unless the situation itself was that large). But it has to be genuine and the change needs to be seen.

Very often you'll see apologies for antiblackness... To white fans. You cannot apologize for your actions to people who were not harmed by them, because they are not the ones with the right to accept the apology!!!! It's not a real apology. They've just covered for being exposed, is all. Be willing to hold each other accountable!

2) It doesn't work

This might still happen after the "it works", btw! Some people genuinely just want the appearance of progressiveness.

Here's where it gets gritty and you'll experience the most discomfort, I'm just being honest:

They might fucking suck!

They might suck, they might make it a point to share with their followers that you suck, and those same followers might also suck! You know how they sound? Like those people who fought for rapist Brock Turner because "he had a good future and this shouldn't ruin it". Yeah.

Recognize that this backlash you may experience from strangers is not coming just from their need to be entertained, but from a realization that if their fave is antiblack and they agree, then THEY are being antiblack too.

That acute pain you're feeling from this effort- you're now feeling a part of the chronic pain that is being a Black fan! And if you're white, you just temporarily sacrificed your whiteness to defend what was right, and now you are seeing a piece what that whiteness shields you from. Idk how else to put it.

Now what?

Well first, this shouldn't make you go "oh well there's no point in fighting racism bc they're so mean." Why do you want to identify with the people who just acted like that lmao. Antiracism is hard, but the right thing isn't always easy. Stand up and dust yourself off, soldier.

Take the steps to protect yourself. That might be a break from socials to decompress. Block people as necessary, use the tag blocker thing.

Recognize that you are not in the wrong for wanting this harm to be accounted for. If this person didn't want to be seen as a willful racist, they should have chosen to do better. They didn't want to, they chose to triple down on their racism, which they are now aware of doing! They just don't care. And that's not within your control. They wanna be a racist, let them be treated like one!

"Curate your space" as they say, and recognize that antiblackness is going to have you potentially removing folks you thought were cool left and right. You might see some people close to you show their true colors. It's time to make some tough personal decisions. I can't walk you through that. But I don't want to be around people who treat antiblackness with apathy, because birds of a feather... 👀

I obviously didn't cover every single scenario here. And this is only *my* way of dealing with these things (if I do at all, anymore). Some folks may go about it differently. But yeah, in summary, go in to point the racism out, and don't let the response determine your self value. 👍🏾

[soaringwide]

Pick a Card: How to attract love in your life? ❤️

Pile 1 > Pile 2 > Pile 3

Hey :p Welcome back to a new pick a pile love reading.

Today we're going to have a look at How can you attract love into your life. I'm going to look at where you're currently at, the things that work and the things that don't, practical steps you can take, and finally, the most probable outcome for the near future.*

*keep in mind that it's very hard with tarot to give a precise timeframe, which is why i say ''near future'', which might mean different things for different people. Also, the future is highly volatile and this might only be accurate for your present situation, and may be prone to shift if you make significant changes. As always, you are in control of your life so don't let a reading dictate what you should and should not do.

This is a general reading meant for multiple people so it might not resonates perfectly to your situation. Take what resonates and leave out the rest.

Ko-fi ★ book a reading ★ pinned post ★ instagram

PILE 1

Cards: 5 of Pentacles, the Sun, 5 of Cups, 9 of Cups, Strength, King of Cups, Ace of Cups, Page of Swords Reversed, the High Priestess, Ace of Swords, 8 of Cups, King of Pentacles, the Star, 5 of Wands, 4 of Cups, the Devil

You are currently trapped into a mindset of lack and feeling like you don't belong. You feel like there's something broken with you that stops you from getting the love that you long for. You believe that the warmth of love is being denied from you by outside circumstances and that you are unable to change that. Not the best place to be mentally and I highly empathize, I know how it feels…

What is blocking you is that you are spending a lot of mental and emotional energy feeling devastated for what you don't have. You may have known love in the past and you're idealizing that and feeling regrets over what you've lost. For some of you it might literally be because you wish you had this love back, but for others it could just be wishing for that sweet feeling again. It's also possible that, regardless of a past relationship or not, you are longing for a time in your past where things seemed more carefree and that you now feel somewhat broken. Feeling like things were so much more radiant and optimistic back then. I'm also getting that love might feel like the last thing in your life you need to feel fully accomplished and you're hyper focusing on that one thing, not seeing all the other good things going for you. There is this idea that you're waiting and waiting for the perfect occasion to show up while carrying these heavy feelings.

However, things are not fully bleak for you. You are extremely resilient and have spent a lot of time perfecting yourself. Despite your feelings of romantic lack, you keep working on yourself, be it your career, your passions and projects, or your own self. You keep things moving thinking that if love doesn't come, then at least you can make other areas of your life good. You're also able to set aside these heavy feelings in order to remain balanced. Like, you feel them, you're aware of them, but you don't let that submerge you and you keep living anyway. So you have what it takes to fix the issue, you just need to see it and start working on it.

Because the advice is that you need to release your defensiveness regarding love. I'm getting that you've learnt to be so firmly attached to this lack mentality and the failures you've experienced that it's making you shut down any possibility of romance. I'm seeing a pattern of starting to catch feelings and automatically cutting them off, distrusting them and retreating within yourself. I think this is a defense mechanism, which served its purpose for a long time but is now counterproductive. You may lack honesty with yourself and with potential partners because you fear showing your feelings, scared of getting hurt.

So it's natural that for what you need to embrace, a card of clarity and communication shows up. If you always hide how you feel to your love interest, most healthy people will not pursue you and instead back off not to bother you, since they think you are not interested. You must communicate how you feel and investigate the other person's wishes and feelings. There is also the need to be in tune with your own intuition and inner guidance, which seems to be muddied by your fears and unhealthy coping mechanisms. You must embrace tuning into yourself, where you will find the answer on what to do, because I really think you've go a strong personal guidance and you know who and what is good for you, and you can lean into and learn to trust that.

And it seems the practical steps you need to take at this present moment point at solving these issues first and foremost. You have unfinished emotional business that you need to leave behind. It's like it's cluttering your emotional life and there is no space for anything romantic to bloom. You need to make room for love in your heart by releasing these painful points we talked about earlier. The way to do that with the Star (feeling called to name the card so that you can look into it if you wish) is to embrace hope that things can indeed change for the better. Have faith that you can renew yourself and step into a new way of living. This card always reminds me of making a wish and believing it's going to come true, so have faith!

The near future cards point at you working on that. Breaking the chains that hold you down. It's a process that may look a little chaotic, and you'll go back and forth between not doing anything and pondering on what steps to take next, being indecisive, and then hastily trying out things in hope something is going to fit. I see that it's a learning process and you're going to need to find the right way to act. You are about to break those destructive patterns and make room for love to come into your life. I do not know when this is going to happen, but the work you'll be doing will make you happier and more balance so it's worth working toward for the sake of it. And all point at the fact that it's the best thing to do in your situation in order to attract love into your life.

PILE 2

Cards: 6 of Swords, 7 of Swords, King of Cups, the Lovers, the Magician, Knight of Swords, the Fool, 10 of Pentacles, King of Swords, King of Pentacles, Queen of Cups, the Hanged Man, Knight of Wands, the Sun, King of Wands, 5 of Pentacles, Knight of Pentacles, Temperance

It seems you're currently in a post breakup phase, leaving something behind and wondering what's coming next. (if that's not the case, then that's not the pile for you). There is a sense of sadness and worry, but also hope for the future even though it is very uncertain. I'm getting that it's something quite fresh which will explain the current situation.

For what is blocking you, it seems you've been rendered very distrustful of love, and may even have been either cheated on, or betrayed in some way by the person you love(d). You have a hard time processing these emotions and it's stopping you from truly moving on. It's like you became disillusioned and don't trust romance anymore. You may feel angry and revengeful, bitter, in all cases, and it's coloring your view of love. Part of you is still looking over your shoulder at what once was, whether it's with regret and nostalgia or on the contrary with bitterness.

For what is going for you, it seems that despite that you desire a new beginning, a fresh start of some kind. You want to make a new relationship happen, one that will satisfy you in all aspects and that will be in alignment with yourself. I'm also getting that you're tired of being taken for an fool, fed up with giving your heart freely to someone who will stomp on it. I also see that you're determined to approach that with very upfront communication, seeking to be clear on your needs and boundaries, and that you are done with tolerating bullshit. It's also sort of like you want to get out of your current painful situation as fast as possible by finding something new, which does show up as a good thing however I'm getting the need for nuance here as you could be rushing too much as a way to run away from your feelings or perhaps get back at your ex by showing you don't need them.

You need to release this past relationship. It shows up as something that seemed like it was heading towards long term commitment, which makes it all the more painful. However, if things turned out the way they did that's because it wasn't built on solid foundations, and may not have been a good thing for you had it not blown off anyway. I'm also getting that this past-person probably embodied pretty authoritative traits, in a pretty tyrannical way, and it's leaving you, again, distrustful of future connections (or even of the whole gender of your ex partner). I think it somewhat robbed you of your own agency, made you feel weak and powerless, and there is a need to reclaim that power (you got ALL 4 Kings).

Which is shown in the next section with what you need to embrace. The cards point at the need to pick yourself back up and work on yourself, your abundance and security, which may mean focusing on other areas of your life for a while as a way to look in a different direction. Your heart also requires some attention and it would be beneficial to practice some self care, whether that means taking care of yourself from an aesthetical point of view (beauty, fashion, etc) or from a more holistic point of view (diet, exercise, meditation, etc). Make yourself beautiful for yourself and it may help you lift yourself up and feel better about yourself. This will allow you to shift your perspective, however, it will require some time and you will need to dive into it and think about the issue. You must understand that there is nothing more you can do to fix this past situation, and that it's okay to take time to think and embrace that moment of stagnancy that will help you give yourself space to heal and move on.

The idea of finding your power and sense of agency back is again shown in the cards that talk about the practical steps you should take. I'm getting that in order to do that, you need to focus on what makes you passionate about life, what lights your fire up and makes you want to pour your energy in. There is also the need to chill a bit and do things that seem fun and unimportant. Get silly a little bit, go out and enjoy the sweetness of life. Not everything is about romantic love and not only is it okay to do other things, it's also something you deeply need at this present moment to feel better. In all cases, push yourself to create some movement in your life and don't stay locked in alone, wallowing over yourself. I'm also getting the need to focus on things that are pleasurable, for your body and yourself.

For the near future when it comes to romantic love, I unfortunately think that for some time at least, you may still be alone and struggling with that fact, thinking you've been left with nothing and having a hard time processing your loss. You may want to take some steps towards new connections, but doing so very slowly and holding back a lot, so there won't be much progress on that side for a while. The focus will be mostly on healing yourself and focusing on rebalancing your heart. Trying to find hope and faith in love again. This whole process takes time but is very important in order to help you find healthy love again.

PILE 3

Cards: 9 of Cups, Queen of Swords, 7 of Pentacles, 6 of Cups, Ace of Wands, the Chariot, 4 of Swords, 4 of Pentacles, Page of Swords, 10 of Pentacles, the High Priestess, 7 of Cups, the Emperor, 6 of Wands, Justice, Ace of Pentacles, 8 of Pentacles, the Sun

You're currently in a phase where you feel ready for love. You've established a lot of things for yourself and you're in a satisfying place in life. Not perfect, nothing ever is, but you've grown a lot recently that's for sure. And when it comes to love, that's your wish and you're currently strongly waiting for the time to finally come to see that wish come true. It's the one thing that you desire the most at the moment and see it as a potential for great happiness.

For what's blocking you, I see that you are perhaps a tad too focused on observing that wish form, growing more and more impatient, and as a result getting a but tyrannical with your mind. Like, things don't go as fast as you want them to, so you second guess yourself and lot, get anxious and frustrated with yourself. There is a form of naivety here, as if you were not the most experienced in matters of love. It could also mean it's been a while you've been in a relationship and the memories of your past love are being triggered and coming back to the surface, making it hard to deal with them.

For things going for you, you've gotten a lot of action oriented cards, showing that you are determined and driven to see your wish come true. You don't want to wait anymore and are ready to make a move once the opportunity shows up. You trust that you are on the right path and are ready for things to pick up speed. However, this might make you get a bit restless when again the right opportunity or situation doesn't show up fast enough and it's a bit exhausting for you because you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

Another interesting message is one of getting out of hibernation in some way, which is shown in your past-to be released cards as well. It seems you used to have a tendency to hold onto your feelings and intentions, never making your desires and wants known, reacting by being very defensive and guarded, and i think you've not quite released that old pattern totally yet, but it's in progress. I think you still have a tendency to put a wall between you and your love interest by fear of getting hurt and you keep your cards close to your chest because you want to make the right move at the right time and you worry acting out of sync and ruining everything. This is making you a little too controlling and calculating and not in flow enough.

So it makes sense that one of the message of things to embrace has to do with getting in touch with your more intuitive side, as opposed to your analytical side. I think you still second guess yourself a lot despite knowing when a situation has potential and all this worry is making you go back and forth a lot and is causing tension. I think you need to embrace your desire for long lasting commitment, which for some reason you might be scared to accept, as if you thought wishing for it would mean being disappointed when you don't get it. You're so fearful of being disillusioned and not seeing reality clearly that you put everything into question and confuse yourself. You need to know that it's okay to not be able to read other people's intentions, you're not meant to. Things will get clearer as they progress. Also, it's okay to daydream about the love you desire, and you should do more of that. Explore things in the safe space that is your imagination and allow yourself to imagine what you want the future to be like.

For the practical steps to take, there is a need to show up confident and strong, taking the lead instead of waiting for the other person to make a move. You know yourself and your boundaries and you can say what you desire. There is also the need to come up fair and honest, so don't hide how you feel, don't hide what you want, but honor your loved person with the respect that come with being upfront. Also, to answer your worries, go there with the confidence of someone who act as if they won, and by that I mean don't expect things to go wrong before you even know if they will but instead pretend victory will be on your side, because even if you're not sure, why automatically assume you're going to get rejected when you don't really know?

For the near future, I didn't go too in detail about your situation because I wanted to leave the message open, but I think for some of you there's already a connection in the making, and you're soon going to be handed a new piece of the puzzle that will make you see things in a new perspective and make things progress further. What it is I do not know, but the cards point at a phase of focused progress where someone or both parties are working toward a common goal. Again I can't say what that puzzle piece is, but there is a strong idea of that new way of seeing the relationship, or experiencing the relationship, that leads to a path where you'll be working toward something for this connection.

Finally, I just wanted to point out that the bottom of the deck was the Sun so it seems this is an auspicious time for you, so don't get too hung up in what doesn't work exactly the way you want and enjoy the ride!!

[thedovesaredying]

Monsters in the Dark | Nikto x Reader | Part 2

Second chapter of the Cowboy!Nikto AU. Written from the POV of Nikto this time. A reminder once again that there's a prologue and "part 1" is only the first full chapter. The original cowboy AU is owned and created by @ghouljams.

A/N: I'm a day late on my estimation for when it would be done, but life decided to get me sick, busy with uni work, and put one of my legs completely out of action. I also realized about 3 husbandry manuals deep into my research that the chapter would be a bit too long if I included that much information. Instead, the info will be sprinkled in among the next few chapters.

Warnings: Sputnik being a silly girl.

Masterlist: CoD Masterlist

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The weather is downright miserable. While one might assume the worst weather would be torrential rain or unforgiving hail, Nikto is firmly of the belief that there’s nothing worse than a hot, sunny day. It’s hard enough to be constantly covered from head to toe, but to then add on the Texan sun beating down at its full strength? He’s certain he’ll be nothing more than a puddle of sweat by the end of the day.  

At least Sputnik seems to be enjoying the disgusting temperatures. She’s running around the front of the property, completely unfazed by the heat. She welcomes it, in fact, using it as the perfect excuse to paddle into the large dam for a cool swim at the day’s warmest.  

Her paws are caked with mud and grass, so much to her sadness she’s been barred from entering the house, forced to wait until she’s dried off and all the muck has fallen off of her paws. If she’s still dirty by the end of the day then a quick hosing down will be in order, but she’ll likely consider that a fun game too.  

For now, she’s content to lay stretched out on the porch, her side rapidly rising and falling as she pants.  

The weather isn’t the only thing that’s miserable, however. Nikto’s mood has been foul ever since his forced trip into town for new supplies. A certain hyena had decided that she was bored while her owner was away and had decided to chew a rather large hole in the wall of the shed.  

The hole was easily large enough for her to climb through and so, after having already spent most of the day hard at work, Nikto was forced to leave for the only hardware store in town. Some new planks of wood and a hammer not riddled with rust later, and he’s reminded of the invoice he received the vet clinic a few days prior and has also yet to pay for.  

He’s not quite sure what possessed him to go to the clinic in person, but he was disappointed regardless with what greeted him. The receptionist was painfully cheery and seemed determined to dig into his business with her endless questions. He’d left feeling completely drained from only a single conversation with the woman. You hadn’t been there. He can’t fathom why that annoys him so much.  

