#And I'm 80% sure they are the same person.
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thoughts while watching episode 2! ☆
summary: necessary amount of love for jinx, unnecessary amount of child hate lmao
oh my baby girl i love u it's ok don't be sad please
jinx focused episode let's gooo
me: omg was that a flash of powder?!
*rewinds*
me: ...who the fuck is that.
me: oh no. oh no. this kid is important enough to make it to the intro, jinx is going to take care of this child isn't she. that sure is... a choice
oh no the kid is here
ugh for me personally the only thing worse they could have done is make her pregnant or have a baby. i hate storylines like this im so sorry. it's different when the parent-child relationship is like the main focus or the premise of the show/movie (the mandalorian, the last of us, the walking dead game, silco taking care of powder who's the main character), but when a random ass child shows up years late to the party and needs someone to take care of them and the child character has no previous connection to the audience... i really dislike that in stories im so sorry. leave jinx alone
also, in what world is jinx ready to be a mother figure to anyone lmao she's very much stuck in a child-like state herself half the time. this is not what she needs, we both deserve better
i like the child's design though
honestly, i hope arcane makes me take all that i just said back, but we'll see
jinx i love you
her voice is so good, the voice acting is sooo good oh my god
does she kinda have a different vibe or is it just me?
honestly thought she would be doing a lot worse than she is. good for her!
don't get me wrong, i get that from the orphan's point of view jinx just saved her life and she's clearly super strong, what else is she supposed to do than follow
what i'm saying is that i personally do not want jinx to take care of a child right now. i want this to be about the sisters. the fact that i don't like this is on me, the writers can obviously do whatever they want with their story buuut.....
sevika<3
can't wait for her and jinx to team up
wait does sevika even know that jinx was the one who killed silco?
i don't know what's going on with viktor and whatever he's saying here is not helping
did she though?
everything viktor does now is so slow. the way he speaks, the way he moves...
im not a jayvik girlie but i imagine that those who are felt rly sad after this scene
ekko my boy! the biker mouse from mars can speak?
my brother: he really does look like one
i literally facepalmed and my brother groaned
ekko please ditch this creature you're better on your own
shut up. you're not cute, you're not funny.
i should probably clarify that heimer is my least favourite character in the show, i kinda have no patience for anything he does 😂
i literally said DO IT JAYCE out loud
this made me laugh
same, ekko, same.
can we talk about the way he's holding the cup lol
it's also kinda funny and kinda sad at the same time that this is probably his first time tasting tea
SHUT UUUUPPPP
i screamed
vi? nooo, what the hell 😫 i thought it was the bad guys after her but no it's VI? don't hurt jinx like this, don't hurt me like this
the animation is making me feel like i'm the one who can't breathe damn
hasn't my girl been through enough?? stooooppp
this looked really cool though
there's no way those were the only two times he saw her cry
also, she's insane, blinking and getting even closer. i am obsessed with her
YESSSHHHH
after getting her ass kicked by vi and jinx repeatedly in season 1, i have a feeling this is a battle she's finally going to win 😆
the whole-body movement she did here, so cute, i love her so much 😭
GET JINXED OMG!!!!!!!! 💙💙💙💙💙
holy shit you can always trust arcane with fight scenes
my brother: no one does fight scenes better than arcane.
me: i know right?! that was so good! best scene in season 2 so far!
brother: yep.
oh wow ok. girl, 1st of all, ew. 2nd of all, that thing was like 80% machine what was there left for you to eat? 3rd of all... this begs the question, what do these people eat, exactly? do they draw the line at cannibalism but everyone else is fair game? huh.
i doubt the people in piltover eat like this
no, let's not do that<3
what is he, jesus? this is a bit too much.
