#And I've been letting the depression win I CANNOT ALLOW THIS....

[juice-boxy]

New goal: be kind and less of a hater

[cosmosrival]

i've been wondering about it for a while and i think... i'd like the tumblr fgo fandom to also know about this fact concerning kama, because it's the piece of trivia that i'd like to see referenced in the game THE MOST since it would allow so many interactions and could give kama more depth. Because they clearly need it lol ! Kiara got amazing dev, hopefully they'll also get their turn.

In Hinduism, Kamadeva represents the concept of [desire] on all possible scales. This is why in some particular stories (called Vedas), some believe that Kamadeva is one of the most powerful deities and Shiva's clear nemesis. Because Kamadeva is the physical embodiment of [wanting] something, letting Kama win would mean that your materialistic desires(kāma as a concept) ultimately triumph over ascetic practices(Shiva). This is one of the reasons why Kamadeva isn't worshipped like other much well known Hindu deities. A professor of religion called Catherine Benton, wrote a book about their iconography after studying Kamadeva through the ages and travelling to India, here's a few bits i found extremely interesting:

In reference to Kama losing his body and thus becoming [the universe], basically everything around us. When Shiva burned Kama, he ultimately made him infinitely more powerful.

I understand why Kama would end up depressed in FGO, because they were persecuted by the other gods, because of Mara's demonic influence, because of the weight of half a human heart and only feelings of negativity that came with it, nothing else. They clearly state in Ooku that this pain is the reason why they hate having a body. Being in constant pain is both physically and mentally exhausting, and people who just brand it as Kama being lazy because they don't want to work since Love Is Annoying are missing the point. Passing it off as lazyness is much easier for Kama to explain than a millenia's worth of grudges.

And following this, this is what i'd like to see clearly mentioned in FGO:

They are not just the God of Love. They represent [desire, passion, craving as a generality].

In Ooku, Mara gets called out for not knowing of "the love a parent has for its child" or the "love felt when you see a loved one grow" and i believe that it's fitting. Only when it comes to Mara though. Because Kamadeva is a benevolent God at their source. Even if the both of them eventually merged, they are still two distinct existences because one is a God and the other is a Demon. And the fact that they remember their personal histories in their interlude is proof that they are aware of who they are and what they represent. They state that they don't "feel it too well as things they personally experienced", because they are only one shard of their initial godly self. Which makes them even more tragic actually. Imagine remembering lifetimes of scenes You lived through, but they don't feel like Yours. Feeling like a stranger in their own memories because they cannot remember the [feelings] they felt when they traveled with Rati and Vasanta or what these 2 felt for them. Because in Chaldea, Kama Assassin is "Ananga", the One without a Body, cursed to be in constant pain.

I'd like for their alt to possibly reference the fact that they are [desire] in its general and conceptual form. That they can feel it when you partake in your favourite hobbies, when you create, when you cook, when you garden, when you get to do something that makes you passionate. FGO already talked about Kama being the universe, but it barely touched upon the real meaning behind that fact. They are [desire and passion] as a concept given physical form. It might feel a bit overpowered, but since their Divinity is only at rank B, i doubt they would be able to do much about this other than being aware of generic human passions. Like some sort of observer. And i also believe that it would be soothing for them, because it would allow them to remember positive feelings linked to desire without having to bother themself with matters of romantic love. They're not clueless about love, they simply don't remember the wonderfulness of it.

They'd be able to grow from being a Beast, an enemy of humanity, into some sort of guardian. In the [They're conceptually with you when you're enjoying yourself and it can be about anything, not just lust] sense. Their interlude already proved that they're great at taking care of others, despite them only having Sakura's negative parts as a vessel. They are able to be like this, because they are a benevolent God at their core.

Although their healing will take time, the fact that they're already the universe is a beginning.

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP Meme from Netflix's "A Series of Unfortunate Events: A Bad Beginning: Part Two"

I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant.

From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene, I cannot think of a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.

"Why?" you may ask.

Do you know what the question I'm asked the most is?

Will you please leave the premises?

Why do I do it?

Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"

For fame and fortune?

For the costumes!

Where are the costumes?

Stay in the car.

Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru.

I'm keeping an eye on things best I can

I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, concerned citizens and television executives might finally leave me alone.

I have an appointment for a haircut right now.

Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city.

You'll never get away with this.

I already did get away with it.

Put some elbow grease into it!

Who knows what would happen to us on the street?

At least here we have a roof over our head.

Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news?

When I was a little boy, I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor.

I have terrible friends.

It sounds like Latin.

Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste, but I've got work to do.

I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home as soon as he's finished typing up that report.

Shall I let them off the hook?

I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you.

They're store bought!

Aren't raspberries delicious?

I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish.

I want you to participate in my next play.

It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage.

It's a very important role

What did you call me?

I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally.

I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily

The point is, I can order you to participate, and you must obey.

I can't stand looking at you anymore.

Killing us will do him no good.

I have never been married myself.

Are you here to continue your research?

I have quite the interest in theater, you know.

I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume.

I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating.

There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people.

[NAME], what's happened to your face?

No, no, no, it should be delicate! Fetching!

I just think, even in changing context, that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction

Are you leaving?

Oh, there we go, sweet girl.

Does that mean what I think it means?

It means you're going to be a star.

You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role

Now, you can see it.

It's a very important part, although you won't be listed in the program.

All my life I wanted to be a bride

It's almost too good to be true.

Spend some time with your new father.

Seize the children!

I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony.

I told you never to say that word.

We'll order takeout.

Let me eat cake.

You can't just keep us in here.

What do you think will happen to you then?

I'm gonna stay up all night with a book.

The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room.

I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to.

Me? I'm just having my morning coffee

If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning,

you're going to end up a very lonely man.

I figured out your scheme.

You don't know the difference between figuratively and literally, do you?

I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy.

I'm so happy I could jump for joy, but I'm saving my energy for other matters.

This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding.

A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women

What's in it for me?

Can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans and is still spoken by very irritating people today?

Whatever will we do?

I guess that proves reading really is fundamental.

But I'm not old enough to get married.

It certainly is so strange to find a child missing, and one so small, so helpless.

When did you see her last?

Did you hear that? It came from outside.

Oh, you're not looking in the right place.

Oh, don't look so down.

Let her go. She's done nothing to you.

Please, she's just a baby.

Just don't harm her.

I would never, ever marry you.

Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot because it wants the reward of food and away from the stick because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain.

Would it be so terrible to be my bride, to live in my house for the rest of your life?

You're a terrible man.

I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted a foolproof way of getting your fortune.

What have you done?

I wish I had an inventor here.

You came.

You sent for me.

Things are disastrous. Everything's gone wrong.

What went wrong?

Why would anyone listen to a consultant?

Are you free Friday night to attend the theater?

But what shall we do until then?

Could you cut these ropes for me?

You should get some sleep.

It's my turn.

I didn't help us.

You just didn't finish the job.

Let me keep my promise.

Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light.

But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.

It's so wonderful that, in addition to your many talents, you have a marvelous eye for fashion.

Tell me if this is too much.

How pleasant that you could join us.

What are you gonna do with me?

It was a grappling hook.

I understand she's yours.

I'm not his bride.

You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child.

I'll touch whatever I want.

What happened? Why are we up here?

It's so high. You must have been terrified.

I'm sorry it didn't work.

The invention worked fine. I just got caught.

You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times, like, okay?

And don't touch the baby!

Do you think you could invent something to help us escape?

I am certain that over the course of your own life, you have noticed that certain rooms reflect the personalities of the occupants.

If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails with those old wine bottles.

What are Molotov cocktails?

They're small bombs. If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention.

It's time for the big event.

Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice.

Is it a stretch for you?

I think live theater is a much more powerful medium

than, say, streaming television.

Evil plot?

The wedding will be around 10 PM, followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food, then the after-party at the Mexican place.

All my anxieties are put to rest.

Don't distract me with idle chatter.

Get it absolutely right.

Change of plans. Sit here. Don't distract her.

Don't suppose you know how to play poker.

Would you like to deal?

I am very handsome, but I am only one man.

He's so handsome.

If I can't have him, my heart will literally break.

That can't be true!

But that piece of paper's not an official document.

I think you'll see that it is figuratively real.

I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding.

This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it!

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.

You were easily tricked!

It was child's play, winning this fortune.

You promised to let her go!

You idiot! What are you doing?

So, you escaped, you little dishrag.