The hole in the shed was simple enough to fix, even under the intensity of the sweltering heat, but the issue of Sputnik remains.  

Clearly, he can’t leave her unattended for several hours at a time just for work. She’s never had to entertain herself in such an environment and clearly, it’s stressing her out being without her only packmate. She requires both social interaction and physical activity, but above all of that, needs mental stimulation.  

Like a toddler left without a guardian, Sputnik has decided that she can tear apart the house and garden while unattended. Plants have been torn out of the ground, wooden structures gnawed to bits, and most concerningly, large holes dug along the fence line.  

The situation is far from ideal, but Nikto does not abandon his own. He isn’t like those bastards at the CIA who are willing to leave those loyal to them knowing full well they will perish without help. He made that decision a long time ago, and Sputnik’s very name is a tribute to that.  

It was only three years ago, but it felt like eons. It started with a small enemy group hidden deep within the South African wilderness who were utilising spotted hyenas as guard animals. Nikto and his team had cut through the animals both outside and inside the building, even the ones hidden away in the basement below. 

In the end, only a single cub remained; a tiny girl still nestled up against the steadily cooling body of her mother. She couldn’t have been more than a week or two of age, bright eyed as all hyena newborns are, and covered in scraggly fur.  

The other men on the team planned on putting the animal out of her misery, but the sight gave Nikto pause. She was small and defenceless, and abandoned by her cowardly handlers to be killed by their enemy. It was a story he couldn’t help but find familiar. Picking up the infant, she snuggles into his vest, completely trusting of him despite not having known him for more than a few seconds.  

She whines and licks at him as he tucks her into his shirt, safe and warm pressed up against scarred skin. No one says a word, when he leaves the compound with the cub and boards the waiting helicopter for the trip back to base.  

His first thought was to name her Laika, but that name seemed a little too common for his taste, and so he chose Sputnik, the name of Laika’s space capsule and eventual tomb. A tribute to yet another stray who was left behind by those who should have protected her.  

Sputnik would not suffer the same fate; she would never be disregarded like a broken toy thrown into the trash. She’s good, she’s loyal, she trusts Nikto unconditionally. Destroying a bit of property would never be a reason to break that trust.  

Instead, he presses dial on your number and holds his phone to his ear. He’s been thinking it over for several minutes, finger hovering over the button with your contact listed, before forcing himself to press it. For a long while it rings and he’s about to give up when you finally answer with a bright greeting to whoever is on the other side.  

He grunts out your name, listening as you happily chirp his own back at him in return. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” you ask. He can hear the soft rumbling of a car’s engine in the background and can only assume you’re driving somewhere.  

“I require... assistance,” he says after a long pause, letting the conversation drift into silence. While it isn’t necessarily help he’s asking for, it still rankles deeply that he isn’t solving the issue alone. He despises being indebted to anyone for anything, but for some reason he doesn’t get the feeling you’re out to acquire favours from anyone. You’re a professional merely doing what you’re trained for and nothing more. He can admire that.  

“What can I help you with? Is Sputnik alright?” You sound so genuinely concerned about her, so much so that it sounds like you almost drop your phone.  

He glances down at the hyena laying happily at his feet, panting up at him with a broad grin. “She is fine,” he confirms, catching the relieved sigh you let out, “it is behavioural issues she is dealing with.”  

You make a soft sound, clearly intrigued, “well, I’m on the road at the moment heading toward my next appointment, but I should have time to drop in to your place in a few hours. Will you be around then?”  

“да,” he hums, “we will be here.”  

“Perfect! I’ll be there in a few,” you confirm, and after offering an acknowledging grunt, he ends the call.  

He goes to pocket the phone but pauses, glancing at your number. Mulling it over for a good long while, he selects the number and adds it to his contacts. There’s only two other people there, one of them his current workplace and the other one of his old acquaintances from before even his time in KorTac.  

A rather dramatic huff from Sputnik draws his attention from staring at his phone, and he watches her with hidden amusement as she rolls over onto her stomach. She looks up at him with big, sad eyes and a pathetic whine. When he merely rolls his eyes at her she playfully snaps her teeth in his direction.  

“Я не знал, что ты такая королева драмы,” he growls back, curling the undamaged part of his lip at her.  

The hyena, fortunately, can tell he’s still joking despite his deadpan tone and leaps to her feet with a delighted cackle. She shakes out her coat, biting at the air. The moment he so much as twitches a finger in her direction she turns and leaps off the top of the deck, forgoing the stairs so she can sprint across the yard.  

Nikto stands from his chair but doesn’t give chase, watching as the crazy animal spins around in circles before darting off toward the dam again. She dives into the water with a splash, sending muddy water in all directions. He cringes slightly at the sight of the hyena now dripping with muck. At least he was already planning on hosing her down. The rest of the afternoon passes slowly, with Nikto taking some time to rest while Sputnik causes minimal trouble.  

When your car finally does pull up, the poor girl has exhausted herself again, laying in a pile of leaves while she happily naps away. The moment her flicking ears pick up the sound of your truck on the gravel she jumps up again, eyes wide as she takes in the familiar sight. She’s already giggling to herself with excitement, looking between Nikto and your vehicle.  

“место!” Nikto calls, ignoring the sad whimper that earns. He approaches when you pull up, patiently waiting as you drop out of the front seat and close the door behind you.  

When you spot him, you offer a wave and grin, “hey, Nikto!” You take a moment to glance over at Sputnik and he can see her near enough vibrating with how excited she is to come over and greet you out of the corner of her eye. “How’ve you been doing?” you stop just before him, looking him right in the eye, completely unfazed by the monster you’re facing down.  

“We are fine,” he says, perhaps a little too firmly given the way you blink at him, “we require some assistance with behavioural issues.” He quickly amends his statement in the hopes of not immediately scaring you off.  

Fortunately, you’re quick to bounce back, a smile returning to your face, “of course, what sorts of problems are you experiencing?”  

“Спутник!” The hyena’s head shoots up upon hearing her name, “ко мне!” She sprints across the grass, very nearly crashing into his legs with her enthusiasm to heed her owner’s command. “She is getting bored when left alone,” he explains, watching as you reach your hand out for the hyena, “eating walls, digging holes, breaking everything she can reach.”  

Sputnik snuffles at your hand, before whining and immediately shifting to lean up against you, demanding pets. You scratch behind her neck and Sputnik’s tongue lolls out of her mouth in delight. “I’m sure we can work something out to help prevent her from damaging anything else or accidentally eating something she shouldn’t be.”  

“She struggles when left alone, especially during work hours,” he adds on, turning and starting to stalk toward the side of the house where the majority of the damage can be seen.  

“Okay, well she sounds like she just needs some enrichment to keep her occupied while you’re away,” you nod to yourself as you follow Nikto around to the side of the house. Several of the small plants that had been happily growing in little spots around the yard have been either pulled from the soil or completely shredded if they couldn’t be moved.  

You look at the scattered remains of the poor shed’s wall, but don’t look entirely surprised by the backyard warzone you’ve stepped into. You frown down at Sputnik, scratching her between the ears, “what a silly girl,” you coo, rubbing at her ears as the hyena grins up at you with half-lidded eyes, “you shouldn’t be eating all this stuff, it’ll make your tummy sore!” 

Somehow, your baby-talk voice just serves to make Sputnik even giddier, and she eagerly licks at the tips of your fingers. Nikto almost rolls his eyes at the little heart eyes the animal is subjecting you to. It’s impressive, really, how she can remember someone is a friend from only a single interaction.  

When you snap back from your babying of the animal, you quickly refocus. “Hyenas have very powerful jaws, and they love to chew things, so if she doesn’t have enough to keep her entertained then she’ll find something to destroy.”  

“She was given an old tyre a few weeks ago, but it only lasted a few days.” To say he was deeply unimpressed with how quickly she’d torn it to pieces would be an understatement. He knew that Sputnik had quite the bite on her, but to chomp through nine millimetres of rubber like it’s cardboard? Impressive, if a little annoying.  

“How big is your freezer?” you abruptly ask him, and Nikto suddenly worries where this line of questioning is going. Does he need to check the trunk of your car? Regardless, he offers you a nod.  

“Perfect!” You clap your hands together, making Sputnik jump excitedly at the sudden sound, “it’s supposed to be quite hot tomorrow, so I can think of at least one idea for her.” You start listing out what the two of you are going to do rapid-fire with the same confidence and efficiency of any commanding officer.  

You’re in your element, your passion for your work clear as day and you have him following your every instruction. You’re like a fount of knowledge when it comes to anything and everything husbandry related, suggesting changes to Sputnik’s diet, new toys to keep her entertained, and ways to prevent her from destroying anything she really shouldn’t be messing with.  

When you finally end up leaving, it’s long past sundown. Sputnik has grown bored of watching the two of you working in the shed and has retired to her massive dog bed for a nap, so the two of you have been working in comfortable silence. He’s glad you don’t feel the need to fill the air with irritating chatter, only offering corrections here and there.  

He escorts you to back to your truck, closing your door behind you once you’re settled comfortably into the driver’s seat. You roll down the window and offer him a grin, but he can see just how tired you are given how your eyes are slightly drooped. “How much do we owe?” he asks, quickly tearing his gaze from your sweet smile.  

Little wrinkles appear across your forehead as your lips turn downward, an innocent, confused look on your face, “owe you?” 

He resists the urge to roll his eyes and instead just huffs in mild amusement, “payment, for your work.” 

Your eyes light up in understanding and you laugh, “oh, no, don’t worry about that,” you wave him off, “I’m just happy to help out.” You just smile up at him, as if you can’t see anything wrong with what you just said.  

Nikto is forced to remind himself that you’re a civilian, not another untrustworthy operator. Not everyone does things purely for the pay they’ll be rewarded with, even if the very thought of not giving you something in return makes him uncomfortable. He holds his hand out to you, “phone.”  

You blink at him for a second, but quickly do as you’re told, just like the good girl you are. He goes into your contacts and adds his number and details, hitting save the moment he’s done. He doesn’t bother adding a picture, passing your phone back to you, “call us when you require assistance.” He waits until you offer him a nod before he steps back from the side of the car.  

You have an odd, flustered look on your face for some reason, but you’re quick to snap out of whatever daze you're in and give him a quick wave as you put your truck into reverse. He watches silently as you disappear back down the driveway and into the steadily darkening evening, waiting until you’re out of sight.  

Sputnik is absolutely delighted the following morning when Nikto presents her with her blood and peanut butter ice block.

-

Translations

“да,” - “Yes” 

“Я не знал, что ты такая королева драмы,” - “I didn't know you were such a drama queen,”  

“место!” - “Stay!” 

“Спутник!” - “Sputnik!” 

“ко мне!” - “Come!”  

[lady-pug]

Anything For You

Summary: 5 times Crosshair protects you and 1 time you do the same for him.

Pairing: Crosshair x Reader

Word count: 5k

Warnings: canon-typical violence, one dude being kinda creepy at 79's

Notes: Hello hello everyone! It's been a hot minute since this series has seen an update, but after season 3 I had some inspiration (I know it has been a while since season 3 actually come out, but some things had happened that needed my sole attention, I didn’t have the time nor the energy and motivation to write for quite a while). But now I’m back!

I really hope you, dear reader, enjoy this and have fun while reading it. If you spot any mistakes, please feel free to warn me and I'll correct it right away, and feedback is always welcome and appreciated. I hope you truly enjoy this story.

Reader is female, but no physical descriptions provided. Also, when describing the formal attire in topic 3 I tried to keep descriptions to a minimum so you can imagine what the reader is wearing in this scene (I’m a sucker for women in suits, but it’s up to you to imagine)

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1.

The Batch’s mission on Taanab had gone south very quickly. The Separatists had aimed to cut the commercial lines the planet held with Coruscant, which would pose a major problem as it could possibly throw the entire Republic into starvation. So Clone Force 99 had been sent to scout the planet and possibly find Separatists spies stationed there. What they didn’t count on was being ambushed by Norulac pirates almost as soon as they tried to leave the planet.

Tech and Hunter had gone inside a facility suspected of housing the spies they were looking for, while Wrecker kept watch by the entrance, and you and Crosshair covered their shebs from a hill a few klicks away. What you didn’t expect was for Tech to take a major hit as soon as they walked out the door with the spy. In order not to compromise the mission, Wrecker pushed the cuffed nautolan back inside the compound and closed the doors behind them. 

As soon as the first blaster bolt was fired, you leaped to your feet, much to Crosshair’s protests, and started running towards Tech, medkit clutched tightly under your arm. Crosshair, ever the marksman, kept shooting his Firepunch, trying to get rid of as many pirates while you pushed forward. As you approached the place where Tech had gone down you skidded to a halt, keeping your head down as to avoid the blaster fire. Slipping your hand under his armpits you dragged him across the pebbled ground (and mentally apologized for any scratches he might find on his backplate later on), taking cover behind a short wall and starting to patch him up.

What you didn’t notice, however, was the pirate approaching from behind you and Tech while you assessed his injuries, who must have either slipped unnoticed by Wrecker and Hunter or come up all the way from behind the facility. You only seemed to notice him once Tech, coming back to his senses after a stim shot, pointed over your shoulder and told you to look out. By then it was already too late, as the pirate had his vibroblade raised and ready to strike.

As you fumbled with your blaster to at least try and protect the two of you a long blaster bolt came scorching through the air, hitting the man right on his temple and sending him tumbling sideways, dead. You glanced back towards the hill you had just climbed down from, sending a nod in Crosshair’s general direction, knowing he could see you with his scope.

“Thanks for having my back, Cross.” you spoke into your commlink before resuming your work on Tech’s wound, barely catching Crosshair’s reply.

“Anything for you, Copikla.” he mumbled, going back to firing his rifle in order to help his brothers take out the remaining pirates.

2.

The woman was definitely moving too fast for someone who allegedly had nothing to hide. And Clone Force 99 was hellsbent (more like ordered to) figure out why.

Your current mission, issued by Commander Fox of all people, albeit a stealth mission of sorts, wasn’t like anything you had ever done before. A Gran representative of Malastare, acting as a temporary substitute for Senator Ainlee Teem while the senator went back to his home planet to help calm the nerves and appease the public opinion of the citizens of Malastare about the rampage caused by the Zillo Beast, was suspected to be working for the Separatists. Afraid that an investigation lead directly by the Coruscant Guard would be too on the nose and she might try to cover her tracks, Commander Fox had surprisingly, as him and the Batch often didn't see eye to eye, requested that the Bad Batch be the ones to follow her around and figure out her intentions.

So here you and Crosshair were, following the woman a few paces behind her all throughout Coruscant busy streets. The plan of action had been to split up, Hunter and Wrecker taking the two parallel streets to the one where the woman was currently speed-walking while you and Crosshair followed behind her. Tech had stayed behind at the Guard’s headquarters, tracking the woman’s movements using the surveillance system. 

As the teams were being separated Crosshair had demanded that you go with him (although ‘demand’ might be too strong of a word, as he knew Hunter, as his commanding officer, could very well tell him to shut up and take a step back, which he thankfully didn’t), internally reasoning with himself that you could very well get lost and compromise the mission, even though the knowing smirk the Sergeant had sent his way after agreeing with his suggestion told him he might have other reasons. And now he was glad he insisted on that.

As dusk fell over the city and rush hour approached, more and more people filled the streets eager to head home. This didn’t pose a problem for Crosshair as his height, greater than that of the regs (and quite greater than Hunter’s, as he often liked to tease his vod about) paired with his extraordinary eyesight allowed him to keep his eyes on the Gran woman at all times. You on the other hand weren’t so lucky, as people bumped into you and tried to squeeze their way past the both of you. Concerned you’d slip away, dragged by the sea of people, he snaked his arm around your waist, his hand lazily draped over your hip, keeping you close to his side and not letting you venture away from him.

You looked up at him, a tiny grin gracing your features.

“Thanks Cross.”

The only response you got was his grip on your hip. tightening almost imperceptibly.

3. 

“I don’t like it.” 

Hunter sighed for the umpteenth time in the past hour.

“I already told you, these are our orders.” he turned towards his brother, who scowled in return.

“Why can’t one of us go in?”

“As a matter of fact, that option has been brought up to Commander Cody,” Tech chimed in, not once taking his eyes off his holopad “but he has reminded us of a crucial fact: no matter how much our phenotype might differ from that of the regs, we’re still clones. If a single slightly more enlightened individual in that ballroom catches sight of our resemblance to our mandalorian progenitor, the mission would be compromised.”

Crosshair huffed, still not convinced.

“But why does it have to be her?” he argued “Why couldn’t they have brought another natborn specialist? Or, kriff, even a senator? Senators are good at these sorts of events.”

“Senators are public figures, they would be recognized in an instant.” Hunter promptly answered “And all other female natborns were unavailable.”