#arcane#arcane season 2#jinx#sevika#viktor#ekko#not my brother thinking ekko's name is AJAX 💀#silco#mine
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I can't believe there are people who are mad over me calling Jay "my wife" lmao
By the way for their information, not only all ninja except Lloyd are my wives, Nya Pixal and Skylor are my husbands 😊
#It's getting kinda sus bc two different accounts commented about this on my posts.#And I'm 80% sure they are the same person.#I would normally not post this with the main fandom tags.#But since there is a chance of the trying to start shit with other blogs#I will#Btw if they read this#This is the gay site dipshit#If you get this worked up about me calling Jay my 'wife'#You will not survive on this site lmao#People do worse things to their blorbos here#ninjago#ninjago dr#ninjago dragons rising#jay walker#ninjago jay#jay ninjago
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@orangerosebush's post here, with my comment and @fowlblue's tags today got me thinking.
Artemis Senior has been teaching his son matters of business from a young age. Not only was Artemis, at 11 years old, discussing stocks with his father, but Fowl Senior had been imparting his wisdom onto his son for years by that point, discussing the ever-increasing value of gold with him before tucking him into bed. Even outside of pure monetary value, Sr. had tried to go legitimate with his business dealings, leading Artemis to have a few legal ventures of his own.
We also see very early on in the books that Artemis has been regularly using Butler as a resource for his plots: bouncing ideas off him was apparently a fairly common tactic when he was scheming.
Both Artemis Senior and Butler are interested in (or at least, not opposed to) educating Artemis on the ways of their lifestyle(s). It would be Artemis Senior who would have taught his son the value of banks and safety deposit boxes and hidden safes but it was Butler who was actively working with Artemis to rob those safety deposit boxes.
In the same vein of breaking-and-entering, TLC also gives us the fun little moment where Butler hands Artemis his own lockpicks, to get into the workings of the bomb.
With one line we learn that Artemis knows how to pick locks, but does not have his own set of lockpicks. Butler, on the other hand, has both the tools and knowledge how to use them. Partnered with a brief mention in TTP of some the specific trades of those previously employed by Artemis Senior (including such things as crime lords, insider traders, and cat burglars), we can extrapolate that Artemis Senior would generally hire someone to pick a lock for him, rather than do so himself.
It's pretty logical to conclude then that Artemis learned big-picture management from his father, and day-to-day skillsets from his bodyguard.
Essentially, Artemis Senior taught Artemis how to run a criminal empire. Butler taught Artemis how to be a criminal.
#artemis fowl#artemis senior#domovoi butler#and this doesn't even get into the aliases butler has!#he clearly has a lot of his own but then Artemis ALSO gets some#'what's our cover' 'i thought Stephan Baskir and his uncle Constantin'#Artemis Sr put his own damn name on the boat he was using to get cola to russia#you know damn well *he* didn't encourage Arty to hide his identity#(i'm not getting into the needs of artemis to hide his identity due to being a child and wanting respect afforded an adult in these tags#that's a rant for a different time)#there's such a prevalent theme of a Fowl saying 'i want X' and their Butler saying 'i know a guy'#(like 80% of the time the Butler would be The Guy but there's that other 20% where having extra contacts would be helpful)#we see it when Artemis asks Butler to make certain arrangements for capturing Holly and then again getting the mirrored contacts#we see Butler arranging car rentals or drivers and apparently needing to do so quite frequently#yet in TTP Sr just says he'll casually take a limousine where he needs to go#it's probably such a huge part of the Fowl-Butler dynamic to have someone who can actually perform all the necessary minutiae of daily crim#or at least know how to or know someone who knows how to#aaaaand now i'm thinking of how the Butlers are essentially disposable#sure death is a thing but how many Butlers were imprisoned for the sake of saving their Fowl the same fate#if someone's gotta take the fall for a crime it might as well be the person who'd take a bullet for the other#once you've already agreed to be on the wrong side of the law and accepted that you may give up your life (physically) for someone#what's taking it a step further and agreeing to give up your life (metaphorically) by languishing in jail for 10-80 yrs
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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Hello, sorry to bother you. I saw your post about 80s Batman comics compared to today's and i wanted to ask you if you know if there's a good starting point to begin reading Batman and Detective Comics from that era. My mind inmediately goes to post crisis but I felt i needed to ask, thanks and sorry if im bothering.
you're not a bother, no worries!