Well, that doesn't count.

You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day.

You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something.

This is a very complicated case.

It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it.

It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing.

I'm even considering firing your associate

I was kidnapped

I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do.

You have to capture him! You have to go after him!

You let the authorities worry about that.

Sorry, but the children must come with me.

Some things in life are difficult to understand, even after years and years of thinking about them while wandering alone through desolate landscapes, usually during the off-season.

The world is quiet here.

As with so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so.

Things are worse than we thought.

Then we don't have a moment to lose.

What's a woman like you building in a place like this?

Leave no stone unturned.

[grannysgraceblog]

I think that I've been holding onto anger..... WAIT.... Back up.. I dont think, I kno that I've been holding on 2 anger w/ The Tarantula, her mother, & CPS cuz of losing the kids. Not bcuz of depression but based on lies. But I allowed depression 2 put me in a place where it gave them room 2 work. Even tho I kno I hav a right 2 b angry, bcuz peeps I trusted betrayed me. Peeps I had done things 4, been ther 4, friends & family members that I loved, turned their backs on me when I was the 1 in trouble. They believed things about me based on wat others said instead of standing w/ me & helping me up when I was falling down. People I loved & trusted. It hurt me beyond anything comprehensible. It didnt matter. I am responsible 4 everything that happened. I cannot control other's behavior. I am only in control of my own. Despite my sadness, I knew better. I knew I should get counseling when I lost my daughter & I did not. I threw myself in2 raising my grandkids. I had a right 2 b angry, but I allowed it 2 become an unrighteous anger. I let that anger burn in me 2 the point of becoming bitter. By allowing that anger 2 burn in my spirit I shut out the light from God. Once I shut God out I was on my own fighting principalities I was not capable of fighting alone.

Not only was I still reeling from losing Ashley, I allowed peeps seeking 2 destroy me 2 do just that. I gave them a foothold which became a stronghold. I allowed their bad intentions 2 bcome a self-fulfilling prophecy. In short; I helped them win. NO MORE‼ They will no longer have control over me. Tarantula has stolen enuff from me. I have given her enuff of me. I'm going 2 pray 4 them. Hurting peeps hurt peeps. I refuse 2 let the devil work thru them 2 take me out anymore. I refuse 2 let somebody else's bad choice determine my destiny.

Ephesians 6:12 'For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.'

It is time 2 put on my armor, the armor of God, & get about doing wat I was meant 2 do. They r not my business. God will deal w/ those that hurt me. Or He won't. NOT my concern. I kno he will restore 2 me wat the locusts hav eaten in His time, & I'm not going 2 keep getting in His way of doing so by hanging on2 resentments that stifle His spirit. God Bless them 1 & all‼ 🙏Thank u Jesus 4 wat u hav done 4 me. Help me only 2 seek Your will 2day. Help me b an example of wat You can do w/ a life🙏.

👏☝️👏 Forward March🤺..... Look out Satan, my feet r hitting the floor. 😇😇

[moniekillz]

Hello new. Goodbye old.

If you're wondering, which many of you are, what happened to me last year, I'll be glad to be openly honest with you. I'll tell you what i overcame, and I'll tell you what took over me. I allowed myself to become consume with doubt, hate,misery, and a substantial amount of lost self love. I did not love myself last year. I forgot who i was last year. Yes, i established some new business endeavors and yes i took a few steps forward. Nevertheless, i was knocked more steps back. I brought in 2018 depressed, longing for the first guy ever to have every ounce of me to take me back, little did i know, i wasn't his fully. See, i can read and write about a Man day in and day out. BUT, until the same things happen to me, in my own manner, i cannot speak on it how i am about to now, as you would see how another woman would when it happens to her. I was stepped out on, and the hardest question i had to ask my own soul was "how did i not know?" "How did i let this happen to me?" "Am i going to stay?".

I fought with myself for weeks about losing myself over a human being that would still remain every bit of himself once time passed over. I was sold a dream that... was obvious that couldn't be bought. Meaning, i was sold a dream car, but by a nightmare salesman. Last year, i cried almost ...just almost every day of my life. Many times you may have saw the laughter more than anything. But, if you know Symone, you know she will laugh to keep from crying.