“And the Seppie likes pretty women!” Wrecker laughed “I mean who doesn’t? I’m sure none of us would be able to seduce him!”

“I still don’t like it.” unsatisfied, Crosshair picked up his Firepuncher to check the scope, even though he knew for a fact it was pristine as always. 

A beneficent gala was being held by the InterGalactic Banking Clan to members of the Confederacy of Independent Systems council in Cantonica. One Separatist senator, a sleazy old quacta of a man, was rumored to have information on the next course of action regarding a siege against Republic forces in Ansion. So, given the sensitivity of the mission ahead, Clone Force 99 was called in. However, none of them could go in without the risk of being recognized as members of the GAR, so they had to send in-

“How do I look?” he was buried so deep in his own thoughts he didn’t even hear the door to the fresher opening and you stepping out into the hull of the ship. As he looked up to glance at you, he thanked the maker he was already sitting down, otherwise his knees would have buckled and he would have been sent tumbling down.

You looked gorgeous. 

Your hair was styled in a completely different style than you normally wore it, a few delicate pins adorning it. Some light makeup covered your face, accentuating your natural beauty. And your outfit… Crosshair had only seen you in your uniform and armor in the battlefield, or in your GAR-issued blacks around the ship. He had never seen you wearing anything like this, so formal and fitting for your exact frame.

He couldn’t even speak. He just kept staring at you, his eyes moving up and down your frame.

“You look beautiful, baar’ur’ika!” Wrecker’s booming voice brought him out of his stupor, as he shook his head.

“You really think so?” you asked, feeling a little shy “I never usually wear something so nice, this is a bit out of my comfort zone.”

“You look amazing Doc.” Hunter chimed in, nudging his brother with his elbow, his lips pulled in a knowing smirk “Doesn’t she, Crosshair?”

He was still collecting his thoughts when you turned to face him, eyes gleaming with… hope? 

“Yeah,” he dared answer “yes, she does.”

You beamed at him, smiling so brightly he felt his heart skip a beat for being the reason for your happiness. He wasn’t even bothered when he heard Hunter chuckling under his breath, no doubt catching on his vod’s reaction to your presence. 

As your squad started diskimbarking to start the mission, Crosshair reached out to hold you in place, his fingers gently encircling your wrist, leaving just the two of you still on the ship.

“If-” he swallowed thickly, not knowing how to say what he was thinking. 

“What is it, Cross?” you turned towards him, giving him your full attention.

“I’ll be keeping watch on the roof the entire time.” he breathed out “If anything happens, if at any moment you feel like you might be in danger, comm me. I’ll find a way to get you out, Copikla.”

You smiled softly at him, turning your palm up and intertwining your fingers.

“I’ll be fine, Cross. Really. You don’t have to worry about me.” Impossible, he thought, and as if reading his mind you squeezed his hand gently “But thank you for keeping an eye out for me.”

He squeezed your hand back, lips turning up in the tiniest of smiles.

And if at a certain point during the gala, a glass of wine carefully balanced on a tray on a waiters hand spontaneously exploded, startling the waiter and making him drop the entire contents of the tray over the separatist senator as he started getting handsy with you, Hunter’s scolding for nearly compromising the mission was definitely worth it as you giggled at his antics behind the sergeants back.

4.

79’s was certainly more packed than usual for a standard Taungsday. It seemed like most battalions were on leave at once, hence the more chaotic atmosphere and the crowd forming around the bar. 

It had been forever since Clone Force 99 had shore leave scheduled on Coruscant instead of being called back to Kamino, so you intended to make the most of it. Wrecker was already a few drinks in, arm wrestling some of the boys of the 212th; Echo was catching up with some of the boys in blue, having spend so much time away from his old battalion; Tech had already gone back to the barracks to read some articles on his holopad, the weird neon green cocktail he had order right at the beginning of the night only half empty and long forgotten; and Hunter had already scurried off with a gorgeous orange Twi’lek. 

Only you and Crosshair remained at the table, chatting idly, your thigh pressed against the side of his and his arm slung over the back of the seat behind you. Your heads were tilted close together in order to hear each other over the beat of the music in the club. For a moment Crosshair thought it felt weirdly… intimate, even though you weren’t actually doing anything. He’d never been this close to anyone, where he felt he could just let himself be. It was nice.

“I’m going to get another drink.” you whispered-yelled at him at one point, gesturing at his own cup “Want anything?”

He pondered for a moment, before declining with a shake of his head.

“Someone has to keep a clear head in order to babysit the lot of you.” he motioned to where Wrecker, clearly a little more than tipsy, was celebrating another victory over a shiny.

You snorted, before quickly turning around and walking towards the bar. He couldn’t help but silently watch over you, always keeping you in his line of sight.

It had become second nature to him, watching you. At first he tried to argue that it was only to ensure you didn’t do anything stupid and risk one of his brothers, but it slowly ended up becoming something he just did naturally. He wanted, no, needed, to ensure you were safe at all times, and not just on the battlefield.

As he watched you lean over the bar and signal the bartender, your back turned to him, he noticed a devarionian man quickly glance over at you from a few seats away. For a few moments nothing happened, he kept his eyes trained on you, occasionally catching sight of the devarionian from the corner of his eye. 

And then the guy was moving.

He slid up next to you, standing way too close for your (and Crosshair’s comfort). The mirror above the shelfs in the bar let him see your face,  and you did not seem too happy with your new company. At first you tried ignoring the man, he noticed, giving him very clipped answers and only nodding along. The guy, it seemed, couldn’t seem to take a hint, as he kept rambling on and on about something the sniper couldn’t bother reading his lips for. And the moment his hand brushed against your arm, startling you and prompting you to take a step away from the man with ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘creeped out’ written all over your face, Crosshair was out of his seat and crossing the dancefloor towards you in quick strides.

Once he approached the pair of you, you noticed him over the man’s shoulder, your face relaxing slightly at the sight of him.

“Is everything all right?” he asked, to which the devarionian turned to him seemingly undisturbed. 

“Yeah, me and the lady over here were having a wonderful chat.” the devarionian dismissed him “ Now if you’ll excuse us.” 

Crosshair knew he was tall. He, along with Tech, was the second tallest amongst all clones, shorter only than Wrecker. It wasn’t something he usually cared for, unless when he got to tease Hunter about his own height, which was shorter than the regs, but he knew for a fact he was taller than most people. So he decided to use this to his advantage. As his face contorted into the deepest scowl he could muster, he crossed his arms over his chest, squaring his shoulders. This meant he was absolutely towering over the man. He didn’t even have to say anything and the devarionian was already cowering.

“A-actually, I think my buddy over there is calling me over.” and he rushed off without even looking at you again.

You looked at Crosshair as he relaxed, a mixture of gratitude and a sense of residual unease written in your face.

“Thanks Cross,” you started “but I could’ve handled him. You know I can take care of myself.” 

“Trust me, Copikla, I know.” he shrugged “But you shouldn’t have to.” 

Your face softened at his words, and you leaned your head against his arm. 

“Thank you anyway.” 

His response came in the form of a wordless hum, but which carried a whole lot of meaning to it.

‘Always’.

5.

Crosshair absolutely hated keeping watch. He would take Wrecker’s snoring and Tech’s endless tinkering over this any day. They were in hyperspace, for maker’s sake! What threat could be so dire that one of them had to stay awake and alert for hours, freezing cold as Tech refused to fix the cockpit’s heating system?

But Hunter insisted. And as their sergeant, Hunter was in charge and whatever he said goes. And so here Crosshair was, watching nothing go by bored out of his mind.

All of a sudden he heard the soft pattern of bare feet against the cold floor of the Marauder, approaching the cockpit. It couldn’t possibly be Wrecker, he could still hear his snoring from all the away from the bunks. It wasn’t Echo either, as the clanking of his mechanical legs against the durasteel floor would have given him away. It probably wasn’t Hunter, as the man was an incredibly deep sleeper, his slumber being one of the only one moments his heightened senses gave him a break. And Tech wasn’t supposed to come relieve him from watch duty for at least three more hours or so. So that left only you.

Because of this line of thought he was unsurprised when you joined him in the cockpit, dropping onto the co-pilot seat next to him.

For a moment neither of you uttered a word. He stayed silent as he took you in, noticing the way your shoulders trembled slightly and the soft sniffles you were trying to contain.

“What’s wrong?” he asked at last.

You startled, as if only now noticing his presence next to you. Once you calmed down you simply shrugged in response.

“Nightmare, ‘s all.” your voice wavered a tiny bit, but it was enough for him to notice.

Silence permeated the room once more as he thought about the situation. You clearly seemed shaken by whatever was plaguing your mind when sleeping, yet he didn’t really know how to help. He wasn’t the best with words, Hunter and even Wrecker were way better than him when it came to comforting people.

But then he paused. Thinking about Hunter reminded him of something his older brother would do whenever one of them had nightmares as cadets.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

As a kid Crosshair never took Hunter up on his offer to listen, but he would still sit with him in silence and let him wind down after the dream. Wrecker on the other hand often rambled about what had scared him and Hunter always found a solution for him. Tech often kept to himself, never mentioning when he had nightmares of his own, but he knew Hunter had his back should he ever wish to talk.

You chuckled, though it was humorless and heavy.

“You know I have worked with other clones, right?” he nodded, remembering the medical base you used to work at before joining Clone Force 99 as their field medic “I had a lot of patients there. Most we were able to treat, but… we lost a lot of them as well.” 

He could only imagine the kind of toll that took on someone.

“And it’s like they weren’t even people!” you whispered, frustrated tears collecting in your eyes “There wasn’t any family we could contact to deliver the bad news, at best one of his batchmates or another brother from the same battalion. But in the end it was just… crossing numbers out of a spreadsheet.” 

You took a deep breath in order to collect your thoughts.

“I see them when I fall asleep sometimes.” you smiled, but it was a sad smile, one that Crosshair didn’t think suited you at all “The ones I could save.” 

Crosshair didn’t know what to say to that. How much death had you witnessed before you met the Bad Batch? Before you met him? You had your own demons haunting you, and it served to show him that them, the soldiers fighting this war, weren’t the only ones affected by it.

“Come here.” he extended a hand to you.

“What?” you looked at him, confused.

He repeated himself, and when you stood up and stopped in front of him he gently grabbed your wrist and pulled you onto his lap, maneuvering you so your head was resting against his shoulder, your ear right above his heart.

“It’s not your fault.” he spoke into your hair “You cannot save everyone. All you can do is try.”

“What happens if I’m not able to save one of you?” he heard the terror in your voice and he couldn’t stand it.

“I won’t let that happen.”

“Cross…”

“I won’t.” he affirmed firmly “I watch over you so you can watch over us. Always.”

He could feel the tension in your body vanishing, as a comforting silence enveloped the both of you. Slowly, as your breathing slowed down and you fell back asleep, he tightened his grip on you, keeping you close to him. And you slept soundly and peacefully through the night, with Crosshair keeping guard of your dreams. 

+1 

Another mission, another success. Clone Force 99 was ordered to infiltrate a Separatist base on Agamar and retrieve some sensitive information regarding the former Separatist rule over Onderon. The mission was easy (at least by the Bad Batch’s standards) and Wrecker was overjoyed over getting to blow a droid tank up. But it was time to head back to Kamino, resupply and wait for new orders.

Wrecker practically barged out of the ship as soon as the Havoc Marauder touched the hangar on Tipoca City, claiming to be starving even though he had eaten not even an hour before. Tech, Echo and you followed him to the mess hall, and Hunter headed to the commander’s office to submit the several missions’ reports he was due, promising to join the four of you later. Similarly, Crosshair mentioned stopping by the armory to grab some more reflective disks as he was running out, shooting a wink your way as you promised to save him a seat next to you on the squad’s usual table.

On the way back to their quarters following his visit to the armory Crosshair bumped into Hunter and after a few words both decided to stop by their quarters in order to leave their equipment before heading to the mess hall to meet the others. As they wandered the sterile halls of the kaminoan facility, however, an incoming transmission from Hunter’s comm made them stop short.

“Hunter, where are you?” Tech’s usually calm and collected voice came through sounding a bit… panicky. Strange, Crosshair’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at his brother; Tech didn’t panic.

“Crosshair and I are on our way to our quarters, why?”

“You might want to make a detour to the medbay.” Echo’s voice came in as well. “A fight broke out in the mess hall.”

Hunter pinched his nose as Crosshair sighed in annoyance. Typical. They’ve been back on Kamino for less than a standard hour and they were already in trouble.

“What did Wrecker get up to this time?” Crosshair spoke into his brother’s comm.

Echo and Tech paused, the silence on their end stretching for a moment.

“It wasn’t Wrecker.” Tech answered.

“This time.” Echo chimed in.

A distant ‘Hey!’ was heard as Hunter and Crosshair exchanged a confused yet concerned glance before rushing through the halls. Tech and Echo were waiting for them before the closed doors that lead to the medbay.

“What happened?” Hunter asked, his tone laced with tiredness, clearly fed up with his brothers’ antics. 

But before either of them could respond a pair of troopers, regs by the looks of it, walked out the doors. And they couldn’t look worse for wear; one of them had a busted lip and the other was sporting a broken nose, two large bruises already starting to climb up towards his eyes.

“Oh, look, the rest of the anomalies are here.” the one with the cut lip snickered, grimacing as the action pulled against the wound.

“How about you control your little shabuir next time, eh?” the other scoffed as they walked away “Crazy shebs medic and the genetic freaks, it’s like they were made for each other.”

As soon as the word ‘medic’ crossed the reg’s lips Crosshair was moving, busting through the doors of the medbay. What he saw made his heart clench with worry; you were sitting on a cot, holding Wrecker’s hand rather tightly as a medical droid worked on your face. Crosshair could see some caked blood on your hair as the droid cleaned the side of your forehead where it had dripped down. As the droid went over where the cut must have been you winced, to which Wrecker rubbed up and down your back.

“There, baar’ur’ika. It’s all better now.” Wrecker whispered, or at least tried to.

“Thanks, Wreck.” you smiled up at him “I’m just not used to being on the receiving end of medical care, that’s all. I’m always the one cleaning up your cuts, not the other way around.”

Crosshair was so engrossed in watching the exchange he barely heard his brothers follow him into the medbay.

“Some regs started provoking us as we were walking to our table in the mess hall.” Tech explained “She started getting agitated but we told her to just ignore it. But then… a pair of regs said something under their breaths only she could hear, and she…”

“She went ballistic.” Echo completed for Tech, who looked unsettled for once “It looked like she was out for their heads. So much so that Wrecker had to step in.”

Crosshair heard Hunter sigh behind him.

“Command is not gonna be happy with him for getting into a fight. Again.”

“Oh no,” Tech corrected “Wrecker intervened in order to pry her away from the regs. The two troopers who just walked out? That was all her doing.”

A strange sense of pride bloomed inside Crosshair’s chest and started crawling up his throat, his lips threatening to curl into a small smile. Not only were you always looking out for them on the battlefield, but also outside of it? The trust he had been building over time seemed to solidify at that very moment.

As the droid finished wrapping your injury and walked away, Wrecker finally seemed to notice them. 

“Look! Crosshair and Hunter are here!”

As your eyes finally found his, you seemed to light up entirely, akin to a little kid on Life Day.

“Come on, Wrecker, let’s get you some food.” Hunter called, a barely contained sigh escaping from his lips “From what I hear you didn’t get a chance to eat yet. And I have to go back to Command and report this incident.”

Your smile turned sheepish and Crosshair couldn’t tell if you were embarrassed over the slight reprimanding tone in the sergeant’s voice or because your shenanigans had caused everyone to miss dinner so far.

As the other’s left, he sat down on the foot of your cot next to your legs, his long fingers wrapping around your ankle.

“So” he drawled out, a small smirk pulling at his lips “I hear you got yourself in trouble?”

You chuckled, to which he squeezed your ankle playfully in return.

“Yeah, I guess your affinity for trouble is rubbing off on me.”

“I mean, you were assigned to us after all, you obviously aren’t the little angel Commander Cody made you out to be.” he joked, before letting his curiosity get the better of him “What did they say anyway to make you snap like that?”

He noticed the very moment your face fell, your smile slipping off your face and your eyes turning slightly dull.

“Oh, Cross.” there was something so sad in the way you said his name that he never wanted to hear again, even if it meant he never got to hear his name fall from your lips for the rest of his life “They were so vile. First they started talking about Tech, Wrecker and Echo and they just told me to ignore it, but then…” a very soft, almost unnoticeable sheen of tears brimmed in your eyes “They started talking about you, Cross.”

The grip he had on your leg grew even tighter as he physically recoiled, taken aback.

“They started saying these awful things about you and you weren’t even there.” you stammered “They were being cruel and mean to you behind your back and I couldn’t let that slide. I just remembered what you once told me, about how the regs treated you as cadets and I just… saw red. I didn’t even think, I just acted.”