i don't think there's one good answer to it. post-crisis is a good starting point if you want to get background on the contemporary lore as a whole, but my commentary regarding it was not limited to it. there's at least a couple of pre-crisis stories that are very much worth checking out, for example:
detective comics #457 which is the first appearance of leslie (i'm cheating here because it's a story from 1978 but leslie becomes relevant again only in the 80s),
detective comics 501 - 502 which is an intro of julia remarque,
batman special #1 (1984): a storyline about wrath which was specifically mentioned by me in the post you're talking about.
i am also tempted to be a bit cheeky and to say to just read through the silver age, because while not my favourite, there is plenty that conway has to offer. and i definitely do recommend moench's run who has written both dc and batman since 1983 to 1986, wherein the first incarnation of jason appears. and don't listen to anyone who says that he's just a copy of dick – it's a fantastic and ironic story wherein all similarities are purposeful. moench's writing might lack the political and social depth that for instance that of barr does, but i think this is the era that really gets into the meaning of legacy and family in batman, and if you want to get an idea of what bruce realistically could be like as a father also to post-crisis jason (given we don't actually get to see that much), this is perfect background to post-crisis. and speaking of pre-crisis, batman and the outsiders (1983) is also quite good!
when reading post-crisis, keep in mind the office politics of the time, but first of all do not forget to read the absolutely riveting barr's detective comics run starting with dc #569. detective comics #574 (this story actually starts with #573) is a reference to dc #457 and batman special #1, both mentioned above. it's also probably my favourite batman story ever. and while for whatever reason a lot of people don't like it, batman year 2 is phenomenal too. since we're already covering barr, batman: son of the demon is one of the best batman books as well.
don't forget about annuals during that read-through either (starting with #11 for post-crisis). there are also some other series (and mini-series) that you might want to read, like legends or the cult. (<- although neither of these two are my top picks. but they do exist) oh, and the batgirl special from 1988.
in case you don't know, dick does not belong to the batman office at the time, so he sparsely appears in these comics. but the titans titles of the era are pretty straightforward so i don't think you need guidance in this matter (also, jason for example actually does get borrowed by them too.)
catwoman (1989) is another must-read and a scene from it was mentioned in the post of mine as well.
i'm probably forgetting about something...? i'm not big on strict reading guides (i think the fun of it is to just dive into it by yourself), but these are a couple of my recs. i'd say you can just start with post-crisis batman (#401!)/dc (#569, already mentioned) and later 'read around' with these titles as further points of reference.
#me personally i don't give a fuck about year 1 for example. it is absolutely not what i had in mind when i wrote the post in question#i have to stress that not all of 80s batman comics hold to the same standard.#starlin's run for example is mostly just bad <3 it has some strong moments. like dick's appearance... aditf is obviously a can of worms.#but they are too important not to read them. sadly. and there's plenty to read into anyway#i did not mention the killing joke bc it's the worst.#anyway. feel free to ask further questions#i'm not sure how much you've read#so i tried being very general#outbox#recs#core texts
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im really sorry if this question ends up being repetitive: but, if not for bruce’s over reliance on dick to regulate his thoughts and emotions, why would dick grow up into feeling like he needs to repress his emotions so much and his eagerness to act as people’s support? i know youve spoken about wolfman and his altering of their relationship but if ntt is generally an accurate portrayal of an adult dick, to me this nevertheless sounds like the consequences a parent-child relationship where the responsibilities are titled too much towards the child
i suppose this could also segue into asking for recs that would help me better understand your interpretation of their relationship 👀
not repetitive at all! to me the irony of wolfman's depiction of dick lies in that it is simultaneously something you can logically ascertain from prior canon but not for the reasons actually presented by wolfman. if that makes sense. he does extra work that isn't actually necessary to help explain why dick would act the way that he does because there's plenty of reasons for it without rewriting his history with bruce to have always been suppressed and edgy and dark. to me it makes far more sense to capitalize on the inevitable disconnect between bruce and dick as an adult and a child. batman: full circle is a good example of that dichotomy (and although it was published in the early 90s it built on mike w. barr's prior understanding of the relationship between dick and bruce that he wrote into the early 80s). bruce's primary concern for the people he works with is never standards or finesse but safety. he worries constantly about others coming to harm under his watch and with a child in particular those worries were exacerbated. he ran a tight ship not because he believed dick had anything to prove but because the only way dick could keep being robin was if he went about it safely. that was obv easy for an adult to understand. but not so much for a child
