#And I can't control it

[springs-hurts]

"Mere mohalle mein, Chand ko aaya hai, Eid jo laya hai, Tu hi toh nahi" 😭❤❤

[sadlynotthevoid]

Sometimes I have a thought in response to something someone else said or wrote and I'm like "yep, that's it".

Ten minutes later I'll be doing something else and realize "oh. I didn't say it out loud." I'm so sorry. I forgot I have to give sound or physical form to my ideas for people to perceive it and I can't just transmite thoughts by will force.

Alternatively, sometimes I have a strong need of sharing about this AU or idea or even a normal question and my brain won't just form the right words for it. It'll come out like a "ahm the thing... with wheels uhh... It's blue" and I'll be refering to a fucking car. So I'll just stare at the empty space, trying to form legible thoughts.

[metaltea]

Heat-induced anxiety comin back full swing woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

What's more is I think the multivitamins I started taking a couple days ago have caffeine cause I saw green tea listed as an ingredient but I assumed it was either decaf or such a small amount it wouldn't matter since caffeine wasn't listed as a warning but nooooo

I took it like 5 hours ago and I'm fucking losing it

It's gonna be another 6 months of this bullshit at minimum. Half a year so I can live half a year in which my anxiety is manageable. I don't know if I'll survive it again... last time it nearly got the best of me, it really fucking did

And the fact that nobody in my life understands what a panic attack feels like, how you feel simultaneously like you're going crazy and having a heart attack, floaty and heavy, suffocating over and over.... it's not fucking fair. It's not fucking fair

suicidal thought stuff below

Every day I give my mom a hug because she doesn't know how much I want to die. I hug her as tight as I can because she seems to be the only one who would genuinely miss me if I was gone... and yet I spend my days thinking about how she's going to die someday and I'm going to have to live without her

Honestly, I think I'll just shoot myself when she dies. Or if trump wins... whichever comes first. She's getting older and so is dad. They're both going to die someday. One will probably die long before the other just like my bio dad did and leave the other to ache without them

I can't go through that again. These past few months I've waited and waited for my parents to give up on me, to just outright tell me I'm being a burden, I'm being overdramatic, but they haven't, they've stayed patient and been there for me when my sibling was content to leave me to rot

I hug her a bit longer every day. I know one day I won't be able to anymore... probably soon. She's in her late sixties, it's only a matter of time. The world is dying, wars are on the horizon, everything is just fucked

The one thing that keeps me going rn is one more hug. One more movie with them. One more meal with them.

But one day there will be no more. And that will be the time to leave, because otherwise I genuinely do not have anything worth living for. My quality of life is horrible if I can't even enjoy life half the year- which is shrinking every year due to climate change and the way the fall is turning into summer 2

She thinks everything is fine, she doesn't believe in climate change, she thinks the economy will sort itself out, she thinks I'll graduate and get a job and my anxiety will mind me... she doesn't know I think about blowing my brains out most of the time with the guns in their shed

It only makes me want to hug her harder and pretend I'm a kid again, that she can make all the horrors go away if she hugs me close enough

[some-pers0n]

How it feels getting obsessed with something new and then realizing you're going to spend anywhere from a week to the rest of your life thinking about it

[quinloki]

I think the wildest thing about the TikTok Ban is that TikTok decided to adhere to it beyond the letter of the law.

They bent their knee willingly and gave up space and a platform they did not have to. They consciously decided to fuck over their user base when there was no valid reason for them to do so.

I've seen people talking about how you absolutely do not want to obey ahead of authority, and to see TikTok do it is... weird. It's unsettling. It feels like a dangerous stunt.

Specifically, it feels performative. It's got the marks of a Great Drama™, and given Trump's first 4 years and his absolutely bonkers love for theatrics over anything else, this just feels hollow. Like TikTok is trying to turn it's - generally younger - user base into "fans" of the republicans.

They can't really scoop up youths any other way, honestly. But using a big impactful story and putting Trump as the "hero" who saves their beloved platform.

It's not even the 20th and I just don't like how this new administration is starting. I do not like a private company complying beyond the letter of the law in advance of that law either. Because the only thing the law laid down was that they couldn't update the app on Apple and Google.

There wouldn't have been any fines or legal ramifications.

[inkskinned]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.

[part-time-pixie]

outfit swap ✨

[mariwashereonce]

I hate being so overly emotional dependent of him

[disheveledtranquility]

Venom and Eddie fighting together instead of as One.

Bonus, Venom's little lap of appreciation:

[mandatory-ftmbreeder]

I'm not really a piss guy but there is something extremely hot about someone getting fucked so well they literally piss themselves

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I'm not going back to Gusu with you.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[lotus-pear]

the dialogue choices in this game should be more diabolical

[unrelatedsideblog]

bleping doodles idk

[loquemevengaalamente]

My end of semester is approaching so damn fast and I've been playing nonstop Totk, Xeno FR, Horizon DLC and Bayo Origins.

So literally my graduation project has been stuck since like... March? I dunno, it's a mess, the document I'm supposed to make doesn't have a great foundation, i have 0 of the drawings detailing the size of each piece and no production or costs rates. My model doesn't even work as it's supposed to entirely.

It's due to this Friday and yeah, I'm totally fine. OK. Great even.

How do you even make a selling proposal? Without knowing how much this thing could cost in large scale?

[vitreouspositive]

alright guys fun quiz time!! is megatron insinuating he knows that optimus' true feelings for him! or is he stating how he knows optimus would never choose him over the autobots...

[inkskinned]

okay is she being actually immature or is it just a woman over 30 expressing a human experience you find to be immature.

like yeah. at certain ages... let shit go. im not defending the real immature shit. im not defending the karen you're picturing. i worked in retail i hate those people too. (once somebody got mad at me because she didn't like how our winter window decor was a snowman smoking a pipe. i wish i was joking).

but men at 57 will write books about how 17 year old girls are soooo sexy. they will invent worlds where women have to be naked for "armor reasons." they will write songs that treat women as objects. people rush to defend them. meanwhile a woman at 35 will be like "heartbreak is hard, actually" or "i feel betrayed by a friend" or "i am struggling with something emotionally." immediately people will say stuff like this woman is 35 by the way. by the way this woman is SO OLD to be experiencing this. BY THE WAY.

im 31, almost 32. the other day a poet was blasted online because at her "big age", she had written a poem about feeling unloved. top comment was "this woman is 29 by the way." this woman is too old to still be useful, by the way. she has to behave better . maybe if she was a good wife and mother she could stop existing loudly, and the story could continue on without her. this woman has served her purpose, by the way. she's so cringe, by the way. at 29 - so old! - she still hasn't figured out that her existence should be one of shame.