I lost, literally, every single person i could count on. It's not a matter of being alone that's a problem for me. It's the matter of being lonely when you're told you're surrounded by "love". I've been put last by the Man i loved first. I've been left behind and lied to so bad, if the truth was standing in front of me, I'd be a blind woman.

I need my readers (i would never label you as my fans) to understand why i couldn't provide genuine content. Why i couldn't give you the reads you were so supportive of for years. I wasn't myself. I wasn't the writer "Killz". I had no passion or desire to pick up a pen and paper or grab a tablet or my laptop and just express what i was going through.

I gave you guys MAYBE a good 5 reads in the last year, and y'all know damn well i be writing my ass off.

Don't think of it as me bullshitting because i got hurt by a guy. It's so much more to that.

Love, Friendship, Trust, and Family have all developed new definitions in my terminology. I can't look at anything the same.

As i prepare for the 26th round of life, I'm thinking to myself "what am i gonna do different? How am i going make this my winning year?"

For the first time in twenty-five years of breathing life on this earth, i drove myself crazy over a man. A man who remained sane through every single selfish act he committed against me. And i broke myself down, made myself sick, and couldn't even tell who i was anymore even when i looked in the mirror. Every woman who entertained him, knew about me. They knew exactly who i was. And even though he told one story, my actions told a different one. But here i am, the Only one that remained broken, lost, and damaged. I didn't know if i was really mentally ready to write this one out because i know many questions will be asked. But this is the only answer I'm going to give. To anyone and everyone.

It's hard to move on when you're in the shared space that you're hurting in that you're given to heal. It's hard to rebuild yourself back up in front of the audience that played a role in witnessing you break that leg on stage. I'll never be the same girl ever again. I'll never be who i used to be. Why? Because you cannot go back to a life or identity once it has been tainted with and broken. Can you look through a broken a window the same way as one that is whole? Exactly. This write up is not about who did what to me. It's a catch up blog to explain why i have been gone. I'm here now. And I'll pick up again one what i was simply destined to do. I became lazy, unmotivated, and very distracted. And it's one of the almost dreadful feelings I've carried for months at a time.

But this had to be a very deep lesson of my life. Besides the same load of stress i had to carry on my bad from working, and struggling. I was a prisoner of my own thoughts that consumed me more than anything. Because Love was a priority for me since i didn't have a home to receive it from anymore. I didn't feel that i could provide myself with enough of it . Well 2019, I'm here to love myself like no one else could. ♥️

[treadmilltreats]

Deceptive  Perceptions

What is your perception of your future? Do you feel  like your never going to get there? That your future looks bleak? Don't let fear or complacency stop you.

You must have a perception of where you are going, a vision of what your future is to look like.

When you find yourself not knowing what God has for you, you need to envision his plan for you.

It is a fact that so many of you are on this job you hate, in this relationship that is sucking the life out of you, or saying that you dont have one and will never have one. Maybe it's about the money you dont have, the life you wanted but don't have.

This is why so many people get depressed, because they only see what is in front of them. The now moment and not what God has for them later.

It is a God teaching moment because you have yet to see beyond this moment, you dont know who you are yet, who's you are.

You have allowed the struggles to defind you, you've allowed the fear to rule your life.

You're have short changed yourself.

Do you know how many people should have already advanced in their relationships? In their career? In a business God wanted you to have but you did not.

But your fear kicked in and your still stuck 5, 10, 15 years because you don't know who you are. You can't see what God has for you.

See only your haters will remind you about your mistakes and how you can't do it but God is looking for your mess, so he can turn it into a story of your testimonies.

Maybe your dreams have died and now your just living to die....

God did not place you here and give purpose to you just so you can be here with a whole bunch of excuses to why you are just living to die, working to just live. That is not what God wants for us.

Some of you are afraid to move forward because you will do anything to avoid criticism but if your going to do anything big, you better get ready to be criticized.

Trust and believe, no one out there is getting criticized for doing nothing.

No matter what you do, you will get criticized. The biggest success stories have the biggest haters. Don't be afraid of criticism, you have to learn to accept that people will do that.There will always be haters and some people will hate you and will not even know you.

Keep it moving. Don't worry about them.

You have an ability to discern your God ordained purpose.

Remember we are all recovering from something, divorce, bankruptcy, hate, loss of job, your crappy relationships but God is using you. There is a purpose for your life and God is only doing good in you

We need to tell the story of what God has done for us. We need to know these hard times are for a purpose, so that we may be the light for others going through their own darkness.