to bruce these worries were practical and par for the course (as well as an expression of his love and protectiveness) but for dick their consequences formed the crux of his entire world. as a child he idolized everything about bruce. his heroism. his work ethic. his skill. his resolve. his preparedness. if dick couldn't live up to the standard he set for himself in idolizing bruce then what could he ever hope to amount to? that was the thought constantly going through his head. and it's why the bulk of his childhood and primary tenure as bruce's partner was so precariously protected by the fact that nothing bad ever really happened during it (and admittedly this framing is convenient because even chronologically speaking nothing very significant happened in their history with each other until dick left for university in 1969) (i know dixon opted to write that whole shtick with dent in his version of events but personally i never found it necessary to do so). there is enough there in the idea of dick working hard for the course of a decade to embody who he believed bruce to be that lends itself to it eventually being difficult for him to healthily express himself once the rift between them actually began to emerge
because what about bruce was there to actually see that was broken and dark before dick became an adult? i know a lot of dick fans hate batman #408 because they don't like that it enforced "retirement" upon dick (which i personally believe is a conclusion they come to because of the way batman #416 re-framed the same scene) but to me that's an inaccurate reading of the text. batman #408 was about bruce (admittedly far too belatedly) recognizing that he could not in good conscience continue to ask dick to go out and be a vigilante on what he considered to be his own "orders". he viewed dick's close call with death at the hands of the joker as something directly of his own making. although their tenure with each other had been wonderful if dick wanted to continue to be a vigilante it had to be on his own terms and of his own volition. obv that was logical to bruce and it was something dick managed to accept in the moment. but it's still hard to go from always having a purpose alongside someone you idolized to finally being entrusted entirely to forge your own
in general i like the idea of dick the adult becoming privy to all of the personal problems and conflicts that come with being a vigilante. he was conveniently shielded from a lot of those problems as a child because all he had to do was be bruce's partner and hope to live up to the title. bruce had no reason to trauma dump on him or talk about his worries and concerns at length with him because it was never supposed to be dick's job to field those worries and concerns in the first place. he was a child. the only thing bruce wanted to do was to help channel his emotions through an outlet and provide him with a home to grow up in. but when you become an adult often that dynamic shifts. you're still not responsible for fielding those worries and concerns but you can perhaps be trusted with them. that's why i like the framing in batman #408 of dick now being a man. it's a subtle way to frame the double-edged sword of adulthood. the world is in your hands now but so will be the horrors that come with it. coming to terms with the real world that bruce lives in should be hard for dick. coming to terms with who bruce is when he's not perfect should be hard. coming to terms with how quietly bruce kept his grief because he did not see fit to overwhelm a child with it should be hard. that dichotomy of dick both wanting to be bruce's brother and his son should form the crux of their conflict with each other because you can't hope to be someone's equal and someone's protected at the same time in that kind of relationship. for dick to transition into the position of equal he has to expose himself to the fact that bruce is not in fact an idol but someone irrevocably human. and that should interfere significantly with his head and his own standards for himself
#all of this to say. i don't think it's so much about pre-ntt canon directly predicating ntt-dick's characterization#like it's not these events happened in the 60s and 70s so that's why he acts this way in the 80s#it's more the opposite. because these things Didn't happen in the 60s and 70s. that's why being on his own in the 80s is hard#dick wants so badly to be bruce's equal and an adult and a leader and someone trusted by others#but those are all things easier said than done. and the worst tragedy of it is that the bruce dick knows from childhood#is not the bruce he knows in adulthood. they are from the same person. but they are still different#because there are things dick is allowed to see as an adult that bruce spared him from when he was a child#and on one hand that was the right thing to do. but on the other hand it's devastating. because dick obv doesn't know how to cope#how do you cope with the fact that your decade-long idol is not in fact what you made him up to be#(and the thing is it's not that bruce isn't what dick made him up to be) (it's that he's also other things)#(he's sad. he's guilty. he's exhausted. sometimes he doesn't know how to go on)#reconciling with those realities should be unbearable for dick. because being robin has given him so much purpose#and while being batman gives bruce purpose too there are also so many times where he absolutely bends under the weight of it#and that sight should be frightening to dick#that's why i really like knightfall. or the potential of it because i mean prodigal did not deal with the aftermath of it#in a way that i liked at all. it was quite underwhelming#and then you guys obv know my issues with the framing of dick's reaction to jason's death and his conversation with bruce there#but the idea of dick needing to cope with bruce being a human capable of breaking under his own imposed duties is impt#and so my reading of their relationship is less about things written explicitly in text and more about drawing logical inferences#idk. i feel like i am all over the place i'm not sure if this sufficiently answers your question i'm sorryjgfkldghf#outbox
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coming out to say I think the ending was evil as balls and horrible to sam why'd you force him to live intrinsically broken inside and hollow living for the longest soul-decaying while without the person he loves most waking up every day and going goddammit not again while becoming a shell of a human it's almost sadistic why'd you do this to him
#having an apple pie life could have been ideal at the beginning if dean never showed up at his door in Stanford#but he did and they went through so much sam's priorities and who he is completely shifted#at the risk of sounding corny at the beginning if it could be measured#sam was 80% him 20% family and stuff#by the end he was left with 80% dean and him 20% void#it's simply not the same#seeing him live an excruciatingly long life alone knowing he's not emotionally present the half of it and his greatest wish is to die#that's tragic#truly when we dead awaken#samdean#sam winchester#mine#dean is equally fucked up for forcing this on sam too#sorry the montage in the bunker is anything but typical grief one could perfectly recover from#that said I love the finale for what it was (the barn scene samdean being domestic sam living a tragedy and them reuniting)#not a single person who is balls against the wall hating it can come up with a better ending if not straight up dogshit scenarios#It's not perfect I'm sure no one could've delivered one full-fledgedly rewarding except kripke but it was great for what's it worth#It was focused on sam and dean especially sam wasn't sidelined like he been for a while and that's the win I'll live and die with#spn#supernatural#also 7 minutes of incest the blueprint
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The Person of Interest, previously known as "The Guy" before finding out they are also genderqueer and uses they/them exclusively, just sent me a voice message and the nerves are nerving, why am i nervous to open a voice message 🙃
#kee speaks#i dont remember if i talked about that conversation#i'd been anxious to bring up the gender thing cause i didn't know where they stood on that#considering we met while working at a christian summer camp and they attended two christian colleges near me#so we were both very in that situation when we met so i was anxious that maybe they still had that mind set#and the fear that they'd react badly upon me coming out#but i finally broached the topic by just asking 'a weird question but are you still xtian?' lol#they in fact are very much not and are norse pagan#and they mentioned some gender exploration as they left xtianity so we were able to get into that#it's honestly wild how similar our lives have been cause our marriages lasted about the same amount of time and we divorced at the same tim#left xtianity around the same time and discovered our gender queerness/sexual queerness around the same time#it's wild#but we've been chatting on and off and sending reels back and forth on instagram#but today i was cleaning out my car in order to sell it (got my new truck yesterday~) and I found a pin i made at camp#with my 'camp name' on it and i'm like 80% sure that this person was the one who gave me that camp name so i sent a pic of it to them#and they sent a voice message in reply and I'm anxious to open it now lol#I'm wondering if it's going to be them yelling that name the way they would when they'd see me across the dinner hall lmao
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saw a very lukewarm take on Felicia today and now I can't stop thinking about it. I don't even know her character the best best and I'm still low-key upset about it.