Crosshair felt his heart skip a beat. You, their sweet medic, got into a physical altercation… because of him? Because you felt the need to protect not only him, but his vode as well? You, who baked cookies and was nice to him even when he pushed you away and insulted you, broke a soldier’s nose… for him?

“I-I’m sorry.” you sighed “I know I shouldn’t have, but-”

“Would you do it again?”

Now was your turn to be taken aback.

“What?”

“If a bunch of regs ever insulted me or my brothers again,” he said slowly, the words feeling heavy on his tongue “would you defend us again, even if it meant getting hurt?”

Your lips curled up in a gentle smile, one he came to realize was reserved for him and him alone.

“I’d do anything for you, Crosshair.”

In a moment he was by your side, not even realizing he was moving. He sat on the bed by your side as you scooted over, making space for him, and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. His lips pressed softly on the hair on the crown of your head as he spoke.

“I won’t let you get hurt, Copikla.” he whispered, the most vulnerable he had ever been “Not on my watch, you’re never getting hurt again.”

He sighed contently as you relaxed by his side, laying your head on his shoulder.

“I promise.”

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved in our archive

Hey! Look! A great breakdown of that thing I'm always talking about being a big yet entirely-overlooked deal by 90% of medical professionals in regards to this particular virus!

SARS-CoV-2, the virus behind COVID-19, is not done with us. Over the past four years, it has shown a remarkable ability to adapt, with each new variant outmaneuvering our immune systems in unique ways. The recently published study on the XEC variant (November 22, 2024) provides fresh insights into how this virus is evolving. (1) Combining this with the broader history of immune evasion, we see a troubling pattern: the virus continues to find ways to evade the immune system and in many cases, persist, potentially leaving lasting impacts on our health even for those who experience only mild or asymptomatic infections.

What the Study Found: XEC’s Immune Escape Arsenal The latest study revealed that the XEC variant—an offspring of two previous variants, KS.1.1 and KP.3.3—has developed mechanisms that make it harder for our immune systems to neutralize it. Here’s how it works:

1. Glycosylation Mutations in the N-terminal Domain (NTD):

The XEC variant introduces new glycosylation sites, such as the T22N mutation, which act like a cloak, hiding key parts of the virus from antibodies.

These sugar molecules shield the receptor-binding domain (RBD), a crucial target for vaccines and natural immunity, making it harder for antibodies to bind and neutralize the virus.

2. Allosteric Effects:

Mutations in the NTD don’t just shield the virus—they also alter the behavior of the RBD through a process called allostery. These changes can make the RBD less accessible or alter how it interacts with human cells, further reducing the effectiveness of antibodies.

3. Potential Impact on Membrane Fusion:

The study hints that these mutations may also enhance how efficiently the virus fuses with human cells, potentially increasing its infectivity.

Immune Evasion: A Constant Tug-of-War The ability of SARS-CoV-2 to adapt is not new. Looking back at the history of immune evasion, we see a pattern:

The Early Days: Mutations like D614G made the virus more infectious.

Alpha and Beta Variants: N501Y and E484K mutations increased binding to human cells and evasion of neutralizing antibodies.

Omicron Era: A flurry of spike protein mutations allowed the virus to reinfect people with previous immunity and bypass vaccine-induced protection.

XEC is the next chapter in this story, combining these strategies with new tricks like glycosylation and allosteric modulation to stay ahead of human defenses.

Why This Matters: Beyond Infections Understanding immune evasion isn’t just about tracking infections—it’s about long-term health impacts. Here’s why this evolution is particularly concerning:

1. The Shadow of Long COVID:

Millions of people suffer from Long COVID, characterized by fatigue, brain fog, heart palpitations, and muscle pain. The virus’s ability to persist and evade the immune system might explain why symptoms linger for months or years in some individuals.

Chronic immune activation or hidden reservoirs of the virus could drive these long-term effects.

2. Asymptomatic but Chronic Damage:

Even in people without noticeable symptoms, SARS-CoV-2 has been shown to cause subtle, potentially long-term damage to:

Vascular systems: Leading to inflammation and microclot formation.

Neurological function: Disrupting brain activity and potentially accelerating neurodegenerative conditions. Early onset dementia

Musculoskeletal health: Causing unexplained weakness or pain.

Cognitive performance: Contributing to memory issues and reduced mental clarity. Are you or someone you know having more trouble finding words to use or losing things more often?

3. Vaccines Alone Aren’t Enough:

While vaccines remain essential, their effectiveness is limited by the virus’s rapid evolution. Variants like XEC show how SARS-CoV-2 can sidestep even the most advanced immune defenses, highlighting the need for next-generation vaccines targeting broader parts of the virus. We have know this for a long time now so where are the broader targeting vaccines?

The Future of SARS-CoV-2 Evolution The virus has already demonstrated its ability to adapt to our immune responses in multiple ways, and there’s no reason to believe it will stop. Here are some possibilities for future adaptation:

Further Refinement of Glycosylation: Adding or modifying sugar molecules could make the virus even more difficult to detect.

Enhanced Membrane Fusion: Mutations that improve how the virus merges with human cells could increase its infectivity.

Host Adaptation: Over time, the virus could become better at hiding within human cells, evading both natural immunity and therapeutic interventions.

Increased Chronicity: The virus might evolve to persist at low levels in the body, leading to ongoing inflammation and long-term health consequences.

What We Can Do: Adapting to the Virus’s Adaptations The XEC variant and others like it remind us that SARS-CoV-2 is still a formidable opponent. Here’s what we can do:

1. Invest in Better Vaccines:

Universal or pan-coronavirus vaccines that target conserved regions of the virus are critical.

2. Improve Diagnostics:

Detecting chronic or asymptomatic infections early could help mitigate long-term health effects.

3. Focus on Treatment:

Antiviral drugs that target different parts of the virus, combined with treatments for inflammation and immune dysregulation, could help reduce the impact of Long COVID.

4. Stay Vigilant:

For individuals, maintaining basic preventive measures during high transmission periods can significantly reduce risks.

Conclusion: Learning from the Virus SARS-CoV-2 is teaching us a harsh lesson about evolution. Its ability to adapt and evade our defenses, from antibodies to T-cells, shows no sign of slowing down. Variants like XEC underscore the importance of continued research, innovation, and public health vigilance. By understanding the virus’s strategies and preparing for its next moves, we can better protect ourselves—not just from acute infections but from the long-term consequences.

Reference:

Enhanced immune evasion of SARS-CoV-2 variants KP.3.1.1 and XEC through N-terminal domain mutations (November 22, 2024)

www.thelancet.com/journals/laninf/article/PIIS1473-3099%2824%2900738-2/fulltext

[thechaoticplayer]

that anon wasn’t me but they are absolutely correct and i feel like i should give my two cents worth about all of this among the sea of hate towards the nijisanji livers. i’m not bootlicking the company, but i feel like it’s hypocritical for people to sent hate to the talents after doki said MULTIPLE times not to since she was also a victim of such behavior (and plenty of dragoons no longer even feel safe in her community because of the immense amount of people who are only there to harass and don’t even care for her) this is a rant that just shows that the issue is gray and that we’ll never really know what’s going on as outsiders

tell the remaining members to graduate because their fanbase will follow them is stupid, acting like they didn’t work their asses off to get where they are and haven’t invested so much in their current persona. ike, elira, and vox are some of the most popular talents so that it makes sense for anycolor to force them into making the stream. saying that vox doesn’t care about mental health after his charity stream and saying that it was just for show need to shut up because we’ll never how how he’s really feeling behind the avatar. elira specifically doesn’t deserve the disproportionate amount of hate and disgusting things she received from it from what was essentially revenge porn to art of her being abused, have these people not been taught that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all? it costs NOTHING to spam hate on your private account instead.

while i agree that the 2% merch sales and 1/4 (after youtube) of the supas should be raised, that doesn’t mean that the livers aren’t making any money and are poor as several of them have mentioned being able to pay off student loans and have turned their lives around with the money. while it sucks that selen made no profit after investing 200k into projects, maria has mentioned before that covers were more of passion gifts to fans rather than something to make money off of (i DO think that they should be paid for their projects, but that’s just how it goes unfortunately). last cup of coffee was taken down because she didn’t have all of the proper permissions and rushed posting it as a sweet gift to fans, management had full intentions to put it back up.

accusing livers of being bullies based on speculations is idiotic as it just hurts innocent people in the crossfire. these may just look like anime women and men to you, but they are REAL PEOPLE and streaming for nijisanji is their main livelihood! have some empathy, it’s hurting their mental health (the mental health some “dragoons” seem to care about so much)

this goes to say, i am on doki’s side because NO ONE should have to go what she went through, but i just want to show that there are two sides to a coin. i think that nijisanji needs better management, to allow their talents more freedom and a higher percentage of merch sales/supas, and stop treating their livers like shit! stop the harassment and move on, it’s what doki has mentioned multiple times that she wanted! don’t be one of the reasons another liver may have to go what she went through because you have an irrational hate boner for the company

also stream mani / gilty x gilty by maria marionette, finana ryugu, POMU RAINPUFF, meloco kyoran, and kotoka torahime

guys this shit right here

This right here

We need to like post this everywhere bc holy shit people need to understand

You are 100% right!! I agree with everything you just said, esp the "graduate and get out of the company" because they really did bust their asses off to get where they are now and it's a childish way of thinking

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

Things that "allegedly" happened at the Aus tour that might have caused William to initiate the royal foundation split asap -

1. Jason stayed back in London at KP and did not accompany the couple to Australia. Quite a bit of the HnM staff went to Australia but point of contact the remained Jason in London. The harkle shenanigans were directly reported to Jason at KP during this time. And maybe Jason talked to William while Harry was away

2. Jessica accompanied Meghan as her stylist. But essentially Meghan and Jessica treated it as a holiday and wanted to do holiday stuff even though the couple's schedule was packed. Rumours are that Jessica/Meghan billed Clarence house for this styling expenses.

3. Meghan sort of sabotaged Invictus and wanted to be there with Harry at every Invictus appearance and give a speech as well. Harry in the end, ditched Invictus and only did a couple of appearances to give a speech. But did not meet with the organizers or the participants. While this is not related to RF or KP directly, it showed bad faith. Now we know they did mistreat David Beckham.

4. Jessica's husband Ben had also come over from Canada with a crew. This was done in the garb of covering invictus but rumours were that Meghan wanted to do an exclusive interview about her pregnancy. The staff put a stop to this. Seems like this was a similar arrangement to what the couple eventually did in SA with Bradby and the "no one asked if im okay" interview.

5. Meghan's people had kinda roped in Jaguar to be Invictus sponcers and arranged a Jaguar to be gifted to Ben as a thank you gift for the exclusive interview with the Canadian network. Staff got to know and put a stop to it becoming news. Rumours are that Ben then flew back, but still got the Jaguar.

6. Meghan did not like staying at the governor generals official residence. Esp since Jessica was with her. She wanted the whole house as opposed to a wing. Jason and the KP team had to sort that headache out and smooth it out with the Australian team. Meghan remained mad.

7. She had an argument with the Governor generals wife, allegedly over staff treatment. rumours are that Meghan used the F- word and rolled her eyes. Happened in front of KP and aus staff. This was pretty much a diplomatic incidence and BP+govt got involved.

8. She wanted to accompany Harry at every one of his solo engagements. This caused quite a bit of hassles last minute. They were late to nearly all their engagements.

9. The blood diamond earrings situation happened. She wore the earrings without letting the staff know. KP/London staff were told one thing and issued a statement but later were told by staff in Australia about the true provenance. From a diplomatic pov this was a very bad look but Meghan said she did not care.

10. Tea throwing incidence happened and tea allegedly spilled over one of her PAs. That PA was being bullied by Meghan for a while and decided to leave. She was paid and an iron clad NDA had to be signed. But this incidence became quite an big legal issue for KP and there was allegedly a super injunction about this.

11. Jason decided to officially forward the bullying complaint to Simon case, BP HR and CH in writing. And maybe talked to William because staff's mental health was at stake.

12. She walked out of the UN women engagement after 10min and berated her staff, while at the venue, for arranging this. She allegedly ripped her Amy and her female body guard a new one infront of everyone, including royal rota. Amy cried. And the female bodyguard handed in her resignation that day.

13. She allegedly skipped/ditched some engagements to go to a spa/resort with Jessica. This caused some embarrassment because a lot of people had put in a lot of time and efforts into making these happen- reporters, organizers, local authorities, security, attending public and staff were all left embarrassed.

14. She was merching throughout the tour. She had arranged for merching deals and freebies and the staff wasn't made aware. Ethically, this caused quite some problems for KP. Gifts were also accepted in Australia personally by the couple against staff advice.

15. The pricetag on one of her dresses was left on when she walked out of a plane. She was embarrassed and ripped into her assistant for that. That was a merch which went wrong for her.

16. The couple was rude to the royal rota throughout. Even though the rota had been previously briefed about the kind of coverage Meghan wanted. Jason had to frantically be smooth things over constantly from London to ensure positive coverage from the press.

17. At least 4 members of meghans staff handed in their notice while on tour. This got back to KP/William who felt they had to act asap.

18. The couple constantly rowed while in Australia, and staff was put in an impossible sandwich situation while dealing with two. Both H and M were constantly on social media checking commments and were issued that public was criticising Meghan. They constantly telling staff to cover social media and clab back, instead of doing actual work.

Thank you so much! I remembered it was a disaster, but I’d forgotten some of the details.

They also took some vacation days at a resort, and there were rumors it was a freebie. And she made that speech claiming she’d paid her way through Northwestern and her dad and sister clapped back at that.

It really was a nightmare. I smh whenever Harry claims his family was jealous about how well they did in Australia.

[cyb3rtarot]

Asking the Right Question for the Best Personal Readings—Part 1

Phrasing questions well is important whether you're a reader or querent. Confusion often goes back to the question. To avoid lack of clarity and be extra kind to your reader, keep these in mind!:

Ask exactly, specifically what you want to know; Ask from the most productive angle.

You may get “noise” or irrelevant info if you’re not precise. Many people get readings on feelings or the most changeable, abstract parts of a situation, when there's concrete things you can ask about. Here's a common example:

Querent A asks how their crush feels about them. It seems like their crush likes them and wants to make a move, but there’s mixed signals. Querent A just want to know if they’re planning on taking this farther. Ding ding ding, we have the issue. Querent A is interested in what their crush is DOING; the thing weighing on them is lack of movement and clarity. But, they asked how their crush feels. Someone can feel all sorts of things, but feelings and action are different questions. Reading into feelings does not necessarily provide insight on reality, especially if you're only getting a few cards pulled. Querent A could discover their crush has strong feelings for them, but with no further insight into the actual issue, this could be confusing. A better question would be something like, “what do I need to know about moving my relationship forward with my crush?” This addresses the root of their concern and also applies the wisdom of point 2.

When in doubt or if you can't make your question specific, asking what advice you need to hear about the situation is good. This brings in overall helpful messages as opposed to limiting yourself to one aspect. It's also great when you want a topic read but don't have specific questions.

You are not powerless

Your question should not remove agency from your life!! Questions that frame life as something completely out of your control or provide an answer you can't take action on can be mentally harmful. It's helpful to ask about things we can affect, remaining grounded in reality and responsibility. These questions also fall into the trap of point 1; asking something from an unhelpful angle. Notice how the revised question in example 1 puts the querent in a place to take action if possible. Example:

Querent B has been insecure about many different things, from work to relationship. They're getting 2 questions read, "will my girlfriend and I break up?" and "will I ever get my dream job?" Both of these treat fate like a yes/no scenario instead of something you co-create. If the querent doesn't hear what they'd like, they'll feel worse off. These questions are also not specific— if the answers are yes, that could be tomorrow or in 65 years. Questions like, "what do I need to pay attention to in my relationship?" or, "what can I do to improve my chances for my dream job?" support the querent in working on their life.

It's important to think about what answers you may get. Questions you're not prepared to hear tough answers for are best left for when you're ready or rephrased. If we focus on ourselves as the writer instead of a character in a story, we get better readings and better outcomes in all things.

Don’t ask the same thing over and over in a short span of time.

"Some of y’all bout to be real mad at me, but it must be said-" Asking the same question repeatedly is a recipe for disaster! Put the cards down 💥💥🔫!

Tarot is an introspective tool; it works best when we look within ourselves and the symbolism for meaning. The more reflection, the more learned. When we repeatedly read the same question in a short time, we get hungry for answers but not learning. It’s like reading a book and never stopping to think about it.

Often, we redo readings in two main cases. One, we're confused. The nature of tarot is any card can offer a truth about anything. Sit with the cards, research their meanings within your topic. Break it down into elements or numerology, which you can look up. Sometimes we need refreshers or clarifiers, but this is more reasonable for say a second reading after digesting the first, and not 4+ in a couple weeks (assuming this is not a routine, like daily pulls). Doing a lot of readings can be great for learning tarot—when varied.

The second common case is not liking what the cards said. Some say their cards never refer to the question asked. They don't believe the cards pulled can be their answer, or they're new readers and don't know how to relate the cards to the topic. Some try and try again for positive answers like slot machines.

Overdoing readings is draining to mental health. As a buyer, it also makes you susceptible to scammers who tailor messages to what you want to hear. So, approach with an open mind and sit with answers before asking again. As a querent, ask your reader if they could explain some of their card interpretation if you're confused! You can post in tarot communities and ask for opinions or education. Every reader has their own style, so different interpretations are normal as long as you can trace a thought process! If you feel your deck is hard to personally interpret as a reader, you may need to try other decks or readings that connect with your intuition, but don't forget to learn basics as well!

Thank you for reading!—Tip Link  |  Paid Reading Info in Pinned Post!

[velvetvexations]

Hi there! I'm a trans man who's been taking T for about 3 years now, and I wanted to share some insights for your friend.

1: About the risks of heart issues and other health concerns. Is there a risk? Yes. But it's the exact same amount of risk that AMABs are born with. I've noticed an elevated red blood cell count for me personally, but it's never been a dangerous amount and really just means it's a good idea for me to donate blood and share that extra!

2: In terms of the mental or emotional changes, it won't make you any more aggressive or emotional on its own. However, I notice when I don't take my T consistently that it does worsen my depression, so if you do start taking T make sure you take it when you're supposed to, and be aware if you decide to stop taking for a while that might affect your moods. Other than that, the biggest change to my mood was confidence. I wasn't as "quiet/shy" because I liked how I sounded when I spoke. I was more willing to go out and leave the house because I liked how I looked <3

3: The changes that come and how quickly they come are going to be different for everyone, but a good way to figure out how it will affect you is to consider your genetics and family medical history. For example, I was concerned about hair loss or a receded hairline, and was advised to look at the hair patterns of men on my mother's side of the family to get an idea of what that would look like.

4: Know that you have options, and never be afraid to advocate for yourself. Injections don't have to be your only option. I tried them for a year before deciding it wasn't right for me, that using the needles for myself was too anxiety inducing. So I switched to a daily gel I rub on my arms in the morning. There will be a plan that's right for your needs, your comfort, and your budget. I know it's scary asking these questions, but asking questions is the best way to find what's going to work for you!

Thank you! Here are some other anons who sent in about this:

Trans guy on T here, i get 1000mg of it injected intramuscularly by a nurse every 3 months, with regular blood tests to monitor it, as directed by both my regular GP and endocrinologist who authorised my prescription, iv been on HRT for over 4 years now. some info: - in my experience, my periods ceased entirely within a few months, i grew facial hair and more body hair, my voice dropped and experienced clitoral growth. some of these things are permenant and some would revert if i were to stop taking hormones. i have had no major (or even minor) health changes in this time but obviously if it happens it happens. - also about libido, iv always been asexual even before i started T so, nothing changed for me there. Again, im not some kind of difinitive trans guy, everyone will havw different results. Just keep in mind that sexuality is a spectrum and is fluid, as long as you remain respectful of your sexual and romantic partners and be mature, youre not going to become some kind of hypersexual monster. - taking masculanising hormones IS NOT effective birth control, if you have a functuoning uterus then you need to still practice safe sex. If you intend on having children, then you need to consider that if/when you begin treatment because it would be a notable factor in your success rate there. obviously by doing anything to effect your homones has its risks, you need to be careful about it, have regular checkups if you can. honestly i have no experience in self administering testosterone so i cant advise you do that, but if thats your only option then please make sure you do your own thorough research to ensure your safety. if youre taking masculanising hormones, everyones experience will differ as with any medication, but this has been proven for decades now to be an effective and safe treatment for gender dysphoria (honestly tho imo wanting to transition shouldn't nessesarily be pathologised like that). any risks may be present, but not more so than cis men. As long as youre taking care of your general health it shouldnt be a concern. this kind of shit gave me a bit of concern before i started hormones, so i get it, but doing a bit of research will quickly reveal that a lot of it is overblown and exaggerated by TERFs and other stupid pundits. If you're considering taking hormones of any kind, id reccomend seeking a general practitioner who is specifically knowledgeable about HRT, they will walk you through any associated risks and answer any questions you have before deciding if its the right option for you. good luck and be safe out there!

yooo velvet, 1000mg T guy again just adding some extra info i thought of - if you care about ur boobs then they might lose a little bit of "volume" i guess if you go on T, this is just part of fat redistribution, which can happen to some folk. medically this isnt a concern but for aesthetic reasons its relevant. - if ur into working out, you might find that you build muscle a lot easier, on the flipside you may find yourself with more of an appetite to control. so if you have issues or concerns in either of those departments then make sure you consider that too and figure out a plan. - honestly the worst risk for me personally is that i am now at risk of male pattern baldness i suppose. this doesn't happen to everyone and ur genetics will determine if it happens to you. theres lots of modern ways to retain your hair or prevent it from falling out too, and of course there are hairpieces or you could just own the cueball look too haha. (quick tip, if possible, check CIS MALE members of your family belonging to the MATERNAL half of your family tree, the gene for MPB is passed down your biological mother's side) - T can come in lots of forms if you dont like needles. you can get it in patches or pills too. Personally, i have no experience with these methods so youll need to look into it urself or ask ur doctor for help. you can also vary the dose of it too, you cant really pick and choose what effects you get by taking T but you can control their development to some extent. also of course if you decide after the fact that it isnt right for you, you can choose not to continue (bear in mind that some changes from T are "permenant", maybe ask some of your transfem friends for tips to overcome them, voice training, makeup tips, etc) basically though, dont take advice from people who have a political interest in silencing you. also im an anonymous voice on tumblr, dont take my word for this shit at face value. by all means use it as a jumping off point but make sure you look into it urself with research from credible sources and actual doctors who can attend to your needs personally. anecdotal from T users like myself are good but they shouldn't be your only source of info.

TMI but the only bad thing that happened to me cuz of T is my dick being unbearably itchy for a few days every so often

for that anon asking about T: i'm a trans guy whos been on T since 2019 and it did not cause unstable emotions in me at all. if anything, it made my emotions MORE stable because a lack of hormonal dysphoria meant that suddenly i was able to cope with the more unpleasant shit in life because i didnt have that background noise of hormonal dysphoria constantly making me a little bit miserable at all goddamn times. the idea that testosterone makes you unstable is just gender essentialist terf nonsense.

[haruharuz]

Self Therapy; A Note

I've been pondering about this concept for quite a while now. Therapy itself is a wonderful tool to pick your broken pieces up and gently glue them back together- as if they were never broken at all.

However, not everyone has the resources to truly indulge in such tools. So I mulled over the idea of doing therapy almost at home. While it won't be as effective, as far as my personal experience goes, therapists typically give out homework to their patients.

I want to make it clear that because you're doing this kind of thing at home, it is vital to remain cautious. This is not medical advice, just something to consider.

If you do not have the resources to go to therapy, doing a self therapy session every single week could be beneficial, I think. I'm making a little guide on how exactly I personally am choosing to do this.

(●´∀｀●)

Step One: Choose An App

There are many many free apps specifically geared towards mental health. I've used a few, one of which being "WYSA" which I personally enjoyed. Pick one you think would suit you!

I enjoy these apps primarily because they typically have some free form of help. Like breathing exercises, meditation, etc! You can skip this step if you don't feel comfortable.

Step Two: Find Resources Online

You can easily find a lot of free resources online by looking up "therapy worksheet" "anxiety worksheet" "depression worksheet" etc.

Find a couple that you think would suit you to work on for the first week. The more you find, I recommend stockpiling them into a folder! This way, every new session you can either pre-plan said worksheets or grab a couple quickly.

I also highly recommend looking for journal prompts! Especially shadow work journal prompts that help you release certain emotions. You can do this with pen and a notebook or you can use a laptop/tablet for this! If you don't feel secure, password protect documents or hide your journal in a very safe place.

Step Three: Plan your first Session

Identify what you would like to address/work on during the session. Write it down.

Find the worksheets and exercises you want to do, plan them out. It's easier to go ahead and print/write/type them now and put them in a folder with a clear name. (e.g. ST.session1)

Find a day in the week when you know you will have at least one hour of free time. During this one hour of free time, you will be taking the time to do all of your things ! You can do this before bed, in the middle of the day. Just choose a time you think would be best.

I recommend setting a small goal every 1-2 sessions. Remember, goals should be reasonable, attainable, and measurable. Little steps. (For instance, if you struggle with severe social anxiety like I did, you can make a goal "order a coffee one time", but there's many ways to do this)

You can add more to this if you want! Please remember, you can add a face mask and reading a nice book, or other coping skills/self care to this if you think it might help. I recommend choosing things based off on how much time you have and how effective they are at helping you cope. You can also add them all separately to a "self care" day weekly. Up to you.

Example Setup

I'm sharing my personal set-up and plan with you! Some people need visuals <3

This is my folder set up:

as you can see, I have three folders inside a "self therapy" folder!

inside the "journaling" folder, I have three documents that align with the session outline (pictured next) that is in its respective folder. The first one has a journal prompt, the second two are completely blank and only named. They're just sitting there, waiting and ready!

This is my session outline. It includes what issues I'll be addressing and what exercises I'll be doing. Also, the next goal I'd like to work towards. This includes how I plan to do so. I also put a clear DAY and TIME for this session.

This is the worksheet I'll be doing:

And that's all! I'll be following this tomorrow and drinking some chocolate milk and relaxing :3 not too shabby, huh! Don't forget, if you are ever thinking about hurting yourself: call a hotline.

[endrinstone]

Would you like to watch the Showtime SMP?

[ID: The Showtime SMP logo. It features the name spelled out in a shiny blocky font, coloured gold and purple. End ID.]

[Last updated: 13. 7. 2024 (kinda)]

What is the Showtime SMP, anyway? 

It's an ongoing (mostly) vanilla SMP with a focus on storytelling, started by Zolister on June 9th 2023. It's filled with serious (and often quite dark) plot lines, but still features a good deal of improv and goofing around. Vibes wise, it's somewhere between Kaboodle SMP, Lifesteal and DSMP.

It doesn't have a "gimmick", but over time it developed worldbuilding involving gods, multiversal travel, intertwining with the 4th wall, and "The Narrative".

It's loosely a second season of the Sussy SMP (silly name, but a good server). Although some members incorporate it into their character's backstory, you don't have to watch the previous SMP in order understand the current story.

How do I watch it?

The story is told through livestreams, there are only a couple of videos. (There are also some in-character social media accounts, those are fun.)  To get into the lore, I highly recommend this spreadsheet by @/enderteegs!!!! If you’d like to start with only one pov, in my opinion the best pick is kantje, or alternatively ViolettaFire, BobaBear, or Zolister. Other resources:

Masterlist document by @/enderteegs, all the links you could ever need.

Vod archive spreadsheet by @/meep_linger and co, an archive of all preserved vods.

Official twitter account, useful for updates, follows the current members.

The wiki, a wip, but helpful (I hope).

Lore summary document by @/STFanLoreDocon, a wip, but helpful.

Content warnings

I can’t guarantee this is comprehensive. I do warn that the heavy themes are occasionally handled somewhat clumsily in my opinion, mostly in the early days of the server: 

Abuse, addiction, cannibalism, child endangerment, grief, horror themes, manipulation, mental health issues, suicide, unreality, violence, vomit.

Members:

THIS PART IS OUT OF DATE ;-; It's missing some people, and some of these character descriptions aren't up to my standards anymore. I might go through and update this one day, but I recommend checking out some of the other resources I linked.

This isn’t everyone who’s ever been on the server (that’s 50+ people). A few of the people listed here are no longer active. Additionally, some don't stream their povs, prefering to appear in others' streams.

BobaBear: An interstellar traveler who experienced eons during her explorations. Despite everything that happens, they remain kindhearted, and always willing to give a helping hand. (twitch, vods)

ClaryeOryx: He’s a nice, fairly normal person who stays more at the sidelines. Still sometimes gets dragged into people’s conflicts. (twitter, not a streamer) 

ComplexlyRoss: A mischief maker who operates under cartoon character logic. They have a fondness for pranks, and a disdain for wearing armour. Joined August 2023. (streams on yt, video)

CrimsonBtw: Arrived to the server traumatised after having just experienced a world getting destroyed (the Lifesteal wormhole event, but don't worry if you haven't watched that). Joined August 2023. (twitch, vods, yt)

Crumpets: Cynical, deadpan bar owner. He isn’t too fond of this strange world he was sent to, but he is fond of the money that he can make here. Joined December 2023. (twitch)

Cupid Goozeless: Star has a lot of responsibility on star’s shoulders: he’s a leader, a medic and a father. He worries over others, and if he’s doing a good enough job protecting them. (twitch, yt)

Div_y: Uncovers a recipe for memory-erasing potions. He makes them for those who share his struggle with nightmares and trauma, but not everyone has as good of intentions as he does. Joined July 2023. (yt, 2nd yt, videos: 1, 2)

Effy: A magical creation of wood and wire, they’re one of the wittiest members without even needing to speak. While they may hide behind quips and confidence, they care a whole lot about their friends. (twitter, not a streamer) 

EvanIsLoco: Scientist studying interdimensional travel. He develops a possesion problem after an accident in an ancient city, leading to newfound aggression. (twitch)

Geoful: Shapeshifter made out of blue goop. His silliness only makes it hit harder when he drops angst on you. (twitch) 

IDKnows: Made of flowers, and would be more than happy to rip himself appart if it meant making everyone else happy. Sometimes naive, and others take advantage of that. Joined July 2023 (twitch, yt)

its_kantje: He’s god’s favourite plaything, and he will stop at nothing to get his beloved daughter back from Him. Starts out with a reputation for great business skills, and a knack for conflict resolution. (twitch, vods,  yt. I especially reccomend the ‘Split Apart’ streams)

ItsLilKae: The organiser of the server’s elections. But don’t let her fool you: she isn’t a spearhead of democracy, but a conspirator plotting to achieve absolute power. (twitch, yt)

ivorycello: Ruthless murderer of murderers. With her, the road to tyranny is paved with good intentions, and with pink flowers. (streams on yt, videos 1, 2, playlist)

Merffin: Loose cannon who’ll kill at the slightest provocation. A leader of the Silencers, a group who’ll murder anyone that has the silence trim. (yt, twitch) 

Mika FLapp0: After a long time of watching without being able to properly interact with the world, they gained a corporal form via a failed devil summoning. Joined December 2023. (twitter)

Mugm: Aloof and angry. The only thing that will get him to throw hands quicker than hurting his pride is hurting his family. (yt, twitch)

PheeaBea: Headstrong ex-prisoner who doesn’t like rules getting in the way of their curiosity. Has the the abilities and limitations of fae. Joined December 2023. (twitch, yt) 

Porgie: Lived through an apocalyptic alternate timeline. This led to a desperation to prevent disaster, and to somehow try and deal with the pain and scars of the past. (twitch, yt)

Quakitus: Has been through horrible things, and in turn has done horrible things, notably cannibalism. Healing is a rough journey for her. (twitch, vods, yt)

Rasplin: Loves a good fight, and loves having high status items. He's quite intimidating, but even he isn't completely heartless. (streams on yt, videos: 1, 2)

rinthehecker: Despite her loyalty, trusting others is hard for her, considering all the betrayal she faced, and her mysterious sleepwalking problem. As a dragon, they sometimes find themself homesick for the End. (twitch, yt) 

Rylanets: Has green hair, fairy wings, and flighting skills. Not much of a leader, but he’s always a steadfast teammate. (twitch)

Saturn_720: Still figuring out his place in this world. It’s a difficult task, but running a restaurant and caring for a niece makes it more fun. Joined December 2023. (twitch, yt) 

Silvaasaur: Mugm’s brother, known as the kinder, more emotional one of the two. He’s still just as deadly with a sword. (twitch, yt)

StarbornNebula: Grief sparked a burning desire for vengeance in her. She’ll be satisfied with nothing less than seeing the murderer of her friend die by her hands— but revenge is rarely as sweet as one would hope. (twitch, yt, video)

Strobelati: A cheery cloud person who’d never hurt anyone— at first. She feels emotions very strongly, whether it’s love, despair, or rage. (twitch, yt, video, vods)

TrashyPandius: The local assassin for hire, who happens to be a raccoon. He carries out his hits with an edgy but nonchalant attitude; murder is just business to him, no hard feelings. (twitch)

ViolettaFire: The server's therapist who could really use some therapy himself after everything he's been through. Xe's a pacifist, but don't mistake xyr kindness for weakness. (twitch, yt)

Winsweep: He’s sick of all the egotistical fools around him, and he doesn’t take issue with spilling blood for the sake of solving that. But is this truly him, or is it his mask that’s doing the talking? (twitch, yt)

Xpyz: A set of three semi-immortal beings: the first is gentle, anxious, and just wants her mom back, the second revels in others’ pain, and the third remains a mystery. (twitch, vods)

Zolister: Willing to play the role of a hero or a villain, depending on what he thinks will benefit the community. Solves issues with violence, and by sacrificing their own happiness. (streams on twitch and yt, vods, videos: 1, 2)

ZombieDwarf: There’s two of him: one is a robot who wants to see chaos in the world, and the other is said robot’s creator. Both cannot co-exist in the same place, so they have to decide which one of them will stay. (twitch, vods, yt, video)

[laurfilijames]

Fallout

Part 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Pairing: Jay Mills x female reader

Words: 7.6k

Warnings: Rated E, 18+ ONLY. Swearing. Anger issues. Nudity. Masturbation (male). Dry(?) humping. Dom/sub dynamics. Unprotected intercourse. Anal play. Anal sex. Spit as lube. Degradation. Watersports/golden shower.

Summary: Jay continues to battle his feelings as your stay drags out, doing everything in his power to prove to you and himself that there is nothing between you, only to have his methods intensify everything.

A/N: Right. This one is full of delicious filth and I'm taking advantage of the fact that this story doesn't get many eyes to write some fairly kinky stuff, but it also includes a lot of development between the two of them so I think it's a well-balanced chapter! I really had a great time writing this part and continue to be so excited and in love with this story, so please enjoy and let me know what you think!

There is also no moodboard for this chapter because all it consists of is smut so...yeah. But there's a treat below the cut 😉

---

Adrenaline pulsed through Jay's veins furiously, similar to how it did when he was about to step into the ring, and in the short distance it took to get to his room that felt like an eternity, a play-by-play of what you two had just done in the kitchen flashed through his mind; the vivid imagery causing his hands to shake and the sweat he had worked up to drip down his back. He knew calm wouldn't come easily to him after that, and after slamming the door behind him, he leaned against it and breathed out as slow an exhale as he could and ran his good hand over his hair, half of him tempted to go do it all again while the other half urged him to try to sleep.

He was exhausted - both mentally and physically - and with the morning quickly approaching and his mind and body buzzing, he knew it would be impossible to let any of it go enough for him to fall asleep. He was an early-riser anyway, used to waking up before the sun to go for his five mile run before he trained, and even in the absence of any legitimate daylight due to the storm, his body was so regimented that it couldn't be tricked into believing otherwise.

With a sigh, Jay sat on the edge of his bed and looked out the window, seeing the snow continue to accumulate heavily, letting him know he wouldn't be getting you out of here any time soon. He swung his legs onto the mattress and laid down, staring up at the ceiling before closing his eyes, only to open them again after a minute and sit back up, his restlessness increasing with each passing second.

Getting down on the floor, Jay supported himself on his toes and right hand with his injured one secured behind his lower back and began repetition after repetition of push-ups in a desperation to move his body enough to quiet his mind. He should've known better than to think it would work, only imagining your body wedged between his and the carpet as he continued to lower himself down and back up again, and he finally stopped when his right arm gave out and forced him to sit back on his knees with a frustrated growl.

"Fuck!"

He wiped the beads of sweat that hung on his nose and chin with his hand, able to smell your scent clinging to his skin as he did which only made him feel more unhinged and anxious to have more of you.

Bringing himself quickly to his feet, he shoved his right hand down his pants to roughly adjust himself in hopes his rejuvenated erection would go away, but even the brief contact of his own hand on it brought back the memory of your touch, and he knew it wouldn't go left ignored.

With another curse under his breath, he tore his track pants down to his knees and took hold of his hard cock as he stepped out of the legs that were pooled around his ankles, gripping himself hard enough to begin to satisfy some of his needs.

Remnants of you remained on his shaft and in his pubes, the sight of it making him throb even more and forcing him to work harder, his teeth clenching together furiously as he gave in to every thought of you. He hated how much he wanted you, how much you had gotten under his skin and broke him down enough to succumb to what he had tried to prevent and knew he would go after again, and the way you seemed to enjoy his vile treatment of you wasn't helping either.

Remembering the looks that crossed your face and the way your lips curled into a smile when he called you names and held your throat had him reeling all over again, and he wondered if you were thinking about him again, too.

Accepting that he was far past the point of stopping what he had started and without wasting time in fussing over the best way to get the job done, Jay brought his palm up to his mouth and spit into it twice, providing enough lubrication to do what he needed to.

He felt desperate, needing to relieve this want that seemed to keep growing, hoping that as he emptied his load he would also be getting rid of these unnecessary feelings toward you along with it. He massaged his wet palm over his head and down his shaft, coating himself thoroughly, praying that the next person's spit all over him would be yours. The thought of kissing your parted lips that spilled moans of pleasure provided by him was getting him close, and now the imagery of them sealed in an 'o' around his cock had him bucking into his hand wildly, his thumb rubbing over his leaking head just like yours had not long ago.

His hand moved faster as his thoughts continued to encourage him, the sound of his name falling off your tongue something he knew he wanted to hear again, the feel of your body accepting his so well something he wanted to push the limits on; the possibility of fucking you slowly and lovingly a prohibited act he had instated himself that he so badly wanted to break the rules of.

He opened his hand and spit into it again, needing a little more lubrication to keep up with his movements, and tucking his bottom lip between his teeth to stifle his groans, he jerked himself with a steady force, imagining your hot mouth wrapped around his dick, bobbing up and down on his length and looking up at him innocently as you gagged on him.

Having already seen you enjoy his taste from the sample he had given you made him want to make you swallow all of it, pumping his cum down your throat regardless if you could manage it all, the vision of you taking every last drop of him as he spurted into your mouth with drool leaking from your lips and tears running down your cheeks sending him over the edge, a slew of broken curses tearing past his gritted teeth as he finished in his hand.

You would be fooling yourself if you thought sleep was likely to grace you now after all that had happened, every fibre of you super-charged and making you feel as if you had just run a marathon, the effects of Jay and his wonderfully brutal treatment of you lingering on your skin like electricity.

Needing to busy yourself to distract from all the persistent thoughts running through your mind, you rummaged through the cupboards and fridge to scrounge up what could be made into a half-decent breakfast, settling on made-from-scratch blueberry pancakes and bacon.

It was difficult to tell if you were even hungry, the feeling in your stomach one that mimicked it, but you knew was likely caused by an enduring sort of anxiousness and a very different type of hunger, and your lack of sleep made you want to sate it even more. Assuming Jay would be hungry when he reappeared from sleeping or whatever else he was doing in his room, you kept on with your task, idly flipping each pancake in the frying pan like you were on autopilot.

Without even having to look, you knew Jay had entered the kitchen, your body responding to his presence with the hair on the back of your neck standing on end and an ache increasing between your legs, and you glimpsed over your shoulder at him, a smile tugging at your lips.

He walked up behind you, making a point to cage your body in as he reached around you for a piece of bacon, his eye contact holding you in place while holding evidence of so much going through his mind. He was still half-naked, his track pants hanging loosely on his hips as he walked over to the island, showcasing his body that was sculpted like a work of art. Having to tear your eyes away from his torso, you swallowed thickly and tried to set your focus back on making breakfast, smiling to yourself that you weren't one to judge given you were still only clad in his hoodie, shimmying your bare legs together to provide enough friction between them to remind you of the slight soreness caused by him earlier.

The day crept on into the afternoon without missing a beat in the slightly awkward tension that hung in the air between you, both of you remaining quiet until you couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"This storm isn't letting up, is it?" It was less a question, and more an ice-breaker, hoping to gain some conversation if only on account of the weather, but all you got in response was a raise of his eyebrows and a slow nod, and you bit the nail on your thumb out of frustration and unease. His standoffish approach toward you had you wondering if he actually held ill-will for you or if it was a game to work you up, like the more he kept you at an arms-length, the more you wanted to throw yourself at him, and he fucking knew it.

You raked your fingers along your scalp, feeling ready to tear the strands out of your head, and being more than exhausted with the situation and simply beyond tired, you stood and paced the room before heading into the kitchen.

It didn't feel like you - opening cupboards and shutting them with more force than you ever would normally - your impatience getting the better of you, your ironic and frantic search for the box of tea bags you had seen earlier that you needed to drink to help calm you sending you into a craze.

"What the fuck are you looking for?"

His voice barely registered through the ringing in your ears, and it wasn't until he was behind you repeating himself in a louder, more demanding tone that you turned to face him.

You went to move past him, wanting to open the cupboard door behind him in the last effort of your search, only to have your wrist grabbed to stop you before you even had the chance to reach for the handle.

"Stop," he ordered, calmly, the switch in demeanor between you fuelling your anger more.

You tried to tear your wrist from him, realizing it was his bad hand that was gripping you, making you stop your resistance before you caused anymore damage to him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he asked, his brows knitting together as he searched your face with more concern than you expected.

"You're my fucking problem," you hissed, shoving his bare chest with your hand after he released it, watching how the shape of it reddened his pale chest ever so slightly. The way he made you feel was infuriating, and when he dared to smirk at your reasoning behind your behaviour, it only fueled it.

You heard him chuckle slightly as you finally made your way around him, focused on your goal of locating the tea, your heart hammering in your chest when he muttered, "You're unbelievable."

"I am?" you spat, finding a bravery you didn't know you had. "You're the one who's unbelievable, acting like a broody asshole who refuses help because he's been burned by shitty people."

Jay closed the distance between you, his plump lips turning into a snarl, and you held your breath in your lungs as you waited for his reaction.

"You've got me all figured out, eh?" He shifted on his feet, hovering over you enough to make you cast your eyes downward, only to land on the prominent bulge in his sweatpants. "Little miss nurse coming in to fix me, to play therapist as well as the healer," he held your chin in his fingers using his injured hand, and the smell of the ointment you had applied earlier was like a slap in the face.

He leaned closer to you, his breath hot on your cheek, "Don't fucking forget why you're here, or the reason you're still here, because you would've been gone a long time ago."

Releasing your face, he rubbed his good hand over his hair back and forth roughly, trying to regain composure after he let his own anger build, and with a long inhale that made his chest rise fully, he stared at you with a look that made your knees go weak.

Holding his eye contact for a moment, you swallowed and blinked, turning away from the game-like challenge you silently agreed to play with him and returned to your mission of making tea, your hand shaking as you reached for the box and pulled it off the shelf, praying he wasn't watching you closely enough to notice.

Pouring boiling water into the teapot, your mind filed through all the different emotions Jay had made you feel in the short span of knowing him, and as you watched the clear water turn muddy as the teabags became saturated in it, you thought how he did the exact same to your mind. No one had ever had such an affect on you, making you want to act on such primal needs, your composure and usual well-thought out way of going about things destroyed with something as simple as a look. Having been given a taste of him made you crave more, and you felt crazed in chasing the high of seeing what else you could get, and in turn you wanted to give him everything.

The hours ticked on into the night, the storm having settled enough that only a few flakes were falling from the sky at a time, but so much had accumulated that you knew the roads wouldn't be cleared for days still. A silence that was loaded with lingering looks continued on as the normal atmosphere, growing your frustration as well as Jay's.

You had fixed dinner while he showered, and as you sat eating, you silently assessed the condition of his wound as he rested his hand on the table beside his plate.

"How's it feeling?" you asked quietly.

Following your gaze, he turned his hand over and sighed, "Okay, I guess."

Placing your fork down on your plate, you stood and took a step over to where he sat on his stool, sliding his plate out of the way in order to bring his left hand close to you.

You found it funny how he never watched whatever you did to his hand, his eyes only ever glued to your face or somewhere on your body, making you swell with a poised confidence, his silent attention and appreciation of your beauty somehow louder than words.

Daring to push the boundaries, you slowly moved your right leg so it straddled his, holding your breath as you watched him do the same before his broad chest finally let it go and his throat moved as he swallowed thickly.

"What are you doing?" he asked, his tone somewhat unimpressed to match his expression, his eyebrows raising on his forehead.

"Dressing your hand…" you spoke as innocently as possible, leaning over to grab the disinfectant solution and tube of ointment sitting on the opposite side of the island.

He shook his head but didn't pull his hand away from you, sighing as you began carefully cleaning his slowly healing injury.

"It's looking a bit better," you whispered, scarcely focusing on your task and not how close your bare sex was to touching his thigh.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

You looked up at him through your lashes, seeing a mix of smugness and unbearable lust on his face, and you wondered if whatever he was thinking was what you were too. It felt like he was almost daring you to act on the intense hunger he brought out in you, watching you with a cockiness you knew was partially a disguise in the name of self-preservation, and even if it resulted in something loveless and brutal like earlier, you wanted to find out.

As if it was the most natural thing to do, you sat yourself onto his thigh and continued to work, doing your best to ignore the hiss and heavy exhale that escaped his lips, feeling the muscles of his leg tense and flex against you.

Closing your eyes briefly, you adjusted yourself enough to make friction, moaning quietly at the contact before forcing your fingers to move again.

After a few seconds, Jay glided his free hand up your naked thigh, reaching underneath his hoodie to hold onto your hip and press you down on him even more.

You let your fingers linger on his hand even though you had finished applying the ointment, your eyelids falling closed as you allowed him to move your body in back in forth motions, controlling the pace and pressure, relishing in the sound of his breathing and how it felt to be grinding on him like this.

"That feels good, doesn't it?" he muttered, his voice so deep it made his words almost sound like a growl.

You nodded and breathed a 'yes', continuing to rock yourself on his thigh, knowing you were smearing your slick and staining his gray pants with it but not caring.

"That's because you're nothing but a whore," he said slowly, like he enjoyed saying every word.

Basking in his degradation, you arched forward, angling yourself so your clit received more stimulation, and boldly, you trailed your hand up his arm, dancing your fingertips over his Mohawk tattoo and then onto his chest, feeling his pec tremor to your touch.

"You're looking to get fucked again, aren't you?"

A shiver ran down your spine in the hopes he would take you roughly and with heartless care again, and you pulled your lip between your teeth to stop your smile from spreading as you humped his leg with more enthusiasm.

"I asked you a fucking question," he spat, ceasing your movements with his hand while his bad one reached up to grip your chin.

You let your smile creep across your face when you opened your eyes to look at him, seeing a liveliness in his blue ones as he stared at you vehemently. They dropped down to your lips, and like he was in a brief trance of feeling something softer and more caring toward you, his thumb grazed over your bottom one, smoothing across and pulling on it enough to part it.

"What was it you said about it only happening once, Jay?" you asked, the humour clear in your voice that you knew would snap him out of whatever he was experiencing.

His face contorted, making your stomach flip with nerves, the lines around his eyes deepening while the ones around his mouth set taught as he clenched his teeth together hard.

"Shut the fuck up!" he barked. You jumped slightly even though you had been expecting that reaction, and you bit your lip again to disguise another smile rather than recoiling, shifting on his leg slightly to show him you liked everything he was doing.

In an attempt to bottle his growing rage, Jay stood abruptly, pushing you off of him carelessly, and paced the space between the kitchen island where you stood watching him and the sofa.

He was hard as a rock, his erection furiously straining against his track pants, the sight of him in such a state making your mouth water and causing even more arousal to rush between your legs.

"You're allowed to just fuck me, Jay," you began, your voice shaking slightly from the overwhelming lust and excitement coursing through you. "I'm not going anywhere any time soon and-"

He cut you off by stepping toward you, bracing his arms on either side of you to pin you against the countertop as you leaned back against it. The automatic act of breathing stopped altogether for you as he hovered in front of your face, his eyes searching all over your features for a decision as to what his next move was going to be, and for a second you could have sworn he was going to kiss you.

You knew he wouldn't though, so instead you ployed in order to get some of what you wanted, even if it couldn't be his lips on yours.

“Do what you want with me, Jay,” you whispered, your voice so heavy with lust that the sound of it instantly increased your arousal. It was bold to even continue saying his name, testing your luck and seeing how many times he would let you get away with it after his initial warning, your defiance making you feel powerful.

“Get this fucking thing off,” he ordered, grabbing at the edge of his hoodie that covered your upper half. Eagerly, you assisted him, whisking it over your head until you stood exposed before him, waiting for him to do as he pleased.

The emotion brewing in his eyes told you he wanted to kiss every single inch of you, that he wanted to taste and learn each part of you until he made you sing from every kind of pleasure he could provide, but you watched as he buried that once again and replaced it with a beautiful sort of rage you continued to seek.

Pressing his hand to your lower back, he pushed you forward in the direction of the sofa, his forceful guidance making your breathing quicken.

Your palms met the back of the couch harder than you thought, the power he had over you so definite and indisputable that you let out an involuntary gasp as you gripped the edge of the supple leather.

You glanced behind you to see Jay peeling his pants down his legs, his hard cock springing free, his jaw set tight as he stared you down while his intense breathing wracked through his chest in sharp waves.

Hinging at your hips and spreading your legs invitingly, you felt your slick string across where your slit parted, and you hoped Jay could see it glistening in the glowing light of the room.

"Fuck…" he muttered to himself, clearly noticing how ready you were for him, his subtle praising making you swell with satisfaction.

Jay lined up behind you, his groin resting flush to your ass, and you watched as he took hold of his cock and guided it inside you, his face contorting with pleasure that he kept trying to hate.

You wanted to watch him fuck you, but the sensation of having him seated deeply inside you already had your eyelids fluttering shut, and when he dragged himself back out and pushed inside you fully again, you faced forward as his first couple of blows made you hit the back of the couch.

"Oh my god!" you cried, trying your best to stick your ass out more to meet his hips each time they plowed forward, the simple task proving difficult as your body simply wanted to be still and obediently accept everything he gave you.

It was all too much, every brutal thrust tipping you closer to the edge, the head of his cock slamming perfectly into that sweet spot that made broken whines and incoherent accolades strung together with curses fall from your mouth.

Jay tried so hard to focus on carelessly fucking you, hoping that if he managed to wreck you one more time, it would maybe satisfy you enough until you could leave, but the more he drove his cock in and out of you and watched your creamy slick spill out and coat it, the more he knew he wouldn't have had enough either.

It took everything in him not to smooth his hands over the gentle curves of your hips and up the dip of your back, choosing to grip tighter on your ass and spread your cheeks apart roughly instead, his eyes closing so he wouldn't be tempted to slow his pace and prolong this selfish indulgence.

He should've known better than for that to work, your sultry voice repeating his name as he built you up to near your climax forcing his eyes open again to torture him with the sight of your beautiful body rocking in front of him, and he clenched his teeth together tightly in order to not lean down and press his lips on your back and neck.

"Jay…" you mewled, "I'm so close."

Nearly losing it there over the way you looked over your shoulder at him, he proceeded to hammer into you, feeling you tighten around his girth, your eyes clouded with lust that made you look even more beautiful and innocent as you took him so well.

Determined to ruin you, he kept up his tempo, administering back blows so hard the couch began to move despite usually being secure on the plush carpet beneath it, and he became even more mesmerized by you.

Your eyes closed, gently squeezing so the corners of them wrinkled, your mouth parted and smearing across the leather in a swaying motion due to his thrusts, your body taking his harsh movements and converting them to ones that were flowing, calm and languid, and his heart clenched in his chest as the sound of you whimpering and pleading for him to give you more echoed in his ears.

"You better...fucking come…you fucking slut!" he growled, his false impatience covering up his pure enjoyment as he became desperate to feel you fall apart around him.

His cruel words encouraged you and made you flourish, and when he saw you let your arm fall between your legs to rub your clit, Jay spit onto your ass and spread it around your puckered hole with his thumb, lubricating it enough to press it inside right as you let go.

Your whole body tensed and shuddered, pausing your own movements as you let his carry you through such a blinding high, soaking him and squeezing him and nearly making him come undone at the same time.

As soon as your loud cries had quieted, he pulled out of you and pressed the tip of his cock into your ass, only achieving a couple of inches before he exploded, and removing himself from you again, he watched his hot, milky spend leak out of you while the rest shot out onto your cheeks and wet cunt.

Jay's breaths wracked his entire body, working hard to calm himself from the fury of emotions that battled in him, feeling a cold trail of sweat run down his back while he admired your dewy skin and how good it looked being covered in his cum again.

Your head hung between your arms that still held onto the back of the couch, your forehead leaning against it, until eventually you stood upright, turning to look at him while you took a deep breath and tried to get a read on him.

He wasn't giving anything up, though, having given away too much already, and he turned and stepped away, bracing his arms against the island with his jaw set tensely again.

Not entirely sure what to do or say now, you at least knew you needed to shower, and slowly, keeping your eyes on him until you no longer could, you tread on light feet to the bathroom.

You could feel his stare as soon as you had stopped looking at him, and pausing a moment in the doorway, you glanced behind you to meet his gaze before walking inside and flicking on the light, leaving the door open in what you prayed he knew was an invitation.

You turned on the taps and adjusted them before leaving the water to heat up, checking out the mess Jay had made of you in the mirror as you waited, the evidence left behind making the after effects of it all seem blissfully more intense.

Testing the water with your hand, you stepped in under the stream, holding your breath as you let it rain down on your face for as long as you could before exhaling slowly.

It was only a couple of minutes before Jay joined you, his large frame making the already cramped shower feel even smaller, and wanting him to be near you as much as he could be, you stayed close to the stream so he would need to stand up against you to get under it.

He said nothing, just stared at you as he dipped his head beneath the falling water to soak his hair, his eyes closing and letting you admire how much longer his eyelashes seemed when they were wet as they laid against his cheeks.

It seemed so normal, showering together, both of you lathering and rinsing shampoo out of your hair in turn, enjoying the comfortable silence and how relaxing it was.

You had finished washing the soap off of you but lingered as long as you could, not wanting to end this subtly intimate moment with Jay while accidentally brushing up against him whenever you moved, your slippery skin grazing and gliding along his implicitly.

Jay could feel it building up again inside of him, the strong desire to feel himself encased by you becoming terrifyingly undeniable, and the way you kept dangling yourself in front of him like bait was testing him like few things had before. As much as he tried, he couldn't stop himself from letting his hands skim your body with any opportunity that presented itself, the warmth and softness of this whole act contrasting heavily with the silent rage growing within him.

It made him angry to see himself slipping away so easily, like his heart didn't care to let itself fall into your hands without fear, his body acting on its own to get as much of you as it could whether or not his mind agreed. He knew he was being an asshole, but in feeling it was his last defense in protecting himself from getting hurt, he pressed on with it.

You were about to step out, your body scrubbed clean of him, but he grabbed your arm to stop you, pulling you in so you stood with your back against the wall.

"Come back here," he demanded gently, his tone disguising the more intense emotions brewing beneath the surface.

The amusement he felt at seeing the confused look on your face briefly took over everything else he was feeling, and before he let any affection he held toward you stop him, he braced his arms on either side of your face and moved his close enough he could have kissed you.

He watched as your eyes flickered from his eyes down to his lips and you held the breath you had sucked in, waiting, only he wasn't going to give you what you wanted no matter how heavenly you looked.

Jay smirked and chuckled darkly, his next move one he had decided on from the moment he saw you rinsing any remaining evidence of him down the drain, and a fresh wave of needing to keep and claim you stirred in him at the thought of it.

It felt cruel and animalistic, but the desire to have you as his was too overwhelming to deny, and still on the path of repressing all the tender ways he thought about you, he carried out his barbaric display of affection.

Closing his eyes briefly, he sighed as he began to release, pissing freely on you, opening them again to see his stream coat your legs and waist in a defiling and reckless act of devotion.

Watching it was almost half as satisfying as watching the expression on your face change, your naivety in thinking he was going to be caring twisting into shock as you registered that something warmer than the water started to trickle down your body and onto your feet.

He moaned and exhaled while your mouth hung open and you glanced down to confirm what was clear you couldn't believe was happening actually was, and although you seemed disgusted and angry, pushing on his chest to move him away from you, Jay could see a glimmer in your eyes that told him you were turned on by it.

Not budging from your poor attempt at making him, Jay watched as you accepted what had happened, remaining in place and not trying to get away from him again, your chest heaving as you let out a deep breath.

Feeling high off the adrenaline this sparked in him, he smirked at you and then spit at your feet before backing away enough to admire how your body responded by your nipples hardening and your breathing quickening, your pulse noticeably thrumming in the side of your neck.

“What are you doing, marking your territory?” you asked in a challenging tone, although your voice shook slightly.

"It's what you deserve…stupid bitch that you are."

You swallowed thickly, goosebumps erupting on your wet, pissed-on skin, his foul and shaming words making your pussy clench and ache for him again.

Somehow in your shock and stupor, you found your voice, "Do you really think that about me? Or are you just-"

"Don't fucking tell me what I think!" he roared, the noise echoing off the shower walls.

You shimmied your legs slightly, your body instinctively reacting to his harshness by pushing your arousal to the forefront, and you swallowed the lump in your throat while you blinked, the eye contact he was holding making you want to falter.

You cursed all the ways your body gave you away, letting him know that everything he was doing was making you fall deeper into something he refused to give you, his next words a spiteful way to keep you holding on by a thread.

"And don't pretend like you don't love being treated like a fucking whore."

Closing your eyes slowly, you basked in his false hate, melting to the way this degradation added to the control he was claiming over you.

It was hard to recognize yourself with how submissive you found you wanted to be, the desire to obey him until he revealed the loving side you knew was there making you willing to take anything from him, but mustering clarity to briefly ignore the drug-like effect he had on you, you took a deep breath and spoke with as much surety as possible.

"And what if I do? Would you do the opposite and show me some kind of care and affection? Kiss me, even?"

He scowled. "Don't play games."

"I’m not."

You looked at him as honestly as you could, hoping your sincerity would shine through and he would believe that as much as you were admittingly throwing yourself at him, you wouldn't toy with his heart or burn him like he had been before.

His cheeks flinched as he clenched his teeth together tightly, clearly trying to figure out how he felt, but he remained in place and even returned his hands to rest on the shower tiles on either side of you, leaning slightly closer.

You could feel your chest tighten and your heart skip a beat when he rested his forehead against yours, your eyes closing when you felt his fingertips trail down your arm slowly until he reached your hand, lacing them together.

"I'll be yours, Jay," you whispered, giving him the confirmation needed to relax and trust, his breath fanning over your lips as he sighed out.

His forehead rubbed against yours as he shook his head slightly while he breathed deeply again, a low grumble resounding through him as he started to grind his hips against yours, his hand squeezing yours tightly in the grip of his fingers.

You moaned whenever the head of his cock nudged your over-sensitive clit, your body jolting in response but welcoming it all the same, adjusting your legs so he rested in your folds where you slid along his length in a languid tempo.

His nose grazed over the tip of yours and over to your cheek, the contact feeling as meaningful as a kiss would, sharing the same breath as you slowly began to work each other up.

While still holding your hand, Jay took his injured one and slid it under your thigh, lifting your leg to hook it around his waist, giving him access to probe inside you just enough to tease you.

Your available hand smoothed up his back, feeling his muscles contract with each movement, your nails digging into the thick flesh on his shoulders each time he threatened to enter you fully.

Peeling his face away from yours, he held you in place with a sobering gaze, his eye contact weighted with so much emotion, and slowly drove inside you inch by inch.

Resting his nose on your cheek, he began to thrust, his pace purposeful and sensual, each drag out and back in carefully calculated to slowly pick you apart.

As good as it felt, you still cursed him for torturing you, his mouth continuously hovering close to yours but never landing on you, making you pray to a god you didn't believe in that he finally would. You held your breath any time his lips ghosted over your skin, his nose grazing on your cheek and neck like he was hovering over all the places he wanted to impress his kiss on, close enough you swear you could feel it.

Slow, rolling motions continued to carry you through to your nearing high, building you up gradually and seemingly lovingly, his intensity equalling that of the other times he had fucked you, only this time more fervid and compassionate.

Water ran off his full lips and onto yours as his mouth hung open in front of you, his breaths growing more laboured as he expelled his energy into the arduous pace, knowing that fighting the temptation to kiss you was adding to his efforts.

Your offer to be his repeated in his mind the whole time, seeming to ground him rather than make him run from it, and he fucked you like you already were, every caress on your body and drag inside your tight walls another claim over you.

The way your fingers ran along the nape of his neck and raked up through his hair had him basking in your silent praise, feeling you clench and squeeze him with every deep push in an act of worship and appreciation of him.

He built you up slowly, bringing you to the brink and letting you linger there, coaxing you closer to the edge but only giving you enough to make you seek your release by moving with him harder.

"Jay, please…" you whined, gripping onto him in a plea for mercy, your head falling back to be supported by the wall, allowing him a view of your face as pleasure took over your features.

He intensified his thrusts, plowing into you even slower, but with more force, feeling you tense as your orgasm began to tear through you, and he angled himself so the coarse hairs on his groin rubbed against your clit to help prolong it.

He would've come with you if he wasn't so enthralled in watching you, constantly amazed by how stunning you were when being torn apart by him, the way your entire body responded to him making him quickly become addicted to it.

Releasing your hand, he brought his up to your face, his thumb gently smoothing over your bottom lip as he began to lean in toward you while continuing the slow grinding of his hips on yours, the pull he felt to kiss you becoming too much to deny any longer.

As if the universe was torturing him, the water began to feel cold, the hot water having run out in the extended amount of time you had been in there, waking him up slightly from the haze he seemed to be under.

You fluttered around him, the aftershocks of your climax rippling out in waves, prompting him to increase his pace to a far more aggressive one, the escalation of your cries spurring him on.

"You…are…fucking…mine!" he hissed through gritted teeth, the sound of your wet bodies slapping together mixing in with his panting breaths and your desperate whimpering.

He rammed into you furiously, and you held onto him frantically as you let him use you to finish, his usual unpredictable actions leaving you unsure how he was planning to, every nerve in you feeling alive and electrified from his possessive words.

His mouth fell against your shoulder, his spit smearing on your skin as he pounded you relentlessly, and feeling him surge inside of you as he began to cum, another orgasm of your own ripped through you violently.

Before you even had the chance to come down from your high, Jay was pulling out of you, the sensation of him slipping from your tingling walls with his thick, hot cum spilling from you making you whine, the unsurprising act of him abandoning you stinging more than it previously had.

Without looking at you, he ran his hand over his face and exited the shower, letting the door slam shut behind him to make you jump, leaving you standing wet and cold as you watched him grab a towel and storm out of the bathroom.

Jay couldn't hate himself more if he tried.

Leaving pools of water in his path as he stalked down the hallway to his bedroom, he urged himself to turn around and go back, the guilt he felt at leaving you like that when he knew he cared so much about you making him realize how cowardly and pathetic he was.

He slammed the door so hard it shook the walls and cursed loudly, pacing while he tried to calm his breathing, the temptation he felt to punch the wall or tear apart the room increasing with each passing second.

He didn't realize he had been clenching his fists so tightly until the sharp pain in his left one seemed to register in his brain, looking down to see a deep red beginning to spill from the gash even through the darkness of his room. Exhaling a shaky breath, Jay sat on his bed and pressed the towel still wrapped around his waist onto the cut, trying to stop his racing thoughts and ache in his heart as much as the bleeding.

Jay knew if you left that he would be able to clear his head and move on, focusing on healing and resuming his training so he could fight again, but at the same time he prayed for the sky to open up again to prevent you from leaving.

He was stupid for treating you how he had, the point he was trying to make by acting this way completely useless, comparing what he felt for you to that bullshit with Liza like comparing night and day.

Before he could manage to fuck up anything else, Jay stood and crossed the space between his bed and the door in a fury, rushing into the hallway with only one thing on his mind.

You shut off the taps, blinking furiously to rid the tears mixing with drops of water that ran down your face, the most defeated and helpless feeling coursing through you.

It was clear that Jay would never accept that you had feelings for him or learn to trust you, his hurt too powerful that it blocked out anything good that he felt he didn't deserve.

Grabbing a towel from the stack of them on a rack beside the shower, you wrapped it around yourself in search of some sort of comfort and took a deep breath, needing to get control of your emotions and this situation.

It was temporary, you reminded yourself. The storm that was the reason for you being stuck here was settling, and the wound on Jay's hand that brought you here in the first place was healing, so you would be going home as soon as the roads reopened.

The thought of returning to work was welcoming, looking forward to the distraction it would provide as you let time fade everything you were feeling, and you knew after being closed because of the storm that the clinic would be busier than ever. Maybe you would even reach out to Deb tomorrow to see if she would be willing to come pick you up from here, not wanting to ask Jay for more than he's already given you and wanting to spare you both from the awkward and most likely silent ride back to where your car was left stranded.

You walked out of the bathroom and tread quietly down the hallway, pausing when you passed Jay's room. You had heard the door slam, so it didn't come as a surprise to see it still closed, but part of you had hoped it was open again, acting as a symbol of amendment or olive branch. Hesitating for only a moment while you debated knocking, you thought better of it and forced yourself away, going to the room you were staying in and shutting the door behind you. A sad smile crept on your lips as the significance of closing the door was like closing the door on whatever this was, and you prayed for strength to carry you through the rest of your time here.

Even with convincing yourself of the finality of it, you couldn't seem to drown the persistent swell of your heart whenever you thought of him, and as much as you told yourself that you were okay with this being nothing more than sex, you knew there was so much more to it.

"Fuck…" you muttered, not thinking twice before turning the doorknob and pulling open the door, your heart leaping into your throat the moment you looked out down the hallway.

---

Taglist:

@sotwk @dailydragon08 @sunnys-day @thedreadandthefugitivemind @glassgulls @littlenosoul @glitterypirateduck @momia2910 @maggotzombie @rmwarn90 @paintlavillered @stealfromthedevil @kmc1989 @ourlonelymountain @itspdameronthings @theesirenteller

I went ahead and tagged everyone I have written down for my Charlie/Will Miller taglist so my apologies if you're not interested in being tagged in this and I will happily add or remove anyone as they wish!

[abyssleaves]

Why I'll Be Remaining in the Lurking For Love Community

Ok.

Honestly, I really don't want to make this.

I'm way too old for fandom drama, and I don't need to be making myself a target. My gut is telling me that it's a bad idea to get involved, and I'm inviting trouble for myself by posting this.

But the most recent post against Tom is just ridiculous and I can't not speak my piece.

I'm not linking to it or reblogging it because I don't want to send hate anyone's way, and honestly because I'm going to block them as soon as this is posted. You can read mine and theirs for yourself and decide what you think.

As far as the “anti-Latino” posts that Tom liked, I can't speak to whether they do damage, or what Tom’s views actually are. I am not Latino, and I'm not Tom. It's not my place. But I will say I was aware of those posts long before I saw that “callout” post, and it's because multiple Latino artists I follow liked and retweeted them. At the time, I was given to understand that they were satirizing the fact that both were styles of stereotypes, but one was acceptable while the other was not, despite both being bad. I can't say, based on just those tweets, that I see any anti-Latino sentiment in Tom. I'm willing to admit that my knowledge on that front isn't bomb-proof.

The second point, well... I'm sorry to the friend that feels used. They're entitled to be hurt. And I will readily admit that I'm only able to respond to the info within that post. Maybe there IS more to it.

But I don't think that Tom ceasing contact over the hormones is surprising at all, from a mental health standpoint. Put yourself in his shoes: you're a trans person in US, which is its own struggle, and you've reached your mid/early 20s without being able to attain gender-affirming care. Now someone years younger than you just got the thing you want more than anything else. Sure, you might be happy for them. But that is also going to hurt, horribly. You really have three options:

1) stay friends and smother the bitterness/possible resentment. That will either end up ruining your mental health, or coming out and ruining the friendship anyway.

2) Ask your friend not to tell you/post about their transition. That makes it about you and also ruins something that should make them happy.

3) Distance yourself.

Maybe he should have spoken more directly with you about his feelings, granted. But, Tom has not been shy about the fact that he struggles with his mental health. None of us handle every situation well. As far as his occasional venting, I would think, if you WERE his friend, you might have some compassion, and either cease contact if the friendship is not fulfilling, or accept his sincere, well-written apology (Which are the ONLY words straight from Tom’s mouth on the entire fucking post).

Instead, you got the apology from him, and then shared a bunch of gossip between you and another friend, and outed your interpretations of his vent sessions to the world. That's not exactly classy, posting about how he sought people he felt safe with during a time when a big chunk of the community he built is telling him to do horrible things to himself.

I want to make it clear that I don't agree with all of Tom’s views as expressed on his initial explanation post. Again, many of them are issues that I don't feel are my place to get involved in, and therefore I stayed quiet at the time.

I'm aware that the justified and intense hurt felt by people in those communities can mean that even differing opinions feel like a slap in the face. You have every right to see Tom’s views as hurtful and choose to leave, and/or make a separate community for support. I don't blame people who are in those communities for doing so. This post is aimed at the obsessed minority that won't leave the tag/remaining fans/Tom alone.

All of the above being said, the reaction to Tom’s post is the most “touch grass” thing I have ever seen.

Tom liking one or two comics from a dark-humor comic artist so widespread on the internet that I didn't even know he had an actual page, or anything about him as a person (something Tom also stated) = Tom is a Nazi sympathizer.

Tom saying “I don't care for neopronouns, but I won't attack you for using them and will respect what everyone wants to be called” = Tom is a monstrous bigot.

The racism accusation has me especially 💀. All because he liked a post about help from an unexpected source and that we should be kinder to each other.

How on earth are you going to tell a POC that he doesn't know what racism is because he’s NOT THE RIGHT KIND OF POC? Do you hear yourself?

(FWIW, I also don't agree with kink at pride. Sorry. LGBTQ+ people are not "narsty little freaks"--yeah I SAW that post--they're people. They can be kinky, they can be vanilla, whatever. Kink has nothing to do with your orientation, and therefore it isn't part of Pride. Also, my guys, if you're having public sex/being nude at pride for kink reasons, then you're not part of the healthy kink community: safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL. Nobody around you consented to that. Similarly, while I feel that sex education for minors should be normalized in order to give them better tools to tell when they're being groomed, seeing strangers with no pants on is NOT education, that's involving minors in your fetish. And that's fucking gross. )

The LGBTQ+ community in the US is in a lot of trouble right now, and we have a very bad habit of eating our own. We divide and subdivide and allow ourselves to be carved up by a united conservative front.

We do not allow for differing levels of leftist beliefs, and we constantly accuse each other of being not POC/leftists/queer enough, or being the wrong kind, or using a term for ourselves that some other individuals don't like. A great deal of the bullying leveled against him is justified by others saying that he's choosing to support a party that will turn on him and cause him and others like him harm.

Well, to be honest, the only community I see doing that right now is this one.

The amount of disingenuous “OMG, just FYI everyone to everyone hurt by [situation], I’M not transphobic/a bigot, you're all welcome here 😌” posts from people, who did not read his post, did not link to or quote his post. Disgusting. You know very well that nothing in his explanation or in his actions throughout his time in the community pointed to any abuse ON HIS PART towards trans people, non-binary people, people of the Jewish faith, or POC. You're virtue signaling, you're putting lambs blood above your door to keep the baying mob away.

This is insane. When did differing opinions turn into this? You don't have to agree with Tom’s views on anything. You're welcome to not follow his accounts, not like his art, not buy his game. If you feel that his opinions are too severely different from yours, you should be allowed to leave the fandom without people telling you that you should do bad things to yourself because your opinions don't match theirs (sound familiar?).

But…please. Can we stop with this awful parasocial obsession with his personal page? You can't lie to yourself and call it anything other than literal stalking. It's creepy as hell, and it reflects more on you than on him, in the long run. People might agree with your outrage, but deep down, they're afraid of being the next target, and they stay quiet out of fear that you'll stalk them next and send a mob hurling abuse their way.

To Tom, I'm sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve anything even close to this level of vitriol and abuse. You started from scratch and created a character and story that I feel was something truly unique. You reached an incredible number of people's hearts with Lurking for Love and Jacob, and no matter what happens from here with both of them, you deserve to feel proud of that. I hope that you are ok. Being a public figure on the internet doesn't mean you don't have a right to private opinions or even just general privacy.

I'm not tagging any characters in this. I'm only tagging the game because I hope other fans get to see that they're not alone. I don't believe the tags should be polluted this way. If you have to discuss a creator, it should be in his tag and not in a fandom space.

I'm aware that there will be deliberate bad-faith readings of this, or nitpicking of things I didn't cover. Whoever wants to, go ahead and respond, but I've said what I came to say, and I have nothing more to add. My inbox is closed and I love the block button.

[fannyrosie]

I've followed you for quite a while and I've always loved your style plus I lived vicariously through your life in Japan lol. I'm sorry if you've already posted this I couldn't find the post but I was wondering why you left Japan. It's my dream to live there one day and I was curious what it was like.

I have answered that in my Instagram Stories, but here is the long story version (TL;DR: I came back mainly because of my poor health):

I left Japan after 6 1/2 years for several reasons, but one the main reason is because of my health. I've never been the healthiest person, even before moving there (I was even dubbed "the sick one" at my old job because I often had to suddenly leave work in the afternoons). I was constantly tired and had really bad abdominal pains. I saw several doctors in Montreal, and all I managed to get was a diagnosis for IBS and anxiety. However, I was functional most days, and managed to work and live relatively normally, as long as I rested a lot and stuck to my FODMAP diet.

During the few first years of my life in Japan, my physical health remained that way, with some random very bad health periods, but overall, I was fine. I even started to workout regularly to improve my posture and muscles. However, from 2020 onwards, my health declined significantly. On top of my worsening IBS, I started having really bad spine pains, radiating to my head, chest and arms, and making me so tired I had to take several days of rest every time I went out. I started to catch every little virus I got in contact with, and had to avoid taking public transport the most I could. I was working from home, and walked a lot, so that was manageable, but it made me more isolated.

I saw several doctors, but even though they did blood tests and x-rays, they couldn't find anything and just assumed it was stress. After reading about EDS, I thought I might have that (since I am also hypermobile), and had to wait 7 months to get an appointment at Todai's hospital. However, on the day of my appointment, I got told that Todai only deals with EDS related to heart issues, and my tests were all normal, including my x-rays. That was in June 2022, and was the final straw, as it proved that even the most advanced hospital in Japan couldn't help me. By that time, I had to wear a back brace to do the most basic things, like laundry or going to the supermarket, and was taking painkillers every day. I had to stop working because I couldn't work on my computer for more than 2 hours a day. Obviously, no work=no money.

Coming back to Québec, I had to wait 3 months to get back on the public health system, and as of today (6 months after being back), I managed to get x-rays and MRI showing I have: discopathy (degenerative spine disk disease), osteoarthritis (degenerative joint disease), several herniated disks in my cervical region and pinched nerves due disks collapsing. Basically, I have the spine of a 70 year old. I have been referred to a physiatrist, but we all know that Québec's public health system is very slow. so God knows when I'll see one. Nevertheless, they found something, which is better than all the doctors in Japan who told me it was just stress. Japan sadly has a big culture of having to "endure" pain (mental or physical), and it shows in their medical system.

Due to the degenerative nature of the illnesses they found up to now, my health is constantly getting worse. I used to have good and bad health days, but now, I have more bad health days than good health days. I still take painkillers every day and wear my back brace to do normal tasks, but most days, these are not enough. I am trying to make the most of my "good" health days by dressing up and doing nice things, but I never know how I will be the next day (or hour).

I had to take two breaks writing this; hopefully it makes sense haha

[covid-safer-hotties]

What We Know About Covid’s Impact on Your Brain - Published Sept 13, 2024

By Jason Gale

Scientists are worried that persisting cognitive issues may signal a coming surge of dementia and other mental conditions

Many of Covid’s earliest and most alarming effects involve the brain, including a lost sense of smell, sluggish thinking, headaches, delirium and strokes. More than four years after the pandemic began, researchers are recognizing the profound impacts Covid can have on brain health, as millions of survivors suffer from persistent issues such as brain fog, depression and cognitive slowing, all of which hinder their ability to work and otherwise function. Scientists now worry that these symptoms may be early indicators of a coming surge in dementia and other mental conditions, prolonging the pandemic’s societal, economic and health burden.

What Studies Show In 2021, UK researchers reported early results from a study comparing brain scans taken before and after the pandemic began. They discovered signs of damage and accelerated aging in the brain, particularly in the region responsible for smell, even in patients who had experienced mostly mild cases of Covid months earlier.

How Does Covid-19 Impact the Brain? Research has since shown that Covid-related cognitive deficits can persist for years, especially in older adults and those who suffered more severe cases. For instance, a study of seniors hospitalized during China’s first Covid wave showed that 2 1/2 years later, 40% developed cognitive impairment, compared with just 14% of their uninfected spouses. A 2024 UK study of people hospitalized for Covid treatment revealed a significant worsening of psychiatric and cognitive symptoms three years after discharge. Half experienced moderate to severe depression, a quarter suffered severe cognitive decline, and one in nine showed a loss of mental function equivalent to a 30-point drop on the IQ scale, where a score of 100 is average.

For patients already battling Alzheimer’s disease, Covid can exacerbate brain inflammation, damage immune cells, and accelerate the memory-robbing disease itself, studies indicate. Even previously healthy older adults face an increased risk of cognitive impairment and new-onset dementia after infection. Mild Covid cases in younger adults have also been linked to brain issues affecting memory and thinking. These symptoms may be permanent but typically fluctuate and tend to worsen after physical or mental exertion, often impairing the ability of individuals to work and socialize.

Younger Americans Report More Cognitive Disability A February study of nearly 113,000 people found greater deficits in memory and executive function among people who had been infected at some point compared with those who had never had the SARS-CoV-2 virus. Those struck later in the pandemic had smaller deficits compared with those infected with the original strain or the alpha variant, the first new version of the virus to come to researchers’ attention. The study also noted a slight cognitive benefit for people who received two or more vaccinations.

Even mild cases of Covid led to cognitive decline, equivalent to an average 3-point drop in IQ. For those with unresolved symptoms such as persistent shortness of breath or fatigue, the decline amounted to a 6-point decrease in IQ.

Some evidence suggests the infection may increase the risk of Parkinson’s disease. This link is supported by the rise in cases of parkinsonism — a collection of symptoms such as tremors, slow movement, stiffness and balance issues — following Covid.

How Covid Harms the Brain The effects of a SARS-CoV-2 infection on the brain are the focus of intense research and remain only partially understood. Studies suggest that during acute infection, the virus may damage nerves, particularly in the olfactory bulb — which houses the nerves that transmit smell impulses to the brain — leading to problems that can persist for years. In some cases, the virus may infect the brain through this pathway, altering the organ’s structure and resulting in impaired cognition and fatigue.

Persistent viral remnants or the initial infection itself may trigger neuroinflammation and disrupt the immune system, causing antibodies and T cells to mistakenly attack healthy brain cells, damage blood vessels, and harm the blood-brain barrier. Additional research points to blood clots that may drive immune activation, restricting the supply of oxygen and nutrients to the brain, and altered levels of key hormones cortisol and dopamine that may be linked to changes in gut health.

Possible Economic Impact While the long-term effects of Covid on conditions such as Parkinson’s disease and dementia remain uncertain, the stakes are high. These are both lifelong, incurable, progressive illnesses with a profound societal impact, affecting not only those diagnosed but also their families, caregivers, and the broader healthcare system.

Already, there are significant economic repercussions globally from the enduring prevalence of long Covid, a loosely defined umbrella term to describe new, returning or ongoing health problems of varying severity that occur after a case of SARS-CoV-2 infection. By the end of 2023, long Covid had affected an estimated 400 million people worldwide. Analysts have put the annual economic toll at between $864 billion to $1.04 trillion in developed nations alone – roughly 1% of the global economy. Much of the impact arises from the ongoing disability and illness experienced by sufferers, with persistent fatigue and concentration problems among the most common.

[hangeslefteye]

What does your fave Aot girl tells me about you

Don't come for my ass this is a realistic review.Also ALL aot girls are queens <3 Just try to pick 1 or 2 before going down.

Pieck:On the surface you must look like a sweetheart but an unhinged freak lies in you that you only reveal to your closest ones.There is a very high chance that you have/had a crush on your girl besties even if it's platonic XD.You overall like soft,calming feminine energy so you might be a little disgusted from men especially macho ones xD Time to time some real sassy remarks escapes from your sweet exterior but you somehow get away with it xD

Hange:I'm 100% sure you have great humor and you are at least a little knowledgeble about EVERYTHİNG since you loooove digging eccentric topics.You are the joy of anywhere you go,even if you are an introvert,people can feel your positive vibrations strongly.Also you have mom issues xDD If you have a crush on Hange you 100% have mother issues I'm so sorry :D Care for a therapist?

Ymir:You are gay.You WANT TO mind your own business and stay away from drama but somehow you always fail.And get into unwanted situations because you are a hot headed person even though you don't realise.You absolutely have an offensive flirting style and a cursed sense of humor VERY FEW would understand.On this matter you also give intimidating vibes yet I'm sure a lot of girl has a crush on you but you terrify men.

Annie:You are a smart person that actually prioritizes themselves over others.Also you are confident so you don't really look for validation or attention of others.Even though you don't really need love from somebody else this shit is sometimes cute?Like give it a shot sometime and maybe you'll like it???xD Also you are an honest person doesn't like playing sinister mind games on that matter you deserve love so much more than many people.

Hitch:Bi bi bi.On the surface you got a very feminine yet sassy attitude but this is your way of dealing with unnecessary foolish shit going on.You are a little too much into yourself and others might think you are a little narsistic but simply you are too tired of stupid people and learned to care for yourself.Girlboss you are doing the right thing.But open up to your bestie about that little crush of yours ok?

Sasha:Another girlboss!!You must be a really mentally strong person that can stay bright even in the saddest times and uplift everyone. With this goofy yet caring manner of yours people might look down on you but you SLAY when you supposed to like nobody else can.I'm sure you are also an unproblematic sweetheart in relationships and you can pull the right people into your life naturally.

Historia:Idk if you know how much of a mental challange it is to remain this kind yet competitive but you are nailing it.In real life you must be giving wonderful vibes as a reliable person that is both trustworthy and capable.But sadly you possibly have some people pleasing attitude and because of this and your natural kindness sorry to say you are wrongly underestimated.Try to use some Annie or Ymir essances before pulling narcists down on you -if you already didn't-

For boys edition