To win in life you must be able to see beyond the natural. It is when you allow what is evident to be your reality, then you will lose.

You need to see past yourself, past what you see now, to look into the future. To believe that God will do it all for you.

You get one chance in life, you have one life, what are you going to do with your life? You may be missing your God moment because of fear, because you can't see beyond the nose on your face.

In a blink of an eye life will past you by....you gotta live your life large, now!

You need clarity, the abilty to hear clearly, to see clearly. You can't afford to live in the dark anymore. You cannot allow your perception to be off because you are running out of time.

This is your gateway to your bessings but  you need spiritual discernment.

Ask God what should I do?

Ask him should I take this job?

Ask him should I go into this relationship?

Ask him should I move into this business?

Do not trust your own judgment, trust me because I raise my hand to this and look how that turned out. (Read my old blogs on my relationships, ha!)

You need to be careful of the wolf in sheep's clothing. They are out there and I know because I've dated a few of them.

Sometimes you think nothing good is happening in your life, that you've tried but your at a dry place. You have been asking, is there any hope for change? What do you see for yourself? Ask yourself is there hope for you? Do not you say your too old, its too late, you've   screwed up, can you see beyond all of that?

It is all in your perception....

Ignorance will stop you, you think you've made some stupid mistakes and now you can't move past them.

Look at Moses, he was a murdered but God used him to move millions of people out of Egypt.

God used a prostitute, he used a liar, a cheater, he used people who society casted off but God used them and he will use you too, if you let him.

Use your pain for God's glory, for all of  these people used their pain for God's glory.

You are the believer, it's your perception and you can see what others can't.

How do you see your future? Is it bleak? Is it a dark place? The enemy will tell you it is hopeless, that your too old, that your dreams are to big.

But your reality is that you believe, that your God is a big God and he can do anything.

Even if your in the desert, you can see the oasis. You know what's beyond the horizon even if you can't see it right now. You know it's there because your a believer.

You have see yourself happy.

You have to see yourself successfully.

You have to see yourself in the perfect relationship.

You have too see what he has for you.

"If your eye is unsound your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the very light in you is darkened. How dense is that darkness!"

It's all in your perceptions...

Don't let deceptive perceptions hold you back from your blessings. Trust what God has for you. See what God has for you, it's all in your perception.

"Be the change you want to see"

  "And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Coming soon my latest book:

The blessing in disguise.... revealed**

***Now available***

My book The blessing in Disguise

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Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

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[myvelouri]

I'm having a slight break down. This is going to be way too personal

If anyone is allowed to hate their life (trust me there's a lot of people who are) then it's definitely me.

I'll tell you why. First of all, why should I care about this? I say that to myself, but I care a lot anyway.

I've never really been able to have sex like normal. As in, my body just fucking sucks and does weird shit. So, I've said it before. If I have sex or masturbate for more than 2 weeks, my skin suddenly becomes really oily and I get these hard bumps that eventually turn into fat ass PIMPLES and often times cysts. And yeah, they have scarred my face permanently. I get this on my fave, my back, bottom and arm pits. If I stay abstinent and don't jerk off or ANYTHING, I have the most perfect skin. (The permanent scars are still of course there and many have accumulated). And I just feel like this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't supposed to be real, doctors say it's impossible, yet it's happening to me and it's dead ass real. I've done many experiments and changed the variables like a science project, and it WAS one. I can prove this happens to me. But it's not about you believing me. I'm extremely... Heart broken that this is happening at all. My heart starts to shake. Because this seems unrealistic. Still, 15 years later. I still have to deal with this. To cope, I tell myself, well, other people just have acne ALL the time without being able to stop it, but me? I know what triggers it, and I don't have acne at all, but if I don't have sex as much as I want to, then I'm good to go. But my god it's such torture. It truly is. All of my ex's and past FWB actually ARE aware of this "condition" I have. They seem to be totally baffled by it too, and how real it is.

And it affects not just my own sense of freedom and enjoyment... But my god, when your girl is horny and she wants to fuck your brains out and you have to say "I'm sorry babe, I just can't... I can't right now, it'll be bad for me" it hurts the relationship wether she says "okay babe, I understand" or not. It just does.