#i know we all laugh and have a good time about the 'your mask - put it back on!' scene#but she actually did have a period of rapid growth after that#and it was GOOD#and with a few exceptions she's continued to have good growth#both by herself and in her relationship with Peter#like I'm begging anyone who thinks she didn't love Peter for Peter to read their interactions through the late 80s and 90s... please....#anyways feeling a little salty maybe I'll write a fic about it lol#personal#ish#wait I'm not done#to be totally and completely fair the poster does seem to be from what I've seen of their blog very well versed in spidey comics lore#so I'm sure they're aware of Felicia's growth#but some of the responses got under my skin so I'm just like. biting biting biting#Felicia is not perfect she's flawed just like every good character in Spider-Man!!!#but long form storytelling like comics is ABOUT the growth#Peter had to grow too#MJ had to grow#and if Gwen had been around longer? I'm sure the same for her#so yeah i get a little snippy when i feel a character is reduced to a few panels especially when they're early on#idk where I'm going with this I'm just expressing emotions lol
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When someone calls Jonathan “Jon” in a post/fic I embody that Keke Palmer meme
#I hope I don't sound ridiculous I don't know who that man is#alternatively it's the this is not my beautiful house part of Once in a Lifetime#it takes me right out of the story or whatever point you were trying to make#it's the same when Jonathan calls Nancy Nance in fics bc I'm like 80% sure he's never called her that in canon#listen I just know (bc he's my fave blorbo) that the only person who has ever called him Jon/Jonnie was Lonnie and I cannot have that#jonathan byers#stranger things
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i'm going fucking crazy. why do i get a little 🤏🏼 just a little bit stressed and suddenly be like "i'm going 100 on the highway at 10:30 am. also i'm booking five tattoos for the next two weeks. also i am enraged suddenly." and then even after the feeling of stress ebbs away i still feel like shit and have all those negative impulsive behaviors that serve the purpose of venting steam (steam that is no longer there)!!!!! why why why
#she bork#tbd#me thinking getting a job i don't actively hate would eradicate stress forever and make my mental illness go away 🤡 see this is why i'm like#80-90% positive i have bpd. high function or 'quiet' bpd for sure bc i'm still functional and high-achieving but idk when these lil episodes#hit i literally am just overwhelmed w despair that i will never be able to live fucking normally bc whatever job i currently have will#always eventually make me miserably stressed and whatever i accomplish will always eventually amount to nothing and whoever i meet no one#will ever really know or love the real me and it's like. where does that come from. it could be cptsd too but the impulsive and reckless#coping mechanisms i have (overspending + tats + recklessly driving + physically venting rage) make me lean towards bpd#and you know what else? so do my tendencies to have black and white thinking ('oh i frustrated you once? you hate me then and i should die')#and to get turned on and off by people (even the same person) very easily and often. like it happens even w people i'm close to like#sometimes suddenly i'll be like 'you're so annoying. i cannot continue to see you as a presence in my life. don't talk to me. don't exist#around me.' and then it goes away as suddenly as it arrived. lmfao all of that is so toxic and i'm LITERALLY AWARE OF IT EVEN AS IT HAPPENS.#so yes the emotional volatility and impulsivity make me think bpd. but also cptsd and bpd are often comorbid so honestly it's probably both!
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I'm finally listening to Big Joanie's Back Home album even though it's been out for a few weeks now and OH MY GOD, THE '80S CALLED AND BIG JOANIE ANSWERED AND SAID "YOU WANT YOUR SYNTHS BACK? TRY AND TAKE 'EM FROM US"!?!?!?!?!?
BLESSED, WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED
#I'm literally so happy that they're modernizing music from my favorite decade of music (the '80s)#and yes I'm intentionally speaking as though no one else has made synth music or '80s style music since the '80s#well here's the truth at least: no one has in the exact same way Big Joanie is now! :D#because they're still a Black feminist punk/riot grrrl band. those influences are still very much present too#and personally I AM OBSESSED and I haven't even listened to half the album yet. I'll be buying it next Bandcamp Friday for sure#oh wow gosh CRYING over 'In My Arms' and THIS classic Big Joanie sound and guitar solos!!! :')#Big Joanie#crystal visions of lilies in the valley
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I'm a major supporter of the theory that people suffering from mental disorders aren't a minority in the slightest, it's just that people who can afford being diagnosed are.
Honestly, why would we think the majority of people are doing just fine in a world where over half the population can't even afford basic necessities such as food and clean water, let alone mental health diagnoses?
Not all countries have free healthcare and those that do are usually filled to the brim with mental health patients and people waiting for vacancies to open. Public health (in countries that have it) is entirely too understaffed and underfunded to deal with a mass influx of mentally ill people! But being unable to access healthcare doesn't mean you aren't ill, it just means you're neglected.
So, when someone says "there can't be so many people suffering from mental disorders out there", all I can hear is "I don't understand smack about how the world works and how inaccurate estimates can be and as such I'll parrot the very beliefs that lead to diagnostic biases and medical neglect of the poor like it's gospel"
Moreover, add the whole stigma mental illnesses and therapies still have amongst the general population and you'll have underdiagnoses even among those who actually can afford to get their mental health checked, which doesn't contribute to the stats in the slightest.
#diagnostic bias#misapplied statistics#you wouldn't believe just how many undiagnosed mentally unwell people you have around you#I'd take a wild guess and say a good 80% of people have some sort of mental illness or disorder to some degree#most of the time people just power it through and pretend everything is okay but... it's not#the system as a whole is extremely sickening! how can mental sanity thrive in it at all? (hint: it cannot)#so i wouldn't trust statistics all that much. we aren't a minority and i'm sure of it! in fact believing we are only feeds the stigmas.#just look at the sheer amount of people who smoke or drink or do other drugs and tell me if we as a species are okay? no we ain't!#a mentally healthy person wouldn't 'drink to drown their sorrows' because they wouldn't have sorrows that need to be drowned in first place#and the worst part is that there's probably not a single mental health specialist trying to do research on it#(and if there is they're definitely underfunded and unencouraged)#and remember: not actively seeking a doctor when you can doesn't mean you aren't ill it just means you're pretending to be invincible#'but neurodivergences aren't the same as mental illnesses' sure! but they still affect our lives and need special care#think about a neurodivergence like the mental health equivalent of a congenital illness: it's from birth but it still causes difficulties#so yeah going undiagnosed on neurodivergences isn't cool either
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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Found my old tellonym account (basically people send you anonymous questions for you to answer) and damn... I was trying so hard to be 'deep and poetic'
I mostly answered these questions around 2 am when I couldn't fall asleep and felt depressed and you can tell.
Some answers are pretty good though and I do stand behind them even though I'd probably word ot differently today
#most of the asks on there are absolutely random#because you can literally just send an ask directed at nobody and random people just get them that don't get that many asks#also damn I could get really mean if I wanted to#also found my best friends account and while I'm still like 80% sure that she sent that 'hatemail' to herself#because that was a phase in her life where she did truly hate herself and I guess this was a way for her to let it out#I obliterated that asshole#like I wrote 10 paragraph long walls of text saying how amazing my best friend is and how I probably wouldn't be alive without her#and in the same sentence I destroyed the person who sent the ask because I wasn't completely sure that it wasn't her and even if it was#she then knew that I stood behind her and wouldn't let anyone say that shit about her#even herself
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this post has a porn blog in the notes calling me a man-hating radfem trying to avoid the radfem label
when you start saying shit like "marginalized men don't have power over women" you immediately lose the plot. and i see that on here specifically in terms of trans and gay men. where people say "i'm sorry that cisgender heterosexual men are awful but they oppress us too, we have no power over you" & that's simply not true! their interaction with misogyny and manhood is different, sure; extending that logic to other groups makes it look immediately silly. does a neurodivergent man no longer benefit from misogyny due to his marginalization by neurotypicals? are older men who are subject to ageism now no longer a part of the patriarchy? it is not that all men are evil by root of being a man. gender is fully amoral. but all men are, regardless of the denial of power they receive in some ways, still are connected to the patriarchy and privilege. this privilege is obviously nuanced and conditional. flat out denying it on the interwebz and acting like women (many times trans women!) are crazy evil bitches for saying they're wary of All Men or frustratede with All Men makes you seem not like an ally but like someone desperate to shed the responsibility of unpacking their attitudes towards women
#also i'm like 80% sure all three accounts are the same person but like whatever lmao#. where am i what on earth did i talk about...where did i say i hate men or think they're inherently evil. I literally just said misogyny#is complex and interrelated w your identities and you don't have to be cis white straight alloromantic allosexual neurotypical young and#abled to benefit from that. which is common sense#broadcast#whateverrrrrrrr. GOD.
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