And on top of all that, my dick size pisses me off. I'm 6'2", my dick should be huge. But it ain't. And here's another kicker, I can't fucking get hard. Imagine a 20 year with a fuck ass dick. Yeah, hi, that's me.

Although I stopped any kind of masturbation and porn for months at a time and it totally helped my erection.. it felt so fucking horrible. Wasting months and years of my life unable to just whack off or have fun having sex with someone I like and likes me.

It's cruel. It's so fucking cruel.

But to make myself feel fucking better, I tell myself, "hey, at least I wasn't born a pedophile, imagine how much worse that would be." And yeah. That doesn't even make me feel better anymore

My heart is racing now, as I type this.

My face in scars, my body just awful.

There's also the fact that I have a condition, a oral one, so, my mouth and jaws never fully properly formed growing up, and my face grew elongated and basically gave me a perma-derpy face. Picture Napoleon Dynamite, but brown, and fat. That's what the fuck happenened to me. It's a common condition. And you can see my school pictures every year from kindergartner to 5th grade and watch my face degrade and retard. It's fascinating to see. But I used to be a beautiful fuckin kid. This condition made me so ugly. I remember before I had it. In kindergarten and before, I have memories of girls all over me saying I was so cute. Girls asked me to marry them in kindergarten. But a few years later, those same girls didn't recognize me. It was traumatic for me. Big time. In fact, my heart is racing even faster right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my alcohol real quick.

Okay. So, on top of all that, I was a heavy kid. Well, luckily for me I'm a smarty pants and I was able to lose all my weight by 14 years old. Super skinny. But guess what? I have loose skin. It's rather mild but my god I cannot wear tight shirts at all. It's awful. I never take my shirt off in public. I've been working out and I can look decent in pictures in a few poses. But it's still horrendous in real life. You can see stretch marks too. I don't mind those.

But yeah. I've never felt free. I still have that insecurity and I usually try to hide my body if the wind is pushing my shirt into my body. I get anxiety and start sweating. It's just mental. I can't stop it, I can't okay?

And here's another thing. I was always really intelligent, very quick, and extremely funny. I used to be the class clown in my classes and even in my family (I have tons of relatives) and I used to be so popular on both of those social scenes. It was incredible. Girls would like me for my personality but wouldn't date or fuck me because they said I looked too ugly and goofy. Yeah, let me tell you, that took a long time to be okay with. I'm not okay with it still, but I won't cry anymore about it. So yeah, my brain, the only thing I cherished. I was amazing at video games, above average in everything I did, I used to help out my friends and family in video games and they'd be so impressed, they'd love me so much. I'd play online and people would go nuts at my skills, even when playing multiplayer games with family actually, I'd do some crazy fast reaction shots in shooters that was fucking incredible. I used to play professionally with a team I had too. I was looked up to in many ways. I was told that too. And so I loved my brain. I remember the quality of life, being capable of joking around, and it was so much fun, what a great gift of life. I'd joke around nonstop, riff with everyone, and I'd always be the one to win and end up making everyone crack up. Wow. That was FUN. It made life worth living and is why I absolutely adore comedy. But... I suddenly was hit with depression. I isolated myself. And slowly, my brain started to deteriorate. I have lost all of my big personality, humor (most of it is gone) my quickness, I'm terrible at games, my brain functions very slowly, I'm terrible at socializing (I used to dominate) and I can't study or pass classes like I used to (I used to with ease) and I can't remember things or memorize things at all anymore. Depression is slowly killing my brain, year by year. It's even worse now.

And now I'm finally old. I have nothing, can't do anything. My depression isn't mild. It was originally diagnosed as "severe depression" and it has killed me, who I am. The real me ain't here. I try not to say that as it makes my sister cry. But I died a long time ago. I'm just a shadow of my former self trying to make the best of whatever is left for me here. I have strong opinions on things, and I can't fucking even care anymore.

The worst part is just waking up. Every day. I hate thinking. But it's all my brain makes me do. And it's not even good at it anymore like I used to be. I wish it would stop. I'm scared to buy a gun. I was getting one for sport. To shoot targets. Not to kill anyone. I mean, it's good for self defense. But I just wanted it for sport. But I'm afraid. Because I think I really would shoot myself in the head eventually. I am so scared of that.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired.